He insists on birth control until I get a job

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,  Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha, 

There is this guy that proposed marriage to me who initially was anxious for me to meet with his mother. Unfortunately, she was of town within that period.

While in school and writing my final examinations, he would call me to come and cook for him. I didn’t mind since we were planning to spend the rest of our lives together. At a time I was really becoming worried about his plans for me since we spend most of our time holed in the house.

Finally, his mother came back and we went to see her. It didn’t go as I expected as she showed so much antagonism towards me. She went as far as making me understand that education in her opinion isn’t the ultimate or guarantee that I will end up becoming her daughter-in-law. 

She went further to tell me that I should go in search for a job in the civil service if I truly wanted to be her son’s wife. She said so many things, issued concealed threats as if she was the one who sent me to school. 

She also went on to say that a marriage between me and her son may not work since we come from different towns. 

To make matters worse, my boyfriend said he won’t walk down the aisle in any church; that he would only settle for the traditional marriage ceremony. 

He also said that, until I get a job, I must be on contraceptive. 

I’m tired of this relationship. I have stopped calling him as I used to. I’m extremely tired and want to end it all. Please advice me.

I’m 25 while he is 32.

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady,

It is obvious that you are going to be married to the man’s mother and not the man. Unless he is prepared to protect you from the manipulations and interferences of his mother, you may not really enjoy being married to him. This is because it takes more than love to sustain a marriage. It takes absolute determination and if the variables that make it convenient for either the man or woman to endure a certain kind of situation in a marriage are missing, it becomes almost impossible to keep the wheel rolling.

From your account, you already have a major issue with his mother who for reasons best known to her doesn’t appear to like you at all.

Perhaps, the worst is the inability of your boyfriend to stand up for you.

The conditions he is giving you on the issue of your pending marriage are indicative of a man who isn’t in charge of his mind. What man would tell the woman he desires to marry that she would be on contraceptive until she gets a job? What if it takes you forever to get a job? Does it mean you won’t have babies? When did getting a job become a condition for a married woman to get pregnant?

Does it mean he cannot sustain a family without you getting a job?

In a marriage, it is the man that makes the effort to provide for his family; the woman only offers support to her family and not to take on the entire responsibility unless the man finds himself without a job suddenly. To transfer the financial burden of the home to you at this nascent stage, going as far as tying procreation to your finances spells doom and a total aberration of what the marriage institution stands for. Without him categorically saying so, he has deliberately transferred the responsibility of the children to you hence his insistence you must get a job first before getting pregnant.

And why would he not want to take you to either the registry or church? Granted the traditional marriage is the most important under our cultural settings but, his stance also exposes your marriage to manipulation by the family, especially his mother, in the sense that under the native laws and customs, he is allowed to marry another wife; unlike under the statutory law, where he is allowed one wife recognized under the law.

If he decides to wed another woman under the statutory law, she would automatically upstage you as his legal wife. He is leaving this option opened to enable him wriggle out of any commitment to you in future which translates to one thing; this man has other plans that do not include you in his future so, be wary of this kind of arrangement.

What this man and his mother are offering you falls short of what any young lady should accept.

The guts of this offer shows that along the line, you may have also exhibited a certain kind of desperation that gives him the impression that without him, there is no you.

That may have stripped you of certain respect you deserve as the lady he is in love with.

Frankly, if you accept this kind of cold blooded business offer that goes for a marriage proposal, you would have denied yourself the chance to be happy and respected. Both mother and son; would view your acceptance as a certificate of authority to treat you as they like.

Learn to be reasonable with yourself else you risk going into a marriage you will never be happy in. No self respecting woman would accept this kind of proposal.

Call his bluff by calling off the relationship. If he wants you sufficiently in his life, he definitely would come back and you, the chance to give him a piece of your mind and renegotiate the conditions under which a stable relationship can grow between the two of you.

His job is to protect you not ally with his mother to make life difficult for you. If at this stage in your relationship, when he should be all over you, wooing you to come into his life, he has already manifested this kind of behavior, you will be deluding yourself that he would change in the future. There are certain kinds of problem, prayers won’t solve because God has already manifested the dangers ahead.

If you go on into this marriage, you will spend all your days fighting one form of war or the other and will only have yourself to blame for your folly.

A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. Be wise as a serpent in this matter. At 25, you are still young enough to attract a progressive minded man who will love and support you to become the kind of person you want to be.

Marriage is not enslavement; it is designed by God to give joy and fulfillment to a couple. Two must become one to move the ship forward. You can never become one with a man who is giving you these kinds of conditions.

When a woman comes to this crossroad in life, it behooves her to take the important retreat of going back to God for clear directives and a discerning spirit to choose right.

Next time he calls, accept his call and demand to see him so as to explain why you think this relationship isn’t going to work and what you intend to do with it.

One indisputable fact of life is, only one relationship, out of all the relationships we enter into will end up in marriage. So don’t feel bad if this relationship doesn’t work out. There is this proverb in Yoruba, that goes like this; one can endure a bad spouse but not bad in-laws since they will be the ones to cripple the marriage. If his mother is understanding and good intentioned, she will protest so many things on your behalf but in a situation where she is the one championing some of the issues, be careful because only a mother knows how best  to manipulate her child.

Good luck.