Virgin girl waiting for my love, but…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
 I have known this girl for 12 years even though I live outside Nigeria and only visit occasionally.
Since knowing her, she has always maintained her claims to be a virgin. Her usual reason is fear occasioned by the attendant pains of being deflowered.
We communicate regularly, thanks to her resilience. She is the one always pushing for constant communication between us. I love her but not as much as she clearly loves me.
Sometime ago, I came back to Nigeria and called to meet with her after nine years.
I was in for a shock as her appearance has undergone some changes. Unlike the trim woman I knew the last time l saw her, she is now very fat and not in anyway beautiful. We have spent one week together and still fought over sex as she was always crying in pains. I later found out that she was telling the truth about being a virgin. I left her like that.
Now my problem is that this girl is very short and ugly, just opposite of me, and my family members don’t like her. She wanted me to promise her marriage but I don’t love her enough to make such promise. Ever since then she has been crying, even over the phone. She has kept telling me she would never be happy with another man in her life.
With her soft tone of voice and good character, I am very confused on what to do. Above all, she is kind hearted.
Confused Man.


Dear Confused Man,
Although you didn’t state your age, but if you have been abroad for 12 years, it means you are old enough to take your decision.
There is no way physical changes wouldn’t have overtaken her after all these years. Nine years are a long time. Everyday we spend on earth the human body goes through both physical and internal changes. I am sure like her your body too has undergone some physical changes. It is the beat of time, which we must all dance to.
Physical beauty doesn’t guarantee marital happiness rather those aspects of her you find irritable or aren’t sensitive to are the real ingredients behind successful relationships and marriage.
The thing is for you to first come to terms with what you really want from life albeit marriage. There is no way you would really know the woman that is good for you or capable of helping you achieve what you want without first having an idea of that thing.
Therefore ask yourself this all-important question. What kind of marriage and life have you always hoped for? What kind of woman do you think would help you achieve it? Is it a kind hearted one, the kind that is understanding, has the patience to grow you from who you are to what you want to be? The kind of woman who is tolerant and selfless, who is your friend and who would go out of her way to listen to you, give you helpful suggestions even when she is very tired and wants to sleep, the kind that places your happiness above hers?
Or is it the kind who is too busy to attend to you: is more preoccupied by her looks and fashion to remember the things that make you happy as a man?
Experience has taught many of us that we live with the character of a person and not looks. A man or woman may have all the a-class looks without having the right kind of character to make anybody happy. In the real world, character more than physical attributes is what holds the candle any day. It is what gives glow when the night is darkest and solution appears to have gone on permanent leave.
Everyman needs a good and loyal wife to be complete, to compliment his efforts as a man. Deep down, irrespective of this woman’s looks, do you think she has what it takes in terms of behaviour to give you the kind of happiness we all crave for later in life?
One thing you should always bear in mind is this, after a while some of the things we promote as being very important cease to be once we cross a particular age. This is the point where reality hits us on the head with a sledgehammer.
When a man or woman gets to that point, nothing else matters but that which is within matters.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t realise the price of things we are throwing away when we premise our choices on those things that really don’t add value to our lives at the end of the day.
This is where the frustrations and regrets so many couples experience in their marriages begin.
Whatever reservations you have against her appearance can still be managed, which is why you should really be honest with yourself. Are you leaving her because your family members don’t like her and that you consider her ugly or that you don’t love her at all? There is a huge difference between your not liking her and your family members not wanting her to be part of your life. If you truly don’t feel anything for her, explain your reasons once again to her. Remind her that it takes two to tangle and that you would have wished to marry her but what you feel for her isn’t strong enough to make her happy.
Do this because after waiting for you for 12 years, all her hopes are understandably on you. Don’t also forget the fact that she must have turned so many men down all because she thought she had a husband in you. The fact that you still met her as a virgin underscores the kind of discipline she must have exercised to stay that way.
Telling her you are no more interested would therefore take more than whatever it is you have told her to make it stick. You must find time to come back and really explain things to her. It won’t be fair to end such a long time relationship on phone. Granted it would cost you money to come back but do it for posterity and for your future peace of mind.
It might help to see how you can settle her for the time and efforts she has put into this relationship. You may think it isn’t necessary but do it to give you the spiritual freedom to move on with your life. Hell has no fury like that of a scorned woman, this is because nothing you say would make sense to her now or prevent her from taking a step she may later regret.
Though your efforts may never be enough for her to make up for the years she waited for you to be ready but it would be on record that you did your best.
Once you have done this, move on with your life irrespective of how she feels or what she says. She may not realise it now, but in later years she would definitely have reasons to be grateful you didn’t marry her when she meets the man that would always treat her with respect and like a queen.
But if you think she has all the qualities that would make you happy ignore her looks or what anybody thinks of her. Not everybody in your family is under any obligation to like her. Besides, you are old enough to know what you want. If she were morally bankrupt, you won’t meet her the way you met her.
You can always help her achieve the kind of appearance that makes you happy. Marriage is a journey of many bumps and a personal one, hence you need a partner you are comfortable with as well as whose presence in your life would make the journey interesting and happy.
Before taking the final decision, do take a total look at your life, both now and the future. Importantly, talk to God intimately on His plans for you.
Good luck.