Hatred For His Family Dims Our Dream Love

Dear Agatha,

I hate my fiancÈ's family and that hatred is hampering our love. What should I do?

Worried Fiancee.

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Dear Worried FiancÈe,

Hate? I can identify with the word dislike. But to say you hate them? That is a very strong word to describe your feelings towards your would-be in-laws. Do you understand the import of the word hate at all? It means given the opportunity to kill any of them, you would! I am sure killing any of them isn't your intention.

You describe their son as your fiancÈ? Are you serious about marrying into this family? There is no way you can love their son and hate them (his family). You either learn to love them as you love their son or forget about marrying their son because you would eventually force your man to make the choice of choosing between you and his family.

Besides, whatever you hate about his family is also in him. You cannot divorce that thing from the person you claim to love. Your subconscious self is refusing to recognise that thing you hate so much about his family members because you love him.

This is because true love covers a multitude of sins, makes perfect that which is imperfect. Your love for this man has made him very perfect in your opinion. Therefore if you learn to love his family as much as you love him, whatever may be their fault, it would cease to matter to you.

Perfection is what true love brings into the lives of those it visits. You have it within your power to make this visitor permanent or exit your life the way it came. If you insist on loving only your man and hating his family, very soon you would find yourself all alone in the most distant corner of your husband's heart because the choice you will be forcing him to make would be one against his own identity and essence of being.

And when a man is forced to make the choice of his heart and his family, the woman in his life leaves him with very little choice but to follow the people he is familiar with, the people he grew up with, and known all his life.

Don't even make him think about this choice let alone make it because you would be the eventual loser.

Besides, if you love this man you would learn from this early beginning how to love everything about him. Just as your family is an integral part of you so also his family is important to him.

He lives in his family, just as you in yours.

A marriage doesn't strive on the interest of the two people involved only. It goes beyond them and extends to all the others involved.

There is no way your hatred would not affect your relationship because the feeling of love or hatred is powerful and can be felt by the person you have the feelings for. You risk not only destroying your relationship with this man but also creating severe problems for you later in your marriage.

No matter how deep your love for each other is now, a point would always come when you would need the support of someone in his family to kick-start your relationship with your man again.

Besides, having gone through the training of his family, you would always need an insider to give you valuable clues to his person, likes and dislikes.

You will always need help from within to keep him happy and by implication you too as well. You can only be said to enjoy your marriage if your partner is happy.

Besides, how would you feel if this man reciprocates your feelings for his family for yours? Would you be able to endure him loving you and hating your family at the same time? Would you be able to trust the person who claims to love you but finds it possible to hate those who are important to you? How would you feel?

What offence did his family commit to warrant your hatred for them? Look within your family, isn't it also guilty of the same crime? What about you, do you think you are perfect? How many times have you condemned your family for its shortcomings? How would you react if any of your brother's wives display this attitude you are putting up towards your own family?

If you truly love this man you would be able to forgive his family of any sin. Your position in his life is to reconcile him with his family in the event of a major disagreement not distant him from them.

Your position as his fiancÈ goes beyond being an ordinary girlfriend; you are almost his wife, a position that demands your constructive contribution to his life and welfare.

If the differences between you and his family are fundamental, discuss them with him as sincerely and objectively as you can. If he refuses to listen the first time, try again until he appreciates the inherent danger to you both in the future.

There is no way he would at first listen to you because when it comes to the issues of our families, we are all very sensitive. Your differences with them require wisdom to tackle without rocking the boat of your unity and happiness.

Remember, these are people you will have to live with all the rest of your lives hence cannot afford to rub them too hard on the wrong side.

Besides, since you would one day grow up to be an in-law to some persons, care must be taken on the type of seed you plant today because whether you like it or not, the fruit would grow, mature and be ready for harvest. There is no way you would harvest respect, love in place of the disrespect and hatred you are planting now.

It is for days like this you must reconsider whatever your would-be-in-laws have done to you and learns to love them unconditionally.

There is no way you can learn about their good qualities or them yours if you continue in your determination to erect this wall of hatred between you and them. It would always be a barrier, which even your children would find difficult to break down.

It would affect the way they treat your children, respond to them even in situations of rallying family support for them. The world is a very fragile place where anything and everything can happen within a twinkling of an eye. God gave us our families to be our shield, protector as well as support base in times like that.

With plenty of love in your heart you will overcome whatever challenge comes from two different people coming to make a home together.

You don't make enemies of your in-laws and expect to be happy with their child.

Whatever the problem is, once you make up your mind to let go and commit it to God, it will work.

Good luck.

I Doubt His Love Given My Body Odour

Dear Agatha,

Only God Almighty can reward you for investing your time on giving solutions to people's problems.

I once wrote concerning body odour oozing from my armpit. You responded by telling me what to apply and do. I have done all you asked me to do but some people are still complaining of the odour.

Sometimes I am so ashamed of myself, but the strange thing is that my boyfriend seems not to notice that I have a body odour. Really, I have been waiting for him to complain like every one else but he seems to like me very much.

If I didn't know better, it would appear as one under the influence of charm with the way he lusts after me.

Agatha, does it mean he has not noticed this stigma or his desire to sleep with me is the overriding interest? We haven't slept together because I am still a virgin.

It is so confusing because whenever we are together, he is always talking about getting married at-times, he asks if I am praying for him to get money.

We have been together for a year and three months now, and we spend time together. Please I need your advice.

Helpless Girl.

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Dear Helpless Girl,

If he has dated you for a year and three months and has never mentioned or alluded to the issue of your body odour, it means the condition isn't as bad as you think or as those persons are making it out to be.

It also means his stay with you is unconditional as well as ready to stay with you through thick and thin.

Don't therefore begin to look for issues where none exists. When a man really cares for a woman, he looks beyond certain things and concentrates on who she really is.

He must like your skin in sufficiently not to bother about whether you have an odour or not. Besides, what you consider an odour may not be to him, just a pungent scent, which gives you your identity. Some people regard such thing as sexy.

Don't impute ulterior motives to his interest in you. If sex were want he wanted, he wouldn't be around this long. It doesn't take men so much time and antics to present their interest to a woman they want to sleep with.

Telling you to pray for him and discussing marriage with you without demanding sex from you shows his interest in you is real. What should bother you now is how to consolidate by paying more attention to his person, character, attitude as well as temperament.

You should also begin to consider your feelings for him vis-a-vis spending the rest of your life with him. It is important you know sufficiently well the man you may be spending the rest of your life with.

Begin to look at the substantives in him and not whether he has noticed you have a body odour or not.

Body odour isn't something that can be hidden or tolerated if the situation is really bad. Yours may have developed from a bad hygienic habit which proper body care can effectively take care of.

Chances are that those people who still keep their distance may be reacting to your old ways and not necessarily because you still have odour in your armpit. You know old impressions are very hard to change.

Therefore, relax and continue in your new hygiene.

Good luck.

Before Spiritual Slip Ruin My Life

Dear Agatha,

I am an avid reader of your column in the Daily Independent Newspaper. I have benefited immensely from your responses and timely answers to people's questions.

Mine is baffling and beyond my understanding. I gave my life to Christ in 1988 at the Scripture Union Conference shortly after my secondary school. Later I joined the Deeper Life Bible Church in 1990. I became a staunch worshipper combined with the rigours of their well-known practical Christianity. Before then I had vowed not to have sex before marriage and have asked God instead to remove me than doing that. That was way back in class two when I hadn’t even become born again.

I kept to this despite temptations and challenges of masturbation. I got appointment with a bank and was transferred to the east. I had grown as a Christian enough to taste the powers and gift of the Holy Spirit.

Over time however, my official assignments made it impossible for me to attend weekly services. I could only attend Sunday services. My moral strength got weakened without my notice.

Either in 2004 or 2005 I read a message sent to my box mistakenly sent by a lady in one of the universities in the east. I discovered the mail was not for me, but established a kind of relationship with this lady. Eventually I had sex with her.

The consequences were alarming and almost instant. Two days after we had sex, I got a call that my younger sister who though for some time hadn’t enjoyed the best of health was seriously sick. Agatha, till date, I can’t explain why I failed to respond to the emergency call until she died.

Being a very important member of the family to whom we are all connected, it was the worst kind of experience. The lady asked me to leave my house immediately on the premise that she can’t endure staying in a place where people are crying.

I was very hurt by the statement but I stupidly kept to her because of my emotional breakdown. It was indeed a very trying moment for me.

The next thing was my job. Before I got the letter terminating my appointment, I had a spiritual experience with a strange person who touched the centre of my head. Following that spiritual episode, I misplaced and misappropriated fund belonging to the bank. I lost control over my actions.

I lost my job in the most shameful ways. Few months to this, I had met my Pastor who told me that God wasn’t happy with me and my problems have to do with a lady. He said a lady I jilted.

I eventually got a job, after three years of roaming the streets searching for a job. I am yet to pay off the debts I went into following the bank saga.

I am approaching 38 years of age and have been unable to find an ideal wife to assist me or identify with me considering my background and my humble educational attainment, a Higher National Diploma. My father died when I was just four years of age.

Certain sources have attributed my plight to not having performed traditional burial rites on my late dad. I have always considered those things as not conforming to Christian traditions. But when such comments are coming from seemingly strong Christians, I begin to wonder.

It has not been easy and my salary does not seem to meet pressing obligations. In Lagos now, I am still squatting and not able to get ready to become a man.

Kindly advise me.

Hue.

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Dear Hue,

Doubtless what you suffer from is a spiritual problem but caused by your own carelessness and insensitivity to the things of God whom you went into a covenant with.

Of your own freewill, you went into a partnership with God. Even when you hadn’t fully given your life to Christ, you swore to remain a celibate until your wedding night. You went as far as asking God to take you away if you go against this covenant with Him.

You were not forced to go on any agreement with Him; you did on your own freewill. You broke this agreement when you had sex with a woman whose history, spiritual relationship you know nothing about.

God, by every standard, is merciful but one who is very jealous and who holds covenant sacred. This is because everything about His relationship with us revolves round covenant. Being a God who works His wonders through promises, He values every promises made to us more than even His name so when we go into freewill agreements with Him, we must have the resolves to keep to them else the protection and peace that go with such promises would begin to work against us instead of in our favour.

Whenever we break our promises with God, we unwittingly empower the devil to have legal grounds to fight against us. We weaken the power of God over us because being completely just, and bound by His words, He painfully looks the other way when devil and his agents come to demand for their pound of flesh arising from our own faults.

This has nothing to do with your inability to give your father the final burial. Rather, it comes from your own severance of your protection chain from God.

If the former were true, you wouldn’t be able to get any job at all or come out of the problem with the bank without going to prison. You survived because of the grace of God, which never really goes away where His anointed are concerned.

His refusal to kill you as you requested when going into that vow with Him shows that He has something in store for you. However, you died spiritually the moment you went against this promises. For you to go back to your former glory and climb to a greater one, you must first seek and restore your spiritual relationship with God.

The moment you dreamt about being attacked by an unidentified person in your dream, you should have gone to your pastor to raise a prayer team for your deliverance and help.

Touching you on the head in your dream was a withdrawal of your spiritual gift and prosperity. For you to make it physically, these must be returned to you spiritually.

First, you have to go back to God for forgiveness and mercy because without first seeking the help and interventions of God, no amount of deliverance will be able to set you free. He has to be involved in your deliverance because only He has the authority to defeat the devil completely.

Reconciling with Him means confessing your sins and re-entering into another covenant with Him. This time, think before going into it. Be sure what you are pledging is something you have the will power to fulfill. Be sure you will not derail again. Remember God has not put any burden on you beyond the general rules that apply to every child of His. So if you are going the extra mile through your own freewill be sure, you have what it takes not to fail because it would always count as a debt against you as well as an avenue for the devil to triumph over you.

From all you have went through, you ought to know by now that it is best not to going into covenants with God than to go into one and fail.

On your own don’t ever allow yourself to be scarce in the presence of God. No matter how demanding your job is, maintain the relationship you have with God at all times because without Him, that job can cease to exist.

Had you maintained your relationship with God, this girl and whatever powers she had wouldn’t have been able to defeat you. This is not saying being a prayerful Christian protects you completely from the trials of the world, but it offers you a shield and stronger platform to overpower and defeat whatever challenges come your way.

Though as children of God, we still have our crosses to carry but are made lighter with His grace and mercy.

As for being 38 and unmarried, don’t worry when the time is right you will find the right woman. All you require to find the right woman is to place your request before God. Being the establisher of the marriage institution and your creator, He knows just the right woman for you, the one who will not only be your wife but your friend and comforter as well.

You failed with the first woman because you didn’t involve God and went about it the wrong way. Having broken the link between you and God, she was sent on the assignment to make your fall complete. She too may not know what happened which is why you should always remain in the presence of God.

There is no way you would make it under the current spiritual yoke you involve yourself. Everything would work right for you once you restore your spiritual relationships with God. This is the promise God has for all His children who love and trust Him unconditionally.

Good luck

Before Her Nasty Office-love Suspends Peace From My Home

Dear Agatha,

Please help me resolve this crisis. I unwittingly got myself involved in with a lady I met in my office. This is my fifth year of marriage. I am bold to say in all those years that I have never been unfaithful to my wife. I hold our marriage precious and scared.

Prettier women than my wife have tempted me, but I just made a vow not to do what I wouldn’t want my wife do to me.

You see Agatha, my wife isn’t your average beautiful woman physically but on the inside, has one of the most beautiful souls. She is every man’s dream woman once you get to know her. To be very frank the beauty inside of her makes her the most beautiful woman on earth. While other couples around and close to us, daily wad through crises, we have such a perfect understanding that when differences occur, we manage them effortlessly without stress.

Till date, my friends and family are all of the opinion that she is the best thing that has happened to me. Deep down I know and have never stopped thanking God for giving me such a priceless gift despite my past life.

We are blessed with two beautiful children who took after her sweet nature. My wife has taught me to manage my vanities and pride. Unlike before when I relied and used my good looks to my advantage, now it seems not to exist at all.

However, this lady who is determined to have me at all cost is threatening this peace. Last year, I gave her lift home when it was raining. It would have been very rude and against social etiquette when I found her waiting by the office gate as I drove out. Incidentally, she lived not too far away from us so it wasn’t such a big deal to drop her. The next day, she came to my office to thank me and to invite me for lunch. I declined but she insisted and since I was hungry I accepted but on the condition that I pay for the lunch.

Unknown to me I was walking into a trap. A week after that, she invited me to her birthday party and every other person in the office would be attending after work, I agreed since it was a Friday. I told my wife about the party to explain why I may come home late.

When it was time to cut the cake, she invited me to help cut her birthday cake. I obliged her not knowing it was also part of her hidden plans.

During Christmas, she sent me some very expensive gifts of a leather belt, boxers and designer perfume. I showed them to my wife who was very uncomfortable about the gifts especially the boxers.

I wasn’t also too comfortable anymore around her because I could tell her interests in me were going beyond the normal. Having played the field extensively before, I don’t need anyone to tell me when I am being pressured by a woman.

I therefore decided to stay away from her but that has turned out to be my undoing as she has taken to calling me at odd hours of the night, sending very suggestive messages to my phone and going as far as giving the impression that she and I have something going. The picture of she and I cutting her birthday cake is conspicuously displayed on her office table as well as another of us at lunch.

On Valentine’s Day, she not only took a shout out for me in one of the radio stations, which incidentally my wife listens to but brought me gifts also. Although I threw them in the dustbin right in front of her, but the damage has been done.

My home is no longer peaceful. For the first time, my wife doubts me, more so as the picture of me helping her to cut her cake was also sent to my wife.

My wife is particularly angry that I didn’t tell her about the pictures as well as the identity of my night caller until she pressured me into telling her due to my moods after such calls.

I don’t know how to handle this anymore. The last time I tried to reprimand her, when she came into my office, she threatened to remove the flimsy top she wore underneath her suit and tell everyone that cares to listen that she and I were making love in the office.

My job is a well-paying one and I don’t want to lose it on account of this woman. Because of my past reputation with women, I am scared that if she carries out her threat, nobody would believe I didn’t start it. Only my close friends who are in the know would know the truth.

Because of this, she has kept on harassing me. Some of my friends have gone to her to plead she leaves me alone but she insists until I oblige her request to spend the night at her place she would not.

I don’t know how to disentangle myself from something that doesn’t even exist between the two of us.

Please help me before I lose my sanity, home and job.

Bode.

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Dear Bode,

If nothing happened, there is nothing to fear. This is a temptation you must stand up to fight with all the seriousness and strength you have.

The most important thing is the trust and support of your wife. She is angry and suspicious on account of you not giving her the bit-by-bit information concerning this lady. Yes, you were deceived into taking the pictures with her but you should have told your wife all about it the moment you realised her game plan. You should have immediately taken a copy of the picture to your wife before she did. With such women, you should have known from your experience that the motive was blackmail and that it won’t end with her displaying the picture on her office table but that the picture would be used to forcefully coax you into doing her bidding.

Had you told her everything including preparing her mind for any possibility that might arise from your innocent association with this girl, she would have been able to trust you implicitly.

Even though you didn’t have any relationship with this girl, you acted like one who is guilty of really having a relationship. The secret answering of her calls didn’t help your case at all. Taking those calls outside the presence of your wife makes the whole scenario very suspicious.

Had you taken all the calls in the presence of your wife, you would have taken the sail off the winds of her blackmail drive. If your wife doesn’t seem to trust you anymore, it is only because you gave room for her to doubt you. In her shoes what would think if she suddenly begins to answer secret calls, deliberately tells you half-truths? There was no need to protect her from something that didn’t happen at all. To the point that she knew about the girl, her gifts and her birthday, you should have given her all the other details of what transpired.

It would have been better if she didn’t know anything about this girl in the first place than knowing a part of it only to be confronted with the vivid details of the other half. For instance, if you had told her about the picture, hearing about her request to you on the radio as well as seeing those pictures wouldn’t have bothered her at all. She would have been able to trust you enough to tell whosoever brought the pictures to throw them into the dustbin.

You should have given her a chance to respond to those calls herself. Being a woman, she would have known how to deal effectively with the other woman. She would have warned her to keep off her man as well as making it clear how ready she was to protect her territory.

The other lady sensed your reluctance to involve your wife hence took advantage of it to nail you.

The best thing you can do now is to beg your wife to forgive you as well as enlist her help in securing your peace from this woman. It is obvious this isn’t one of those women who have scruples, who respect the sanctity of marriage. This one is vicious, selfish and dangerous. She is prepared to lose her reputation, job if need be to get you or drag you into the mud if you refuse to play her game.

Sincerely, you don’t stand any chance with a woman like that because she has made up her mind to face whatever consequences come from her obsession to have you. Reporting her to the boss would not do the trick because with a woman like this there is no telling what length she can go. If you are strong enough to resist her charms, your boss may not and no management would tolerate the attendant embarrassment that comes from office romance gone sour.

This is a battle for your wife, for the woman who has higher stakes. If she reports her to your boss, he would listen. If she tells your boss that her home, her husband’s life is under threat by a female staff who is obsessed with him, who has taken to calling him despite knowing he is married at odd hours of the night, he would be forced to act to prevent your wife from turning the office into a boxing ring. If your wife claims knowledge of those photographs, tell the story of why you gave her a lift to her house, how the photographs thing happened, the expensive gifts she sent your husband at Christmas, those he threw away at Valentine as well as all the other details including the one of stripping in the office to give the impression to the management that they were making love in the office should he try to report her harassment to the authority, the boss would believe you and be forced to take actions against her to protect the image of the company.

The law is on the side of your wife, the sympathy is hers to use to her advantage hence has all the weapons to put this lady in her place effectively. The next time she calls you, pass the phone on to your wife. She has the right kind of words to send fears into her, fears that would make her think twice before issuing threats to you.

But she would only agree to help you get out of the mess if you tell her all the truths you may have kept away from her. It would be most embarrassing if after agreeing to help, she discovers new things she didn’t know happened.

You also have to promise her complete transparency from now on.

Don’t worry, since your hands are clean, you will overcome. Your marriage will emerge stronger from this episode with the help and grace of God.

Good luck.

At 15, My Daughter Threatens Suicide To Have Second Abortion

Dear Agatha,

My daughter is just 15 years old. Recently she got pregnant and out of fear for her future, the reputation of the family as well as my well being as a mother, my husband and I terminated the pregnancy.

This was not before we scolded and punished her for the mess she got herself and all of us into by implication.

We were lucky the abortion was successful although not without some incidents which should have taught her a lesson.

She didn’t take the JSS 3 examinations along with her colleagues. She had to wait before going back to school. Now my fears are all over again.

Since terminating her pregnancy, she has gone very wild. She goes and comes, as she likes, sometimes taking off to God knows where for days. The father expects me to be stricter with her but what can I do? Beat her or send her out of the house?

Now my worst nightmare has happened again. Recently, I noticed her vomiting and on close examinations, discovered she is pregnant again. Like the previous one, father unknown.

The father thinks I am irresponsible, and went to the ridiculous length of attributing her behaviour to my side of the family. The tension in my home is deep.

Now I am at a crossroad. I don’t know if I should allow her keep this child or help her again terminate the pregnancy. She has threatened to take her life if I don’t allow her terminate the pregnancy having pleaded with me to forgive her.

She is my only daughter. I don’t her to end up becoming useless in life. How is she going to cope with the damage of having a child without a father? How do I handle my husband who is blaming me and has the opinion that my insistence we aborted the pregnancy the last time gave her the impetus to get pregnant again?

Concerned Mother.

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Dear Concerned Mother,

You are really to blame for this current situation your daughter has found herself. While you may not be blamed for the first incident, this one is certainly yours blame to carry.

No matter what, you shouldn’t have encouraged an abortion of the first pregnancy. Keeping the baby would have helped her become more responsible as well as focused. That she got a light sentence the first time gave her the encouragement to go further, to continue with her wayward lifestyle.

Your husband is blaming you because being your only daughter, you may have over-indulged her to the extent of giving her too much freedom to do, as she likes. Hence why would she just disappear from the house for days and appear without you enforcing some rigid discipline? It is not only by beating a child you enforce discipline, besides your daughter has gone beyond that.

With a child like this, use what she likes the most to bend her. She likes freedom. It is either you give her no freedom at all or you give her all the freedom to wreck her life. The latter option takes some determination and ruthlessness to accomplish. Sending her back to the streets would make her realise after a while that there is nothing in the street but hard life and damage. Chances are the men she is dating are not responsible for her fully. They are the ‘touch and go’ type of boys who are themselves dependent on their parents hence would not encourage her to stay permanently.

By the time she goes round them and is rejected at every point by the men or boys; the lesson of moderation and discipline would have been learnt. For some young girls, it takes the real and vivid street life suffering to make them come to their full senses.

Your husband’s anger appears to you as not making any effort whatsoever to make her change. That she is your only daughter shouldn’t make you indulge her or accept everything she does.

This time around, insist she keeps the baby as well as get a job to sustain herself and the baby. Even if you are going to help her out eventually, let her start with the impression that the days of tea-parties are over and that having frittered away the previous chance you gave her to make something out of her life, this time around she would face the music all alone.

Call her bluff at her blackmail to kill herself. Tell her, the life she wants to take isn’t useful to you as it is now since she has destroyed it and that it won’t hurt you if she takes it after giving your grandchild. She is just telling you that to blackmail you into doing her will. Don’t give in to her blackmail else you would be making more terrible mistake than you have done before.

If you hadn’t done the abortion for her, she wouldn’t have had the boldness to get pregnant again. The burden and shame of having a child as well as seeing her friends going forward in their lives would have made her change from her wayward ways.

Because you have always pampered her will, done everything to make her happy irrespective of your own discomfort, your new position would not more than words, tell her how disappointed you are at her conduct and how much she has hurt you. It would shock her into thinking about her life as well as the future of the child and hers in addition.

It is the only way you can help her change from her ways.

You must be prepared to give her the lesson you failed to give her before now, be a supportive but firm mother to her. That you are firm and strict doesn’t make you less of a good mother; discipline done in love is beautiful and wonderful.

Your husband is angry that you failed in your department as a mother to entrench the right discipline and moral values into your daughter.

Granted, good parenting isn’t always a function of doing the right thing but also that of luck as well as the grace of God. But our duties as parents are to give our children the right foundation to be useful to us as well as themselves.

Helping her to procure that abortion is akin to giving her the support to continue to be wayward, which is not a function of a good parent, especially a mother.

You owe your daughter the right values. Divorce all your sentiments and do your job of parenting this child properly. This child needs you to be focused if she is to go back on the right track.

She needs your prayers as well as your positive support to become the child that would make you very proud.

Good luck.

I Hate My Brother For Visiting Altar Without Me!

Dear Agatha,

My brother recently got married without informing us about the marriage, besides my father.

Since after the wedding he has been beeping me but I refuse to respond. Now what do I do if he eventually decides to call me.

Orzo.

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Dear Orzo,

Take his call and tell him exactly how you feel about his decision to exclude you from his wedding arrangements. Even if he has his reasons for not going public with such information, still let him know that you consider it improper and something of an embarrassment to be left out of his wedding plans.

Having said that, give him the opportunity to explain his reasons. You may not agree with his explanation but for the sake of family peace don’t doubt his logic. There are indeed some situations that demand absolute secrecy in some matters. He could have been warned in the church to keep things really low not because of you but other family interests and politics that might come to play or derail his plans.

He may have informed your father out of a necessity so it doesn’t look as if he completely ignored all his family members.

The onus is now on you through your actions to make this relationship work between you two. That he did what he did shows that within the family a lot of things are wrong and since your father is still very much alive, you should impress it on him to bring about genuine reconciliation between all his children such that when issues like this come up, the whole family would find it possible to queue effortlessly behind their own happily.

Your father should have been able to bring about this reconciliation before now particularly as some of his children were not informed about the wedding of one of his children. Irrespective of whatever reasons your brother may have given, your father should have called all of you the moment he knew the information was out and no longer a secret to mediate on the issue.

Waiting to mop up things after the wedding if not carefully handled may still leave some of you feeling alienated from this wedding.

To show you don’t have anything against him or his wife, go the extra mile by visiting them with your present.

While there, let him know that whatever may have informed his decision not to inform some arms of the family doesn’t concern you as much as ensuring the family remains one.

Whatever you say there must be final such that it buries all your misgiving as well as your anger. Forgiveness when complete and wholesome gives way to perfect peace and future happiness.

If you understand that decision not to invite you didn’t come from nothing, must have come from years of mutual suspicions, disloyalty, damaging family politics, fetish practices, you would understand the essence of making such that past history within the family is resolved to protect all of you from this type of embarrassment again.

Family disagreements are common but must be managed in such a way as not to expose the weakness of the family to external gossips or interventions like this one between you and your brother.

Pray for the wisdom of God to manage this.

Good luck.

Can Single Lady Pass Night With Her Boyfriend?

Dear Agatha,

Is it advisable for a single lady to pass the night in her boyfriend’s house to please him?

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

It isn’t advisable for a single lady to spend the night in her boyfriend’s house to please him. This is because until you are both married, there is no guarantee that you both would end as one. The losses to the woman after investing her body, emotion as well as reputation to a stillbirth relationship are too numerous to mention.

A man has nothing to lose in the long run whereas a woman loses her everything. Her value in the opinion of others, especially men who may be interested in taking her for a wife dips by the time it is known that she spends nights in the house of her former boyfriend.

The assumption is always negative for the woman as she is regarded not having moral training or values.

Even though this assumption is often not right, but the thought of a single girl having the liberty to leave her parents’ house for her boyfriend’s house in the night is still regarded down here as not morally acceptable.

In other cultures, it may not be so much of a big deal but ours is a society still largely governed by deep moral codes that make it absolutely improper for a single lady to spend the night in her boyfriend’s house.

Ultimately, it boils down to a couple’s value. If the man feels that spending the night is the only way a woman can prove her love, it means a lot of things are wrong with the relationship.

Building of a relationship goes beyond the physical to more fundamental as well as spiritual qualities. A couple may have all the technical know-how when it comes to lovemaking but lack the essential ingredients in other areas. These issues are too important to be solved by a couple spending the night together or not.

Rather than waste energy on this issue, it is advisable you and your boyfriend concentrate on your compatibilities as individuals as a couple. The logic of spending the night together would be defeated if at the end of the day every other piece is defective and the relationship has to be terminated.

How many men can you afford to spend the night with before you find your own man? What makes one man desire to spend the night with you would also make another man demand your presence by his side through the night.

Relationship is a two-way traffic. It doesn’t work successfully with just one person made to make all the sacrifices. Both parties must invest their interests, concern and responsibilities to make it work well. He should be concerned about your reputation if he really cares about you.

It isn’t only when you agree to spend the night in his place, you would please him. You please him by being faithful to him, respectful, caring, understanding, trustful, prayerful as well as giving him your loyalty.

These are more viable and beneficial ways of telling your man you love him not by spending the nights with him.

Good luck.

Family Divided Over My Choice Of Wife

Dear Agatha,

I thank you so much for your pieces of advice that have been solving problems of so many people. I gained a lot from reading your column before I travelled out of the country, I now log on to the internet to continue reading your column.

I know you can solve my problem too. I am 37 years of age and I have a girl I have been dating for three years. We concluded to settle down late last year. Our families were happy at our decision to finally tie the nuptial knot.

Being a naturally shy person, she doesn’t know much about love and relationship but this isn’t a problem since I am very willing to help her because I love her so much. Besides, she has all qualities I need from a woman including her spiritual life.

I explained everything about her to my mother, but last month, my sister phoned telling me she had found me another woman. I was surprised by this and promptly, I told her wasn’t interested in another woman. She insisted I speak with the other lady. I also declined this request and we went into hot exchange of words.

I expected my mother to be on my side but to my surprise, my mother too was in support of my sister’s move.

Ignoring my feelings and stand on the matter, my sister went ahead to give the lady my phone number as well as my e-mail address. Not only did she send her pictures to my mailbox, but she has been calling me since then.

Inasmuch as I don’t want to be rude to my mother and sister on account of the sacrifices they had made for me, I think choosing a wife for me is really taking liberties too far. I don’t know what my sister has discussed with the girl’s parents because the pressure to change my mind over the issue is too much.

My father and my uncle are on my side but my mother and sister are a huge problem.

Agatha, I need your help because they are delaying my desire to formally perform the introduction ceremony as I desire to come home and get married. I have spent time on my girl, growing to love her. She is also very much in love with me. I cannot break her heart.

Prince.

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Dear Prince,

At 37, you definitely know what is right for you. And since you and this girl have found the right rhythm to your hearts and the music of your lives, don’t let go.

Irrespective of whatever may have informed the decision of your mother and sister to source for another woman for you, listen to the voice of your heart because you are the one who has to stay with the choice you make today. Your mother and sister are living with the choices they made hence you should be left to make your own choice, else your marriage may not be able to withstand the attendant problems that may come with two different people staying together.

The truth is, there is no way you can make your mother or your sister understand that whatever may be the shortcomings of your girl-friend. Maybe, your mind is fixed on marrying her and not the complete stranger they want you to spend the rest of your life with without coming back home.

This matter is too serious to be resolved through phoning. Besides, it would be such a cowardly thing on your part not to be physically present in making your opinion known to them.

Return home to begin the process of marrying her. It would resolve a lot of things especially for your girl at the centre of it all who understandably would be going through personal emotional turmoil. She needs you now more than she has ever needed you. She needs you to be present by her side so that she doesn’t make the mistake most people under this cloud of emotional uncertainty make. Don’t forget she cannot understand the reason for all these challenges, why your once supportive mother and sister have turned against her or what you told them to bring on this change.

Mind you, your mother and sister may not only stop at acting their rejection of her, but turn certain information you gave them to their advantage. Telling your mother her ignorance of what it entails to keep a relationship going could be interpreted by her that she would not make you a good wife.

Out of mischief, your mother could score a political point. Tell your woman your own version of what you told her. She because of the love, respect and trust she has in you may decide to ignore this but to a large extent would be affected by what is happening.

Coming back to be by her side and to fend off the support the other lady has, would give her and her family the confidence to go on. That your uncle and father are on your side isn’t enough. Being the central figure at the centre of this whole thing, you need to make your stance known to the other girl and her family. Seeing and hearing you decline to have anything to do with whatever arrangement your mother and sister came up with would make this woman and her family know the futility of continuing to wait for you.

It would also enable you listen to the reasons for your mother and sister’s stance on the matter as well as the opportunity of attending to their fears while soliciting for their support in helping you achieve your happiness with the lady after your heart.

There is no way your mother would be able to remain indifferent to your pleas for support if she sees you physically. Every mother is always supporting the interest of her child. Once you understand that despite your disagreement with her behaviour, she has your interest at heart, your problem is almost solved. Her reason is motivated by her quest for you to be happy.

You just have to lovingly explain to her that your happiness is with the choice you have made and that without her by your side, chances of you being happy in life are very slim.

Once you are able to win your mother’s support, your sister would have no choice but drop her ambition for you to marry the other girl.

If however, they refuse to listen, with the support of your father and uncle, begin your marriage rites with this lady. They would eventually come to accept her as your wife.

Importantly, trust God with your plans by praying and soliciting for His assistance in your quest to be happy.

Good luck.

I Lose My Temper Easily

Dear Agatha,

I would soon be getting married but unfortunately, little things easily get me angry.

Please help me as my attitude is frustrating my husband-to-be. I think I am the domineering type but I do what I do unintentionally.

Agatha, please help me find a solution to my problem before I lose the only man I truly love.

Mosun.

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Dear Mosun,

Before going into the marriage it is imperative you understand the dynamism and the principles concerning the institution to avoid regrets later in life.

There is no way you can conduct a happy and proper marriage if you don’t first appraise your behaviour vis-a-vis what is acceptable, expected and applies in the context of two people coming together to make a home.

It is also in your interest to understand the different positions and duties of the man and woman. To help you understand this best, go back into your Bible and read the roles God assigned to the genders at creation.

From the beginning, He made man the head, no apologies or explanation, full stop! God gave man the headship and authority over the woman hence she is expected at all times to show him respect and consideration deserving of his position in the home. Whatever the situation may be between a man and woman, her duty is to give the man she has agreed to spend the rest of her life with every support to succeed. It doesn’t matter who is bringing in the most money or has the brightest prospect, what matters is what God demands, giving the head the encouragement to discharge his responsibilities to his family and by implication to the society.

Support doesn’t necessary come in the form of money alone. The man must have the right atmosphere in the house to be man in his home.

When a woman constantly drags the image of her husband through the mud simply because she has a temper she cannot control, she exposes her man to the ridicule and insults of others around. A man is judged by those around him through the way his wife packages and presents him to the public. If she is constantly being rude and shouting at him without care, even when they are alone, it would reflect on how others treat him.

There is no way a man who is constantly being harassed by his wife would be considered for any important position because the thinking is usually that, if a man is unable to control his wife at home, he cannot be trusted to effect discipline outside his home. Even where he has the ability to do so, the mockery that follows such orders by those who are aware of the despicable way his wife treats him at home would compromises him at every point.

Your role as the woman is to be a shield for you man; think for him, encourage and ensure he has emotional, physical and spiritual support to overcome his limitations, fears as well as challenges.

So, if you want your man to succeed, you must begin from now to let go of those attitudes of yours that would make him less than a man in the opinion of your would be neighbours and friends.

You must leave your temper and ill manners in your father’s house. Such behaviours have no place in the contest of a happy marriage. If you have dominated everybody around you before now, you must learn how to give the reigns of leadership to someone else. If you have until now gotten away with that foul temper of yours, you must for your own sake begin the process of debriefing yourself as well as getting yourself acquitted with acceptable conducts within marriage.

This is not saying you relinquish the right to be angry when the need arises, but that there are laid down rules of displaying anger within a relationship and marriage in particular. Simply because you have a domineering spirit doesn’t give you the right to insult people or display your temper at will. It shows rudeness as well as someone incapable of managing herself.

Life is about mutual respect. For this man of yours to accord you the respect deserving of your position as his special woman, you must first show him that you are worthy of such special considerations through your own manner.

If you must get angry, do so when you are in the privacy of your room and even that doesn’t give you the liberty to use unprintable words or be uncultured in your approach. Good conduct is a function of one’s upbringing. Therefore, it goes beyond you and this man but telling the world too that your parents, particularly your mother did a good job of entrenching in you the right moral codes.

When a woman leaves her family for her husband’s family, she becomes an ambassador of her family in her new environment. Everybody, particularly in the first few years are on the look out for the quality of training her parents gave her. Her parents are scored on their performance by the attitudes she puts up in her new family. If yours is to insult your husband, display unnecessary temper at the slight opportunity and in the process become rude to everyone around, drag the image of the man through the mud, then you are telling the world that your parents brought you up to be insensitive. That they also indulged you in the way of rudeness to constituted authority.

For this reason you must do everything to change your manner. Besides there are people in your family who are patiently waiting for you to fail in your marriage as a result of past insults and pains your attitude has inflicted on them. The rules in a man’s house are vastly different from those in parents’ homes.

Husbands don’t indulge their wives; they only indulge their daughters. The rule of man and woman relationship is the reverse. The woman pampers and indulges her man as a tool of ensuring she sustains his interest in her and the home.

As a woman you must be careful about how you handle your man to avoid driving him away from you and into the hands of another woman, who gives him the peace he lacks at home.

Being your man, he deserves respect at all times so no matter how provoked you are, learn to control your temper.

One of the attributes of a good and respectful woman is to show her man consideration at all times.

This is also essential because the children pick up their understanding and whatever tools they would need in their own marriage from home.

The best way to help yourself is by learning to keep quiet or walking away when you are feeling all tensed up and ready to explode.

For the simple reason that you are accustomed to your own ways, it would be difficult for you in the beginning not to react. But once you are determined and have it at the back of your mind to change, it would eventually be easy for you.

Furthermore, learn to react less violently with your friends, family members because change doesn’t come easily. For it to work, it has to be a wholesome process of willingness and determination.

In particular, you must be prayerful because old habits are like an addiction. Plenty of grace and help are usually needed in the process of changing from bad to good. So, pray to God for help and guidance to change and make your marriage work.

Good luck.

Man Next House Wants Me To Replace His Runaway-wife

Dear Agatha,

There is this man asking for my hand in marriage. He has four children from his wife who ran away with the children when he lost his job. For two years he has been alone.

To be honest, I am very surprised at his request for my hand in marriage.

The major set back is that he lives very close to my house. I am so confused by all these. Please tell me what to do.

Grace.

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Dear Grace,

This calls for extreme caution. There is more to this story of his wife leaving him simply on account of him losing his job.

If the wife were materialistic, lacks understanding of the situation, she would not have left with all the four children. A woman unwilling to bear difficult times with a man would not burden herself with caring for four growing children. The task she has elected to do, solely caring for four children, is huge hence care must be taken in condemning such a woman.

Something other than the story of what the man told you happened to have made the woman leave her husband with her children.

You, therefore, must be careful and apply wisdom to this issue to avoid making the greatest mistake of your life.

Ask him questions regarding what actually transpired between him and his wife. Chances are that he might have maltreated her while he was working to have made her taken such extreme measures.

Make him understand that your acceptance of his proposal is dependent on him telling you the whole truth as to what actually happened in his first marriage. Assure him that you would not base your decision on his past but for the future you both plan to have together to be happy, he has to trust you with all the details of the past just as you would also tell him everything concerning your past.

Let him understand it is the only way he can earn your trust and respect forever. Besides, it is the only way you can really defend him and you against insinuations by people around who may want to use the opportunity of your happiness together foment trouble either now or in the future.

You must also be interested in knowing what efforts he made at reconciling with his family, especially his children, who are innocent victims of whatever problems he had with his wife. Between the times they left and now, what has been his level of contribution to their welfare as well as upkeep? Even if he claims their mother has been uncooperative with him, has he bothered to channel such welfare packages through her close associates to ensure the children don’t suffer needlessly? A man’s worth is the level of interest and response he shows in the affair of his family whether he lives with them or not.

This is because you would one day have children who would have to deal without whatever decision or indecisions you encourage him to take against these children whose father your children would be sharing. If you refuse to stand on the side of fairness today, you would find yourself all alone tomorrow with your children fighting a battle of resentfulness and bitterness as well as carrying the blame of an issue you didn’t know the beginning.

The battle would be particularly bitter for you if any of those children turn out to be one of the foremost in the society. There is the probability of him siding them against you, of accusing you of being the reason he abandoned them. It is for days like this you must insist on doing the right thing by refusing to take side with him against the interest of the children.

He remains the only father the children would ever have so not to show interest in them on account of whatever disagreement exists between him and their mother would amount to gross irresponsibility. Providing them with money if he doesn’t have isn’t the only way he can demonstrate his concern and care. Sometimes emotional support can make a huge difference between comfort and love, life and death. When he unselfishly give of his time to the children, he gives them the opportunity of knowing him, making up their minds about him outside whatever their mother may or may not have said. It would amount to sheer irresponsibility on his part to ignore those children completely to their mother whether she took them with or without his permission.

There is also the issue of him properly tiding up his past with this woman if he has made up his mind to move forward. He must do the necessary things in addition to making it very clear how much he intends to be providing the children with every month, visiting arrangements as well as the issue of paying their school fees.

These are responsibilities you must encourage him to execute faithfully if you intend enjoying your marriage to him. Also he has to make the effort of properly ending his marriage. There is no way he can be talking about marrying you when his former marriage still subsists. He has to end one properly before going into another one.

But importantly, you have to be sure that he is ending that marriage for the right reasons. This is because whatever may have caused him to end the first marriage may come up in your own and the chances of him still behaving the way he did is always there. If possible, investigate on your own from neighbours, his family members as well as his friends all the issues involved. Granted there would be element of loyalty to him but some few people would tell the truth. This is also to help you judge correctly what you are getting yourself into.

You also have to be sure that overtime whatever he feels for you is sufficient to scale whatever hurdles life may throw at both of you. If he is a quitter, you both may not be able to end the journey together due to pressures within the marriage.

This is because marriage is a journey into the unknown, plenty of uncertainties and more often than not of misguided promises. It takes more than declaration of love, of promises to make it work. From what happened to him and his former wife, you must know by now that marriage isn’t a bed of roses. It takes guts, forgiveness, determination, tolerance, respect, sacrifices, selflessness, loyalty as well as prayers to make the differences. You may both start out with all the right reasons and good intentions but end up being frustrated due to the attitude of either of you.

Deep down you must have certain assurances within you that you have all it takes to endure hardship and disappointment with him. You have to answer this important question within you, if you find yourself going through the same things the other woman went through would you stay on or quit like she did?

Do you think you have the type of relationship and friendship to overcome real challenges? Do you think you know him enough to entrust him with your future as well as those of your unborn children?

In addition to him settling with his former wife and children, you must make time out to know the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. What knowledge of his character do you know? Do you think you can vouch for him in times of doubtful circumstances?

Before saying yes, insist on a time of courtship. That he is desperate to marry doesn’t mean you must be too. The attendant risks of jumping before you leap would be too dangerous for you to jump into.

Use the time of courtship to know him, gauge your temperaments, your outlook as well as endurance levels. It is important you know that the picture he has presented you is not very far from the real image of him to avoid waking up with a stranger the morning after your wedding. I assure you that would be the beginning of a greater problem of you not knowing who the stranger by your side is let alone how to manage him.

The problem in a marriage is not in the attendant challenges that confront it on a daily basis but of not having an idea of who the stranger by one’s side is. You can go into a marriage with all the determination to succeed, to make it work at all cost but only if the right support is coming from one’s partner. If you and this man have a common focus, goal as well as hunger to make it work, there is no challenge your combined efforts would not consume effortlessly.

Therefore you must be certain that you are both on the right path to make this work because yours come with more than the average share of problems. Having four stepchildren with an unhappy mother on the side isn’t going to be a tea party at all.

You need to pray, get clear signals from God as well as develop a self-will that can withstand the fiercest of heats to survive this marriage. You have to be more than the average woman to be able to take everything this marriage throws at you without feeling bad or defeated in the process.

Good luck

Why Must A Stranger Hate One With Passion?

Dear Agatha,

There is this girl in my hostel who for reasons best known to her hates me with passion. The strangest thing about this whole development is the fact that she and I don't have any form of relationship that would make her hate me with such intensity.

The first time she came into our hostel room, I greeted her but she didn't respond. I thought she didn't hear my greetings, not until I saw the manner she was looking at me. After browbeating me, she hissed.

I was embarrassed by her attitude since she and I have never met let alone engage in any action that would bring about such behaviour. I have, on my own, tried to make peace with her but she insists on being nasty to me and goes about telling people ugly things about me.

Friends have told me to ignore her that she is simply looking for trouble.

I am so confused about all these and need your help on how to react as well as handle this strange behaviour from a stranger I never met until the day she walked into my room.

Gift.

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Dear Gift,

The best thing to do under this situation is to avoid her entirely because there is no telling how deep her hatred for you could be or the extent she could go under the influence of her feelings.

Ignore whatever she does or says to provoke a reaction from you. Remember she is the one who wants a reason to fight you; so don't give her the chance to rubbish you at all.

It is obvious she has a special kind of problem, which could be psychological or pure jealousy of your looks and personality.

You could also be dating someone she is interested in, and for that simple reason, you have become rivals, enemies of the heart. Hence her determination to ensure she drags you in the mud at every opportunity she has.

If you however learn to keep your distance from her, avoid her like a plague and refuse to give recognition to her, she would sooner or later find something else to do with her time.

Such attention-seeking people aren't worth paying attention to.

Good luck.

Persecution Trails My Switch Of Religion

Dear Agatha,

You are my last hope. I was a Muslim until I met a lady who is a Christian. She started by giving me a Bible and some passages from it to read.

When I declared my change of religion to my family members, they instantly threaten to disown me should I go ahead with my decision.

I shared the challenge I was facing with my family with this friend of mine. She in turn told me not to worry that the God I now serve is greater than he who is in the world and that He would finish what He has started in my life.

When I went home my family locked me up. They say I was under some evil influences and made me to go without food or water for two days.

Thereafter, I was rendered incommunicado as my phone was seized and damaged. I was therefore unable to communicate with my friend for a while.

After a long time of battling with my parents, I was eventually sent packing and told never to come back into the family.

I went looking for my Christian friend but was told she has relocated to Lagos. In fairness to her, she told me she will be relocating but I didn't think it would be so soon. She couldn't tell me because there was no way she could get me since my phone had been damaged.

Right now I live with a friend who treat me like a slave because I have no-where to go. Also, I can't afford schooling any longer because of lack of money. I don't have a home, no future and she kept insisting on me having faith but now, this burden is too much for me and she is nowhere to be found, and not even a forwarding address for me to reach her. All my friends, cousins, relations don't want to see or have anything to do with me. Please I want to know if this hardship is what it takes to be a Christian? Nobody wants to listen to me at all. Her abandonment of me makes me feel she lured me into needless suffering.

I want to go back to my former religion but things are getting tighter and worse everyday.

I am alone with nobody to support me. Do you think what I am going through is a true test of my willingness to serve the God I now pledge loyalty to?

Whatever, I think, Kate Igwe, if she is reading, owes me some explanations. I really want to know she really needs to talk to me because I can't seem to go back or forward. I am transfixed. I really need her help. This is my new number, 07056834424.

Idris.

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Dear Idris,

Change is the most difficult battle in life. It is one that you do with a lot of determination because like overcoming addiction, slips would occur, depression would come, regrets are often, and anger against yourself for not staying to your own ways in the first place.

Often, the challenge and pains of change are excruciating to the point of despair. Eventually though they all frizzle away for the beauty embedded in the change. What you are going through is the dark and very bleak period where the expected light at the end of the tunnel seems not to be appearing at all.

The fact that your life seems to be hanging on the cliff and that even the person, who dragged you into it all isn't anywhere in sight, makes the burden of your change very challenging and lonesome. There is no way you can withstand this battle without the help and support of friends who understand what you are going through; to give you encouragement, to help you stand up when the journey is most slippery and unfriendly. You are troubled because it has become something like a solitary journey into a strange and unknown world.

Conversion into a new religion or ways isn't without some difficulties. It takes more than mere declaration to real faith as well as thirst for the unknown to make the attendant resistance to the decision to the change bearable.

She should have told you from the beginning that the cross you are about to carry is indeed a very heavy one, one that would witness your entire family, friends as well as neighbours abandoning you.

Any change in life is usually met with so much oppositions as well as resentments.

It is most difficult for you because it is religion. Leaving the religion of your family and friends for one they consider strange is bound to elicit this type of hard-line measures as well as rejections from everyone who is familiar.

What you can do to make this journey more approachable is to look at the story of Bible characters that went through such transformation. One of such persons is Moses who left the comfort of the palace, familiar customs, family and friends to embrace and put His faith in a God He didn't know existed for the first 40 years of his life. Like you, He went through a period of desert experience, when nobody understood what he was all or talking about.

There is no way your family would understand your new passion or your motivation. In their shoes, you too would do precisely what they are doing. You would think what they are thinking and probably take the same rash decisions you have taken.

In their shoes, how would you react later in life if your child comes to inform you that he or she has decided to go back to your former religion or one you are completely ignorant of? Chances are you would do the same thing your parents are doing.

They are not doing it because they don't love you but they don't understand why you have to do what you are doing. They feel pained as well as disappointed that you are rejecting everything they represent hence their decision too to reject you for the purpose of making you come back to your senses.

God may be using this period to really test your suitability as well willingness to sustain your new faith, and carry out the assignment He has for you.

Your friend wasn't the one who called you. You were called by God to do an assignment for Him. You are all alone and going through all these pains because you are putting your faith and trust in the wrong places. Because you are still a neo-natal in His hands, if you open your mouth to ask of Him anything now, He would instantly grant your request. He is only waiting for you to display your trust in Him by spreading out your hands wide for Him to lift you up.

There is no way a father or mother can carry a child without the indication or willingness of the child to be carried.

He is right there watching over you and ready to help you make all these easy if only you ask Him personally and not a friend who may have introduced you but who doesn't care enough to leave you with a manual.

There is no religious change without pains. It has nothing to do with Christianity but with all the fears of change wired into the human system. It is this fear that has made your family and friends reject you completely. They are very afraid of the effect it would have on them all as well as the implication for the family.

If it is any consolation, you don't have the copyright for this challenge. There are several people like you who went through more excruciating experiences when they decided to make a U-turn from their family traditions.

It is the concomitant sacrifices that go with the package of change. From nothing, you will rise to something before you know it.

But for now, you have to endure the harsh treatment from this friend, while you attach yourself to a church. By asking God for help, would direct you to a church where you would get all the help you need to smile again.

It is well. Determination and trust will make this journey of change more endurable.

Good luck.

My Son Toys With Essence Of My Motherhood

Dear Agatha,

It has become a difficult task to raise my young boy now in JSS 2.

I am shocked to see how he changed from being a good boy to a very bad one that he is now. He refuses to write his notes in school, read his books at home or even do his assignments at all. He has suddenly become too stubborn that he has even begun stealing my money.

From what I heard, he has become a sort of Father Christmas to everybody in his school, including his seniors.

His new passion is to make friends with people older than him, mostly those who have no vision in life.

His performance in school has dropped too low despite the fact that he is an intelligent boy. And what beats me hollow is his apparent lack of care.

Being a single parent, he knows that life hasn’t been easy for me and that I am going through a lot of hardship raising his school fees each term. He is not showing any remorse and seems not ready to change.

The worse is the fact that no method of discipline seems to be working for me at all. I love him so much. I have exhausted every means I know including force, love, and persuasion.

I know that I would be held responsible for whatever he becomes in future. I am beginning to feel that I really do not know how to handle or raise children, otherwise, why is he not responding to my measures?

I really accept all these as my faults, which is why I want to be taught how to improve and become a good and responsible mother to him. I do a menial, and since I have to make ends meet, I ensure I put in extra hours while my younger sister is always at home. And I expect her to help out but it seems she isn’t doing much.

I will really appreciate some sort of guidelines that can help me raise this child in a Godly way.

Concerned Mother.

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Dear Concerned Mother,

Let me start by assuring you that no parent really has the magic to rearing perfect children. It takes the special grace of God to produce acceptable children. If any parent tells you, he or she has the panacea to perfect children, that person is a liar, because any thing can go wrong in and with the process of child moulding.

I assure you that one of the most dreadful and difficult assignments on earth is parenting. Child nurturing can really be a torture and pain in the neck.

Not even acclaimed men and women of God can boost of having the right key to children training. Many parents have overtime found themselves falling flat on their faces when otherwise perfect children at home turn out to be real monsters in school.

Although it is most difficult with some children than others but generally speaking, it is like constantly sitting on a board of sharp edge nails. You never know what to expect when it comes to children. Even if your rules are guaranteed to work for your children, it is only for as long as it takes them to mix with other children whose behaviours you have no control over. Because no man is an island, and for this reason parents cannot influence effectively as friends they keep in school or other places they frequent, peer influences as well as other social values constantly being marketed by the society vis-à-vis the media always interfere from time to time with whatever training a child gets at home.

Then again the teenage years are the most difficult to manage because the child, due to all the hormonal changes going on, thinks freedom is at hand. The avalanche of confusion generated by the hormones makes the teenager particularly rebellious and so anti-reforms.

This is the threshold your child has found himself. He thinks the changes going on in his body have made him an adult with all the concomitant freedom to do as he pleases.

Your role as the mother is to give him support while educating him on how his new lifestyle can destroy him forever. This is the time he needs your support, attention, care and experience. Don’t let him see your anger at what he is doing to himself instead let him see the pains, anger and disappointment of what he is doing to himself.

He wants you to be angry so he can use it as an excuse to remain bad. Don’t give him the satisfaction. I appreciate the justification of your anger but it isn’t the wise thing to do right now else you would be driving him farther off from you.

Show him unconditional love; confront him with both the strength and vulnerability only mothers know how to combine to their advantages. There is no way your sister can do it for you. This is a job only a mother who loves a child can do.

Ask him why he has taken to stealing. Listen to what he has to say, it may be a sign of protest against what you are doing, or to get you to pay more attention to him.

Being a boy without a father could be very challenging for him. You must at all times be there for him.

To help you understand him better, try to remember your teenage years and how you dealt with issues. Your understanding and love are what would always make the difference as the years roll by.

You also need to be close to God so it would be easier for you to introduce him to the only Father that has the powers to make all the difference in his life.

Good luck.

Can God’s Perfect-will Make Us Perfect-match?

Dear Agatha,

A question came up during a discussion with some friends and we were unable to resolve it. In the context of our belief in a God who has a perfect-will for all His children, is it right and biblical to suppose that each individual has one unique life partner?

If yes, what happens for instance, when owing to wrong choices, the person uniquely made for us finds him or herself in somebody else's arms? Do we wait till death do them part and possibly ourselves die in the process or do we displace someone else by taking their unique match? If no, what happens to God's perfect will?

Chidi.

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Dear Chidi,

The story of creation lends credence to God’s specifics for us. He made Eve from Adam’s rib. Therefore from every man, He has extracted a rib to make his mate. There is no way another man’s rib would fit into another man perfectly. To have a perfect relationship physically, there must be a spiritual harmony, which is what the rib represents.

Doubtless, we all come with our unique partners that is why some marriages despite obvious lapses in the character and attitude of either of the partners still manage to have a flawless relationship whereas, two seemingly good mannered people have problems making their marriage work.

The problem come from the beginning; the conflict in our beings when our choices conflict with the plans of God for us. Many a time, we insist on our own desires against the real plans God has designed for us. Most times, God allows us the freedom to our ways because right from the beginning He gave us to each and everyone of us the choice of a freewill.

This is why when some of us are going against His Will; He looks the other way, refusing to help us do things His way because He isn’t a dictator.

Marriage falls under one of the many mysteries of life. Although it has a master plan from God but like all the choices we make in life, such plans get derailed along the line either through the choices we make or through our own carelessness as well as thorough understanding of what we are getting into.

Of all the institutions in the world, the marriage is the only one that must stand on the tripod to succeed very well. The physical must at all times find a correspondence with the spirit and the soul to achieve perfection. But unfortunately, most marriages only have the physical formation to go by.

These are marriages based on physical or material consideration. More often than not, the mistakes come from the women who think that unless a man is handsome and rich, he can never make a good husband or provide for his family. This line of thinking is being helped by massive global trends to materialism. Advertisers these days, and unfortunately, religious leaders sell the message of prosperity being the hallmark of God’s personal seal of approval of a person’s effort. They present success in alluring colours and attractive packages while ignoring the resources and investment within.

Because of this trend, nobody likes to be part of anybody’s beginning or support any dream in conception. People only like to be part of a ready-made dream not the beginning of it.

Therefore anybody who appears less successful, no matter how beautiful and dependable that person is, gets relegated to the background or completely ignored by a society that seems to have lost its value or the place of God in things.

This same attitude has found its way into choices of life partners. Many intending couples no longer care about potentials but existing evidences of a person’s profitability as a life partner.

When through our own warped choices or inactions find ourselves or supposed right choices in the arms of other, the way out is to fall into God’s alternative plans for us. For every plan He always has an alternative. When man fell from grace in the Garden of Eden, he instantly put an alternative plan for man’s salvation because nature abhors vacuum.

Once the original plan suffers a setback, it becomes inevitable for one to find another person to fill the void to prevent the greater calamity of loneliness, frustration and moral bankruptcy.

The alternative may not necessarily offer premium satisfaction but produces friendship, understanding, respect, tolerance and sense of responsibility. It may not have the above extra value embedded in perfect choices but would have near perfect result with more determination as well as dedication. The passion may not be exactly right but the friendship as well as respect that comes with second best choices also make marriage satisfactory because there is a meeting of the physical and the spirit.

However, problems become glaring with alternative choices when the choices are based solely on physical considerations. Something has to be felt deep from within to make whatever choice we end up living with amiable to us and ultimately allow God a place in our lives. Being His children He is forever on the look out for our well-being and doesn’t stop at ensuring that His mercy covers us always, only if we learn to put all our trusts in Him.

Good luck.

Any Better Lover Between Old Man, Young "Okada" Rider?

Dear Agatha,

Recently I made a special request to God through prayers to give me a loving, caring, dedicated and devoted Christian for a husband. Immediately after the prayers, two men came to me asking for my hand in marriage but told them I have to pray over it. However, my confusion comes from the fact that one of these men who fits into my ideal man is old enough to be my father while the second man, young boy, but an Okada rider. Besides, I don’t know how deep is his relationship with God.

Please I need your help.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

The answer lies deep in your heart. If you have really prayed to it and God has given you an answer, don’t argue His answers because to do that, would amount to mortgaging your happiness.

The issue here is the form in which your request is coming. The man who fits into your bill of an ideal man is old enough to be your father. This is the bother. The truth is you are not comfortable with God’s apparent choice for you.

To get out of the maze of confusion this has put you, it is pertinent you ask and answer these questions. How do you feel about this man who appears to have met all your requirements? Would you ever be able to parade him as your husband in the presence of your friends, accord him all the respect he deserves as your husband? Will you ever be able to love him and everything he represents?

It is very important you sort these issues out before giving your commitment to him. Remember when you put your petitions before God; you didn’t give Him any age specifications. So, you cannot blame Him but yourself for the situation you have found yourself.

Because life doesn’t always come in clear colours from the beginning, for your sake, give yourself time to know this man. For instance, is he married? Has he ever been married? How many children does he have? Why is he still searching for a wife at his age? What do you two have in common and if he has been married, what happened in his first marriage? Did the former wife die or are they separated? If divorced, why? Why does he think he would find better quality of happiness with you? What about his children? How would they feature in your new lives together if you agree to go with him?

Naturally, given his age, these are issues that both of you have to deal with and which is making his choice for you so unattractive. Getting married to a man his age is really no tea party because unlike a younger man, an old man’s past must be taken into consideration when marrying again. An old man’s past can never be divorced from whatever new life he hopes to start again.

However, if you are serious about going along with God in His choice for you, you must never allow the burden that comes with this choice intimidates you at all. If the choice comes from God, these challenges would disappear one after the other since He would never give us a burden too heavy for us to carry.

There is always no harm in going back to Him in prayers for more directives especially as you are unable to read with clarity the current answers. Because you are involved, enlist the help of your pastor or the prayer warriors to help you get very clear picture.

Until you get clear direction, don’t make up your mind because God’s ways are never our ways. He sees the end from the beginning and knows what is best for us.

Good luck.