Hard For Him To Trust Me… Despite My Unbiased Love

Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate the way you attend to people’s problem. God will continue to bless you.

I am into a five-year-old relationship, which from every indication lacks trust on the part of my boyfriend. He doubts everything I say even when it is obvious I am telling him the truth. Right from the beginning he has always doubted me and I have never stopped complaining about it.

Since I met him, I have never looked at another man but he is forever suspecting me of double dating.

There is this guy who is my neighbour and friend. I introduced him to my boyfriend, so my association with him is not a secret thing.

Two years ago my boyfriend said somebody told him I was dating the guy. I took my time to explain every detail of my relationship with the other guy to him all over again and to avoid trouble between us, promised to discontinue my friendship with the other guy.

He accepted and we were happy again. Two months after, he started asking me about the guy again as if he heard something contrary to what I told him.

I have tried to know why the sudden questions, but he said he was just being curious.

After two weeks he came and still asked me of what I was doing with the same guy, I got so angry that I talked to him the way I have never done before. I also walked out on him. Since then he has not called me nor did I.

I decided not to call him to know what he was up to. Besides, I have always tried to please him even when it is not convenient for me.

Please did I make the right decision?

Mimi.

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Dear Mimi,

A relationship that lacks trust is akin to an animal without a skeletal frame. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship grows. Growing a relationship deficient in trust can be both tiresome and stressful because every innocent move is given a different type of interpretation that more often than not leaves the one being accused hurt and confused.

That he is constantly suspicious of you underlines a problem beyond you and your relationship with him. It also shows that in your five years together, you haven’t been able to reach him in that area where he obviously need help the most.

Relationship building doesn’t become perfect on account of the couple declaring their love for each other rather, it is only the beginning of a greater challenge of acting the love declared. It entails having a relationship with the person’s past history because without first dealing with the past, the present can never be perfect let alone have a future together.

What is the past of your man? What could be responsible for this problem that has made him so suspicious of you and causing you both so much unhappiness? Did you bother to find out from him since you noticed the problem?

And how have you sustained this suspicion? You may think you have done everything to please him but may be doing other things to further fuel and complicate things between you.

In the first place, by agreeing to discontinue your friendship with the other man, you unwittingly opened yourself up to be suspected. Promising to end that relationship on account of his insecurity gave him a weapon to be used by him when he feels like it. Such a promise made to one who is reasonable and trustful isn’t out of place for the sake of peace, but made to someone who is insecure and lives in perpetual fear of suspicion of his or her partner having an affair is like sentencing oneself to prison. He would never allow you made an independent choice of friends, even the female ones whom he would later come to accuse of you of using as fronts to have affairs outside him.

The truth is, by agreeing to his terms, you aren’t helping him get over the thorny issue of his insecurity. He has to be taught how to trust and to do that, he has to be reminded that life is generally a huge gamble. No right and profitable decision is ever made without sacrificing something precious. He has to learn to sacrifice his heart to help you make him happier and showcase the extent you can love him. Even if he was hurt terribly in the past by a woman, he has to give himself and you a chance to be happy by learning to trust all over again.

If he continues to hold himself prisoner of the past, he denies himself and any woman he entangles himself with the chance to be happy.

As an individual you have a right to your friends just as he has a right to his friends provided these associations are executed in the open. That you are in a relationship shouldn’t stop you from speaking to a man or being friends with your male neighbours, colleagues or classmates. You also cannot stop him from having female friends. What is important is the level of trust you have in each other. If he trusts you and you trust him, no felony has been committed by you being friends with this other man or he being friends with a female neighbour, colleague or school mate.

For a man or woman who is always mistrustful, no amount of sacrifices would always be enough to assuage his or her suspicions unless the partner is ready to relinquish every self-authority to please or for the sake of peace in the relationship.

It is either he learns to trust you and your words or forget about the relationship entirely. He has to make up his mind this early to let go of any disappointment he may have suffered from the past. He has to learn to trust you on your own merit. He has to learn to accept that whatever happened to him in the past, you are not to blame
hence must give you the freedom to make your mistakes just as you are willing to endure his own mistakes too.

However you must admit your own mistakes too. What have you been doing wrong in all these to keep his frustration on? Are you sure, you really don’t have any ulterior relationship with this other man beyond what you advertise? Beyond the issue of your relationship with this man, do you accord him his due respect as the head of the
relationship? Are you arrogant? Some of the things women think are unimportant turn out to be major issues that count with majority of men. So, it is essential you take time out to study him so as to know the things you must avoid when with him. Do you run an open relationship with him such that he knows where you are at a particular time, knows how you come about the clothes and things you wear? Do you value his opinion in other areas? What sorts of clothes do you wear? What sort of friends do you keep? These are some of the issues that may keep fueling his suspicions of you.

Sincerely, it is unfortunate that this is coming up after you both have invested five years into this relationship.

Frankly, it points at a flaw in the relationship because both of you should have been able to overcome this. He should by now have an idea of what you are capable of doing just as you should have developed the understanding and patience to handle him. That this problem has persisted shows that you have both been concentrating on the wrong values.

Whether you remain in this relationship or not, one issue is clear, learn to focus on important issues that can stand the test of time always. Having identified the problem early, you should have worked towards helping overcome it by making him open up to you on his past. The information would have informed you on how to help him build confidence in himself and you. It may not have been another girl who is responsible for his current state of mind. It could be his mother, aunty, sister or simply from hearing stories of other men. Unless you make the effort to know, you will never know where to begin from and what to say or do to bring him out of the shell of caution and suspicion he has build around himself.

For instance, if the problem were coming from his family, what you would say and do would be different from when it is coming from a former girlfriend.

Insecurity in men can be very difficult to manage but a woman who is sensible, applies her God given wisdom can handle the problem without allowing it affect the peace and progress of the relationship.

Overall, you require wisdom to handle this relationship should both of you decide to give it another trial. Use the knowledge of your five years together to help him overcome his mistrust for women generally. Above all, learn to pray for strength, direction and help from God always. Unless God is involved in our decisions, relying on our wisdom leaves us with regrets and pains.

Before deciding on what to do, take time out to talk to God. Ask if this man is His choice for you and tell Him to give you a sign you can quickly understand because God often time when He speaks through signs and situations we don’t understand. We count them as signs of problems instead of symbols of liberation from a mistake we are about to make.

Good luck.

No Money For Wedding Now…Her Family Can’t Wait

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for me to share this problem. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend since 2007. She has been of tremendous help. This is besides her being so kind, loving, understanding and faithful.

We are both 25 years of age and for now I don’t have enough money to marry her. Already the family is pressuring her to get married. Even though she has told her family I remain her only choice of a man and that it would be difficult for her to find another man who would love her as I do, they haven’t relented in their quest for her to get married. I am so confused. I don’t know whether to tell her to yield to the pressures of her parents or to wait for me.

Mikel.

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Dear Mikel,

Don’t make things difficult for her more than they already are by asking her to succumb to the pressures of her parents. Telling her parents you are the only man for her tells of the kind of love she has for you and the vote of confidence she has passed on your love for her.

The choice is not for you to make for her. She is the one who has to make the choice between what you both share and the fears of her parents.

Her parents are applying the pressure on her to marry out of a hidden fear that when you are finally ready to marry, you may not want to marry her on account of you two being of the same age.

Given the numerous instances of the disappointments that often end such relationships, her parents have every right to be apprehensive and their pressure is a way of protecting their daughter from what they see as an endless wait.

They don’t know you or how serious your desires for their daughter are. Besides, having swum repeatedly in the powerful tides of experience, they are also anxious about the uncertain clouds of the future. This is something that just happens that is often times not planned. From the blues it comes and hits hard at its target leaving that person with no time to think or make amends.

Love is something one doesn’t plan. It simply happens without one knowing the why or how. You must come out of the shadows to assure her parents that their daughter is your final bus stop and that no woman would ever be able to capture your heart from her.

You must also discuss your plans with them as well as give them an idea of when you would be ready to marry their daughter.

It is the only way they would stop pressurising her as well as give her the support and peace to wait for you. To be frank, as long as she is under their roof, they can manipulate, harass as well as intimidate her into submitting to their pressures. This is why you must take the bold step of meeting them and discussing your plans with them.

They must know you to have the confidence to trust in the decision of their daughter.

However, this decision comes with a greater responsibility and commitment than you already have with your girlfriend. Therefore, before you go to her parents, you must search your mind for true answers to your fears and reasons.

Is money the only reason you think you are not ready for marriage now? Would you marry her instantly if you have enough money? What about your psychological preparedness? Do you have what it takes to head a home, take responsibilities for another person’s life, be a father to a dependant child? Can you withstand the pressures of being married? Have you had enough of your freedom as a young adult? What about being of the same age? Have you in particular thought about it deeply and have come to the conclusions that no matter what, your love for her would eclipse any social problems that may come from being of the same age? Do you have the maturity it takes to live with a woman, to understand her behaviours or reasons for behaving in a particular way most of the time? Do you have what it takes to put up with her various mood swings especially at some odd times of the month when she becomes inexplicably irritated and refuse to be reasonable when at other times she would accept such situations without complaining? Do you have the peace of mind to care for her when she needs you to?

Beyond the issue of money are these challenges. A man could have all the money in the world to marry but if not ready psychologically for marriage’s brand of pressures and challenges, he would never make a good husband or father. More often than not this is where negative issues begin to build up in marriages, which if not properly handled cripple the marriage at the end of the day.

One of the first questions you should ask yourself and find answer to is, how much money do you need or would be enough to make you ready for marriage?

These are salient issues her parents are worried about and asking you to give them assurances for through the pressures on their daughter to give you up.

Telling her to go would only justify the position of her parents that you were never serious with her and that she was better off without you.

You may not be ready financially to embrace the commitment that marriage requires now but if you are honest and plan ahead, things would work out between the two of you.

Like her parents let her know what you are doing and what you have in place from time to time. Between you and your woman, you must be able to tell her the truth even if that truth may hurt her for sometime.

Once everybody is in the know, things would work well for both of you. Your planning period and her waiting for you to be ready must have a time frame. It is the lack of time frame that is the bother here. You must give her something reasonable time to tell her parents, sometime reassuring and encouraging to enable them give their daughter the much required peace of mind to wait for you to be ready.

You don’t ask a single and young woman to wait endlessly and expect her family to be happy. Unlike a man, Mother Nature isn’t so generous with a woman when it comes to her biology. If her waiting isn’t defined, it may affect a lot of things in her later life.

Your inability to resolve your inner conflict and prioritise is the issue not this woman or her parents.

Good luck.

Before My Quick Orgasm Sends Her Packing

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your help in my love life. Although my woman is not complaining, yet I don’t want to wait for her before doing something about the situation. Besides, I can perceive she isn’t happy with me.

Anytime I made love with her, I ejaculate within two minutes. Thereafter, it becomes a problem to get my manhood up again.

Sincerely, it is eating me up and very afraid of its consequences on our relationship. I don’t want to lose her. Please tell me what to do.

Anxious Man.

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Dear Anxious Man,

Have you always been like this or is it a recent development? If recent when did it start? How old are you? Is she your first experience?

Chances are if she is your first experience at lovemaking you may not have mastered the act of self-control to a stage where you can withhold orgasm for a while.

If this is the case, you will need the help of your woman as well as determination to stop yourself from having early ejaculations. The point is not to attempt a full achievement at one go rather your current time of two minutes can be extended to three and upwards in subsequent attempts. It is easier to hold back for a minute at the beginning of your self-training than to go for five minutes at once.

Another possible reason is masturbation. Chances are if you have always enjoyed and engaged in the act, you may have schooled your body to climax at a particular time after you achieve full erection.

Should this be the case, the problem has to do with how you have trained your body sexual endurance. It means you must begin all over again by learning how to make love with the pleasure of a woman in mind. This entails explaining your problem and the reason for it to your woman and engaging her help and understanding to get you off the habit.

While masturbation may have its fulfilling moments in the sexual life of an individual, the side effects are more likely to cause major problems later in life in a person’s drive to be happy with his or her partner. It may deprive a man, in particular, of his inability to enjoy full and satisfying sex with his woman.

Even in the best of situations, a man has to be very imaginative to be able to satisfy the average woman given that it takes more efforts on the part of a man to be able to get a woman to her optimum performance. A woman’s body is structured to have more stimulations than that of the man whose stimulations are often energised by his sights and imaginations. An average woman requires physical stimulation to be ready.

Next time you and your woman are making love, to help get her over the disappointment of your early orgasm, prepare her adequately through foreplay. Encourage her to take the lead as well as tell you her preferences. By enlisting her help from beginning gives her control of the situation as well as stimulate her desire to help make the act comfortable for you too. Only go into her when she is almost there so her time and your time would rhyme. This would stop the complaint from coming and give you plenty of time to adjust your ready time.

It would also address the issue of you losing her to someone else due to the advantage foreplay between couples have on their overall relationship. By turning your disadvantage to advantage, it would keep your relationship from falling flat on all account in the sense foreplay encourages couples to discuss their preferences. Such development is healthy for the relationship.

If all these are eliminated, chances are you may not be in the right psychological frame of mind to make love to a woman.

In most cases, once these conditions are removed the man would restore to his full strength.

However, if the problem is deeper and has been the norm, you may have to visit the doctor for proper medical examinations to pinpoint whatever the problem could be.

A perfect solution can only come from knowing how it all started. Do you drink or smoke? Are you having problems at the office, business or other related problems?

Whatever the problems are, try to keep them under check else you risk losing your woman. Most times, discussing your problems with one’s partner reduces the severity of the issue. This is the essence of having someone by your side, someone to share in your dreams as well as someone to cheer you up when the colours don’t look too bright.

The real challenge before you now is to ensure this woman by your side understands that you require her help in getting over this problem. Knowing that you consider her important enough in this matter would make her stay to fight on your side.

You also have to make the relationship attractive for her in other ways by being her best friend in all the other areas. Once she can trust you, know that she is a powerful force in your life, put her interest outside the inside and outside the bedroom first, and she would stay.

Another thing you must avoid and which could further cause problems for you is worry needlessly about what is happening to you. Some percentage of what you are currently facing may have its root on your constant worrying of it. Yes, you should worry but not to the point of habouring fear in your heart anytime you want to make love with your woman.

Sincerely, this in itself declines your performance. You must at all times have the boldness to face whatever issue without giving it power to submerge you.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I am 25 from the Eastern Nigeria. I am an Ordinary National Diploma holder in Mechanical Engineering. I need a girlfriend from the age of 18 and above from any part of the country for a serious relationship.

Interested lady should contact me on this phone number, 0803-678-5247.

Ikwueme Morris A.

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Dear Agatha,

Your website has helped so much. I want to use this opportunity to inquire if you can help me on this.

I am 23 and desirous of a relationship with a lady who preferably must come from the Eastern Nigeria. I really want this lady for marriage.

An interested lady can contact me through this email address, aarond_4real@yahoo.com or phone number: 0803-253-0554.

Dan.

My Old Husband Brutish, Sends Me Packing

Dear Agatha,

I was 17 when I was persuaded to marry a 37-year-old man because of the inability of my father to send me to school.

As a result, my father pressured me into early marriage to a man who presented himself as being God send.

A year after, I gave birth to his son and contrary to his promises to send me to school at the time he came for my hand in marriage, he refused.

In addition to his refusal, he began to maltreat me and after two years of living with him, he sent me back to my parents without my one-and-a half-year old baby.

This is my second year in my father’s house. What do I do?

Franka.

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Dear Franka,

What really transpired between your parents and the man on one hand and you and him on the other hand? Did your parents at any time use you as collateral to get money from the man? How much do you know about the conditions that led your parents pressurising you to marry the man? Why did they insist you marry a man 20 years older than you? Did you ever bother to find out why they wanted you to marry him beyond the issue of them not having the money to send you to school? What efforts did they make at reconciling the two of you and helping you get the baby?

Such pressures couldn’t have come from the blues without some money exchanging hands. Their inability to protest his treatment of yours as well as taking a child of one and a half years from you underscores the existence of some underground negotiations between your parents and husband, which you aren’t privy to.

If it were just a case of sending you to school alone, your parents would have been bold to confront him but if they have collected some money upfront, it would be difficult for them to protest his ill-treatment of yours.

What you should do now is to first ask your parents the terms of their agreement with this man. Beg them to tell you the whole truth since it would not only help you understand his behaviour towards you but help you move forward with the new choices you have to make.

The fact is, unless you have a clear understanding of why he behaved that way, it might be difficult for you to ever trust another man sufficiently to marry him. This is one point you have to stress to your parents who in the first place failed you.

Had your parents strived despite their financial limitations to live up to their responsibilities towards you, this man would have applied some measure of respect in handling you.

In addition, you could also have complicated issues between you and this man by your own inexperience. Being so young and in the circumstances you married, there is the tendency you must have put up certain behaviour he simply couldn’t tolerate or cope with. It is only expected that you would transfer your frustration at not being able to go to school like your peers, anger with your parents’ failure and disappointment at the age differences between you two. Being so young, you naturally regard him as being too old and your shame at being seen with him may have influenced you to behave in ways completely unacceptable to one older than you. As your husband, his position demands respect, loyalty and honour from you at all times irrespective of the conditions the marriage took place. Anything short of this would be interpreted as disrespect from not only him but also by people around him.

Being a lot older than you, he is bound to react violently to some attitudes you put up that appear to insult his age and position. And because of the way your family presented you to him, his anger may have also gone overboard.

Had your mother, in particular, educated you on your duties to your husband and your home, perhaps he wouldn’t have been so brutal in his reactions to you.

Having stayed away from him for two years, can you pinpoint your own contributions to the break-down of the union? Given another opportunity to either go back to him or remarry another man, what lessons did you take away from this experience? What are the things you would like to do differently? This is the point to start from. Knowing what were your own faults, would help you know how to make amends without bitterness and sense of self- righteousness.

Whether you like it or not, you both have a baby, so you cannot afford to remain bitter with him. You may be young in terms of age, but your experiences are not that of a young woman anymore for the simple reason you have been married and a mother to an innocent life. That child demands you bury your own bitterness and frustrations with life as well as the choices forced on you by your parents. One of your duties as the mother of that child is that he grows up without bitterness and sad memories.

Growing up completely without knowledge of you is capable of making him very bitter in future because only stories told him by a bitter and disappointed father would remain etched in his memory. For this reason, you have to make the effort at erasing some of the disappointments you encountered and that he also acquired while the marriage lasted. This is to enable both of you sit down to discuss the welfare and well-being of the baby.

Without both of you first clearing the debris of your joint pains, negotiating the happiness of that child would be difficult. As the mother, it behoves you to bury whatever pride you have and make peace with him.

Besides the baby, deep in your heart, do you feel anything for this man beyond regrets? Do you see yourself going back to him? If not, let your parents begin the move for the two of you to properly annul the marriage to give you the freedom to begin all over again.

However, your new beginning must feature the issue of self-empowerment to prevent you having to depend solely on a man to do everything for you.

Your parents owe you more than accommodation. If they cannot send you to school, they must be able to give you some money to begin any of the small businesses a lot of people are now going into. They must equip you with whatever they can afford to help you realise who you are in life.

You are their primary responsibility, not that of any man. They should begin the process of investing in a quality future for you and not offer you to the highest bidder to marry. However, you must begin to take responsibilities too for your life else you risk being hurt the more.

Good luck.

My Husband’s Cousin Wants To Break My Home

Dear Agatha,

I really don’t have evidence to establish the problem I am about to share with you, but my instincts have never failed me.

Late last year, my husband brought in one of his females cousins to stay with us. They are actually third cousins. According to him, she was having problems with her landlord who, without telling her, got a judgment against her for her eviction.

Not knowing where to go, she called my husband, who in turn called me to inform me about the incident. I didn’t know what to say because his family members have never hidden their dislike for me.

If I refuse, his mother in particular would come to insult me for trying to cause problem in the family. And being the matriarch of the family, her words were law. And this girl’s mother happens to be related to her.

Against my will, I allowed her to move into our home. From the very first day she moved in, I sensed trouble. I noticed she was unusually close to my husband, besides going in and out of her bedroom in her under wears.

Even though my husband pretended not to notice, I noticed and protested that for decency sake, she should always endeavour to cover herself around the house.

She told me point blank that my husband was used to seeing her nakedness, and that she did not understand why I am so set against it. I allowed it to pass for the sake of my marriage, but my daughter who is 12, told her that it wasn’t right for her to walk around naked in the house.

At first I didn’t make anything out of the two of them going to work and returning from work together, until a friend of mine draw my attention to their unusual closeness, and wondered how it could have been convenient for my husband, whose office is at Victoria Island, to drive all the way to Wharf, Apapa, everyday, to pick his supposed cousin.

She told me to be watchful and careful. When I tried to raise the issue with my husband, it earned me a beaten; something he has never done in our almost 13 years of marriage.

Sometimes, he goes into her room and stayed there for a long time discussing, even while aware that I am waiting for him in our bedroom.

When I am at home, the two of them always find the perfect excuse to go out and when I am not at home, my little boy tells me that aunty sits on daddy’s legs and feeds him.

I don’t know how to handle this at all. I don’t like quarrels and can’t stand a situation where my husband and I are living like cat and mouse.

In the last couple of months, he has hardly touched me, and anytime I make the move, he turns cold. I am so fed up. Please help me before I run mad. My friends and family think I should send the ‘cousin’ packing, but I fear for my life, because my husband has changed dramatically and what do I tell my mother-in-law? The only area he hasn’t changed is where his children are concerned. He still loves his children and would do anything for them.

Nifemi.

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Dear Nifemi,

Tell your mother-in-law the truth about what is happening between her son and her niece. No matter how difficult she is or resentful of you, no mother would encourage such relationship.

She doesn’t have to support you, but having the courage to confront her with the facts of the matter may change the situation in your home. If nothing, the lady would know that your sweet nature isn’t license for anybody to take you for granted. She is getting away with what she is doing because she senses you lack the guts to fight for your home.

This is the point you must try to invalidate. Your husband is now a married man and hence, must not be subject to the torture of seeing another woman’s naked body. Irrespective of whether or not she and your husband shared each other’s intimacy when they were growing up, let her know that you are not comfortable with the practice in your home, and would be grateful if she limits her nudity to her room.

Furthermore, point out the negative influence of her habit on your children. Tell her your daughter is approaching the difficult stage of her life, her most vulnerable years; the age she is easily influenced by negative things, and that you would appreciate she applies some discretion in the habits she displays around your daughter. This is also the point you should emphasis to your husband. By not making it appear your objection comes from your own unease, but as a result of the interest of his daughter, he is bound to listen because of his love for the children.

Get your daughter too to put pressures on her father to put his cousin under check.

Also you must use your children to break up their time together. For instance, instigate the children to demand he takes you and them for an outing on the weekends he is at home.

Using the children to fight your battle is to protect you from being beaten and save you the embarrassment of this cousin witnessing your humiliation. Although not a very good weapon, in your case, it is seems to be the only one you have, due to your timidity and fear of the negative changes in your husband.

Given your nature, you lack the guts to send her packing but between you and the children, her stay in your house can be made very uncomfortable so much so that she gets the picture that you all want her to leave.

Since she is using the advantage of having known your husband all her life to cause you discomfort in your home, beat her at her game by using the legality of your marriage to fight her. When she imprisons your husband in her room under the guise of having a conversation with him, go in there and sweetly demand to speak with him in the privacy of a room you would have redecorated and perfumed in his favourite scent. Get him interested in the set up by investing in the attires he likes you in.

I appreciate that some of these may appear humiliating but when you think of the ultimate goal of getting back the love of the man you love, it would be a small price to pay.

Take the game to his office by going there almost near to his closing time to invite him out to a dinner for two. If possible get someone to baby sit the children for the night and take him away for a naughty weekend. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to beg him to be with you if need be.

What is important is not giving the two of them time to be together. By refusing to do anything and politely accepting everything they throw at you, you unwittingly give up your home to her and desires.

Not being violent in nature isn’t the same thing as being lame and lacking in the will to make the difference in your home and life. The survival of any marriage is fuelled by determination. You must at all times be ready to fight for the survival of your marriage and protect it from intruders.

This is your life and marriage and whatever time, money, wisdom invested in making it work would at the end of the day pay off. Every thing is fair in war, so use your children and resources to ensure she doesn’t have access to your husband again.

Importantly, learn to pray. You have the powers to pray her out of your home if you so desire. It is a simple thing of going to God in prayers and asking Him to protect your marriage from every intruder.

Good luck.

My Children Make Annoyance Out Of My Anointing

Dear Agatha,

First I want to say you are doing something very different from others. I don’t have to tell you that you carry an anointing to do what you are doing. Don’t ever forget that God is using you through this medium to heal people. Also ignore those who don’t understand the task God has assigned for you and remain firm in the presence of His grace.

Isn’t it funny how we often think we have everything going, only to discover to our dismay that we are only a few steps away from doom’s day?

Being a successful pastor, I arrogantly arrogated to myself as having all the knowledge to deal with every situation. You don’t come with the type of anointing I have and not see things before they happen.

A lot of people marvel at my ability to tell them precisely what they are going through without them telling me anything. Perhaps, I got carried away or that God is simply telling me that no man is an island on his own.

Agatha, can you imagine my pains and dismay at the discovery that my teenage son and daughter are into smoking and drinking as well as all the other vices children brought up in a Christian home should not do?

Although they managed to conceal these habits from my wife, the school authority and I, they couldn’t keep it away from their 10 year old brother who in turn blew the lid.

All the while they had managed to keep him quiet over the incident until he got greedy and demanded for the latest I-pod, which the sister and brother refused to part with.

I didn’t react immediately when he came to inform me about it, instead I sneaked into their rooms for evidences. I found more than I bargained for. X-rated DVDs as well as other things carefully concealed under the rugs show their brother was right.

My most devastating moment came when I found out that my wife knew all about the issue but decided to keep the information from me for reasons she is now telling were to protect my ministry and image.

Tell me Agatha, what image do I have when my family is in shambles? I really don’t know how to handle this problem. I feel so abandoned and betrayed by everyone around me.

I find it even difficult to pray because I lack the peace of mind to do so.

This problem started in October last year and each time I get the leading to open up to someone, the spirit keeps leading me to you.

I need help because I have refused to discuss the issue with my children who after the initial attempt to point out the evil of their ways told me to my face that I made the choice to be a pastor and that I should give them the freedom to be whom they want to be.

My wife thinks I drove them to it because I am too rigid.

My whole life is crumbling right in under my nose and I seem incapable of doing anything about it.

Please help me.

Pastor Ade.

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Dear Pastor Ade,

Parenting is one of the most difficult assignments on earth. It is a responsibility that comes with so much pains, disappointments, and aches, but more often than not with so much joy in the end.

Looking back at your youthful days would help you understand why children are difficult. Looking also at your imperfections, the occasional slips, the selfish decisions you secretly take in your adult life would also give you a clear picture of the pains we daily cause our heavenly parents and how like we He wonders what else can He do to make us happy in His presence and choices for us.

There is no way you would make a headway with these children, if they keep seeing you as being too uncompromising in your ways and attitude. If we find it very easy to disappoint God despite his endless sacrifice and tolerance, you can imagine the absolute ease that comes with defying a rigid and difficult parent.

These children would simply ignore you and dare you to do your worst by adopting lifestyles guaranteed to aid you into an early grave.

When too many laws govern children you deny them the inherent freedom to develop and discover their own potentialities. Sometimes, it is always best to allow them learn their lessons through their own falls and experiences. By giving them the freedom to express themselves do not translate to giving them total freedom, but they have to be trusted to an extent.

Like you and I, when the situation becomes suffocating, we rebel against the government that treats us as sub-humans. We call it abuse of our fundamental human rights, isn’t it?

Then what do we do as parents? Build a maximum prison around our children, denying them their rights as human beings and refusing to recognise that right from their neo-natal days they were equipped with their complete lists, likes and dislikes? Also is the fact that our children are perfect reflections of us, way back then.

If you care to look and are honest about it, you will recognise yourself in your children. They have your DNA wired into them hence they help remind you of who you were back then, and how your parents must have felt too at the time.

Can you recognise the pains and agony of your parents in you now? What about hearing your own words in what your children are telling you now? Can you identify the attitude, stubbornness, the know-it-all of the young as well as daredevil look? Looks like a scene from a movie in which you acted the leading role of your yesteryears?

Yes, isn’t it? They are your exact specimens. You may not have smoked or drank alcoholics but you did things in consonance with your time that had similar consequences as what is in vogue among the youths now.

This is the time you must apply wisdom, sincerity, reality and friendship to help get your children back on the right track. Before you became a pastor, what were the things you did? Many of us had pasts that could make our children even in their worst states pass for saints. Their behaviour didn’t just creep into them. They are products of the society, a highly advanced one that has reduced the vastness of the world to a tiny dot. The result is a free-flow of an interchange of cultural values. With the average human mind wired to belief that everything on the other side is better than the local one, many of old values and customs are giving way to strange ones which means that today’s teenager is in danger of self-identification.

As a result of this, parenting must change to accept one clear fact that business of child discipline and upbringing cannot be done in the usual manner. Children of this generation are more exposed and aware of their surroundings as well as rights.

A parent who wants to make an impact now must be ready to be friends with them, dialogue and discuss all options. The days are long gone when parents forced their ways of life and opinion down the throats of the children.

Being friends with them doesn’t stop a parent from effecting discipline or drawing the lines. Friendship gets to listen better because it gives them a sense of importance in their affairs as well as the family.

Nobody likes to be ignored or forced into doing things in a particular way, so stop ignoring them they can bring down everything you have worked so passionately to build. It is not their reputation that is at stake but yours as well as all the dreams you have built round yourself and family.

They have nothing to protect and frankly don’t care if you perish as long as they are left to express themselves in the ways they have chosen. They have enough time to be sober but you don’t have the luxury of time on your side.

Therefore, you must find a way of getting through to them and the only person that can do that now is your wife, who from all indices still has a measure of their trust and respect.

Call her to help water down whatever offences they have charged you of. After all, even a criminal is entitled to fair hearing until proven guilty by a competent court of law. Don’t alienate yourself by fighting your wife give her enough time to voice your disappointment over her attitude and seeming betrayal. But now, you need her support to get them to come for a dialogue.

It would be in your interest to neither wear your disappointment on the face nor your pastoral righteousness. At that table, you are their father and not a pastor. Begin the discussion by sharing your own experiences with them, how your parents never understood you and how you naively thought them to be wicked and branded them enemies of your progress. This is to set the stage for them to relax and open up as well as to see you perhaps for the first time as a person, and not as a pastor.

They must be able to identify with the person who is inside of you to be able to trust you with their challenges, fears as well as desires to change. These they cannot do with the pastor because he is too rigid, Pontius, condemning, strict and generally unfriendly.

Once they are able to identify with the father inside the pastor, discipline becomes easier because respect would have been marketed and bought by the two combating sides.

This is the time for you to come down from the podium to practise some of those love and forgiveness you preach. You must stop shopping for blame in your wife, children or yourself, to make forgiveness and the peace talk very easy.

Your must take solace in the words of God that says, His thoughts towards us are good and not evil and his words would be a lamp to our feet.

What are God’s thoughts towards you and your family? They are perfect but to get there, you must apply His wisdom. Without your children and wife by your side, you have no ministry. Your home is your first ministry and the benchmark for others to grade you.

In friendship and love no weapon from the pit of hell can stand, but in anger and arrogance it will flourish.

There is no way you can pray because you are bitter against your wife and children, making your home a divided one. You, more than anyone else, know that the spirit of God cannot stay in a place enveloped in disunity and hatred.

Give yourself the freedom to excel in your ministry by planting the seed of love, friendship, tolerance, understanding, patience, wisdom and peace in your home.

Don’t worry they will overcome these habits with good management from you and your wife. Just continue to trust God and His ways.

Good luck.

He Blames My Stinking Private Part On Fatness

Dear Agatha,

I am 21 years of age and disturbed by what my boyfriend said about my private part, which said recently smells. According to him, being on the big side could be responsible for the situation. I am seriously getting scared of losing him. What can I do about the situation? He is the only one who has told me this.

I also wonder if he loves me.

Uju.

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Dear Uju,

This issue at hand has nothing to do with whether he loves you or not but that of your health and personal hygiene.

Rather than worry or debate his feelings towards you, it is important you go to a gynecologist first whose duty would be to examine you for any infections or illness that may be lurking in your body.

As a woman, you should be able to tell when you do not smell well. Granted that the female body goes through various stages during the month but an unpleasant smell is one an observant woman cannot miss.

One of the best ways to know if your body condition isn’t healthy is from the pants. When you pull off your pants, can you withstand the smell of it? Is it the spicy kind or the offensive pungent kind that smells like rotten fish?

Unlike the mouth odour where the person involved may not know, the offensive nature of the virginal odour is such that it cannot be missed.

Unless you aren’t truthful with yourself, you must be able to tell when something isn’t right with your body odour. If other men in your life haven’t said anything to you, it is only because they don’t have a stake in your well being. They are only out to get what they want from you in the heat of the moment.

This man must care for you sufficiently to risk his relationship with you by pointing out the obvious. Only a true friend can do what he has done. Lot of men rather than tell you what the problem is with you as a woman, would prefer a live-broadcast of it. Even if he doesn’t care for you in the special way you want him to, it is obvious he cares sufficiently for your happiness and reputation to have told you that. His motive would have been questionable if you had an audience but telling you privately showed that you couldn’t afford to ignore his complaints.

The presence of virginal odour could also come from bad hygiene on your part. If you are used to dirty habits and unwholesome hygiene, you really may not know if you smell or not. This is because your olfactory organs have been conditioned by unhealthy lifestyle to ignore offensive smells.

Once the doctor is able to eliminate the presence of any life-threatening medical condition, focus on your personal hygiene. Ask the doctors for some off the shelf feminine creams or tablets that designed to cure common feminine itches or odours. For starters, throw away all your current pants and under-wears. Invest on new ones and ensure these new ones get proper attention by way of maintenance. The best way to wash pants is to soak in warm soapy water overnight. This procedure ensures that the pants are clean when washed.

Dry in the open air to get rid of dampness from drying in enclosed places. It is also important you, from time to time, iron to further enhance their safety.

On your part, you must develop a thorough cleaning habit by scrubbing your person morning and night with sponge. Being big is not an excuse to encourage dirty habits. Stand in front of a mirror, lavishly dab a feminine hair removing cream on your pubic hair as well as the one under your armpit. Most times, pubic hair encourages the gathering of dirt. For instance, if not properly washed could trap in stubborn blood beads during the monthly flow, in the same way it collects all other flows from the inner virginal.

These collections of discharges turn offensive after a while due to lack of care and attention. However, there would be no place for these various fluid collections to stay if there is no hair in the pubic area to trap them in.

Thereafter, invest in a good feminine wash and deodorant specially designed for that region of the body. And when around the house and it is not that time of the month, you can go pant-less to enable air circulate through the body.

Another thing you can do is to invest on panty liners. They help keep your pants in perfect condition since they absorb all telltale discharges that could discolour the pants or give off unpleasant odours after a while.

The hair under your armpit too must go as it aid body odour. It is also in your interest to invest on a bath brush, preferably the one with long handles to help scrub your back in those areas where your hands cannot reach.

Since you are trying to evolve a sanitary lifestyle, ensure you bath twice a day, morning and night. And learn to pay attention to your special areas just as you must wipe after each use of the toilet. A woman must never be without tissue to wipe when she urinates.

Feminine hygiene is simply about going the extra mile.

If you are in Lagos please see me.

Good luck.

Raped At Five, Am I Wrong Calling Myself Virgin?

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend is 22 while I am 19. Our relationship is still secret because of the disposition of my parents towards me having a relationship.

I consider myself a virgin because I haven’t had sex in my life, though I was raped at the age of five. I have told my boyfriend that I am a virgin and as a result would not submit myself to him until we marry. He is completely in agreement with me over this.

But I am afraid about how he would react if he finds out on our wedding night that I am not the virgin as I claimed.

Sophia.

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Dear Sophia,

You were raped at age five when you had little or nothing to say about what happened to you. You were innocent of the act hence should have told him the truth from the beginning. No decent man would have held you responsible for an act you were too young and innocent to know how it happened or what you could have done to prevent it.

Technically, you may be a virgin but in reality you are not. Whether you did it out of your volition or not, the fact that penetration took place means your seal has been broken.

However, not telling him has put the guilty verdict on you squarely. He would think your decision now is an after thought and may make the story of your rape at that early age difficult to accept as truth.

Besides, it calls to question your motive of keeping the issue from him. Was it really fear or something else? This is the explanation you have to provide him with. It also underscores your understanding of him and the trust you both have on each other vis-à-vis your relationship.

A relationship pampered with plenty of trust, understanding and friendship would not have difficulties dragging something as delicate as this from the cupboards. Having made up your minds to spend the rest of your lives together, this issue is one of the things you should have dealt with long before now.

There is no way someone or somebody close to you wouldn’t tell him about the ugly incident. Not necessarily to spite you but to help him understand whatever behaviours that incident may have brought upon you.

Besides, you may not know the extent of psychological damage to you since you are yet to experience sex with a man in your adult life. The consequences of violent sex often go beyond the injury sustained at the time. For some ladies, they never get over the memory of the incident for life. It takes the combined mercy of God and understanding of their men to help them get back to near normal life.

Before he finds out, tell him the whole truth and why you were afraid to tell him all along. Let him understand in clear terms your fears over telling him and why you think he might not be interested in you again.

If he leaves you on account of telling him the truth, it only means he never loved you and that he only wanted you because of your virginity.

Although it would hurt you but a man who cannot stand by you during your moment of trials isn’t worth your love.

This may be the text your relationship needs to firm up its foundation.

Even though you haven’t displayed enough trust in him in the first place, this incident would act the much-needed barometer to properly gauge his interest in you as well as the amount of confidence he has in your person.

If you wait until your wedding night to tell him the truth, it could torpedo your marital bliss because suspicion would have been created in his mind about the authenticity of your story.

Whatever your fears may be, it is both important and urgent you take him along because it takes a minute to trust or lost confidence in a person.

Good luck.

Homosexual: Ready To Sacrifice Me, His Baby, Our Wedding

Dear Agatha,

I’m 31, getting ready to marry my heartthrob at the end of this month. I’m already three months gone but to my horror I came to his house unexpectedly recently to meet him and his so-called best man in bed.

He actually told me he would be out of town for the next few days but I had forgotten my wallet containing all my ATM cards in his house so decided to get it before going for shopping that day.

They obviously didn’t hear me because I caught them right in the act.

To make the matter worse, I seem to be an outsider because he told me pointblank that he isn’t ready to give up his relationship with his partner. And that if I am not comfortable, I can call off the wedding and keep the child to myself as compensation for our relationship of three years. He said he would provide me with all the support I need to bring up the child in a very good and comfortable environment if I decide to end the relationship on account of what I witnessed.

Agatha, other women have female competitors, I have to deal with my boyfriend having a male friend, and one he is ready to give me up for.

I can’t ever get over the image of them together and there is no way I can ever give myself to him again but how do I explain my sudden change of mind to my family? How do I cope with being a single parent? At 31, where do I begin from again?

My chief bride’s suggests I abort the baby since it would be a sad reminder of a memory so abominable. My elder sister I told is also of the same view. She says it is best the pregnancy is terminated to end whatever unfortunate misadventure I had with this man.

Another thing I am so confused about is my feelings for him. He is actually the first man I fell for and would really love for a long time to come. I am right now so confused about everything. How do I explain to my parents about the cancellation of the marriage plans and the reason for it? How do I tell my father especially about the pregnancy? My mother is the only one who is aware of my state and didn’t say anything because my marriage is some few weeks away but now that I am canceling it, how do I handle my father if I decide not to abort? Should I decide to go for abortion can you recommend any good doctor for me because I am petrified by the problems I have to deal with in such a short time. We had our engagement ceremony in January. We decided to postpone the wedding date because his mother has been very sick.

Martha.

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Dear Martha,

This is tough. But one thing you must not do is to abort that child. Whatever happens between you and its father, you must do everything to protect the child you are carrying inside your womb. This child is a special gift from God and could be your only child.

Don’t visit the sin of the father on an innocent life, give it a chance to live and make you happy.

At 31, you aren’t too young to get pregnant and have a baby. Besides, it isn’t as if the paternity of the child is enmeshed in controversy. The father isn’t denying it. At the time you decided to get pregnant, your relationship was heading for the altar so your father or anybody can’t question your decision to get married. Besides, having done the traditional thing, under the native laws and customs you are married and simply waiting for the blessings of the church.

So, this child is legitimate. Besides, you still have its father to answer to. That your body houses the child doesn’t give you sole ownership or exclusive rights over it.

Even if you find the conduct of the father loathsome, he is still the father of your unborn baby hence has the same rights that you have. What do you tell him about the baby? Aborting that child would make you a worst monster than the man you are running away from. I don’t know of any doctor to recommend. In Nigeria, abortion is still illegal, only done when the life of the mother is threatened. I don’t support it because you would be snuffing life out of an innocent soul.

There is nothing to explain to your father beyond telling him that you are pregnant. He may not support you giving birth to your child in his house. Because the child belongs to its father as much as it belongs to you, insist he rents you a comfortable accommodation in a place far away from your friends and family members. Being away from prying eyes would make the pains of your disappointment more manageable and endurable for you. He could also get you a nanny to help you with the baby until you are able to get back to work.

Therefore, this is not the time for you to play the heroine, you need all the help you can get from him to care for this child. It would have been a different case if you started out with the intention of being a single mother but being forced into it requires you take advantage of all the assistance being offered you.

From this early, discuss what his responsibilities are to his child and what to expect as the child grows up. It would also be in the interest of both of you to discuss how you intend to have your future relationship especially concerning the welfare and care of the baby.

As for the scene you witnessed, it is unfortunate but you must strive to put it behind you and move on with whatever decision you eventually make concerning the future of your relationship with him. Once you have made the decision, both of you should decide on the excuse to give your friends and relations especially yours since his people may not know about his sexual preferences.

You need to be careful whom you tell the truth concerning the nature of your challenge with him, not for anything but your child. This matter calls for absolute wisdom. Yes, the truth is not negotiable but sometimes, silence can be golden. And this is the time for such discretion. The true nature of your story should be a family secret because it could also call to question the paternity of your child from mischievous people who don’t know the difference between pure gays and bisexuals.

Your story should be uniformed for people can identify with it. However, your parents have the right to be told the truth but have to support your wishes not to make it public.

It is natural for you to still feel love for him. There is no way you can extinguish the love you have for this man on the strength of what happened between the two of you.

It would take a long process for you to get over him if the choice is to end it. Don’t force it or allow the situation make you bitter and resentful about men generally.

I know the amount of pains you are going through now as well as the fear that the situation has generated inside of you. It won’t go away in a day or soon. Remember, this is just three years of something you planned to be permanent. You must have loved him deeply to make the decision to give him your remaining life.

Dwelling over what you witnessed would only cause you more pains. Like he said, regard this baby as compensation for everything you have been through with him. Invest all your love on ensuring the baby turns out right. Ensure whatever mistakes your man’s mother did with him, that you don’t do it to your child.

The God that sees the end from the beginning knows why the pregnancy came at the time it did. God is never one to plan things without a purpose. Just key into His purpose for you and you will be the happier for it in the end. Some women only get to discover what you chanced on after their marriages and have no choice but to endure the humiliation in silence. God planned it all to give you the chance to make up your mind about the choice you have to make.

As for you being able to begin again, your new beginning lies in the success you record in handling this challenge as well as your pending motherhood.

If you never had a relationship with God, this is the time for you to have one. Take your entire burden to Him in prayers and supplication because some of the things we regard as human beings as disappointments do turn out to be our strength and glory in the end.

There is no way you would have been happy in this arrangement. It is easier to fend your husband off a female lover. But how do you fight him over a male lover? How do you explain to your friends and family that your rival is your husband’s bestfriend, the bestman at your wedding?

In every situation, God says we should give Him all the glory. Yes, the emotional pains now may be unbearable but once you surrender yourself to the wishes of God, you will survive it all after a while.

One thing you must never forget is the fact that you don’t have the licence for this problem. The God that helped men and women who found themselves in your situation would also help you out in these your crucial hours of need.

Good luck

I’m Carrying Unwanted Pregnancy… Father Plans University Education

Dear Agatha,

I’m 19 years of age and pregnant for a man who has told me to keep the baby. But my problem is that my father wants me to have a university education. I’m the only child left out of his three children at home with him. My elder sister and brother are both married.

I am so confused.

Helpless Lady.

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Dear Helpless Lady,

Your father’s intentions and dreams for you are commendable. This is because he knows that the best legacy a parent can bequeath to a child is a good education. With a sound education, the sky becomes a stepping-stone and not the limit.

As a woman, there is no emphasising the essence of getting a premium education because gone are the days when women depended on their husbands for everything. Your education empowers you to be who you want to be without putting all the pressures on the man.

It also gives you a broader perspective with which to manage your home as well as ensure all your children get properly educated. It gives you the economical strength to prepare for the unexpected.

This is the wish of your father for you and one any sensible child desirous of quality life should key into.

Like every loving parent, your father doesn’t want you to suffer needlessly or live a life below God’s standards for you. His desire is to offer you protection against the very vice you have fallen into. His desires for you come from his experiences in life; his deeper knowledge of the future of the world and how one who isn’t educationally and economically equipped for it would find it so difficult to survive.

But you are now pregnant which means you have to wait until after the birth of the baby to pursue your own dreams in life. The danger of your situation is not being able to achieve your father’s dream for you if your man is the type that has no vision for himself let alone offering you the needed encouragement to further your own dreams.

Though you are still young at 19, your current situation has made you more matured than your age. This is an indication that you must stop thinking in terms of a distant future to the reality of your situation.

Your pregnancy has removed you from the protection and responsibility of your father, it has placed you strictly under the responsibility of the man whose baby you are carrying.

You lost the right to worry about your father’s feelings and desires for you the moment you agreed to sleep and get pregnant for a man you are not married to. You have made your choice in life and that is thinking about the well-being of the child inside of you, how to ensure the child doesn’t suffer from care and lack.

So that you don’t end up with more regrets later in life, you must begin from this early beginning to put proper structure in place for your economic dependence. To be frank with you, there is no way your man, unless he is very comfortable, can look after you and your baby adequately without some help from you.

You can therefore plead with your father to help set you in business. Though far from the type of life he has envisaged for you, it would at least ensure you have some economical comfort in life.

Get your sister and brother to plead on your behalf for some economical settlement because at 19, your future is still far away and requires some levels of assistance to help you get it off the ground.

Towards this, you must first tell your father about your state. Don’t expect him to be joyous over what you have done. He would, out of anger and disappointment, say things or behave out of character, just keep pleading with him to forgive you. Yes, it may be your life but if you think deeply, your decisions also affect those around you.

He would be particularly disappointed because of his high dreams for you but if you learn to be patient and able to endure his condemnation, you will be able to persuade him after a while to help establish you financially.

His disappointment would be minimised if the man who is responsible for putting you in the family way shows sufficient commitment towards you and the baby. Encourage the man to do the right thing by coming to see your father with his people. It is not enough telling you to keep the baby he must do what is expected to give your family the confidence and peace of mind to keep relating with you in love, confidence and respect.

Beyond asking you to keep the baby what other plans has he discussed with you? What do you know about this man? Is he married or single and have you met his family?

Although these concerns are belated, but still not out of place so you know what you are up against. It would also help inform your family the quality of help to offer you. The truth is in your state, you are not in any position to bargain with him. Whether you like it or not, some day, his child would return to him so he is the one that needs to handled with care because the moment you decided to sleep with him and have unprotected sex, you put yourself on the vulnerable line. Your current shame is yours alone to carry, not his. The pride of a woman and power she has over any man is her moral value. Had you protected your values jealously, you won’t be going through these challenges.

Whatever happens, hold on to your dreams; don’t ever negotiate it away no matter the issues confronting you today. It is very essential a woman has a life of her own, it is the only way she can be happy in the choices she has made. In addition, trust God and have faith in His decisions for you.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

I’m 29, living and working in Lagos. I need a girlfriend from 22 years of age, residing and working in Lagos to be my partner. I expect her to be somebody with team spirit, kind-hearted, and above it all, somebody whom I can share in her success, problem, and joy, just as she can share in mine too.

Interested lady can contact me on this line, 0803-935-1522

Vin.

Lacking Confidence To Bargain Lady’s Love

Dear Agatha,

I’m 25 years of age, very comfortable but my biggest problem is the lack of woman in my life. Never in my life have I dated a girl from morning till night. The girl a friend introduced to me, I don’t like. Besides, I don’t even know how to talk to her.

What do I do? Please help me.

AA.

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Dear AA,

First you have to identify the problem you have with women. Can you recall anything that could have turned you against women generally?

Was there anytime or any incident in your past that could induced this feeling of discomfort against women in you? A lot of the time, our attitudes towards people are things that come from our childhood experiences.

What was the relationship between you and all the women around you when you were growing up? Were you very close to your mother or was she the type of mother that constantly disapproved of anything you did, the kind that nagged and insisted that women were bad news for you?

Do you have any sisters? How can you describe your relationship with them? Are you close to them or did you all grow up in your different worlds, a world forced on you by your disapproving parents who think giving sisters and brothers the freedom to interact could spell doom?

Chances are that if you and your sisters didn’t have that close relationship, it could affect your relationship with other women because in your subconscious, every woman reminds you of your sisters and brings to fore all that childhood buried memories.

If this is the case, you must make a determined effort to let go of those memories with the sole aim of being happy in your life.

Childhood memories have the tendency of making or unmaking one in life especially those who aren’t psychologically strong enough to confront their past.

Your problem could also come from the experiences you had with your female colleagues or even your friends who may have done one or two things to make your confidence shaky. An unkind statement from your time past could have logged into your subconscious, refusing happiness in your life.

It could also come from a nasty rejection by one woman you really admire and whose memories have refused to vacate your mind. You may not know it but without you meaning to or able to explain it, you keep seeing her in all the women around you and this could definitely make you wary of getting close to a woman.

Can you identify precisely what could be affecting your current relationship with women?

Look inside of you for the answer and if it has to do with the fear every well to do man has over getting the right woman who loves him for who he is and not for the money he has, playing down on your affluence could help a great deal. But it would help you to have a mental image of the issue to enable you know how to deal with them.

And if it’s a case of natural shyness, all you have to do is to take each moment as it comes. A good smile can change a lot of things and also carry its own powerful message.

Quality communication between couples comes from a happy, honest and understanding heart. Don’t be afraid to let the lady you are interested in a preview of your life; it would help you a great deal if she understands the challenges you are having with women generally.

It would enable her know how and where to help you adjust appropriately in terms of you being happy as well as comfortable in the company of women.

Importantly, you must learn to relax in the company of a woman. Don’t try to impress or pretend to be who you are not. Be your natural self because the woman you try to impress would certainly leave you when she discovers that you are not exactly what you claim to be.

By being yourself, you give your girlfriend and relationship the chance to be happy.

So when next you see a girl you like, don’t allow whatever it is that is keeping you prisoner get the best of you. Rather, give in to the natural urge to be happy by giving her your best smile. I guarantee you, it works more than any word can achieve at a first meeting. This is because a smile from the heart communicates friendship, an offer not many can resist.

Good luck.