My mother has refused to bless my choice

Dear Agatha, I need your advice. I have been going out with this guy fir the past three years now, he was a Muslim then. He has how ever converted to our Christianity and I am hundred percent sure it is not those gimmicks some men play to hook the woman they admire. If I expected this piece of news to thrill my mother, I thought wrongly. Her excuse this time is that he is not a strong believer. Because of that, she refused to give us her consent to marry. What do you suggest? I do love him very much. Tina. Dear Tina. If what you feel for him is right; he makes you very happy, he understands your feelings and is ready to negotiate with you on certain areas dear to you, please go ahead. Granted a mother’s is blessing is very important but this is your life not hers. Your happiness is what is important at this critical time in your life. She made her choice with your father; you should also be allowed to make your choice and mistakes too. This is what life is all about. No matter how much she loves you, she cannot be the husband you need now. you have come to that important point in your life when you just must make the decision concerning the future. Someone has to love you for the cycle of life to continue. It is unfortunate she doesn’t like the form your love is taking but leaving the nest isn’t one that comes easy for some children. as her child, you must make her appreciate those things she cannot see in your man. The pride of a young woman is when men come to her marriage. She loses her self-esteem when she goes cap in hand begging to be married. Your mother has had her chance: she should allow you the opportunity of having yours. There is no relationship where mistakes are not made. What is important is how we overcome them. The joy and the peace you will experience with this man cannot be compared with what you feel for your mother. There is obviously something your mother is not saying. Implore her to tell you what the problem really is because you are finding her attitude strange. Unless her reason is something that cannot be ignored, go for him. We all come with our faults. I am sure there is something about you his family too cannot tolerate but which they have elected to overlook because of their son. His decision to change from the religion he was born into a strange one couldn’t have been an easy decision for him. There is no guessing the anger, pressure he is facing from his family over this decision. Your mother should appreciate hit gut not look for excuses to discourage him. How many Christian today are really converts? Rather than condemn him, he should be encouraged in his new faith. Whatever your decisions are, don’t be rude to your mother. Simply tell her politely what you intend doing and that you would very much appreciate if she refuses, don’t worry, once God is in favour of the relationship, go ahead. Continue to perform your obligation to your mother. One day, she would come to accepting him as her son. But be sure by asking God for His direction and help. Good luck

This isn’t the woman I married

Dear Agatha, How does one describe a woman who under the guise of going for a holiday abroad came back a different person? Since last year, I have heard stories of my wife of almost 25 years having affairs with boys her sons’ ages. You see Agatha, one gets to an age in life when one pretends not to notice or hear certain things. At 61, I have seen almost all the shades of life to be shocked. Between you and I, when these stories about my wife were coming, I at first didn’t believe them but I began to suspect when she started behaving in stranger manner. She was wearing clothes that left her behind exposed, I mean blouses that really didn’t cover her up. I am 11 years older than she is. At 50, she still looks beautiful and appealing in the kind of way women blessed with good body usually are at that age. Even when I thought they were right, I made up my mind to be fair to her. I too have had flings here and there. If she wanted to feel young, I figured, I should let her be. At my age, I was too experienced in the ways of men and women to bother myself with whatever she maybe have decided to do. Besides, it was the best way for me to handle my heart problem. I wasn’t ready to die over the decision of one woman, even if she is my wife to have a relationship outside our marriage. As long as she didn’t end up embarrassing me, kept it out of my sight and environs, I was ready to endure the marriage because as a wife and mother, she has really tried. But not even my resolve to look the other way prepared me for the latest development. Sometimes, I wonder if women ever think or know the implications of their decisions. My wife traveled to United kingdom to spend sometime with our daughter or so she said. Six weeks, she comes back looking 20 years younger courtesy of a dramatic plastic surgery she went for. She didn’t bother to inform me, ask for my opinion and permission before taking such a major decision. From her action, it is obvious to me that what I think no longer matters. Although in front of her people compliment her new looks, behind her, they mock us. As a matter of fact, her children too are embarrassed by her decision and a few of my friends have asked me why I allowed her get away with it. Sincerely, I have had it with her. I am really angry with everything and I am not impressed with her looks at all. Like her, I have also refused to discuss whatever she did to herself and refused to be seen together with her. I guess the reaction of the people around her must have gotten through to her because she no longer attends the family church; instead she now attends one of her friends’ church. I hope you don’t regard my question as an insult but what is it with you women? Why do women hurt the men who love them the most? What goes on in the mind of the average woman? Although my mind is made up about my marriage but I can’t help wondering if you women think at all. Roland. Dear Roland, Not at all! In the line of this job, I have learnt to understand the different feelings and emotions of everybody when going through one form of crisis or the other. I have become used to remarks like yours so I am not offended. It is logical, given your recent experiences. You must be going through a cocktail of emotions. I am at a crossroad on how best to handle this issue due to its multi-dimensional nature. However it calls for absolute patience. You must treat them individually. This way, you will be sure precisely what you are reacting to in this marriage. You also have to factor in the years you have both spent together; especially those years when she was much younger and more attractive. In doing this, you must also take into considerations your own contributions to the person she has become. Are you sure you didn’t help to make her the kind of woman she has become? In terms of attention and appreciation, how would you grade yourself? While I am not trying to give her an easy berth, the truth remains that we unwittingly weaken or sharpen the resolve of our partners to become total strangers to us. If she is having affairs at the age both of you should be recapping on your life together, finding the emotional and mental equilibrium to advance into middle age, then something is very wrong in all the years you have spent together so far. This is especially so if she has been faithful to you all these years. An old woman doesn’t learn new dance steps in her prime. Those women you were unfaithful with, how did they look? While you were in these relationships, how much time did you have for her and the children? Did you make her feel ugly, unwanted and unappreciated? Did you at any time bother about her sexual fantasies or just overrode her right of say? What kind of lover and husband were you? Were you a father and friend or a boss and tyrant? How did you bridge the gap of 11 years between the two of you? A lot of times, we focus more on the mistakes, the end product of our collective actions over the years and not on the issues that gave birth to the issues in the first place. Honestly, there is no way she could have simply made up her mind in her old age to misbehave. Years of endurance, silent suffering and deprivation must have changed her to this little monster before you. And this kind of problem doesn’t just go away. It isn’t by pretending you are matured about it or that you have seen all there are to see about life. No! It is about talking and reconciling your differences at the end of it all. Whatever you decide to do with the marriage, both of you must talk because you have too much at stake. Given your ages, forget about what she has done to her body, nothing can change the age of the mind, you have both reached that delicate stages in your life when a lot of thoughts and considerations go into every decision taken. Unlike in the past, when you can afford the gamble over a wrong decision, you cannot do that now. From this point any resolution must factor in the interest of others as well as its implications on everyone especially the children and grandchildren. Also, you have to consider your own health. At this age, what can you do on your own without a woman in your life? Yes, paid helps can take care of domestic chores, but what about your emotions and other little details which only a wife can do best? Call her irrespective of whatever you think her accumulated sins are. To make the discuss fruitful, suppress whatever anger or disappointment you feel towards her. Like you rightly said, we get to a stage in life when things that were so important assume less significance. She may not have done the surgery for the sake of other men but to get you to notice her after years of aching for it. By giving her the opportunity to pour out her heart, you make it easier for the both of you to subject your life together to proper scrutiny. Every marriage needs this kind of examination to help heal it from the effects of abuse we unwittingly subject our unions to. Many issues that come up in marriages are from taking each other for granted. A lot of couples assume that once the dotted lines are signed, the marriage can run itself to success. Unless the same efforts, devotion, interest, love, respect and attention is invested in making a marriage work, it soon runs into problem of rust. This kind of talk will also help you realise how you contributed to the problems you now blame her for. Importantly, it will help both of you realise in explicit terms the direction of the marriage. There is nothing that heals a bad marriage like a frank talk. At this point, don’t hide anything from her, including the bit about her extra marital affairs. It is only after this kind of talk that you can make the right kind of decision; because your perspective becomes clearer and more profound. If at the end of the day, there is something to salvage, don’t hesitate to give your marriage another chance. Like you admitted there is nothing strange any more about life that you haven’t seen. It isn’t just women who hurt the ones they love. It is a human thing. We tend to take those we love so much for granted; that the end of the day, we end up hurting them unknowingly that we do those we are not so close to. The average woman lives for her children and husband. She therefore goes into frenzy when the man in the centre of her life ignores her. This is why you have to be sure of the motive of your wife before condemning her. God will touch you both where you each need Him the most. Good luck.

My wife’s become too skinny for my liking

Dear Agatha, I am longer comfortable with my wife and it is affecting our marriage. My wife used to be on the plump side. It was one of the things I fell in love with her. She typified the traditional African woman, who has the curves in the right places. She didn’t add too much after our two children. At any rate, I wouldn’t have noticed because I was really crazy about her shape. I also didn’t hide this from her. When some of her friends were harping on slim being the in-thing now, I warned her not to follow the trend; assured her she wasn’t fat, but just right for an ideal woman. Unfortunately, she seems not to believe me because sometime last year she enrolled in a gym. She told me it was to maintain her figure. I grudgingly allowed her to continue but warned her against being slim. Now I can hardly recognise the woman I married as she is all bones. When I protested, she said it was the in-thing among her friends; that she doesn’t want to lose her husband. I reminded her that she doesn’t have problems with me on that score; that I want her the way she was. The issue now is I don’t want her anymore. I want her out of my life because she is beginning to repulse me. I no longer derive pleasure in her company. Much as I love her, I am no longer happy with her and very hurt by the fact that she preferred what her friends’ husbands think than what I feel about her. I don’t know what to do because we had a very happy marriage. She knows I have never liked skinny women. She has started to complain about my lack of interest in her, but there is no way I can ever be as close to her again in her present shape. I am really trying hard not to loathe her because once I get to that point, there will nothing more for me in the marriage. Please help me. I don’t know how to handle this challenge in my marriage of 12 years. Vincent. Dear Vincent, Since she is refusing to listen to you, she will listen to the friends she is copying. Report her to her friends, especially the ones you know are very responsible and would tell her the truth and tell them exactly what you have told me. Let them understand exactly how you feel about their friend’s disregard of your feelings as well as your intentions to end the marriage. Even if you don’t have that intention, letting it drop that you are actually contemplating ending it on account of her disobedience and the fact that you are no longer happy with her decision to alter her shape from what you like is enough danger signal to her. This information that you are thinking of ending the marriage will, no doubt, make her think twice about what is important to her. No woman would want to throw away 12 years of a happy marriage for the vanity of her looks. Doubtless, these friends would gather to talk sense into her head. When the chips are down, there is no contesting the fact; she knows the side her bread is most buttered. To force her hands the more, you could, for a week or so, play truancy from home. You could stay with a close friend or stay longer than necessary to give the impression that you are with someone else. Ensure at a particular time, you switch off your phone or allow it to ring endlessly. When you get home, tell her not to bother with food. No woman can withstand being ignored by her husband, who is coming late, refusing to answer his calls and not eating her food. Nothing will communicate your displeasure with her than this. She will be looking for ways of getting you to look her way, change your mind towards her. Once she gets to this point, open up and let her know how pained you are that she considers the opinion of her friends’ husbands more than yours. Every marriage has its low and high point. However, this development shows that your marriage isn’t as sound as it appears to be. Use this opportunity to listen to her also. Ask her what her problems are with the marriage. A good marriage is about harmonising your views and interests. For your happiness to be complete, you must also make out time to hear her out. Don’t forget she is the one with the body. You may like it and she doesn’t. It is a matter of meeting each other at a reasonable point. By deploying love, prayers, understanding and tolerance, you will achieve so much in this marriage. Good luck!

My ex turns out to be my sister’s fiancé

Dear Agatha, Please treat this as very urgent because I don’t have much time. I have only two weeks to confess or it would be too late. Years ago, when I was in England, I seduced one young man whom I eventually got pregnant for. Though 10 years younger than I am, I couldn’t help myself as he had all the qualities I wanted in a man so I planned it all by inviting him to my house. I knew it was not going to be easy convincing him to have a relationship with me since I was still married to the brother of his elder sister’s husband. It was one of those days when my husband went to France. I wore one of my sexiest nightgowns, which showed off my fantastic body. It didn’t take too long for him to capitulate. The relationship lasted for a year. It ended with my husband finding out about it when I became pregnant. He was very scared of the repercussion of accepting responsibility of the pregnancy. The shame of our relationship was too much for him; he left for Scotland. I went ahead to have the baby against the opinion of my friends and family members who expressed the view that I was taking it all too far. They didn’t understand my passion to have a baby when my last child was exactly 10 years old. To be frank, I didn’t understand it my self, I was ready to forfeit my marriage because of my passion for this boy and his child inside of me. Since I didn’t have his address or contact in Scotland, I bore all the expense of the baby on my own. My husband didn’t bother to come back to England. He along with our first and second sons settled in France, he allowed me to keep the youngest child; our only daughter, because of her age. Needless to say, my children and family were all disappointed in me but I was beyond caring. It was a burning desire to be loved, a satisfaction that I was still attractive enough to attract the attention of a young man and a handsome man too. Before the incident, my marriage and life was in comatose, my husband was either too tired to pay attention to me or too busy making money to care that I needed that special assurance only a man could give. The excitement in our life was missing, I tired discussing the decline in emotion satisfaction with him but he wasn’t listening. I had no choice but to follow the trend among women in England, having young lovers to give them what their husbands at home cannot give. For me, it was more than fun because I found for the first time that depth that I only imagined but never experienced. Well, I came back to Nigeria seven years after that incident to discover the man my sister is getting married to, to be the same man who is the father of my seven year old daughter. The mistake was made because nobody in my family knew him. All they knew about the incident was that I got pregnant and had a baby for a man. He met my sister in Nigeria five years ago. He did not tell her about his child or me. Seeing him again after all those years brought back my feelings. I went in search for him, and blackmailed him into sleeping with me. The reason I am writing to you is that he recently called my bluff, saying I could go to the roof top to tell the world about our affair and the child. Agatha. I am not selfish but I love him so much. I want him for myself. How do I make him understand this before he marries my sister? I also want my daughter to know who her father is. She has of recent started asking questions about her father. I want to inform my sister that her husband to be is my daughter’s father. What do you think I should do? Emi. Dear Emi, I hate to say this but your attitude leaves me with no choice; you are unfeeling and self-centered. These two ingredients have the ability to destroy any human being. You are only concerned about your self not caring about the consequences of your actions on the lives of the people around you. For instance, is your desire to introduce father and child really honorable or out of a selfish wish to destroy your sister and keep the man to yourself? While that child has a right to know who her father is, your objective is very wrong, your aim is to cause your sister and her man pains, which is a very callous thing to do. Although you claim your lack of emotional satisfaction is the bane of your infidelity, your current attitude shows there is more to it. It could be a psychological problem you are not aware of. Why else would you destroy your marriage, hurt you husband and children by going out with this man, getting pregnant for him and having his baby? If you had tired enough, using the same technique you used in luring that boy into your bed, you would still have been married and a happy woman. A lot of women overcame such problems because they admitted to it, sourced for solution within the walls of their homes. Had you taken the extra step, you would also have overcome. The selfishness in you made you go into that relationship and got pregnant without thinking for a second what kind of problem you were fermenting into the future of that child. Have you bothered to think of how that child would feel in the future to know that she was a product of a scandalous affair, one that led to the break up of your first marriage? One of such problems has already started to manifest. Her auntie’s would-be-husband is her father. How do you expect her, this auntie and her father to ever have a normal relationship? How do you expect her to relate with the children from such marriage? How is she going to cope with the embarrassment of such mixed up relationships? The poor child through no fault of hers would forever carry the grime of your carelessness and poor moral values. And why are you determined to destroy your sister’s happiness? Why are you hell bent on destroying everybody and thing because of this young man? Is he the only man in the world? What you feel for him is not love but a strange case of an emotional illusion that keeps urging you to self-destruction. Already, it has deadened your ability of fair reasoning. It is awakening in you something so passionately destructive; so much so it envelops you in a world that is just you and you alone. You just have to wake up from this damaging and unreal word of emotional downhill you have degenerated into before you really hurt yourself and further cause injury to members of your family. Nobody can do this for you. It is a matter of asking God to help you to remember what is wrong and what is good. Learn to do to others what you would want them to do to you. How would you feel if you are in your sister’s shoes? How do you want everyone in the family to react if they get to know you are blackmailing your sister’s fiancé to sleep with you? Even though that young man is weak, go and apologise to him for what you have done to him. You don’t have to stay around to witness the marriage if you cannot handle it emotionally. Look for an excuse to go back to England and put a respectable distance between you and him. Give your sister and her man the chance to be happy. It is the least you can do. For once, learn to put the interest of another person before yours. The presence of your child will never quite remove your shadow in their lives because your daughter would always be her stepdaughter irrespective of the relationship between the two of you. Don’t forget that your family members you embarrassed once, might not be too forgiving if you bring up the ashes of that inglorious past in a manner that would embarrass everybody and bring to memory events that have been left in the past. It is not your place to inform your sister about her fiance’s relationship with your daughter. Give him the right to tell your sister himself. Granted that she has to know but the decision of when to tell your sister is his’, not yours. Don’t get me wrong. Falling and being in love is a wonderful experience. It is peaceful, selfless and joyful experience but not this disastrous calamity you feel for this man. To find that peace you seem to be questing for, go to God for help and forgiveness. Go and make peace with your past. It is important you ask for the forgiveness of your ex husband and children because you wronged and hurt them. You need their prayers and forgiveness to be happy. Good luck

My mother is against our relationship

Dear Agatha, I am 29 years old fresh law graduate of Abia State University, resident in Umuahia. I am currently in love with a man who is 39. He is not rich but comfortable. I got into relationship with him four years ago though at that time I didn’t know that he was married. Each time I tried to raise issue about his status; he would deliberately waive it off. After about a year, he disappeared and wasn’t showing up at my place so I got on with my life though I missed him. To my surprise and joy, he resurfaced last year December and proposed to me in January. He confessed he was married as at the time we met and that he was having serious marital issues with his wife as at then. He said they were now separated due to irreconcilable differences; a year ago. He claimed to have always loved me but was being careful because of the wife. He assured me everything was settled and had to stay off for sometime to be sure he wasn’t just getting into another relationship because of his failed marriage. The man like me, is from a very disciplined Christian home. I have taken it upon myself to verify the truth in all he told me from other sources. He has been very honest with me. His parents and siblings insist that the marriage must be dissolved to preserve the man’s life. He married the woman who was five years older than him almost immediately after meeting him without courtship. He married the woman on the recommendation of a trusted friend of his whom he contacted to source for a wife for him. Because his friend was dating the girl’s mother, a fact my man wasn’t aware of as at the time he married the lady. He was blind to so many facts including the age difference as well as her desperation to hook any man who came her way. They started making babies almost immediately. He began to notice the unbearable flaws in her two years into the marriage and the fact that she is older. His first attempt at terminating the marriage was stalled by the intervention of the church and the village head. He allowed her back and she became more terrible. I can confidently say he shares no blame in the breakup of the marriage but for the sake of fair play, I would apportion 20% of the blame to him. The problem now is I still live at home with my parents and since my mother always see the man with me; I gave her details about him. Now I wish I didn’t. She has threatened to hands off me if I keep seeing the guy. The man has three kids from his failed marriage. The first is five years of age, (this one stays with him) the second, is three (this one stays with his sister), while the last child is with his ex. They got married in the church and in the traditional way. My mother’s fear is that when these kids grow up, they would make my stay in the house uncomfortable. She also nurses the fear that my husband’s attitude might change towards me later and that if his ex doesn’t remarry, she would stop at nothing to make sure I am never happy in that house. She gave me instances of women who have bitter tales to tell from similar marriages. To drive home her point, she uses hurtful words on me. She is convinced that the ex might think that I am responsible for the break-up of the marriage. I have been patient with her explaining that this man holds the key to my happiness. Agatha, I understand her fears and the risks involved in this kind of venture. I am not a toddler and have seen other people’s marriages succeed. My feeling for this guy is deep and I am convinced we would be happy together. It is obvious even to my mother that this guy loves me and he would do anything to make me happy. I love my mum so much but the issue has created tension between us that we are almost not on speaking terms. The situation is even affecting her health. Even though I am prepared to wait for another two years, I have suitors at home and abroad but no matter how much I try, I can’t do without this guy. My mother thinks his presence around me will continue to put those guys off, this much I know but I don’t mind because I care so much about him. I am the first in a family of six girls and a boy. Four of us are graduates while two of my sisters are married. Agatha, I am not saying his attitude towards this whole issue is wrong or right. But I am confident everything shall be well. I have confided in two senior friends and I guess your place will definitely be the best place before I take the final decision. Please let your advice be extensive. Please be blunt and direct with me. Thanks for your efforts. Ugoji Dear Ugoji, Though you requested that I send this reply via your mailbox, I have since stopped that because it defeats the essence of this page. The idea for this page is for us to learn from each other’s problems and solutions. Having said that, I want to begin by asking you one question, before you split up the first time, what went wrong? A man who went out with you for one year and didn’t bother telling you about his marriage does not come across as a true Christian as you claim. A true Christian would not even engage in extra marital affair let alone date a woman for one year without telling her during the period about the wife at home. Even if it was just a relationship, decency demands it of him to confide in you. Your mother is right. Nobody would believe you didn’t have anything to do with breaking up a marriage that produced three children. If the marriage were that turbulent, how come they have three children in less than five years? Babies don’t grow on tree and angry men don’t make love with the women who are after their lives. Only a man obsessed with lovemaking, would sleep with a woman he hates with passion in which case, one has to be careful with such a man because he lacks principle and self-control. Has it occurred to you from the calculations you gave that while this man was dating you, he was still making babies with his wife? And that two of his three children came while you were dating him? A man who is unfaithful to one woman is capable of being unfaithful to several women at a time. When did he discover the age differences? Did the knowledge stop him from making babies with her? My dear, this is an indication that the age thing is an after thought. Even if his friend packaged the woman, he was not blindfolded, he saw her, valued her before taking her to his family and the church. Even if he didn’t notice the age difference then, didn’t his people? Why didn’t they protest the age difference then before agreeing to the marriage? If nobody noticed it then, it shows it was never an issue. How do you feel as a woman with the way he has distributed his children? One of his children staying with his sister, he having one and one with his wife, how do you reconcile with that? Is it responsible of him to disperse children like that? Granted problems are part of marriage, is quitting the best panacea? How would those children feel later if they are allowed to live apart till they are adults? Do you think they would ever be able to forgive their father or you for that matter? Herein are your mother’s worries and wisdom. This man did not do a thorough job on his marriage and neither is he handling the so-called separation properly. It is like all the major decisions concerning his marriage, he cedes to other people. As a Christian, you ought to know that God abhors divorce and that by marrying a man who drove away his wife is courting the wrath of God. It isn’t right. And what if he decides to go back to his wife? There is no marriage that is flawless and there is nobody that is perfect. We all seek the grace of God in making us tolerable to others. This man and his wife should have gone to God in prayers to help them build their marriage but appears unwilling. Worst marriages have been amended through the grace and involvement of God. We are inherently imperfect. What guarantees do you have that he would not drive you away few years after you get married to him and bring in another woman? If he does it effortlessly the first time, he could do it again because another willing lady maybe waiting in the wing to take him in. There is more in marriage that assurance, seek the face of God in this matter. Go to Him in prayers and please submit your will and preferences to Him. Ask Him to select a life partner for you, not one that would dump you mid way. Good luck.

He is old enough to be my father

Dear Agatha, I am 23 and have just finished my youth service in Eboyi State. I lost my father when I was 10 years of age. My mother, a petty trader didn’t have much help from my father’s family. Being three girls, they said investing in our education would amount to bad investment as we would end up in other families. But for the insistence of my paternal grandfather who overruled the decision to send my mother and us out of the family house, only God knows how she would have coped. Before my grandfather died, he was the only one who cared if we ate or not. Anytime my mother was crying over unpaid fees or lack of food, he would come with money which he saved from his feeding allowances his other children normally send him. He did that without the knowledge of the other children because they would have protested. His death three years after meant we had to depend on ourselves to survive. Fortunately, the matter of us quitting the house didn’t come up again. We hawked, worked as house help to go through school. When I was in SSS2, things became almost impossible. I was almost dropping out of school because we couldn’t feed let alone pay school fees. Things were very bad and my mother didn’t know what to do. One day, I came back home from where I had gone to search for a cleaning job to meet an elderly man whom my mother said would help with my education. She only said the man was an old friend. From that point, things changed for better for us. My mother suddenly had enough money to open a big supermarket in the village and before long, she was riding a car. The man became a regular visitor to our home. I thought he was dating my mother but she never went out with him and he had nothing but respect for my mother. I was too happy to bother them. Any way they were adults and free to do whatever they desired with their bodies. The man obviously had money because he insisted my younger siblings be withdrawn from public schools to one of the most expensive private schools in our state. He bought a house for us and we packed from our family house to our new place. I also noticed that a number of my father’s relatives that were very hostile to us in the beginning became friendly and were now visiting us more often. While at the university, the man would come to visit me and whenever he did, he would come with handful of gifts items. He never failed to tell me to come to him whenever I needed money or anything. My mother also said this much. Both of them always warned me against keeping male friends and the few times I brought some friends home, they didn’t like it. I decided not to upset both of them by keeping my boyfriend out of view. When I was posted to Eboyi State for my youth service, he came often to see me. He would always tell me he was in town for one business or the other and so decided to visit me. I didn’t suspect anything until I came back from my youth service. My mother called me to a meeting where this man whom I have come to respect as a father figure was present. My father’s only brother and his two sisters were also there. It was there they told me that this man was my husband and that they had already accepted the bride price. That it was based on this agreement he did all those things he did for us. This man is over 60. He is a widower with grown up children living abroad. After they all left, my mother said she was forced into the agreement to protect our future. She said she kept quiet about the arrangement because she knew I would never agree. She said I should consider the future of my siblings whom he had promised to sponsor abroad by agreeing to his marriage proposal. She added it would be selfish of me not to oblige her request simply because I had finished my education. I have a boyfriend I plan to marry. I would have gladly dropped out of school had I known of this plan. My mother is threatening to disown me and the man says he would sue my family for betraying his trust if I don’t marry him. He has already withdrawn the car he gave my mother and said he would take back the house which unknown to us was bought in his name. My boyfriend who works with a multinational oil company has promised to help with the education of my siblings but my mother isn’t just ready to listen. The fact that my boyfriend’s father has gotten me a job in the bank where he is the chairman is not enough to appease my mother who says it would take time for my boyfriend to have the kind of money to take care of my siblings and herself. She has set her eyes on the wealth of this other man without considering my own happiness. I don’t know what to do. Agatha, how do I get out of his mess? How on earth did my mother get me into this? Charity. Dear charity, Don’t panic. At 23, you are an adult capable of making your decision. Since you were not part of the agreement between the man and your mother; he cannot really come out to accuse you of anything. Granted the man would feel a measure of hurt and perhaps betrayal, he should hold your mother and father’s siblings responsible for this current development. But that doesn’t stop you from going to plead with him for understanding and forgiveness on account of looking after you and your siblings when it mattered the most. He made life easier for you and gave you through sound education an opportunity you would never have had were you left hawking on streets. That you met a man like your boyfriend and his family is as a result of the opportunity he gave you. Fairy tales don’t happen again so the era of poor Cinderella meeting her price charming is far removed as the earth is from the sky. For this reason, go and beg him to let you off the hook. It is obvious your mother would never give ears to your pleas, so you have to do this on your own. Ask him what would be his reaction if his wife were to force his daughter to marry a man old enough to be her father? Go on your knees and plead with him. Commit whatever you would say at the meeting to God who is able to change the hearts of men. Ask God to soften his heart so that he can listen without anger to all you have to say. Let him know that had you known from the beginning, you would never have allowed him to invest his money and time on you and the family. Make him understand you would remain eternally grateful for all he did for you and your family but, he should put himself in your shoes. Tell him you have always regarded him as the father you lost when you were just 10 years old. Don’t expect him to listen to you on the first day of your visit or that his forgiveness would be automatic. You might have to go repeatedly and with your boyfriend to make his stance towards you thaw. Your mother has created a situation for you, which needs careful handling to ensure you have a smooth sail in future. If he insists on his money, work out a payment schedule as part of your efforts at reparation and restitution. Plead with him to regard his financial assistance as a form of soft loan which you are willing to pay within a time frame that is convenient for both of you. It is a pity you are being made to mop a mess you were not part from the beginning but, which nevertheless you are a prime beneficiary of. To be fair to this man, he has a right to be angry; it is very important you understand this fact, no matter how irritating the whole episode appears to you or his childish reactions to your decision. A lot of the problems we confront today in our lives are those created by our parents. Don’t expend energy getting angry with your mother. It isn’t worth it. She apparently didn’t pause to think or consider the implications of her actions. Sometimes, poverty can make the most reasonable person behave in a way that calls to question that person’s sanity. Even though this doesn’t reasonably justify your mother’s action, you still have to be reasonable to navigate this maze successfully. Fighting too many battles at this critical point would be too much for you to handle at once. If after repeated attempts to plead with him, he insists it is either he marries you or nothing, call his bluff as well as your mother’s. With time, this will blow over and she will come to support your love for your man. Good luck.

What do I do?

Dear Agatha, I am in a very big fix. My wedding is only three weeks away but I am finding it impossible to concentrate on the arrangements or stimulate for that matter, the necessary excitement towards the bride. It all started at about a month ago when I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Ironically, when we were in school, I wasn’t too serious about her despite everything she did to demonstrate her love for me. I simply wasn’t into her at all. A lot of my friends didn’t like the way I was treating her then. I can still recall my best friend telling me back then after she came into my flat one day and met another girl. She left in agony and embarrassment because I simply didn’t care about what she felt meeting this other lady. My friend who witnessed it all said I would one day regret the way I was treating her. I brushed his observations aside. Although she came back after that; I knew something had changed in her. It wasn’t something one could pinpoint but, she was not the same woman I knew. For a while she disappeared. I didn’t bother to look for her because I was really glad she was at last off my back. A year later, she came to my office to inform me of her pending marriage. Strangely, I didn’t feel excitement at the news. I simply didn’t like the idea that she was getting married at all or another man coming close to her at all. The feeling was so powerful and strange; I couldn’t explain where it was coming from or the reason for it. This woman I never felt anything strong for? A woman I regarded simply as a good bedmate? I wondered why I was developing intense hatred for the man I have never met; the one she would be spending the rest of her live with? Casting away my gloom, I pretended to be happy for her and even took her out to celebrate. It was a big mistake as the food tasted like ashes in my mouth. Needless to say, I didn’t attend the wedding. When I told my friend about the incident and the way I felt about it, he didn’t express any sympathy for me; instead he reminded me of how badly I treated her. It was a while, four years precisely that I was able get thoughts of her off my mind. Once I did, I promptly proposed to the lady I was dating. It was while shopping in one of the highbrow unisex boutiques that I ran into my ex. The moment I saw her, I knew my marriage plans were moribund. I wanted her like I have never wanted any woman in my life. It was then it dawned on me that I have always loved her and that she remains the only woman who has been able to touch something very deep within me. I realized that all the time I wanted her out of my life was because I was afraid to love and was trying to fight against my feelings for her. Hugging her that afternoon did something to me. I planted a big kiss on her lips which strangely she returned with the same measure of thirst I felt for her. Somehow, I didn’t want her to know I was planning a wedding; I feared that piece of information would drive her away from me and I would never see her again. But I didn’t want to lie or hurt her should she get to find out from another source. We ended up in a food outlet where she told me about the collapse of her marriage after six months. The man has since remarried while she is still single. She ended up saying she shouldn’t have gone into it in the first place. At that juncture, I had no choice but to inform her about my pending wedding. She wished me well but told me she wouldn’t be able to make it as she would be out of town that weekend. Agatha, after that chance meeting; l lost interest in getting married to any other woman. I realized she will forever be the only woman for me. I want her for keeps. My best friend says I shouldn’t go ahead with the marriage feeling this way about my ex. He says, it would be best to disappoint my would-be-wife now than make both of us unhappy forever. My parents have given me the go ahead to put all wedding plans on hold if I am convinced that she isn’t the right woman for me. Their position is the same with that of my best friend. My mother says she would rather face the embarrassment now that have me being unhappy thereafter. Agatha, I am a bundle of confusion now. I can’t think straight. Is something wrong with me? Can I still go ahead with the wedding or do you think I should terminate it and marry the woman I am very sure would make a very good wife? I love my ex with everything in me. Please help me. The wedding with the other fixed for Saturday, June 1st. I don’t have much time on my hands. Your prompt response is needed. Edward. Dear Edward, Love is one emotion that makes the most wise among us act foolishly. True love can be very humbling. As you must have found out, you don’t get to choose love, instead it does the choosing. Most times, love gives to us people we would ordinarily not want within miles of our radius. When you had her at your side, you never did appreciate her because you were trying to select who you fall in love with. Thank God you discovered each other again because you made another mistake of marrying the wrong woman and making everybody unhappy at the end of it all. Since her ex husband has remarried, she is free to remarry. But before you contact your ex, call the woman in your life now and who would have become your wife if providence hadn’t stepped in to explain your feelings and regrets to her. Don’t expect her to pat you on the back because the timing is very wrong. But it is better than leading the poor woman into a marriage you know will never work. Explain to her that giving what you currently feel, your marriage to her will never work and that you will never be faithful to her. She is bound to be bitter, dejected and pained at whatever you have to say so beg her to forgive you because she really doesn’t deserve this treatment at all. You also owe her family a lot of apologies. It won’t be easy for them at all. Don’t neglect the fact that already they view their daughter married. Having it extinguished before it becomes reality would really affect them all. It is going to be a lot of anguish for the whole family so be mindful of how you present the matter to them. Much as you cannot help your feelings, you can help lessen the pains by what you say and how you say it. The situation you find yourself is very precarious so be careful how you go about it. As a matter of fact, get your parents involved. Your mother should go and see her mother first. Women have a way of tackling these things. A word of caution here; don’t tell them you have found someone else or flaunt your relationship with your ex now out of respect for the feelings of this woman and her family members. It would amount to rubbing salt on an open injury. Ditching her few days to her wedding could make her harm herself or go into deep depression. Finding out you did it because of another woman could make her go berserk. You owe it to her, if for nothing to be discreet so she can heal faster and have the confidence to fall in love with another man again. It is you that isn’t in love with her; for all you know, she might be so much in love with you. If you can afford it, relocate to another place. Though she may never want to see you again, but follow up your physical apologies with a letter detailing all her unique qualities and how you wish things didn’t end this way. Let her know she would one day thank you for causing these pains when she finds that special man that has what you don’t have to make her very happy. It is extremely important you do your best to make her reasons with you, if not now but later in life. While you pray for God’s blessings in your current relationship, plead with God to find a perfect replacement for you in her life. Good luck.

My mother-in-law is a terror

Dear Agatha, My marriage is just three months old. My father-in-law is a very good man, the kind of father I prayed for. I lost my father last year and he has become a fine replacement for him. Since marrying his son, he has been there for me, telling me things he knows will help me live a wonderful life with my husband. Through him, I got to know what kind of things to avoid and what to hold tightly to. He even went as far to teach me how to make his son’s favorite food which incidentally is also his. He said his mother used to cook it for him and that my husband fell in love with the food too when he went to live with her. His wife, my stepmother-in-law is also an angel. Unless one is told she isn’t the biological mother of my husband, you won’t know from the way she dots on my husband and his elder brother. Her daughters and son accord their elder brothers every respect they deserve. On the other hand, my mother-in-law is a terror. She is divorced from my father-in-law. I learnt she didn’t also last long in her second marriage. She is in her third marriage. For some strange reasons, she and I didn’t get off on a good start. But being the younger woman, I have tried my best to be civil and to avoid getting into her wrong side. But with her latest decision and desire, there is no way I can avoid it. About three weeks ago, she packed into my house without notifying me or her son. I came back from work to meet her fully installed in my guest room. She even had my sister staying with us made a different kind of meal for her, different from the one I instructed them to make. As if that wasn’t enough, she brought some clothes including her underwears she wanted my sister to wash. Out of respect, she did but left out the pants. When I came back home, my sister was very angry and indicated her interest to go if she was staying. I waited for my husband to come back home before saying anything. He too didn’t like the idea of his mother coming and tried to persuade her to go back to her husband’s house. Rather than face her son, she started raining curses on me and members of my family. There was nothing she didn’t say, including manipulating her son to favor his father instead of her; my husband and I bought a car for the father during his birthday. She told everyone who cared to listen that I will not enjoy peace in her son’s home. Its been hell for me. My husband has been begging me but every day she spends in our home is hell. My father-in-law and his wife are currently in Ghana; I don’t know if I should call him to report the development in my home. Every night, I hear her cursing any woman who will not allow her enjoy her son. What do I do? I am not cut out for her kind of person. Please help me because I am getting fed up and won’t mind leaving her son for my peace of mind. I haven’t told my mother because she is yet to recover from my father’s death which affected her badly due to their closeness. Telling her what I am going through might kill her. Agatha, please help me. Morayo. Dear Morayo, Every page of marriage is a lesson in endurance, sacrifices, patience and wisdom. Unfortunately, these experiences are the kinds nobody talks about. Even those who attempt to share their stories often than not hiss, sigh through the story. At the end of the day, the story is never fully told due to the desire to protect one’s marriage and image. Morayo, I assure you that whatever you are going through isn’t strange at all. If every married woman is to write her experience, you will find that we are all confronted in our different homes with similar situations; the only difference being in the faces of the actors. Even your mother-in-law who is your major headache now also went through a similar situation as a young wife. If the women before you survived to become mothers-in-law in the same homes they were victimized and traumatized as a wife then you will survive your ordeal. All you have to do is ask God for the grace to develop a thick skin to endure your mother-in-law. You will definitely out-live her as long as you have the determination to make your marriage work. There is no avoiding this kind of confrontation in most marriages. It will always happen because she sees you as someone vying for the love of the son she has always had to herself. One day when you too become a mother-in-law you will understand some of her sentiments. It takes the grace of God for a mother to let go completely especially if the wife of her son, tries to stop her from having access to him. There is no way a mother won’t get upset if she remembers all she went through in producing the man this younger woman is trying to monopolise. Is it the agony of the early days of pregnancy or the sleepless nights of worries when sick or going through life’s many changes that she went through with him? For these reasons, don’t worry whatsoever about her attitude towards you. Her desire is to have and keep the love of her son. Like most women in her shoes, she is trying to protect her territory; especially as she has no husband to keep her company. In your case, she is a handful because all her attempts at marriages have failed. Although she is refusing to say anything, she is lonely hence her decision to move into your home. Whether you like it or not, your husband is her son therefore owes her a certain degree of loyalty. This is something you must not attempt to deny both of them because they have been part of each other’s lives before you came in. The only thing is that she is over-doing it, placing curses on you. Whenever she does that, tell yourself it isn’t your portion and that at any rate, you have no intention of stopping her from having peace in her son’s house. From experience, women like her are difficult to win over because not only have they developed their ideas of what they want but are very determined to make sure her ways are the only right ones. Her kind needs idiotic patience to win over. Since you know she is impossible in many ways, try to ignore her when she begins. See her attitude as being part of who she is, an extention of the man you love. This way, you will to some extent tolerate her excesses while also working on your husband to do all he can to stop her from placing curses on you. If your husband taps into the natural love every mother has for her child, to plead with her not to curse you since he will be worst affected should anything happen to you. If you can both afford it, spend your weekends away from home. Leave on Friday and come back on Sunday evening. This way, you will reduce your time with her as well as have something to look forward to. This kind of sacrifice will help protect your mind and marriage from all the things she is doing or saying. As for your sister, it might be advisable for her to leave. Get an elderly woman to come in thrice in a week to clean the house for you. Such a woman would have the tact and experience to handle your mother-in-law’s tantrums. There is no way your sister can refuse to go on errands for her. It will eventually lead to more complications for you. The fact that she is unable to keep a home isn’t your business at all. You know what the reactions of your father-in-law would be to her staying in your house. Don’t try to play one against the other. They are both your parents-in-law. During her own birthday, no matter what, also give her a worthy gift to balance your act. Learn to be fair to her, in her shoes, how would you feel? Even if she is the most terrible person in the world, she deserves some attention too from her son. This is one reason you must be determined to make your own marriage work despite her attitude. She is obviously suffering for some ill-conceived decisions she made in the past but the lessons of life is all about healing old wounds. The more you all ignore her, the more bitter and unbearable she becomes. A little love and endurance from you can change her. She cannot give love because she never had it but, you have love so give it to her! Good luck.

How can I satisfy my man sexually?

Dear Agatha, What is the difference between sex and love-making? I am confused. I have read you on this topic before, but I am still confused. I want to be able to make my husband happy. I don’t want him going outside our home for any fun. Please be my sex teacher. Alero. Dear Alero, There is a world of difference between sex and love-making. Anybody can have sex, but only few people know the magic behind love-making. Just as it is true that not every couple know what love-making is. Sex is like glancing through a book while love-making is reading through a book and paying attention to the last details. Our interpretation of the act is what makes one stop at sex and another at love-making. Often, men and women think once a man can be intimate with a woman, it makes him an expert in the act of intimacy, whereas it takes more than the actual act to make it a memorable experience. If you want to make the difference in your marriage, give freedom to your imagination to run wild. And for a woman who wants to give her husband the best, don’t pretend or be shy in telling him what you want to do, as well as what you want from him. Often, women shy away from the idea of appearing too exposed when it comes to the issue of sex. If only women realise that once in the bedroom with a man, there is no morality. A woman who seeks to keep her man in line, and doesn’t want another taking her place, must be willing to give him the full benefit of being married. Being prime and proper isn’t for the bedroom; she should be a mix of naughty and mischievous. She should be daring and bold in getting what she wants from her man. As a married woman, you must come to the full realisation that you don’t owe anybody apologies for being one. You must explore every avenue your gender, age and position as a wife provides you to explore the mystery of sex. Perish the Sunday School teaching about sex being for procreation. It is more than that! It is both a recreational and bonding tool. It is a weapon a wise woman uses in reminding her man where the real power in a marriage is. It is also a weapon a woman should use in bringing her man to his knees whenever he strays. Women who fight over their men don’t know the power they have through love-making. So, from this early in your marriage, make up your mind to be wild and experiment when in the bedroom with your husband. Give him something to always take away with him when going out or travelling as well as something to look forward to when coming back. Keep him guessing what the menu will be for the day. This way, he cannot predict if he is coming home to a normal session or a wild one. Don’t forget that you have been licensed to do whatever you want with him in the bedroom. Be his commercial sex-worker; do what you think would make it impossible for him to look anywhere. You do this through detailed exploration of his body; make his entire body, from his scalp to the sole of his feet, your canvass. From his response, you will know when you have hit target. Store your information in your memory for future use. Such knowledge is always handy when there is a disagreement in the home. It helps, in a naughty way, to resolve issues that would have taken longer to settle. A word of warning though: good sex goes hand in hand with respect. If a woman is the best in bed, without respect for her husband, she will not enjoy her marriage. Good luck!

Is she God’s will for me?

Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I need your help. I will be 28 years old in July and have been praying and desiring for a life-partner to settle down with for sometime now. I currently don’t have any girl friend and I am waiting for the will of God to happen. However, there is this lady in my class. I am doing a professional course. The first day we meet, we shared a seat. We have become close so much so the quality of our feelings for each other shows from our actions. For instance, we like being together discussing and sharing our different ideas. She has certain qualities I like in a woman. What more, she is respectful and humble. The question and the reason I am writing you is, could she be the one I have been waiting for? If she is the one, how can I disclose to her or find out if she has the same view about me without me hurting our relationship with my desires for her? We come from different parts of the country. Please I need your urgent advice. Aondo. Dear Aondo, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. There is no telling how she will respond to your request to take the relationship between the two of you to another height if you don’t come out of your shell to tell her how you feel about her. Chances are she too may nurse the same feelings for you but is limited by fear as well as socio-cultural norms from coming to you with how she feels about you. Besides, no reasonable woman gets offended by the interest of a man in her. The offence usually comes from the manner of presentation of the man. When a woman assumes he is the best thing to happen to a woman through his offer for friendship, then the woman could become offended by his presumption of her willingness to have a relationship with him. This cannot happen in your case because there is an established premise for you to express your feelings. Besides, it is the place of the man to ask and that of the woman to either accept or reject. Don’t be deterred by your fears of her possible reactions from telling her what you feel for her. As a man you must be bold to confront the woman your heart picks. When a man questions or reasons a woman’s possible reactions to his feelings for her, it only puts forward the knotty question of his belief in whatever he feels for her. Therefore, you must first of all be certain that what you feel for this woman goes beyond sexual attractions. As a man looking for that special woman to share the rest of your life with, you must probe deeper into all the possible reasons you desire this one more than every other woman you have met so far. Most times familiarity breeds contempt. Are you being goaded on to think she is special to you by your class induced intimacy as well as your desire to settle down as soon as possible? Sometimes, these situations can spur, actually deceive the mind to think love exists where only friendship really is. In addition, you must help yourself by taking time off to honestly and critically examine these her qualities alongside the picture of your ideal woman you have always imagined. Many a time, we get distracted in our search for the perfect partner by qualities we should never in the first place bother about. Had both of you met in different circumstances, would you have considered her as your ultimate choice? Between your ideal woman and this woman, how many steps apart are they? Are the issues miles apart or worlds apart? You can close the gap between if miles apart, but if they are worlds apart, then you have a big task ahead of you. Also, what are you basing your decision on; her facial appearance, fashion sense or the often ignored salient points of her true person and character? From your discussions so far, do you think you both have what it takes to combine your dreams? Can you count on her to support your dream in future? Do you see yourself helping her to grow her own dreams? This is absolutely important because without the spirit of compromises, it will become almost impossible in latter years to move the relationship beyond a particular point. Investigate the issue of her temperament, attitude at home towards others, her friendship with her siblings and friends as well as focus in life. Importantly, look at her loyalty to you, interest in the things that make you happy, reactions to your friends and family and those seemingly mundane things but which are in reality important. These are issues you should iron out on your own first before bringing her in. Once you have a clear vision of what you want, it would be easy to give your relationship all the necessary attention and support to bloom into reality. Once your motive and reason are honourable and you are at peace with God on your choice of her, she will not be offended instead, she will thank God for her luck in finding you. On whether she is God’s will for you, this I cannot answer. It is a personal thing between you and God. To be sure you are still on the right track, go to God in prayers not to enforce your will but to listen to what He has for you. Don’t allow what you feel for this lady, becloud your mind or distract you from pursuing your relationship with God. It is important you keep your relationship with God intact because you will always need Him in your relationship. Listen to what He has to say about your choice. This is the most difficult part; submitting to what He instructs. If you open your mind to Him, you will get the right direction through the quality of peace you feel deep inside of you. Whatever happens, don’t sacrifice your relationship with God; it is priceless. Good luck.

Re: My foul temper is becoming my bane

Dear Agatha, l really pity that woman because l was once very temperamental. It takes patience and self-consciousness to overcome it. Ask her of the kind of environment and family she grew up in. Is it where she never shared her feelings freely with anyone, I or the kind where she was never respected or her opinion didn’t count at all? Was her family the kind dominated by one person, whose words were law? From my experience tell her to learn to say less whenever she is angry. She must learn how to say sorry to people she hurt with her outburst even when her pride is at stake. She must strive to curb her pride and force change in her life. She should read the book, “the spirit controls temperament and why you act the way you do” by Richard Tamplar. I appreciate her courage, she will surely get help. Temperament is natural, isn’t evil spirit. She needs a counselor not a deliverance pastor to avoid complications. My name is Chris Samuel. I live in Enugu. She can call me on this number, 07058680492 Dear Agatha, I want to commend you for the way you handled this issue. May God continue to bless you and your home. I wished I got the kind of help you offered this lady. Perhaps things would have turned out differently for me. Years ago, I had her kind of temper; didn’t even consider it was spiritual until right on my wedding day, in the presence of my family and would be in-laws, I slapped my husband to be, insulted his mother without care for the number of persons who were watching us. Needless to say, that wedding didn’t take place despite being eight months pregnant. Although he supported me when the baby was born but the child was eventually taken away from me because of my temper. I almost killed her when she was three years old for pouring cold water on the rug. It was very easy for the father to get custody of the child. That didn’t teach me a lesson. My next relationship almost ended in me killing the man. One minute we were having a normal disagreement between lovers, the next minute he was bleeding from the head. I had out of fury smashed a bottle of soft drink on his head. He was magnanimous to stop me from going to jail. When he got out the hospital, he told the neighbours and Police that I did it as self defense. He later told me he didn’t want the guilt of sending me to prison on his mind-that he was glad to be alive. It was in later years, a pastor at a revival service told me that my temper was spiritual-put in me to prevent me from getting married. That all the men that came my way actually wanted to marry me but that they all left as a result of my bad temper. I am 45 and too late in the day to begin again. I pray she finds a solution before it is too late for her. Mariam.

He is treacherous

Dear Agatha, Men are very treacherous. How unfair can men be to a woman! I am going to be 60 this year and have been married for 40 years. I invested everything I had into this marriage. I am the only child of my parents so I inherited everything they had. When things were very difficult for my husband and I, the only house they had in Surulere, I sold to enable my husband begin his business. Today, he is quite successful. If anybody had told me that this man I helped to become the success he currently is, would turn round to bite my fingers, I would have called that person a liar. About two months ago, I went to the United Kingdom to visit my son whose wife just put to bed. While there, one of the wife’s cousin came to visit her. From their discussion, it was obvious that they hadn’t seen in recent time. This cousin apparently lives in the United States with his family. I really couldn’t say what was so familiar about the cousin but he looked like someone I once met long time ago. I was really curious to know so I asked him about his work, State of origin, his parents and all the things you ask when trying to help the memory recall something from its bank. My daughter-in-law innocently aided my quest for information as she announced that he shares the same surname as our family name. I was very curious to know so asked him his full name; the same names as my husband’s. I asked him about his mother, who I gathered is from the Caribbean. I didn’t know what to do because the face I thought was familiar was actually my husband’s. The boy was the replica of my husband. He was more of his mirror image than my son. When I asked how old he was, I discovered he was just three years younger than my first son while his sister and my third were age mates. Again, my daughter-in-law provided the information about the sister. When I asked him about his father, he said he was fine and presently in Nigerian with his other family. Further questions reveal that he has told them about his Nigerian family; and how afraid he was of them coming to visit him because of his wife. He said the mother and father were legally married in the United States. When he asked if I knew his father going by the similarities in our surnames, I told him, I would find out from my husband. It was all I could do at that time not to let the secret out of the bag. Without explaining my reasons, I told my children I was going back to Nigeria the following day. In the plane by home, I was praying against the reality of what I just heard but it turned out to be the truth. He didn’t bother to hide the truth from me. His excuse? I never made him feel like a man. Right from the very day I married him, I have always made him feel inferior, never lost the opportunity of reminding him I made him. He said, I kept disrobing him in the presence of the children by my recount of how I sold my father’s house to help him. He attributes the attitude of the children towards him to that. I am really hurt and confused. I know he is trying to justify what he did by all the excuses about my behavior. Even if I am guilty of all that; is marrying another woman right? His way of repaying me for all I have done for him? Of his own volition, he personally told the children about his other family. Ironically, my children, especially my sons, I thought would align with me against their father all appear to be blaming me for the situation in my house. My eldest son, actually told me he didn’t blame his father for sourcing for happiness else where. He stopped short of calling me a nag. My only daughter though wasn’t as vocal as the brothers just urged me to take things easy and sort it out with their father. I have made up my mind to leave and have actually initiated discussion on the ownership of his business since I brought the money for the initial capital. I wont let another woman reap where she didn’t sow. But I need your help, am I doing the right thing? An old friend of mine thinks, I am going about it the wrong way and that if I am not careful, I risk losing the respect and support of my children? But I cannot allow any woman into my home, the one it took my parents money to establish. It isn’t possible! As it is, he has already used my money to train his other children. What kind of help can you offer me Agatha? I want you to appreciate that I am a hurt woman who is desperate to keep her inheritance. Patience. Dear Patience, At almost 60, should you be more concerned about your peace of mind, making up with your children than fighting over a legacy your children from your narration may not really need? Can two wrongs ever be right? Granted, your husband has been unfair to you but don’t you think your current reactions is giving basis for decision to marry another woman? If your children are not supporting you, actually appear to be giving their father tacit support, can you still say you are right? There are situations in life when our righteousness can be very wrong. In this situation, your justification may not be right at the end of the day. What is life? What is the essence of marriage? Is it to just have children? We can all give one reason or the other to rationalize our actions but would these excuses stand the test of time, when our actions and the results we get are put side by side? Yes, you did the right thing, helping to kick start your husband’s success in life but does it merit your nagging of him; exposing him to the disdain of the children? If your own children can say those things about you, then you must have been terrible in your quest to ensure their father didn’t forget the side where his bread is buttered. Marriage is more than a journey of having good financial base; it is more of a journey of success, respect and tolerance. Nagging him to remain loyal to you obviously drove him into the hands of another woman; one who knows that a good marriage is more than having plenty of money to spend. Unwittingly, you created the opportunity for this woman to have a permanent stay in your husband’s life because the resonances of your words were hurting his being. You were making him feel worthless of himself and as a man, he needed to assure himself that he was man enough to command the respect and loyalty of a woman. Granted, he started with your money but over the years, he has invested his time, intellect to making that money a success. If it weren’t for his sound business mind and judgments, do you think, you would have been able to manage that inheritance you seem to pride more than anything else in your world? If it wasn’t his destiny to be successful, that money would have gone down the drain. What you only did was to give him an early start; he did the rest. If you hadn’t given him the money, someone else would have. God only used you to make His desires for your husband to come to early manifestation. In your shoes, I would discard any attempt at sharing out the property or leaving the home. To continue with this line of action is to say your 40 years together as a couple have been a complete waste. Deep down, isn’t this marriage worth saving despite what he has done to you? The beauty of life is our ability to learn from our mistakes. At every level in life, we must make conscious effort to do away with the mistakes of the past. There is nothing stopping you from enjoying your marriage by making conscious and positive attempts at correcting the mistakes of the past. Going ahead with your decision will further cause a disharmony between you and your children on one hand and your husband on the other hand. Take advantage of your chance meeting with your step children to mend the wounds your attitude and utterances have caused in your home. To do otherwise is to become a very lonely woman in life. As it stands, your children already have their own families, ones if you stay longer than necessary would become uncomfortable for you while your husband too has a wife and children to fill his space too. Your leaving the house will give him the freedom he needs to fully integrate his family into his life. Old age gives us the opportunity to count our loses; adjust our lives to accommodate the many imperfections of life. There is nothing love cannot forgive. Become the rallying point for your family. His other wife and children will never take your place if you are wise and know how to patch things up. Rather than fight him, encourage discussion, this way you will know what went wrong as well as how to manage all the new challenges without becoming the ultimate victim. By being close to God, you make things easier for you to manage. Good luck.

She is acting strangely

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 23 years of age. There is this lady I fell in love with and who claims to love me but, who has continued to play smart. Admittedly, I became interested in her because of her Christian attitude. Since meeting her, I have shouldered some of her responsibilities but she has refused to allow me get as close as even to touch her. I understand the bit about her not wanting to sleep with me until our wedding night, even though she isn’t a virgin but keeping me at a distance, is making me wonder at her motive for dating me since I cannot even get to kiss her. I keep having this feeling she would leave me one day and have even suggested she stopped calling me but she keeps insisting she loves me. I don’t know what to do. Uche. Dear Uche, At 23, are you ready for marriage? Do you know what her previous experiences are that made her vow never to get too close to a man until she gets married? If you were attracted to her person by her Christian qualities, what were you expecting? Why are you disappointed that she is displaying the traits of a true Christian? Were you expecting her to be different from your perception of her? This girl has not in any way deceived you or told a different story about herself. If sex or intimacy was what you wanted from her, you should not have gone after her at all. If she is not allowing you get close to her, she has her reason. After all, she didn’t lie about being a virgin. She told you the truth meaning, there is an experience somewhere that has informed her current position against any form of intimacy with a man. For better understanding in a relationship, goals post must not be changed mid-way. Had you been more explicit at the onset of the relationship, perhaps she might not have entered a relationship with you. The danger is, if you keep insisting on being intimate with her, she may think your interest in her is simply to ravish her body. If you really love her, learn to respect her views. She may no longer be a virgin but, has learnt sufficient lessons to influence her current determination to remain celibate until her wedding night. On the issue of her not allowing you get close to her, it is to prevent what she doesn’t want to do. For some women, the mere touch of a man’s lips is enough to make them lose their balance. Besides, are you going to kiss her without touching a part of her body? Erotic zones differ from one individual to the other. If she is the kind whose erotic zones are on the common places, like her shoulders, palms, lips or nipples, there is no way she can prevent a kiss degenerating into hot romance. Prevention they say is better than cure. She is trying to avoid a situation she would be compromised. Try to understand her if you love her. As for the things you are doing for her, if it bothers you that much, you have a right not to even if it is for the purpose of knowing how she would react to the situation. If at the end of the day she freezes you off on account of you withdrawing these privileges; thank your stars and move on. It means her interest in you was for the money she was getting from you. It is as simple as that. But if she continues to date you Inspite of it, be careful you don’t allow the demands of your body drive her away from you. Concentrate your energy on getting to know her better by being the friend she needs at this point in time. Every relationship has a trial period: intended to help prepare the couple for the challenges of being married, alert a couple to the need of adjusting one’s character to accommodate the other person’s needs and feelings; to teach couples to be selfless and promote better understanding into the character of their partner. I am sure if asked what kind of woman she is, you may not be accurate in describing her because your mind is too preoccupied by sex to care about her person, nature or abilities as a human being. The more you worry about her refusal to allow you near her, the more you lose the opportunity of getting to know her and getting close enough to be a true friend. The best way out for you is to take each day as it comes with this woman because if you try too hard to rush her into anything, you will lose her completely. There may not be a better time than now to get to know her. So explore the opportunity presented by her aloofness. Good luck

Re: I caught my father in bed with my wife

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, This is a very pitiable story. It further highlights the decay in our society. After going through the story, I actually became frightened for your safety. May God continue to protect you and your family. As for that young man, only God can deliver him from his present predicament and he has to apply wisdom and tact because his parents are involved in this matter. It wouldn’t have been tough if the people involved weren’t his parents. That young man needs special deliverance that would require someone close to him to stand in gap. If he still has a grandmother, especially his father’s mother, he should go and beg her to pray for him. This is because his own mother has corrupted her hands hence lacks the authority to intercede for her son. The prayer of the grandmother is all he needs to survive this challenge between him and his father. He should not make the mistake of reporting his father to anybody again. Agatha, encourage him to keep quiet about what is happening to him; he should also avoid getting close to either his father or mother just as he must avoid his brother because his parents will use his brother to draw him back into their web. As for the workers, there is nothing he can do because they have become his father’s zombies. There is nothing he can do about it else he will further complicate his situation. It will be dangerous for anybody who isn’t related to him to get too close to him to avoid unplanned arrows. The dangers surrounding him are very oppressive; he honestly would need the grace of God because he has been dedicated to the powers his father worship right from his mother’s womb. It was an agreement between his mother and father. Besides, all his life, he has never worked, which means whatever he is, is from the blood money his father made. He needs the unconditional grace of God to move on. if he tries to fight his father, he will not survive it at as a result of the covenant the father entered into on his behalf. He should rather look for a place to disappear to, preferably outside the country. I happen to know how he feels because my father, a very prominent man in Lagos particularly and Nigeria, generally got his wealth from sleeping with his daughters. He must deflower his daughters else the mother of the child pays with her own life. This is why I pity people who envy the so called wealthy people. Till date, my father is still doing it. I would have been a dead person if not for the spirited effort of my maternal grandmother who brought me to a neighbouring country. Here, I was made to go through thorough spiritual exorcism; these days, I keep a very low profile and have completely changed my identity. If I begin to narrate my own story, you will weep for me. I cannot have a child because as a baby, my father used my womb in one of his many rituals. Two of my brothers are imbeciles. My mother being his first wife is worst hit. Although he doesn’t joke with my mother; gives her everything she wants, but at what cost? So many things are wrong with our society. This is why he should be cautious of how he handles this delicate matter. For years, I kept looking behind me because even the so called people I thought were on my side were giving my father information about my movement. But for my maternal grandmother who at the end, paid with her life, I wouldn’t be alive today. Agatha, I marvel at the grace you have because some of the issues you tackle would send someone not spiritual strong to an early grave. May God continue to protect you for what you are doing. I.O.S

My ex wants me back

Dear Agatha, Long ago, I fell in love; we were so much in love until we had a dispute. This disagreement led to break-up. I also left for Calabar in Cross River State that very weekend, determined to put as much distance between us. Due to the stress of what happened between us, I didn’t particularly pay attention to my body. It was until three months later that I noticed I hadn’t seen my monthly period. By the time I went for test, I was already about four months gone. And when I made attempts to inform him, I heard he married the first girl he met after we broke up. Everything was too fast for me. A combination of the hurt and betrayal made me decide against coming back to Lagos or informing him about the baby. That was three years ago. Now he is in Calabar. A friend of his who moved to Calabar a year ago must have told him about us. His child attends the same school as my son. What I didn’t know is that he and the woman he married went their separate ways barely six months after their wedding and that they are now formally divorced. He is begging me to reconsider coming to him, but I am involved in another relationship. Though I love him and would want to spend the rest of my life with him, I am constrained by my relationship with this other man who has introduced me to his people as the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. Honestly, there can never be anyone like him for me, but I don’t know how to go about this problem without causing anyone pains. I love the father of my child with all my whole heart. Already, my son is thrilled with the idea of meeting and having his father. He has suddenly become so hostile to my boyfriend. What do I do? Hilary. Dear Hilary, This is the juncture you face reality in your life. You cannot be in love with one man and marry another. Sentiments won’t get you anywhere in this matter, because marriage is a journey of a lifetime. You cannot afford to cut corners, sweep under the carpet issues you should tackle now. If you go ahead to marry your current boyfriend feeling the way you do about the father of your child, you would only be postponing doom’s day. No matter how deep your current boyfriend loves you, there is no way he would endure being married to a woman who doesn’t love him. Even if you pretend to love him now, the knowledge that your former boyfriend is free and available to marry you will eventually make you to become cold towards this man. Gradually, you will begin to be offended by his presence, his attitude and everything he used to do that once made you happy. At the end of the day, hate would take the place of whatever feelings you have for each other. This is why you should be bold enough now to tackle your shadow. Even if your ex didn’t show up, you still would never have been able to love him the way he deserved to be loved. You will only end up destroying this man for another woman. Free him before it is too late for another woman to redeem him, and give him back his confidence as a man. He may not really appreciate your telling him the truth today, but he would eventually thank you for having the guts to end the relationship when he finds his true rib. There is nothing difficult in telling him the truth about what you feel for the father of your child. Just be very honest. The plain truth is that you haven’t really fallen out of love with your past. Let this man know that you will never be able to love another man the way you love the father of your child. As for his family, they will understand that it is better to have a broken relationship than a broken marriage. In taking back your man, ensure that whatever caused the initial problem is properly discussed and settled, so it doesn’t cast a permanent shadow on your relationship. Good luck.

My ex wants me back

Dear Agatha, Long ago, I fell in love; we were so much in love until we had a dispute. This disagreement led to break-up. I also left for Calabar in Cross River State that very weekend, determined to put as much distance between us. Due to the stress of what happened between us, I didn’t particularly pay attention to my body. It was until three months later that I noticed I hadn’t seen my monthly period. By the time I went for test, I was already about four months gone. And when I made attempts to inform him, I heard he married the first girl he met after we broke up. Everything was too fast for me. A combination of the hurt and betrayal made me decide against coming back to Lagos or informing him about the baby. That was three years ago. Now he is in Calabar. A friend of his who moved to Calabar a year ago must have told him about us. His child attends the same school as my son. What I didn’t know is that he and the woman he married went their separate ways barely six months after their wedding and that they are now formally divorced. He is begging me to reconsider coming to him, but I am involved in another relationship. Though I love him and would want to spend the rest of my life with him, I am constrained by my relationship with this other man who has introduced me to his people as the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. Honestly, there can never be anyone like him for me, but I don’t know how to go about this problem without causing anyone pains. I love the father of my child with all my whole heart. Already, my son is thrilled with the idea of meeting and having his father. He has suddenly become so hostile to my boyfriend. What do I do? Hilary. Dear Hilary, This is the juncture you face reality in your life. You cannot be in love with one man and marry another. Sentiments won’t get you anywhere in this matter, because marriage is a journey of a lifetime. You cannot afford to cut corners, sweep under the carpet issues you should tackle now. If you go ahead to marry your current boyfriend feeling the way you do about the father of your child, you would only be postponing doom’s day. No matter how deep your current boyfriend loves you, there is no way he would endure being married to a woman who doesn’t love him. Even if you pretend to love him now, the knowledge that your former boyfriend is free and available to marry you will eventually make you to become cold towards this man. Gradually, you will begin to be offended by his presence, his attitude and everything he used to do that once made you happy. At the end of the day, hate would take the place of whatever feelings you have for each other. This is why you should be bold enough now to tackle your shadow. Even if your ex didn’t show up, you still would never have been able to love him the way he deserved to be loved. You will only end up destroying this man for another woman. Free him before it is too late for another woman to redeem him, and give him back his confidence as a man. He may not really appreciate your telling him the truth today, but he would eventually thank you for having the guts to end the relationship when he finds his true rib. There is nothing difficult in telling him the truth about what you feel for the father of your child. Just be very honest. The plain truth is that you haven’t really fallen out of love with your past. Let this man know that you will never be able to love another man the way you love the father of your child. As for his family, they will understand that it is better to have a broken relationship than a broken marriage. In taking back your man, ensure that whatever caused the initial problem is properly discussed and settled, so it doesn’t cast a permanent shadow on your relationship. Good luck.

She doesn’t have time for me anymore

Dear Agatha, The first time my family met with her, she was just my friend. She hadn’t agreed to be my girlfriend. But before l left for the United States, she accepted the proposal to be my girlfriend. While here, I decided that I needed to be more serious and focus on the reasons that brought me to this country. When I told her of my decision, she wasn’t happy and went to my family in tears to report me. I had to accept her back and we continued with our relationship. Later she confessed sleeping with another man when I told her I need the break. I was angry. She used to tell me I don’t have much time for her, though I called her almost everyday. Now she has moved to Ukraine where she is also studying. Since moving to that country her excuse for not calling as she used to, is now lack of time, not even to chat on the facebook. Though, things are currently not going on well with her. We are both studying medicine and I still make out time to call her or chat with her. Can you please give me an idea of what’s going on? Worried Boyfriend. Dear Worried Boyfriend, Things may not be going as she expected. Don’t forget what it was like for you when you first got to your host country. I am sure the kinds of pressures that made you decide to end the relationship with her then and focus on your studies, are precisely what she too is currently facing. This of course is in addition to learning how to speak the language. Unlike United States, where English is spoken, in Ukraine, her first challenge would be the language barrier. She must learn how to speak their language to fit into their system. You didn’t have that challenge. In her shoes, you may not really have the generosity of time to chat or talk. Although, this isn’t an excuse but you must appreciate her challenge and situation by looking at all the things you initially faced when you first got to the United States. It couldn’t have been a tea party else you wouldn’t have considered the option of ending the relationship with her then. The ideal thing is for you to ask her what her challenges are. Encourage her to talk about it, dropping hints of your own experiences to help her understand what your concerns are. To discourage or suspect her of anything without concrete proof is to garment your own excuses at that time you were having them with the same suspicions you are now having concerning her. To begin with, alluding to a relationship she had when you told her you were no longer interested in the relationship would be grossly unfair under this circumstance. As someone who had issues too in the beginning, you are in the best position to understand that the first few months of relocating from all known things to something entirely new, isn’t easy at all. Just as you thought your studies were all that mattered then, she too maybe going through that phase; thinking that keeping her distance from a relationship would help her focus more on her studies. Because there is no school as definite as the one of experience, loan her yours by developing understanding ears to her current plight. Even if she isn’t calling, take it upon yourself to do all the calling at least for the next two months. Ignore the quality of your Facebook chats. Continue with her and if she isn’t responding or doing so in monologues, ignore that too until convinced it is more than the issue at hand. It is also important you take into cognizance the impact of the distance between the two of you. First, she was alone after you left and now in Ukraine, she is still without you. It can be very lonely for a woman used to having her man around her. No matter how strong a love is, it can be defeated by distance especially as both of you are young and opened to temptations. Just as you would have indulged in one or two causal relationships since arriving United States, she too would have had one or two more promising offers. Being a young lady, she is most likely to consider a relationship nearer her and with someone she gets to see constantly. All these are angles you should from time to time put into consideration. By the time you are sure that there is more to the issues wrong with her, you would have absolved yourself of any blame. It would be obvious to all that she is the one who doesn’t want the relationship anymore. Even at that, still make attempts to make her come clean with whatever it is that is bothering her. It is only when she isn’t forthcoming and continues to freeze you off that you should allow her go. At that point there would be nothing left for you to do. Good luck.

What is wrong with me?

Dear Agatha, I am a boy of 19. I don’t last more than the first few minutes whenever I have sex with a woman. I don’t know what is happening to me. What can I do to improve performance and strength? Toheeb. Dear Toheeb, At your age, you are yet to come to the full understanding of what sex and lovemaking is. For you, your excitement is your conquest, which unfortunately is not a good reason for intimacy between a woman and man. Like your teenage years, sex is still shrouded in fun and plenty of excitement. You have no plan for it hence you cannot attain the height a matured man would achieve. To unlock and point you to the heart of your problem; answer these questions: what do you hope to achieve by having sex with a woman at your age? What do you plan to do with the consequences of it? Beyond having the pleasures of her body, what other plans do you have for the girl you are doing it with? In addition, what is your state of mind when doing it? Doubtless at your age, the girl you are having sex with is just as in a hurry to complete the act to escape notice or conclude whatever assignment given her by her parents or guardian before making a detour to your love-nest. Life is sectioned into seasons. There is no getting it right until you come into the season assigned to a particular thing in life. Experimental sex will never give you the same result as valued sex. It comes with age; control and reason for it. When something is being done for the fun of it, there is no way it can give the same result as when doing it for the right reason. Once you stop seeing girls as play things, something to conquer and begin to see them as persons with emotions, intellect and valuable partners in life, so many things about your sex life will improve. By then, you won’t want to rush over sex but take your time in getting to know how the woman you are with, feels about you and what you are both doing. Quality sex abhors selfishness and excitement at having another conquest. You must learn to talk and acquaint yourself with the mindset of your partner, and factor her feelings into whatever you are doing, by seeking her opinion as well as her challenges before you can get the best of her. Her fears of the outcome of your act, you as the man must first be addressed. Without all these out of the way, the instinct of the woman with you will not be fully tuned into what you have in mind. All these are factors that influence the quality of a man’s performance. You cannot go beyond your current feat because once the excitement of being with your woman wears off, there is nothing else to stimulate your next action, hence your inability to go beyond the point you currently achieve and like a flash in the pan, you are out and extinguished for another particular show. If it is any help, the more responsibilities you attach to sex, the better you become at it until you get to that point when you see sex as a special gift between a man and woman who care so much about each other and want to be together always. By the time you get there, you will discover that you don’t need anything to motivate you; that wanting to express love through sex to that special woman in your life comes naturally. Until you get to that point, it will always be a touch and go situation. At 19, you still have a lot to learn from life. But while you wait to get to that point, be careful you don’t become a premature father else, your anger at being a father when you are least prepared for it, will always come between you and finding complete peace with your person. Good luck.