He’s Hotheaded, Denies Me Dignity

Dear Agatha,

I read **Sunday Independent** mostly because of your column. Thanks for how you help in solving problems.

I am a 22-year-old pretty Igbo lady preparing to for my National Youths Service Corps (NYSC) programme soon. I am the kind of girl that any guy would love to have in his life.

A lot of people are surprised to know that despite being such a beautiful girl, I have only gone into two relationships. My current boyfriend is 27 and has finished his youth service and is searching for a job.

Even though he is hard working, I still feel he is not doing enough. However, there is one nagging issue affecting me and our relationship - I am very proud and I hate the phrase - “I am a man” - or any man giving me orders or dishing out commands.

I really cannot stand the way my boyfriend talks to me when angry. Even though I praise him for trying to change following several complaints from me, I now have reason to further worry following an incident that happened between us some days after that we were supposed to attend a friend’s birthday party.

Because of some unforeseen circumstances, we couldn’t go. By the time we were ready to go, he said it was too late for us to set out. Infuriated at his antics, I got dressed with my friend and left. He didn’t want us to go because of a slight misunderstanding between us. To my surprise and later embarrassment, he pursued us to the park with his cousin, took away my bag containing my money and phone. He knew I had no other money on me. It was so humiliating as people gathered in groups to discuss what they had just witnessed.

I had to stay with my friend for the night since I didn’t know what awaited me should I go back to his place that night. He later sent a text messages to my friend’s phone calling me a cheat and asking me to come and evacuate my things from his place the next day.

When I went for my things the next day, he had left instructions with his security man not to allow me into the compound. He told the security man to allow only my friend to pick only her things. He knew my friend and I had planned to come to pack our things.

Agatha, can you believe what he did, while I waited outside his gate, he drove past me. I went to his mother to report the incident to her but she couldn’t help. I later apologised. He returned my things and also begged my forgiveness. My worry is that I am not sure about the relationship.

From the very beginning of the relationship he has not hidden his desire to have me for his wife. I have told him to give me time to think. My confusion is, if his desire to marry me is because I am very pretty or because he loves me. What do you think?

Linda.

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Dear Linda,

I think you are becoming arrogant by your beauty to forget every other thing. In the first instance, why would you go to a party your boyfriend says you should not go? Even if his reasons don’t go down well with you or the reason for his refusal to go is based on malice, you owe him a measure of respect and loyalty not to go.

To have so humiliated him in the presence of your friend and with her support is to say the least very rude. It honestly signposts you as an arrogant woman who believes more in beauty as well self importance more than the feelings of the man in your life.

Frankly, your behaviour falls short of what is expected of a woman who loves her man and is willing to come under the authority of the man. Even though I don’t support men treating their women as second-class citizens, there is something called obedience to constituted authority. In every relationship, the man assumes the headship. It doesn’t matter if the woman is the richest in the world, prettier than any other woman in the universe, the moment she subjects herself to a relationship, showing respect for the man becomes a must.

You don’t rubbish your man in front of your friend or outsiders and expect him to just fold his arms, pamper you and gloss over the act. It is the highest act of provocation and disregard you can show the man you claim to love. Not only did you through your action dared him to do his worst but showcases your own lack of understanding of what is expected of a woman in a relationship.

You just have to first find way to expunge from your system that overdose of pride you seems to have. Beauty is not supposed to be a thing of pride, it is a gift that should be cherished and used to glorify God. The way you can achieve this is by being humble. Humility is what adds value to beauty, it is also what separates it from vanity and makes people around to appreciate it.

You don’t score very high with people when you push your beauty into their faces, become arrogant about it. Real beauty comes from within and not what we look like. Those who show humility and respect are the most beautiful in the world. These are the people whose beauty remains evergreen, get better with each passing day. Be very careful, this type of beauty you seem to celebrate so much fades. The type that lasts forever is the one that comes from within.

You are the one that has to make up your mind on what you want the most: cold beauty or the warm kind that gives encouragement and accord people all the respect they deserve.

If you love him, give him the answer he wants from you. You don’t have to marry in a hurry, just let him know he means the world to you.

This is what he is asking for and above all, learn to appreciate that whatever we are or look like, is given unto us by God who in His wisdom gives according to His unquestionable will. It doesn’t make us better or inferior to the next person.

Good luck.

She Won't Go To My Church

Dear Agatha,

My wife is pushing me to hurt her. We got married last year and we have an eight-month old son. I attend Living Faith Church and she is from a Jehovah’s Witness. When we newly got married, she was reluctant to follow me to my church but after persuasion and a little threat she started going with me only to stop suddenly. I came back from church two weeks ago to meet the house locked. I later discovered she went with her parents to their church. Since then nothing has been the same in our house. I find it difficult to communicate with her because I’m bitter at her attitude. I feel betrayed by her.

I now derive more joy at work than at home and I no longer feel the attraction I used to have for her so much so that the act of marriage with her is more like having sex with a strange woman than making love to my wife and when we do, I see the face of another woman.

The reason I still eat her food is because I’m not used to eating outside. I don't feel safe with her anymore. I feel this disconnection from her spiritually and that is not the kind of relationship I want with my wife.

In as much as infidelity is not a way of life for, she may force me to seek fulfilment elsewhere or better still send her home. I’m beginning to wonder if insisting that my wife goes to the same church with me is asking too much even when the Bible says that a wife should be subject to her husband in everything. She has even said the reason she was going with me in the first place was because she is not working yet. I need your advice before she pushes me to the point of no return.

Worried man.

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Dear Worried Man,

What were the arrangements you both put in place before getting married? Didn’t you two discuss the issue of church during the time you courted? Granted, a woman has no religion or church until she gets married but there are now many instances where the couple chooses what works for them. If the arrangement before you both got married was for you two to continue to attend your different churches, insisting on her coming with you to yours now is wrong.

You will have to give her time to make up her mind about it. Though the Bible is specific on the husband being the head of the home and the woman subjecting herself to her husband, the same Bible points every one of us to application of wisdom in every situation we find ourselves.

No marriage will stand the test of time in absolute authoritarianism. If you want this woman to respect and listen to your wishes, you must learn to treat her as a human being with interests of her own. To be adamant on issues which under ideal circumstances could be resolved amicably destroys the future of a relationship.

In the first instance, both of you don’t have to drag the issue. God Himself is capable of fighting His battles and does His things perfectly without question or confusions. Good enough both of you are Christians. At this point, it should matter how both of you approach God, what should matter is what brought you both together despite the obvious differences in your worship. The fact that you didn’t remember these differences when you met, decided to spend the rest of your lives together, have a baby, shows the differences you are making a major issue now, is superficial.

One thing that never works in life especially in a relationship, and marriage for that matter, is the use of force. Life itself is a free gift from God and if you look around you, the best and priceless things in life are given to us free of charge. Therefore, to enjoy the hidden treasure of life, which is peace, learn to adopt the gift of freedom in your dealings with people. Over time, such people given the benefit of your behaviour and fairness in handling others around you, often than not, come over to your side of their own free will.

Your wife is an individual, free to have opinions, decisions and actions. This is irrespective of whether she is your wife or not. These are her God given rights just like we cannot deny our children the right to their freedom when the time comes. You must, as the head of the home, first accept this to equip you to play your role well as the head of the home. She is not a slave or servant. God made her your helpmate, to assist you in giving meaning to your life. Marriage is about compromises. When a man or woman insists his or her way is the only right way, a lot of harm is done in the process.

If you are patient, understanding and caring, overtime, your ways will win her over. Even where you both agreed, she would cross over to your church once married, you still need a lot of tolerance to win her over. This is not saying she is right to have changed the goal post so soon after marriage but being the head of the home, you need to lead by setting the right examples in your home. It won’t do for you as the head of the home to always give in to pressure and anger.

Yes, she has done something highly provocative. But, then who is to blame? If her parents didn’t support her to go with them, insist she accords her husband the respect he deserves as the head of the home, there is no way she could have gone to that church with them. Being more experienced in this matter, they should have never given her the support and encouragement to disobey the feelings of her husband whom they willingly gave out in marriage.

So, go to her parents and tell them precisely how you feel and the danger their obvious support for their daughter is putting your home in. They are the real danger to your happiness, not your wife who is merely acting a script written for her long ago. You have to understand it would take a while, especially if she grew up with parents who have brainwashed her into accepting theirs is the only right way.

It would take time for her to shift loyalty from her parents to you. This is why I insist you should be less critical of her and support her to trust your ways. Then also think of the innocent baby who at eight months needs the love, care and appreciation of the parents to be really happy. Ask a lot of men who have been married for a long time, and they will tell you that marriage is a journey of thorns, pricks, toil, tolerance, selflessness, endurance, trust in God, prayer to make the bricks solid.

Ending your marriage on account of which church is the best is branding the God we serve as being the author of confusion. Lean on and pray to Him for His presence in your marriage. Once He comes into it, everything that appears to be impossible will become so easy you will begin to wonder why you thought it difficult in the first place.

If you go into an extra marital affair, it is because you have always wanted to, not as a result of her refusal to follow you to your church. Resist creating greater problems for your marriage by your inability to handle things with maturity.

Good luck.

Need Good Girl To Hook Me

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for many lives you have changed but one more life you just must touch. I know you don’t publish this kind of mail, but you just have to help me. I have never succeeded in my relationships because I can’t afford the luxury associated with dating women. But all the same, I envy a lot of my friends with viable relationships. I often wonder why I’m so unlucky prompting me to think I am cursed.

I know you can help. Please help hook me up with a serious girl. I have been frustrated by bad women. A serious minded woman can get me through this number, 08072446069.

Kelvin.

He Gets Too Tough For Me

Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate your effort concerning people’s problems. I am 26 years of age, started dating this guy in February 2009. Because of his exceptional love for me I confided the problems I was having with my brother whom I stay with in him.

My plight motivated him into renting a room because where he was staying wasn’t comfortable too, besides he wanted us to live together. I declined telling him there was no way I would agree to such an arrangement until he paid my bride price.

However, I agreed to pay 20 percent of the house rent to appease him. My refusal to stay with him or stay late is however causing problems between us, becoming a daily ritual. I don’t like going home late to avoid problems between my brother and me.

Recently, after our Sunday service, I decided to visit the pastor and his family. When I informed him of my intentions, he instructed me not to go but pleaded with him to understand why I must since I had promised the pastor I would visit that day. And that Sunday was the only time I have to visit. After eating lunch with him, I left for the pastor’s place. When I came back, he told me to go back to where I was coming from. But for the presence of neighbours it would have degenerated into bitter quarrel.

Thinking the matter was over, on my way to work, I went there to see him. He refused to respond to my greetings, to avoid problems I left for work. I don’t know what to do about his attitude. Please help me.

Betty.

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Dear Betty,

The problem with this relationship is that you have both cramped the relationship within such a short time with too much expectations and responsibilities. Sincerely, your relationship is too young and tender to handle many of the issues you expect it to shoulder. How much responsibility can a six months old baby handle?

Beyond what you both think you feel for each other, what can you tell accurately about him, his character or he about yours for that matter? What do you know about each other’s temperament, values and priority in life? Who are his friends and who are yours? What are the things that matter the most to him or you?

These are fundamental issues you both should first clear before bringing in the more serious issue of having a place together. There is no home without an agreement of ideas, temperaments and values. These are necessary things that must be put in place before a relationship can work. In your six months together, beyond getting an accommodation, what else have you both achieved together? With everything happening in your relationship, there is the need for you both to sit down and first discuss your persons.

Focus on your individualities, your upbringings as well as your different experiences before you met. If possible talk about your previous relationships. The essence of this talk, in addition to offering both of you a clean platform to begin, would also give both of you an idea of the experiences you are both bringing, areas of weakness, strength as well as things to avoid if the relationship is to survive.

You must know why he constantly craves your company. Is it because he doesn’t trust you, not secured or out of loneliness? What sort of woman can please him? Would he want you to work in the future or have friends for that matter? What in his past shaped him into this type of man who would keep malice over an incident, which can be resolved amicably? Deep in your heart, what do you feel for this man? Is it love or do you see in him an escape route from all the problems you are going through in the house?

If in just six months you are experiencing this number of differences over matters that appear so mundane, then something appears very wrong. It is clear from what you have said that you don’t have the required understanding to exist as a couple. It is a negative sign that unless both of you make the effort the relationship can’t survive for long. It is also a clarion call that whatever it is you both pride as important isn’t what makes a relationship work else you won’t be having problems at all.

You may have all the various styles of sex but if the right things weren’t placed on the front burner the relationship would expire before it even gets the chance to form its character. When premarital sex is given too much place in a relationship, it weakens the couple from focusing on important aspects of their being together.

This is not to say, the talk would eradicate every problem in your relationship, but some of the issues you are fighting over now would have been a thing of the past. You need tolerance, patience and understanding for any relationship to survive. And unless you know what the challenges are you may never be able to deal with his person.

Despite these challenges, don’t be too hasty in terminating the relationship because every relationship has its turbulent time. The secret of a successful relationship is perseverance and knowledge of the character of the person of your partner. This perseverance enables a couple become good friends first before becoming lovers. However when every step taken to ensure a relationship heads the right direction fails, it is always best to part as friends.

Good luck.

Dangers In Inter-racial Marriage Please

Dear Agatha,

The impact of your counselling in the lives of people cannot be over-emphasised, to say the least would be an understatement. My question: what are the dangers, pitfalls that could affect inter-racial marriage in a society like ours, and how workable is it considering the socio cultural differences of the society. Your response would be highly appreciated.

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

The major challenge is usually that of understanding the custom of the other person. It is not just mixed marriages that have this challenge every marriage comes with its fair share of this problem. Being basically from different families, values and outlooks are bound to be different. This is why a profound time of courtship is necessary for couples to understand and appreciate their different upbringings. To succeed, the partners must first appreciate that their differences is desirable to their existence, the reason they are together in the first place.

Diversity makes life all the more interesting since it provides us with the opportunity of learning new things about the world we live. To enjoy a relationship in its total essence is to invest time studying and appreciating your partner. When you love someone, attempts should be made at integrating the essence of that person. There is no way, a relationship can never work without either parties going the extra mile at making it work at all cost.

Usually there are no dangers in any relationship except the ones created by our own limitations and unwillingness to let go of our own values, beliefs and conclusions on issues. If we all come to the point of appreciating that there is nothing or position in life that is static, the many problems we daily inflict on our relationships would not occur at all. That one person does something different from what we are used to doesn’t make it abominable, provided it doesn’t conflict with the laws of God and the land.

If going into an inter-racial marriage, apply the principle of fairness. Be receptive to suggestions because what is right to you may be wrong to the other person’s culture. There is always a point of agreement in every situation that is what couples, irrespective of where they are from, creed or colour should always strive for. Nobody is perfect, mistakes are normal hence must be handled with humility, patience and understanding because the shoe could be on the other leg the next time.

Impatience and stubborn rigidity more often than not is what destroys relationships beyond redemption. If you are honest with your abilities to cope and are equally willing to bend backwards to accommodate your differences, you don’t have much to fear going into this kind of relationship. Committing the relationship to the hands of God is one sure way of making it work despite whatever differences.

Good luck.

I Love Him But…

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I have this friend who happens to be a Muslim and married with five boys. He has been helping me financially in many ways and I never sensed he was planning to propose to me until he did. But being a Christian and the only daughter of my family, I rejected the proposal. Now he doesn’t care about me anymore and I am really in love with him. Please what can I do? I have nobody to love and care for me. Please help me out. God bless you.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

What sort of Christian are you? In the first instance, is it right to date a married man? When did you know you are the only daughter of the family? The point he asked you to marry him or the time he stopped picking your expenses? How come you did not realise that you are a Christian whose parents would not welcome a Muslim suitor when you were collecting his money? Why do you find it convenient to reject his proposal but not his money?

He has every right to be angry because of your deceptive stance in this matter. If you cannot marry him, then stop accepting his money or his attention. It is not right for you to reject a man based on his religion but very glad to accept his money because you have nobody to care for you. It is obvious that his money and not him is what you are in love with. You are not being fair to the man, your faith or yourself for that matter.

You can either be bold to stand by the choices you have made or remain confused. But be careful that your choices are the right ones to prevent further confusion in life.

Good luck.

After Serial Heartbreaks, My Ex-girls Now Pester Me For Lover

Dear Agatha,

I am 24 years old. I am confused or should I say scared? Maybe it has to do with my upbringing or the fact that I was brought up by women of different age groups, who instilled in me tough moral values. I don’t mean to brag but I am very calmed, sincere and not addicted to any intoxications. I am not a Casanova who believes in a must sex in relationships.

Maybe because of this, I have been heartbroken five times. Because of this I have decided to be alone. But I have gone and fallen in love with this girl who cares greatly about me, but those who broke my heart are coming back to reclaim what they rejected, they call, visit, begging for pardon, saying now they have realised my qualities and how much they miss me.

For almost a month now I can’t concentrate, I have been in hiding and switched off my phone. Even my girl doesn’t know of my whereabouts. I don't want them but these women are so persistent. I love this girl with all my heart and would never hurt her. I would rather slit myself, than to hurt her.

What do you suggest I do? I am afraid because these girls are spoilt kids, used to getting what they want. I don't want my girlfriend to feel I am cheating on her. But why are these girls trying to spoil my joy? Should I tell my girlfriend about these other girls?

Okwy.

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Dear Okwy,

The only problem I see here is your inability to take a firm decision. If you say these girls are in your past and that you have a girlfriend who is nothing like any of these girls that broke your heart, why are you giving them audience, hiding like a coward from them?

At 24, you are not exactly too young to face this challenge squarely. The first thing you ought to have done was to have told your girlfriend all about your past. Despite this, it is not too late to start now. Please do so immediately before she finds out from any of these girls or people close to you. By then she will not only be hurt but also be very unreceptive to any excuse you may come up with. Being very honest and display some those moral values you claimed to have been taught is the only way you can prevent her from being hurt as well as having a faultless relationship with you.

Sincerely, you have not displayed the expected will of someone who is in love and does not want to hurt his partner. What you don't know is that by hiding from them you are empowering them to further harass and push you into making a mistake in your current relationship. You leave yourself very vulnerable to them. Get out of your slumber and tell these girls that they have lost their chances, and that you have someone who loves you as much as you love her and would not want to hurt her. Learn to parade your relationship with this new girl to send the signal that you are no longer free to love anyone else. If you don't give them room to interfere in your life, there is no way they would have the right of entry to have their way in your life. If you were firm and resolute not to have anything to do with them, they would back off.

So, the next time any of them calls, accept their call and make it clear that you are no longer interested in them. Tell them you would appreciate if they don’t bother you again with demands to renew your relationship with them. Tell them you appreciate their call but expect them to respect your privacy. However, don't assume these girls were all wrong. Look at yourself in a way you have never bothered to, because somewhere deep down, no matter how good we think we are, we all have one or more deficiencies, sometimes too much for those around us to tolerate. Therefore it would be absolutely wrong to think you are the victim in all these botched relationships.

Your major problem could be arrogance, which a lot of girls find very irritating and presumptuous. From the tone of your letter, I detect a measure of this arrogance, which not many young girls have the temperament to tolerate. This is an area you should work on to avoid a situation where even the woman you love the most would simply walk out on you. It is important you realise relationships are about compromises.

It should be noted that not all relationships should end on a bitter note. There are quite a number of ex partners who have remained good and beneficial friends after deciding to go their separate ways.Learn to go to God in prayers for a more rewarding relationship.

Good luck.

After Two Kids From Two Women, He's Still Skirt-crazy

Dear Agatha,

I am in severe dilemma over what to do about the development in my relationship.

I am a 22-year-old girl in a relationship with a 38-year-old guy. We have dated for close to seven years now. My first question is on whether the age difference between us is okay?

The guy in question is not what I will term bad because he has a nice heart but I don't understand him.

He has kids from two women. It was only recently I got to know about the existence of the first child. When I asked why he didn't tell me about her from the beginning he said it was only recently that court granted him limited custody of the child.

When I asked about the child's mother, he said they weren't together, the same with the mother of his second child. He said the mother of his second child being a Muslim he didn't get the blessings of her family to marry him because he is a Christian. The girl stays with his sister.

The challenge now is that he is always having girls around him. Each time I check his phone, there is always a message from a girl, which gets me upset most of the time.

When I confront him on these messages, he either denies knowledge of them or says they mean nothing. Sometimes he tells me to ignore them, as I am his prime interest while on other times too he begins a defence of his relationship with them. He ends up apologising to me.

What he does of late is to delete the messages. I though he had changed going by his recent behaviour but to my dismay, I found out I was very wrong from the target.

This I found out when I went to his house. On getting there while making the bed I discovered a fresh male sperm on the bed-sheet. It was obvious what he had been up to behind me.

I was so angry I left his house but controlled it sufficiently by sending him a text asking if he was truly happy being with me. When he didn't reply, I called him; we talked briefly and he didn't make mention of the text message I sent him. He terminated the call hastily with excuses of wanting to take another call on hold. Minutes later, he called back only for me to hear him talking with another girl in the background.

I was so angry, I called back to ask for the identity of the girl he was talking to only to tell me he wasn't in the mood for my question. He also asked if I heard him making love to the girl on the phone.

I didn't say anything in response. Till date he hasn't called to explain anything to me knowing I would be upset.

Agatha, I don't know what to do. I love this guy very much but I am beginning to consider my options. I am not sure any more about this relationship going by his attitude.

For the seven years we have been together, I have never strayed despite the temptation provided with the number of male admirers. There is this guy who has been on my trail for more than two years begging for my attention. He has done everything humanly possible to get me but because of the strong love I have for my boyfriend I refused to consider him. Now see what do I get in return for my faithfulness?

Agatha, I want to know if this relationship is viable because I am beginning to lose interest.

Naomi.

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Dear Naomi,

Unless this man is ready to settle down, there is little or nothing you can do to make him change his mind. You may be his longest girlfriend but his mind isn't made up about what he wants from you or the many women he surrounds himself with.

You have a choice of either accepting him for who he is or walk away from it all.

Agreeing to stay means you have to learn to be extra tolerant and appreciative of the peculiarities of his nature, the side of him that is in love with women, and see nothing wrong in his way of life. The naked truth is while we all strive for partners that are absolutely faithful to us, not everyone is built to remain faithful to one partner. If you decide to stay, the sacrifices would be more on your path. It means drawing from a deep reservoir of strength, patience, and friendship to calm him down as the years roll over. At this stage, unless God intervenes, there is little you can do to make him change his mind or ways of life. To insist is to alienate yourself from him as it is already happening. Currently, he is like a young teenager angling for the freedom to follow his or her heart. To attempt to curtail this freedom is to court mutiny.

Until your man's interest in women expires, if you must stay with him, learn to ignore this side of him and his many indiscretions.

The fact that you have stayed with him for seven years shows that the relationship has its fulfilling moments, that in his twisted way, he cares for you. Granted your definition of care and respect are two distant poles apart, there is, however, a special bond that has kept you two going for this length of time.

But it is a choice you must prepare yourself for, both emotionally and psychologically, because it can drain you totally. It means at all times you should be prepared for the worst and to pray ceaselessly.

It also entails you looking deeper than the vexing issue of the girls to his other strong qualities, the type that is rare in all the men that have come your way so far. Importantly, think of what you would miss the most and if down the road, this habit you find so objectionable now would still matter as it is to you now.

However, don't stay a moment longer if you know you cannot cope with it anymore. Don't pretend about your strength or ability to cope because you will eventually buckle under the strain of the psychological turmoil of watching other women dance around your man.

At this stage, it is in your interest to be ruthlessly honest with yourself than opt for the option you would forever regret.

At this important crossroad, go to God in absolute prayers and total submission to His will for you. If God says go, listen, because He has a reason, but if He tells you to pull out, do it without questioning Him.

Good luck.

I’m Cute, Sociable Yet Lonely Without Woman

Dear Agatha,

Please help me because loneliness is closing in on me. I need a girl of my own. At 23, I have never dated a woman. Each time I express my feelings to a girl, she either tells me she is in relationship or not interested.

I am currently a medical student. Without being immodest, I am handsome, kind, honest, gentle and God fearing. It isn’t as if I am shy or don’t know what to say but I am perplexed at the attitude of all the ladies I have approached for a relationship. It isn’t as if I have a social problem of body or mouth odour. So what is wrong?

O.B.

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Dear O.B.,

What you think are the right words, may actually be the wrong things, to tell a woman you are meeting for the first time. Most women don’t appreciate being told by a man that he loves her on the first day of meeting.

It sounds insulting and completely insincere. The first question that pops up in her mind is what do you know about me to warrant your falling in love with me? In the mind of a woman, that statement translates to I want your body.

Granted, women are crafted by God to look appealing, but behind those attracted lines are brain and feelings. Not a woman likes to be placed on a slaughter slab on the first day of meeting. She wants to be appreciated for who she is and not how she looks. This explains why a lot of promising relationships are stillborn, thwarted by the man’s insensitivity to the woman’s feelings and sense of self-respect.

Most men would find it easier dealing with women if they stick to offer of friendship from the beginning. It takes more than the attraction of a man to bring about a relationship. It involves the two of them hence men should learn to treat relationship with more seriousness than most men currently do. A woman’s feeling isn’t a tap that can be turned on and off at the instance of a man.

Whereas, giving her time to know who the man is, as well as explore her feelings too, towards him through friendship, offers a sincere and realistic platform for both of them to move further.

Sit back and try to review the common trends in your approaches. Do you put the cart before the horse or the horse before the cart?

When next you see a woman, strive for friendship, appreciate that she is a human being who has feelings too. Get to know her first before telling her of your interest. Remember, she isn’t an abstract but a woman who has blood and water flowing in her veins hence must be treated with every respect she deserves.

Get to know the person behind the image before offering her love.

Good luck.

Wish My Lecturer Lover Looks Beyond His Belief On Woman From My Tribe

Dear Agatha,

I have a lecturer I’m close to. We are both from Delta State. He is Urhobo I’m Isoko. While he was still young, an Isoko woman almost destroy their family hence developed an aversion for women from that area.

Currently, he is trying to recover from heartbreak over a relationship that lasted six years.

Although we are just friends now, the truth is that I want more from this relationship. I want us to end up as a couple even though he is 13 years older.

I don’t know if my being from the area he doesn’t want to have anything to do with would hamper our being together. Could that be why he wants just friendship from me?

I need a solution to my problem.

Worried Woman.

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Dear Worried Woman,

As a friend what have you done to change his perception of people from that area? How have you help influenced him positively? You don’t have to wait to be his partner to make him change his mind about you and people from your area.

It took one woman’s effort to make him dislike your people, posterity has placed you in his life to help him heal from that hatred he has nursed deep in his heart from when he was young and tender. He has to let go for him to move forward, for him to discover his full potentials as a man and trust a woman fully.

That a six-year-old relationship went underground shows a flaw somewhere. While his ex may have her faults, the truth is your man has something against women generally flowing from his memory of that time. Deep down he hasn’t been able to flush out completely the negative effects of that woman’s intrusion into their family.

Though the family may have survived that experience but the scars will never disappear. For him the scars are too deep to be ignored. As his friend, make it your business to know how deep this scar is and how its ugliness fade away.

Encourage him to talk freely and point him at the inevitable truth that the world is filled with two tribes of people, the good and the bad. This woman could have come from his own tribe, within his family. It just happens that she came from another place, which doesn’t mean everyone from her place is liable for what she did to his family.

And she couldn’t have done it alone without home support from within. If he is not holding the person inside his own family responsible, then gently ask him if it is fair to hold an entire people responsible for one woman’s sin?

Be careful, when doing this, he doesn’t have any inkling about your feelings for him. He has to continue to see you as his friend until he has the confidence to move out of the shell he has imprisoned his heart for so long. Chances are that he also feels something for you but is blinded by the intensity of hatred he has built deep in his heart over the years.

Helping him deal with his past clears the future of a lot of debris, filth that for now is blanketing his life in drab colours. Under your subtle guidance and open friendship, he will definitely come out of it with joy and a renewed freshness to want to live again.

The truth is that his sentiment goes deeper than this woman from Isoko. It is something that has affected the way he views women generally. He may not know it hence limiting it to this woman from his past but by helping him talk openly about it, he will be able to go back into that past, to see things through the eyes of an adult and no longer from the eyes of a child. It is a psychological thing and until he has the understanding of an adult of the issues that brought about those situations back then, he will never be able to really let go. This is your job as his friend and one aspiring to share in his life. As the age differences, provided both of you can deal with it, especially you, nothing is wrong with it.

Importantly, learn not to rush things between the two of you. A step a day would get you closer to the ideal God has prepared for you. If this man is yours, nobody or situation can deny you of his love and happiness. Stand on the promise of God for you.

Good luck.

She's In Love But Can't Adapt To Village Life

Dear Agatha,

Ever since I stumbled on your column in the Daily Independent Newspaper, I have made it my daily column in the tabloids. You are indeed a blessing to our generation. I pray the Almighty God will continue to strengthen you to do the good works you have been doing. I want also to thank you for the wonderful advice you gave me in my earlier complaint as well as how you have been proffering solutions to the problems of teeming Nigerians and others alike. Please do justice to this pressing problem about to consume me.

I am a 32-year-old male that has been longing to settle down even before now. Unfortunately I have not been able to find a suitable partner for myself because most of the girls that come my way are those that are given to sexual immorality, a thing I don,t want to indulge myself in. This is as a result of the religious cum health implications of involving in pre-marital sex.

However, I recently stumbled on a girl I met through the Internet. She actually caught my fancy as a result of her beliefs that seem to tally with mine. We have been talking and everything, going on well culminating in her coming to visit me in the north.

She is Ibo while I am from the Niger Delta. The major occupation of my people is farming while the major sources of water supply are the streams and rivers.

These streams and rivers provide our entire supply of water from drinking, washing and bathing.

However, my friend is from an area where, according to her, there are no farming, no streams and rivers. As such she sees it as a taboo for one to go to the stream or river to fetch water let alone wash clothes or take baths in.

This is almost tearing us apart because in my opinion we can,t remain in the city forever. Moreover we have to travel from time to time to the village on special occasions. So during these periods what will happen? Does my wife stay at home while I go to the stream and fetch water for her to bath as well do all the domestic works? Or is it my aged mother that will do that for her? As it stands, my mother is the only one at home, as all my other siblings are married or away from home.

Agatha, my supposed wife does not see any reason going to the stream to fetch water, wash clothes or even take her bath. Several pleas from me to change her opinion didn,t yield any results. Besides she doesn,t see anything wrong with her visiting my home and staying at home while my mother goes to the farm or fetch water alone.

This is my ordeal. Please tell me what to do because I loved this girl dearly. She has every other thing I need in my woman but this one challenging. I am really confused. Do I go ahead with the relationship or quit?

Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.

Worried Bachelor.

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Dear Worried Bachelor,

It is indeed a complex situation but not insurmountable. What you two need is time to reflect on your relationship as well as your differences.

Meeting through the Internet on its own has its disadvantages because beyond the information you both exchange, there is no personal interaction involved. Even if a relationship was started at that impersonal level, you both need the advantage of getting to know each other outside the Internet to move forward. It is called the verification period in relationships that have their origin in Internet courtship or other impersonal ways.

Therefore before you can claim to be in proper relationship, enough time has to be created for both of you to get to know each other properly beyond the information you both exchanged. This is against the background that whatever volume of information both of you may have exchanged on the Internet; none can be as authentic as the one your ways as well attitudes communicate when there is physical interaction.

As you have found out, the bit about not willing to adjust to your way of life or attitude to your mother wasn,t included on the information she gave you. Besides, anybody can claim to be anything on paper or Internet, what, however, counts is who the person really is at the end of the day.

Who is this woman you are contemplating spending your life with and who are you for that matter? All the challenges you are experiencing can be dealt with if you both have the right attitude and appreciate the relationship you have.

To live your mother to do the housework for her is wrong no matter her reservations. Even if she finds the way of life strange, a willing woman ready to give the relationship a chance to grow would still have gone out of her way to adjust. Leaving your mother to fetch water for her from the source she finds objectionable and cook from the produce of the farm she thinks is beneath her level doesn,t show a woman with good upbringing. Even if she can,t bring herself to wash her body and clothes from the water, doesn,t she eat the food cooked from the water or doesn,t she also go hungry while visiting?

Sincerely, her refusal to wash her body and clothes are simply excuses to cover her habits. If your mother were hers, would she sit at home while her mother goes to the farm and fetch water?

There is no community in Nigeria that began with pipe borne water or doesn,t have culture of farming. Despite attempts by various state governments to develop rural areas, a lot of people are still dependent on streams and river to supply their daily need of water.

And even if she grew up in the city, she cannot claim not to know that farming is part of the African culture.

For this reason look more at her behaviour because there is always a time in marriage or relationship when love isn,t enough to swallow up major differences.

Judging from her current attitude, do you think she has what it takes to endure hardship with you in case of financial challenges in future?

A man or woman who mortgages his or her heritage may find huge disappointment waiting in the future. Is that what you want? Always remember, we are all part of a past, which makes the present and future both our responsibility as well as concern. Your major concern should be what sort of happiness and respect would this woman accord you and your family?

For now, it is important you both give each other time to sort out your differences to avoid too much regrets later in life.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

It will be my pleasure if I can get to meet my ideal woman through your column.

I am a young guy of 27 staying in Lagos. I am really in need of a girl in my life for a serious relationship. She should be between ages 18 and 25 years. She must be lovely and responsible as well come from any tribe in the country.

Interested girl can call me through my private number 08024427728.

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Dear Agatha,

I like how you treat people’s cases. I would like you to help me out. I am a graduate and desperately in need of a partner. I will be happy if you help me out. For an woman interested, this is the number to reach me; 0702374501.

Emarson.

Help Vicious Circle Runs In My Family

Dear Agatha.

I thank you for your effort concerning both the old and young in this country and the great job you are doing for the society.

Agatha, I have a big problem and I don’t know what to do. My mother was never married to my father. They met in school and had me. When I was 16, I got pregnant for this guy. I had two children by him. During my second pregnancy, he impregnated another lady.

As a result, we now live apart. The most painful thing is he took my one-year old son to his father in his village in Anang, Ikot Ekpene. Because I was still breastfeeding the baby at the time he took it away, the baby refused to eat and it became sick. The baby eventually died in their village. I wasn’t told. I only learned about it through my cousin when I travelled to my hometown.

Agatha, at just 18, my life seems to have stopped. Even though one of my children is dead, I am a mother two times over.

I don’t know what to do. I seem to be toeing my mother’s footsteps, but the difference between my mother and I is that she has my brother and I as compensation.

Agatha, what is happening to us?

Princess.

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Dear Princess,

Your mother is the cause of all that is happening to you. Having gone through the experience of single motherhood, she should have done everything humanly possible to prevent her own daughter from doing the same. She should have protected you from the same situations and vices that made her have you and your brother outside wedlock and at the age she did.

She certainly failed in her duties towards you. Being a girl, she should have sat you down when she noticed the changes in your body to tell you about the danger of going all the way with a man. At 16, when you became pregnant with your first child, you had no business sleeping with men.

Even if the first pregnancy was a mistake, she should have ensured the second one didn’t happen by giving you all the love, care and attention you needed to bounce back from the first mistake. Had she offered to take the child, encouraged you to go back to school or whatever it was that you were doing before you got pregnant, this unpleasant situation in your life could have been avoided.

However it is never too late to pick up the shattered pieces of your life if you so wish. We all make mistakes in life but the difference between success and failure is our ability to transform the mistake into strength. There is no greater teacher or drive than experience.

From the ashes of your nasty and unpleasant experiences, you now have the drive you never had to make something meaningful out of this life. Even if life seems a bit of a mess now, the experience must have left you more determined to avoid the mistakes of your mother and the ones you made. You now know how to protect a daughter from falling from grace to grass if you are sensible and a good student of history.

From your mistakes, you now know when to demonstrate love, care and attention to your child. You now know it is the duty of mothers to set standards for their children especially their daughters. That no matter the difficult situation a mother finds herself, it is incumbent on a woman to set the standards for her daughters and to always protect their ways with prayers.

Since you have realised that something is wrong with the way your mother brought you up and that you are suffering this problem because of her mistakes, seek the face of God immediately to break the curse your mother has invited into your family. Ask God to direct you to a powerful deliverance minister of God who would help you stop it from being a foundational problem among your daughters.

Losing a child is one of the worst experiences a woman can go through. It is painful and agonising but there is nothing you can do to bring back that child. What has happened has, you can’t change that. From now, be determined to give your surviving child the best. Go and get a job to support yourself and the child. Ensure the child is
protected from all the negative exposures you experienced. Instill in the child the ways of the Lord and make the Bible his or her best book.

The danger of allowing this situation overwhelm you is, you may never be able to rise again. So be strong for yourself and your surviving child. Trust God not to allow what befell you happen again in your lineage.

If there is a way you can help your mother realise her mistake, don’t hesitate. And please don’t hold any grudge against her. You just have to find it within you to forgive her and put the all the mistakes of the past behind you if you really want to be rid of these problems. You don’t walk with God with bitterness in your heart and life.

Always remember that you went though what happened for a reason. God never allows things happen to use without His own reason. Lean and learn from Him always.

Good luck.

He Says I Must Wear G-String

Dear Agatha,

I’m in my early 40s with grownup children. My last child is in JSS 3 and I’ve been married for close to 21 years, though I’m a graduate with a fairly good job.

I put the interest of my children first. My husband and friends all think I’m boring because I hardly socialise. I’m an introvert whereas my husband is an extrovert.

I have always known my husband for his passion for women and fashion trends. To be frank, I sometimes wonder how our marriage survived all these years because several times I have caught him red-handed with different women but each time he comes back to beg, I forgive and forget.

A lot of my friends think I’m too soft and stupid but Agatha, I never used to be like this. Twice I’ve packed out and would have done so last year when I caught him with another woman at one of the many hotels he visits. It was you who stopped me from doing so because of the advice you gave a woman who was having similar problems. In your reply to that woman, you pleaded for patience and plenty of understanding. Your usual recourse to God remains your strongest point. In that article it was like addressing my problems directly because of the things you said then, I stayed.

Thinking back now maybe I should have gone ahead with my plans because nothing has improved between us.

His phones are filled with sexy messages from various women. The pains I feel can only be imagined. I get this feeling that you preach patience because you have never experienced pains and humiliation in your marriage, that you are one of those lucky women God specially blessed. I honestly don’t mean to be rude because I respect you a lot but do you know what it feels like to be in a bad marriage? Do you know the pains and panic of my husband coming home because I know he is going to pick a fight with me for no just reason or knowing he is with another woman and I can’t do anything about it? It is very frustrating and killing.

The latest bother is that he has come up with one of the most ridiculous ideas of all time. He wants me to wear G-string and beads round my waist. I don’t need anybody to tell me where he got the idea. He must have been seeing them on his girlfriends and wants me in them.

When I tried discussing the matter with him, he said my attitude and lack of adventurous spirit is the reason he started having those affairs. He insists I must do as he wants or consider the marriage over.

When I told my pastor about it, he said I should ignore him that beads and G-string pants were not for Christian women. He said only unbelievers and women of easy virtue wore those pagan things.

My husband, when summoned, told the pastor pointedly that it was either I wore those things or pack out of his house. He told the pastor that my duty as his wife was to obey him.

Agatha, at over 40, how can I learn to wear beads and G-string and not feel ridiculous? Please tell me what to do to make my husband change his mind. I’m honestly fed up with the whole thing. I’m beginning to regret my marriage to him.

Hanny

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Dear Hanny,

To regret is to give up on your marriage and husband. To quit is to say you failed to make the difference when it mattered the most. God is still in the business of answering prayers and doing the impossible.

As a Christian, I’m sure you appreciate that the Christian journey is not without pains and difficulties. And as a mother of grownup children, what would you tell your daughters in future if they come to you for advice over a similar problem? Tell them to give up on their marriages? I’m sure you won’t do that.

I think you should give thanks to God for this little miracle. At least you now know why he is having all those affairs you have caught him in. Not all women have the privilege of being told by their men where they went wrong.

What is the big deal in wearing a G-string and beads to make your man happy? Since he is the one demanding for them, what is the problem? It isn’t as if the idea is coming from you and he is opposed to it. For him to have told you shows willingness on his part to make the marriage work, so why not help him?

Unless you plan on advertising the fact to the whole world that, you are wearing a G-string and beads, these are for the eyes of the only person authorised in the world to see your nakedness.

I’m sure you know that your pastor cannot dictate what happens in your home or overturn what your husband wants. He can only advise you but the ultimate decision is your husband’s. It is also wrong for him to brand women who wear beads and G-strings as women of easy virtue or pagans. There is nothing indecent about underwear because it is private and at the discretion of the two persons in the relationship.

What your pastor feels is not what your husband wants. If you fail to entice him back to yourself and marriage with such sexy underwear, don’t forget there are other women ready to steal him away from you so be sensible and do what would make your home and man happy.

I preach patience and tolerance because that is what God demands of me. Contrary to what you think. I have deep scars from my marriage but they have helped in making me the person I am now. Those scars, though deep, remind me that in life, the best things don’t come easy, that a lot of pains, embarrassments, humiliations and agony go into refining the best of gold. Ask the goldsmith, he would tell you the battle he goes through with the fire to refine those precious ornaments we all adorn with pleasure. If you must know, I’m still in the battlefront, trying to make up for all the mistakes and hasty decisions. No marriage is a bed of roses. For a lot of us, our scars are within, they can never heal completely but with time, they become an integral part of our existence. We all have our secret pains and stories. But you know what? God usually makes ways where there seems to be none. He sometimes allows us to go through that valley to shape us into better human beings. So when I tell you to endure a problematic marriage or situation, it is because I know how it feels and that no situation is beyond God. I’m who and what I am because of those experiences I have gathered till date.

Prayers, fasting and absolute trust in God have never failed to do the magic as I have found out in my case. No matter how long the results take in coming keep praying and fasting to make the difference in your marriage. And please, for the sake of your happiness open up a bit. It would go a long way in keeping your home. Try to give him some of the excitements he goes out to find. It isn’t too much to do for someone you love so much. Learn to be as exciting as the many women he goes out to find.

Good luck.

I Prefer New Marriage To Reunion With My Ex

Dear Agatha,

I am in my mid 40s. Several years ago, my husband that fathered my two children and I went our different ways due to irreconcilable differences. Shortly after, he got married while I decided to remain single hoping he would one day come back to me.

Over the years, all attempts by me to re-establish contact with him were rebuffed. Either the wife or the husband would call back to insult me. Once I had reason to remind him that legally, the court hadn’t annulled our marriage, especially since we wedded in the Registry.

But over time, I soon forgot about her and my ex, giving them enough space to live their lives. Besides, I didn’t have any reason to go to him for anything since God was on my side, helping me with the children and also establishing me in other areas of my life.

Granted, the story of my life hasn’t been an easy one but at every difficult turn God has always been there for me.

Feelings and proposals have come and gone but none strong enough to entice me into matrimony again. With the children away in school, it has become glaring that I need a companion to fill the void the absence of the children has created within me.

This prompted me to consider my most recent proposal. We have tentatively fixed early next year for our wedding but now there is a complication as my ex husband’s friends are now appealing on his behalf. According to them, for a long time now he has come to the realisation that he made a fatal mistake abandoning our marriage and shunning me the way he did.

Now they want me to come back to him to help him build his life again. Although he has not come physically to beg, his friends say I should ignore the existence of the other woman in his house. That being his first wife and the mother of his first set of children, I owe it to my children and me to come back to my husband. When I told them of the existence of another man in my life as well as my planned wedding date, they said, it was best I come back to my first home because starting with another man means fighting fresh battles.

My family doesn’t support my going back to a man who doesn’t even have the guts to come on his own. His children who are both undergraduates too don’t want anything to do with their father.

Since leaving us, not once did he bother with the children. For almost two decades, their responsibilities have been mine alone to shoulder. Ordinarily I have a lot of reasons to ignore him but forced by the uncertainty of tomorrow to tarry to weigh my options carefully.

My new man is a widower with all his four children out of the nest. We have talked extensively about our differences and being more matured, have come to accept our shortcomings as an inevitable part of the package.

Deep down I prefer this older man given the history of my stormy marriage with my ex but I am still very confused and require your usual impartial opinion on this matter. All these matter of reconciliation began three months ago and till now my ex hasn’t come to see me personally on the matter.

Martha.

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Dear Martha,

The choice is ultimately yours. It boils down to what would make you happier in the end hence you must listen to the music of your heart intensively to know the appropriate dance steps.

One thing you must never lose sight of is the fact that your ex hasn’t said anything on this matter. Only his friends appear to be the ones talking. If he is serious at all, he should be in the forefront of this reconciliatory bid, championing it and not his friends.

Whatever promises or assurances his friends are giving you would be implemented by him so why is he not part of the negotiation? There are issues like that of his current wife his friends cannot speak for him. For instance, he has to tell you personally how he intends settling both of you. Who packs in and who packs out if the idea of sharing your man appeals to you?

Frankly, getting rid of her isn’t going to be as easy as you think. Not only has she lived longer than you did with him but also has children whose interests too have to be factored into this development. While a man can send away his wife, he cannot turn his back on his children.

Besides, don’t ignore the fact that this woman would also have her supporters in the family who would resist any attempt to bring you back.

As a matter of fact, the challenge you would be facing with your ex would be enormous, as the woman in the house would fight to keep her territory intact. There is no way she and the children would allow you to come without putting up a fight even if you are his first wife.

Even though the argument of his friends seem valid that going back to your former would save you problems that would arise from marrying into a new family it isn’t also a guarantee against fresh and more dangerous spiritual and physical battles with your ex.

What you should do first is to look at both men. Beyond the issue his friends have raised to support your going back, do you have any compelling reasons for wanting to go back to him? Do you have any feeling for him at all? Do you think the situation that led to your separation has disappeared? Whatever reasons he may have for wanting to quit his second marriage shows that a lot of things aren’t too right about him. It would save you a lot of problems to find out why he seems to be fluctuating.

Alongside, look at the reasons your heart picked the new man out of the many that came your way. Something special and appealing about him must have arrested your heart to make you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

When put alongside with what you feel for your ex, which one comes top? Again you have to consider the possibility of mischief on the part of your ex and his friends who may be out to create confusion in order to stop you from being happy all through your life.

This is because the ideal thing would have been for your ex to sort things out with his current wife before coming to you. Coming to you while the other woman is still under his roof and ignorant of his move is a very tricky proposition that demands a lot of consideration on your path to avoid more pains later in life.

At this important stage in your life, your happiness is the most important thing. Don’t, out of sentiments, take a decision that would please people but end up causing you severe pains at the end of it all.

Honestly you need prayers and wisdom to get through with this. Go back to God and ask him through prayers what He expects of you because this is a very critical stage of your life, a second chance for you to be happy. You really owe it to yourself to be happy hence be bold enough to do what suits you the most. Remember you don’t have any apology at your age to offer to anybody.

Good luck.

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Gold Diggers Surround Me, Need Good Girl To Revamp My Life

Dear Agatha,

I am 31 years of age and first son of seven children from the same mother. I grew up in a very disciplined home. My father is now a retired school principal and my mother is a fashion designer. My mother was the stronger of my parents. My father, the quiet one and never encouraged third party intervention in his life.

My mother took advantage of the disposition of her husband to do what she liked while my father willingly paid the bills. Since it was working for them, nobody complained.

I was very fast in my early education as I obtained my Ordinary Diploma at the age of 18 from the Auchi Polytechnic. My younger sister of 16 years of age was taken to Italy to trade her body for sex. This was the sole decision of my mother who ignored my father’s objection. She didn’t have any excuse because though living in the village we were comfortable.

Being an educationist, my father ensured we were all in schools. Fortunately, my sister met a white man who paid the woman who paid her way to Italy. Today, she is married with three children and has two houses in G.R.A, Benin.

Before her freedom, she was always sending money home, which only my mother knew about. And because my father opposed her source of wealth, she never allowed my father forget when it comes to the issue of him benefiting from my sister’s money.
Through the help of my father, one of his relations agreed to send me to Greece when I was 19 years of age.

Even though life was difficult for me in that country, I was sending money home constantly through my mother to protect my father from problems with her if I should send money through him. Knowing he would never get anything from the money I send through my mother, I secretly took to sending him money to keep his body and soul together.

Four years in Greece, I was fed up so I moved to Italy. I couldn’t stand the moral bankruptcy of Nigerian girls in Italy hence found my way to Germany after only two months in that country. Because of what I witnessed in Italy, I vowed never to marry any girl in Europe because as the saying goes here, they are all retired commercial sex
workers (CSW). Even when they leave to do something else, they are said to be on holiday.

The early days in Germany were difficult until my ex white girlfriend came to my rescue. Through her we went to Sweden and today I am a citizen there. I was able to complete my education and got a good job thereafter.

Today, through my help, an elder sister of mine and two other younger brothers are also in this country while I continued to send money home to my parents.

When it was becoming obvious that age was no longer on my side, I pressured my father especially to look for a wife for me. He got me a girl who turned out to be very unwise. Although from a very humble background, against my mother’s opposition I agreed to marry her by proxy. I began to send her a monthly up-keep of N35,000 in addition to getting her an apartment.

When I came to Nigeria, she got pregnant and had a son for me. To my displeasure, I discovered all the money I sent her was given to her mother to trade, refusing my child first priority. I was angry about it and lodged my complaint with her mother.

To guard against it, her mother told me to open an account for her which I did and deposited N150, 000 for her. But the real challenge came when she decided to move her sisters into the flat I rented for her without my permission. As a matter of fact it was my younger brother who told me about it after his visit to the house. When I complained again, her mother threatened to pressure her daughter into terminating the pregnancy she was carrying for me.

As a result, she insulted my brother and warned him never to come to her house again. When I heard this, I told my parents to send her packing from the flat. She went back to staying with her mother in the village.

I discovered that her mother was only interested in my money. My pain is that the girl is fond of listening to her mother prompting me to tell my parents all I have done for her secretly. This prompted my mother to go and fight the girl’s mother. Now the challenge in my life is to take my son away from his mother and get married to another woman. I have made up my mind not to have anything to do with her, even sending her N300,000 as settlement money.

Agatha, how can I find a woman who isn’t after my money? How can I know a girl for just one month and think of marriage? Who will now help me care for my son when I bring him over? How can I recognise a lady who will stay with me through thick and thin?

A woman or wife is the backbone of everyman, and I really want a wife that loves me for who I am and not for what I have. Except for our last-child all my siblings are married with their own families. The question now, must I be a slave to all these self-thinking people and my mother? I need help as I am dying in silence

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

You are your own problem. Perhaps the success of your sojourn abroad has made you lose touch with reality as well as realistic approach to issues.

In the first instance, there is no offence in what the girl has done to warrant you to send your parents to drive a pregnant woman out of her home simply because she brought her sisters to stay with her.

For goodness sake, being pregnant and alone at home, there is no way she would not need another person staying in the house with her in case of emergency. Even though she was wrong not to have informed you, your reactions were extreme so also were the reactions of your parents.

They should have cautioned you against your actions. Honestly, you failed to protect the girl and your unborn child from the influence of your family making you too as guilty as she is when you accused her of tilting towards her mother.

Under the circumstances you both met and married, there is no way you can completely wean her of her mother’s influence. The reason is simple, despite carrying your child, you are still a stranger to her and what more, and you live millions of miles away from her. It couldn’t have been easy for her. Being young and pregnant, there is no way she could have coped on her own with all the transitions going on in her life.

Were you around, it could have been a different case but with you not there by her side to help with the early morning sickness, the sluggishness of some women during pregnancy, drive away the loneliness of the young woman whose body would naturally crave the company of her man, the warmth and support of her family became her next choice.

It was very wrong of you to have denied her the pleasure of her family’s company just as it was very ungentlemanly for you to have gone to your parents to tell them everything you did for the woman you called your wife. What you did is part of your responsibilities as her man, so you haven’t done anything you shouldn’t do. To have gone to your parents with the information of what happened in your home shows you may be old in terms of age but clearly lack the maturity to handle a woman and your affairs as a man.

Besides, it wasn’t the mother you had business with but the woman whose body is housing your child. If the mother made demands of you in her capacity or she gave the money meant for her upkeep to her mother, the least you should have done is to caution her against it, insisting that the money meant for the upkeep of the baby must be used for the purpose it was sent.

There is no way she would have allowed the baby suffered on account of lack of funds. She probably gave money to her mother to start something out of the abundance she has and out of a desire to help the family too through her good fortune.

The truth is this, if you continue to act irrationally and give your family free rein to control your home and affairs, what happened now would happen all over again. When your brother came with the report of your sisters-in-law presence in your house, the right thing should have been to call your wife to ask why she took the decision without telling you first.

You should have ended the matter there and then until you have the chance to come home to resolve whatever disagreement you had with the arrangement.

One of the fundamental lessons you should keep from this whole experience is never to expose your immediate family to the politics of the extended family to protect your own peace of mind, as a man. At the end of the day, you are the one left with the ache and loneliness of driving away your woman and son. Your parents still have the comfort of each other despite their differences and your brother, the comfort of his friends while you are all alone.

Marriage is all about the good, bad and ugly. Eventually, everything will find its level just like your father has learnt to live with your mother despite their pronounced difference.

Until the child comes of age, you may not get custody of your son. And as for all the questions you asked, the important thing is for you to first of all take stock of you life to enable you know what will work for you. There is no way you can move forward, if you don’t have a clear vision of what you want from life and what is most important to you.

Frankly, the answer to your problem is with you.

Good luck.