Before He Marries Second Wife…

Dear Agatha,

I am in my mid 20s and have been married for two years. I am still looking unto God for the fruit of the womb. 

Before I married my husband, he presented himself as a good and responsible man. I honestly didn’t know the other side of him, his extreme passion for women. His is what you would describe as an acute Casanova. He simply cannot take his eyes off a woman. The last time I caught him with a woman, rather than apologise, he told me in very clear terms to either learn to live with him and his affairs or quit the marriage so he can bring in a woman who would give him children.

He has called me so many names, said so many unprintable things to me and has actually beaten me mercilessly, all because I haven’t been able to be pregnant.  These days, he does whatever he likes and lavish money at will on his girlfriends. 

Agatha, it is hell for me in his house as even his mother is afraid to challenge him. He is in full control of everybody.  

I love him because he is my husband. He is now of the opinion that nothing good can come from me and has prepared me for the coming of his second wife any moment from. He has given me the freedom to go if I don’t want to meet the person.  Advise me on how to deal with this situation. He doesn’t go to church but claims to know God better than those that do. He says his mistresses give him joy. 

Lillian

Dear Lillian,

When things get this complicated in a marriage, it is time to go back into time, to check on facts that were ignored during those heady days of meeting and falling in love. The things you accused your husband of, womanising and violence aren’t habits that can be hidden for long. No matter how perfect a man is, these things are impulsive and almost second nature to him. There is no way he would have controlled his weakness where women are concerned from you. 

The question is, why were the issues important to you then? His looks, status and marriage or the kind of person he is?

Were you more diligent in your choice and observations, you might have noticed all these things you are now complaining of. 

Problems in marriages often occur with the issues we placed as priority from the beginning. What were your priorities while both of you were dating? Did you as young girl have a master plan for now? What kind of men appealed to you then? Were your concern and dreams based on the look of the man and status of the man only? Did you ever plan for the difficult days, when he would become ugly in both looks and character? Do you have an exigency plan for when things would go the way they are going now? Did you bother to look at his person, investigate his character through those close to him? What attitude do you have concerning this marriage? What are your limits, the things you cannot tolerate in a marriage? 

Honest answers to these questions would clear some of the confusions currently enveloping you. The challenge of marriage isn’t the issues that come up from time to time but our resolve to make it work at all cost. Nobody can make up your mind for you. At every point, you must determine those things in all the challenges that are out-rightly unacceptable, manageable and tolerable. This is because our experiences, dreams and tolerant levels are different. You are the one in this marriage, the one wearing the shoes and feeling the pains of the situation in your home. At this point, the best anyone can do for you now is to encourage you to face the truth about yourself through acknowledgment of your own faults and contribution to the situation in your home. 

Despicable as his attitude is, do you in all honesty consider the entire fault his alone? There are always two sides to a coin. Amiable resolution begins with a vision of what you want to achieve. And at this critical junction, a lot would depend on you. Clearly your man has lost the will to continue with this marriage and is determined for now to let go of you so he can bring in another woman. 

This makes your situation dicey as the accusation bothers on your inability to bear him children. 

Before getting to this deplorable condition in your marriage, did both of you go for any medical tests to ascertain if the problem is from you or him? Do you know if he has ever been able to get a woman pregnant? And have you ever been pregnant?

You must adopt a very practical approach to this issue because your husband’s behaviuor is typical of most men. Once they become desperate for a child, they become coarse and very temperamental all in the bid for the woman in the house to throw in the towel. 

Fighting or nagging won’t resolve this issue at all. Even if he forever angry with you, he would have a spell of sanity, that time he is most likely to listen to you. Having lived with him for two years, you must be able to determine when he would listen to you and when he would shun you. Trying to reason with him doesn’t make you weak or accustomed to physical abuse of your person, far from it. Rather, it is to satisfy yourself that you did your best to remedy a bad situation.  Helping to gently point to the angle he may not have bothered to look, the possibility that the fault could easily come from him just as it could come from you. This is a salient point you have to use the woman in you to present to him.

To achieve results, don’t make it appear as if you are out to justify anything but out of concern for your marriage as well as to protect him from the possibility of any of these women taking advantage of his desperation to foist another man’s child on him. At this juncture, fighting won’t resolve any issue rather, a gentle spirit would. It is also in your interest you know where the problem is coming from. If both of you are certified medically okay, it means tension could be the possible culprit. Without patience, the peace and presence of God, nothing can work in any marriage. 

Your challenge isn’t peculiar. Both of you aren’t the first couple to have this kind of problem neither would you be the last. Where there is friendship, patience and understanding, two years isn’t enough for him to give up on you. 

His lack of patience with you underscores the lack of friendship between the two of you as well as an absent of the knowledge of the vow you both took on your wedding day. A friend would always stand by a friend, no matter what. If it isn’t too late, find a way of having meaningful conversation with him. The process of sustaining love is one paved with thorns and endless sacrifices. He has become a part of you which is why you must look for a weakening in him to get your message of love and support through to him.

Frankly, this isn’t something you can do on your own. You require the presence and help of God to make the difference in your marriage, to help him realise that the problem is your joint responsibility and not yours alone.

The issue of him beating you would become secondary if both of you are able to find a way of seeing the doctor and finding out where the real challenge is. 

Much as I appreciate the seeming hopelessness of your marriage, it will help you to understand that not all men are equipped to handle emotional challenges. Obviously, your husband thought making babies was a simple case of a man sleeping with his wife. Finding out that it isn’t that simple for some couples would require a lot of tolerance, especially in the face of his other women. Pray for him to experience God in that special way to make him realise that children are God’s gifts and that it takes only the grace of God for a couple to produce them. 

Frankly, this marriage is your responsibility for now. Until he comes into full contact with God, you just have to make up your mind on whether to endure the situation with the dignity you have or leave him to his own devices. Staying means you have to be brutally frank to yourself as well as ignore the negative opinions of others. People would come with all sorts of attitude but turn your face to God, who sees everything. 

Handling your home and man to God will eventually show light at the end of the day as long as you believe in God and your marriage.

Good luck. 

Re: My Husband Is Callous, Inconsiderate

Dear Elizabeth,

I believe you do not need a soothsayer to tell you what to do in this situation. The writing is clear on the wall, the man you married does not love you anymore, everything you say or do, annoys and irritates him. This might be as a result of diminishing love for you. You might have to give him space and time, get you and your children out of that house. He needs time alone to take a good look at his marriage and the woman he once loved; he needs space to feel your impact on his life. If you’ve been the good wife that you claim to be, you can be sure he’ll come begging for forgiveness.

In as much as there might be questions as to how you got married, it is irrelevant to know since the marriage contract has been signed already. It seems one of you isn’t up to it and the other party is suffering for it. You need to give each other space and time, so that you can rekindle or reignite the feelings that made you pledge your love for each other. I believe it’s still there, a lot of it on your path. As for you husband, I believe something is covering/restricting it, the active presence of his mother in your marriage life is also not helping matters.

You could also try being more of the woman he dated: young, suave, stylish, dress good, look good and feel good with yourself, this will remind him of the days when things were going so well and give him a rethink. From a man’s point of view, we always fall for a woman who knows how to take care of herself, hold her own and hold her up high. He’s probably bored seeing you in that wrapper and looking un-kempt everyday. Get yourself a makeover, a nice hairdo, some new outfit etc.  At the same time, step up your efforts in taking care of the house as you claim to, all men will fall for a beautiful woman who takes good care of the house. Chances are that he might also be going through mid-life crisis. He will need your support to get through that.

Finally, I’d advise you to take your problems to God and pray fervently about it. There is nothing our God cannot do. I really hope that your marriage gets the desired peace and love that you crave. Nobody wants a broken home.

Mic.

Dear Agatha, 

I am writing in response to the advice you provided to the distressed lady. The case you addressed last week.

 I am not particularly happy with the advice given for the following reasons.

This lady is being verbally abused which in most cases is worse than physical abuse. It strips the lady of self-confidence FAST! As she stated in her story, he makes her feel worthless by denying any responsibility for the problems in her marriage.

He wishes her dead as he asked her why she survived her last pregnancy.

His mother treats her like dirt with the husband’s approval and in front of her children! How can you then advise someone in this condition to keep receiving this wickedness? Is it fair? Her children are watching and are learning that this is how marriages are meant to be and this is how the cycle of domestic violence continues even to the children.

This woman needs help! She needs to get away from the situation and the husbands need to get help and counselling. As she said, they knew she didn’t speak the local dialect when he married her. Why should that now be her fault? Please realise that the advice you give is read by a number of people who may be in the same circumstance. This trend of African women accepting domestic violence needs to end! Enough is Enough!

 Ibianbo Ogan.

My Man Enters Extra-marital Deal…

Dear Agatha,

I am in a terrible fix. I discovered my husband is having an affair. So many things have been going in my mind. A part of me wants me to end the marriage of six years with two children while another part of me says I should fight on. 

The thing is that I am demoralised by the knowledge that he is sleeping with another woman because I happen to love this man so much. 

If I had been told by anyone that he would ever have an affair, I would be the first to deny it but here I am with a copy of the text message he sent the lady as well as her response. 

I have tried to rationalise what could have led him to it, I have found none. I try to please him as best as I can and when I have to work late, I inform him and make arrangements for the house-help to get his meals ready. 

Because I am a product of a broken home, I try as best to avoid the mistakes my mother made in her home and handling of her husband. So, Agatha, I really don’t know where I went wrong and why he would choose to disgrace my love by going out with another woman. 

It is painful, humiliating and embarrassing. Honestly, if not for the text message, I wouldn’t have known anything because he is still his loving self, comes home at his usual time. 

I really don’t have a clue of why he is dating another woman. Agatha, why me? My best friend thinks it has to do with my passive and shy nature. He has always been the outgoing kind but I don’t, I prefer to stay at home all day. Please help me before I go insane.

Agonising Wife.

Dear Agonising Wife, 

I empathise with you. Discovering that the partner you trust with your whole heart and love so much is cheating on you can be very painful and humiliating no doubt. But to want to quit your home on account of this is foolishness. You would only be quitting for this woman to come in. It makes good sense for you to stay and fight for your man because men no matter the shape they are in, creed, colour and orientation are prone to having affairs outside their homes. Except for the grace of God, every man is susceptible to falling for the temptations most single women represent. 

What you need most at this point in time are prayers to defeat the challenges the other woman presents to the happiness of your home. To fight or nag your husband is to send him further into the arms of the other woman. Don’t give him or the other woman the satisfaction of achieving the aim both of them went into the relationship. That you are not fighting doesn’t mean you are not hurting or that you are weak, far from it, just a show of wisdom fuelled by determination to make your marriage work at all cost.

If you must know, only a very few women can honestly claim that they haven’t got their husbands at the wrong side of the bridge. You don’t have the patent for this kind of challenge. A lot of women have learnt to look the other way first for the sake of their children and for the preservations of their homes. The first lesson in all this is to accept the basic fact that from the ancient time, men have been polygamists. Like butterflies, many of them take delight in sampling all the beautiful flowers. It is a primeval thing one every woman going into marriage should prepare herself for psychologically. Preparing for it doesn’t make it right but it helps the woman to hurt less when it happens. 

Candidly, if you are serious about not having a broken home, stop justifying yourself and look critically at what possible reasons he may have for this relationship. Sometime, the little things we ignore are the real worms eating at our happiness in life. Granted that sometimes, men do not have any reason to go into these affairs but one or two things seemingly insignificant things may make them seek the warmth of another woman. Yes, it may be unfair since women too have one or two things to complain about in their marriages as well as in their men. However the reality on ground is that the society has an unwritten rule that has sympathy for men when these kinds of issues come up. 

To help win him back without fighting him, can you remember the particular thing he likes most about you? The one thing he has kept emphasising on about you, that extra special thing he finds irresistible in you? Can you remember? If you do, do you still have it, improved on it, and kept it valuable for him? Negligence too can cost a woman her husband’s love. When she persistently ignores that thing he holds in the highest esteem about her. 

Many a time, in the process of motherhood and keeping the home, many women forget that before they became mothers and housekeepers, they were first women, desired objects of their husbands. Every man wants a woman he can be proud of, put on his front shelve to his delight. Call it vanity but that is the reality of life. No matter how ugly a woman is, to the man who married her, she has something very special that no other woman has. 

To lose or neglect that thing is to akin to losing the man because men are natural wanderers. If you cannot recall what precisely it is, go down memory lane to that kind of hairstyle, dress, perfume, poise as well as attitude that got him in those early days to take a second look at you or put on all his plans for the day. 

You need to help him keep in mind all those good things he has forgotten about you. 

At home, if you can, take the children to spend the weekend with a close family friend or your siblings. This is to give you and your husband an exclusive time at home. Give him a surprise romantic dinner in your home complete with a mood setting music and in the meanest nightgown that leaves a little bit to the imagination. Saturate the entire room with his favourite perfume, the idea is to leave a memorial in both his brain and mind. So whenever he is with the other lady, memories of what you did to him would keep popping up in his mind’s eyes, making it difficult for him to concentrate on whatever the other lady is saying or doing. 

While you groom yourself back to action, invest on him by buying him gifts, perfumes as well as all the little exotic things he likes. Be careful not to mention anything about the other woman, this could be counterproductive. Improve on your human relationships with him by showing him more respect than you are currently doing. Get interested in his business, hobbies and interest. Take time out to invite him to his favourite sports zone. Plan a family picnic. Whether you like it or not, you have to get interested in his hobbies else you leave that flank opened in your marriage for any mischievous woman to take advantage of. 

Granted that marriage isn’t always about an individual but with the challenge you are facing as well as the threat of another woman taking over one’s home, a wise woman must master the act of putting the interest of her husband over her own. Should you fail to accompany him on his outings, take interest in his hobbies, another woman would and once they are able to form a team outside you, it would be very difficult for the woman inside to break into the formation unless she is wise, smart and prayerful. 

You just have to bury your sense of betrayal, embarrassment and humiliation to gain back your home. 

Again, you must look at the spiritual aspect. Trying to avoid what your mother did wrong in her marriage isn’t enough. You must be ready to rebuke any power that wants you to tow the path of your mother in marriage. You must pray relentlessly for God’s intervention in your marriage. In your opinion your husband has no reason to go into this affair. Then spiritually, something beyond him could be propelling him against his will just to ensure you don’t escape from the paths of the family foundations and controlling powers your families have chosen for you.  The ‘why me,’ attitude won’t help you at all. Taking charge spiritually and physically of your home and life is the only way out. 

Prayers will bring him back while your attitude and disposition would keep him permanently by your side. The fact that he still comes back home at his usual time is clue enough that he loves you and may be doing it without knowing what he is doing.

Good luck.  

She Can’t Even Wait Six Months…

Dear Agatha,

Before I left Nigeria, my girlfriend and I promised to marry. Because it wasn’t possible for me to come abroad with her, she promised to wait for me. That was just six months ago. 

Despite sending money to her and her family to augment her school fees and other sundry expenses, I learnt she has started dating my best friend’s brother. Although she is begging me to forgive her, I find the whole development disappointing and uncalled for, making it impossible for me to continue the relationship with her. 

Meanwhile, there is this old friend from secondary school I reconnected with on the Facebook. We have been communicating regularly. She promised to visit my family even though I have officially told them about her on phone. Known to my sister, she has promised to be faithful to me. I am confused. Hence need your help on the right step to take.  

Gentle Boy.

Dear Gentle Boy, 

Follow the dictates of your heart. But be careful you are not replacing one form of disappointment with another one. The challenge of long distance and Internet related relationships is that couples tend to put their best foot forward, concealing the troubled aspects of their character from their partners. 

Granted you and this lady went to the same secondary school, but certain things may not be the same about her like you remember them to be. 

It would be so disappointing if after waiting, you both discover that the two of you cannot be an item. Therefore, there is the need for both of you to keep the line of communication very open, not promising each other anything but very good foundation of friendship to see how things go before contemplating something serious. 

Besides, you are just quitting a relationship. going into a new one almost immediately will not only call to question your real reason for the action you took but would deny you of the essential opportunity of healing from the disappointment of the previous one. 

For now, it is in your best interest to take stock of the mistakes you made both obvious and otherwise in your previous relationship. You may think the fault is entirely hers, but if you care to look deeper, you too would have unwittingly contributed to it. I say this so you don’t keep repeating the same mistake in your successive relationships. 

By taking your time to study her, you insure the future properly for whatever you are to make out of this relationship. This is not to say she cannot go and visit your family as your friend, but until you both meet to discuss the important things about yourselves, the past and the now of your persons, continue with her as a friend. Any discussion that has to do with one’s choice of a partner has to be treated with all the seriousness than you are giving this issue. Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong image only to discover too late that a major mistake has been made. If both of you are meant to be, no matter how long it takes, you will end up as an item and if not, no matter how much you desire it, crave for her, it will never happen. So learn to depend more on God than your own wisdom.

Good luck. 

My Wife Says She Loves Me Not

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your efforts at restoring troubled homes and relationships, may God reward you abundantly.

I am married with two children. But my problem is my wife who has repeatedly told me she doesn’t love me. She doesn’t like accompanying me out insisting that my aim is simply to show her off. For five years now, she has never asked me about my parents, we only travelled to my home town last year since we married 2004.

She doesn’t have any respect for me and has the attitude of disobeying my orders. I have tried several times to find out what the problem is, but she has no reasonable answer to give me. We fight almost every time because of her nagging and disrespect. We are not from the same state, she sees me as being inferior to her.

I am planning right now to end this relationship by August this year when our last daughter will be a year old. I am an author and entrepreneur but this situation in my house has derailed me so much that I have lost almost everything.
I have given this situation a serious thought and know that this relationship is not leading to anywhere considering my purpose on earth. We don’t discuss issues together as couple and clearly lack any fixed plans for the future. I do all my planning alone even though I have a wife at home. 

Please I need your urgent assistance because I don’t like taking action alone without consulting people. She has packed her things out of my house severally threatening to leave my house.  

I have discovered several text messages from other men to her phone and mail box. Whenever I ask her who these men are, she claims they are on line friends but one of them sent money to her. I read the message on her phone.
What do you have to tell me please?
Collins.

Dear Collins, 

At what point did your living together as a couple suffer this setback? Have you always known she doesn’t love you? If yes, why did you marry her? Were you to give a fair assessment of this marriage, would you say the fault is entirely hers? And what makes her think you are only interested in showing her off? At what point did she begin to show rudeness to you? Do you realise that the problem isn’t with the marriage but with yourselves?

Like I often say, marriage is about the dynamism of the people involved. The outcome of a marriage has to do with the reason the couple went into it and what they hope to achieve. It is also a matter of what they can each tolerate as well as the practicability of the situation they find themselves in. 

I won’t tell you to quit because I don’t know how strong your feelings for her is and what your limits are but the truth is that for this marriage to continue, you both must sit down to discuss your massive differences. 

At the end of the day, reality would determine what you must do to salvage your happiness and pride first as an individual and secondly as a husband and father to your children. You can only be a good father and husband if you are happy as a person. This is the important thing to look at in this situation. 

A marriage is better than the paper that makes it legal if the two parties are contented with the choices they make of each other and willing to give the marriage the selfless sacrifice to make it work against all odds. 

When a marriage gets to this crossroads, the wisest thing is for the one who feels cheated, is aching from all the pressures of the other person’s indifference to sit back and think deeper. In your heart of hearts, what do you see of the two of you in future? 

This is the time for you to be brutally frank with yourself. Of what essence is this marriage to you? How has the woman affected you positively? What would you miss most about her if she leaves you? Do you think you will have any reason to regret whatever decision you will be making now?

At every point in time in one’s life, there is always a need for some critical decisions to be taken if one is to move forward. For marriage, it has to be continually evaluated to make it relevant to the couple in it. 

If a woman doesn’t hide the fact that she has fallen out of love from her husband, then it means there is a huge problem in the marriage. If she is getting text messages from different men as well as money, what is wrong is so fundamental it would take a genuine determination on both your parts to make things right again.

It is obvious trust, faith, love have all been mortgaged for other not good feelings in the marriage. By being truthful both of you stand the chance of redeeming that feelings that brought you both together; not just for your sakes both in the interest of the children you have brought into the world. 

No matter the reasons you give to justify your actions or she gives; the fact remains that other innocent lives are involved in this. These children are for now the most important; whose interest must be considered at all times; whose welfare must be paramount in whatever decision you take at the end of the day. 

They must not suffer your lack of ability to make things work for both of you or from the wrong decisions you took years back. Every effort must be taken by both you and your wife to ensure these children don’t become victims of the situation between the two of you. 

For this reason, you both must set aside your differences and talk not for yourselves but for those children who are too young to understand why their parents are not like others. 

To achieve this, you must pray for wisdom and strength from the one who is best equipped to provide you with the clear directions. Whatever, God tells you do.

Good luck. 

My Wife Lacks Respect, I Want A Second One

Dear Agatha, 

I want to use this opportunity to thank you for your time and advice; God will bless you.

I have been married for seven years with three daughters. I love my wife very much and believe in one family.

My wife told me to bring her young sister to Europe to live with us so that she can assist us in taking care of our children. Then my wife was expecting her twins. Against expectations, she didn’t help as expected when she came to Europe. She started dating my friend secretly, when it came to my notice I was really upset.

I registered my displeasure at the whole development to my wife, who said I don’t have the right to stop her sister from dating my friend. 

Although they are both married now; I didn’t like the public support given them by my wife. My wife and I had a big quarrel over the issue but for the sake of the marriage, as well as my children, I decided to let the matter rest. 

But the situation seems to degenerate everyday as my wife now puts the interest of her extended family before our children and myself. She puts the interest of her mother, brothers and sisters as top priority. I have severally tried to make her understand that the children and I are supposed to occupy premium place in her rating but she doesn’t seem to understand or appreciate my point at all. 

Because of the way she is carrying on, I doubt her ability to care for me and the children when I am old. I am 37 while she is 30 years of age. 

The problem I am facing now is my wife doesn’t respect me or treats me as the man in the marriage. It has been like that since we got married, I thought she will change but she seems to be getting worse, always wanting things her own way or that of her family’s. Members of her family actually want to be in control of everything. We dated for one year before we got married.

I have no father, having lost him when I was seven years of age. My mother is very old and has kept out of our marriage, insisting that patience is what I need to stay married to my wife. 

There is no point concealing anything from you. I went into an affair but ended it when my wife got to know and threatened to take the children away from me. Frankly, if I knew then what I now know about my wife, I wouldn’t have married her. 

It isn’t as if I am not doing well here. I have invested wisely in business and property both here in Europe and Nigeria. My twins are seven years of age while my last child is three years old.  

Agatha, I am scared of what will happen to me when I turn old. Although I don’t like the idea of polygamy, I am thinking of getting married to another woman. Please advise me.

Paul.

Dear Paul, 

What do you understand by the whole concept of marriage? Marriage is both a partnership and a way of life. It doesn’t do well when there is a sole administrator at the top or when there is recalcitrant deputy. The magic is the ability of both partners to merge their differences, tolerate what cannot be changed.

This is because marriage is a bouquet of happiness, disappointments, sacrifices, selflessness, tolerance, determination, patience, wisdom and plenty of faith to make it work. 

There is no marriage without its brand of challenges and offers of frustrations. You come with your own peculiar kinds of attitudes, as well as priorities just like she comes with hers. Both of you are coming with diverse histories which at some point must give way in the interest of the immediate family. 

Because you weren’t part of her initial life or she yours, time has to be invested to get to this point of harmonisation. To insist it comes instantly is to distort the natural order of things. 

Chances are your wife grew up in a family where they all take interest in the other person’s welfare; make an individual challenge the corporate business of the family. In this kind of family set up, it is always difficult for any member to go solo without getting support whether he or she likes it or not from other members of the family. Though you think it is a vice, interference in your family life, she thinks it is the right thing. This is her person, the complete product of the culture of the family you married into. What you see is part of the total quality that makes her so special to you. Even if you knew her for less the one year you both dated before you got married, somewhere along the line, she must have manifested this trait. The thing is that you just didn’t bother because you thought you could cope.

Rather than fight her or use it as an excuse to destroy your marriage, you must find a way of communicating your need of her, as well as your discomfort at the volume of interest in your family coming from her end.

Your mother is right, you need to be patient with her. Dating another woman will not resolve the problem you have in your marriage. Extramarital affairs have never been known to settle any marital problem instead, they only complicate the issues. What if the new woman turns out to have more vices than your current wife? End it and move on to another woman? The question is will you ever find a perfect person? Since you aren’t perfect it follows that no one can be. 

Like you, she too may not understand why you don’t want her to associate with her family members. If your friend and her sister did marry, your objections in the first place were misplaced. That ought to have told you that your objections and stance on her attitude may not be too right. That you also have to consider your real reason you don’t want her family members around. 

Sincerely, there is no way you can entirely keep her family out of your lives. You should be happy her sister got married to your friend, because through your efforts, two people are happy. It would have been a different matter if your friend and the sister didn’t end up marrying. Had you premised your objection on the consequences of your friend breaking her heart, it would have been a different matter. Sometimes the line between selfishness and concern is too thin for the other person to discern. Asking her to keep her family away from your marriage, could make you appear as selfish. It is imperative you clearly make your wife understand the reason for your attitude. 

On the issue of your wife not treating you like the head of the home, it is something both of you have to sit down and discuss without raising your voices. Let her know that irrespective of whatever success she has achieved or the kind of support she is getting from her family, she remains your wife and as the head of the home, she has to respect you. But for this to work, you must show respect for her feelings, as well as an understanding for her position. Most times when a woman is unable to express herself to her man, can’t seem to understand why he appears set in his ways, frustration could make her become rude without meaning to. If being close to her family is the major point of disagreement in this marriage, you have no problem at all except you are unwilling as a man to give this marriage what it takes to work. 

By going out of your way to befriend her family members, getting to know them would make living with this woman bearable for you. By the time you do this, getting her to listen to your need for prime position in her life would be easy because by then she would know that you are not trying to alienate her from the people she has known all her life but trying to create special moments for you, her, as well as the children. You have to give something first, to get her to listen to you. This is what leadership is all about. Respect works best when it is reciprocal and gotten naturally not forced.

God made both of you to compliment the other so go back to him for wisdom to lead your home well.

Good luck. 

She Denies Double Dating But…

Dear Agatha,
The problem I am about to share with you started last year when I went for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in Northern part of Nigeria.  While there I met a lady I fell in love with. We actually agreed to get married. 

Sometime last year, she left for Lagos where she actually lives. Almost immediately, I began to hear uncomplimentary stories about her. There were rumours that she keeps the company of a particular man and that they are always seen close to the house. 

Initially, I doubted the stories thinking they are malicious and intended to break us. 

But my initial confidence in her began to wane when she began to make some inexplicable visits to places I don’t know. 

For instance, in December last year, she travelled on the 23rd and didn’t return until January 3, 2010. When I asked where she went, she told me she went to visit her mother’s brother in Yola. 

Another time, she left for a nearby village. She came back with a very glamorous hairstyle decorated with very expensive beads. When I asked how she got the money for such expensive hairstyle, she said she did some jobs while there. 

In the same January, I saw her with the same man I have been told she is having affair with through the window of my room discussing. She came back when she noticed I have come back home. Since I wasn’t sure of what it was they were discussing or the nature of his visit, I pretended as if I didn’t see anything and went out again of the house. 

I went to stay in a place that gave me a good view of the house. Almost immediately I left she went back to the house behind my window where I earlier viewed both of them discussing. I waited for five hours before she came out of the house. Five minutes after the man left the place also.

When I asked where she has been throughout the time she was out, she told me she went somewhere with her brother. At that point, I had no option but to confront her with what I saw. Almost instantly, her story changed that she actually went into the house I saw her go into but that nothing happened between her and the man. She said she only went in there to discuss with the man and denied having anything sexual to do with the man. 

Agatha, she has kept denying having an affair with this man and each time she says it, there are tears in her eyes. Do you think she is innocent? Can I still trust her? I don’t want to make mistake, please advise me.
Maxwell.  

Dear Maxwell, 

You are the one close to her, what do you think? Do you think she actually spent five hours with a man in a closed room just discussing without sleeping with him? What was so important about the nature of their discussion that couldn’t have been discussed in your house with you in attendance or in the open where other people can witness what they are doing?

For them to have discussed for five hours underscored the seriousness of the issue at stake, shouldn’t she have first consulted, gotten your consent on the issue before going to see him in a closed room?

Who is this man to her? Why did she lie at first that she went out with her brother? What efforts has she made to introduce you to the man? Why is the man constantly around her? Why do people think they are actually having an affair? These are questions begging for answers from her. This is not a matter of you not wanting to make a mistake, but rather of you facing the reality of the messy situation you found yourself. 

Trust isn’t an abstract thing. It grows from circumstances we daily go through. If this woman claims to be innocent of what the rumours going on about her and this man; as well as what you witnessed, then she has to do a lot more than tears in her eyes to clear up the maze of confusion, suspicions and embarrassments her conduct with this man have created in your life. 

Deep down, what do you think? If you want to be very honest with yourself, do you think she is telling you the truth or simply playing you for a fool? 

Yes, a man and woman can have healthy platonic relationship but not one that leaves so many gaps like hers with this man. Why would a woman you are in a relationship with leave the house without telling you where she is going? Go on vacations without you knowing where precisely or come back to announce she went to work? When she was leaving for the visit, did she tell you it would include her working? What sort of job did she do while there and why did she do it?

The point is that you are not in charge of the woman you are in a relationship with. You are either afraid to face the truth about the kind of situation you are in or don’t even know what you have gotten yourself into. Even if she isn’t having an affair with this man she has created the suspicions she must work first at clearing before you can even talk of not wanting to make a mistake. 

It is either you are man enough to ask her pressing questions, what precisely is her occupation as well as her feelings for you. A woman that shows no scruple leaving her home for five hours to ‘discuss’ with another man in a private room shows a total lack of respect for your person. If you were the one dancing around a woman, goes off without her knowing where your destination is, how would she feel? 

While you have every right to love her and try to make the relationship work, be mindful of the kind of future you have in mind with her. You may think it is a situation you can cope with but it is always a different game when it comes to marriage. 

Frankly, sit her down for a thorough discussion. Ask her how she feels about the reputation she is acquiring for herself through her kind of lifestyle. Chances are that there are so many things she isn’t telling you about her feelings for you and that what you think you both have going on only exists in the figment of your imagination. 

Also what do you know about this woman? Are you sure you know enough about her to make you a good wife?

Marriage isn’t a simple thing. It is too complex and complicated for you to treat with such levity. 

Don’t short-change yourself if you have the power to bargain for something more positive for yourself now. Sometimes it takes more than love to make a marriage work. Love needs good character, respect and responsibility to make it work well. You don’t hold on too tightly to something out of fear it will go. If this woman isn’t yours, no matter how much you try to look the other way, she will definitely go. So stop worrying over a situation you cannot control that is firmly in the hands of God the creator who sees the end from the beginning. 

Good luck. 

Re:What Makes Moral Bankrupts Better Wives?

Dear Agatha,
Before going straight to the point I want to thank you for sharing what you have with anyone willing to learn. Apart from your obvious high level of education, you are clearly gifted in counselling. May God reward you for your selfless service?
I read your column of June 24, 2010; your response to the 33-year old lady who kept her virginity till she was 30, and was jilted by a man whom she said claimed to be born-again. 

Two questions arose in my mind. The first is: how can a girl who is so chaste and disciplined, a girl that kept her virginity for 30 years indulge in sex before marriage? I think that is where the problem came from. If the man that deflowered her was married to her, he would have been more patient with her inexperience.
The second question I have is: is it possible for you to give me her e-mail address or mobile no? You can seek her consent first. I want to be friends with her. She seems decent to me, decent ladies are not easy to come by these days. I know you are not into matchmaking, I will consider this a favour. I am 35, single male from Delta State.
Thank you once again and God bless you.
Sunny.

Dear Agatha, 

I read your responses to most questions and they make real sense to me, but I think your response to this particular writing would or should have been a little more intense to the writer.
A lady who should have been married with two kids or more just started dating at 30, and even after friends have spoken to her: then dated a born-again brother who thinks she’s not good enough in bed for him!
Please allow me say this: God isn’t punishing her but she has just not gotten the right man because she is comparing her friends to herself, meanwhile understand that God’s way is never the ways of man. Forget about him saying she wasn’t good on bed, that’s not real. Let me tell you, I’m a man and any man that loves a woman enough to marry her would go out of his way to teach her how to make love. Only a man who isn’t interested in the woman would after sleeping with her make such a flimsy excuse. 
When a man complains that sex led him out of a relationship, it simply means his partner no longer attracts his interest, and that mostly comes from other reasons.
Please, she shouldn’t be misled, the guy did the right thing by making his mind known, but the lady should look closely into herself, let go of some of those hard-lined ideas of hers and learn to appreciate any man that comes her way. She should be bold enough to make her choice and ignore whatever her friends think. This is because what God has in mind for her might be something bigger on the longer run. If she refuses the goal of the small beginning she might end up missing the overall benefit. She should understand there is always a reason for every situation we find ourselves.
She must appreciate that sex in marriage differs from causal sex. Unlike permanent sex, causal sex doesn’t leave any impression making it so easy to forget. In a faithful marriage you must learn to be satisfied with what your partner has to offer. You must first be interested in the person so that your spirit could be interested in his, that’s the only way you could have long lasting happy sex in marriage. Let her check her attitude against those men who come her way.

Dear Agatha
I am a Nigerian male, a Christian, and currently resident in the UK. I log onto the Nigeriaword.com, website daily to read Nigerian news in an attempt to be fairly up-to-date with the goings-on in my country.
 Consequently, I have found myself reading most of the ‘Dear Agatha’ letters and your often well-thought-out replies to the problems of those who seek your advice. Your replies are always very intelligently structured, very sincere, dispassionate and meaningful so much so that I created a special folder on my pc for all the ‘Dear Agatha’ letters and their corresponding advice published in the Nigeriaworld.com daily news website.
I am not kidding you. You are a brilliant and wise lady. One can only thank God for endowing you with such intelligence and wisdom.
 After reading your reply to the letter published June 24, 2010, I was stirred by the brilliance of your response to send you this e-mail just to say you are indeed a very great mind and a very great lady too.
I am a great fan of yours.
God will bless you.

Kenny

 

Dear Agatha,

I have neither written to you nor responded to your column in a long while even when I felt compelled to. This was largely due to an inexplicable systems error when it comes to sending inputs or responses to your paper that I have now resorted to my alternative - office mail address - to maintain contact.

 Agatha, you are one person that I believe is being used by God to assist people who ordinarily will not share such issues of life with their Pastors, be it male or female for fear of sanctions and all that. Your advice, most times, are down to earth and complete and at other times, you leave some things out. A case in point is this lady that lost her virginity at the age of 30 to a “staunch believer like herself,” but got abandoned still for another who she classifies as “morally bankrupt.” She, somewhere along the line, decided to rely on herself to get “a good husband” thereby leaving out the person that knows the very end from the beginning!

The lady missed something: God’s instruction concerning marriage! If she was married to that man before he discovered that she is a virgin, she would have been married already and it would have been the issue of her having to work on her ability to satisfy a man in bed and not that of him marrying another woman immediately! At this point also, the man would have had to be patient and equally actively involved in that process!

 Like you rightly pointed out. It is true that a cross-section of our “staunch believing” sisters lack basic manners, so bad that apart from being brothers and sisters you would not want to have anything permanent to do with them, even as a believer! Some, out of lack of knowledge, just being crude and rejecting all refining ideas and all, so much that even in marriage they become a bore in bed (sex) and other aspects of married life. I’m not suggesting going against the word of God in these, but “she who wants to be loved should endeavour to herself lovable, first!” These are some of the things that work against them a lot.

Remain blessed.

Essien. 

Dear Gbemi, 

So many people have requested to have your contact address. If you are interested please resend your e-mail and phone number(s) so I can give them or publish as you may wish to have.

Agatha.

Can I Blame My Wife For Our Childlessness?

Dear Agatha,
My wife and I have been married for two years now still looking up to God for a child. We have tried all options medically and we have been certified fit and compatible by different doctors yet we have not been able to conceive.
Recently I noticed that when we have sexual intercourse my semen drips out immediately. My wife admitted that it has been happening for a long time and that she couldn’t explain to our doctor.
I want to know if this is the reason my wife have not been able to conceive and if this is a problem we should look into. I will appreciate your professional advice.
Ben.

Dear Ben, 

If the sperms fail to get to the target, there is no way conception can be possible. Your sperms have to get to her ovaries for fertilisation to occur. Since various doctors and medical tests say there is nothing wrong with both of you medically, this could be a possible reason. Of course, in addition to stress and other inexplicable reasons, she hasn’t been able to take in. 

The wise thing is for her to tell her doctor. There is no hiding the truth from the doctor. It is the only way she can get help and the problem resolved. If she is medically fit but the sperms are coming out immediately after you ejaculate, the doctors would continue to insist on what the tests say unless directed by her to another possible reasons. 

Although a doctor friend of mine I discussed the issue with says she should elevate her bottom with a pillow each time you make love. There is the urgent need for both of you to see the doctor as soon as possible. 

Good luck. 

His Pay Can’t Run Decent Home

Dear Agatha,
May God continue to bless you as you solve people’s problem.  I thank God for the wisdom He gave to you.  Keep it up.
I have these problems worrying my life.  Since I got married, I have been the one bearing the financial burden of the family.  Before I married my husband, I asked him all the necessary questions about his finances as well as his social life.  He gave me the necessary assurances about his ability to take care of a family. Satisfied, I accepted him for who he is.
I married him thinking that by the time both of us combined our financial resources together, we would be able to move ahead. Unfortunately, things aren’t turning out as envisaged.
Immediately after the wedding ceremony, he started complaining of not having money. To be frank, I was a little bit disappointed with what I saw when I moved into his house, but I took it all in my stride trusting God that things would become better. But it is so disappointing that as I write things haven’t moved beyond the point I met him.
I advised him to change his job since it is not fetching him any money but he wouldn’t listen until recently he decided to do so.
There are so many important as well as essential things to be done but there is no money to do them. The little I am earning will not solve half of the problem.  I am so worried and I do not know what to do to uplift my family financially. I am a graduate while he is not. I am working in a one-man business. Please I need your sincere advice on how to solve this problem.
Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife,
For how long have you been married and how much faith do you have in your man as well as the marriage?
Life isn’t always the way we envisage. Many a time, we come across challenges meant to align us with the real plans of God for us. A marriage has to have history and character to excel. Whatever it is you are going through is meant to give you and this man the right kind of foundation to give peculiarity to your union.
Everything in life has a stage and to get to the next stage one requires a focus fuelled by determination to achieve. You cannot have everything in one day. If this man had everything in life, he won’t need so much in his life making it difficult for you to stamp your personality into his life.
You are meant to start on this scale with him to give him hope in himself and the union. Your presence isn’t by accident, but by the divine design of God to help both of you come to that special area God planned for your lives while living together.
As his woman, you are to encourage him, not nag him or remind him of his limitations. Everybody is entitled to his or her day in court; therefore this man is entitled to you hearing him out; his reason for the seemingly inactive life you think he lives.
You knew he isn’t a graduate before marrying him so that shouldn’t come to play now. You married him of your own accord and with the belief that it would work. That he isn’t a graduate or doesn’t have money now isn’t the same thing that he would never have. There are many families today where the woman is the one providing the most financial support. Such families are still happy and well put together because the woman despite her privilege position knows her limitations as well.
If you want this marriage to work, bury those disappointments you feel at the quality of life he is able to give you now and begin to make plans on how you can help. Accept the fact that it is what he can afford for now and limit your plans to what you have at hand and not what you wish to have.
Bear in mind that you are at the river of reality; where dreams are put on hold and the actuality given the freedom to exist. From what you have now, what changes can you bring about in your home? Look around you, what tangible thing can you improve on in your home? To help you, look for that object you feel most uncomfortable with and make plans to change it. If it is the only thing you do this year, it will at least give you some measure of happiness as well as the comfort to stay in your home.
Nobody gives happiness; it is something you have to get by yourself through the help of God.
Determination is what you need most in this marriage to make the difference. This is what would fuel you to pray and overlook the immediate to look into the future. If you believe in your marriage, it would be easier for your husband to succeed. All he needs is your support, which would also be an encouragement to you.
Good luck.