Help Vicious Circle Runs In My Family

Dear Agatha.

I thank you for your effort concerning both the old and young in this country and the great job you are doing for the society.

Agatha, I have a big problem and I don’t know what to do. My mother was never married to my father. They met in school and had me. When I was 16, I got pregnant for this guy. I had two children by him. During my second pregnancy, he impregnated another lady.

As a result, we now live apart. The most painful thing is he took my one-year old son to his father in his village in Anang, Ikot Ekpene. Because I was still breastfeeding the baby at the time he took it away, the baby refused to eat and it became sick. The baby eventually died in their village. I wasn’t told. I only learned about it through my cousin when I travelled to my hometown.

Agatha, at just 18, my life seems to have stopped. Even though one of my children is dead, I am a mother two times over.

I don’t know what to do. I seem to be toeing my mother’s footsteps, but the difference between my mother and I is that she has my brother and I as compensation.

Agatha, what is happening to us?

Princess.

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Dear Princess,

Your mother is the cause of all that is happening to you. Having gone through the experience of single motherhood, she should have done everything humanly possible to prevent her own daughter from doing the same. She should have protected you from the same situations and vices that made her have you and your brother outside wedlock and at the age she did.

She certainly failed in her duties towards you. Being a girl, she should have sat you down when she noticed the changes in your body to tell you about the danger of going all the way with a man. At 16, when you became pregnant with your first child, you had no business sleeping with men.

Even if the first pregnancy was a mistake, she should have ensured the second one didn’t happen by giving you all the love, care and attention you needed to bounce back from the first mistake. Had she offered to take the child, encouraged you to go back to school or whatever it was that you were doing before you got pregnant, this unpleasant situation in your life could have been avoided.

However it is never too late to pick up the shattered pieces of your life if you so wish. We all make mistakes in life but the difference between success and failure is our ability to transform the mistake into strength. There is no greater teacher or drive than experience.

From the ashes of your nasty and unpleasant experiences, you now have the drive you never had to make something meaningful out of this life. Even if life seems a bit of a mess now, the experience must have left you more determined to avoid the mistakes of your mother and the ones you made. You now know how to protect a daughter from falling from grace to grass if you are sensible and a good student of history.

From your mistakes, you now know when to demonstrate love, care and attention to your child. You now know it is the duty of mothers to set standards for their children especially their daughters. That no matter the difficult situation a mother finds herself, it is incumbent on a woman to set the standards for her daughters and to always protect their ways with prayers.

Since you have realised that something is wrong with the way your mother brought you up and that you are suffering this problem because of her mistakes, seek the face of God immediately to break the curse your mother has invited into your family. Ask God to direct you to a powerful deliverance minister of God who would help you stop it from being a foundational problem among your daughters.

Losing a child is one of the worst experiences a woman can go through. It is painful and agonising but there is nothing you can do to bring back that child. What has happened has, you can’t change that. From now, be determined to give your surviving child the best. Go and get a job to support yourself and the child. Ensure the child is
protected from all the negative exposures you experienced. Instill in the child the ways of the Lord and make the Bible his or her best book.

The danger of allowing this situation overwhelm you is, you may never be able to rise again. So be strong for yourself and your surviving child. Trust God not to allow what befell you happen again in your lineage.

If there is a way you can help your mother realise her mistake, don’t hesitate. And please don’t hold any grudge against her. You just have to find it within you to forgive her and put the all the mistakes of the past behind you if you really want to be rid of these problems. You don’t walk with God with bitterness in your heart and life.

Always remember that you went though what happened for a reason. God never allows things happen to use without His own reason. Lean and learn from Him always.

Good luck.

He Says I Must Wear G-String

Dear Agatha,

I’m in my early 40s with grownup children. My last child is in JSS 3 and I’ve been married for close to 21 years, though I’m a graduate with a fairly good job.

I put the interest of my children first. My husband and friends all think I’m boring because I hardly socialise. I’m an introvert whereas my husband is an extrovert.

I have always known my husband for his passion for women and fashion trends. To be frank, I sometimes wonder how our marriage survived all these years because several times I have caught him red-handed with different women but each time he comes back to beg, I forgive and forget.

A lot of my friends think I’m too soft and stupid but Agatha, I never used to be like this. Twice I’ve packed out and would have done so last year when I caught him with another woman at one of the many hotels he visits. It was you who stopped me from doing so because of the advice you gave a woman who was having similar problems. In your reply to that woman, you pleaded for patience and plenty of understanding. Your usual recourse to God remains your strongest point. In that article it was like addressing my problems directly because of the things you said then, I stayed.

Thinking back now maybe I should have gone ahead with my plans because nothing has improved between us.

His phones are filled with sexy messages from various women. The pains I feel can only be imagined. I get this feeling that you preach patience because you have never experienced pains and humiliation in your marriage, that you are one of those lucky women God specially blessed. I honestly don’t mean to be rude because I respect you a lot but do you know what it feels like to be in a bad marriage? Do you know the pains and panic of my husband coming home because I know he is going to pick a fight with me for no just reason or knowing he is with another woman and I can’t do anything about it? It is very frustrating and killing.

The latest bother is that he has come up with one of the most ridiculous ideas of all time. He wants me to wear G-string and beads round my waist. I don’t need anybody to tell me where he got the idea. He must have been seeing them on his girlfriends and wants me in them.

When I tried discussing the matter with him, he said my attitude and lack of adventurous spirit is the reason he started having those affairs. He insists I must do as he wants or consider the marriage over.

When I told my pastor about it, he said I should ignore him that beads and G-string pants were not for Christian women. He said only unbelievers and women of easy virtue wore those pagan things.

My husband, when summoned, told the pastor pointedly that it was either I wore those things or pack out of his house. He told the pastor that my duty as his wife was to obey him.

Agatha, at over 40, how can I learn to wear beads and G-string and not feel ridiculous? Please tell me what to do to make my husband change his mind. I’m honestly fed up with the whole thing. I’m beginning to regret my marriage to him.

Hanny

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Dear Hanny,

To regret is to give up on your marriage and husband. To quit is to say you failed to make the difference when it mattered the most. God is still in the business of answering prayers and doing the impossible.

As a Christian, I’m sure you appreciate that the Christian journey is not without pains and difficulties. And as a mother of grownup children, what would you tell your daughters in future if they come to you for advice over a similar problem? Tell them to give up on their marriages? I’m sure you won’t do that.

I think you should give thanks to God for this little miracle. At least you now know why he is having all those affairs you have caught him in. Not all women have the privilege of being told by their men where they went wrong.

What is the big deal in wearing a G-string and beads to make your man happy? Since he is the one demanding for them, what is the problem? It isn’t as if the idea is coming from you and he is opposed to it. For him to have told you shows willingness on his part to make the marriage work, so why not help him?

Unless you plan on advertising the fact to the whole world that, you are wearing a G-string and beads, these are for the eyes of the only person authorised in the world to see your nakedness.

I’m sure you know that your pastor cannot dictate what happens in your home or overturn what your husband wants. He can only advise you but the ultimate decision is your husband’s. It is also wrong for him to brand women who wear beads and G-strings as women of easy virtue or pagans. There is nothing indecent about underwear because it is private and at the discretion of the two persons in the relationship.

What your pastor feels is not what your husband wants. If you fail to entice him back to yourself and marriage with such sexy underwear, don’t forget there are other women ready to steal him away from you so be sensible and do what would make your home and man happy.

I preach patience and tolerance because that is what God demands of me. Contrary to what you think. I have deep scars from my marriage but they have helped in making me the person I am now. Those scars, though deep, remind me that in life, the best things don’t come easy, that a lot of pains, embarrassments, humiliations and agony go into refining the best of gold. Ask the goldsmith, he would tell you the battle he goes through with the fire to refine those precious ornaments we all adorn with pleasure. If you must know, I’m still in the battlefront, trying to make up for all the mistakes and hasty decisions. No marriage is a bed of roses. For a lot of us, our scars are within, they can never heal completely but with time, they become an integral part of our existence. We all have our secret pains and stories. But you know what? God usually makes ways where there seems to be none. He sometimes allows us to go through that valley to shape us into better human beings. So when I tell you to endure a problematic marriage or situation, it is because I know how it feels and that no situation is beyond God. I’m who and what I am because of those experiences I have gathered till date.

Prayers, fasting and absolute trust in God have never failed to do the magic as I have found out in my case. No matter how long the results take in coming keep praying and fasting to make the difference in your marriage. And please, for the sake of your happiness open up a bit. It would go a long way in keeping your home. Try to give him some of the excitements he goes out to find. It isn’t too much to do for someone you love so much. Learn to be as exciting as the many women he goes out to find.

Good luck.

I Prefer New Marriage To Reunion With My Ex

Dear Agatha,

I am in my mid 40s. Several years ago, my husband that fathered my two children and I went our different ways due to irreconcilable differences. Shortly after, he got married while I decided to remain single hoping he would one day come back to me.

Over the years, all attempts by me to re-establish contact with him were rebuffed. Either the wife or the husband would call back to insult me. Once I had reason to remind him that legally, the court hadn’t annulled our marriage, especially since we wedded in the Registry.

But over time, I soon forgot about her and my ex, giving them enough space to live their lives. Besides, I didn’t have any reason to go to him for anything since God was on my side, helping me with the children and also establishing me in other areas of my life.

Granted, the story of my life hasn’t been an easy one but at every difficult turn God has always been there for me.

Feelings and proposals have come and gone but none strong enough to entice me into matrimony again. With the children away in school, it has become glaring that I need a companion to fill the void the absence of the children has created within me.

This prompted me to consider my most recent proposal. We have tentatively fixed early next year for our wedding but now there is a complication as my ex husband’s friends are now appealing on his behalf. According to them, for a long time now he has come to the realisation that he made a fatal mistake abandoning our marriage and shunning me the way he did.

Now they want me to come back to him to help him build his life again. Although he has not come physically to beg, his friends say I should ignore the existence of the other woman in his house. That being his first wife and the mother of his first set of children, I owe it to my children and me to come back to my husband. When I told them of the existence of another man in my life as well as my planned wedding date, they said, it was best I come back to my first home because starting with another man means fighting fresh battles.

My family doesn’t support my going back to a man who doesn’t even have the guts to come on his own. His children who are both undergraduates too don’t want anything to do with their father.

Since leaving us, not once did he bother with the children. For almost two decades, their responsibilities have been mine alone to shoulder. Ordinarily I have a lot of reasons to ignore him but forced by the uncertainty of tomorrow to tarry to weigh my options carefully.

My new man is a widower with all his four children out of the nest. We have talked extensively about our differences and being more matured, have come to accept our shortcomings as an inevitable part of the package.

Deep down I prefer this older man given the history of my stormy marriage with my ex but I am still very confused and require your usual impartial opinion on this matter. All these matter of reconciliation began three months ago and till now my ex hasn’t come to see me personally on the matter.

Martha.

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Dear Martha,

The choice is ultimately yours. It boils down to what would make you happier in the end hence you must listen to the music of your heart intensively to know the appropriate dance steps.

One thing you must never lose sight of is the fact that your ex hasn’t said anything on this matter. Only his friends appear to be the ones talking. If he is serious at all, he should be in the forefront of this reconciliatory bid, championing it and not his friends.

Whatever promises or assurances his friends are giving you would be implemented by him so why is he not part of the negotiation? There are issues like that of his current wife his friends cannot speak for him. For instance, he has to tell you personally how he intends settling both of you. Who packs in and who packs out if the idea of sharing your man appeals to you?

Frankly, getting rid of her isn’t going to be as easy as you think. Not only has she lived longer than you did with him but also has children whose interests too have to be factored into this development. While a man can send away his wife, he cannot turn his back on his children.

Besides, don’t ignore the fact that this woman would also have her supporters in the family who would resist any attempt to bring you back.

As a matter of fact, the challenge you would be facing with your ex would be enormous, as the woman in the house would fight to keep her territory intact. There is no way she and the children would allow you to come without putting up a fight even if you are his first wife.

Even though the argument of his friends seem valid that going back to your former would save you problems that would arise from marrying into a new family it isn’t also a guarantee against fresh and more dangerous spiritual and physical battles with your ex.

What you should do first is to look at both men. Beyond the issue his friends have raised to support your going back, do you have any compelling reasons for wanting to go back to him? Do you have any feeling for him at all? Do you think the situation that led to your separation has disappeared? Whatever reasons he may have for wanting to quit his second marriage shows that a lot of things aren’t too right about him. It would save you a lot of problems to find out why he seems to be fluctuating.

Alongside, look at the reasons your heart picked the new man out of the many that came your way. Something special and appealing about him must have arrested your heart to make you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

When put alongside with what you feel for your ex, which one comes top? Again you have to consider the possibility of mischief on the part of your ex and his friends who may be out to create confusion in order to stop you from being happy all through your life.

This is because the ideal thing would have been for your ex to sort things out with his current wife before coming to you. Coming to you while the other woman is still under his roof and ignorant of his move is a very tricky proposition that demands a lot of consideration on your path to avoid more pains later in life.

At this important stage in your life, your happiness is the most important thing. Don’t, out of sentiments, take a decision that would please people but end up causing you severe pains at the end of it all.

Honestly you need prayers and wisdom to get through with this. Go back to God and ask him through prayers what He expects of you because this is a very critical stage of your life, a second chance for you to be happy. You really owe it to yourself to be happy hence be bold enough to do what suits you the most. Remember you don’t have any apology at your age to offer to anybody.

Good luck.

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Gold Diggers Surround Me, Need Good Girl To Revamp My Life

Dear Agatha,

I am 31 years of age and first son of seven children from the same mother. I grew up in a very disciplined home. My father is now a retired school principal and my mother is a fashion designer. My mother was the stronger of my parents. My father, the quiet one and never encouraged third party intervention in his life.

My mother took advantage of the disposition of her husband to do what she liked while my father willingly paid the bills. Since it was working for them, nobody complained.

I was very fast in my early education as I obtained my Ordinary Diploma at the age of 18 from the Auchi Polytechnic. My younger sister of 16 years of age was taken to Italy to trade her body for sex. This was the sole decision of my mother who ignored my father’s objection. She didn’t have any excuse because though living in the village we were comfortable.

Being an educationist, my father ensured we were all in schools. Fortunately, my sister met a white man who paid the woman who paid her way to Italy. Today, she is married with three children and has two houses in G.R.A, Benin.

Before her freedom, she was always sending money home, which only my mother knew about. And because my father opposed her source of wealth, she never allowed my father forget when it comes to the issue of him benefiting from my sister’s money.
Through the help of my father, one of his relations agreed to send me to Greece when I was 19 years of age.

Even though life was difficult for me in that country, I was sending money home constantly through my mother to protect my father from problems with her if I should send money through him. Knowing he would never get anything from the money I send through my mother, I secretly took to sending him money to keep his body and soul together.

Four years in Greece, I was fed up so I moved to Italy. I couldn’t stand the moral bankruptcy of Nigerian girls in Italy hence found my way to Germany after only two months in that country. Because of what I witnessed in Italy, I vowed never to marry any girl in Europe because as the saying goes here, they are all retired commercial sex
workers (CSW). Even when they leave to do something else, they are said to be on holiday.

The early days in Germany were difficult until my ex white girlfriend came to my rescue. Through her we went to Sweden and today I am a citizen there. I was able to complete my education and got a good job thereafter.

Today, through my help, an elder sister of mine and two other younger brothers are also in this country while I continued to send money home to my parents.

When it was becoming obvious that age was no longer on my side, I pressured my father especially to look for a wife for me. He got me a girl who turned out to be very unwise. Although from a very humble background, against my mother’s opposition I agreed to marry her by proxy. I began to send her a monthly up-keep of N35,000 in addition to getting her an apartment.

When I came to Nigeria, she got pregnant and had a son for me. To my displeasure, I discovered all the money I sent her was given to her mother to trade, refusing my child first priority. I was angry about it and lodged my complaint with her mother.

To guard against it, her mother told me to open an account for her which I did and deposited N150, 000 for her. But the real challenge came when she decided to move her sisters into the flat I rented for her without my permission. As a matter of fact it was my younger brother who told me about it after his visit to the house. When I complained again, her mother threatened to pressure her daughter into terminating the pregnancy she was carrying for me.

As a result, she insulted my brother and warned him never to come to her house again. When I heard this, I told my parents to send her packing from the flat. She went back to staying with her mother in the village.

I discovered that her mother was only interested in my money. My pain is that the girl is fond of listening to her mother prompting me to tell my parents all I have done for her secretly. This prompted my mother to go and fight the girl’s mother. Now the challenge in my life is to take my son away from his mother and get married to another woman. I have made up my mind not to have anything to do with her, even sending her N300,000 as settlement money.

Agatha, how can I find a woman who isn’t after my money? How can I know a girl for just one month and think of marriage? Who will now help me care for my son when I bring him over? How can I recognise a lady who will stay with me through thick and thin?

A woman or wife is the backbone of everyman, and I really want a wife that loves me for who I am and not for what I have. Except for our last-child all my siblings are married with their own families. The question now, must I be a slave to all these self-thinking people and my mother? I need help as I am dying in silence

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

You are your own problem. Perhaps the success of your sojourn abroad has made you lose touch with reality as well as realistic approach to issues.

In the first instance, there is no offence in what the girl has done to warrant you to send your parents to drive a pregnant woman out of her home simply because she brought her sisters to stay with her.

For goodness sake, being pregnant and alone at home, there is no way she would not need another person staying in the house with her in case of emergency. Even though she was wrong not to have informed you, your reactions were extreme so also were the reactions of your parents.

They should have cautioned you against your actions. Honestly, you failed to protect the girl and your unborn child from the influence of your family making you too as guilty as she is when you accused her of tilting towards her mother.

Under the circumstances you both met and married, there is no way you can completely wean her of her mother’s influence. The reason is simple, despite carrying your child, you are still a stranger to her and what more, and you live millions of miles away from her. It couldn’t have been easy for her. Being young and pregnant, there is no way she could have coped on her own with all the transitions going on in her life.

Were you around, it could have been a different case but with you not there by her side to help with the early morning sickness, the sluggishness of some women during pregnancy, drive away the loneliness of the young woman whose body would naturally crave the company of her man, the warmth and support of her family became her next choice.

It was very wrong of you to have denied her the pleasure of her family’s company just as it was very ungentlemanly for you to have gone to your parents to tell them everything you did for the woman you called your wife. What you did is part of your responsibilities as her man, so you haven’t done anything you shouldn’t do. To have gone to your parents with the information of what happened in your home shows you may be old in terms of age but clearly lack the maturity to handle a woman and your affairs as a man.

Besides, it wasn’t the mother you had business with but the woman whose body is housing your child. If the mother made demands of you in her capacity or she gave the money meant for her upkeep to her mother, the least you should have done is to caution her against it, insisting that the money meant for the upkeep of the baby must be used for the purpose it was sent.

There is no way she would have allowed the baby suffered on account of lack of funds. She probably gave money to her mother to start something out of the abundance she has and out of a desire to help the family too through her good fortune.

The truth is this, if you continue to act irrationally and give your family free rein to control your home and affairs, what happened now would happen all over again. When your brother came with the report of your sisters-in-law presence in your house, the right thing should have been to call your wife to ask why she took the decision without telling you first.

You should have ended the matter there and then until you have the chance to come home to resolve whatever disagreement you had with the arrangement.

One of the fundamental lessons you should keep from this whole experience is never to expose your immediate family to the politics of the extended family to protect your own peace of mind, as a man. At the end of the day, you are the one left with the ache and loneliness of driving away your woman and son. Your parents still have the comfort of each other despite their differences and your brother, the comfort of his friends while you are all alone.

Marriage is all about the good, bad and ugly. Eventually, everything will find its level just like your father has learnt to live with your mother despite their pronounced difference.

Until the child comes of age, you may not get custody of your son. And as for all the questions you asked, the important thing is for you to first of all take stock of you life to enable you know what will work for you. There is no way you can move forward, if you don’t have a clear vision of what you want from life and what is most important to you.

Frankly, the answer to your problem is with you.

Good luck.

At 17, I’m Addicted To Active Sex

Dear Agatha,

I am sexually active please help by telling me how to stop it. I started it right from when I was 12 and now I am 17 years old.

My parents don’t know anything about it and I am an only child. I am trying to stop but it isn’t working. Please help me.

Oyin.

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Dear Oyin,

Sex is one of life’s greatest addictions. It takes extreme determination for anyone to stop it. At 17, it will certainly take an extra ounce of determination to end your early addiction to sex.

This is because through your early awareness years, you have been dependent on it. Whether you like it or not, sex has become an enormous part of your life. It is like trying to disinterest yourself from the food, which has given you so much joy and satisfaction for years.

When fighting an addiction, the first thing is to admit to the problem it is causing in your life. To do this, be honest and factual.

Why did you go into early sex? Can you recall how it all started, the thoughts that raced through your mind on the day you were initiated and the promises of excitement you thought went with the package?

Five years down the road and with all the experiences you have gathered, how do you still feel about sex? Do you still see it the most exciting thing in your life?

For you what meaningful achievements have you recorded from being sexually active? If it were that rewarding how come your parents are ignorant of it?

That you want to stop shows that you are not happy with what you have done to yourself, the reputation and tarnished image you now have. Had anyone tried to stop you then, would you have listened, pointed you at the shortcoming, danger and dejection that follow premature sex?

No, you would have fought that person but life is a good teacher, always there to reward whatever step we take.

To stop, remember all the negative feelings, the gossips as well as impressions your being sexually active have implanted in the minds of men, most who come to have what they have within their circles christened ‘the national cake.’

The bitter effect of you not being able to hold your heads high when you walk past men, not knowing if a man is approaching you for true friendship or because he wants only the pleasure of your body are enough motivation to make you stop this destructive habit.

Also consider the future. How would you feel if your parents ever find out about this past especially being their only child?

How would you feel in the future if the men who devoured you go ahead to marry other women and begin their own families while you, who they have helped to destroy her womb through series of abortions, is unable to have a child?

Honestly, I sympathise with your situation but it would become something of a tragedy if you were unable to put a lid on your sexual feelings because your body, as a woman, has its limitations to endurance and abuse.

One day, if care is not taken, all the abuses you have subjected it to would all come back to you and by then it would be when you need the body the most.

Apart from the health implication, there is also the spiritual implication that accrues from a woman sleeping with different men. Spiritually, sex itself is a covenant between a man and woman, hence each time two people have sex a subtle covenant is exchanged. If unfortunate to meet a woman or man who has some strong spiritual complications, such is passed on to his or her partner during sex.

This is why some people begin to suffer from things that are alien in their own family settings. If you look back into your life what are you doing that is different from what women in your family are doing? Can you detect any strange behaviour, which makes you feel different from all the others?

These are the reasons for you to stop this bad habit once and for all. Sex will never go away. It is something you will indulge in till you die provided you have the strength to go on.

As you have discovered, the pains of early indulgence is usually more devastating. It is needless because after a while sex loses its mystery and excitement, except done in love, between two people who are in love and matured enough to handle it, it is as worthless as a used tissue paper. This is because the entire process of sex itself takes less than three minutes. It is the love that married couples put into it that transforms its ordinary status to something extra spectacular. What you are doing to yourself end up demeaning everything about you. At the end of it all you are without the peace and happiness with which to enjoy your age.

By even striving to end your addiction, you earn for yourself peace and happiness.

One of the surest ways is go back to God for help through prayers. He sees and knows your heart. He understands that by the time you went into it, you lacked the knowledge of the harm you were bringing on, and at that age, you were too tender at heart to take responsibilities for your actions.

Now you know and want something new. This, God understands and will willingly provide you with the strength to make things work for you. Everyday, you wake, put in front of your mirror, two images of you: one, a successful you, happy in the company of your husband and children while another, a lonely you without a companion to share your life with.

When next the urge comes, look into the image of a lonely you and listen to what your heart tells about it. Go through your Bible daily and avoid people or friends that help you to refresh the addiction.

By changing your lifestyle to a quiet one, refusing to be lured into what the crowd think is the in-thing, it makes easy your task to change for good.

If you are in Lagos, please don’t hesitate to come to our head-office at 7D Wempco Road, Ogba. I would really like to have a chat with you. Being an only child is also taking its toll on you and we need to talk about the quality of parenting you have been exposed to. It is imperative because your cure has to be wholesome to free you from the prison of your past.

Good luck.

I Lack Right Words To Woo Woman…

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the work you are doing. I am almost 17 years of age and have this problem of talking to girls. I find it hard to talk to girls and make new friends, the girls I know are all my childhood friends. It isn’t that I am shy but I just don’t know what to say to a girl that I want to be friends with. I feel bad when I see my friends relating freely with girls while I can’t. I know my education is my priority, but I want a normal life. Your advice please.

Michael.

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Dear Michael,

Everyman has his day with women whether shy or not. At 17, you still have a whole world to explore. Besides, at your age, you don’t need the complications of a romantic relationship. It will only serve to distract you for now. What you need are friends, males and females. And since you don’t have problem chatting a female friend it follows that the problem is actually in knowing the right words to communicate your romantic feelings to a girl you feel something for.

It has become a problem to you because you want to impress, you want to use words that show that you have arrived in your mastery of English Language. The act to impress and not make a fool of yourself is what is causing you to lose confidence and make you tongue-tied.

There is no need for you to try so hard to impress a woman because you will end up losing her in the end when she discovers that you are a fake. One of life’s greatest gifts is learning to make do with what you have and what you are.

A woman has to learn from day one to accept your person and what you have to offer. If your English is limited, don’t aim for what you don’t have else you would end up making a devastating fool of yourself and losing the chance to have a meaningful relationship with her.

One other thing, which makes it difficult for some men to catch the attention of a woman, is when a man comes with the phrase of being in love with her on the very first day. Love isn’t that cheap. It presents the man as not being serious and a playboy.

Therefore, to help make things easy for you, when you see a woman you fancy, restrict yourself to the things that attracted you to her like her choice of dress, colours, comportment or her beauty. These are things she can identify with, and things she knows are true but also secretly want to be complimented for. Once you are able to secure her attention, continue to sustain her interest by talking about general subjects like the weather, politics or the society itself. Asking her about her interest will further aid conversations between the two of you.

As you get to know her through successive contacts, the opportunity of being friends would have been created just as it offers you the chance of knowing whom she really is and how to present your proposal without offending her sensibilities as a woman.

As for being jealous of your friends, don’t be, because jealousy will only destroy you and further eat into your confident level. Your time will definitely come, so learn to be happy.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I need a female friend from any part of the country. I’m 32 years old and working in a company in Lagos.

I am fair in completion.

An interested man should please contact me on this number 08036728290

Thanks

Uche.

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Dear Agatha,

I would soon be 48 and retired two years ago. I am divorced and a firm Christian. I am lonely and would desire to have a Christian man who loves Jesus Christ as I do. I reside in Abeokuta.

An interested man should contact me through this number, 08052238249.

After 12 Years, My First Love Dumps Me...

Dear Agatha,

I want to share my experience with you and want you to advise me accordingly. There is this girl I have been dating since secondary school days. I was in Senior Secondary School class one when we started. That was 12 years ago.

I honestly thought we had it all going but recently, she told me to my face that she has doubts about us.

Honestly this isn't the first time she is saying such thing. This would be the third time. This time, it was different because she told me of her need to have a back up to me.

The first time she complained about the distance our relationship had to endure. Because of this, she actually left me to date another man only to come back to complain about the physical molestation the guy was subjecting her to. She actually begged me to forgive her so I took her back with no reference to what happened between us, whereas, she had rejected me for less offence. But being my first love, there is nothing I won't do for her even at some cost to my person and comfort.

The guy she said she keeps for backup is based abroad. Recently he sent her a picture of the car he bought her all in an attempt to win her heart but I am worried she would meet with disappointments from the way I see things.

I am 25 years of age and had just finished my university education. I am currently waiting for my call up letter while she is still a part time student based in Lagos while I am in Ogun State. I love her dearly, likewise my entire family. If you ask me now who I would love to spend the rest of my life with, I would pick her without hesitation. Yet problem is now knocking on my door. What should I do?

Martins.

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Dear Martins,

Allow her be. At this stage, there is nothing you tell her or do which would make her change her mind because it is obvious that she is determined to go ahead with this new relationship.

There is no teacher like experience. Liken what is happening to her to a child determined to romance fire. Nothing the mother does or says would prevent the curious child from touching the flames of a naked fire.

Only the experience of the pains inflicted by the fire can prevent the child from going near fire again. The attractions of a car as well as the lure of going abroad are two powerful incentives for any young materialistic girl to resist.

Compared to life abroad, she feels what you have to offer her is dull and unattractive.
Your concerns for her now would be wasted, misinterpreted as being instigated by your self-desires. If you push too hard, you would not only be losing a girlfriend but a friend of almost 12 years.

So learn to thread softly else you end up becoming bitter enemies for life. Besides there is an adage that if you love something very much, allow it some freedom and if it comes back of its own freewill then it is yours to keep. There is no keeping a woman who doesn't want to be kept by a man. She would only end up hurting you in such a way you would wish you had allowed her freedom in the first place.

Already, she has started having affairs. How long do you think your love can endure this humiliation, and continue to keep her from misbehaving?

If a woman is determined not to gate-keep her body, there is nothing the man in her life can do to make her stay within the bounds of a relationship. That is the reality of the matter. You can only love a person but cannot force that person to have feelings for you.

Frankly, she has outgrown you and has her eyes on other men she considered better than you.

Keeping her too long would not only at the end of the day destroy your trust in women but also prevent you from beginning something new with a woman who truly loves you.

The opportunity provided by your coming National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) is one for you to begin afresh. Life is about given opportunities. Every day, God gives us opportunities to change our ways for the better but the fear of the unknown limits us from taking the right steps.

This lady has told you in many ways, she doesn't have confidence in you anymore, lacks respect for you. Don't allow her humiliate you more than she has done or destroy you for another woman to manage.

Being in love is not being stupid. For her to have confronted you with her desire to have a spare man to you shows her mind is made up and has adequately considered all her options carefully.

The NYSC programme will help you forget about her and concentrate on finding the right kind of girl. Before leaving for your NYSC scheme, openly declare your own decisions too to begin afresh. She is taking advantage of the quality of love you have for her to misbehave. The moment she knows you are also capable of leaving her, she either decides to behave or take off to her new lover's arms.

Granted it would hurt you to now see 12 years of your love evaporate into thin air but eventually, you will be glad you did. With this kind of woman, there is no telling what she is capable of doing if you eventually marry her and things aren't going too smooth for you.

Frankly you should be glad at the development because it would have been a greater calamity to you, if you had discovered this side of her after getting married to her.

If it is any consolation, God is still very much in the business of meeting our needs and making ways out of every difficult situation. Trust Him and see how well He transforms this moment for you into pure happiness.

Good luck.

How Does One Remedy Ejaculating Too Soon?

Dear Agatha,

I appreciate the way you solve problems through your advice. I'm a guy of 27, each time I have sex, I ejaculate too early, just as soon as I get in. I find it difficult to have sex with my girl friend because I'm scared I won’t be able to satisfy a woman. Please tell me, what can I do to improve on that because I can't possibly avoid having sex when I get married?

Benjamin.

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Dear Agatha,

I thank you for your wonderful job so far. Keep it up. Please, I really need your advice. I am a 29-year-old guy from Enugu State. Please what can be done to stop ejaculating too soon? How can I prolong it for about 30 minutes to really get my girlfriend satisfied? Also do you think masturbating every day is ok? Please explain to me.

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Dear Readers,

We have dealt with this issue extensively. I would appreciate if you go back to past editions to get clues on ways of solving all the issues concerning ejaculations you have all raised.

Thanks.

Agatha.

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Re: Before My Quick Orgasm Sends Her Packing

Dear Agatha,

I read your column often and would like to say you are doing a nice job. On May 11, 2009, your publication concerning a guy, scared of losing his woman to premature ejaculation fascinates me.

I would like to offer him the benefit of experience and assist him.

I am not a specialist or an expert. I’m just a young guy of 23 years of age, who had similar problem and become knowledgeable on it from reading several articles on the issue. Would be glad if you can do this if it isn’t against your policy.

Jerry.

I’m In Love With Two Girls… One Family

Dear Agatha,

I pray God satisfies you with long life and more wisdom!

I'm in a dilemma. There is this lady I met in 2005 in the north and after a while, I proposed marriage to her. She agreed but kept postponing the date until she travelled abroad and we eventually lost contact.

I relocated to Abuja and met another lady I equally fall in love with and proposed marriage to. When we went to her village in the north for introduction, alas, she turned out to be the younger sister of my first girlfriend.

She said since she came back that she has been trying to get in contact too but all to no avail. Now, I love the two of them equally. What should I do?

Confused Man.

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Dear Confused Man,

Before I start, let me ask you this question, what do you understand by love? What do you feel for this other lady in particular?

There is no way you can move forward, if you don’t appreciate that with each kind of love come responsibilities. A relationship that has nothing attached to it other than the chemistry that brought a couple together is doomed from the beginning.

Also every relationship comes with a divine purpose. You may indeed feel something special for the elder sister but if it was strong enough do you think she would have placed her interest above the chance of spending the rest of her life with you or kept postponing the date until she eventually travelled out? Have you ever considered the fact that she deliberately didn’t want to get in touch with you? That in this modern age, it isn’t as difficult for anyone especially her to have gotten your contact through your phone or that of a close friend irrespective of you moving away from the location you both were based?

What reason did she give for her travelling abroad and what arrangement did you both put into place before she travelled out? At least you both had agreed until the point she travelled to spend the rest of your lives together. Was her travelling something you both agreed on, arranged together? These are important issues you must take into account because every stage in life has its peculiar challenges. Once a wrong decision is taken it affects the other stages in such a way that makes recovery difficult.

If you both had planned the trip together, there is no way contact would have been lost which means she did it on her own.

Would she have considered you if her trip was successful or had met someone who wanted her for keep? Frankly, you have to be careful else you end up with the wrong bride because any person who puts his or her interest above the common goal would never make a good partner.

Furthermore, it would be unfair to jettison your relationship with the younger lady simply on account of the re-appearance on the scene of her elder sister.

For you to have gone the length of asking her hand in marriage and travelling to her village to formalise things with her means you feel something very special for her. What excuse would you give her and your both families? That the woman you have told them you want to marry is no longer in view because of your earlier relationship with her sister who left you to travel abroad?

On the other hand, how would you feel if this girl meets an ex and decides to walk away from it all at this vital stage of the relationship?

Again consider the character of her elder sister. Do you think it is proper for her to want to deprive her younger sister of her chance of happiness or her penchant of always placing her own happiness above others? First, it was you she left unceremoniously and now she doesn’t mind replacing her sister in your heart in the name of knowing you first.

Be careful. Carefully examine the values of each of these women who though may be sisters would definitely have very dissimilar attitudes towards life. Which of them in your hearts of heart do you think has more respect for you and your feelings? Has the more care and understanding of your person? Who shares your dream in life and has what it takes to support you to succeed?

Who among them do you have the most confident in, sure of her loyalty when things aren’t exactly right for you? Then ask yourself if this other woman who lacked confidence in your dreams way back then would have looked your way twice if there were no improvement in your life?

The best things usually don’t come in attractive packages, often than not, they come concealed in unattractive wrappers like raw gold.

Ask God to help you look beyond the excitement of meeting an old flame to the treasures within the bride you have chosen for yourself.

But to make sure you are on the right path, in addition to going to God, explain everything to your current woman and ask for sometime to clear your head. But be sure you don’t delay it too long to avoid regrets because the special features that attracted you to this woman are there for other men to see too.

Good luck.

Get Me My ‘Stolen’ Husband Please!

Dear Agatha,

I want my husband back. Please do whatever you can to help get him back. I have been married for close to 15 years and have had little problems with my husband. He is the typical ideal husband. He does not drink, smoke and hardly eats outside the home. Except when he goes to the office, we are always together. Even at that, I could always give an accurate account of his movements and activities.

You can therefore imagine my surprise when a close friend of ours came with the disturbing tale that my best friend, with whom I grew up, was often sighted with my husband at a particular guest house in Palm Groove area of Lagos.

Initially I didn’t believe it one bit because apart from my friend being married, she and I are often together. The days we don’t see, it is either she is out of town or I am. We were in the habit of discussing our husbands and children. Being close from childhood we were more or less sisters.

I thought the person telling me the story was out to destroy our friendship out of jealousy I even did the stupid thing of telling my friend what this other person said. She, like me, was furious. Together we abused the other person. When my husband heard, he stopped that person from coming to our house.

I guess that was what hurt this other friend the most. Five months after that incident, I got a call from a public phone to come to the same guesthouse at Palm Groove to see my husband and best friend.

At first, I wanted to ignore the call but I decided out of curiousity to go as well as deal with the person behind the malicious gossip once and for all.

To my shock, I met my husband and friend in a very intimate embrace inside his car. Obviously, they had finished and were on their way out when I went to confront them. My friend and my husband ignored me and drove away without saying anything. I was left dumbfounded and watching their retreating images.

Needless to say, my load was waiting for me outside my home when I came back. My friend currently stays in my house. Her husband is as confused as I am. Our mothers too cannot comprehend what is wrong but I heard from a family friend who went to plead with my husband that I am a disappointment in bed. It is strange because I have always thought we had a great sex life. Agatha, I don’t care how you do it; please get my man back for me.

Toro.

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Dear Toro,

Sincerely, I wish I could with a mere wave of my hands bring him back to you and the children but I lack that power. Only God can bring him back. Go on your knees and beg God to intervene in this matter because it is clearly beyond what any person can do.

God knows what you and I don’t know. I am not sure of the motive of the person that told you but if you ask me that call was mischievous and calculated to destroy your home and happiness because even though your husband was into another relationship, he still met his obligations to you and the children. If you hadn’t gone there, you would still have been in your home. I am sure you know now when not to listen to people no matter how good intentioned the gesture appears to be.

Unfortunately what this person has only succeeded in doing is getting you out of your home. Doubtless your husband and friend betrayed you in the worst possible way a woman can be betrayed by the two people she trusts the most, this other person finished the process and no matter what people say about your friend and husband, you also helped the process by giving a willing car to external forces whose motive and interest are yet to be established in this matter.

This is no time to throw tantrums or brand your friend and husband rather, it is the best time to hold on to God and ask for mercy and strength to survive this trying period. Go and beg your husband for forgiveness. It doesn’t matter if he is the one that has hurt or betrayed you, it is not yet time for you to play the injured woman and betrayed wife. There is enough time for that.

What is important is for you to reclaim your home. For now, forget the humiliation of being the one to beg after what he did to you, if you keep thinking of that incident, you will never be able to move on and retrieve your home from this intruder. The task before you now is to get back your home, man and happiness as a woman. If you insist on the propriety of the situation you are going through, you might never go back to that house. This is the time to play the stupid wife.

As for your sexual performance, while you shouldn’t take it too seriously since he is bound to find excuses for his behaviour, still for your sake read books, on how to improve your sexual performance. It is very important to the survival of any marriage. In future keep friends out of your home.

Good luck.

I’m In A One-sided Relationship

Dear Agatha,

I have a major challenge confronting me. I’m about to go into my second marriage years after my ex and I went our different ways.

Sincerely, the decision to go into this marriage didn’t come easy. I’m going into it because a time comes in a woman’s life when she has to have a man by her side, not necessarily for love-making but to have a companion to come back to when all the kids leave the nest.

But I’m really afraid of what I’m going into. My observation of the man is he seems not to care about me at all. It isn’t just about his reluctance to part with money on very little things like buying me a recharge card when I’m low on cash or say it to humour him but his lack of ability to keep to any promise made to me. He would make a promise and at the point of delivery back out.

When I noticed this, I confronted him only for him to give me the impression that he is doing it for a reason. Whatever his reasons are, he refused to discuss them with me and frankly, I’m becoming afraid and uneasy with the entire development.

If I don’t call, he won’t and when he does, it is only to flash me to call him back.

I would have understood if he weren’t comfortable. Like I said, it isn’t just a case of his unwillingness to part with his money but even his time and attention.

I’m now wondering what I’m doing in such a one-sided relationship where I appear to be the only one oiling its wheels? At my age I deserve better, not a man whose heart appears to be somewhere else; whose interest in me seems to be for sex only.

Please help me because I really don’t know what to do. The man is an elderly divorced man too whose children are all grown up.

I’m so confused about the whole thing because in my heart I’m beginning to love him, which is why I take the time to do all the calling and send text messages.

Confused Woman.

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Dear Confused Woman,

We find ourselves at some crossroads that get us so confused we don’t know how to progress from that spot.

When God forces on us a cross that appears too heavy for us to carry, the best thing is to go back to Him in prayers for His directions. More than you realise, I appreciate the intensity of the inner battle you are fighting; the signal that you are doing the right thing as well as the light you need to either go back or forward.

Believe me, when I say it is not an enviable position you have found yourself in. Having had experience of men, do you think you can cope? Apart from companionship what are your other expectations for this marriage? I know the bit about a woman depending on her man for certain favours but how much responsibility can men carry these days on their own? The economic situation has made it mandatory for women too to be up and doing to avert the emotional danger of meeting with disappointments anytime she has a need to meet.

Doubtless, he is your second attempt but if he weren’t there you would still have to buy your recharge cards as well as meet all the other financial obligations you have shouldered on your own before his appearance in your life.

The issue of the heart is so tender yet very hardwearing. If you break it in a hurry, its shattering effects as well as regrets never go away. These consequences stay long enough to remind you about what you could have done differently.

I’m glad you are already at the age of wisdom, when the kaleidoscope of life’s ever-changing colours shift away from its exciting patterns to more solid forms. By now you know, no matter how much you try, life will not always go our way. We have to lose something to gain something precious and everlasting. Like you said, sex is no longer a factor. If you want; at your age, you have the freedom to do what you like without answering question from anybody because you now have the sole authority over your body.

Having made up your mind that companionship is what you want from him, sit back and consider how much sacrifice you can make for your happiness. There is no contesting the fact that you have reasons to be apprehensive but you must also learn too that it isn’t easy for him too.

Having lost his first wife, the woman of his youth, he also has some stocktaking to do. He has to be sure he is bringing the right woman, who has the emotional, spiritual maturity to share in his life.

Frankly, this is the time for plenty of caution especially as you love him. In spite of all you have observed about him, he must have his good side; the side of him that makes him important enough in your life to warrant you wanting to spend the rest of your life with him.

At the age you are and with the history you have, those feelings just don’t happen like that. They come from a very deep part of one’s life. It shows he has very promising side; the side that is making you consider matrimony again. Though you didn’t say how long you have been single or your age, the fact remains that he couldn’t have been the first man to approach you for marriage.

All those others you didn’t consider because they lacked what you want in a man at your age.

When issues get this complicated, it pays to move away from the immediacy of the issue causing the complication to the lesser ones for clearer perspective on how to go.

Weigh his positive side with the flaws you have noticed. In doing this, also consider your own imperfections and the likely challenges he is also going to encounter with you. By the time you finish, the step to take with the help and support of God will be clearer to you.

Good luck.

She Dumped Me For My Boss… Now Back Begging

Dear Agatha,

I just want you to know that it shall always be well with you in Jesus name. Please just say amen to that.

The issue I am about to share with you has been on my mind for a while now. It started four years ago when I met my girlfriend. Then she was the best thing that happened to me. All my colleagues in the office loved her.

Things went on fine until last year, when her attitude began to change towards me. I discovered that she comes to my office even when she knows I won’t be in the office without telling me.

Severally, I have come back to the office to meet her on the laps of my boss.

When I queried her over the matter, she told me pointblank to quit if I can’t live with it. That it was her life and that she was at liberty to do what she wanted with it. Things got so bad between us that I decided to report the issue to her brother.

By the time the matter came into the open, she threatened me right in the presence of her brother that I would regret the move I made. She said my action would cost me my job. The next day, I lost my job. Five days after I lost my job, I was attacked in my house and received deep cut on my head as a result of the attack in addition to being beaten up seriously.

Not only did she succeed in turning my life into a mess but also unable to get decent employment. But God remained faithful in all these.

About three months ago, she got my new address and has signaled her interested to come back to me. Since that incident, it has been difficult for me to go into any relationship. I seem to have developed a phobia for women. I can’t walk up to a woman to express my feelings no matter what I feel for her.

I really want to settle down as soon as I get back on my feet in terms of finances. My former girlfriend has been putting so much pressure on me but I have told her she belongs to my past and that what happened came about for a reason.

Please, Agatha, I really need your help. Can you link me with any lady who wants to get married very soon? She must be a Christian and a born again. This is my number, 08076908285. Also I want to meet you in person, is that possible?

Paul.

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Dear Paul,

Hiding behind the facade of a letter in the lonely heart column won’t solve the problem at hand. Before going into a new relationship, you must summon the needed courage to face the past squarely. How much did she hurt you? How much of your pride and trust as a man did she damage? Can you ever trust a woman again?

What about the hardship you have had to endure as a result of this? Do you think you can ever be able to forgive her for making you go through this period of lack?

These are issues a visit to your past would help resolve sufficiently. You must first give yourself the chance to heal from the disappointments and embarrassments you suffered from this episode to be able to move forward. Don’t forget it wasn’t just your ego as a man that was affected but the essence of your person. These are things you don’t forget in a hurry because they touch on the fundamental core of your existence as a person, particularly as a man. Don’t gloss over what happened to you to avoid you inflicting needless pains and aches on an innocent woman.

You must be absolutely sure you can trust again before falling in love. Granted it might not be so easy but if you refuse to let go of the memory of your past, the present and future may not be as enjoyable as you think.

To help you heal, there might be the need for you to give audience to your ex. When preparing for a next time, it is always better to arm yourself with all the information from the past to prevent making a similar mistake.

Despite having a wonderful relationship with her, there must have been something she didn’t like or you didn’t but were too interested in the relationship to do anything about.

For instance, you must know why she left you for the other man. In addition to his position of being your boss, what other thing motivated her to go into the relationship and why is she desirous of coming back into your life?

This is intended to help you understand her likes and women in general. It is also to help you view the past from a clearer perspective. When we know the mistakes we made in the past, it will help prevent greater tragedies in the future.

If there is anything this experience taught you, it is how to be a man. Life is a huge school. You must go through its different departments to be a complete person. Let her teach you through this dialogue the right signs to look out for when shopping for the right partner. By now, you must have realised that your assessments of her were entirely off the line. You need first to examine those things that are most important to you before approaching the next woman.

If you learn to look at the positive side of life, things will work better and brighter. Talking with her will make forgiveness easy as well as give you the freedom to move on with your life.

It is also not advisable for any man or woman to become desperate about marriage. Sincerely, being desperate about it makes it impossible for you to come up with the right choice of a partner. You risk the danger of making do with just any woman whether she has the right qualities to make you happy or not. This isn’t the time at all to make do with just anything because the choice you are about to make is the one who would stay with you forever. The one you plan to share everything and moment with. Simply because one woman disappointed you doesn’t mean you should sacrifice or compromise your happiness whatsoever.

Take your time to be friends with whosoever you meet. You are having problems approaching a woman because you have a one-point agenda to marry at all cost, whereas if you agree to be friends first the relationship will follow a natural pattern. Women get irritated when the first thing a man comes up at first meeting is declaration of love.

Importantly, learn to be more dependent on God for you to be able to make the right choice.

Good luck.