Re: Biblical Injunction: How My Wife Is Married Off To Suit Restitution

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I Suspect My Sister-in-law’s Loyalty

Dear Agatha,

I am very depressed and worried about a development in my uncle’s home. I really do not want to end their marriage, but at the same time my conscience is killing me. My uncle loves his wife so much, yet she is not reciprocating it. I have been seeing so many incriminating texts on her phone. I admit I do not have any right or whatsoever to check her phone, but I had to do it because I came back one day and heard her talking to someone on phone, I was sure wasn’t her husband. Afterwards, I checked her phone and saw so many incriminating texts.

Here is a sample of the text from the mysterious man My baby, how is the entire body system with the pains, hope it has gone down? Make sure you cover well. Have you managed to eat? Make sure you eat. Bye, I love you.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

Whatever your reasons are, you don’t have any right to go through your uncle’s wife’s phone. It was wrong, rude and very disrespectful. Besides, it presents you as one out to cause trouble in the house because she can easily claim those messages were sent by you from another number to her phone to present her in a bad light.

She could conveniently use the fact of you going through her phone to buttress her point that you have the agenda of destroying her marriage. If she says this, it would be difficult for you to prove your innocence especially as she would have altered the other person to remove his sim card to make it difficult for it to be traced. So be careful what you tell your uncle else it won’t just be his home that will be affected but the entire family will suffer the consequences of you telling your uncle about his wife’s extramarital affairs.

Besides, she can easily delete the so-called evidences of the text messages you think you have. If she does this, you still end up being labelled one who is out to destroy the home of another woman. But on your own, you can confront her without your uncle knowing anything about it. By telling her that you are aware of her extra-marital affair, the secret phone calls when she thinks nobody is listening to her as well as her general attitude towards your uncle gives you reason to suspect her of cheating on your uncle.

This should be a woman-to-woman thing. If she threatens to blackmail you, tell her you have enough evidences to prove that she is having extra-martial affair. Call her bluff that you have the name of the man as well as the venue of their secret meeting. If you are convincing in your act, she might just believe you. Tell her that you won’t turn over the evidences to your uncle if she ends the affair. You can also phone the person who has the number to plead with him to allow your sister-in-law be. Threaten to inform your uncle about it if he doesn’t stop what he is doing with your aunty. The call will serve to inform your aunty that indeed you have all the information you claim to have and would either make her stop or end the marriage honourably if she can’t do without the other man in her life.

Sometimes what appears to be so right may end up being so bad at the end of the day. Marriage is a deep and mysterious partnership between two people, one that defies understanding most of the time to spectators of the marriage. You may be surprised that your uncle may have his suspicions but ready to continue to give her the benefit of doubt as a result of his love for her. If you can go through her phone, your uncle too may have seen all those incriminating text messages but pretend not to for the sake of peace in his life. He could just be waiting for someone to hold as telling him his wife is having an affair. You may not understand it but marriage is a secret pact between a man and woman, so be careful you don’t end up the victim of something the mystery of which you know nothing of. Besides, have you thought of the consequences of telling him the truth about his wife’s disloyalty? What if his hearts gives way or ends up with a terminal heart condition as a result of the news you are about to give him?

Besides, how would you feel if you are being fingered as the harbinger of a news item that broke your uncle’s home and life? This is one instance where silence is golden, where you have to apply wisdom as well as trust God to intervene. I appreciate your sense of injustice and anger but like I said, marriage is a complex thing that nobody outside it can categorically predict its direction. There are so many strange issues happening in most marriages capable of making outsiders recoil in anger but ones the couples involved are willing to put up with because of the bond of matrimony. The strength of the bond determines the solidity of a marriage’s shock absorbers. This is why some women look the other way when they have ample evidences that their husbands are cheating on them as well as some men.

Yes, it is wrong but when one is in love and determined to make it work against all odds, certain things take the back seat. The best you can do now is to vacate the home because the more you are exposed to the fact of her unfaithfulness, the greater the risk of you attempting to tell your uncle. Another thing you can do is to tell your mother or father, the one who is related to your uncle. Being siblings and experienced in matters like this, they would know how to handle the matter without you being the sacrificial lamb.

Above all, pray for your uncle and his marriage because this could really destroy him because not all men are wired to deal with unfaithful wives; some simply never recover from the shock of it.

Good luck.

Re: He Is Having An Affair And Treats Me Shabbily

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I Want A Second Wife

Dear Agatha,

I started recently started reading your column and finding appreciative comments of readers who got help through your counsels. I also know that I will receive solution to my own problem. I am a young man of 41 years of age who got married early in life and have a family living in peace, until God called me to unify the Bible with the Holy Quran as a necessary assignment before the end of the world. I refer everybody to Ephesians 1:9-11

My wife, a member of the Jehovah Witness refused to support me on this journey. I was also a Witness until my new spiritual assignment. Following her stubbornness, God then gave me the permission to take another wife to serve as my partner for His work, explaining that what constitutes sin was 'to divorce one's wife to marry another except on the grounds of adultery; polygamy is not sin rather it was ordained by Him for those who can afford and prevent a lot of souls from going to hell. Again, I refer readers to Mathew 19. There Jesus didn’t prohibit polygamy but stressed the permanent nature of marriage. Since my wife is faithful to me, I have no reason to divorce her but could take another to be my partner in the office she has refused to serve.

I have tried to explain my condition to some ladies but they refuse to listen or even enquire from God if what I am saying is true though they claim to be born again. They make jest of me, but some prefer to be my girlfriend rather than become my second wife. Some have abused me, yet I do not want to follow any fleshly desire in choosing another partner. Now; I would like to marry a lady who is willing to submit to the will of God for me and to serve as my partner in God's Work. The woman must be a virgin, under 27 years of age, fair in complexion,of average height and born again of Islam, Christianity, Bahrain, Mormon. from any country. She must also have secondary school education. She must pray and fast to know if she is the one God will choose for me before replying. Must go to this site to understand the nature of my ministry and determine if she can work with me: www.jehovahsservantreligion.blogspot.com

I am waiting responses as God wills. My contact is: capitalgen@yahoo.com

Israel.

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Dear Isreal,

You will definitely agree that no woman in her right sense would accept such proposal from her husband especially if a Christian. There is no way you can convince her or a lot of people that you are not using the name of God to execute a plan you have always nurtured deeply in your mind.

Marriage is one institution very close to the heart of God and one He would never cause confusion in no matter the assignment He has given any of the partners to do for Him. Your story and declaration sounds very queer and a bit hard to chew given the nature of the God we all serve. He is one God that will never do or say anything to cause commotion in the lives of His people. God is not man who lacks the powers to make your wife do as He pleases. He is the potter and her, the clay. If actually He wants you to execute this assignment for Him, no matter how hard hearted your wife is, He knows and has the ability to break her down to support the vision He gave you. God is no man that would ask you to marry another woman because your wife is adamant to give you her support.

He would not ask you to marry another wife but ensure the one you have does what He wants. Remember the case of Joseph who was going to divorce Mary on account of her being pregnant without him having anything to do with its conception? God didn’t allow it to happen. He made Arch. Angel Gabriel to go to Joseph to explain the nature of Mary’s pregnancy and what he, Joseph must do to help God’s plan materialize.

He didn’t give Mary another husband or Joseph another wife. He stepped into the human situation to explain His supremacy over us. If your assignment is from God, your wife too would receive the message and prompting to follow you. Taking on another wife isn’t what you need but to sit back and clear the confusion you have engineered in your life. Perhaps when you married early, you didn’t really have a clear understanding of what the institution demands. At 40 you are probably experiencing some middle age crisis and want some sort of excitement especially those you think you lost out on by marrying early. It is natural to at some point in a marriage to feel trapped and to want to look for an escape route. You may think you are happy but deep down you feel like you are drowning in all the responsibilities marriage brings along with it. Challenges like this are best tackled by going on holiday with your wife; to refresh your marriage by dreaming up new ideas of bringing back some of the excitements you missed out on. There is no way you can do the work of God with two women and sets of children demanding for your time. The confusion would drown whatever it is you say God asked you to do. Without a happy home, there is no way you as a man can function properly.

In all these learn to be true to yourself because that itself is the only way you can succeed and stay in line with what God wants you to be.

Good luck.

I’m Pregnant For My Uncle, Can Abortion Do Any Good?

Dear Agatha,

I came to live with my uncle who was supposed to help me look for a job. He sent his wife away on account of my coming and for the fact that I am very beautiful. The problem lingered for a month before they parted ways.

I didn’t need anybody to tell me she left because of me. When she left, my uncle started buying me cloths as well as other things.

On a particular day, he came to my room and slept with me after which I became pregnant. Now do I go for abortion or keep the pregnancy.

Please help me and don’t forget in your response that this man is my uncle.

Helpless Girl.

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Dear Helpless Girl,

It is too late for regrets because you knew from the very beginning what your uncle’s agenda was and what your reactions to his intentions would be. This, more than your coming, made his wife to pack out of her matrimonial home and not you coming to live with them.

When he sent out his wife on account of you, what did you do? Did you inform your parents about it knowing that it was wrong for him to have sent her away, because you came to stay with them? The truth is you wanted her out of the way so you can have him to yourself.

Besides, since you suspected him to be captivated by your beauty and was likely to take advantage of you without his wife around, why didn’t you at that point go back to your parents?

Frankly, I don’t think you are telling the whole truth. The line about the wife leaving because of you and being intimated by your beauty show that whatever the problem is, didn’t begin when you came to live with them.

There is no way she would pack out of the house on account of you coming to live with them especially as you, his niece, one known to her. Yes, she can object and resent having you in her house as most women are in the habit of doing, but unless there is profound reason, one that threatens her security in the house, she won’t have left.

When your uncle came to your room, would you say you were raped? What efforts did you put up at preventing the situation? Did you report to your parents? Even if you have no money to go back home, did you bother to report the incident via phone to them?

That you are wise enough to suggest having an abortion shows you are not exactly innocent, that you must have had previous experiences, hence do know when a man is interested in sleeping with a woman. It is obvious from your story that he didn’t rape you, you gave him what he wanted, and at that point, you forgot the nature of your relationship with him. Even if the man is shameless, you didn’t behave well.

As for the pregnancy, the decision of what to do lies with you and your so-called uncle. It is a decision you both have to make, but one thing is clear, it is in your interest to pack out of that house as soon as possible so that the rightful owner of the house can come back.

Good luck.

Can I Ever Be My Own Tormentor?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for your wonderful work, God will bless you.

Please I want you to put me through, I want to know if I’m the one causing my delay in marriage or not. I notice that each time a man comes closer to me I will try by all means to be truthful to him most importantly about my age.

Thereafter, I would call often to know how he feels, ignoring whether he calls me or not. And on the occasions I have reasons to ask why he isn’t making the efforts to call me too, it is always the excuse of being too busy or having a problem.

And if I stop calling, the relationship dies. This has become a familiar pattern in all my relationships. One minute I am in good terms with the man and the next another woman takes my place in his life.

Most of the men who treated me this way end up marrying the woman who replaces me in their lives only for them to come back with regret at the choice they made and how they wished they had married me.

Please, Agatha, is my truthfulness the cause of all these problems or am I too hard on men. I have always prayed for God’s intervention in my life.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

There is a world of difference between being hard on men and telling the truth. In life there is no substitute to telling the truth and anyone who is afraid of the truth is not worth depending on. If telling a man your real age, being very opened with your feelings for them makes the wary of you, then none of these men is worth you, because a person who cannot tolerate the truth from someone cannot be trusted to appreciate the value of truth in his or her own dealings with people.

Therefore your telling them the truth cannot be the real problem with all your relationships, at least, one of them would have appreciated this quality in you.

It is the bit about being hard on them that you should look into. When you say you are hard, in what sense? It is one thing to be very demonstrative about your feelings for these men and another thing for you to accord them the required respect that goes with their gender. There is no man, either young or old, that would tolerate insolence or rudeness from the woman he is interested in marrying.

Between the times of falling in love, getting married and staying married a lot of issues come in between. It isn’t the falling in love that is the problem, but being able to sustain the initial feelings that brought a couple together.

In your case, you don’t have the problem of not having suitors, but that of sustaining their interests in you sufficiently enough to marry you.

When this type of problem become recurrent, it could mean one of two things, that you are either a bad manager of your life or has spiritual problems determined to maim your life.

The first place to begin is to ask yourself what you are doing wrong in your relationship to bring about all these disappointments. Can you detect any similarities in the excuses of these men as well as the quality of the relationship you are having with them? What seems to run through all these relationship? Is there a consensus of opinion from these men about you? If yes, what is the commonest, and do you think they are justified in their conclusions about your person?

This isn’t a question you jump into answering. It would be best you take a considerable time to answer it and the only way you can do yourself some justice is to try to look at yourself from the eyes of all these men you have dated one time or the other and your other relationships with others.

Also get your friends, trusted ones, who can look at you straight in the eyes and tell you what they think and feel about you. Ask family members, especially your parents and siblings to grade you.

Their appraisal of you would go a long way in helping you appreciate the views of all these men as well as aid you in making the right decision concerning reforming your lifestyle and character.

It would be of tremendous help if you refuse to be offended to benefit from their honest assessment of your person.

However, if all indices point to no abnormality in your behaviour, then look at your family history especially as it has to do with women and their relationships with men. How many women in your family before you or are currently having the same problem as you are having?

What average age did those who are currently married walked down the altar? Ask your mother she would come up with useful information that will point you at the right directions to go.

Whatever the nature of the problem, the best solution to life challenges is prayer. Learn to pray, depend on God for His wisdom and guidance. There is no situation God cannot change for the better, provided you have faith in His words and name.

It always pays to listen to His voice of reason and caution in everything we do.

Good luck.

Re: I’m Finished, My Son Impregnates My Daughter

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She Mounts Malice Over Her Lover’s Zeal For Me

Dear Agatha,

Please I want to use this opportunity to tell you that I like the way you handle issues and solve other people’s problem. I pray for God’s strength and blessings for you.

I have this problem currently disturbing me. It has to do with a colleague in the office I share sitting space with. This has naturally made us close to the extent that we share intimate information about our lives.

Our closeness also made me close to her boyfriend who comes to the office regularly. I was surprise however when he called me on my phone, on the night my friend told me she was going to his house to spend the night, to chat me up. In the first instance, I can’t remember giving him my number, hence the surprise at how he got my number which soon cleared out as he got it from my friend’s phone.

He told me he has started falling in love with me and when I asked him about his girlfriend and how he proposes to go about it, he told me not to worry about my colleague that she was a big girl.

The next day in the office, I could not hold back on what her boyfriend did. So, I called my friend to warn her to be very careful, explaining what her boyfriend told me. My concern was for her not to get hurt.

At the end of the day, I observed that she and the man were no longer dating. I also noticed she became very cold towards me, but what shocked me the most was her telling me to go ahead and date the man if I so desire. After that she kept her distance from me.

So worried am I about the whole episode that I told other people about it. They said she would one day get over it and we would become friends again.

Agatha, I am so worried, I want you to help me because I don’t know how to keep malice with someone.

Olivia.

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Dear Olivia,

The mistake you made was to have divulged such information to someone who is just an office friend. That you share intimate secrets on account of your sitting arrangement doesn’t make both of you that kind of friends. A friendship must be well founded on trust and confidence to be able to withstand the kind of information you gave her concerning the suitability of her boyfriend.

Yes, you meant well and did what a good friend should ordinarily do, but when it comes to matters as sensitive as this, not everybody has the maturity to handle it.

What this has simply shown is that beyond the office friendship you have, both of you lack the bridge of understanding a friendship needs to withstand storms. Friendship goes beyond sharing intimate information. It is loyalty, selflessness and trust. On your part, you have actually succeeded in building loyalty, but she is yet to move away from seeing you just as an office friend.

But as a friend, you must understand her reactions come from hurt for the embarrassment caused her by a boyfriend she probably thought was the ideal man until this ugly incident.

Your coming to her to give her that type of information threw up many questions in her hearts. The first is how did he get your number and for how long have both of you been communicating without her knowledge of it? Another point that would be agitating her mind now is when it all started, precisely when you two got to the stage of him falling in love with you. Because she doesn’t know you enough, she can’t trust your motive for telling her hence her reactions to you.

For now, let her be, don’t force her to be your friend or join her in the malice game either. Her reactions may not be against you directly, but at the betrayal of a man she obviously loved and trusted.

If you cannot cope without talking to your office neighbour, ask someone to change places with you. And if that is impossible without you getting the approval of your boss, confide in your boss your predicament and why you would appreciate getting another sitting space.

This way the tension of seeing her everyday and not being able to share confidential notes like you once did would resolved to enable you concentrate more on your work.

I agree that overtime, when her pains, anger and disappointment are over, she would come to appreciate what you did for her. But until then, try to avoid her.

Good luck.

Four Men At My Skirt, Three Seek Sex As Collateral

Dear Agatha,

I am in love with four men. Three of them are always demanding for sex from me before they can help me.

Please tell me what to do.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

Do you even understand the ABC of the word love? If you do, there is no way you can say you are concurrently in love with four men. Love is something serious, special and exquisite. It cannot be duplicated on demand. What you feel for these men is lust and greed for what you can get from them, not anything special, hence your ability to invest your emotions in all the four of them with the ease with which you breath.

If they are demanding sex from you before they can assist you, it is because you have also not presented yourself as a woman who is responsible at all. What man would take a woman whose hobby seems to be acquiring men serious? They know what your agenda is, hence they want you to pay in kind before parting with what you demand of them.

You are making the mistake a lot of young girls are making on numbers (of men) as security. The only guarantee to a successful relationship is a heart of sacrifice, which a lot of young girls like you are not willing to do.

It would be so unfortunate if through your own carelessness, you throw away the one man God specially designed for you. No man, who is interested enough in keeping you for a wife, would have the tolerance to stay around you for long going by your current lifestyle.

Whatever your reasons are, it is in your interest to do away with these numbers of men and learn to live within the means of your income. The danger of you continuing in your present lifestyle goes beyond your immediate wants into your far future, the time when you can’t do anything to reverse the consequences of your current trend of living. What do you think would happen if you get pregnant now? What certainty and confidence would you have to name any of these men as being responsible? At any rate do you think any of them would come forward to accept a pregnancy from you knowing there are other men too in your life? You may think none of these men know you aren’t faithful to them, but these are things that never stay under the carpet, because there are always interested eyes and itching mouths to spill the beans.

There is no way any of these men would give you what you want, because as a person you don’t even know what it is you are looking for in a man. In your current state of mind, you would be unable to recognise love if you see one, thereby increasing the danger of you helping to destroy your future.

For you to recognise the agenda of any man who crosses your path, you must first have a clear focus of what you want and the qualities to look out for in them.

If you had, you would not have said yes to four men concurrently in your life.

To help yourself get out of this confusion, please do away with all these men first to enable you reflect properly on precisely what you want from life, have a dream as well as the drive to achieve the dream. Do this first before saying yes to any man. It will resolve the issue of the confusion that drove you into the arms of all these men as well as build up the all-important issue of your dignity.

Importantly learn to pray to prevent the greater calamity of allowing greed to destroy your life.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I am 35 years of age. As a young girl I had many suitors but due to proper guidance, I refused them all. Now at my age I am single. Please I need a caring man in my life. I am a graduate. An interested man can call me on this number, 08054295169. I live in Makurdi.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Agatha,

I am 28 years of age in need of a serious minded lady of 21 years of age. My plan is to end up marrying her.

Any interested lady should call me on this number, 08059422724.

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Dear Agatha,

I’m an undergraduate. I need a female friend between the 20 and 23 years of age for a serious relationship. Interested lady should please call me on this number, 08058392945.

Can She Graduate Without Desecrating Her Virginity?

Dear Agatha,

I commend you for your effort to ease the emotional problems of people. I read the reply you gave to Whitney of Kaduna Polytechnic. I want to disagree with you on what you said about the guy who has been pestering her for sex.

I am presently in that guy’s shoes. My reason is my past experience. I dated a girl whom I loved so much, she was a virgin, and because of the love I had for her I decided to succumb to her wish.

After some time we had a misunderstanding, not over sex. However, the relationship did not continue, but after two years she came back to me and I accepted her back. But to my shock another man has deflowered her, I felt bad about that.

Even though I loved her so much I could not continue with the relationship because I was ashamed of being a man. I want to avoid such happening again. My present girl is a 100 level student in the university. I want to make her my wife.

Can you vouch she'll graduate a virgin? Please, note that not all men who persistently want to make love with their girl mean no harm.

I want to know your view.

Benjamin.

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Dear Benjamin,

A woman remains her own best keeper, and a lot of what she does with her body comes from her own moral values as well as her attitude towards life. Your girlfriend can stay a virgin till she graduates if she is determined to remain one irrespective of the challenges she meets along the way. It is her choice, one only she can make. So what I feel or don’t feel has nothing to do with what she does with her body at the end of the day.

When it comes to relationships and desires, you cannot make a broad statement; you can only speak for yourself. Granted, not every man who makes premarital sex to his woman has an ulterior motive, but you would agree that in the majority of instances, a lot of men see sex as recreation that every woman must be ready to give them on demand.

God never intended sex to be a plaything though designed to give pleasure.

Even though a lot of women seem to have forgotten the moral burden invested by God in them, the fact remains that sex cannot be given by a woman cheaply to a man simply because he is on ego trip to paradise.

Sex comes with responsibilities for the man mostly. It comes sealed with responsibilities and respect to the woman. Before a woman goes on a sex wheel, she should first put in place structures that would protect her from shame should the game produce results like pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases (STD) and protection of the woman’s dignity at all times.

It isn’t just a matter of getting under the sheets, but that of demonstrating to the woman that she is in safe hands both inside and outside the bedroom.

Some of the issues that go on inside a woman’s mind when sex pressures are put on her is her place in the man’s heart and what she means to the man. A man who truly cares about a woman would not be so demanding preferring to allow the woman be, until she is ready would also consider the stigma that comes from unwanted or unplanned pregnancies as well as the danger she faces at the abortionist table.

These are the considerations that go on in a woman’s mind. Will the man stand by her should the process of enjoyment turns into challenges warranting the feeding of an extra mouth, supportive during the time nature forces her to take a break and care for the child?

Should your girlfriend get pregnant for you before she graduates, do you have the economic power and emotional stability to care for mother and child? A man who has a woman and a child to care for must put what about the material structures that in place.

These are the fears reasonable women consider when the issue of sex comes up.

Relationship is about tremendous sacrifices, endurance, tolerance, respect, loyalty, fear of God and responsibilities. All these and much more must be factored into every sex a man asks a woman for.

Good luck.

His Suspicion Evokes In Me Desperate Thoughts

Dear Agatha,

I am a 21-year-old undergraduate who has been in a four-year-old relationship. I knew my man when I was still very young and I have been faithful to him. He travelled earlier this year to another state, but before he left he told many people to keep their eyes on me.

Since he left, we have been having problems whenever he phones. Some times he had told me that some people saw me with a guy, while others told him they saw me with married men. After hearing all these stories from him, I would become restless and spend huge amount of money to prove my innocence.

The recent story has to do with a man in the compound of my mother’s elder sister and her family, a place where I also reside.

The man in question has just got married. One evening, a woman who lives in our compound called to inform me that the man’s wife complained to her about me looking for her husband at night. I was so surprised because nothing like that had happened.

Immediately she told me this, I called my boyfriend to inform him of the story, but to my surprise, he told me not to bother him, but instead I should either go and sort my problems out. He took the opportunity to remind me of the several times he had kept questioning me of having affairs with other boys. I have done everything to make him understand the fact that I love him very much and how I have remained faithful to him.

Please auntie do I continue with him or do I quit the relationship?

Iheoma.

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Dear Iheoma,

One thing is for you to claim you are innocent of all the several accusations being levelled against you, but the real question is, are you?

How come not one but several people, including this woman are accusing you of the same thing? What precisely are you doing wrong? Why all these people especially the woman single you out as dating her husband? Are you the only single lady in that compound? Why you?

This is what your boyfriend is trying to understand. If the complaints are coming from just one person, they can be said be said to have been made out of envy. Perhaps he would have been able to understand and endure it but from several persons? In his shoes what would you think? Would you have believed the stories from these different people were false?

The first issue here is not for you to convince him about your innocence but that of knowing why you are attracting all the negative comments to yourself. Without you first doing this, the issue of your fidelity will continue to come up and tear the two of you apart.

Is your closeness to all these men the major cause of your problem or just your carelessness about your image to think of the implications of some of the actions you take?

A woman must at all times be conscious of her image and what impact her actions would have on her reputation. To be fair to you, you may be innocent of all the accusations but because you are doing something very wrong through the choices you are making, the accusations will keep coming.

So, you must really sit back to think on what could be making you the target of what you think are malicious gossips against you.

Living apart from each other means you have to be more careful about the company you keep, what you say, what you wear as well as your general conduct. What you will ordinarily do or say when he is around and get away with, don’t expect the same kind of freedom or support when you are separated by distance. This is because distance creates insecurity in a couple that lacks what it takes to trust each other whether together or not. You are young, so also is your man; both of you are yet to master the strength of overcoming the monster of distance, walking above it to keep your hearts united irrespective of what is being peddled about you.

Again part of your problem has to do with the kind of relationship both you had before he changed location. Had both of you taken the pains as well as made the necessary sacrifices to grow your relationships with the right values, he would have exercised certain trust in you based on his knowledge of you. Something is obviously wrong.

However, before calling it a day with him, why not make the attempt at seeing him first to properly explain why you think you are being unjustly accused by all these people?

Your decision on whether to end the relationship will depend on the outcome of your meeting as well as how far you succeed in convincing him of your loyalty.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

I thank you for the way you are helping in solving people’s problems because each time I read your column and the responses you give to the problems people face, I can’t but say you are a special gift by God, I pray He continues to guard and protect you.

I am from Imo State and am 20 years of age. I have never had any girl friend by choice but now I have decided to have a girl and will appreciate if you can help me through your column. I need a pretty and understanding girl between the ages of 18 to 25 years of age. Any interested girl should call me on 07035029850 or samuelugwu4@yahoo.com

Samuel.

I Love My Husband But…

Dear Agatha,

Please tell me how to handle this problem I have found myself in. There is no doubting the fact that I love my husband but my two-year-old marriage is already feeling like a century old because of the issues I have had to battle. It has been one problem after the other.

I met my husband when things were very difficult for me, when I had no place to stay and was living like a house-help in the home of a friend of mine. My friend’s mother, aware of my helpless situation, assigned all the housework to me. I cooked, cleaned and washed for the family. My friend soon joined the mother in treating me like the paid help.

I ate only once a day and even at that, it would be without fish or meat. When done with the house chores, I would go to her shop to sell her wares. It was not easy but I had to endure the treatment for the sake of a roof over my head and the gift of a meal.

It was while selling at the shop that I met him. He had come with a friend to buy some drinks and engaged me in a conversation. From that point he became a regular face at the shop and got to know about my story when he came to the house and found my friend’s mother raining curses on me.

The next day he came to the shop to know what my actual status in that house was. I had no choice but to tell him the truth; how I left home due to my mother’s hostility and how my friend offered to house me, as well as how her mother turned me into the unpaid help.

Three days after telling him my story, he came to the house and ordered me to pack. That was how I found myself living with him in his family house. I encountered another kind of' problem from his stepmother, who was a former friend of' his mother while there. She was very hostile. There was evidently no love lost between her and the children of her former friend.

Unwittingly I became involved in a battle whose origin I knew nothing. However, being a naturally hardworking and friendly person, I soon endeared myself to the woman and his father because I ensured the compound was kept clean at all times.

As time went on I got to meet the mother of my boyfriend who had relocated to another part of town. Initially, she welcomed me with open hands until I declined to accept some substances she wanted me to put in the food of her rival and husband. Since nobody witnessed what she wanted me to do for her, it was her word against mine. Besides, what would I gain by telling my man about the evil intentions of his mother? Nobody, least of all my man, understood her suddenly loathing of me. She pointedly told my man to discontinue his relationship with me but because we still lived in the family house, she couldn’t come to make trouble with us.

But the opportunity came when we moved into a place of our own and she came over to make so much trouble. I had to run back to school. My boyfriend had taken on the responsibility of sending me to school.

It was while this was on that I discovered I had fibroid. According to the medical reports the fibroid was too big for me to get pregnant.

I however kept the knowledge to myself because I did not want him to end the relationship and leave me to my predicament. All the churches, as well as the spiritual houses I visited, all pointed to the mother as being responsible for my condition since she didn’t want me and would stop at nothing to ensure I didn’t have a baby for her son.

By a stroke of good luck, God smiled on me and I got pregnant. I almost lost my life but God’s will, prevailed on the day of delivery.

However, my husband’s attitude changed towards me. Till date he doesn’t care for the baby and I; my mother-in-law hasn’t seen the baby, her first grandchild 18 months after his delivery. His father prevailed on him to formally marry me. His mother was absent.

From the grapevine, I hear my husband is seeing another woman and that she is actually pregnant for him. He doesn’t make love to me prompting me to beg him for what should rightly be my entitlement. The only time he agreed to it, I got pregnant and when I informed him, he told me to get rid of the pregnancy. When I refused, he disclaimed the pregnancy and resorted to calling me several names. He promised to make life unbearable for me and he is actually making good his threats. Most times, I don’t want him back home.

Agatha, what can I do? Do I go for an abortion for peace to reign in my home? I am really confused.

Esther.

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Dear Esther,

I know how bad marriages can affect one’s state of mind. I know more than most people about the psychological trauma of wanting a partner to stay permanently away because of the pains he or she is putting you through but I tell you, these are feelings that would go away once the person changes, they have no deep roots.

These things only form a part of our story and experiences through life and marriage. One day, they would become referrals to other women, including your children, sisters and friends going through similar challenges in their marriages.

I assure you, your problem is not peculiar to you because it is similar to what a lot of women are facing in their homes. You are certainly not alone; go and ask our mothers, fathers, friends, aunties or uncles, they would tell you the same story in different versions. We each have a cross to carry. Granted, marriages are meant to be enjoyed but we seldom have a marriage that is flawless. Each comes with its share of pains and unpleasant history.

What matters at the end of the day is how we manage this dark period. There will always be pillars of clouds as well as sunshine. Marriage is a cocktail of every experience and feelings.

Make up your mind from this early to treat this dark stage in your marital history as a necessity or intended by God to open your eyes and mind to His glory.

At the end of the day, if you are wise, you would have a deeper understanding of life as well as appreciation of God; would as a matter of fact make you know God better later in life for giving you the strength to survive moments like this one.

Don’t abort the pregnancy. Many children that eventually turn out to be their father’s favourites are mostly those whose pregnancies their fathers insisted must be aborted or denied.

For now, let him be. He would eventually change. Trust me, he hasn’t made any history by rejecting the child. He isn’t the first husband to reject a pregnancy neither would he be the last. So many men have similarly rejected pregnancies on usually flimsy grounds.

Rather than fight him or wish he never comes back home, hand over the situation to God. He has all the answers.

And for your sake, be careful where you go to for help because not everybody that proclaims the name of God is actually serving God. Praise, worship and pray for His divine intervention as well as presence in your marriage.

As for your mother-in-law, don’t fight her because one day you too will become a mother-in-law to another woman. With the help of God, she would one day come to see things your way. Even if she doesn’t, it is immaterial provided you continue to accord her the respect she deserves as the mother of your husband.

Allow God the freedom to fight your battles in every way. Unbearable as your husband’s attitude may be, continue to honour him as your head and husband.

As for the other woman, you don’t have any business with her. Your husband is your main business and remains your crown.

Please be patient. It eventually wins the battle better than fighting or nagging. Some think it is an old fashioned virtue but it is a woman’s best weapon when things are going very wrong on the home front. Take it from me, it is old time wisdom that has never failed to achieve positive results on marital battle grounds.

Good luck

Pressures From My Guardians Scare Me…

Dear Agatha,

First I want to thank you for the wonderful things you do for people through your columns.

My problem has to do with the pressures I am being subjected to by my guardians. My mother died when I was an infant and my father lost his job. I have older stepbrothers and sisters; my mother was the second wife.

Unfortunately there is nothing much to write home about my siblings. The boys are all like my father, jobless and of no good while the only girl is morally bankrupt.

My guardians are expecting so much from me, a situation that is making me very scared of the future. I don’t want to end up like my father or brothers.

Please how do I avoid being like other members of my family?

Troubled Boy.

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Dear Troubled Boy,

First by having a clear vision of what you want in life. For instance, where would you want to be in the next couple of years? You must have a development schedule to enable you plan your life.

It doesn’t matter if you are unable to meet the schedule you have set for yourself or not, what matters is that you have set in motion the wheel of your self-actualisation as a man.

To help you succeed and avoid the mistakes of your father and brothers, be close to God and have the enabling faith in Him, the kind that has the potency of changing things to favour you where others failed.

This kind of faith doesn’t happen without you first knowing the kind of God you serve. You must know the awesomeness of your God to appreciate the kind of things He can achieve in your life.

From this early, learn how to surrender to Him in all things because that is the only way you can achieve the impossible and stand tall where those before you have failed in the family.

As for your guardians, while you must never do anything to make them regret taking you in, make them aware that you are not in the position to meet all their expectations. Given the fact that they brought you up, they should exercise confidence in their training, they must believe in those qualities they planted in you to succeed in life.

Whatever happens refused to be pushed into a situation you don’t want, and always put God first in whatever you do, because it is the only way you can succeed.

Good luck.

Can I Legally Claim Her Child Before Marriage?

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the tonic you gave to people the world over. I am 38 years of age. The problem at hand is trying to send me to psychiatric home if not properly handled.

I met this lady in 2006 at a supermarket. One thing led to another, I offered her real hand of friendship and we became very close. During my relationship with her, I discovered her caring heart as well as compassion for humanity.

Two weeks into our relationship, she decided to share her past and mistakes with me. But I declined to share mine with her or the fact that I am financially comfortable.

In one of my visits to her, I even asked her to loan me some money to transport myself back home. I presented myself to her as a very poor man. I lied about being a Television and Radio repairer even though I own many businesses at Alaba International and Aspanda Markets.

Through out the period of our courtship, she didn’t have any idea of who I was until few weeks to our wedding. During our courtship, whenever I have to make oversea trips, I always tell her that I am travelling to the village to see my parents and that in my village none of the phone networks works. When she was eager to visit me at home, I took her to my friend’s one-room residence in Ajegunle.

Having satisfied myself that she was the right one for me and since we were on the verge of getting married, I decided to take her to my home at Victoria Garden City (VGC). On getting to the house, she was surprised to see her photographs everywhere as well as the fact that I actually stay in such a place.

It was at that point she also opened up to me about the child she had at 17, who was 13 years of age at the time we met in 2006.

She told me how everybody in the family abandoned her to her fate except her parents who are very poor. She managed to finish her secondary school. She later came to Lagos after the delivery of the baby to stay with her elder brother and to find something to do to help herself and child.

I told her that I love her and would still marry her. To my surprise, the man who impregnated her resurfaced to claim the child, but her family opposed on the grounds that he never paid any bride price on her.

My wife told me later that the man came because he got information that someone is seeking her hand in marriage besides the fact that four years after marriage, he and his wife are yet to be blessed with a child.

Agatha, can you kindly tell me what to do to make the child legally mine? Already, the child bears my name. I know bearing my name is not enough or the fact that my wife has warned him never to come near her or the child again. After our wedding ceremony, I voluntary gave N150,000 to my in-laws for the stress in taking care of the little child for the period of 13 years.

I will be a sad man for the rest of my life if I lose the child to this man. Before our marriage, I told my wife that I want the child to join us in Lagos, she obliged. I have enrolled her in the best private secondary school in Victoria Island.

How can someone who never bothered about the welfare of a child suddenly make a u-turn and demand for the child?

She is currently 16 years of age and will write her SS3 exams next year.

I have given her and the mother love, care and comfort. In fact, the child acknowledges me as her father.

To be sincere to myself, I have a fulfilling marriage. I have peace, love, trust, and just name it in my marriage. I really enjoy the goodies that come with marriage. My wife is everything to me from the first day I met her till date. We are happy together.

I want you and other right thinking Nigerians who have had similar experiences to advice me through this e-mail address terryteddy35@yahoo.com

Teddy.

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Dear Teddy,

Since you have a very good relationship with the child who from all indications has given you her trust and love, you will not have any problem keeping her as your child.

But there is the need for you to legally adopt the child. Get your lawyer to do the paper work. At 16, she isn’t exactly a child not to know what she wants. So, I don’t foresee any legal tangle coming from your desire to constitutionally have her as your child.

However, I want you to be certain that you are doing all these not for selfish reason, to punish a recalcitrant father, who until circumstances called for it, refused to have anything to do with his daughter.

When it comes to adoption, especially of a child who is already aware of his or circumstances, it is always advisable to put the feelings of the child into consideration. Yes, you are the only father she knows, giving her the chances as well as opportunity to reach the heights of her dreams, but it is also essential you and your wife put into view her emotional development as an individual. Like every child, a time would come in her life when she would demand for answers to issues happening around her. These questions would not be asked because she is unappreciative of you or doesn’t love you, but as a result of the natural curiosity of the young, and as time goes on from the reactions of your extended family, especially those who will never accept her full integration into the family.

Therefore, before you do the adoption thing fully, ask for her views on what she wants as well as what she thinks of her biological father. This is because the heart of the child always thirsts for the unfamiliar thing or absent parent. For the sake of posterity, give her the choice to decide on what she wants, whether she wants to go with you permanently or have the choice of going to the father when she likes.

This is because there is no denying the rights of her father in all these. Irrespective of whatever he has done in the past, he still remains her biological father, something no court can fail to acknowledge on the ground of it being an indisputable fact. What you are fighting for is what is best for the child and not a denial of the biology of the child. Don’t forget, he is coming back because he feels he has a need of his daughter in his life, especially as he doesn’t have any other child. So the bid could be made difficult if he is as determined as you for the child.

To make the bid for the child absolutely easy for you, always be one step ahead by first talking to the child and getting her consent for whatever plans you want to embark on concerning her life.

Whatever happens, the best legacy you can give this child as a father is to give her love unconditionally, never recount whatever it is you are doing f or her.

Good luck.

Blocking Intimacy With Him Boomerangs

Dear Agatha,

I am a 20-year-old girl in love with a boy who claims to love me in return. He has kept extending invitations to me to come to his house, but each time he issues such an invitation, I decline for fear of what might happen should I take him up on the invitation.

One day something happened prompting me to call him to inform him of the need for us to stay away from each other for a certain period of time. I really did that to put him to some tests on how much he loves me.

While telling him about the need for us to stay away from each other, I also told him that if God ordained both of us to be together, it would come to pass.

He protested, insisting he needs a woman he will be intimate with. There and then, I told him it was a wish I wasn’t ready to grant him.

Because of my response to his statement, he stopped talking to me on the premise that he doesn’t want to ruin whatever plans I have for myself. Till date he still doesn’t talk to me.

Agatha, does the boy truly love me, or simply lusting after me? As for me, I truly love him because he always goes out of his way to make me happy. He tells everyone who cares to listen that I am his love and wife and likes introducing me to them but due to what he said, we are no more close to each other. Now other people are coming to me for my hands in friendship, but I don’t love them the way I love this boy. This thing has been bothering my mind.

Please advise me on what to do. I have been praying over it.

Nelly.

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Dear Nelly,

At 20, there is no hurry, because your heart is still very tender and any mistake you make now is capable of derailing your future plans. It is a good thing you have made your stance on sex known to him. The mistake you made was not to have told him from the beginning what your idea of a relationship is.

You should have told him the very first time he asked you to come over to his house your reason for refusing to honour the invitation instead making up excuses. This may have angered him as well as influenced the way he is currently reacting to you. It is always best from the wee hours of a relationship for both the man and woman to tell each other the truth concerning their agenda.

Changing the tempo of the game midway into the relationship not only gives birth to misunderstanding but also destroys whatever attempt made to grow trust.

He feels you are not being sincere with him and that your refusal to come over to his place or sleep with him means you don’t love him in the way you have led him to think, or that there is someone else in your life. Had you told him from the beginning he would have since prepared his mind for a sexless relationship.

This is where you made the mistake currently tearing your relationship apart.

Having said that, don’t allow his attitude blackmail you into doing something you don’t want to do. Since he has stopped talking to you on account of what you told him, let him be. He is still hurting and disappointed at not having it his way. If his feeling for you is genuine, he would come back to apologise for treating you the way he did. He would do this out of respect for you as well as what you stand for.

Don’t make the mistake of starting something new with another person on account of what is currently happening between the two of you. Men would always come, at your age all the attention you are getting is normal.

Your mistake would be to allow these attentions get into your head or put you under unnecessary pressures.

One point you must consider in this matter is your claim of being in love with this man. True love just doesn’t vanish like that. It takes time to get over. So you need to be careful not to rush things up for yourself by going into another relationship so soon. Give your heart the chance to heal properly, get over the love you claim to have for this man to forestall regrets as well as inability to give yourself fully into your new relationship.

Scrutinise what you think you feel for this man first to be sure you even know what love is all about, and if indeed you are really in love with him. Most times what we think love is, isn’t. There are many variations of feelings between ‘like’ and ‘love’ to be certain what one feels at a particular time. If what you feel for this man is true love at all, you won’t be thinking of rushing into any relationship so soon, you will tarry a while to see if he would come back as well as to heal sufficiently from the disappointment of it all before thinking of going into another relationship.

At any rate you need the knowledge of what true love is, to help you make all the adjustments and sacrifices in your next relationship.

Good luck.

He Craves For New Girl, Says I’m Too Naïve

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend says I don’t know how to make love, so he needs another girl that can do it very well.

Please help me. I don’t want to miss him on that complaint.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

There is nothing to this relationship. Any man who tells a woman he is leaving her for another girl because she can’t make love isn’t worth her time. It shows his interest in you has and will always be on sex matter. He doesn’t love you and is simply inching to move on. Is he just realising your flaw? What efforts did he put into helping you improve?

A woman is as good in bed as the man she is with. If he were as good at lovemaking as he claims, he would have been able to teach you how to go about pleasing him. The truth is, he is only looking for an excuse to dump you and move on to other women. Even if you are acclaimed the world best lover, with this kind of man, you will still rank zero.

So, give yourself some self-esteem and allow this relationship go. There was never any relationship in the first place.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I am 28 years of age. Please link me up with a lady between the ages of 22 to 26, ready to settle down and God fearing, a lady with the right attitude as well as focus. Any interested lady should either send an SMS or call 08094489175.

Frikolas.

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Dear Agatha

I am 30 years of age from Edo State. I run an eatery business in Kaduna State. I am also a part-time HND student of Kaduna Polytechnic.

I need a graduate for a future, who must be intelligent enough to exchange business ideas with me and support me to succeed in my business, for a wife.

I have prayed for this kind of woman for nine years. Any interested woman can get in touch with me on 08059473059.

Please help me.

Victor.

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