She Can’t Even Wait Six Months…

Dear Agatha,

Before I left Nigeria, my girlfriend and I promised to marry. Because it wasn’t possible for me to come abroad with her, she promised to wait for me. That was just six months ago. 

Despite sending money to her and her family to augment her school fees and other sundry expenses, I learnt she has started dating my best friend’s brother. Although she is begging me to forgive her, I find the whole development disappointing and uncalled for, making it impossible for me to continue the relationship with her. 

Meanwhile, there is this old friend from secondary school I reconnected with on the Facebook. We have been communicating regularly. She promised to visit my family even though I have officially told them about her on phone. Known to my sister, she has promised to be faithful to me. I am confused. Hence need your help on the right step to take.  

Gentle Boy.

Dear Gentle Boy, 

Follow the dictates of your heart. But be careful you are not replacing one form of disappointment with another one. The challenge of long distance and Internet related relationships is that couples tend to put their best foot forward, concealing the troubled aspects of their character from their partners. 

Granted you and this lady went to the same secondary school, but certain things may not be the same about her like you remember them to be. 

It would be so disappointing if after waiting, you both discover that the two of you cannot be an item. Therefore, there is the need for both of you to keep the line of communication very open, not promising each other anything but very good foundation of friendship to see how things go before contemplating something serious. 

Besides, you are just quitting a relationship. going into a new one almost immediately will not only call to question your real reason for the action you took but would deny you of the essential opportunity of healing from the disappointment of the previous one. 

For now, it is in your best interest to take stock of the mistakes you made both obvious and otherwise in your previous relationship. You may think the fault is entirely hers, but if you care to look deeper, you too would have unwittingly contributed to it. I say this so you don’t keep repeating the same mistake in your successive relationships. 

By taking your time to study her, you insure the future properly for whatever you are to make out of this relationship. This is not to say she cannot go and visit your family as your friend, but until you both meet to discuss the important things about yourselves, the past and the now of your persons, continue with her as a friend. Any discussion that has to do with one’s choice of a partner has to be treated with all the seriousness than you are giving this issue. Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong image only to discover too late that a major mistake has been made. If both of you are meant to be, no matter how long it takes, you will end up as an item and if not, no matter how much you desire it, crave for her, it will never happen. So learn to depend more on God than your own wisdom.

Good luck. 

My Wife Says She Loves Me Not

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your efforts at restoring troubled homes and relationships, may God reward you abundantly.

I am married with two children. But my problem is my wife who has repeatedly told me she doesn’t love me. She doesn’t like accompanying me out insisting that my aim is simply to show her off. For five years now, she has never asked me about my parents, we only travelled to my home town last year since we married 2004.

She doesn’t have any respect for me and has the attitude of disobeying my orders. I have tried several times to find out what the problem is, but she has no reasonable answer to give me. We fight almost every time because of her nagging and disrespect. We are not from the same state, she sees me as being inferior to her.

I am planning right now to end this relationship by August this year when our last daughter will be a year old. I am an author and entrepreneur but this situation in my house has derailed me so much that I have lost almost everything.
I have given this situation a serious thought and know that this relationship is not leading to anywhere considering my purpose on earth. We don’t discuss issues together as couple and clearly lack any fixed plans for the future. I do all my planning alone even though I have a wife at home. 

Please I need your urgent assistance because I don’t like taking action alone without consulting people. She has packed her things out of my house severally threatening to leave my house.  

I have discovered several text messages from other men to her phone and mail box. Whenever I ask her who these men are, she claims they are on line friends but one of them sent money to her. I read the message on her phone.
What do you have to tell me please?
Collins.

Dear Collins, 

At what point did your living together as a couple suffer this setback? Have you always known she doesn’t love you? If yes, why did you marry her? Were you to give a fair assessment of this marriage, would you say the fault is entirely hers? And what makes her think you are only interested in showing her off? At what point did she begin to show rudeness to you? Do you realise that the problem isn’t with the marriage but with yourselves?

Like I often say, marriage is about the dynamism of the people involved. The outcome of a marriage has to do with the reason the couple went into it and what they hope to achieve. It is also a matter of what they can each tolerate as well as the practicability of the situation they find themselves in. 

I won’t tell you to quit because I don’t know how strong your feelings for her is and what your limits are but the truth is that for this marriage to continue, you both must sit down to discuss your massive differences. 

At the end of the day, reality would determine what you must do to salvage your happiness and pride first as an individual and secondly as a husband and father to your children. You can only be a good father and husband if you are happy as a person. This is the important thing to look at in this situation. 

A marriage is better than the paper that makes it legal if the two parties are contented with the choices they make of each other and willing to give the marriage the selfless sacrifice to make it work against all odds. 

When a marriage gets to this crossroads, the wisest thing is for the one who feels cheated, is aching from all the pressures of the other person’s indifference to sit back and think deeper. In your heart of hearts, what do you see of the two of you in future? 

This is the time for you to be brutally frank with yourself. Of what essence is this marriage to you? How has the woman affected you positively? What would you miss most about her if she leaves you? Do you think you will have any reason to regret whatever decision you will be making now?

At every point in time in one’s life, there is always a need for some critical decisions to be taken if one is to move forward. For marriage, it has to be continually evaluated to make it relevant to the couple in it. 

If a woman doesn’t hide the fact that she has fallen out of love from her husband, then it means there is a huge problem in the marriage. If she is getting text messages from different men as well as money, what is wrong is so fundamental it would take a genuine determination on both your parts to make things right again.

It is obvious trust, faith, love have all been mortgaged for other not good feelings in the marriage. By being truthful both of you stand the chance of redeeming that feelings that brought you both together; not just for your sakes both in the interest of the children you have brought into the world. 

No matter the reasons you give to justify your actions or she gives; the fact remains that other innocent lives are involved in this. These children are for now the most important; whose interest must be considered at all times; whose welfare must be paramount in whatever decision you take at the end of the day. 

They must not suffer your lack of ability to make things work for both of you or from the wrong decisions you took years back. Every effort must be taken by both you and your wife to ensure these children don’t become victims of the situation between the two of you. 

For this reason, you both must set aside your differences and talk not for yourselves but for those children who are too young to understand why their parents are not like others. 

To achieve this, you must pray for wisdom and strength from the one who is best equipped to provide you with the clear directions. Whatever, God tells you do.

Good luck. 

My Wife Lacks Respect, I Want A Second One

Dear Agatha, 

I want to use this opportunity to thank you for your time and advice; God will bless you.

I have been married for seven years with three daughters. I love my wife very much and believe in one family.

My wife told me to bring her young sister to Europe to live with us so that she can assist us in taking care of our children. Then my wife was expecting her twins. Against expectations, she didn’t help as expected when she came to Europe. She started dating my friend secretly, when it came to my notice I was really upset.

I registered my displeasure at the whole development to my wife, who said I don’t have the right to stop her sister from dating my friend. 

Although they are both married now; I didn’t like the public support given them by my wife. My wife and I had a big quarrel over the issue but for the sake of the marriage, as well as my children, I decided to let the matter rest. 

But the situation seems to degenerate everyday as my wife now puts the interest of her extended family before our children and myself. She puts the interest of her mother, brothers and sisters as top priority. I have severally tried to make her understand that the children and I are supposed to occupy premium place in her rating but she doesn’t seem to understand or appreciate my point at all. 

Because of the way she is carrying on, I doubt her ability to care for me and the children when I am old. I am 37 while she is 30 years of age. 

The problem I am facing now is my wife doesn’t respect me or treats me as the man in the marriage. It has been like that since we got married, I thought she will change but she seems to be getting worse, always wanting things her own way or that of her family’s. Members of her family actually want to be in control of everything. We dated for one year before we got married.

I have no father, having lost him when I was seven years of age. My mother is very old and has kept out of our marriage, insisting that patience is what I need to stay married to my wife. 

There is no point concealing anything from you. I went into an affair but ended it when my wife got to know and threatened to take the children away from me. Frankly, if I knew then what I now know about my wife, I wouldn’t have married her. 

It isn’t as if I am not doing well here. I have invested wisely in business and property both here in Europe and Nigeria. My twins are seven years of age while my last child is three years old.  

Agatha, I am scared of what will happen to me when I turn old. Although I don’t like the idea of polygamy, I am thinking of getting married to another woman. Please advise me.

Paul.

Dear Paul, 

What do you understand by the whole concept of marriage? Marriage is both a partnership and a way of life. It doesn’t do well when there is a sole administrator at the top or when there is recalcitrant deputy. The magic is the ability of both partners to merge their differences, tolerate what cannot be changed.

This is because marriage is a bouquet of happiness, disappointments, sacrifices, selflessness, tolerance, determination, patience, wisdom and plenty of faith to make it work. 

There is no marriage without its brand of challenges and offers of frustrations. You come with your own peculiar kinds of attitudes, as well as priorities just like she comes with hers. Both of you are coming with diverse histories which at some point must give way in the interest of the immediate family. 

Because you weren’t part of her initial life or she yours, time has to be invested to get to this point of harmonisation. To insist it comes instantly is to distort the natural order of things. 

Chances are your wife grew up in a family where they all take interest in the other person’s welfare; make an individual challenge the corporate business of the family. In this kind of family set up, it is always difficult for any member to go solo without getting support whether he or she likes it or not from other members of the family. Though you think it is a vice, interference in your family life, she thinks it is the right thing. This is her person, the complete product of the culture of the family you married into. What you see is part of the total quality that makes her so special to you. Even if you knew her for less the one year you both dated before you got married, somewhere along the line, she must have manifested this trait. The thing is that you just didn’t bother because you thought you could cope.

Rather than fight her or use it as an excuse to destroy your marriage, you must find a way of communicating your need of her, as well as your discomfort at the volume of interest in your family coming from her end.

Your mother is right, you need to be patient with her. Dating another woman will not resolve the problem you have in your marriage. Extramarital affairs have never been known to settle any marital problem instead, they only complicate the issues. What if the new woman turns out to have more vices than your current wife? End it and move on to another woman? The question is will you ever find a perfect person? Since you aren’t perfect it follows that no one can be. 

Like you, she too may not understand why you don’t want her to associate with her family members. If your friend and her sister did marry, your objections in the first place were misplaced. That ought to have told you that your objections and stance on her attitude may not be too right. That you also have to consider your real reason you don’t want her family members around. 

Sincerely, there is no way you can entirely keep her family out of your lives. You should be happy her sister got married to your friend, because through your efforts, two people are happy. It would have been a different matter if your friend and the sister didn’t end up marrying. Had you premised your objection on the consequences of your friend breaking her heart, it would have been a different matter. Sometimes the line between selfishness and concern is too thin for the other person to discern. Asking her to keep her family away from your marriage, could make you appear as selfish. It is imperative you clearly make your wife understand the reason for your attitude. 

On the issue of your wife not treating you like the head of the home, it is something both of you have to sit down and discuss without raising your voices. Let her know that irrespective of whatever success she has achieved or the kind of support she is getting from her family, she remains your wife and as the head of the home, she has to respect you. But for this to work, you must show respect for her feelings, as well as an understanding for her position. Most times when a woman is unable to express herself to her man, can’t seem to understand why he appears set in his ways, frustration could make her become rude without meaning to. If being close to her family is the major point of disagreement in this marriage, you have no problem at all except you are unwilling as a man to give this marriage what it takes to work. 

By going out of your way to befriend her family members, getting to know them would make living with this woman bearable for you. By the time you do this, getting her to listen to your need for prime position in her life would be easy because by then she would know that you are not trying to alienate her from the people she has known all her life but trying to create special moments for you, her, as well as the children. You have to give something first, to get her to listen to you. This is what leadership is all about. Respect works best when it is reciprocal and gotten naturally not forced.

God made both of you to compliment the other so go back to him for wisdom to lead your home well.

Good luck. 

She Denies Double Dating But…

Dear Agatha,
The problem I am about to share with you started last year when I went for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in Northern part of Nigeria.  While there I met a lady I fell in love with. We actually agreed to get married. 

Sometime last year, she left for Lagos where she actually lives. Almost immediately, I began to hear uncomplimentary stories about her. There were rumours that she keeps the company of a particular man and that they are always seen close to the house. 

Initially, I doubted the stories thinking they are malicious and intended to break us. 

But my initial confidence in her began to wane when she began to make some inexplicable visits to places I don’t know. 

For instance, in December last year, she travelled on the 23rd and didn’t return until January 3, 2010. When I asked where she went, she told me she went to visit her mother’s brother in Yola. 

Another time, she left for a nearby village. She came back with a very glamorous hairstyle decorated with very expensive beads. When I asked how she got the money for such expensive hairstyle, she said she did some jobs while there. 

In the same January, I saw her with the same man I have been told she is having affair with through the window of my room discussing. She came back when she noticed I have come back home. Since I wasn’t sure of what it was they were discussing or the nature of his visit, I pretended as if I didn’t see anything and went out again of the house. 

I went to stay in a place that gave me a good view of the house. Almost immediately I left she went back to the house behind my window where I earlier viewed both of them discussing. I waited for five hours before she came out of the house. Five minutes after the man left the place also.

When I asked where she has been throughout the time she was out, she told me she went somewhere with her brother. At that point, I had no option but to confront her with what I saw. Almost instantly, her story changed that she actually went into the house I saw her go into but that nothing happened between her and the man. She said she only went in there to discuss with the man and denied having anything sexual to do with the man. 

Agatha, she has kept denying having an affair with this man and each time she says it, there are tears in her eyes. Do you think she is innocent? Can I still trust her? I don’t want to make mistake, please advise me.
Maxwell.  

Dear Maxwell, 

You are the one close to her, what do you think? Do you think she actually spent five hours with a man in a closed room just discussing without sleeping with him? What was so important about the nature of their discussion that couldn’t have been discussed in your house with you in attendance or in the open where other people can witness what they are doing?

For them to have discussed for five hours underscored the seriousness of the issue at stake, shouldn’t she have first consulted, gotten your consent on the issue before going to see him in a closed room?

Who is this man to her? Why did she lie at first that she went out with her brother? What efforts has she made to introduce you to the man? Why is the man constantly around her? Why do people think they are actually having an affair? These are questions begging for answers from her. This is not a matter of you not wanting to make a mistake, but rather of you facing the reality of the messy situation you found yourself. 

Trust isn’t an abstract thing. It grows from circumstances we daily go through. If this woman claims to be innocent of what the rumours going on about her and this man; as well as what you witnessed, then she has to do a lot more than tears in her eyes to clear up the maze of confusion, suspicions and embarrassments her conduct with this man have created in your life. 

Deep down, what do you think? If you want to be very honest with yourself, do you think she is telling you the truth or simply playing you for a fool? 

Yes, a man and woman can have healthy platonic relationship but not one that leaves so many gaps like hers with this man. Why would a woman you are in a relationship with leave the house without telling you where she is going? Go on vacations without you knowing where precisely or come back to announce she went to work? When she was leaving for the visit, did she tell you it would include her working? What sort of job did she do while there and why did she do it?

The point is that you are not in charge of the woman you are in a relationship with. You are either afraid to face the truth about the kind of situation you are in or don’t even know what you have gotten yourself into. Even if she isn’t having an affair with this man she has created the suspicions she must work first at clearing before you can even talk of not wanting to make a mistake. 

It is either you are man enough to ask her pressing questions, what precisely is her occupation as well as her feelings for you. A woman that shows no scruple leaving her home for five hours to ‘discuss’ with another man in a private room shows a total lack of respect for your person. If you were the one dancing around a woman, goes off without her knowing where your destination is, how would she feel? 

While you have every right to love her and try to make the relationship work, be mindful of the kind of future you have in mind with her. You may think it is a situation you can cope with but it is always a different game when it comes to marriage. 

Frankly, sit her down for a thorough discussion. Ask her how she feels about the reputation she is acquiring for herself through her kind of lifestyle. Chances are that there are so many things she isn’t telling you about her feelings for you and that what you think you both have going on only exists in the figment of your imagination. 

Also what do you know about this woman? Are you sure you know enough about her to make you a good wife?

Marriage isn’t a simple thing. It is too complex and complicated for you to treat with such levity. 

Don’t short-change yourself if you have the power to bargain for something more positive for yourself now. Sometimes it takes more than love to make a marriage work. Love needs good character, respect and responsibility to make it work well. You don’t hold on too tightly to something out of fear it will go. If this woman isn’t yours, no matter how much you try to look the other way, she will definitely go. So stop worrying over a situation you cannot control that is firmly in the hands of God the creator who sees the end from the beginning. 

Good luck. 

Re:What Makes Moral Bankrupts Better Wives?

Dear Agatha,
Before going straight to the point I want to thank you for sharing what you have with anyone willing to learn. Apart from your obvious high level of education, you are clearly gifted in counselling. May God reward you for your selfless service?
I read your column of June 24, 2010; your response to the 33-year old lady who kept her virginity till she was 30, and was jilted by a man whom she said claimed to be born-again. 

Two questions arose in my mind. The first is: how can a girl who is so chaste and disciplined, a girl that kept her virginity for 30 years indulge in sex before marriage? I think that is where the problem came from. If the man that deflowered her was married to her, he would have been more patient with her inexperience.
The second question I have is: is it possible for you to give me her e-mail address or mobile no? You can seek her consent first. I want to be friends with her. She seems decent to me, decent ladies are not easy to come by these days. I know you are not into matchmaking, I will consider this a favour. I am 35, single male from Delta State.
Thank you once again and God bless you.
Sunny.

Dear Agatha, 

I read your responses to most questions and they make real sense to me, but I think your response to this particular writing would or should have been a little more intense to the writer.
A lady who should have been married with two kids or more just started dating at 30, and even after friends have spoken to her: then dated a born-again brother who thinks she’s not good enough in bed for him!
Please allow me say this: God isn’t punishing her but she has just not gotten the right man because she is comparing her friends to herself, meanwhile understand that God’s way is never the ways of man. Forget about him saying she wasn’t good on bed, that’s not real. Let me tell you, I’m a man and any man that loves a woman enough to marry her would go out of his way to teach her how to make love. Only a man who isn’t interested in the woman would after sleeping with her make such a flimsy excuse. 
When a man complains that sex led him out of a relationship, it simply means his partner no longer attracts his interest, and that mostly comes from other reasons.
Please, she shouldn’t be misled, the guy did the right thing by making his mind known, but the lady should look closely into herself, let go of some of those hard-lined ideas of hers and learn to appreciate any man that comes her way. She should be bold enough to make her choice and ignore whatever her friends think. This is because what God has in mind for her might be something bigger on the longer run. If she refuses the goal of the small beginning she might end up missing the overall benefit. She should understand there is always a reason for every situation we find ourselves.
She must appreciate that sex in marriage differs from causal sex. Unlike permanent sex, causal sex doesn’t leave any impression making it so easy to forget. In a faithful marriage you must learn to be satisfied with what your partner has to offer. You must first be interested in the person so that your spirit could be interested in his, that’s the only way you could have long lasting happy sex in marriage. Let her check her attitude against those men who come her way.

Dear Agatha
I am a Nigerian male, a Christian, and currently resident in the UK. I log onto the Nigeriaword.com, website daily to read Nigerian news in an attempt to be fairly up-to-date with the goings-on in my country.
 Consequently, I have found myself reading most of the ‘Dear Agatha’ letters and your often well-thought-out replies to the problems of those who seek your advice. Your replies are always very intelligently structured, very sincere, dispassionate and meaningful so much so that I created a special folder on my pc for all the ‘Dear Agatha’ letters and their corresponding advice published in the Nigeriaworld.com daily news website.
I am not kidding you. You are a brilliant and wise lady. One can only thank God for endowing you with such intelligence and wisdom.
 After reading your reply to the letter published June 24, 2010, I was stirred by the brilliance of your response to send you this e-mail just to say you are indeed a very great mind and a very great lady too.
I am a great fan of yours.
God will bless you.

Kenny

 

Dear Agatha,

I have neither written to you nor responded to your column in a long while even when I felt compelled to. This was largely due to an inexplicable systems error when it comes to sending inputs or responses to your paper that I have now resorted to my alternative - office mail address - to maintain contact.

 Agatha, you are one person that I believe is being used by God to assist people who ordinarily will not share such issues of life with their Pastors, be it male or female for fear of sanctions and all that. Your advice, most times, are down to earth and complete and at other times, you leave some things out. A case in point is this lady that lost her virginity at the age of 30 to a “staunch believer like herself,” but got abandoned still for another who she classifies as “morally bankrupt.” She, somewhere along the line, decided to rely on herself to get “a good husband” thereby leaving out the person that knows the very end from the beginning!

The lady missed something: God’s instruction concerning marriage! If she was married to that man before he discovered that she is a virgin, she would have been married already and it would have been the issue of her having to work on her ability to satisfy a man in bed and not that of him marrying another woman immediately! At this point also, the man would have had to be patient and equally actively involved in that process!

 Like you rightly pointed out. It is true that a cross-section of our “staunch believing” sisters lack basic manners, so bad that apart from being brothers and sisters you would not want to have anything permanent to do with them, even as a believer! Some, out of lack of knowledge, just being crude and rejecting all refining ideas and all, so much that even in marriage they become a bore in bed (sex) and other aspects of married life. I’m not suggesting going against the word of God in these, but “she who wants to be loved should endeavour to herself lovable, first!” These are some of the things that work against them a lot.

Remain blessed.

Essien. 

Dear Gbemi, 

So many people have requested to have your contact address. If you are interested please resend your e-mail and phone number(s) so I can give them or publish as you may wish to have.

Agatha.

Can I Blame My Wife For Our Childlessness?

Dear Agatha,
My wife and I have been married for two years now still looking up to God for a child. We have tried all options medically and we have been certified fit and compatible by different doctors yet we have not been able to conceive.
Recently I noticed that when we have sexual intercourse my semen drips out immediately. My wife admitted that it has been happening for a long time and that she couldn’t explain to our doctor.
I want to know if this is the reason my wife have not been able to conceive and if this is a problem we should look into. I will appreciate your professional advice.
Ben.

Dear Ben, 

If the sperms fail to get to the target, there is no way conception can be possible. Your sperms have to get to her ovaries for fertilisation to occur. Since various doctors and medical tests say there is nothing wrong with both of you medically, this could be a possible reason. Of course, in addition to stress and other inexplicable reasons, she hasn’t been able to take in. 

The wise thing is for her to tell her doctor. There is no hiding the truth from the doctor. It is the only way she can get help and the problem resolved. If she is medically fit but the sperms are coming out immediately after you ejaculate, the doctors would continue to insist on what the tests say unless directed by her to another possible reasons. 

Although a doctor friend of mine I discussed the issue with says she should elevate her bottom with a pillow each time you make love. There is the urgent need for both of you to see the doctor as soon as possible. 

Good luck. 

His Pay Can’t Run Decent Home

Dear Agatha,
May God continue to bless you as you solve people’s problem.  I thank God for the wisdom He gave to you.  Keep it up.
I have these problems worrying my life.  Since I got married, I have been the one bearing the financial burden of the family.  Before I married my husband, I asked him all the necessary questions about his finances as well as his social life.  He gave me the necessary assurances about his ability to take care of a family. Satisfied, I accepted him for who he is.
I married him thinking that by the time both of us combined our financial resources together, we would be able to move ahead. Unfortunately, things aren’t turning out as envisaged.
Immediately after the wedding ceremony, he started complaining of not having money. To be frank, I was a little bit disappointed with what I saw when I moved into his house, but I took it all in my stride trusting God that things would become better. But it is so disappointing that as I write things haven’t moved beyond the point I met him.
I advised him to change his job since it is not fetching him any money but he wouldn’t listen until recently he decided to do so.
There are so many important as well as essential things to be done but there is no money to do them. The little I am earning will not solve half of the problem.  I am so worried and I do not know what to do to uplift my family financially. I am a graduate while he is not. I am working in a one-man business. Please I need your sincere advice on how to solve this problem.
Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife,
For how long have you been married and how much faith do you have in your man as well as the marriage?
Life isn’t always the way we envisage. Many a time, we come across challenges meant to align us with the real plans of God for us. A marriage has to have history and character to excel. Whatever it is you are going through is meant to give you and this man the right kind of foundation to give peculiarity to your union.
Everything in life has a stage and to get to the next stage one requires a focus fuelled by determination to achieve. You cannot have everything in one day. If this man had everything in life, he won’t need so much in his life making it difficult for you to stamp your personality into his life.
You are meant to start on this scale with him to give him hope in himself and the union. Your presence isn’t by accident, but by the divine design of God to help both of you come to that special area God planned for your lives while living together.
As his woman, you are to encourage him, not nag him or remind him of his limitations. Everybody is entitled to his or her day in court; therefore this man is entitled to you hearing him out; his reason for the seemingly inactive life you think he lives.
You knew he isn’t a graduate before marrying him so that shouldn’t come to play now. You married him of your own accord and with the belief that it would work. That he isn’t a graduate or doesn’t have money now isn’t the same thing that he would never have. There are many families today where the woman is the one providing the most financial support. Such families are still happy and well put together because the woman despite her privilege position knows her limitations as well.
If you want this marriage to work, bury those disappointments you feel at the quality of life he is able to give you now and begin to make plans on how you can help. Accept the fact that it is what he can afford for now and limit your plans to what you have at hand and not what you wish to have.
Bear in mind that you are at the river of reality; where dreams are put on hold and the actuality given the freedom to exist. From what you have now, what changes can you bring about in your home? Look around you, what tangible thing can you improve on in your home? To help you, look for that object you feel most uncomfortable with and make plans to change it. If it is the only thing you do this year, it will at least give you some measure of happiness as well as the comfort to stay in your home.
Nobody gives happiness; it is something you have to get by yourself through the help of God.
Determination is what you need most in this marriage to make the difference. This is what would fuel you to pray and overlook the immediate to look into the future. If you believe in your marriage, it would be easier for your husband to succeed. All he needs is your support, which would also be an encouragement to you.
Good luck.

She Fails To Visit Me

Dear Agatha

I am 31 years of age dating a lady who is 27 years of age. Our relationship is about five years of age. However, there is one thorny issue in our relationship, one that has continued to give me headache. For the five years we have been together, she finds it difficult to visit me. Some of the excuses she gives for not coming to my place are considered flimsy. She has also done other things. I am hurt. 

Do I forget about this girl because this had been causing me sleepless night and look for another girl? 

NDD.

Dear NDD,

Sincerely, if this is all there is to your challenge, there is really nothing to it at all. And unless you both haven’t been honest to yourselves, this is a matter you should have long ago tackled with the maturity it deserves.

The first thing is why is she refusing to come to your house? Have you at any point in time asked why? What happened on those rare occasions she came? Did you try to force her to do something against her will? What is the premise of your relationship? What are her views about life? How have you both conducted the relationship all these years? What makes you think her excuses are flimsy?

Thinking her excuses are not substantial could be one of the reasons she isn’t comfortable with coming to your house. It is always dangerous to assume that you know better than the other person; to dismiss whatever the other person feels or has to say on an issue. Her excuses represent her personal fears, her feelings, thoughts and beliefs. To therefore dismiss as irrelevant whatever summation that comes out of all these is akin to saying the person doesn’t have a right to self opinion. 

If she is giving a reason to why she can’t come to your house listen not just with your ears but with your heart. If in doubt or suspects her of being insincere, ask further questions concerning the reasons she is giving. 

You must therefore take time out of whatever kind of jacket you have both put the relationship to break new grounds, talk about the last five years with a view of redefining the essence of the relationship. Perhaps there are things you both neglected to say at the beginning and have been shying away from discussing all these years, which have been affecting the growth of your relationship these five years. 

Unless you both have the boldness to bring these issues to the open burner, preferably the front ones, you will continue to experience disappointments in yourselves. 

She must have a reason for not trusting you enough to come to visit you at home. This couldn’t have started yesterday. It must have been a build-up of some past issues of wariness from what you have said or done. Look back and see where you have gone wrong because if a woman you have dated for five years is still doubtful about the nature of your person, it shows that something isn’t right about the way you have both conducted your relationship in the last five years.

Like I said earlier, your relationship ought to have progressed beyond this point but for some strange reasons; you both appear incapable of dragging it from where you started off five years ago. 

If you really love and want her in your life, sit her down to discuss as sincerely as possible. Ask what her fears are about you? Why she doesn’t trust you enough? What mistakes you have made with her as well as her general opinion about you. These would enable you know precisely what the challenges are as well as how to give her all the assurances she needs to trust you implicitly.

Again, she might also need that important assurance that you wouldn’t try to compromise her when she comes to visit you at all. Perhaps both of you didn’t agree on the kind of relationship this was going to be. At this point before you both take the decision to quit, have this talk. You may discover eventually that the fault is yours and take the steps to make the necessary amends. 

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart

I Need Igbo Man

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for what he is using you to do in our generation. I am a girl of 24 looking for a responsible man that is ready for marriage. The man should be God fearing as well as ready to settle down. I can be contacted through this email address. chikebaby81@yahoo.com. Importantly, the man should be Igbo by tribe. A non-Igbo man need not apply.

Re:

Dear Agatha, 

I read the story of Da Capone and his marriage to an older woman. Well, I want to encourage him with my own life story. Marriage is essentially about what works for one and not what works for the majority.

I am 27 years old while my wife is 38 years old. We got married last year December and she is expecting our baby now. 

When we met and made my intentions known; there were protests everywhere from friends and family members who didn’t know what I saw in an older woman. They refused to see what I saw.

Unable to sleep from the pressure of the society and my own feelings for this woman, I asked myself this important question, would the society come to live with me and my wife? Are they the ones who will live in my marriage or face the consequences of marrying the wrong woman? It was that night I made up my mind to carry on with my plans no matter what others thought of it. And you know what? I have never stopped celebrating God for the kind of woman He gave me for a wife. Despite what people said then, I am the happiest man on earth. All those people are now coming back to apologise for what they all said then.  I have a happy marriage; is like heaven on earth. You are doing great in your work. I encourage you to follow your heart and not be discouraged by people who have no inkling about your feelings for this woman.

Onwuchekwa

My Premium Partner Too Scary To Have Sex

Dear Agatha,
I want you to give me a practical solution to this problem.
I am a man who loves his wife and has been married for four years with two lovely children. My wife scores high in most departments and I’m happy for that, but my greatest problem now is that she is too frigid and indifferent to sex.
The happy home I have now hasn’t always been so especially during our first year of marriage. But because I’m the analytical type, whenever we are having a particular problem, I have always ended up resolving our problems pragmatically through dialogue where necessary and other measures as the case may be. My determination to always succeed in everything I indulge in has made me go extra miles to insure success in my marriage. My wife has also been very good, understanding, and complementary.
However this frigidity and indifference to sex on my wife’s part has reached an extreme level and this is the greatest threat to the lovely home I enjoyed till now. Unfortunately my wife doesn’t realise the great danger to our stability her frigidity and indifference to sex portend.
Before I married my wife, I knew that she did not indulge in love-romance-sex so much. She was and is still the responsible type. Though I was worried then, but I took that as a positive attribute to her because I travel a lot, so I wanted someone whom I could trust not to mess around whenever I am away. My calculations paid off very well, as she is a good woman.
However I underestimated the extent of her indifference to sex. Or rather I assumed that I could always teach her and make her to be able to satisfy me when we get married. That was my grave mistake now. Instead of my wife to improve or learn from me who has a lot of experience due to my rather promiscuous life in the past, she has actually retrogressed. She has practically refused to learn new techniques or methods of having quality sex; in fact she no longer does even the few things she used to do before we got married. After two children, her performance has increasingly declined making me the most worried man on earth. She simply would prefer we don’t have sex unless it’s when we want to make babies. She will always tell you she is tired. When she wants it, she will just lie down flat on the bed and you do all you like and get off her. If I demand for variations, she would complain of pains. I have never gotten any encouragement from her. She thinks having two children is too cumbersome and stressful, but we agreed to have four or five children. So I wonder what shall become of me when we have all the children we plan for.

It is so bad that I find it difficult to feel any excitement when I have the urge to be with her. 

Agatha, it isn’t as if we are old. I’m only in my early 30s and have been married only four years. If this woman’s total indifference to sex causes me to lose the ability to have sex even when I want it, I can’t accept it.
I love sex and my wife knew it before marrying me. I believe in moderation in everything one does, so was ready to control my sexual urges when I married her due to her nature. But I didn’t bargain for what I am getting now.
My wife is my best friend and I have discussed this issue with her over and over again. I have tried all I could to make her see reasons with me. Maybe because she knows am principled and that I cherish my lovely and peaceful home after the turbulences of the first year, she has taken it for granted that I would not want to rock the boat for something as flimsy, in her opinion, as sex.
She feels too comfortable in this marriage especially since she knows that I appreciate most of her attributes as a good wife. That is the problem.
My problem is that if nothing is done and I continue with this woman, I might forget to have any desire for my wife. I have been forced by her to go and seek satisfaction elsewhere. But I don’t want to have extra marital affairs neither do I want to mess around.
I consulted a trusted senior friend. After weighing the issue carefully he gave me three options I should choose from:
to be a born again, or even a pastor and thereby forget or think much less about sex. To get a mistress to take care of my sexual desires or get a second wife.
Unfortunately none of the three options is really the answer to my problem. Another friend told me to give my wife the impression that there is someone outside by sleeping outside the home for some nights. I have never done this since I got married. The idea is to make her come out of her comfort zone and fight for her marriage.
This option once worked when we were dating. She is very protective and once she realises she is about to lose me, she becomes desperate and ready to do anything to please me. She only relapsed when we got married. The problem with this option for me is that I have forgotten how to be irresponsible. How do I act convincingly to make her jealous and not destroy the good reputation I have built since getting married to her?

I also don’t want to get involved with a woman who would destroy my home.
Agatha, I think the last option will work for me, but don’t know how to execute it without hurting myself or my wife or family.
Please advise me on what to do. First, inform me if there is any other option I can use. But if you think my preferred option is good, please advise me on how to go about it without breaking my home.
Worried Husband. 

Dear Worried Husband, 

Have you considered the fact that your method of approach too may be faulty? There is no frigid woman only a bad lover. What have you done to get her out of her cupboard?

Granted some women are more responsive than others, but the fact remains that every woman needs a master lover to get her to perform at her premium best. You may have the experience, but do you have the technical know-how to get her out of her shelf without her even knowing how or when she did?

Lovemaking goes beyond the process of a man entering the woman and climaxing. It is like a book we read; study and get results from. She may be your best friend but you still don’t have a clue about her body. For both of you to exist as husband and wife, there must be a meeting of the body, spirit and soul. From what you have said so far, you don’t have the key to your wife’s treasury. 

You don’t have to wait for her to be ready for you or change her ways. Chances are if you adopt that attitude, she may never come out of her present state of mind to give you the kind of satisfaction you want from her. Also, the danger of not trying is what your friends are pushing into. Having affairs outside your home would only mess so many things up for you. Even if you pretend you are having these affairs when you are not, what about the psychological damage to your wife and children? 

By the time the repercussions come, it won’t look as if you were pretending to have these affairs. The problems will be real and messy. 

You have made a choice of the kind of woman that appeal to you so make do with the situation by using your imagination to fight the challenge you have in your hands.

No matter how indifferent or frigid a woman is the right touch in the right place can get her screaming for more. The time for talk is not now rather it is the time for action. Have you ever tried to investigate her body? Find out where her erotic zones are? Take her down memory lane; to the first time you both made love? It may not be much a memory to you but from your own admission, it was better than what you now have.

Can you remember what you did to her back then to make her so responsive? Unfortunately many of us, as we get deeper into marriage and each other, forget the potency of the fingers. The human body is wired to be inspired by the feel of touch. With the fingers you can get to discover what her pleasure points are. Begin from the scalp of her head to the sole of her feet. Don’t leave out any point of her body; while doing this, observe her different responses to the places you have touched. You will get all the answers from the drop in her voice, the muffled moans, the twinge, stiffing and total abandonment, you get to know the areas to apply gentle touch to, put all the pressure as well as the no go areas of her body. The fact that one particular point gives the women you have been involved in excitement doesn’t make it universal. Every woman comes with her private pin code; all you have to do is to discover the combination that belongs to your wife. 

There is also the need for you to continue to talk to her as frankly as possible including the reality and possibility of her pushing you into the waiting arms of another woman if she continues to rebuff your moves. You won’t gain anything by having affairs outside your home or making her think you are but you gain a lot by being brutally frank with her. By letting her know that you are very capable of playing around would make her reconsider her options. 

Good luck. 

He Lacks Fire Our Love Needs To Glow

Dear Agatha, 

Please, I have a problem with my boyfriend who has been in my life for years. He is so supportive, but lacking in some qualities I want in a man. I have tried my best to make sure he changes, but he is not ready to change.

He doesn’t allow me to know his movement, insults and disgraces me at regardless of the audience or where. 

I am fed up with the whole thing anymore. Besides, he doesn’t even care about me anymore. He will tell me I am his wife to be, but don’t bother to visit me at home. Despite the fact that he gives me money, he completely lacks in other areas. I don’t want to hurt him by cheating on him, but he cheats on me and flaunts his these on my face. He keeps telling me he doesn’t have my time anymore. 

I have tried to point out his attitude towards me, but he appears unwilling to change. Because he has done so much for me, I don’t want to appear as an ingrate because people who are not close to us won’t know what my challenges are before jumping to the wrong conclusions. 

Please help me out. I don’t want to be used and dumped, because I have turned down a lot of guys to be with him. Agatha, please help me before it is too late. If I try to ask him how he spends his money, he tells me the money belongs to me and not him. Having finished school, I am moving out into the world where I will meet a lot of persons. Please help me make the right decision. 

Betty.

Dear Betty, 

First and foremost, it behooves you to be very sincere with yourself on this matter. Are you making all these excuses because you have finished school and want the freedom to explore the world without the shadow of this man behind you?

Is it a case of giving the dog a bad name to have an excuse to hang it? What makes his attitude suddenly become so unbearable when you have coped all these years?
To avert the many regrets we often have later in life over certain decisions we make, be careful that you are truthful to yourself and that this guy is really all these things you claim he is. 

If it is true that he violates you psychologically irrespective of where you are and who is watching, it is an ominous sign of the kind of husband he would be. If as a boyfriend he does all these things knowing that you are still at the promissory level, hence have the freedom to walk away anytime, then there is no telling what he will do when he marries you. Violence in marriage is very difficult to address and resolve amicably, so beware you don’t bow to sentiment in your choice of a life-partner.

However because of the support he gave you, it is imperative you sit him down to discuss your fears at his attitude, character and reactions to you. Letting him escape with the feelings that you deliberately waited till you have finished school before complaining about his attitude would be one of the greatest injustices you can do to yourself. What others say or don’t about you isn’t as important as the impression of you he would have should you hastily dump him now that you are ready for the world. 

The question you should ask yourself is, is the world ready for you? The real world has many of him so are you prepared? Your level of preparation depends on the lesson you are taking away from this relationship. To have the correct gauge, you have to be absolutely truthful and fair to this man by admitting your faults too. Granted some men can’t handle their temper, what are your own contributions to the monster he has become now? A wise woman knows when to keep quiet and walk away from embarrassing situations especially one that would see the world witnessing her shame. Do you consider yourself as having the right kind of temperament to deal in future with such a situation and prevent your man’s temper from flaring in public? Unless a man is completely insane, he wouldn’t without help from the woman go berserk. Chances are you nudge him unknowingly to react in this beastly manner. Though not an excuse for any man to beat his wife or degrade her, but the truth remains that it takes help from the woman to create the situation.

If you are determined to move on, you need for your own good to learn the diplomacy in man-woman relationship. The essence is not for you to stay but for you to be a better person, woman and partner. Since he says he is tired, don’t force it. From this point, take each day of the relationship as it comes. Give yourself till the end of the year to get this relationship back on the line or wind up. Because of the length of time you have been together, it is important you still give the relationship some rooms to maneuver a little bit. Use this time to talk, appraise each other, grade your relationship with a view of seeing where you both went wrong and possibly how it can be revived but if at the end of the day, you can’t cope, be bold enough to admit it to him because relationship is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. But learn to do so with the fear of God imprinted boldly in your mind.

Good luck.  

My Husband Is Callous, Inconsiderate…

Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for years and have two children. My husband and I dated for almost seven years before the marriage and I thought our relationship was admirable. However, since we settled down he has changed. He maltreats me all the time by putting me down and insulting me for no reason. He can’t complain about anything because I clean the house, I cook his meals and take care of the children. I know my responsibilities as a wife and mother. Throughout my pregnancies which were both difficult and resulted in C-sections he wasn’t supportive, but instead picked fights with me which always reduced me to tears. In fact he has made me so miserable and made my self-esteem very low. In addition, his mother maltreats me and he is aware of this and does not even show any concern for my welfare.

All they do is both complain about me especially since I do not speak or understand Yoruba; they knew this before we got married and never hinted that it was a problem to them. Frankly, I am tired. This is not the kind of life I wish to live. I’ve tried ignoring everything by being patient that eventually our relationship will improve, but it’s getting worse everyday. I’ve even tried discussing the issues with him, but as usual he bluntly says that I’m the problem and says it’s my fault and that it’s always the woman who is the source of the problem in any marriage. Seriously, even his mother supports him with that one and has even told me several times. These days when he lashes out at me he always brings up the kids, saying that they are his kids and that he’s the one providing for them so he owns them, and that I’m a bad mother and a useless one for that matter. Once he even asked why I didn’t die on the operating table when I had our second child. I want to leave the marriage because I now know that my husband has nothing good to offer me. I believe he dislikes me and I don’t know why. If I stay, this man will ruin my life and life is too short to waste. I want to be strong and healthy for my children, and not end up being depressed and frustrated. We all know where that eventually leads.

Elizabeth.

Dear Elizabeth, 

From experience, violent marriage is the worst thing that can happen to a woman. It not only destroys one’s self-esteem but also leaves one haggard and depressive. 

It takes the grace of God for any woman who is in a violent marriage to recover and bounce back to her feet.

But this is not to say the man is usually to blame alone. Knowledge and understanding of marriage dynamism demands that wisdom is applied before any rash decision is taken. Your lack of understanding of each other’s language and implication, your different cultures may also be a strong contributor to the problems you are both having in your marriage. It is also evident of the many issues both of you neglected to discuss before you got married. 

Irrespective of whatever is happening between the two of you, there is always a way out. Divorce should always be the last option.

Since his mother seems to have a very strong influence on him, you might have to by-pass him for now and work on his mother. This may at first appear difficult given her hostile attitude to you but you just must summon the courage and see how you can get her to listen even if it is for one moment to you. In a situation like this, don’t expect instant success. As a matter of fact, it may never come, but persistence and understanding of her nature will win the battle for you eventually.

Begin by trying to put yourself in her shoes and her in your shoes. Were you to judge and assess fairly, do you think she might have one or two things to complain about concerning you? In her shoes what would you think of the accusations that you are to blame for whatever is happening in your marriage?

Many a time, we come into our marriages with a very wrong misconception about our mothers-in-law. What was and is still your own opinion about your mother-in-law? Often than not impressions we come with into marriage form our mode of behaviour and eventually the way a lot of people begin to react to us. You may have unwittingly incited your husband’s attitude against you by the way you react and respond to his mother. At what point did she and her son change towards you, because if she didn’t want her son to marry you, given the way the two of them are, your husband won’t have married you. So there is no smoke without fire. Look at yourself critically to know where you put the wrong foot forward. Righteousness has no place in marriage else it will become stillborn. It strives more on sacrifices, compromises as well as humility.

You need a thorough understanding of her person to know how to appease her. Have this at the back of your mind, that she will never go away and that as long as you are married to her son, she will always be there in your marriage, invited or not. 

The best way to deal with an opponent is not to run away, but to develop the patience to know the weak points of the opponent. Every person has a soft spot. What is hers? And why haven’t you made an attempt to speak your husband’s language? Learning the language would give you an edge they would never have over you, the advantage of hearing them speak, making it impossible for him and his mother to decide your fate while you are seated. 

Not trying at all after two years to learn the language makes it easy for his mother to manipulate things her way. There is power in a language and for the simple fact that you aren’t trying to learn is one reason you are still being regarded as an outsider. There is always this soul pull to one who understands one’s native tongue. In addition, doing so would communicate more than any word your desire to be part of the family, learn their ways and adapt to the culture of your new family. Your husband, though weak would feel much better being able to exchange words with you in his native tongue. English language cannot be an effective mode of communication in a home because it doesn’t have the cultural intimacy and bond our native tongues bring to bear on us. Besides, not being able to speak would make the children unable to understand the ways of their people. 

For a mother, your mother-in-law worries that her grandchildren may end up not having a cultural root to peg their existence on. This perhaps forms the overtly claim to ownership of the children by your husband who could be nursing the fear that you may end up teaching the children your language instead of his.

Although his attitude to you as well as his wish you had died on the operating table is callous and unthinking on his part, you still have to exercise more patience for the sake of those children. 

If in two years of marriage you are both having this kind of problem in your home shows that there are so many things you failed to discuss before you went into the marriage. You both assumed that the language thing is something you can handle but it is becoming apparent by the day that you both must sit to discuss it and find ways of bridging the gap it has created between the two of you. Not learning is giving your mother-in-law a good reason to continue to treat you like an outsider in your home. 

Get a friend who comes from his side of the country to teach you the basic words you need to know. You can always build on the basic as the years go by. In addition, learn how to cook his native meals; the kind he grew up with, his mother is using to push you out of your home. 

Battles with mother-in-law are best done subtly, to avoid conflict in your home. Remember apart from you aspiring to be a mother-in-law one day, this woman gave birth to the man whose name you have taken on and father to your children. A wise woman, no matter how difficult her mother-in-law is, must go out of her way to make her happy. By learning to speak her language shows a willingness to adapt to the ways of your new family. Marriage is a school of compromises. Once you are able to win the mother, it would be easier to get through to your husband whose backbone is his mother. 

However, if the violence persists, get someone very close to your husband to talk to him preferably his pastor and if there is no improvement, it might be best to take a temporary break to avert the greater tragedy of a life threatening situation that comes from constant physical assault, to give both of you time to reflect on your reason for coming together. Once you both come to that all important point of knowing that no matter what happens along the line, the two of you are the most important persons in this marriage, every other thing that seems insurmountable now would become a thing of the past.

And never forget to pray and invite God into your marriage because He has everybody and situation in His hands. Good luck.