Her husband threatens divorce over my calls…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please I need your help. My ex-girlfriend is married with children likewise me, but the fact is that I’m still in love with her. I still send her text messages and call her frequently. The big problem now is that her husband is threatening to divorce her unless she stops picking my calls. Please advise me on what to do, should I stop calling her or ignore her husband’s threat to divorce her? Sunny. Dear Sunny, What are you trying to do? Wreck her home? If she was very precious to you, why did you let her go when you had your chance to marry her? In her husband’s shoes, how would you feel if your wife’s ex keeps calling her? Is it that you are out for revenge or you don’t have respect for this woman’s home? Whatever your reasons are, it isn’t love, because if what you really feel for her is true love, you will do everything humanly possible to protect her home and marriage. Love is caring, sensitive and selfless. There is no denying the fact that what you feel for this lady isn’t any of these. If you care for her, you would be concerned for her happiness and security in her home. You would have long disappeared from the scene to give her and her family the chance to be happy together. Even if she desires to forget you, your calls and messages aren’t making it easier for her to forget. The fact that you both once dated and a part of her appears to miss what you both shared, your presence in her life will never make her let go. This is where a matured and very sensitive man would walk away completely from her. The more you stay around her, the more complex you are making things in her marriage. She needs all the time and concentration in the world to make her marriage work. You are certainly a distraction to everything a marriage stands for. You obviously are selfish and callous-the kind of person who is so wrapped up in his world to care what becomes of others. The fact that you are even contemplating ignoring her husband’s warning about divorcing her is indeed an indication that you care only about yourself. Even though the woman in question is acting foolish by taking your calls, you should at least be more matured in this matter. On the whole, it appears you lack knowledge of what marriage is all about. No marriage survives with a third party in it. You are the third party in their marriage, a huge factor threatening the peace and harmony of another mind. Unfortunately the time you would have deployed into making your marriage work; apparently, your marriage isn’t working: you are investing into reviving something that died the day you both went your different ways. This is a clear testimony that, you also lack respect for your own wife and marriage. A man who reverences his home and wife would never do anything to hurt another couple. Rather than waste precious time trying to date another man’s wife, who not sit back and look for the missing links in your own marriage? That your mind appears fixed on your ex, means a lot of things are currently missing in your marriage and life. This is the time for you to take a look at all the things you want and are not getting from your marriage and the woman in your life. Start by asking yourself what is so compelling about the other woman that makes her evergreen in your memory? Do you know what these are? If you don’t, why not seek answers now before you destroy two marriages? Even if you don’t cherish your marriage, why not do it for the sake of your ex, the one you claim to love? There is no marriage without its challenges. Yours can only vanish if you apply yourself to making it work against the many odds confronting your persons. There is no arguing the fact that our hearts sometimes chase after something we lost in the past, the truth however, is without giving the present the opportunity of making its own history, the quality of the future will be affected negatively. If you persist in your unreasonable approach to keep in touch with your ex, you will never be able to make anything out of your marriage; the result would either be a very sorry marriage or a complete divorce. Painfully, you won’t be the only one to suffer its consequences. Innocent lives will be affected by your own apathy – your wife and the children being the major victims. At the end of the day, you would have succeeded in making a huge mess of the lives of innocent people, some who will never recover from all these. The other woman has nothing to offer you. She has her husband and children to think of. They represent certainty while you are uncertainty. Don’t forget that the factors that cause your break up the first time are still there and would only be complicated by the many people that are now integral parts of your lives. But if you take time off to unearth the fundamental problems in your marriage with a view of addressing the issues, you will be leaving a worthy legacy for your children. Encourage your wife to talk about her fears, dreams and plans for the marriage and future. This way you will be able to deduce the problem areas in your marriage and plan how to eliminate them. In addition, create the opportunities for both of you to get to know each other again. Begin the process of wooing her all over again. Make it a second opportunity of getting right the things you got wrong in the first place. Chances are you may really not have given yourselves the chance to find out more about each other. This is the time to make amends. Find out everything about her that would make living with her fun and happy. Trashing the image of the other woman would open your mind more to receive all the information that make living with your wife better. A good marriage takes effort to build. Plenty of sacrifices go into it as well as wisdom. Even if you love the other woman passionately, this is the time to make the sacrifice required for everyone to be happy. By letting her be, you have made the vital sacrifice to protect her marriage and name. Going by the threats of her husband, his reasons for ending the marriage would be based on infidelity. I am sure you wouldn’t want her image to be so rubbished on account of your calls and text messages. By then it won’t matter to people that both of you didn’t sleep with each other. The conclusion of everyone would be that she actually did it with you. If for nothing, but because of what you once shared, end this thing and give her the gift of a happy home. It is the least sacrifice you can make for the one you claim to love. In addition, imagine the emotional pains of her husband; the torments of all the thoughts that would daily be going through his minds especially when she has to go out and doesn’t come back early. Sincerely, you are lucky because other men would have found ways of putting you out of action. Jealousy can make a man do unimaginable things; including mindless murder. So it isn’t just a case of allowing her enjoy her marriage but of you saving your own life at the end of the day. Only the living lusts after a woman. Acts of provocation are given light sentences in the courts of law. There is no greater provocation than what you are doing to this man and his family. He deserves the right to be happy with his wife. Good luck.

How can I stop this funny habit?

With Agatha Edo , Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I read your blog for the first time and was happy at your responses to issues brought to you. I also want you to help me sort out my own problems. I hope you will help me too as you did for others. I am 18 years old and, for five years now, I have freely indulged daily in the habit of stimulating myself to sexual satisfaction. I have become so worried because I want to get rid of it but I am not able to. The habit is beginning to affect my studies and I am ashamed because of it. I cannot discuss it with anybody especially my parents. I cannot even tell our family doctor about it. Please tell me what to do. I am bothered because it is very capable of ruining my life as I do it in excess. Ashutosh Dear Ashutosh, You are right. This is very capable of ruining your life completely if you don’t grow the determination to beat the habit. It is a matter of being honest with yourself and knowing what you want to become in life. There is no practice one cannot get rid of once one is determined. You must begin to place the negative side of your over-indulgence on self- stimulations on the front burner of your life. Ask yourself these vital questions each time the urge comes: Is this habit worth sacrificing your future dream for? How far will this carry you in life? What have you benefitted from it in all the five years you have engaged in it? Asking yourself these questions at the high point of your urges will scale down to an extent the potency of the urge long enough for you to reason out the essence of it all. You have stayed on this habit for too long so much so it has become an integral part of your social life. The danger of not doing anything about it is that of you preferring it to the real thing the very reason a lot of men become affirmed gays. Although this may sound outrageous and offensive to some people, but you might need to get yourself a girlfriend whose presence will bridge your passion for self-stimulation. She will help take your mind off this habit as well as introduce you to the natural way of sexual expression. While I can recommend prayers but experiences in the past have shown that when a habit becomes as addictive as you have become on your dependence on masturbation, spiritual remedy has to be combined with practical steps to make it work. Even if you pray from today till eternity, if you lack the kind of determination required to stop it, the prayers won’t work. Having a girl in your life would give you someone to talk to; someone who understands the way your mind works, know the things you have to endure in the process of keeping with your habit and the inherent struggle and loathsomeness that follow every failed attempt to stop. The reason for the presence of a woman in your life isn’t just to help ease your sexual tension but to lighten the burden of your mind. The more you talk to her, the more your mind drifts away from the urge to find release. Her presence will give you the opportunity of seeing how things can be between a man and a woman. If she is an understanding woman, she will help channel your attention and focus to your studies and the need for you to get out there and make the difference in your dreams to be great in life. It is also important you begin to define sex from another point of view. Enjoyable as the experience is, it is dangerous to make it the most important thing in your life. Its substance is amplified when given its due respect and placement. This is because it never goes away. It is one thing that stays on through life. If you begin now to apply all your time and energy on something that would stay with you throughout your journey in life, what energy would you use in future when most necessary? Importantly, life is about investing the right things because you get back what you invest. If you spend your very prime time thinking and masturbating, chances are that you may not get the actual value of what you are worth. At every point, remind yourself of the many regrets that come from people not being able to get to their heights. Good luck.

My pastor says my mother-in-law is a witch

With Agatha Edo , Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been married for eight years and have three daughters. Right from the very first day my husband took me home to his mother, she didn’t and has never liked me. I also didn’t feel any need to pretend about my feelings towards her. Because of this, she is determined that her son takes on another woman who is from their village. I know this because after my third daughter, my husband started to behave strangely. His mother didn’t bother to come to help me with the baby as she did with the first two children. Although my husband hasn’t said anything about bringing in the other woman but I went to see a pastor who said my inability to conceive since having my third daughter almost three years ago has to do with my mother-in-law whom he described as a witch. According to him, she is the reason I have been unable to conceive again. He said she didn’t want me to have a male child for her son hence has tied my womb up. He said I should never allow her sleep in my house again because each time she comes to stay, she always deposits some substances in the atmosphere in and around my home. I was so angry that the next time she came, I refused to allow her spend the night. Since my husband wasn’t home, it was easy for me. In the process of insisting that she doesn’t come into my home and resisting her attempts to sit down to wait for her son, my hand hit her. She knew it was an accident but she told my husband that I beat her up in addition to calling her a witch and being responsible for my inability to conceive after our third child. Because of this, my husband is asking I pack out of my home. I have tried pleading with everybody close to him to beg him but he remains adamant. Please help me. I don’t want to lose my home at all. I am willing to take back all I said if only to stop him from throwing me away and frustrating his mother’s dream of giving him another woman. I don’t have anyone to turn to. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, In the first place why would you prevent a mother from visiting her son and grandchildren? If she were a witch, would she allow you have children at all in that house? What kind of struggle did you get into with her that made your ‘accidental hitting’ appear like beating? How would you feel if your mother comes home with the story of your brother’s wife not allowing her into the house of her son? Even if you are responsible for the rent and up keep of the home, disallowing your mother-in-law into your home is the height of disrespect to your husband. No insult can be more grievous than struggling to prevent her from coming into your home. This woman had it within her powers to prevent your marriage to her son from the very first time he brought you home. If indeed she is a witch, she would have done anything possible to ensure the wedding never took place. That itself should have told you that fate and not her is responsible for your female children and that when the time comes for you to have a male child, you will. Our life is set in stages. Any attempt to hasten the conclusion of one stage, often than not, ends in a huge mess. No matter what your mother-in-law did to you, struggling with her not to come into her son’s house was very wrong. You don’t have any defense or excuse for what you did. The issue here is, can you struggle with your own mother the way you did with her? Can you tell your mother not to come into your house or tolerate a situation where your husband tells your mother not to come into his house? No matter what this pastor said to you concerning her, you should have applied wisdom in handling the matter. Besides, all the while you have been married to her son, how many times has she brought another woman into your house to introduce as your husband’s second wife? Mothers who are serious about their sons taking another wife usually take it upon themselves to source and marry another woman for their sons. Allowing you to stay in her son’s house eight years without attempting to physically force you out points you more to your marital problems than your mother-in-law or husband. The truth of the matter is that you have been brainwashed yourself into believing that she doesn’t like you at all. The fact that you also have daughters makes you so apprehensive that you are willing to think the worse of your mother-in-law. She may not have come to help with your last child based on your attitude towards her. Her attitude towards you all these years may have been instigated by your own open antagonism towards her. Chances are if you made the effort of being friends with her, her attitude towards you may have thawed all these years. Whatever name she is called, she remains the mother of your husband who is the father of your children. There is no divorcing her presence from the life of your husband or your children for that matter. If she is a witch, it means your husband’s mother and your children’s grandmother is a witch. In one way or the other, you are related to a witch. Would you dare brand your mother a witch? So which approach is better; praying for her to have a change of heart or fighting her because she is a witch? Lets assume the pastor is correct that she is a witch; how would fighting her change her or prevent you from having a male child? If anything, you have simply compounded your case and given her a good reason to vacate you and bring the other woman, if there is any, into the house. When visions or prophecies are relayed; they are meant by God to help influence our attitude towards certain things or people. Wisdom demands that when these issues concern our family members, we tread with caution at all times. If your husband is ever going to listen to you, only his mother can make him change his mind about you. I appreciate it might be a little difficult getting her to listen to you but a lot depends on how desperate you are about keeping your home. Get people from your family to go first and apologise to your mother-in-law on your behalf. The agenda should not be to beg her to intervene on your behalf but to plead with her to forgive you. This is absolutely important so that your children will have a say in their father’s house. When a woman marries, she doesn’t marry the husband alone; rather she is married to everybody in the man’s family. You must learn to treat your mother-in-law with respect; the kind you show your mother. At all times, a woman must appreciate the woman who gave birth to the man she calls husband and love of her life. You should remember that there can never be your husband without this woman you loathe so much. Follow it up by going to her yourself with gifts items to make peace with her. Cry and do anything including sending her grandchildren to plead with her but, ensure she forgives you. This is because you need the platform to make peace with your husband. This should be in addition to praying to God for mercy. Once you are able to get the mother to even listen to you, it will be a lot easier to settle the rift in your home. There is no way your husband won’t listen to his mother’s plea that he takes you back. Good luck

My girl’s ex humiliates her everywhere…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want to start by appreciating you. I am seeking help for my girlfriend. Before she met me, she was dating this man who got her pregnant. He refused to do the honourable thing of marrying her in addition to abandoning her and the child. The strangest thing is that he beats her whenever he sees her, and collects whatever amount of money he finds on her by force. The latest is taking away her phone. The most amazing thing is the attitude of her parents who say she deserves the kind of treatment she is getting from the man. Emeka. Dear Emeka, Unfortunately, she is making another costly mistake by not ending that relationship properly before going into a new one. The fact that the father of her child can come and go in her life as he pleases is itself a danger to her and whosoever is in her life. That man is no over her, the relationship is only pending. They must come together to discuss the future as it concerns both of them and the child. This situation will persist until they both have the maturity to sit down and discuss the future of their child. She has to fight for her freedom from this man who appears determined to make her life a living hell. This is something you cannot do unless she prompts it. The only time you can is when your interest in her becomes official and common knowledge to everybody. In the interim, encourage her to stand up to this man and procure her freedom if she wants to be completely free of the mistake she made in the past. This she can do by either involving the Police or telling him to his face that she has had enough of being bullied. The fact that she has a child for the man doesn’t give him the right to humiliate her at every opportunity unless of course there is something about that relationship she isn’t telling you. Obviously this man is a bad mistake in all ramifications. But unless there is something behind the story, he has no right to beat her up whenever he sees her without her doing something to protect herself. It isn’t a normal reaction. The normal thing would have been for her to confront the man and ensure he is made to suffer the consequences of his actions. That she is taking it with docile resignation means there is more to this story. This is the juncture she tells you all there is about her relationship with the former man with a view of getting re-organising her life as well as helping her mend the relationship with her parents. Her parents’ seemingly strange behaviour may not be unconnected with the kind of attitude or things she said to them when the relationship with the other man started. Chances are that her parents warned her against the man. As the new man in her life, this is where your help is needed to make things right for all of them. Go to her parents and find out why they aren’t doing anything to prevent the humiliation of their daughter by this man. Listen to their story to enable you know how you can help mend fences between her and her parents. This is important to both of you. Every parent wants the best for his or her child. They are naturally disappointed at her choice and conduct. Their attitude is to help her come to her senses and teach her how to prioritise things in life. Seeing you will go a long way in changing their attitude towards her. Furthermore, help her put the past behind her by going back to school, if she dropped out of school to have this child or begin something to support herself and child. This is important because life is a maze of uncertainties, what appears to good today may develop a favour you are no longer comfortable with in the later days. By helping her be on her feet again, you would have given her a new life, something worthwhile to hold on to for life. God may have brought you to her life to assist her in giving new definition to everything that concerns her life. For now be the friend she needs to restore her life to what it was intended to be from the beginning. Good luck.

She left four years ago, now back begging

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this lady I have been dating since 2004. Severally she has broken my heart and each time she comes back to beg for forgiveness I find a place in my heart to always forgive her. I was really in love with her. But what she did last broke the camel’s back. In 2007, without any explanation, she left me and went to Calabar where she spent four years. She came back this year and called me to take off where we stopped. I told her it was impossible since there was another lady in my life, a woman I love very much. Since then she has been calling me every day to demand I hear her out. I am really getting fed up and confused by this development. Please help me out. Confused Man. Dear Confused Man, From where I sit, I don’t see any problem at all, so why are you confused? Unless, you don’t know what you feel for your current girlfriend, aren’t sure you really are in love with her? You don’t have any business with your ex. You are confused because somewhere in your heart, a part of you still desires your ex; a situation if not properly handled could destroy your chance of moving your current relationship beyond its present level. You really have to take full charge of your emotions to avoid you losing the love and support of a woman who truly cares about you. Granted certain things in our past cannot be changed, but the present and the future give us the opportunity of re-navigating our lives to the channels that are best profiting for us. The real lessons in life aren’t the pains and disappointments we go through in life, but how well we manage them. More often than not we apply sentiments rather than good judgement in things we should be very practical about. Reality is, her time is past. She doesn’t owe you at all. It is very assuming on her part to ask you to take her back after four years of being away and no word from her. Whatever her reasons for going to Calabar in the first place, should ideally have been discussed by both of you and an understanding reached concerning your relationship before she left. The fact that she left without informing you is taking too many things for granted. Coming back four years after to demand you take her back is asking for too much. Even if you weren’t into another relationship, it still wouldn’t have made sense for you to take her back simply because she desired it. Relationship isn’t a tap you turn off and on at will. So many things other than sex go into the building of a relationship. One of such is mutual respect. A woman who doesn’t see anything wrong in multiple relationships is evidently lacking in respect for her man. Even if she feels she is the prettiest girl in town, the fact that she is in a relationship with you should make her sensitive to your feelings as a man. Frankly, she has gotten this far and bold because in a way you gave her the impression that you cannot do with her, that there is no offence or thing you cannot forgive. This is why she has the boldness to propose you allow her back into your life. The fact that you even consider it a challenge enough to ponder over it showcases you as a man lacking in principle. Deep down, something inside you still desire her, so stop lying to yourself and face the truth. A man, who is truly over a woman, will not even consider the presence of this kind of woman let alone worry over the absurdity of her desires. This is what she is capitalising on and the reason she is putting the pressure on you. This is the point you make the vital decision in your life as a man. While you reserve the right to take her back if she is the kind of woman you need in life, but be sure you are clear sighted about the implications of your decision, especially how it would affect your well being in your wrinkled and grey years. Don’t kid yourself about being able to change this kind of person. Her ways are too set for you or anyone to change unless the decision comes from her. Even though you don’t know what is actually happening to you, go to God for help. This other woman hasn’t done anything wrong. Her only offence now is falling in love with you while you still secretly carry a touch for your ex. Good luck.

I married the father, pregnant for the son

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is no name you will call me that I haven’t called myself. I feel so ashamed, but I cannot help myself. My husband of one year is 26 years older than I am, while his first son is two years my senior. His first wife is late. We met when he came to visit the father of my best friend. Through my friend he got my number and since he was loaded, I went against the counsel of my family and friends to marry him. I have always told anyone that cared to listen that, I would marry for money and not love because of what my mother went through in the hands of my father and his people. So when he came with so much money, I didn’t consider the age differences. His children too didn’t support me, but since he was in love with me; they didn’t have a choice but to accept me especially as he threatened to disinherit any child who went against his wishes. As at the time I married him last year, his first son was away in England. Now he is back and I find myself wanting him more than anything in the world. Severally, I have tried to make him sleep with me, but he won’t. I know I am acting shamelessly being married to his father, but I simply cannot stop loving him. This prompted me to seek the help of a spiritualist who gave me something I have been putting in their drinks. The spiritualist gave me two different substances he said would make the son love me on one hand and the father to hate me on the other hand. From the moment they each drank their substances, the son became all over me while my husband doesn’t even care about me or know anything happening around him anymore. Since my husband started taking the substance, his health has started to depreciate so much so he is now a shadow of his old self. He behaves like a baby. He appears to have lost all initiative of his own. About three weeks ago, he suffered minor stroke. His family members are now accusing me of being the cause of his problem. As if that isn’t enough, I am pregnant for his son. When I told him, he sat down and began to cry, denying ever sleeping with me. He said he isn’t a bastard that would attempt sleeping with his father’s wife. Something tells me he has recognition of what took place between us but he isn’t so sure of it. However, he avoids me these days and refuses to come near me. He obviously has regained himself. The friend who took me to the spiritualist says we should go back to renew the charm and that I should keep the baby. But what will happen if my husband dies? From what I am seeing, I would be without anything if he dies. And even if I keep this pregnancy, his son may never accept it from me. The only thing I can do is to pass it off as his, but should they insist on DNA test, will it not reveal who the real father of the child is? Do you suggest I keep the baby? How do I make the son accept the paternity of the baby should the test point him as being responsible? My friend said going back to the spiritualist would undo what he did to my husband, but that would mean having to explain to him how I came about the baby. I am so confused. Please, help me. I need your help urgently. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, Calling you names won’t resolve the issues on the ground. But the truth has to be told irrespective of what you think. You have definitely wrapped yourself in a very tight web, one that will definitely cause more problems for you if not properly managed. Even at that there is no wishing away the permanent injury your selfishness has brought on this once happy family. First thing you should do now is to desist from discussing your problems with your friends, especially the one who took you to the spiritualist. You have done so much harm already. Your going to that spiritualist is mainly the cause of the huge commotion in your life. This is of course in addition to your greed as a woman. If not greed, you should never have married him in the first place, because you knew you didn’t have any feelings for him. Having married him, you should have also have realised that temptations will come from other younger men and prepare for it. Your responsibility to your husband is to remain faithful to him at all times. At the point you said you do to this man, you had no right to be interested in another man, especially his son. Nobody forced you into marrying him. You did of your own accord, so you should have had the reserve to resist the attraction of another man. It was the same greed that pushed you to the spiritualist who did what you paid him to do – to gradually kill your husband all because you desired his son. What did you expect that the son would continue in an affair with you after the charm wears off? He can deny being the father of your child because he slept with you against his will, he wasn’t even aware of what he was doing because your charm blinded him to reason. The simple truth is, all the time he was sleeping with you, he wasn’t conscious of the act. So that part of his brain is completely blank. If you argue with him from today till tomorrow, he will never be convinced that he is the father of your unborn baby. Besides, how are you going to explain to the world that you were sleeping with both father and son at the same time? What moral ground do you have to insist that your stepson got you pregnant? Furthermore, the issue on the ground now goes beyond the issue of your pregnancy to the life of the man who is very ill as a result of the substance you gave him. It would be in your interest to pray he doesn’t die in the process because you remain the prime suspect especially if poison is found in his system. Do all you can to reverse whatever the spiritualist did to put him in that condition. Go back to the spiritualist to undo whatever he did to your husband. What is important now is his life, and not the mundane issue of the paternity of your child. The only offence that man committed was to propose and marry you. He sincerely doesn’t deserve to die on account of that. So, if you felt anything for him at the point you agreed to marry him, please do it to save his life. Even if you don’t need him, his children do. He married you because he wanted company in his old age following the death of his wife. You really don’t have to stay married to him if you don’t want him anymore, but allow him the grace to his health and life. How would you feel if he eventually dies as a result of the things you have been putting in his drinks? If despite the charms you have been lacing the drinks of the son, he still manages to regain his senses it is only a matter of time before your husband becomes aware of what you have done or who got you pregnant. At least from the age of the pregnancy, he would know if he is responsible or not. The knowledge that you are pregnant with another man’s child is enough; getting to know that his son got you pregnant will definitely kill him. So the responsible thing is for you to bow out of their lives, because you lack the qualities this man needs in his woman. Marrying for money is one thing. It becomes frightening when you become desperate enough to go to the length you had gone in order to achieve your aim of charming both son and father. Marriage needs commitment, loyalty, sacrifices and selflessness to make it work at every point. Once a woman cannot give it to her husband, there is no basis for the marriage. If you were talking from the point of regret at what you have done to this family; it would have been a different story but that you are more bothered about your baby and person means given the opportunity to do what you did all over again, you won’t hesitate. Self-discipline makes a whole lot of difference in life. You lack it. Since money is your motivation, you may get something out of him if you insist on divorce while he is still alive, but if you stay until he dies, you will never be able to get anything. As for your pregnancy, you knew what you were doing when you made the choice to sleep with your son-in-law therefore the choice to keep it or not is yours. Even if the DNA result remains inconclusive since father and son share the same gene, in your heart you know who the father is. This issue is a matter of conscience. If you have one, you will know the right thing to do. Good luck.

He says I’m not romantic enough for his liking…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com., el: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me. My husband keeps describing me as being very unromantic. I have done my best but he keeps complaining. I don’t know what else to do because he is the first man in my life. I don’t have any friend to turn to. This isn’t something I can discuss with my mother, and since I don’t have an elder sister, only an elder brother whose wife isn’t very friendly, I want you to help me. How can I become the kind of woman he wants? He is the kind of man I also cannot talk to. He is very distant from me and any attempt to ask him what it is I am doing wrong could turn into a misunderstanding. Although I am shy asking this question, is it true that when a woman puts to bed, her person expands? After the birth of our set of twins, my husband said I have expanded to the extent he doesn’t get any satisfaction from me anymore. I am pregnant again and so afraid if this birth will further deteriorate my person. I so much want my husband to be happy, but the more I try the more problems I rake up. Agatha, I am very unhappy. At 30, I am beginning to grey so much so my pubic pair is completely white. In our four years of marriage he has never complimented me on anything. I am beginning to suspect he doesn’t love me and that he just married me when he found out I was a virgin and naïve. He is 12 years older than I am and at the time we met, he was dating this woman he told me is his age mate and very worldly. Although I don’t have any evidence, but I think they are back together because of the kind of perfume he comes home bathed with and the kind of cars he brings home. Whenever I ask where he got the cars from, he barks at me. My parents will never take me back, hence my decision to stay in this marriage and find ways of making him happy. Do whatever you can for me; I beg you in the name of God. Ronny. Dear Ronny, First things first! Relax and begin to believe in your own worth as a woman. This is important to your health and your unborn child. The naked truth is; your children would suffer the most should anything happen to you. This is because your husband would eventually remarry to a woman who may not like your children at all. Forever, they would remain motherless so it is in your interest to be alive to care for them yourself. No matter what you think is happening to you now would be nothing compared to their everlasting pains and sorrow should you worry yourself to death. It is only when you are alive that you can worry about marital problems, so must strive to stay alive first. Every other thing is secondary. There is no marriage that hasn’t its challenges. The difference is the kind of attitude deployed into resolving marital conflicts. If you are determined that this time is a learning period in your marriage; a time to sow, you will definitely come out of this smelling roses. On the other hand, if you see this as a cul-de-sac, there is nothing anybody, including you, can do to make it work. The key to the success or death of your marriage lies in your heart. There is nothing a determined heart cannot achieve. Foremost, be rest assured that there is nothing wrong with your person. The woman’s body is divinely constructed by God to stretch at childbirth and contract thereafter. Unless you went through a badly done episiotomy or had a bad tear that was badly sown, there is no reason your body shouldn’t snap back into form. Even if this is the case, rather than make an issue of it, the right thing your husband should have told you is to go back to your gynecologist. That he didn’t but elected to make an issue out of it to hurt or spite you, pay no attention to what he is saying. It is a game some men play to justify affairs they are having outside their homes. He is using the psychological approach to make you either quit or mask his affairs. The intention is to make you take the blame for whatever he is doing outside; to make you feel guilty as a means of defending his actions. The decision to leave or not is yours to make but it would help you a great deal to put things in their proper perspective. What is your marriage worth? How much do you love your husband and home? What kind of sacrifices are you willing to make in the process of keeping your home? Finally do you have the emotional strength to weather this storm? If you are already going grey all over, it means you may not have the kind of emotional toughness required to fight this kind of battle to a logical end. Frankly, this is the point in your life you become so unbiased about the kind of step to take. You need to sit down to think with a crystal mind. Being real about yourself and marriage is the only way you can win this battle. If you elect to stay; then be prepared to ignore so many things; including the kinds of perfumes that follows him home, the kinds of cars he brings home, the number of times he bothers to come home, the kinds of names or things he says to you as well as his general attitude towards you. Doubtless, these things can be extremely difficult to ignore but for your sake and determination to stay put, you must. The grey hair all over would disappear once you make up your mind to be happy, let go of all the tension inside of you. Life is a choice so is everything that has to do with it. At every point, no matter the situation, we must learn to appreciate and thank God because life is a huge canvass. What we become in life is what we leave on it. The moment you stop making an issue of whatever he is doing to hurt you by ignoring him and pretending you are unaware of his motives; the battle would have been half won by you. A simple change of disposition makes a whole lot of differences in the battles we fight for in life. Besides, nobody can make you feel inferior or worthless if you don’t allow such retrogressive thoughts. Even if he doesn’t notice anything you are doing now, be resolute in making the little changes on your own. Remember you are no longer the naïve girl he married. You are now a woman and a mother. Since he likes the sophisticated, up grade your look. If there is a way you can spy the kinds of cloths the other woman likes, do, and copy them. Everything is fair in a war game. You are fighting for the heart of your husband and home. The other woman is an outsider. He married you because he saw something she doesn’t have. Even if that thing was your virginity, he still married you and not her. You may not like the kinds of cloths but since you husband appreciates them in another woman, wear them. Another thing is to stop exhibiting fear in his presence. He is after all your husband. Respect him, but don’t be timid in presenting your views to him. If you can go to God with freedom, nothing should stop you from going to your husband too. Some men like women who stimulate their intellect. Coming home to a woman who doesn’t know how to discuss with him, is obviously afraid to approach him let alone voice her opinion on an issue may not be his kind of thing. Such a man may really find you boring. But if you begin to engage him in intelligent discussion on the economy, social and political situation of the country, he is bound to be curious. There is no way sex can be fun between two people who don’t have a clue as to what makes the other person happy. Sex is supposed to be fun and intimate; a tool of communication and bond between a couple. This is the time to give freedom to all your fantasies. No matter how strict your upbringing was, you must at one time or the other fantasised about your marriage, husband and sex. Drag out those secret dreams and give them wings to fly. Invest on sexy nightgowns, perfumes and a good book that teaches the A-Z of quality sex. Work on your firmness by cutting off the flow of urine midway. Hold for about a minute intermittently until you are through. It helps to firm up the muscles inside the wall of vagina. This is something you can do at anytime. At first, it may be difficult but with patience and determination, you will eventually win the battle as long as you place all your trust in God. Importantly, go on your knees and ask God to bring him back to you. Also pray the things you don’t want in him and your marriage out. In addition ask for wisdom in your dealings with him. If you are persistent in your resolve, he will eventually come back home, no matter the attraction the other woman presents to him because he married you and not her. Good luck.

Dropping two of my three dates is taxing

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have three dates and love all of them but I have got to a point where I want to choose one of them. But it is impossible. Please help me. Jane. Dear Jane, Why is it impossible for you to settle for one of them? Is it that you cannot do without all three of them in your life or that you really don’t know what you want in a man and from life generally? When a woman has her own dream, where she is going and what she needs to succeed become clearer. The fact that you are in three relationships concurrently underscores your own lack of a clear-cut ambition in life. So, your problem isn’t just about not knowing the right man for you from the three men you are dating, but with your own placement of your future. Honestly, your choice would become clearer if you begin from now to think about your life more seriously than you currently are doing. First, you need to sit back and plan your life. What have you always wanted to be? As a matter of fact, do you have a dream at all? As a young girl just starting out in life, it behooves you to help yourself become successful later in life by laying the right kind of foundation for yourself. You need to do this to get going in life because a time would come when you would become less attractive and the number men interested in you would cease. It is only when you do this that you will be better informed on the kind of man you need to help you propel the engine of your life. In the meantime, you need to appraise yourself, your worth as a woman. If you don’t act quickly and all the three men find out that you have been triple dating, you stand to lose them all because they will regard you as a lady with very little moral values. Besides, have you sat to think of the consequences and the needless stress you put yourself through trying to divide your attention between all these men? Have you ever considered the possibility of getting pregnant and none of these men willing to take responsibility? Would you really blame any of them if they decline? A woman is worth the value she places on her body and person. No matter the attraction each one of these men presents you, you have to learn from this stage of your life to depend on one man. The danger of continuing in your kind of lifestyle lies in your inability to remain faithful to one man. No matter the reason or excuse you have for keeping three men; it goes against all normal norms. A woman who has respect for her body stays with one man. There is no way you will not be confused because the time you would have devoted in a day getting to properly study one man, you deploy into the study of the three men. The result is bouquet of emotional confusion because you haven’t given yourself the opportunity to even know who any of these men is. Every relationship needs attention, understanding, and honesty to survive all the attendant issues that come with two strangers coming together. None of these relationships has character due to your inability to invest the substance, definition, value and loyalty into any of them. The essence of a relationship is to prepare us for the stormy terrains of marriage. If your relationships are characterised by unfaithfulness and lack of trust, what kind of wife would you be to your husband? Would you have the kind of enduring abilities to assist him to weather the storm when they come in full blast? Would you ever grow the kind of patience needed in every marriage to succeed? Would you ever be able to stay in your marriage without having the temptations to look outside for some exciting moments? In addition to all these, you also risk ending up with the wrong man at the end of the day. One way to cure your confusion is to keep your distance from all these men. Take a break. You sincerely need it to make a very good decision for yourself. It just could be none of these men is even your Mr. Right. You may not have noticed the man because you are so caught up in your own games to be real with yourself. There is no way you can really be happy unless you aid yourself to be happy. Good luck.

I can’t understand my wife anymore

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com ,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com ,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I got married almost six years ago and I’m blessed with two wonderful kids. I have a problem understanding the kind of wife I married. She is so unbearable and picks up quarrel on every little thing. She lacks respect for herself as well as I, her husband. The most annoying thing is she appears oblivious to the fact that she is married. She uses her time in discussing irrelevancies with my cousin to the extent she does not notice when I come into the house. This is a woman I have tried very hard to make happy even though times are very rough for me due to economic recession in the stock market. She hardly can apologise for anything. I am not a drunk but her excesses make me hot when I am fed up by her attitude. I am tired of her and don’t feel anything for her anymore. The feeling is mutual as she also doesn’t feel anything for me too. What can I do? I wanted to leave the house for her but can’t because of the children who will suffer, as she is not doing anything. She is currently schooling and learning hairdressing. She does not tell me anything she does and I hate that with a passion; she also hates correction. I am crazy and don’t want to commit murder. Please counsel me. George D. Dear George D, Obviously there is a huge problem in your marriage; the kind that requires a lot of thoughts, wisdom, honesty as well as sacrifices to change. You also require a reason for this marriage to succeed. Thank goodness, you have a valid one; the children who will really suffer if you make good your threat to abandon home for her. This, itself is a positive sign that your marriage can survive the storm if properly guided and managed. One thing you must first understand about every marriage is the imperfection of it. No marriage is perfect because it involves humans; two people with different ideologies, cultures, attitudes, upbringing, values and outlook. To expect anything less than imperfection is to delude oneself about the entire concept of the institution. Often than not our partners are mirror images of our deficiencies. The more you dwell on the flaws of your wife, the more you destroy the chances of the survival of your once happy home. This is because she too will refuse to take her eyes off your own faults too. The essence of marriage is companionship. And in the process of it, lots of compromises must be negotiated to achieve its main function of offering friendship in our adult lives. No matter how much you each love your parents or kids, a time would come when you would need each other; the grey and brittle days when the dimness of the eyes reflect all the pains, sacrifices of all the years and when the laughter web tell the happy moments in life. That is the age when the consequences of certain decisions taken in haste come back with all viciousness of a nasty ghost to haunt. By then, the children would be in their homes managing their affairs. Then it won’t matter so much who was at fault to the children in the beginning; their attitude would be, “you should have stayed for us.” It is this time you in particular should think of. How would your children view your decisions now in later years? Would they forever condemn you, making it impossible for you to enjoy their comfort later in life or bring them closer to you? Frankly, if you hope to solve this problem substantially, you and your wife must be ready to tell each other some basic truths at every point in your marriage. First, you must realise that no woman respects a man who is violent. Your wife is a grown up woman, an adult; hence to hit her, someone you vowed before the world to protect in the presence of her children is devaluing your integrity and position as the head of the house. You must know that feelings are not like taps that can be turned on and off at will. For every hand you raise against her, you kill something deep and valuable right inside of her. So if she is rude and very disrespectful, you asked for it by your own conduct of hitting her. As a father, how would you feel seeing another man batter your own daughter? Any man who is unable to control his temper has no right to label his wife as being insolent. One of the first things you must do is to divest yourself of that foul temper. Even if you leave this woman to marry another woman, you will still have problems if your way of establishing your authority as a man is through physical use of force. Every man knows that women generally exhibit very little restrains when it comes to the application of their tongues. It is the nature of a woman to talk before thinking. Sensible men have since come to realise that reacting to every word the woman says in her moment of agitation will make them appear very insane to a world that is ignorant of the genesis of the situation. This is because, when a man beats his wife, it is her cries and pains people get to hear, not the reason for those cries. Therefore, do what some men do, walk away if you aren’t strong enough to ignore her or stop eating her food for a while to drive home your anger. No woman is always comfortable when her husband ignores her food and person for too long. Trust me this works better than hitting her. Over time, she will begin to respect your approach and person better than when you were hitting her. She will begin to exercise some restraints in her attitude and disposition towards you generally. A mere glance from some men is enough to make the woman think twice before saying anything. The reaction of a woman to a violent husband is like that of a child. When a child is subjected to frequent beating, the child soon develops a thick skin; making correction very difficult to impact. No matter how bad your wife is, you have erased all your advantages by being physical. By beating her you not only expose her to the ridicule of neighbours but yourself too as a man unable to control his temper. Nasty neighbours and friends cash in on such situations of make fun of the woman; call her names in the process causing her to be more determined to make life a living hell for the man for exposing her pains to all and sundry. Her attitude of insolence is to make you too feel her pains and embarrassment; to let you know how it feels to be humiliated. Even if you cannot apologise, let her know you are willing to change through your attitude towards her. But as the man, it behooves you to take the decisive steps of growing your home into an ideal one by initiating a dialogue aimed at getting to the bottom of your problems in your home. There must be something you saw in her that tilted the scale in her favour during your days of searching for the right woman. Dig it up from wherever you kept it. Such memories are what you need now to help pull your marriage off this abyss. To get the full picture, encourage her to talk about all her disappointments. By so doing, you will get the benefit of her thoughts, likes and clues on the way forward for both of you. Always remember that just as it takes two to tango, it also takes two to create a situation in a marriage. She cannot, on her own, have brought about all the pains and distress in your marriage without your help and inputs. Where you are wrong, be humane enough to apologise and where right, insist on it with love. Marriage is compromises and sacrifices. Both of you must learn to shift grounds a little bit for the sake of yourselves and those children who for now need your presence and care. All you need is determination to make it work. As the head of the home, you can stand in gap for your wife. Pray out what you don’t want in her. God is very much in the business of making right what has gone wrong. Good luck.

Before my mum bungle my dream to be a wife…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My mother is ruining my life. I am tired and deeply unhappy and falling into depression. My mother is a single parent and I’m her only child. My father died 10 years ago and his family rejected me after his demise. From her story too, she also didn’t want me but kept me when she was told she would die if she attempted to abort me. In 2008, my mother rejected the man I was dating on the ground that he once dated her friend’s daughter. Despite her objections, I continued with him because we loved each other. He was my life, my world, just as I was his. However fate intervened when my pastor friend who is like my sister cautioned me against continuing with the relationship. According to the vision she saw concerning my boyfriend, he has a very short lifespan. For this reason she said, I should terminate the relationship. We were too deeply in love that we ended up sleeping with each other. However, 10 months into our relationship, his sister and mother said they didn’t like me even though his mum has never met me. We had no choice at that point but to end the relationship. Also, at about that time, I dreamt of him dying. But before I took the decision to leave him, I asked him if he knew about his short lifespan, he said he has been told. That was the point I decided it was time I left him. Therefore, I decided to date another man but I still couldn’t stop thinking about my former boyfriend. On about three occasions, I secretly met with him, but we didn’t go beyond kissing. After the third time, I decided to stop seeing him despite my feelings for him. Just as I was settling into my second relationship, I suffered a disappointment. He went back on his promise to marry me. At that point, I resumed having sex with my ex boyfriend even though he made it clear he wasn’t going into a full-scale relationship with me again. According to him, he needed time to think. After a while, I couldn’t wait because I felt he was just using me for sex. I left town for my master’s programme. At that point I decided to remain single. My mother keeps trying to get me back with my ex-boyfriend, who disappointed me unfortunately; I am not interested. She has done so many spiritual things; even got him to be calling me but I changed my number. My pastor warned against going home as my family was planning a wedding for me. According to her it would be my doom. Three months into my programme, another man proposed; actually on my birthday. I agreed because I felt I was over my first boyfriend. I introduced him to my mother’s sisters. They all accepted him, but my mother insisted she was going to pray about it. She came back to say it was my ex I should marry and not the man I want to marry. According to her, my ex is actually my husband. To my surprise, my aunties who were all in support of my choice also changed; at that point, I knew it was planned work. So I recorded all their conversation and played it to my fiancé. We had everything planned. His family was going to pay for everything and had even paid for the wedding dress as well as the wedding rings. He too abruptly ended the relationship. I therefore found myself thinking more about my first boyfriend whom I loved so much. Strangely, I wasn’t upset about my fiancé leaving; instead I was thinking more about my first boyfriend. But my mother insists I marry my second boyfriend and that I may never marry since he is the one ordained by God for me as my husband. The painful thing is that my mother has refused to listen to anything I say. She went to the extent of giving an ultimatum to call him. I am very angry with her because she won’t listen to me. Out of confusion, I called my first boyfriend only for him to inform me that he has another woman in his life. I was very hurt by statement and confession of being in love with his current woman. Although I still love him, I have accepted my fate. He however promised to come back to me if things don’t work out between him and this new woman in his life. My concern has to do with my mother’s attitude towards me. She is ruining my life and I really plan to stop seeing her for the sake of peace. She only listens to her sisters who are witches and out to destroy my life. They don’t want me to do well they want their children to do better than me. My mother has even joined her sisters because I saw her initiation in my dreams. Her sisters have tried to kill me severally in my dream, but God is always protecting me. My pastor who is like my sister prays a lot for me and supports and fights my battles, but it is starting to affect me psychologically. I am beginning to become very unhappy. Because I live alone, I am always very lonely and I am beginning to feel deeply unhappy. I love my ex but he is now in love with someone else. I am finding it hard to get over him. Please, how can I get over him and avoid doing what my mother wants? What should I do about my situation? Hurt Girl. Dear Hurt Girl, Go and discuss with your mother. She holds the key to your happiness. Although persistent prayers will free you from this problem but there is the need for you to call your mother to a private conference. From your account, it will be almost impossible for any man to stay with you if your mother maintains her stance. For reasons best known to her, she will continue to counter any decision you made. The men will continue to jilt you at vital points in your life. Fighting your mother or branding her names won’t work. That dream came about because God wanted you to be aware of the forces behind your problems. What you need now is wisdom to tackle that which God has shown you. It would be foolishness on your part to go about branding her a witch. You will only be complicating your situation. Don’t forget you were never wanted by her. She only kept you when she was told she would die if she attempted to abort you. Therefore, the battle you are fighting didn’t start today. It started the moment your father denied you and made you her sole responsibility. In a way she feels you owe her your life because she sacrificed her freedom and happiness for you. She secretly blames you for the pains of bringing up a child on her own as well as her inability to marry. Granted, she is your mother, but in her twisted view, she blames your presence in her life for all the problems in her own. She might have made up her mind to frustrate you the same way your father did to her. The human mind is deep and very incomprehensible. You are her child no doubt but you are also the daughter of the man who hurt her, the deepest in her life. Since your father is out of her reach, you are the next person she can hurt. This is why you must first understand the premise of her attitude towards you. In asking for a meeting with her, go on your knees and really beg her for forgiveness. Remind her that she is all you have; that you want to make her very proud and happy for the decision she took to look after and love you. Appreciate her for the sleepless nights, sacrifices she has been making as a mother. Let her know you owe her everything you are today. Thereafter, ask her why she thinks her choice is better than yours. Since you brought the man to her and not the other way round; give her the considerations that she might have observed one or two things you didn’t notice in this man. The man might have hurt you in the past but it won’t take anything out of you to listen to what your mother has to say. Promise her to consider her choice because obedience to one’s parents is an order from God. Then go back to God for help and assistance. Since He has established a means of communication with you, plead with Him to guide you. Also ask your pastor friend to stand in gap for you while you also pray and fast on your own. The spirit of God being universal, your dreams and prompting will be the same. It takes absolute wisdom to climb a slippery hill, no matter how deeply etched the footsteps are. The bond between mother and child is too strong and powerful. The mystery of the womb is so deep that mothers can invoke it whenever it pleases them. It is a spiritual thing, hence the need for you to be very careful and wise in dealing with your mother and her sisters. If your mother withdraws her support, her sisters will not be able to get you. They appear to be succeeding because they have the support of your mother. She is the one who has given them the spiritual authority to exercise over your affairs. Besides you have to act fast before it is too late. Don’t forget a woman’s lifespan is limited compared to that of the man. Even if you avoid her without begging her, you will never be free. If she refuses to let you be at the end of the day; hand her over to God who has all the power to redeem you. As for your ex, let go of him. He has his life to live; you had your time to mind too. Since you left him on account of him having a very short lifespan, why are you still holding on to the memories of him? For now, concentrate on empowering yourself spiritually. At the end of the day, whatever haze remains will be cleared by God Himself. At God’s right time you will get married. But whatever happens, always show respect for her person and position in your life. Good luck.

Won’t circumcision deny me good sex?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a lady of 23 years. I recently found out that I was circumcised as a baby. I have been wondering if I can enjoy sex naturally. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, There is no reason you shouldn’t enjoy sex like most circumcised women. There is nothing you can do about a situation that you have no control over. Granted, women who are not circumcised do enjoy sex better, but there is no peak a circumcised woman can’t get to if she knows her onion. Circumcision should not be an excuse for a woman not to enjoy sex. This is because sex is both a process and an attitude. A lot depends on the kind of attitude you have towards sex. Most of the time, problems come when we adopt the wrong attitude to sex. You get to an age when sex becomes a tool of pleasure, communication, consolidation and a way of life, when it ceases to be wrong or forbidden. When that time comes, it becomes so right, expansive and pleasurable. Honestly the mystery and pleasure of sex belong to those who are broad-minded. It also depends on the attitude of one’s partner. Fortunately, the woman is blessed with the depth and wisdom to draw any man out of his shell. To enjoy quality time with your husband, develop a very deep sense of adventure. You can achieve this by the different kinds of position you adopt. Some positions give the woman more pleasure than others. Even if you have been circumcised, your erotic points remain intact. All you have to do is to discover where those spots are. Once you find them out, encourage your man to concentrate on those zones, to give you ultimate pleasure at the point you need it the most. The use of fingertips and tongue can achieve magical results when applied at the right time and place. The pleasure of sex isn’t in the act alone, but in all the processes that go with it. Therefore, read up books, discuss on the subject and when the time comes, don’t be limited by your fears. Be proud to be a woman for your husband, the joy of it all to know how to hold on to him and bring him back with your body, soul and mind when he strays. Even if you are not circumcised, but lack the right kind of attitude towards sex, you still will not be able to enjoy sex fully. As a woman, you have it in you to enjoy sex any day and time, but wait until you are married. Marriage is the platform a woman needs to be fully happy. Just make up your mind to enjoy sex when you marry because it is a special gift from God. Good luck.

He opted out without explanation…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a boyfriend, who is good and I care so much for him. I love him more than I do my parents. I recently fell ill, contrary to what I expected, he didn’t even bother about me. I really didn’t mind this, irrespective of how I felt about his attitude. My love for him didn’t diminish in anyway. However, he recently called me to announce his lack of interest in me any longer. He didn’t even bother to give me any explanations. What can I do? Please help me, because I still love him. Dammy. Dear Dammy, You are in that phase of life when hearts are broken and mended. When good dreams almost become a kind of nightmare; when love like a beautiful flower loses its firmness and fragrance overnight. You cannot do anything about his decision. Even if you think there is something you can do, for your own sake, don’t. Allow him be. He obviously isn’t into you, as you are with him, for reasons best known to him. Besides, the kind of love you described you have for him is akin to acute case of obsession – the kind that pockets reason. It can be very frightening for someone who has never experienced that kind of expression before. He is keeping away because you appear to be garroting him with what you feel for him. At the point he is now, the strong scent of your feelings for him is making him blind to your person, so much so he appears to have lost the real you in the shadow of your love. If you don’t grant him the freedom to get some sniff of fresh air, he could end up hating you at the end of the day. The danger of holding on too tightly to him now is that of losing him finally. Chances are after a while he may want to reconsider you, but first you have to let go of him for him to meet the person behind the feelings. Besides, it takes a special man, one with so much wisdom and understanding to appreciate your kind of woman who is so obvious with her feelings. More often than not, most men either think the woman is desperate or use her open mindedness to maltreat her. In addition, your feelings haven’t really given him a chance to meet the real you, this is important for the growth of any relationship. Give him the chance to meet all the sides there are to see in you. Granted you may love him more than you do your parents, but you may not in his opinion be good enough for him. There may be other aspects of you he isn’t comfortable with. Give him time to munch on what he likes the most about you. Besides, you will also need the time to scrutinise him beyond what you feel for him. For you as the woman, a relationship should be beyond what you feel to what works. You may love a man, but you have to be convinced by his character and attitude towards you that your feelings for him aren’t wasted. What if he at the end of the day says you should come back and begins to treat you as his doormat? As a woman, you must from this early begin to place some values on yourself. There is no harm in loving a man, but there is so much emotional damage in the long run by ignoring impending signs of danger. Being in love doesn’t mean you should ignore the fundamental fact of his indifference to you. If at this early stage in your relationship, he ignores you when ill, what do you think would happen when the relationship is older? This is the stage he should be at your beck and call, be attentive to your needs. This action is worth looking at and taking note of. Such seemingly unimportant points, at the end of the day, make the scale when considering the significant issue of marriage. No matter how much you care for a man, don’t ever allow him to get away with maltreating you, no matter how slight or insignificant. Once you allow him get away with it, it becomes a routine and pattern in the relationship. Every relationship must be balanced and well spelt out, each segment given its attention for the growth of the relationship. Right now, both of you need the time out to properly evaluate your feelings for each other. Don’t worry if you are both meant to be things will sure work out. Good luck.

Her promiscuity ended our affair, yet can’t stop thinking of her…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a problem with the girl I hope to marry in the nearest future. About 18 months ago I noticed she was having an affair with another guy while she kept denying the existence of such a thing between them. Sometime ago, I went to her hostel outside the school campus to spend the night with her. I noticed however that around 12 midnight, she received a call from someone. Thinking I have slept, she told the person at the other end of the phone that she would see him the next day. When she came back inside the room and I asked her whom it was she was speaking with, she didn’t answer me. When I took the key to the car and made to leave that night, she locked me in, insisting I could not leave at that time of the night. I however shoved her aside and left her room that night. I have come to her to beg in the company of some elders, but she won’t listen to what I have to say. However, in the last three months, despite having another girl in my life, I can’t stop thinking of my former girlfriend. Please what can I do to eliminate that girl from my thoughts? Please Agatha, help me out. Temitope. Dear Temitope, Emotional disappointments are normal in every relationship. They actually help us to refocus on the things that are most important in life. There is no man or woman alive who doesn’t have your kind of story to tell. These kinds of experiences are what give us character, history, and stories to tell when we get older in life. If you consider the fact that we would only end up marrying one person out of the many people we date or are interested in, it will help give new perspective and understanding to what is happening to you now. The fact is, if this lady was meant to last forever in your life, no other man would have been able to take her away from you. She may have come into your life for the purpose of helping you grow beyond the level you were when you two first started dating. No matter what you are currently feeling, the truth is that every relationship is unique, has a reason it happened as well as the lesson it has come to impact. Unfortunately, more often than not, we choose to mourn a failed relationship more than concentrating on the inherent lessons, every little experience packed into it, it teaches us. The chances of her ever coming back to you are very slim considering the fact that she turned down the pleas of the elders you brought to prevail on her. Frankly speaking, the time has come for you to devote more time to your current relationship so you don’t lose perhaps the most important woman that would ever grace your life. Close the last chapter of your life with your ex with determination. It is finished; to continue to hold on to it will be to destroy whatever kind of future that exists between you and your current girlfriend. Try putting yourself in the shoes of your new girlfriend. How would you feel if she is just using you to get over a bad relationship in her life? You have made the costly mistake of approaching her for a relationship when you were least prepared for another woman in your life. The least you can do now is to concentrate on making this relationship work. We all get to a point in our adult life when we make the knotty decision of damning all consequences and jumping head on into stormy water. This is that point in your life. It is either you elect to stay on, holding on to figments of a dream gone bad or plunge into this new relationship without thinking of the past. There are no two ways to make this work for you. Your heritage is all the things that happened in your previous relationship. Doubtless, you made some kinds of mistake. You must strive to avoid those mistakes in your current relationship. Only a wise student after failing an examination knows the things to avoid when rewriting the paper. That one is brilliant doesn’t make that person the wisest. If you really want to tap into the real lessons of your relationship with your ex, be truthful to yourself. Granted, she was dating you and another man concurrently, the fact that you still found it imperative to stay on shows that the fault wasn’t hers alone. Examine your own contributions to the final story. Accept where you went wrong with a view to avoiding the same mistakes in your current relationship and at the same time give attention to improving your strong points to make you an even better man. From your letter, I discerned two things. One, you appear weak as well as having temper. Every man, by virtue of the leadership position God has given him, should take charge. Although you didn’t say anything about what really led to the problem, but it appears that you were not in charge of that relationship because certain things simply didn’t add up. You knew she was having an affair and you still took elders to beg her. What was the motive of begging her, to continue to date you on the side or what? Then why did you take the unnecessary risk of leaving her hostel room at the ungodly hour you left even when she made attempts to stop you? One of the lessons you must learn, as a man, is to be firm and in full charge of your life and relationship at all times. No matter the provocation, control your temper. When a man is easily provoked into action, he becomes a victim of his own weakness. His temper can easily be used by a mischievous woman to justify her ulterior motives. The fact that you couldn’t control your temper enough to restrain yourself from leaving that night showcases you as a man not really in charge of his emotions. This is one area you should work on to make your next relationship enjoyable and profitable. Your ex may belong to the category of women that like strong willed men, not the kind they can control. This could be what your ex finds very objectionable about her relationship with you. To make this relationship work, you must do everything to stop your mind from drifting to this other lady. Regard her as a friend who has left your life for good. Besides, you will be robbing yourself of precious moments especially as your ex is moving on with her life. Therefore, devote time to finding out the uniqueness that is your new girlfriend. Look for her strong points; these will help you get to know her better. Follow this by creating special time for the two of you. Begin to build wonderful memories together; getting to know each other better will make it easier for you to begin to forget your ex. Another thing you should do is to make this new girl your best friend. Discuss and converse with her at all times. From the beginning, don’t make sex the most important thing in your current relationship; rather, let the emphasis be placed on friendship. This way you will not only be able to grow the relationship on values, a foundation that will help it overcome major crisis, you will also be giving it a special character it needs to flourish. But you have to be sure that you have some feelings for this lady; that you are not with her to fill your emptiness at the loss of your former girlfriend. Honestly, if you are using her as a rebound, you may never be able to rid yourself of the memories of the other woman or have the motivation to make this work. So before you go further and complicate the life of this innocent woman, be sure your feelings for her are right. If you are not so sure, it is best you let her be at this early stage because to continue would be to spoil her for any other man who will be interested in marrying her, thereby making her a victim of your own shortcomings. Stay on only if you are sure of what you feel for her. Good luck.

He womanises, but still my dream guy

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am young, a Nigerian and in love with a Ghanaian. We are both in love with each other but I noticed he is always interested in having sex with me. Since I refused to have sex with him, he does elsewhere. He is a footballer and travels to many places. He also likes flirting with different girls. I don’t want to lose him because he is everything I want in a guy. Please help me before I lose my mind. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, Unless you are ready to sleep with him, be prepared to lose him. This is because any man who cares about a woman doesn’t force her to do anything against her will especially if it has to do with sex. That he is sleeping with another woman while still in a relationship with you is enough evidence that capitulating to his demands will not stop him from flirting and having other affairs. At the end of the day, you will be the final loser because. after sleeping with you, you become like all the other women that have graced his bed, a mere statistic to add to his trophies of conquests. Given the kind of picture you have painted of him, such a man cannot be held down by sex because he still regards it as a form of recreation, fun as well as something he has a right to wherever he goes. In his current state of mind, every girl he sees is a good spot. He may like you in his own way but love? I doubt. This is because love goes hand in hand with respect and plenty of sacrifices. A man who is truly in love will understand why you are insisting on time to be ready and willing to endure the attendant restraints that go within the territory. That he isn’t afraid to advertise his interest in other women and the extent of his relationship with them tells a story of his own; one any sensible girl desirous of preserving her future must guard against. Should you allow yourself to be blackmailed into agreeing to what he wants and pregnancy occurs in the process, this kind of man will demand you abort the pregnancy. This is because he is having too much fun to want to be tied down to the apron strings of any woman or child for that matter. Until he begins to attach some responsibility, respect and value to the act of intimacy and you, be careful. One way you can help yourself become relevant to him is to be different from all the girls around him. Apart from insisting on not having sex, set your targets in life. Focus on growing and empowering yourself. If you are still in school, make education your priority. Become the best in your set. This way, you will not only show him that you have what it takes to excel but a material any man with senses should hold on to. By the time you make the right choices, he would be the one running after you, craving for your attention, afraid of losing you instead of you lapping after him. Make yourself a woman most men would want to have for life. It is the one of the most effective ways a woman can attract and keep the attention of a man. In addition to securing your position in life, it will help you give new meaning to your life, dreams and aspiration. Sex is cheap, when done without value, plans and for the fun of it. As with everything, when your season comes, you will wonder at the concern you put into something that isn’t worth it. There is no time you go to shop for sex that you won’t get it, but if you don’t devote time for improving your life, giving new meanings and challenges to it at its time, you will end up with more regrets than you can manage. Let this man know that your body and mind growth are more important to you than what he is offering you. Leave him. Don’t worry too much about his attitude towards you. See it as a way of helping you grow in responsibility. Next time he comes, tell him he is free to go since you will never submit to him until your season comes. If he is yours, he will wait for you but if he isn’t, you allow him go before you make the worst kind of mistake in your life. Good luck.

My father-in-law raped me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two months ago, my husband of 18 months travelled for a six-month course abroad. Since I was with a little baby and nobody to stay with me, his mother told him to allow me come stay with them pending the time he would come back from his training. My mother-in-law was the second wife and was hardly at home due to the nature of her business. The first wife too also had a business to run so I was left on my own most of the time. But it was better than staying in our flat all by myself. The first time it happened, I was all alone with my father-in-law at home when he raped me right on my mother-in-law’s bed. There was nobody to talk to and besides who would believe me? It became a pattern for him to force his attention on me anytime he so desires. I didn’t even know I had become pregnant because I was still breast-feeding my baby. It was my mother-in-law who discovered my state and demanded for an explanation. It was then I opened up to her about what has been happening behind her. To my surprise, she believed my story just as my father-in-law didn’t bother to deny being responsible for my pregnancy. It was at that point I discovered that he is the father of his first daughter’s child; a reason why the first wife and her children hate him with so much passion. I am so confused and don’t know what to do. Though I have aborted the pregnancy, I am not so sure about my stay in the house and family anymore. Despite the fact that my mother-in-law has begged me not to tell my husband, there is no way I would feel comfortable anymore knowing what I have been through in the hands of my father-in-law. I haven’t told my family and don’t know if I should inform my husband about the incident. In my part of the country, what the father did to me is considered a taboo. I am afraid for my child. What if I allow my husband get close to me and he dies or my son for that matter? I really love my husband and would have loved to spend the rest of my life with him but given this shameful act, how can I allow my husband get intimate with me when I now hate all men? He is due back any moment from now and I still don’t have a clue as to what to do. What should I do? Do I tell my husband the whole story of what his father did to me? Distressed Wife. Dear Distressed Wife, Honestly, your story is very pathetic. But you acted childish by not telling your mother-in-law the first time he raped you. By not saying anything, you gave the impression that you liked it hence his nerve in coming back to rape you whenever he felt the urge to sleep with you. Had you fought him, threatened to tell the whole world, he might not have continued till he got you pregnant. In a way, by your silence you gave him the confidence to. Even if you couldn’t tell your mother-in-law, you could have reported the incident to your husband or insisted on going to stay with a friend or your family pending the time your husband comes back. Since his father has the record of having raped his daughter, without you even telling your husband the entire story of what transpired, he would have guessed your reasons through your action. Also, your mother-in-law and husband share in the blame. Since your husband knew his father has the problem of sleeping indiscriminately with women, including his daughter, he should never have agreed to his mother’s suggestion that you come to stay in the same house as his father while he was away. Any man who can father a child through his daughter, is capable of sleeping with any woman. Your husband should have either insisted you stayed alone in the house or with your own people if he didn’t want to tell you the nature of his father. By allowing you stay without putting you on the alert, he indirectly helped the situation you are now in. No matter how hard a leopard tries, he can never change its spots. Your mother-in-law as an elderly woman, should have devoted more time to protecting you from her husband. Knowing the nature of her husband, she should have pended her business since she was the one that invited you to come and stay. As it is, it is only a matter of time before your husband hears the full story. If he doesn’t hear it from his parents, he would definitely hear it from one of his siblings especially from his stepsiblings who would joyfully give him all the details since the shame isn’t only on their side of the family anymore. Since his course is nearing completion, move out of that home immediately. You can go to your parents’. For now, don’t tell them anything, just give them an excuse as to why you want to come and stay with them until your husband comes back. Once he gets back, tell him everything. He deserves to know. If you decide to leave him after telling him, at least he would know why. After that, you can tell your parents if you so desire but be sure that you are convinced that you are through with the marriage because no sane parents would want their daughter to continue in such a family. Frankly a lot depends on your husband. Even though you are the victim, some men would have this habit of making the woman feel like the offender when it comes to rape cases. The simple fact that you didn’t speak out when it first happened is enough reason for him to adjudge you guilty but like I said, the direction your home heads would depend greatly on how much he loves you as well as his level of maturity. The fact that you got pregnant in the process and had to abort is another high point of worry. But at this delicate stage, commit everything to the hands of God. As for your customs and tradition, let your husband worry about that. Since he isn’t oblivious of it, he will certainly know the steps to take. And if he isn’t, point it out to him of the consequences of both of you not intimating elders in your side of the family of the spiritual implications of what his father did to you later in life. Even if you don’t have such cultural norms, it isn’t right for both father and son to have sexual relationship with the same woman. The fact that you got pregnant in the process of it is enough reasons for you and your husband to seek spiritual help from a pastor. Go before an ordained man of God who is in a position to intercede on your behalf to ward off any spiritual consequences of the abomination your father-in-law committed with you. Whatever happens, be rest assured that God is a fair judge and would at His time and season wipe away the pains, humiliations and abuse of this moment. And one of the ways you can rise above this challenge is to refuse to take the blame of being responsible for it. God is your strength and reason for being alive. Good luck.

I’m in blood oath with three girls…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been following a lot of your advice. I am one of your great fans. I am currently in a very deep mess. At first I didn’t know the gravity of the problem or the situation I was getting myself into. I took blood oaths with three different ladies, and I want to do away with all these oaths. The promise was that I would always love them, no matter the circumstances. My questions are, won’t these oaths have negative effects on my life and how can I break them. Please assist me. Lynx, Uganda Dear Lynx, Blood promise with one person is bad enough. What were you thinking in taking blood oath with three different women, all promising to love them no matter the situation? There is no contesting the fact that these covenants would have negative effects on you later in life, because blood itself involves life. It represents the spirit of life in everything that is living. Therefore when one goes into blood oaths, it goes beyond the physical. It becomes an exchange between the spirits of life. Each of these women come with their spiritual beings, their destinies, their challenges, and all the attendants things we do on earth. To have gone into promises that require the exchange of blood, you receive their challenges along with yours. They too are with some of your own fortune, because you are the one who make the greater promise of loving them through thick and thin. As the one who is unfaithful, you are the one most likely to end up with the physical and spiritual liabilities of each of these women. Because they are three in number, it means you will, unless God intervenes swim from one problem to the other because blood covenant is the only kind of oath God recognises and accepts. This is because blood is the only substance in our bodies that cocoons the secret of life. This is why scientists, though have the knowledge of its composition, have not been able to find a surrogate for blood. The substance of life has to come from another human being for one life in need of blood to be saved. There is no other way to it. Blood represents the spirit of God in humans especially. It is a highly spiritual import, which is why it took the atonement of the blood of Jesus Christ to set us free from the stronghold of the devil. This is why the toughest sacrifices and fetish demands are often blood related. In the eyes of God, you are spiritually married to these women. Even if you marry another woman, no matter how exceptional she is, without you doing something about breaking these multiple oaths you entered into, your chances of finding happiness in life are very slim. What others are getting with ease will become so much of a struggle for you. Without meaning to frighten you, if any of these women is vicious enough to resist your attempts at pacifying her, you will forever remain under her spiritual authority until she lets go. This is because God recognises the first covenant you entered into especially as it involved the exchange of blood. Unfortunately, breaking them isn’t always as easy as the process of entering into such high level oaths. This is because it is impossible to separate the blood each of you sucked on that day of the oath. First you have to seek the face of God in prayers and fasting for mercy. Don’t forget He is a covenant keeping God, one that operates on the principle of life for a life. Only His mercy and help can undo that which you foolishly did to yourself especially as your motive was based on deceit and greed to have each of these women in your life at all cost. One thing is do something based on the goodness of heart another is to do it based on falsehood. You thought entering into these covenants was the only way to get these women to trust sufficiently in your quest to have them. Sadly, you have become the prisoner of your greed. This is why your case goes beyond the ordinary breaking of vows to first seeking the forgiveness of God. It has to come from a heart that is really repentant and seeking of true mercy. If possible, go and meet with your pastor to pray along with you. It isn’t just the now but about your entire future. The sad thing about blood covenants especially if it involves a woman who is spiritually unforgiving, the man risks involving all his entire descendants in a battle they know nothing of. This is because the scorned woman will stop at nothing, including going through higher powers to seek revenge. Only the mercy of God can help ward off situations like this. Follow this up with visits to each of these women to explain your reasons for entering into the oath with them and why you are now backing out. It is important you don’t complicate an already bad situation with lies. At this junction you are now, only the truth can set you free. It has gone beyond questing for their forgiveness to revealing your real reason for going into such oaths from the beginning. Once you are able to secure the pardon of these women, return to your source with all the women for special deliverance. As long as you trust in God and are determined to stay put in His way, He will help you but you have to be truthful to yourself. Good luck.

My father-in-law raped me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two months ago, my husband of 18 months travelled for a six-month course abroad. Since I was with a little baby and nobody to stay with me, his mother told him to allow me come stay with them pending the time he would come back from his training. My mother-in-law was the second wife and was hardly at home due to the nature of her business. The first wife too also had a business to run so I was left on my own most of the time. But it was better than staying in our flat all by myself. The first time it happened, I was all alone with my father-in-law at home when he raped me right on my mother-in-law’s bed. There was nobody to talk to and besides who would believe me? It became a pattern for him to force his attention on me anytime he so desires. I didn’t even know I had become pregnant because I was still breast-feeding my baby. It was my mother-in-law who discovered my state and demanded for an explanation. It was then I opened up to her about what has been happening behind her. To my surprise, she believed my story just as my father-in-law didn’t bother to deny being responsible for my pregnancy. It was at that point I discovered that he is the father of his first daughter’s child; a reason why the first wife and her children hate him with so much passion. I am so confused and don’t know what to do. Though I have aborted the pregnancy, I am not so sure about my stay in the house and family anymore. Despite the fact that my mother-in-law has begged me not to tell my husband, there is no way I would feel comfortable anymore knowing what I have been through in the hands of my father-in-law. I haven’t told my family and don’t know if I should inform my husband about the incident. In my part of the country, what the father did to me is considered a taboo. I am afraid for my child. What if I allow my husband get close to me and he dies or my son for that matter? I really love my husband and would have loved to spend the rest of my life with him but given this shameful act, how can I allow my husband get intimate with me when I now hate all men? He is due back any moment from now and I still don’t have a clue as to what to do. What should I do? Do I tell my husband the whole story of what his father did to me? Distressed Wife. Dear Distressed Wife, Honestly, your story is very pathetic. But you acted childish by not telling your mother-in-law the first time he raped you. By not saying anything, you gave the impression that you liked it hence his nerve in coming back to rape you whenever he felt the urge to sleep with you. Had you fought him, threatened to tell the whole world, he might not have continued till he got you pregnant. In a way, by your silence you gave him the confidence to. Even if you couldn’t tell your mother-in-law, you could have reported the incident to your husband or insisted on going to stay with a friend or your family pending the time your husband comes back. Since his father has the record of having raped his daughter, without you even telling your husband the entire story of what transpired, he would have guessed your reasons through your action. Also, your mother-in-law and husband share in the blame. Since your husband knew his father has the problem of sleeping indiscriminately with women, including his daughter, he should never have agreed to his mother’s suggestion that you come to stay in the same house as his father while he was away. Any man who can father a child through his daughter, is capable of sleeping with any woman. Your husband should have either insisted you stayed alone in the house or with your own people if he didn’t want to tell you the nature of his father. By allowing you stay without putting you on the alert, he indirectly helped the situation you are now in. No matter how hard a leopard tries, he can never change its spots. Your mother-in-law as an elderly woman, should have devoted more time to protecting you from her husband. Knowing the nature of her husband, she should have pended her business since she was the one that invited you to come and stay. As it is, it is only a matter of time before your husband hears the full story. If he doesn’t hear it from his parents, he would definitely hear it from one of his siblings especially from his stepsiblings who would joyfully give him all the details since the shame isn’t only on their side of the family anymore. Since his course is nearing completion, move out of that home immediately. You can go to your parents’. For now, don’t tell them anything, just give them an excuse as to why you want to come and stay with them until your husband comes back. Once he gets back, tell him everything. He deserves to know. If you decide to leave him after telling him, at least he would know why. After that, you can tell your parents if you so desire but be sure that you are convinced that you are through with the marriage because no sane parents would want their daughter to continue in such a family. Frankly a lot depends on your husband. Even though you are the victim, some men would have this habit of making the woman feel like the offender when it comes to rape cases. The simple fact that you didn’t speak out when it first happened is enough reason for him to adjudge you guilty but like I said, the direction your home heads would depend greatly on how much he loves you as well as his level of maturity. The fact that you got pregnant in the process and had to abort is another high point of worry. But at this delicate stage, commit everything to the hands of God. As for your customs and tradition, let your husband worry about that. Since he isn’t oblivious of it, he will certainly know the steps to take. And if he isn’t, point it out to him of the consequences of both of you not intimating elders in your side of the family of the spiritual implications of what his father did to you later in life. Even if you don’t have such cultural norms, it isn’t right for both father and son to have sexual relationship with the same woman. The fact that you got pregnant in the process of it is enough reasons for you and your husband to seek spiritual help from a pastor. Go before an ordained man of God who is in a position to intercede on your behalf to ward off any spiritual consequences of the abomination your father-in-law committed with you. Whatever happens, be rest assured that God is a fair judge and would at His time and season wipe away the pains, humiliations and abuse of this moment. And one of the ways you can rise above this challenge is to refuse to take the blame of being responsible for it. God is your strength and reason for being alive. Good luck.