All Skirts Make Him Mad, Yet Can’t Let Me Go

Dear Agatha,

I am 23 years, dating a guy who is 26 years of age. This man claims to love me as much I love him, but to my disappointment, I discover he is a certified Casanova.

There was this particular Sunday afternoon I called him and he was rejecting my calls. Baffled at what could be the problem, I called his friend who told me they were not around.

Suspecting something was amiss; I decided to go to his house only to find him with another girl. Not only did he not respond to all what I was saying, but also bluntly refused to acknowledge my presence, instead he walked away with the girl.

When they came back, the girl told me to leave her man alone while my boyfriend stood behind her, laughing.

He later left to drop the girl off in his car. When he came back, I asked him of the meaning of the incident I just witnessed. To my greater shock, he attempted to deny the girl he pushed me aside for.

He described the girl as his ex.

Agatha, he is apologising and wants us to continue even though I still see the two of them together. So what do I do? Should I go to this guy again or forget him.

I need your reply before I go mad.

Jesse.

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Dear Jesse,

You really don’t need me to tell you that this boy doesn’t have any respect for you or count you as important woman in his life. Any man who respects the woman he is involved with will never subject her to the humiliation he exposed you to.

Granted, men have the tendencies to stray once in a while, but when caught by the major woman in their life, are usually remorseful and full of apologies. To ignore you and allow the other lady walk all over you while he laughs at your humiliation shows you are not his main woman, but the other lady.

To therefore continue with him is to expose yourself to further ridicule. It would show you are a young desperate girl and a license for him to continue to treat you with open disrespect.

Respect is a necessary tool in any relationship, and once it is absent there is nothing more to be salvaged. It is obvious that he is lying about the nature of his friendship with the other lady. If the other girl is his ex, what business does he still have with her to warrant him ignoring you while she was with him? Why was he laughing at you when she was telling you to stay away from her man? You really should know what to do because the issues are crystal clear and do not need anybody to tell you what your natural reactions should be.

Though if you love him that much and willing to forgive him, make sure he tells you the truth concerning his relationship with the other girl. Also give him a time frame to properly terminate whatever he and the other girl have going to prevent a recurrence of that ugly scene you witnessed the last time.

Unless he does that, don’t expose yourself to more pains by walking away and giving yourself the opportunity to move forward.

Good luck.

Re: Where Are These Men Hiding?

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My Father Checkmates My Heart Desire

Dear Agatha,

I want to thank you for the good work you have been doing helping people to find solutions to their problems. May God bless you.

I am 24 years of age and an Ordinary National Diploma holder and currently doing a part-time programme.

I have been in a long relationship with this man who he and his family have been nice to my family and me.

However he suffers slight deformity on his leg but can work without the aid of a stick. Irrespective of this, I still love him and will want him to be my husband.

My major challenge now has to do with the position of my father who has vowed never to accept my boyfriend as his son-in-law for reasons best known to him.

When he was coming for last Christmas, he bought me clothes and other items including the handset I am using now. Sincerely, I am bothered about my father’s position and since I didn’t know what to do, I told him the relationship would not work and for now we are just friends.

But I didn’t tell him my decision was based on my father’s position. He cried when I told him of my decision not to continue with the relationship prompting him to reveal that his friends had warned him that I would not marry him, but he refused to listen to them then. He was evidently very angry and stopped talking to me. I later discovered he was admitted at the hospital for two weeks as a result of me rejecting him.

I had thought he would never talk to me again until he began once again to call me about three months ago. When I asked why he changed his mind about calling me, he told me he could not do without me and that watching the burial video of his mother reminded him vividly of the role I played and that looking back he is very certain someone may be responsible for my new attitude towards him.

There is also another man who happens to be the branch manager of the company I work for asking for my hand in marriage. I really don’t know much about him or any of his family members but he appears to be somebody who cares for me.

Honestly I am really confused and don’t know what to do. Should I tell my first boyfriend that my father is behind my attitude towards him? Should I ignore my father and go ahead with this relationship? How do I face his family members after what I did? Or do you think I should I continue with the second one?

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

It is rare for a father to kick against the child’s choice of a partner. Precisely what is the reason for his objection to your choice? He must have a reason. You should either tell your mother to ask him this or make him to tell you himself.

To elicit response from your father, don’t make it as a quarrel. Parents react with anger and absolute show of authority when children openly oppose their wish. By giving your father the impression that you are not likely to oppose his wish, he would feel obliged to tell you why he thinks this man isn’t good enough for you.

You must know why he is objecting to enable you know what to look out for in your man. In most cases, sentiments like the one your father is expressing often than not help in pointing one that some salient points in the character of the other person which being in love has blindfolded the vision from seeing.

You may not agree with your father at the end of the day, but you have a lot to gain by hearing him out since no knowledge is lost.

Remember, your father doesn’t know this man as much as you do, neither does he feel what you feel for him, so you must understand that whatever he is saying is based on what he feels. Your job as the one at the centre of it is to offer his explanation based on what you know of your man.

Honestly, you were wrong not to have tried to find out why your father insists on you leaving him as well as not telling your boyfriend about your father’s position.

Telling him would have helped him understand you more as well as provided him the opportunity of going to your father to straighten things out. It would have been easier for your father to tell him why he thinks he isn’t good enough for you.

But be that as it may, now that he has come back, sit him down and tell him the whole truth concerning your father’s position and how he influenced you to terminate the relationship. At least he deserves to know the truth as well as clear you of the false impression his family may have of you based on what their son may have told them.

This would take care of your fears of how the family would receive you back should you decide to go back to him.

Frankly, nobody can make the decision for you, not your father or me. It is your choice to make. But in making the decision, it will be in your interest to do a proper critique of your feelings for this man as well as the new one. In the first place, how well do you love him? Is your love for him unconditional or induced by the things he gives you and your family? Another question you must answer with much honesty as you can muster is the fact of his physical challenge. How comfortable are you with it? Is that the reason your father isn’t comfortable with him marrying his daughter? You may not think it is an issue to you but for you to have mentioned it shows that it is a salient one that is bothering you quietly.

By examining how you really feel about this man would inform you whether to go back to him or begin something with the new man who you must also gauge your feelings for to know if he is real or not.

Good luck.

My Husband Fends For His Village

Dear Agatha,

I have a problem, which I want to share with you. I am a newly married lady; my husband is the first son of his family. His immediate younger brother is married with two children.

To help his brother out of the financial crisis he was experiencing, my husband gave him one of his buses to drive. My husband told him to use whatever money he made from driving the bus to fend for himself and family.

About three weeks after, he returned the bus with the excuse that he didn’t like the bus and that my husband should give him the bus he was using instead.

Thereafter, he refused to care for his wife and children prompting his wife to come to our mother-in-law to complain about his attitude. After listening to her complaints, our mother-in-law gave her some foodstuff and told her to come back.

After she left, our mother-in-law came to my husband to collect money for her own business as well as money to care for his other siblings and their families. As things stand now, my husband is solely responsible for the upkeep of the extended family including paying their rent, their children school fees, buying of clothes and all other expenses.

I am not comfortable with the way his family is treating him and how his brother has refused to do anything. More worrisome is the attitude of my mother-in-law, who sees nothing wrong in making my husband provide every kobo and thing for her and all his siblings.

I have tried to caution my husband against this attitude of his especially as we are planning our own family. I am not saying he shouldn’t help but I am of the opinion that it isn’t fair for his family members, including his brother, who is married to leave the responsibility of fending for the entire family to my husband alone.

Please advise me on what to do before I do something drastic.

Favour.

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Dear Favour,

Don’t get involved if you want to enjoy the love of your husband and peace in your home. There is no way you can take on the whole family at the same time. This is because they are used to making your husband pick up their bills and since he has been doing that without complaining or thinking ahead of the consequences of putting himself all out for the comfort of his family, the family will rise in unity against you.

With a man like your man, you have to be careful because he is far too deep in his act and may not think anything of sacrificing you in the process.

The fight you are up against isn’t just a physical one, it would stretch to be a spiritual one aimed at ensuring you leave their golden pot for them particularly as his mother is in full support of the current arrangement. So, be careful what you say, how you say it as well as the attitude you put up.

Your husband has tolerated this treatment from them long before you came unto the scene so, if he is tired of it, he knows how to end it without your help or suggestions.
To ensure you and your children are not impoverished by his attitude towards his family, the best you can do is to get money from him to begin a business irrespective of whether you are working or not. This is to serve as a sort of insurance for you and the children when they start coming. Being his wife, you have the advantage of knowing when he has more than enough, when he is in the right mood, how to get him into it and how to woo him without him suspecting anything to do your bidding.

It also means that you must be careful not to have a joint account with him or any joint venture because of the way his extended family is structured. The reason for this is simple; to ensure his immediate family doesn’t suffer too much from his generous attitude to his family members as well as to reduce drastically the tension women feel when they feel their husbands are investing all the money meant for them and their children on other people.

One ace you can use to get him to go along with your plan is not to fight him over his family. It is a mistake many women make which earns them a lot of problems with their husbands who in turn become so hostile. Remember the motive is not to build a wall of Jericho between your husband and his family but to help him plan his life so he isn’t left high and dry in his old age when he can no longer run around for himself let alone for anybody. It is also to help your home remain calm and peaceful, which would never happen if you are constantly depending and expecting your husband to provide you with everything.

It is at this point you would do something drastic, unreasonable and cause a tsunami in your home. But if you begin now to prepare for it and how to avert it, you would not have to say any word against or in support of your husband’s attitude to get him thinking.

The naked truth of this whole situation is that you have to be up and about as well as invest wisely because whether you like it or not, your children will never come first in his scale of preference.

This has nothing to do with his feelings for you but the powers at play in his life. He may love you so much but given the strong hold his family has over him, it isn’t going to be an easy ride for you at all.

You have to be as wise as a serpent to survive the peculiarity of this family. Learn to be very diplomatic when the issue of his family welfare comes up. If you cannot withstand it, leave the room when they come to protect yourself from hearing whatever it is they want to discuss. Ensure you don’t antagonise him and if you must underline the danger of his undefined help, if it is telling too much on the welfare of your immediate home, point him to it without making it obvious that you are angry or upset.

A lot would depend on your level of tolerance as well as ability to control your temper. On your own, give what you can even if it is a sympathetic ear to their demands.

Be friendly, treat them well when they come on a visit, feed them if there is food at home and when there is none, make sure they know you are not being deliberately wicked.

It is important you play your role effectively in all these to help your marriage stay strong.

Be prepared that whatever you do, his family will always accuse you of one thing or the other. So learn to be prayerful. Marital challenges are best fought and won on a woman’s knees not by fighting or acting impulsively.

Always remember these people are an inevitable part of your husband as well as those of your children. There is no divorcing them from the history of your husband or your children as well. Being the first son, he cannot ignore them and from time to time he would be called upon to part with money for the upkeep of the rest.

You must understand this and appreciate that your position as his wife has made you a mother to all of them hence must be careful of the type of attitude you put up at all times.

Good luck.

Hard To Grow My Love For Her…

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your selfless service to mankind. I am 25 years of age. There is this girl I like, but don’t know how to tell her. She is learning textile designing. I made up my mind to greet her each time she passes by our shop irrespective of whether she was responding or not.

Recently I went to the street behind ours to make a phone call when I saw her washing plates at a pub she later told me belongs to her elder sister.

She started greeting me after that encounter. She actually called to ask for my name because I didn’t give her my name.

Agatha, I want to move to the next level. What should I do?

Emmy.

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Dear Emmy,

Get to discover who she is by offering her friendship. You don’t know anything about her to warrant you taking the relationship to the next level yet.

Friendship between the two of you is what would offer both of you the necessary opportunity to know if a relationship between the two of you is achievable or not. As friends, you will have the freedom to exchange information about yourselves, expose each other to the peculiarity of your individual strengths and weaknesses, temperaments as well as outlook towards life.

It is imperative you know what each other want, how far you can each go before approaching her for the next level. She has to know your interest in her goes beyond her body to her welfare. You must each know what you hope to do in the future. At 25, the future isn’t too far off for you. If you don’t begin to think about what type of woman would make you happy in the future, you may end up with the wrong woman by your side.

The time for you to erect the foundation for your marriage is now; so don’t waste it on the wrong values.

Good luck.

Before Coyness Turns Me Anti-social

Dear Agatha,

I am one of your greatest fans. I got hooked to ‘Daily Independent’ just because of your column. I have a problem that I have never shared with any man, but only God. I am a 34-year-old, intelligent and hardworking young man. I grew up to discover myself as a shy and fearful person.

This has not only tormented me over the years, but also limited me from exploring my God given potentials. I find it difficult to relate with people, hence I don't have friends in school.

This has labelled me an anti-social boy, and this is seriously affecting my relationship with people around me. As a marketer, I have been unable to make any meaningful impact, whereas the people I trained are all doing extremely well.

In the church, I had to turn down the many positions to head some groups including the house fellowship because of fear and shyness.

I tried to trace the possible source of my problem and realised it might have come from the many condemnations I received as a child as a result of my left-handedness. A lot of people said so many negative things while growing up which stuck and could have affected me psychologically.

I have fasted, prayed, confessed scriptures and even went for deliverances, but the situation is getting worse. I simply have lost confidence in myself as I have failed in almost every area of life.

All I can think of is failure. Please help me, if you think I need a psychologist, kindly recommend one for me. I know I am meant to be more successful than I am currently. I just need confidence in me to make the difference. Please help me so that I won't commit suicide.

Sunday.

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Dear Sunday,

Unless you have the determination to succeed, there is little anybody can do to help you. Attempting suicide is the final admission that your life isn’t worth anything, that God made a huge mistake creating you and that your place in this world could have been left void.

This is why no prayer, fasting and deliverance would work for you, because in the first place, there is no problem with who you are. Rather, your problem comes from what you think you are. The only deliverance is to change the defective picture you have of yourself and replace it with the one God has of you.

Therefore your drive to succeed begins with the resolve to accept the past. If you don’t make up your mind to leave the past behind, it will continue to affect your present and future.

Depending of what one does with the past, it can make or mar the future. By remembering all those negative things people said about you in the past, you unwittingly continue to give them the power to hurt and determine your future so much so, you allow all their negative assessments of you come to past.

Do you realise by your refusal to let the memories of their opinions about you die? You equally make all their negative predictions about you come to life? Give them reasons to justify all that they said about you then as well as continuous right to have a say in your life?

To succeed in life, you must learn to have an opinion of yourself. What is your opinion of yourself? Remember, there is nobody with a better knowledge of you than you. You are the only one who can make or unmake yourself. You are the one with your own blueprint, your own dream as well as the vision to make it work. What other people do in our lives is to help us achieve the dreams we have of ourselves.

If you see failure all around you, there is nothing anybody would say or do that would change what you see around you to success. They can only try to make you see reason, but if your mind is made up that you will not succeed, it will be difficult to make you succeed.

Yes, you are left-handed, so what? As a matter of fact only special people are so blessed. It is indeed a blessing to do something differently from everyone else. If you make a research of those who are left-handed, you will be surprised at the number of world leaders who are.

Being left-handed isn’t a curse, rather a gift from God to do something that everybody can’t do.

So, from today begin to see it as a blessing rather than a curse. You feel differently, because you think it is a curse, something to be ashamed of, to be hidden. All these feelings are negative thoughts, which will never allow you move forward or do anything positively. As a marketer, you think everybody is conscious of your limitation, hence feel very inadequate to market.

The major question you should ask yourself, how has being left-handed affected your level of intelligence or appearance? How does it make you different from the other people around you? Shouldn’t the fact that you are daily being given higher responsibilities in both the circular and spiritual worlds not tell you there is something special about you?

Wake up from the nightmare of the past else it would continue to haunt you.

You don’t have to be a gregarious person to succeed in life. You can be an introvert and still be acceptable to so many. You are the one rejecting every offer of friendship, not people who see in you what you cannot see.

Once you are able to see the quality so many people are today seeing in you to make them want to train under you, request your leadership of the groups they are members of, so many things will begin to work right for you.

By expressing your fears to people, letting them know that you will always need their help to succeed in whatever position of authority you are, you will get the right support to succeed.

Many of us have foundations capable of making us live in fear for the rest of our lives, but have been able to overcome as a result of the special grace of God. What you need is the grace of God to see the special person he has created you to be, once you see how wonderful He has made you, you will not bother about the nightmare of the past, but the wondrous future He has blessed you with.

Go out there and allow the world see who you really are, because underneath all the shyness, pains and fear is a beautiful person waiting to emerge. You are not a mistake, but someone created in absolute love by the Almighty God, who gave you more than the average person, His unconditional grace to change the world around you.

Good luck.

After I Escaped His Trick To Be Deflowered

Dear Agatha,

God continue to bless you for using you to solve so many people’s problems.

I am a girl of 23 years of age, and still a virgin. Without sounding immodest, I have good character as well as qualities in me. This is evident in the number of men who daily want my hand in marriage. I have consistently turned down their requests, because I don't love any of them. You can imagine a man in his 40's and some that are not financially grounded coming to ask for my hand in marriage.

I am looking out for a man who is compatible with me and knows what I want. Fortunately these men were all directed by people whom though I don't know but spoke highly of me. Some of these people have always desired to be friends with me.

What is bothering me now is this particular guy who insists on marrying me, but I am not interested in him. One of the things I have against him is his immaturity. He takes too much for granted.

After turning down his numerous requests to take me out on a date, I finally agreed, unaware of his plans to force me into sleeping with him.

When we got there, I discovered it was a hotel. While in the room, he tried to force me into sleeping with him. When I refused, he threatened that if I don’t agree to marry him, he would get me pregnant.

Since that incident, I have been avoiding him. I want to know if I am still on the right path with God by refusing to greet him.

Oluchi

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Dear Oluchi,

Something tells me you are being stingy with the truth. Besides, so many things don’t fall into place in your story, which makes me wonder at the purpose of your letter.

In the first place, at 23, you are not naïve to know that when a man and woman go into the bedroom alone anything can happen, including rape. When a man takes a woman to the hotel, pays for a room, what do you think he has in mind? A tea party? Are you saying you didn’t know anything when you allowed him to walk you into a hotel and go into a room with him?

Frankly, if he had raped you, nobody would have believed your story, because you would have had a hard time convincing anybody that of your own freewill you went into a hotel room with a man, sat on the same bed with him without you suspecting his motive.

At the point you both entered into the hotel, why didn’t you insist on going back to your house? Why did you follow a man whom you are not interest in having anything to do with into a hotel room? I think you should learn to be very truthful with yourself to avoid the greater calamity of being deceived. The worst kind of tragedy that can befall a woman in particular is that of her self-deception. Be bold enough to admit your own faults to yourself instead of trying to pretend to be who you are not.

A young girl grounded in the ways of God would never in the first place accompany any man into a hotel room. Immediately, she discovers the man is taking her into a hotel, she would insist on being taking back because such a place is not where a young lady should be seen. After all, there are so many eateries where a man can entertain his date.

That you went into the place with him without protest shows your claim to be righteous is suspicious. Righteousness is not what we claim to be, but what we project ourselves to be. It is not an after thought, but something we do effortlessly as well as everyday. Righteousness is like the air we breathe or the food we eat. It comes naturally. What you should ask yourself is where you are right in giving him, the green light only to protect at the last moment? A food that is forbidden should not be toyed with in the first place. You knew you weren’t interested in him, but elected to go into a hotel room with him. What impression did you think he got from that action?

Rather than keep malice with him for something you called upon yourself, you should apologise to him for leading him on. He must be a decent man to have allowed you go without forcing his wishes on you. Not all men can be counted on to do such a gentlemanly thing in a hotel room where no one would condemn him for taking the liberty of what you offer. Learning to say sorry and asking for forgiveness is what endears us to God.

As a young girl just starting out in life, it would do you a lot of good to be very honest about your values, so you don’t end up with nothing at the end of the day. Nobody would blame you if along the line you have made one or two mistakes. It is part of everyday living, but to claim to be who you are not is what irritates as well as attracts condemnation.

Another thing you should avoid is immodesty. Allow people to blow your trumpet, because pride goes before fall.

Good luck.

Pregnant For My Husband’s Friend, Doctor Doubts Abortion…

Dear Agatha,

I know what I am about to share with you is so disgraceful, but when someone is faced with a challenge like the one I am facing, shame takes a distant back seat.

Two years ago, my husband travelled to the United States of America in search for greener pasture. The children and I couldn’t go with him because of so many factors I don’t want to mention here.

When he got there, things too didn’t look too bright, but being a very responsible man, he took the first job he was offered to enable him meet his obligations to us, back in Nigeria.

Things progressively got better until I began to feel lonely. Initially I could control the urges, but it got so bad that I had to capitulate to the feelings at a point especially as a friend of mine who also resides in United States of America called to say my husband was involved with a woman.

He has this friend who has never hidden his interest in me, even when my husband was around. Since he left, he has been a constant visitor to our house, helping out with the children and giving financial support from time to time.

About five months ago he came on one of those days I was missing my husband’s company so much. The children had gone to my sister-in-law’s place to spend the weekend so I was alone.

Unfortunately, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping with each other. From that point it became a regular habit. I guess I got careless because I just found out that I am pregnant for almost three months, and the worst of it all is that the three doctors I went to for abortion declined because of the position of the fetus. They all say if I attempt to do anything to the baby, I might end up dying in the process.

As if that isn’t enough complications, my husband’s friend after giving me money to abort the baby has started avoiding me and has warned me not to allow his wife know about it. He threatened to deny me if I ever make the mistake of mentioning his name to anybody.

Left with no choice, I went for spiritual help only to be told too that this child is indestructible and that any attempt by me would involve my life.

Agatha, please help me out, because this problem is beyond me. I am 34 years of age. How do I face my husband, children, and the world? Who do I tell them is responsible for my pregnancy?

Knowing my husband, not only would he kill me, he would also kill the man who is responsible before taking his own life.

Honestly, I don’t know what I expect from you, but I just need someone to talk to. I also feel like going to my husband’s friend house to tell the wife what has happened and the response of her husband to my situation.

I feel bad at the way he is treating me.

Please help me.

Confused Wife.

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Dear Confused Wife,

I am honestly short of words and as confused as you are on how best you can survive this problem without giving up your home.

Under this circumstance, it is the most honourable thing for you to do. You have done the unforgivable, not only did you commit adultery, you did it with someone considered to be your husband’s friend and are now carrying the result of that incident for all to see.

There is no greater shame than what you have done, sleeping with another man who isn’t your husband, and getting pregnant. That a friend told you that your husband was unfaithful to you doesn’t justify what you have done. It is something you wanted to do, because you couldn’t control your feelings. It would do you a lot of good to accept your mistake, because you knew the motive of this man from the beginning, even when your husband was still around. Yet you didn’t do anything to put a distance between the two of you, report him to your husband and stopped him from coming close to you when your husband travelled.

The truth is you encouraged him, because you felt something for him. He knew it was only a matter of time before you capitulated to his desires for you and he was proven right when you did.

If he is insisting you don’t get his family involved in your little secret, you can’t blame him because you are the one who didn’t think of the implications of sleeping with another man. He didn’t force you to do what you did, and at 34, you can’t claim to be ignorant of what you were going into when you agreed to sleep with him without protection.

Even if truly your husband were having an affair, there is no way you can prove it, whereas the fact of your pregnancy is enough to tell the world that you are guilty of adultery. Besides, being a woman, you are expected to show more decorum when it comes to issues like this, because of the attendant complications that come from a woman playing around. This is because when a woman is a caught pants-down, she not only implicates herself but also drags her innocent children into the mud alongside with her.

What you have done goes beyond your pregnancy to include that of the paternity of your existing children. Understandably, your husband and his family would now begin to question the paternity of your children, especially if they don’t bear close resemblance to him. Even when they do, any misbehaviour would earn them unfavourable remarks from people determined to remind them of their mother’s foible. It would take a long time for these children to function properly on account of what you have done especially if you fail to take a decision now to protect them from your own mistakes.

Before your pregnancy becomes obvious, tell your husband about it. It is unfortunate that this type of information has to be given on phone, but it is best he hears the story from you than from any other one. It is best you make up your mind now to face the music of your actions, no matter how unpleasant the melody. There is no point waiting for your husband to react or send you packing. It won’t do you or your children any good for this matter to blow up on your face.

Telling and leaving him is the most honourable thing to do in this situation. The decision of where to leave the children for now until you have the baby away from prying eyes should be taken by the two of you. The immediate issue now is how to protect your children from this moral mess, something you must emphasis to him. What you are trying to do now is damage control of a truly bad situation.

If your sister-in-law can afford to accommodate the children until the birth of the child, it would be best they are left with her, while you relocate to a place where nobody knows you to have this child.

Once the child is born, things will be a lot easier to control. By then you and your husband can come to an agreement on the best option for the children, but don’t force your opinion or wish, because frankly you have lost every right to insist on anything concerning the welfare of those children.

Sad as this is, it is the way of the society. Many things men get away with, a woman, because of our nature and roles in the society, cannot get away with same.

To earn the respect and support of your children again, it would take determination, sacrifices, new focus, and beginning to achieve. Don’t insist on having custody of the children if your husband decides to make things difficult for you. Try to understand the pains and bitterness he is going through. It is one thing for you to have an affair, but to have done so with his friend and gotten pregnant in the process is more than a lot of men can cope with or get over. So respect his feelings by refusing to respond to whatever he says or actions he takes.

Believe me, it is the only way to make all the talks and nastiness to go away quickly as well as prevent the children from being witnesses to your shame.

As for going to the wife of your lover, what do you hope to achieve by telling his wife? Did he force you into it? Isn’t your situation enough disgrace on it own without you broadcasting what you should cover your face in shame over? He gave what you offered him willingly. Had you treated yourself with the dignity of a married woman, would he have dared to treat you the way he is doing? Such games are for the minors not for a full-fledged woman of 34.

Count your losses and move ahead with the little dignity left.

Good luck.

Mama Halts His Marriage On Tribal Ground

Dear Agatha,

There is this friend of mine that has a big problem, which I know by the grace of God you can solve.

My friend is in a relationship with a girl he loves so much, and the girl equally loves him. Both of them are from different states. The relationship has grown to the level that he considers marrying this girl. I support his plans, because the girl is very industrious.

He discussed with his parents and they accepted his plans, but not to the girl he intends to marry. Their objection is not because the girl is bad, but because of her tribe (Igbo).

My friend’s father is not really against it but his mother, who does not have a formal education and can barely speak English, objects to her son marrying outside their tribe.

She complains that if the son gets married to her, she won't be able to communicate with her especially when she puts to birth, since the girl does not understand their language. She is insisting her son look for another girl from their place. My friend is so confused, don’t know what to do and has told the girl who understandably felt heartbroken and rejected.

Agatha, can she be right? Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.

Good Friend.

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Dear Good Friend,

Your friend doesn’t seem to know what he wants from life, if he did, he would have been able to persuade the mother to think about his own happiness and not her inability to communicate with the girl when she puts to bed.

Your friend would have been able to assure the mother that there is no limit to learning, and that overtime both of them would be able to work out their own method of communication. After all, she won’t be the only mother whose son married a woman who cannot speak her native tongue.

If your friend is actually in love with this woman and is convinced that she makes him happy, he would have done everything to enlist the support of his mother.

Telling the lady about his mother’s feelings and opinion shows that he is not ready for the institution of marriage. He still has a lot to learn, because even when he decides to marry a girl from his clan, what assurance does he have that his mother wouldn’t come up with another excuse to jettison the relationship from coming into full bloom?

In the first place, a relationship is about two people and any man serious about setting up a home never allows third party intervention in his home. His mother can be excused on account of the limitations placed on her by her environment as well as her exposure, but your friend who is more educated and has knowledge of the ability of the woman he hopes to marry is better placed to mediate between the two women. Rather than tell his woman about the submission of his mother, he should have been man enough to tell his mother that this is the only woman who makes him happy.

He should have asked his mother what made a good wife, the woman’s ability to communicate in their local dialect or capability at making him happy?

A man who knows what he wants from life would have asked the mother what is most essential to her, a woman who is respectful, resourceful or one who meets with her requirement of being able to speak in her native tongue, but rude and disrespectful?

His inability to offer his woman protection is an indication that he may not really be in charge of his marriage at the end of the day.

It might be a blessing in disguise for the lady, who though hurting now should begin to reconsider her choice, because if something as mundane as her inability to speak the same dialect can torpedo the relationship, what guarantees are there that when something major comes up in the relationship, the man would not abandon her to her own fate?

Even if the man comes back, she needs more than mere assurances that he would stand by her through thick and thin.

On the issue of whether your friend’s mother is right, you know she isn’t, because if truly she is after her son’s happiness, the first thing would have been to accept the girl and teach her how to speak the language.

Your role, as a good friend, is to go to your friend’s mother and find out the real issue. If she insists it is just a mere matter of both of them being unable to communicate effectively, assure her it is a simple matter of the lady being taught the basic words to give both of them a starting point.

Assure her that the lady has expressed her willingness to earn her support by going out of her way to learn the dialect of her husband’s people.

Knowing that she intends to learn may thaw the tension generated by her attitude. You also need to talk to your friend too especially as it has to do with the running of his home.

Your role as a true friend is to ensure peace as well as make out time to pray for both of them.

Good luck.

Help! Parents Persecute Me For Changing My Faith

Dear Agatha,

I live in one of the Islamic states in Nigeria. I recently moved over to a new faith called Christianity and since then it has not been easy for me. This is because I come from a very strong Islamic family.

Before my conversion, I repeatedly kept having strange dreams of a different calling but didn’t understand what these dreams were about as at then.

Thank God I now understand the messages all the dreams were trying to convey. One Sunday, without telling anybody in the house except my sister, I went into a place I had never entered before and which until that point irritated me to my bone.
But on this particular Sunday, a power beyond my comprehension took me to that particular church, a small place but one I am glad I went into. It was smoothening to my soul. I met new friends who all embraced and welcomed me as if they had known me all my life.

Almost immediately, the news started spreading in the community that I had committed an abomination because my father, an Alhaji, is also an Iman in a mosque.

I was supposed to take after him being the only son of the family of 26 children and four wives. Before I knew what was happening, the church I attended was suddenly burnt to dust. Some people said it was an accident, but I know what happened to it.

Since then, no church in my area allows me into its building to prevent the accident that happened to the first church. Despite the opposition from my family, I feel am doing the right thing, but the frustration is just too much for me now.

My father plans to take me to the village very soon, a place I will have no Christian friends and my movement restricted.

I attend the polytechnic in my state and my father has told me I risk losing my education if I continue my madness. The only person I missed is my friend who stood by me despite all odds. He was posted out of the state after he was attacked by people said to be “area boys”, but I know who sent them.

Please I don’t have friends who are Christians and right now, I am willing to forgo my education and follow the dictates of my heart, but I need encouragement and advice from people who are Christians who are our there. This is why I want you to help publish my mobile 08057852877 because the people who are around me are discouraging me. All I want is support to prove them wrong and keep firm in my new faith.

Abdul.

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Dear Abdul,

Nothing good ever comes easy and change is never easy to bring about especially when it involves conversion from known religion to the other.

Your parents’ reaction is normal because they don’t understand why you are leaving a familiar tradition for a new one. They don’t feel what you feel inside; besides, they have a dream and heritage, one you are expected to fit into or inherit from them.

Being the only son out of 26 children, your father’s expectation is very high. You represent his tradition, life as well as the heritage of a long line of ancestors. This is why he is prepared to do anything to make sure you don’t destroy something he had preserved, holding in trust for his forefathers.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the ways of God, we are nothing but clay in His hands. He is an unquestionable God, who doesn’t need our support or contribution to do what He pleases.

He has chosen you to follow Him and frankly, there is little you can do to prevent the tide from going the way He pleases.

Since He called you out of the family, He knows about all the situations you are going through and has other plans for you. At this critical stage, what you need to do first is to discover the awesomeness of the God who called you. It is Him you should turn to the most. It is the only way you can be exposed to His presence as well as prepare you for the challenges of overcoming the antagonism of your family.

While it is good to have others around you to help you grow in your new religion, there is no alternative to hearing Him guide you Himself on what you must do and how to go about it. You must know the reason He called you out of your house to be able to defend Him always. Without you creating the room for this personal experience, you may never get to Him the personal way every child knows his or her father.

It is only when you know His voice that you can recognise it and follow His instruction without questions.

Learn how to talk to Him by praying to Him to show you how to handle your family as well as demonstrate His presence in your life.

In this journey, you are going to be maligned, disowned by people who are your friends, everything may turn upside down but know that God is leading you to new things, removing your old garments and replacing them with newer ones, changing your destiny from what you thought it was to something He planned for you even before you were born, is all you need to stay focused.

Whatever your parents do, it is essential you don’t hold anything against them because the God you now serve is one who is forgiving and accommodating. You must learn to handover every thing, issue, thoughts to God to triumph in your new journey of faith.

Don’t take any decision on your own. Learn to be properly guided by the Holy Spirit whose ministry is to lead us in the right direction. The issue of you discontinuing your education or not, should be left in the hands of God. At the right time, He will show you how to progress but before then, pray in your heart every moment you have. It is the one place your family cannot go into to disturb, attack or burn.

As for having friend to share the fellowship with, it is necessary and I am sure a lot of Christians who read this piece will get in touch with you.

Don’t worry, God will navigate a path out of your problems for you because He never begins a thing He has no intention of finishing. For some of us, our call is easier than others depending on the role He has in mind for you.

Good luck.

I Don’t Want To Marry The Mother Of My Child

Dear Agatha,

I need advice. I am 34 and my woman is 23. We both have a child, a one-year-old baby girl between us. We are yet to marry officially.

Despite having a child together, I am scared of having any permanent arrangement with her. From her attitude, stubbornness, quarrelsome and fighting habits, I am thinking of looking for another woman to marry because I won’t be able to cope with her general attitude. Her attitude is making me reconsider whatever plans we had together.

Because of the child between us, I am faced with the choice of marrying another girl or managing her irrespective of her character. My parents all support my marrying her for the sake of justice.

Luk.

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Dear Luk,

Granted, marriage is a product of sentiments and emotions but when it comes to its execution and sustainability, it pays from the beginning to be realistic about one’s goals as well as workability of the relationship.

Although the child between the two of you should ordinarily qualify her for the position of being your wife, but knowing the various components that make up the framework of marriage, it is in the long run overall interest of your union for both of you, particularly you who is having this huge misgivings about marrying her, to consider well.

Being a lifetime commitment, you have every right to worry about the character as well as disposition of the woman you intend living with for the rest of your life. Being the major players in the union, there is no emphasising the need for both of you to have a uniformed focus as well as a certain level of understanding to be able to confront and defeat the inherent challenges of two people coming together under the agreement of marriage.

Like in every partnership, respect is mandatory because without it, chance of the union to make headway is suspect. From this early beginning, both of you must learn about the virtue of mutual respect. Both of you must know what your limitations are as well as outright forbidden areas.

No matter what her background may be, she has to be willing to give it up for the happiness of her marriage.

Aside the issues you mentioned, what other issue are you not comfortable with? Have you at anytime tried to point her at the implications of her attitude on whatever plans she has of marrying you? What is her reaction when you tell her about your displeasure with her quality of behaviour? When did it begin to bother you or notice that she is what you consider anti-social? Was it before or after the birth of your daughter? What were your views of her before the arrival of the baby?

Most importantly, have you bothered to look at her background? Except for some very few, many of us are reflections of what our backgrounds are. Where did you two meet? And before going to bed with her and getting her pregnant, did you bother to investigate her person, background, attitude as well as disposition towards life? Did you simply take her to bed because she was just one woman who caught your fancy?

And what assurances do you have that another woman would be different from her? What mistakes do you think you made in the first place? Did you ever love her, consider her as being part of you? What plans do you have for the child? In your opinion, what kind of marriage do you have in mind? And what do you understand by marriage – a stress-free union or one with plenty of compromises, sacrifices, tolerance and patience? Are you sure these issues you are objecting to in her character would not appear insignificant later in life when the years have mellowed down the rigidity you feel now? Isn’t there a quality about her that you find so irresistible and irreplaceable in another woman; something so strong to help you cope with her not too good side?

These are the issues you must first address as honestly as possible before you make up your mind about another woman or not. Frankly, your perception of marriage is integral to the resolution of the emotional impasse you have found yourself in.

Because the life and future of an innocent child is involved, be truthful that what you complain about her are real issues you simply cannot cope with either now or in the future.

Bear in mind that as a person, we all come with factory defects; there are some habits you have which are simply unacceptable but which she is learning to cope with because of love.

At this point, please call her to discuss the future with her. Having a child together means you cannot afford to treat her like you would treat any other woman or consign her to history forever. The child between you means whether you both like it or not, you would always have occasion to speak or come together in a social gathering.

To avoid permanent enmity between the two of you, the talk should be honest and very extensive. It is also important both of you come to a consensus on the final decision to prevent the child suffering from the results of the emotional war such a situation normally generates.

If convinced that you cannot cope with her, it is best you take the decision now to free her from the double burden of being a mother and a divorcee? It is also important at this stage to think of the welfare of the child who must not suffer lack of care, affection and attention.

It is also important that every member of your family is carried along because you need their cooperation in the care of the baby whether the child stays with her mother or you.

When all issues are brought to the open and jointly agreed on, it forecloses any room for suspicion or rumours.

Importantly, please pray about this and listen to God’s word on the matter.

Good luck.

Should He Change His Religion?

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. I met him online. We love each other a lot. It is just that he is Muslim and I’m a Christian. He lives in Sri-Lanka, while I live in Nigeria. What do we do? His parents support us, but I know my parents won’t.

He wants to come over in six months time for our engagement, but I am confused. Should I tell him to change his religion?

G. Girl.

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Dear G. Girl,

You knew all about his religion before falling in love with him, so why are you now bothered about it? Or is it that you are not sure about what you feel for this man?

Asking him to change his religion is very unrealistic and certainly doesn’t offer any meaningful solution to your religious differences. It would only serve to deceive your parents who at the end would be hurt when they discover what you have done in your desperation to marry the man you say you have fallen in love with.

Instead of trying to deceive your parents and yourself in the process, take time out to ask yourself why you are in this relationship, what you find most interesting and essential in this man?

Deep in your heart, do you think you love him unconditionally enough to let go of everything that is familiar and proud to advertise this love? Your fear about confronting your parents with his religion as well as your willingness to make him tell a lie should sound as an alarm to you. If anything at all it shows your feelings need to be subject to further scrutiny to avoid preventable mistakes in your life. Marriage is a lot more serious than you are making it out to be. For any marriage to work, it requires plenty of honesty, tolerance as well as immeasurable sacrifices.

Besides, what do you know about him, his culture, his people and their way of life? Have you seen him, interacted with him to know for sure he is the right man for you?

Your parents’ opposition may not come from your religious differences as such, but from all the other considerations that make a marriage succeed.

The first thing for you now is to ask him to come, not to pay your bride price, but to give both of you a fair chance of sizing up your acceptability of each other.

What you have of each other is an Internet image, which could just be a puff of cloud. No viable marriage can be built on idealism; it needs plenty of bitter doses of reality to make it work.

So, get your priority right before taking that essential step. If the feeling is real and right, both of you would cross this very bridge when you get there.

Good luck.

He Promises Paradise, Friend Blackmails Me

Dear Agatha,

There is no better person I would like to share this problem with. My boyfriend’s love for me used to be unconditional until I was blackmailed by friend. Since then he has found it difficult to believe I am not after his money. I get less or no attention from him since then.

We started dating last year December. From the very first moments we met, he did everything to tell me true love exists. He taught me the meaning of true love. He has actually proposed marriage to me and told me to leave whosoever I was dating, because he meant every word about wanting me permanently in his life.

In turn, I told him my story and how my father is striving to take care of us. In January, he went back to his base, but kept in touch by his frequent phone calls. He seems to be on the phone every minute and never deprived me of anything I asked for.

To my pains, I later discovered he has a wife and child. When I confronted him, he didn’t deny it, but explained that he only married the white lady to make his stay in America permanent. He begged me not to leave him on account of his marital status, because he cannot afford to let me go. This was until my friend blackmailed me.

From that point he changed. In addition to reducing the frequency of his communication with me, he stopped sending me money. All these started about the nine months ago. Because of the promised I made to him, I haven’t allowed any man close to me despite not being sure he is still interested in marrying me. Besides, with the experiences I am having with him, I am not so sure I can cope with long distant relationship. Again, I can’t marry a man who already has a wife.

The thing now is that I am finding it very difficult to fall in love with another man. February was the last time he sent me money. It doesn’t really bother me because I am not after his money. I truly love him and hoping he will one day change to the loving man I fell in love with.

But I am beginning to run out of patience, because I am a young lady who desires a serious man in her life. Agatha what can I do since I am fed up, hoping he would change as well as striving to get little things a boy should ordinarily provide for his girlfriend. I am tired.

Dejected Girl.

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Dear Dejected Girl,

Do you know what you want at all? Perhaps you should start by being honest with yourself. On one hand you said you are not keen on marrying a married man, but here you are still hoping this man (married with a wife and child) would come back to you? Isn’t this a contradiction?

Besides, what did you do to make your friend blackmail you? Surely you must have done something to warrant this friend blackmailing you, because blackmail happens when there is something to hide? What did you do? And what sort of blackmail did your friend execute to make him believe you are after his money? The question is are you really in love with him? Or say you are because of the peaks that come from dating a man who lives in America. What did you tell your friend about your feelings for him or impression you gave to make the friend able to convince the man that you might be interested in his money only?

Frankly, from your story, you may not be able to convince anyone that your interest in this man isn’t the money you get from him. For instance, why are you still hoping a man who is married would come back to you? To do what? To marry you when you claim you cannot marry a man who is already married? If this were true, then you should have since moved on with your life, because he belongs to another woman with whom he already has a child.

Even if you agreed to marry him before you found out he has a wife and child, your discovery automatically frees you from any commitment you have made in ignorance to him. So, what are you waiting for? What is preventing you from accepting to date other men if your interest has nothing to do with the money he was sending you before your friend fibbed on you? Isn’t it obvious from his attitude that he has lost interest in you? Or is it you are hoping he would come back home in December to give you the opportunity of presenting your case?

Has it also occurred to you that a man who finds it easy to cheat on a wife can do so easily with another woman without thinking much of it? In that woman’s shoes how would you feel? A man who exhibits no qualms telling you he married a woman because of the advantage he hopes to get from such a union cannot be trusted to invest his interest too much in any relationship or woman.

One thing you must never forget is that as long as his bread is being buttered by his marriage to that woman, you will never feature prominently in his life, because he risks losing too much from advertising his relationship with another woman.

Unless you are willing to tell yourself the truth concerning your interest in life and what you hope to achieve by waiting for this man, you may never be able to get out a clear picture of where you should go in life.

In the first instance, what do you know about this man? Would you have on such a short time of meeting him, agree to marry him if he weren’t lavishing money and gifts on you? What are your moral values in life? Despite your said position about not wanting to marry a married man would you jettison that if he comes back to you?

There is no better time for you than now to re-order your priority to prevent more disappointments in future. There are various reasons people go into relationship. Whatever your reason may be, learn to be very honest about it and stop being pretentious, because ultimately it is what you want from life that would work for you.

I can give you the best advice here, but if you are not honest about what you want from life, it won’t work. So, first of all clear the fog you have generated in your life by learning to tell the truth, at least to yourself. It is only after that you will have the clear vision to look ahead and take to corrections.

Begin by praying that God helps you to see and appreciate the essence of telling yourself the truth.

Good luck.

I’m Uncertain He’ll Return To Hook Me

Dear Agatha,

There is this man in my life I have dated for almost two years now. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. My problem now is that he has travelled abroad, and I don’t know whether I should wait for him, though he told me to.

My fear is that he didn’t say he is going to marry me, and I don’t know whether he will still come back for me. To tell the truth, I am afraid of losing him.

Worried Lover.

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Dear Worried Lover,

If this man is yours, he would come back to you, irrespective of the different experiences you are both going through.

I know a lot of things can go wrong with love when the couple stays apart, but nothing is impossible when one submits to God.

Even though there was nothing concrete between the two of you before he left, your two years of being together has given you some rights to ask clear questions from him.

Rather than worry about what you should do, why not call him to ask what his plans are for you? Don’t be ashamed to ask, because it is your life that is at stake. It is best your decisions are based on solid grounds rather than on mere imagination.

In asking, make it clear that you are asking not to force him into making any promises to you, but to help you decide on what your next actions should be. Since it would be pointless to wait for him when he has no intentions to take the relationship beyond the level both of you were before he travelled.

Listening to him would inform you on what decision to make. Whatever decisions you both come up with, learn to trust and have faith in God to help you cope.

Good luck.

He Wants Me Without Wedding, Bride-price

Dear Agatha,

I must congratulate you for the way you have been tackling problems. I pray for more wisdom for you.

I am 26 years of age. I have a fiancé, who though has come for consultations with my parents, but yet to formalise any marriage rites, both traditional and white wedding with me.

He wants me to move in with him. My parents insist he does everything he is expected to do on me before I go to live with him.

My fiancé isn’t happy at the position of my parents and I am so confused.

Please advise me on what do I do.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

I wonder why you are confused about the position of your parents. Without your parents insisting he does the right thing, shouldn’t you feel insulted that he is asking you to come and live with him while he makes up his mind on whether to marry you or not? Besides, what right does he have to be unhappy with the position of your parents? As a matter of fact, he should cover his face in shame for making such a proposal to you. If he has any respect for your parents, he wouldn’t come with such a proposal.

From your reactions, it is obvious you haven’t done enough to project yourself to this man as a young lady schooled in proper morals whose parents invested time into pointing her at the right direction. If you did, he won’t have the courage to ask you to pack in with him. For him to have said that means you must have given him the impression that you are beyond control, and that you can do whatever you like irrespective of what your parents feel. This is why he is angry at the turn of events.

What will it cost him to pay your bride price? If he feels he is able to cope with a woman under his roof, he should be prepared to meet the responsibilities that go with living with a woman under his roof.

Don’t cheapen your values or bride price by opposing the position of your parents, because only those who know the value of kola-nuts cover it up with leaves. If this man appreciates your essence and importance to him in life, he would never have suggested you come to live with him first before he does anything on you.

Marriage isn’t contracted on credit. Coming to your parents for consultation isn’t the same thing as performing all the marital rites on you. Going to stay with him is a risk because if marriage can go bad, what assurances do you have that he won’t, after a while, get tired of you and pack up the entire process of you two coming together? Where would that leave you?

If you are that valuable to him, he would do everything within his power to ensure he covers your shame of coming to live with him without him paying a dime on you.

Now think, of what use would it be for him to come and pay your bride price since he already has the privilege of your presence in his bed and house? Since he can have the advantage of you free of charge in his life without the legal encumbrance of marriage, do you think he would be in a hurry to do it when he can call it quits at anytime without thinking of the moral and religious pressures connected to divorce?

There is always a flip side to every issue. You may feel so much in love with him and he with you now, but take the time out to think of that tomorrow when the stress of living together gets to you both, and your so perfect mien becomes imperfect. Do you think this man has what it takes to make you a good husband?

Rather than waste precious time on the refusal of your parents to allow you move in with him, why not concentrate more efforts at researching him; investigating his person, attitude as well as general perception of life?

These are more important things to you rather than the issue of you going to live with him. What both of you fail to understand is that what you hope to do now, living with each other, are the things that ever go away in a relationship; the unlimited sex life you hope to achieve by coming to live with each other is one thing you will end up doing until you are tired of it.

But for it to come out right, as a blessing rather than a duty, it is important you give your relationship the right foundation else you will never be happy in the long run.

To better appreciate your parents’ point of view, take a trip into the future, how would you feel if your daughter comes to you that she intends packing in with a man who hasn’t paid her bride price?

Stop acting the confused girl; insist you aren’t prepared to disobey your parents by coming to live with him. That marriage, to you and your family, isn’t meant to be test ran. Make it clear that he is prepared to go into marriage once and for all.

Good luck.

The Prophecy That Turns My Romance Around

Dear Agatha,

My sincere prayer for you is that God will give you long life, good health, and unexpected favours. I mean God will surely bless you.

I am a regular reader of your column and I am always encouraged and blessed whenever I read you.

I just quit a relationship of three and half years, I truly love this guy and he also says he loves me, but the problem we had was defining the relationship.

We were so deep in love that we were the envy of others. When the relationship was a year old, I called him to inquire where the relationship was heading. He told me God is the one that will determine because his main concern was growing his business to make it easy for him to provide for a family. The reason being that he wouldn’t want his wife and children to suffer. I saw reasons with him and let the matter rest.

A year later when I saw things were going on fine with him, I brought up the issue again, he told me he has not gotten any vision concerning marriage from God and besides he doesn’t want to promise any lady until he is ready, this time I wasn’t comfortable with his answer, all I did was to hand over everything to God. I was patient until the third week of August this year, when I went for a vigil in a youth fellowship; the guest speaker was a Prophet of God. In that vigil, the Prophet came to tell me that I am a ‘hidden treasure,’ that I am a treasure but hidden. He also said that he saw a veil on me and that in 14 months time I will get married, later he said I should see him after the programme. Some other youths present in the programme were also prophesied on.

After the programme, I went to see him; he told me many things about myself, and also said I should be very careful. He asked if am in a relationship, I said yes. He said the guy in question is not my husband and that he is a stumbling block to my real husband. He told me what he meant by me being a hidden treasure, so he encouraged and advised me.

When I went home I asked God to help me, because I was so confused, I didn’t know what to do. I invited this guy to discuss the prophecy, I told him what the prophet said. But I did not tell him that he said he was a stumbling block so that he will not misunderstand me. His response was to ask if we should quit the relationship, but later said I should not worry that God is in control. Though deep within me I was not comfortable.

Two weeks ago, I called him to discuss the issue as well as express my disappointment with his response to my questions. Thereafter, I asked if he would be ready to marry me in 14 months time. This time he told me everything in his mind, he said he has not even started praying for marriage and that he doesn’t want to make the mistake his father made by marrying the wrong woman who made him to marry two more wives. He said he has not gotten any vision for marriage yet.

At that point, I told him we should quit the relationship, but he protested, insisting I should tell him if there is another person in my life. I told him not to misunderstand me and that it is over between us. It was not easy, but I have to let go, since then he has been calling me and asking about my welfare.

I want you to tell me if I did the right thing. I want you to also correct me wherever I went wrong. I want to start a new life and I don’t want to make any mistake. I am 24, he is 32 from a catholic background, while I am of Pentecostal.

Chichi.

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Dear Chichi,

In life there is a fixed time and season for every thing. No matter how much we desire a particular thing, there is no fast-forwarding the process unless God permits it. Those who have at one time or the other tried to play God end up with more disappointments than they began with.

You appear to be in a haste to marry so much so, you haven’t taken out time to study the nature of the man or think properly about the qualities that you want in a man. You are putting the cart before the horse. In the first place, at 24, you don’t have any reason to appear so desperate so why are you? Frankly your level of desperation is frightening and could make a young man wonder at your hurry. Perhaps this is what the pastor means by the stumbling block. You could be a stumbling block to yourself through your behavior and enough patience to allow things flow in the time God has ordained.

Granted this man may have his own problems but your attitude is capable of making very afraid of your motive as well as appreciation of his own ideas about life. He appears to be a man who likes taking his time planning his life while you appear as someone who is concerned about the immediate before planning.

If he is hesitant, it is because he is afraid at your apparent desperation to marry. As one requesting for marriage, what are your visions of it? What do you know about the institution? How prepared are you for the challenges ahead. It is one thing to desire marriage; it is another thing to have the knowledge of what it takes to succeed.

You can only recognize the right man for you only if you have a very clear vision of what you want from life, especially when it comes to the issue of marriage.

Before you end up making the worst kind of mistake of your life, there is the need for you to take some time off to ask yourself some relevant questions concerning your future else even when the right man comes, you may end up driving him away with your act of desperation.

As for what the pastor said, there is the need for you to pray and depend on what God wants for you. If this man weren’t yours, he would go even if he makes up his mind that you are the right woman for me.

Marriage is a blessing from God hence, ensure you involve Him in all your plans.

Good luck.

Re: Should I Quit Or Succumb To His Bid To Deflower Me

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Four Years After Sex-free Affair, He’s Tired Waiting After Sex-free Affair, He’s Tired Waiting

Dear Agatha,

My relationship is four years of age. And being born-again, we have never made love, but to my surprise he wants to reverse that now, insisting we sleep with each other. Although I have resisted him so far, but for how long, since we are very much into each other? I am really confused on how to handle the matter especially as we are also business partner?

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

There is the need for both of you to sit down and discuss the new development as matured adults. At the meeting both of you should discuss this development with as much honesty as possible. Every relationship needs a period of growth. The issues of four years ago are obviously no longer relevant to him, hence the need for you both to table all outstanding matters for resolution. He may think having stayed with you for four years entitles him to your trust, have dispelled the fears you nursed about him four years ago, and that the long period has given him the right to ask for sex.

Sincerely, you cannot condemn him for that, because he has a right to ask just as you have a right to say no. But the onus is now on you to educate him on why you must insist on maintaining the status quo until your wedding night. Tell him, as nicely as you can, that it isn’t a matter of not trusting him sufficiently, but that of being faithful to the God you both profess. If you are both born-again and swore from the beginning that your relationship would be devoid of sex until you are both married, it would be wrong to go back on it now. Just as it is easy to go back on the promise you both made to the God you serve, so would it be extremely easy for either of you to go back on whatever promises you make to each other.

Four years isn’t four days, hence you must be careful on the type of words you use to convey your message to him. Frankly, the results you get would depend on the maturity you apply to this issue. Simply saying ‘No’ doesn’t address the issue of his desires for you or make sense to a man who wants to make love. If you fail to be very diplomatic and refuse to coax him with the right words, he would feel you are very insensitive and selfish on account of you not providing him with enough reasons to keep things as they currently are. But when you present your case as a woman who understands because you also have blood flowing in your veins; know precisely the pains of denying yourself what is natural, he would listen and accept since he knows you too desire him, but just want things done the right way. In defending your earlier agreement, you must learn to show sympathy for his feelings and desire. It is the only way you can get him to listen to you on this matter. Being angry, rude, or refusal to understand the legitimacy of his desire cannot win this kind of challenge. By first acknowledging that his desire is normal and not out of place, you immediately succeed in easing him up to listen to what you have to say. Often than not anger and fight come when the woman in question remains obstinate as well as refusing to appreciate the sacrifices involved in a man’s self-denial.

A lot would depend on how fair you appear to him on this subject. First appreciate the sacrifice he has made to you before pleading for more time. But if he insists it is either his way or nothing, then you may have no choice but to let go because it would mean your four years have been spent pursuing different ideologies. If you two have been able to grow the relationship on the right foundation, this issue can be resolved without you compromising your beliefs or forfeiting the relationship. What you require is wisdom and prayers.

As for the business you have together, the way you two are able to resolve your personal problem would tell how far you go as business partners.

Good luck