Re: My Husband Is Callous, Inconsiderate

Dear Elizabeth,

I believe you do not need a soothsayer to tell you what to do in this situation. The writing is clear on the wall, the man you married does not love you anymore, everything you say or do, annoys and irritates him. This might be as a result of diminishing love for you. You might have to give him space and time, get you and your children out of that house. He needs time alone to take a good look at his marriage and the woman he once loved; he needs space to feel your impact on his life. If you’ve been the good wife that you claim to be, you can be sure he’ll come begging for forgiveness.

In as much as there might be questions as to how you got married, it is irrelevant to know since the marriage contract has been signed already. It seems one of you isn’t up to it and the other party is suffering for it. You need to give each other space and time, so that you can rekindle or reignite the feelings that made you pledge your love for each other. I believe it’s still there, a lot of it on your path. As for you husband, I believe something is covering/restricting it, the active presence of his mother in your marriage life is also not helping matters.

You could also try being more of the woman he dated: young, suave, stylish, dress good, look good and feel good with yourself, this will remind him of the days when things were going so well and give him a rethink. From a man’s point of view, we always fall for a woman who knows how to take care of herself, hold her own and hold her up high. He’s probably bored seeing you in that wrapper and looking un-kempt everyday. Get yourself a makeover, a nice hairdo, some new outfit etc.  At the same time, step up your efforts in taking care of the house as you claim to, all men will fall for a beautiful woman who takes good care of the house. Chances are that he might also be going through mid-life crisis. He will need your support to get through that.

Finally, I’d advise you to take your problems to God and pray fervently about it. There is nothing our God cannot do. I really hope that your marriage gets the desired peace and love that you crave. Nobody wants a broken home.

Mic.

Dear Agatha, 

I am writing in response to the advice you provided to the distressed lady. The case you addressed last week.

 I am not particularly happy with the advice given for the following reasons.

This lady is being verbally abused which in most cases is worse than physical abuse. It strips the lady of self-confidence FAST! As she stated in her story, he makes her feel worthless by denying any responsibility for the problems in her marriage.

He wishes her dead as he asked her why she survived her last pregnancy.

His mother treats her like dirt with the husband’s approval and in front of her children! How can you then advise someone in this condition to keep receiving this wickedness? Is it fair? Her children are watching and are learning that this is how marriages are meant to be and this is how the cycle of domestic violence continues even to the children.

This woman needs help! She needs to get away from the situation and the husbands need to get help and counselling. As she said, they knew she didn’t speak the local dialect when he married her. Why should that now be her fault? Please realise that the advice you give is read by a number of people who may be in the same circumstance. This trend of African women accepting domestic violence needs to end! Enough is Enough!

 Ibianbo Ogan.