In addition to the issue of trust, she also bed-wets

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

 I have been reading your responses to issues on relationship and I must say, I have learnt a lot. Whenever, I read people’s stories, I’m baffled at how you manage but now, it is my turn to share my story.

 I met a lady at a friend’s wedding where I was the best man. I didn’t get her details not until five months after. We started dating and she told me about only her boyfriend who resides in Port Harcourt and how she wasn’t too keen on the relationship. I further inquired from her if she was dating any other person, she said, no. With this response, I believed and trusted her. However, I just ran a check on her phone and discovered she was discussing wedding with the guy in Port Harcourt. I also discovered the guys she claimed were just her friends were in fact more than that from the details of her chats with them.

 At one time in the course of our relationship, I asked if she had ever dated a married man, to which she replied in the positive but said she didn’t go as far as sleeping with the man.

The annoying part is the fact that the man is living very close to her street. All these, have made it difficult for me to trust her.

 However, recently she opened up to me about her past telling me how she slept with about three married men and countless number of single guys just because the guy she was dating then cheated on her at some point. She even talked about sleeping with her cousin at some point just to get back at her boyfriend and that she has had three abortions for the same guy.

 Although, she swore with her life as well as those of her unborn children, that she has never cheated on me since we started dating, I can’t really confirm or deny the truthfulness of this. I must say, I’m having second thoughts about the whole thing. While a certain part of me wants her, another part of me, is calling for caution and termination of the relationship.  

 To add to my confusion, she told me, she sometimes bed-wets. She is 25 years old. She said she came clean on her life story to enable me know what I am getting into.

 I really can’t think of what to do with her, whether to go ahead or not? My intentions are to marry her, a fact she is aware of. Kindly help me out.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man,

First and foremost, you had no right to go through her phone even if you are in a relationship. Just as you will never appreciate her going through your phone, don’t do it again. Despite all that you have found out about her, no relationship survives on suspicions. It is always better to confront challenges in a relationship as they come and not through sneaking through your partner’s phone or things.

Even among married couples, the phone is private to the owner, unless freely volunteered by the owner; the other person should try as much as possible to stay off.

As you have found out, going through private stuff of one’s partner can destroy an otherwise successful relationship as some messages can be read out of contents by the other party.

Whether men and women like it or not, being in a relationship or marriage for that matter, will not stop other people from expressing their interests. A test message from such an interested person could be interpreted by the other party as evidence of cheating on him or her whereas nothing of such is happening.

It is for this reason, couples should learn to stay clear of prying too much into items considered private property.

That you got away with it this time doesn’t make it right, whatever the shortcomings of your girlfriend are.

Having said that; appreciate her guts to come out with the truth, even though she initially didn’t tell you her story at the beginning of the relationship.

The fact that she confirmed what you glimpsed from her phone underscores a woman who has made up her mind to go straight.

Another woman would, despite the overwhelming evidences you gathered through her phone, denied everything and still accuse you of infringing on her privacy. She didn’t do that but chose to come clean with her past. The fact too that she could tell you about her problem of bedwetting, also signposts her as a young woman who has made up her mind about so many things in her life.

If she had wanted to deceive you, she wouldn’t have volunteered that particular information knowing how that piece of news can torpedo her relationship with you. You would agree with me, that more than the issue of the men in her life and her moral conduct, is the deep worry of having a wife who bed-wets.

I’m sure the moral aspect of her previous lifestyle you can gloss over but, the concern of managing a wife with her kind of challenge is the real reason you are deeply worried about the future of the relationship.

The way to solving this kind of challenge is not to hide behind other extraneous issues like you appear to be doing now.

Deep down, you know that for her to tell you everything about her past life means she is ready to settle down finally. No woman would make that kind of confession without knowing why she is doing it. She must have seen some elements of seriousness on your part as well as love to make her come clean with her past.

While not making excuses for her, she didn’t tell you at the beginning because she didn’t know what to expect as well as the selfish reason of not wanting you to go.

Sincerely, only a few women would tell a man she is just meeting that kind of story about her lifestyle. If she had told you the truth from the beginning, would you have given her a chance in your life? Be truthful.

Truth about human nature is that we all respond to emotional crisis differently. Unfortunately, innocent people end up becoming the victims of unpleasant past experiences.

Ironically too, she didn’t know she was destroying herself by her determination to get back at her boyfriend. This is what becomes of anyone who allows pains of rejection and disappointment becloud his or her reasoning.

To move on, you have also to be honest here. How much do you love her? How has the discovery of her previous lifestyle affected the person you fell in love with and want to marry? Haven’t you too done one or two things in the past that you are now ashamed of? Can you say you are perfect? It requires someone who is absolutely perfect to demand for perfection from another person.

Unless you are able to reason objectively, you may never be able to get round this issue and, forgive her of the mistake of not telling you at the beginning.

If you leave her now, it means her fears of concealing the truth from you at the beginning weren’t misplaced; just as the decision to share her past records with you, would appear misplaced, a fatal mistake that might send her into an emotional abyss she might never recover from.

This isn’t to say, you should not let her know, how hurt you are about her decision not to carry you along from the beginning. By all means, let her know what your fears are about her as well as the nagging issue of whether she would have told you if you didn’t read her messages. Making it clear that, your fear and anger with her are pegged on this, would help her realize the essence of being truthful at all times, even when the truth is difficult to uphold.

Explain to her, that her past life isn’t the issue here but that you are afraid from her conduct what other secrets she still hasn’t told you about which to you is a breach of the trust.

Help her to understand that you would need time to trust her again, which isn’t exactly easy on account of her concealment of sacred facts from you.

It is absolutely important she understands that you are not reacting to her former lifestyle but the very decision of her not telling you  from the beginning.

As for the issue of her bed-wetting; this certainly calls for the extreme in you. Do you love her enough to stand by her: take on this challenge of helping her overcome this?

I say extreme of you, because it is more than the usual kind of love.

Doubtless, she needs both medical and spiritual help. Ask her what kinds of solutions she has sort for the problem; as well as the origin of it. If she grew up with it, chances are it could be a medical problem and could also be spiritual.

You must first of all know what you are dealing with before you can make the decision of whether to stay or not. Nobody can make this decision for you since you would be wearing the shoes. But it would help you a great deal to be very rational to avoid regrets that come with rushed decisions.

Pray about it before taking whatever decision you deem fit.

Good luck.