Two Men On Me, Who Do I Choose?

Dear Agatha,

I am in my mid 20s and have just finished my service year. In my final year at the university, I fell in love with a young and unmarried lecturer. To be candid he is the first man that has touched me that deeply. But one thing I noticed about him is that he is your everyday Casanova. There is no time I went into his office that I didn’t meet a woman. Even though he usually goes out of his way to explain to the girls my relationship with him, it has not stopped the girls from congregating in his office.

Even at his house the situation is not different from what happens in the office. Whenever I go to visit him, the girls are there. Despite the fact that none of them has been rude to me, it is however a situation I am not finding funny.

During my service year, I became involved with another man I met at the place of my assignment. Though a father of a child he had at secondary school, he is one of’ those dependable men every woman needs in her life. From the very day I met him, he told me about his former relationships and how he was winding own his current one. I discovered from my interactions with people in the office that the reason he gave for wanting to terminate the relation was not exaggerated at all. The lady in question happens to be more than a social drinker. She drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney. She is also a careless person, a woman who thinks if it is right for the man to do it, a woman too can do it.

Since I didn’t want any embarrassment and didn’t want to lie, I opened up to him about my own relationship. I didn’t tell him the problem I was having with my boyfriend.

We started out as friends, until I discovered, like him, I felt something deeper. Before long we went into a relationship despite the knowledge of our existing relationships. I discovered he is a caring man, sensitive to my moods and someone I could really talk to. With him, I don’t have to do any extra work on my looks. He is very matured in his way of thinking. When my elder sister came for a visit and met with him, she told me to go for him that he would make a wonderful husband.

Recently I met with the mother of his child, now married. She confided her regrets at not marrying him and pleaded with me not to allow him seep through my fingers.

He has proposed marriage, but told me to keep my reply until I sorted myself out with my other boyfriend. I have met his parents and his only sister; they are all good and happy that at last he is thinking of settling down.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do. My other boyfriend too is beginning to talk about marriage and has promised to stop the horde of women coming into his office and home.

I love both men in a different way. While my lecturer boyfriend is the breezy and impulsive type, this other man is a more staid person. He is not impulsive; rather he likes to consider his options before making a decision. He says he cannot take unnecessary risks because he has a responsibility to his son and now me to consider, making too risky ventures a no go area.

I am confused because a part of me is reckless while a greater part of me wants something very solid.

Without telling me, the second man bought me shares in one of the now leading banks and even encouraged me to invest my allowances on shares.

Please help me make the right decision and how to ease myself out of the other relationship without pains to the man I am leaving. 

Lillian.

Dear Lillian,

It would be very difficult for me to make the decision for you, but I would point you to the qualities that would help you arrive at a decision.

There are so many things required to make a marriage work. Love is just a little bit of it. The most important is friendship. Whereas love remembers a slight and keeps record of wrong doings, friendship doesn’t. Your best friend is the one person that can tell you the truth, who can see all your worst doing and still considers you to be the best person on earth. 

Whereas friendship understands that no one is perfect, love believes everything should be perfect. This is the inherent difference between love and friendship. 

It is only a friend that would see you without teeth, falling hair, wrinkled skin, a protruded stomach, flat chest and still considers you to be the most beautiful person in the world.

It is only a friend that would love you when it is impossible for others to do. A good friend would know when you are happy, sad, look out for your interest and give you encouragement to succeed when others are unwilling to take such risks on you.

A good friend would do everything to protect you from hurt and desist from doing those things that would continue to cause you pains.

A true friend’s love is unconditional and freely given.

Which of these men fit the bill of a true friend; the one who has a stable character to shoulder your emotions, listen to your inner cries for help? Those kinds of cries you expect your loved one to detect without you framing the words. Which of these two men would stay with you when the first sign of wrinkle comes and that supple and shapely body of yours becomes sag? 

Which one is most ready to forgive you a mistake; provide you with the most dependable shoulders to lean on physically and emotionally? There is no marriage without problems but which of them are likely to have the least problems with? Which one is more Godly, friendly, sincere, patient, stable, tolerant, responsible, respectful, supportive and caring?

You are the only one with the answers. If you were ever truthful with yourself, you would know which of these men would make the best husband for you.

Go to God in prayers for help in arriving at the best decision, one that you would be happy with for the rest of your life. Trust God to give you the best of the two men before you and if God Himself makes the decision for you, He would tell you how to go about the problem of leaving the other guy without bitterness.

Good luck.

She Can’t Adjust To Relationship Rules

Dear Agatha, 

I have a girlfriend I love very much. She recently called to break up with me on the ground that she wasn’t ready for the sacrifices a relationship entailed. I don’t know what to do now.

Worried Guy.

Dear Worried Guy, 

Respect her wish to be left alone. You can’t force her to develop feelings or compassion for you. If nothing else, learn to respect her honesty. She has told you precisely what her handicaps are. The choice is yours to either move forward and find happiness in the arms of another woman ready to make the sacrifices for love or insist on getting hurt by someone who has told you she cannot do what you expect from her. 

The truth is not that she cannot make the sacrifice love requires, but she cannot make it for you. She simply hasn’t found that special reason in you and the relationship she has with you to make that kind of sacrifice. 

Give it to her, not many women would be that blunt with you. Instead of feeling bad, appreciate her because she has provided you with every reason to gauge yourself as a man aspiring to be married one day. 

There is a huge difference between being in love and being able to make the necessary sacrifices that go with it. What she wants from you isn’t the obligations that go with what she feels for you, rather contented with staying on the fringes. It takes more than what she is willing to offer to make a relationship work. 

As a man you need a woman who understands you, willing to help you make something out of nothing, who will provide you with strong shoulders to lean on when the outside forces become hostile, who will support your dreams spiritually and physically. Unless a woman has the determination to help her man make it in life, the man would find himself working in vain to make ends meet. 

Therefore you should thank God for making this happen and freeing you from any obligations to her. A wise man in your shoes would turn to God for help in getting another woman who has the fear of God and the right focus you need to succeed to replace her. 

One thing is for a woman to have a vision, while another thing is for her to have the right vision for the man in her life. This is what you should pray for, a woman who has the right vision to match your own dream in life. 

Good luck. 

He Wages Cold War For Not Visiting Him At Home

Dear Agatha, 

I’m so much happy at the way you treat issues. I also hope that mine will be solved too. I’m 20 years of age in one of the Nigerian higher institutions and in love with a 29-year-old graduate for over two years.

Things were okay between us until the beginning of this year when his behaviour towards me started to change. This has decreased the number of times he calls me to twice a week unlike before when his calls were twice a day. 

When I demanded for explanations he didn’t have any to give and since the beginning of last month, I have been the one doing all the calls. 

Being in school, I hardly have time to honour his several invitations that I come over to his house, a development he sees as an excuse to conceal the fact, his opinion, of the presence of another man in my life. I have tried explaining my reasons for not having enough time for him, but he won’t listen. 

Things are so bad between us that he neither calls nor picks my calls again. And when he does, maybe out of mistake he tells me he is busy. I sent my cousin to ask him what I had done wrong. He told her I didn’t do anything but that he has been very busy too. 

Agatha, please tell me what to do since I am losing concentration in my studies. I also want to know if I should continue with him or not. 

Peace.

Dear Peace, 

Sincerely, there is nothing to this. What I see is a misunderstanding of your situations. He wants to see more of you while you want to concentrate more on your studies. He thinks as his girlfriend, his interest must top your agenda and that not coming to him when he wants your company is a signal that there is someone else in your life distracting you from having time for him. 

He needs you to explain to him properly why you don’t seem to have enough time for him. He may have passed through the process you are going through with your studies, you still need him to understand that this is when you need him the most, to support, counsel and guide you to attaining tremendous success in your learning.

Relationship strives best on effective communication. He has to know that at all times you have his interests at heart whether you have the time or not to see him.

Refusing to call or respond to your text messages is a subtle attempt at making you realise his displeasure as well as press home his point that two can play a game of indifference. Unfortunately, in this kind of game, love and your relationship is the victim. 

Find time if you can to go to him. There is no sacrifice too high to make for love. If you truly love this man, make time out to resolve the issue to avoid regrets in life. There is never a smooth journey or one that doesn’t necessitate a measure of self-sacrifice, patience and determination to make it work. You need him just as he needs you if your over two years relationship is to move beyond the point it is now. 

It also shows that you two have to address critical issues you have in the past ignored as a dating couple. This requires absolute honestly and commitment to make things work. In achieving this, you must first of all critique your relationship in the last two years. Are you both satisfied with the progress? Has it met your aspirations? What value has it added to the lives of both of you? What do you find most interesting about him and what do you dislike the most in him? What would like changed in this relationship?

Some of your repressed disappointment may actually come from dissatisfaction with the way both of you have conducted the relationship, hence your need to make the necessary move to reconcile your obvious differences.

If both of you have made the mistake of elevating sex to the detriment of all the other aspects of a relationship, then it is time to reconsider your priorities because those things are what can make your relationship work. Important as sex is, you must first lay the right foundations for sex to be meaningful. The truth is you cannot use sex to replace effective communication and friendship in a relationship. You must first be friends to grow the much-needed trust to move a relationship into its right port. 

The issue you are having with your man bothers on trust. It is only after you go to him to talk that you can make up your mind on what to do.

Good luck.    

I Have Feminine Qualities

Dear Agatha

Thanks for being there for

us.

I am a 15-year-old student of Federal Government College, Ilorin.

My story is a long and pathetic one that I fear time won’t allow me to fully share my problem with you as I would have liked to. But Agatha, the summary of it is that I behave like a girl instead of the boy I am meant to be and worst of it is that I have a bent neck. It makes me a sorry sight. I am seriously thinking of committing suicide. I am tired of this life.

Abdulmajeed.

 Dear Abdulmajeed,

You don’t have to kill yourself because life is worth a living. God did not make a mistake in the way he created you. Look beyond your physical limitations and value all the good things God has blessed you with.

A lot of the time the things we place much premium on are actually those things that do not matter. We place so much worth on appearance than what God has embedded in us. God is Mr. Perfect Himself so if He created you with some deformity, it is because He has a reason to.

What are those areas you excel in? Discover them and use them to your advantage in life. There are many examples of successful physically challenged people around. They are living and shaming the so-called physically perfect people with their astonishing success. They didn’t throw in the towel by contemplating suicide. Rather than feel sorry for themselves like you are doing, they challenged their situation and story with that special thing God in His wisdom deposited in them.

Because God knows that your special form needs an additional special talent to sail through life with ease, in His wisdom, He must have invested in you what people with no deformity lack. But if you persist in your self pity, you will never discover what it is because pity has a way of robbing one of sense of perception and direction. You must have both senses working well to unlock the key to your special gift from God.

By the time you discover that special something in you and turn it round into a goldmine, those that today are making fun of you or have rejected you would be the first set of human beings to identify with you. Go to God in prayers for His direction and leading. As for your feminine tendency, it is a psychological problem that needs expert handling. Go to a specialist hospital, perhaps a government hospital nearest to you and request to see a clinical psychologist.

If you refuse to be put down by the attitude of others, nobody can put you down. Always have it at the back of your mind that you are too important to God to be ignored by men. In His presence you are precious and of too much value.

Suicide would not only disappoint God, but make you lose what is important at the end of the day – God’s blessing He took time to invest in you. If you learn to treat yourself with dignity, people will treat you with dignity, but if you allow them to see pity in your eyes, chances are they will always strive to put you down.

Good luck.

My Hips Attract Many Men

Dear Agatha, 

Let me start by thanking God for using you to help others.

Agatha, I am 18 years of age with big hips. I want to know if it is bad or natural? My hips are so enormous that men cannot resist approaching me on daily basis. It is very embarrassing.

To be frank, I am tired of all these unnecessary attention my hips attract.

A lot of people attribute it to excessive sex. Is it true? Is it natural for a young girl like me to sprout such excessive hips? Is there anything medically wrong with me? I am shy whenever I leave my house. It is made more obvious because I am of an average height. Help me to avoid these embarrassments.

Vivian.

Dear Vivian,

I honestly cannot understand why you are embarrassed by what a lot of women would give anything to have. Excessive sex is not a direct or remote cause of excessive hips rather it is in the genes.

If the female children in your family are wide-hipped, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. However there is a way out - exercises. Not that it would prevent them from being obvious, but it would help moderate their spread.

Do exercises that focus on the hips; though difficult to trim, the right kinds of exercises can check excessive growth.

For an 18-year-old girl, cut down on your sexual urges and habits. Though it has nothing to do with the issue at hand, it is in your interest to apply caution because it could have been a serious sexually transmitted disease that is your bother, so learn to be careful. There is so much to gain from abstinence as a young girl than what you are getting from the act now. There is always plenty of time for you to make the right choice of what is good for you.

Go to any exercise shop gymnasium for more information and professional counsel on what would work for you and the kinds of knowledge or equipment that would get you closer to the kinds of hips you want.

Good luck.

My Husband Has Changed Into A Beast

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for people like me who may never be able to reward you with any other thing but prayers. 

I have really suffered in my life. When I married my husband nine years ago, he was without any means of livelihood.

Despite objections from my people who felt I was marrying below my status and marrying a liability, I still went ahead with the marriage.

The first years were not easy. I gave birth to a set of twins exactly seven months after our wedding. We had no inkling I was expecting a set of twins until the day of delivery.

It meant I had to do another set of shopping for the other baby. It ate deep into my finances, fending for the twins and sustaining the family. My people refused to help because they were not impressed by the attitude of my husband and his family. Despite being aware of the fact that their son was jobless, they insisted that two of his siblings came to live with us immediately after the wedding. When I protested, he wondered if it was because he had no job, that if he were employed, it was his duty to train and cater for the welfare of his parents and siblings.

Against sound reasoning I allowed him to have his way. As if that was not enough, his mother brought his sister’s child to come and stay because there was nobody to look after her following the death of her parents.

When I pointed to the fact that we had only one income coming in, she retorted that if the situation were reversed would her son not care for my family and me? She went to the extent of telling me to use my parents’ money to better the lot of my in-laws. That money was meant to be spent not building numerous houses like my selfish father.

I was very hurt and didn’t know what to make of her remarks but because of the love I have for her son, I didn’t bother to reply her, besides my parents would never have supported me to be rude to my in-laws no matter what.

Whenever I complained about the wasteful nature of his people to my husband, he would beg me to ignore. To have peace in my house and since they helped with the children and housework, without prompting from my husband, I enrolled them into school. Overtime, their attitude changed for the better. In fact, they confessed that they didn’t know I was nice; that the impression they were given was that I was proud and rude.

They actually became my trusted allies and helped in changing their mother’s perception of me. It was from them I discovered that they got the wrong impression of me from what people said of my family because of their wealth.

At a point, the mother came to apologise too. We kept managing on my salary until my father agreed to help him get a job as one of the aide to one of the South West governors.

Agatha, I regret he did because he changed overnight. In addition to not coming home at all, he neglected the children and I. He found new friends he thinks are now superior to me and other members of the family. In the presence of his newfound friends, he talks down on me, orders me around and sometimes takes to calling me names.

Because of the burden I have had to bear alone, I have lost touch with modern fashion preferring instead to manage what I have so that the family can be comfortable, the quality clothes I have are from my mother.

To think my husband now engages in extramarital affairs to the extent he gives my lack of fashion sense as an excuse, hurts. His entire family is against him. I hear his mother has gone to the extent of going to his office to fight him. My parents are disappointed and would have ensured he loses the job but for my interference.

Agatha. I don’t know how to confront this problem. I am hopeless when it comes to prayers. Please help me. I really do have to do something to save my marriage from imminent collapse.

Adebimpe.

Dear Adebimpe,

What you have to do, in addition to learning how to pray and fast, is to change that wardrobe of yours. Since he is interacting with people who are fashion conscious and are the vogue of the moment, it is best to upgrade your look. 

Wallowing in self-pity would not help you at all, it is important you realise if you fail to do nothing about your looks; another woman is waiting in the wings to take him away from you. So, it is in your interest to look at your wardrobe, examine the areas that need to be changed and upgrade.

While I am not asking you to change your person, I am saying harmonise your look to conform with his current status so as to remain relevant in his life. So many factors add up to his present disposition.

Sometimes, we have to go the extra mile to mask from the public the challenges we daily face in our homes and lives. Your mode of dressing could be a reminder of a time he prefers to forget. Allow him to forget it by doing away with those items of clothing that take him back to that time.

You are right to have stopped your father from terminating his appointment. He of all people ought to know that not all of us are equally gifted with the strong will to be our own persons in a crowd of people. A lot of us are victims of the situations, circumstances and people we meet everyday.

Just as you are weak in prayers, your husband is weak in resisting his friends.

You would definitely win this battle if you learn to ask God for His interference through fasting and prayers. There is no marriage without problems; the difference is how we tackle them. A lot of us capitulate early because we don’t know what to do. What you are experiencing is nothing new, what is, would be the technique you apply to ensuring victory in your home. What should be of major concern is solving the problem. Help him with prayers not to fail and help your marriage with prayers to succeed. 

Continue to exercise patience and be civil to him. I know it is not easy given what you are going through in your marriage but don’t attempt to pay him back in his own coin. In marriages, one party does more of the sacrifices than the other.

Good luck.

She Blackmails Me To Do DNA For My Boy…

Dear Agatha,

I thank God that gave you the wisdom to daily tackle people’s problems.  I pray, the same God is always on hand to tackle your problems too. 

I once wrote to you as a ‘Worried Man’ for advice, and solution to the problem I had then concerning my I6-year son, whose mother initially denied my paternity of the child.

I took all you advised, applied them, and I want to tell you that the child is now in my family though currently staying with my mother to cool the nerves of my dear- wife. I want to say. I am now a happy man.

The new worry is my wife, who insists we do a DNA test for the boy. Despite his uncanny semblance to my mother and me, my wife insists it is not good enough proof that the boy is really mine. 

Agatha, the boy is my replica physically and in mannerism. Can we go for the test just to satisfy her again? Personally I have objection to it because I know without doubt that the boy is mine. I don’t need a DNA test to tell me he is mine.

But my wife is saying if I refuse to accede to her demand she would continue to scandalise the child and I. Though she has not disputed the semblance of the child to my mother and me. It is like blackmailing me to accept her position, something I detest.

Agatha, how reliable is DNA test? I am told that it can be doctored. Is it true? And can I get the result the same day? 

M.

Dear M.

I am glad to know you have reconciled with your son, which is why this demand by your wife has to be handled with the utmost care. If poorly handled, it could ruin whatever chance you have of establishing an enduring relationship with this young man, who though part of you but has lived without your love, support and attention for 16 years. This young man is at a vulnerable age where his emotions, feelings and treatment of him has to be handled with the utmost care in other not to implant greater injury than the one he has had to deal with before now. 

Any suggestion that despite his willingness to accept you into his life as his father, you are still in doubt about his paternity in whatever form, may lead to a chain of reactions including rejecting you as his father. Your responsibility is to protect him from whatever pressures or manipulations from within and outside the family.

Since you harbour no doubt and your family, including your mother all agree that this child is yours, a product of your loins and the first proof of your claim to manhood, why is your wile bend on stirring the hornet’s nest? What does she hope to achieve by her demand? If you don’t have problems accepting the child as yours, why should she?

You as the head of the home has to fashion a way of blending the interests of these two people without offering one as the sacrificial lamb. If she loves you, she should accept this boy as hers and water him with love, because he still feels like a stranger, an outsider in your home. He needs all the love to integrate properly into his new family. 

No matter what she feels, she should rise above selfish feelings and embrace this boy as a member of the family. She stands to harvest from her labour of love later in life.

But if she insists, DNA tests cannot be concluded in a day. Result is not immediate. Ideally, it should be the final proof, but instances have shown that it isn’t especially where there are interests to protect and project. 

Continue to commit your home to God. You need patience and wisdom to navigate this slippery path. 

Good luck.

She Doesn’t Want To See My Face Again…

Dear Agatha,

There is this lady I met several years ago, during our youth service year in Kano. Being from the same place, we gallivanted towards each other and actually became a pair before we left Kano. At the end of our service year, I decided to spend some time with my family in the village while she headed for Lagos. We agreed that I would only spend a week, but due to an accident I had on the way, I ended up staying a whole year. I was unconscious for the first six months. And when I came round, I wasn’t exactly myself.

By the time I was strong enough to get up, a lot has happened. I give God the glory that I was okay physically. I was told only two of us came out of the vehicle alive and that the other person died of the injuries he had during the accident. Till date, my parents celebrate God for letting me live.

Memories of my time with her made me go against the counsel of my parents to stay back with them. They were afraid they might never see me again, but I assured them that the God that preserved my alive is still on His throne.

Back in Lagos, I tried to locate her at the address she had given me. Fortunately my things were recovered at the scene of the accident. Her phone number wasn’t going through, so I decided to surprise her by going to the address she gave me. When I got there, I was told she had left the place for another place. When I requested for the address, her siblings refused to give me. In addition they were very hostile and I wondered why, especially since I was meeting them for the first time.

When I went again to beg for her address, they set their dog against me, making me wonder all over again what I had done to deserve this kind of treatment. I was on the verge of giving up when one of her younger sisters came to me to push piece of paper into my hands with the instruction that I should not tell anybody where I got the address. I got there to discover my girl has had a child. I needed nobody to tell I fathered that child. When she saw me, she ordered me out of her flat, using all sorts of unprintable names to describe me. Nothing I said made sense to her just as her reactions to me didn’t make any sense either. She said I should go back to the lady I got married to in the village. 

Agatha, this is the sixth month I have been begging her. I have done everything to make her and her family members see reasons, but nothing has worked. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love this woman with my whole life, but why is she refusing to listen to me? What did I do to incur her wrath? Please help me to make sense out of all these. 

Godstime.

Dear Godstime,

When it is God’s time for her to listen to you, she would have a change of mind and give you the audience you need to properly explain yourself to her. Don’t give up; continue to plead your case. If the situation persists, write her a lengthy letter with pictures, if available, of you while in the hospital. Attach the receipts and name of the hospital you were admitted into.

Understandably she is not too happy with you for abandoning her when she needed you the most. To have abandoned her to face the humiliation of finding out that she is pregnant for a man nobody in her family knows and who is nowhere to be seen, can be very painful and embarrassing for any woman. It makes her appear irresponsible and lacking in moral decency. It is no picnic for a woman who finds herself in such a messy circumstance.

Given what she thinks of you, she may think you are now interested in her because of your baby. She has to be convinced that you still love her for herself and not because she has a child for you.

Her immediate family too has a right to be angry because of the image of an unmarried, pregnant and seemingly abandoned daughter conjures up in the minds of the larger family members. Through her conduct, she portrayed her immediate family as lacking in moral discipline.

Get some of your family members to go with you to see her people. The presence of your people would convey the seriousness you attach to the relationship and her importance in your life. I am sure, by the time they listen to your side of the story and are confronted with the evidence of your travails, they would change whatever opinion they have of you.

Don’t worry, things would eventually work out for the two of you.

Good luck.

Holy Fraud: Born-again Ladies Cajoled Me To Let Her Go…

  Dear Agatha,

I want to commend you for the wonderful job you are doing. I hope you appreciate that you are blessed with a special anointing to help the youths and to heal marriages. Use it wisely and God will never leave you alone. Forget whatever problems you have as a person and give in to His directives. Yours He will solve effortlessly. 

I am a single and young pastor in charge of a church in Lagos. I took over the rein when the former pastor resigned to form his church. Despite being single the mother church felt I had what it takes to pastor the branch.

Six months after coming to the branch, I have discovered that a lot of things are very wrong with women generally, and that they are the reasons some pastors backslide.

Immediately it came to the notice of the church that I was unmarried, both young and old women, married and unmarried flocked my office with one problem or the other. The young ladies would come in very transparent clothes and very short skirts. The older ones would come to introduce their nieces or daughters to me.

I have done everything possible to dissuade them, explaining that I have a girlfriend who is in another branch of the church.

When the pressure became too much for me to handle, I appealed to my girlfriend to cross over to our branch. I thought her presence in the church will stop all the unnecessary attentions and pressures I was getting from the women, but to my disappointments, it has only increased the pressure on me as all the women in the church ganged up against my girlfriend.

Honestly, I didn’t know this at first. When my girlfriend started complaining about the problem she was having with them, I dismissed her, accusing her of being too distant and too snobbish for my congregation.

I really got mad with her when the women started coming with one complaint or the other against her. I got scared when two members of our prayer warriors team came with messages concerning her. They came differently to tell me that she has a familiar spirit and that if I married her she would infect my ministry with bad luck. Since I was already having problems with her, I told her to go.

Agatha, I didn’t pray. Not even when she urged me to pray on the day I told her to go. I was really violent that day. For the first time in my adult life, I brutalised a woman. Till date, I still cannot explain what got into me that day.

It is now four months. God has since exposed all that went wrong. I am too ashamed because despite being a pastor, one who is gifted I didn’t see beyond my nose. I don’t know how to handle the situation at all. And now that I have discovered the truth, I don’t know how to go and face her. Agatha, please publish this letter, beg her for me because she reads and respects you a lot. I want her back in my life.

Wale.

Dear Wale,

Being a pastor does not insure against problems, neither does it guarantee one a happy relationship. You just have to invest more time on prayers, more than members of your congregation to protect yourself and your loved ones from physical and spiritual attacks and manipulations. 

Your callings expose you to more attacks than the ordinary members. It is spiritual. Most times, the unforeseen hands behind the problems brought to you for solutions come to attack you the pastor for daring to free their victims. Working in the vineyard of God especially pasturing His people is not easy. So learn to equip yourself more with prayers and fasting to have a safe landing in your calling. Temptations would always come in your life, so be careful. You need the grace of God to recognise and neutralise them. Go back to God for such grace to withstand and defeat all the problems that have been planted on your road to the top of your calling.

Granted that you should have been more discerning, don’t blame yourself too much. Go to her and beg her for forgiveness. I am sure, she also knows the challenges of contemplating marriage to a pastor. She would be humbled by your humility and open admission of your guilt. Before going to see her, take the journey to God for His help to smoothen things up for you. Don’t worry; God has already taken charge, hence the revelation to you.

I hope your girlfriend is reading this. Please go back to your man. If you refuse, you would have unwittingly destroyed part of his ministry because the God that ordained both of you to be together has a reason. Forget what he did, such incidents at times help to strengthen relationships.

You should also get into the habit of interceding and praying for him. It is part of your duty to him and your future home. Good luck.

  

My Brother-in-law’s Hard Moves To See My Pants…

Dear Agatha,

I am 17, waiting for admission into a university of my choice. Last year, my sister invited me over to stay with her because of her baby. I was glad to be of help, because she and I had always been very close. I missed her so much when she relocated to Asaba with her husband. Besides, it also afforded me the opportunity of living life outside my parents’ home and away from their monitoring.

What I thought was going to be fun turned into a living nightmare some months after my arrival in Asaba. Initially I enjoyed the experience of tending to the little baby, looking after my sister and caring for her home. Being the last child of the family, I didn’t have any baby to look after at home neither did I have much housework to do since my elder siblings all dotted on me, tagging me baby and never allowing me to do any serious work at home.

It was against this background that I welcomed and looked forward to going to stay with my sister. Exactly three months after I arrival, my brother-in-law started behaving very funny. He would come home when my sister is not at home, call me into their bedroom either to make the bed or help him remove his shoes. 

Although my sister didn’t allow me wash her under-wears and those of her husband, her husband would insist I wash them when she is not around. I didn’t mind, but began to wonder what his agenda was when he would insist I should not tell my sister. I didn’t know how he explains the clean under-wears to my sister and I didn’t ask.

I started suspecting something odd when without knocking on the door to my bedroom he would barge in, unmindful that I could be naked. I also noticed that he never behaved like this when my sister is around. He adopted a fatherly mien whenever my sister is at home.

I don’t know how he manages to come home every morning from his branch manager work, yet he does it effortlessly. The Thursday before Easter, he came home with some strange gifts for me, these were packed G-String pants, transparent and short nightgowns, and some funny looking bras.

Although I am still a novice in the way of men, I knew it wasn’t the right gift to give to one’s sister-in-law. And when he told me to put them on for him, I knew I was in greater danger than I realised. I declined and threatened to inform my sister about the gifts. That got to him, because he pleaded with me not to show my sister or tell her that he comes home to see me every morning after she has left for work.

Fed up with the whole development, I told my sister I wanted to go back home to our parents but she refused. She thought it had to do with her or the amount of work she was giving me to do. She promised to get a paid help to assist me with the house chores. She said she wanted me to be around her, that my being with her gave her so much joy. I couldn’t bear to hurt her or break her heart by the things the husband was trying to do with me.

She got a house-help, a young girl. I was happy because it meant I wouldn’t be alone anymore. My brother-in-law didn’t like it one bit. I heard him asking my sister what was my use in the house if she had to pay somebody to do the work. To which my sister reminded him that I wasn’t invited to be a house-help.

For a while, he stopped coming home and allowed me my rest, but that didn’t last. He adopted the tactic of sending the help on some strange errands. Once he tried to rape me, telling me he must have me. I fought him; using the knife I was holding in the kitchen to threaten him.

Agatha, he has taken away my joy. I don’t know what to do, and I suspect he is having a relationship with the house-help, because she is now fond of disappearing from home at a particular time in the morning. She would come home bearing gifts packs; some similar to the presents of under-wears he gave me. There is no way I can prove this, but my heart bleeds for my sister. I do want to go back to my parents, but how do I do that without telling my sister? The friend I made in the neighbourhood whom I confided my problems said I should tell my sister, that my brother-in-law’s reputation with young girls in the neighbourhood isn’t something to be proud of. She mentioned two girls in the area he had befriended, one who recently aborted a pregnancy for him.

Do I tell my sister all I know about her husband and the real reason I want to go home? I am so confused and afraid of what this man is capable of doing to me. You have become like a mother to me, please help me.

Ijeorna.

Dear Ijeoma.

Don’t tell your sister about it because the information would break her heart and home. Despicable as the behaviour of her man is, telling her would cause her more pains and disappointment than the man obviously in need of psychologist counselling. Besides, he could easily deny it, shifting the blame on you. He could convince your sister that you were the one putting the pressure on him to sleep with you and that when he refused, you threatened to blackmail him by telling your sister. 

When matters become this messy, there is no telling whom your sister would align with. There is the tendency that she might, out of a desire to protect her home and the fact that you are a young girl who may be questing for a man to unbridle her of her virginity, queue behind her man. In love matters and marriages, the most adorning sister could turn into a monster when she perceives her territory under threat, especially since none of the girls he went out with would want to come out to say what they did with him behind closed doors. Against this background, you don’t have the experience to deal with this.

The wise thing to do would be to call your mother and explain to her your urge to come home. Though she might wonder why and insist you keep your sister’s company, tell her you have a problem only she would understand and solve. As a mother, she would not hesitate to tell your sister to permit you to come home for a while. Enlist her support not to tell your sister that you requested for the visit back home.

When you get home open up to her, explain all that happened and what transpired at home to your mother, tell her what the other girls told you, what you suspect is going on between him and the house-girl and show her the gifts he bought you. Don’t add or remove anything from it.

I am sure she would know how to go about it without breaking your sister’s heart or home and without straining the relationship between the two of you. You have learnt one of the first lessons of being a woman, especially a budding one. Don’t trust any man. Avoid being in a lonely place with a man or assuming a certain man can be trusted because of the relationship between the two of you. Relatives are just as dangerous as strangers. As a woman, be careful how you handle yourself in the presence of male friends and relatives.

Don’t also forget to always commit yourself to God. You were able to survive it because of His protection. Not many young girls get away unhurt from such development. You were lucky because God was on your side.

Good luck.

He Wants My Flower For Stable Date

Dear Agatha,

I have a boyfriend who says he is in love with me. I haven’t slept with him, however. He said that is why he sleeps around and that when I agree to sleep with him, he would discontinue his relationships with these girls.

Agatha, does it mean if I agree to his proposal he would stop cheating on me? I am a virgin and very much confused on what to do. Please tell me what to do to save this relationship,

Rachael.

Dear Rachael.

No matter the pressures he puts on you, don’t make the mistake of surrendering yourself to him. If he loves and respects you, he would wait for you. A man who goes about sleeping with other women because the woman in his life insists things should he done properly is not to be trusted. He has it in him and this has nothing to do with the fact that you are refusing to sleep with him or not. What he is trying to do is to blackmail you into compromising your principle one, and that would be unwise if you gave up to his seduction. I can assure you sleeping with him would not stop him from continuing frolicking with the numerous women currently in his harem.

If he loves you, he would wait for you. Don’t worry about the relationship, because if it were meant to be, it would survive this, because this is just a storm in a teacup.

Commit your relationship with this man to God for help and ask for strength to do what is right.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha, 

I am 23 years of age. I need a very responsible man who is ready to settle down. An interested man should contact me through this phone number, 07035753701.

Naomi. 

She’s More Than Gold To Me…

Dear Agatha,

I am very impressed with the way you handle issues. Your responses have made me a regular reader of your column. I have a girlfriend I love so much whom I hope would be my wife one day. But the problem I have with her is that a lot of guys come around her because of the nature of the job she does. She operates a mini phone call business centre. I want you to help me reach out to her and tell her I love her so much. Please, tell her out of sight is not out of mind. She is worth more than all the gold to me. I cannot afford to lose her.

Christopher.

Dear Christopher, 

Since there is nothing to suggest from her dealings with all these men who come round her that she is involved with them, don’t get yourself worked up over something that is not, else you risk losing her completely.

The danger is that she may come to resent your attitude and lack of trust. In addition to be pained that you obviously have little trust in her, it may set her wondering what kind of husband you will make. Frankly, most women don’t want men who stifle them. From your attitude she may begin to wonder if she would ever have the kind of freedom she needs to always be herself.  She could misinterpret it as anti-progressive for her as well as capable of derailing her desire for self-development and financial independence.

Like I said earlier, trust is the one important ingredient that nourishes and nurtures relationships. Whether before the marriage ceremony or after, a relationship without trust cannot survive turbulence times. You need to trust her for her to trust you too, don’t forget, it takes two to tangle.

That she has the foresight to go into self-employment in an era when most young ladies are looking for the easier and glamorous options of making money without hard-work, you must learn to give her your support through trust if you want her to respect you as the man. I would do as you have requested by sending her a mail, but you are the one that has to exercise caution. She has done nothing wrong, but simply doing her legitimate business. Bear in mind always that she cannot select her clients or afford to be hostile to them because she is dating you.

Good luck.

My Lover Loves My Friend

Dear Agatha, 

I’m having serious problems with my girlfriend and one of my friends who behind me approached my girlfriend for a relationship. 

I gathered he did not only just approach her but did it with tears in his eyes. 

This doesn’t hurt me as much as what some of my friends are doing to confuse her. Some of them have gone to her to say negative things about me.

In fairness to her, she told me everything that transpired between this friend of mine and her as well as what the others said about me.

I felt so bad that I asked her if she reciprocates my friend’s feelings for her. To my further hurt, she told me she loves this friend of mine than she does me. 

How do you suggest I handle this matter? 

Segzy_peter007

Dear Segzy_Peter007,

The only thing you can do about it is to give this girl the freedom to pursue the choice she has made.

There is no way you can hold her down to the relationship with you. To do that is to expose yourself to hurt and needless emotional pains. She has made the choice she thinks is best for her. Learn to respect her desires and move on with your life. What happened between you, your friends and her is a blessing in disguise if only you are willing to move away from your present hurt zone to perception precinct. This episode clearly shows you have no friend or girlfriend in these people.

If they were true friends, no matter what your faults are, these friends would have rallied round you to support your relationship with her and not go behind you to woo her or assassinate your character. True friends don’t behave like that.

Also the fact that she exhibited little faith in you as well as trust in your relationship gives emphasis to the shaky foundation you both premised the relationship on. 

If the foundations were right, no matter how real the lies are or crystal clear the evidences against you are, she would have given you her trust as well as chance to defend yourself against the allegations being levelled against you by these friends. 

Also, she would have questioned their motive of telling you things that ideally should be between friends. The truth is either you both lack the maturity and wisdom to manage a relationship or a clear idea of what a relationship entails. 

If you are wise, use this opportunity provided you by this incident to re-appraise your focus in life. To have a successful relationship, you must have an initial idea of what would work for you in particular. Relationship, though universal in nature must be patented to enable a couple tap into the blessings, peace and happiness that come with it. 

To get to that point of trust and tolerance, you must have a clear picture of your goal in life and the kind of woman that will help you achieve it. It is only when you have this at the back of your mind that you will be able to have an idea of the kind of qualities you need in any woman. With this awareness comes the knowledge of the right woman to help you achieve your dreams in life. If you do it right and are honest with it, you will discover what a woman looks like is not as important as whom she really is. It is what a person is that makes the difference in a relationship. 

You are having this problem because you lack the right kind of vision for a successful relationship.

Don’t worry when you find the right kind of woman, one who shares your interest, is willingly to endure your kind of nature and is ready to help you get nearer to your self set goals, no friend will be able to take her away from you. The friend that took away this girl studied her nature well, knew she is the kind of woman to listen to such gossips before moving in on her. 

If you are really close to God, you will grow the understanding to know that He never makes a mistake with our lives and that when things like these happen, even though painful, we should always learn to give Him all the glory and trust in His judgment. 

When the right woman comes, you will be full of gratitude to God for allowing this disappointment to happen. 

But beyond the issue of your girlfriend, lies the issue of your friends. Be warned that like a man/ woman relationship, every relationship must be subject to rules, trust and vision. Friends can make or unmake hence the need for anyone to be careful in arriving at the decision of who you want in your space or not. 

Had you paid more attention to selecting your friends, none of them would have betrayed you unless of course you have not been a good friend to them. Yes, one of them can but for all of them to gang up against you, check yourself for answers. Like I said, it is either you are choosing the wrong kind of persons as friends or you don’t know how to be a good friend yourself.

Good luck.