Hard To Choose Among Crowd Of Men At My Skirt

Dear Agatha,

I think I have not really been able to understand myself, as well as everything happening around me since I became a teenager and adult.

When I was in my third year at the age of 20 I started praying for my husband, hoping that by the time I graduate, I will immediately get married. It didn’t, even after my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) and still hasn’t happened. It isn’t as if I don’t get suitors, as a matter fact the problem has always been that of choice.

There is no time, as I have, at least, three men queuing for my attention. All of them were putting pressure on me to accept their offer at the same time. Naturally, I get confused in the process until they all eventually vacated the scene.

I will cry out my head again only for about four men to appear at the same time, making the same request. I again begin the process of thinking of the best among them, and before you know, they will all go again.

Sincerely, I don’t think there is any woman on earth who has the problem of choice like I do.

Agatha, the truth remains I have not really seen what I want in any of these men. The ones that have the outward qualities end up lacking the inner qualities and vice-visa. I don’t know what to do. I have clouded my mind with too many thoughts that I don’t know when God is speaking to me or not.

Please, do you know anything I can do to solve this issue? I am getting depressed. At the moment there are four of them again and I don’t want to miss it again. This is my fourth year after graduation. I have ruled one out the first one because he lacks what I want which is a passion for Christ. The second is that of passion, not educated though he expresses the desire to. And I am not sure of the commitment to Christ of the fourth man. He is educated while his look is a bit okay but far older than me.

Please let God use you to help me. I must not miss it this time. My mind is so noise-filled, I can’t hear God speak, but I know you can. Please, help me before it is too late.

Nnenna.

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Dear Nnenna,

I am not sure you are serious about getting married at all, because you seem to have set impossible standards for yourself, which from all indications, an angel would even find difficult to meet.

Before you begin to look for the logs in other peoples’ eyes, let begin from you. How perfect are you? Do you have all impossible things you expect the man who is to grace your life to possess?

If you are indeed right with Christ, you won’t be so confused as to cause yourself this emotional injury. A true born of Christ knows that God is more concerned about what is inside than the outside. How on earth can you find out about a man’s inner beauty without getting close to the person? How can you condemn a man based on his looks and you claim to be Christ like?

If Christ were concerned about what you and I look like, we would never have the chance of redemption. What gives you the impression that you are God’s perfect gift to men? That you have them coming is due to the grace and mercy of God and not on account of you having anything other women don’t have. The secret of life especially for a woman is to make hay while the sun shines to prevent expiration on the shelf.

Unless you want to go through life frustrated, lonely and very confused, you better begin to focus on the important things in life and not those transient things that fade with time.

To help yourself, come down from your high horse and re-evaluate your ideals. Separate what is ideal and achievable, and those simply impossible. To do that is to get it clear that no man is perfect except God. We all come with factory defects and the trick about life is learning to accept that our personal defects make us the original. There are no two people who are alike. That is why even twins don’t have the same fingerprints. The defects you so condemn are what give the men their individualities.

A smart girl would look out for those defects she can best cope with in the man she wants to marry. For instance, what is the man’s level of tolerance, temperament, honesty, attitude towards life and women generally? These are things you get to know by being close to someone. You have to give yourself and a man an opportunity to interact before you can say whether or not he is serious or not. Before making up your mind about anyone, give you and the person a chance of interaction, exchange ideas as well as discuss things inside out.

To have the right answer to your prayers, make the attempt to bury whatever prejudices you may initially have against the person, because if you don’t, you risk seeing only what you want to see and not what you should see. So, you really have to pray for the patience and maturity to handle yourself when these men come.

The men are leaving you because they see a vain and inconsistent person. No man wants to live with a woman who is self-centered. So even if you eventually settle for one, he may not want you, given what he may have seen in your attitude.

In addition, there is also the need for you to ask your pastor to pray for you, because your attitude could be spiritually influenced to ensure you don’t get married at all. Very soon, the high traffic of men interested in you would begin to thin out and eventually scarce enough to make you so desperate to end up with a man you may never be happy with. Your state of confusion may be a camouflage for the real challenge in your life, which only the spirit of God can reveal.

To know the real values to look out for, first pray for the discerning presence of the Holy Spirit, whom you must give full control of your heart to before sitting down to pen down what you really want and not what you think you want in your ideal man. In your interest, look at these men’s inner attributes and not what they look like.

If you allow yourself to be teachable, God will lead you to your happiness.

Good luck.

I’m 17, She’s 20: Can We Sustain Our Love Deal?

Dear Agatha,

You are doing a great job. Keep it up. I am a boy of 17, who finished secondary education last year. I am waiting for admission into the university. I am in love with a girl who is 20. She loves me too and we have been in a relationship for about four months. We have limits in our relationship and we understand ourselves. My parents don’t know about it, although her mother and her sisters were in the know.

Being in a relationship at this stage, is it good, although we promised no kisses and sex? What can I do to make our relationship great and stand the test of time?

Confused Teenager.

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Dear Confused Teenager,

You are 17 while she is 20. Can both of you withstand this imbalance in your ages? After a while can you endure the talks by friends, the jokes about you dating an older girl?

Your age is the age of careless freedom, to say and do things first without the adult restraint of thinking before acting.

While you think you can cope with it now, you will soon find out that the challenges of your age would be the major obstacle both of you would have to face as you progress in this relationship.

Both your sets of friends would do everything to ensure you both go your different ways. Just like your friends would mock you, her friends will never allow her the freedom and space to explore this relationship, because you are three years younger than her. And girls particularly at your ages are expected to date older boys, not younger ones.

Her friends would see your intrusion into their circle as not only insulting, but ridiculous especially as she has the choice of dating dashing and eligible men at her age.

This is one challenge both of you have to address as urgently as possible. Again, do you especially have the understanding of what you are letting yourself into? At 17, dating an older girl shouldn’t be as much priority as you passing your examinations in flying colours and getting admission into a higher school.

At your age, your concern for now is how to unlock the advantages and bright opportunities the future holds. While it is true, she may have told her mother and sister about you, it still doesn’t mean lack of challenges for both of you.

At 20, she is not only physically more matured than you, but also emotionally more alert as well. Very soon, she would begin to want different things from you. She would want to settle down and begin a family of her own, whereas you still have very far to go. For one, you haven’t gotten admission into a university yet, and when you do, you still have to finish your education, go for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) before thinking of getting a job. You will also need time to prepare before you are ready to settle.

The best you two can be is to remain good friends. Be good to your promises of no kisses or sex. This way, when the time for both of you to say goodbye and move on with other people, it won’t be with regrets. As friends you owe it to each other to be loyal, honest, supportive, selfless, patience, caring and understanding. A loyal friend is worth more than all the gold put together. Be happy to be the friend she needs when life storms come raging.

Good luck.

I Lost My Virginity To Married Man

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the help you have been rendering to many souls.

Please, there is this problem I am facing now, and it is really weighing me down.

I went into a relationship when I was 18 years of age in my final year in secondary school. Although I promised myself that I will not indulge in any sexual relationship until I finished my secondary education. Along the line I went into another relationship with a man of 24 years.

It was very unfortunate, because I lost my virginity to him. He really cared a lot for me, but a married man. I honestly didn’t know about this when we started. Since then, I refused calling him or picking his calls for that matter. This has created a deep wound in my heart, losing my pride as a woman to a married man. The experience has made me very weary about relationships. Since then, none of my relationships has lasted beyond five months, because I am always on the look out for faults due to fear of preventing what happened to me the last time.

When I confronted him about his marital status and why he didn’t tell me, he said he didn’t want to hurt me, and that he didn’t know I was a virgin until he we made love. Please, I sincerely need your advice on what to do about this situation.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

Pick up the pieces of your life and move on. There is no point wasting too much time on a situation you cannot redeem. Your virginity is gone you have slept with him. These are irredeemable facts, ones you cannot delete from your history again. It is a pity, but a fact of life, one that many women have had to deal with one time or the other.

Just accept the fact that you gambled, and lost it. Chances are if you don’t get a firm control of yourself now, you end up being so miserable as you would be unable to trust any man again in your bid to prevent what happened to you before.

Trust me, holding on to the memory isn’t the best way to heal yourself of the wound. Yes, keep the lesson, but allow the memories of it all to die else you would end up doing extreme things in the process of getting your own back.

Though he chanced on your innocence, experienced women and men have also fallen for such deceptions; so don’t go about blaming yourself needlessly. The man has since moved on with his life, so do the sensible thing of moving on with yours too.

From this experience, you now know having sex with a man should be the last thing for any woman, not the first thing especially young girls who lack the experience to discern when a man is real or fake.

You are lucky the damage didn’t go beyond that, what would have happened had you gotten pregnant or contacted a disease from him? These are possibilities that could have happened to you, which could have cost you your future.

Since there is no teacher like experience, you now know what to avoid and what to investigate in a man before going into a relationship with him. It is important you don’t lose the lesson of this experience, because that is where your own happiness lies. From now, concentrate on friendship with a man, not on having sex. Once you are friends with a man, who really cares about your mind and welfare, and not just your body, you will recover from the pains of the past.

In life, it helps a great deal to take responsibility for your actions. By hurting these new men, you are refusing to admit to your own mistake, putting all the blame on the man alone. Granted, he lied to you, but you could have refused to give him your body, which makes you also liable in the whole process that led to you losing your virginity. Truth is that you wanted the sex as much as he did, so the decision to give him your pride as a woman was one you decided on principally. Even if he weren’t married, it still wouldn’t have been right for you to have given your body to him without first putting the important structures into your relationship.

Like I said earlier you would be the one to suffer the most if you continue to pursue your current fault finding mission in any relationship you go. You either end up very frustrated, lonely and unhappy or break the bounds of caution all of which would end up affecting you negatively in the end.

Don’t give up your happiness on the basis of one mistake you made when you were weak. Life is about falling and rising again.

That you lost your virginity does not stop you from being responsible. There are several ways for you to earn that title for yourself. The most important is learning to be an effective gatekeeper of your body by being firm and principled.

If you give time the opportunity, you will overcome this moment and be happy again. Give God the chance to make it happen by going to him in prayers and pleading for forgiveness as well as help to make your dreams for yourself come true.

Good luck.

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He Can’t Match His Words With Action

Dear Agatha,

There is this man who regards me as his special friend while I see him as an ordinary friend. He lives in the Eastern part of the country while I reside in Lagos.

However, since he declared his intentions to marry me, I made up my mind to give both of us a chance. This is because he has some attributes I like, but am discovering that he seems to have a side I don’t like. For instance, he finds it very difficult to keep to his words, despite warning him not to make promises he won’t honour.

We reached an agreement to alternate visits every other month; he will come this month, next month I will be the one to visit.

Recently, I went to Owerri for a project he was aware, he insisted I should make every thing possible to see him in Aba where he stays. I would have done that, but the schedule was too tight, I had to be back to Lagos the following morning unfailingly. I explained why I couldn’t make it to him.

Do you know this guy refused to call me on my way back, not to talk of asking me if I arrived Lagos safely throughout the weekend? I had to call him Sunday evening, and he said he tried my number but was not available. I didn’t believe him because my people kept in touch. Since then he hasn’t bothered to call me, only for me to call him one morning around 5.30 a.m. and female voice, which wasn’t that of his sister to inform me he went to take his bath.

Agatha, can you imagine the pains? What do you think I should do?

Concerned Girl.

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Dear Concerned Girl,

Yes, I can identify with your pains and disappointment on the other end of the phone. It simply shows that he doesn’t have the kind of interest you expect him to have in you.

Although, you were wrong not to have made the extra effort to see him, still it doesn’t excuse his behaviour. Having explained the tight schedule you had to operate on your visit, he should have let go of whatever disappointment over your inability to visit him and focus on building a relationship given the fact that you live hundreds of miles apart.

However, the real issue here is the failure of both of you to reconcile your differences before going into a relationship. Until the moment he proposed marriage to you, you never thought of him as your boyfriend. He was just your friend while you thought he loved you.

Before you started out on this relationship, both of you should have sat down to honestly discuss your feelings as well as the nature of your relationship. Before marriage happens, there must be a level of understanding as well as knowledge of each other’s character.

What do you know about him to have warranted your decision to spend the rest of your life with him? Didn’t it bother you at all that your feelings for him may not be enough to weather the storm that naturally comes with relationship and marriage?

Were you very much in love with him, wouldn’t you have made the extra effort to go and see him no matter how tight your schedule on that day was? Be honest, wouldn’t you? At this point, it is important you are very truthful to yourself since it is the only way to achieve results in a troubled relationship.

To appreciate his feelings, even though it doesn’t excuse his attitude, try putting yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he came to town and didn’t bother to see you? If you reason his attitude from this point of view, you will appreciate his anger especially if he is aware you never really liked him. He may come to the wrong conclusion that you didn’t bother to come because you never really cared about him.
Just as it would be wrong for you to assume he is lying about trying to get you. Knowing the erratic telephone network services we have in the country, there indeed could be a possibility of him trying to reach you without success.

From all indications, there is lack of trust in your relationship.

You should have gone beyond calling him to making the effort to see him at his base. It might have changed the way things between both of you as well as given you first hand insight into his type of lifestyle. Having agreed to marry him, you should have shown more interest in his lifestyle to avoid ending up with a complete stranger by your side after the wedding night.

Having found out about his duplicity, what do you intend to do? Is your love for him the kind that can overcome this betrayal? Can you find it in your heart to forgive him? These are issues you have to deal with personally.

Since talking to the girl on phone, have you tried contacting him again, to let him know you are aware of the girl in his house? This is important to neutralise whatever his reasons were for not bothering to call you.

Even if it takes a bit of your pride, call him irrespective of whether or not your mind is made up about leaving him. His response to you would determine what other steps to take.

The danger of not trying to salvage a problematic relationship is the tears of regret we shed later when time has done its work of healing. Many things you think are important now would in later years look so unimportant, you would wonder at the foolishness of this moment.

It is because of days like that you should give this your best shot, at least, for the sake of posterity. But do allow him go, if after doing all these, he still shows signs of being unserious.

Good luck.

Before Her Brags Set Me Against Our Family

Dear Agatha,

I am the first of a family of five children, four girls and a boy.

I came to live with my maternal aunty immediately after my secondary school education in 2000 with the hope of looking for a trade or employment to assist my family.

Against the wishes of my aunty and cousins I left to be on my own after six years of staying with them.

But I wanted to have a place of my own so I could bring my family to stay with me. Despite my sacrifices, I am confronted with a sister who seems to hate my guts and who has no respect for my person at all. She has simply refused to accept the fact that she isn’t like other girls and some of her friends who come from privileged homes. Here I am sweating it out daily, trying to make ends meet; sometimes going to the extent of borrowing money each time she comes around to demand for money or something else. It was mini hell for me while she was in school. Simply because she wanted to live big, she made all sorts of huge demands of me. It was tough for me but I endured it all.

I did all these without a boyfriend or assistance from anybody. While I was sponsoring their education, I also sent myself for computer training to enhance my employment opportunities.

Since she came to stay with me, she has become pain in the neck for me. Although I have a new job that pays slightly better than my former job. I have to relocate to another place nearer my office because of the money I spend on transportation from my former place. The accommodation is a little expensive, but better than what I spend on transportation from our former place.

This sister of mine who has now gotten a job and runs a small call centre, earns more than I do but has refused to help financially in the house. I still shoulder the house rent on my own, primarily to avoid problems with her. But due to irregular salaries at my place of work, I told her we share the cost of feeding, a move our parents are in support of.

Since then she has become more than a thorn in my flesh. The fact that she earns more than I do has made her so insolent and unbearable to live with. She has problems with us all in the house. Recently, she tore a N200 note due to disagreement with her immediate elder sister.

Recently too I asked everybody in the house to bag all Sunday clothes to make room on the hanger and to make the place neater. Even mine were bagged. Everybody, but her adhered to my instructions and when I challenged her, she didn’t stop at questioning my rights but also hurled abuses at me. I was so angry I slapped her and to my shock she also slapped me. She has also taken to singing provocative songs. I am no longer happy with her. Rather than allow this hatred to grow, I am contemplating asking her to leave my house because not even my parents help me with any of the bills.

She has refused to contribute money for feeding and yet doesn’t have any qualms eating from the food I prepare with my money, despite the fact that she earns more than my immediate younger sister and me.

Agatha, I can’t continue with all these insults. I insist she leaves my house or I leave it for her and my two younger ones, because I know how many times I have called severally to ask why she behaves the way she does.

My parents have also tried to intervene severally, reminding her of my sacrifices to the family. Each time she blames the devil for her behaviour and always promise to change, she never does. The house rent will expire in November and I am seriously thinking of leaving the accommodation to begin a new life. I don’t want to die before my time or continually be accused of being jealous of anybody’s fortune. I also don’t intend to be killed by anybody. I am actually scared of her these days. Besides, I am also thinking of going further on my study on part-time basis. Agatha, would throwing her things out of my house solve the problem? I am trying so hard to prevent people from noticing what is happening because it’s too shameful.

I am tired of her and can’t continue like this. Please help me.

Ngoo.

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Dear Ngoo,

Sibling rivalry is as old as the Bible days when Cain killed Abel out of envy. Almost every family has someone like your sister. Eventually some of them come to realise their mistake and change, while others never do. It is all part of life, part of your history as a family as well as your own memoirs as an individual.

Rather than get upset and bothered about her attitude, concentrate on learning the lessons God wants you to learn from her. This is what counts at the end of the day. She may be your sibling but God wants to use her to prepare you for life’s challenges. Remember He knows you more than you do yourself as well as what He wants to accomplish with your life.

While it will be easier for you to quit the house, you can’t quit the relationship between the two of you. She remains part of you, your blood and early life history. These are vital issues you cannot divorce yourself from. Were she your mother-in-law who has come to live with you permanently, would you consider quitting your home for her? No, rather, you would stay and make it work.

Having elected to help your family, don’t allow the ingratitude of one person makes you change. You will end up hurting others who are on your side.

Of what use would your sacrifices be if you leave them now? What makes you think leaving the house would solve the problem of her contributing to the upkeep of the family? What she doesn’t have, she cannot give. She simply wasn’t built to care for people the way you were designed to by God, so ignore her.

You also have to look at your own attitude too. Sometimes when we find ourselves at the head of a family at a very tender age, we tend to lord it over everybody. Are you sure you are not making your importance in the family suffocating? The others may be too timid to protest your lordship over everybody including your parents. She may just be acting out the buried resentment of the others. Do a thorough critique of yourself to avoid being alone at the end of the day.

The truth is if you leave, your siblings will eventually migrate to your new place, when they are thrown outside by the landlord due to unpaid rents. What makes you think your sister would change overnight to pick bills she has never been ready to pay?

The best that can be done is to ask her to give her the option of leaving if she feels too big to conform to your rules. In giving her this option, make her realise that you are fed up of her insults and insolence. That for her to continue to live with you she has to learn to submit to your authority or quit the house amicably before you are forced to send her packing.

She has gotten away with her behaviour because you are rather afraid to enforce discipline. It isn’t by fighting that you get things done. There are various ways to beat someone who is out of line back into it.

Being the first of them all, you have to set certain ground rules in your home. Running away to take resident in another place will only make you a coward. Would you run away from your matrimonial home if she were your sister-in-law? Learn from now to fight for respect and autonomy of your space.

Taking your stance doesn’t mean you hate her but a signal to her and all the others who may want to take a cue from her that no society or place can function without respect for rules and regulations.

Importantly, ensure your parents are involved in all the process to avoid a division in the family.

Also, being the eldest, it is your lot to ensure unity. Hence, learn to pray for all your siblings especially this sister of yours to avoid entrenching a foundational problem that may last forever.

Good luck.

Help, I’m Inactive In Bed

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column in the ‘Daily Independent.’ I must commend you for your incisive answers to readers’ questions. I am in my late 20s and just married. Once I am with my wife on bed, my manhood shrinks after a few minutes of erection even without having sex. Why is it so? Secondly, I find it difficult going for second round of sex.

I am understandably worried about this. Please what do you think can be responsible for this and what can I do? Kindly assist me as this is threatening my marriage, because I am afraid that my wife will seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Adeyemo.

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Dear Adeyemo,

Did you engage in sexual activities before you got married? If yes, have you always been like this? Did you ever suffer any injury whether as a young child or an adult? Were you ever a victim of emotional sexual abuse from a woman who mocked your performance? What are your growing views on sex? Did you grow up in a home where sex was taught as dirty, something a couple does when they plan to have a baby only and that couples who engaged in it any other time were hell bound? Or is your wife your first experience of sex in life?

These are some of the reasons you could be having problems.

The best place to begin is to go and see your doctor to eliminate any medical reason. Once that is done and you are certified medically fit, look at other possibilities that might be responsible.

However, the important thing is to change your overall orientation to the issue of lovemaking. There is world of difference between having sex and making love.

To get the best deal, involve your wife from the beginning by discussing the problem you are having with her. Though it is obvious, don’t assume she should know, get her to have an opinion as well as make a contributions on how both of you can get round the problem. The mistake most men make is to assume that their sexual problem is theirs alone. This is why most women seek solutions elsewhere.

Being married has made the problem a joint one. Hear her out as well as her suggestions. Both of you could agree on heavy dose of romance; you will be surprised at the power and influence of touch in the final result. No man can know how to please a woman more than herself. She knows how she wants to be made love to, asking her would help you know how and this in turn will stop her from going out as well as help you recover beautifully well from whatever may be the cause of your limitations.

Allow her take the lead does wonders too because it means she is free to invent as well as invest herself in the act leaving you to enjoy the experience.

This is one thing you must never do alone. You need her to help you overcome, so bury your male pride and suspicions and ask for her help. Remember, in marriage, both of you are free of the burden of guilt at indulging in an act God Himself designed to help make marriage worth all the risks.

Good luck.

Can Mere Casual Contact Make Genuine Marriage?

Dear Agatha,

I love your column in ‘Daily Independent.’ I am a lady of 26 years of age. My life is in total dilemma over a relationship I am having right now. I met this guy on January 4, this year on board of a vehicle while I was coming back for Christmas holiday. He is 35 years old. We chatted and exchange phone numbers before I alighted at Ibadan. I found out he is a student of the University of Ibadan. We began to converse on the phone. One day, he called me on phone to inform me of his intentions to marry me. I didn’t give him a straightforward answer because I am in an existing relationship though he hasn’t mentioned the issue of marriage.

My suspicion is that before coming to further his study at his age, he must be married.

I don’t want to be second wife to someone I hardly know. When I confronted him with the possibilities of him having a wife, he denied.

I gave him a surprised visit at his dormitory with the hope of getting or finding out things about him but I didn’t see anything. My effort to know more about him is hampered by the fact that he resides and spends his holidays in the middle belt area of the country where he hails from.

I don’t know any of his relatives. Though we come from the same state but we speak different languages. He wanted to come and see my parents and was demanding money from me to travel down from his base. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know whether he is serious or not.

Please help me out.

Victorious.

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Dear Victorious,

Marriage is a journey of a lifetime hence should be given all the seriousness it deserves. What do you know about him to consider spending the rest of your life with him?

What is wrong with your current relationship to make you even consider this stranger whose marital status or true identity you know nothing of?

While true sudden love happens, in this instance, you are both far from the target. When contemplating marriage, it is always advisable for the couple to apply caution to avoid ending up with the wrong partner.

At 26, you still have time, so avoid being pressured into marrying in a haste, else you might live to regret the decision. He is the one running the race against time, not you. So, resist the attempt to stampede you into a situation you are least prepared for.

At any rate, being in an existing relationship means you are not free to enter into any form of relationship with this man. You can only be free and just to your current boyfriend if you terminate your bond with him. Don’t do what you cannot tolerate to him.

This other guy hasn’t done anything to you except loving you, and if you must leave him ensure it is done sensibly and responsibility. That you are contemplating a relationship with this man despite your doubts about his marital status shows that whatever you feel for your current boyfriend isn’t strong enough to withstand the test of time.

Therefore, be bold enough to tell him the truth about your changing feelings for him. It will save you a lot of confusion and time you would have spent going from one man to the other. Besides, with what you are feeling for this second man, there is no way you can give your current boyfriend the quality of happiness he deserves because if the feelings for him were right, there is no way you would have ever contemplating anything with this other man. If you have never been honest in your life, this is the time for you to in the interest of your happiness later in life.

It will also free you to investigate your new man as well as devote enough time to study him. At this stage when marriage seems so important on your agenda, you need to take certain steps that will get you closer to your goal.

However, be sure that like you too this man if he doesn’t have a wife will have a commitment to another woman. So if he is contemplating marrying you, ensure he too takes the step towards realising it by asking him pointed question about his relationships. He says he has no wife, ask him about his girlfriend. And if he says he doesn’t have any woman in his life, ask him why he is, at his age, without commitment to anyone.

Whether for a man or woman, 35-year isn’t a spring age. To have a clean slate to begin anything on, it is imperative you both sit to discuss every detail of the past. This will help you make up your mind about him and the areas of your joint strengths as well as weaknesses.

Before agreeing to his proposal, do yourself a lot of good by going down to his village to, on your own, investigate him. Fortunately, you are from the same state so won’t find it difficult to trace his hometown.

Gather all the information you can about him. Get someone to accompany you to his place to find out about his marital status, his history before going into it. Don’t take chance with your life to avoid regrets and pains.

Again you have to know something about his temperament, his attitude as well as ambition in life. Marriage flourishes on these ingredients. Without a right temperament, there is no way both of you would be able to discuss and integrate the necessary structures into your union. For this reason you must know why he is still single at his age. If his single status has to do with his temper and attitude towards women, ask him how he plans to accommodate your opinion as well as contributions into his lifestyle.

Again you must know something about his thoughts about women. A good home is one where the man respects the woman and treats her with care. This is what makes a home different from a house.

If he is sensible, he too should be interested in knowing more about the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with.

This is why visiting your parents should not be put first item on the agenda. Your parents aren’t the ones who are going to live with him, you are, and without both of you having the right attitudes towards each other, this relationship won’t work.

The bit about giving him money to visit your parents is a bit worrisome. And is the more reason you should intensify effort at investigating him. You must ascertain his motive for wanting you in his life as well as know where he is coming from.

Too many questions are begging for answers hence your need to be extremely careful.

Also commit the entire process into the hands of God, who knows and sees everything.

Good luck.

Thorough Tutorial On Interracial Marriage, Internet Dating

Dear Agatha,

You are indeed a rare gem in the tackling of affairs, relationships and my sincere prayer to you is that your hands would continue to be lifted up higher.

My question is this, what are the practical ways of making interracial marriages work as well as manage internet relationship? I would also be glad if you tell me the dangers of internet relationship.

Confused Man.

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Dear Confused Man,

One of the major challenges facing interracial marriages is that of harmonisation of broad cultural and social differences. Man is a complex entity whose environment further makes multifaceted.

For an interracial relationship or marriage to work, a couple must first address the issue of their different environmental upbringings to avoid strangulating the relationship mid way.

This is because no matter what we profess, we are essentially the product of our environment, which means certain behavioural pattern are so entrenched they become irrevocable in our attitudes towards life.

For instance, a culture that supports tremendous respect for elders will find it almost impossible to tolerate the liberalness of a society where children can boldly address elders by their first names. The couple involved in such a union will first of all have to abridge the rigidity of their cultures to have a common ground for the relationship to survive.

Such an arrangement needs more than the average understanding, support and tolerance to be able withstand external influences and sharp opinions from family members, who may not understand the need for the compromises and sacrifices their child is making for love.

The man especially, must be very understanding, resolute about what he wants from life to be able to make a success of his relationship.

This is on account of the pressures his own family would put him through, the names he would be called and estrangement he may suffer as a result of his foreign wife and new ways.

While a woman may be able to adjust after a while, the inbuilt male ego makes it very difficult for the man to make such major adjustment to his character and person. Even, if he desires to make the adjustment, his male ego more often than not, makes it impossible for him to bend backwards, especially when surrounded by friends and family.

As the man, be sure you know what you are going into as well as the sacrifices you have to make to help the woman in your life survive the challenges of taking on a new culture outside her own. Also be prepared to be a patient teacher, tolerant husband, a loving father as well as good friend to the woman who is living familiarity for unfamiliarity.

To do this well, the man should undertake a study of the culture of the people he wants to marry into. Knowledge gives a good insight into things which power alone doesn’t.

The man may have the power but a good knowledge of his wife’s culture and environmental influences would give him a better insight into how to manage his home.

Above all, the man should learn to be fair-minded at all times. When the woman behaves out of line, he would have the fairness of mind to know it wasn’t intended to insult his position or his people.

In all these, what counts is honesty. If a couple is honest and willing to put the interest of the other person before own, no matter what part of the world or cultures they are coming from it will work.

The same principle applies to internet relationship. Men and women who favour it should from day one have the determination to tell the truth always irrespective of what is involved. Once trust is secured, other things would fall into place.

Lie is the danger to every relationship.

Good luck.

Besides Sex What Can I Do To Win Her Heart?

Dear Agatha,

I wish to express my indebtedness to you for your kind counsel to humanity. Almighty God will endow you with more wisdom.

I am a young man in my 20s and have been in relationships with women and most time, it seems we are not really making any headway.

I have this particular friend of mine whom I love and cherish so much that I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. We have been friends for so long now, but one thing baffles me she doesn’t seem committed or open minded towards our relationship though she has always claimed to be in love with me, and also a nice friend. This has continued to be a source of concern to me.

When I told my friends about it they said there must be a level of intimacy in a relationship. Usually a physical intimacy between a dating couple for the relationship to attract the type of exchange of confidence I desire.

They are of the view that the lack of intimacy with my girlfriends is the reason they don’t confide in me. They further argued that until I learn to have physical intimacy, I could never get into the heart of the woman I cherish. Now my questions are: must one really engage in physical intimacy with a lady before she can really open up or show commitment?

Secondly, what effect does physical intimacy have on morality?

Finally, what other ways can a man get into the heart of the woman he is in love with?

Worried Guy.

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Dear Worried Guy,

Your friends are wrong. A couple doesn’t have to be physically intimate to be able to talk and share information about each other. It is an act that comes from trust and acceptance of the other person, as your own extension.

This comes from a deep realisation that a relationship has many facets, all which need constant attention and synchronisation to make it whole.

If all your previous dates have problems talking to you, then you have a problem of taking the women in your life out of their shells. Whether you make love to them every single day and hour won’t change the fact that you lack the ability to attract their trust sufficiently to confide in you.

Therefore, begin the task of having conversational intimacy by looking at your own faults. What are the issues that interest you in life? What are your interests in these women? What sort of friend are you to yourself? There is no way you can be a friend to anybody if you haven’t learnt the act of being your own friend. Intimacy with anybody comes from the type of relationship one has been able to cultivate with self. For instance, if one has the habit of lying to him or herself, there is no way, that person will be able to tell the truth to anybody.

A person who has trouble accepting the person God created for him or her, to be able to ever accept the defect in another person or the uniqueness the other person has will be a tough task.

Developing intimacy with another person is an effort that comes from accepting yourself as your own friend.

Therefore, first learn to be at peace with yourself, accepting things you can do as well as acknowledging your own limitations. This way, you will be able to recognise the needs of those close to you, their apprehension as well as the hesitation to let go.

These are challenges sex doesn’t mean love. Rather, it complicates in the sense that issues that need verbal solutions are taken to the bedroom and at the end of the day are left unresolved. This in turn piles up the bin of unattended issues, which at the end of the day destroys the future of the relationship. At this stage, not even sex can cover up the decay in the relationship, whereas a friendship that is able to talk out their differences will survive tougher challenges because it has the trust to attract loyalty. By the time sex is introduced, it simply becomes the icing on the cake.

And if your friends were right, how come sexually active relationships, including marriages are all crumbling like packs of cards? The simple answer to that is friendship and not sex is the cement that holds any relationship together.

Therefore strive to become a very good friend to your partner to be able to attract confidence and loyalty. It is always easy to confide in one’s friend than one’s lover.

Offer your woman friendship to earn her trust. Once you do that, it would be easy to get her to talk to you about herself because that way she is assured of your support, which drives away the fear of condemnation.

Many a time, dating couples are afraid to talk about themselves or their past for fear of rejection. You agree the human nature likes to project self in the best possible way especially to strangers and only opens up to those considered to be friends.

You will fare better with your date if she sees you as her friend.

There is no way your morality would not be affected if you take to building your relationship on sex. Once you begin it, it becomes very easy to jump from one girl to another and very soon a habit which will conflict with whatever moral or religious inclination you may have built over the years.

And because sex doesn’t insure against disappointment in a relationship, you end up experimenting with so many women and at the end of the day confuse yourself about the right choice of a woman.

So be careful whom you listen to. God is the only one who can direct you in the best way. To be sure, look at the success of your friends in their relationships? How many of them despite being sexually active are able to boast of stable and consistent relationship?

Good luck.

Love Her But She’ll Not Date Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 and fell in love with a girl of 17 years of age. When I made my feelings known to her, she told me while she appreciated my good looks, she can’t date me.

When I asked if she has a boyfriend, she said she didn’t. Curious, I demanded to know why she didn’t want to date me. And she said she just doesn’t want me for a boyfriend.

Because I love her so much, I can’t let go and have been trying to impress her to make her change her mind but all to no avail.

I am confused because I need her badly. Please what do I do to win her love?

Desperate Boyfriend.

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Dear Desperate Boyfriend,

Allow her be. You can’t force her to have feelings she doesn’t have for you. You will only end up getting hurt in the end.

It is unfortunate you have fallen so hard for her but she appears to be a very honest young woman.

Even if she capitulates to your pressures there is no way you would ever get the best out of her since her feelings for you aren’t deep rooted.

A relationship that has such an imbalanced tray of feelings always end up in pains for the one that has the most love to give because the expected companionship that comes from being with a loved one will never be possible. In addition to the relationship suffering from quality companionship, it will be bereft of respect, tolerance, understanding and eventually strangulate whatever it is that brought them together. An imbalanced relationship is a foray into emotional pains, aches and disappointments.

Eventually she will leave when she meets the person she really loves so why insist on a relationship you will never be happy in?

Go away for a while to enable you forget this lady so that you can move on with your life.

Good luck.

What If She Turns Down My Request?

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for helping people to solve their problems. Please I am 25 years of age, a final year student in one of the state universities.

Agatha, I don't have a girlfriend not because I don't want to, but have not seen anyone I really love.

I am the president of our association in school, and there is this lady, a member of the association whom I have interest in but don't know how to go about it.

Agatha, is it wise to woo my member? What if she refused? Will she use it against me? What about my integrity? Do you think I would still have her respect at the end of the day especially if she refuses?

Worried Presdo!

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Dear Worried Presdo,

Unless you are planning on intimidating her, using your influential position as president of your association to get her to submit to your advances. That is the only time your questions would become relevant.

But if your interest in her is instigated by genuine feelings and done with respect, even if she doesn’t share your sentiments, it won’t affect your official relationship.

Most times, women become rude and abusive to men as a result of tactics employed by these men to pass on their love messages. Men who are cultured and responsible in their approaches don’t get insulted. Women are not like cars a man likes and instantly gets it as long as he has the money. Granted, love and relationship are becoming barter, a game of the highest bidder, but there are a lot of women who still want to be treated like ladies and given all the respect due to them.

Despite being your member, don’t make the mistake of telling her you have fallen in love with her. It takes a whole process to fall in love. You like her for whom she is and what you see. Just limit yourself to telling her what you like about her. Being friends with her first would give you the added advantage of getting to know her as well as earning her trust.

By the time you earn her trust, all the worries about you two ending up as enemies and she losing respect for you would not arise, because by that time you both would have nurtured the required understanding to scale whatever hurdles which your desire for her presents to you both.

Besides it would help both of you manage your relationship without it affecting the execution of your duties as president of the association. The consequence of her rejection isn’t as challenging as managing the relationship should she agree.

Being in a position of authority, you owe it to yourself especially to keep sentiments away from managing the association. That is being able to discipline her when she flouts any official procedure like every other member. Indeed, this is what you should worry about, because indiscipline can easily set in if your involvement with her isn’t handled with maturity by both of you. There are members who would use the obvious fact to blackmail you, whether your decision is right or not.

This one aspect of the relationship you must critically consider before going into it. Do you think you have the capacity to keep under wrap your emotional feelings without it affecting your official duties? Do you see her as the serious type, the kind of woman who knows her place when there are people around, who wouldn’t flaunt her advantages indiscriminately to the chagrin of other members who may not be able to tolerate the situation?

Your position as president demands you have by your side a woman who is able, when the occasion demands for it, to divorce her private relationship from her official relationship with you. It is absolutely important you are able to address this problem first before making your interest in her known. You must marshal how you intend to keep your integrity intact because mixing official business with pleasure if not done with maturity could destroy everything you have worked hard to build.

This is why you must make sure your feelings are strong and real.

Good luck.

My Firm Refuses To Accord Me Honour Of Promotion

Dear Agatha,

I have been working hard and diligently in my company for three years now but my efforts are not being recognised, promotion wise. Though I am a graduate, but placed as a junior staff. I have tried to resolve this with the management, but they don’t seem to care. What do I do?

Worried Worker.

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Dear Worried Worker,

Nobody forced you into accepting the letter of employment that spelt out your position or emoluments at the end of each month. By agreeing to work under the conditions stipulated by your employers as conveyed through your letter of employment, you have forfeited the right to complain bitterly. What you can do now is to plead with reason and appeal to the management.

But, if you feel you are not being fairly treated by your management, begin to think of transferring your services to another company more disposed to giving you what you think you deserve.

There is no law that says you should stay put with your present employers. Doing so would only make you unhappy and result in low productivity.

Therefore, it is either you make up your mind to continue to tolerate the situation while you look for somewhere else or allow the situation get the better of you and get sacked in the process.

Many a time we have to do with what we have, and by learning to appreciate the grace of God in what we are doing, we end up being happier. Most employers aren’t ready to part with money due to prohibitive cost of production, so would resist any attempt by an employer to press for enhanced salary package.

You are not the only one in this position, believe me, there is nothing much you can do about it, because the high inflation rate in the country makes it an employers market.

Until something else comes up, concentrate on contributing your quota to the development of the company. Sometimes, it isn’t the salary we receive that makes the difference in our lives rather it is the grace of God upon what we do that counts.

Despite the challenges you are facing, learn to give your best. Often time, this works more than agitating for a better position or an improvement in one’s status. Employers too are smart enough to know when to invest on hardworking personnel in order not to lose that person’s services.

Make yourself almost indispensable to your employers by giving them your very best at all times.

Promotion comes only from God and the day He decides to do the miracle in your life, nobody, not even the owner or head of your outfit, will be able to prevent it from happening. That is the awesomeness of God, but until then give Him reason to bless you by giving your best to your employers.

Good luck.

Can’t Guys Let My Virginity Be Till Wedding Night?

Dear Agatha,

I must thank you for solving people’s problems. More grease to your elbow. I hope you would help me out as well. I am about 20 years in love but I can’t stay in a relationship for too long.

This is not because I don’t like the guys I go out with, but they all want sex before marriage, something I am not prepared to handle for now. At my age, I don’t think I can handle being pregnant and the attendant problems of fending and caring for a child. I have had to break up with so many guys because of sex, but still they won't let me be. I've never slept with a man before. Interestingly none of them want me for myself. They all want to have sex with me. It got to a frustrating point, I thought of the internet option since the man I’ll go out with on the internet would not see me until the point we decide to marry.

Agatha. I don't know how to meet a man who would want to start a relationship with me without demanding for sex, someone who would wait till our wedding night, right now I feel guys are birds of a feather.

Flora.

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Dear Flora.

Not all men are like the ones you have met so far. There are a lot of men who are still purist in nature. These men belief marital vows should not be pre-empted in anyway. With more churches, health and social organisations preaching abstinence among youths and dating couples, a lot of men are beginning to accept the wisdom of developing a relationship with a woman without pressuring her for sex.

It is just that you have been meeting and dating the wrong guys. To avoid all these unnecessary pressures, it’s best you spell out your stance on premarital sex before agreeing to a relationship. From the very first day you meet a man who likes you, best to make it clear from the beginning that you are not into premarital sex. Don’t keep quiet over the matter to give him the chance to either stay or go.

When a woman keeps quiet about it from the onset, it is only natural for the man to assume the woman has no objection to premarital sex. But if from the onset a man knows what he is getting into, that the woman is not interested in having premarital sex until married, he has a choice from the beginning of commencing with the relationship or finding another woman who has no inhibitions to premarital sex.

To go on the internet to source for a dating partner is a defeatist attitude. As a woman, the responsibility of dictating the moral quality of the relationship is yours. For how long are you going to hide behind the anonymity of the internet? It is a challenge you have to meet squarely. It is the first step towards being responsible and your own person. If the men cannot cope with the standards you have set for yourself, let them go. Somewhere in this world there is a man specifically meant for you who would appreciate you all the more for preserving yourself for him. Don’t succumb to pressure from the men who are merely passing through your life to have sex with them. The man that loves you would gladly wait till your wedding night to have sex with you.

With prayers and absolute reliance on God, that special man would come soon. For now concentrate on etching a prestigious place for yourself in life.

Good luck.

I Need Divorce To Reunite With My First Love

Dear Agatha,

I have a big problem that has to do with my home.

I got married seven years ago and blessed with a son. Before I got married, I was dating my childhood friend. We courted for over seven years, but had a disagreement that led to our separation. Initially I thought it was an issue we could settle but we just couldn’t. It had to do with another girlfriend of his whose existence I discovered when I came back from school. Before I realised what was happening and my mistake, she was pregnant for him. Since there was nothing I could do about the situation, I allowed them be.

They got married even before me. I later married another guy because I really did not have any other choice.

And because I still loved my former boyfriend, I found it difficult to open my heart to my real husband. I often find myself thinking a lot about my former boyfriend so much so I find myself imagining being with him anytime I am with my husband. Fortunately, I have learnt to cope even though it is very difficult.

However, something happened two years ago, which shattered the fragile wall I have strived to build around my marriage. It was a simple matter of discussing with him on the phone and since then I have not been myself. I find myself always thinking of him, unable to tolerate the situation any more. I was forced to call him to tell him about my plight and how my feelings for him have refused to go. He said we should meet at one of the cafes in town to discuss. When I got there, we discussed, and he suggested we continue the relationship. He even promised to marry me. He said he still loved me. I told him to give me time to think about it.

My problem now is that, I am truly in love with this guy. My heart has refused to accept anyone else. Even right now, I don’t even have any feelings for my husband again. No emotional feelings. And this problem is affecting me at home generally. Please I will be very grateful if you can advise me on what to do because I really love him like when we started 18 years ago. Right now, I can’t think of anything else except his thoughts.

He said the only obstacle to his marrying me is my husband since I am still living with him. How do we do it? I told my husband since last year of my decision to quit the marriage when I discovered that we weren’t compatible. My conscience is, however, disturbing me at the turn of things.

Please help me.

Basirat.

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Dear Basirat.

What on earth are you doing to yourself? First, you married a man out of a rebound. Now you want to go back to the same man that did not only ditch you for another girl but also married her without caring for your feelings or the relationship you both had.

You brought this predicament onto yourself. Simply because your ex ditched you, you didn’t bother to heal, think properly before plunging into another relationship and marrying the man. You acted unfairly and unwisely. Unfairly, because you knew you didn’t love this man yet you led him into marriage to get back at your ex who got married to his pregnant girlfriend. Marriage is not an institution one goes into with the type of motive you had when you married your husband. In your selfishness, have you thought of the pains you are subjecting the man and your son to? Do you think he deserves the type of treatment you are giving him and the shock of leaving him for another man?

Have you also thought of the consequences of your action on that poor child?

Besides, what makes you so certain this man, also married, is willing to leave his wife for you? What gives you the impression that he is going to be faithful to you? A man, who exhibited no qualms walking away from you the first time, and is giving the impression that he cares no hoot leaving his marriage for you, is definitely not one any sensible woman would leave the security of her home for. Like tap, this man is capable of switching on and off his feelings without consideration for your feelings at all when you might have given up everything up for him.

You are unhappy because you refused to give this marriage a chance from the beginning. Going by your disposition to this man and your marriage, there is nothing this man would ever do that would be right in your eyes. Not only have you made up your mind to be unhappy with him but have decided from the very beginning to set yourself up for failure with any other man besides your first love.

In his shoes, how would you feel if he were the one treating you with so much indifference and difficulties?

You may not know it yet, but a time would come when you would have wished you didn’t treat this man with so much disdain and indifference.

Even if you want to leave him, ensure it is not for these reasons you are touting. Let the reasons be something you can defend any day. To leave your home for the arms of a man who is also married and who didn’t think anything of hurting you when you had no complications in your life is wrong.

Though the final choice is yours to make, allow the spirit of God to guide you properly, else you end with more regrets than you can cope with.

Good luck.

He Loves, But Two Others Bother Me

Dear Agatha,

I will be 26 in December and into my first relationship. It is about a year and six months old. He is 37 years old. He claims to love me and from his way of attitude I think he does. I equally love him too.

After the first time we had sex, I refused him the privilege because I never considered sleeping with a man before marriage but it happened without my planning for it.

Whenever we are together, he talks about us getting married one day. Besides, he shows interest in my family matters even though he tries not to make this obvious.

But he has no money. I vowed never to double date any man. Despite my avowed decision, I am beginning to consider two other men that have indicated interest in me. I don’t know how serious they are and have informed my boyfriend of my intention to end our relationship to give me the opportunity of studying these two men with a view of knowing who among them is most suitable for me.

To my surprise, he simply took what I said out of content. He blames my decision on his financial status, saying he won’t stop me from going because he lacks money now to get married.

But he still kept coming, prompting me to ask days later why he still bothers to come. I made him understand that his coming to my house gives the impression that we are still together.

Agatha, to be frank, I still love this guy, but don’t know how serious he is to avoid heartbreak from any man. I don’t ever want to experience it.

My question now is, do I leave him to give these new men a chance in my life? I am the same lady who wrote to you concerning her body odour. He is the same guy who has stood by me.

Joy.

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Dear Joy,

Nothing is wrong with this man but a lot seems to be wrong with you. From all that you have said, you don’t even know what love is let alone to share it with someone.

Until you make up your mind about what you want, you will continue to suffer inconsistencies in your life. You must have the confidence in your own person to be able to move forward in life.

To look for alternatives for this man, you must be convinced he is the right man for you. He must have done something wrong for you to come to the conclusion. The issue now is what has he done to make you terminate the relationship without considering everything you both shared in the last 18 months or the sacrifices he has made for you? If he has money would you still consider him inadequate for you? Is one of your reasons for looking outside him not because of his lack of money?

What assurances do you have, for that matter, that either of these men just coming into your life would make you happy? Would they be able to tolerate things about you that this boyfriend of yours has done? How long do you plan to date each of these men before you get the information you want from them? How do you propose to space out your time between these men or keep the other one interested while you sample the other?

And if the relationships don’t work out, how do you plan to re-engineer the interest of your former boyfriend?

There is nothing any of these men can do for you. The major task of your challenge lies on your shoulders. You must learn to be very honest with yourself instead of fishing for excuses where none exists. The truth is that you think these other men are more financially stable than your current boyfriend hence the attraction to them, to see which of them has more financial muscles to help you. You may indeed have feelings for this man but lack the patience and perseverance to stay with him to help him get to where you wished the man in your life should be.

Your major challenge is lack of truth. It will continue to be a problem until you have the boldness to confront yourself and stop the pretensions of having a principled stance when you really don’t. Be the person you are meant to be and stop playing God in your own life.

Furthermore, have a dream because that is the only way you can have a vision of who and what you are. You must have a vision of where you want to be at a particular time as well as the type of persons that will help you achieve it.

Having dated this man for 18 months, where do you place him in your vision of you? Do you think he has what you want in a man?

This has nothing to do with money like you seem to think.

You will only be happy if you learn how to do things right.

Lean more on God for His help.

Good luck.

Pressure On Me To Ascertain If We’re Sexually Compatible

Dear Agatha.

I just want to start by thanking you for the great work you have been doing in people’s lives. In fact God will bless you in millionfold.

Agatha. I am a 35-year-old man, planning marriage but I am very scared about what people are saying about the institution as well as the experiences of others.

I know the Bible forbids sex out of wedlock so the place the problem comes in now is that friends keep telling me to have sex with my partner before marriage because I need to know if we can both get the desired sexual fulfillment being with each other. These friends say if l don’t have sex with her now, how would I be able to ascertain our sexual compatibility.

They spice their argument with vivid examples of women and men who go outside their homes to find sexual fulfillments because they don’t get the satisfaction they expect from their legitimate partners.

Is it also true that some women find it difficult to accommodate certain men in their bodies because of the sheer size of their male organs? Please I really want to be educated. These friends go further to tell me such ladies go outside to find other partners whose organs are normal. They also say the same case of unsuitability would occur if the organ is too small.

It is against this background they are pressuring me to go all the way with my woman before taking her to the altar.

Agatha, I am actually considering doing it because of the reasons they have advanced. I feel convinced by their reasons. Could you please help me on what to do? I am really confused now and I don’t want to have a broken home in future

Jay.

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Dear Jay,

I am very familiar with the various logics your friends have propounded to put you into the web of confusion you are now in.

I equally agree that what is happening in our society and the world over make such a proposition sound like the ideal thing, more so as men and women of God are also engaged in the practice.

First, let’s get one thing out of the way. What do you expect from marriage in particular and the woman in general? Are you looking for a marriage where the only staying force is sex? If that is what you are looking for then you would allow your friends to persuade you to go on sexual experiment with all the women that come your way until you get the one whose sexual prowess would meet the different standards outlined by your friends.

But if you are looking for a wholesome marriage where every bit complements the other perfectly to produce a happy home, you would be careful to listen to what your friends are saying.

Have you stopped to wonder why your friends’ only concern is on the sexual aspect of your relationship? How come they are not talking about friendship, mutual respect, commitment, emotional compatibility, the fear of God, sense of rightness and responsibility, good home keeping and the discipline of the woman to stand by you through thick and thin? Would you rather have a woman who scores an “A +” in sexual prowess but a dismal failure in other areas that make a man and home happy? What those friends either failed to tell you or are ignorant of, is that many marriages are experiencing problems because a lot of attention went into finding the right bedmate to the exclusion of other qualities that make for a perfect marriage.

No matter how perfect a woman is in the bedroom, if she is the disrespectful type, dirty, lacking in proper homemaking, lazy, uncaring and lacks understanding of her husband’s persons and dreams. What would be your joy as the husband? The truth is, sex is not the major reason we marry. There are other contending needs to be met. Those are things no amount or frequency of sex can make up for. Because most people are daily basing their marriages on the wrong reasons is one of the major causes and stories of incidents of infidelity. A lot of men and women are into extramarital affairs to get care, attention, respect and understanding they are not getting from their partners. The marriage institution is more about those other areas we ignore than sex.

Besides, a time comes in the life of every person when sex loses its lure and magnet, when it ceases to be important. Even if you are able to tolerate each other to that point, what happens when that comes, when friendship would be needed to sustain the relationship? That is why marriages that have lasted for more than two decades are breaking up because the couples can no longer communicate efficiently in the only way they know how, the bedroom.

But if your preferences are friendship and other more enduring qualities, no matter what happens, you would always find other reasons to stay happily together.

On the issue of the size of a male organ, again, it depends on how deep your friendship is and need of each other. When you love someone in that unselfish and happy way, God wants a couple to love, finding a way out of a very difficult situation is very easy and fun.

Besides, the woman’s body is structured in such a way that it can fit nicely around the size of her man. The quality of tenderness and case that accompany the act is what makes the major difference. When a couple understands each other and willing to help the other overcome his or her challenges, the session comes out wonderfully well while another couple would end up being dissatisfied due to impatience and lack of understanding.

What it boils down to is care and selfless love laced with plenty of friendship and patience.

At 35, you are more than old enough to know what is most important to you to be influenced by what your friends say. Don’t compromise on what you have always held sacred because some people somewhere think it is a bit old fashioned. If this woman you plan to marry reminds you in her every action and utterance that you are her crown and head, the man she has given her body and soul, please treasure her. Even if she at first does not meet your sexual fantasy, teach and mould her to be your personal sex siren. With love and care, you can make the unexpected happen. The truth is when a woman isn’t living up to expectation in the bedroom, look at the quality of the man’s lovemaking. A man who is good would do anything to help his partner overcome her inhibitions.

When next such friends come, explore your Bible for the right answers and solutions because being familiar with the ways and words of God is the only way to avoid making a regrettable mistake.

Good luck.

My New Wife Maltreats My Daughter

Dear Agatha,

I lost my first wife eight years ago to childbirth and since then I have struggled with the help of my late mother to raise our only child. She actually died precisely a year after our wedding.

It was devastating because she and I dated for close to six years before we finally decided to get married.

The pain of losing her at first made me reject the child until my mother’s death forced me to take the child. At the time my mother died three years ago, I had gotten over the death of my wife considerably and could afford to have my daughter around me. Although she still looked like her mother but the memories were getting more positive and not those dreadful pains of those early dark days.

Since bringing her to stay with me, the task of looking after her has taken so much of my time and frankly I cannot enforce the discipline she needs at this stage of her life to remain the good girl my mother brought her up to be. My only sister, who would have taken her in lives in Australia with her family.

Last year, I had to reconsider my stance on not marrying again. I remarried only to discover that she is a mean woman, who starves my daughter and makes her do all the housework when I am out.

Although my neighbours are all aware of what is going on in my house, nobody including my daughter, told me anything.

I only got to know when I came back from a trip to Ghana unexpectedly to discover my daughter didn’t go to school, hadn’t eaten because she had chores to do. My wife who had gone to work left clothes she was to have taken to the dry cleaners for my daughter to wash including bed-sheets and curtains.

My outrage forced my neighbours and my daughter to open up to me. For the five days I was away, she hadn’t gone to school and my wife warned my daughter it would be the end of her if I ever found out what was happening during my absence.

When she came back and met me at home; she was shocked and began to cry for forgiveness claiming my love for my daughter and the memories of late wife is why she is punishing the girl.

She says she is jealous of my daughter and wants her to fail in her studies.

My fear now is she is capable of hurting the child if I am not around to protect this girl. Although she promised to change, what I witnessed and found out shows she is capable of doing anything.

Beyond her attitude is the realisation that I made a serious mistake marrying her. We don’t have anything in common. I married her under native laws and customs two months after I met her due to all the pressures around me.

What do you suggest I do because I simply cannot continue to live with her again?

Please help me.

Delaja.

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Dear Delaja,

For the time being there may be the need for you to look for a school with good boarding facility for your daughter. There is no way she can grow healthily under the current conditions she finds herself.

Even if your wife sticks to her promise to change, there is the issue of the physiological that has been created by her careless handling of your daughter. She has murdered trust by her wickedness to this innocent mind. It will take almost forever for her to undo the harm she has done to this child. Don’t forget your daughter’s heart is still tender and fragile. Not having you in her early life, not understanding why she doesn’t have a mother like all the other children, just coming to accept that her mother died giving birth to her and will never be available to her, losing the warmth of her grandmother and the only mother she knows are enough daunting challenges for someone so young.

To add a wicked stepmother is more than this young girl can manage. Sending her to a boarding school may not be the best choice but under these circumstances, it is better. She has to be free to discover who she is, free to find the warmth of trusting friends in addition to freedom to be herself.

This is a very delicate stage for her, a stage in which she has to build her self-confidence, begin the process of building her dreams and finding her rhythm in life. She needs the freedom to be happy in an atmosphere that is enveloped in love and tender care.

There are very good boarding houses. It may not satisfy you absolutely at least you and your child will have the peace of mind knowing she is in good hands. This is until you and your wife are able to sort out your personal issues.

Doubtless, her absence will give your wife the much needed room to establish herself in your home without the constant reminder that she is being used to care for another woman’s child or that you don’t love her at all.

While not justifying her attitude, some of them may have been brought about by your own attitude towards her. Since coming into your life, what assurances have you given her that you intend this marriage to work and she is not just a piece of furniture in your life?

Jealousy is a dreadful feeling. It could turn an otherwise good-natured person into something else, especially a woman who craves the attention of her husband but isn’t getting it. It could be very frustrating and discouraging. This is why she may be taking it out on your daughter knowing that it is the only way she could hurt you as much as your indifference to her is hurting her.

It is imperative both of you sit down to discuss. Divorce is usually not the first option but the last and that is when everything else fails. Granted, she has made a mistake but if she says she is sorry, let the matter rest and give her the chance to demonstrate what she has said.

Like I said, jealousy can bring out the beast in even an angel if the person isn’t strong enough to resist it. Use the opportunity provided by the absence of your daughter to properly woo her as a woman. Get to know her and give her the opportunity to know you too. Let her understand beyond looking for a mother figure for your daughter, you also desire a wife, sister, partner and above all your best friend. Begin the courtship you both didn’t have now by taking her to places you would have loved to visit with a woman you are dating. Romance is the cure for jealousy and depression. Once she has the confidence in your love, is secured in your heart, she would have the space to extend part of it to your daughter. For now she doesn’t have love in her own life hence lacks anything to give to your daughter. Something comes from something.

Develop the patience as well as understanding for her to make her mistakes as a human being; one which she has already made and also learn to forgive her.

The danger of not allowing this incident die a natural death is the danger it would present to your daughter later in life especially when she starts having children of her own. It is very easy for her to pass on the poison of hatred to her own children; your daughter being the only one will never be able to enjoy the love and warmth of her father and home like she would have loved to.

Whereas, if you allow this woman forget her mistake, she will find it in her heart someday to embrace your daughter without any trace of jealousy or bitterness.

You can only talk about divorce if she refuses to change and continues to treat your daughter terribly.

Above all, both of you should develop a strong prayer life because a home where God rules doesn’t suffer hatred or jealousies.

Good luck.