With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a girlfriend who is excessively jealous. Her jealousy is so profound that she instantly imagines unfaithfulness on my part when I do as much as exchange greetings with any of my female colleagues. My problem now is how to make her develop confidence in me. She practically hits the roof if an unknown person calls me and goes to the ridiculous extent of calling the person to ask about the identity of the caller.
How do I get to discuss the problem I am having with her as well plans for her? Please help me.
Anyisteve.
Dear Anyisteve,
Begin by finding out the real reason behind her insecurity. Most often than not, jealous feelings take root from past experiences. What were hers? It is important she talks about her past or why she thinks you are cheating on her.
Again her insecurity may come from her own personal assessment of herself. Again this has root in a past experience, may be an unkind remark by an ill-mannered person or an unbalanced upbringing.
If her jealousy has to do with a misplaced trust in her former relationship, in addition to making it clear that you and whosoever hurt her are different persons, tell her all over again why you want to be with her. Look for all the wonderful qualities she has to underscore your need of her in your life.
But be careful you don’t get carried away to the point of promising her unachievable things. Stick to reality. She either learns to accept you for who you are or give in to the powers of her past to deny her a good place in the future.
This is one issue you cannot afford to treat with levity because it has the ability to consume you both later in future. It would get to a point, her consuming jealousy would make it impossible for you to relate with all the females, including your colleagues, friends, cousins or childhood friends you knew before you met her.
Once it gets to this stage, it would rob you not only of your freedom of expression but also inhibits you from having a relationship with even your friends all of whom would also be fingered by her of trying to get you hooked with other women.
This is one emotion that cripples relationship as well as a huge threat to the peaceful and harmonious relationship with every other person.
Can you cope knowing that each time you open your mouth to speak or show concern to another woman, hell awaits you at home?
This is the reason you must do everything to make her understand that she must begin to see things from your perspective, must learn to bury whatever wrong or imbalances she suffered in the past.
If her problem has to do with her past, the attitude of her parents, you must make her understand that she is now her own person and able to change whatever tradition her parents have entrenched. If this is the case, you must strive to give her the confidence she lost by constantly reminding her that she is special, comes with God given gifts nobody can duplicate or can equal. You have to help her build her confidence from the very beginning starting from her physical beauty. Every woman likes to think she is very beautiful. Compliment her on her looks, paying particular attention to her special feature; your endless compliments coupled with the sincerity, which you say would convince her of your love as well as give her confidence to cope with your other relationships.
Whatever may be the reason for her insecurity, it has to be addressed with both boldness and sincerity.
Good luck.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Despite her frolicking with married men I still want her
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in my 20s in love with a girl I cherish so much. Her dream has always been to be with me and for me to graduate from school. I have graduated while she is yet to secure admission.
After my graduation, we start having problems. For instance, when I travelled, my friend told me he saw her with a married man whose wife went after them to create a scene.
When I got this report, I sent her a text message requesting her to explain what on earth she was doing with a married man.
In her reply to me, she denied the story and accused me of listening to gossips from friends. She then told me it was best we went our different ways because she was fed up with gossips.
When her reply came, I thought it was a joke, because we have both invested too much in the relationship of almost three years to let it go down the drain in that manner.
For a week, I begged her to forgive me for listening to friend and I also made a promise that it would never happen again. She still insisted she was leaving me for good.
I even went to beg her personally over the matter but she insisted on leaving me. I sincerely don’t know what to do again. I know I was wrong in listening to my friends, but I don’t think I deserve this.
I know she has been dating married men all along; we have even quarrelled over it repeatedly but it has not stopped me from falling deeply in love with her.
A lot of people who know her think she is dating these married men because of money, but I don’t think so. Yes, I know the money she gets from them she uses it to buy things for herself, but I disagree with the thinking that she loves money.
Even if it is because of money, I still love her and don’t know how to get her to come back.
Please help me because if the information reaching me were anything to go by, she would soon be leaving for school. I want her back before she leaves for school.
Sweet 16.
Dear Sweet 16,
If you are in the know about her and her married boyfriends, why did you bother about what your friend told you? Why did you have to send her a text message accusing her of a situation you are already aware of?
Indeed, she has every right to be angry with you having put you in the know about the situation from the very beginning. Your anger would have been justified if you didn’t know.
When a man makes up his mind to date a woman like your girlfriend, he must develop the accompanying guts and temperament to manage his feelings as well as the opinion of his friends and family on the matter.
This is because you are the only one with the right reasons regarding the decision to continue with the relationship. You are the one who knows the challenges you have been through with her, is intimate with her other values and understands her reasons for doing what she does.
Frankly, her reason or yours for that matter may not hold water with anyone but the decision to love her or not lies squarely on your shoulders.
Regardless of what others think of her, the honesty behind her telling you is what you should have considered before sending her that text. A lot of girls would have denied doing it, let alone admit it openly to you.
This is why she is angry and refusing to come back to you. She is feeling bad that she has been very sincere with you; you could still listen to gossips about her. She believes that the level of trust between you should have been sufficient for you not to join others in questioning her motives or decisions.
Forget the propriety of her behaviour. You were wrong because you either trust what she tells you or not. Telling you the truth is to give you the sole choice of accepting her as she is or leaving her to live her life the way she pleases.
The choice you took involves learning to trust her words and reasons for loving you. If you focus on her values or what others say about her, you may not have the strength to go. That you have been together for close to three years means there is a special feeling between the two of you, one that requires she in particular take a closer look at her lifestyle vis-à-vis her life generally.
She is still out there because you haven’t been able to summon the courage to confront her reason. She is unwilling to come back to you because you are showing a character, hardness she didn’t know you had.
All these while you allowed her determined the directions of the relationship, due perhaps to fear or guts to protest.
The guts you require to stand by her is, also what you need to take charge. She either submits to your feelings for her or allow you be, so that you can move ahead with your life.
Granted you know all about her, but deep down is that enough for you? Is this the kind of relationship you want from this woman?
Your reactions to what your friend told you is a warning that you might not be able to continue with her for too long. It brings out the extra emotional stamina you are putting into making it work against all odds.
Doubtless you love her, but this is one classic situation where love isn’t enough. You need more than your feelings for her to carry on.
Before crying over refusal to come back to you, think deeply because this whole thing might simply be a blessing in disguise; to force your eyes opened on critical matters concerning your life since you are approaching a very critical stage in your life.
This is the time for you to begin to take your affairs more seriously. What would you like to change about the relationship if she comes back on her own? Despite your love for her, I am sure there are situations you would like to change about the relationship and her attitude. What if she gets pregnant; would you not from time to time doubt the paternity of the baby especially when the child acts contrary to what you want or expect?
Since the decision to leave was hers, let her be. If she were yours she would come back on your terms and conditions that would put you in charge of the relationship.
You need first to master the act of being a man before talking about relationship. She may not have hidden her weakness from you but a relationship takes more to survive. She has to learn to let go if she truly wants you in her life.
Because your whole life is involved, make the effort of inviting God into your affairs. It is important.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am in my 20s in love with a girl I cherish so much. Her dream has always been to be with me and for me to graduate from school. I have graduated while she is yet to secure admission.
After my graduation, we start having problems. For instance, when I travelled, my friend told me he saw her with a married man whose wife went after them to create a scene.
When I got this report, I sent her a text message requesting her to explain what on earth she was doing with a married man.
In her reply to me, she denied the story and accused me of listening to gossips from friends. She then told me it was best we went our different ways because she was fed up with gossips.
When her reply came, I thought it was a joke, because we have both invested too much in the relationship of almost three years to let it go down the drain in that manner.
For a week, I begged her to forgive me for listening to friend and I also made a promise that it would never happen again. She still insisted she was leaving me for good.
I even went to beg her personally over the matter but she insisted on leaving me. I sincerely don’t know what to do again. I know I was wrong in listening to my friends, but I don’t think I deserve this.
I know she has been dating married men all along; we have even quarrelled over it repeatedly but it has not stopped me from falling deeply in love with her.
A lot of people who know her think she is dating these married men because of money, but I don’t think so. Yes, I know the money she gets from them she uses it to buy things for herself, but I disagree with the thinking that she loves money.
Even if it is because of money, I still love her and don’t know how to get her to come back.
Please help me because if the information reaching me were anything to go by, she would soon be leaving for school. I want her back before she leaves for school.
Sweet 16.
Dear Sweet 16,
If you are in the know about her and her married boyfriends, why did you bother about what your friend told you? Why did you have to send her a text message accusing her of a situation you are already aware of?
Indeed, she has every right to be angry with you having put you in the know about the situation from the very beginning. Your anger would have been justified if you didn’t know.
When a man makes up his mind to date a woman like your girlfriend, he must develop the accompanying guts and temperament to manage his feelings as well as the opinion of his friends and family on the matter.
This is because you are the only one with the right reasons regarding the decision to continue with the relationship. You are the one who knows the challenges you have been through with her, is intimate with her other values and understands her reasons for doing what she does.
Frankly, her reason or yours for that matter may not hold water with anyone but the decision to love her or not lies squarely on your shoulders.
Regardless of what others think of her, the honesty behind her telling you is what you should have considered before sending her that text. A lot of girls would have denied doing it, let alone admit it openly to you.
This is why she is angry and refusing to come back to you. She is feeling bad that she has been very sincere with you; you could still listen to gossips about her. She believes that the level of trust between you should have been sufficient for you not to join others in questioning her motives or decisions.
Forget the propriety of her behaviour. You were wrong because you either trust what she tells you or not. Telling you the truth is to give you the sole choice of accepting her as she is or leaving her to live her life the way she pleases.
The choice you took involves learning to trust her words and reasons for loving you. If you focus on her values or what others say about her, you may not have the strength to go. That you have been together for close to three years means there is a special feeling between the two of you, one that requires she in particular take a closer look at her lifestyle vis-à-vis her life generally.
She is still out there because you haven’t been able to summon the courage to confront her reason. She is unwilling to come back to you because you are showing a character, hardness she didn’t know you had.
All these while you allowed her determined the directions of the relationship, due perhaps to fear or guts to protest.
The guts you require to stand by her is, also what you need to take charge. She either submits to your feelings for her or allow you be, so that you can move ahead with your life.
Granted you know all about her, but deep down is that enough for you? Is this the kind of relationship you want from this woman?
Your reactions to what your friend told you is a warning that you might not be able to continue with her for too long. It brings out the extra emotional stamina you are putting into making it work against all odds.
Doubtless you love her, but this is one classic situation where love isn’t enough. You need more than your feelings for her to carry on.
Before crying over refusal to come back to you, think deeply because this whole thing might simply be a blessing in disguise; to force your eyes opened on critical matters concerning your life since you are approaching a very critical stage in your life.
This is the time for you to begin to take your affairs more seriously. What would you like to change about the relationship if she comes back on her own? Despite your love for her, I am sure there are situations you would like to change about the relationship and her attitude. What if she gets pregnant; would you not from time to time doubt the paternity of the baby especially when the child acts contrary to what you want or expect?
Since the decision to leave was hers, let her be. If she were yours she would come back on your terms and conditions that would put you in charge of the relationship.
You need first to master the act of being a man before talking about relationship. She may not have hidden her weakness from you but a relationship takes more to survive. She has to learn to let go if she truly wants you in her life.
Because your whole life is involved, make the effort of inviting God into your affairs. It is important.
Good luck.
My plan to marry a police woman makes my brother kicks
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in a relationship that is currently about two years of age. The girl in question is the same girl I intend to marry. I have taken her to my place and I have gone to see her people as well. Our traditional marriage ceremony is coming very soon.
The problem I have is that my elder brother does not like the girl I want to marry because of her profession. She is a police officer. Although my brother isn’t supporting me financially or offering any moral help his attitude is affecting me all the same.
Please how do I handle this?
Mr. J.
Dear Mr. J,
What is wrong in being a police officer? Since when did being a police person become a consideration in the process of marriage?
You are the one marrying this lady, not your brother. You are the one who will live with her and as long as you are comfortable about what she does for a living, don’t listen to what any other person has to say.
As your elder brother, he has a right to an opinion but that is as far as it goes. When it comes to the issue of marriage; it is a personal thing because the choice is one you must have to live with for the rest of your life.
For you to come this far with this woman; you must have found priceless qualities in her; ones you may never find in another woman; ones that in later years would give you the happiness you deserve in life.
This man may be your brother but he has no right to stand between you and happiness especially if the reasons are as flimsy as the one he is advertising. You are not going to be living with her uniform but the woman wearing the uniform. This is the point you should communicate to your elder brother.
Tell him that beyond the uniform of her profession is a woman who has all it takes to make you eternally happy. Marriage has no uniform, creed, colour, and tribe, beyond being rewarding and beneficial emotionally, psychologically, mentally and spiritually fulfilling to the two people involved.
If his fears are based on her paramilitary training and the possibility of her refusal to submit herself to your authority in the home front; for whatever it is worth; assure him that you don’t intend playing the hen-pecked husband and that her uniform is only relevant outside your home.
I suspect his discomfort with her has to do with your ability to manage the intimidation her uniform presents. Being an elder brother who perhaps has more knowledge of your limitations as a person, he is simply concerned. On this premise, humour him by explaining your need for this woman in your life as well as you capacity to head your home.
If after this, he persists in his attitude ignore him and go ahead with your plans to marry this woman.
However, in your interest, don’t discuss this with your woman because your woman may never be able to forgive your brother or forget the fact that he tried to stop you from marrying her. She may never be able to bring herself to treat him with all the respect he deserves as your elder brother; an attitude if not managed well may bring about a permanent crack in the quality of friendship between you and your brother.
Managing a home and maintaining a balance in the relationships between you, your family as well as friends entails tremendous wisdom and craft. If you tell your woman about your brother’s disapproval of her, you may be forfeiting the opportunity of assuring your brother of your ability to control your home.
Besides, telling her may also pit her against other family members who may want to rally behind your brother if she insults him.
If you are sure of the choice you made and that your elder’s brother opposition isn’t premised on something more fundamental; please go ahead and secure your own happiness.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am in a relationship that is currently about two years of age. The girl in question is the same girl I intend to marry. I have taken her to my place and I have gone to see her people as well. Our traditional marriage ceremony is coming very soon.
The problem I have is that my elder brother does not like the girl I want to marry because of her profession. She is a police officer. Although my brother isn’t supporting me financially or offering any moral help his attitude is affecting me all the same.
Please how do I handle this?
Mr. J.
Dear Mr. J,
What is wrong in being a police officer? Since when did being a police person become a consideration in the process of marriage?
You are the one marrying this lady, not your brother. You are the one who will live with her and as long as you are comfortable about what she does for a living, don’t listen to what any other person has to say.
As your elder brother, he has a right to an opinion but that is as far as it goes. When it comes to the issue of marriage; it is a personal thing because the choice is one you must have to live with for the rest of your life.
For you to come this far with this woman; you must have found priceless qualities in her; ones you may never find in another woman; ones that in later years would give you the happiness you deserve in life.
This man may be your brother but he has no right to stand between you and happiness especially if the reasons are as flimsy as the one he is advertising. You are not going to be living with her uniform but the woman wearing the uniform. This is the point you should communicate to your elder brother.
Tell him that beyond the uniform of her profession is a woman who has all it takes to make you eternally happy. Marriage has no uniform, creed, colour, and tribe, beyond being rewarding and beneficial emotionally, psychologically, mentally and spiritually fulfilling to the two people involved.
If his fears are based on her paramilitary training and the possibility of her refusal to submit herself to your authority in the home front; for whatever it is worth; assure him that you don’t intend playing the hen-pecked husband and that her uniform is only relevant outside your home.
I suspect his discomfort with her has to do with your ability to manage the intimidation her uniform presents. Being an elder brother who perhaps has more knowledge of your limitations as a person, he is simply concerned. On this premise, humour him by explaining your need for this woman in your life as well as you capacity to head your home.
If after this, he persists in his attitude ignore him and go ahead with your plans to marry this woman.
However, in your interest, don’t discuss this with your woman because your woman may never be able to forgive your brother or forget the fact that he tried to stop you from marrying her. She may never be able to bring herself to treat him with all the respect he deserves as your elder brother; an attitude if not managed well may bring about a permanent crack in the quality of friendship between you and your brother.
Managing a home and maintaining a balance in the relationships between you, your family as well as friends entails tremendous wisdom and craft. If you tell your woman about your brother’s disapproval of her, you may be forfeiting the opportunity of assuring your brother of your ability to control your home.
Besides, telling her may also pit her against other family members who may want to rally behind your brother if she insults him.
If you are sure of the choice you made and that your elder’s brother opposition isn’t premised on something more fundamental; please go ahead and secure your own happiness.
Good luck.
Can’t found her, now that I know she’s nice indeed
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help. My ex-girlfriend whom I thought was wrong for me turns out to be the right one for me.
Years ago, I left her because of her very nasty and unreasonable temperament. But after all my experiences, I have discovered that despite her fault, she still has the best conduct and character.
We lost contact many years ago. Her number I have seems no longer to be in use. A friend of mine, who recently saw her, six months ago, misplaced the number and address she gave him.
I am desperate to reach her. I don’t know where to search for her. I am really confused. What should I do?
Taror.
Dear Taror,
Acknowledging that she has qualities others don’t have is the first step.
This acknowledgment would give you the necessary drive to make you go the extra mile in your search for her. It has also eclipsed whatever doubts you have about your ability to manage her temper as well as other challenges that might come your way as a couple.
Your past experience has also made it possible for you to be very objective in your thinking and choices.
What you should do now is to begin your search from the very last place you both parted. She isn’t a needle or ghost that would vanish with her roots. Someone, somewhere must know something about her and her current address. How and where did you meet?
When you were dating, what friends do you have in common? Who were her very close friends and among your circle of friends, who was she closest to? Where did your friend run into her? If he doesn’t remember her precise address, she must have given an information that would lead to her whereabouts.
Go back to places and people she visited. Depending on how you treated her, you may not get the red carpet treatment from friends and family members that still have one or two things against you over the way you dumped her. If this is the case, be prepared to be patient, to continue to give them every assurance that this time around you are for real and know the value of this woman your heart yearns for.
If you allow yourself to be discouraged or get angry with some of the things they may say to you, you may never be able to meet her.
And if they have moved from their previous address, it can’t be so long ago that people in the area where she once lived won’t know anything about her or her family. Go there and ask questions about her in the neighbourhood.
Look for phone numbers of persons likely to have her contact. Plead with them to give you her number. Explain to them your new feelings for her as well as your desire to have her to yourself now.
Make sure you drop the hint of your regrets and belated realisation that she is the best thing that has happened to you in a long while.
She may have asked your friend not to give you her number because of the way you treated her. So go back to that friend to explain your new feelings for this woman. Tell this friend and your other friends all about your dreams of having her back in your life. Don’t be shy to let them know about your desperation and determination to have her in your life.
Being able to convince your friends to queue behind you means you won’t be the only one searching for her. Several others, who believe in your love for her would at the end of the day also join you in your search, thereby helping to widen the scope of your search and brightening your prospect of finding her.
And when you finally see her, don’t frighten her off by coming too strong. Don’t forget she may be in a relationship with a man she may have come to love and respect for being able to tolerate the defect you were not ready to put up with. If in a very serious relationship it might not be very easy getting her to jettison certainty for uncertainty.
So you must begin by being her friend first. She has to be convinced through your behaviour that you would not lead her on and abandon her to her fate again. Don’t forget she must have been hurt by the way you treated her in the past and may not show too much enthusiasm for having you back in her life even if she isn’t dating anybody.
Yes, your relationship stands to benefit tremendously from the experiences of the past, but she must be given enough time to properly weigh her options like you. Don’t forget there are certain things about your behaviour too that was bringing all the tempers. She has to be convinced too that just like you she would be able to cope with them as best as you have made up your mind to do with her own shortcomings.
The extreme is for you to take a shortcut to her. The idea is to take advantage of popular romantic programmes on radio, television or newspapers to reach her. Desperate situation requires desperate solutions. The extent of your need for her would determine how far you are prepared to go to get your message across.
This is your life so don’t waste too much time because this is what you don’t have in abundance. Being a woman, she may be at the point of taking an all-important decision, one she may be taking with some regrets and secret tears in her heart.
Your call or presence may be what would make the most difference in her life as well as yours.
By also praying and asking God to intervene on your behalf is another way of preventing her from saying yes to another man before you get to her. Tell God to help you keep her if she is the right woman for you.
But if by the time you get to her, she belongs exclusively to another man, just know that your realisation of other qualities is meant to help you focus deeper on those essentials you need in a woman. No experience happens without a lesson.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help. My ex-girlfriend whom I thought was wrong for me turns out to be the right one for me.
Years ago, I left her because of her very nasty and unreasonable temperament. But after all my experiences, I have discovered that despite her fault, she still has the best conduct and character.
We lost contact many years ago. Her number I have seems no longer to be in use. A friend of mine, who recently saw her, six months ago, misplaced the number and address she gave him.
I am desperate to reach her. I don’t know where to search for her. I am really confused. What should I do?
Taror.
Dear Taror,
Acknowledging that she has qualities others don’t have is the first step.
This acknowledgment would give you the necessary drive to make you go the extra mile in your search for her. It has also eclipsed whatever doubts you have about your ability to manage her temper as well as other challenges that might come your way as a couple.
Your past experience has also made it possible for you to be very objective in your thinking and choices.
What you should do now is to begin your search from the very last place you both parted. She isn’t a needle or ghost that would vanish with her roots. Someone, somewhere must know something about her and her current address. How and where did you meet?
When you were dating, what friends do you have in common? Who were her very close friends and among your circle of friends, who was she closest to? Where did your friend run into her? If he doesn’t remember her precise address, she must have given an information that would lead to her whereabouts.
Go back to places and people she visited. Depending on how you treated her, you may not get the red carpet treatment from friends and family members that still have one or two things against you over the way you dumped her. If this is the case, be prepared to be patient, to continue to give them every assurance that this time around you are for real and know the value of this woman your heart yearns for.
If you allow yourself to be discouraged or get angry with some of the things they may say to you, you may never be able to meet her.
And if they have moved from their previous address, it can’t be so long ago that people in the area where she once lived won’t know anything about her or her family. Go there and ask questions about her in the neighbourhood.
Look for phone numbers of persons likely to have her contact. Plead with them to give you her number. Explain to them your new feelings for her as well as your desire to have her to yourself now.
Make sure you drop the hint of your regrets and belated realisation that she is the best thing that has happened to you in a long while.
She may have asked your friend not to give you her number because of the way you treated her. So go back to that friend to explain your new feelings for this woman. Tell this friend and your other friends all about your dreams of having her back in your life. Don’t be shy to let them know about your desperation and determination to have her in your life.
Being able to convince your friends to queue behind you means you won’t be the only one searching for her. Several others, who believe in your love for her would at the end of the day also join you in your search, thereby helping to widen the scope of your search and brightening your prospect of finding her.
And when you finally see her, don’t frighten her off by coming too strong. Don’t forget she may be in a relationship with a man she may have come to love and respect for being able to tolerate the defect you were not ready to put up with. If in a very serious relationship it might not be very easy getting her to jettison certainty for uncertainty.
So you must begin by being her friend first. She has to be convinced through your behaviour that you would not lead her on and abandon her to her fate again. Don’t forget she must have been hurt by the way you treated her in the past and may not show too much enthusiasm for having you back in her life even if she isn’t dating anybody.
Yes, your relationship stands to benefit tremendously from the experiences of the past, but she must be given enough time to properly weigh her options like you. Don’t forget there are certain things about your behaviour too that was bringing all the tempers. She has to be convinced too that just like you she would be able to cope with them as best as you have made up your mind to do with her own shortcomings.
The extreme is for you to take a shortcut to her. The idea is to take advantage of popular romantic programmes on radio, television or newspapers to reach her. Desperate situation requires desperate solutions. The extent of your need for her would determine how far you are prepared to go to get your message across.
This is your life so don’t waste too much time because this is what you don’t have in abundance. Being a woman, she may be at the point of taking an all-important decision, one she may be taking with some regrets and secret tears in her heart.
Your call or presence may be what would make the most difference in her life as well as yours.
By also praying and asking God to intervene on your behalf is another way of preventing her from saying yes to another man before you get to her. Tell God to help you keep her if she is the right woman for you.
But if by the time you get to her, she belongs exclusively to another man, just know that your realisation of other qualities is meant to help you focus deeper on those essentials you need in a woman. No experience happens without a lesson.
Good luck.
Friday, January 6, 2012
He can’t control his zeal for extramarital affairs
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My partner and I have been engaged for four years and hoping to get married soon. A year ago, we jointly acquired a property. By the way, we live abroad.
Despite having two children from a previous relationship, he has been very good to me. He treats my children as his.
Three years ago, he cheated on me and I caught him. He promised it would never happen again. I forgave him. We have had a very good relationship until last week when I discovered a message on his phone from another woman. Message reads, “Thanks for the cute message you left on my car, but who are you?”
I confronted him about the message, which he first denied but had to own up to it when I persisted. He confessed leaving the message on the girl’s car. He claimed he was only admiring her shape and appologised; he again promised it would never happen again. I said nothing at the time since I couldn’t believe it was happening again.
A week later, I called him aside and announced my readiness to discuss the matter. To my surprise he blew his lid; insisting he has already apologised and that I like taking things too far. He said if we were in Nigeria, he would date other girls and that I wouldn’t have been able to prevent it. He said I am African hence I should stop behaving like a European. I was very hurt because I expected reassurances from him.
That night, I left the engagement ring in his wardrobe in an envelope; moved out of our bedroom into the guest room, and we haven’t spoken to each other since. I am very confused as to what to do now. Should I just end the relationship because I feel he is taking me for granted? But I am also worried I might be taking things too far as he said.
I don’t want to call his mother to report the incident to her. Being Muslims, I think their religion supports such. What do I do?
Bola.
Dear Bola,
Giving him back his ring and moving out of the bedroom isn’t a solution; rather it underscores your own lack of total understanding of the complex nature of a relationship. Doubtless, he has made a mistake but not enough to end a good relationship.
Granted, marriage creed preaches absolute faithfulness but everyday experience increasingly mocks the viability of this. While it is not something that should be encouraged but if all married couples were to end their marriages on account of this, you will be alarmed that the few number of marriages that would remain standing.
Unpalatable and undesirable this development is, this is the reality most marriages and relationships daily battle. Despite attempts by Christianity to put a stop to it, it has continued to flourish sometimes involving men and women of God who are supposed to be custodians of sound morals in the society.
Many women have been forced to take the difficult choice of looking the other way and not make the hasty decision of quitting. At any rate, leaving only gives the other woman the much-needed chance to move in.
You left your first relationship because of a problem. For how long would you continue to run away from problems? How do you again explain to your children who have gotten used to this man that he isn’t perfect? Successful management of our lives derives more on wisdom than on anything else. Problems, in whatever guise they come from, are to be tackled fearlessly and without too much bias, because it never goes away unless effectively challenged.
There is no relationship without hiccups and mostly these come from infidelity on the part of the man and in some cases the women.
Would you have found it as easy giving him back his ring were it a wedding one and not the engagement ring it is? Without you saying much, it means the four years you have been engaged aren’t important to you at all.
What you have done in terms of assurances is also to tell him, he doesn’t mean a thing to you.
Don’t run away this time. What peace and hopes did he bring into your life? How would you describe your years together? In terms of fulfillment as a woman, what did these years do for you?
See what is happening between you as a perfect opportunity for both of you to discuss those things you failed to discuss at the beginning of your relationship, to iron out all the grey areas and to look inwards at your own faults.
Our relationship is our life, our history; our heritage. There is no way you can move on successfully in life if there is a nagging problem in our relationship. It is either you completely make up your mind not to go into a relationship and protect yourself against hurts that come from being with in love with another man or learn to accommodate and deal with these expected pains.
Yes, he has said a lot of unprintable things. This is fact! But it also doesn’t say he doesn’t care about you again. With some men you just can’t stop them from chasing after other women with force.
There are several ways of fighting this battle without having to give him up.
But before you embark on this, please honestly answer those questions I asked, because the success you achieve with him depends on your own certainty of him as being the right man for you.
If sure, move back into his room because if you are waiting for him to apologise after the initial one he offered you, it may take a while. Like you he is also hurting that after everything, you can easily end the relationship and take away from him the love and presence of the children he has come to see as his. He sees in your action, a deeper betrayal, the reality that he isn’t after all the real father of those children. Hence you could take them away from him at the slightest provocation.
If he has been a good father figure to them, you should put that too into consideration and find it in your heart the determination to iron out the problem between you two.
In the first instance, what sort of woman are you? What sort of women is he interested in outside. You said he admitted to have developed interest in the other woman due to her shape. What shape are you in? What has he persistently complained about?
Although, ideally these are not enough reasons for him to go out but a man looking for an opportunity would latch on almost anything, including the ridiculous to his advantage.
Even though some of the excuses men give to misbehave are simply excuses, but in some cases these are real. If you need a little trimming down, don’t neglect to in your battle to keep him. Wearing trendy as well as smart clothes should also be part of your effort to make him happy.
Having stayed with him for more than four years, you know the right button to touch to deflate the tension between the two of you. If you were married legally, you would have found a way and since you both have gone to the length of buying a property together, it means, you have a good thing going for you two.
Betrayal is always very painful but love has a way of conquering all things.
Go and apologise to him for giving him back his ring. After the dust settles; make effort to know what he sees in these other women, which are missing in you. Be smart; listen to what he is not saying because that would be your cue for this relationship.
It is also important you know his thinking about polygamy as well as his view on religion. Best, if you both resolve it now.
Whatever you both do, give wisdom a pride of place.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
My partner and I have been engaged for four years and hoping to get married soon. A year ago, we jointly acquired a property. By the way, we live abroad.
Despite having two children from a previous relationship, he has been very good to me. He treats my children as his.
Three years ago, he cheated on me and I caught him. He promised it would never happen again. I forgave him. We have had a very good relationship until last week when I discovered a message on his phone from another woman. Message reads, “Thanks for the cute message you left on my car, but who are you?”
I confronted him about the message, which he first denied but had to own up to it when I persisted. He confessed leaving the message on the girl’s car. He claimed he was only admiring her shape and appologised; he again promised it would never happen again. I said nothing at the time since I couldn’t believe it was happening again.
A week later, I called him aside and announced my readiness to discuss the matter. To my surprise he blew his lid; insisting he has already apologised and that I like taking things too far. He said if we were in Nigeria, he would date other girls and that I wouldn’t have been able to prevent it. He said I am African hence I should stop behaving like a European. I was very hurt because I expected reassurances from him.
That night, I left the engagement ring in his wardrobe in an envelope; moved out of our bedroom into the guest room, and we haven’t spoken to each other since. I am very confused as to what to do now. Should I just end the relationship because I feel he is taking me for granted? But I am also worried I might be taking things too far as he said.
I don’t want to call his mother to report the incident to her. Being Muslims, I think their religion supports such. What do I do?
Bola.
Dear Bola,
Giving him back his ring and moving out of the bedroom isn’t a solution; rather it underscores your own lack of total understanding of the complex nature of a relationship. Doubtless, he has made a mistake but not enough to end a good relationship.
Granted, marriage creed preaches absolute faithfulness but everyday experience increasingly mocks the viability of this. While it is not something that should be encouraged but if all married couples were to end their marriages on account of this, you will be alarmed that the few number of marriages that would remain standing.
Unpalatable and undesirable this development is, this is the reality most marriages and relationships daily battle. Despite attempts by Christianity to put a stop to it, it has continued to flourish sometimes involving men and women of God who are supposed to be custodians of sound morals in the society.
Many women have been forced to take the difficult choice of looking the other way and not make the hasty decision of quitting. At any rate, leaving only gives the other woman the much-needed chance to move in.
You left your first relationship because of a problem. For how long would you continue to run away from problems? How do you again explain to your children who have gotten used to this man that he isn’t perfect? Successful management of our lives derives more on wisdom than on anything else. Problems, in whatever guise they come from, are to be tackled fearlessly and without too much bias, because it never goes away unless effectively challenged.
There is no relationship without hiccups and mostly these come from infidelity on the part of the man and in some cases the women.
Would you have found it as easy giving him back his ring were it a wedding one and not the engagement ring it is? Without you saying much, it means the four years you have been engaged aren’t important to you at all.
What you have done in terms of assurances is also to tell him, he doesn’t mean a thing to you.
Don’t run away this time. What peace and hopes did he bring into your life? How would you describe your years together? In terms of fulfillment as a woman, what did these years do for you?
See what is happening between you as a perfect opportunity for both of you to discuss those things you failed to discuss at the beginning of your relationship, to iron out all the grey areas and to look inwards at your own faults.
Our relationship is our life, our history; our heritage. There is no way you can move on successfully in life if there is a nagging problem in our relationship. It is either you completely make up your mind not to go into a relationship and protect yourself against hurts that come from being with in love with another man or learn to accommodate and deal with these expected pains.
Yes, he has said a lot of unprintable things. This is fact! But it also doesn’t say he doesn’t care about you again. With some men you just can’t stop them from chasing after other women with force.
There are several ways of fighting this battle without having to give him up.
But before you embark on this, please honestly answer those questions I asked, because the success you achieve with him depends on your own certainty of him as being the right man for you.
If sure, move back into his room because if you are waiting for him to apologise after the initial one he offered you, it may take a while. Like you he is also hurting that after everything, you can easily end the relationship and take away from him the love and presence of the children he has come to see as his. He sees in your action, a deeper betrayal, the reality that he isn’t after all the real father of those children. Hence you could take them away from him at the slightest provocation.
If he has been a good father figure to them, you should put that too into consideration and find it in your heart the determination to iron out the problem between you two.
In the first instance, what sort of woman are you? What sort of women is he interested in outside. You said he admitted to have developed interest in the other woman due to her shape. What shape are you in? What has he persistently complained about?
Although, ideally these are not enough reasons for him to go out but a man looking for an opportunity would latch on almost anything, including the ridiculous to his advantage.
Even though some of the excuses men give to misbehave are simply excuses, but in some cases these are real. If you need a little trimming down, don’t neglect to in your battle to keep him. Wearing trendy as well as smart clothes should also be part of your effort to make him happy.
Having stayed with him for more than four years, you know the right button to touch to deflate the tension between the two of you. If you were married legally, you would have found a way and since you both have gone to the length of buying a property together, it means, you have a good thing going for you two.
Betrayal is always very painful but love has a way of conquering all things.
Go and apologise to him for giving him back his ring. After the dust settles; make effort to know what he sees in these other women, which are missing in you. Be smart; listen to what he is not saying because that would be your cue for this relationship.
It is also important you know his thinking about polygamy as well as his view on religion. Best, if you both resolve it now.
Whatever you both do, give wisdom a pride of place.
Good luck
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Mum insists I marry Yoruba girl…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am one of your regular readers and always like the way you answer questions.
My problem is that my mother is tribal. She is determined I don’t marry anybody outside the Yoruba race. Since I started dating, I have never had the luck of dating a woman from my side of the country. All the ladies I have dated so far are either from the eastern or south-southern part of the country.
But my mother is forever sending them away. I have tried to stop her hostility towards my girlfriends but it is of no use. The implication of her refusal is my inability to get a woman whom I truly love to stay with me.
Please help me.
Taiwo.
Dear Taiwo,
How old are you? Are you still an underage? In which case, you must continue to endure your mother’s interferences because you are still under her authority. But if you are old enough to be on your own, then you are to blame.
Your mother is still having her way in your love life because you haven’t made up your mind about what you want from life and women generally.
The moment you make up your mind, your first decision would be to get a house of your own to minimise the influence of your mother in your life. None of these women would stay if they have to constantly endure the unfriendly nature of your mother.
Your real test as a man is to first give yourself the space to grow your confidence by having a place of your own; where you can think without other influences of the type of woman you really want in your life.
There is no way you can really have an opinion of your own or a say in your life if your mother is determined to ensure her ways are the only right ones.
Besides, it would save you both a lot of tense moments if you have your individual spaces to breathe and think.
The essence of having your own place goes beyond giving yourself space from your mother; it is also to signpost you as a man who have come of age, able to make his decision, capable of being head of his home and manage the delicate balance between the two most important women in his life – his mother and wife.
Given your mother’s mindset, there is no way you would be able to convince any woman, no matter how very much she may love you to tolerate hostility from your mother on account of tribe. While a woman can make some adjustments in her attitude to accommodate the feelings of her husband and mother-in-law, opposition based on tribal sentiments are always so difficult to resolve. No matter what a woman does, once tribalism is the bane of her problem with her in-laws, especially her man’s mother, the patience to teach the woman the ways of the people as well as the peculiarities of her new family would be completely absent.
For a long time, the woman may only have to depend on the sole support of her husband to remain in the family. And if her husband is one of those who lacks a mind of his own, the woman is left alone to carry her can until such a time she is thrown out of the house due to outside influences of her home.
You must therefore, from this early beginning, begin to plan the quality of your happiness as well as that of your wife.
Before you bring in a woman into your life, who isn’t from your side of the country ensure you have all it takes to withstand and shield your woman from your mother’s hostility.
This is the most important task before you now. You may love a woman more than anything else in the world, but if you lack the guts and fearless attitude to protect her from emotional trauma, the love no matter how strong would suffer a major set back. The pains would not only be for her but you also get to suffer because the happiness you, as the man, would have enjoyed, being with the woman of your dreams, would also die a natural death leaving you with nothing but regrets throughout your lifetime.
Because happiness is not tribal, go to your mother to plead with her to allow you find your happiness in any part of the country or world God has placed it.
Impress it on her that your choice of these women outside your geographical zone is divine and that much as you have tried to contract a relationship with a woman from your side of the country, it hasn’t worked. You more than anyone else know your mother, her weakness and your place in her heart. Use your knowledge of her to weaken her position by telling her that where a person comes from isn’t as important as the person’s attitude and moral values. And that you could come from the same womb without having the understanding and temperament to cohabit in peace. To make your task easier arm yourself with information on the number of people in your area who though are from the same place but still went their different ways due to irreconcilable differences. Also look for examples of cross tribal marriages, which are working beautifully well.
If there are one or two persons, extremely close to her who enjoy her confidence and respect, send them to her to water down her attitude. What she needs is information and assurances that a tribally different wife would not make you forget her. Telling her this is more a function of whom the person really is than where the person comes from might also have some positive impact on her.
Sincerely, it is important you resolve this issue with her before deciding on the woman to marry. It would prevent the greater danger of you losing the woman to your mother’s hostility.
Telling the woman before-hand about your mother’s tribal nature would also help to prevent instant anger on her part. It would prepare her for the expected hostility as well as arm her with all the ammunition she needs to scale through.
The ladies you took home all ran away because you didn’t tell them before hand. If you had prepared them for what they were going to meet at home, one of them would have shown you the understanding to stay.
Once a couple is able to put in a place a structure of understanding, the strength and patience to fight for each other would be evolved.
Importantly, learn to pray so you don’t end up marrying the wrong bone to please the desires of your mother. To survive the natural challenges of marriage, it helps a great deal to be with your God-given partner.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am one of your regular readers and always like the way you answer questions.
My problem is that my mother is tribal. She is determined I don’t marry anybody outside the Yoruba race. Since I started dating, I have never had the luck of dating a woman from my side of the country. All the ladies I have dated so far are either from the eastern or south-southern part of the country.
But my mother is forever sending them away. I have tried to stop her hostility towards my girlfriends but it is of no use. The implication of her refusal is my inability to get a woman whom I truly love to stay with me.
Please help me.
Taiwo.
Dear Taiwo,
How old are you? Are you still an underage? In which case, you must continue to endure your mother’s interferences because you are still under her authority. But if you are old enough to be on your own, then you are to blame.
Your mother is still having her way in your love life because you haven’t made up your mind about what you want from life and women generally.
The moment you make up your mind, your first decision would be to get a house of your own to minimise the influence of your mother in your life. None of these women would stay if they have to constantly endure the unfriendly nature of your mother.
Your real test as a man is to first give yourself the space to grow your confidence by having a place of your own; where you can think without other influences of the type of woman you really want in your life.
There is no way you can really have an opinion of your own or a say in your life if your mother is determined to ensure her ways are the only right ones.
Besides, it would save you both a lot of tense moments if you have your individual spaces to breathe and think.
The essence of having your own place goes beyond giving yourself space from your mother; it is also to signpost you as a man who have come of age, able to make his decision, capable of being head of his home and manage the delicate balance between the two most important women in his life – his mother and wife.
Given your mother’s mindset, there is no way you would be able to convince any woman, no matter how very much she may love you to tolerate hostility from your mother on account of tribe. While a woman can make some adjustments in her attitude to accommodate the feelings of her husband and mother-in-law, opposition based on tribal sentiments are always so difficult to resolve. No matter what a woman does, once tribalism is the bane of her problem with her in-laws, especially her man’s mother, the patience to teach the woman the ways of the people as well as the peculiarities of her new family would be completely absent.
For a long time, the woman may only have to depend on the sole support of her husband to remain in the family. And if her husband is one of those who lacks a mind of his own, the woman is left alone to carry her can until such a time she is thrown out of the house due to outside influences of her home.
You must therefore, from this early beginning, begin to plan the quality of your happiness as well as that of your wife.
Before you bring in a woman into your life, who isn’t from your side of the country ensure you have all it takes to withstand and shield your woman from your mother’s hostility.
This is the most important task before you now. You may love a woman more than anything else in the world, but if you lack the guts and fearless attitude to protect her from emotional trauma, the love no matter how strong would suffer a major set back. The pains would not only be for her but you also get to suffer because the happiness you, as the man, would have enjoyed, being with the woman of your dreams, would also die a natural death leaving you with nothing but regrets throughout your lifetime.
Because happiness is not tribal, go to your mother to plead with her to allow you find your happiness in any part of the country or world God has placed it.
Impress it on her that your choice of these women outside your geographical zone is divine and that much as you have tried to contract a relationship with a woman from your side of the country, it hasn’t worked. You more than anyone else know your mother, her weakness and your place in her heart. Use your knowledge of her to weaken her position by telling her that where a person comes from isn’t as important as the person’s attitude and moral values. And that you could come from the same womb without having the understanding and temperament to cohabit in peace. To make your task easier arm yourself with information on the number of people in your area who though are from the same place but still went their different ways due to irreconcilable differences. Also look for examples of cross tribal marriages, which are working beautifully well.
If there are one or two persons, extremely close to her who enjoy her confidence and respect, send them to her to water down her attitude. What she needs is information and assurances that a tribally different wife would not make you forget her. Telling her this is more a function of whom the person really is than where the person comes from might also have some positive impact on her.
Sincerely, it is important you resolve this issue with her before deciding on the woman to marry. It would prevent the greater danger of you losing the woman to your mother’s hostility.
Telling the woman before-hand about your mother’s tribal nature would also help to prevent instant anger on her part. It would prepare her for the expected hostility as well as arm her with all the ammunition she needs to scale through.
The ladies you took home all ran away because you didn’t tell them before hand. If you had prepared them for what they were going to meet at home, one of them would have shown you the understanding to stay.
Once a couple is able to put in a place a structure of understanding, the strength and patience to fight for each other would be evolved.
Importantly, learn to pray so you don’t end up marrying the wrong bone to please the desires of your mother. To survive the natural challenges of marriage, it helps a great deal to be with your God-given partner.
Good luck.
She junkets across the nation
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a graduate waiting for my NYSC call up letter.
I have a girlfriend whom I started dating since my first year at the university whom I intend marrying.
But I have a problem with her. She is so desperate to make so much money during her one year Industrial Training programme. This is resulting to her travelling from one state to the other, staying in different hotels.
As a young girl staying away from home and being on her own in all these hotels, I am worried about the danger she is exposing herself to. Anytime I try to point her at the immense danger she constantly exposes herself to, she thinks I am out to discourage her. What do I do?
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
Trust her and give her all the encouragement to grow. Provided she isn’t jumping from one man’s bed to another, is determined to earn her money through hard-work, isn’t scared of working for her money, count yourself very lucky to have such an industrious young lady. It is refreshing to have a young lady these days who believes in making money through sheer hard work and not on her back.
She is probably very considerate; wanting to use this opportunity she has to make money to support herself knowing that you may not have enough to give her on demand.
There is always an element of danger in anything we do, even the most basic thing of eating. The danger of choking on food has not stopped anybody from eating or those whose members of family died from eating a meal.
Life itself is entrenched in danger. If we worry about all the major and minor dangers we daily face, we would be incapacitated by fear. Some people don’t even leave the comfort of their home to die of motor accidents or suffer from dangerous injuries resulting from accidents.
There have been incidents of people dying from stray bullets, which hit them right in the perceived security of their homes.
Yes, the conditions of the roads may spice up fear of her arriving at her various destinations safely, fact remains that only the grace of God is capable of sustaining us all.
If you belief in God and His awesome presence, allow her be because no amount of worrying would stop the hand of fate from ticking to its destination. The only thing that can is prayer. Wherever you are or she is, pray for her. Ensure you keep in touch through phone calls or text messages. This way, you would know when she is in danger and needs your help.
Besides, since these trips are sponsored officially, there is little danger of her lodging in a hotel or guesthouse that would put her in any real threat.
A lot also depends on how you handle your concern for her. No person is immune against concern; however the problem of reciprocation comes from how the concern is packaged or the motive of the one expressing the concern.
She would appreciate it more if she understands you are not complaining because you don’t trust her or suspects her trip of being anything other than the official business she presents to be.
If she suspects you of not trusting her to be a decent girl or using the trips as good excuses to cover up her other activities, nothing you say would make sense to her due to mistrust of your intentions and motive.
But once she knows that your concern for her are expressed because of the love you have for her and fear of losing her should anything happen to her, she would not only be more appreciative but also learn to slow down a bit on her drive to make money.
No matter how tough a woman is, once she comes to the full realisation of how much her man loves her and wants to give her his maximum protection against harm; she would strive to put his interest first.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a graduate waiting for my NYSC call up letter.
I have a girlfriend whom I started dating since my first year at the university whom I intend marrying.
But I have a problem with her. She is so desperate to make so much money during her one year Industrial Training programme. This is resulting to her travelling from one state to the other, staying in different hotels.
As a young girl staying away from home and being on her own in all these hotels, I am worried about the danger she is exposing herself to. Anytime I try to point her at the immense danger she constantly exposes herself to, she thinks I am out to discourage her. What do I do?
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
Trust her and give her all the encouragement to grow. Provided she isn’t jumping from one man’s bed to another, is determined to earn her money through hard-work, isn’t scared of working for her money, count yourself very lucky to have such an industrious young lady. It is refreshing to have a young lady these days who believes in making money through sheer hard work and not on her back.
She is probably very considerate; wanting to use this opportunity she has to make money to support herself knowing that you may not have enough to give her on demand.
There is always an element of danger in anything we do, even the most basic thing of eating. The danger of choking on food has not stopped anybody from eating or those whose members of family died from eating a meal.
Life itself is entrenched in danger. If we worry about all the major and minor dangers we daily face, we would be incapacitated by fear. Some people don’t even leave the comfort of their home to die of motor accidents or suffer from dangerous injuries resulting from accidents.
There have been incidents of people dying from stray bullets, which hit them right in the perceived security of their homes.
Yes, the conditions of the roads may spice up fear of her arriving at her various destinations safely, fact remains that only the grace of God is capable of sustaining us all.
If you belief in God and His awesome presence, allow her be because no amount of worrying would stop the hand of fate from ticking to its destination. The only thing that can is prayer. Wherever you are or she is, pray for her. Ensure you keep in touch through phone calls or text messages. This way, you would know when she is in danger and needs your help.
Besides, since these trips are sponsored officially, there is little danger of her lodging in a hotel or guesthouse that would put her in any real threat.
A lot also depends on how you handle your concern for her. No person is immune against concern; however the problem of reciprocation comes from how the concern is packaged or the motive of the one expressing the concern.
She would appreciate it more if she understands you are not complaining because you don’t trust her or suspects her trip of being anything other than the official business she presents to be.
If she suspects you of not trusting her to be a decent girl or using the trips as good excuses to cover up her other activities, nothing you say would make sense to her due to mistrust of your intentions and motive.
But once she knows that your concern for her are expressed because of the love you have for her and fear of losing her should anything happen to her, she would not only be more appreciative but also learn to slow down a bit on her drive to make money.
No matter how tough a woman is, once she comes to the full realisation of how much her man loves her and wants to give her his maximum protection against harm; she would strive to put his interest first.
Good luck.
He may drop me for my friend if…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I appreciated your efforts in helping youths like me and married people in our society to really know who we are and what we actually worth. I pray that the Almighty God will continue to strengthen you and will do every thing you ask of Him.
I am a girl of 21 years of age in a relationship with a man of 27. I really love him so much that I would do almost anything not to lose him.
Before I met him, I vowed following the way my brothers and a lot of other men were cheating on their girlfriends never to fall in love with a man.
I simply wasn’t ready for the use and dump game or the emotional instability a lot of my friends were passing through as a result of the insincerity of their men.
Although I have nothing against having men as my friends, but it was having a relationship with them that I was afraid of. Due to my decision to keep my distance from them, a lot of them didn’t know how to come near me for a relationship.
Unfortunately, I met this guy who incidentally attends the same church with me. Being of the same church, beliefs and doctrine as me, I didn’t envisage any problem with him hence I allowed myself to fall in love with him. In no time, I was really in love with him, but my feelings for him didn’t prevent me from telling him from the beginning about my decision not to go to bed with a man until my wedding night.
Even though he agreed but I am now apprehensive at the way he is putting pressures on me to give in to his sexual demands. I am afraid if I don’t, it might lead him to dropping me for another girl.
A friend I told about the pressures he was putting on me told me to give in to his demands if I don’t want to lose him to another girl.
Despite these nagging fears, I cannot submit to sex with him because of the covenant I went into with God and my mother not to until my wedding night.
But I am now afraid at the way he relates with this girlfriend of mine. They chat, hug, and take delight in calling me an innocent born again. If he calls me twice in a day, he would call her five times that day. He even compares this girl with me; telling me she is a real big girl who understands life.
Agatha, please I am afraid that this girl might snatch him from me. All my efforts to make him understand that I truly love him and that sex is not love have so far fallen on deaf ears. I really love him and I cry all day and night at the way things are between us.
This is a very painful love; one I wish I didn’t feel for this man. Whenever I remember him, it makes me want to go mad. I wish I do not love him, because it is like it is running me mad. Please do anything possible to help me; I don’t know what to do again.
Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Sincerely, you don’t need this man or friend in your life. Their presence in your life would only derail you. Friends are meant to encourage one to stay on the right track and not discourage one from doing the right thing. A good friend would give you all the support you need to be strong and stay determined not to deliberately set out to hurt you or force you to do what she wants.
Instead of romancing your boyfriend, friendship creed demands she continues to give you her support irrespective of what she thinks of your decision. That she is joining your boyfriend to apply emotional blackmail on you shows that she is somebody you must avoid if you are serious about keeping that vow of yours.
From the behaviour of these two, it is obvious that this man never loved you but simply wanted a chance to get close to you, break down your defences to enable him have his way with you.
This is one thing you must guard against. The answer to keeping your vows is not in avoiding men but in your determination to be focused.
Pains are part of falling in love. You are feeling very lousy, not from being in love with this man but from the betrayal of trust. You must have trusted him before you gave him your love. It is the betrayed trust in a relationship that brings about the pains you are now feelings.
Doubtless both of them have betrayed you in more ways than you even can imagine now. Their behaviour goes beyond the immediate issue of you sleeping with your boyfriend, but also of their faith and applications of the doctrine your church preaches.
If you don’t make the necessary effort now to wrestle yourself from the grips of these two persons, you may find yourself losing faith in the church and what its stands for.
Because of this, you must choose between what is very essential to you, your relationship with God, or allow yourself flow into a relationship that is already doomed from the beginning.
From the behaviour of these two; there is no guarantee that this man and your friend would still not date even if you agree to sleeping with him. For this man, it isn’t a matter of you agreeing to sleep with him, but that of him knowing what he wants from life.
Until he does that, you are not the right woman for him. You will only get hurt staying with him because your love is not what he wants now. Even though he and you attend the same church, the doctrine of the church means nothing to him. Sex would always come first with him and until he comes of age maturely, it wouldn’t matter to him where the sex is coming from.
If he has any respect for you, no matter the temptations your friend offers him; whatever he feels about your decision not to have sex with him or the reason he has for whatever it is he is doing with your friend, he would first consider your feelings. That he seems indifferent to the aches and pains in your heart over his conduct is evidence of his lack of sensitivity to you.
The man you need is the one who has enough respect for you to put his feelings second to your own. Love is about selflessness. To have sexual feelings is normal so what his feelings isn’t out of place, but what is definitely out of place is not putting your reason and feelings before his.
A man who loves you would not mind the emotional discomfort of not being able to sleep with you now; knowing that he would eventually have all of you to himself when the time is right.
In the matters of life, our covenant with God is the most important. He remains the only stable force in life turbulent ocean. If you forsake God out of fear of losing this man – who would you turn to when this man decides to leave you for other woman? Who will heal you of the pains of betrayal and disappointment?
I think you should count yourself very lucky he manifested himself before you changed your mind about sleeping with him. How would you have felt if after giving of yourself to him; he still drops you for another girl on account of the other person being more experienced than you or that he has fallen in love with that person? It could have been worse and your pains more grave.
Keep insisting you would not give to his demands and that if he loves you; he would willingly wait for you to be ready for him.
Yes, the pains of first love may hurt deeper than others but you would overcome it. Time, the greatest healer, never fails to do its work. And because you did it for God, He would give you a man who would always put your interest and happiness before his.
You are feeling the pains because you didn’t ask God for His input before going into the relationship. Had you looked beyond the physical structure of the church to the church in his heart; his real person through prayers, you would have known the storm he represents in your life.
Whatever you do, don’t allow the pains and acute disappointment you have experienced with him stop you from falling in love. The beauty about life is the many times we are able to recover after each fall.
All you have to do is to remain focused by refusing to take the popular options. The most beautiful results we get from life are usually from the difficult options we take.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I appreciated your efforts in helping youths like me and married people in our society to really know who we are and what we actually worth. I pray that the Almighty God will continue to strengthen you and will do every thing you ask of Him.
I am a girl of 21 years of age in a relationship with a man of 27. I really love him so much that I would do almost anything not to lose him.
Before I met him, I vowed following the way my brothers and a lot of other men were cheating on their girlfriends never to fall in love with a man.
I simply wasn’t ready for the use and dump game or the emotional instability a lot of my friends were passing through as a result of the insincerity of their men.
Although I have nothing against having men as my friends, but it was having a relationship with them that I was afraid of. Due to my decision to keep my distance from them, a lot of them didn’t know how to come near me for a relationship.
Unfortunately, I met this guy who incidentally attends the same church with me. Being of the same church, beliefs and doctrine as me, I didn’t envisage any problem with him hence I allowed myself to fall in love with him. In no time, I was really in love with him, but my feelings for him didn’t prevent me from telling him from the beginning about my decision not to go to bed with a man until my wedding night.
Even though he agreed but I am now apprehensive at the way he is putting pressures on me to give in to his sexual demands. I am afraid if I don’t, it might lead him to dropping me for another girl.
A friend I told about the pressures he was putting on me told me to give in to his demands if I don’t want to lose him to another girl.
Despite these nagging fears, I cannot submit to sex with him because of the covenant I went into with God and my mother not to until my wedding night.
But I am now afraid at the way he relates with this girlfriend of mine. They chat, hug, and take delight in calling me an innocent born again. If he calls me twice in a day, he would call her five times that day. He even compares this girl with me; telling me she is a real big girl who understands life.
Agatha, please I am afraid that this girl might snatch him from me. All my efforts to make him understand that I truly love him and that sex is not love have so far fallen on deaf ears. I really love him and I cry all day and night at the way things are between us.
This is a very painful love; one I wish I didn’t feel for this man. Whenever I remember him, it makes me want to go mad. I wish I do not love him, because it is like it is running me mad. Please do anything possible to help me; I don’t know what to do again.
Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Sincerely, you don’t need this man or friend in your life. Their presence in your life would only derail you. Friends are meant to encourage one to stay on the right track and not discourage one from doing the right thing. A good friend would give you all the support you need to be strong and stay determined not to deliberately set out to hurt you or force you to do what she wants.
Instead of romancing your boyfriend, friendship creed demands she continues to give you her support irrespective of what she thinks of your decision. That she is joining your boyfriend to apply emotional blackmail on you shows that she is somebody you must avoid if you are serious about keeping that vow of yours.
From the behaviour of these two, it is obvious that this man never loved you but simply wanted a chance to get close to you, break down your defences to enable him have his way with you.
This is one thing you must guard against. The answer to keeping your vows is not in avoiding men but in your determination to be focused.
Pains are part of falling in love. You are feeling very lousy, not from being in love with this man but from the betrayal of trust. You must have trusted him before you gave him your love. It is the betrayed trust in a relationship that brings about the pains you are now feelings.
Doubtless both of them have betrayed you in more ways than you even can imagine now. Their behaviour goes beyond the immediate issue of you sleeping with your boyfriend, but also of their faith and applications of the doctrine your church preaches.
If you don’t make the necessary effort now to wrestle yourself from the grips of these two persons, you may find yourself losing faith in the church and what its stands for.
Because of this, you must choose between what is very essential to you, your relationship with God, or allow yourself flow into a relationship that is already doomed from the beginning.
From the behaviour of these two; there is no guarantee that this man and your friend would still not date even if you agree to sleeping with him. For this man, it isn’t a matter of you agreeing to sleep with him, but that of him knowing what he wants from life.
Until he does that, you are not the right woman for him. You will only get hurt staying with him because your love is not what he wants now. Even though he and you attend the same church, the doctrine of the church means nothing to him. Sex would always come first with him and until he comes of age maturely, it wouldn’t matter to him where the sex is coming from.
If he has any respect for you, no matter the temptations your friend offers him; whatever he feels about your decision not to have sex with him or the reason he has for whatever it is he is doing with your friend, he would first consider your feelings. That he seems indifferent to the aches and pains in your heart over his conduct is evidence of his lack of sensitivity to you.
The man you need is the one who has enough respect for you to put his feelings second to your own. Love is about selflessness. To have sexual feelings is normal so what his feelings isn’t out of place, but what is definitely out of place is not putting your reason and feelings before his.
A man who loves you would not mind the emotional discomfort of not being able to sleep with you now; knowing that he would eventually have all of you to himself when the time is right.
In the matters of life, our covenant with God is the most important. He remains the only stable force in life turbulent ocean. If you forsake God out of fear of losing this man – who would you turn to when this man decides to leave you for other woman? Who will heal you of the pains of betrayal and disappointment?
I think you should count yourself very lucky he manifested himself before you changed your mind about sleeping with him. How would you have felt if after giving of yourself to him; he still drops you for another girl on account of the other person being more experienced than you or that he has fallen in love with that person? It could have been worse and your pains more grave.
Keep insisting you would not give to his demands and that if he loves you; he would willingly wait for you to be ready for him.
Yes, the pains of first love may hurt deeper than others but you would overcome it. Time, the greatest healer, never fails to do its work. And because you did it for God, He would give you a man who would always put your interest and happiness before his.
You are feeling the pains because you didn’t ask God for His input before going into the relationship. Had you looked beyond the physical structure of the church to the church in his heart; his real person through prayers, you would have known the storm he represents in your life.
Whatever you do, don’t allow the pains and acute disappointment you have experienced with him stop you from falling in love. The beauty about life is the many times we are able to recover after each fall.
All you have to do is to remain focused by refusing to take the popular options. The most beautiful results we get from life are usually from the difficult options we take.
Good luck.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
He wants to marry me hours after we met
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I have benefited tremendously from it, and I want to say thank you.
However, there is this problem I have with this man I met on July 30, 2008. That day, it was raining and he stopped to give me a ride on his bike. Although, I wanted to decline the offer but changed my mind when the possibility of not getting another means of transportation out of the place dawned on me.
The rains became very heavy on the way so he decided to take shelter somewhere until it subsided. As we waited for the rains to go down, he told me of his interest in me. I told him it was very difficult for me to trust any man.
He responded also by mouthing his fears about women too. But he tried to assure me that not all men were capable of maltreating women. There and then he declared his desires to marry me.
Since we were meeting for the first time, I was taken aback by his declarations. I told him, it was out of place since he wasn’t my boyfriend. He demanded to know if I had any, I told him I didn’t have any. I also told him that I was still a virgin. He said he wanted to be sure I wasn’t out to deceive him by telling him that.
My challenge now is what can I do to convince him to go and see my parents? He said he could only go to see my parents on the condition we come up with something.
Another issue is that he has not rented a house. He lives with his friend. I have also told him that if he wants us to continue to see, our meetings should be in the open but he refused. What else should I do? Please direct me on what to do.
Ogechi.
Dear Ogechi,
Be careful. It is too early for the two of you to be discussing marriage, and given the situation under which you both met, there is the need for both of you to devote more time to studying each other first.
It is not just a matter of coming to see your parents, rather it is more of you knowing the man you want to bring home to your parents. For instance, do you have an idea of what he does for a living or anything about his values, person and character?
If called up to defend certain things about him, what can you say about him? Marriage isn’t an affair where you both meet, do what you want to do and bid each other bye-bye. This is a lifetime partnership, one that requires both of you to spend the rest of your lives together, a union that would transform a complete stranger to the most important person in your life. Deep down, do you think you have the information about this man to give in to this type of commitment?
Marriage is living yourself in another person. Giving your dreams to another person to help execute for you and entrusting all of your essence to another person. Although a journey of uncertainty, it is one that you must have certain assurances before going into it.
What assurances do you have that you and this man are compatible to an extent?
A marriage takes more than love to work. Yes, love begins the process but it doesn’t end it. Rather, it requires understanding, selflessness, perseverance, friendship, respect, loyalty, trust and plenty of prayers to manage.
Does he have the maturity as well as understanding to overlook some of your excesses or you his’? What are his ambitions in life, his dreams for himself as well as for his family? All these are important things you cannot know by jumping into marriage.
The process leading to marriage must strive on honesty and unbiased submission to flourish. The reason for this isn’t far-fetched. It is tedious enough trying to endure the presence, character and deficiencies of another person within the union of marriage, to add ignorance to that is to cripple the union before it even has a chance to survive.
The essence of having a courtship is to give a couple fair chances to remove the veil of being strangers to being friends. Marriages are collapsing because couples are fast-forwarding the entire process to skip the all-important beginner’s manual.
Meeting your parents should not feature now. First concentrate efforts at growing the relationship. With time, you would know if he is the right one for you or not.
Without a thorough study of your beginner’s manual, don’t expect the advance level manual to make any sense to you.
And if you truly want to keep that virginity of yours, stick to your resolve to keep the relationship in the open.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I have benefited tremendously from it, and I want to say thank you.
However, there is this problem I have with this man I met on July 30, 2008. That day, it was raining and he stopped to give me a ride on his bike. Although, I wanted to decline the offer but changed my mind when the possibility of not getting another means of transportation out of the place dawned on me.
The rains became very heavy on the way so he decided to take shelter somewhere until it subsided. As we waited for the rains to go down, he told me of his interest in me. I told him it was very difficult for me to trust any man.
He responded also by mouthing his fears about women too. But he tried to assure me that not all men were capable of maltreating women. There and then he declared his desires to marry me.
Since we were meeting for the first time, I was taken aback by his declarations. I told him, it was out of place since he wasn’t my boyfriend. He demanded to know if I had any, I told him I didn’t have any. I also told him that I was still a virgin. He said he wanted to be sure I wasn’t out to deceive him by telling him that.
My challenge now is what can I do to convince him to go and see my parents? He said he could only go to see my parents on the condition we come up with something.
Another issue is that he has not rented a house. He lives with his friend. I have also told him that if he wants us to continue to see, our meetings should be in the open but he refused. What else should I do? Please direct me on what to do.
Ogechi.
Dear Ogechi,
Be careful. It is too early for the two of you to be discussing marriage, and given the situation under which you both met, there is the need for both of you to devote more time to studying each other first.
It is not just a matter of coming to see your parents, rather it is more of you knowing the man you want to bring home to your parents. For instance, do you have an idea of what he does for a living or anything about his values, person and character?
If called up to defend certain things about him, what can you say about him? Marriage isn’t an affair where you both meet, do what you want to do and bid each other bye-bye. This is a lifetime partnership, one that requires both of you to spend the rest of your lives together, a union that would transform a complete stranger to the most important person in your life. Deep down, do you think you have the information about this man to give in to this type of commitment?
Marriage is living yourself in another person. Giving your dreams to another person to help execute for you and entrusting all of your essence to another person. Although a journey of uncertainty, it is one that you must have certain assurances before going into it.
What assurances do you have that you and this man are compatible to an extent?
A marriage takes more than love to work. Yes, love begins the process but it doesn’t end it. Rather, it requires understanding, selflessness, perseverance, friendship, respect, loyalty, trust and plenty of prayers to manage.
Does he have the maturity as well as understanding to overlook some of your excesses or you his’? What are his ambitions in life, his dreams for himself as well as for his family? All these are important things you cannot know by jumping into marriage.
The process leading to marriage must strive on honesty and unbiased submission to flourish. The reason for this isn’t far-fetched. It is tedious enough trying to endure the presence, character and deficiencies of another person within the union of marriage, to add ignorance to that is to cripple the union before it even has a chance to survive.
The essence of having a courtship is to give a couple fair chances to remove the veil of being strangers to being friends. Marriages are collapsing because couples are fast-forwarding the entire process to skip the all-important beginner’s manual.
Meeting your parents should not feature now. First concentrate efforts at growing the relationship. With time, you would know if he is the right one for you or not.
Without a thorough study of your beginner’s manual, don’t expect the advance level manual to make any sense to you.
And if you truly want to keep that virginity of yours, stick to your resolve to keep the relationship in the open.
Good luck.
He won’t marry girl he had slept with
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been in this relationship for two years. I always dreamt it would end in marriage, but suddenly he told me that I could opt for another man if I wanted to. He said he can’t marry a lady he has had sex with, but suddenly he is back again, I don’t know what to do.
Dora.
Dear Dora,
He can afford to tell you to source your happiness elsewhere because you gave in too cheaply to his sexual demands. If he says he cannot marry a woman he has had sex with, it is because you gave him a reason to think you are in the habit of donating your body to every man who comes your way.
Painful and spiteful as his attitude is, it only goes to underline the fact that men want women for other reasons than sex. When it comes to the choice of a life partner, most men are not looking for the woman who scores excellently well in the bedroom alone. They want a woman who knows everything about pleasing a man. This goes beyond sex; rather it is more about all the other things that transform an ordinary friendship into a lifetime union.
When a woman lacks patience, understanding of the man in her life, doesn’t know how to help him groom or expand his dreams, isn’t his friend, doesn’t know how to care for his home or cook his food, has no respect for him or his friends, is completely ignorant on how to transform a boy-man into a man.
A woman must have all the extras to inspire a man to want to keep her. Also some men prefer a woman, they can teach on their own personal etiquettes. They don’t want a woman who comes with any previous experience.
Now that he is back, there is the need for you to spell out the conditions under which you can have him back. This is your opportunity to teach him some lessons in mutual respect, to make him understand that giving him your body doesn’t make you cheap and without principle, that you gave him your body for two years because you loved him and not because you have very low moral values.
Whether he meant what he told you or not the first time is immaterial. What matters is his total evaluation of your person. Whatever excuse he may come up with now to explain his reason for saying what he said, in your interest don’t be deceived because what he said is precisely what he thinks about you.
In the first place, ask yourself if it is essential you go back to him. Do you think he is capable of defending your honour if something wanting him to defend you in such circumstances comes up?
You have to be sure you are not letting yourself in for a very serious disappointment later in life. This is the time you have to be very honest with yourself; when you have to overlook the issue of love and focus on all the other things you deserve in a man. One thing is for you to know what you want; another is to get what you deserve to keep you absolutely happy in life.
In the last two years, you gave freely of yourself to this man because you thought he is what you need to be happy. But is he what you deserve in life? Do you think you deserve his condemnation given the fact that he also enjoyed tremendously from the intimacy you offered him?
If you think you deserve his condemnation or feels your love for him is something you cannot do without for some inexplicable reason; consider him but not before you spell out what format your relationship would take from this point.
You can have him back but on the condition that you would no longer sleep with him until he pays your bride price. With this kind of man, your determination and ability to stick to your resolve is the only thing that can earn you his respect. If you make the mistake of capitulating midway, you risk being hurt deeper than he has already done.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been in this relationship for two years. I always dreamt it would end in marriage, but suddenly he told me that I could opt for another man if I wanted to. He said he can’t marry a lady he has had sex with, but suddenly he is back again, I don’t know what to do.
Dora.
Dear Dora,
He can afford to tell you to source your happiness elsewhere because you gave in too cheaply to his sexual demands. If he says he cannot marry a woman he has had sex with, it is because you gave him a reason to think you are in the habit of donating your body to every man who comes your way.
Painful and spiteful as his attitude is, it only goes to underline the fact that men want women for other reasons than sex. When it comes to the choice of a life partner, most men are not looking for the woman who scores excellently well in the bedroom alone. They want a woman who knows everything about pleasing a man. This goes beyond sex; rather it is more about all the other things that transform an ordinary friendship into a lifetime union.
When a woman lacks patience, understanding of the man in her life, doesn’t know how to help him groom or expand his dreams, isn’t his friend, doesn’t know how to care for his home or cook his food, has no respect for him or his friends, is completely ignorant on how to transform a boy-man into a man.
A woman must have all the extras to inspire a man to want to keep her. Also some men prefer a woman, they can teach on their own personal etiquettes. They don’t want a woman who comes with any previous experience.
Now that he is back, there is the need for you to spell out the conditions under which you can have him back. This is your opportunity to teach him some lessons in mutual respect, to make him understand that giving him your body doesn’t make you cheap and without principle, that you gave him your body for two years because you loved him and not because you have very low moral values.
Whether he meant what he told you or not the first time is immaterial. What matters is his total evaluation of your person. Whatever excuse he may come up with now to explain his reason for saying what he said, in your interest don’t be deceived because what he said is precisely what he thinks about you.
In the first place, ask yourself if it is essential you go back to him. Do you think he is capable of defending your honour if something wanting him to defend you in such circumstances comes up?
You have to be sure you are not letting yourself in for a very serious disappointment later in life. This is the time you have to be very honest with yourself; when you have to overlook the issue of love and focus on all the other things you deserve in a man. One thing is for you to know what you want; another is to get what you deserve to keep you absolutely happy in life.
In the last two years, you gave freely of yourself to this man because you thought he is what you need to be happy. But is he what you deserve in life? Do you think you deserve his condemnation given the fact that he also enjoyed tremendously from the intimacy you offered him?
If you think you deserve his condemnation or feels your love for him is something you cannot do without for some inexplicable reason; consider him but not before you spell out what format your relationship would take from this point.
You can have him back but on the condition that you would no longer sleep with him until he pays your bride price. With this kind of man, your determination and ability to stick to your resolve is the only thing that can earn you his respect. If you make the mistake of capitulating midway, you risk being hurt deeper than he has already done.
Good luck.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Before my husband waste all he has on his brothers
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being there for us everyday of the week. May God bless you and also solve your problems.
I got married last year and since then my husband’s three brothers have been living with us. Not once have I been allowed to enjoy my marriage.
Although we live in a 3-bedroom en-suite flat, I lack the freedom to do as I please in my home. For instance, I cannot dress the way I like around the house. I cannot embrace my husband intimately the way I want because of the presence of these people.
I have complained severally but my husband insists that they are his responsibility since they no longer have parents.
In fairness they have always lived with him but I didn’t envisage they would become nuisance in my home or marriage.
I am fed up and want them out of my house. Although they help with all the housework and have never been rude to me in any way, I want my husband to myself.
Besides this is the amount of money he spends on their education. They all attend expensive private schools. And they still have very far to go because the last one is just entering his first year in senior secondary school. He seems not to be thinking about his future at all beyond making life easy for his siblings. When I pointed this out to him, he told me not to interfere but I can’t help worrying about it. He should be planning for our children, not investing all his money on his brothers who may turn against him tomorrow.
I don’t know what to do to make my husband understand me. He thinks I am simply being selfish and unreasonable on this matter.
Agatha, help me.
Tope.
Dear Tope,
Happiness is measured by the amount of happiness we are also willing to invest in the lives of people around us. You cannot be talking about your own happiness without thinking of all those whose happiness and lives are dependent on the decisions you make.
How do you think your husband would remain happy with you if the brothers he had cared for before meeting you, all whom you knew depend on him before you married him are suddenly made to leave the only security of the home they know all because you have refused to tailor your happiness to accommodate the allowances of sharing it with others?
In his shoes, how would you feel if he is making you to make the same choice you are now forcing him to make? Sincerely you are not being fair to these young men who have given you no reason to complain about their attitude towards you.
If they gladly do the house chores what else do you want? A 3-bedroom en-suite flat gives you all the freedom to do as you like with your husband since nobody is sharing your bathroom with you.
You can effectively indulge all your romance inclinations right inside your bedroom. Your case would have been understandable if the place were a one-room affair where nobody even has the privacy to dress. Your reasons for wanting them out of the house in such a situation would have been understood against the background that a man and woman need private time to bond as a couple.
But definitely not in your case where once the bedroom door is closed, you both have all the privacy in the world to do what you want.
The consequences of the decision you want your husband to take against his brothers may not manifest today but in later years when your husband or you may be in desperate need of the help of these young men.
Even if they desire to help, if they have wives like you, the women may also prevent them from doing what is right. The dynamism and unpredictability of life makes your decision very unwise and uncalled for.
Don’t forget, the boys are orphans. As the wife of their brother, you occupy a vital position to help them translate their lives positively in the way their mother would have done had she lived. Being the first woman in their small family since the passing of their parents, you stand the chance of making positive history by investing selflessly in the advancement and future of these young men.
Frankly, if his brothers turn against him in the future, it won’t be a lack of appreciation of your husband’s positive role in their lives, but of your own negative influences. Their protest would be against you for coming to spoil something so precious and rare. Your husband is a responsible man; don’t discourage him because when you would need this aspect of him, you may not be able to bring it back to him if you encourage him to deviate from what he is doing now.
Ensuring they get the best education is the best way of insuring the happiness and future of your own children. This is in the sense that with quality education, they would grow up to be monumental successes in their areas of academic pursuits, leaving your husband free of the attendant pressures that come with ill-equipped foundations. With good jobs, your husband would not suffer the undue financial strain that would most likely come if he fails to give them solid educational heritage now.
Also he is trying to prevent the bitter resentment and acrimony that come with the feeling of being used and dumped. There is no way these boys would feel happy if after cleaning him and you, they are also made to clean after your children while they have nothing to show for all their investment of care in the growth of your family.
Yes, his children are important but so also are his brothers whose lack of parents makes them very special to your husband. Today, he is the only father and mother they no longer have. And don’t forget that whatever intimacy you may have with him, his relationship with his brothers predates yours. There are some very vital family secrets which when they begin to discuss would make you a complete stranger in their circle.
If you were wise, you would play your role as their mother with joy even if you feel regrets over your lack of intimacy. Being grown children, they know when the mood calls for them to give you both the privacy when the occasion demands at any particular time. And once you are able to gain their respect and trust, they would come to value you more than their brother because you would be like the mother nature denied them of having for long.
Wisdom calls for caution and reason. Give to them your heart, commitment and love. If you love your husband you would learn to support his dream of having to cater for his brothers. You would also respect his wishes as well as motherly compassion for these orphans who from all indications still desperately need motherly love.
You swore to stand by your husband through thick and thin. This is the time he needs you the most to help him achieve his dream of maintaining a fair balance between his responsibility to his siblings as the eldest child and to you as his wife.
If romance is what you desire, turn your bedroom décor around. A few delicate touches and splashes of soft furniture and decorative items could turn an ordinary décor to an exotic setting, potent enough to induce intimacy between you and your man anytime he steps into the room.
And who says you cannot appeal for help from these young minds in your quest to win further his heart. Remember they have lived with him all their lives hence have one or two information about him, which you don’t have. For instance they know precisely the type of food or thing to keep him happy. Encourage them to teach you everything you need to know about him. You can only get them to help you improve on the quality of your marriage by giving them all the freedom to be part of your lives and remain wanted in their brother’s home.
Marriage is an unpredictable journey. Help is always required from every source to make it work especially as the years grow older and circumstances change. Today, you may feel on top of things necessitating you to demand that he quits his brothers from your home but a time would come when you would desperately need the comforting presence and support of these same people to make him listen to you or stop him from calling off the entire partnership between the two of you.
Believe me, nobody has the panacea to a completely trouble free marriage, no matter how deeply in love two people are, there is always a bad day, a day when everything doesn’t make sense when all those feelings of love vanishes, leaving in its wake only bitterness and resentment.
It is on a day like this, you need the love and help of other members of the family to put sanity back into your life.
For a day like this, give these boys the freedom to be happy and have pleasant memories of their time in your home.
What you need is determination to make them happy.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being there for us everyday of the week. May God bless you and also solve your problems.
I got married last year and since then my husband’s three brothers have been living with us. Not once have I been allowed to enjoy my marriage.
Although we live in a 3-bedroom en-suite flat, I lack the freedom to do as I please in my home. For instance, I cannot dress the way I like around the house. I cannot embrace my husband intimately the way I want because of the presence of these people.
I have complained severally but my husband insists that they are his responsibility since they no longer have parents.
In fairness they have always lived with him but I didn’t envisage they would become nuisance in my home or marriage.
I am fed up and want them out of my house. Although they help with all the housework and have never been rude to me in any way, I want my husband to myself.
Besides this is the amount of money he spends on their education. They all attend expensive private schools. And they still have very far to go because the last one is just entering his first year in senior secondary school. He seems not to be thinking about his future at all beyond making life easy for his siblings. When I pointed this out to him, he told me not to interfere but I can’t help worrying about it. He should be planning for our children, not investing all his money on his brothers who may turn against him tomorrow.
I don’t know what to do to make my husband understand me. He thinks I am simply being selfish and unreasonable on this matter.
Agatha, help me.
Tope.
Dear Tope,
Happiness is measured by the amount of happiness we are also willing to invest in the lives of people around us. You cannot be talking about your own happiness without thinking of all those whose happiness and lives are dependent on the decisions you make.
How do you think your husband would remain happy with you if the brothers he had cared for before meeting you, all whom you knew depend on him before you married him are suddenly made to leave the only security of the home they know all because you have refused to tailor your happiness to accommodate the allowances of sharing it with others?
In his shoes, how would you feel if he is making you to make the same choice you are now forcing him to make? Sincerely you are not being fair to these young men who have given you no reason to complain about their attitude towards you.
If they gladly do the house chores what else do you want? A 3-bedroom en-suite flat gives you all the freedom to do as you like with your husband since nobody is sharing your bathroom with you.
You can effectively indulge all your romance inclinations right inside your bedroom. Your case would have been understandable if the place were a one-room affair where nobody even has the privacy to dress. Your reasons for wanting them out of the house in such a situation would have been understood against the background that a man and woman need private time to bond as a couple.
But definitely not in your case where once the bedroom door is closed, you both have all the privacy in the world to do what you want.
The consequences of the decision you want your husband to take against his brothers may not manifest today but in later years when your husband or you may be in desperate need of the help of these young men.
Even if they desire to help, if they have wives like you, the women may also prevent them from doing what is right. The dynamism and unpredictability of life makes your decision very unwise and uncalled for.
Don’t forget, the boys are orphans. As the wife of their brother, you occupy a vital position to help them translate their lives positively in the way their mother would have done had she lived. Being the first woman in their small family since the passing of their parents, you stand the chance of making positive history by investing selflessly in the advancement and future of these young men.
Frankly, if his brothers turn against him in the future, it won’t be a lack of appreciation of your husband’s positive role in their lives, but of your own negative influences. Their protest would be against you for coming to spoil something so precious and rare. Your husband is a responsible man; don’t discourage him because when you would need this aspect of him, you may not be able to bring it back to him if you encourage him to deviate from what he is doing now.
Ensuring they get the best education is the best way of insuring the happiness and future of your own children. This is in the sense that with quality education, they would grow up to be monumental successes in their areas of academic pursuits, leaving your husband free of the attendant pressures that come with ill-equipped foundations. With good jobs, your husband would not suffer the undue financial strain that would most likely come if he fails to give them solid educational heritage now.
Also he is trying to prevent the bitter resentment and acrimony that come with the feeling of being used and dumped. There is no way these boys would feel happy if after cleaning him and you, they are also made to clean after your children while they have nothing to show for all their investment of care in the growth of your family.
Yes, his children are important but so also are his brothers whose lack of parents makes them very special to your husband. Today, he is the only father and mother they no longer have. And don’t forget that whatever intimacy you may have with him, his relationship with his brothers predates yours. There are some very vital family secrets which when they begin to discuss would make you a complete stranger in their circle.
If you were wise, you would play your role as their mother with joy even if you feel regrets over your lack of intimacy. Being grown children, they know when the mood calls for them to give you both the privacy when the occasion demands at any particular time. And once you are able to gain their respect and trust, they would come to value you more than their brother because you would be like the mother nature denied them of having for long.
Wisdom calls for caution and reason. Give to them your heart, commitment and love. If you love your husband you would learn to support his dream of having to cater for his brothers. You would also respect his wishes as well as motherly compassion for these orphans who from all indications still desperately need motherly love.
You swore to stand by your husband through thick and thin. This is the time he needs you the most to help him achieve his dream of maintaining a fair balance between his responsibility to his siblings as the eldest child and to you as his wife.
If romance is what you desire, turn your bedroom décor around. A few delicate touches and splashes of soft furniture and decorative items could turn an ordinary décor to an exotic setting, potent enough to induce intimacy between you and your man anytime he steps into the room.
And who says you cannot appeal for help from these young minds in your quest to win further his heart. Remember they have lived with him all their lives hence have one or two information about him, which you don’t have. For instance they know precisely the type of food or thing to keep him happy. Encourage them to teach you everything you need to know about him. You can only get them to help you improve on the quality of your marriage by giving them all the freedom to be part of your lives and remain wanted in their brother’s home.
Marriage is an unpredictable journey. Help is always required from every source to make it work especially as the years grow older and circumstances change. Today, you may feel on top of things necessitating you to demand that he quits his brothers from your home but a time would come when you would desperately need the comforting presence and support of these same people to make him listen to you or stop him from calling off the entire partnership between the two of you.
Believe me, nobody has the panacea to a completely trouble free marriage, no matter how deeply in love two people are, there is always a bad day, a day when everything doesn’t make sense when all those feelings of love vanishes, leaving in its wake only bitterness and resentment.
It is on a day like this, you need the love and help of other members of the family to put sanity back into your life.
For a day like this, give these boys the freedom to be happy and have pleasant memories of their time in your home.
What you need is determination to make them happy.
Good luck.
My hubby’s siblings turn my home to hell
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
As I write you this mail, my home is boiling. Seven years out of my eight years of marriage, my home has known no peace.
I am from Abia, while my husband is from Anambra.
We had cause to live with five of my husband’s siblings at once and it had been hell living with them and witnessing several characters. A situation, where they will like to dictate what happens in my home, what to cook, who goes to which school and all that. To worsen it, the young man among them has a recurring mental illness, and each time it happens, accusing fingers are pointed at me as the cause of his problem; for causing irritation in the home when I am actually reacting to their suppression in my home. They often hold meetings on how to deal with me.
All these years have been that of tears, with my husband focusing on his siblings while I struggle to give my children the best I can afford. None of his siblings appreciate the cost of footing the medical bill of the young man, while still struggling to put food on the table.
The recent trouble started with my husband’s niece fighting me and my husband’s insistence that she goes to visit her father for a week as punishment for her misdemeanour. Rather than going to my husband to discuss and plead, they (the brother and sister) resorted to verbal abuse on my person. This did not go down with me and I had to give it to the young man, word for word, due to the fact that he had earlier poured invectives on me without any response from me. My offence was that I phoned some close relatives when I overheard him talking in the night thinking that he was mentally sick again, going by his history.
I only wept my heart out because he said some unbelievable words, which tallied with what some prayer warriors said that the stagnancy in my life has to do with my husband’s siblings. I have tried to improve my relationship with him and the other siblings but have failed because if you offend one, you offend all and the younger ones are careless with chores.
He was bitter after the battle of words as he took every word to heart while I disregarded his insults, abuses and name callings.
A month after this incident, his mental problems started all over again. As usual, his sisters started their accusations all over again. Ironically, when he recovers, they still bring him back to my house.
Agatha, I admit, I feel threatened by the presence of this man in our lives. My children are all girls and if his attitude of trying to be in control of everything is anything to go by, I fear for my children. He is always in the habit of taking things without asking for permission.
Granted, I have a temper, but I am trying my best to work on it as well as accommodate them in my life as their presence in my home is inevitable. I have resigned myself to prayers and consolations that one day they would all leave my home for theirs so that I can reap the joy of matrimony which other women enjoy.
I encouraged my husband to raise funds to establish businesses for the older ones while I take charge of the home front and it has been years of spending every bit of my earnings to sustain our large family.
I have had enough of their problems and insolence. I desire peace. I don’t think they should dictate what happens in my home. They see nothing good in me, even the one I got a job for. Every little thing in my home is amplified when relating it to their elder sister in the north who in turn gives them all her support. For how long, can I continue with this battle or have peace in my home?
Worried Wife.
Dear Worried Wife,
You are all to blame for what is happening in your home.
Much as I totally agree with you that your home should be left to you to run, one salient fact that you must recognise in your home is the lack of support from your husband.
For a woman to be in charge in her home, she must have an appreciable support of her husband to do a good job. From what you have said, your husband is indifferent to your plight, making your position in that house very vulnerable.
Going by his attitude, your choice is very narrow; continue to endure and pray for the time when they would have no choice but to leave your home. If you attempt to hurry the process, you risk fighting more bitter battles. So the best thing for you now is to accept it as one of the sacrifices that come with being married to the man you love.
At one point or the other, we all go through some sacrifices for the sake of love. If our Lord, Jesus Christ, paid the supreme price of a disgraceful death because of the love He has for you and I, it follows that true and enduring love cannot be built without some painful choices.
Your mistake began in the early days. If you are honest, you never liked their presence in your home and didn’t mask this fact from them. Being newly married and young, you wanted your husband all to yourself hence saw them as massive intruders. Because nothing in your experience prepared you for the politics of living successfully in a husband’s house as well as the management of his family, you allowed your temper and tongue too much freedom, forgetting that words when wrongly used can cause permanent damage.
Before you all got to this point of them abusing and fighting you right in the presence of your husband, what has been your attitude? Have you at any time attempted to make them feel at home or treated like your siblings despite the inconveniences of their presence in your home?
Life gives back to us what we give to it. Even though in-laws can be huge pains in the neck, if you had handled them well from the beginning at least one of them would have been on your side; telling your in-laws that you are not as bad as the others paint you.
Contrary to popular opinion, in-laws are very vital to the success or otherwise of a marriage. They draw their strength and placement from the fact they have known one’s spouse before the couple met. For a woman in particular to succeed in her new family, she must factor the interest of her in-laws into her marriage plans.
She must learn from her own family the politics of marriage, the technique of blending her interest for her husband with that of the original owners of her husband.
You should have known that in a game from the heart of the man, you cannot win in a home that has all the people he grew up with present. He shares knowledge and special moments with each of them, memories you are not part of. Even though you are his wife, they have a very strong hold over your husband because of this history.
You would understand this bound more if you have siblings of your own and children whom you will never wish to be separated by their husbands or wives in future.
This is the sentiments in-laws use to beat their children into line, to remind them of who made them before they became husbands or wives to other persons.
As a woman, these people are your new family, siblings and identity because not only do you now bear their names but the family which your children would forever draw their strength and glory.
For this reason, you must be careful how you treat them for the sake of your children whose family members these people are.
A wise woman would have studied the weakest but the most influential of the clan for her own advantage. To take on the whole of them in one full swoop was foolish and unwise. More often than not, the most influential in a group is often the weakest of the links in terms of being most receptive to reasons.
Since you know the sick young man is the most influential and likely to become your children’s nightmare, what efforts have you made to win him over when he is not having his mental problem?
Frankly, there is no way you can win them over if you continue to fight them. It would only continue to degenerate with your husband unable to effect discipline in your favour.
When next they begin their gang up, ignore them. Pretend they aren’t doing anything wrong. Don’t even answer them when they are spoiling for a fight, walk away. Doing so doesn’t make you a coward but more matured than them. Being their brother’s wife, let your attitude towards them be tolerating as well as long suffering. There is no way any of them would assault you if you refuse to answer them.
Let your bedroom become your haven. When your joint places become too uncomfortable for you to endure, retreat to your room which you must re-arrange to suit your purpose.
It may be your home but for now learn to treat it as their homes as well, if that is what would bring peace to your home. Learn to tailor your peace to conform with the situation in your home. The secret of marital success is not to tailor your marriage along the experiences of others. Just like you are unique, your own experiences too are.
The truth of the situation is that you have five other children outside your own children. Therefore you must learn to be a mother to them despite their disdain and disrespect for your person.
It is only after you begin to play your role as their mother that you can justifiably demand them to treat you as one.
If you continue to respond to their insults at the slightest provocation, you reduce yourself to their level, opening yourself up to receiving insults as well as justifying their accusation of you being a witch. Your reactions to their behaviour may be why they think you are responsible for the condition of their brothers. Things we say out of uncontrolled anger more often than not paint us in colours that don’t really tell who we really are.
Don’t allow it to happen again. In that house, you are the woman of the house but it is not by forcing the knowledge on them you would earn any respect from them. It is only by working for it.
Although your husband has the blame of not being able to effect discipline in his home, but the task of procuring the elusive peace lies in your hands squarely.
Bury your pains and learn to be patient with them if you really love your husband and children. Very soon they would all be out of your home for good.
Be more devoted to your prayers and relationship with God because you need Him each day to make the difference in your life and marriage. Quality peace comes only if God is your strength.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
As I write you this mail, my home is boiling. Seven years out of my eight years of marriage, my home has known no peace.
I am from Abia, while my husband is from Anambra.
We had cause to live with five of my husband’s siblings at once and it had been hell living with them and witnessing several characters. A situation, where they will like to dictate what happens in my home, what to cook, who goes to which school and all that. To worsen it, the young man among them has a recurring mental illness, and each time it happens, accusing fingers are pointed at me as the cause of his problem; for causing irritation in the home when I am actually reacting to their suppression in my home. They often hold meetings on how to deal with me.
All these years have been that of tears, with my husband focusing on his siblings while I struggle to give my children the best I can afford. None of his siblings appreciate the cost of footing the medical bill of the young man, while still struggling to put food on the table.
The recent trouble started with my husband’s niece fighting me and my husband’s insistence that she goes to visit her father for a week as punishment for her misdemeanour. Rather than going to my husband to discuss and plead, they (the brother and sister) resorted to verbal abuse on my person. This did not go down with me and I had to give it to the young man, word for word, due to the fact that he had earlier poured invectives on me without any response from me. My offence was that I phoned some close relatives when I overheard him talking in the night thinking that he was mentally sick again, going by his history.
I only wept my heart out because he said some unbelievable words, which tallied with what some prayer warriors said that the stagnancy in my life has to do with my husband’s siblings. I have tried to improve my relationship with him and the other siblings but have failed because if you offend one, you offend all and the younger ones are careless with chores.
He was bitter after the battle of words as he took every word to heart while I disregarded his insults, abuses and name callings.
A month after this incident, his mental problems started all over again. As usual, his sisters started their accusations all over again. Ironically, when he recovers, they still bring him back to my house.
Agatha, I admit, I feel threatened by the presence of this man in our lives. My children are all girls and if his attitude of trying to be in control of everything is anything to go by, I fear for my children. He is always in the habit of taking things without asking for permission.
Granted, I have a temper, but I am trying my best to work on it as well as accommodate them in my life as their presence in my home is inevitable. I have resigned myself to prayers and consolations that one day they would all leave my home for theirs so that I can reap the joy of matrimony which other women enjoy.
I encouraged my husband to raise funds to establish businesses for the older ones while I take charge of the home front and it has been years of spending every bit of my earnings to sustain our large family.
I have had enough of their problems and insolence. I desire peace. I don’t think they should dictate what happens in my home. They see nothing good in me, even the one I got a job for. Every little thing in my home is amplified when relating it to their elder sister in the north who in turn gives them all her support. For how long, can I continue with this battle or have peace in my home?
Worried Wife.
Dear Worried Wife,
You are all to blame for what is happening in your home.
Much as I totally agree with you that your home should be left to you to run, one salient fact that you must recognise in your home is the lack of support from your husband.
For a woman to be in charge in her home, she must have an appreciable support of her husband to do a good job. From what you have said, your husband is indifferent to your plight, making your position in that house very vulnerable.
Going by his attitude, your choice is very narrow; continue to endure and pray for the time when they would have no choice but to leave your home. If you attempt to hurry the process, you risk fighting more bitter battles. So the best thing for you now is to accept it as one of the sacrifices that come with being married to the man you love.
At one point or the other, we all go through some sacrifices for the sake of love. If our Lord, Jesus Christ, paid the supreme price of a disgraceful death because of the love He has for you and I, it follows that true and enduring love cannot be built without some painful choices.
Your mistake began in the early days. If you are honest, you never liked their presence in your home and didn’t mask this fact from them. Being newly married and young, you wanted your husband all to yourself hence saw them as massive intruders. Because nothing in your experience prepared you for the politics of living successfully in a husband’s house as well as the management of his family, you allowed your temper and tongue too much freedom, forgetting that words when wrongly used can cause permanent damage.
Before you all got to this point of them abusing and fighting you right in the presence of your husband, what has been your attitude? Have you at any time attempted to make them feel at home or treated like your siblings despite the inconveniences of their presence in your home?
Life gives back to us what we give to it. Even though in-laws can be huge pains in the neck, if you had handled them well from the beginning at least one of them would have been on your side; telling your in-laws that you are not as bad as the others paint you.
Contrary to popular opinion, in-laws are very vital to the success or otherwise of a marriage. They draw their strength and placement from the fact they have known one’s spouse before the couple met. For a woman in particular to succeed in her new family, she must factor the interest of her in-laws into her marriage plans.
She must learn from her own family the politics of marriage, the technique of blending her interest for her husband with that of the original owners of her husband.
You should have known that in a game from the heart of the man, you cannot win in a home that has all the people he grew up with present. He shares knowledge and special moments with each of them, memories you are not part of. Even though you are his wife, they have a very strong hold over your husband because of this history.
You would understand this bound more if you have siblings of your own and children whom you will never wish to be separated by their husbands or wives in future.
This is the sentiments in-laws use to beat their children into line, to remind them of who made them before they became husbands or wives to other persons.
As a woman, these people are your new family, siblings and identity because not only do you now bear their names but the family which your children would forever draw their strength and glory.
For this reason, you must be careful how you treat them for the sake of your children whose family members these people are.
A wise woman would have studied the weakest but the most influential of the clan for her own advantage. To take on the whole of them in one full swoop was foolish and unwise. More often than not, the most influential in a group is often the weakest of the links in terms of being most receptive to reasons.
Since you know the sick young man is the most influential and likely to become your children’s nightmare, what efforts have you made to win him over when he is not having his mental problem?
Frankly, there is no way you can win them over if you continue to fight them. It would only continue to degenerate with your husband unable to effect discipline in your favour.
When next they begin their gang up, ignore them. Pretend they aren’t doing anything wrong. Don’t even answer them when they are spoiling for a fight, walk away. Doing so doesn’t make you a coward but more matured than them. Being their brother’s wife, let your attitude towards them be tolerating as well as long suffering. There is no way any of them would assault you if you refuse to answer them.
Let your bedroom become your haven. When your joint places become too uncomfortable for you to endure, retreat to your room which you must re-arrange to suit your purpose.
It may be your home but for now learn to treat it as their homes as well, if that is what would bring peace to your home. Learn to tailor your peace to conform with the situation in your home. The secret of marital success is not to tailor your marriage along the experiences of others. Just like you are unique, your own experiences too are.
The truth of the situation is that you have five other children outside your own children. Therefore you must learn to be a mother to them despite their disdain and disrespect for your person.
It is only after you begin to play your role as their mother that you can justifiably demand them to treat you as one.
If you continue to respond to their insults at the slightest provocation, you reduce yourself to their level, opening yourself up to receiving insults as well as justifying their accusation of you being a witch. Your reactions to their behaviour may be why they think you are responsible for the condition of their brothers. Things we say out of uncontrolled anger more often than not paint us in colours that don’t really tell who we really are.
Don’t allow it to happen again. In that house, you are the woman of the house but it is not by forcing the knowledge on them you would earn any respect from them. It is only by working for it.
Although your husband has the blame of not being able to effect discipline in his home, but the task of procuring the elusive peace lies in your hands squarely.
Bury your pains and learn to be patient with them if you really love your husband and children. Very soon they would all be out of your home for good.
Be more devoted to your prayers and relationship with God because you need Him each day to make the difference in your life and marriage. Quality peace comes only if God is your strength.
Good luck.
My wife complains of my tiny penis
Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I commend you for your effort in answering the so many questions to our problems.
I am a married man, but my wife is always complaining about the smallness of my manhood.
I don’t want to take drug due to its side effect in future; I want you to advise me on ways of enlarging my male organ. I would prefer a natural method. I would sincerely appreciate an urgent response.
S.Y.
Dear S.Y.,
It is amazing the way most men worry about the size of their manhood. One would have thought with the amount of information on sex, men would stop worry about the size and concentrate more on what can be achieved with what they have.
Sincerely, for most women, size may not matter as much as the effectiveness of the art, provided men are ready to break new grounds as well as do away with traditional stereotypes that insist sex is a forbidden thing, done only for procreation and should not be recreational. Within the bounds of marriage, such stereotypes only serve to dull excitement embedded in the marriage package. This is why men continue to think size is the same thing as efficiency and authority. Women respect the efficiency and the sense of responsibility of a man not the size of his manhood.
Therefore, there is nothing stopping a man with smaller manhood from sexually satisfying a woman. This is because only the first few inches of the virginal are sexually receptive. Hence once a man is able to have contact with the outer rim of the virginal, he can satisfy his woman sexually. Besides the clitoris is placed where any size can reach it. This is because God in his infinite wisdom designed the woman’s body in such a way to get satisfaction and give it to any man even if small sized.
Size is more psychological than biological. It only becomes an issue if couples allow it a place of pride in their relationships.
This is one issue that has continually come up which despite all attempts at resolving, keeps coming up.
In the first place, nobody can tell what the ideal size of a woman’s breasts or male organ should be but a recent survey puts the average size of an active male organ at between 5.5 to 6.3 inches. But the majority falls between 4.7 and 5.1 inches.
However the secret to complete happiness is for a man to be happy with what he has because that is what makes him unique. This is the point you must learn to accept yourself. Yes, your wife has an opinion but you must make her understand that your size has nothing to do with your ability to satisfy her. If she loves you, she would not leave you for another man no matter the challenge with your size. What you both need is a lot of imagination as well as the openness to experiment without reservations.
When it comes to the art of lovemaking, size and width do not matter as much as the imagination of a couple. Some men are excessively endowed, but find it extremely difficult to get any woman to stay with them because of the inability of most women to accommodate them.
To get a woman to stay with them, such men must learn, just like the less endowed men to rely more on their hands, tongues and mouth to get the female going. These are the art that makes one experience more different from the other.
Because love within a marriage is meant to be expressed beyond measure, a definite gift from God, you and your wife must first bury whatever prejudices you both grew up with. To get to the kernel, lot of works, perseverance, interest as well as determination must first be deployed towards cracking the shell. The same principle applies to the art of lovemaking especially where a couple hits a challenge like yours.
You, being the one with the perceived problem, must be willing to do everything within limits to ensure your partner doesn’t escape with the feeling of being cheated or anger at being deceived by you into a union she won’t get the maximum sexual satisfaction from.
To this end you must encourage her to speak out her mind at every point, listen to her suggestions on how to please her as well as follow with a clear mind her initiatives.
Like every other thing in life, lovemaking isn’t static. It must be continually upgraded and distilled to give a couple the right blends. This means a couple must not only strive to achieve excellence but must do everything to patent their own act to fit into their uniqueness. For example, the technique that works for your friend and his partner may not work for you, because they don’t have the challenge you and your partner have.
So you must first evaluate not only the urgent problems but all those that are hidden as well. For instance the issue is not only that of you not having the ideal length of manhood? Would having the ideal length solve the problem of your lack of sexual satisfaction once and for all? Remember that for most women, satisfaction and not the size of the male organ is what matters at the end of the day.
Make her talk and give her the concomitant freedom to really express herself on the matter. Don’t shut her up, feel bad or get suspicious when she is making her opinion on the matter known. Although your wife, she is an adult with an adult mind and desires hence must be given the same recognition as you to be happy with the choice she made to love you unconditionally.
The danger of not involving her in your quest for solutions is the possibility of losing her completely to another man. This is one salient fact you must not overlook. She has the right to discontinue if she feels she is not being given the right to her desires. This is why you must enlist her help. So tell your wife to stop complaining and think of productive ways of achieving sexual satisfaction with you. Tell her she has all the freedom in the world to use her imagination to help both of you become better lovers because you both are licensed by God and man to tap into sex unlimited nectar.
This is the only way to make her stop complaining as well as secure her only understanding and support to make her happy. You have to break away from the traditions that insist sexual satisfaction falls under the exclusive male list. This is the point man and the society creates problems within the marriage institution. When there is a sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage framework, irrespective of who is complaining, it behooves the couple to adopt a liberal and sincere attitude towards its solution. Frankly when it comes to the delicate issue of sex, it is neither a man or woman’s world. Rather, it is a world of happiness and satisfaction.
What you should do is to look for quality books that talk about positions and postures couples seeking ultimate joy in sex should adopt. There are some positions that seem to give more volume to the male organ. Google the Internet for information on such books or ask your book retailer. These books are not pornography materials, rather they are well researched quality books put together by highly educated individuals who from years of researches know that sex to man is as important as the air we all breathe. Once man is able to overcome the pretenses and admit to the essence of sex, solutions to sexual challenges become very easy.
As for your second question, yes there are ways to increase the size of a male organ but some of them are dubious which is why it is very important a couple works at finding its own rhythm, rather than concentrating efforts on getting a solution that might not be forthcoming or could lead to more emotional and psychological frustrations at the end of the day.
There are penile enhancement surgeries where penis can be lengthened to more than 10 inches. But the urgent question is how would you determine the depth of your woman’s body? The average for a woman is about four to eight inches, which means your woman might not be able to accommodate you if you are very huge. Do you really want to get into measuring your anatomy like a tailor measuring clothes? Would your wife in her quest to make you have the right size allow her depth to be measured so that you are done to fit her perfectly?
In addition, these operations cost real money because they fall within the category of plastic surgery. Do you have the money and at the end of the day, would the fee charged be worth the satisfaction?
There are also many herbal pills and exercises that claim to increase size but you may have to go to NAFDAC to get the list of such drugs cleared for human consumption. It would be interesting to know what animals these drugs, claiming this magic were first tested on before releasing them for human consumption.
Believe me, your imagination and willingness to experiment is your best bet.
Don’t forget that God that made both of you an item has already knows why and has given both of you the individual as well as collective strength to achieve the impossible together. There is subject or problem He is ignorant of. Asking Him for help and wisdom would also help you and your wife greatly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I commend you for your effort in answering the so many questions to our problems.
I am a married man, but my wife is always complaining about the smallness of my manhood.
I don’t want to take drug due to its side effect in future; I want you to advise me on ways of enlarging my male organ. I would prefer a natural method. I would sincerely appreciate an urgent response.
S.Y.
Dear S.Y.,
It is amazing the way most men worry about the size of their manhood. One would have thought with the amount of information on sex, men would stop worry about the size and concentrate more on what can be achieved with what they have.
Sincerely, for most women, size may not matter as much as the effectiveness of the art, provided men are ready to break new grounds as well as do away with traditional stereotypes that insist sex is a forbidden thing, done only for procreation and should not be recreational. Within the bounds of marriage, such stereotypes only serve to dull excitement embedded in the marriage package. This is why men continue to think size is the same thing as efficiency and authority. Women respect the efficiency and the sense of responsibility of a man not the size of his manhood.
Therefore, there is nothing stopping a man with smaller manhood from sexually satisfying a woman. This is because only the first few inches of the virginal are sexually receptive. Hence once a man is able to have contact with the outer rim of the virginal, he can satisfy his woman sexually. Besides the clitoris is placed where any size can reach it. This is because God in his infinite wisdom designed the woman’s body in such a way to get satisfaction and give it to any man even if small sized.
Size is more psychological than biological. It only becomes an issue if couples allow it a place of pride in their relationships.
This is one issue that has continually come up which despite all attempts at resolving, keeps coming up.
In the first place, nobody can tell what the ideal size of a woman’s breasts or male organ should be but a recent survey puts the average size of an active male organ at between 5.5 to 6.3 inches. But the majority falls between 4.7 and 5.1 inches.
However the secret to complete happiness is for a man to be happy with what he has because that is what makes him unique. This is the point you must learn to accept yourself. Yes, your wife has an opinion but you must make her understand that your size has nothing to do with your ability to satisfy her. If she loves you, she would not leave you for another man no matter the challenge with your size. What you both need is a lot of imagination as well as the openness to experiment without reservations.
When it comes to the art of lovemaking, size and width do not matter as much as the imagination of a couple. Some men are excessively endowed, but find it extremely difficult to get any woman to stay with them because of the inability of most women to accommodate them.
To get a woman to stay with them, such men must learn, just like the less endowed men to rely more on their hands, tongues and mouth to get the female going. These are the art that makes one experience more different from the other.
Because love within a marriage is meant to be expressed beyond measure, a definite gift from God, you and your wife must first bury whatever prejudices you both grew up with. To get to the kernel, lot of works, perseverance, interest as well as determination must first be deployed towards cracking the shell. The same principle applies to the art of lovemaking especially where a couple hits a challenge like yours.
You, being the one with the perceived problem, must be willing to do everything within limits to ensure your partner doesn’t escape with the feeling of being cheated or anger at being deceived by you into a union she won’t get the maximum sexual satisfaction from.
To this end you must encourage her to speak out her mind at every point, listen to her suggestions on how to please her as well as follow with a clear mind her initiatives.
Like every other thing in life, lovemaking isn’t static. It must be continually upgraded and distilled to give a couple the right blends. This means a couple must not only strive to achieve excellence but must do everything to patent their own act to fit into their uniqueness. For example, the technique that works for your friend and his partner may not work for you, because they don’t have the challenge you and your partner have.
So you must first evaluate not only the urgent problems but all those that are hidden as well. For instance the issue is not only that of you not having the ideal length of manhood? Would having the ideal length solve the problem of your lack of sexual satisfaction once and for all? Remember that for most women, satisfaction and not the size of the male organ is what matters at the end of the day.
Make her talk and give her the concomitant freedom to really express herself on the matter. Don’t shut her up, feel bad or get suspicious when she is making her opinion on the matter known. Although your wife, she is an adult with an adult mind and desires hence must be given the same recognition as you to be happy with the choice she made to love you unconditionally.
The danger of not involving her in your quest for solutions is the possibility of losing her completely to another man. This is one salient fact you must not overlook. She has the right to discontinue if she feels she is not being given the right to her desires. This is why you must enlist her help. So tell your wife to stop complaining and think of productive ways of achieving sexual satisfaction with you. Tell her she has all the freedom in the world to use her imagination to help both of you become better lovers because you both are licensed by God and man to tap into sex unlimited nectar.
This is the only way to make her stop complaining as well as secure her only understanding and support to make her happy. You have to break away from the traditions that insist sexual satisfaction falls under the exclusive male list. This is the point man and the society creates problems within the marriage institution. When there is a sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage framework, irrespective of who is complaining, it behooves the couple to adopt a liberal and sincere attitude towards its solution. Frankly when it comes to the delicate issue of sex, it is neither a man or woman’s world. Rather, it is a world of happiness and satisfaction.
What you should do is to look for quality books that talk about positions and postures couples seeking ultimate joy in sex should adopt. There are some positions that seem to give more volume to the male organ. Google the Internet for information on such books or ask your book retailer. These books are not pornography materials, rather they are well researched quality books put together by highly educated individuals who from years of researches know that sex to man is as important as the air we all breathe. Once man is able to overcome the pretenses and admit to the essence of sex, solutions to sexual challenges become very easy.
As for your second question, yes there are ways to increase the size of a male organ but some of them are dubious which is why it is very important a couple works at finding its own rhythm, rather than concentrating efforts on getting a solution that might not be forthcoming or could lead to more emotional and psychological frustrations at the end of the day.
There are penile enhancement surgeries where penis can be lengthened to more than 10 inches. But the urgent question is how would you determine the depth of your woman’s body? The average for a woman is about four to eight inches, which means your woman might not be able to accommodate you if you are very huge. Do you really want to get into measuring your anatomy like a tailor measuring clothes? Would your wife in her quest to make you have the right size allow her depth to be measured so that you are done to fit her perfectly?
In addition, these operations cost real money because they fall within the category of plastic surgery. Do you have the money and at the end of the day, would the fee charged be worth the satisfaction?
There are also many herbal pills and exercises that claim to increase size but you may have to go to NAFDAC to get the list of such drugs cleared for human consumption. It would be interesting to know what animals these drugs, claiming this magic were first tested on before releasing them for human consumption.
Believe me, your imagination and willingness to experiment is your best bet.
Don’t forget that God that made both of you an item has already knows why and has given both of you the individual as well as collective strength to achieve the impossible together. There is subject or problem He is ignorant of. Asking Him for help and wisdom would also help you and your wife greatly.
Good luck.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
My hubby remains a boy to his mother
Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband, who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house.
Naturally his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though he pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me, but she has a way of making my life hell on earth in that house. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food for that day and I make the attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me that that particular food isn’t eaten in that house.
The worst thing is that my husband would come and won’t say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to them to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am all on my own, begging them to even like me a little bit. But it seems the harder I try to please them the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house.
I have been begging my husband to relocate at least a litte bit away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage. But he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school, which is six hours drive from home.
Anytime I raise the issue of his family’s treatment of me, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage.
And from the looks of things, it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom decided to build his personal home few inches away from the family house.
My sister-in-law is over 30 years of age. I am dying slowly. Please help me.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way, but a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him.
Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about and lack of sincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis.
For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must, during your courtship days, have done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because, like most women thought, you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother.
The fact that you didn’t complain then, willing to play along, means that if you really put in more efforts into this marriage, you will come to defeat all the battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those whose patience is very elastic. Even the toughest battles bow at the end of the day to patience.
From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-in-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating the excesses of every friend, relations and the negative side of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing the situation to survive this marriage.
And one way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or force him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life, because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife?
Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. If you are deep, you are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood and the joy of every mother is to be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life caring for. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion no woman can resist its feeling. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will defeat the situation as long as you have the right attitude to life.
Your husband’s headship of his home didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from those close to him. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they have on ground. You two are like two combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you, your motives as well as your thoughts towards them just as you are of them.
The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of accute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges within his family he should not experience at all.
Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours, don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The trick is to device a means outside nagging or complaints to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have – you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house.
For instance, your desire to make him leave the family house could come as wishful desires. During intimacy wish for more privacy to really be together; do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying.
Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now.
Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches one the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak.
Until you leave the house, where you can avoid confrontation, do so. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room, do that. This way you get to cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen.
This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person.
It is also important to your survival that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband, who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house.
Naturally his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though he pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me, but she has a way of making my life hell on earth in that house. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food for that day and I make the attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me that that particular food isn’t eaten in that house.
The worst thing is that my husband would come and won’t say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to them to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am all on my own, begging them to even like me a little bit. But it seems the harder I try to please them the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house.
I have been begging my husband to relocate at least a litte bit away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage. But he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school, which is six hours drive from home.
Anytime I raise the issue of his family’s treatment of me, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage.
And from the looks of things, it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom decided to build his personal home few inches away from the family house.
My sister-in-law is over 30 years of age. I am dying slowly. Please help me.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way, but a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him.
Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about and lack of sincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis.
For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must, during your courtship days, have done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because, like most women thought, you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother.
The fact that you didn’t complain then, willing to play along, means that if you really put in more efforts into this marriage, you will come to defeat all the battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those whose patience is very elastic. Even the toughest battles bow at the end of the day to patience.
From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-in-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating the excesses of every friend, relations and the negative side of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing the situation to survive this marriage.
And one way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or force him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life, because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife?
Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. If you are deep, you are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood and the joy of every mother is to be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life caring for. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion no woman can resist its feeling. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will defeat the situation as long as you have the right attitude to life.
Your husband’s headship of his home didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from those close to him. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they have on ground. You two are like two combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you, your motives as well as your thoughts towards them just as you are of them.
The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of accute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges within his family he should not experience at all.
Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours, don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The trick is to device a means outside nagging or complaints to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have – you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house.
For instance, your desire to make him leave the family house could come as wishful desires. During intimacy wish for more privacy to really be together; do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying.
Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now.
Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches one the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak.
Until you leave the house, where you can avoid confrontation, do so. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room, do that. This way you get to cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen.
This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person.
It is also important to your survival that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you.
Good luck.
Too hard for my hubby to let go his ex
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I don’t know what else to add to all the prayers people, like me, daily send your way each time we get to read you. Whether you believe it or not you are doing a very wonderful and rare job through your column. It is amazing how you come up with such précised solutions. It is obvious that you are indeed doing what God created you to do, so don’t stop because it is where your breakthrough in life would come too.
I recently discovered that my husband of eight years is still dating his ex-girlfriend who left him to marry one of his colleagues when things were not going on well with him.
I knew they were secondary and university sweethearts. As a matter of fact when he came to me for a relationship a lot of those who knew about their relationship warned against my dating him. They all expressed the fear of the two of us, especially him giving the type of happiness I deserve.
A close friend of his actually expressed doubt at my husband being able to ever trust or love any other woman after what the ex-girlfriend did to him.
Because I loved him from the very beginning I ignored everything and whatever was being said about him. For me, my love was more than enough to see us through.
In fairness to him, he told me all about his ex and how much her leaving left him devastated and without hope in his future. Being from a comfortable family, I was able to use my father’s influence to swing things in his favour.
Although my father didn’t really like the idea because the entire process could be misinterpreted by people as trying to induce a man to marrying his only daughter; he still went out of his way to help because of what I feel for him.
At my insistence, we got married without too much fanfare because I have never been the loud type or one to court for cheap publicity.
I had honestly thought my husband was over his former girlfriend after three children. But you can’t imagine my shock when early this year stories started filtering in that the two of them were back and dating. At first, I refused to believe all the stories but was forced to when my husband became careless.
She has taken to calling him at odd hours, sometimes very late in the night. Last week, we were in the process of making love when her call came. My husband must have recognised she was the one through the ring tone because he abandoned me to answer her call. By the time he finished talking to her, an hour later, I was filled with rage and a deep sense of betrayal.
I would have done something stupid if he didn’t take the wise decision of apologising and pleading with me forgiveness. At this point he didn’t bother to deny it anymore.
He broke down and told me how difficult he is finding it to let go of her despite that both of them are married. He wants me to help him forget her by not fighting him.
The following day, the husband came to my house to plead with my husband right in my presence to let his wife be. According to him, he doesn’t want a broken home on his hands.
Agatha, the situation is very messy. My mother died while giving birth to me, hence the fierce protection of my two elder brothers and father.
They are all aware of what is going on in my home. My family is insisting I pack out of my home with all the children.
Agatha, the problem is that I still love my husband despite everything. Besides, he could be a very good husband when he wants to. What I don’t understand is his passion for this woman, the passion that is making him willing to sacrifice his relationship with God and his family. My mother-in-law and all my husband’s family members think she is using juju on my husband. According to her, she has always questioned the intensity of his love for her as not being normal. They too are begging me not to give up on my husband that this is the time he needs me the most.
As a woman, you can imagine the emotional pains I am going through with what is happening to me. I am so confused because despite my love, I am still human and feeling very bad. Since the woman’s husband came to him he has tried to avoid taking her calls but for how long?
Please help me because I am dying inside. I am also four months pregnant and the doctor is very alarmed at my very high blood pressure.
Ajoke.
Dear Ajoke,
Whatever you do, please put the interest of that baby and your health first. You are thinking of this problem and looking for a way to go round it because you are alive. If anything untoward happens to you or the baby as a result of the emotional stress being generated by the situation in your life, whether your husband is having affair with her or not would cease to be important.
If your husband isn’t putting your health and that of the unborn child into consideration, you owe it to yourself, your children, unborn baby and your family to put your interest first. This is the time in marriage when selfishness takes the front seat for the purpose of protecting a life.
While it could be true he may be under certain evil influences, it may simply be a strong case of two people desperate to be together irrespective of the pains their feelings and desire bring to people around them.
There is no way you can help him if he doesn’t want to be helped. For your help to be meaningful, he has to face the truth about himself and his love for this woman. Beyond the issue of him being married to you or the other woman being married to another man; what is his true feeling for her? Can he ever live a life without her or ever be contented with you in the same way he seems to have found contentment with her?
I agree, fighting him isn’t a solution, not because it would drive him further into his arms but that it won’t make any difference in their affairs. If both of them don’t care about everybody finding out about them, it means the matter is completely out of your hand.
Your husband has to make up his mind very fast about what he wants from life. No marriage is worth losing one’s life for. The emotional trauma you are going through would definitely take its toll on you especially at childbirth.
Do you want your children to go through life without a mother’s love? Despite everything your father did to give you the best, I am sure there were several moments you wished your mother was there for you. Till date I am sure your mother’s place is still very vacant in your mind’s eyes.
Yes, you have a responsibility to fight for your marriage’s survival, but at what cost to you and your children? This is the question you have to put across to your husband. If he is asking you not to fight him, help him overcome his obsession with this lady, what is he too willing to do for the family? How does he intend to help you solve the problem since nothing comes from nothing?
Having blatantly betrayed you, he sincerely lacks any right to ask you for such sacrifices unless he is willing to let go of his passion for that woman, give something back to procure the peace and security of his family. To simply demand you give him of yourself without a concomitant effort on his part to meet you half way isn’t an indication of a man who is sorry as well or willing to protect his home from imminent collapse.
Make him talk about his past with this woman. What is the secret of their passion; her hold over him and if there was an oath between them not to let go. To help him, he has to learn to trust you with all the major as well as the minor details,
You have to have a very clear image of the problem you are confronting. You already know the problem confronting you but for you to know the one you are confronting, he has to arm you with all the ammunition you need.
Insist being honest is the only way you would stay and be happy to help him. If he cannot do without the other woman, let him be honest enough to tell you so you would make the necessary adjustment and plan your next move. He would be doing more harm and injustice by insisting you help him keep a marriage he knows within his heart he has no allegiance to.
The issue is: if he has any respect for you or the sanctity of his marriage to you or the institution generally, no matter what the other woman offers him in terms of excitement, he won’t sleep with her. Not only is he destroying his own marriage but another marriage.
Whether they dated for years is immaterial now. What is important is the fact that they went their different ways to marry two other people out of their own volition. These two don’t have the right to make you and the other man suffer from their inability to make up their minds about their feelings for each other.
Therefore his apologies and desire to have you in life has to be more than skin deep for you to make this all-important sacrifices for him.
But if he is still unable to make up his mind about the other woman, you may have to take to the counsel of your family by leaving for a while to have your baby in a place you will find the emotional stability to survive the rigour of carrying the baby to full term as well as a successful childbirth.
This is a classic case of when extreme measure has to be applied to bring about sanity.
Another dimension, you should look at is focusing on the spiritual angle in your own side of the family. What led to your mother dying at childbirth? Sometimes the rhythms from the past still have the potency to make us dance unconsciously even when we are oblivious of the meaning of its lyrics. Ask your father to explain to you all about your mother, her death and situation before she died. Your marital problem may just be a smoke screen for the real danger ahead of you.
You must, as a matter of urgency, commit your life, relationship, and family to the hands of God. He only can point you at the real problem as well as the directions to go.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I don’t know what else to add to all the prayers people, like me, daily send your way each time we get to read you. Whether you believe it or not you are doing a very wonderful and rare job through your column. It is amazing how you come up with such précised solutions. It is obvious that you are indeed doing what God created you to do, so don’t stop because it is where your breakthrough in life would come too.
I recently discovered that my husband of eight years is still dating his ex-girlfriend who left him to marry one of his colleagues when things were not going on well with him.
I knew they were secondary and university sweethearts. As a matter of fact when he came to me for a relationship a lot of those who knew about their relationship warned against my dating him. They all expressed the fear of the two of us, especially him giving the type of happiness I deserve.
A close friend of his actually expressed doubt at my husband being able to ever trust or love any other woman after what the ex-girlfriend did to him.
Because I loved him from the very beginning I ignored everything and whatever was being said about him. For me, my love was more than enough to see us through.
In fairness to him, he told me all about his ex and how much her leaving left him devastated and without hope in his future. Being from a comfortable family, I was able to use my father’s influence to swing things in his favour.
Although my father didn’t really like the idea because the entire process could be misinterpreted by people as trying to induce a man to marrying his only daughter; he still went out of his way to help because of what I feel for him.
At my insistence, we got married without too much fanfare because I have never been the loud type or one to court for cheap publicity.
I had honestly thought my husband was over his former girlfriend after three children. But you can’t imagine my shock when early this year stories started filtering in that the two of them were back and dating. At first, I refused to believe all the stories but was forced to when my husband became careless.
She has taken to calling him at odd hours, sometimes very late in the night. Last week, we were in the process of making love when her call came. My husband must have recognised she was the one through the ring tone because he abandoned me to answer her call. By the time he finished talking to her, an hour later, I was filled with rage and a deep sense of betrayal.
I would have done something stupid if he didn’t take the wise decision of apologising and pleading with me forgiveness. At this point he didn’t bother to deny it anymore.
He broke down and told me how difficult he is finding it to let go of her despite that both of them are married. He wants me to help him forget her by not fighting him.
The following day, the husband came to my house to plead with my husband right in my presence to let his wife be. According to him, he doesn’t want a broken home on his hands.
Agatha, the situation is very messy. My mother died while giving birth to me, hence the fierce protection of my two elder brothers and father.
They are all aware of what is going on in my home. My family is insisting I pack out of my home with all the children.
Agatha, the problem is that I still love my husband despite everything. Besides, he could be a very good husband when he wants to. What I don’t understand is his passion for this woman, the passion that is making him willing to sacrifice his relationship with God and his family. My mother-in-law and all my husband’s family members think she is using juju on my husband. According to her, she has always questioned the intensity of his love for her as not being normal. They too are begging me not to give up on my husband that this is the time he needs me the most.
As a woman, you can imagine the emotional pains I am going through with what is happening to me. I am so confused because despite my love, I am still human and feeling very bad. Since the woman’s husband came to him he has tried to avoid taking her calls but for how long?
Please help me because I am dying inside. I am also four months pregnant and the doctor is very alarmed at my very high blood pressure.
Ajoke.
Dear Ajoke,
Whatever you do, please put the interest of that baby and your health first. You are thinking of this problem and looking for a way to go round it because you are alive. If anything untoward happens to you or the baby as a result of the emotional stress being generated by the situation in your life, whether your husband is having affair with her or not would cease to be important.
If your husband isn’t putting your health and that of the unborn child into consideration, you owe it to yourself, your children, unborn baby and your family to put your interest first. This is the time in marriage when selfishness takes the front seat for the purpose of protecting a life.
While it could be true he may be under certain evil influences, it may simply be a strong case of two people desperate to be together irrespective of the pains their feelings and desire bring to people around them.
There is no way you can help him if he doesn’t want to be helped. For your help to be meaningful, he has to face the truth about himself and his love for this woman. Beyond the issue of him being married to you or the other woman being married to another man; what is his true feeling for her? Can he ever live a life without her or ever be contented with you in the same way he seems to have found contentment with her?
I agree, fighting him isn’t a solution, not because it would drive him further into his arms but that it won’t make any difference in their affairs. If both of them don’t care about everybody finding out about them, it means the matter is completely out of your hand.
Your husband has to make up his mind very fast about what he wants from life. No marriage is worth losing one’s life for. The emotional trauma you are going through would definitely take its toll on you especially at childbirth.
Do you want your children to go through life without a mother’s love? Despite everything your father did to give you the best, I am sure there were several moments you wished your mother was there for you. Till date I am sure your mother’s place is still very vacant in your mind’s eyes.
Yes, you have a responsibility to fight for your marriage’s survival, but at what cost to you and your children? This is the question you have to put across to your husband. If he is asking you not to fight him, help him overcome his obsession with this lady, what is he too willing to do for the family? How does he intend to help you solve the problem since nothing comes from nothing?
Having blatantly betrayed you, he sincerely lacks any right to ask you for such sacrifices unless he is willing to let go of his passion for that woman, give something back to procure the peace and security of his family. To simply demand you give him of yourself without a concomitant effort on his part to meet you half way isn’t an indication of a man who is sorry as well or willing to protect his home from imminent collapse.
Make him talk about his past with this woman. What is the secret of their passion; her hold over him and if there was an oath between them not to let go. To help him, he has to learn to trust you with all the major as well as the minor details,
You have to have a very clear image of the problem you are confronting. You already know the problem confronting you but for you to know the one you are confronting, he has to arm you with all the ammunition you need.
Insist being honest is the only way you would stay and be happy to help him. If he cannot do without the other woman, let him be honest enough to tell you so you would make the necessary adjustment and plan your next move. He would be doing more harm and injustice by insisting you help him keep a marriage he knows within his heart he has no allegiance to.
The issue is: if he has any respect for you or the sanctity of his marriage to you or the institution generally, no matter what the other woman offers him in terms of excitement, he won’t sleep with her. Not only is he destroying his own marriage but another marriage.
Whether they dated for years is immaterial now. What is important is the fact that they went their different ways to marry two other people out of their own volition. These two don’t have the right to make you and the other man suffer from their inability to make up their minds about their feelings for each other.
Therefore his apologies and desire to have you in life has to be more than skin deep for you to make this all-important sacrifices for him.
But if he is still unable to make up his mind about the other woman, you may have to take to the counsel of your family by leaving for a while to have your baby in a place you will find the emotional stability to survive the rigour of carrying the baby to full term as well as a successful childbirth.
This is a classic case of when extreme measure has to be applied to bring about sanity.
Another dimension, you should look at is focusing on the spiritual angle in your own side of the family. What led to your mother dying at childbirth? Sometimes the rhythms from the past still have the potency to make us dance unconsciously even when we are oblivious of the meaning of its lyrics. Ask your father to explain to you all about your mother, her death and situation before she died. Your marital problem may just be a smoke screen for the real danger ahead of you.
You must, as a matter of urgency, commit your life, relationship, and family to the hands of God. He only can point you at the real problem as well as the directions to go.
Good luck.
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