Expelled In Final Year For Writing Her Paper…

Dear Agatha,

I just want to say that you are God sent. I am very confident that you will solve my problem the way you resolve other people’s problems.

February last year I was expelled from school due to examination malpractice for helping someone I loved and thought was in love with me write her examination.

I developed the habit of helping write her examination from our first year in school. It was in our final year that luck ran out on me. I got caught, faced the school senate and was found guilty that led to my expulsion from school.

During this period she was extra nice to me, always there for me because I lied to the senate that I wrote the examinations for her without her knowledge and permission because she wasn’t feeling fine.

She currently serves (NYSC) in Lagos and sometimes invites me over to spend time with her almost every month until January this year when she eventually got a job and the whole story changed.

She stopped calling me and when I call her, she would refuse to pick her call except I hid my number or use a pay phone. Three months after, I decided to visit her and was told she had moved out by one of her close friends who lived close to her. She was surprised that I didn’t know my girlfriend had packed out. She volunteered to take me to her new apartment, a three bedroom flat.

Agatha, can you believe she didn’t even tell me all these until I saw things for myself. Her friend didn’t bother to follow me inside. She simply pointed the house to me and left with the excuse of having an important thing to do elsewhere.

A young man in boxers called out to her to come and see who was looking for her. When she saw me she was shocked but recovered sufficiently to deny knowing me. I got angry and raised my voice at her prompting the man to come out to ask what the problem was. She called me a tout, a thief as well as one of those 419 people who move around.

Left with no choice, I told the man the entire story about us, but she kept denying it. He ordered me to leave, but I refused insisting I made her who she is and that he has no right to take her away from me.

We eventually got into a fight, which landed both of us at the Police Station. He was released that day because I fought him in his house while I was detained for two days before I was allowed to go when a close friend of mine showed up.

Agatha, I want to know where I went wrong. She has forgotten so soon that I became a drop out because of her.

She would be getting married by next month. Should I go and disrupt the wedding ceremony during the church service?

It has been six months now. I am lonely and heartbroken. I need you to hook me up with someone who will love me for who I am. I know my story is very shameful, but I simply must move on. I don’t want to die young. Each day I get inspiration from your page, hence inspired to share this with you. Please I need you to help me fast.

This is my number, 07059237604. The interested woman should from this beginning to appreciate me for who I am. I also want to thank Independent Newspaper Limited for this column.

Luwis.

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Dear Luwis,

It is unfortunate you have to be so treated by the woman you thoughtlessly gave up your future for. Being in love doesn’t mean one should be stupid and careless. Love is about responsibility for the person you are in love with and to yourself.

Writing her examinations from your first year until your final year when you were caught isn’t love. In the first place, you weren’t doing her any good by taking such thoughtless risks for her.

What you should have done then was to help her with her studies, not write all her examinations for her.

Her attitude isn’t new. She has always manifested it, but because you were too busy and involved with your feelings for her, you didn’t bother to notice. A woman truly in love would have elected at the most crucial point of your rustication to tell the truth with the intentions of trying to get you off the hook.

You were just a willing tool for her to go through the university.

As things are now, don’t make further fool of yourself by trying to fight your way back into her life. Despite your present pitiable condition, she doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t need such a cold-minded woman in your life.

To have denied knowing you, called you a fraudster shows she is capable of doing anything. So, beware and allow her be. She was never meant to be yours and would never be.

Going to her wedding ceremony is needless. You will only be humiliating yourself the more and exposing issues you shouldn’t. Rather, give God all the glory for allowing what happened to you, because if you are serious you will use it to rise again.

Rather than waste precious time trailing her, trying to make her pay for your self-imposed sacrifices, why not think of going back to school. You may have been rusticated from one university, but that doesn’t mean life must come to an end for you.

Get a job and go back for a part-time programme. It is the only way to show people like her that you may be down now, but not out. Hope only comes to an end when one is dead. You are still alive and able to regain much more than you have lost before.

The lesson in all this is simply for you to be honest and focused in life. Had you a focus back then, you would have been careful about doing what you did. Your focus would have been your target.

The only way to get back at this lady is to stop acting desperately, do something useful with your life. Yes, you need a woman to fill the void created by loneliness, but you also need a dream, quality life to be able to keep this woman happy. Your new woman should be made to cope with your mistakes of the past.

Again, to be truly happy with yourself, as well as trust any woman the debris of the past must be thoroughly swept away. And it is only by going back to school and making a useful life (for yourself) that this can be possible.

I appreciate the pains of beginning something you have gone through before, but at the end of the day, it is your only way of revenge, especially to this woman who thinks life has come to an end for you.

A man must have a dream in life to be called a man. Wallowing in pity would only serve to justify her reason for quitting the relationship. In life, there is no room for self-pity. All the time you were going to her, she saw self-pity as well as desperation by you to continue to hold her accountable and responsible for what befell you. Remember, when the chips are down, it was your choice to sit for all her examinations, she didn’t force you to. Always remember this bitter pill of reality, because herein lies your ability to rise again from all these.

At this point, learn to pray for strength as well as determination to move beyond this point.

I am sure an interested woman would get in touch with you through the number you have left.

Good luck.

How Does Woman Know Man That Fits?

Dear Agatha,

Please how can one tell a particular man that he is meant to be the special man in a woman’s life? How would the woman know he would be her husband?

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

There are no hard and fast rules about it. But there are basic things a woman who is on the look out for a man must know. She has to begin from herself. Unless a woman knows what she wants from life, know the type of man who can help her achieve these dreams. She would not know what to look out for beyond the general and often irritating tall, rich and handsome qualities a lot of young women canvas.

So, what are your dreams in life, the type of marriage you want?

When you know, it will be easier for a woman to recognise the man who fits into her life. Then the idea of being tall and rich, would feature less to other qualities the man must have. For instance, she would be able to know if the man is responsible, respectful and has the required drive to make it in life.

A man can have physical beauty but out-rightly ugly inside of him. Whereas, someone who is considered not so good looking, may end up being the most beautiful person on the inside.

So, a lot depends on the type of man a woman wants to live with in her life. The choice of a good or bad husband depends on what she wants. Out there are so many men with diverse qualities for every woman to make a choice. When a woman knows what she wants, getting the right man is very easy.

Good luck.

At 28, I Have No Girl In My Life

Dear Agatha,

May the Almighty God continue to bless you for the good work you are doing. I am 28 year old and don’t even have a girlfriend. I have tried, but all in vain.

Uchenna.

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Dear Uchenna,

It takes courage and confidence to approach a woman. Just learn to be sure of what you want in your woman and look for a woman who has some of the features.

To get it right, look beyond the physical appearances to the inner qualities in a woman. Many a time, people concentrate more on what the person looks like than who the person really is. There are some people with beautiful features on the outside, but have ugly interiors. When it comes to conducting a successful relationship, it is whom we are on the inside that makes the whole lot of difference.

Another mistake you must never make is to tell a woman you are meeting for the first time that you love her. It is a great put off. Begin by offering to be her friend, nothing complicated or demanding. Give time the chance to berth it right.

A woman is more relaxed and accommodating when a man offers her friendship first. This way, she is able to be herself, enjoy the companionship as well as express herself without reservation. This way, a man gets the rare opportunity of observing her at close quarters and making up his mind.

There are a lot of issues to be discussed other than romance when a man and woman get together to be friends.

Also learn to be your natural self. It is important.

Good luck.

He Can’t Honour His Words On Premarital Sex

Dear Agatha,

I am 22 years of age and have been in this relationship for three years with a guy that introduced me to the Bible and taught me everything I know today about the ways of God.

When we started, he was very clear on his stance on premarital sex. Then he told me why we shouldn’t engage in it and how sex doesn’t demonstrate love.

But all these seem to have changed, as he is now demanding for sex. It all started this year. When the demand became too much, I allowed him to have a preview of my body, but didn’t allow him to sleep with me. I have tried unsuccessfully to convince him of the need to maintain the status quo, but he insists it is the only way I can show him I love him.

Agatha, I love him so much and would not want to lose him, but how can I stop him from making these sexual demands?

Angel.

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Dear Angel,

Stand your ground because this man isn’t real and is inconsistent. A man who preaches one thing this minute and does another thing the next cannot be trusted.
From the pressure he is now putting on you to have sex, it is obvious his intentions for you were never honourable, but done to gain your trust and understanding to enable him gain access into your heart.

With the unfolding drama playing itself out now, there is the need for you to be careful to avoid making one of the most painful mistakes many women make at your age.

It is either he waits until your wedding night to have sex with you or allow you be. Don’t fall for his emotional blackmail, because there is no telling with this kind of man. If he finds it so easy to jettison his biblical teachings for the pleasure of his desire for your body, there is nothing to stop him from leaving you after you have capitulated your body to him. He would always have a reason to justify whatever action he takes.

If you decide to stay with him, you will need the wisdom and help of God to cope with him because he appears to be very calculative and with such a man or person, you have to be on constant alert to prevent being caught unawares.

For now, avoid being in a private place with him, because he could force you to heed to him if he runs out of patience of pleading with you. He would definitely apologise later, but the harm would have been done. So, in your own interest, be careful.

Exposing your body to him was the height of temptation, something you must never do again unless you have made up your mind about going all the way. Even if he intended it as a test of your will, you failed because at that point he could have done anything with you and he won’t be found guilty. Don’t ever allow yourself to be pushed into a situation you don’t want. A man determined to stay with a woman would do so whether she gives in to his sexual advances or not. It is called respect for her. If this man has any deep feelings for you, he would endure the inconveniences placed on him by his desires. It is called sacrifices for the sake of love. It isn’t as if couples that decide to wait until their wedding night don’t feel the heat generated by a man and woman being in constant company of each other, but have developed the discipline and respect for each other to endure the situation.

It is this discipline your boyfriend should have brought to play as he started out preaching the Bible to you.

However, it is important you make use of this opportunity to evaluate your relationship. From what is happening, can you really say you know him, can vouch for him at all times? Do you still have the confidence you had in him as when you first started out? How would you rate your three years with him especially in the light of his present behaviour?

Perhaps now is the right time to confront him on his true nature. Challenge him to tell you what he really feels about sex. Tell him that having stayed with him for three years, you have what it takes to handle the truth about him. It is important you know the truth about him because without you having the true image of him, there is no way this relationship can move beyond this point.

You must know the real person behind the mask. It is apparent that you have little or no inkling about him at all. During the talk let him also know what your views are on the issue of premarital sex as well as your determination to stick to your resolution.

The talk will definitely help both of you move the relationship forward by giving you fresh perspective into your relationship.

Being the nature of men, there is little or nothing you can do to stop him from asking for sex. You can only keep resisting him until he gets the message that you are serious about it.

As for losing him, if he isn’t yours in the first place, there is little or nothing you can do to keep him. Even if you sleep with him everyday, he will still go away. So, there is no reason for you to be afraid of a situation you have no control over. Only God can do it for you, hence you should learn to trust him more because this situation could be working in your advantage.

Good luck.

My Only Man Engages In Multi-girl Deals

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your urgent help. I have a boyfriend whose friend told me that another girl has just given birth to a baby girl for him. I also found out that asides this girl, there is another girl he is sponsoring in school, whom he hopes to marry.

My major problem is that he is the only boyfriend I have, because I don’t believe in dating two men at a time. Please what do I do?

Udochi.

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Dear Udochi,

If your information concerning this man is anything to go by, I dare say you are wasting your precious time with him. Already, there are two women in his life, one he is sponsoring in school and the other, the mother of his child.

You don’t have a place in his life unless of course you want to tag along in his already emotionally crowded schedule.

There is nothing stopping you from quitting this relationship and finding another man. So the excuse that you are staying, because he is the only man in your life isn’t tenable at all. You are either staying, because you are afraid of letting go or think you may be unable to attract another man.

If you don’t have the confidence in yourself to move ahead when the signals are pointing at the wrong direction, you risk opening yourself up for more pains and disappointments.

While you should do the right thing by confronting him with the information you have to avoid falling victim to malicious intentions, be prepared to quit if the information you have is true. This is because you don’t have this man at all. Hence, you have nothing to lose, but a lot to gain by counting your losses now and moving on to better things in life.

Even if you decide to brave his deceit, can you endure the quality of his feelings towards you? Do you think you have his loyalty, love and support?

Do you think you can endure the attendant problems of having to fight two other women, who have more claims to him for a love you don’t even know if he has for you or you for him?

Your reason for being with him isn’t because you love him, but because he is the only man in your life. This isn’t enough reason for you to tie yourself down. Only love can give you the strength to fight for the survival of a difficult relationship. Without it you will have nothing, but very painful testimonies to give.

I am also worried about your lack of a clear focus for yourself. It is the drive you need to move ahead in life, to have the stamina to take quick decisions over matters such as this.

Besides, your stepping aside would give him the freedom to face his problems without undue pressures from you. If at the end of the day, God ordained both of you to be together, he would come back. But for now, it is in your interest to step aside and give yourself the chance to be happy.

Good luck.

Any Sure Remedy To Wet Dreams?

Dear Agatha,

There is this problem I am currently facing and don’t know how to get out from. I always have wet dream up to five times in a month to the extent my sperm has became watery and one of my testis is as tiny as beans. I don't know if there is any remedy for it like drug or food I can use to increase my sperm count. I have prayed to God for divine deliverance but the problem has persisted.

Vidic.

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Dear Vidic,

God gave doctors the wisdom to cure. He only steps in the situation when doctors have given up hope. When doctors’ report predicts hopelessness, not in a situation where you haven’t even seen a doctor to examine you, diagnose what the problem is with you. It is when the world fails to find a cure that God steps in to demonstrate His awesomeness. There is no way a student who fails to prepare for an examination would pray to God, expecting miracles to happen just like that. So, asking God for abstracts won’t work. This isn’t an exercise for faith, but that of facing reality. You have a medical condition, which doctors can treat easily.

Doctors didn’t get their knowledge from the devil. They got it from God, like they always tell you theirs is to cure while God does the healing.

God isn’t a magician. He doesn’t work that way. So, you first have to go and see a doctor whose gift from God is to help put a name and find a cure to our medical problems.

Wet dreams aren’t so much of an issue even though in some cases, it shows the presence of psychological problem somewhere.

But there is no way you can be sure your sperm is watery or that the size of your testis has any negative effect unless you subject yourself to the expert knowledge of a trained mind.

Doctors don’t bite. Go to any government hospital near you and tell them your medical problem. This is a pure medical problem, one that I don’t have answers for.

The danger of waiting is the chances of you accruing avoidable complications in your health condition. Don’t delay because it could have very damaging effects. If you can’t go alone, get a friend to accompany you to the hospital, especially if have phobia for hospitals like me.

You will, at least, know what you are up against by the time the doctor examines you.

This is not to say you shouldn’t pray, but it is good you know what you are asking God for. Go to the doctors for the cure and allow God to do the healing. God works perfectly with nature. He gave the knowledge and wisdom to each of us to glorify His name. Going to see a doctor doesn’t make you less of a Christian or doubtful of God’s awesomeness.

Good luck.

Extend Your Couselling Arsenal To The Masses, Please

Dear Agatha,

I give God the glory for your life, by using you to affect many lives positively in the world. Please I would love you to extended your columns as well as the talk you held last time at Airport Hotel to rural areas like villages, local towns, schools, markets and churches, because you can reach out more to many youths who need counselling there.

I made this plea as a result of many young boys and girls, who are out there and don’t care to read newspapers at all.

You must find a way of getting them to listen to the problems of their lives as well as solutions. It is important you and your management think of ways of helping these categories of Nigerians to live a more responsible life.

Worried Youth.

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Dear Worried Youth,

Your concern is noted. We promise you that the next time the ••Just Before Valentine•• programme comes up it will be in one of the places you mentioned. Lack of funds denied the programme this year. If we get the right sponsors, we would hit the streets.

But the youths too should make the effort to read because our paper is well circulated and available in these places you have mentioned. They have to read the paper first to get the awareness for whatever programme this paper would be putting up for them. So, people like you also have the responsibility of creating the awareness and thirst in their hearts.

Agatha.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

God will favour you more than you ever hope and dream for, because of your selfless service to humanity. He won’t forget your own problems. May God fill your mouth with gratitude.

I am interested in establishing a relationship with a lady who must be God fearing, a good communicator, truthful, educated, a devoted Muslim between the ages of 20-28 years of age.

I reside in Lagos. Would appreciate SMS only to 07090146311 or an email to, ••hammeddaramola@yahoo.com••

Abolore.

Can’t Take Him To My Village Without Concrete Love Dealr

Dear Agatha,

I have been in love with the first man I fell in love with for two years now. He claims to love me and I love him too. He never fails to come to see me at home daily. However, I noticed that each time he is with me, there is this number that always calls, which he doesn’t pick in my presence.

This has happened more than three times. Recently I was forced to ask who this particular caller was and why he doesn’t like answering the call in my presence. He told me the caller is always in the habit of beeping him and asked if I suspect him of trying to keep something away from me.

When I told him that it doesn’t appear as if this caller was beeping, he came with the excuse that this caller likes his caller tune, which I am aware he recently added to his phone.

Frankly, this is making me to have second thoughts about him. Even though I have told him on more than two occasions that I am not interested in him, he hasn’t stopped visiting or calling me.

Each time he reprimands me for a naughty action, I always refer him to the secret caller, a reference he seems to dislike with passion. On some occasions he has reminded me of the fact that he hasn’t introduced me to anybody, hence free to kiss or cuddle a lady on his laps, but that whatever he does with any lady is unimportant because what he feels for me is very special.

Agatha, don’t you think he could change overnight if I fully give him my love? He doesn’t appear to be serious with me notwithstanding his claims of love for me. Once, he asked me to take him to my village. When I asked him why he wanted to go to my village, he said he just wanted to know my village. Knowing the deductions people in the village would come up with should I be seen with him, I declined. Part of my reasons for not taking him to the village also had to do with what I told my parents that whosoever I bring to the village would be my husband, something I had stuck to all these while. I don’t know what he has in his mind. How can I take him to my parents without our first discussing the terms of our relationship? We must agree on something before I can take him to them. Agatha, do you think it is fair? I am so confused about him, what do I do?

B.B.

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Dear B.B.

If for two years you have been dating a man you aren’t sure of, then something is fundamentally wrong somewhere. It is either you don’t know what you want from life or both of you are playing a game with each other’s emotions.

In the first instance, why would you waste 24 months on a relationship you are not certain of, a relationship where you have doubts about the man and his motives?

It is either you are in a relationship or not. Having dated this man for two years, what do you think of him? What have you learnt about him other than this mysterious caller whose calls he refuses to take when you are around?

The worst kind of harm you can do to a relationship and yourself is to speculate about the intentions or motive of the other person. It is either you trust his excuse or you don’t. To stay with him and still doubt his motive is harming yourself more than you know.

Get everything in the open. Let him know what precisely you think of him, his attitude, his way of life as well as his sincerity. Your two years together have given you the right to ask questions on areas of doubt in this relationship. Ask him questions on issues you don’t understand at all.

If he has asked you to take him to the village, it means he has something up his sleeve. Instead of declining to take him to the village without any explanation, you should have told him why you didn’t want him to go yet. He would have understood your reasons better than you just telling him an outright no. Sincerely, it wasn’t fair of you to do that because he might go away with the impression that you don’t feel anything for him.

While I agree that both of you should first have a discussion before going to your parents, the fact remains that you have been too encouraging. Telling him you are no longer interested in him while you still welcome him into your home gives a conflicting signal. He could be scared that discussing his plans with you at this point may be counterproductive.

For this reason you must make up your mind now on what you want from him and this relationship, because after a while, he would get tired of giving you subtle hints on how he feels.

Even if he has another relationship and despite you telling him of your disinterest in him, he keeps coming to your house and as well calls you almost everyday, shows you occupy a special place in his heart.

Show him some encouragement. It doesn’t mean you have to do what you shouldn’t do, but let him also know that he isn’t hitting a brick wall with you.

Good luck.

How Do I Win Her?

Dear Agatha,

I like the way you have been solving people’s problems.

Would appreciate if you come to my aid by giving tips on how to get this lady I am interested in to accept me.

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

The first tip is sincerity in all ramifications. Tell her everything she needs to know about you. Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep and never lie about what you don’t have or have.

Despite what a lot of men think, that women like being lied to, there are still many women who appreciate being told the truth.

Don’t also rush her or yourself in the process of falling in love. The trick is to take each day as it comes because many a time what we think is love may just be infatuation or lust. But when a couple begins by being friends, they help each other grow into their faults, strength, pattern, dreams and focus in life.

They are able to confide in each other, provide the support base they both want, maneuvre slippery terrains without it destroying or affecting their relationship negatively.

There is a lot to gain if you don’t on the first date, go professing love. The sensible thing is to offer her friendship and a chance to know each other before any talk about love. A relationship premised on friendship has better chances of surviving the concomitant challenges that come with relationship building. In addition, learn to trust, support, understand, care, tolerate, pray and be determined to succeed against all odds.

Good luck.

He’s Irresponsible, Broadcasts Our Affair

Dear Agatha,

I have been reading your columns in this paper and I must say you are doing a very good job.

There is this guy I met some two months ago. I honestly thought I had found true love with this man, but little did I know I was deceiving myself and that I was entangled with the devil himself.

My story is this: After sleeping with me; he went about saying all sorts of things about me. I now want to see a native doctor to help harm him for me, but I want to hear from you first.

Chinyere.

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Dear Chinyere,

What will you achieve by going to a native doctor to harm him? Will it change the fact that has been circulated about you or the truth that you slept with him? Will it make the memory of what you both had go away? In the first instance, he didn’t force you into a situation you didn’t want to go into and at the point of transaction, you also found it satisfying, so no contract was breached per se. The only ugly thing is what he did thereafter. And it all comes from your inability to read his character from what he says about other people.

Often than not, what people say behind the back of others tell a great deal about who they themselves are. It tells of their moral values and attitudes towards life. This man clearly lacks self- respect, is uncultured and vain to go about telling what you both did in the privacy of your bedroom.

Doubtless, he has acted irresponsibly by broadcasting to everyone things that happened in the confines of a room but the fact remains that if you hadn’t left your flanks unprotected, this man wouldn’t have stories to tell without you being able to challenge him on the authenticity of it. Like I keep saying, sex is not a prerequisite for the success or failure of any relationship. When a relationship is premised on sex only, it ends up becoming an instrument of pains. At the point, had you taken time to investigate his person or settled down to invest meaningfully into the relationship instead of jumping to have sex with him, you wouldn’t be in this moral mess.

What do you expect him to think of you when in just two months of meeting him, you have already gone the whole mile with him? What man would take a woman who presents herself to him like that serious? He is bound to think you are of low morals. He would think you are cheap and so generous with your body.

For a woman, there are basic requirements she must know about a man before jumping into bed with him. What do you know about him before taking the risk of exposing your body to him? For a woman who is serious about her image, it takes more than a chance meeting of two months to sleep with a man.

Even if you aren’t like that, the fact that he had it so easy with you would make him think you are cheap and indiscriminating in your choice of men.

Rather than waste precious time consulting a juju man to harm him, do yourself a lot of good by rethinking and re-branding yourself sufficiently for a man to honour you.

Use this experience to examine yourself, be bold enough to admit to your own faults because that is the only way you can move forward. Even if you consult all the native doctors in the country, without you changing your ways, you will continue to meet men who kiss and tell. You gave room for this man to call you names; after all, you won’t be the first woman he has slept with. Something about your conduct, attitude towards your image gave room for this ugly incident.

The most vital lesson for you is to zip up until the right man comes; and this is on your wedding night. You may seem to have lost everything now, but like a phoenix, you can pick up the pieces again and rebuild, this time with blocks of determination to do things right.

Rather than waste precious time and resources on native doctors, why not turn to God who has all powers to do everything as well as give you a better chance to be happy? Unlike a man whose season never comes to an end, a woman has limited season. So, be careful how you manage it else you end up with nothing but very sad memories of what could have been. Therefore make hay while the sun is still shining and learn to place the essential priorities in your front burner.

Good luck.

Should I Leave Him Or Stay?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for being there for people like me. My marriage has benefited tremendously from your advice, which is why I am writing to you to help me with the challenge I am having with my husband’s nieces, who are hell bent on causing problems for me.

I have been married for close to nine years now and I am blessed with a son.

The child came after five years of marriage. It was a difficult and traumatic period for me. At a point, my in-laws actually took another wife for my husband. It was the grace of God more than anything that made him reject the woman even though he was already having an affair with another woman as a result of my inability to give him a child.

Even when the child came, it was made to go through a paternity test by my in-laws, who suspected that the baby could have come from another man other than their son. From their attitude it was obvious that their grouse with me was more than my not giving them a baby on time but also that they detest my person.

The recent challenges have to do with my inability to increase the number of my children and the recent trend of my husband’s niece, who are teenagers arranging for girlfriends for my husband right under my roof.

I have had my suspicions but there has been nothing concrete until now. Knowing the type of family I married into, I didn’t want to make a fool of myself hence I had to bid my time. Recently, I came home to meet one of the girls they had introduced to me in my bed with my husband.

The shock of it was that my in-laws were at home, in the living room and knew their friend was in my bedroom with my husband. When I came, they didn’t bother to stop me but allowed me to walk into the scene.

When I picked a fight with their friend and my husband, the two of them threatened to beat me up if I dared. They told me to my face that I wasn’t wanted in the family and that I should pack my things and leave. They also called me a witch who was eating up the babies in her womb.

These are the same girls whose tuition I am helping to pay at the university.

To my shame my husband didn’t do anything to stop his nieces from insulting me or sending the other lady away rather the girl stayed put in the room while the whole scene played out.

From the reactions of my mother-in-law and her daughters, it is obvious that these girls are playing out a script written for them by their grandmother and mothers.

My mother and family insist I ignore what is happening and stay with my husband that, eventually things will work out. I love my husband and will always do but this embarrassment is too much for me to endure. It is killing me. Although my husband has come back to beg me for forgiveness, going to the extent of enlisting members of my family as well as his friends, I feel like quitting. I am afraid of his family and really don’t know what to negotiate for now that he is begging me for forgiveness. I am so confused. Please help me.

Martha.

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Dear Martha,

If he is begging you, don’t pack out even though what you witnessed is enough ground both spiritually and legally to quit the marriage. One thing is for someone to wrong a person another is for that person to show remorse.

To have gone to the extent of enlisting the help of your family and his friends shows a real attempt at redressing the situation. The first thing to do is to get rid of that fear of yours and lean heavily on God. Your in-laws lack the power to control your life or determine your future. That you were able to give birth to that child shows that God is on your side in this battle so brace up and give it all it takes to be happy. Life can be cruel and unfair. Your happiness is right in your hands. If you leave, you are only giving them undeserved victory, the chance for the other woman to come into a home you have laboured to build for nine years. He is not only your husband but the father of your son.

So protect your home with all you have. First, tell him to send those nieces of his packing from the house. For them to have gone to the extent they went means they are capable of doing anything to harm you and your son and having declared themselves your enemies, there is no sense in housing them to destroy your home.

Insist they don’t have to stay in your home to be assisted by you or your husband. That this can still be done, irrespective of wherever they stay.

The time for pretenses is over or trying to buy into the favours of your in-laws. While you must never be rude to them, keep your distance from them as well as make it clear that you are no longer in fear of them. One of the conditions too you should give is for these girls to apologise to you for what they did to you.

Also feel free to discuss all other matters with him now that you have the opportunity.

Let your husband know that this is your call and that he has to support you to make the home happy too for him. As for his extramarital affairs, he should keep them away from your knowledge and home.

However, be careful not to hold a grudge against any of them to enable God to continue to fight your battle. Once you have accepted the apologies of your husband, allow the matter die a natural death because to bring it up later after this time would be so unfair and could limit God’s support for you.

Also, don’t assume that you are without blame. There is always room for improvement in every relationship. Look at the areas too you need to improve on and do everything to make your man happy. Also give him the opportunity to say one or two things too about what he doesn’t like about you.

God may have allowed this situation to help make your marriage stronger. Allow the presence of God as well as His peace to lead you into a solution that would wipe away all your tears. Go on your knees and really pray your marriage into the kind of success you want it to be. There is nothing God cannot do.

As for your husband’s nieces, that they are also women and would one day find themselves in other people’s homes is enough comfort for you to go by.

Without issues like this, your marriage will not have a character as well as the type of testimony that will encourage others to have the faith and encouragement to go on in their own turbulent marriages. God in His wisdom allows us go through some excruciating conditions to exult His name in our lives as well as those who come in contact with us.

Good luck.

I Can’t Bear Her Pungent Body Odour

Dear Agatha,

I have a serious problem with my woman. We have been together for almost two years now and very fond of each other.

Unfortunately, her armpit emits offensive odour. Agatha, I really love this lady in question and will not like to lose her to another man, but my problem is that of her body odour. How do I go about it? We tried so many treatments, but to no avail. She makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to hurt her feelings for me.

Kunle.

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Dear Kunle,

Sweat glands secrete the sweat and bacteria under the arm. The byproduct of the bacteria eating the sweat is the odour that it zooms off.

Armpit odour is a problem for most adults irrespective of whether they admit it or not. It usually gets worse with age. In some people, it can be so mild that deodorants aren't necessary, but in others, it can be so strong as to literally drive people away. Most people have some odour or the other, especially after exercises.

In the case of your woman, does she keep hair under her armpit? If she does, let her shave off the hair to allow ventilation in her armpit. Many a time offensive odour comes from trapped sweat beads in the hair and for someone, who sweats profusely, this could cause a major problem in the maintenance of that part of the body.

Shaving the hair off makes it easier for the place to be washed thoroughly with sponge, soap and aired. However, it should be noted that it only makes it more bearable since there is no hair to help trap more bacteria, therefore more foul smelling pits.

Odour comes from accumulated sweat beads under the armpit. These beads over time form a cake between the hair strands, which no amount of soap can get rid of.

Unlike the hair on the head, which is expose to air, the hair under the armpit is constantly under cover as a result of the design of that part of the body. This is why odour is most profound in that area of the body.

However, shaving it makes it easier for the armpit to be maintained at all times.

In addition to the prescription she is using now, she should regularly wash her armpit with fresh limejuice mixed with salt. Limejuice is effective in getting rid of stubborn body odour. She should use three times a week as starters and twice a month thereafter.

She should also invest in deodorants, antiperspirants and body spray to keep her fresh all day. And to ensure she stays fresh, she could use wipers to clean her armpit during the day to enable her apply a fresh coat of deodorant to last her through the rest of the day.

When she is at home, she should wear sleeveless tops to further aid her armpit breathe. In addition, she should change her wardrobe. Shirts that have been discoloured by sweat beads should be thrown away. Chances are if she keeps her current set of clothes, she may not be able to completely get rid of the odour.

Also encourage her to bath as often as possible and to desist from strenuous physical exercises.

Good luck.

My Love Can’t Keep Her Loyalty While I’m Away

Dear Agatha,

You are indeed a rare gem in tackling of relationships related problems. And my sincere prayer for you is that your hands would continue to be lifted higher.

I am 25 years of age in a relationship with a girl, who is 25 years of age. This girl, a secondary school holder, and I are both childhood friends. I so much love her that I promised to help her in preserving her virginity and personality until, through the grace of God, we end up a couple.

I went back to school. After a while I noticed she was having problems with effective communication. Baffled, I called her attention to the brewing problem of lack of communication within us. Initially she told me it was nothing. She was to send me a text message later that she no longer understood me. Then I had no inkling she was having an affair with another guy. During the end of that semester, I came home to find out what the problem really was. But she assured me everything was fine that she was just going through some financial hardship.

The first week I came back from school, she fell ill and was admitted in the hospital. I didn’t know the nature of her sickness, but just kept visiting her. When she came out of hospital, I was by her side, giving her all the assurances about my love for her.

When I started a vacation job, I didn’t have all the time in the world to keep visiting her as I used to. I later discovered that she became worried about my reduced visits to her, so I went again to explain why it was so. I knew I was wrong to have abandoned her so shortly after her sickness, hence I apologised to her. I honestly thought the matter was over as I went with a friend of mine the next day to her house.

While there, I attempted to take her phone, but she quickly grabbed it from me. I didn’t understand that she was trying to hide all the romantic messages on her phone as I wrongly assumed she was still upset with me over dearth of visits to her.

This reaction also triggered curiosity in me, hence led me into tricking her to part with the phone. It was at that point I discovered the real reason for her refusal to allow me go through it. I got to read all the text messages they both exchanged. Needless to say, I was very disappointed because she is the only girl I have and love. I also discovered that the affair has been on for two months.

I need your advice and help in this matter, because I love her so much and don’t want to lose her. But if it’s God’s will, I just must move forward and find my own soul mate.

Okafor.

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Dear Okafor,

The moment a woman makes up her mind to have an affair outside her relationship, there is little the man in her life can do to make her change her mind unless she is ready to. This is because unlike men who find it easy to drift in and outside a relationship, it isn’t that easy for a woman unless she is morally bankrupt. This is not saying women don’t keep multiple relationships, but not as rampart as men do.

Since you know about it and love her so much to want to continue, call her attention to your discovery. Ask her why she did what she did. The distance or fear of the unknown may have caused her to do what she did. While none of this is an excuse, her response would, however, give you an insight into her person as well as her disposition to life.

In addition, it will help you to evaluate the depth of her feelings for you as well know the area to concentrate on in the relationship especially if you decide to continue.

One of the major challenges for her may come from the imbalance in your educations. Therefore, if your desire is to have her as your mate, encourage her to go back to school to help her get over the suspicion or complex that you will never find her worthy of you due to her limited education. You may not think it is a problem at all, but for a woman who has a complex problem, whose mind is always making up stories about the man, she will always find reasons to either nag or misbehave on account of what she suspects to be true.

While the argument may subsist that a suspicious mind will never be appeased by anything, sometimes, engaging that person in a more productive venture does manage it to a large extent. There are several part-time programmes she can enroll for.

However, if her reason has to do with money, then you have to be careful to avoid being hurt later in life. For such a woman who puts money on the front burner, nothing will ever be enough to appease her greed for money. If you discover her reason for dating the other man has to do with money, be careful because there are no guarantees that she will stay faithful to you in future, since there is always someone with more money in sight.

With such a woman, love isn’t always enough to keep her happy, so don’t defer a decision you have to make now to the future.

In situations like this, it is always best to resign yourself to the plans of God for you. There is no way both of you can be together if God has decreed otherwise, but if He planned for you two to end up as an item, He would help both of you overcome this challenge.

Good luck.

He Cheats On Me, Yet Finds Ground For Flat Excuse

Dear Agatha,

Please, I have a very big problem. I have been in love for four years now, but the problem is that he is not telling me the truth. I know, because I have caught him severally.

I noticed that when a girl calls him on the phone and I am within hearing range, his answers to whatever the lady is saying would be in monotones of ‘yes, okay and no.’

Thereafter he would tell me the person is either his business partner or a male or a colleague. But whenever I call the number afterwards, I will hear a female voice.

Because I love him so much, I refuse to be bothered by this, but the situation is becoming unbearable. Two weeks ago, while putting together his dirty clothes to wash, I came across a pack of condoms out of which two were missing. To show him I had seen it, I removed it from the top where he had hidden it and placed it on the drawer before going home. I just kept it on top of the table and went home.

I honestly expected him to call me to either apologise or come up with an excuse, no matter how stupid. He didn’t call until two days later, only for him to tell me that unless I ask questions I won’t know anything; that until I ask questions concerning how the condoms got to his house, he won’t discuss the issue with me. And that if I think he is cheating on me, I should quit.

However, a week after he called me to come and wash his clothes. I went over, washed his clothes and cooked his food. He didn’t make mention of the condom issue.

Right now, I am so confused. I hate his attitude towards me.

His neighbours are always telling me about his other women, but I don’t believe it because he always swears with his life that he can’t cheat on me, and that no girl enters his room except me. This makes the condom thing to bother me.

If I am the only one in his life and he isn’t cheating on me, who is the condom for?

Agatha, what do think I should do? Quit the relationship or give him time to change. Do you think he would ever change?

Chy.

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Dear Chy,

You must be very careful to avoid ending up with two pains in your heart. You may have dated this man for four years, but in reality you lacked the knowledge that goes with growing a relationship.

If after four years you are still struggling with the teething problem of trying to establish your place in his life, it means your four years have been wasted on the wrong values.

From his reactions to you, it is obvious he lacks respect for you. Even if his friend brought the condom to his house, the ideal thing for him to have done, knowing the impression your discovery of that incriminating evidence could have caused in your mind, is to have called you immediately to explain its presence in your home. Even if he had to lie at that point to ease the tension created by the discovery, he should have done just that.

To totally ignore your feelings and insist he won’t discuss it because you failed to ask him is totally wrong.

Again, it points to a fundamental flaw in your relationship. Unless both of you come together to discuss the future of this relationship, you will never get over the issue of loyalty, trust and respect.

So, there is the need for you to go back to him to ask questions regarding his feelings for you. Begin by telling him to explain who owns the pack of condoms, and who were the missing two used for. If he says they belonged to his friend, ask him how come this friend didn’t take his date to his own house and why did he leave the condoms behind? Also ask why were the condoms hidden and not placed in an open place if he had nothing to hide?

His response and temperament would tell you if he is telling the truth. I know and support deploying patience in growing a relationship, but there is a limit to it. Don’t allow love to blind you to obvious hints about dangers ahead. Calling you to come and wash his clothes as well as cook his meals when he has refused to discuss the vexing issue of the condom isn’t too tidy. Such a matter is too serious to be swept under the carpet or ignored.

Just as it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to grow a relationship. Unless he is willing to help you, your efforts to keep this relationship going would fail. It will definitely get to a point your efforts will collapse.

Therefore, the wise thing to do now is to sit back and revaluate your relationship. Do you think this man is half as interested in you as you in him? In your four years of being together, were you to score the quality of respect he accords you, how would you grade him?

And if you have the evidence through monitoring his calls that he is indeed involved with other girls, how come you are so certain that he has not been lying to you? What do you think his neighbours stand to gain by telling you about all these other girls? If you don’t believe his neighbours, how come you are thinking of quitting the relationship? Something definitely must be the problem for you to be contemplating on this action.

Granted, trust is essential to the growth of a relationship, but the worst injustice anyone can do him or herself, is to lie about naked facts. It is called deceit and only a fool does that. You must learn to be honest to yourself if you plan to be happy in life.

Admitting that he has a problem with being faithful is the ideal thing to do, because it will help you come to a more practical way of handling this flaw in him. If you know how important he is to you and how strong your love for him is, it would be easier for you to handle this aspect of him once you know precisely what you are in for, it will help you deal with the peculiarity of his person as well as take a firm decision on this issue.

To help you, these are some of the questions you should ask yourself. Do you think he is taking you for granted, playing on your intelligence? And importantly, do you think you are stupid to be a willing victim to his plans?

Change would depend on how strong your shock absorbers are as well as the depth of your patience. It will also come from how well you can pray.

Just learn to be very honest to yourself. Once you are, you will know what to do.

Good luck.

Why Don’t You Package Your Past Works In Book?

Dear Agatha,

It is my pleasure to suggest that you put down all the past questions and answers on your relationship column in a book format for a particular price. If in volumes, better. I hope it will be much more helpful as people will have access to your past works when the need arises. Thank you and may God grant you more grace to continue the good work.

Paul.

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Dear Paul,

Thanks for the suggestion. We are working towards that.

Agatha.

Lonely Hearts

I am a regular reader of your great column to the extent that I have built a library on just your page clippings. Immediately after reading, I just remove your column and keep. And I can testify that since early 2008 till today I have all your columns in my library. I just want to commend you on your wonderful work, God has been using you to do wonderful job for human race. You have saved many families from going into disaster, you settled young ladies and gentlemen's cases. Through your column many have learnt how to solve certain problems. Again, through your column many lonely hearted men and women were hooked to their better halves. May the good Lord continue to increase you with knowledge, wisdom and power in Jesus name.

Please I am a lonely hearted lady and seriously in need of your help. I am a lady and I have never had any man friend. Now I want to have some serious female and male friends. Please interested men and women should contact me on this phone number 080 688 958 61 or nwakaigwe@yahoo.com. I work and based in Enugu. I am of Igbo origin from Enugu State.

Please I will be grateful if I benefit from this your good work.

Ngozika

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Dear Agatha,

I want to let you know you already have a seat in heaven, because of what you are doing for many people out there. I need a Christian beautiful girl of average height to love. My ex girlfriend cheated on me and will be getting married this month. Please hook me up. I need somebody to love. I am lonely, 24 years of age and Igbo. I don’t mind the tribe the woman comes from, provided we have a connection. An interested lady can get me through this email: Jides obianozie

I’m Too Timid To Ask Her Out…

Dear Agatha,

I must say a very big thank you for the good job you are doing. God will continue to bless you for this good job of yours. Please keep it up.

My problem, there is this girl I like so much, but afraid to ask her out.

We actually started as chat mates on phone before we became good friends. I have visited her at her house and we are so close that I cannot sleep at night without saying or sending her a goodnight message. I have asked her and she said she does not have a relationship and I believe her. Yet I am still scared of asking her out for fear that she might turn me down for reasons I do not even now.

Agatha, I am too involved now and love this girl so much. Please help me.

Confused Lover.

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Dear Confused Lover,

Don’t be. It is the duty of the man to ask and the woman to either accept or decline. Being friends, you have an advantage others don’t have. At least, your friendship with her has armed you with some knowledge about her. If nothing, you must by now have inkling into her temperament, things she likes and what she doesn’t like.

For her to have told you she is without any relationship in her life means you won’t be stepping on any toe if you ask her out.

The good place to start is to ask why she has no boyfriend. Listen to her reasons before probing further into what she likes the most in her man. Give her all the chance to talk about herself and likes before telling her your own views about your ideal woman. End it by telling her she fits perfectly into the image of your ideal woman and that you would appreciate if she gives you the chance to be more than a friend to her.

Make her understand that nothing much would change because you enjoy so much being her friend. That the only thing that would change is your commitment to each other, which makes it forbidden to both of you to date other persons.

The fear of rejection would arise if you have other things in mind except friendship. Her rejection as well annoyance would come if she thinks you are trying to take advantage of her friendship with you to insult her integrity. Once she knows that your feeling for her isn’t out of disrespect, but something real and wonderful, even if she lacks the same sentiments for you, she will never cease to be your friend. Especially if she has the maturity to understand that such feelings are necessary attributes of life.

The danger of you not trying is to have someone snatch her right under your nose, while you look on. By that time you will only have your dreams to hold on to and the painful memories of regrets.

Which would be more painful, have her taken away from you due to fear of rejection or have her reject you, but with the satisfaction that you at least tried?

Fear is meant to be conquered, so go to her and tell her what you feel. The worst she can do is to say no, not condemn you to life imprisonment or death for doing what men are supposed to do.

Good luck.

Her Snoring Sends Me On Permanent Night Duty

Dear Agatha,

I am a specialist nurse in one of the leading hospitals in Victoria, Australia.

My wife and I have been married for six years and our marriage is blessed with two lovely kids. My main problem is my wife snoring habit. It has became a big trouble for me, I am a light sleeper and most nights I only have may be two to three hours of sleep because of her snoring.

Over the years, I have woken her up on several nights to change her breathing position to control the loud noise, but it will only work for few minutes before it starts again.

I have tried earplug but never feel comfortable with it and on few occasions that I have to relocate to the guest room, she didn’t like the idea. Now I have technically taken to night duty to allow me the opportunity to sleep during the day and only face my trouble again when I have my off day. She has been asking me when I am going to stop night duty, I know she senses that my night duty is deliberate because I am not obliged to if I don’t really want to being a senior clinician at the hospital.

What do I do?

Tade.

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Dear Tade,

Signing up for permanent night duty won’t help or make the problem vanish rather, it would only destroy your home and marriage. Very soon your wife may begin to think you are having an affair, a trend that would spell disaster to your home.

The best thing is for you to tell her why you have resigned yourself to permanent night at work. She may not have full appreciation of how her snoring habit affect you but telling her it is the reason you now spend the night at work would help her device an acceptable approach that would keep you at home every night.

Being in the medical field, you know there is nothing effective that can cure or stop snoring. Therefore you both must come up with an acceptable mid-solution aimed at preserving your marriage as well as sanity within it. This is the point you both have to make sacrifices for the sake of your children because any attempt by either of you to do a sole job of this or make a rigid position could spell doom on your marriage and consequently affect your children.

In resolving this matter, it is important you put the interest of the children above yourselves.

Because you have to be on alert, at all time in your profession, you need sleep, quality one for that matter. Therefore, if you have tried everything, none of which worked, it is best you give in to reality. The reality here is that she snores and you need sleep to function. Since you cannot put up with the noise, one of your options is to consider separate rooms.

Having separate rooms ensure you get to sleep as peacefully as you like while she has the satisfaction of having you in the house. The extra room is only to serve as your escape room, not your marital room in the night when the noise from her snoring becomes too much for you to put up with.

Your clothes and personal effects stay in your main room, meaning until you are ready to sleep and then on those nights she needs your company or you need hers, you get to pay the sacrifice of putting up with her snoring.

You may be sailing your marriage into troubled waters, unless you are both ready to make the necessary adjustment to suit the demands of a situation.

So, talk to her and let her see how much her snoring is affecting you. Once you make her understand precisely what you are going through by the noise she makes at night, she won’t complain too much about you sleeping in the guest room.

Good luck.

Re: Before Her Brags Set Me Against Our Family

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