With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been urging my first daughter to bring a man home to marry. She is almost 38. Although the most beautiful of my three daughters, she appears to be the one having the most difficulties in sustaining any relationship. Men come and go. I haven’t seen a man who has stayed with her for more than six months at most.
Her two younger sisters are married and have children of their own. Severally, I have heard her crying in her room but there is nothing I can do to help her beyond praying for her.
Two years ago, her father tried matchmaking her with the son of his best friend who also is unmarried at 42. We thought it would work between the two of them but were warned in the church not to allow them continue with the relationship. Our pastor said, the boy in question has a very short lifespan and our daughter would become widowed within a month after their marriage. They had no choice but to go their different ways. The man got married to another lady early this year and nothing has happened to him.
My daughter feels very bad about it. She thinks the pastor lied about the prophecy to make way for the daughter of his relation who the boy eventually got married to.
Now she is dating a man who already has two wives and from all indices has made up her mind to marry him whether we are in support of her decision or not.
The father and I have done everything to make her see reasons but nothing we say appears to be having the right kind of effect on her anymore.
How do I convince her not to marry this man who in addition to having two wives is almost of the same age with my husband. A friend of mine told me to go and appeal to the man to leave my daughter alone. I am actually considering going as soon as I hear from you.
Please help me.
Madam Alice.
Dear Madam Alice,
Frankly, in her current state of mind, there is nothing you say or do now that can make her change her mind. It would take the grace of God to stop her from continuing with her decision to marry this man.
At 38 and with her younger sisters all married, she feels time is not on her side. The only man that was sufficiently interested in her and who would have married her was driven away by the prophecy of a pastor.
In her shoes, how would you feel especially as no man has ever been around her for more than six months at a go? This isn’t time for you or her father to insist on her not marrying the man she has made up her mind to marry. Instead, adopt diplomacy in this matter. You need to understand her pains as well as disappointments. You, as a woman, must appreciate that until this moment she had done everything you wanted and how her obedience to your wish as pronounced by the pastor has affected her.
She cannot be happy seeing the man who wanted to marry her in the arms of another woman; the man she was told would die within a month of their marriage. It would have been a different matter if the man had truly died according to the sayings of the pastor but that he has been married for sometime now and is still alive has really complicated things for you.
You must understand that she is very bitter and has lost hope in everything you, her father and the church represent. Having done everything your way until now, she feels it is time she does things her way. Even if you are not comfortable with her decision, learn to take each day as it comes.
Being her mother, you know her better than anybody. It is this knowledge you must rely on to make her listen to you. But before you even try attempting to terminate her current relationship, what alternative do you have for her? It isn’t just enough asking her to drop this man; you must be prepared to provide her with options. For instance, you could split them by asking your daughter to change location. Sending her abroad to start life afresh is one sacrifice you and your husband can consider. It would help you achieve your desire of stopping her from making the mistake of marrying a man who already has two wives as well as create a new environment for her to meet new people.
It would also remove her from immediate scene of seeing this her ex-boyfriend and his wife. This way, she would heal faster than if she remained in Nigeria.
In addition, you would still be able to preserve your relationship with your daughter. As it stands now, you risk losing her love and respect by your decision not to support her choice of a husband.
Offering to sponsor her trip and stay abroad would help her realise that you mean well for her and that if you could change the world to make her happy, you would since have done it. If you cannot afford a European country, you and your husband can consider an African country. She actually needs a change of environment to remain emotionally stable.
Going to this man would only complicate things for you in terms of your relationship with your daughter. It is your daughter you have business with not the man. Everyman has the right to desire any woman; it is usually the job of the woman to say yes or no. He proposed to your daughter and she accepted. He has not done anything out of the ordinary. The fact that you don’t subscribe to polygamy doesn’t make it wrong or illegal. Your daughter would rightly feel you are interfering too much in her life. Don’t forget that at 38, she is an adult and who by right should be in her husband’s house making her decision.
The fact that she is still single doesn’t mean you should not recognise her right to her decision. She really doesn’t need your consent to marry this man because it is her life and decision. The fact that she agreed to listen to you all these years is because she is a responsible lady.
The way you talk to and tailor the life of a young woman in her 20s is different from a 38-year-old woman.
Stop trying to live her life for her. Granted, you are her mother but she is also an adult and knows what is good for her. If you want to intervene, it must be done with so much wisdom and caution. This is why you must give her positive alternatives to the choice she is about to make else you would be unwittingly pushing her to the very direction you don’t want her to go to.
As a mother, you also need to pray your daughter into happiness. One thing is to give her an alternative to her decision; another thing is for you to pray for her. There is no doubting that from your story, your first daughter has some spiritual challenges, which you as a mother isn’t paying too much attention to.
If you don’t get on your knees fast, even if she goes there, things might not really work for her. It is time you moved out of your cocoon and seek the face of God on behalf on your daughter. Look back into your family, your husband’s family for clues into her problem. What is happening to her isn’t natural.
Also, find out from her if she has offended any man in the past; one that swore to deal with her. You must find out where the leak is from to enable you know what your prayer points would be.
She needs your help because this battle is beyond her. It is the reason all young girls pray to have their mothers alive. Cry to God for His help. It isn’t too late for her to find her missing rib. This is a step you have to take on your own. Fast and go on personal vigil for your daughter. If God wants you to seek the help of a pastor, He would direct you appropriately.
You must first get rid of her spiritual dustbin before sending her abroad or talking to her. It is very important.
Good luck.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I’m in love with a violent man
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 23 years of age. I started dating my boyfriend when I was in my final year in secondary school. He actually helped me to secure admission into the university since I didn’t go through the right channel. Because of this, I have remained in his debt. He beats me, flirts, behaves as he likes and does other things that really hurt me. Severally, he has poured hot soup on me simply because I protest against his numerous women. Twice I have made feeble attempts to leave him, but deep down I know I can’t because he has an inexplicable hold over me. Apart from what I feel for him, he can be very violent and has promised to eliminate my entire family, himself and me if I ever leave him for another man. Knowing him as much as I do, this isn’t an empty threat. Once he locked me in the room when I refused to make love with him and brought out a sharp object to eliminate both of us if I don’t do what he wanted. A lot of my friends have tried talking to me about this abusive relationship. I know he is bad for me, but I don’t know what to do. The funny thing is that he comes back to beg after such misbehavior. Another reason for my handicap has to do with the help he offered me in getting my admission. He is capable of exposing everything to the world and where would that leave me? Another thing is that I am pregnant, and unfortunately for me the doctor I went to is his friend, and has told him about it. So there is no way of escaping marrying him. Please, Agatha, what do I do now? This man is capable of killing me one day but I am very helpless. I don’t have a mother and don’t know how to end this relationship. I am also afraid the baby would end up being as violent as the father just like a friend of mine pointed out. What do you think? I am really scared. Please help me. I don’t want to die young and cannot abort the baby because there is a prophecy that if I attempt it I would die.
Yeni.
Dear Yeni, Aside from the prophecy, the baby is a gift from God. So don’t even think of removing it. You appeared to have made one mistake already, don’t be in a haste to make another one. You may not be comfortable with the attitude of the father but the baby is innocent. Invest love in the baby and give it proper training. A lot of the time, we are the kind of training we got from our parents. Your boyfriend is who he is, because of the kind of training he got and the company he keeps. Even if your child inherits this aspect of his character, you can help the child overcome it by showing him or her true and undiluted love. Usually, children manifest their kind of nature when young. From that point, the mother has the task of moulding the child to what she wants him or her to become. The mistake most mothers make is to ignore these traits or attribute them to the age of the child. Sometimes too, these kinds of behaviour come from over-indulgence on the part of the mother. If nothing is done early enough, by the time the mother feels the need to introduce discipline, it becomes almost impossible and a future problem to the spouse. The key to helping this child come to full maturity lies with you. As a mother your duties and responsibilities go beyond giving birth to the child. It includes pointing the child to the right direction through the words of God. As for your relationship with the man, the choice to stay depends solely on what you want from life. If you enjoy being beaten and humiliated, you can stay. But if you don’t, be bold to confront him on what you think of his attitude towards you. From all indications, this man lacks respect for your person and feelings. Whatever your own shortcomings are, he hasn’t the right to beat you. It shows a man who is completely lacking in self-control and maturity in handling women. And if he keeps beating you at this stage of your relationship, when he should be courting you, making himself attractive to you so that you can agree to marry him, how do you think he would treat you when you are both married? That he helped you secure admission in your school isn’t an excuse for him to threaten or keep beating you anytime he feels like. No love is worth any violence. While it is natural for couple to quarrel, at times even violent ones, what is happening in your relationship is, however unhealthy, as it has become a pattern. If you don’t build up the courage now to face this situation and give it the kind of attention you may not live long to even enjoy being mother to your children. What if the hot soup he poured on you had left you with permanent injury, handicapped for life? What kind of story would you be telling your family? Grow up! No love can be greater than the love to stay alive? Your sustaining a relationship is dependent on your being alive. If you die from injuries you sustain from being constantly beaten by him, this guy would eventually marry another woman. The loss won’t be his but that of your family who would have lost a promising daughter and you would have lost a life God intended for greatness. I am sure God didn’t create you to be a punching bag for a man who is probably learning how to be a world-class boxing champion. If this man has no respect for you, learn to give yourself some respect. He is treating you this way because he knows you are weak and handicapped by your desire to stay in school at all cost. Resist being blackmailed by him to stay in this relationship. Life is too beautiful, fragile and short for this kind of lifestyle you plan with this man. Whatever your fears are now, you can bet they are far less than the kind of life you would have if after witnessing and experiencing all these dangerous signs, you still go ahead to marry him. That you are pregnant for him isn’t also a reason for you to marry him. Every child deserves happiness and peaceful home to grow in. So do you, as a young woman, just starting out her life. If you are being treated by your man as a second-class citizen, one who lacks the ability to think or feel anything. What kind of respect do you think your child would have for you? Honestly, you are still beating about the bush and clearly not being very honest with yourself concerning the real reason you are putting up with his character. Unless you are able to do without that secret thing you are not saying, you will never be able to end this relationship. You need to admit to the real truth behind your story and plight to fuel your determination to resist him permanently. The best way is to weigh this thing you are not saying and the worth of your own life. How much does your life mean to you? Is that thing worth dying for? Value your life appropriately, it is the only way to either move on or opt out of this relationship. You also have to go to take a trip to the very beginning of this relationship. Can you tell the mistakes you made at the beginning? Unless there is something very wrong with him, he alone couldn’t have destroyed this relationship to this extent. Knowing those things you didn’t do right at the inception of your relationship would also help you avoid many of the mistakes this relationship has become. One way of ending it is to simply walk away and threaten to inform the Police about threats he has made to kill you and your entire family. Also tell your family. And if you have brothers, let them go to him. More often than not, bullies die many times before their death. Once he knows the Police is involved as well as your family, he would be cautious in his dealings with you. Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 23 years of age. I started dating my boyfriend when I was in my final year in secondary school. He actually helped me to secure admission into the university since I didn’t go through the right channel. Because of this, I have remained in his debt. He beats me, flirts, behaves as he likes and does other things that really hurt me. Severally, he has poured hot soup on me simply because I protest against his numerous women. Twice I have made feeble attempts to leave him, but deep down I know I can’t because he has an inexplicable hold over me. Apart from what I feel for him, he can be very violent and has promised to eliminate my entire family, himself and me if I ever leave him for another man. Knowing him as much as I do, this isn’t an empty threat. Once he locked me in the room when I refused to make love with him and brought out a sharp object to eliminate both of us if I don’t do what he wanted. A lot of my friends have tried talking to me about this abusive relationship. I know he is bad for me, but I don’t know what to do. The funny thing is that he comes back to beg after such misbehavior. Another reason for my handicap has to do with the help he offered me in getting my admission. He is capable of exposing everything to the world and where would that leave me? Another thing is that I am pregnant, and unfortunately for me the doctor I went to is his friend, and has told him about it. So there is no way of escaping marrying him. Please, Agatha, what do I do now? This man is capable of killing me one day but I am very helpless. I don’t have a mother and don’t know how to end this relationship. I am also afraid the baby would end up being as violent as the father just like a friend of mine pointed out. What do you think? I am really scared. Please help me. I don’t want to die young and cannot abort the baby because there is a prophecy that if I attempt it I would die.
Yeni.
Dear Yeni, Aside from the prophecy, the baby is a gift from God. So don’t even think of removing it. You appeared to have made one mistake already, don’t be in a haste to make another one. You may not be comfortable with the attitude of the father but the baby is innocent. Invest love in the baby and give it proper training. A lot of the time, we are the kind of training we got from our parents. Your boyfriend is who he is, because of the kind of training he got and the company he keeps. Even if your child inherits this aspect of his character, you can help the child overcome it by showing him or her true and undiluted love. Usually, children manifest their kind of nature when young. From that point, the mother has the task of moulding the child to what she wants him or her to become. The mistake most mothers make is to ignore these traits or attribute them to the age of the child. Sometimes too, these kinds of behaviour come from over-indulgence on the part of the mother. If nothing is done early enough, by the time the mother feels the need to introduce discipline, it becomes almost impossible and a future problem to the spouse. The key to helping this child come to full maturity lies with you. As a mother your duties and responsibilities go beyond giving birth to the child. It includes pointing the child to the right direction through the words of God. As for your relationship with the man, the choice to stay depends solely on what you want from life. If you enjoy being beaten and humiliated, you can stay. But if you don’t, be bold to confront him on what you think of his attitude towards you. From all indications, this man lacks respect for your person and feelings. Whatever your own shortcomings are, he hasn’t the right to beat you. It shows a man who is completely lacking in self-control and maturity in handling women. And if he keeps beating you at this stage of your relationship, when he should be courting you, making himself attractive to you so that you can agree to marry him, how do you think he would treat you when you are both married? That he helped you secure admission in your school isn’t an excuse for him to threaten or keep beating you anytime he feels like. No love is worth any violence. While it is natural for couple to quarrel, at times even violent ones, what is happening in your relationship is, however unhealthy, as it has become a pattern. If you don’t build up the courage now to face this situation and give it the kind of attention you may not live long to even enjoy being mother to your children. What if the hot soup he poured on you had left you with permanent injury, handicapped for life? What kind of story would you be telling your family? Grow up! No love can be greater than the love to stay alive? Your sustaining a relationship is dependent on your being alive. If you die from injuries you sustain from being constantly beaten by him, this guy would eventually marry another woman. The loss won’t be his but that of your family who would have lost a promising daughter and you would have lost a life God intended for greatness. I am sure God didn’t create you to be a punching bag for a man who is probably learning how to be a world-class boxing champion. If this man has no respect for you, learn to give yourself some respect. He is treating you this way because he knows you are weak and handicapped by your desire to stay in school at all cost. Resist being blackmailed by him to stay in this relationship. Life is too beautiful, fragile and short for this kind of lifestyle you plan with this man. Whatever your fears are now, you can bet they are far less than the kind of life you would have if after witnessing and experiencing all these dangerous signs, you still go ahead to marry him. That you are pregnant for him isn’t also a reason for you to marry him. Every child deserves happiness and peaceful home to grow in. So do you, as a young woman, just starting out her life. If you are being treated by your man as a second-class citizen, one who lacks the ability to think or feel anything. What kind of respect do you think your child would have for you? Honestly, you are still beating about the bush and clearly not being very honest with yourself concerning the real reason you are putting up with his character. Unless you are able to do without that secret thing you are not saying, you will never be able to end this relationship. You need to admit to the real truth behind your story and plight to fuel your determination to resist him permanently. The best way is to weigh this thing you are not saying and the worth of your own life. How much does your life mean to you? Is that thing worth dying for? Value your life appropriately, it is the only way to either move on or opt out of this relationship. You also have to go to take a trip to the very beginning of this relationship. Can you tell the mistakes you made at the beginning? Unless there is something very wrong with him, he alone couldn’t have destroyed this relationship to this extent. Knowing those things you didn’t do right at the inception of your relationship would also help you avoid many of the mistakes this relationship has become. One way of ending it is to simply walk away and threaten to inform the Police about threats he has made to kill you and your entire family. Also tell your family. And if you have brothers, let them go to him. More often than not, bullies die many times before their death. Once he knows the Police is involved as well as your family, he would be cautious in his dealings with you. Good luck.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Why do we have to marry?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 42 and understandably under pressure from members of my family, especially my parents and friends to marry. I have been disappointed, crushed and I am very bitter especially as everybody seems not to understand that the choice to be single isn’t one I am happy with. Like most women my age, I want to have a husband and children.
Most of my friends have children in the universities, so it isn’t as if I am not thinking or conscious of what is expected of me. But, the issue goes beyond what I want or people around me for that matter.
It is for me an issue of what is workable. Looking at the quality of marriages around me, I really appear to be better off. Everywhere I turn to, I see a lot of pretences in marriages. A lot of my friends are into other relationships to keep themselves happy because of the pressures they are getting from their partners. Most of them are the ones responsible for the upkeep of their homes and the fees of their children. Now tell me what is the difference between me and them? They pick their bills just as I do so what is all the hassles about a woman getting married at all cost? I may not be completely happy but I am contented with the choices life has made for me.
My reason for writing is to ask you why do people marry and to know of what essence is marriage generally? Is it a must for a woman or man for that matter to get married?
Ibiyemi.
Dear Ibiyemi,
The essence of marriages comes from the companionship it offers. Its seemingly imperfection not withstanding, the benefits of being married cannot be undervalued. Nature expects it and so does the society. To do otherwise is to court and attract undue attention to oneself.
You may not appreciate the worth of having your own family now but as time goes on, you will soon realise that life is in stages. Each phase flows from the previous into the next. There is no jumping to the next stage in life without first, living in the present. Mostly, life many disappointments come from our inability to correctly read and identify that particular chain that links the present with the future. Unfortunately, not many get the chance to relive that aspect of their lives again.
Life itself is a tangle of intricate webs, which makes frustration, regrets, pains and betrayals as well as happiness concomitant to our existence. As long as we have learnt to accept the good things life offers, we must also learn to deal with its flip side. That you have been experiencing pains and rejections from men or the fact that you think marriages are not what they are supposed to be, enough reasons for you to completely write off the prospect of marriage. Life is about falling and rising up again. It is also about sharing what we have.
This is where marriage draws strength from. A couple must have a commonwealth to make a marriage work. Without a couple combining resources, the marriage would run into problems of logistics. The role of a woman in marriage is to provide quality support for her husband. If she elects to pick the bills for housekeeping, it is her choice to do so. A woman that finds herself in that position is only making the sacrifice to make her home work and happy.
Sacrifice is the anchor of every successful marriage. Being the bedrock of the home, a woman must do what has to be done to ensure her home is happy. This is why a lot of women are making the choice of bringing out their money to make their marriages work. It is not a minus rather, it is a plus for the woman who invests in her home. One gets to a point in life when one realises that marriage isn’t the make-believe our mothers project marriage. Every woman must understand the needs of her marriage to know when, where to step in and what to offer. The success of every marriage is dependent on the ability of the woman to fully interprete the nature of her own marriage.
If after all these sacrifices, the same woman decides to play around, it doesn’t mean her marriage is in problems or that the institution is in shambles. Far from it! It simply means such a woman lacks the moral value to honour her man and vows. And you will be doing yourself a great injustice to premise your happiness on the values of such a woman.
You may not have the challenge your friends have in their marriages. Yours may be a completely different kind of trials. There is no way you would know what life expects of you, if you don’t give it a chance to show you.
Your friends are only doing what women have secretly done through the ages to keep their home intact.
At 42, you are getting on in age. A time would come when you won’t be so attractive, when all your friends would be too preoccupied with their own families to have the extra time to spend chatting or exchanging visits with you. If you are the kind that keeps a large family, a time would come when they will all leave your nest to begin their own lives. This is when you need your own immediate family, your own children and husband to fill the gap for you.
There is also another stage when the children would leave and you would be alone with your partner. These are the stages of life. This is the real time when the real meaning of marriage becomes evident; when the reason God ordained marriage becomes unmistakable.
In addition to companionship, there are various emotional values attached to being married. Besides this aspect of marriage, many people gauge one’s level of responsibility by one’s marital status. A person, especially a man, who isn’t married won’t be considered for certain sensitive international positions.
Beyond the superficial reasons, the truth is that we all need someone in our lives to make us feel complete. A woman needs a man to reach her full emotional and social status just as a man must have a woman in his life to be complete.
Adulthood means complimenting someone else. This is why once we get to an age of acquiring companion, something in our mind triggers off that need. No matter how strong we are, we need companionship, friendship, cheer-leader, someone who understands us and willingly to make tremendous sacrifices for us. For a woman, we need that special man who when the world thinks we are all wrinkles, still sees the beauty in us. It is something we all need once we are getting on in age. Only marriage gives an old woman the confidence to feel happy and beautiful.
Rather than dismiss the idea of marriage, you must first consider why you have kept meeting with disappointments in your relationships. Definitely, the problem can’t be that of the marriage institution or the men coming to you for that matter. Rather, most of it would come from your own failure to identify what precisely you are looking for in life.
Like I said earlier, our pains often have roots in our helplessness to squarely face what our needs really are. At 42, you are already on reality zone. Your dreams and visions should have changed dramatically from what they were about a decade ago. If your desire has always tilted towards the physcial and financial status of the man, by now you should know that such things do not guarantee happiness in marriage. Marriage is more about what we have inside and not what we look like or have. There always comes a time in life when the body desires to have the intimacy of the opposite sex. Even if the other party isn’t in the mood, being married makes it a must for the other party to give in. It is one of the many benefits marriage offers.
Once you make the decision to change your focus, you will find out that marriage is an inevitable journey for us all as adults.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 42 and understandably under pressure from members of my family, especially my parents and friends to marry. I have been disappointed, crushed and I am very bitter especially as everybody seems not to understand that the choice to be single isn’t one I am happy with. Like most women my age, I want to have a husband and children.
Most of my friends have children in the universities, so it isn’t as if I am not thinking or conscious of what is expected of me. But, the issue goes beyond what I want or people around me for that matter.
It is for me an issue of what is workable. Looking at the quality of marriages around me, I really appear to be better off. Everywhere I turn to, I see a lot of pretences in marriages. A lot of my friends are into other relationships to keep themselves happy because of the pressures they are getting from their partners. Most of them are the ones responsible for the upkeep of their homes and the fees of their children. Now tell me what is the difference between me and them? They pick their bills just as I do so what is all the hassles about a woman getting married at all cost? I may not be completely happy but I am contented with the choices life has made for me.
My reason for writing is to ask you why do people marry and to know of what essence is marriage generally? Is it a must for a woman or man for that matter to get married?
Ibiyemi.
Dear Ibiyemi,
The essence of marriages comes from the companionship it offers. Its seemingly imperfection not withstanding, the benefits of being married cannot be undervalued. Nature expects it and so does the society. To do otherwise is to court and attract undue attention to oneself.
You may not appreciate the worth of having your own family now but as time goes on, you will soon realise that life is in stages. Each phase flows from the previous into the next. There is no jumping to the next stage in life without first, living in the present. Mostly, life many disappointments come from our inability to correctly read and identify that particular chain that links the present with the future. Unfortunately, not many get the chance to relive that aspect of their lives again.
Life itself is a tangle of intricate webs, which makes frustration, regrets, pains and betrayals as well as happiness concomitant to our existence. As long as we have learnt to accept the good things life offers, we must also learn to deal with its flip side. That you have been experiencing pains and rejections from men or the fact that you think marriages are not what they are supposed to be, enough reasons for you to completely write off the prospect of marriage. Life is about falling and rising up again. It is also about sharing what we have.
This is where marriage draws strength from. A couple must have a commonwealth to make a marriage work. Without a couple combining resources, the marriage would run into problems of logistics. The role of a woman in marriage is to provide quality support for her husband. If she elects to pick the bills for housekeeping, it is her choice to do so. A woman that finds herself in that position is only making the sacrifice to make her home work and happy.
Sacrifice is the anchor of every successful marriage. Being the bedrock of the home, a woman must do what has to be done to ensure her home is happy. This is why a lot of women are making the choice of bringing out their money to make their marriages work. It is not a minus rather, it is a plus for the woman who invests in her home. One gets to a point in life when one realises that marriage isn’t the make-believe our mothers project marriage. Every woman must understand the needs of her marriage to know when, where to step in and what to offer. The success of every marriage is dependent on the ability of the woman to fully interprete the nature of her own marriage.
If after all these sacrifices, the same woman decides to play around, it doesn’t mean her marriage is in problems or that the institution is in shambles. Far from it! It simply means such a woman lacks the moral value to honour her man and vows. And you will be doing yourself a great injustice to premise your happiness on the values of such a woman.
You may not have the challenge your friends have in their marriages. Yours may be a completely different kind of trials. There is no way you would know what life expects of you, if you don’t give it a chance to show you.
Your friends are only doing what women have secretly done through the ages to keep their home intact.
At 42, you are getting on in age. A time would come when you won’t be so attractive, when all your friends would be too preoccupied with their own families to have the extra time to spend chatting or exchanging visits with you. If you are the kind that keeps a large family, a time would come when they will all leave your nest to begin their own lives. This is when you need your own immediate family, your own children and husband to fill the gap for you.
There is also another stage when the children would leave and you would be alone with your partner. These are the stages of life. This is the real time when the real meaning of marriage becomes evident; when the reason God ordained marriage becomes unmistakable.
In addition to companionship, there are various emotional values attached to being married. Besides this aspect of marriage, many people gauge one’s level of responsibility by one’s marital status. A person, especially a man, who isn’t married won’t be considered for certain sensitive international positions.
Beyond the superficial reasons, the truth is that we all need someone in our lives to make us feel complete. A woman needs a man to reach her full emotional and social status just as a man must have a woman in his life to be complete.
Adulthood means complimenting someone else. This is why once we get to an age of acquiring companion, something in our mind triggers off that need. No matter how strong we are, we need companionship, friendship, cheer-leader, someone who understands us and willingly to make tremendous sacrifices for us. For a woman, we need that special man who when the world thinks we are all wrinkles, still sees the beauty in us. It is something we all need once we are getting on in age. Only marriage gives an old woman the confidence to feel happy and beautiful.
Rather than dismiss the idea of marriage, you must first consider why you have kept meeting with disappointments in your relationships. Definitely, the problem can’t be that of the marriage institution or the men coming to you for that matter. Rather, most of it would come from your own failure to identify what precisely you are looking for in life.
Like I said earlier, our pains often have roots in our helplessness to squarely face what our needs really are. At 42, you are already on reality zone. Your dreams and visions should have changed dramatically from what they were about a decade ago. If your desire has always tilted towards the physcial and financial status of the man, by now you should know that such things do not guarantee happiness in marriage. Marriage is more about what we have inside and not what we look like or have. There always comes a time in life when the body desires to have the intimacy of the opposite sex. Even if the other party isn’t in the mood, being married makes it a must for the other party to give in. It is one of the many benefits marriage offers.
Once you make the decision to change your focus, you will find out that marriage is an inevitable journey for us all as adults.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I caught my married sister kissing our father’s best friend
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. I have just finished my secondary school education so I decided to spend few weeks with my eldest sister who is married with three children. Her eldest child is in JSS 3. It was my first time of staying over in her house despite efforts her husband has made to ensure my siblings and I treated his home as ours. My mother always had one excuse or the other for turning down his request for us to come for holidays.
After a while, he stopped asking us to come over but never stayed away from us. Every month, he would send my parents money as well as the rest of us. He also encouraged us to call him whenever we needed anything urgently. As a matter of fact he behaved more like the son and child of the family than my eldest sister. Many not familiar with our family history thought he was actually my mother’s child and my sister, his wife.
For reasons I didn’t know until recently, my sister and our mother were always at logger heads. And since neither of them was willing to say anything on the matter, we all decided it was the usual thing between eldest daugthers and their mothers.
On the occassions my father tried talking to my sister and mother about their soured relationship; it always ended with my mother challenging my sister to tell the world the real reasons for their misunderstanding. My mother on such occassions would tell my sister she regretted having her as a child.
Like us, my father gave up trying to broker peace between his daughter and wife.
The third day after I came, she encouraged me to go to the market to get some clothes for myself and told me to take my time. In my excitement at having such a huge money to play with, I forget my purse at home. I was almost in the market when I discovered I didn’t bring along my wallet containing the major money I wanted to use for shopping. The only money I had, was the N2,000.00 I kept inside my bag; the reason I didn’t discover my oversight until I got to the market.
I tried calling my sister since her shop was closer to where I was than the house but, her phone was switched off so I decided to go home to get my wallet.
I don’t know why I decided against going home as I planned. On impulse, I got down at her shop’s bus-stop. Just as I was about crossing the road, I noticed a car packed some distance from her shop; the car belonged to my father’s best friend. I was excited so made a dash for the car without thinking. Although the car had tinted glass, I could make out the form of my sister and father’s best friend kissing at the back of the car.
They must have seen me because my sister pushed him away, opened the door and gave me the most severe slap I have ever received. There was nothing she didn’t say, including the bit about my mother sending me to spy on her.
My father’s friend didn’t bother to come down, instead, he drove away from the scene.
I am very confused because I can’t just leave without telling my sister’s husband or my siblings and parents why I came back home only few days after I left to spend the holidays at my sister’s.
Agatha, please help me. I can’t stay with my sister anymore but, what do I say as my reason for leaving? I have lost every respect for her as my sister. The other issue has to do with my father’s friend. The man is like a brother to my father and was the chairman at my sister’s wedding ceremony. I know my sister has always been close to him, but I didn’t know they were involved.
Do you think I should tell my parents before he destroys my sister’s marriage? But, my sister is threatening to deal with me if I tell anybody what I witnessed. I am so confused about everything because she is one of the most responsible people I know.
Ewaoluwa
Dear Ewaoluwa,
You don’t have to tell your sister’s husband your real reason for leaving so suddenly. Simply tell your brother-in-law you are home sick and would want to go back home. There is no doubting the fact that your sister would gladly support your leaving as soon as possible.
The danger of staying has to do with the current mood your sister is in. In her present state of mind, there is no telling what she is capable of doing to you. She may not mean to really harm you but would have committed the act in anger before realising the import of what she has done. In situation like this, it always best to avoid regrettable circumstances.
Obviously, what you witnessed didn’t begin today and may not end because you saw the two of them in that intimate position. Your sister’s as well as your father’s best friend reactions show that they have gone too deep to care who is watching. It could have been anybody who walked in on them kissing in public. Therefore, if this marriage is going to break, don’t let the blame come from you. From the way both of them are carrying on, it is a matter of time for the two most important persons directly affected by this relationship to catch them in the act. But before then, avoid the cross and burden of being named in this mess.
Chances are your mother already knows but because she is a mother, has decided to deal with it the only way she knows how. This could be the reason the two of them don’t agree at all. Your mother is also avoiding being named as the cause of her daughter’s matrimonial problems. Often than not, people get very sentimental when issues like this comes up. Rather than address the real issue, they are forever looking for scape- goat to blame for their actions. Should you blow the lid on your sister extra marital affair to her husband, you would be her scapegoat since she is already alluding to you acting as spy for your mother. She would always find a way of making you appear to be a tale bearer which wouldn’t augur well for you especially as this is your first time staying in her house.
She can easily tell the world, it is to avoid problems in her marriage that she has always discouraged her siblings from coming to her home.
This is not to say you are supporting her, far from it but wisdom demands that certain things are best left to those who have the authority and right to say it. As her younger sister, one far her junior, you are not in a position to handle this matter or say anything beyond informing your mother, whose duty and perogative it is to inform your father.
In telling your mother, make it clear to her that your telling her isn’t to cause more problems between the two of them but for her to have a serious talk with your sister.
Honestly, this isn’t the time to reprimand her. Instead, it is the time for you and your mother to come together to pray for her. Obviously, there is more to this issue that meets the eyes. For a married woman to think nothing of kissing another man in public so near her shop, a place she is well known and where her husband or his family members can come without notice, underscores a nagging spiritual problem that may have nothing to do with her directly but a lot to do with your father.
Tell your mother, getting angry with your elder sister isn’t a solution. She must take an action to protect her daughter from herself. If nothing is done by her, to ensure she puts a stop to this situation, the shame won’t be only that of your sister but, of the entire family.
Encourage her it is also time for your father to be involved. He is the only one who has the capacity to confront his friend and apply the needed force to put a stop to this romance between your sister and his friend.
On your part, go on your knees to pray for your sister. She needs help and immediately too before she loses the love, respect and support of her husband as well as children. The reason you chanced on them is for you to stand in gap. There are so many things in life beyond our understanding and the more we ask questions, the more confused we become. In the school of life, one plus one don’t often add up to two. Unless your mother makes the efforts to wrestle your sister from this power overshadowing her, you will all share in her shame.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. I have just finished my secondary school education so I decided to spend few weeks with my eldest sister who is married with three children. Her eldest child is in JSS 3. It was my first time of staying over in her house despite efforts her husband has made to ensure my siblings and I treated his home as ours. My mother always had one excuse or the other for turning down his request for us to come for holidays.
After a while, he stopped asking us to come over but never stayed away from us. Every month, he would send my parents money as well as the rest of us. He also encouraged us to call him whenever we needed anything urgently. As a matter of fact he behaved more like the son and child of the family than my eldest sister. Many not familiar with our family history thought he was actually my mother’s child and my sister, his wife.
For reasons I didn’t know until recently, my sister and our mother were always at logger heads. And since neither of them was willing to say anything on the matter, we all decided it was the usual thing between eldest daugthers and their mothers.
On the occassions my father tried talking to my sister and mother about their soured relationship; it always ended with my mother challenging my sister to tell the world the real reasons for their misunderstanding. My mother on such occassions would tell my sister she regretted having her as a child.
Like us, my father gave up trying to broker peace between his daughter and wife.
The third day after I came, she encouraged me to go to the market to get some clothes for myself and told me to take my time. In my excitement at having such a huge money to play with, I forget my purse at home. I was almost in the market when I discovered I didn’t bring along my wallet containing the major money I wanted to use for shopping. The only money I had, was the N2,000.00 I kept inside my bag; the reason I didn’t discover my oversight until I got to the market.
I tried calling my sister since her shop was closer to where I was than the house but, her phone was switched off so I decided to go home to get my wallet.
I don’t know why I decided against going home as I planned. On impulse, I got down at her shop’s bus-stop. Just as I was about crossing the road, I noticed a car packed some distance from her shop; the car belonged to my father’s best friend. I was excited so made a dash for the car without thinking. Although the car had tinted glass, I could make out the form of my sister and father’s best friend kissing at the back of the car.
They must have seen me because my sister pushed him away, opened the door and gave me the most severe slap I have ever received. There was nothing she didn’t say, including the bit about my mother sending me to spy on her.
My father’s friend didn’t bother to come down, instead, he drove away from the scene.
I am very confused because I can’t just leave without telling my sister’s husband or my siblings and parents why I came back home only few days after I left to spend the holidays at my sister’s.
Agatha, please help me. I can’t stay with my sister anymore but, what do I say as my reason for leaving? I have lost every respect for her as my sister. The other issue has to do with my father’s friend. The man is like a brother to my father and was the chairman at my sister’s wedding ceremony. I know my sister has always been close to him, but I didn’t know they were involved.
Do you think I should tell my parents before he destroys my sister’s marriage? But, my sister is threatening to deal with me if I tell anybody what I witnessed. I am so confused about everything because she is one of the most responsible people I know.
Ewaoluwa
Dear Ewaoluwa,
You don’t have to tell your sister’s husband your real reason for leaving so suddenly. Simply tell your brother-in-law you are home sick and would want to go back home. There is no doubting the fact that your sister would gladly support your leaving as soon as possible.
The danger of staying has to do with the current mood your sister is in. In her present state of mind, there is no telling what she is capable of doing to you. She may not mean to really harm you but would have committed the act in anger before realising the import of what she has done. In situation like this, it always best to avoid regrettable circumstances.
Obviously, what you witnessed didn’t begin today and may not end because you saw the two of them in that intimate position. Your sister’s as well as your father’s best friend reactions show that they have gone too deep to care who is watching. It could have been anybody who walked in on them kissing in public. Therefore, if this marriage is going to break, don’t let the blame come from you. From the way both of them are carrying on, it is a matter of time for the two most important persons directly affected by this relationship to catch them in the act. But before then, avoid the cross and burden of being named in this mess.
Chances are your mother already knows but because she is a mother, has decided to deal with it the only way she knows how. This could be the reason the two of them don’t agree at all. Your mother is also avoiding being named as the cause of her daughter’s matrimonial problems. Often than not, people get very sentimental when issues like this comes up. Rather than address the real issue, they are forever looking for scape- goat to blame for their actions. Should you blow the lid on your sister extra marital affair to her husband, you would be her scapegoat since she is already alluding to you acting as spy for your mother. She would always find a way of making you appear to be a tale bearer which wouldn’t augur well for you especially as this is your first time staying in her house.
She can easily tell the world, it is to avoid problems in her marriage that she has always discouraged her siblings from coming to her home.
This is not to say you are supporting her, far from it but wisdom demands that certain things are best left to those who have the authority and right to say it. As her younger sister, one far her junior, you are not in a position to handle this matter or say anything beyond informing your mother, whose duty and perogative it is to inform your father.
In telling your mother, make it clear to her that your telling her isn’t to cause more problems between the two of them but for her to have a serious talk with your sister.
Honestly, this isn’t the time to reprimand her. Instead, it is the time for you and your mother to come together to pray for her. Obviously, there is more to this issue that meets the eyes. For a married woman to think nothing of kissing another man in public so near her shop, a place she is well known and where her husband or his family members can come without notice, underscores a nagging spiritual problem that may have nothing to do with her directly but a lot to do with your father.
Tell your mother, getting angry with your elder sister isn’t a solution. She must take an action to protect her daughter from herself. If nothing is done by her, to ensure she puts a stop to this situation, the shame won’t be only that of your sister but, of the entire family.
Encourage her it is also time for your father to be involved. He is the only one who has the capacity to confront his friend and apply the needed force to put a stop to this romance between your sister and his friend.
On your part, go on your knees to pray for your sister. She needs help and immediately too before she loses the love, respect and support of her husband as well as children. The reason you chanced on them is for you to stand in gap. There are so many things in life beyond our understanding and the more we ask questions, the more confused we become. In the school of life, one plus one don’t often add up to two. Unless your mother makes the efforts to wrestle your sister from this power overshadowing her, you will all share in her shame.
Good luck.
How highflying job ruined my home…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Until I began to read you three years ago, I held the view that columns like yours were a sheer waste of newspapers’ space. But I have since come to realise through your efforts that people like you are not just doing great jobs, but that you are very gifted in what you are doing.
I know this problem may sound strange but I am really worried and afraid of its consequences on my home and life. What more, I feel I am responsible for it.
You see I married my wife a virgin 16 years ago. I married her a very timid and respectful woman. She trained as a teacher but from the very beginning of our marriage I made it clear I wanted a full time housewife.
From that time, she has remained at home tending to the children and me. I opened a shop near the house for her when she complained she was getting too bored doing nothing.
I really didn’t need the money from her because the salary I made as a top bank executive was more than enough for us to live in comfort.
Although my job was very demanding, I sometimes come home very late when the whole household was asleep. I naively thought she understood me very well.
Once or twice she I made attempt to protest my constant absence from home, but I always shoved aside such complaints. I reasoned she had no need to grumble because every year, she and the boys always visit any country of their choice. We have three children, all boys. The eldest is 15 while the youngest is nine.
I have never denied her anything within my powers to give. We have also never had any fundamental issue in our marriage. She does as I tell her. I was very much in charge of my home. At least, so I thought.
To make matters worse, I didn’t even perceive any change in her person or attitude until one afternoon on my way to an emergency meeting in Abuja, I came home to get some few clothes for the trip.
You can imagine my shock when I walked in on my wife and her lover. Right in my living room, he was kissing her. Needless to say, I couldn’t go for the meeting. I had to call on my deputy to go in my place. If I expected her to be remorseful, I was wrong. She told me it was over. That she was tired of playing second fiddle to my work. She told me that all the years we have been married, I have never treated her as a person. That the only time I know she is a woman is when I want to sleep with her. She told me to go and marry my work.
That night she didn’t bother to sleep at home. Fortunately, the kids were in boarding school, so I didn’t have to explain the whereabouts of their mother to anybody.
For two weeks, work was the last thing on my mind. It was the longest time I had been away from my desk without being on official duty.
When news of what happened in my home got to our families, my immediate younger sister and only sibling blamed me for neglect. She told me how many times she had come to my house and found my wife weeping and complaining about my attitude towards her. She took time to remind me of how she had tried to draw my attention to what I was doing to my marriage and self but that I didn’t listen.
My children also took side with their mother. As a matter of fact, my eldest son told me I wasn’t much of a father to any of them. He said, I should marry my job and money and leave their mother alone to be happy.
It has been six months without her and my children. It may sound strange but I have come to realise that certain things are more important in life than money, but I don’t know how to get her to even listen to me. I am a lonely man who needs his family back.
Agatha, please help me. I have forgiven her because I found out from my sister, that the date with the man I caught her with was her first and that they havent slept together. Through the efforts of my sister, she dropped the idea of filing for divorce. If there is one thing with her, she doesn’t lie.
I don’t know what to do to bring my sons and wife back. Please help me.
Zeb
Dear Zeb,
Go to her and your sons. We are all prone to making mistakes as we journey through life. The important thing about falling is our ability to rise again. Both of you have made mistakes and since you as the head of the home has come to that important place of realisation, that point when we take stock and know that we are responsible for the reactions of others around us, then solution is at hand.
Since your wife is close to your sister, get her to fix a meeting between the two of you. Even though you are willing to forgive and forget the past, there is the need for both of you to talk first. You have to know the deepness of her pains, disappointments, resentment, shame and determination to know how to approach the issue.
Don’t assume that simply because you have realised your mistakes, willing to forgive her and move your marriage on that she is keen on coming back to you.
Both of you must appreciate that for your marriage to survive its injury you must go back to the very beginning. You both need something vital and interesting from the past to navigate the future. Without the memory of your early days, even you may get to a point of regrets later down the road. Just like she has to answer the vital question of whether you are enough for her, you must answer the question of whether you will be able to delete from your memory the sight of her in another man’s arms.
Will you ever be able to trust her; beat your chest that she is with you all the way? I ask these questions not to discourage you but to make sure that you have really put this nasty experience behind you. The tragedy of asking her to come back while you are still holding her to her mistake would be too much for you, your children and marriage to bear. This is why you must exorcise completely the damage that incident did to your psychology as a man.
It is also important you get to hear from her what she intends to do with that relationship. Though it sounds out of place to discuss your wife’s other relationship with her but given the reality on ground, it is important you also get to hear from her and know where you actually stand with her. It would be dangerous for you all now to assume that she still want the same thing as you do.
Bear in mind she has suffered emotionally longer than you have done and has had more time to think of her options. It may not be easy changing her mind in a day. This is where you have to draw into the hertiage of your past. If she is right that you have never had time for her due to your work schedule, how do you plan to resolve that problem? How are you going to make out time for her now when you have never seemed to be able to do that? This is one question you must have a ready answer for before meeting her. Frankly, this is the crux of all these problems you are having in this marriage. You have to go to her with a solid arrangement to convince her that you are also willing to make the necessary sacrifice for the marriage.
One thing you must never overlook is this, a woman that has made up her mind to leave her home for another man must have given a lot of thoughts to the consequences. And for your children who are boys and your only sibling to go with her shows that she does have a point. She may be condemned for her decision but you pushed her into it.
The fact that you could delegate when you walked in on her and the other man, stayed at home for sometime after she left shows that all along you were simply using the job as an excuse to stay away from the home. It may not have been your intentions in the beginning, but over the years it actually became one for you to escape staying at home. Do you know the reason you have been running away from your home and family all these years? The knowledge is integral to the successful resolution of this issue between your family and you.
Even if you have made up your mind to leave the job, to have more time with them, you must be honest to admit why you have all these years deliberately neglected your family. Such admission would be of assistance to your wife in knowing where to pay more attention to in her appearance, home or relationship with you. It would also explain a lot of things, which until now have been a source of concern to her, like you having affairs outside the home. You will have to explain so many things to her and later to the children too.
The bottom line is that you must be ready to make extreme sacrifices while seeking this peace.
Above all, appeal to God who has all our hearts in the palms of his hands to intervene in this matter.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Until I began to read you three years ago, I held the view that columns like yours were a sheer waste of newspapers’ space. But I have since come to realise through your efforts that people like you are not just doing great jobs, but that you are very gifted in what you are doing.
I know this problem may sound strange but I am really worried and afraid of its consequences on my home and life. What more, I feel I am responsible for it.
You see I married my wife a virgin 16 years ago. I married her a very timid and respectful woman. She trained as a teacher but from the very beginning of our marriage I made it clear I wanted a full time housewife.
From that time, she has remained at home tending to the children and me. I opened a shop near the house for her when she complained she was getting too bored doing nothing.
I really didn’t need the money from her because the salary I made as a top bank executive was more than enough for us to live in comfort.
Although my job was very demanding, I sometimes come home very late when the whole household was asleep. I naively thought she understood me very well.
Once or twice she I made attempt to protest my constant absence from home, but I always shoved aside such complaints. I reasoned she had no need to grumble because every year, she and the boys always visit any country of their choice. We have three children, all boys. The eldest is 15 while the youngest is nine.
I have never denied her anything within my powers to give. We have also never had any fundamental issue in our marriage. She does as I tell her. I was very much in charge of my home. At least, so I thought.
To make matters worse, I didn’t even perceive any change in her person or attitude until one afternoon on my way to an emergency meeting in Abuja, I came home to get some few clothes for the trip.
You can imagine my shock when I walked in on my wife and her lover. Right in my living room, he was kissing her. Needless to say, I couldn’t go for the meeting. I had to call on my deputy to go in my place. If I expected her to be remorseful, I was wrong. She told me it was over. That she was tired of playing second fiddle to my work. She told me that all the years we have been married, I have never treated her as a person. That the only time I know she is a woman is when I want to sleep with her. She told me to go and marry my work.
That night she didn’t bother to sleep at home. Fortunately, the kids were in boarding school, so I didn’t have to explain the whereabouts of their mother to anybody.
For two weeks, work was the last thing on my mind. It was the longest time I had been away from my desk without being on official duty.
When news of what happened in my home got to our families, my immediate younger sister and only sibling blamed me for neglect. She told me how many times she had come to my house and found my wife weeping and complaining about my attitude towards her. She took time to remind me of how she had tried to draw my attention to what I was doing to my marriage and self but that I didn’t listen.
My children also took side with their mother. As a matter of fact, my eldest son told me I wasn’t much of a father to any of them. He said, I should marry my job and money and leave their mother alone to be happy.
It has been six months without her and my children. It may sound strange but I have come to realise that certain things are more important in life than money, but I don’t know how to get her to even listen to me. I am a lonely man who needs his family back.
Agatha, please help me. I have forgiven her because I found out from my sister, that the date with the man I caught her with was her first and that they havent slept together. Through the efforts of my sister, she dropped the idea of filing for divorce. If there is one thing with her, she doesn’t lie.
I don’t know what to do to bring my sons and wife back. Please help me.
Zeb
Dear Zeb,
Go to her and your sons. We are all prone to making mistakes as we journey through life. The important thing about falling is our ability to rise again. Both of you have made mistakes and since you as the head of the home has come to that important place of realisation, that point when we take stock and know that we are responsible for the reactions of others around us, then solution is at hand.
Since your wife is close to your sister, get her to fix a meeting between the two of you. Even though you are willing to forgive and forget the past, there is the need for both of you to talk first. You have to know the deepness of her pains, disappointments, resentment, shame and determination to know how to approach the issue.
Don’t assume that simply because you have realised your mistakes, willing to forgive her and move your marriage on that she is keen on coming back to you.
Both of you must appreciate that for your marriage to survive its injury you must go back to the very beginning. You both need something vital and interesting from the past to navigate the future. Without the memory of your early days, even you may get to a point of regrets later down the road. Just like she has to answer the vital question of whether you are enough for her, you must answer the question of whether you will be able to delete from your memory the sight of her in another man’s arms.
Will you ever be able to trust her; beat your chest that she is with you all the way? I ask these questions not to discourage you but to make sure that you have really put this nasty experience behind you. The tragedy of asking her to come back while you are still holding her to her mistake would be too much for you, your children and marriage to bear. This is why you must exorcise completely the damage that incident did to your psychology as a man.
It is also important you get to hear from her what she intends to do with that relationship. Though it sounds out of place to discuss your wife’s other relationship with her but given the reality on ground, it is important you also get to hear from her and know where you actually stand with her. It would be dangerous for you all now to assume that she still want the same thing as you do.
Bear in mind she has suffered emotionally longer than you have done and has had more time to think of her options. It may not be easy changing her mind in a day. This is where you have to draw into the hertiage of your past. If she is right that you have never had time for her due to your work schedule, how do you plan to resolve that problem? How are you going to make out time for her now when you have never seemed to be able to do that? This is one question you must have a ready answer for before meeting her. Frankly, this is the crux of all these problems you are having in this marriage. You have to go to her with a solid arrangement to convince her that you are also willing to make the necessary sacrifice for the marriage.
One thing you must never overlook is this, a woman that has made up her mind to leave her home for another man must have given a lot of thoughts to the consequences. And for your children who are boys and your only sibling to go with her shows that she does have a point. She may be condemned for her decision but you pushed her into it.
The fact that you could delegate when you walked in on her and the other man, stayed at home for sometime after she left shows that all along you were simply using the job as an excuse to stay away from the home. It may not have been your intentions in the beginning, but over the years it actually became one for you to escape staying at home. Do you know the reason you have been running away from your home and family all these years? The knowledge is integral to the successful resolution of this issue between your family and you.
Even if you have made up your mind to leave the job, to have more time with them, you must be honest to admit why you have all these years deliberately neglected your family. Such admission would be of assistance to your wife in knowing where to pay more attention to in her appearance, home or relationship with you. It would also explain a lot of things, which until now have been a source of concern to her, like you having affairs outside the home. You will have to explain so many things to her and later to the children too.
The bottom line is that you must be ready to make extreme sacrifices while seeking this peace.
Above all, appeal to God who has all our hearts in the palms of his hands to intervene in this matter.
Good luck.
Trusting him could be very dangerous…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
We have been in a relationship for about two years now, and have actually discussed marriage. Along the line, he informed me he was under pressure from his family to have a child. He said his mother is worried that at his age, he is yet to have a child. He is about 40, while I am 37.
I found it curious that his mother and sisters whom I have spoken with on phone did not pressurise him to make the formal move to marry me, but to have a child! He passed the pressure to me to get pregnant, as a condition for marrying me, after he must have confirmed that the pregnancy is his, which presupposes I haven’t been faithful to him.
As if that wasn’t enough, I also discovered he has said some very damaging, derogatory and unprintable things he has been saying about my daughter and I to someone I housed for more than two months. This made my guest to view my daughter and I as being morally bankrupt. Not only that, he also confided in this person his plan to relocate from Lagos where we both live back to our state. We are from the same state.
All the while, he made me believe he was planning to secure a better accommodation to enable my daughter and I move in with him after our marriage. Painfully, he would come and sit in my house to discuss my daughter and I in low tone with my guest without my knowledge. My source said the guest in question refused to tell him all that my supposed fiance said about me, which means I may never know the extent to which he has soiled my name.
I felt betrayed and hurt by the discovery that I meant nothing to a man who professed love to me. I never knew he would be so callous as to reveal my innermost secrets to a complete stranger, and also the shocking discovery that he had all along been lying to me about his real plans. He had nothing to say when I confronted him. I called off the affair. Now he is begging me to take him back, with the rather lame explanation that he said those things out of anger because he had information from the same person that I was unfaithful to him, which is not true. He has also not denied that he was making plans to relocate home without my knowledge. Is this somebody I can trust?
RSE.
Dear RSE,
There is a drought of trust in your relationship. Frankly, your relationship as it stands today has no substance to make it succeed beyond its current level. Your seemingly act of desperation to marry irrespective of whether the man is right for you as well as his lack of trust in your person are factors militating against the growth of your relationship. It would take more than mere promises on both of your parts to make it work. It would take honesty and determination to get this relationship back on track.
That he could reveal everything you told him about your past to your guest underlines the presence of a major flaw in your relationship before now. The truth is that in your bid to marry at all cost, you elected to ignore certain signs in his person and character. You have in the last 24 months build a dream on your own needs rather than on the viability of the relationship you are in.
Whatever the pains his obvious betrayal of your trust has caused you, time is now for you to really re-evaluate what this relationship is all about. And the first place to start is how much you know of the man you are so desperate to marry. On a scale of one to ten, how would you score your knowledge of him? Given what has happened, how much trust can you invest in him and the relationship?
Granted, he has come back to beg you but, is that enough assurance considering the damage he has done to you and your daughter? Deep down do you think you can ever bank on him to entrust certain secrets in his care in future? This is one area you should look and really consider before giving him your final answer. Can you tell how he would react to information about you from another person? Even if the information he got about you from your guest is true, there are better ways of handling such matters than sitting your guest down and passing all the information he has about you to the person.
A matured man would have confronted you with the information not engage in character assassination. The fact that he did this should make you very careful how you proceed with him. Marriage isnt just a today thing, it is a forever journey. Respect and loyalty are essential ingredients in the making of a successful union. You may succeed in getting him to walk you down the aisle, but how sure are you of getting him to stay faithful to you? Faithfulness isn’t just about him not having affairs with other women, but also in helping to preserve your dignity as the woman in his life. Even if your guest wanted to gossip about you, his willingness to also gossip about you encouraged your guest to say more.
Had he rebuffed your guest, there was no way information about your past would have been forced out of him by your guest. Honestly, this should be your real worry about coming back to him.
While you reserve the right to your decision, be sure you have what it takes to overcome the backlash. Certain things must be gotten right from the beginning of a relationship to prevent greater problems in future. If at this stage he is already giving you conditions for marriage, what do you think would happen when things don’t go as you plan? What promises does this relationship hold for you beyond your desire to be married? If you desire a happy married life, these are very important areas in your relationship you must have the boldness to discuss with him.
If he is unable to broach the matter, take the bulls by the horn by insisting on discussing them. Now that he is coming to plead with you to come back is your best time to put the relationship on the right footing. You must be resolute in finding out from him what he has against you and your daughter. Including your daughter in his tales to your friend is something you must not gloss over.
It shows a certain level of resentment against your daughter. It is important you know what his antipathy against your daughter is. It also points to the need for you and him to discuss the issue of your daughter clearly. Don’t assume he is comfortable with her coming to stay with both of you. This would inform how you proceed with him or the kind of arrangment you make for your daughter. You must know if his seemingly dislike for you has to do with the fact that you already have a child. It pays not to take things for granted. Ask him what his challenges are with you and the relationship. This step will help you get a clear picture as well as understanding into his person.
To get it right, you also need to take an introspective look at your person. Have you, at anytime, given the wrong impression about yourself to others around you? Though, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but sometimes we unwittingly give others reasons to gossip about us through the kind of lifestyle we adopt. It may no longer work for this relationship but will help guide you against similar mistake in the future.
The fact that your guest also had one or two things to say about you presents you not just as a poor judge of human character but a woman who has to be careful of the kinds of people she surrounds herself with.
Like I earlier said, the ultimate choice is yours but learn to be honest with yourself at this crucial point in your life. Rely more on the wisdom of God who sees the end from the beginning because what we think is what we want may end up being the opposite of what God desires for us.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
We have been in a relationship for about two years now, and have actually discussed marriage. Along the line, he informed me he was under pressure from his family to have a child. He said his mother is worried that at his age, he is yet to have a child. He is about 40, while I am 37.
I found it curious that his mother and sisters whom I have spoken with on phone did not pressurise him to make the formal move to marry me, but to have a child! He passed the pressure to me to get pregnant, as a condition for marrying me, after he must have confirmed that the pregnancy is his, which presupposes I haven’t been faithful to him.
As if that wasn’t enough, I also discovered he has said some very damaging, derogatory and unprintable things he has been saying about my daughter and I to someone I housed for more than two months. This made my guest to view my daughter and I as being morally bankrupt. Not only that, he also confided in this person his plan to relocate from Lagos where we both live back to our state. We are from the same state.
All the while, he made me believe he was planning to secure a better accommodation to enable my daughter and I move in with him after our marriage. Painfully, he would come and sit in my house to discuss my daughter and I in low tone with my guest without my knowledge. My source said the guest in question refused to tell him all that my supposed fiance said about me, which means I may never know the extent to which he has soiled my name.
I felt betrayed and hurt by the discovery that I meant nothing to a man who professed love to me. I never knew he would be so callous as to reveal my innermost secrets to a complete stranger, and also the shocking discovery that he had all along been lying to me about his real plans. He had nothing to say when I confronted him. I called off the affair. Now he is begging me to take him back, with the rather lame explanation that he said those things out of anger because he had information from the same person that I was unfaithful to him, which is not true. He has also not denied that he was making plans to relocate home without my knowledge. Is this somebody I can trust?
RSE.
Dear RSE,
There is a drought of trust in your relationship. Frankly, your relationship as it stands today has no substance to make it succeed beyond its current level. Your seemingly act of desperation to marry irrespective of whether the man is right for you as well as his lack of trust in your person are factors militating against the growth of your relationship. It would take more than mere promises on both of your parts to make it work. It would take honesty and determination to get this relationship back on track.
That he could reveal everything you told him about your past to your guest underlines the presence of a major flaw in your relationship before now. The truth is that in your bid to marry at all cost, you elected to ignore certain signs in his person and character. You have in the last 24 months build a dream on your own needs rather than on the viability of the relationship you are in.
Whatever the pains his obvious betrayal of your trust has caused you, time is now for you to really re-evaluate what this relationship is all about. And the first place to start is how much you know of the man you are so desperate to marry. On a scale of one to ten, how would you score your knowledge of him? Given what has happened, how much trust can you invest in him and the relationship?
Granted, he has come back to beg you but, is that enough assurance considering the damage he has done to you and your daughter? Deep down do you think you can ever bank on him to entrust certain secrets in his care in future? This is one area you should look and really consider before giving him your final answer. Can you tell how he would react to information about you from another person? Even if the information he got about you from your guest is true, there are better ways of handling such matters than sitting your guest down and passing all the information he has about you to the person.
A matured man would have confronted you with the information not engage in character assassination. The fact that he did this should make you very careful how you proceed with him. Marriage isnt just a today thing, it is a forever journey. Respect and loyalty are essential ingredients in the making of a successful union. You may succeed in getting him to walk you down the aisle, but how sure are you of getting him to stay faithful to you? Faithfulness isn’t just about him not having affairs with other women, but also in helping to preserve your dignity as the woman in his life. Even if your guest wanted to gossip about you, his willingness to also gossip about you encouraged your guest to say more.
Had he rebuffed your guest, there was no way information about your past would have been forced out of him by your guest. Honestly, this should be your real worry about coming back to him.
While you reserve the right to your decision, be sure you have what it takes to overcome the backlash. Certain things must be gotten right from the beginning of a relationship to prevent greater problems in future. If at this stage he is already giving you conditions for marriage, what do you think would happen when things don’t go as you plan? What promises does this relationship hold for you beyond your desire to be married? If you desire a happy married life, these are very important areas in your relationship you must have the boldness to discuss with him.
If he is unable to broach the matter, take the bulls by the horn by insisting on discussing them. Now that he is coming to plead with you to come back is your best time to put the relationship on the right footing. You must be resolute in finding out from him what he has against you and your daughter. Including your daughter in his tales to your friend is something you must not gloss over.
It shows a certain level of resentment against your daughter. It is important you know what his antipathy against your daughter is. It also points to the need for you and him to discuss the issue of your daughter clearly. Don’t assume he is comfortable with her coming to stay with both of you. This would inform how you proceed with him or the kind of arrangment you make for your daughter. You must know if his seemingly dislike for you has to do with the fact that you already have a child. It pays not to take things for granted. Ask him what his challenges are with you and the relationship. This step will help you get a clear picture as well as understanding into his person.
To get it right, you also need to take an introspective look at your person. Have you, at anytime, given the wrong impression about yourself to others around you? Though, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but sometimes we unwittingly give others reasons to gossip about us through the kind of lifestyle we adopt. It may no longer work for this relationship but will help guide you against similar mistake in the future.
The fact that your guest also had one or two things to say about you presents you not just as a poor judge of human character but a woman who has to be careful of the kinds of people she surrounds herself with.
Like I earlier said, the ultimate choice is yours but learn to be honest with yourself at this crucial point in your life. Rely more on the wisdom of God who sees the end from the beginning because what we think is what we want may end up being the opposite of what God desires for us.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Odd start in life dims my self-esteem…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a very low self-esteem despite my educational qualification. I am a graduate of Mass Communication.
From an early age, my sisters and I were given the impression by our parents that we were worth nothing; that only their male children were the real children.
While we the female children were sent to public schools, the male children who are far younger were sent to good schools with boarding facilities. We grew up with the impression of being second hand citizens.
We were forbidden to have friends, both males and females. Our routine was house to school or church and then back to the house. We were not even allowed to visit relations.
Apart from this, we were often forced by beatings to admit to something we never did. So, whenever any issue comes up and our parents accuse us, we simply admit to doing it because whether we did it or not, we would still be punished, to the extent of having injuries. Even as an adult today, the scares of those injuries are still very visible on my body.
Throughout my university days, I could not make any friend, even though
I would have loved to have a good and reliable one. So often times, I was labelled a very proud and arrogant girl. No matter how hard I tried, I could not mingle.
Now, I am out of the university and working. I find it difficult relating with people the way I should. Because of this, some people think I am arrogant while others say I am aggressive. But I know the truth of it all is that I am being hunted by a very high degree of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
I cannot look at any body straight in the eyes. I feel very shy, even though I am not an introvert, yet I am not humorous. I don’t know how to make people around me warm and laugh.
My boss had told me to be more amiable and friendly but no matter how hard I tried, it always seemed faked.
Besides this, I am a very fearful person. Any little thing scares me, makes me shiver and keeps me off balance. My boss and every other person at my office have noticed this weakness in me. Often times, I see myself as an underdog, I allow people to cheat me and go away unable to fight for my right.
Generally, I am very boring. I also think I am not very wise, smart and intelligent even though I am very beautiful.
Please I need your help, teach me to be a good and wholesome lady to everyone around me and even to my very self.
Ayo.
Dear Ayo,
There is no help anybody can render if you refuse to help yourself. If you continue to put yourself down, it is only expected that people would follow your example. You are what you say are. If you say you are worthless, unintelligent, dull and uninteresting, people will hook on to the signals you are transmitting to place you.
Deep down do you think, given the type of parents you have they would have wasted their resources on you if you weren’t intelligent or didn’t give them sufficient reasons to know they weren’t wasting their money on an unproductive investment? And do you think your boss would have kept you if he weren’t gaining anything from employing you? That he is only concerned about your disposition shows he is very satisfied with the quality of your job.
What happened has happened. The only way to change a bad past is with determined success. You must do everything within you to refocus your life from the path of hatred, low self-esteem to happiness for your sake as well as for the sake of your future children.
You must resolve to do things differently and successfully too by shunning everything that brings back those painful memories of yesteryears.
It is the only way to show your parents that they were wrong and unjust in the way they responded and treated you and your sisters as well as make them remorseful for all the things they did to you all.
What you are battling with is no longer the attitude of your parents but the memories of all the things they did to you. Your parents you can cope with by either avoiding them completely or challenging them with your success and forcing them to apologise to you and your sisters.
But you cannot confront your memories without a determination not to allow it affect the way you respond to things around you now that you are an adult. Memories are very powerful and potent so much so it can ruin success if not well managed.
The only way you can challenge these painful reminders of your past is remembering the good side of these people. Yes, the pains may be more but at least they didn’t stop you girls from acquiring an education. That you are today a graduate is a testimony of their acknowledgment of your rights as a human being. Many female children of parents like yours were never given a chance to go to school. Many of them became premature mothers even before they left their diaper years.
Be grateful that you didn’t have to struggle to get an education on your own or wife to a man you don’t love as well as mother to children you aren’t emotionally prepared or matured enough to nurture. Had any of these happened, your story could have been worse? So be grateful that your parents despite their way of thinking still saw the need to send you to school.
Perhaps if you look at their attitude from another angle, the memory of your time with them might change a little with better understanding of why they did certain things.
Their willingness to sponsor your education to the university level, even if you attended public schools, shows they were not totally indisposed to your welfare as a woman. Only a set of parents with sound educational value would sponsor their girls to school. Therefore their attitude could have been informed by other factors they were not prepared to disclose to you and your sisters.
One possibility is fear. The girl child is very delicate and the nightmare of many parents, who never cease to worry about the unexpected happening. Although, it is something they never admit to, the fear of a girl child being sexually abused or getting pregnant before her time is never far from the mind of a parent. From the beginning of creation, parents have had the challenge of how best to control and manipulate the hormonal influence on the girl child. This has led to parents and the society taking many measures, some very dehumanising, like circumcision to put the girl child under control.
Your parents may have adopted harshness and an uncaring attitude to put your sisters and you in check, a sort of measure to ensure you don’t get derailed. They used the weapon of fear to instill discipline. It is their way of ensuring you have a solid moral ground. It is the only way they know.
You may not have found it funny but if you look at your experience as the desperation of a set to ensure their girls don’t go astray, your memories won’t hurt so much.
You need to feed your mind with something positive to neutralise whatever pains your past has imprinted on your mind.
In a way, you may never completely get over the memories but giving yourself the opportunity to trust in those around you would go a long way in helping your come to terms with your past as well as the peace to be happy with who you are, those around you and your choices.
Your parents were too hampered by their own fears to trust their daughters hence their attitude. To overcome, you must learn to trust. With trust comes faith and with it come friendship and an understanding to do the impossible.
You don’t have become a social butterfly to be friendly but offering understanding and a smile could change the way a lot of people regard you. With it also comes the confidence to do the impossible.
Importantly, use whatever disadvantage of your past to build a new focus of strength for yourself. A lot of people have turned experiences like yours to their strength. God never allows anything to happen without a reason.
You are now an adult, no longer a child, hence cannot continue to blame your parents for your own decisions. You no longer have an excuse to blame your past because you are now responsible for your choices as well as the future. Very soon people around would get tired of you using your past as an excuse for your failure to do certain things. Then it wouldn’t be your parents’ problem but yours.
At this stage in your life, nobody can put you down if you don’t allow anyone to. Nobody has the right to make your decisions for you if you don’t give them the right to. You are past the age of permission and have everything in you to effect changes in your life in the areas you don’t like. You don’t have to fight to have your rights restored. By simply and politely insisting on your rights and decisions would warn people against taking liberties with you.
Yes, your parents made a lousy job of parenting you. Since then, what have you done beyond blaming your parents for your woes, to give your life the colours it deserves to be happy?
Getting rid of your fears begins with believing in yourself and your abilities as a person. You are afraid because you have failed to identify what you are good at. Recognising it would give you the confidence to terminate fear in your life.
Asking God for His reasons as well as His desires would provide you with new dreams that might help secure the understanding of parents for their female children.
Our experiences in life are always meant to build us as well as help the society become better.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a very low self-esteem despite my educational qualification. I am a graduate of Mass Communication.
From an early age, my sisters and I were given the impression by our parents that we were worth nothing; that only their male children were the real children.
While we the female children were sent to public schools, the male children who are far younger were sent to good schools with boarding facilities. We grew up with the impression of being second hand citizens.
We were forbidden to have friends, both males and females. Our routine was house to school or church and then back to the house. We were not even allowed to visit relations.
Apart from this, we were often forced by beatings to admit to something we never did. So, whenever any issue comes up and our parents accuse us, we simply admit to doing it because whether we did it or not, we would still be punished, to the extent of having injuries. Even as an adult today, the scares of those injuries are still very visible on my body.
Throughout my university days, I could not make any friend, even though
I would have loved to have a good and reliable one. So often times, I was labelled a very proud and arrogant girl. No matter how hard I tried, I could not mingle.
Now, I am out of the university and working. I find it difficult relating with people the way I should. Because of this, some people think I am arrogant while others say I am aggressive. But I know the truth of it all is that I am being hunted by a very high degree of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
I cannot look at any body straight in the eyes. I feel very shy, even though I am not an introvert, yet I am not humorous. I don’t know how to make people around me warm and laugh.
My boss had told me to be more amiable and friendly but no matter how hard I tried, it always seemed faked.
Besides this, I am a very fearful person. Any little thing scares me, makes me shiver and keeps me off balance. My boss and every other person at my office have noticed this weakness in me. Often times, I see myself as an underdog, I allow people to cheat me and go away unable to fight for my right.
Generally, I am very boring. I also think I am not very wise, smart and intelligent even though I am very beautiful.
Please I need your help, teach me to be a good and wholesome lady to everyone around me and even to my very self.
Ayo.
Dear Ayo,
There is no help anybody can render if you refuse to help yourself. If you continue to put yourself down, it is only expected that people would follow your example. You are what you say are. If you say you are worthless, unintelligent, dull and uninteresting, people will hook on to the signals you are transmitting to place you.
Deep down do you think, given the type of parents you have they would have wasted their resources on you if you weren’t intelligent or didn’t give them sufficient reasons to know they weren’t wasting their money on an unproductive investment? And do you think your boss would have kept you if he weren’t gaining anything from employing you? That he is only concerned about your disposition shows he is very satisfied with the quality of your job.
What happened has happened. The only way to change a bad past is with determined success. You must do everything within you to refocus your life from the path of hatred, low self-esteem to happiness for your sake as well as for the sake of your future children.
You must resolve to do things differently and successfully too by shunning everything that brings back those painful memories of yesteryears.
It is the only way to show your parents that they were wrong and unjust in the way they responded and treated you and your sisters as well as make them remorseful for all the things they did to you all.
What you are battling with is no longer the attitude of your parents but the memories of all the things they did to you. Your parents you can cope with by either avoiding them completely or challenging them with your success and forcing them to apologise to you and your sisters.
But you cannot confront your memories without a determination not to allow it affect the way you respond to things around you now that you are an adult. Memories are very powerful and potent so much so it can ruin success if not well managed.
The only way you can challenge these painful reminders of your past is remembering the good side of these people. Yes, the pains may be more but at least they didn’t stop you girls from acquiring an education. That you are today a graduate is a testimony of their acknowledgment of your rights as a human being. Many female children of parents like yours were never given a chance to go to school. Many of them became premature mothers even before they left their diaper years.
Be grateful that you didn’t have to struggle to get an education on your own or wife to a man you don’t love as well as mother to children you aren’t emotionally prepared or matured enough to nurture. Had any of these happened, your story could have been worse? So be grateful that your parents despite their way of thinking still saw the need to send you to school.
Perhaps if you look at their attitude from another angle, the memory of your time with them might change a little with better understanding of why they did certain things.
Their willingness to sponsor your education to the university level, even if you attended public schools, shows they were not totally indisposed to your welfare as a woman. Only a set of parents with sound educational value would sponsor their girls to school. Therefore their attitude could have been informed by other factors they were not prepared to disclose to you and your sisters.
One possibility is fear. The girl child is very delicate and the nightmare of many parents, who never cease to worry about the unexpected happening. Although, it is something they never admit to, the fear of a girl child being sexually abused or getting pregnant before her time is never far from the mind of a parent. From the beginning of creation, parents have had the challenge of how best to control and manipulate the hormonal influence on the girl child. This has led to parents and the society taking many measures, some very dehumanising, like circumcision to put the girl child under control.
Your parents may have adopted harshness and an uncaring attitude to put your sisters and you in check, a sort of measure to ensure you don’t get derailed. They used the weapon of fear to instill discipline. It is their way of ensuring you have a solid moral ground. It is the only way they know.
You may not have found it funny but if you look at your experience as the desperation of a set to ensure their girls don’t go astray, your memories won’t hurt so much.
You need to feed your mind with something positive to neutralise whatever pains your past has imprinted on your mind.
In a way, you may never completely get over the memories but giving yourself the opportunity to trust in those around you would go a long way in helping your come to terms with your past as well as the peace to be happy with who you are, those around you and your choices.
Your parents were too hampered by their own fears to trust their daughters hence their attitude. To overcome, you must learn to trust. With trust comes faith and with it come friendship and an understanding to do the impossible.
You don’t have become a social butterfly to be friendly but offering understanding and a smile could change the way a lot of people regard you. With it also comes the confidence to do the impossible.
Importantly, use whatever disadvantage of your past to build a new focus of strength for yourself. A lot of people have turned experiences like yours to their strength. God never allows anything to happen without a reason.
You are now an adult, no longer a child, hence cannot continue to blame your parents for your own decisions. You no longer have an excuse to blame your past because you are now responsible for your choices as well as the future. Very soon people around would get tired of you using your past as an excuse for your failure to do certain things. Then it wouldn’t be your parents’ problem but yours.
At this stage in your life, nobody can put you down if you don’t allow anyone to. Nobody has the right to make your decisions for you if you don’t give them the right to. You are past the age of permission and have everything in you to effect changes in your life in the areas you don’t like. You don’t have to fight to have your rights restored. By simply and politely insisting on your rights and decisions would warn people against taking liberties with you.
Yes, your parents made a lousy job of parenting you. Since then, what have you done beyond blaming your parents for your woes, to give your life the colours it deserves to be happy?
Getting rid of your fears begins with believing in yourself and your abilities as a person. You are afraid because you have failed to identify what you are good at. Recognising it would give you the confidence to terminate fear in your life.
Asking God for His reasons as well as His desires would provide you with new dreams that might help secure the understanding of parents for their female children.
Our experiences in life are always meant to build us as well as help the society become better.
Good luck.
Virgin girl waiting for my love, but…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have known this girl for 12 years even though I live outside Nigeria and only visit occasionally.
Since knowing her, she has always maintained her claims to be a virgin. Her usual reason is fear occasioned by the attendant pains of being deflowered.
We communicate regularly, thanks to her resilience. She is the one always pushing for constant communication between us. I love her but not as much as she clearly loves me.
Sometime ago, I came back to Nigeria and called to meet with her after nine years.
I was in for a shock as her appearance has undergone some changes. Unlike the trim woman I knew the last time l saw her, she is now very fat and not in anyway beautiful. We have spent one week together and still fought over sex as she was always crying in pains. I later found out that she was telling the truth about being a virgin. I left her like that.
Now my problem is that this girl is very short and ugly, just opposite of me, and my family members don’t like her. She wanted me to promise her marriage but I don’t love her enough to make such promise. Ever since then she has been crying, even over the phone. She has kept telling me she would never be happy with another man in her life.
With her soft tone of voice and good character, I am very confused on what to do. Above all, she is kind hearted.
Confused Man.
Dear Confused Man,
Although you didn’t state your age, but if you have been abroad for 12 years, it means you are old enough to take your decision.
There is no way physical changes wouldn’t have overtaken her after all these years. Nine years are a long time. Everyday we spend on earth the human body goes through both physical and internal changes. I am sure like her your body too has undergone some physical changes. It is the beat of time, which we must all dance to.
Physical beauty doesn’t guarantee marital happiness rather those aspects of her you find irritable or aren’t sensitive to are the real ingredients behind successful relationships and marriage.
The thing is for you to first come to terms with what you really want from life albeit marriage. There is no way you would really know the woman that is good for you or capable of helping you achieve what you want without first having an idea of that thing.
Therefore ask yourself this all-important question. What kind of marriage and life have you always hoped for? What kind of woman do you think would help you achieve it? Is it a kind hearted one, the kind that is understanding, has the patience to grow you from who you are to what you want to be? The kind of woman who is tolerant and selfless, who is your friend and who would go out of her way to listen to you, give you helpful suggestions even when she is very tired and wants to sleep, the kind that places your happiness above hers?
Or is it the kind who is too busy to attend to you: is more preoccupied by her looks and fashion to remember the things that make you happy as a man?
Experience has taught many of us that we live with the character of a person and not looks. A man or woman may have all the a-class looks without having the right kind of character to make anybody happy. In the real world, character more than physical attributes is what holds the candle any day. It is what gives glow when the night is darkest and solution appears to have gone on permanent leave.
Everyman needs a good and loyal wife to be complete, to compliment his efforts as a man. Deep down, irrespective of this woman’s looks, do you think she has what it takes in terms of behaviour to give you the kind of happiness we all crave for later in life?
One thing you should always bear in mind is this, after a while some of the things we promote as being very important cease to be once we cross a particular age. This is the point where reality hits us on the head with a sledgehammer.
When a man or woman gets to that point, nothing else matters but that which is within matters.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t realise the price of things we are throwing away when we premise our choices on those things that really don’t add value to our lives at the end of the day.
This is where the frustrations and regrets so many couples experience in their marriages begin.
Whatever reservations you have against her appearance can still be managed, which is why you should really be honest with yourself. Are you leaving her because your family members don’t like her and that you consider her ugly or that you don’t love her at all? There is a huge difference between your not liking her and your family members not wanting her to be part of your life. If you truly don’t feel anything for her, explain your reasons once again to her. Remind her that it takes two to tangle and that you would have wished to marry her but what you feel for her isn’t strong enough to make her happy.
Do this because after waiting for you for 12 years, all her hopes are understandably on you. Don’t also forget the fact that she must have turned so many men down all because she thought she had a husband in you. The fact that you still met her as a virgin underscores the kind of discipline she must have exercised to stay that way.
Telling her you are no more interested would therefore take more than whatever it is you have told her to make it stick. You must find time to come back and really explain things to her. It won’t be fair to end such a long time relationship on phone. Granted it would cost you money to come back but do it for posterity and for your future peace of mind.
It might help to see how you can settle her for the time and efforts she has put into this relationship. You may think it isn’t necessary but do it to give you the spiritual freedom to move on with your life. Hell has no fury like that of a scorned woman, this is because nothing you say would make sense to her now or prevent her from taking a step she may later regret.
Though your efforts may never be enough for her to make up for the years she waited for you to be ready but it would be on record that you did your best.
Once you have done this, move on with your life irrespective of how she feels or what she says. She may not realise it now, but in later years she would definitely have reasons to be grateful you didn’t marry her when she meets the man that would always treat her with respect and like a queen.
But if you think she has all the qualities that would make you happy ignore her looks or what anybody thinks of her. Not everybody in your family is under any obligation to like her. Besides, you are old enough to know what you want. If she were morally bankrupt, you won’t meet her the way you met her.
You can always help her achieve the kind of appearance that makes you happy. Marriage is a journey of many bumps and a personal one, hence you need a partner you are comfortable with as well as whose presence in your life would make the journey interesting and happy.
Before taking the final decision, do take a total look at your life, both now and the future. Importantly, talk to God intimately on His plans for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have known this girl for 12 years even though I live outside Nigeria and only visit occasionally.
Since knowing her, she has always maintained her claims to be a virgin. Her usual reason is fear occasioned by the attendant pains of being deflowered.
We communicate regularly, thanks to her resilience. She is the one always pushing for constant communication between us. I love her but not as much as she clearly loves me.
Sometime ago, I came back to Nigeria and called to meet with her after nine years.
I was in for a shock as her appearance has undergone some changes. Unlike the trim woman I knew the last time l saw her, she is now very fat and not in anyway beautiful. We have spent one week together and still fought over sex as she was always crying in pains. I later found out that she was telling the truth about being a virgin. I left her like that.
Now my problem is that this girl is very short and ugly, just opposite of me, and my family members don’t like her. She wanted me to promise her marriage but I don’t love her enough to make such promise. Ever since then she has been crying, even over the phone. She has kept telling me she would never be happy with another man in her life.
With her soft tone of voice and good character, I am very confused on what to do. Above all, she is kind hearted.
Confused Man.
Dear Confused Man,
Although you didn’t state your age, but if you have been abroad for 12 years, it means you are old enough to take your decision.
There is no way physical changes wouldn’t have overtaken her after all these years. Nine years are a long time. Everyday we spend on earth the human body goes through both physical and internal changes. I am sure like her your body too has undergone some physical changes. It is the beat of time, which we must all dance to.
Physical beauty doesn’t guarantee marital happiness rather those aspects of her you find irritable or aren’t sensitive to are the real ingredients behind successful relationships and marriage.
The thing is for you to first come to terms with what you really want from life albeit marriage. There is no way you would really know the woman that is good for you or capable of helping you achieve what you want without first having an idea of that thing.
Therefore ask yourself this all-important question. What kind of marriage and life have you always hoped for? What kind of woman do you think would help you achieve it? Is it a kind hearted one, the kind that is understanding, has the patience to grow you from who you are to what you want to be? The kind of woman who is tolerant and selfless, who is your friend and who would go out of her way to listen to you, give you helpful suggestions even when she is very tired and wants to sleep, the kind that places your happiness above hers?
Or is it the kind who is too busy to attend to you: is more preoccupied by her looks and fashion to remember the things that make you happy as a man?
Experience has taught many of us that we live with the character of a person and not looks. A man or woman may have all the a-class looks without having the right kind of character to make anybody happy. In the real world, character more than physical attributes is what holds the candle any day. It is what gives glow when the night is darkest and solution appears to have gone on permanent leave.
Everyman needs a good and loyal wife to be complete, to compliment his efforts as a man. Deep down, irrespective of this woman’s looks, do you think she has what it takes in terms of behaviour to give you the kind of happiness we all crave for later in life?
One thing you should always bear in mind is this, after a while some of the things we promote as being very important cease to be once we cross a particular age. This is the point where reality hits us on the head with a sledgehammer.
When a man or woman gets to that point, nothing else matters but that which is within matters.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t realise the price of things we are throwing away when we premise our choices on those things that really don’t add value to our lives at the end of the day.
This is where the frustrations and regrets so many couples experience in their marriages begin.
Whatever reservations you have against her appearance can still be managed, which is why you should really be honest with yourself. Are you leaving her because your family members don’t like her and that you consider her ugly or that you don’t love her at all? There is a huge difference between your not liking her and your family members not wanting her to be part of your life. If you truly don’t feel anything for her, explain your reasons once again to her. Remind her that it takes two to tangle and that you would have wished to marry her but what you feel for her isn’t strong enough to make her happy.
Do this because after waiting for you for 12 years, all her hopes are understandably on you. Don’t also forget the fact that she must have turned so many men down all because she thought she had a husband in you. The fact that you still met her as a virgin underscores the kind of discipline she must have exercised to stay that way.
Telling her you are no more interested would therefore take more than whatever it is you have told her to make it stick. You must find time to come back and really explain things to her. It won’t be fair to end such a long time relationship on phone. Granted it would cost you money to come back but do it for posterity and for your future peace of mind.
It might help to see how you can settle her for the time and efforts she has put into this relationship. You may think it isn’t necessary but do it to give you the spiritual freedom to move on with your life. Hell has no fury like that of a scorned woman, this is because nothing you say would make sense to her now or prevent her from taking a step she may later regret.
Though your efforts may never be enough for her to make up for the years she waited for you to be ready but it would be on record that you did your best.
Once you have done this, move on with your life irrespective of how she feels or what she says. She may not realise it now, but in later years she would definitely have reasons to be grateful you didn’t marry her when she meets the man that would always treat her with respect and like a queen.
But if you think she has all the qualities that would make you happy ignore her looks or what anybody thinks of her. Not everybody in your family is under any obligation to like her. Besides, you are old enough to know what you want. If she were morally bankrupt, you won’t meet her the way you met her.
You can always help her achieve the kind of appearance that makes you happy. Marriage is a journey of many bumps and a personal one, hence you need a partner you are comfortable with as well as whose presence in your life would make the journey interesting and happy.
Before taking the final decision, do take a total look at your life, both now and the future. Importantly, talk to God intimately on His plans for you.
Good luck.
Can milk hamper ejaculation in man?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I consume milk a lot and don’t know if it is affecting my sex life. Does milk affect ejaculation in any form? Please help me. My friend has jokingly told me that it would affect my sex life.
Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
The only harm that comes from drinking milk is the extra weight you get to add if it isn’t skimmed milk.
If you have the tendency to add, ensure you take it in moderation. Life is about moderation. Obesity can be in the way of a fulfilling sex life. Once you cross a certain age, skimmed milk is the best. With it, you get to enjoy all the benefits of milk without the fat.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I consume milk a lot and don’t know if it is affecting my sex life. Does milk affect ejaculation in any form? Please help me. My friend has jokingly told me that it would affect my sex life.
Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
The only harm that comes from drinking milk is the extra weight you get to add if it isn’t skimmed milk.
If you have the tendency to add, ensure you take it in moderation. Life is about moderation. Obesity can be in the way of a fulfilling sex life. Once you cross a certain age, skimmed milk is the best. With it, you get to enjoy all the benefits of milk without the fat.
Good luck.
Must he jilt me over mum’s messy past?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.
I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life.
I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.
This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.
Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.
His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty.
What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man? These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator.
What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same.
If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.
I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life.
I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.
This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.
Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.
His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty.
What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man? These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator.
What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same.
If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.
Good luck.
My wife doesn’t believe in me…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha
I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing. I am 30 years of age and in relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me for the job. I finally got the job and in my second month on the job.
She resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place she told me about her past. From her story she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desired to settle down, as time wasn’t on her side.
At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding.
She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me.
We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her, she received the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house, who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meagre salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later.
Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the month.
I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church.
Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship would be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and as well as build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behaviour of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do?
Troubled Soul.
Dear Troubled Soul,
Understanding in a marriage isn’t what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this crossroad because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices.
Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy.
While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union.
You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked her of the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony.
If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed plannings.
The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been firmer and more definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough, given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not in being firm at all. Everyman that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused with that comes the determination to put his woman in check.
Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby who will be the one to suffer if any rash decision on your parts comes up now.
For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and re-plan your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will.
That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you. Unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home.
Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. Go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning.
Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter.
Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you.
To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occured between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier.
There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her.
When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind.
You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails.
In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you have started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha
I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing. I am 30 years of age and in relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me for the job. I finally got the job and in my second month on the job.
She resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place she told me about her past. From her story she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desired to settle down, as time wasn’t on her side.
At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding.
She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me.
We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her, she received the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house, who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meagre salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later.
Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the month.
I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church.
Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship would be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and as well as build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behaviour of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do?
Troubled Soul.
Dear Troubled Soul,
Understanding in a marriage isn’t what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this crossroad because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices.
Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy.
While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union.
You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked her of the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony.
If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed plannings.
The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been firmer and more definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough, given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not in being firm at all. Everyman that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused with that comes the determination to put his woman in check.
Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby who will be the one to suffer if any rash decision on your parts comes up now.
For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and re-plan your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will.
That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you. Unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home.
Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. Go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning.
Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter.
Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you.
To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occured between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier.
There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her.
When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind.
You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails.
In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you have started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve.
Good luck.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
He won’t marry girl that has had sex with another man
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May God continue to bless and increase you in wisdom for the wonderful work you are doing. I am a lady of 23 years of age and currently in a relationship of seven years old. The problem over which I need your help started five years ago when I discovered that my boyfriend was suffering from premature ejaculation. Being young and naive I thought I was the cause of the problem. Naturally, I was worried so I decided to embark on a journey of truth. This led me to sleep with two other men. After knowing that the fault wasn’t mine, I was disturbed because of my love for him. Although the problem still persists, we are managing it. However, my worry now is that my boyfriend vowed sometime ago while we were discussing never to marry a woman he knows another man has slept with no matter how much he loved the person. Should I tell him the truth and lose him or I should keep the secret to myself? Your prompt response to this would be greatly appreciated. Concerned Lady. Dear Concerned Lady, I decided to pair your letter up with this other letter to give you the benefit of more information of the issues involved in your letter. Sleeping with other men for verification of who has the problem in your relationship wasn’t wise. Being young and naïve isn’t an excuse to be unfaithful to your man and relationship. If you hadn’t pre-empted sex would you have gone out of your matrimonial home to verify through sleeping with other men if the fault was yours or not? The oath to stay faithful begins from the very first moments a couple agrees to become one. A cheating girlfriend or boyfriend cannot be trusted to be faithful within the bonds of marriage. What you should have done is to call his attention to the problem as well as your dissatisfaction with his sexual performance. I guess your fear was and still is confronting him with evidence of your sexual dissatisfaction. You don’t want to have to answer questions of where you got the knowledge or experience that he is having the problem of premature ejaculation. You want to present yourself as a good girl who is contended when in actual fact you are suffering from lack of sexual satisfaction. As long as you insist on presenting yourself as demure and contended with the quality of your sex life, the more the danger of you going out to have fun and the greater the risk of you being caught by him through either carelessness or contact of any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). There is no stopping a woman who isn’t getting the quality of sex she desires from going out. No matter how much you try to ignore it, given the fact that you have already strayed, a time would come when you would simply throw in the towel on account of sexual frustrations. So to insure your relationship with this man, that is if you are really serious about marrying him, is to tell him the truth about your sexual frustrations. No matter what it would eventually cost you, point him at his area of weakness. Let him know precisely what you feel each time he ejaculates before you are ready. If he were matured, he would know that your feelings of frustration don’t have to come from experimenting outside him but a natural feeling every sexually active person knows instinctively. Sexual satisfaction is like food. You don’t need a third party to tell you when you want more or are satisfied. If you were more matured, you would have known going outside your relationship to find an answer in the beds of other men wasn’t necessary. Search your mind to know if to tell him the truth or not. But be reminded that nothing is ever hidden. He may come to know the truth eventually by which time it would be very impossible to get him to listen to you. No matter how painful the consequences of telling the truth are, there is no alternative to it. Not only does telling the truth confer respect, it offers compassion where condemnation should have been applied. Still the choice to tell him what the attendant problems laced into his inability to satisfy you in bed is yours. As his woman, you have a role to play in helping him gain control of his body. Begin by asking him what the issues are. Is it that he is always excited getting into bed with you? Is he experiencing some pressures from his family, work or business? What pressures are you putting him through? Since the problem started two years after you started dating him, it means the problem began in the relationship. If both of you have committed your time and emotions to other areas of the relationship beyond sex, discussing this problem and finding a workable solution would not be difficult. He must trust you to open up and you must have the commitment and compassion to help him without damaging his ego as a man. To enhance your understanding of all the issues involved, arm yourself with information on the subject by going to the internet to read about it or books that discuss it. The first impression you must erase is whether it is a disease. It isn’t. With your help, a deep sense of adventure and willingness to experiment with certain positions, he would overcome it. However for the solution to be permanent, you in particular must be convinced of the need to be loyal at all times because any betrayal on your part could aggravate the situation.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
May God continue to bless and increase you in wisdom for the wonderful work you are doing. I am a lady of 23 years of age and currently in a relationship of seven years old. The problem over which I need your help started five years ago when I discovered that my boyfriend was suffering from premature ejaculation. Being young and naive I thought I was the cause of the problem. Naturally, I was worried so I decided to embark on a journey of truth. This led me to sleep with two other men. After knowing that the fault wasn’t mine, I was disturbed because of my love for him. Although the problem still persists, we are managing it. However, my worry now is that my boyfriend vowed sometime ago while we were discussing never to marry a woman he knows another man has slept with no matter how much he loved the person. Should I tell him the truth and lose him or I should keep the secret to myself? Your prompt response to this would be greatly appreciated. Concerned Lady. Dear Concerned Lady, I decided to pair your letter up with this other letter to give you the benefit of more information of the issues involved in your letter. Sleeping with other men for verification of who has the problem in your relationship wasn’t wise. Being young and naïve isn’t an excuse to be unfaithful to your man and relationship. If you hadn’t pre-empted sex would you have gone out of your matrimonial home to verify through sleeping with other men if the fault was yours or not? The oath to stay faithful begins from the very first moments a couple agrees to become one. A cheating girlfriend or boyfriend cannot be trusted to be faithful within the bonds of marriage. What you should have done is to call his attention to the problem as well as your dissatisfaction with his sexual performance. I guess your fear was and still is confronting him with evidence of your sexual dissatisfaction. You don’t want to have to answer questions of where you got the knowledge or experience that he is having the problem of premature ejaculation. You want to present yourself as a good girl who is contended when in actual fact you are suffering from lack of sexual satisfaction. As long as you insist on presenting yourself as demure and contended with the quality of your sex life, the more the danger of you going out to have fun and the greater the risk of you being caught by him through either carelessness or contact of any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). There is no stopping a woman who isn’t getting the quality of sex she desires from going out. No matter how much you try to ignore it, given the fact that you have already strayed, a time would come when you would simply throw in the towel on account of sexual frustrations. So to insure your relationship with this man, that is if you are really serious about marrying him, is to tell him the truth about your sexual frustrations. No matter what it would eventually cost you, point him at his area of weakness. Let him know precisely what you feel each time he ejaculates before you are ready. If he were matured, he would know that your feelings of frustration don’t have to come from experimenting outside him but a natural feeling every sexually active person knows instinctively. Sexual satisfaction is like food. You don’t need a third party to tell you when you want more or are satisfied. If you were more matured, you would have known going outside your relationship to find an answer in the beds of other men wasn’t necessary. Search your mind to know if to tell him the truth or not. But be reminded that nothing is ever hidden. He may come to know the truth eventually by which time it would be very impossible to get him to listen to you. No matter how painful the consequences of telling the truth are, there is no alternative to it. Not only does telling the truth confer respect, it offers compassion where condemnation should have been applied. Still the choice to tell him what the attendant problems laced into his inability to satisfy you in bed is yours. As his woman, you have a role to play in helping him gain control of his body. Begin by asking him what the issues are. Is it that he is always excited getting into bed with you? Is he experiencing some pressures from his family, work or business? What pressures are you putting him through? Since the problem started two years after you started dating him, it means the problem began in the relationship. If both of you have committed your time and emotions to other areas of the relationship beyond sex, discussing this problem and finding a workable solution would not be difficult. He must trust you to open up and you must have the commitment and compassion to help him without damaging his ego as a man. To enhance your understanding of all the issues involved, arm yourself with information on the subject by going to the internet to read about it or books that discuss it. The first impression you must erase is whether it is a disease. It isn’t. With your help, a deep sense of adventure and willingness to experiment with certain positions, he would overcome it. However for the solution to be permanent, you in particular must be convinced of the need to be loyal at all times because any betrayal on your part could aggravate the situation.
Good luck.
She plays around
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your column; please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realise that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough criterion to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the importance being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behaviour towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm it is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship, but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? Is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so-called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways by obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck
Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your column; please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realise that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough criterion to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the importance being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behaviour towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm it is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship, but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? Is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so-called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways by obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck
Hard to know girl who is in love
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is that I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl, what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isn’t something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody to tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strength of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is: are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is that I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl, what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isn’t something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody to tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strength of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is: are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman.
Good luck.
He cheats on me habitually
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extramarital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad-luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not to run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is romancing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position, wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront, hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at anytime given him reason to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what have been your reactions to these complaints? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pinpoint your own faults, work on them with a view of making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are more often than not his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence feel free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often time women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extraordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that juju is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. There is plenty of time to do that. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate his position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all time and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extramarital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad-luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not to run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is romancing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position, wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront, hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at anytime given him reason to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what have been your reactions to these complaints? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pinpoint your own faults, work on them with a view of making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are more often than not his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence feel free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often time women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extraordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that juju is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. There is plenty of time to do that. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate his position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all time and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out.
Good luck.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
How do I tell my pregnant mistress I’m married?
Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha, Please, I need your advice fast before I do something dangerous. I have been married for 10 years and life was good when I got married, but things got bad few years back when I lost my job. This led me to seek assistance from other women outside my marriage even though my wife has always provided me with all the support she can offer. She pays the school fees of the children; provides food since I don’t have regular income to care for our two children. Agatha, but the problem now is that another lady is pregnant for me who says abortion is not an option for her. My wife is not aware of this and my pregnant girl friend thinks I am single. I love my family and my girl friend too. So how do I break the news to my wife and also my girl friend without hurting both of them? Please help with your advice before it’s too late. Unemployed Husband.
Dear Unemployed Husband, The only help is for you to tell yourself some plain truths about the mess you put yourself and your family into. No responsible man speaks or acts the way you are speaking or acting. How do you feel lying to a woman about your marital status? How does it make you feel? What kind of example are you giving your children by telling lies? How would you be able to face your children and the woman you yourself said gave her best to make you happy despite losing your job? It is bad enough to engage in extra marital affairs but telling the lady in question that you aren’t married is the height of irresponsibility, insensitivity to the feelings of the other woman and disregard for the person of your wife. The young lady is ruling out abortion because she thinks you are single and available to marry her. She feels in love with the image of a single man not the married man and father that you are. The only help you can offer this lady is to tell the truth before it is too late. Give her the chance to take a decision concerning that child she is carrying inside of her. You have denied her the chance of the truth before, don’t do it again especially as the life of an innocent child is going to be involved. If your wife can forgive you, she may not be that charitable especially as you are forcing her into a lifestyle she clearly didn’t bargain for when she decided to date you. Every woman deserves a say in how her life ends up. To deny her this is to further compound the problem you have created for yourself. Irrespective of how much the truth would hurt her, for once, learn how to tell the truth. It is her right to know that you are married and not available to marrying her. Whatever she decides on, ensure you don’t ignore the baby she is carrying. As for your wife, it is important you tell her the truth because this thing would eventually blow up especially if you the lady in question refuses to abort the baby. In your interest, it is necessary she get to hear it from you. Although your telling her would not lessen the pains of betrayal she would feel at the news, but you may not be able to minimise the damage to your marriage if she gets to hear it from someone or somewhere else. One thing you would achieve by telling her yourself is the opportunity to plead for forgiveness from her. Should she get to hear from a secondary source, you may never get the opportunity of doing that. But before you do that, it is important you evaluate your choices. There is no way you can convince your wife, who has given you all the support to forgive you when you waste precious time you would have invested on more meaningful things on women. Using your lack of job as an excuse to turn to the women in your life is not tenable. How can having affairs with women help improve your financial standing or grant you a source of steady income? If your wife hadn’t been the struggling kind, would you even have a roof over your head or the presence of mind to approach a woman? You must be looking well for this other woman to believe you are single and getting pregnant for you. Had your wife been the harsh kind, anger and the tension at home there is no way your girlfriend won’t have found out that you were lying to her about not having a wife. The tension in your home would have made you told her something about your wife. Sincerely, you haven’t been fair to this woman. It couldn’t have been easy for her to take on the responsibility of caring for the home alone. What you owe yourself at this point in time is to sit down and think of what is important to you at the end of it all. What can you count as your major achievement? What kind of satisfaction beyond sex are you getting from them? Do you think any of these women would be able to tolerate, endure with you the way this woman has done in the past few years? When you think of your wife, what kind of woman do you see? Whatever it is you are looking for from these women, think of all the sacrifices your wife had made for the marriage. Go back to your reason for marrying her. Granted that in the course of caring for you and the family, she may not exactly have time to look as good as all the other women you are dating but her appearance speaks volume of the kind of sacrifices and selflessness she is putting to ensure the home is comfortable for you and the children. If she wasn’t looking as good as you wanted, there are better ways to get her to listen, of getting her pay more attention to her looks. Having extra marital affairs has never been a solution to marital problems. Besides any of these women getting pregnant for you, there is no telling the kind of diseases they have which you could easily transfer to your wife. Has it occurred to you that you could easily contract and transmit a terminal disease from any of these women to your wife? The fact that one of them is pregnant shows that you have been having unprotected sex. How would you explain a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to your wife? One thing is for a woman to have a stepchild she didn’t bargain for but a different ball game to be infected with a disease from her husband’s numerous escapades. If this woman means anything to you, help protect her person and dignity from the embarrassment of having to explain herself to a doctor or chemist. The damage you are doing to your marriage has far reaching implications. The chances of you ever tapping into her trust, loyalty, support, understanding and sacrifices are very slim. Having burnt this bridge, she may find it absolutely impossible to give you the same kind of support even when you have repented. You have really wronged your wife. You need to really beg her to forgive you if you hope for some peace in life. Whatever it takes you to restore peace and harmony in your home, do it. As a married man, your place is with your wife and children. Your numerous women aren’t investments at all; rather, they are liabilities you can do without. In addition, having them crowding your life won’t allow you to focus, think of the many things you can do on your own while you search for a job. I am sure you have more value for your life than sleeping with women. As a man, you have needs, which your wife’s little resources or the extras you get from your women friend cannot provide. A time would come when you would no longer be able to work as hard as you can now or be as attractive to have around these women as you are now. If you are not concerned for the feelings of your wife and children, at least be for yourself. Help yourself gain whatever respect you have lost by your inability to bring together all the bits and pieces of your life. You owe yourself a dream. Good luck.
Dear Agatha, Please, I need your advice fast before I do something dangerous. I have been married for 10 years and life was good when I got married, but things got bad few years back when I lost my job. This led me to seek assistance from other women outside my marriage even though my wife has always provided me with all the support she can offer. She pays the school fees of the children; provides food since I don’t have regular income to care for our two children. Agatha, but the problem now is that another lady is pregnant for me who says abortion is not an option for her. My wife is not aware of this and my pregnant girl friend thinks I am single. I love my family and my girl friend too. So how do I break the news to my wife and also my girl friend without hurting both of them? Please help with your advice before it’s too late. Unemployed Husband.
Dear Unemployed Husband, The only help is for you to tell yourself some plain truths about the mess you put yourself and your family into. No responsible man speaks or acts the way you are speaking or acting. How do you feel lying to a woman about your marital status? How does it make you feel? What kind of example are you giving your children by telling lies? How would you be able to face your children and the woman you yourself said gave her best to make you happy despite losing your job? It is bad enough to engage in extra marital affairs but telling the lady in question that you aren’t married is the height of irresponsibility, insensitivity to the feelings of the other woman and disregard for the person of your wife. The young lady is ruling out abortion because she thinks you are single and available to marry her. She feels in love with the image of a single man not the married man and father that you are. The only help you can offer this lady is to tell the truth before it is too late. Give her the chance to take a decision concerning that child she is carrying inside of her. You have denied her the chance of the truth before, don’t do it again especially as the life of an innocent child is going to be involved. If your wife can forgive you, she may not be that charitable especially as you are forcing her into a lifestyle she clearly didn’t bargain for when she decided to date you. Every woman deserves a say in how her life ends up. To deny her this is to further compound the problem you have created for yourself. Irrespective of how much the truth would hurt her, for once, learn how to tell the truth. It is her right to know that you are married and not available to marrying her. Whatever she decides on, ensure you don’t ignore the baby she is carrying. As for your wife, it is important you tell her the truth because this thing would eventually blow up especially if you the lady in question refuses to abort the baby. In your interest, it is necessary she get to hear it from you. Although your telling her would not lessen the pains of betrayal she would feel at the news, but you may not be able to minimise the damage to your marriage if she gets to hear it from someone or somewhere else. One thing you would achieve by telling her yourself is the opportunity to plead for forgiveness from her. Should she get to hear from a secondary source, you may never get the opportunity of doing that. But before you do that, it is important you evaluate your choices. There is no way you can convince your wife, who has given you all the support to forgive you when you waste precious time you would have invested on more meaningful things on women. Using your lack of job as an excuse to turn to the women in your life is not tenable. How can having affairs with women help improve your financial standing or grant you a source of steady income? If your wife hadn’t been the struggling kind, would you even have a roof over your head or the presence of mind to approach a woman? You must be looking well for this other woman to believe you are single and getting pregnant for you. Had your wife been the harsh kind, anger and the tension at home there is no way your girlfriend won’t have found out that you were lying to her about not having a wife. The tension in your home would have made you told her something about your wife. Sincerely, you haven’t been fair to this woman. It couldn’t have been easy for her to take on the responsibility of caring for the home alone. What you owe yourself at this point in time is to sit down and think of what is important to you at the end of it all. What can you count as your major achievement? What kind of satisfaction beyond sex are you getting from them? Do you think any of these women would be able to tolerate, endure with you the way this woman has done in the past few years? When you think of your wife, what kind of woman do you see? Whatever it is you are looking for from these women, think of all the sacrifices your wife had made for the marriage. Go back to your reason for marrying her. Granted that in the course of caring for you and the family, she may not exactly have time to look as good as all the other women you are dating but her appearance speaks volume of the kind of sacrifices and selflessness she is putting to ensure the home is comfortable for you and the children. If she wasn’t looking as good as you wanted, there are better ways to get her to listen, of getting her pay more attention to her looks. Having extra marital affairs has never been a solution to marital problems. Besides any of these women getting pregnant for you, there is no telling the kind of diseases they have which you could easily transfer to your wife. Has it occurred to you that you could easily contract and transmit a terminal disease from any of these women to your wife? The fact that one of them is pregnant shows that you have been having unprotected sex. How would you explain a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to your wife? One thing is for a woman to have a stepchild she didn’t bargain for but a different ball game to be infected with a disease from her husband’s numerous escapades. If this woman means anything to you, help protect her person and dignity from the embarrassment of having to explain herself to a doctor or chemist. The damage you are doing to your marriage has far reaching implications. The chances of you ever tapping into her trust, loyalty, support, understanding and sacrifices are very slim. Having burnt this bridge, she may find it absolutely impossible to give you the same kind of support even when you have repented. You have really wronged your wife. You need to really beg her to forgive you if you hope for some peace in life. Whatever it takes you to restore peace and harmony in your home, do it. As a married man, your place is with your wife and children. Your numerous women aren’t investments at all; rather, they are liabilities you can do without. In addition, having them crowding your life won’t allow you to focus, think of the many things you can do on your own while you search for a job. I am sure you have more value for your life than sleeping with women. As a man, you have needs, which your wife’s little resources or the extras you get from your women friend cannot provide. A time would come when you would no longer be able to work as hard as you can now or be as attractive to have around these women as you are now. If you are not concerned for the feelings of your wife and children, at least be for yourself. Help yourself gain whatever respect you have lost by your inability to bring together all the bits and pieces of your life. You owe yourself a dream. Good luck.
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