She doesn’t show remorse over wrong deed…

Dear Agatha,
There is this young lady I desired to marry this year, but who suggested we wait till next year when she would have graduated. 

Two months ago, we had a misunderstanding which led to cutting off communication between us for a month and five days. Within that period, I kept sending her allowance and weekly airtime in line with my routine. The only response I get from her is a cold “thank you” sms.  Some few weeks back, on a Saturday, I drove from Umuahia where I stopped over in her school in Enugu to pick her home, because they’d closed for the session. I got to her school gate just 30 minutes after she left school. I got this information from one of the security men in the school that I often contact.   Immediately, I called her number to inform her that I was at her school gate to take her home. She replied by asking me why I came. I asked where she was so I could come to pick her there. She told me she was somewhere watching a football match. I asked her where, and she kept asking me why I was asking her and why it’s now my business to call her. I told her I would wait for her at her school gate for 30 minutes. To my surprise she bluntly told me, I should come to Nsukka the next day if I wanted to see her because that’s when she would be home.

 After waiting for 30 minutes by the school gate, I called her aunty in Enugu to ask if she was there. The aunty said she wasn’t there. I also called her mother in Nsukka and father in Abuja to know when she told them she would be coming back home. They both told me, the next day. 

After waiting for 45 minutes at the school gate without a sign of her, I left. I slept in Enugu that night and went back to Umuahia the next day. When I got to Umuahia, I called her father to explain what transpired between his daughter and me. He promised to travel to Nsukka the next day to see her. He must have done that, because she has been sending me text messages since then.  My problem with her is that she is very stubborn and known for her unapologetic nature. Not once has she ever apologised to me, not even when she is wrong in this relationship. I have told my sister who introduced the two of us.

Chuks. 

Dear Chuks, 

One of the most difficult things to do in life is to build a successful relationship. Don’t forget both of you are coming from different backgrounds, homes, beliefs and family traditions. Besides, you both have your different personalities that must first go through distilling if other aspects of a relationship have to be tackled.  Good enough, you are familiar with her nature: that she is stubborn and finds it difficult to apologise. The thing is how far are you ready to go with this aspect of her? At this critical junction, you must be realistic enough to know that no matter how much you desire some changes in her, she won’t be able to let go of some of her character just like you too would find it difficult to let go some aspects of your person.  Problems often come in a relationship when couple delude into thinking that their mate would change after a while. Yes, her father may have succeeded for now in getting her to send you these text messages, which to you represent apology, but be real enough to know that this is an aspect of the person you love. It is a vital part of the whole person that she is. Overtime, you will find it difficult to go to her father for help. 

The logical question you should ask yourself now is whether you cope forever with this side of her? Don’t pretend because you would eventually get to that point where you wouldn’t be able to pretend or tolerate the situation anymore. 

But preparing yourself for the possibility of living with this part of her would go a long way in determining how you would both manage your affairs with minimal interference from third parties.  The vital question to ask yourself now: do you have the patience and strength to cope with her kind of person? Can you tolerate living with a woman who is as stubborn as she is and who doesn’t see anything wrong in whatever she does? Do you have the kind of maturity and state of mind to always ignore her and absorb the heat when you both have a disagreement?

An honest answer to these questions would help point you at the direction you should go.  If you don’t pretend about a situation today, it wouldn’t become a burden tomorrow. Be bold enough to admit to your limitations as a human being. We all get to a point in a situation where our elasticity as a human being would snap beyond repairs. But to prevent that situation, we must learn to be honest about her abilities because this journey and decision is for a long-term project. Go to God in prayers because He has arranged everything concerning us to honour His name in our lives. 

Good luck. 

Both HIV positive, but he makes our love deal awry

Dear Agatha, 

I am a woman living with HIV. I have turned down many offers for marriage because of this. I have been unable to open up to any of the suitors coming my way. However, A concerned counsellor introduced me to a man also of the same status. He is 36 while I am 34. The idea was for us to see if we could have a life together as husband and wife. 

The relationship started well and I had reasons to think that he could just be the one. I played my part to ensure the success of the relationship. Somehow along the line, he became verbally and emotionally abusive. He would use unhealthy words and speak to me in very harsh tones. When I made a recap of the relationship, I realised it was no longer in sync with my idea of having a happy life and a happy death. I told him that it seems the relationship was not working that we should let it be -that it has probably served its purpose, but he wasn’t ready to let go. To my surprise, he promised to make amends, and because of the strong emotions I have for him too, I stayed back.

The relationship has gradually settled, but I must say that it is indeed unhealthy in my estimation. For almost a year that we have been dating, I have never received a single gift of whatever kind from him. I felt so starved at a point that I asked him to buy me a flower, only for him to ask me what I need it for. He never bought one for me. Eventually, I had to buy one for myself. 

He comes to my house, making demands on the kind of food he wants me to prepare for him. In fact, sometimes he does it ahead telling me the next time he comes he would like a particular food. Initially, I enjoyed cooking for him and all that, but he had never for once reciprocated even to buy fruits on his way to my house. He does not even appreciate my efforts, rather he would always complain of something that is not exactly right. He is highly temperamental and comes to me with all the frustrations he had encountered during the day and pours them on me. From the look of things, it is only a matter of time before he starts laying his fingers on me. 

I am so unhappy in the relationship right now, yet I have lost the power to call it quit. I no longer have a picture of the two of us beyond the present moment. I am beginning to lose my charm, charisma and confidence. Yet, I feel so trapped, unable to quit.

I sincerely need your advice.

Michelle.

Dear Michelle,

Why do you feel so helpless and unable to walk away from this relationship? Is it fear of finding a replacement for him? The worry of having to expose your status to another man who may end up running away from you once he gets to know your medical history? Is it that you are feeling sorry for yourself, blaming your status for the situation you are in and how life would have been different if you were negative? Why have you lost your will power? 

If these are your worries, perish the thoughts because there are very good men out there who wouldn’t worry one bit about your medical history if only you are willing to confide in them and trust them to love you for yourself. The truth about life is that nobody would pull us out of a situation if we were unwilling to help ourselves first. You must be bold, willing to be helped and develop the enabling trust in the person offering to help you to get out of your present predicament.

You must also stop feeling sorry for yourself because out there are millions of people you are better off. Sincerely you have no reason to be unhappy because you are alive and worthy in the sight of God and those who sincerely love you.

Whether you like it or not, you are in this quandary because you have unwittingly placed limitations on yourself. That you are positive doesn’t make you less than a woman or lacking in your God given right to be happy. Gone are the days when HIV was associated with promiscuity or a death sentence. People are better educated on it now and with daily advancement in modern medicine, can managed more effectively just like malaria. 

This man is taking advantage of you because he thinks you are limited in your choices and that he is doing you a favour by being in your life. You don’t have to condone it, because out there is a man waiting for a woman like you. To stay is to debit yourself and cut off your own happiness. 

If in this early stage he is already manifesting so much violence, what would become of the union as the days role by? All the time, God have His ways of protecting us from our own follies. You would only be compounding and compromising your health by staying longer than necessary in this relationship. 

It is very obvious that he neither has true inkling into your kind of person nor do you have an idea into what makes him happy. Circumstances forced you into this relationship; you would be wise not to allow the same circumstances rob you of your sense of value and dignity as a woman. You need a man who is sensitive and romantic in your life, not one who would scoff at the things that give you happiness. Only a man truly in love with you would understand what it takes to make you happy. 

Gently tell him you have had enough of him and that you would need space to think properly on the way forward. Don’t place limitations that God hasn’t placed on you by enduring an unhappy situation. God that created you made adequate provisions for your welfare and happiness. Don’t shortchange yourself by playing God in a matter you have no say in. This is the time you need Him the most, so key into His plans for you concerning matrimony by praying. 

The number of years you spend on earth is determined by the quality of happiness you allow to come into your life. This man isn’t worth giving up your own well-being and happiness for. Always remember there is always a silver lining at the end of each tunnel.

If you are worried at being alone in the early days of you separating from him, think of the long time emotional torture you would be courting if you elect to stay in this obviously unbalanced relationship?

From the tone of your letter, it appears you don’t have too many friends hence your desperation to be married at all cost. Life doesn’t work that way. Whatever may have informed your reason, accept the fact that no man is an island. At one time or the other, we come across situations in our lives when we would need a dependable friend to lean on. 

This is that time to draw strength from a good friend. You need this friend to help you focus on the important things in life. The important lesson here is not to rush into any relationship no matter how desirable it appears. 

You don’t have a problem to make you want to rush into anything. Relax and first get to know the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with by being friends with the next man that shows interest in you.  Find out if you are both on the same wavelength beyond the issue of wanting to get married at all cost. Giving yourselves the opportunity of discussing first as friends would take care of this kind of disappointments you are currently passing through. 

Importantly, don’t embark on something you know you cannot finish. You made a vital mistake by consistently tolerating the things you find irritating from the beginning. While there is nothing bad in you using your money to cook for him, he must also show a willingness to contribute to the union. 

Cherish every moment God gives you to be alive and make the best use of it. 

Good luck. 

Betrothed, uneducated…now carrying my baby

Dear Agatha, 

I read the mail published on August 18 by worried Kenneth and your response. The way you handled the issue is impressive and shows an intelligent understanding of matters pertaining to relationships. 

I have a very similar problem. I fell in love with a girl who went through secondary school but doesn’t know how to read and write. Needless to say, she didn’t pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examinations. 

When she gave birth to my daughter and I promised to marry her. However where we are having problem is on the issue of family.

Unknown to me, before we met, she was at an early age, betrothed by her family to a man of their choice but whom she rejected when she came of age.  Irrespective of her feelings, the family is committed to their promise to the other man. She didn’t tell me any of these things when we met until she became pregnant. When my family got to know, asked me to leave her but due to the love I have for her and that she is pregnant for me coupled with the fact that her parents are now dead, I decided to stay on until she gives birth. 

For over three years we have known each other, I have never regretted knowing her. She understands me very well but my fear is that the man in question is still single. Please help me. 

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

I sincerely don’t understand what kind of help you want because your case is a straightforward one. You have no business with the man. Your woman doesn’t have anything to do with the man too. Her parents who agreed with the man are dead. That the man is still single is his choice, not because there are no other women he can marry. 

Your wife knew nothing about the agreement her parents entered into on her behalf, because at the time they did she was still a minor. It would have been a different case, if she went into the agreement of her own freewill and let him high and dry when she met you. She didn’t do it because of you. She had turned him down long before she met you. The parents and not your wife are the ones who had an arrangement with the man. She cannot be held responsible under the laws of the land for the agreement entered into by her parents. They are the ones who collected things from him, if he gave them anything in the first place. 

But to be doubly sure that there is no outstanding debt her parents owe this man on account of the agreement they entered into on her behalf, let her go with him in company of an elder in her paternal family to refund whatever is outstanding to cut of any spiritual covenant her parents entered into with the man on her behalf. The idea is to cut off whatever spiritual rights the man may be exercising in anger over her.

Beyond this, marriage is a personal thing. The laws of our land don’t give parents the right to marry off their minor daughters to men of their own choice.  Marriage is her right, the choice hers to make because she is the one who would have to live, endure, tolerate and make the sacrifices to make it work. Marriage is a very personal thing. The only way you can lose her is if you become cruel, irresponsible and lacking in respect for her.  The other man’s marital status isn’t your business or that of your woman.  What should be of concern to you is the baby on the way, how you are going to care for your wife and child. 

Much as it is desirable to get your parents on your side, don’t force them. Allow time embedded in the character of your woman do it for you. If they are convinced that she is as good as you say, they will eventually come to see her as a good wife. 

On the issue of her lack of quality education, there is no end to learning age. She can still sit for her O’level through the General Certificate of Examination. All she needs is determination that applies to everything in life. Once there is a will, there will always be a way. If you are not ashamed of her and willing to give her all the support to succeed, she will be able to overcome her limitations. We all need little encouragement in life to go the extra mile. 

However, you both must learn to commit your journey together in life to God who sees and knows all things. Listen constantly to Him, give in to His Will at all times because marriage is a journey of tolerance, patience, loyalty and faith in the God that brought the two of you together. 

Good luck. 

She’s bad tempered, threatens to break relationship

Dear Agatha,
As a regular reader of your column, I have been inspired by your great ability in solving relationship problems. I am currently a 23-year-old undergraduate and have been dating my girlfriend for almost six years. 

One thing I noticed about her is that she is rather a hard-headed girl who neither complies nor compromises whenever we have squabbles. Almost every time she would insist that I am at fault and I would have to be the so-called bad guy to plead for her forgiveness even though I feel pretty much obligated deep down in my heart. We have been trying to solve this issue peacefully and I have been working hard to let her know my feeling, but I get so disappointed at the end of the day because she just wouldn’t comply. What’s more heart-aching is the fact that she likes to use the term “breaking up” almost every time we quarrel even if it is just a small matter.
On top of that, she is short-tempered over little things. Personally I don’t mind the fact that she gets angry at me but the frequency at which she does it is beginning to bother me. She knows her greatest weapon to conquer me is her anger and because of this she is using it to the fullest. It makes me feel so hen-pecked to succumb to this rule of either she’s right or we break up. Seriously, I just can’t accept the latter because she means so much for me. But I don’t want to get hurt almost everyday in this relationship. I am in a serious dilemma, which I can’t share with anybody at all. I do have a family but I don’t have any best friend whom I can share with. There are some reasons I don’t want to share with my family because I don’t want them to see her in a negative light. 

Agatha, could you please advise me how to solve this issue? Thank you so much I really appreciate your time.   
David.

Dear David, 

A relationship is meant to be enjoyed. And one of the ingredients for its fulfillment as well as enjoyment is respect. No matter how deep your feelings for her are, you must make her appreciate her need to respect you always. Love comes with respect for our mates as well as for ourselves.

You may think you can cope with her attitude now but a time would come when you would require more from her. No matter how much you love her, it might not be enough to erase the psychological build-up of the negative effect of her attitude towards you. No matter how elastic our feelings are, when a bad situation persists, we could break completely not minding what the consequences are at the end of the day.

To prevent a situation of irreconcilable differences between the two of you, you need to sit her down to re-map your relationship with each other. As the man in this relationship, you must begin to act your role as the head of this relationship. Allow her to escape with constant threats of leaving you is not a solution rather, you are postponing doom’s day when something in you would rebel and completely reject her attitude. 

Sometime in life, resentment would creep in from your end when family and friends begin to mock your inability to organise your home effectively. We are products and subject to the dictates of our environment. Even when we don’t want to react, something in us propels reaction at an unnatural situation we have endured for years. 

Relationship that draws strength from threats cannot survive too long. Therefore, if you really love her and don’t want her out of your life, you have to help her understand that this attitude of hers would eventually hurt her. 

However, you have to understand something of her background to know where to come in. Chances are if her mother is the strong one in her family, she may not appreciate that she is doing anything wrong. Therefore, she would need more than one discussion to make her change her mind. You have to expose her to the kind of lifestyle that would educate her more than words from you on the need to treat the heart and related affairs with more caution. If this is the case, you will require patient and dedication to make her change from what she is now to what you want her to be.

It is also a sign of insecurity. A woman that is secure in the love and warmth of her man would not need threats to beat him into line. Secured people aren’t brash, manipulative or deploy threats to have things done their way.  If this is the case, you have to help her build the required confidence in herself as well as the relationship.

Do this by helping her appreciate that misunderstanding is part of a relationship. Help her understand that dialogue and not threats is what keeps a relationship together and that when a couple has a disagreement, it isn’t necessarily a bad sign but a positive evidence of growing the relationship. 

She has to see that you are no longer comfortable with the way she is conducting herself. If for six years, you have given her all the freedom and chance to change, the time has come for her to effect a change in her attitude towards you as well as the relationship. In plain terms let her know you are fed up of being constantly under threat of her leaving you. The best way to cure her of this habit is to call her bluff when next she threatens to go. You must understand that if she truly loves you, she won’t use threat on you constantly. You have to make up your mind on what you want from life and this relationship. Don’t for the sake of fear or being broken hearted continue to endure a situation you are not happy with especially as you would have to live with for the rest of your life with the decision you take now.  If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive, if not give God all the glory because He sees and knows what we don’t know.

Good luck. 

I’m lonely, want to remarry

Dear Agatha, 

I am in my late 40s. I am divorced with three children. I really crave to remarry because I simply cannot cope with being alone anymore. It got to a stage I started dating a man younger than I am, who incidentally is married, to fulfil my emotional yearnings as a woman. 

The night times are the worst. I have been divorced for five years yet find it difficult to live without the presence of a man in my life. For the sake of my children, I don’t want to sleep around hence my desire to remarry. I don’t want to break this other woman’s house hence my agreeing to marry this man who is also a divorcee. He is in his late 50s and has been divorced for almost a decade now. We were happy together until we brought our plans to marry to the attention of the leadership of the church. 

First it was the elders of the church who protested our desire to marry. Then the pastors who said it is against the standards of God. Even though some pastors feel we are old enough to be given the freedom to do as we please, the majority think we are going against the laws of God.

There is nothing we haven’t done to persuade the leadership of the church to allow us be but they are insisting we cannot marry because we still belong to others. The fact that our ex-spouses are married to other people and are having children appear not to hold any water with them.

I have been threatened to be relieved of my duties in church if I don’t drop the idea of remarrying. I know of some of these elders who claim to be married but are engaged in affairs.

I don’t want to pretend to be who I am not. I want to be happy and very honest about the kind of life I live. Already we live as man and wife. Our children are together and sincerely I find so much peace, the kind I never had with any man.

We have the support of our families, who have met and agreed on a date at the end of this month. But I don’t want to pretend at all hence my desire to have the marriage blessed in the church. Our children think we should change church if they don’t want us to be happy.

Agatha, please help me. Do we get married and forget about doing anything in the church or continue to function as an item while waiting for the church to make up its mind?

I am currently frustrated as I don’t know how to move forward. Even though my man has made up his mind to move ahead with our arrangements as well as call the bluff of the church, I am still hoping for an amiable settlement. I didn’t enjoy my first marriage, which was symbolized by violence, wickedness, as well as unhealthy intrigues between my in-laws, husband and I. 

What do you think?

Ibiyemi.

Dear Ibiyemi,

 

You are the one who knows what you are going through and acutely aware of your limitations as a human being. No matter what others say or do, you and your man have the final say on how you want your life to be shaped. It is a good thing you want to be honest about your own life. These people asking you to stay single don’t know how lonely you can get or how unfulfilled you are when they are with their spouses and you have to go home alone or the guilt of sleeping with another woman’s man. You are the only one who understands all the cocktails of emotional feelings you daily go through living your life without a vital part of you. 

Anybody who has been through the challenges of marriage knows how difficult and complicated the journey can be. Most times the packaging is the only attraction. To the pains and disappointment of many, the contents of that beautifully wrapped package is so ugly and unmanageable that they end up with regrets from the wee hours of the marriage.

At your age, you are more than old enough to determine what works for you. Granted, the Bible frowns at divorce, but the same Bible makes us understand that one is free if he or she married as an unbeliever. Besides, the Bible is full of wisdom. Nobody has the knowledge of God like God Himself. He sees and knows so many things we don’t know. His ways, He says, are not ours. From experience of life, the things we condemn the most end up being the wisest thing to do. If your various partners have gone ahead to seek happiness in the arms of other people, rather than soil your name and hands in immorality, please go ahead and do what is right. You are an adult used to having sex on demand; understandably, it won’t be easy for you especially if you never could get enough of it. Don’t allow anyone make you feel guilty or worthless spiritually simply because you refuse to play the ostrich like the others. It is your life and you have a right to be happy.

There are marriages that can be endured; there are some that cannot be endured. Only the living marry. You have to be alive, hale and hearty to give joy. When a marriage is laced with violence and wickedness anything can happen, including death. So many persons, especially women who could have been alive today but were told to endure very bad situations in their marriages, died in the process of doing the right thing in the eyes of the world.

Best to ignore what others are doing or saying and do whatever it is that makes you happy provided it keeps you morally upright. It is best to be married to your own man than to sleep around with other women’s husbands. If caught, the same people who are today insisting you shouldn’t marry would be the first to condemn your actions and would by then ask you why you didn’t consider remarrying. 

At your ages, you don’t owe anybody except God an apology for your decisions. God doesn’t want any of His children living in pains or immorality and that is why he made us in pairs. He knows the chemical contents in our bodies and that from time to time, we have to diffuse the potency of the chemical. 

Trust me, you are better than those others who claim to be married, sleep around and still sit in judgment over the affairs of others.

Rather than waste precious time pondering on what you have obviously made up your mind to do, concentrate on knowing more about this man. Do you see him giving the happiness you lacked in your previous union? The worst kind of thing that can happen to anyone is to walk into a second marriage of mistakes and regrets. Make sure this man respects you and is responsible enough to allow your children be. At this stage in your life, your companion must be your best friend, supporter and cheerleader. Ensure you and this man have the right ingredients to walk together for the rest of your life. The middle age crisis can be as messy as the early stage without you two sitting down to first discuss the mistake you each made in your first attempts, allowing the resentment of yesteryears fade away completely. Setting an agenda for your marriage and families, discussing the ground rules for your sets of children and resolving to make the sacrifices that must be made to protect this marriage, are things you must do to make your attempts worthwhile.

Importantly, don’t ever leave the presence of God whatever hassles you are going through. Submit each day to God through prayers. It is the only way to win a battle without regrets.

Good luck.

Re: Hints on successful relationship please

Dear Agatha
If there’s a Hall of Fame for world’s best relationship counsellor you could qualify for a permanent membership!
Would you believe me if I said this is first time I am moved by a piece written by a woman and was ‘tempted’ to reply back!
I would not be surprised if your inbox runs out of space for folks trying to reply your recent piece. I mean the one you offered the lady a set of ‘rules’ that can ensure her a place in her matrimonial home.
Now let’s talk about a fact that I know. 

Many women here in the United States would hoped their hubby never saw or read that article!
Going by my own experience and encounters, I think most of the women would see you as a bad ambassador to all of them -for making them look like a bunch of fruitcakes. 

Most ladies I know would rather end their marriage than meet their husband half-way in any issue.
Here in America, women rule! No wonder the divorce rate is over 80 percent for the black folks, and more than 10 percent of the remainder will never marry because they think to be humble or ‘submissive’ is tantamount to lowering their standard or selling themselves out... and the laws of the land here is on their side!
If I had the opportunity to read this kind of advice or suggestion ten years ago, I would not be in the market for a new wife, as I am today. 

I don’t know which of your advice to pin-point at, but the one in which you wrote that, women should know the limitation of themselves and that of their hubbies, hits a home run with me.
This is it. 

Men like me or can I say men who think like me do not really need much from our women.  Just the basics:  Let my food be ready when I get home, clean the house, take good care of the kids, and appreciate me!  

That’s all! If a woman can do those things for me, I get her back!  I would have no reason not to love her, and protect her, and make her happy, very happy.
But how many of these marriages minded ‘women’ can do just one of the chores above? Very few!

Recently, this issue came up, during a programme, on my local radio station, and the lady who called in was asked if she would cook dinner for her husband whenever he tells her to?  Her response was typical: “if I make as much or sometime more money as he makes, I see no reason why I should have to cook his dinner!”  No wonder many men these days have several eyes outside- because the women in their lives have outsourced their roles to the mistress outside.
I have clipped your piece and saved it on my hard drive, and if I am fortunate to find another woman to marry, I will let her read it. 

Perhaps the matrimonial bliss which I think is eluding me is now within my reach.
Thank for such a nice piece.
Omolaso.

I walked off… he caused our fruitless marriage

Dear Agatha, 

Many thanks for your sincere and unbiased way of advice to the public. I am a great fan of yours and would like to use this medium to seek your sincere advice.

I have been with my partner for seven years. We have had our ups and downs, sometimes necessitating us breaking up but we have survived it all up to this point. 

In all these years, I have never been pregnant. Expectedly, I have consulted so many fertility experts, gone through several tests and confirmed by all these doctors as medically fit to procreate. 

After each test I would be told to ask my husband do a semen test. On each occasion he has refused to do it, saying it is God that gives children, and that we should be prayerful since it is the enemy at work. At a point I had to plead with his friends to help me persuade him to go and see a doctor. He bluntly refused. In 2008, left with no choice, I went to report him to his uncle who agreed to have a talk with him. He eventually agreed to see a doctor. He was told he has a very low sperm count, the kind that cannot be rectified medically and that the only way we can be parents is to go for artificial insemination.

The doctor after his examination and verdict asked him if he didn’t know about his condition since we are based in Europe. Although he declined knowledge of his medical condition but the whole incident brought something up in my memory. I remember he was always saying each time I pressure him on the need to consult a medical doctor on the issue of our infertility he would say, doctors are in the habit of finding faults whenever he goes for complete medical tests. I became convinced that he knew all along that he was the one with the problem. 

He didn’t display any emotions of surprise or discomfort, instead when we got home, he made himself a delicious meal, eat it all while I was down worry about the piece of news we have just been offered by the doctor. 

I was worried with how we were going to save up the money for the option we have, but he didn’t seem to care at all.   

Despite this and other issues, I still decided to stay with him and by June last year, he paid my bride price.  Agatha, deep down in me, I’m a sad woman. Mostly he seeks advice from his friends and family members because, in his opinion, I don’t like him by refusing to tell him things he wants to hear. We have lost large sums of money due to his negligence. Mostly his family members are taking advantage of this to siphon money from him. Mostly, they tell him to send them money for one spiritual consultations or the other. They are forever telling him about different messages from various pastors.  

Sincerely, I am getting fed up of everything. I am in my mid 30s and don’t know what the future holds for us as a couple.  

In February this year we had a minor disagreement and he almost strangulate me. So I walked out of the marriage. He told his families and friends loads of lies about me but later started pleading when he knew I wasn’t going to bug.  

I kept our breakup from my family members because I consider it something of a shame. Besides I didn’t want people blaming me for my decision. Recently, I had to confide in my mother pleading with me to go back to my husband that marriage is for better and worse. Having given him so many chances in the past with the hope that he will change what he was I suppose to do? Agatha, was I wrong to have walk out of the marriage? Was it my fault? I can’t stop blaming myself. Please help me,

PP.

Dear PP, 

More often than not it is easier to blame others for our own faults and shortcoming. No matter the situation between the two of you now, you made the choice to marry him last year. 

This is not the typical situation where you would claim ignorance of his attitude and person. You lived with him for about six years before he paid your bride price last year. Therefore you went into this marriage with your eyes wide opened. From the moment you agreed to have him pay your bride price in June last year, you unwittingly entered into an agreement with yourself and God to abide with his manner of person.

It would have been a different case entirely if you didn’t know anything about him; wasn’t aware of his medical problem, habit of consulting his family and friends on matters that should ideally remain between the two of you. You knew all about this and still decided to marry him. Violence doesn’t manifest in a day. There is no way you can say this is his first time of violating you physically. It must be one of the things you know about him. If you didn’t protest then why now? Has it got anything to do with your knowledge of his medical problem or the fact that he knew all along and hide the fact from you?

Honestly, I feel for you but there are a lot of issues tied to this situation you must critically examine before taking a final decision. 

The first is the complexity of marriage. As boyfriend and girlfriend, he could tolerate certain things from you, even endure some of your verbal attacks but as your husband, he now expects something more than that from you. He may not be willing to let go of his excesses but as his woman, he expects you to show him more respect. He may live abroad but his roots are firmly entrenched in the customs and traditions of his people. So be careful and mindful what you say to him or how you react. 

If you really want this marriage to succeed, you just must learn to be the woman while he the man. It isn’t about what you have done for him but what you both have done for each other. This is the marriage creed. 

This is the time for you to be very, very honest with yourself. Since knowing about his medical problem, how have you felt? Betrayed? Disappointed? Angry? Frustrated? Helpless? Don’t be ashamed to express your feelings because all these are natural. Except you are out to deceive yourself, you have gone through all these emotions and back. You probably have lost every respect for him as a man considering the emotional pains he subjected you to going through all those dehumanising medical examinations when he knew the truth all the while. 

You are only human if you behave rudely to him, less sensitive to his needs and lacking in respect for him. What you are going through is enough to make one behave out of character especially a woman whose biological clock is daily grinding to a halt. Out of these pains, you could have said one or two things to him to make him feel useless as a man; those things we women say when we are angry can make a man with his condition angry enough to want to kill the woman. Are you sure you didn’t out of the bitterness and seemingly helplessness of your situation say something to remind him of his inability to father a child the normal way? 

I am not saying it was right of him to get violent, but if you pause, rewind to that incident, can you honestly say you were not the harbinger of what happened that day? Bear in mind that this is also a very difficult time for him. In your presence, he doesn’t feel like a man anymore. He is battling with inner challenges and fear too that you now have a very good reason to leave him should you want to. Though extremely wrong, like a drowning man, he feels it is the only way to assert his authority as the head of the home. 

The panacea to dealing with this kind of problem in a marriage is first to allow the anger and frustration a free reign to flow. Don’t bottle up what you feel at all. Cry, shout, and allow all your feelings to come in the open. There is no stopping a raging storm from happening. Before you can see clearly, discuss your options with him, allow yourself to divest all those pent-up emotions to avoid you snapping at the slightest thing. Going home and refusing to discuss the results of the tests as well as your observations that he knew all these while isn’t a panacea. Both of you need to talk about all your fears immediately. Your current disagreement is the right opportunity to come out clean with all your anger and emotions. Let them come out. From your mail, it is obvious your disappointment in this man didn’t start today. Go back to the beginning. Don’t use cosmetic approach to solve this problem rather, be very realistic because what you fail to deal with now will never allow both of you have the desired happiness in this marriage. There is too much resentment for this man in your heart. It is only after you have done this, that you both can collectively discuss the future of the marriage as well as the options available to you. 

In all these, don’t ever forget the place of God, hence the need for you both to pray as a couple for divine answers.

Have you also tried investigating his claims that his problem is spiritual? Only a closer relationship with God can reveal the mystery of this. As the woman, it behooves you to stand in gap by asking God to lead you to where help is. 

If at the end of the day, it is purely medical, broaden your perspective by also considering adoption. Children, either biological or adopted are what we plant into them.

As for the issue of whether to go back to him or not, it is your choice but think of all the years of you have been together, the sacrifices as well as the first time you met. There is no perfect person but perfect will to succeed. Make up your mind what is important to you in your life and allow God’s will to prevail.

Good luck. 

Tired but leaving without harming her passion

Dear Agatha,

I write to appreciate you and express my gratitude for the help you have rendered me over the years through your column.

I am a graduate of Geology. While in school, I had a girlfriend I dated from my first year till I graduated. I actually loved this girl but if you can still recall my mail to you, I told you about this lady I am dating five years older than I.  Till date, she still doesn’t know that I have discovered her real age. The fact now is that I no longer love her, but don’t know how to tell her. The reason being that she loves me so much. I am afraid she may do something sinister to herself if she knows I have fallen out of love with her. 

Early this year, I tried to tell her how I now feel about her but she almost killed herself. I was forced to change my mind when her family members came to plead with me to come back to her.  

I was shocked when I saw her because she lost weight considerably. I am back with her, though on a compassionate ground. I don’t love her. The question now is how do I tell her it’s actually all over, because since she has refused to take the hints in my behaviour towards her.

Confused Guy.

Dear Confused Guy,

In her shoes, how would you feel if a woman you dated for almost five years turns around to dump you without any obvious reason? You had always known she is older than you but gave her hope that you would be with her for the rest of her life. Sincerely, it won’t be easy for her to cope because the two of you have always been together right from your first year to the end of your time in the school. 

Irrespective of the reason you are giving for wanting to end the relationship, your history won’t be complete without a mention of her name. For this reason, learn to be truthful with her. You would be doing her more harm by staying with her when you know deep down there is no future between the two of you. 

She must learn to live without you. No viable relationship can be nurtured when all you feel for her is compassion. You must love her to be able to tolerate her, appreciate her uniqueness as well as make the necessary sacrifices for her. If you continue to delay in telling her, you are making amicable resolution impossible and damaging her for any other man. Don’t forget that being five years older than you, she doesn’t have the liberty of time like you. Having graduated from school, her mind is more focused on the future, which means getting married. Being the only man in her life all these years, it is only natural for her to plan around you. Don’t allow the mistake you have made all this while to persist any longer. You have left the decision too long. Even though she lied to you about her age, you should have told her about your findings, confronted her with what you found out about her age. Had you done that, you would have been justified in walking away from her at that point.

But having waited this long to tell her, you have to apply good wisdom to avert emotional crisis in your hands. Frankly the focus has changed from whether she was right in not telling you the truth concerning her age at the beginning to the merit of you walking out on her at the point she seems to need you the most.

At this point, don’t go to her directly. Go to members of her family instead. Tell them the whole story of your meeting; the plans you had when you both started and how those feelings have changed dramatically through the years. Be honest enough to tell them why you are no longer comfortable with the relationship. It is pertinent to make them understand that prevailing on you to stay on with her is not a solution because you would eventually walk away from it all since your mind is made up.  There is no way they can force you to stay on because at the end of day, it would affect the quality of life their daughter would have with you. They came to you because they fear for her happiness, but when the choice is between helping her cope with the present situation and living a lifetime of unhappiness, I am sure, they would prefer her to have a lifetime of happiness than saving her from her current situation. 

The lesson in all these is for you to be firm in your judgement at all times. If you were very honest with yourself and this woman, this situation would have been prevented. Don’t begin something you cannot finish else you end up with more complex situations as a result. When you found out about her real age, you should have addressed the issue then and not procrastinated till the last moment.

Good luck.

I’m in a fix, my Philippine lover pregnant

Dear Agatha,  

This issue has been disturbing me and making me weary of the future. I’m a Nigerian living in China, I met a Philippine lady who also resides in China through the Internet and we were always charting till one day she decided to visit me in the city I stay. We were happy to see for the first time and ended up making love.

Two days after, she went back to her city, a month later she informed me she was pregnant by me. I asked if she was sure the pregnancy was mine. She picked offence at my question. Thereafter, she refused to discuss the matter again even though we were always communicating.

Six months after, she told me she would be travelling to her country. With pains and tears, I asked her why, she told me that there was a secret she had been keeping away from me. However, she opened up to me that she was six months pregnant.

Seriously I was shocked and didn’t know what to do. I am not financially capable of discharging my responsibility as a father to a child in a foreign land. Besides, she is also a foreigner. I don’t know what to do.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

What is the confusion about? The issues you are raising now should have been put into consideration by you before having unprotected sex with her. When a man sleeps with a woman without protection or ensuring she is protected, he should expect to be a father anytime whether he is ready or not for the responsibilities that go with fatherhood. 

At the time you slept with her, didn’t you know she was a foreigner? Didn’t that factor in your consideration of her as your girlfriend? You saw in her a woman you liked and valued hence your willingness to have her in your life. If her nationality mattered to you at that point, you would have insisted on some form of protection before being intimate with her. 

What you should do is a simple matter of going to her side of the city to personally and discuss the matter with her. First, you must apologise to her for asking who the father of the unborn child is when she first told you about the pregnancy five months earlier. 

Responsibility isn’t just about having the money to execute your role as the father of the child, but acknowledging as well as accepting your own contributions to the situation. A woman doesn’t get pregnant by herself, but with the help of a man.  

Frankly, you didn’t act like a responsible man. No matter what you thought at that time, you erred by not insisting you both discussed the issue again. When a woman tells a man she is pregnant and refuses to discuss the matter again, the man should ask questions. Because you were running away from accepting responsibilities, you deliberately didn’t encourage her to talk about it. 

Rather than bemoan the fact that you aren’t ready for the challenges of being a father, why not begin to think of how you can make it easier on both of you by discussing your fears, limitations as well as plans for the future with her. From all indices, this woman isn’t expecting anything from you. Having kept the pregnancy for six months without telling you about it despite the fact that you communicate everyday, shows she is more than ready and able to function as the father and mother in the life of the child; an indication she isn’t expecting anything from your end.

If you allow this happen, you not only deny yourself the opportunity of being involved in the life of your child but might lose any right to claim the baby as yours either now or in the future.

Seeing her would enable you both come to a conclusion on the baby’s welfare. The secret about fatherhood is that no man ever has enough to kick-start a family, but when he begins with the little he has, God always steps in to provide the rest. All you have to do is to offer her what you have. What matters to women most time isn’t just the money but the presence of the man who has put them in the family way. 

During pregnancy, the woman is most vulnerable; feels bloated and unattractive even though she may actually be prettier than before. It is a psychological feeling which only the husband or the man who puts her in the condition can dispel. Whatever your situation is financially or otherwise, it behooves you to contribute in anyway to the welfare and progress of the pregnancy as well as the baby when it arrives. 

This is also not the right time to discuss the issue of her nationality with her. Don’t forget that you both found pleasure in each other’s company and that when it comes to love, what matters is the amount of happiness you are both getting from each other’s company. Besides, your current environment would certainly dictate the kinds of women you fall in love with.  Life is about making do with the choice we are presented with. For now, she is the choice of mother to your child. This is a fact you must accept and do everything you have to do to make it work. You not only owe it to the child but to yourself as a man. This is your first fruit, that child that tells the world that you are man in enough to father a child. 

Even if you have doubts about the paternity of the baby the responsible thing is to first accept it and do a DNA after birth if still convinced the child isn’t yours.

Good luck. 

I’m torn between my mum, pregnant love

Dear Agatha,

First, I have to thank you for the ways you have been helping people solve their emotional problems. 

I am a man of 30, the last of my mother’s six children. Being her last I was closest to her and her favourite. Back then I promised my mother I’d do anything to make her happy. Once she made me promise to marry a woman from our village, saying it would be the only thing that would keep her happy. 

I made her the promise. It was at the point I was travelling out of the village. I was 20 then. 

I later travelled out of the country to where I currently reside now. To keep the promise I made to my mother, I have been trying since then not to be in a serious relationship with any woman in this country. This is until I met this lady who is my age mate and the kind of woman I have always prayed to have in my life. One thing led to the other and now she is four months pregnant for me. 

Her family is fighting her for getting involved with a foreigner while I don’t want to betray the promise I made to my mother. On the other hand, I don’t want to betray the love of this lady who has sacrificed a lot for me. 

I am so confused. 

Nwa Chukwu.

Dear Nwa Chukwu, 

At 30, you are in the best of position to know what works for you. Besides, we are all subject to the intrigues and control of the environment we live in. while promises are meant to be kept, there are times God’s ways and desires overshadow what we think is best for us. 

And when it comes to the issue of relationships and marriages, only God has the right answers to the choices before us. More often than not, the person we think is wrong for us turns out to be the best. This is because God’s ways are never ours. Being our creator He has answers our earthly parents don’t have about us. 

I am sure your mother’s desire is to see you happy and live long to enjoy the fruits of your labour. 

The worst thing that can happen to any adult man or woman is to go into marriage with the wrong partner. Apart from torpedoing the dreams of many people, some have been known to die as a result of marrying the wrong person. 

God is forever in the business of re-arranging the things we think we want to suit His own order for us. 

You are one of the lucky men to have a woman who is ready to do anything to make her man happy. Most women these days are on the look out for what they can get from a man and not what they can give him. Your mother made you promise to marry someone from your village because it is what she is familiar with. In making you make that promise, she considered the familiarity of your culture, language and restrictions. Because the choice she made with your father worked, she can be forgiven to think that marrying a girl from your village would give you the same measure of happiness. But you and I know that just as she has a success story to tell, there are people too in your village who though married to locals are either divorced or living in constant regrets of the decision to marry the person they married.

Marriage is often not about where one is from but what one wants from life and the marriage. At this point, what do you both want from being with each other and from life generally? This is what should count now and not the fact that you are caught between the promise you made to your mother and your love for this girl.

At any rate, the issue has moved away from what your mother wants to the fact that she is four months pregnant with your child and your mother’s grandchild. Being her favourite child, she would be happy to see your grandchild, know that you are man enough to get a woman pregnant. 

I am sure she wouldn’t want you to throw away the first confirmation of your manhood. At any rate, a lot would depend on how you are able to package your girlfriend before your mother. Just like your mother is most likely to react, her family is already up in arms against her for the same reasons your mother made you promise to marry someone close to you. 

In both cases, fear is the underlining reason for the opposition. 

Thank goodness you are both old enough to make your decisions. At this point, there is the need for you to brave the storm and go with some of your friends to see her family to explain your mission to them. Let them know that despite coming from different cultures, you know what is expected of you as a man. By letting them know that not only do you plan to marry her, your love for her is genuine and that you plan to inform your people too of your desire to take her for a wife.

Whatever their reservations are, at least let them know you are responsible.

As for your mother, this kind of news is best delivered in person. So if you can afford it, come down to the country to personally inform your mother.  Being your mother, you know how best to break the news to her as well as soften her up sufficiently to listen first and debate it later. 

Do not break the news to her in person only if it is impossible for you to travel out of your host country immediately. Let your mother know that apart from the difference in culture, she has all the qualities she would wish in the woman who becomes your wife. The news about the pending baby should be thrown in when she becomes too stubborn to listen. 

However, ultimately, the choice is yours to make. You are the one who is going live with your eventual choice so be bold enough to take a firm stand on the matter putting into consideration that marriage is a complex venture which requires wisdom and understanding to go into. Nobody feels the discomfort of a shoe like the one putting it on. 

Just as you have obligations to your mother so do you have to this girl and the baby she is carrying. On a scale of 1-10, they come before your mother because they are your family, your eternity. I agree this is hard to accept but it is the naked reality. You can’t marry your mother, the things you can do with this girl, you can’t do with your mother despite being the one who gave birth to you. Your mother is married to the person of her choice and so should you. Irrespective of what civilisation brews, the family unit is still as relevant to the well-being of the child as it was in the dark ages. 

You have an obligation to this woman and child she is carrying. She needs you now more than ever before. This is the time she needs evidence of your love, especially as she is suffering rejection from her family. It isn’t what a man says to a woman before taking her to bed that matters, it is what he says and does after the deed is done that underscores a man’s true feelings for that woman. 

When issues get this complicated, develop the habit of going to God in prayers for His presence and direction in your life. He remains the source of your completeness and happiness as a human being as well as master of your own game in life. For a man who wants to succeed in marriage, never allow this slip through your fingers.

Good luck.