I don’t understand this lady

 Dear Agatha

I am a graduate, 25 years of age and an entrepreneur. My problem has to do with the difficulties of establishing a relationship with the opposite sex. I must confess that I wasn’t brought up with the “mixing up” mentality.

I met this young lady about four years ago and we developed interest in each other. She once confessed her love for me through a friend of hers even though I have not asked her out. She went as far as telling this mutual friend of ours that she is waiting for my proposal.     

However her attitude towards me belies this claim. Although, there are times that we are so close, the other times she is very cold towards me. She acts as if we are complete strangers and would ignore me for as long as two months without reasons only for things to magically turn around after sometime.  

I have tried talking to her about this aspect of hers but she hasn’t been able to give me any good reason why she acts like that. I don’t understand this trend. Is she really in love with me?

Secondly, there is this lady that got attracted to me some years back and often confesses her love for me. She was always the one pushing for a relationship between us through her love advances, but I paid little attention to her. Recently I asked her out and she told me she would not answer my question. It’s been four months now and she has not given me any reply. She even confessed she cannot stand me dating another lady and still tells me she loves me. I saw it as the normal ‘ladies’thing, but since she expressed her interest first, I fail to understand or appreciate the attitude she is now putting up. Please help me out.

Iyke.

Dear Iyke, 

At 25, you should by now have an idea of the kind of woman that is right for you, the one that would help you grow your home, family and business. Unless you do that, you would continue to misunderstand so many things about women generally and particularly those you come into contact with.

In addition, you must help yourself by placing friendship first instead of relationship. If you have been having the challenge of establishing relationships with members of the opposite sex, you must first clear the hurdle by learning how to be in the company of female friends. See women first as human beings you must have as friends, people you can talk to confide in, lean on in times of difficulties as well as trust. To be able to conduct a successful and meaningful relationship with a woman, you must have a clear idea into the workings of a woman’s mind. 

Going straight into a relationship without you first knowing the complexity of a woman’s mind and attitude is just like writing an examination on a subject you know nothing about beyond the cover. 

Being in company of female friends would give you a clear idea of the different kinds of women there are as well as the common attribute of all women. You are unable to relate with any of these ladies because you have no inkling into what they want or how to respond to them. In a way, they remain an enigma to you even if you do the basic thing of communicating with them. 

They have done their bit by indicating interest in you. It is more than any woman can do. The onus of taking the relationship forward is now entirely your business. You must therefore define what you want in your ideal woman to know if any of these women meets your requirement in the first place. 

Since both of them appear to have similar issues with you, the best thing for you is to find out why they are playing both hot and cold. Call them separately, to first apologise for any shortcomings from your end. Having declared their interest in you, inactivity from your end would definitely be interpreted by any woman in their shoes as rejection, which in turn would make any average woman shameful at making the first move. You have to clear whatever ill-feelings they have first to be able to get them to talk about what they think of you. Have the patience to listen carefully to them, the humility to learn from them because you would always need these pieces of advice as you progress in life.

Have it in mind that a relationship goes beyond a man meeting a woman. There are so many things that must be adhered to in every relationship. Before love can be conclusive, you must be patient, understanding, tolerant, caring, respectful and responsible in every way. You must have the maturity to deal and live with a woman because relationship and marriage can be a very tasking journey despite its anticipated emotional fulfillment.

One thing you should however never do is to engage these two women in a relationship concurrently. Be friends with them. At the end of the day, you would have gained better because the woman you will end up with would in addition to being your woman be a dependable friend, one who has a thorough understanding of who and what you are.

Good luck. 

I have to choose between church or registry wedding

Dear Agatha, 

I will really appreciate your candid advice on this issue I am about sharing with you. When my husband and I met, he told me he would only participate in two kinds of wedding ceremonies. He said he would not be a party to three wedding ceremonies as is the norm these days. He told me the most important one to him was the traditional marriage and gave me the option of choosing between the church and court weddings. 

I agreed to his terms then but once in a while tried talking to him with the hope of making him change his mind on his decision but he always insists on doing only two. He says his decision is personal. 

Our traditional wedding was done last month. He is waiting for my decision on the other kind of wedding to fix the date. 

Now the issue is I would like to know the advantages, implications and disadvantages of both the church and court weddings. I am kind of confused as to which to choose. I have tried to ask questions but I’m not getting satisfactory answers, which informs my decision to bring it to your table for counseling. Please educate me on this issue. 

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife, 

One fact you should never let go is this, a marriage doesn’t strive on the kind of ceremony one did but on one’s understanding of what the whole process is all about. The success or otherwise of a marriage is the emotional investment the couple is willing to put into it. You and your man can go through all the kinds of ceremonies there are but if you both lack the commitment and determination required to translate those vows you both made at the various kinds of wedding ceremonies you went through, into patience, tolerance, respect, responsibilities, care, support, friendship; the marriage will still run into problems. 

The first step is for you to be clear on what you want, as well as your place as a woman in the set up. Whatever your qualifications are, who and what you are, your place as the wife is to give your husband all the support he needs to succeed and to show respect for his wishes. 

From the beginning he has told you what his decision is on this matter. To him it isn’t the number of ceremonies you both have that matter but what the ones you agree to mean to both of you. Be careful not to burden your marriage from its nascent stage with a load that is too heavy for it to carry. Ceremonies are meant for the public to participate in rejoicing with a couple and not a yardstick for the success of a marriage. 

Back to your question, given the choice of a church wedding and registry, opt for the one more recognised by the law. Legally, the registry is the one recognised by the laws of the land. It carries all the full weight of the law and protects the woman in case of any eventuality from many of our ancient laws and customs that militate against a woman, especially at the death of her husband. 

The court wedding gives the woman the legal platform to stand and fight for the rights of her children particularly in situations where the husband dies interstate – that is without a Will. And even in case of divorce, it gives the woman the advantage of having a portion of her husband’s assets. 

That is why couples that go through the wedding ceremonies still go through the legal thing of going through a court wedding to give the woman mainly the legal premise to operate. Besides, the marriage certificate from the court is the only one recognised and accepted by courts in case of dispute. Under strict applications of the law, only the woman who has the legal document, the marriage certificate duly issued by the registry is considered to be the legal wife even where the man is married to other women. This is the major advantage the court wedding has over the church wedding.

The church wedding is simply to give it the spiritual coverage; recognition by the church. Even where couples wed in the church, some churches these days make it mandatory for couples to still go to the registry for legal protection. 

What most couples in your situation do is to go to the registry first and go for blessing in the church. The blessing which comes in the form of a special thanksgiving gives the marriage the same kind of spiritual recognition as the wedding done in the church. It is a matter of the leadership of the church understanding the issues involved. 

Since your husband is adamant on not having more than two wedding ceremonies, discuss with your church leadership. There is no way on the format you want the blessing to take. Your husband has done the important one of agreeing to the traditional wedding ceremony where your bride price has been paid in line with our customs and tradition. It gives you protection under our native laws and customs act. 

In your shoes, I would settle for the registry. Spiritualism is what we live with everyday and at any rate, in the court, you are jointed together according to the religion you practice. 

Marriage itself is a spiritual arrangement which means from the day two people become one, they have entered into a spiritual bond. 

If it is grandiose of a wedding ceremony you want, you still have the cake, reception, gaiety of the church wedding ceremony. It is a matter of you planning the reception at a venue of your choice with all the wedding train. There is no limit to what you can do with a court wedding. It is a matter of using your imagination and observing the laws governing the serenity of the registry. 

I understand that like the average woman, you want your wedding to be a day to remember. It all comes within the package. It is a matter of accommodating the wish of your husband first and planning the kind of reception you have always wanted.

To ensure you understand what his point really is, discuss with him. Know what his misgiving really is to avoid you making a grievous mistake in your marriage. Understanding why he is against having all the three wedding ceremonies would help you too know the kind of after wedding ceremony to plan. Whatever decision you make at the end of the day, ensure you take your husband along even if he has given the authorisation to make your choice. It is your day as well as his so make it a joint event. It is the only way to tell him that he remains supreme in your life and that you intend consulting him on any matter in your home. One of the greatest secrets to a successful marriage is to personalise it by refusing to follow the crowd.

In addition, commit your decisions and thoughts to God always to avoid disappointments that come from human knowledge and wisdom.

Good luck. 

She doesn’t show remorse over wrong deed…

Dear Agatha,
There is this young lady I desired to marry this year, but who suggested we wait till next year when she would have graduated. 

Two months ago, we had a misunderstanding which led to cutting off communication between us for a month and five days. Within that period, I kept sending her allowance and weekly airtime in line with my routine. The only response I get from her is a cold “thank you” sms.  Some few weeks back, on a Saturday, I drove from Umuahia where I stopped over in her school in Enugu to pick her home, because they’d closed for the session. I got to her school gate just 30 minutes after she left school. I got this information from one of the security men in the school that I often contact.   Immediately, I called her number to inform her that I was at her school gate to take her home. She replied by asking me why I came. I asked where she was so I could come to pick her there. She told me she was somewhere watching a football match. I asked her where, and she kept asking me why I was asking her and why it’s now my business to call her. I told her I would wait for her at her school gate for 30 minutes. To my surprise she bluntly told me, I should come to Nsukka the next day if I wanted to see her because that’s when she would be home.

 After waiting for 30 minutes by the school gate, I called her aunty in Enugu to ask if she was there. The aunty said she wasn’t there. I also called her mother in Nsukka and father in Abuja to know when she told them she would be coming back home. They both told me, the next day. 

After waiting for 45 minutes at the school gate without a sign of her, I left. I slept in Enugu that night and went back to Umuahia the next day. When I got to Umuahia, I called her father to explain what transpired between his daughter and me. He promised to travel to Nsukka the next day to see her. He must have done that, because she has been sending me text messages since then.  My problem with her is that she is very stubborn and known for her unapologetic nature. Not once has she ever apologised to me, not even when she is wrong in this relationship. I have told my sister who introduced the two of us.

Chuks. 

Dear Chuks, 

One of the most difficult things to do in life is to build a successful relationship. Don’t forget both of you are coming from different backgrounds, homes, beliefs and family traditions. Besides, you both have your different personalities that must first go through distilling if other aspects of a relationship have to be tackled.  Good enough, you are familiar with her nature: that she is stubborn and finds it difficult to apologise. The thing is how far are you ready to go with this aspect of her? At this critical junction, you must be realistic enough to know that no matter how much you desire some changes in her, she won’t be able to let go of some of her character just like you too would find it difficult to let go some aspects of your person.  Problems often come in a relationship when couple delude into thinking that their mate would change after a while. Yes, her father may have succeeded for now in getting her to send you these text messages, which to you represent apology, but be real enough to know that this is an aspect of the person you love. It is a vital part of the whole person that she is. Overtime, you will find it difficult to go to her father for help. 

The logical question you should ask yourself now is whether you cope forever with this side of her? Don’t pretend because you would eventually get to that point where you wouldn’t be able to pretend or tolerate the situation anymore. 

But preparing yourself for the possibility of living with this part of her would go a long way in determining how you would both manage your affairs with minimal interference from third parties.  The vital question to ask yourself now: do you have the patience and strength to cope with her kind of person? Can you tolerate living with a woman who is as stubborn as she is and who doesn’t see anything wrong in whatever she does? Do you have the kind of maturity and state of mind to always ignore her and absorb the heat when you both have a disagreement?

An honest answer to these questions would help point you at the direction you should go.  If you don’t pretend about a situation today, it wouldn’t become a burden tomorrow. Be bold enough to admit to your limitations as a human being. We all get to a point in a situation where our elasticity as a human being would snap beyond repairs. But to prevent that situation, we must learn to be honest about her abilities because this journey and decision is for a long-term project. Go to God in prayers because He has arranged everything concerning us to honour His name in our lives. 

Good luck. 

Both HIV positive, but he makes our love deal awry

Dear Agatha, 

I am a woman living with HIV. I have turned down many offers for marriage because of this. I have been unable to open up to any of the suitors coming my way. However, A concerned counsellor introduced me to a man also of the same status. He is 36 while I am 34. The idea was for us to see if we could have a life together as husband and wife. 

The relationship started well and I had reasons to think that he could just be the one. I played my part to ensure the success of the relationship. Somehow along the line, he became verbally and emotionally abusive. He would use unhealthy words and speak to me in very harsh tones. When I made a recap of the relationship, I realised it was no longer in sync with my idea of having a happy life and a happy death. I told him that it seems the relationship was not working that we should let it be -that it has probably served its purpose, but he wasn’t ready to let go. To my surprise, he promised to make amends, and because of the strong emotions I have for him too, I stayed back.

The relationship has gradually settled, but I must say that it is indeed unhealthy in my estimation. For almost a year that we have been dating, I have never received a single gift of whatever kind from him. I felt so starved at a point that I asked him to buy me a flower, only for him to ask me what I need it for. He never bought one for me. Eventually, I had to buy one for myself. 

He comes to my house, making demands on the kind of food he wants me to prepare for him. In fact, sometimes he does it ahead telling me the next time he comes he would like a particular food. Initially, I enjoyed cooking for him and all that, but he had never for once reciprocated even to buy fruits on his way to my house. He does not even appreciate my efforts, rather he would always complain of something that is not exactly right. He is highly temperamental and comes to me with all the frustrations he had encountered during the day and pours them on me. From the look of things, it is only a matter of time before he starts laying his fingers on me. 

I am so unhappy in the relationship right now, yet I have lost the power to call it quit. I no longer have a picture of the two of us beyond the present moment. I am beginning to lose my charm, charisma and confidence. Yet, I feel so trapped, unable to quit.

I sincerely need your advice.

Michelle.

Dear Michelle,

Why do you feel so helpless and unable to walk away from this relationship? Is it fear of finding a replacement for him? The worry of having to expose your status to another man who may end up running away from you once he gets to know your medical history? Is it that you are feeling sorry for yourself, blaming your status for the situation you are in and how life would have been different if you were negative? Why have you lost your will power? 

If these are your worries, perish the thoughts because there are very good men out there who wouldn’t worry one bit about your medical history if only you are willing to confide in them and trust them to love you for yourself. The truth about life is that nobody would pull us out of a situation if we were unwilling to help ourselves first. You must be bold, willing to be helped and develop the enabling trust in the person offering to help you to get out of your present predicament.

You must also stop feeling sorry for yourself because out there are millions of people you are better off. Sincerely you have no reason to be unhappy because you are alive and worthy in the sight of God and those who sincerely love you.

Whether you like it or not, you are in this quandary because you have unwittingly placed limitations on yourself. That you are positive doesn’t make you less than a woman or lacking in your God given right to be happy. Gone are the days when HIV was associated with promiscuity or a death sentence. People are better educated on it now and with daily advancement in modern medicine, can managed more effectively just like malaria. 

This man is taking advantage of you because he thinks you are limited in your choices and that he is doing you a favour by being in your life. You don’t have to condone it, because out there is a man waiting for a woman like you. To stay is to debit yourself and cut off your own happiness. 

If in this early stage he is already manifesting so much violence, what would become of the union as the days role by? All the time, God have His ways of protecting us from our own follies. You would only be compounding and compromising your health by staying longer than necessary in this relationship. 

It is very obvious that he neither has true inkling into your kind of person nor do you have an idea into what makes him happy. Circumstances forced you into this relationship; you would be wise not to allow the same circumstances rob you of your sense of value and dignity as a woman. You need a man who is sensitive and romantic in your life, not one who would scoff at the things that give you happiness. Only a man truly in love with you would understand what it takes to make you happy. 

Gently tell him you have had enough of him and that you would need space to think properly on the way forward. Don’t place limitations that God hasn’t placed on you by enduring an unhappy situation. God that created you made adequate provisions for your welfare and happiness. Don’t shortchange yourself by playing God in a matter you have no say in. This is the time you need Him the most, so key into His plans for you concerning matrimony by praying. 

The number of years you spend on earth is determined by the quality of happiness you allow to come into your life. This man isn’t worth giving up your own well-being and happiness for. Always remember there is always a silver lining at the end of each tunnel.

If you are worried at being alone in the early days of you separating from him, think of the long time emotional torture you would be courting if you elect to stay in this obviously unbalanced relationship?

From the tone of your letter, it appears you don’t have too many friends hence your desperation to be married at all cost. Life doesn’t work that way. Whatever may have informed your reason, accept the fact that no man is an island. At one time or the other, we come across situations in our lives when we would need a dependable friend to lean on. 

This is that time to draw strength from a good friend. You need this friend to help you focus on the important things in life. The important lesson here is not to rush into any relationship no matter how desirable it appears. 

You don’t have a problem to make you want to rush into anything. Relax and first get to know the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with by being friends with the next man that shows interest in you.  Find out if you are both on the same wavelength beyond the issue of wanting to get married at all cost. Giving yourselves the opportunity of discussing first as friends would take care of this kind of disappointments you are currently passing through. 

Importantly, don’t embark on something you know you cannot finish. You made a vital mistake by consistently tolerating the things you find irritating from the beginning. While there is nothing bad in you using your money to cook for him, he must also show a willingness to contribute to the union. 

Cherish every moment God gives you to be alive and make the best use of it. 

Good luck. 

Betrothed, uneducated…now carrying my baby

Dear Agatha, 

I read the mail published on August 18 by worried Kenneth and your response. The way you handled the issue is impressive and shows an intelligent understanding of matters pertaining to relationships. 

I have a very similar problem. I fell in love with a girl who went through secondary school but doesn’t know how to read and write. Needless to say, she didn’t pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examinations. 

When she gave birth to my daughter and I promised to marry her. However where we are having problem is on the issue of family.

Unknown to me, before we met, she was at an early age, betrothed by her family to a man of their choice but whom she rejected when she came of age.  Irrespective of her feelings, the family is committed to their promise to the other man. She didn’t tell me any of these things when we met until she became pregnant. When my family got to know, asked me to leave her but due to the love I have for her and that she is pregnant for me coupled with the fact that her parents are now dead, I decided to stay on until she gives birth. 

For over three years we have known each other, I have never regretted knowing her. She understands me very well but my fear is that the man in question is still single. Please help me. 

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

I sincerely don’t understand what kind of help you want because your case is a straightforward one. You have no business with the man. Your woman doesn’t have anything to do with the man too. Her parents who agreed with the man are dead. That the man is still single is his choice, not because there are no other women he can marry. 

Your wife knew nothing about the agreement her parents entered into on her behalf, because at the time they did she was still a minor. It would have been a different case, if she went into the agreement of her own freewill and let him high and dry when she met you. She didn’t do it because of you. She had turned him down long before she met you. The parents and not your wife are the ones who had an arrangement with the man. She cannot be held responsible under the laws of the land for the agreement entered into by her parents. They are the ones who collected things from him, if he gave them anything in the first place. 

But to be doubly sure that there is no outstanding debt her parents owe this man on account of the agreement they entered into on her behalf, let her go with him in company of an elder in her paternal family to refund whatever is outstanding to cut of any spiritual covenant her parents entered into with the man on her behalf. The idea is to cut off whatever spiritual rights the man may be exercising in anger over her.

Beyond this, marriage is a personal thing. The laws of our land don’t give parents the right to marry off their minor daughters to men of their own choice.  Marriage is her right, the choice hers to make because she is the one who would have to live, endure, tolerate and make the sacrifices to make it work. Marriage is a very personal thing. The only way you can lose her is if you become cruel, irresponsible and lacking in respect for her.  The other man’s marital status isn’t your business or that of your woman.  What should be of concern to you is the baby on the way, how you are going to care for your wife and child. 

Much as it is desirable to get your parents on your side, don’t force them. Allow time embedded in the character of your woman do it for you. If they are convinced that she is as good as you say, they will eventually come to see her as a good wife. 

On the issue of her lack of quality education, there is no end to learning age. She can still sit for her O’level through the General Certificate of Examination. All she needs is determination that applies to everything in life. Once there is a will, there will always be a way. If you are not ashamed of her and willing to give her all the support to succeed, she will be able to overcome her limitations. We all need little encouragement in life to go the extra mile. 

However, you both must learn to commit your journey together in life to God who sees and knows all things. Listen constantly to Him, give in to His Will at all times because marriage is a journey of tolerance, patience, loyalty and faith in the God that brought the two of you together. 

Good luck. 

She’s bad tempered, threatens to break relationship

Dear Agatha,
As a regular reader of your column, I have been inspired by your great ability in solving relationship problems. I am currently a 23-year-old undergraduate and have been dating my girlfriend for almost six years. 

One thing I noticed about her is that she is rather a hard-headed girl who neither complies nor compromises whenever we have squabbles. Almost every time she would insist that I am at fault and I would have to be the so-called bad guy to plead for her forgiveness even though I feel pretty much obligated deep down in my heart. We have been trying to solve this issue peacefully and I have been working hard to let her know my feeling, but I get so disappointed at the end of the day because she just wouldn’t comply. What’s more heart-aching is the fact that she likes to use the term “breaking up” almost every time we quarrel even if it is just a small matter.
On top of that, she is short-tempered over little things. Personally I don’t mind the fact that she gets angry at me but the frequency at which she does it is beginning to bother me. She knows her greatest weapon to conquer me is her anger and because of this she is using it to the fullest. It makes me feel so hen-pecked to succumb to this rule of either she’s right or we break up. Seriously, I just can’t accept the latter because she means so much for me. But I don’t want to get hurt almost everyday in this relationship. I am in a serious dilemma, which I can’t share with anybody at all. I do have a family but I don’t have any best friend whom I can share with. There are some reasons I don’t want to share with my family because I don’t want them to see her in a negative light. 

Agatha, could you please advise me how to solve this issue? Thank you so much I really appreciate your time.   
David.

Dear David, 

A relationship is meant to be enjoyed. And one of the ingredients for its fulfillment as well as enjoyment is respect. No matter how deep your feelings for her are, you must make her appreciate her need to respect you always. Love comes with respect for our mates as well as for ourselves.

You may think you can cope with her attitude now but a time would come when you would require more from her. No matter how much you love her, it might not be enough to erase the psychological build-up of the negative effect of her attitude towards you. No matter how elastic our feelings are, when a bad situation persists, we could break completely not minding what the consequences are at the end of the day.

To prevent a situation of irreconcilable differences between the two of you, you need to sit her down to re-map your relationship with each other. As the man in this relationship, you must begin to act your role as the head of this relationship. Allow her to escape with constant threats of leaving you is not a solution rather, you are postponing doom’s day when something in you would rebel and completely reject her attitude. 

Sometime in life, resentment would creep in from your end when family and friends begin to mock your inability to organise your home effectively. We are products and subject to the dictates of our environment. Even when we don’t want to react, something in us propels reaction at an unnatural situation we have endured for years. 

Relationship that draws strength from threats cannot survive too long. Therefore, if you really love her and don’t want her out of your life, you have to help her understand that this attitude of hers would eventually hurt her. 

However, you have to understand something of her background to know where to come in. Chances are if her mother is the strong one in her family, she may not appreciate that she is doing anything wrong. Therefore, she would need more than one discussion to make her change her mind. You have to expose her to the kind of lifestyle that would educate her more than words from you on the need to treat the heart and related affairs with more caution. If this is the case, you will require patient and dedication to make her change from what she is now to what you want her to be.

It is also a sign of insecurity. A woman that is secure in the love and warmth of her man would not need threats to beat him into line. Secured people aren’t brash, manipulative or deploy threats to have things done their way.  If this is the case, you have to help her build the required confidence in herself as well as the relationship.

Do this by helping her appreciate that misunderstanding is part of a relationship. Help her understand that dialogue and not threats is what keeps a relationship together and that when a couple has a disagreement, it isn’t necessarily a bad sign but a positive evidence of growing the relationship. 

She has to see that you are no longer comfortable with the way she is conducting herself. If for six years, you have given her all the freedom and chance to change, the time has come for her to effect a change in her attitude towards you as well as the relationship. In plain terms let her know you are fed up of being constantly under threat of her leaving you. The best way to cure her of this habit is to call her bluff when next she threatens to go. You must understand that if she truly loves you, she won’t use threat on you constantly. You have to make up your mind on what you want from life and this relationship. Don’t for the sake of fear or being broken hearted continue to endure a situation you are not happy with especially as you would have to live with for the rest of your life with the decision you take now.  If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive, if not give God all the glory because He sees and knows what we don’t know.

Good luck. 

I’m lonely, want to remarry

Dear Agatha, 

I am in my late 40s. I am divorced with three children. I really crave to remarry because I simply cannot cope with being alone anymore. It got to a stage I started dating a man younger than I am, who incidentally is married, to fulfil my emotional yearnings as a woman. 

The night times are the worst. I have been divorced for five years yet find it difficult to live without the presence of a man in my life. For the sake of my children, I don’t want to sleep around hence my desire to remarry. I don’t want to break this other woman’s house hence my agreeing to marry this man who is also a divorcee. He is in his late 50s and has been divorced for almost a decade now. We were happy together until we brought our plans to marry to the attention of the leadership of the church. 

First it was the elders of the church who protested our desire to marry. Then the pastors who said it is against the standards of God. Even though some pastors feel we are old enough to be given the freedom to do as we please, the majority think we are going against the laws of God.

There is nothing we haven’t done to persuade the leadership of the church to allow us be but they are insisting we cannot marry because we still belong to others. The fact that our ex-spouses are married to other people and are having children appear not to hold any water with them.

I have been threatened to be relieved of my duties in church if I don’t drop the idea of remarrying. I know of some of these elders who claim to be married but are engaged in affairs.

I don’t want to pretend to be who I am not. I want to be happy and very honest about the kind of life I live. Already we live as man and wife. Our children are together and sincerely I find so much peace, the kind I never had with any man.

We have the support of our families, who have met and agreed on a date at the end of this month. But I don’t want to pretend at all hence my desire to have the marriage blessed in the church. Our children think we should change church if they don’t want us to be happy.

Agatha, please help me. Do we get married and forget about doing anything in the church or continue to function as an item while waiting for the church to make up its mind?

I am currently frustrated as I don’t know how to move forward. Even though my man has made up his mind to move ahead with our arrangements as well as call the bluff of the church, I am still hoping for an amiable settlement. I didn’t enjoy my first marriage, which was symbolized by violence, wickedness, as well as unhealthy intrigues between my in-laws, husband and I. 

What do you think?

Ibiyemi.

Dear Ibiyemi,

 

You are the one who knows what you are going through and acutely aware of your limitations as a human being. No matter what others say or do, you and your man have the final say on how you want your life to be shaped. It is a good thing you want to be honest about your own life. These people asking you to stay single don’t know how lonely you can get or how unfulfilled you are when they are with their spouses and you have to go home alone or the guilt of sleeping with another woman’s man. You are the only one who understands all the cocktails of emotional feelings you daily go through living your life without a vital part of you. 

Anybody who has been through the challenges of marriage knows how difficult and complicated the journey can be. Most times the packaging is the only attraction. To the pains and disappointment of many, the contents of that beautifully wrapped package is so ugly and unmanageable that they end up with regrets from the wee hours of the marriage.

At your age, you are more than old enough to determine what works for you. Granted, the Bible frowns at divorce, but the same Bible makes us understand that one is free if he or she married as an unbeliever. Besides, the Bible is full of wisdom. Nobody has the knowledge of God like God Himself. He sees and knows so many things we don’t know. His ways, He says, are not ours. From experience of life, the things we condemn the most end up being the wisest thing to do. If your various partners have gone ahead to seek happiness in the arms of other people, rather than soil your name and hands in immorality, please go ahead and do what is right. You are an adult used to having sex on demand; understandably, it won’t be easy for you especially if you never could get enough of it. Don’t allow anyone make you feel guilty or worthless spiritually simply because you refuse to play the ostrich like the others. It is your life and you have a right to be happy.

There are marriages that can be endured; there are some that cannot be endured. Only the living marry. You have to be alive, hale and hearty to give joy. When a marriage is laced with violence and wickedness anything can happen, including death. So many persons, especially women who could have been alive today but were told to endure very bad situations in their marriages, died in the process of doing the right thing in the eyes of the world.

Best to ignore what others are doing or saying and do whatever it is that makes you happy provided it keeps you morally upright. It is best to be married to your own man than to sleep around with other women’s husbands. If caught, the same people who are today insisting you shouldn’t marry would be the first to condemn your actions and would by then ask you why you didn’t consider remarrying. 

At your ages, you don’t owe anybody except God an apology for your decisions. God doesn’t want any of His children living in pains or immorality and that is why he made us in pairs. He knows the chemical contents in our bodies and that from time to time, we have to diffuse the potency of the chemical. 

Trust me, you are better than those others who claim to be married, sleep around and still sit in judgment over the affairs of others.

Rather than waste precious time pondering on what you have obviously made up your mind to do, concentrate on knowing more about this man. Do you see him giving the happiness you lacked in your previous union? The worst kind of thing that can happen to anyone is to walk into a second marriage of mistakes and regrets. Make sure this man respects you and is responsible enough to allow your children be. At this stage in your life, your companion must be your best friend, supporter and cheerleader. Ensure you and this man have the right ingredients to walk together for the rest of your life. The middle age crisis can be as messy as the early stage without you two sitting down to first discuss the mistake you each made in your first attempts, allowing the resentment of yesteryears fade away completely. Setting an agenda for your marriage and families, discussing the ground rules for your sets of children and resolving to make the sacrifices that must be made to protect this marriage, are things you must do to make your attempts worthwhile.

Importantly, don’t ever leave the presence of God whatever hassles you are going through. Submit each day to God through prayers. It is the only way to win a battle without regrets.

Good luck.

Re: Hints on successful relationship please

Dear Agatha
If there’s a Hall of Fame for world’s best relationship counsellor you could qualify for a permanent membership!
Would you believe me if I said this is first time I am moved by a piece written by a woman and was ‘tempted’ to reply back!
I would not be surprised if your inbox runs out of space for folks trying to reply your recent piece. I mean the one you offered the lady a set of ‘rules’ that can ensure her a place in her matrimonial home.
Now let’s talk about a fact that I know. 

Many women here in the United States would hoped their hubby never saw or read that article!
Going by my own experience and encounters, I think most of the women would see you as a bad ambassador to all of them -for making them look like a bunch of fruitcakes. 

Most ladies I know would rather end their marriage than meet their husband half-way in any issue.
Here in America, women rule! No wonder the divorce rate is over 80 percent for the black folks, and more than 10 percent of the remainder will never marry because they think to be humble or ‘submissive’ is tantamount to lowering their standard or selling themselves out... and the laws of the land here is on their side!
If I had the opportunity to read this kind of advice or suggestion ten years ago, I would not be in the market for a new wife, as I am today. 

I don’t know which of your advice to pin-point at, but the one in which you wrote that, women should know the limitation of themselves and that of their hubbies, hits a home run with me.
This is it. 

Men like me or can I say men who think like me do not really need much from our women.  Just the basics:  Let my food be ready when I get home, clean the house, take good care of the kids, and appreciate me!  

That’s all! If a woman can do those things for me, I get her back!  I would have no reason not to love her, and protect her, and make her happy, very happy.
But how many of these marriages minded ‘women’ can do just one of the chores above? Very few!

Recently, this issue came up, during a programme, on my local radio station, and the lady who called in was asked if she would cook dinner for her husband whenever he tells her to?  Her response was typical: “if I make as much or sometime more money as he makes, I see no reason why I should have to cook his dinner!”  No wonder many men these days have several eyes outside- because the women in their lives have outsourced their roles to the mistress outside.
I have clipped your piece and saved it on my hard drive, and if I am fortunate to find another woman to marry, I will let her read it. 

Perhaps the matrimonial bliss which I think is eluding me is now within my reach.
Thank for such a nice piece.
Omolaso.

I walked off… he caused our fruitless marriage

Dear Agatha, 

Many thanks for your sincere and unbiased way of advice to the public. I am a great fan of yours and would like to use this medium to seek your sincere advice.

I have been with my partner for seven years. We have had our ups and downs, sometimes necessitating us breaking up but we have survived it all up to this point. 

In all these years, I have never been pregnant. Expectedly, I have consulted so many fertility experts, gone through several tests and confirmed by all these doctors as medically fit to procreate. 

After each test I would be told to ask my husband do a semen test. On each occasion he has refused to do it, saying it is God that gives children, and that we should be prayerful since it is the enemy at work. At a point I had to plead with his friends to help me persuade him to go and see a doctor. He bluntly refused. In 2008, left with no choice, I went to report him to his uncle who agreed to have a talk with him. He eventually agreed to see a doctor. He was told he has a very low sperm count, the kind that cannot be rectified medically and that the only way we can be parents is to go for artificial insemination.

The doctor after his examination and verdict asked him if he didn’t know about his condition since we are based in Europe. Although he declined knowledge of his medical condition but the whole incident brought something up in my memory. I remember he was always saying each time I pressure him on the need to consult a medical doctor on the issue of our infertility he would say, doctors are in the habit of finding faults whenever he goes for complete medical tests. I became convinced that he knew all along that he was the one with the problem. 

He didn’t display any emotions of surprise or discomfort, instead when we got home, he made himself a delicious meal, eat it all while I was down worry about the piece of news we have just been offered by the doctor. 

I was worried with how we were going to save up the money for the option we have, but he didn’t seem to care at all.   

Despite this and other issues, I still decided to stay with him and by June last year, he paid my bride price.  Agatha, deep down in me, I’m a sad woman. Mostly he seeks advice from his friends and family members because, in his opinion, I don’t like him by refusing to tell him things he wants to hear. We have lost large sums of money due to his negligence. Mostly his family members are taking advantage of this to siphon money from him. Mostly, they tell him to send them money for one spiritual consultations or the other. They are forever telling him about different messages from various pastors.  

Sincerely, I am getting fed up of everything. I am in my mid 30s and don’t know what the future holds for us as a couple.  

In February this year we had a minor disagreement and he almost strangulate me. So I walked out of the marriage. He told his families and friends loads of lies about me but later started pleading when he knew I wasn’t going to bug.  

I kept our breakup from my family members because I consider it something of a shame. Besides I didn’t want people blaming me for my decision. Recently, I had to confide in my mother pleading with me to go back to my husband that marriage is for better and worse. Having given him so many chances in the past with the hope that he will change what he was I suppose to do? Agatha, was I wrong to have walk out of the marriage? Was it my fault? I can’t stop blaming myself. Please help me,

PP.

Dear PP, 

More often than not it is easier to blame others for our own faults and shortcoming. No matter the situation between the two of you now, you made the choice to marry him last year. 

This is not the typical situation where you would claim ignorance of his attitude and person. You lived with him for about six years before he paid your bride price last year. Therefore you went into this marriage with your eyes wide opened. From the moment you agreed to have him pay your bride price in June last year, you unwittingly entered into an agreement with yourself and God to abide with his manner of person.

It would have been a different case entirely if you didn’t know anything about him; wasn’t aware of his medical problem, habit of consulting his family and friends on matters that should ideally remain between the two of you. You knew all about this and still decided to marry him. Violence doesn’t manifest in a day. There is no way you can say this is his first time of violating you physically. It must be one of the things you know about him. If you didn’t protest then why now? Has it got anything to do with your knowledge of his medical problem or the fact that he knew all along and hide the fact from you?

Honestly, I feel for you but there are a lot of issues tied to this situation you must critically examine before taking a final decision. 

The first is the complexity of marriage. As boyfriend and girlfriend, he could tolerate certain things from you, even endure some of your verbal attacks but as your husband, he now expects something more than that from you. He may not be willing to let go of his excesses but as his woman, he expects you to show him more respect. He may live abroad but his roots are firmly entrenched in the customs and traditions of his people. So be careful and mindful what you say to him or how you react. 

If you really want this marriage to succeed, you just must learn to be the woman while he the man. It isn’t about what you have done for him but what you both have done for each other. This is the marriage creed. 

This is the time for you to be very, very honest with yourself. Since knowing about his medical problem, how have you felt? Betrayed? Disappointed? Angry? Frustrated? Helpless? Don’t be ashamed to express your feelings because all these are natural. Except you are out to deceive yourself, you have gone through all these emotions and back. You probably have lost every respect for him as a man considering the emotional pains he subjected you to going through all those dehumanising medical examinations when he knew the truth all the while. 

You are only human if you behave rudely to him, less sensitive to his needs and lacking in respect for him. What you are going through is enough to make one behave out of character especially a woman whose biological clock is daily grinding to a halt. Out of these pains, you could have said one or two things to him to make him feel useless as a man; those things we women say when we are angry can make a man with his condition angry enough to want to kill the woman. Are you sure you didn’t out of the bitterness and seemingly helplessness of your situation say something to remind him of his inability to father a child the normal way? 

I am not saying it was right of him to get violent, but if you pause, rewind to that incident, can you honestly say you were not the harbinger of what happened that day? Bear in mind that this is also a very difficult time for him. In your presence, he doesn’t feel like a man anymore. He is battling with inner challenges and fear too that you now have a very good reason to leave him should you want to. Though extremely wrong, like a drowning man, he feels it is the only way to assert his authority as the head of the home. 

The panacea to dealing with this kind of problem in a marriage is first to allow the anger and frustration a free reign to flow. Don’t bottle up what you feel at all. Cry, shout, and allow all your feelings to come in the open. There is no stopping a raging storm from happening. Before you can see clearly, discuss your options with him, allow yourself to divest all those pent-up emotions to avoid you snapping at the slightest thing. Going home and refusing to discuss the results of the tests as well as your observations that he knew all these while isn’t a panacea. Both of you need to talk about all your fears immediately. Your current disagreement is the right opportunity to come out clean with all your anger and emotions. Let them come out. From your mail, it is obvious your disappointment in this man didn’t start today. Go back to the beginning. Don’t use cosmetic approach to solve this problem rather, be very realistic because what you fail to deal with now will never allow both of you have the desired happiness in this marriage. There is too much resentment for this man in your heart. It is only after you have done this, that you both can collectively discuss the future of the marriage as well as the options available to you. 

In all these, don’t ever forget the place of God, hence the need for you both to pray as a couple for divine answers.

Have you also tried investigating his claims that his problem is spiritual? Only a closer relationship with God can reveal the mystery of this. As the woman, it behooves you to stand in gap by asking God to lead you to where help is. 

If at the end of the day, it is purely medical, broaden your perspective by also considering adoption. Children, either biological or adopted are what we plant into them.

As for the issue of whether to go back to him or not, it is your choice but think of all the years of you have been together, the sacrifices as well as the first time you met. There is no perfect person but perfect will to succeed. Make up your mind what is important to you in your life and allow God’s will to prevail.

Good luck. 

Tired but leaving without harming her passion

Dear Agatha,

I write to appreciate you and express my gratitude for the help you have rendered me over the years through your column.

I am a graduate of Geology. While in school, I had a girlfriend I dated from my first year till I graduated. I actually loved this girl but if you can still recall my mail to you, I told you about this lady I am dating five years older than I.  Till date, she still doesn’t know that I have discovered her real age. The fact now is that I no longer love her, but don’t know how to tell her. The reason being that she loves me so much. I am afraid she may do something sinister to herself if she knows I have fallen out of love with her. 

Early this year, I tried to tell her how I now feel about her but she almost killed herself. I was forced to change my mind when her family members came to plead with me to come back to her.  

I was shocked when I saw her because she lost weight considerably. I am back with her, though on a compassionate ground. I don’t love her. The question now is how do I tell her it’s actually all over, because since she has refused to take the hints in my behaviour towards her.

Confused Guy.

Dear Confused Guy,

In her shoes, how would you feel if a woman you dated for almost five years turns around to dump you without any obvious reason? You had always known she is older than you but gave her hope that you would be with her for the rest of her life. Sincerely, it won’t be easy for her to cope because the two of you have always been together right from your first year to the end of your time in the school. 

Irrespective of the reason you are giving for wanting to end the relationship, your history won’t be complete without a mention of her name. For this reason, learn to be truthful with her. You would be doing her more harm by staying with her when you know deep down there is no future between the two of you. 

She must learn to live without you. No viable relationship can be nurtured when all you feel for her is compassion. You must love her to be able to tolerate her, appreciate her uniqueness as well as make the necessary sacrifices for her. If you continue to delay in telling her, you are making amicable resolution impossible and damaging her for any other man. Don’t forget that being five years older than you, she doesn’t have the liberty of time like you. Having graduated from school, her mind is more focused on the future, which means getting married. Being the only man in her life all these years, it is only natural for her to plan around you. Don’t allow the mistake you have made all this while to persist any longer. You have left the decision too long. Even though she lied to you about her age, you should have told her about your findings, confronted her with what you found out about her age. Had you done that, you would have been justified in walking away from her at that point.

But having waited this long to tell her, you have to apply good wisdom to avert emotional crisis in your hands. Frankly the focus has changed from whether she was right in not telling you the truth concerning her age at the beginning to the merit of you walking out on her at the point she seems to need you the most.

At this point, don’t go to her directly. Go to members of her family instead. Tell them the whole story of your meeting; the plans you had when you both started and how those feelings have changed dramatically through the years. Be honest enough to tell them why you are no longer comfortable with the relationship. It is pertinent to make them understand that prevailing on you to stay on with her is not a solution because you would eventually walk away from it all since your mind is made up.  There is no way they can force you to stay on because at the end of day, it would affect the quality of life their daughter would have with you. They came to you because they fear for her happiness, but when the choice is between helping her cope with the present situation and living a lifetime of unhappiness, I am sure, they would prefer her to have a lifetime of happiness than saving her from her current situation. 

The lesson in all these is for you to be firm in your judgement at all times. If you were very honest with yourself and this woman, this situation would have been prevented. Don’t begin something you cannot finish else you end up with more complex situations as a result. When you found out about her real age, you should have addressed the issue then and not procrastinated till the last moment.

Good luck.