My Husband May Have To Choose Between Me, His Sibling

Dear Agatha,

I want you to help solve these problems facing me.

I am a new bride. My husband’s younger brother in his third year in secondary school is living with us. I discharge my responsibilities to this boy as his brother's wife. I give him transport fare to and fro school in addition to pocket money. As one who aspires to be a mother, I ensure he lacks nothing but my problem with him is that he has no respect for me at all.

He never does anything I ask him to do. I combine working with going to school. One day I came back from school at 8p.m. to discover there was no water at home when my husband came back he was very angry with me saying I should have gone out to fetch water when I noticed that there was no water at that time of the night.

As if that wasn’t enough, recently the boy refused to wash his own clothes only for my husband to get upset with me insisting I should have washed the clothes for him.

The humiliation is becoming too much for me. I am no longer happy with my husband. I want to send that boy back to his parents or I live for him. Please advice me on what to do.

Favour.

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Dear Favour,

Don’t make the mistake of giving your husband such ultimatum. It is too early in the day and could cause major problems with your in-laws who could just be waiting for this opportunity to start fomenting trouble in your home.

This boy couldn’t have been acting on his own volition. He is acting a script prepared for him by the unseen hands of some people in the family who may not be happy with the choice of you as their son’s wife. Insisting he goes back would only justify their reason for not liking you in the first place.

Besides, these are the same people you will have to live with for the rest of your life, so would your children in that family. Many a time, it is the beginning of a problem we know, the time and format it would take is usually unknown to us. It is best you don’t even begin a battle you cannot finish especially with one so young, who at best could be your child. He is too minor for you to vacate your home.

Don’t also blame him. The blame is your husband’s. The boy is responding to you the way your husband has projected you. Had your husband stood his grounds, no matter the brief the boy must have got from home, would have been neutralised by him. His attitude so far only encourages the boy to further humiliate you.

To be frank, it is not this boy you have problems with; rather it is your husband who has decided to stripe you of the respect you have as his wife. It is your husband that is empowering him to continue in his attitude towards you.

Sending that boy home would not solve this problem in the long run as your husband would continue to humiliate you in the presence of any member of his family. How many people can you fight?

One of the solutions is for you to stand up to your husband to demand for your right as his wife. Impress it on him that any insult on your person is his to share too.

What you should first do is to call the boy aside and talk to him as you would your child. Make him understand that you have taken him as your son and as your son, you expect him to accord you the respect deserving of your position as his mother.

He is too young for you not to be able to handle. Let him know that as long as he stays in your house, he has to execute his own side of the bargain. If possible explain the different duties you and your husband do to make his stay comfortable. For instance let him know that you are the one who pays his transport fare to and fro school as well as buy him those things you bring home for him.

This, he has to know to help you erase whatever impression or thoughts may have been implanted into his head before your marriage to his brother.

Don’t also forget that he is in his teenage years, that time in the life of every child they become difficult to manage and generally recalcitrant. The way you manage him will show how well you can manage your own child. Besides, you must also appreciate the fact that you are both coming from different backgrounds.

It could be in his house, his mother does all the chores for him like washing of clothes and fetching of water. Changing from the training he got from home may not be that easy. The transition would take tact and wisdom from you to bring about.

This is why you must first take him on to know if he is being deliberately mischievous, or just acting his training out.

You may also have to take a trip outside your home to get information. For instance, look at any of your in-laws, who has the friendliest attitude towards you and confide the challenge you are having with your young brother-in-law. The intention is not to drive him but to serve as your back up should things degenerate and principally to get the right information to help you tackle him.

Have it at the back of your mind that marriage is never a smooth ride. Problems could come from anywhere. Your own children might just be the ones causing the quack in your marriage. We all just have to learn how to manage the peculiarities of our challenges.

The other step you should take is to call your husband to express your reservations at his handling of the matter. Let him know that even if you have treated his brother in a way he doesn’t like, he should call you to express his reservations not drag you in the mud right in front of the third party.

From this beginning learn to voice your objections, albeit in a very respectful way. Your husband has to know that you derive your strength from him and that when he denies you the cover you need to be strong, you are not the only one who is exposed but he too. Frankly, he is the one you have the major challenge with not any of your in-laws, least of all, this boy.

Whatever happens learn to be patient and loving to this young man despite his behaviour. This does not mean you should indulge him but exercise the tolerance to train him in the right way.

Don’t worry, if he gets rude at times, a disciplinary measure executed in love will fix the problem quicker than shouting and fighting.

Besides, you need people like him to train you to help develop well in crisis management.

Importantly, go before God in prayers. Commit your marriage to Him as well as all the challenges inherent in it.

Good luck.

Re: One Kid ‘ll Reward 10-year Love Venture With Him

Dear Agatha,

I want to comment on the above subject from Alice.

My prayer is that God will continually supply you with wisdom and understanding towards the good work you are doing.

I want Alice to know that men are generally polygamous in nature.

This man was honest from the onset about his marital status as well as his disinterest not to marry another woman.

That pronouncement alone makes it clear that whatever he was having on the side wasn’t meant to be permanent. By accepting to date this man meant Alice agreed with the conditions he spelt out. I want Alice to know that what she called ‘love’ is because the man is ‘ready made soup,’ and what she is looking for now is to take her own part of the soup. Unfortunately things don’t work that way always.

She is complaining she is of age, didn’t she notice that before agreeing to date this married man in spite of spelling out his conditions from the outset.

Her intentions of going to that man’s house to meet his wife and family to disgrace the man would only end in her own embarrassment because she lacks a valid case. For 10 years she denied the woman of quality time with her husband and the children too. Alice should wake up to reality.

I want her to know that not everybody is affected by charms.

Granted this man has betrayed the vows of his marriage but he appears to enjoy the favour of God, which makes it impossible for him to be destroyed by any man. Having avoided her for sometime, she should do the decent thing, allow him be. There is no way the wife can pretend she isn’t aware of Alice’s involvement with her husband but if she ignored her, why can’t Alice do the same thing?

The best thing for her now is forgive yourself, ask God forgiveness and drop a note for the man and also ask him for forgiveness by wishing him a happy home.

She should repent and pray for changes to come into her life.

In addition, she should run away from her so-called evil friends if she wants to be happy in life.

Oby.

My Confidence Too Low To Woo Woman

Dear Agatha,

Where in the world did you learn this talent of overcoming people’s problems?

I am a 20-year-old boy who since secondary school has had no relationship with any woman. I often ask my friends how they manage to talk women into having relationships with them. Some of my friends think my question funny. They ask if I am impotent. Agatha, it has nothing to do with impotency but my inability to chat up a girl to respond to my overtures. It is also confusing to me. I don't know why it happens like that. Please help me if you can.

Lonely boy.

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Dear Lonely boy,

All the glory for whatever I am doing here rightly belongs to God. He is the problem solver; I am only doing His bidding. You are having this problem because deep down you have this morbid fear that you don't have what it takes to keep these girls. Unless you overcome your sense of limitations, inadequacy and fear of embarrassing yourself in the presence of a woman, you would never be able to chat up a woman.

One of the ways to challenge this restriction in your life is to accept the fact that we are all prone, one time or the other, to mistakes and making fools of ourselves. Ask a lot of experienced men, they would tell you that the first time they talked to a woman was the most difficult time of their lives. It is the most frightening because it is an entirely new terrain.

The gut to withstand the cold stare of the woman, her arrogance, and sometimes, outright rudeness is what you need. Brave it because underneath the facade of indifference and toughness most women put up the first time a man approaches them, is a soft and friendly side.

The worst, a woman can do is to tell you off. She is only exercising her prerogative. Move on to one who would receive your interest with happiness.

Being honest, simple and factual would work better magic for you than any word. Don't worry too much about any woman who shuns you or is very rude to you. It is one of the processes you have to confront in your journey towards manhood.

Next time you see a girl you like, begin the process by limiting your interest to general topics like the weather, situation of the country, politics and her interest in life. Your interest should only be tabled when you are both sufficiently friendly.

Good luck.

She Abhors Me For Lacking In Civility

Dear Agatha,

I am a 23-year-old boy. There was this day I went to the church, and during service I noticed this pretty lady who lives on my side of town.

We proposed to see after service because I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. As my friends and I were walking back home after the service we met them along the way back home but because some elders were coming behind us we couldn't start interacting immediately. When we got to a point where we were alone, I told her of my desire to have her for a friend. From her countenance I could detect reluctance on her part. When I asked for her name, she refused to tell me but since we were almost at her place, we couldn’t continue our conversation so I promise to see her next day at the service.

She didn't make it to the service the next day. I was anxious when she still didn't come the day after that. I was relieved when I saw her three days later. I rushed to ask what kept her away for those days she was absent from church. With a face screwed up in something akin to irritation, she said nothing was the matter.

I refused to be intimidated by her coldness even though deep down it felt so sharp and painful.

I developed the habit of asking after her health and her observation of the service, despite her indifferences to me. One day she told me pointblank to stop disturbing her. She said I was caging her.

That day, she even refused to respond to my friends' greetings.

Too confused, my friends and I followed her all the way to her home. My friends agreed to help me because I told them how I feel about her and how I didn't want to lose her.

When her house was within sight, she told us to go back and that she does not want to see any of us around her again. I left dejected at her attitude but having known the exact room and compound she stays, I was determined to do a follow up. I later discovered that her married sister and her family she stays with are also members of our church.

After that incident, there was a programme in the church and we found ourselves sitting side by side. I initially didn’t see her. At any rate, my feelings for her have changed from what was. I didn't feel anything for her anymore.

When she noticed I wasn't staring at her as the pastor was preaching she began to make efforts to talk to me. Becoming embarrassed by her attitude, I had to relocate.

After the programme, I told my friends about her and her reactions to me. We all agreed to go see her at home thinking her reactions towards me has thawed. When we got to her house the next day, it was a different person from the one I saw in the church. After listening to what we had to say, she told us that she does not deal with guys like us because in her estimation we are too uncivilised. She warned us never to come near her again.

I was confused and wondered at the contradiction in her attitude.

What should I do? I really love her. She is not wayward and does not flirt. I need your help even though I know she does not love me. It is so bad that she no longer responds to my greetings.

Sunday.

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Dear Sunday,

There is little you can do to make her change her mind. She simply does not feel what you feel for her, I know how damning and painful it is to have feelings for someone who does not reciprocate, but better to be disappointed at this early stage than to suffer heartbreak later.

She has told you in a very clear term, she is not interested in you. Stop hurting and embarrassing yourself, she has told you what she thinks of you and your class of friends.

The only way you can make her notice you and prove to her that you are not uncivilised is to challenge yourself to succeed in life. Set a very high target for yourself, work towards achieving it. It doesn't matter how long it takes, just be determined to change your status from an uncivilised boy to a very successful man.

This challenge of her words could be the reason God made your paths crossed. Maybe, you are one of those young men who is never serious with life, hence this harsh words from a woman to make you sit up.

You would have failed the inherent test of this encounter if you fail to take up the challenge of improving on yourself and status. If you are still in school, concentrate on your education and be determined to graduate with very good grades to attract premium employment. If you have already left school, be determined to put in your best.

What she thinks of you now does not matter but would, if she meets you in the same situation in another decade to come. The value we put on ourselves through our determination to succeed is what we are judged with when the final day comes. At the age you are, you need opinions like hers to fuel your determination in life. You need people whose belief in your dream to get the added push to succeed in life.

Pick up the pieces of what is left of your pride and sit back to take stock of your life. Where do you need to concentrate more energy? What do you need to cut out of your life? Do these, and you would always remember this lady as having helped you achieve your dream in a very special way.

Don't worry too much, if God says she has more than a passing role to play in your life you would still meet somewhere else and begin that journey to a lifetime together. But if not, bury your pains and disappointment and say a big thank you to God for frustrating this interest because it is the key to brighter and happier tomorrows. What is left is for you to seek the face of God in getting to your promised land.

Good luck.

He Beats Me Like Boxer In Ring

Dear Agatha,

I have been married for six years with two children. Unfortunately, the marriage lacks peace.

My husband is always in the habit of beating me whenever we have misunderstanding. As a matter of fact I never liked or loved him but the church forced me into marrying him on the grounds that he is a nice man. I am 29 now and he is 45 years of age.

He doesn’t care for the children or I, as I carry the entire family responsibilities despite earning a meager salary. His excuse for not taking care of the children and I is that he is waiting to be blessed by God before he takes on his responsibilities to his family.

Recently be beat me to the point that I was unconscious, before our neighbours rushed me to the hospital.

Thereafter, I ran away with the children. The church intervened insisting it is God’s will for me because I wedded him in the church.

I don’t want to go back to him. I’m afraid he may kill me. I am so confused and helpless. What should I do?

Efe.

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Dear Efe,

At this stage the issue goes beyond you or the church. Involve your family since any permanent injury or death that occurs from this domestic violence would affect them most.

When a man takes to beating his wife into unconsciousness, that marriage is in severe trouble and begging alone will not wish the problem away.

The church cannot blackmail you to stay at the expense of your life. It is because you are alive they can come to beg you. Had you died in the process of being beaten by this man, who would the church come to beg? A dead body?

It is obvious there are thorny issues in this marriage that should not be swept under the carpet on the altar of religious doctrine. The church is in the best position now to change him for good provided they have the right attitude towards this matter.

This isn’t just a case of begging you to come back but of digging deep to find out what the real issues are. Why does he take delight in beating you? Is it a perfect solution to whatever it is you are doing wrong? Why is he refusing to care for the children and you?

These are clear volatile issues that could cripple any marriage.

Begging you to come back without first clearing all the outstanding causes of problems in the marriage, would only complicate things between the two of you later in the future.

One of the cardinal responsibilities of the church is to find a lasting solution to whatever that makes him to beat you. The situation in your marriage calls for a pragmatic approach not a doctrinaire solution like the church seems to be pursuing.

To get them to listen to whatever you feel is the problem, go to the authority of the church with a view of getting them to listen to you. Tell them the consequences of pressurising you to go back into the marriage without them first clearing out all the dark cobwebs that have constituted problems to you and your spouse. This is one time you shouldn’t allow yourself to be pushed into doing what you don’t want to do.

If the church is refusing to listen to you, remind them of their responsibilities to you and why they should take liability for the problem they helped in creating in the first place.

This is your life hence must be very clear and definite about the way you want things to go because you need to be alive to care for those children.

No matter how anyone else tries to care for those children, they cannot do a good job as you, so always bear this in mind during the process of resolving the crisis in your marriage.

The role you have to play towards finding an amiable solution to the issues involved in your marriage is to admit to your own faults too. The truth is, even if you agree to go your different ways, it can be absolute because of those children hence you must strive to keep the communication line opened if not for now but for the sake of those children who would one day want to know about their father. No matter how you desire it, those children cannot keep permanent enmity with their father.

You may have pushed the man into desperate measures through the attitude you are putting up as a result of your not liking him. When a woman finds herself in a situation like yours, the tendency is for her to misbehave and force the man through her indifference to him to do things he wouldn’t do in a very normal situation.

If this is the case, be honest enough to admit your contributions to the problems at hand, it would make a fair resolution possible.

I say this because marriage is a complicated landmine, which needs a bold, honest, and firm approach to navigate it to a safe landing. A man deserves respect to continue to function as head of the home while a woman requires care and attention to play her role as wife effectively.

What is missing in your marriage? If those issues are resolved can you live with this man in peace and harmony? You are at that stage in your marriage when the crisis you are facing is making everything appear just in one dull colour. Most marriages go through the process but once able to overcome this period the other hidden beautiful colours will start to emerge.

It is just a matter of you being able to endure this period and focus on the best way to go about sourcing for solutions. However, at the end of the day, let the decision of what you would do come from you and not from those around you. This way you will be able to endure the consequences that come from the position you opted for.

Committing this marriage to the able hands of God will also help you look at other areas you haven’t bothered to look into due to the pains you are currently going through.

Good luck.

Need A Girl In My Life

Dear Agatha,

I will be happy if through your column I find a girl of my choice. I am a 300 Level undergraduate of the University of Benin (UNIBEN). I really need a girl in my life for a sex-free relationship, between the ages of 18 to 21 years of age, who can define the word relationship.

She must be a Christian but could come from any tribe. Interested girl can call me through this phone no: 08032417035.

Thank you very much and God bless you.

Any Honour Expressing My Feelings For Him Via Text Message?

Dear Agatha,

There is this issue eating me up but don’t know how to resolve it.

There is this man who has been my friend for over a year. Over the months, he has shown signs of his desire to be more than a friend even though he hasn’t said anything to that effect.

I also started developing something deeper for him so I sent him a text message stating my feelings for him.

He called me back to inform me that we need to talk, but my fear is that I don’t know if what I did is right. I don’t want any thing that will destroy my image.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

You haven’t done any thing wrong or to be ashamed of. If this man decides to interpret what you have done as being cheap and indecent then he is not worthy of you.

Life generally is about risk taking. Rather than die in silence or regret your actions later down the years like most women and men do, you took the important step of securing your happiness. It is called being bold and honest. Besides, you are both friends.

However, there is the need for you before your meeting to have proper definition of what you feel. What exactly do you feel for this man? Aren’t you mistaking your feeling of friendship for him to be love? This is very important because if what you feel for him weren’t the real thing, it would destroy the foundation of friendship you have both built together.

The only mistake you did was not to have thoroughly subjected your feelings for him to proper analysis before sending him that text. Often than not those in your kind of situation unknowingly mistake the chemical of friendship for love, and putting a temporary distance between the two of you is the only way to be sure you are not mistaking one kind of feeling for the other. Granted, friendship is the prime property in a viable love relationship, but it needs the chemical of love to bond properly. This has nothing to do with mere sexual feeling, but that kind of feeling that differentiates pure sexual attraction from enduring ones that can withstand the text of time. A man and woman can be friends without having the right kind of feelings to stay together.

To be sure you know what you want, take some few days away from him to enable you think clearly. Some of the issues you should consider are: would you have found him attractive enough to fall in love with if meeting him for the first time? What are those extra qualities that are making you to consider spending the rest of your life with him? Would you feel a sense of bereavement or loss if it doesn’t work out between the two of you? If what you would feel is a sense of absoluteness, then it is worth your venture, but if temporary it might fall short of the effort.

When you both meet to talk, let him have the first go at the dialogue session. Listen attentively to what he has to say and look out for signs, especially if he accepts your proposals. Make sure it is because he feels the same way about you and not because he feels an obligation to you.

Overall, learn to be happy with whom you are and never give any person the opportunity to doubt your integrity. It is only when you give people the opportunity to call you names or question your integrity that you end up with credibility crisis.

Good luck.

My Girl Takes No Order Until I Bark

Dear Agatha,

I am 26 years old while my girlfriend is 19. Our relationship is just nine months old.

Our problem is that hardly will day passed without any quarrel due to her rudeness to me. She never listens to me until I shout at her, after which she will begin to cry.

It has become the pattern of our relationship and I am no longer comfortable with her behaviour, though I love her.

Agatha, could this be as a result of her age? Can she still be said to be a child?

Worried Guy.

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Dear Worried Guy,

At 19, she still has a long way to go. At the tail end of her turbulent teenage years, she is bound to still be stubborn and an irritant to anyone close to her. She is at the age where receiving instruction or abiding by the rules is most difficult.

This is because she already sees herself as an adult and doesn’t understand why she can’t have all the freedom that go with the age.

Your job as her boyfriend is not to get irritated but to show her through your own good example that being an adult doesn’t stop one from abiding by rules.

Shouting at her will only frighten her and make her wonder at the wisdom of exchanging one form of restriction for another. Don’t forget all these while she has been under the authority of either her parents or guardians, whose rules she has to abide with to prevent problems from them.

In her mind’s eyes, she sees her relationship with you as a visa to the world of unlimited freedom one in which she can do and undo.

Right now she isn’t sure with you breathing down her neck with the very rules she is running from. You have broken the mirror of the perfect world she had all along dreamt of. Her cries are therefore signs of frustration, despair as well as disappointment.

Being eight years older than she is, give her the benefit of your experience. Help her understand through patience and understanding that there is nothing like absolute freedom. That life is about moderation and that our senses of responsibilities to the feelings of others around us demand we always strive to put their interest first before ours.

That having a sense of responsibility for others is the check nature has placed on our freedom.

When next she refuses to obey simple instruction, let her understand that a relationship without its own sets of rules cannot succeed. She has to learn to respect you as the leader of the team for you to appreciate her position in your life. That if she continues to behave like she is currently doing, the love you have for her might not be able to sustain the relationship.

Also give her the opportunity to make her mistakes because that is the only way she can learn. This is possible through patience and tolerance on your path. Desist from being too rigid and appreciate the fact that you too went through this subtle crisis in your own time.

Good luck.

I Fear For My Pint-sized Children

Dear Agatha,

I am a married woman with two growing children. I am not very tall. My husband even though he is slightly tall seems to have short genes dominating his body system. Our two children from all indications are going to be short too as they actually seem shorter in height than most of their peers.

I know that gene is responsible for this, but I have a feeling that with good nutrition and probably medication, the children can grow taller. Please, what nutrition or food do you recommend that I feed them with? What do you think I can do to help them grow taller? The first one is 13 years while the second is 10 years.

Worried Mother.

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Dear Worried Mother,

The first thing you should never do is to give these children complex about their heights. Your position as their mother is to encourage them to act as their shield and not to be in the vanguard of pumping complex into their brains.

It is also important that you don’t begin to give them ideas that there are magical pills anywhere.

These children are at very tender ages when a wrong move or word can change their lives forever. Once you make them feel inferior among their peers, you risk depriving them of the joy of their age, the freedom of growing up and consequently creating issues that should not have been raised in the first place.

This is what you as their mother must strive to avoid. You may not be able to handle the cost of the problems your concerns over the heights of these children are going to create for you now and in future. Frankly, your concerns are misplaced. Your children can only be proud of who they are if you give them the encouragement to be. So be a good mother and learn to celebrate your own with the loudest of cheers. This is what you owe them.

You also have to watch your attitude concerning your husband to avoid infesting your marriage too with problems that should not come up in the first place. Didn’t you notice your husband’s height when you decided to go into a relationship with him and subsequently marry him? He couldn’t have been the tallest man you met as a girl. The fact that you agreed to marry him despite his height means you should learn to appreciate the man for who he is not demean him on account of the height of the children who have your both genes.

Having said that, yes there are some kinds of foods and exercises that can help these children gain some few inches. I won’t encourage you to introduce these children to drugs at this early age. Remember you are the one with the problem, not these children so be careful how you go about it and what you expose them to.

Before you blame the genes, what sort of diet do you feed them with? Help them by giving them milk, yoghurt, cheese, and as regularly as possibe because these are good sources of protein. Their bones need phosphorus, calcium, and magnesium while the muscles need water, protein and carbohydrates to grow. Since they are growing taller, muscles and bones are getting bigger and longer.

It is also imperative they eat at regular hours and intervals. It is very important they don’t skip meals especially breakfast. Begin theirs with balanced diet.

Let them take time to taste and chew on their food well in addition to encouraging them to drink plenty of water with the food.

From time to time change menu to keep them excited and interested in eating. Although there is something about hormonal injections, i don’t think it is advisable.

Also introduce them to vitamins and well as encourage them to go for fresh air as regularly as possible. What is important is to ensure they are in good health. Once they are happy, let the matter rest in the interest of peace in your home.

Good luck.

Irresistible, Yet She’s Not Interested In Me

Dear Agatha,

I really enjoy how you solve problems; may God solve yours too. Please I need your help. I am 22years of age and will be a graduate next year. There is this religious girl, a classmate of mine, who we shall both graduate next year.

I wooed her when we were in 100 level but till date, she hasn’t given me an answer to my request. Her reason for rejecting me is because she calls me a Saturday keeper while she is a Sunday keeper.

I don’t believe her reason is because I sometimes notice she shows interest in me. In addition she regularly calls me on phone and I in turn send her romantic love messages. Her roommate told me that of the men that have asked her out, I am the only she respects the most. We share information about our movements. I love her and desire to marry her but I am getting tired of waiting endlessly. I have also tried to develop interest in other women but it just isn’t working.

A lot of my friends have told me to allow her be but I can’t because I love her so much. I don’t know why she is doing this to me. She is very brilliant. Please help me by calling her number to beg on my behalf.

Ola.

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Dear Ola,

I called the number you gave me and the lady claimed to be your friend, but denied knowing you in the way you suggested. Though she admitted to having a classmate that goes by your name, she says there is such familiarity between the two of you and that as far she knows the person that goes by your name has a girlfriend.

As it stands, it’s best you forget this lady and move on with your life. If true, you both exchange information concerning your movements, denying you and giving the picture as a vague person in her life. Whatever issue you both have it is advisable you both find time to discuss it on a very personal level so it doesn’t affect the friendship between the two of you.

Good luck.

I’m A Pastor But My Wife Is Wayward

Dear Agatha,

I urgently need your help to resolve the crisis rocking my home. I’m a preacher who is married with seven children.

My wife has been a thorn in my flesh. Over the years has variously accused me of having several other women in my life as well as trying to kill her.

I have prayed and released several curses. My pain and confusion follow her confession of having had extra marital affairs with an old man of 60, whom she said she slept with once and a 30-year-old young man she slept with thrice between September last year and March this year.

I have repeatedly warned her against this man being a false prophet but she has refused to listen to me.

My children, who don’t have the details of the last development are against my intention to send their mother out of the house. According to them, people will mock me if I drive their mother away.

Agatha, I’m so confused. Please tell me how to handle this delicate problem.

Obi.

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Dear Obi,

I admit this is a very tough case to handle given the gravity of the allegations against your wife.

But before I say anything I want to make it clear that the final result of a relay race cannot be based only on the efforts of the last sprinter. It takes a collective effort to determine the outcome of a relay race.

The same goes for marriage. The final outcome of a married is determined by the quality of effort both parties put into its survival. To put the entire credit or blame of a marriage on the doorsteps of one of the parties is saying the other party has no role whatsoever in the final outcome. It takes two to tango and no man or woman is an island.

Marriage works best when the two persons involved acknowledge their different roles as well as the extent of their responsibilities to each other.

Profound and complicating issues come when either party ignores the existence and rights of the other person within the bond. Before becoming a part of a marriage each individual has rights. These basic rights have to be respected at all times to give way to the collective right being married brings with in.

To resolve this issue, it would do both of you a world of good to remove focus from the casualty your vows have become to all the outstanding issues you both were unable to resolve that led to the issues, especially if you are both concerned about the interests of the other parties in the union. This issue has gone beyond what you two feel but to how best you can both accommodate the desires and interests of your children who are products of this marriage.

This issue has gone beyond the apocalypse of your present situation to what would work for all concerned. Being a preacher, you must understand that some victories come with very embarrassing, painful, seemingly stupid and difficult choices that must be made. Life is a good dose of the bitter and sweet. The real nectar in life is the peace we deploy in the midst of excruciating challenges.

To help you have a clearer focus, why was your wife constantly under the impression that there were other women in your life or that you wanted her dead?

These are really weighty allegations capable of putting any woman or man under severe emotional stress. There is no way she could have simply manufactured such stories without basis? Can you plead innocent in her allegations? Were your own hands clean especially the bit about having affairs outside your home?

For that matter what sort of husband have you been to her? Many a time, we mistake our religious callings for complete seclusions of our families from our own lives. As preacher, how did you balance your religious involvement with your responsibilities to your wife especially? Were you ever available when she needed you as a woman? Did you encourage her and those feelings or mocked her desire to have privacy with her husband? Can you be called a loving and caring husband? One who puts at all times the interest of his wife and children before others? Who are these other women around you causing the quake in your home? How far did you go at trying to integrate your wife into your religious activities, to make her understand that these other women are part of your flock in the vineyard of God?

Why does she think you want to murder her? Have you ever tried to find out if any of these women parading as one of your sheep could have ulterior motive, giving the impression to your wife that you and she are an item? This is what you should investigate because more often than not, there is no smoke without fire.

For her to place such a weighty accusation at your doorstep couldn’t have been out of nothing. And being the man of the house what efforts did you make to help avert the current moral impasse confronting your marriage, especially as a man of God?

When a woman craves for only the fulfilment her husband can give her but he isn’t available to perform his role in her life or unable to appease this deep thirst in her due to other peripheral assignments, which you have given yourself, this kind of thing comes up.

For a woman who isn’t strong enough, this can make her do the unpardonable. This is because when a woman needs her husband in that special way and he isn’t there and ignores her believing what she feels is nothing, it could force her to find fulfilment elsewhere against her will.

What roles did you play in pushing her into the waiting arms of these men? We can condemn her how we like but it would not change the facts of the matter especially if you plan on bringing another woman into your life. She would still do the same thing if you continue to treat issues concerning her and her feelings with disdain.

A woman is only a woman if she is sufficiently able to sustain the attention of a man in her. The frustration of unmet desires has pushed many women into breaking their marital vows; some going to the ridiculous extent of sleeping with their drivers simply to have the warmth of a man.

It is only when you objectively look at your own contributions to the problems at hand that she can be roundly condemned.

This is where your calling as a man of God comes in. Were a sheep of yours to bring to your notice this type of problem, how would you solve it? Insist the woman vacates the home before you even have the time to find out all the attached outstanding issues that led to the problem?

Doubtless, she stands guilty of the crime of adultery but the law of fairness demands you both sit down to discuss your collective mistakes. Your marriage may not be redeemable if you have both gotten to the point of no return, that place where you cannot forgive and forget this very low point of your marriage but sit you must to discuss the interests of your seven children; those special gifts God blessed your marriage with, the pride of your manhood as well as womanhood. You both owe these children so much consideration because if due to the quality of marriage and decisions you and their mother make now, something untoward happens to any of them, none of you would be able to forgive yourselves.

When issues like this come up, go into the future and see if this incident would matter so much as it matters now. This you can do by thinking about those important things you would find irreplaceable if she vacates your life. She couldn’t have been all bad news; she must have some outstanding qualities that made you stay with her to have seven children.

Without your collective mistakes, do you consider the adulterous type; one who sleeps around with anything in trousers? To have a better focus in life, we must look at the past for the present and the future to be happy.

If you were the one who openly confessed to adultery would you expect her to forgive you and forget the incident in the interest of the children and marriage? Sincerely, this is the point you need the wisdom and direction of God to go on because to depend on your own wisdom could have more bitter implications for you.

Good luck.

My Girl’s Past Haunts Our Dream

Dear Agatha.

I am a boy of 24 years and student of the University of Abuja.

I am currently dating a girl whom before I met lived a very dangerous life. In addition, she is secretive and has a very pretentious nature.

In December last year, a cousin of hers who unfortunately died in January this year cautioned me on the need to be very strict with her due to her nature and tendencies.

This information led me to question her about her past and person. At first, she didn’t say anything but one day capitulated to my pressures. She told me the reason she abandoned her former lifestyle is because of me. After my talk she also left the group she belonged.

According to her, the specialty of this group is to blackmail prominent men. Perhaps the most shocking and surprising thing about this is the involvement of her uncle in crime chain. As a matter of fact her uncle dragged her into it.

Now the group is threatening to expose her to the public and at the same time deal with her. They are aware that a man is responsible for her quitting the trade but they don’t know my identity. They have written several letters to her and always bring them to me to read.

Honestly, I am in love with her. She has done things to prove to me that she also falls head on toe with me. The most shocking of the discovery is meeting her intact the first time we made love. Please help me out because I don’t know how to handle this matter at all.

M.E.O.

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Dear M.E.O.,

Meeting her a virgin shows that whatever quality of life she led while she was with this gang didn’t affect her person and character. Whatever her uncle used her for only affected her superficially, a good sign that whatever the situation this kind of woman finds herself she can be trusted to hold her own.

However, that doesn’t eliminate the implications of the threat letters she is receiving from the gang. Since she has insider’s information, she too can blackmail the gang by threatening to go to the Police with the information about them and how they have been using her to blackmail men into submitting to their demands. She should also go a step further by threatening to make public all the lists of men they have blackmailed and also those they are planning to blackmail. Threatening to expose their modus operandi to the same members of public that they want to expose her to would make them think twice. This is because she won’t be the only one they would have lost but their main source of income. Blackmailers don’t like being blackmailed so when they are pushed to the wall, like the cowards they are, run for cover.

Refusing to be intimidated is the only way she can win this battle and maintain her sanity. But there is also the need for her to report these threats to the Police to prevent any ugly incident whether now or in the future.

She should be bold to report the matter at the Police Station leaving the Police to decide whether the matter worth pursuing or not.

This is very pertinent because if they go to the Police before her, it could spell trouble for her as well as your relationship with her especially if paraded as an accomplice in the crime of blackmail.

But going to the Police first offers her soft landing in case the gang becomes desperate and careless in the process of getting her back at all cost.

This is the time she needs your confidence and wisdom to get through all these. Make sure she has enough confidence in your love and trust to do what is right at the end of the day.

Good luck.

My Fiancé’s Ex Threatens Fire If We Dare Altar

Dear Agatha,

I really thank God for using you in solving our problems. Please do not relent this good work.

I am into a relationship that is almost five years old. January this year, my friend proposed marriage and I accepted.

But by March my problem started. Precisely, on March 3 a strange ••Glo•• phone number sent a text message to my fiancé. At first, the person sounded as if coming from a spiritual viewpoint. The sender of the message claimed there were so many visions that didn’t support our marriage. The person, who sent the message whose gender couldn’t be identified from the text initially instructed my fiancé to leave me or face the embarrassment of me leaving him when he least expects.

After sometime, the tone changed and the gender identity could be confirmed. She vowed that my fiancé and I will never get married.

Last month, I was walking down the road with my eldest sister when three boys stopped us to warn me against continuing with the wedding plan else they will teach me a hard lesson.

My sister was angry and afraid like I did too because of this open threat.

Two weeks after the incident, I travelled out of town, but when I returned my neighbours told me that two boys and a girl came, asking them to tell me to leave her husband alone. Their faces were unfamiliar, my neighbours noted.

Recently, the person sent another text message threatening to come to my office to disgrace me if I don’t discontinue the relationship. My fiancé is of the view that the person is joking or not serious.

Please what do you think I should do in this situation? I am so confused.

Favour.

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Dear Favour,

Since your fiancé appears to be taking the entire thing with levity, inform him of your intentions to report the matter to the Police since this is a clear case of threat to your life. The danger of the whole thing is that from whosoever these threats are coming, they know everything about you whereas you don’t even know who they are.

This heightens the danger because your attacker can be anybody when you least expect it. Anybody who would go to the extent of hiring people to issue physical threats to you on the road as well as in your house can’t be joking about their demands. In these days of kidnap and acid baths, every threat must be viewed as serious enough to get the police involved.

Good enough, there is modern technology that enables the service providers to zero in on the identity as well as locations of callers. Once a report is made, the Police will get to the bottom of the matter if your fiancé keeps insisting on not knowing who the culprits are.

For now be vigilant and don’t hesitate to report any strange movement around you to the Police. If possible, relocate quietly to another place and place the management of your office on alert. Tell your supervisors at work all about the threats. This is to help you manage the consequences of their threats should they actually come to make trouble at your office.

Frankly, the attitude of your husband to be is a little bit worrisome. Since the threats are coming from a woman, there is no way he can feign ignorance of the possible identity of the person. Ask him pointedly if he has at any time, before or during your relationship, promised another woman marriage. If yes, who is the woman and why did they part.

From the extent this other lady is bent on going his involvement with this lady appears current. Demand to know the truth since it is your life that stands on the line. Your five years of being together can only come to a happy ending if you are alive and of good health.

His major task is to protect you from these threats. Irrespective of how much damage it would bring to your relationship, he should be bold enough to come out with what he knows about the identity of this other lady to end the emotional turmoil you are passing through.

As it is, you are groping alone in the dark. Whatever that is giving him the confidence to treat the naked threats with levity should be shared with you, who is at the receiving end. To make him appreciate the situation, tell him to imagine if the threats were coming from your end, how he would feel if you give it the same treatment.

The other point is his reactions to issues affecting you. If he doesn’t think this is serious enough to offer you his protection what can else be more serious? The ideal thing would have been for him to go to the source of the problem to deal with it once and for all before giving such assurances. Had those people met you at home, there is no telling what they could have done to you. For them to have gone to the extent of leaving a warning with your neighbours underscores their determination and intent.

Insist you need his assurances and protection now more than ever before. It is well.

Good luck.

My Man Is A Chronic Miser…

Dear Agatha,

I enjoy reading your column. Someone approached me with this problem, so I decided to direct it to you for answer.

There is this friend of mine, who has been in a relationship with this guy for seven years and who recently proposed marriage to her.

However, her fear is, she feels the guy is too stingy and isn’t sure if the guy will ever change after they get married. She says the man has never for once given her a gift and when she asked him about it, he said it was all because she declined the first time she came to visit him when he offered her transport fare.

Even after they became very good friends the guy still doesn’t give even when she buys card for him to stimulate him.

She doesn’t know if the guy is pretending to be stingy as a way of testing her or is actually stingy.

Concerned Friend.

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Dear Concerned Friend,

Beyond not buying her gifts, how is his attitude to her generally? Does he love? Does he care, understanding, and always concerned about her welfare?

Having spent seven years with him, what sort of friend is he to her? What sort of temperament has he?

These are qualities that would help her properly decode the type of person he really is. Any man who is caring and understanding will never be stingy or selfish. He may be sensible about the application of money but not stingy.

Being careful about the application of money is thinking before spending, having the mind of necessities and not desires. Being stingy on the other hand means having difficulties spending money on even the bare essentials of life.

If he were stingy, there is no way she can invest seven years of her life in him and their relationship. She would have long vacated the relationship because a stingy person, is often brash, uncaring and lack the understanding of another person.

And even if he is stingy, can his other outstanding qualities swallow up this aspect of him? This is against the background that nobody has it all, not even your friend who is complaining.

She accepted his proposal to marry him because she found many aspects of his character agreeable to her way of life. This is one fundamental she should never forget in spite of what she feels about his attitude towards money.

Rejecting the transport fare on that first day may also have made him decided to see how far she goes in her portrayal of herself as an independent minded person. Some men actually react that way. Once a woman makes the mistake of rejecting their gifts, they either stop out of fear of being rejected again or simply to see how far she can go.

It could be fear of being rejected again. The ego of the average man cannot withstand rejection and once their kind hearted gesture towards the woman in their life is rejected by her, they simply crawl back into their shell until she begins a fresh request through pleas for him to come out.

Again the man too may think she rejected the money on account of it not being enough. Many meanings can be read into that gesture of her by a man questing for an excuse not to do certain things. There is also the possibility that he is not a gift buying man especially if he grew up in a home where such expressions are scarce or never happened. Not everybody had the pleasure of growing up in a home where gifts were exchanged. This doesn’t make such a man stingy but merely doing things the way he was brought up.

When a woman meets this type of man, she should be the one to change him, not by nagging but by telling him lovely what his duties to his wife or girlfriend entails. Such a man cannot be condemned for his upbringing at all. A sensible woman requires wisdom and imagination to transform him from who he is to what he should be. It is a simple case of buying him gifts and showering him with love to get him to reciprocate.

Since they have agreed to marry, she should sit him down to discuss her fears. This is one issue she should not take into marriage. He has to understand her fears and be given an opportunity by her to explain his attitude towards money and gifts.

From the discussion, she would know whether it is an inherent part of him or one he developed towards her personally.

Whatever the case may be talking about it as honestly as possible will help them appreciate what they each have to invest to make their journey into marriage more relaxing and enjoyable.

On her part, this is the crossroad of reality and frank decisions. If at this point she is aware that she cannot cope with his total person, best she declines the offer of marriage to avoid creating more complex problems later in future. This is because though marriage is a product of sentimental feelings, it requires undiluted reality to engage in it and make it work well.

She must have the boldness to discuss all cloudy issues and not defer them with the hope of things improving with time. The tragedy of refusing to nip a problem in the bud is that it only worsens with the time. Any issue that a couple refuses to tackle before marriage will end up consuming the union because the matter will steadily progress in a nightmare for the couple.

Finally, she should also, from this early beginning commit this relationship into the hands of God since He is the only one with the right key to a successful marriage.

Good luck.

My Skirt Hangs Between Two Loving Guys

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the good job you are doing.

I am 22 years of age, in a polytechnic. I am currently dating two men; one is 26 while the other is 30 years old.

I have being dating the latter since I finished my secondary school in 2006. I met the former guy when I gained admission into the polytechnic.

Agatha, the major challenge I have now is how to know who among the two of them are very caring.

However, the major problem I have with the latter who is 30 has to do with his educational qualification. He is a trader and sponsors my education.

The 26-year-old guy, though currently unemployed also cares for me but is always demanding for sex as against the other who has only asked once since we started dating in 2006.

Please help me, because I am confused.

Temitope.

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Dear Temitope,

Your problem is you. There is no way you can eat and still have your cake. Deep down you know who between these men that really care for you, the one who is ready to do anything for your happiness just as you know who isn’t really interested in you but want you for the pleasures of your body.

The issue is that you are not ready to go with the one who loves you but prefer the one who doesn’t. This is because you now feel superior to the one who truly has your interest at heart. The truth is that while you aren’t ashamed to use his money to improve your lot in life, you are now ashamed of him because of the advantage his sponsorship of your education has offered.

The new guy represents your new image, that of an educated young woman who has the empowerment of education. To you now, this other man represents your past, a past you no longer want to identify with.

Unfortunately, that past is your heritage because whatever you are now is the sacrifice of the past. Granted you have the right to your life but it would be most unfair for you to ditch this guy after the sacrifice he has undertaken on your behalf. Deep down, do you think the 26-year-old guy would have looked your way if this other man hadn’t polished you up to your present level?

Deep down in your raw form, would this man have looked your way twice? It takes more than feelings to be happy in life. Only the man who doesn’t mind the ugliness and imperfections of a woman in her natural form is the one who really cares about her and not the one who sees her perfect finished image.

The older man saw you when you were nobody, had no future, raw in every form yet generated the interest to sponsor your education. Not that he won’t survive the emotional pains if you leave him now but the truth is that he would not find the type of peace, support, love and care you found with him in any other man? What he has done for you couldn’t have been without caution from friends who from time to time must have sounded the alarm of you leaving him at graduation.

That he ignored them to continue to support you to be happy is more than enough for a sensible woman to know that this type of love is unconditional more so since he is also willing to wait for the pleasures of your body. If since meeting you he has only demanded it once, also underlines the fact that this man has tremendous respect for you and his primary desire for you is to be happy.

Although you reserve the final right to your decision, I caution against allowing the brightness of the fake light blind you to the reality of the situation you are in. A man, who takes pleasure often in your body, cannot mean well for you. Who among them do you think would stand by you should the unexpected happens?

Your older boyfriend maybe a trader, but has demonstrated his ability to care and help you grow.

And if his status bothers you so much, true love demands you make suggestions as to how he can improve himself. Besides, it isn’t the quality of certificate a man or woman parades that make them successful partners rather, it is the person whom he or she is.

Make your choice with the fear of God as well as all the honesty the situation deserves.

Good luck.

My Dream Girl Is Cute But 14

Dear Agatha,

You may see me as a cradle robber but I am not. I am in love with a girl, who is in Senior Secondary class one. I am 25 to her 14 years of age.

Although I don't intend to marry her now, I desire a relationship with her. However, my worry is that she still has far to go in terms of completing her education and to be ready for marriage.

I need your advice as a mother. She is all I need in a woman. She is God fearing, caring, respectful and I intend to show her love forever.

I really want to know if my feeling for her and waiting would amount to exercise in futility at the end of the day.

I am confused as to my next step of action. Should I wait until she turns 18 before telling her about my love for her or should I tell her now and wait till she turns 18 so that she can make the right decision?

Please, I need your motherly advice. I want to point out that what attracted me to her is her sense of maturity. I initially thought she was about 20 years of age. In addition, she is very pretty.

Chy.

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Dear Chy,

Allow her be. She is still too young to carry the burden of your feelings for her. Telling her about how you feel at this tender age would only act as a distraction for her, particularly at this age when she is beginning to notice her body and feelings as a woman. She really needs her freedom to be young and free of any obligations to anybody.

This is her age of learning, the point in her life to dream and make plans for her future. Besides, she has to have the freedom to be a girl first before being a wife.

The way to handle this type of interest is to be a good friend to her family and to be her role model. Since you have the plans to marry her, provide her with a solid support base to keep her morality. Provide her with all the encouragements she needs to come out with flying colours in her studies by offering to help her in the grey areas of her subjects. Having gone through the process, make yourself a dependable resource person in the subjects you have a thorough knowledge of and which she is also studying.

Being a good friend will help her get to know you and come to her own conclusions about you without the burden of knowing you are in love with her. It will also give you further insight into her young mind to help you come to the final conclusions about her.

The danger of telling her about your love for her is that it could drive her away from you completely. But when she sees you as a big brother, she won’t have any inhibitions sharing her fears, dreams and interests with you.

Through this, you both are able to build a solid support base on which to anchor the foundation of your friendship from its neonatal stage. This support base is what offers couple the tool to mend disappointments, pains as well as other challenges of two people trying to make a life together.

As for the length of time it would take her to be ready, it is one of the sacrifices you must have to endure for falling in love with someone so young. Use the 11 years of advantage you have to invest in getting something meaningful for both of you. At 25, you also have a long way to go in terms of putting the right structures in place as a man. Marriage doesn’t just begin and end with a man finding the right woman. It takes a lot more efforts for him to be able to keep the woman happy.

Her age has given you the advantage of time, as pressures wouldn’t be coming from her end for you to marry her before you are ready as a man. As a matter of fact, by the time she is really ripe enough to put the pressures on you, you will be more than ready to care for whatever challenges that come from a man and woman being together.

Rather than waste time on the number of years it would take her, concentrate more efforts and building yourself as a man.

Look at your current level of achievements: are you satisfied with who and what you are? If given the choice to marry her today, are you in the position to adequately care for her and any child that would come thereafter?

The waiting won’t appear endless if you invest your time meaningfully on growing yourself even in terms of improving your educational status. In life, no matter how successful one is, there is always a next level to graduate to. It is that level you should aim while you wait for her to mature and be ready to accept or reject your proposal.

In waiting, you also have to factor in her needs and dreams as a young girl. How far are you willing to support this dream? And how much space can you give for her to be happy? In addition, how long are you willing to wait for her to grow before forcing your presence on her?

You must have answers to all these important questions because she would be interested in knowing when you finally open up to her. Furthermore, the parents would be interested in knowing too once they notice your unusual interest in their daughter.

At this early stage, you must be very clear about the qualities you really want in a woman. One thing is to think you know while it is another for you to be sure. Remember she is still growing and yet to manifest all her attributes as a woman. How much of these changes can your feelings for her withstand and endure? Do you think your feelings for her would be able to withstand this test of time?

All these are what you should properly plan out before you unveil your feelings for her.

Also, begin to pray towards your goal for her as well as the life you plan to have with her.

For now, restrict yourself to being a brother and friend to her because your current role in her life is to help her grow into a responsible young woman.

Good luck.

Despite My Family Stand, Can’t I Marry Her?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you so much for your advice. My reason for seeking your help again has to do with the issue of the rightness of man and woman of the same age getting married.

There is this lady whom I have been dating since 2007, whom I mentioned, if you recalled in my first letter to you.

The reason my family is now giving for refusing to support us is her age. According to members of my family, being of the same age with me, she has the tendency to outgrow me later in life. They are worried I might be forced to marry another woman should this happen. They therefore urged me to look for another lady who is between 19 and 20 years of age and forget this lady who will be 24 in October.

Please ma, is it impossible for me to still go ahead?

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

Once there is love and friendship in a relationship, anything is possible. Some men for the sake of love have married women who are older than them and are very comfortable and happy with the choices they made.

What is most important in a relationship is what the couple counts as being important and those things they don’t give much attention to.

The major issue here is what you feel about this girl? How much is your feelings for her worth? How desperate do you want her to be part of your life? Ultimately, relationship is a personal thing between the couple involved. No matter how deeply your parents love you, they can’t marry your spouse. You are the one going to marry and live with this woman for the rest of your life. You are the one who saw her, one who is knowledgeable about the qualities that make such a special woman in your life whereas prettier women go unnoticed and have no place in your life.

These are more enduring qualities you must focus on. Besides, the age of women looking older than their husbands, have since become extinct. Modern women are daily improving on their appearance and have since mastered the game of wearing their ages like under-wears.

If your parents have any other reasons against you marrying this woman, they should tell you because what they have given isn’t tenable at all. Won’t they be happier you married a woman your age than marry one older than you or one who may be younger than you but lacks the qualities that would keep you in the marriage permanently?

At any rate, they have the right to their opinion while the final decisions of what happens rest with you. At 26, you are old enough to know who will make you happy in life and the woman who best fits into your dreams. Once you have no reason to doubt her loyalty and able to take full charge of the relationship as the man, you have little or nothing to worry about.

Good luck.

My Pains After Our Family Friend Raped Me

Dear Agatha,

I need your help. I am an adult female who got married six months ago. I was sexually abused as a child at age 12 by a close family friend. I never told anybody not even my parents. Ever since, I have kept it within me.

Due to this, until I met my husband, I never had anybody friend because I felt the only interest of any man in a woman is to have sex with her.

I am now married and each time my husband wants to make love with me, I tense up. I have tried severally to put this feeling of sexual abuse behind me but can't. I just feel the same way about men. What can I do to forget it so I can enjoy lovemaking with my husband?

Your reply will be appreciated so much.

Blessing.

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Dear Blessing,

It is indeed a pity but the first step is to go back into your past. Go back to the scene of that incident. There is no way you can mend if you don’t have the courage to go back to the scene of the crime.

In your mind’s eyes, the scene has refused to go away. You feel betrayed by the very society who is supposed to help you. You lost confidence in friendship. It wasn’t just your body that was violated that day, your mind, trust as well as belief in every good thing the society stands for were violated along with your innocent mind.

Besides, you also feel dirty and secretly blame yourself for being responsible due to your inability to stop the brute that took away your innocence. These are all normal feelings for any woman who has gone through the horror of violation.

The major advantage of going back to that day is to help you put things in proper perspective. Do you think there was something you could have done to avoid it? Sincerely, no matter how many times you have blamed yourself since then, the man that raped you was a predator whose intent was unknown to you and hidden under the cover of friendship to successfully carry out his desire. Even if you had wanted to prevent it, at 12 you were too young and naïve to.

At that age, the law places you strictly under the protective custody of every adult around you including this man who took advantage of the situation to defile you. There was no way you could have avoided him at this age. Besides, you didn’t have the experience to read the signs of his lust for your innocent body. Your parents and all the other adults that were supposed to protect you weren’t there to help when this happened. So, pointless for you to hold on to guilt you had no power to prevent.

Stop blaming yourself and allow the guilt and sense of dirt you have bottled up inside of you ever since come out in the open by discussing it with your husband. Like I said, there was no way you could have prevented what happened.

Your husband has to know why you aren’t enjoying intimacy with him; he has the right to know to enable him know how to softly berth you into enjoying the act with him.

If you insist on dealing with this issue alone, it will eventually destroy your marriage because very soon your husband will begin to notice your lack of involvement in the act. When it happens it sets the stage for him too to begin to doubt your feelings for him and to ask questions about your loyalty. At this stage, it may be too late for you to try to get him to listen, because all the while he patiently waited for you to tell him why you seem not to like making love with him, you refused.

It is too late to do anything about the past, but everything can be done by you to change the present as well as the future.

The tragedy of holding on to this is, you keep yourself as victim of a situation caused by a man who has since forgotten all about it. The man who caused your pains is enjoying his life while you continue to give him the power to hurt you. I appreciate you will never forget the incident but it is also pointless to continue to give this man through what he did to you back then power to hurt and dictate the melody of your life. It is too much power to give to an individual over your life hence you must allow the love and tenderness of your husband replace this very bad memory from your mind. It is called the power of positive thinking.

Look at the extra qualities in your husband, the reasons you married him and how supportive despite your obvious lack of enthusiasm to him has been.

You need to know that not all men are brutes or want a woman for the pleasure of her body only. That your husband agreed to marry despite your seeming lack of warmth to him is an indication of the goodness in most men. This guy that violated you is an exception.

Discussing your past with your husband would not only thaw the tension inside of you but would also help both of you know move your relationship and marriage forward.

In addition, you must also appreciate that as a married woman, you have to understand the value of lovemaking in a marriage. The man who raped you had sex with you, pure simple lust. Telling your husband about this dark past will help him teach you the other side of the act; lovemaking, an experience you need to erase all the pains and memories of all these years.

It is also pertinent you read books about lovemaking. Being married it is within your rights to learn more about the subject to help your marriag7e going. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help when you have to. And if you live in Lagos, please don’t hesitate to visit our office at Block 5, Plot 7D Wempco Road, Ogba, Lagos, to see me.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

When the right one comes along, the whole world seems so beautiful, I like a lady that is very clean, beautiful, lovely, caring, God fearing, friendly and working class or into business for a relationship and eventually marriage.

Tribe is not a problem but would prefer a woman based in Lagos since I based in Lagos too.

I am 41 years old has never been married, tall, self-employed and a Christian.

Any interested woman should call or send SMS this 07059289199. I am of the opinion that makes a good wife or husband is not where they both met but what is in their heart. People are like water a level must always be found.

Austin.

He Loves, But Doesn’t Trust Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 26 years of age in love with a man who would be 29 this year. Our relationship is five years old. There is no questioning the fact that he loves me as much as I love him. He is equally caring.

But the problem is that he doesn’t trust me one bit. He believes that any boy or man that calls me on my phone is either my boyfriend or daddy.

Expectedly this is causing major hiccups in our relationship as he finds it extremely difficult to believe any word I say. He once told he finds it difficult to trust any woman because he considers women generally untrustworthy

Agatha, I have never cheated on him and will never do it. Tell me how to go about earning his trust and stop all these instances of misunderstanding between us.

Do you think he will marry me? If so, would the marriage last since he can’t trust any woman on this earth?

Queen.

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Dear Queen,

I am not a soothsayer, so I lack the power to say if he will marry you or not.

However, from his attitude towards you, it is clear there is an experience from his past which is making him unable to completely trust any woman again in his life.

This is what you should find out if you really desire this relationship because there is no way love and mistrust can exist side by side in a relationship. It is either he believes sufficiently in your person to accept everything about you or doesn’t.

Your first task is to go back into his past. Not just his relationships, but to his childhood. What type of relationship exists between his mother and him? If he classifies women as being generally untrustworthy, it means he doesn’t trust his mother as well. So, the problem goes beyond what you are looking at to something you cannot handle on your own without information from him or anyone close to him.

When a man finds it difficult to trust a woman, then there is a painful memory or incident in his past that is embossed and embedded in that part of his memory only he can reach. That memory has gathered so many cobwebs to the extent he thinks he has forgotten all about it but is unable to progress from the point of the incident.

Because it is a memory so etched in the deepest part of his heart and has erected blocks to make it harder to find, you have to learn to apply caution and wisdom to get him to talk about it. This is the time you must deploy all your feminine charms, prowess and tact to get him to talk about this incident.

Prepare for resistance and stubborn refusal to visit that incident. Don’t be deterred because it has nothing to do with you but as a result of inner struggle to open a very old wound he thought he had wrapped up nicely.

His reluctance would be more difficult to break if the issue has to do with his parents’ relationship. This sort of issue requires absolute patience so you must have plenty of it if you really love this man and hope to spend the rest of your life with him.

Frankly you are the one who has to do the most work in this relationship of getting him to learn to trust. So, are you prepared for the challenges of nursing a broken trust back to life? Mind you, a broken trust is the most important challenge in a relationship. Whereas a broken heart can be mended when true love flows in, trust takes more than love to mend. In his own way, he may indeed love you but without the concomitant trust to lay the right foundation, you may end up disappointed at the end of the day.

Whether it has to do with his family or former relationship, he needs your understanding as well as support to be able to heal properly. While it is not a case of you pretending to be who you are not, it is going out of your way to be nice so as to elicit his confidence.

The faith to allow the feelings that brought you both together sprout solid roots.

One way you can do this is by being absolutely open about your past, male friends, engagements as well as movements. Let every chapter in your life be opened for him to browse through anytime he wishes. Don’t wait for him to ask questions before giving him answers.

Refuse to be frustrated by his constant quest to know the identity of all your male callers. If possible give him the phone to talk to them if that is what would make his develop the right trust in your person.

Always have it at the back of your mind that whatever caused his insecurity in women cannot evaporate within days. It could take almost forever but if you learn how to be patient and considerate of his feelings, he will eventually forget all about the time of his pains.

Encourage and court his friendship because it is easier to trust a friend than a lover. So work on the quality of your friendship to help improve the quality of your relationship.

If you two are still having the problem of trust after five years of staying together, it shows that your relationship lacks the help of trust to pull it out of the point you started with.

The danger of all this is that in the last five years, the relationship has not grown beyond your starting point. It is dangerous for you in particular because this man hasn’t given you any solid commitment to anchor your desire to be with him for the rest of your life. Rather all he has done is to make you understand in very unmistakable terms that he doesn’t trust any woman including you.

I tell you, it isn’t going to be very easy getting him to change but if you are determined as well as have the ability to treat him like a baby, you will end up being happy eventually with him.

Good luck.