My Man Insists I get Pregnant Before Marrying Me

Dear Agatha,

After a long wait and search, I recently met a man I am interested in enough to contemplate marriage with. Although he isn’t my ideal man, but I have grown over the years, to be able to look beyond the physical appearance of a man, to what he is inside.

Honestly, in times past, I wouldn’t be caught dead with this man, let alone consider him as a husband, but like I said, a lot has happened to me in life. At 33, age isn’t exactly on my side and with majority of my friends already married; I have been forced to re-arrange my priority, with being finicky about the physical presentation of a man being the least.

Lets say, I have outgrown the age of illusion, and had transited to the age of reality; which is why his insistence I get pregnant before we fix a wedding date is driving the daggers into my heart. I have known him for only six months, and right from the beginning, he hasn’t hidden his desire to have me permanently in his life, considering that he too has stayed on the shelf for too long. He is in his early 40s.

I have tried to argue the point with him, but he insists he cannot afford the mistake of marrying without the woman first getting pregnant.

When I asked him about love, his declaration is that certain things are inexplicable, and that his desire for me to get pregnant has nothing to do with his feelings for me.

Agatha, having waited this long, I feel I deserve love. I can’t help this feeling that he isn’t really interested in me for myself, but only sees as an appropriate woman to, as well as someone to bear his children.

I am so confused. Some of my friends say there is nothing wrong in what he is asking of me, while others think it is wrong. Deep down, I don’t feel it is right too. I have never, ever planned to become pregnant before marriage.

What do I do? I am so confused. He wants us to get married as soon as I get pregnant. He is making me feel deep inside me that given my age, I don’t have a lot of choices, hence, must do as he says. Agatha, to be candid, what choices do I have at 33? Wouldn’t it be simpler to give in to his demands and get on with our married life? Like I said, I am so confused.

Ladun.

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Dear Ladun,

Being married is more than having children together, and one of the easiest things to achieve in a marriage is to make babies. Unfortunately, it takes a whole load of efforts to give those children the right foundation than it takes to bring them into the world. A lot of inputs are required to give those children a good life and keep them happy. Without a united home and happy parents, these children he is asking for will never have the type of life they deserve.

From the tone of your letter, it is obvious both of you are applying individual approach to an issue that requires joint inputs from both of you.

Why does he want you to get pregnant? Any particular reason? Still, take time out to listen to his reasons, no matter how vexatious his reasons may sound to you. Listening to him doesn’t automatically mean you are about to submit to his wishes, but it’s a way to demonstrate your willingness to subject every issue between you to discussions. In getting him to talk sincerely about it, you have to listen to his real reasons; understand the fears he isn’t saying out loud, as well as navigate things towards an amicable settlement.

Listening to him, offers you too, an opportunity to talk about your anger without getting angry; get him to listen to you without anger and stubbornness in his heart. Such discussion opens up to you a new way of getting issues resolved without suspicion, anger and stubbornness. This way, you are able to talk frankly about your own fears, especially. For instance, rather than fret silently over what would happen to the relationship should you be unable to conceive quickly, raise the scenario during your discuss with him.

The creed of a successful marriage is premised on honesty, wisdom, patience, tolerance and boldness. There is no way both of you would be able to make a good decision without first coming out with your fears, anger and frustrations.

You should be able to bring up the issue of love and friendship in this arrangement that appears to you to have been contracted by him primarily for baby making. Anger would only make him defensive, but dialogue will enable him talk sincerely about why he wants things done his way. Your cue as his wife to be, is to always find ways of ensuring you express those views that are potentially inimical to the growth of your relationship.

Let him understand your fears about the uncertainty of his proposition, that marriage isn’t about sampling the future, but about risks. Marriage is premised on promise (hope), something we don’t see, but which we belief in and are willing to take the risks to realise.

Asking you to have a baby is another way of telling you that he doesn’t belief in the promises he is making to you. Insisting you do it before he walks you down the aisle is asking you to perish any hope you might have built round his promises, and on the declaration of his intentions to spend the rest of his life with you. To do it his way, would risk causing yourself pains.

To help him understand your feelings about his insistence that you take in before he sets a date, ask him how he would feel, if you insist too that he shows you physical prove like his bank statement and property, as evidences of his ability to care for you and the children. Tell him that is what he is trying to make you do by telling you to get pregnant first. You have to find a subtle way of getting him to think beyond his world, his sentiments and reason with you. He has to see you as his woman, his proposed better half, and the marriage you are both planning, as one without guarantees of money back when things don’t work according to plan.

He has to know that marriage is finding a friend; one who supports and encourages his or partner to incredible heights. He has to know that a couple can be blessed with children, yet failed to find the happiness required to live together as two adults. He has to discover your strength as a woman, your uniqueness, as well as the necessity of spending the rest of his life with you. If you fight him on account of this, you would be like all the other women he has met in his life.

Sincerely, quarrelling with him would not change him; rather, it would only destroy whatever chances you both have of making this thing work between you.

You also have to make him see that you are a reasonable woman, one who is ready to meet him more than half way to make him happy. You have to point out that he has to learn to trust your past, just as you are willing to trust his, and that babies are not ordered like goods from the supermarket, but given by God as symbols of His love and trust.

However, if he insists, you have to make the ultimate choice of the many ifs attached to his demands. If after becoming pregnant something happens to the pregnancy after the wedding what are your chances with him? If in that event, you are unable to take in thereafter, what are the assurances he would not get another woman to give him what you cannot give? Importantly, do you think he has what it takes to endure the unforeseen circumstances like you being childless for instance?

Besides, there is the issue of compatibility in terms of having the right temperament and attitude. From what you know of him, is he responsible, respectful, selfless, understanding, compassionate, understanding, caring, supportive, and, a friend?

Do you see yourself being able to live with the person he is throughout your life? These are concerns more important than the issue of babies. Without you two being able to achieve uniformity in these areas, your marriage may not be able to survive the attendant storms. Where would that leave the children?

Whatever, some developments in or lives are God’s way of telling us to pray more and trust Him further. If God says he is yours, this storm would pass, but if He has other plans for you, despite what you consider the limitation of your age, the right man meant to give you the happiness that has eluded you all these years would come.

In matters of marriage, it is best to leave the decision to God.

Good luck.

From Dating To Marriage: Sex-free Relationship Speaks Morality

Dear Agatha,

I am actually an old man and probably do not personally need the good advice you give to people. However, your wonderful counsel to people on problems in relationship has always fascinated me. I found them helpful in my vocation as a counselor. I would like to thank you profoundly for the counsels you give. They impact on me, in spite of my ‘old age.’

There is, however, a recurring decimal in all the relationship problems involving ladies. The problem as I see it is that dating relationship is being mixed up with marriage relationship. In my capacity as a counselor on family issues and for youth, young single adults and parents, I have seen this mix-up as the underlying factor of most relationship problems.

My idea on this issue is that dating relationship is not a marriage relationship. Sexual intimacy is appropriate in a marriage relationship between a man and woman. Outside marriage, sexual intimacy is not acceptable. I am unequivocal about this statement regardless of the possibility of being termed archaic, given the permissiveness and perversion of our time. My licence is based on the fact that if we analyse the cases of ladies who write to you and similar columns in other newspapers and those who use my free services to seek counsel on their relationship problems as statistics, we can safely say that close to 80 percent of them are in relationship where they started having sexual intimacy with those they are dating. In each of the cases, I see the cart before the horse instead of the horse before the cart. No reasonable man worthy of a reasonable woman’s hand in marriage would marry a woman because of her sexual prowess. In all marriages resulting from sexual intimacy as its foundation, a woman has ended up with a man who is not worthy of her if she was forced into the sexual act. If she was not forced, then, you have “avis of identical plumage here.”

I would also like to state at the onset that when a relationship has shifted from dating to courtship, it is still not appropriate to indulge in sexual intimacies. In fact, engagement is not a licence for sexual intimacy with a man or a woman. The only licence for sexual intimacy with the opposite sex is Marriage. In this day and age, I would counsel that marriage should be according to marriage ordinance (law), legal marriage. I state this, hoping it is sounding strong enough because engagements have been broken off in the last minute. If during the course of building a relationship with the opposite sex one starts sexual intimacy and the relationship is called off, the only person whose loss may be manageable is the man. The woman loses completely and lives her life with a scar that hurts and hunts, even when she pretends it doesn’t. The men do not go unscathed either. They live with the thoughts of it and spend their lives comparing their earlier sexual encounters with the sexual performance of their wives. My experience dealing with relationship problems show that the men suffer also but without knowing its source. “The rich also cry,” remember.

I don’t know how mothers forgot or stopped telling their daughters the well-known line “boys want sex, they play at love and girls want love and they play at sex.” In 90-plus percent of times when a boy/man say he loves a woman, he actually means ‘I want to have sexual intimacy with her.’ And when a girl/woman tries out their charm on a man, she is actually saying, ‘I need someone, the man she is targeting, to care for me.’

The value of sexual intimacy in a relationship is either over-emphasised or wrongly emphasised or both. Sexual intimacy is an integral part of the man-woman relationship. It is, however, not the foundation. All relationships between men and women when founded upon sexual intimacy must crumble regardless of how far it was taken to: dating, courtship, engagement or marriage. This is the bedrock of almost all relationship challenges faced by mankind. Such a relationship could be likened to a drunk driver who is “an accident looking for where to happen.” Remember the house built by the foolish man on a pack of sand when the rains came, the wind blew, and the house came crumbling down.

We must have heard about people seeking counsel or dissolution of their marriages in six months or less. This is common in a sexual intimacy laden relationship that leads to marriage.

The foundation for lasting relationships that lead to growing marriage relationships are friendship, mutual respect, honour, faith in God and faith in one another, clarity of purpose, integrity and virtue.

Find a relationship that has endured and you will find these elements at its foundation. Find a relationship that has collapsed and you’ll find that these virtues were lacking or were not strengthened over time. Those men/women relationships that are still there that lack these elements are one of the hundreds of millions of marriage relationships that are mere caricature of the real thing. Many involved confess being trapped, confused, and running high-blood pressure. It takes a lifetime to sustain the marriage relationships that are well founded.

Most relationships are hanging on because children are involved, or the partners are afraid of what people would say or being seen as failures.

Dear Agatha, I would like to support your cause by suggesting that you be upfront with our female folks and let them know that the evil of premarital sex is not a mere religious jargon. It is a foundational issue for success in marriage relationships. Avoidance of premarital sex would enable ‘girls to get what they really want which is who would care for them.’

I cannot remember the name of the movie where I heard this quotation. I would use it anyway. “Love is one product you cannot sell by giving out sample.” The predominant mindset of the ladies, especially those who feel time is running out on them on account of age seem to be “give the man a ‘little booty’ if you want help them decide to marry you.” Nothing can be further from the truth. We have countless cases, but no one seem to be ready to learn from their past mistakes or the mistakes of their peers. If you give a man a little booty, if you allow a man who has not signed the dotted lines before your Church or the Law (Registry) and your parents to see your nakedness or have sexual intimacy with you, you reduce the chance that he will marry you by 90 percent. That is a big risk to run if you ask me. At the same time, you erode the elements of mutual respect, trust, faith, honour and virtue by 100 percent, meaning: if he ultimately marries you, there would be no strength in the foundation of that marriage to produce happiness and make it endure.

There is a higher doctrine of marriage the world needs to seriously be, considering at this time. This is the eternal dimension of marriage. The popular thing known to man is “till death do us part.” Marriage is part of the eternal plan of God for His children. If we plan marriages on ‘till death do us part’ basis, we increase the chance of failure and heartache. But if we plan marriage with a vision of the eternal relationship in mind, we would make the foundation sure before hand.

Sexual intimacy, no matter how thrilling, has no capacity to sustain a relationship beyond ‘one hour.’ I want to be quoted on this. I want to be proven wrong on this with evidence too.

The late Lucky Dube cried “my mother didn’t tell me the truth; my father didn’t tell me the truth…about the government.”

Dear Agatha, please tell mothers to tell their daughters the truth. Tell fathers to tell their sons the truth. Let fathers tell their sons the reason why they have no respect or why they have great respect for their mothers. Let them open up as to why they are not happy in their marriages to their sons’ mothers.

Mothers, instead of telling your daughters to “deal” with men because you suffered in their hands as a result of your mistakes, help them to stop ruining their lives. My people have a proverb that says, “The sheep is messing its tail up, thinking it is messing up the shed for its owner.” When premarital sex is involved in a relationship it is the girls/women who lose the most whether it continued into marriage or failed. The men always get what they want, ‘sex’ and the girls always lose what they really want, ‘love’ (care).

Sexual intimacy outside the bond of marriage is immorality. Dating is not a licence for sexual intimacy. Ladies, protect yourselves. Cheers.

Francis O. Nmeribe is a Marriage and Relationship Counselor.
Email: nmeribefrancis@gmail.com

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Dear Francis,

Thank you so much for your rich words of wisdom and experience. I sincerely hope a lot of our young girls, especially, and parents go away with something precious from this article.

God bless you.

Agatha.

Her Poignant Body Odour Puts Me Off

Dear Agatha,

Please, I’ll appreciate any help to solve this problem I am having with my girlfriend. I am 32, when I started dating my girlfriend, she didn’t have body odour. But she has grown too fat and now has this poignant body odour. The odour is more pronounced when we make love. The odour is not from her skin but from her person, I am getting discouraged.

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

As the man in her life, have you told her about it? Chances are she may not have an idea of what is going on at all.

Encourage her to talk about it and see a doctor. It could be a fungi or bacteria infection that simple medication can cure. However, once she sees a doctor about it, the doctor would know precisely what to.

It also could be a simple thing of not washing her person properly and not paying special attention to the things she wears underneath.

Being fat, she may not be able to wash as clean and deep as she used to when she was slimmer. However, there are several ways of ensuring her person remains prime and healthy.

One of such ways is to get rid of pubic hair. The move would ensure the place is able to breathe and ensure the absence of hair trapping sweat or discharge beads. A lot of the time, odour comes from the sweat or discharge beads trapped in the hair on the pubic areas.

Apart from scrubbing the area twice a day, in the morning and night, she should invest in feminine wash and deodorant. Washing her person once in a while with freshly squeezed juice from lime is a good and effective way of keeping fresh. It is especially recommended immediately after the monthly flow when the discharge has a different character.

Encourage her to change her under-wears as often as she can if she isn’t particularly the clean type.

Whatever the problem is, a visit to the doctor would tell what your should be.

Whatever the doctor comes up with, she needs your support and love. Leaving her now would only worsen the matter.

Good luck.

Hope Irregular Monthly Flow Means No Threat?

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I thank you so much for your pieces of advice that have been solving problems of so many people. I gain a lot from reading your column. I have this problem that has been bothering me a lot.

It concerns my menstrual cycle. I started having my period six years ago. I started with five days before it dropped to three days suddenly.

I didn’t bother at the change in the number of days at the time because I assumed it was normal.

It was last year when I read your column on ovulation that I decided to go for a medical test concerning my irregular flow. When the results came out it showed I have what the doctor called "candiasis."

He prescribed some drugs that I promptly took. Despite completing the treatment, my flow has pegged at two days. I went for another text only to be told I still have candiasis.

My question now is if there is anything to worry about since my flow has remained consistent and constant every month? I really need your help on what steps to follow because I don’t want any problems with my reproductive health in future.

Ngozi.

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Dear Ngozi,

Even from experience I know that the number of days a woman flows has nothing to do with her fertility, I still suggest you go back to the doctor for further treatment. It is important you deal with this issue once and for all.

Your doctor should be able to tell you how this condition would affect you and the likely reasons it is has refused to be cured by the prescribed drugs. Sincerely, he is in the best position to give the type of assurances you require of me because I am not a medical doctor. The doctor has your medical history as well as the knowledge of what to look for and the drugs to use to alleviate the situation.

However, if you are not satisfied you have a right to a second and even third opinion provided you have the patience and time to invest in ensuring you get the answers you are looking for.

Go to a government hospital nearest to you. Despite the problems with our health sector, government hospitals still parade the best and most competent of the country’s best medical professionals.

Good luck.

What Causes Lost Of Virginity Without Blood?

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column and I have this problem that has been bothering me for quite a while now.

For over five years now I have been suffering from a whitish and offensive discharge from my private part. It causes me to itch terribly. I have been taking treatments from three different drugstores. Once I commence treatment, it would disappear for a month or two only to resurface after.

Secondly, I was a virgin when my fiancé deflowered me at 26.

To my greatest shame and surprise there was that no blood flow to indicate I was still a virgin as at the time he deflowered me.

I suspect that the whitish flow from my vagina may be responsible.

If not please tell me what to do concerning the whitish flow and the cause of no blood flow when I was deflowered.

Rossy.

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Dear Rossy,

Five years of living with an offensive, itchy discharge from your virginal and all you do is to go to drugstores for treatment?

What would it cost you to seek proper medical help from the hospital? What do you know is wrong with you? What types of drugs are you taking? What are you being treated of by these pharmacists running the drugstores? How have you coped with the embarrassment of the uncontrolled itches as well as the offensive odour oozing from your body?

Do you realise the implication of this delay on your reproductive health? Do you know the extensive damage you are courting by your carelessness and apparent ignorance with which you are treating this condition? Do you realise you could end up becoming sterile as a result of delayed treatment?

Granted, it could have started like all other female itches but your refusal to seek proper medical attention for good five years may have complicated the situation.

Before anything can be done, urgently seek medical attention first to know what is wrong with you and the possibility of complications arising from late and proper treatment. The fact that the problem keeps recurring after taking the prescribed drugs should have alerted you to the presence of something beyond what an off the shelf virginal tablet or cream can handle.

A woman’s body due to its peculiar nature houses a lot of discharges. The particular time of the month dictates the type of discharges that flow from the virginal. These discharges neither itch nor give off offensive odour.

Once these discharges become offensive, it is an indication that something is wrong somewhere and that the woman should immediately see her doctor for proper diagnosis and treatment.

Frankly, your worry about the lack of blood spot at your initiation into womanhood is rather misplaced. This should not bother you as much as you finding a cure to your medical condition because sooner or later your fiancé would begin to question the state of your health and hygiene as a woman.

Once he begins to, chances of you two being together is doubtful especially if he doesn’t understand the nature of such discharges.

The issue of your personal hygiene is also important and could be another reason the discharges have refused to go. If you continue to wear the same pants you have used over the years even after getting the right kind of treatment, you will suffer a relapse because some of the bacteria that give rise to these conditions can survive tough weather conditions. This may explain the continued reoccurrence of the condition after it disappears for a month or two.

Once your treatment is complete, please change all your under-wears and preferably avoid nylon pants or tight fitting trousers. They discourage ventilation into the body, thereby encouraging the growth of bacteria or fungi infection in the private region of the body.

One personal habit you must also develop is to learn to soak your under-wears overnight in clean soapy water. If you live in a not very clean environment, iron them before wearing. It will help kill all the germs that may have survived the washing process.

On the issue of blood spot during your introduction to womanhood, not all women have the privilege of showing blood. A physically active woman can have her seal broken before her initiation. The seal covering a woman’s entrance is a delicate thin cover, which can easily break under the pressure of a strenuous exercise, insertion of tampons or the use of some of the virginal tablets that may have been recommended for you to cure your discharges.

However, an experienced man would know despite the absence of blood spot, from the tone of the woman’s body that she is a virgin. Her passage would still retain its tightness.

It is in your interest you go immediately to see a doctor and make sure you go to one that has the equipment to do a proper clinical examination of your body.

Good luck.

Hard For Him To Trust Me… Despite My Unbiased Love

Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate the way you attend to people’s problem. God will continue to bless you.

I am into a five-year-old relationship, which from every indication lacks trust on the part of my boyfriend. He doubts everything I say even when it is obvious I am telling him the truth. Right from the beginning he has always doubted me and I have never stopped complaining about it.

Since I met him, I have never looked at another man but he is forever suspecting me of double dating.

There is this guy who is my neighbour and friend. I introduced him to my boyfriend, so my association with him is not a secret thing.

Two years ago my boyfriend said somebody told him I was dating the guy. I took my time to explain every detail of my relationship with the other guy to him all over again and to avoid trouble between us, promised to discontinue my friendship with the other guy.

He accepted and we were happy again. Two months after, he started asking me about the guy again as if he heard something contrary to what I told him.

I have tried to know why the sudden questions, but he said he was just being curious.

After two weeks he came and still asked me of what I was doing with the same guy, I got so angry that I talked to him the way I have never done before. I also walked out on him. Since then he has not called me nor did I.

I decided not to call him to know what he was up to. Besides, I have always tried to please him even when it is not convenient for me.

Please did I make the right decision?

Mimi.

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Dear Mimi,

A relationship that lacks trust is akin to an animal without a skeletal frame. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship grows. Growing a relationship deficient in trust can be both tiresome and stressful because every innocent move is given a different type of interpretation that more often than not leaves the one being accused hurt and confused.

That he is constantly suspicious of you underlines a problem beyond you and your relationship with him. It also shows that in your five years together, you haven’t been able to reach him in that area where he obviously need help the most.

Relationship building doesn’t become perfect on account of the couple declaring their love for each other rather, it is only the beginning of a greater challenge of acting the love declared. It entails having a relationship with the person’s past history because without first dealing with the past, the present can never be perfect let alone have a future together.

What is the past of your man? What could be responsible for this problem that has made him so suspicious of you and causing you both so much unhappiness? Did you bother to find out from him since you noticed the problem?

And how have you sustained this suspicion? You may think you have done everything to please him but may be doing other things to further fuel and complicate things between you.

In the first place, by agreeing to discontinue your friendship with the other man, you unwittingly opened yourself up to be suspected. Promising to end that relationship on account of his insecurity gave him a weapon to be used by him when he feels like it. Such a promise made to one who is reasonable and trustful isn’t out of place for the sake of peace, but made to someone who is insecure and lives in perpetual fear of suspicion of his or her partner having an affair is like sentencing oneself to prison. He would never allow you made an independent choice of friends, even the female ones whom he would later come to accuse of you of using as fronts to have affairs outside him.

The truth is, by agreeing to his terms, you aren’t helping him get over the thorny issue of his insecurity. He has to be taught how to trust and to do that, he has to be reminded that life is generally a huge gamble. No right and profitable decision is ever made without sacrificing something precious. He has to learn to sacrifice his heart to help you make him happier and showcase the extent you can love him. Even if he was hurt terribly in the past by a woman, he has to give himself and you a chance to be happy by learning to trust all over again.

If he continues to hold himself prisoner of the past, he denies himself and any woman he entangles himself with the chance to be happy.

As an individual you have a right to your friends just as he has a right to his friends provided these associations are executed in the open. That you are in a relationship shouldn’t stop you from speaking to a man or being friends with your male neighbours, colleagues or classmates. You also cannot stop him from having female friends. What is important is the level of trust you have in each other. If he trusts you and you trust him, no felony has been committed by you being friends with this other man or he being friends with a female neighbour, colleague or school mate.

For a man or woman who is always mistrustful, no amount of sacrifices would always be enough to assuage his or her suspicions unless the partner is ready to relinquish every self-authority to please or for the sake of peace in the relationship.

It is either he learns to trust you and your words or forget about the relationship entirely. He has to make up his mind this early to let go of any disappointment he may have suffered from the past. He has to learn to trust you on your own merit. He has to learn to accept that whatever happened to him in the past, you are not to blame
hence must give you the freedom to make your mistakes just as you are willing to endure his own mistakes too.

However you must admit your own mistakes too. What have you been doing wrong in all these to keep his frustration on? Are you sure, you really don’t have any ulterior relationship with this other man beyond what you advertise? Beyond the issue of your relationship with this man, do you accord him his due respect as the head of the
relationship? Are you arrogant? Some of the things women think are unimportant turn out to be major issues that count with majority of men. So, it is essential you take time out to study him so as to know the things you must avoid when with him. Do you run an open relationship with him such that he knows where you are at a particular time, knows how you come about the clothes and things you wear? Do you value his opinion in other areas? What sorts of clothes do you wear? What sort of friends do you keep? These are some of the issues that may keep fueling his suspicions of you.

Sincerely, it is unfortunate that this is coming up after you both have invested five years into this relationship.

Frankly, it points at a flaw in the relationship because both of you should have been able to overcome this. He should by now have an idea of what you are capable of doing just as you should have developed the understanding and patience to handle him. That this problem has persisted shows that you have both been concentrating on the wrong values.

Whether you remain in this relationship or not, one issue is clear, learn to focus on important issues that can stand the test of time always. Having identified the problem early, you should have worked towards helping overcome it by making him open up to you on his past. The information would have informed you on how to help him build confidence in himself and you. It may not have been another girl who is responsible for his current state of mind. It could be his mother, aunty, sister or simply from hearing stories of other men. Unless you make the effort to know, you will never know where to begin from and what to say or do to bring him out of the shell of caution and suspicion he has build around himself.

For instance, if the problem were coming from his family, what you would say and do would be different from when it is coming from a former girlfriend.

Insecurity in men can be very difficult to manage but a woman who is sensible, applies her God given wisdom can handle the problem without allowing it affect the peace and progress of the relationship.

Overall, you require wisdom to handle this relationship should both of you decide to give it another trial. Use the knowledge of your five years together to help him overcome his mistrust for women generally. Above all, learn to pray for strength, direction and help from God always. Unless God is involved in our decisions, relying on our wisdom leaves us with regrets and pains.

Before deciding on what to do, take time out to talk to God. Ask if this man is His choice for you and tell Him to give you a sign you can quickly understand because God often time when He speaks through signs and situations we don’t understand. We count them as signs of problems instead of symbols of liberation from a mistake we are about to make.

Good luck.

No Money For Wedding Now…Her Family Can’t Wait

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for me to share this problem. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend since 2007. She has been of tremendous help. This is besides her being so kind, loving, understanding and faithful.

We are both 25 years of age and for now I don’t have enough money to marry her. Already the family is pressuring her to get married. Even though she has told her family I remain her only choice of a man and that it would be difficult for her to find another man who would love her as I do, they haven’t relented in their quest for her to get married. I am so confused. I don’t know whether to tell her to yield to the pressures of her parents or to wait for me.

Mikel.

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Dear Mikel,

Don’t make things difficult for her more than they already are by asking her to succumb to the pressures of her parents. Telling her parents you are the only man for her tells of the kind of love she has for you and the vote of confidence she has passed on your love for her.

The choice is not for you to make for her. She is the one who has to make the choice between what you both share and the fears of her parents.

Her parents are applying the pressure on her to marry out of a hidden fear that when you are finally ready to marry, you may not want to marry her on account of you two being of the same age.

Given the numerous instances of the disappointments that often end such relationships, her parents have every right to be apprehensive and their pressure is a way of protecting their daughter from what they see as an endless wait.

They don’t know you or how serious your desires for their daughter are. Besides, having swum repeatedly in the powerful tides of experience, they are also anxious about the uncertain clouds of the future. This is something that just happens that is often times not planned. From the blues it comes and hits hard at its target leaving that person with no time to think or make amends.

Love is something one doesn’t plan. It simply happens without one knowing the why or how. You must come out of the shadows to assure her parents that their daughter is your final bus stop and that no woman would ever be able to capture your heart from her.

You must also discuss your plans with them as well as give them an idea of when you would be ready to marry their daughter.

It is the only way they would stop pressurising her as well as give her the support and peace to wait for you. To be frank, as long as she is under their roof, they can manipulate, harass as well as intimidate her into submitting to their pressures. This is why you must take the bold step of meeting them and discussing your plans with them.

They must know you to have the confidence to trust in the decision of their daughter.

However, this decision comes with a greater responsibility and commitment than you already have with your girlfriend. Therefore, before you go to her parents, you must search your mind for true answers to your fears and reasons.

Is money the only reason you think you are not ready for marriage now? Would you marry her instantly if you have enough money? What about your psychological preparedness? Do you have what it takes to head a home, take responsibilities for another person’s life, be a father to a dependant child? Can you withstand the pressures of being married? Have you had enough of your freedom as a young adult? What about being of the same age? Have you in particular thought about it deeply and have come to the conclusions that no matter what, your love for her would eclipse any social problems that may come from being of the same age? Do you have the maturity it takes to live with a woman, to understand her behaviours or reasons for behaving in a particular way most of the time? Do you have what it takes to put up with her various mood swings especially at some odd times of the month when she becomes inexplicably irritated and refuse to be reasonable when at other times she would accept such situations without complaining? Do you have the peace of mind to care for her when she needs you to?

Beyond the issue of money are these challenges. A man could have all the money in the world to marry but if not ready psychologically for marriage’s brand of pressures and challenges, he would never make a good husband or father. More often than not this is where negative issues begin to build up in marriages, which if not properly handled cripple the marriage at the end of the day.

One of the first questions you should ask yourself and find answer to is, how much money do you need or would be enough to make you ready for marriage?

These are salient issues her parents are worried about and asking you to give them assurances for through the pressures on their daughter to give you up.

Telling her to go would only justify the position of her parents that you were never serious with her and that she was better off without you.

You may not be ready financially to embrace the commitment that marriage requires now but if you are honest and plan ahead, things would work out between the two of you.

Like her parents let her know what you are doing and what you have in place from time to time. Between you and your woman, you must be able to tell her the truth even if that truth may hurt her for sometime.

Once everybody is in the know, things would work well for both of you. Your planning period and her waiting for you to be ready must have a time frame. It is the lack of time frame that is the bother here. You must give her something reasonable time to tell her parents, sometime reassuring and encouraging to enable them give their daughter the much required peace of mind to wait for you to be ready.

You don’t ask a single and young woman to wait endlessly and expect her family to be happy. Unlike a man, Mother Nature isn’t so generous with a woman when it comes to her biology. If her waiting isn’t defined, it may affect a lot of things in her later life.

Your inability to resolve your inner conflict and prioritise is the issue not this woman or her parents.

Good luck.

Before My Quick Orgasm Sends Her Packing

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your help in my love life. Although my woman is not complaining, yet I don’t want to wait for her before doing something about the situation. Besides, I can perceive she isn’t happy with me.

Anytime I made love with her, I ejaculate within two minutes. Thereafter, it becomes a problem to get my manhood up again.

Sincerely, it is eating me up and very afraid of its consequences on our relationship. I don’t want to lose her. Please tell me what to do.

Anxious Man.

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Dear Anxious Man,

Have you always been like this or is it a recent development? If recent when did it start? How old are you? Is she your first experience?

Chances are if she is your first experience at lovemaking you may not have mastered the act of self-control to a stage where you can withhold orgasm for a while.

If this is the case, you will need the help of your woman as well as determination to stop yourself from having early ejaculations. The point is not to attempt a full achievement at one go rather your current time of two minutes can be extended to three and upwards in subsequent attempts. It is easier to hold back for a minute at the beginning of your self-training than to go for five minutes at once.

Another possible reason is masturbation. Chances are if you have always enjoyed and engaged in the act, you may have schooled your body to climax at a particular time after you achieve full erection.

Should this be the case, the problem has to do with how you have trained your body sexual endurance. It means you must begin all over again by learning how to make love with the pleasure of a woman in mind. This entails explaining your problem and the reason for it to your woman and engaging her help and understanding to get you off the habit.

While masturbation may have its fulfilling moments in the sexual life of an individual, the side effects are more likely to cause major problems later in life in a person’s drive to be happy with his or her partner. It may deprive a man, in particular, of his inability to enjoy full and satisfying sex with his woman.

Even in the best of situations, a man has to be very imaginative to be able to satisfy the average woman given that it takes more efforts on the part of a man to be able to get a woman to her optimum performance. A woman’s body is structured to have more stimulations than that of the man whose stimulations are often energised by his sights and imaginations. An average woman requires physical stimulation to be ready.

Next time you and your woman are making love, to help get her over the disappointment of your early orgasm, prepare her adequately through foreplay. Encourage her to take the lead as well as tell you her preferences. By enlisting her help from beginning gives her control of the situation as well as stimulate her desire to help make the act comfortable for you too. Only go into her when she is almost there so her time and your time would rhyme. This would stop the complaint from coming and give you plenty of time to adjust your ready time.

It would also address the issue of you losing her to someone else due to the advantage foreplay between couples have on their overall relationship. By turning your disadvantage to advantage, it would keep your relationship from falling flat on all account in the sense foreplay encourages couples to discuss their preferences. Such development is healthy for the relationship.

If all these are eliminated, chances are you may not be in the right psychological frame of mind to make love to a woman.

In most cases, once these conditions are removed the man would restore to his full strength.

However, if the problem is deeper and has been the norm, you may have to visit the doctor for proper medical examinations to pinpoint whatever the problem could be.

A perfect solution can only come from knowing how it all started. Do you drink or smoke? Are you having problems at the office, business or other related problems?

Whatever the problems are, try to keep them under check else you risk losing your woman. Most times, discussing your problems with one’s partner reduces the severity of the issue. This is the essence of having someone by your side, someone to share in your dreams as well as someone to cheer you up when the colours don’t look too bright.

The real challenge before you now is to ensure this woman by your side understands that you require her help in getting over this problem. Knowing that you consider her important enough in this matter would make her stay to fight on your side.

You also have to make the relationship attractive for her in other ways by being her best friend in all the other areas. Once she can trust you, know that she is a powerful force in your life, put her interest outside the inside and outside the bedroom first, and she would stay.

Another thing you must avoid and which could further cause problems for you is worry needlessly about what is happening to you. Some percentage of what you are currently facing may have its root on your constant worrying of it. Yes, you should worry but not to the point of habouring fear in your heart anytime you want to make love with your woman.

Sincerely, this in itself declines your performance. You must at all times have the boldness to face whatever issue without giving it power to submerge you.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I am 25 from the Eastern Nigeria. I am an Ordinary National Diploma holder in Mechanical Engineering. I need a girlfriend from the age of 18 and above from any part of the country for a serious relationship.

Interested lady should contact me on this phone number, 0803-678-5247.

Ikwueme Morris A.

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Dear Agatha,

Your website has helped so much. I want to use this opportunity to inquire if you can help me on this.

I am 23 and desirous of a relationship with a lady who preferably must come from the Eastern Nigeria. I really want this lady for marriage.

An interested lady can contact me through this email address, aarond_4real@yahoo.com or phone number: 0803-253-0554.

Dan.

My Old Husband Brutish, Sends Me Packing

Dear Agatha,

I was 17 when I was persuaded to marry a 37-year-old man because of the inability of my father to send me to school.

As a result, my father pressured me into early marriage to a man who presented himself as being God send.

A year after, I gave birth to his son and contrary to his promises to send me to school at the time he came for my hand in marriage, he refused.

In addition to his refusal, he began to maltreat me and after two years of living with him, he sent me back to my parents without my one-and-a half-year old baby.

This is my second year in my father’s house. What do I do?

Franka.

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Dear Franka,

What really transpired between your parents and the man on one hand and you and him on the other hand? Did your parents at any time use you as collateral to get money from the man? How much do you know about the conditions that led your parents pressurising you to marry the man? Why did they insist you marry a man 20 years older than you? Did you ever bother to find out why they wanted you to marry him beyond the issue of them not having the money to send you to school? What efforts did they make at reconciling the two of you and helping you get the baby?

Such pressures couldn’t have come from the blues without some money exchanging hands. Their inability to protest his treatment of yours as well as taking a child of one and a half years from you underscores the existence of some underground negotiations between your parents and husband, which you aren’t privy to.

If it were just a case of sending you to school alone, your parents would have been bold to confront him but if they have collected some money upfront, it would be difficult for them to protest his ill-treatment of yours.

What you should do now is to first ask your parents the terms of their agreement with this man. Beg them to tell you the whole truth since it would not only help you understand his behaviour towards you but help you move forward with the new choices you have to make.

The fact is, unless you have a clear understanding of why he behaved that way, it might be difficult for you to ever trust another man sufficiently to marry him. This is one point you have to stress to your parents who in the first place failed you.

Had your parents strived despite their financial limitations to live up to their responsibilities towards you, this man would have applied some measure of respect in handling you.

In addition, you could also have complicated issues between you and this man by your own inexperience. Being so young and in the circumstances you married, there is the tendency you must have put up certain behaviour he simply couldn’t tolerate or cope with. It is only expected that you would transfer your frustration at not being able to go to school like your peers, anger with your parents’ failure and disappointment at the age differences between you two. Being so young, you naturally regard him as being too old and your shame at being seen with him may have influenced you to behave in ways completely unacceptable to one older than you. As your husband, his position demands respect, loyalty and honour from you at all times irrespective of the conditions the marriage took place. Anything short of this would be interpreted as disrespect from not only him but also by people around him.

Being a lot older than you, he is bound to react violently to some attitudes you put up that appear to insult his age and position. And because of the way your family presented you to him, his anger may have also gone overboard.

Had your mother, in particular, educated you on your duties to your husband and your home, perhaps he wouldn’t have been so brutal in his reactions to you.

Having stayed away from him for two years, can you pinpoint your own contributions to the break-down of the union? Given another opportunity to either go back to him or remarry another man, what lessons did you take away from this experience? What are the things you would like to do differently? This is the point to start from. Knowing what were your own faults, would help you know how to make amends without bitterness and sense of self- righteousness.

Whether you like it or not, you both have a baby, so you cannot afford to remain bitter with him. You may be young in terms of age, but your experiences are not that of a young woman anymore for the simple reason you have been married and a mother to an innocent life. That child demands you bury your own bitterness and frustrations with life as well as the choices forced on you by your parents. One of your duties as the mother of that child is that he grows up without bitterness and sad memories.

Growing up completely without knowledge of you is capable of making him very bitter in future because only stories told him by a bitter and disappointed father would remain etched in his memory. For this reason, you have to make the effort at erasing some of the disappointments you encountered and that he also acquired while the marriage lasted. This is to enable both of you sit down to discuss the welfare and well-being of the baby.

Without both of you first clearing the debris of your joint pains, negotiating the happiness of that child would be difficult. As the mother, it behoves you to bury whatever pride you have and make peace with him.

Besides the baby, deep in your heart, do you feel anything for this man beyond regrets? Do you see yourself going back to him? If not, let your parents begin the move for the two of you to properly annul the marriage to give you the freedom to begin all over again.

However, your new beginning must feature the issue of self-empowerment to prevent you having to depend solely on a man to do everything for you.

Your parents owe you more than accommodation. If they cannot send you to school, they must be able to give you some money to begin any of the small businesses a lot of people are now going into. They must equip you with whatever they can afford to help you realise who you are in life.

You are their primary responsibility, not that of any man. They should begin the process of investing in a quality future for you and not offer you to the highest bidder to marry. However, you must begin to take responsibilities too for your life else you risk being hurt the more.

Good luck.

My Husband’s Cousin Wants To Break My Home

Dear Agatha,

I really don’t have evidence to establish the problem I am about to share with you, but my instincts have never failed me.

Late last year, my husband brought in one of his females cousins to stay with us. They are actually third cousins. According to him, she was having problems with her landlord who, without telling her, got a judgment against her for her eviction.

Not knowing where to go, she called my husband, who in turn called me to inform me about the incident. I didn’t know what to say because his family members have never hidden their dislike for me.

If I refuse, his mother in particular would come to insult me for trying to cause problem in the family. And being the matriarch of the family, her words were law. And this girl’s mother happens to be related to her.

Against my will, I allowed her to move into our home. From the very first day she moved in, I sensed trouble. I noticed she was unusually close to my husband, besides going in and out of her bedroom in her under wears.

Even though my husband pretended not to notice, I noticed and protested that for decency sake, she should always endeavour to cover herself around the house.

She told me point blank that my husband was used to seeing her nakedness, and that she did not understand why I am so set against it. I allowed it to pass for the sake of my marriage, but my daughter who is 12, told her that it wasn’t right for her to walk around naked in the house.

At first I didn’t make anything out of the two of them going to work and returning from work together, until a friend of mine draw my attention to their unusual closeness, and wondered how it could have been convenient for my husband, whose office is at Victoria Island, to drive all the way to Wharf, Apapa, everyday, to pick his supposed cousin.

She told me to be watchful and careful. When I tried to raise the issue with my husband, it earned me a beaten; something he has never done in our almost 13 years of marriage.

Sometimes, he goes into her room and stayed there for a long time discussing, even while aware that I am waiting for him in our bedroom.

When I am at home, the two of them always find the perfect excuse to go out and when I am not at home, my little boy tells me that aunty sits on daddy’s legs and feeds him.

I don’t know how to handle this at all. I don’t like quarrels and can’t stand a situation where my husband and I are living like cat and mouse.

In the last couple of months, he has hardly touched me, and anytime I make the move, he turns cold. I am so fed up. Please help me before I run mad. My friends and family think I should send the ‘cousin’ packing, but I fear for my life, because my husband has changed dramatically and what do I tell my mother-in-law? The only area he hasn’t changed is where his children are concerned. He still loves his children and would do anything for them.

Nifemi.

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Dear Nifemi,

Tell your mother-in-law the truth about what is happening between her son and her niece. No matter how difficult she is or resentful of you, no mother would encourage such relationship.

She doesn’t have to support you, but having the courage to confront her with the facts of the matter may change the situation in your home. If nothing, the lady would know that your sweet nature isn’t license for anybody to take you for granted. She is getting away with what she is doing because she senses you lack the guts to fight for your home.

This is the point you must try to invalidate. Your husband is now a married man and hence, must not be subject to the torture of seeing another woman’s naked body. Irrespective of whether or not she and your husband shared each other’s intimacy when they were growing up, let her know that you are not comfortable with the practice in your home, and would be grateful if she limits her nudity to her room.

Furthermore, point out the negative influence of her habit on your children. Tell her your daughter is approaching the difficult stage of her life, her most vulnerable years; the age she is easily influenced by negative things, and that you would appreciate she applies some discretion in the habits she displays around your daughter. This is also the point you should emphasis to your husband. By not making it appear your objection comes from your own unease, but as a result of the interest of his daughter, he is bound to listen because of his love for the children.

Get your daughter too to put pressures on her father to put his cousin under check.

Also you must use your children to break up their time together. For instance, instigate the children to demand he takes you and them for an outing on the weekends he is at home.

Using the children to fight your battle is to protect you from being beaten and save you the embarrassment of this cousin witnessing your humiliation. Although not a very good weapon, in your case, it is seems to be the only one you have, due to your timidity and fear of the negative changes in your husband.

Given your nature, you lack the guts to send her packing but between you and the children, her stay in your house can be made very uncomfortable so much so that she gets the picture that you all want her to leave.

Since she is using the advantage of having known your husband all her life to cause you discomfort in your home, beat her at her game by using the legality of your marriage to fight her. When she imprisons your husband in her room under the guise of having a conversation with him, go in there and sweetly demand to speak with him in the privacy of a room you would have redecorated and perfumed in his favourite scent. Get him interested in the set up by investing in the attires he likes you in.

I appreciate that some of these may appear humiliating but when you think of the ultimate goal of getting back the love of the man you love, it would be a small price to pay.

Take the game to his office by going there almost near to his closing time to invite him out to a dinner for two. If possible get someone to baby sit the children for the night and take him away for a naughty weekend. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to beg him to be with you if need be.

What is important is not giving the two of them time to be together. By refusing to do anything and politely accepting everything they throw at you, you unwittingly give up your home to her and desires.

Not being violent in nature isn’t the same thing as being lame and lacking in the will to make the difference in your home and life. The survival of any marriage is fuelled by determination. You must at all times be ready to fight for the survival of your marriage and protect it from intruders.

This is your life and marriage and whatever time, money, wisdom invested in making it work would at the end of the day pay off. Every thing is fair in war, so use your children and resources to ensure she doesn’t have access to your husband again.

Importantly, learn to pray. You have the powers to pray her out of your home if you so desire. It is a simple thing of going to God in prayers and asking Him to protect your marriage from every intruder.

Good luck.

My Children Make Annoyance Out Of My Anointing

Dear Agatha,

First I want to say you are doing something very different from others. I don’t have to tell you that you carry an anointing to do what you are doing. Don’t ever forget that God is using you through this medium to heal people. Also ignore those who don’t understand the task God has assigned for you and remain firm in the presence of His grace.

Isn’t it funny how we often think we have everything going, only to discover to our dismay that we are only a few steps away from doom’s day?

Being a successful pastor, I arrogantly arrogated to myself as having all the knowledge to deal with every situation. You don’t come with the type of anointing I have and not see things before they happen.

A lot of people marvel at my ability to tell them precisely what they are going through without them telling me anything. Perhaps, I got carried away or that God is simply telling me that no man is an island on his own.

Agatha, can you imagine my pains and dismay at the discovery that my teenage son and daughter are into smoking and drinking as well as all the other vices children brought up in a Christian home should not do?

Although they managed to conceal these habits from my wife, the school authority and I, they couldn’t keep it away from their 10 year old brother who in turn blew the lid.

All the while they had managed to keep him quiet over the incident until he got greedy and demanded for the latest I-pod, which the sister and brother refused to part with.

I didn’t react immediately when he came to inform me about it, instead I sneaked into their rooms for evidences. I found more than I bargained for. X-rated DVDs as well as other things carefully concealed under the rugs show their brother was right.

My most devastating moment came when I found out that my wife knew all about the issue but decided to keep the information from me for reasons she is now telling were to protect my ministry and image.

Tell me Agatha, what image do I have when my family is in shambles? I really don’t know how to handle this problem. I feel so abandoned and betrayed by everyone around me.

I find it even difficult to pray because I lack the peace of mind to do so.

This problem started in October last year and each time I get the leading to open up to someone, the spirit keeps leading me to you.

I need help because I have refused to discuss the issue with my children who after the initial attempt to point out the evil of their ways told me to my face that I made the choice to be a pastor and that I should give them the freedom to be whom they want to be.

My wife thinks I drove them to it because I am too rigid.

My whole life is crumbling right in under my nose and I seem incapable of doing anything about it.

Please help me.

Pastor Ade.

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Dear Pastor Ade,

Parenting is one of the most difficult assignments on earth. It is a responsibility that comes with so much pains, disappointments, and aches, but more often than not with so much joy in the end.

Looking back at your youthful days would help you understand why children are difficult. Looking also at your imperfections, the occasional slips, the selfish decisions you secretly take in your adult life would also give you a clear picture of the pains we daily cause our heavenly parents and how like we He wonders what else can He do to make us happy in His presence and choices for us.

There is no way you would make a headway with these children, if they keep seeing you as being too uncompromising in your ways and attitude. If we find it very easy to disappoint God despite his endless sacrifice and tolerance, you can imagine the absolute ease that comes with defying a rigid and difficult parent.

These children would simply ignore you and dare you to do your worst by adopting lifestyles guaranteed to aid you into an early grave.

When too many laws govern children you deny them the inherent freedom to develop and discover their own potentialities. Sometimes, it is always best to allow them learn their lessons through their own falls and experiences. By giving them the freedom to express themselves do not translate to giving them total freedom, but they have to be trusted to an extent.

Like you and I, when the situation becomes suffocating, we rebel against the government that treats us as sub-humans. We call it abuse of our fundamental human rights, isn’t it?

Then what do we do as parents? Build a maximum prison around our children, denying them their rights as human beings and refusing to recognise that right from their neo-natal days they were equipped with their complete lists, likes and dislikes? Also is the fact that our children are perfect reflections of us, way back then.

If you care to look and are honest about it, you will recognise yourself in your children. They have your DNA wired into them hence they help remind you of who you were back then, and how your parents must have felt too at the time.

Can you recognise the pains and agony of your parents in you now? What about hearing your own words in what your children are telling you now? Can you identify the attitude, stubbornness, the know-it-all of the young as well as daredevil look? Looks like a scene from a movie in which you acted the leading role of your yesteryears?

Yes, isn’t it? They are your exact specimens. You may not have smoked or drank alcoholics but you did things in consonance with your time that had similar consequences as what is in vogue among the youths now.

This is the time you must apply wisdom, sincerity, reality and friendship to help get your children back on the right track. Before you became a pastor, what were the things you did? Many of us had pasts that could make our children even in their worst states pass for saints. Their behaviour didn’t just creep into them. They are products of the society, a highly advanced one that has reduced the vastness of the world to a tiny dot. The result is a free-flow of an interchange of cultural values. With the average human mind wired to belief that everything on the other side is better than the local one, many of old values and customs are giving way to strange ones which means that today’s teenager is in danger of self-identification.

As a result of this, parenting must change to accept one clear fact that business of child discipline and upbringing cannot be done in the usual manner. Children of this generation are more exposed and aware of their surroundings as well as rights.

A parent who wants to make an impact now must be ready to be friends with them, dialogue and discuss all options. The days are long gone when parents forced their ways of life and opinion down the throats of the children.

Being friends with them doesn’t stop a parent from effecting discipline or drawing the lines. Friendship gets to listen better because it gives them a sense of importance in their affairs as well as the family.

Nobody likes to be ignored or forced into doing things in a particular way, so stop ignoring them they can bring down everything you have worked so passionately to build. It is not their reputation that is at stake but yours as well as all the dreams you have built round yourself and family.

They have nothing to protect and frankly don’t care if you perish as long as they are left to express themselves in the ways they have chosen. They have enough time to be sober but you don’t have the luxury of time on your side.

Therefore, you must find a way of getting through to them and the only person that can do that now is your wife, who from all indices still has a measure of their trust and respect.

Call her to help water down whatever offences they have charged you of. After all, even a criminal is entitled to fair hearing until proven guilty by a competent court of law. Don’t alienate yourself by fighting your wife give her enough time to voice your disappointment over her attitude and seeming betrayal. But now, you need her support to get them to come for a dialogue.

It would be in your interest to neither wear your disappointment on the face nor your pastoral righteousness. At that table, you are their father and not a pastor. Begin the discussion by sharing your own experiences with them, how your parents never understood you and how you naively thought them to be wicked and branded them enemies of your progress. This is to set the stage for them to relax and open up as well as to see you perhaps for the first time as a person, and not as a pastor.

They must be able to identify with the person who is inside of you to be able to trust you with their challenges, fears as well as desires to change. These they cannot do with the pastor because he is too rigid, Pontius, condemning, strict and generally unfriendly.

Once they are able to identify with the father inside the pastor, discipline becomes easier because respect would have been marketed and bought by the two combating sides.

This is the time for you to come down from the podium to practise some of those love and forgiveness you preach. You must stop shopping for blame in your wife, children or yourself, to make forgiveness and the peace talk very easy.

Your must take solace in the words of God that says, His thoughts towards us are good and not evil and his words would be a lamp to our feet.

What are God’s thoughts towards you and your family? They are perfect but to get there, you must apply His wisdom. Without your children and wife by your side, you have no ministry. Your home is your first ministry and the benchmark for others to grade you.

In friendship and love no weapon from the pit of hell can stand, but in anger and arrogance it will flourish.

There is no way you can pray because you are bitter against your wife and children, making your home a divided one. You, more than anyone else, know that the spirit of God cannot stay in a place enveloped in disunity and hatred.

Give yourself the freedom to excel in your ministry by planting the seed of love, friendship, tolerance, understanding, patience, wisdom and peace in your home.

Don’t worry they will overcome these habits with good management from you and your wife. Just continue to trust God and His ways.

Good luck.

He Blames My Stinking Private Part On Fatness

Dear Agatha,

I am 21 years of age and disturbed by what my boyfriend said about my private part, which said recently smells. According to him, being on the big side could be responsible for the situation. I am seriously getting scared of losing him. What can I do about the situation? He is the only one who has told me this.

I also wonder if he loves me.

Uju.

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Dear Uju,

This issue at hand has nothing to do with whether he loves you or not but that of your health and personal hygiene.

Rather than worry or debate his feelings towards you, it is important you go to a gynecologist first whose duty would be to examine you for any infections or illness that may be lurking in your body.

As a woman, you should be able to tell when you do not smell well. Granted that the female body goes through various stages during the month but an unpleasant smell is one an observant woman cannot miss.

One of the best ways to know if your body condition isn’t healthy is from the pants. When you pull off your pants, can you withstand the smell of it? Is it the spicy kind or the offensive pungent kind that smells like rotten fish?

Unlike the mouth odour where the person involved may not know, the offensive nature of the virginal odour is such that it cannot be missed.

Unless you aren’t truthful with yourself, you must be able to tell when something isn’t right with your body odour. If other men in your life haven’t said anything to you, it is only because they don’t have a stake in your well being. They are only out to get what they want from you in the heat of the moment.

This man must care for you sufficiently to risk his relationship with you by pointing out the obvious. Only a true friend can do what he has done. Lot of men rather than tell you what the problem is with you as a woman, would prefer a live-broadcast of it. Even if he doesn’t care for you in the special way you want him to, it is obvious he cares sufficiently for your happiness and reputation to have told you that. His motive would have been questionable if you had an audience but telling you privately showed that you couldn’t afford to ignore his complaints.

The presence of virginal odour could also come from bad hygiene on your part. If you are used to dirty habits and unwholesome hygiene, you really may not know if you smell or not. This is because your olfactory organs have been conditioned by unhealthy lifestyle to ignore offensive smells.

Once the doctor is able to eliminate the presence of any life-threatening medical condition, focus on your personal hygiene. Ask the doctors for some off the shelf feminine creams or tablets that designed to cure common feminine itches or odours. For starters, throw away all your current pants and under-wears. Invest on new ones and ensure these new ones get proper attention by way of maintenance. The best way to wash pants is to soak in warm soapy water overnight. This procedure ensures that the pants are clean when washed.

Dry in the open air to get rid of dampness from drying in enclosed places. It is also important you, from time to time, iron to further enhance their safety.

On your part, you must develop a thorough cleaning habit by scrubbing your person morning and night with sponge. Being big is not an excuse to encourage dirty habits. Stand in front of a mirror, lavishly dab a feminine hair removing cream on your pubic hair as well as the one under your armpit. Most times, pubic hair encourages the gathering of dirt. For instance, if not properly washed could trap in stubborn blood beads during the monthly flow, in the same way it collects all other flows from the inner virginal.

These collections of discharges turn offensive after a while due to lack of care and attention. However, there would be no place for these various fluid collections to stay if there is no hair in the pubic area to trap them in.

Thereafter, invest in a good feminine wash and deodorant specially designed for that region of the body. And when around the house and it is not that time of the month, you can go pant-less to enable air circulate through the body.

Another thing you can do is to invest on panty liners. They help keep your pants in perfect condition since they absorb all telltale discharges that could discolour the pants or give off unpleasant odours after a while.

The hair under your armpit too must go as it aid body odour. It is also in your interest to invest on a bath brush, preferably the one with long handles to help scrub your back in those areas where your hands cannot reach.

Since you are trying to evolve a sanitary lifestyle, ensure you bath twice a day, morning and night. And learn to pay attention to your special areas just as you must wipe after each use of the toilet. A woman must never be without tissue to wipe when she urinates.

Feminine hygiene is simply about going the extra mile.

If you are in Lagos please see me.

Good luck.