I’m lonely, want to remarry

Dear Agatha, 

I am in my late 40s. I am divorced with three children. I really crave to remarry because I simply cannot cope with being alone anymore. It got to a stage I started dating a man younger than I am, who incidentally is married, to fulfil my emotional yearnings as a woman. 

The night times are the worst. I have been divorced for five years yet find it difficult to live without the presence of a man in my life. For the sake of my children, I don’t want to sleep around hence my desire to remarry. I don’t want to break this other woman’s house hence my agreeing to marry this man who is also a divorcee. He is in his late 50s and has been divorced for almost a decade now. We were happy together until we brought our plans to marry to the attention of the leadership of the church. 

First it was the elders of the church who protested our desire to marry. Then the pastors who said it is against the standards of God. Even though some pastors feel we are old enough to be given the freedom to do as we please, the majority think we are going against the laws of God.

There is nothing we haven’t done to persuade the leadership of the church to allow us be but they are insisting we cannot marry because we still belong to others. The fact that our ex-spouses are married to other people and are having children appear not to hold any water with them.

I have been threatened to be relieved of my duties in church if I don’t drop the idea of remarrying. I know of some of these elders who claim to be married but are engaged in affairs.

I don’t want to pretend to be who I am not. I want to be happy and very honest about the kind of life I live. Already we live as man and wife. Our children are together and sincerely I find so much peace, the kind I never had with any man.

We have the support of our families, who have met and agreed on a date at the end of this month. But I don’t want to pretend at all hence my desire to have the marriage blessed in the church. Our children think we should change church if they don’t want us to be happy.

Agatha, please help me. Do we get married and forget about doing anything in the church or continue to function as an item while waiting for the church to make up its mind?

I am currently frustrated as I don’t know how to move forward. Even though my man has made up his mind to move ahead with our arrangements as well as call the bluff of the church, I am still hoping for an amiable settlement. I didn’t enjoy my first marriage, which was symbolized by violence, wickedness, as well as unhealthy intrigues between my in-laws, husband and I. 

What do you think?

Ibiyemi.

Dear Ibiyemi,

 

You are the one who knows what you are going through and acutely aware of your limitations as a human being. No matter what others say or do, you and your man have the final say on how you want your life to be shaped. It is a good thing you want to be honest about your own life. These people asking you to stay single don’t know how lonely you can get or how unfulfilled you are when they are with their spouses and you have to go home alone or the guilt of sleeping with another woman’s man. You are the only one who understands all the cocktails of emotional feelings you daily go through living your life without a vital part of you. 

Anybody who has been through the challenges of marriage knows how difficult and complicated the journey can be. Most times the packaging is the only attraction. To the pains and disappointment of many, the contents of that beautifully wrapped package is so ugly and unmanageable that they end up with regrets from the wee hours of the marriage.

At your age, you are more than old enough to determine what works for you. Granted, the Bible frowns at divorce, but the same Bible makes us understand that one is free if he or she married as an unbeliever. Besides, the Bible is full of wisdom. Nobody has the knowledge of God like God Himself. He sees and knows so many things we don’t know. His ways, He says, are not ours. From experience of life, the things we condemn the most end up being the wisest thing to do. If your various partners have gone ahead to seek happiness in the arms of other people, rather than soil your name and hands in immorality, please go ahead and do what is right. You are an adult used to having sex on demand; understandably, it won’t be easy for you especially if you never could get enough of it. Don’t allow anyone make you feel guilty or worthless spiritually simply because you refuse to play the ostrich like the others. It is your life and you have a right to be happy.

There are marriages that can be endured; there are some that cannot be endured. Only the living marry. You have to be alive, hale and hearty to give joy. When a marriage is laced with violence and wickedness anything can happen, including death. So many persons, especially women who could have been alive today but were told to endure very bad situations in their marriages, died in the process of doing the right thing in the eyes of the world.

Best to ignore what others are doing or saying and do whatever it is that makes you happy provided it keeps you morally upright. It is best to be married to your own man than to sleep around with other women’s husbands. If caught, the same people who are today insisting you shouldn’t marry would be the first to condemn your actions and would by then ask you why you didn’t consider remarrying. 

At your ages, you don’t owe anybody except God an apology for your decisions. God doesn’t want any of His children living in pains or immorality and that is why he made us in pairs. He knows the chemical contents in our bodies and that from time to time, we have to diffuse the potency of the chemical. 

Trust me, you are better than those others who claim to be married, sleep around and still sit in judgment over the affairs of others.

Rather than waste precious time pondering on what you have obviously made up your mind to do, concentrate on knowing more about this man. Do you see him giving the happiness you lacked in your previous union? The worst kind of thing that can happen to anyone is to walk into a second marriage of mistakes and regrets. Make sure this man respects you and is responsible enough to allow your children be. At this stage in your life, your companion must be your best friend, supporter and cheerleader. Ensure you and this man have the right ingredients to walk together for the rest of your life. The middle age crisis can be as messy as the early stage without you two sitting down to first discuss the mistake you each made in your first attempts, allowing the resentment of yesteryears fade away completely. Setting an agenda for your marriage and families, discussing the ground rules for your sets of children and resolving to make the sacrifices that must be made to protect this marriage, are things you must do to make your attempts worthwhile.

Importantly, don’t ever leave the presence of God whatever hassles you are going through. Submit each day to God through prayers. It is the only way to win a battle without regrets.

Good luck.