My hubby’s siblings turn my home to hell

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

As I write you this mail, my home is boiling. Seven years out of my eight years of marriage, my home has known no peace.

I am from Abia, while my husband is from Anambra.

We had cause to live with five of my husband’s siblings at once and it had been hell living with them and witnessing several characters. A situation, where they will like to dictate what happens in my home, what to cook, who goes to which school and all that. To worsen it, the young man among them has a recurring mental illness, and each time it happens, accusing fingers are pointed at me as the cause of his problem; for causing irritation in the home when I am actually reacting to their suppression in my home. They often hold meetings on how to deal with me.

All these years have been that of tears, with my husband focusing on his siblings while I struggle to give my children the best I can afford. None of his siblings appreciate the cost of footing the medical bill of the young man, while still struggling to put food on the table.

The recent trouble started with my husband’s niece fighting me and my husband’s insistence that she goes to visit her father for a week as punishment for her misdemeanour. Rather than going to my husband to discuss and plead, they (the brother and sister) resorted to verbal abuse on my person. This did not go down with me and I had to give it to the young man, word for word, due to the fact that he had earlier poured invectives on me without any response from me. My offence was that I phoned some close relatives when I overheard him talking in the night thinking that he was mentally sick again, going by his history.

I only wept my heart out because he said some unbelievable words, which tallied with what some prayer warriors said that the stagnancy in my life has to do with my husband’s siblings. I have tried to improve my relationship with him and the other siblings but have failed because if you offend one, you offend all and the younger ones are careless with chores.

He was bitter after the battle of words as he took every word to heart while I disregarded his insults, abuses and name callings.

A month after this incident, his mental problems started all over again. As usual, his sisters started their accusations all over again. Ironically, when he recovers, they still bring him back to my house.

Agatha, I admit, I feel threatened by the presence of this man in our lives. My children are all girls and if his attitude of trying to be in control of everything is anything to go by, I fear for my children. He is always in the habit of taking things without asking for permission.

Granted, I have a temper, but I am trying my best to work on it as well as accommodate them in my life as their presence in my home is inevitable. I have resigned myself to prayers and consolations that one day they would all leave my home for theirs so that I can reap the joy of matrimony which other women enjoy.

I encouraged my husband to raise funds to establish businesses for the older ones while I take charge of the home front and it has been years of spending every bit of my earnings to sustain our large family.

I have had enough of their problems and insolence. I desire peace. I don’t think they should dictate what happens in my home. They see nothing good in me, even the one I got a job for. Every little thing in my home is amplified when relating it to their elder sister in the north who in turn gives them all her support. For how long, can I continue with this battle or have peace in my home?

Worried Wife.



Dear Worried Wife,

You are all to blame for what is happening in your home.

Much as I totally agree with you that your home should be left to you to run, one salient fact that you must recognise in your home is the lack of support from your husband.

For a woman to be in charge in her home, she must have an appreciable support of her husband to do a good job. From what you have said, your husband is indifferent to your plight, making your position in that house very vulnerable.

Going by his attitude, your choice is very narrow; continue to endure and pray for the time when they would have no choice but to leave your home. If you attempt to hurry the process, you risk fighting more bitter battles. So the best thing for you now is to accept it as one of the sacrifices that come with being married to the man you love.

At one point or the other, we all go through some sacrifices for the sake of love. If our Lord, Jesus Christ, paid the supreme price of a disgraceful death because of the love He has for you and I, it follows that true and enduring love cannot be built without some painful choices.

Your mistake began in the early days. If you are honest, you never liked their presence in your home and didn’t mask this fact from them. Being newly married and young, you wanted your husband all to yourself hence saw them as massive intruders. Because nothing in your experience prepared you for the politics of living successfully in a husband’s house as well as the management of his family, you allowed your temper and tongue too much freedom, forgetting that words when wrongly used can cause permanent damage.

Before you all got to this point of them abusing and fighting you right in the presence of your husband, what has been your attitude? Have you at any time attempted to make them feel at home or treated like your siblings despite the inconveniences of their presence in your home?

Life gives back to us what we give to it. Even though in-laws can be huge pains in the neck, if you had handled them well from the beginning at least one of them would have been on your side; telling your in-laws that you are not as bad as the others paint you.

Contrary to popular opinion, in-laws are very vital to the success or otherwise of a marriage. They draw their strength and placement from the fact they have known one’s spouse before the couple met. For a woman in particular to succeed in her new family, she must factor the interest of her in-laws into her marriage plans.

She must learn from her own family the politics of marriage, the technique of blending her interest for her husband with that of the original owners of her husband.

You should have known that in a game from the heart of the man, you cannot win in a home that has all the people he grew up with present. He shares knowledge and special moments with each of them, memories you are not part of. Even though you are his wife, they have a very strong hold over your husband because of this history.

You would understand this bound more if you have siblings of your own and children whom you will never wish to be separated by their husbands or wives in future.

This is the sentiments in-laws use to beat their children into line, to remind them of who made them before they became husbands or wives to other persons.

As a woman, these people are your new family, siblings and identity because not only do you now bear their names but the family which your children would forever draw their strength and glory.

For this reason, you must be careful how you treat them for the sake of your children whose family members these people are.

A wise woman would have studied the weakest but the most influential of the clan for her own advantage. To take on the whole of them in one full swoop was foolish and unwise. More often than not, the most influential in a group is often the weakest of the links in terms of being most receptive to reasons.

Since you know the sick young man is the most influential and likely to become your children’s nightmare, what efforts have you made to win him over when he is not having his mental problem?

Frankly, there is no way you can win them over if you continue to fight them. It would only continue to degenerate with your husband unable to effect discipline in your favour.

When next they begin their gang up, ignore them. Pretend they aren’t doing anything wrong. Don’t even answer them when they are spoiling for a fight, walk away. Doing so doesn’t make you a coward but more matured than them. Being their brother’s wife, let your attitude towards them be tolerating as well as long suffering. There is no way any of them would assault you if you refuse to answer them.

Let your bedroom become your haven. When your joint places become too uncomfortable for you to endure, retreat to your room which you must re-arrange to suit your purpose.

It may be your home but for now learn to treat it as their homes as well, if that is what would bring peace to your home. Learn to tailor your peace to conform with the situation in your home. The secret of marital success is not to tailor your marriage along the experiences of others. Just like you are unique, your own experiences too are.

The truth of the situation is that you have five other children outside your own children. Therefore you must learn to be a mother to them despite their disdain and disrespect for your person.

It is only after you begin to play your role as their mother that you can justifiably demand them to treat you as one.

If you continue to respond to their insults at the slightest provocation, you reduce yourself to their level, opening yourself up to receiving insults as well as justifying their accusation of you being a witch. Your reactions to their behaviour may be why they think you are responsible for the condition of their brothers. Things we say out of uncontrolled anger more often than not paint us in colours that don’t really tell who we really are.

Don’t allow it to happen again. In that house, you are the woman of the house but it is not by forcing the knowledge on them you would earn any respect from them. It is only by working for it.

Although your husband has the blame of not being able to effect discipline in his home, but the task of procuring the elusive peace lies in your hands squarely.

Bury your pains and learn to be patient with them if you really love your husband and children. Very soon they would all be out of your home for good.

Be more devoted to your prayers and relationship with God because you need Him each day to make the difference in your life and marriage. Quality peace comes only if God is your strength.

Good luck.