Dear Agatha,
I am a woman living with HIV. I have turned down many offers for marriage because of this. I have been unable to open up to any of the suitors coming my way. However, A concerned counsellor introduced me to a man also of the same status. He is 36 while I am 34. The idea was for us to see if we could have a life together as husband and wife.
The relationship started well and I had reasons to think that he could just be the one. I played my part to ensure the success of the relationship. Somehow along the line, he became verbally and emotionally abusive. He would use unhealthy words and speak to me in very harsh tones. When I made a recap of the relationship, I realised it was no longer in sync with my idea of having a happy life and a happy death. I told him that it seems the relationship was not working that we should let it be -that it has probably served its purpose, but he wasn’t ready to let go. To my surprise, he promised to make amends, and because of the strong emotions I have for him too, I stayed back.
The relationship has gradually settled, but I must say that it is indeed unhealthy in my estimation. For almost a year that we have been dating, I have never received a single gift of whatever kind from him. I felt so starved at a point that I asked him to buy me a flower, only for him to ask me what I need it for. He never bought one for me. Eventually, I had to buy one for myself.
He comes to my house, making demands on the kind of food he wants me to prepare for him. In fact, sometimes he does it ahead telling me the next time he comes he would like a particular food. Initially, I enjoyed cooking for him and all that, but he had never for once reciprocated even to buy fruits on his way to my house. He does not even appreciate my efforts, rather he would always complain of something that is not exactly right. He is highly temperamental and comes to me with all the frustrations he had encountered during the day and pours them on me. From the look of things, it is only a matter of time before he starts laying his fingers on me.
I am so unhappy in the relationship right now, yet I have lost the power to call it quit. I no longer have a picture of the two of us beyond the present moment. I am beginning to lose my charm, charisma and confidence. Yet, I feel so trapped, unable to quit.
I sincerely need your advice.
Michelle.
Dear Michelle,
Why do you feel so helpless and unable to walk away from this relationship? Is it fear of finding a replacement for him? The worry of having to expose your status to another man who may end up running away from you once he gets to know your medical history? Is it that you are feeling sorry for yourself, blaming your status for the situation you are in and how life would have been different if you were negative? Why have you lost your will power?
If these are your worries, perish the thoughts because there are very good men out there who wouldn’t worry one bit about your medical history if only you are willing to confide in them and trust them to love you for yourself. The truth about life is that nobody would pull us out of a situation if we were unwilling to help ourselves first. You must be bold, willing to be helped and develop the enabling trust in the person offering to help you to get out of your present predicament.
You must also stop feeling sorry for yourself because out there are millions of people you are better off. Sincerely you have no reason to be unhappy because you are alive and worthy in the sight of God and those who sincerely love you.
Whether you like it or not, you are in this quandary because you have unwittingly placed limitations on yourself. That you are positive doesn’t make you less than a woman or lacking in your God given right to be happy. Gone are the days when HIV was associated with promiscuity or a death sentence. People are better educated on it now and with daily advancement in modern medicine, can managed more effectively just like malaria.
This man is taking advantage of you because he thinks you are limited in your choices and that he is doing you a favour by being in your life. You don’t have to condone it, because out there is a man waiting for a woman like you. To stay is to debit yourself and cut off your own happiness.
If in this early stage he is already manifesting so much violence, what would become of the union as the days role by? All the time, God have His ways of protecting us from our own follies. You would only be compounding and compromising your health by staying longer than necessary in this relationship.
It is very obvious that he neither has true inkling into your kind of person nor do you have an idea into what makes him happy. Circumstances forced you into this relationship; you would be wise not to allow the same circumstances rob you of your sense of value and dignity as a woman. You need a man who is sensitive and romantic in your life, not one who would scoff at the things that give you happiness. Only a man truly in love with you would understand what it takes to make you happy.
Gently tell him you have had enough of him and that you would need space to think properly on the way forward. Don’t place limitations that God hasn’t placed on you by enduring an unhappy situation. God that created you made adequate provisions for your welfare and happiness. Don’t shortchange yourself by playing God in a matter you have no say in. This is the time you need Him the most, so key into His plans for you concerning matrimony by praying.
The number of years you spend on earth is determined by the quality of happiness you allow to come into your life. This man isn’t worth giving up your own well-being and happiness for. Always remember there is always a silver lining at the end of each tunnel.
If you are worried at being alone in the early days of you separating from him, think of the long time emotional torture you would be courting if you elect to stay in this obviously unbalanced relationship?
From the tone of your letter, it appears you don’t have too many friends hence your desperation to be married at all cost. Life doesn’t work that way. Whatever may have informed your reason, accept the fact that no man is an island. At one time or the other, we come across situations in our lives when we would need a dependable friend to lean on.
This is that time to draw strength from a good friend. You need this friend to help you focus on the important things in life. The important lesson here is not to rush into any relationship no matter how desirable it appears.
You don’t have a problem to make you want to rush into anything. Relax and first get to know the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with by being friends with the next man that shows interest in you. Find out if you are both on the same wavelength beyond the issue of wanting to get married at all cost. Giving yourselves the opportunity of discussing first as friends would take care of this kind of disappointments you are currently passing through.
Importantly, don’t embark on something you know you cannot finish. You made a vital mistake by consistently tolerating the things you find irritating from the beginning. While there is nothing bad in you using your money to cook for him, he must also show a willingness to contribute to the union.
Cherish every moment God gives you to be alive and make the best use of it.
Good luck.
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