Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How can one begin a relationship? How can a relationship be defined to one’s partner? How can it be maintained?
Worried Mind.
Dear Worried Mind,
There are many ways to begin a relationship but the best approach remains friendship. This is like the manure that nurtures the friendship to full maturity. Any relationship that is bereft of friendship is like an empty shell. Friendship is what strings together and weaves all the emotions mankind goes through together in a relationship. It adds colour, moderates emotions, collapses differences and provides a level playground for both parties to face the challenge of building the union.
Friendship and not love must be the basis for two people coming together. It is the only emotion that has the powers to heal and restore hope in seemingly hopeless situations.
Besides it is the only emotion that lasts forever and has the ability to endure all the different stages that a relationship must pass through before it finally berths. It is what adds elasticity to whatever we know as a relationship because of its incredible ability to forgive any offence committed against it.
When you see a woman you like, don’t make the mistake a lot of men make by claiming to love her. Simply say I want to be your friend; it means you care and sensitive to her feelings as a woman. It also means respect for her person as well as a desire to give both of you a fair chance to know each other before thinking of anything permanent.
It tells the woman that the man is sincere and not after her body.
Relationship is best defined to one’s partner through actions than words, because a lot of time what we say is different from what we do. Many a time there is a disconnection between what we say is the ideal and what we actually do.
But if we give the right examples through our own considerations, tolerance and appreciation of the other person, we give not only security to the other person but also assurances too that we are always available for dialogue at any given time.
The willingness and ability of dating partners to throw all their cards on the table also go a long way in drawing them out to share information about their stories, fears and hope. It also encourages them to plan as a team.
Once they are able to entrust each other with detailed information about each other, it becomes difficult for anybody to come between them just as they are able to help each other grow strong in their individual dreams through unconditional support.
In addition, effective power of communication helps to throw light on those little but very important things that matter to the other person. It adds extra brilliance to a relationship when couples can tell with accuracy the favourite colour, relaxation spot, kind of treats their partners like.
In this kind of relationship, words will only complement what they already know is true of their feelings for each other.
Honesty and devotion to one’s partner are the ways a relationship can be maintained.
When a relationship is devoid of suspicion, trust is easy to build than in a relationship where the couple hides vital information from each other. A couple must be able, without consulting the other person, say one or two things about the character and life of his or her partner.
Like a well kept garden, a couple must constantly devote time to and for each other, revisit their grey areas as often as possible with a view of ensuring it becomes green, offer compliments when a good deed is done as well as offer encouragement when the deed isn’t good enough.
Pleasantness, respect and responsibility are other issues that must not be ignored if a relationship is to stand the test of time.
Above all a couple must be able to copyright its relationship. Any attempt by a couple to fashion its relationship after another couple’s relationship, complications are bound to rise. Individualising a relationship to meet the needs and expectations of the two people involved makes for good maintenance.
Importantly, a couple must learn to pray together.
Good luck.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
He wants me to leave if…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend is behaving strangely. I am honestly getting fed up with him because I cannot place my fingers on what the matter is really.
He has told me severally that it is over between us; lacks respect for me, insults my family at will and above all lacks the courtesy to apologise yet he expects me to always tell him I am sorry whenever I offend him.
I have tried correcting him on this habit but he insists if I am not pleased with his character, I have the liberty to leave him for another guy. I am really confused because he has done so much and I don’t want to be an ingrate but he has changed so much from the person I used to know. I guess he is tired of the relationship.
Please advise me.
Bunmi.
Dear Bunmi,
It’s obvious that your once ideal man is tired of the relationship. Having told you severally that he wants you out of his life without you taking the hint to leave him alone, he decided to act it so you would know he is serious.
His behaviour would continue to depreciate until you are forced to do as he said.
This is deliberate. He is pushing you to the limit of your resistance knowing that when he insults you, your family members, treats you with no respect at all, your pride would eventually compel you into quitting the relationship.
You have done enough staying; at this stage nobody, he least of all, can accuse you of being an ingrate. The longer you stay with a man who is clearly not interested in how he treats you or the amount of insults he packs into his dealings with you as long as he gets what he wants the more ridicule you bring to yourself.
That he has lost every shed of respect for you is underscored by the inclusion of your family in the dispensation of his menu of insult.
It also points to something you may have done to him. Can you pinpoint the exact point he changed from loving to cruelty? Was there something he kept complaining about in your person or character but which you simply ignored?
Knowing where you went wrong would help prevent a re-occurrence in your future relationships. A lot of times certain things we count as being unimportant are the very things that end up torpedoing our happiness in life.
There is no way his change would have been so dramatic without your help. Even if you are unable to tell anybody how you conducted this relationship to this pitiable position, do yourself a world of good by admitting to your mistakes as well as limitations as a person.
Even if he takes you back by a stroke of miracle, if you don’t change your attitude, the same thing would happen all over again so it is in your interest you also examine your own faults with a view of helping yourself find happiness later in life.
If you remember the exact point he began to change, the events that characterised that period, his reactions to the issues as well as your own response, you will come to a realisation of what the problem could be.
But for now, step aside. By giving him some breathing space, he would have time to think and perhaps come to appreciate your position in his life. Allow him to miss you a little bit. You can be sure, if he is yours, God will find a way of bringing the two of you together again but if he isn’t, it is a clarion call for you to move and find better happiness elsewhere.
For something beautiful to grow in life, something has to die first. If your present relationship is the seed that would herald your new life, so be it.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend is behaving strangely. I am honestly getting fed up with him because I cannot place my fingers on what the matter is really.
He has told me severally that it is over between us; lacks respect for me, insults my family at will and above all lacks the courtesy to apologise yet he expects me to always tell him I am sorry whenever I offend him.
I have tried correcting him on this habit but he insists if I am not pleased with his character, I have the liberty to leave him for another guy. I am really confused because he has done so much and I don’t want to be an ingrate but he has changed so much from the person I used to know. I guess he is tired of the relationship.
Please advise me.
Bunmi.
Dear Bunmi,
It’s obvious that your once ideal man is tired of the relationship. Having told you severally that he wants you out of his life without you taking the hint to leave him alone, he decided to act it so you would know he is serious.
His behaviour would continue to depreciate until you are forced to do as he said.
This is deliberate. He is pushing you to the limit of your resistance knowing that when he insults you, your family members, treats you with no respect at all, your pride would eventually compel you into quitting the relationship.
You have done enough staying; at this stage nobody, he least of all, can accuse you of being an ingrate. The longer you stay with a man who is clearly not interested in how he treats you or the amount of insults he packs into his dealings with you as long as he gets what he wants the more ridicule you bring to yourself.
That he has lost every shed of respect for you is underscored by the inclusion of your family in the dispensation of his menu of insult.
It also points to something you may have done to him. Can you pinpoint the exact point he changed from loving to cruelty? Was there something he kept complaining about in your person or character but which you simply ignored?
Knowing where you went wrong would help prevent a re-occurrence in your future relationships. A lot of times certain things we count as being unimportant are the very things that end up torpedoing our happiness in life.
There is no way his change would have been so dramatic without your help. Even if you are unable to tell anybody how you conducted this relationship to this pitiable position, do yourself a world of good by admitting to your mistakes as well as limitations as a person.
Even if he takes you back by a stroke of miracle, if you don’t change your attitude, the same thing would happen all over again so it is in your interest you also examine your own faults with a view of helping yourself find happiness later in life.
If you remember the exact point he began to change, the events that characterised that period, his reactions to the issues as well as your own response, you will come to a realisation of what the problem could be.
But for now, step aside. By giving him some breathing space, he would have time to think and perhaps come to appreciate your position in his life. Allow him to miss you a little bit. You can be sure, if he is yours, God will find a way of bringing the two of you together again but if he isn’t, it is a clarion call for you to move and find better happiness elsewhere.
For something beautiful to grow in life, something has to die first. If your present relationship is the seed that would herald your new life, so be it.
Good luck.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
She agreed to marry me, but can’t grow her love…
with Aunty Agatha, email, gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to thank God for using you to be a blessing to this generation especially the young ones, there is this lady I met last year through my cousin, I like her because she is my kind of person. Sincerely, I would like to marry her.
I have actually proposed marriage to her and she has accepted. But I don’t understand her character, she finds it difficult to call even when I send her airtime or she sees my missed calls. I am always the only one calling her. Please I need your candid advice on how to handle her because I like her so much and would not like to lose her.
Worried Brother.
Dear Worried Brother,
One thing is to see someone you would very much love to have in your life another thing is for both of you to share the same enthusiasm for being together.
She may have accepted your proposal for marriage but from the look of things, both of you have nothing to work on at all. You are still very much strangers to each other and if you must move on from the point you have pegged yourselves, there is the need for you both to go back to the drawing board with a view of finding out a common meeting point between you.
Sincerely, offering her proposal when you barely know whom she is, a huge mistake. For any relationship to succeed, certain things must be put in place. Your proposal before you even had time to know her is akin to putting the cart before the horse. It shouldn’t have been the first thing to do. You needed time to familiarise yourself with her person, character and attitude before offering her a visa to share your space.
First impression isn’t always enough when it comes to the issue of deciding on a life partner. It is just the beginning of so many meetings, interactions before one can be sure that the first impression is the right one.
To help ease your disappointments with her, begin to see her as a friend, one you don’t mind calling because you desire to have her in your life. It is always easy to make a huge sacrifice for a friend than a lover. This is because with a friend, one is relaxed and has no shame exposing a weak side whereas one is constantly under pressure to put the right foot forwards when with a lover.
Also, regard her attitude as being of great assistance in the growth of your relationship. Now you know the challenge you are most likely to face with her if you end up as an item. Rather than see it as a huge discouragement, see it as a blessing in disguise. And the only way to do this is to understand her mental psychology regarding phone calls generally. Despite the huge success of mobile communication, many are still illiterates when it comes to telephone culture. Not many know that courtesy demands, a call from a known person, should be returned or text messages replied.
Often than not, it isn’t just a matter of not having enough credit on the phone but that of not knowing proper telephone usage ethics. Unfortunately many of us are guilty of this.
You won’t know if her attitude is deliberate or not unless you call her attention to it. You have to teach her, through love and not anger, how to respond to your messages as well as calls. Some things are better taught through the examples we give in our own attitudes.
Since your mind is on marrying her, it would do you a world of good to begin the process of integration now. Whatever sacrifices have to be made by both of you to get it right, begin the process now.
If you must know, you haven’t even started at all. The process that would take you from this point to marriage is a long painful journey of tolerance, patience, understanding as well as determination to make it work. There is no way you can get to the sweet part of a relationship without first paying attention to the bitter side. It is the devotion one gives to this bitter side that tells how sweet the relationship or marriage would be as the journey progresses.
In addition you need the presence and help of God from beginning to end.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to thank God for using you to be a blessing to this generation especially the young ones, there is this lady I met last year through my cousin, I like her because she is my kind of person. Sincerely, I would like to marry her.
I have actually proposed marriage to her and she has accepted. But I don’t understand her character, she finds it difficult to call even when I send her airtime or she sees my missed calls. I am always the only one calling her. Please I need your candid advice on how to handle her because I like her so much and would not like to lose her.
Worried Brother.
Dear Worried Brother,
One thing is to see someone you would very much love to have in your life another thing is for both of you to share the same enthusiasm for being together.
She may have accepted your proposal for marriage but from the look of things, both of you have nothing to work on at all. You are still very much strangers to each other and if you must move on from the point you have pegged yourselves, there is the need for you both to go back to the drawing board with a view of finding out a common meeting point between you.
Sincerely, offering her proposal when you barely know whom she is, a huge mistake. For any relationship to succeed, certain things must be put in place. Your proposal before you even had time to know her is akin to putting the cart before the horse. It shouldn’t have been the first thing to do. You needed time to familiarise yourself with her person, character and attitude before offering her a visa to share your space.
First impression isn’t always enough when it comes to the issue of deciding on a life partner. It is just the beginning of so many meetings, interactions before one can be sure that the first impression is the right one.
To help ease your disappointments with her, begin to see her as a friend, one you don’t mind calling because you desire to have her in your life. It is always easy to make a huge sacrifice for a friend than a lover. This is because with a friend, one is relaxed and has no shame exposing a weak side whereas one is constantly under pressure to put the right foot forwards when with a lover.
Also, regard her attitude as being of great assistance in the growth of your relationship. Now you know the challenge you are most likely to face with her if you end up as an item. Rather than see it as a huge discouragement, see it as a blessing in disguise. And the only way to do this is to understand her mental psychology regarding phone calls generally. Despite the huge success of mobile communication, many are still illiterates when it comes to telephone culture. Not many know that courtesy demands, a call from a known person, should be returned or text messages replied.
Often than not, it isn’t just a matter of not having enough credit on the phone but that of not knowing proper telephone usage ethics. Unfortunately many of us are guilty of this.
You won’t know if her attitude is deliberate or not unless you call her attention to it. You have to teach her, through love and not anger, how to respond to your messages as well as calls. Some things are better taught through the examples we give in our own attitudes.
Since your mind is on marrying her, it would do you a world of good to begin the process of integration now. Whatever sacrifices have to be made by both of you to get it right, begin the process now.
If you must know, you haven’t even started at all. The process that would take you from this point to marriage is a long painful journey of tolerance, patience, understanding as well as determination to make it work. There is no way you can get to the sweet part of a relationship without first paying attention to the bitter side. It is the devotion one gives to this bitter side that tells how sweet the relationship or marriage would be as the journey progresses.
In addition you need the presence and help of God from beginning to end.
Good luck.
Hard to tell him I had a child before…
with Aunty Agatha, email, gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been dating this man for seven months. He has even proposed marriage to me and I have accepted.
But there is a huge problem. I don’t know how to tell him about my past that I have a child from a previous relationship. I am scared I may lose him if he finds out.
Agatha, please help me because I don’t know how to go about it.
Debby.
Dear Debby,
Try putting yourself in the shoes of this man; how would you feel if after seven months of being together, you are just finding out that he has kept the vital information about a child from you?
Would you be able to trust him again? It isn’t just that you kept the information from him that would bother him but the issue of trust in its entirety that has been mortgaged by your refusal to tell him at the very wee hours of your first meeting.
The major question is why did you not tell him at the beginning about this child? This is going to his take when you finally tell him about this child?
Is it just fear that you would lose him or that you were desperate to have him and didn’t want anything that would drive him away from you? Could it be also that you weren’t too sure about his love for you or that you were too ashamed of your past to let him in?
Your refusal also calls to question the place of that child in your life. If this man of yours is a deep person, this might make him wonder at the kind of mother you are. No mother, no matter the consequences, denies her child even if it is one second.
Could it also be you deliberately kept the information from him till you are sure you have him where it would be difficult for him to back out?
These are questions you must quickly answer within yourself if you hope to convince him of your true intentions at not telling him from the onset.
In addition, whatever your reason is, be very honest with it since that is the only way you can defend whatever reason informed your not telling him initially.
Marshall your points very well before confronting him with the truth, the issue has gone beyond you having a child from a previous relationship to the twin issue of you keeping such vital information away from him and the credibility of your person.
Rather than deal with you having a child for another man, he has to convince himself that you don’t have any more unpleasant skeleton in your cupboard, persuade himself that his initial guts, feelings about you, are still right as well as overcome his sense of hurt at your attitude.
Whatever thinking you have to do, ensure it is done quickly to prevent someone else telling him about your child before you have the chance to tell him yourself. You can bet if some busybodies give him the information before you do, it won’t be easy getting him to listen to you.
The best way to handle it at this stage is to first beg him on your knees for forgiveness. Make him understand that your reason was induced by fear of what his reactions would if he got to know when you first met that you are a mother of one.
Whatever his reactions are, don’t stop until you tell him the whole story of what happened between you and the father of your child. Tell him where the child is, your role in the life of the child as well as your current relationship with the father. He would definitely be interested in knowing this.
Continue by letting him know that you would understand if he decides to leave you as a result of what you had done but that he would make you the happiest woman on earth if he finds it in his heart to forgive you.
Don’t expect him to just gloss over the issue, he would need time to properly assimilate it and decide on it. Don’t forget that he also has the challenge of telling his parents and friends that his wife to be already has a child.
He has to first convince himself that irrespective of what may have happened in your past, you are the woman for him.
No matter the temptation, don’t attempt to hurry him into a decision. Let it come from his heart else you risk losing him to disappointments. You must let him learn to trust you again because you are now a total stranger to him based on what you held back from him.
One thing you can be sure of, if God has ordered the two of you to be together, he would eventually find a place in his heart to forgive you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been dating this man for seven months. He has even proposed marriage to me and I have accepted.
But there is a huge problem. I don’t know how to tell him about my past that I have a child from a previous relationship. I am scared I may lose him if he finds out.
Agatha, please help me because I don’t know how to go about it.
Debby.
Dear Debby,
Try putting yourself in the shoes of this man; how would you feel if after seven months of being together, you are just finding out that he has kept the vital information about a child from you?
Would you be able to trust him again? It isn’t just that you kept the information from him that would bother him but the issue of trust in its entirety that has been mortgaged by your refusal to tell him at the very wee hours of your first meeting.
The major question is why did you not tell him at the beginning about this child? This is going to his take when you finally tell him about this child?
Is it just fear that you would lose him or that you were desperate to have him and didn’t want anything that would drive him away from you? Could it be also that you weren’t too sure about his love for you or that you were too ashamed of your past to let him in?
Your refusal also calls to question the place of that child in your life. If this man of yours is a deep person, this might make him wonder at the kind of mother you are. No mother, no matter the consequences, denies her child even if it is one second.
Could it also be you deliberately kept the information from him till you are sure you have him where it would be difficult for him to back out?
These are questions you must quickly answer within yourself if you hope to convince him of your true intentions at not telling him from the onset.
In addition, whatever your reason is, be very honest with it since that is the only way you can defend whatever reason informed your not telling him initially.
Marshall your points very well before confronting him with the truth, the issue has gone beyond you having a child from a previous relationship to the twin issue of you keeping such vital information away from him and the credibility of your person.
Rather than deal with you having a child for another man, he has to convince himself that you don’t have any more unpleasant skeleton in your cupboard, persuade himself that his initial guts, feelings about you, are still right as well as overcome his sense of hurt at your attitude.
Whatever thinking you have to do, ensure it is done quickly to prevent someone else telling him about your child before you have the chance to tell him yourself. You can bet if some busybodies give him the information before you do, it won’t be easy getting him to listen to you.
The best way to handle it at this stage is to first beg him on your knees for forgiveness. Make him understand that your reason was induced by fear of what his reactions would if he got to know when you first met that you are a mother of one.
Whatever his reactions are, don’t stop until you tell him the whole story of what happened between you and the father of your child. Tell him where the child is, your role in the life of the child as well as your current relationship with the father. He would definitely be interested in knowing this.
Continue by letting him know that you would understand if he decides to leave you as a result of what you had done but that he would make you the happiest woman on earth if he finds it in his heart to forgive you.
Don’t expect him to just gloss over the issue, he would need time to properly assimilate it and decide on it. Don’t forget that he also has the challenge of telling his parents and friends that his wife to be already has a child.
He has to first convince himself that irrespective of what may have happened in your past, you are the woman for him.
No matter the temptation, don’t attempt to hurry him into a decision. Let it come from his heart else you risk losing him to disappointments. You must let him learn to trust you again because you are now a total stranger to him based on what you held back from him.
One thing you can be sure of, if God has ordered the two of you to be together, he would eventually find a place in his heart to forgive you.
Good luck.
Monday, March 7, 2011
She’s all I want as wife but her beauty…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I appreciate the way you give hope to troubled minds through your column. You are saving a lot of lives through this all-important column. I pray God blesses you.
I’m a guy of 21 years and there’s this girl, 22, I know she likes me so much and has never shied away from letting me know about this.
Although she has everything I would like in a wife but she is not very beautiful. My desire is to marry a woman who is beautiful. I fear I may break her heart on account of this flaw in her. I am anxious because I have this principle that a man should date only the woman he can marry. What do you think?
Troubled Mic.
Dear Troubled Mic,
At 21, you still have a lot of growing up to do in terms of emotional maturity to appreciate life the more. You are yet to get to that point in life when you would need to consider more than the look of a woman to make the right choice.
As you gather experiences in matters of the heart, you will discover that it takes more than the physical appearance of a person to give happiness. The essence of a human being isn’t in how the person looks but in how the person behaves.
Yes, it is advisable and the best policy not to date anyone you cannot get married to, this can only achieve the right results if you scale down on the physical beauty of the person.
Relationship and marriage unlike beauty pageants isn’t fuelled by the physical advantages rather it is framed around who that person is. Who a person goes a long way in defining how much happiness, peace and support that person is capable of giving to another person.
A person could have a very pleasant look on the outside but a real terror at home. As a young man just starting out, it is important you learn to place your priorities to avoid the mistake a lot of men before you made and they biting their fingers for it today.
What should concern you now is how to be this lady’s friend; create an opportunity to know if you both have what it takes to move on. It is also necessary to sound a note of warning here that you get your visions right.
In doing this, you must have a fair idea of where you are headed in the next 10 years from now. This would help you factor in the kind of woman you need to support your dream to reality; point you at the quality of the kind of temperament your woman must have at all times as well as the kind of strength she must have especially if you won’t always be around in the early years. If your vision is to build a successful business, you will need a woman who can function on her own without worrying you about little things such as electricity or minor medical bills. You will need a woman who can manage what she has without nagging you for more. Every man needs a woman who is patient to support his dream to maturity as well as who has the magic to transform a house to a home.
These are not achieved by looks but by dedication to her man and appreciation of her position as the woman in his life. The realisation that she is in his life to help him fulfill his mission on earth is what a man needs to help him move to the next level.
Every man needs the motivation provided by the support of his wife to make the difference in life. A woman who is only interested in her looks and not the character of her home will at the end of the day be a huge disappointment not only to her husband but her children too. Men may be the head of the home but the woman is the pillar that holds everything together. She therefore has to be strong to do this job successfully.
This is where the inner beauty comes into play. This is what gives the physical look its character, its skeleton of support. Every beautiful façade must have the right kind of inner support to remain indelible.
Your girlfriend may not be as beautiful as you want your woman to be but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a beautiful person within her. You can only get to know how beautiful she really is if you get close to her.
Have an opened mind about her. That you are friends with her doesn’t mean you are walking down the aisle immediately. Sail the boat of friendship; this isn’t complicating at all. Take each day as it comes, don’t make promises you may find difficult to keep until you are sure she of the person behind the mask.
A little step at a time helps stabilise so many things.
Dear Agatha,
I appreciate the way you give hope to troubled minds through your column. You are saving a lot of lives through this all-important column. I pray God blesses you.
I’m a guy of 21 years and there’s this girl, 22, I know she likes me so much and has never shied away from letting me know about this.
Although she has everything I would like in a wife but she is not very beautiful. My desire is to marry a woman who is beautiful. I fear I may break her heart on account of this flaw in her. I am anxious because I have this principle that a man should date only the woman he can marry. What do you think?
Troubled Mic.
Dear Troubled Mic,
At 21, you still have a lot of growing up to do in terms of emotional maturity to appreciate life the more. You are yet to get to that point in life when you would need to consider more than the look of a woman to make the right choice.
As you gather experiences in matters of the heart, you will discover that it takes more than the physical appearance of a person to give happiness. The essence of a human being isn’t in how the person looks but in how the person behaves.
Yes, it is advisable and the best policy not to date anyone you cannot get married to, this can only achieve the right results if you scale down on the physical beauty of the person.
Relationship and marriage unlike beauty pageants isn’t fuelled by the physical advantages rather it is framed around who that person is. Who a person goes a long way in defining how much happiness, peace and support that person is capable of giving to another person.
A person could have a very pleasant look on the outside but a real terror at home. As a young man just starting out, it is important you learn to place your priorities to avoid the mistake a lot of men before you made and they biting their fingers for it today.
What should concern you now is how to be this lady’s friend; create an opportunity to know if you both have what it takes to move on. It is also necessary to sound a note of warning here that you get your visions right.
In doing this, you must have a fair idea of where you are headed in the next 10 years from now. This would help you factor in the kind of woman you need to support your dream to reality; point you at the quality of the kind of temperament your woman must have at all times as well as the kind of strength she must have especially if you won’t always be around in the early years. If your vision is to build a successful business, you will need a woman who can function on her own without worrying you about little things such as electricity or minor medical bills. You will need a woman who can manage what she has without nagging you for more. Every man needs a woman who is patient to support his dream to maturity as well as who has the magic to transform a house to a home.
These are not achieved by looks but by dedication to her man and appreciation of her position as the woman in his life. The realisation that she is in his life to help him fulfill his mission on earth is what a man needs to help him move to the next level.
Every man needs the motivation provided by the support of his wife to make the difference in life. A woman who is only interested in her looks and not the character of her home will at the end of the day be a huge disappointment not only to her husband but her children too. Men may be the head of the home but the woman is the pillar that holds everything together. She therefore has to be strong to do this job successfully.
This is where the inner beauty comes into play. This is what gives the physical look its character, its skeleton of support. Every beautiful façade must have the right kind of inner support to remain indelible.
Your girlfriend may not be as beautiful as you want your woman to be but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a beautiful person within her. You can only get to know how beautiful she really is if you get close to her.
Have an opened mind about her. That you are friends with her doesn’t mean you are walking down the aisle immediately. Sail the boat of friendship; this isn’t complicating at all. Take each day as it comes, don’t make promises you may find difficult to keep until you are sure she of the person behind the mask.
A little step at a time helps stabilise so many things.
Sexual inexperience is killing my marriage
With Agatha Edo, Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Kindly tell my wife and I what to do to improve our sex life. As a man, my organ is small and my performance cannot last more than five minutes. My wife, on the other hand, is near frigid. She doesn’t contribute a thing to our lovemaking. She leaves the entire job to me.
Our marriage is two years old. I am already thinking our marriage is a mistake. This isn’t what I envisaged when I got married.
Although we both got married as virgins, I believe that lovemaking should be more fun than it currently is between my wife and I.
Deep inside me I feel something is missing in our marriage. I am seriously itching to know what it is.
Please help me.
Frank.
Dear Frank,
Doubtless, sex is fundamental in every marriage. No marriage is able to survive the rigours of two strangers living under the same roof without quality sex.
Your problem is not just about the size of your organ as a man but that of you two, knowing what to do with your bodies. More often than not, size is not as important as knowing the techniques that help a man satisfy his woman as well as his own desires. Size has always been a problem for men. It is either it is too small or too large. For most women, it is a matter of making do with what is available and not a matter of having the perfect fit.
The key to a happy relationship is for you and your wife to be happy with what God has given both of you. You must learn to be proud of what you have if you want her to be comfortable with it. The moment you begin to exhibit inferiority complex about what size you were given, it won’t be you itching to go out for excitement; she would be the one complaining of lack of satisfaction and a thirst to experiment outside. This is why you should learn to manage your situation as a man.
Since she has no record of previous performance to compare with yours, you just have to stop complaining and look for positive ways of ensuring you and her enjoy the liberty of your age and status as a married couple.
As a man, it is your duty to teach your woman how to please you and not the other way round especially as you are her first and only lover. If she is dormant, it is because you haven’t given a reason to be active. It is also a reflection of your knowledge of the game as well as your inability to bring out the woman in her.
More often than not, when a man complains about the failure of his woman to satisfy him in bed, he is unwittingly complaining of his inability to carry his woman along. To make a woman happy in the bedroom, the man must have an understanding of what the woman wants. He must also have a liberal mind, one that would help him give the woman the kind of support to freely express herself.
Frankly, your size isn’t the issue here. Before the advent of plastic surgeries, a lot of men have had to cope with whatever size their packages come in. What you need is a fair knowledge of what lovemaking is all about. You must understand the simple fact that a complete package has different components that help a couple achieve premium satisfaction and each of these are added value to the real thing. The fingers are very explosive tool that can do up to 90 percent of the work before the real thing happens. Just like the fingers, the tongue too does a great job in the rating of the overall performance.
The things here are the willingness of the couple to let go of foundational beliefs as well as the spirit of adventure to explore each other’s bodies.
To help increase your time and by implication your performance, rely more on the use of your fingers and tongue. By the time you are ready for the real thing, your woman would be ready to peak which means both of you would be reaching that point at about the same time.
Because she has been properly stimulated, she won’t even notice if you are pint-sized or not. All that would matter to her at that point is for you to complete the little job left that your hands and tongue have almost finished.
Quality lovemaking requires time, devotion as well as a spirit of adventure. If you and your wife refuse to leave whatever beliefs you came with into your marriage behind, both of you will continue to suffer deprivation in the area that matters most in marriage.
Even if you go outside your marriage, at the end of the day, it still won’t resolve the issue of lovemaking between you and your wife until you overhaul your attitude entirely. It must be done with sincerity as well as the fear of God. To do otherwise is to break up your marriage.
To help get you and your wife out of this situation, you both have to sit down to discuss the value of your intimacy in your union. In discussing this, both of you must come to the meeting with the clear understanding that it is not dirty and forbidden for married couples to enjoy sex. You must understand that it is the right of a married couple to introduce dimension that would help them appreciate the essence of this special gift from God.
Importantly, as human beings, we are given the liberty by the power of our imagination to interpret it to suit our moods and demands.
Once you both are able to appreciate that there is nothing sinful for a married couple to enjoy their intimacy, it becomes easier for other dimensions of the game to be introduced and discussed. It also helps in drawing out the importance of sex to a married couple. With this comes a realisation that sex can be used as an effective communication tool between a couple as well as a good barometer to gauge when extraneous matters creep into it.
Sit her down to discuss her fears, disappointments, pains, wishes and expectations. Every woman has a secret wish. Despite marrying as a virgin, she must have nursed an idea of how she would want her sex life with her man structured.
This is something you should find out. It would help you find out what appeals to her as well as what you should do to draw her out of her shell. Once she is able to come out of her shell, your efforts would be made easier. The reason for the discussion is to build a new life together, to share each other’s dream as well as agree on what is achievable in all the options available.
There is also the need for you both to help your knowledge by watching adult films and reading up literature that would help both of you get your rhythm right.
Always have it at the back of your mind that there is no better woman out there than your wife and that you can help her be an expert like any mistress.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Kindly tell my wife and I what to do to improve our sex life. As a man, my organ is small and my performance cannot last more than five minutes. My wife, on the other hand, is near frigid. She doesn’t contribute a thing to our lovemaking. She leaves the entire job to me.
Our marriage is two years old. I am already thinking our marriage is a mistake. This isn’t what I envisaged when I got married.
Although we both got married as virgins, I believe that lovemaking should be more fun than it currently is between my wife and I.
Deep inside me I feel something is missing in our marriage. I am seriously itching to know what it is.
Please help me.
Frank.
Dear Frank,
Doubtless, sex is fundamental in every marriage. No marriage is able to survive the rigours of two strangers living under the same roof without quality sex.
Your problem is not just about the size of your organ as a man but that of you two, knowing what to do with your bodies. More often than not, size is not as important as knowing the techniques that help a man satisfy his woman as well as his own desires. Size has always been a problem for men. It is either it is too small or too large. For most women, it is a matter of making do with what is available and not a matter of having the perfect fit.
The key to a happy relationship is for you and your wife to be happy with what God has given both of you. You must learn to be proud of what you have if you want her to be comfortable with it. The moment you begin to exhibit inferiority complex about what size you were given, it won’t be you itching to go out for excitement; she would be the one complaining of lack of satisfaction and a thirst to experiment outside. This is why you should learn to manage your situation as a man.
Since she has no record of previous performance to compare with yours, you just have to stop complaining and look for positive ways of ensuring you and her enjoy the liberty of your age and status as a married couple.
As a man, it is your duty to teach your woman how to please you and not the other way round especially as you are her first and only lover. If she is dormant, it is because you haven’t given a reason to be active. It is also a reflection of your knowledge of the game as well as your inability to bring out the woman in her.
More often than not, when a man complains about the failure of his woman to satisfy him in bed, he is unwittingly complaining of his inability to carry his woman along. To make a woman happy in the bedroom, the man must have an understanding of what the woman wants. He must also have a liberal mind, one that would help him give the woman the kind of support to freely express herself.
Frankly, your size isn’t the issue here. Before the advent of plastic surgeries, a lot of men have had to cope with whatever size their packages come in. What you need is a fair knowledge of what lovemaking is all about. You must understand the simple fact that a complete package has different components that help a couple achieve premium satisfaction and each of these are added value to the real thing. The fingers are very explosive tool that can do up to 90 percent of the work before the real thing happens. Just like the fingers, the tongue too does a great job in the rating of the overall performance.
The things here are the willingness of the couple to let go of foundational beliefs as well as the spirit of adventure to explore each other’s bodies.
To help increase your time and by implication your performance, rely more on the use of your fingers and tongue. By the time you are ready for the real thing, your woman would be ready to peak which means both of you would be reaching that point at about the same time.
Because she has been properly stimulated, she won’t even notice if you are pint-sized or not. All that would matter to her at that point is for you to complete the little job left that your hands and tongue have almost finished.
Quality lovemaking requires time, devotion as well as a spirit of adventure. If you and your wife refuse to leave whatever beliefs you came with into your marriage behind, both of you will continue to suffer deprivation in the area that matters most in marriage.
Even if you go outside your marriage, at the end of the day, it still won’t resolve the issue of lovemaking between you and your wife until you overhaul your attitude entirely. It must be done with sincerity as well as the fear of God. To do otherwise is to break up your marriage.
To help get you and your wife out of this situation, you both have to sit down to discuss the value of your intimacy in your union. In discussing this, both of you must come to the meeting with the clear understanding that it is not dirty and forbidden for married couples to enjoy sex. You must understand that it is the right of a married couple to introduce dimension that would help them appreciate the essence of this special gift from God.
Importantly, as human beings, we are given the liberty by the power of our imagination to interpret it to suit our moods and demands.
Once you both are able to appreciate that there is nothing sinful for a married couple to enjoy their intimacy, it becomes easier for other dimensions of the game to be introduced and discussed. It also helps in drawing out the importance of sex to a married couple. With this comes a realisation that sex can be used as an effective communication tool between a couple as well as a good barometer to gauge when extraneous matters creep into it.
Sit her down to discuss her fears, disappointments, pains, wishes and expectations. Every woman has a secret wish. Despite marrying as a virgin, she must have nursed an idea of how she would want her sex life with her man structured.
This is something you should find out. It would help you find out what appeals to her as well as what you should do to draw her out of her shell. Once she is able to come out of her shell, your efforts would be made easier. The reason for the discussion is to build a new life together, to share each other’s dream as well as agree on what is achievable in all the options available.
There is also the need for you both to help your knowledge by watching adult films and reading up literature that would help both of you get your rhythm right.
Always have it at the back of your mind that there is no better woman out there than your wife and that you can help her be an expert like any mistress.
Good luck.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
See love in her eyes, I can’t tell her…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a young boy, aged 26 years. There is this girl in my school. Although we are not friends, each time I pass by her, she would always stare at me. This has continued till the day I sent her a friend request on Facebook. She neither accepted nor rejected my request despite knowing it was from me. Not one to be discouraged easily, I sent her Xmas and New Year and other friendship messages but she still didn’t deem it fit to reply any of these. But each time I pass, she still stares deep into my eyes irrespective of the distance.
Agatha, I am confused. I really don’t know what she wants from me or what she is thinking of me. Please help me. I truly want this girl to be my close friend but I am too shy to approach her.
Omoghene.
Dear Omoghene,
What do you think she could possibly want from you? It is apparent this young lady wants friendship and has made it as obvious as she could possibly do without risking too much damage to her reputation.
The ball is now in your court. You have to overcome your shyness. As a man you cannot continue to hide behind the façade of the Internet. A time comes in the life of a man when he takes the bull by the horn. This is one task nobody or power of the Internet can do for you. It is one step into destiny as a young man of 26 years of age that you just must take with all the boldness it deserves.
She is ignoring you because she has stepped out of her bounds to make her likeness for you obvious. It can’t be easy for her to do what she is doing considering the moral implication of this show of boldness on her reputation.
If she has this amount of courage as a woman, what is stopping you from approaching her? The worst that can happen is for her to ignore you but that is not even enough to deter most men from pursuing the lady of their dream.
Apart from the possibility of her not having the time to go on the Internet as frequently as you seem to do, she may also decide to ignore it because it isn’t her style.
When next you see her, go to her. Tell her exactly what you have told me, that you want her to be your friend. As long as you are not proclaiming love to her on the first day, you can be rest assured nothing she says would hurt you. The trick is for you to keep everything friendly. Refrain from mentioning the fact that you have caught her staring at severally. Rather, compliment her on her looks, sense of style or anything other thing you find interesting about her.
In engaging her for discussion, pay special attention to her area of interest; this will endear you to her the more. If nothing else, she would see you as a friend she can trust and whom she knows, has an understanding of what makes her happy.
Friendship would also enable you study her at close quarters; get to know who she really is behind the mask. This would help inform you on how to proceed with the relationship. At any rate, once both of you have become friends, every other thing becomes easier to manage.
For now, take each day as it comes. Allow time to dictate the tempo of your relationship with her.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a young boy, aged 26 years. There is this girl in my school. Although we are not friends, each time I pass by her, she would always stare at me. This has continued till the day I sent her a friend request on Facebook. She neither accepted nor rejected my request despite knowing it was from me. Not one to be discouraged easily, I sent her Xmas and New Year and other friendship messages but she still didn’t deem it fit to reply any of these. But each time I pass, she still stares deep into my eyes irrespective of the distance.
Agatha, I am confused. I really don’t know what she wants from me or what she is thinking of me. Please help me. I truly want this girl to be my close friend but I am too shy to approach her.
Omoghene.
Dear Omoghene,
What do you think she could possibly want from you? It is apparent this young lady wants friendship and has made it as obvious as she could possibly do without risking too much damage to her reputation.
The ball is now in your court. You have to overcome your shyness. As a man you cannot continue to hide behind the façade of the Internet. A time comes in the life of a man when he takes the bull by the horn. This is one task nobody or power of the Internet can do for you. It is one step into destiny as a young man of 26 years of age that you just must take with all the boldness it deserves.
She is ignoring you because she has stepped out of her bounds to make her likeness for you obvious. It can’t be easy for her to do what she is doing considering the moral implication of this show of boldness on her reputation.
If she has this amount of courage as a woman, what is stopping you from approaching her? The worst that can happen is for her to ignore you but that is not even enough to deter most men from pursuing the lady of their dream.
Apart from the possibility of her not having the time to go on the Internet as frequently as you seem to do, she may also decide to ignore it because it isn’t her style.
When next you see her, go to her. Tell her exactly what you have told me, that you want her to be your friend. As long as you are not proclaiming love to her on the first day, you can be rest assured nothing she says would hurt you. The trick is for you to keep everything friendly. Refrain from mentioning the fact that you have caught her staring at severally. Rather, compliment her on her looks, sense of style or anything other thing you find interesting about her.
In engaging her for discussion, pay special attention to her area of interest; this will endear you to her the more. If nothing else, she would see you as a friend she can trust and whom she knows, has an understanding of what makes her happy.
Friendship would also enable you study her at close quarters; get to know who she really is behind the mask. This would help inform you on how to proceed with the relationship. At any rate, once both of you have become friends, every other thing becomes easier to manage.
For now, take each day as it comes. Allow time to dictate the tempo of your relationship with her.
Good luck.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
My husband wants more action
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me get out of this personal problem that is threatening my life and marriage. I am not gifted in the act of love-making and from all the signs I am getting, it appears my husband is already having an affair. While my husband likes impossible positions and heavy romance, I am a more practical person. I feel most comfortable with the orthodox positions.
We have been married for three years and he has always complained about my inability to meet up with his demands. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I have tried in my little way to please him but I end up regretting even the little attempts I make because he appears not to appreciate these gestures at all.
But with the threat of another woman, I am willing to learn but don’t know who or where to turn to. Besides, I don’t want people laughing at me.
I also want to avoid a situation where you confide in a pastor and he now comes to the altar to use as his topic for the day.
My husband happens to be very handsome. I come from a broken home and wouldn’t want my children to suffer what I suffered. Please help me. I do love him. I have kept praying but nothing seems to be working. I have this belief that only worldly people have sex the way my husband wants it.
Christy.
Dear Christy,
There is no contesting the power of quality lovemaking in a marriage. Without a sound and fulfilling lovemaking between couple, the tendency of the marriage surviving is questionable.
For any woman to keep her husband tied to her side, in addition to knowing how to cook and care for her husband and home, she must be good in the bedroom. For most men, this is important and the reason they have a wife at home. The average man is hooked on sex and is forever excited when the woman he is with is doing something new and exciting to him. Until the charm of new sex wears off, the original woman in his life has the task of bettering the other woman or risk losing him entirely to the sexual superiority of the other woman.
You don’t have an excuse not to give your husband the kind of sex he wants. It is his right to ask and have it, just like you also have the right to demand what you want from him. Once a woman gets married, she owes it to herself to improve on whatever it takes to keep her home. Having lived with your husband for three years and listened to his constant complaints about your limitations in the bedroom, you should have done something before he gets interested in another woman.
It is unfortunate that the thing that you are refusing to do with him, he is getting freely from another woman. You have only succeeded in making the efforts of keeping him happy more difficult for you, the issues now are how to get him off that woman and keeping him at home.
If you are serious about getting him back, it is time you threw away every prejudice you had about lovemaking. Begin by appreciating it is one of the best gifts God gave to married couples. Apart from its pleasurable side, it has the power to transform an ordinary relationship to a powerful one through its potent communication skills.
To use sex as a communication tool, learn to use your eyes, fingers and tongue very well. To get the full mental information about your partner’s body, you must explore every part of him with your fingers and tongue. This way, you get to know without too much words his excitements spots and his turn offs. Like a baby, your husband must be able to tell your fingers from any other finger. He must be able to feel, decode the message your finger and looks are passing in a very large crowd of people. By mere looking at him you too should be able to decode what he thinking and key into it. Both of you should be able to draw each other out, make the right connection in a crowd of millions of people without saying a word. With looks, a couple can make love. It is called mental lovemaking. This is the whole essence of lovemaking as opposed to what he gets from you now. Sex is animalistic while lovemaking is opium for the soul.
There is no way you can combine the power of lovemaking with sex if you are not ready to experiment and be adventurous. You must be ready to follow the lead of your husband as well as your own basic instincts. Just as the newly born infant instinctively knows where to direct the mouth to for food, so also is the knowledge of sex natural to the human mind. Everything you want to know about sex is etched deep inside of your mind. Your problem is that you allowed your reservations and disdain for sexual adventures rob you of your natural instincts.
When next you are with your husband, allow him to take you along with him. Don’t resist him, flow with him to wherever he wants to take you. This way you become elastic in his hands, he is able to manipulate you to the satisfaction of both of you.
If you allow yourself go, you won’t have to worry about the discomfort of the positions he likes or how to achieve these seemingly impossible positions.
By the time you are through with the study of his body, it would be easier for you too to add spices of your own to it. Once you are able to flow nicely with him, he would soon forget the other woman.
Aid the moments with secrets of your own aimed at personalizing you in his mind forever. Get yourself a nice perfume, one that is distinct, that his memory will store as you, buy cozy and sinfully cut nightgowns, don’t be shy he is your man so don’t hold anything back in winning and keeping him firmly at your side. Add excitements by taking your intimacy outside the bedroom to other areas in the house. Don’t be timid to be his woman in every way. If you don’t get your groove from him, who will you do it with? He can go out, you cannot; so do what you have to do to make both of you happy
Your former efforts didn’t achieve much because they lacked imagination and excitement he is looking for. For someone like your husband to be impressed it has to be a full scale package. You have to come out like the full grown woman you are and use what you have to get back what is yours.
It isn’t in all matters that prayers work. When it comes to the issue of sex, you have to be practical. Without you taking the steps that should be taken, there is nothing prayers can achieve. It won’t stop your husband from craving for fulfillment from his wife, stop his imagination from wanting more from the woman he married, and prevent his hormones from being on the overdrive.
It is his right to demand for quality sex from his wife. If God didn’t think it important in the first place, He wouldn’t have given it as a gift to married couples. So whatever religious thing you have against enjoying sex, bury it and move your sex life out of the sphere of spiritualism. The importance of sex lies in our gender, male and female. We need it to ensure the continuity of the world. And for humans, it isn’t just a story of assisting continuation of the world; it is a case of balancing the emotional stability of man. A good sex life produces the right frame of mind and mood for man to accomplish more.
An emotionally stable mind is a mind of great achievement.
As you have found out through your own mistakes, there are always women out there willing to give unconditionally what a man isn’t getting from his home. When a woman marries, pretences of being holier than the Pope should be dropped. Her mission is not to decorate her husband’s bed but to make it enjoyable for him and herself. Once a woman is married, no one expects excuses from her; she is expected to know what her mission is in her husband’s house as well as the knowledge to ensure she stays in there.
The solution to your man’s misbehavior is for you to take the right step in making him happy. That a woman has a child or children for a man isn’t enough reason that he won’t misbehave.
He has to be completely happy with everything around him for him to stay faithful and quality lovemaking is a very strong reason.
Prayers can only work after you have taken the practical step to recovery and not before.
Good luck.
Girls won’t let me be
Girls won’t let me be
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I must thank you for allowing us share our problems with you. I am 23 years old. I lost my parents 12 years ago. After their death, I suffered seriously as nothing was left for me and my three younger ones. My father’s family members took away everything.
To the glory of God, today I am an undergraduate and lacking in nothing. Now, ladies, some who know my rag-to-rich story, are all flocking around me. Different ladies daily call me on the phone and some making the bold demand of wanting to marry me.
Now, I don’t know what to do with them. I want to concentrate on enhancing my life and also helping my siblings. But these ladies are disturbing me and acting as distractions for me. Please help me. What should I do with them?
Joel.
Dear Joel,
Only the wise knows how to marry the heritage of the past with the development of the future. What you make of today would either justify your experiences of the past or make mockery of whatever lessons the past offered you in its wisdom.
That you are able to overcome the pains, disappointments and insensitivity of the past is commendable but what lessons did you come out with? If your experiences are positively etched, you would know that this isn’t the season to allow yourself be sucked into the adventure of female temptations.
At 23, you still have a long way to go in life. God has been merciful to you; allow His grace to become a legacy by remaining focused on the right path. Money is a visitor and spirit. It only has respect for those who invest it well. Just as suddenly as it comes, it can go if not properly managed. This is why you must be careful on how you handle success because it has a very short and fragile lifespan.
Women will never go out of fashion for any man who has the ink of success and scent of money. But your time of premium labour, when you have the intellect, drive and energy to run around is now. Don’t fritter it by the attention you are getting from these women.
Pause do think and ponder over this; close your eyes, imagine you without the success you are now. How many of these women do you think would still be interested in you? If that is too far fetched, your past is more practical. When you were down, how many of these girls looked your way?
What you are experiencing is a classic example of how success attracts. Many of these girls want to identify with you, not because they feel anything deep and sincere for you but for the simple reason that you have enough of what they want. Be careful, they are fair weather friends. Once they notice a clearer cloud, they would dump you like hot potatoes.
The best you can do for yourself and siblings is to help them become somebody in life. A tree doesn’t make a forest. If you don’t help stabilize your siblings, they will continue to be a problem to you in future. Overtime, resentment would set in and that would be the beginning of enmity between you and your siblings especially when they feel you had and refused to give them as much as they wanted.
By helping to establish their feet in life, you free yourself from long financial obligations to them. You would have taught them to fish rather than giving them fish whenever they come to you.
This should be your concern now. Apart from enhancing them educationally, if you have more than enough, ask them what kinds of businesses they want to go into. This, is to make assurances doubly sure that they have the right kind of base. Besides, your example is what they would pattern their lives after.
Being younger than you, they have the tendency to be influenced by anything you do. So, be careful of the kind of example you give them.
As for the girls, make it clear to them through your actions as well as words those things that are important to you now. Whenever they call to ask for a date, tell them that as a man you like making the first move and that for now, you are too busy with your studies and business to have time for a woman in your life. If you had been paying attention to them before, cut down drastically on the time you have for them.
And when the stubborn ones insist on your attention, turn it into an academic session, a sort of study group. By the time you do this twice, the message would have been communicated without you saying any word. A fun-seeking woman would not appreciate such a scenario and would promptly label you boring.
Importantly, you need the grace of God not to fall into temptations. So never leave the presence of God. The right woman would eventually come; the kind that would help preserve your testimony.
Good luck.
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I must thank you for allowing us share our problems with you. I am 23 years old. I lost my parents 12 years ago. After their death, I suffered seriously as nothing was left for me and my three younger ones. My father’s family members took away everything.
To the glory of God, today I am an undergraduate and lacking in nothing. Now, ladies, some who know my rag-to-rich story, are all flocking around me. Different ladies daily call me on the phone and some making the bold demand of wanting to marry me.
Now, I don’t know what to do with them. I want to concentrate on enhancing my life and also helping my siblings. But these ladies are disturbing me and acting as distractions for me. Please help me. What should I do with them?
Joel.
Dear Joel,
Only the wise knows how to marry the heritage of the past with the development of the future. What you make of today would either justify your experiences of the past or make mockery of whatever lessons the past offered you in its wisdom.
That you are able to overcome the pains, disappointments and insensitivity of the past is commendable but what lessons did you come out with? If your experiences are positively etched, you would know that this isn’t the season to allow yourself be sucked into the adventure of female temptations.
At 23, you still have a long way to go in life. God has been merciful to you; allow His grace to become a legacy by remaining focused on the right path. Money is a visitor and spirit. It only has respect for those who invest it well. Just as suddenly as it comes, it can go if not properly managed. This is why you must be careful on how you handle success because it has a very short and fragile lifespan.
Women will never go out of fashion for any man who has the ink of success and scent of money. But your time of premium labour, when you have the intellect, drive and energy to run around is now. Don’t fritter it by the attention you are getting from these women.
Pause do think and ponder over this; close your eyes, imagine you without the success you are now. How many of these women do you think would still be interested in you? If that is too far fetched, your past is more practical. When you were down, how many of these girls looked your way?
What you are experiencing is a classic example of how success attracts. Many of these girls want to identify with you, not because they feel anything deep and sincere for you but for the simple reason that you have enough of what they want. Be careful, they are fair weather friends. Once they notice a clearer cloud, they would dump you like hot potatoes.
The best you can do for yourself and siblings is to help them become somebody in life. A tree doesn’t make a forest. If you don’t help stabilize your siblings, they will continue to be a problem to you in future. Overtime, resentment would set in and that would be the beginning of enmity between you and your siblings especially when they feel you had and refused to give them as much as they wanted.
By helping to establish their feet in life, you free yourself from long financial obligations to them. You would have taught them to fish rather than giving them fish whenever they come to you.
This should be your concern now. Apart from enhancing them educationally, if you have more than enough, ask them what kinds of businesses they want to go into. This, is to make assurances doubly sure that they have the right kind of base. Besides, your example is what they would pattern their lives after.
Being younger than you, they have the tendency to be influenced by anything you do. So, be careful of the kind of example you give them.
As for the girls, make it clear to them through your actions as well as words those things that are important to you now. Whenever they call to ask for a date, tell them that as a man you like making the first move and that for now, you are too busy with your studies and business to have time for a woman in your life. If you had been paying attention to them before, cut down drastically on the time you have for them.
And when the stubborn ones insist on your attention, turn it into an academic session, a sort of study group. By the time you do this twice, the message would have been communicated without you saying any word. A fun-seeking woman would not appreciate such a scenario and would promptly label you boring.
Importantly, you need the grace of God not to fall into temptations. So never leave the presence of God. The right woman would eventually come; the kind that would help preserve your testimony.
Good luck.
Monday, February 21, 2011
She has all I crave, but her genotype…
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you for the innumerable advice you daily offer emotionally troubled souls. Please I am confused and badly in need of your advice on an issue that has been giving me sleepless nights.
I am 34 years of age and a self-employed graduate wishing to settle down. But for my business that has been experiencing one hiccups or the other, I would have since married. My immediate younger brother is already married.
My father, who is very eager to see I marry this year, introduced me to a 26-year-old lady last year. This lady has all I want in a woman and to cap it all, she is a virgin.
Just when I thought my dream of getting married to my ideal woman has finally come true, it turns out that we are both AS and can’t marry each other, medically speaking. To make matters worse, I had deflowered her before discovering our genotype problem.
Agatha, the love between us is so strong that we don’t want to lose each other. I am planning to get her pregnant so that our families can support our union. I am waiting for your advice.
Dear Desperate Man.
Dear Desperate Man,
Getting her pregnant to win over support of your families isn’t a solution to the medical problem you both have. The concern of your families is well placed. You can only consider your option if it comes from malice and is intended to deprive you of something you know deep down is yours.
In this case, their disapproval is entrenched in the consequences of what you are both contemplating. The after effect won’t be their concern as much as it would be yours. You and your woman would be the ones who daily face the fear of losing a child. Believe me their concern isn’t to deprive you of happiness but to ensure you don’t go into a union you would later regret when you are faced with the reality of caring for a Sickle Cell (SS) baby.
It can be very traumatic; some couples have had to go their separate ways when the burning feelings of love that made them ignore well-meaning concerns turns to hatred as a result of what they are going through with the child.
Their concern is for the child who would daily experience all sorts of discomfort, go through constant series of medical examinations, get denied the chance to play with friends, excluded from games children like to play as well as the pressure it would put on your marriage each time the child falls sick.
When things like these begin to happen, it is always easy for both of you to forget the passion of love and query God for allowing it to happen. If you have ever lived or stayed near a Sickle Cell (SS) person you will appreciate that it takes more than love for couples with AS to marry.
The trauma, headaches and heartaches are what your families are trying to prevent and not the love you both feel for each other.
Even though the blood group of a baby can be ascertained these days during pregnancy, can you withstand the emotional stress of allowing your wife go through abortion each time the foetus is discovered to be SS?
Until the time modern science is able to find a permanent cure for it, the wise thing to do is for dating couples with AS to part but that is not the absolute solution to your problem as long as you are both real enough to look at other areas. Granted, it is a painful process losing one you love so much but this situation is one that should not be sentimentally decided. This is the time for both of you to face reality and consider other options.
Sincerely, if you are both so much in love and cannot afford to stay away from each other, you both have the options of considering adoption in addition to having AS children. Once you are both able to have Sickle Cell free baby, you may consider adopting one or two more if you are keen on having a large family.
Rather than take the panicky decision of getting her pregnant just to force the hands of your families to accepting your decision to marry, you and your woman should first seek knowledge of the implications of your medical history. Go into the internet and find out what Sickle Cell really is and how it can be managed. Find out the options you both have as AS couple; discuss your fears and thoughts with your doctor who is in the best position to give you proper medical directions.
Knowing the now and future implications of the decision you are about to make is important key to your happiness later in life.
This way you both would be happy for the rest of your lives with the decision you take now. This is most important.
Good luck.
My brother-in-law forced himself on my sister
Dear Agatha,
Please, I need your help in resolving this issue before it boomerangs on me. My brother-in-law moved into our house sometime last year. He had a major disagreement with his wife and had to move out of the house. Efforts to get the wife to say something met with cold silence. His children too didn’t want to say anything on the matter. One thing was very apparent; the children supported their mother and my brother-in-law has called them bastards for doing that.
Until that moment, everyone in the family thought he owned the property, the money and was very responsible. It was when he moved out that it dawned on everyone that his wife was really the one providing for the family.
I wasn’t informed when the brothers and their mother decided he was coming to stay with us. I came back from work one day and found him at home. Though I wasn’t comfortable but I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. To be honest, all along I had been among those in the family condemning his wife and calling her all sorts of names. She is one woman who didn’t mix with other members of the family and appeared snobbish when she had the time to attend any family function. I didn’t like her much because she always kept to herself. I assumed this was because her husband was the wealthiest in the family.
Besides, looking at them from afar, one would naturally assume she is the difficult type and my brother-in-law the easygoing type.
How wrong human beings can be. His coming to my house actually opened my eyes to his behaviour. He is the kind of man who is loud, insensitive, dirty and acutely irresponsible.
Within a week of his coming to stay with us, he started dating a single mother of two, three houses away from ours. I got to know about this through my daughter who told me that the lady comes to visit them once we leave in the morning.
I didn’t know what to make of this until she told me that ‘big daddy’ always takes her to his room until evening.
After making sure I had all the facts, I came back home one afternoon to meet the two of them locked in an intimate embrace right in the living room. One would have expected him to be shocked by my appearance but he simply ignored me and continued with the lady.
I was furious but didn’t say anything. I phoned my husband who told me it was not my business; that being his elder brother, I should shut up.
That incident passed. I refused to say anything on the matter after the way my husband spoke to me.
I later got to know that he dumped her for another single lady who works in a bank. I was forced to report the matter to my mother-in-law when I learnt the two ladies fought over him right on the street. If I expected my mother-in-law to be offended by his behaviour, I was disappointed. She told me to mind my business and stop listening to gossips; that at 48, her son was too young to be without a woman in his life.
I didn’t like what was happening but my husband and his mother weren’t ready to help. I didn’t know who to turn to in the family so I decided to keep to myself as much as possible. I wasn’t happy anymore in my home until my sister called to say she was coming to stay a few weeks, I was happy.
She was waiting to gain admission into the university and has always been the good girl in the family.
Agatha, can you imagine my pains when my brother-in-law forced himself on her, deflowering the innocent girl right under my roof? When I came back from work to find my sister’s pride taken away, it was too much for me. I went berserk and slapped my brother-in-law. This is now my albatross.
Instead of my in-laws to discuss the issue of my sister’s defilement by their son, their focus is now my assault of their eldest son and child. Painfully, my husband who should be embarrassed by what his brother did to his sister-in-law says I should pack out of the house pending the time the issue will be resolved. His mother is also toeing the same line.
My mother is very angry and threatening to sue if my in-laws insist on their line of action.
Agatha, there is so much confusion in my home and family and I am at the centre of it all. I recently found out that the problem between my brother-in-law and his wife had to do with him sleeping with her best friend and her younger sister. If I had known, I wouldn’t have made the mistake of bringing my sister to my house. The most painful aspect is that my husband knew all about this and kept it from me.
Please, I don’t know what to do. Much as I don’t want a broken home, I just cannot turn my back on my sister. What do I do? Leave my home as my husband and his family are insisting I do or stay back and apologise to the man who should be pleading for forgiveness from me and my sister?
Katherine.
Dear Katherine,
This is tough as you are between the devil and the deep blue sea. This is the best time to seek the face of God. There is no way you can achieve much on your own without the help of God.
Anger won’t help you at all. Any attempt to hold on to your anger would prevent you from thinking rationally. If you are not careful, you will make a mistake, one you would later regret.
One thing you should prevent is the break up of your home. Obviously your husband lacks the will to resist whatever foundational challenge is enveloping his family.
He would need you to liberate him from the claws of this invisible force. I am sure until this moment, your husband hasn’t done anything to offend you or given you a reason to regret marrying him. For these kinds of things to be happening, you need to be careful and reflect deeply on the developments in your husband’s family. If you leave, your marriage would be the second one to collapse within two years. It is not a nice record for your children because it is their family name that is involved.
The wisdom of this is to apologise for slapping him. Even though he deserves to be slapped, the fact that he is your brother-in-law, your husband’s elder brother, this is the reason the family is taking a stand against you. Had you handed the issue over to your husband when you found out what his brother did to your sister, he may have behaved differently. Slapping his elder brother, irrespective of what he has done in the opinion of your husband means he is incapable of handling the matter.
Frankly, this could be the reason he is refusing to fight on your side since you have through your actions denied him a say in the matter.
To neutralise the hold of the family over him, you have to seek him out in the middle of the night, after you must have prayed to God to grant you grace. Start by reminding him of your love and respect for him and his family. Follow this with an apology to him for taking laws into your hands by not first informing him of what his brother had done to your sister. Let him know you did it on impulse because the sight of your sister’s condition infuriated you.
The essence of this is to ensure, you get him back on your side. Once you are able to win him back, the matter would be easier to resolve. Your husband’s fight is one of ego and not one of insensitivity to what his brother has done to your sister. He is simply hurt that you didn’t consult him before slapping his elder brother.
The moment you settle with your husband, you have secured back your home from his family. The resistance against you would be watered down completely by the lack of support from your husband.
Frankly, you left the issue of your brother-in-law too late. From the moment he started misbehaving, you should have gone on your knees to pray him out of your home. You must learn how to pray your home out of slimy waters like this one. Your strength as a woman and mother are on bent praying knees. You shouldn’t have brought your sister to stay under the same roof with a man who has no decorum when it comes to women.
As for your sister, take her to see a doctor immediately as well as enroll her for counselling to be able live normally again. If your mother makes good her threat to report the matter to the Police, it would only complicate things for everybody. Because of the delicate nature of her assailant, this is one case all of you must resolve to bury. Though your sister is the greatest loser here but it would save you from greater problems at the end of the day.
Good luck.
Inability to let go her past threatens my love for her…
Dear Agatha,
God bless you richly for your wise and loving counsel on different issues bothering on very sensitive areas of life. I met this girl at a wedding in July 2009. I was the best man while she was the chief bride’s maid. I asked her out and she accepted.
She told me she has a school boyfriend and pleaded with me to give her time to sort herself out with the guy. I agreed to her request. After some months, she called to let me know that she is no longer going out with the boy. But the problem I’m facing now is that, any time she comes to Lagos to visit me, the boy will still be calling her on phone and thπe manner in which they will be talking tells me that they are still together. But she keeps assuring me they are just friends now.
There is also another guy who calls her all the time. The impression she gives me of this guy is that he is interested in her while she isn’t, that she sees him as a friend. There was a day I was going through her phone, I saw a text message she sent to this guy at the end of the message she wrote that she loves him. When I confronted her with this, she told me the guy assisted her with money and that was what informed her sending the message to him. I’m confused. I don’t know if she is faithful or she is just playing with my intelligence. I love this girl to the extent that I want to marry her. I am 34 years old, while she is 23 years. She is a final year student in one of the universities in eastern Nigeria. Please I need your advice.
Vicky Jnr.
Dear Vicky Jnr,
Don’t rush anything with her. Take each day as it comes. This attitude would enable you to get to know her more than you do now as well as integrate trust into the relationship.
Every young girl has a number of men interested in her. For certain reasons, some of these men would never leave her life no matter how much she tries to discourage them. They end up being permanent friends and helpers to each other. I am sure you also have females in your life that you started out liking but ended up being just friends. That these men are calling her isn’t the same as she is dating them.
The endearments we use in addressing people close to us come from our own disposition to life. If she is the liberal minded person and as a show of appreciation for helping out of a difficult corner, the endearment may be a show of gratitude than for any romantic feelings between the two of them.
You can only be sure if she is telling the truth if you are both matured enough to handle this matter without suspicions. One way is to ask to thank him for being very supportive of your girlfriend. Don’t do this because you want to find out if she is telling the truth or not, but because you are desirous of being friends with those who are her friends. Do this without prejudice. If she resists, don’t push, drop the issue for a while before taking the steps of discussing your observations with her. In discussing your feelings, don’t make it appear as if your aim is to unearth whatever it is she is trying to hide even if that is precisely what your intentions are.
Every relationship needs a great measure of trust to be fully lubricated. Don’t lose sight of the salient fact that before you came into her life, she had people in it just like you before you met her. If these calls really bother you so much, it is not just letting her know, outline the damage they are doing to the relationship as well as the fact that you may not be able to cope with it anymore.
However there is an issue you should address with all the seriousness it deserves. Why would she go to another man to pay her way when you are in her life? Is it that she doesn’t have the freedom to approach you for financial help? Did you know she was in need for money for something?
Whether we like it or not, when a young lady is desperate for money and the man in her life isn’t forthcoming, she is exposed to all sorts of temptations from other men. At the point of desperation, it takes only the grace of God for her not to fall prey to the many temptations coming her way. If what she needs money for is such that has a deadline, the chances of her capitulating to temptations are high.
That she went outside of you to source for money underscores a relationship that has not fully berthed. Even if you don’t have to give her, you should by right be the first person for her to come to. That you didn’t know anything about her need and subsequent solution to it means you both need to sit down to either discuss your relationship or re-evaluate it altogether.
When a pair is in a relationship, everything should be the concern of the other. Trust is a two-way thing. Nothing should hold back the other person from seeking the help of the other. That she didn’t tell you, confirms that trust is in very short supply in your relationship with her.
So, it is more than the issue of you not trusting the nature of her relationship with these other men to nature of your relationship with each other. It is only when you resolve the thorny issue of the quality of your relationship with each other that you can both talk about all the other distractions you are facing with third parties.
You may have the intentions to marry her but are your intentions transparent to her? Are your signals very strong enough to warrant her to rely on you completely? Every word needs an action to give it life.
Above all both of you need to search deeply into your minds to know what you want from life first and each other secondly to be able to move on with this relationship. You both must be ready to invest yourselves into each other’s life to make it give this relationship the boost it deserves.
One thing you should never do as a man is to search through your woman’s phone. It demeans your status as the leader of the team as well as erodes your confidence as the man in her life. Maturity is allowing things happen in their time and season. If any woman is cheating on her man, the evidence of her unfaithfulness would eventually manifest and certainly not by going through her messages.
If she has the confidence to take these calls while with you, these guys may not be the real threat. The real threats are the phone calls that would not be answered or taken in the bathrooms or some isolated places. When searching for a clue to one’s partner’s unfaithfulness, look for them in the things that are not being done rather than the ones that are being done.
Furthermore stop acting desperate. Only an anxious man would go through a woman’s phone. Learn to be confident in your abilities as a man. Every relationship has its strength as well as weakness. Learn by heart what is the strength of your relationship with this woman, and hold on to it jealously. If she is meant to be yours, she will eventually be.
Good luck.
God chooses her for me; she thinks the contrary
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I have been in love with a lady for seven years without any problem. We like each other and have agreed to marry. However problem started two years ago when she began to date another man, a development which led to her ignoring me completely.
I have asked God to bring another woman my way if she isn’t His choice for me but my spirit keeps telling me she is my wife but she simply refuses to listen to me anytime I approach her. Please what do I do?
Mr. Worried.
Dear Mr. Worried,
Why did she leave you after seven years for another man? Was there or has there been any disagreement between the two of you? What happened to your seven year old dream?
One thing is to feel it down in your spirit that she is the right one for you; another thing is to be ready to make the sacrifices that come with entrenching an enduring relationship.
Seven years are enough for both of you to have understood yourselves very well. At that age, your relationship shouldn’t be having the problem of abandonment whatsoever.
What went wrong between the two of you? What did you two do to help stabilise the relationship? What were your own faults and how did you treat her as your woman? A lot of time, when a woman leaves for another relationship, it may not necessarily be because she is promiscuous or greedy, it may just be because her former man didn’t give her the kind of attention and care she needs as a woman.
You may not realise it at the time she was with you but if you want to do yourself a world of good, take a step back in time to the beginning of your relationship with her. Go through every page of your seven years together. Take the time to pay detailed attention to those years, her constant complaints about you? The things she didn’t like as well as the quality of happiness you were able to give her!
Deep down and in retrospect, would you say, you were very fair to her? There are so many things we do without us realising its implications until it is too late.
Everyday is however a new opportunity for us to make amends in life. Whatever it is you haven’t done right with her, you have a new chance of doing right with another woman or with her if God says you two are meant to be.
But the important thing now is to hear clearly from God. It is about what you feel but what God is saying is good for you. If she has given her commitment to another man, the right thing is for you to step aside and allow them be. To continue to hang around in hope that she would come back to you after two years of walking out on you is to deny yourself a chance at happiness again. Whatever made her decide against you after seven years must be strong and needs addressing in your life to help you in your new relationship.
Your concern now should be not to make the same mistakes you made with her with another woman. Some things are not just meant to be in life no matter how much we desire them.
She will continue to ignore you because she has found happiness with someone else and wouldn’t want you to destroy it. The best you can hope for from her is to be your friend but not when the issues that informed her leaving you appears to be still hurting her. It appears like a case of you crying over spilt milk. When appreciation comes too late in a relationship, a whole lot of things may have been damaged beyond repairs.
By waiting in the wing hoping her relationship with her new man falls into pieces isn’t a solution. Rather, you should let go and pray the right prayer to God for intervention in your own life.
You are not hearing clearly from God because your mind is preset into having her back at all cost. You can only hear from God when you are quiet and patient enough to give Him the opportunity to speak to you. This means your hurt, disappointments, and desperation must give way to appreciation of the ways of God.
God doesn’t make mistakes. Give God all the glory that this break up didn’t happen after you have married; that would have been very devastating and its consequences very difficult to untangle from. That it happened before you both could say I do, should be viewed by you as an act of God’s divine mercy. Listen to Him with patience.
Good luck.
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