My Aged Husband Doesn’t Trust Me

Dear Agatha,

My marriage is only a year old but my husband, who is almost 20 years older than I am doesn’t trust me. I’m in my late 40s while he is in his late 60s. I am a mother of three children while he has five from his late wife. He also has about five grandchildren.

I am divorced and was that way for a considerable length of time. From the moment I met my current husband, I felt something deep for him and irrespective of our age differences decided to spend the rest of my life with him when he offered me the opportunity to.

We got married last year but instead of the peace I envisaged, he has kept suspecting me of infidelity.

By every standard I am a very pretty woman and I know a lot of men have desires for me but I have made up my mind to stay with him despite our huge age difference.

I can’t say how all this started but I think it all started when he came home one day to meet my ex-husband, who is incidentally remarried, in our living room. Actually, my ex came to discuss our second child’s choice of career. He wanted her to read medicine while she preferred pharmacy.

When he showed up at my doorstep, I didn’t have the heart to turn him away hence invited him in so we could discuss. In the process of our discussion, I offered him entertainment and must have gotten carried away because my husband met us holding hands and laughing as we watched a movie.

Although he didn’t say anything but from that point I noticed a lot of things changed between us. Right in the presence of my ex, I explained his mission in our house, which he seemed satisfied with. He even sat with us for the remaining half hour it took for the film we were watching to finish

I expected him to voice out his feelings at the point if he had any reservation but he didn’t.

I have ever done everything humanly possible to make him trust me but nothing I say or do has been able to change his opinion of me.

Although he is caring and very attentive to the needs of my children, I want his trust. I am so confused and don’t know how to go about this issue.

Please help me.

Mariam.

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Dear Mariam,

In his shoes how would you feel walking into your matrimonial home and meeting your husband with his ex holding hands, sharing a drink and watching a movie together? What does that scene convey to the onlooker? Complete sense of intimacy between the two of you.

Yes, couples that have gone their different ways and have children between them cannot totally avoid each other but then there should be limits.

Allowing him to come into the home of another man and going to the extent of entertaining him, sitting together and holding hands is more than enough to plant a seed of doubt into the mind of any man, particularly an old man taking the risk of marrying at the age he ought to be happy.

Coming home and meeting the two of you in the relaxed and compromising position is more than an old man can bear. If you expect him to clap and pat your back for being so unthinking and disrespectful, then you are wrong.

The moment you re-married, your ex became part of your past life, a life you need the permission of your new life to visit. Your ex had no right coming to your matrimonial home and you definitely were wrong to have invited him in without the express permission of your current husband.

If he doesn’t trust you anymore, it is because you gave him concrete reasons to doubt your sincerity to him. You are a married woman, no longer free to associate with any man in an intimate way. Besides, why would you allow any man to visit you at home when no one else was around to defend your honour? For all your current husband knows, both of you could have indulged in something unholy given the fact that nobody was around in the house.

Besides being former couples, you risked bringing back the memories of a time past. When it comes to the issue of sex, a lot of things can go wrong when caught on the side of things. Sexual feelings and rascality has nothing to do with age or ability to take charge of the situation, not when the situation seems right and actually support the act to happen. The fact that your ex stayed for another 30 minutes to finish watching the film that was on showed the contempt he held you and your marriage.

If you were more discerning you would have been able to read mischief into this visit. From his attitude, the whole process of his visit may have been timed to create problems for you in your marriage. A case of no man having what he doesn’t want.

There was no reason for him to have come into your house to discuss the issue he purportedly came to discuss. This could have been done on the phone. And if he must see you, why didn’t he invite you to his house as the man and father of the child in question? His home would have been a more suitable place to discuss any issue affecting the children you have together not the home of another man.

What do you think would have happened if it were the wife who chanced in on such a scene between you and her husband? You are lucky your husband didn’t react probably because he now has maturity on his side.

You have really wronged your husband and need to do everything humanly possible including going on your knees to beg for his forgiveness. Yes, you may not have done anything with your ex but what you did is enough to make any man doubt your loyalty and sense of propriety as a married woman.

Entertaining a man in your home without the consent or knowledge of your husband is wrong and very difficult to explain.

When he arrived unexpectedly and insisted on discussing the issue of his child, you should have taken time out to phone your husband on the development. Such consideration for his feelings would have prepared him for the scene he met in his living room.

What happened scattered the basis of his foundation for you. Besides, it must have made him recall things he had previously forgotten like the memory of his late wife. Silently, he would be blaming God for taking the woman he started out with, whose death is making him witness things he shouldn’t be seeing in his old age. Don’t blame him for this. Being 20 years older than you, he has more experience than you and has more open wound scenes like the one he saw open up afresh. Unlike you, his capacity to endure such pain is weakened by the sad memories we daily carry along.

Go to him, cry and beg him to forgive you, tell him you have realised your mistake and that it would never happen again. The difference between the old and the young is that when an old man falls in love, it is without reservations because he has seen it all.

Show your husband that you love him by inviting him out to a naughty time out away from him. Like a child, he needs to feel and be assured of the love of the woman in his life.

Good luck.

My Pastor Boyfriend Wants Me Pregnant As Marriage Preconditon

Dear Agatha,

I am in a very tight corner as my boyfriend of six months who professes to be a pastor is insisting I get pregnant before he can marry me.

I have equally made up against getting pregnant before I marry or allow him sleep with me for that matter. Although I am not a virgin but I want a man to love me for whom I am, and not for the thrills of my body.

I actually love this man with my whole heart but his condition is putting me off as well as making me questioning his passion for the things for God.

I am so confused especially as my age, early 30s, is putting me under severe pressure to settle down but do you think him sincere in his feelings for me? Incidentally, he is in his late 40s and still single.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

I concur you are walking a very tight rope but one which wisdom and honesty of what you really want out of life can get you off easily without consequences.

To help you make the right choice, think of what your new values are and what informed them. A man who is interested in a woman would not give conditions without thinking of the consequences to the woman.

The issue here is whether you are you ready to be pregnant now without being married? You have said no, so let your no be a resounding one to him, one he has to understand as well as appreciate the reasons behind it.

The danger of submitting to him on this one is that if you allow him to blackmail you now he will do to you as he pleases in future. From this early, he has to learn to respect you, consider your feelings and thoughts as well as give both of you the opportunity to discuss the advantages or otherwise of the choices you have to make in your relationship.

A relationship where one party takes the decision and expects the other person to accept such a decision never works no matter how desperate the two initially crave for it. The pedals of a successful relationship need the input of both parties to get it moving excellently well.

In this instance both of you must set aside your previous prejudices that caused both of you to take the decisions you each took before going into this relationship. Without both of you helping this relationship get off the ground, it will collapse like a pack of cards.

On your part, you must understand why he is unmarried at his age when all his peers are almost expecting their grandchildren. Whatever experiences he has had are definitely not pleasant ones for him to be still single at his age. Against this background, you must understand that such a man may not be ready to take chances, want assurances that after waiting for almost 50 years of age, his choices are very limited hence must have the physical evidence to take the all important step in life.

For him, it is no longer love the way you see it but a reality of what he has to do. This is not saying he doesn’t feel anything for you but not enough to make him take the risk of marrying a woman he isn’t sure of her ability to give him a child.

Though unfortunate, given the fact that as a servant of God he ought to be more trusting of the God he serves, he is still a man, limited by his ways and hampered by his life experiences. You must understand that not everybody who claims to be a servant of God has all that it takes to stand on the side of God in times of trials and temptations. Yet, God finds a place for them to work in His vineyard, so don’t on account of what he is asking you to do question his relevance in the factory of God.

The danger of concentrating on his vocation is that you will never be able to make an unbiased assessment of all the unseen issues involved in his demands. To help, you must know every experience he has had with women and how he ended up being still single at his age.

That would enable you know how to manage him in such a way your relationship would come out the best for it.

As the woman involved and who has to give him back the confidence he must have lost in the past in women and relationships, you cannot afford to be too rigid on certain things. While you insist you don’t want to get pregnant before the wedding day, both of you can quietly go to the registry to formalise your union to enable you get pregnant within legal frameworks. Make him understand that this is more for his sake than yours since he is the one who has the moral responsibility of facing a congregation of God’s children to explain why he who is supposed to know better pre-empted his marital vows.

You have to learn to use what is important to him now to make him reason with you. There is every possibility that in his blinded quest to actualise his own personal agenda, he forgot to consider the implication of his desire on his calling as well as the effect it would have on all the youths who in one way or the other have come to see him as their role model.

Discussing it with him would enable him think beyond the immediacy of his problem and consider all those who would not only be disappointed at his conduct but equally those whose Christian growth and life would be terminated by this quest of his.

The proper wedding, if it would not affect his ministry can wait until you get pregnant.
In your 30s, I am not going tell you to submit to his love advances or not. This is because you are more than ripe and old enough to know what you want and how to manage your desires having done it before.

However, one thing stands out in a relationship that is this complex and has over-aged participants, it cannot be conducted like that involving young and impressionable couple. You have both seen life in all its colours and know what to drop to meet your immediate need and what to hold on to in terms of personal principle.

As for being sincere, it depends on who judges whom. Though jaundiced and appears subjective, he has at least the boldness to tell you what works for him. It goes beyond the sincerity to that of the needs of a middle-aged man who wants to be sure of the years he has left. Life’s lessons have taught him to look at life differently from the way he would have looked at it about two decades back.

That he is offering you marriage in addition to being the mother of his child is enough show of sincerity for him.

Since his offer has not offended you enough to quit the relationship or stop the flow of love you have for him, shows the relationship has one or two things going in its favour.

This is what you two should find out and hold on to jealously, to give your foundation a good frame as well as character to navigate it.

Issues like this require both of you to make the choice that suits your relationship and not what works in an ideal world or for others.

In addition, you both need to seek collectively and individually the face of God to be sure you were meant to be together since that is the only way all the other ingredients can finely mix together without lumps or lose bonds. Once God gives His consent, whatever the problems are would melt naturally away.

The essence of seeking the face of God is to prevent the greater calamity of having to live with monumental regrets after all the former years you have both waited to be happy.

Good luck.

Re: Before My Quick Orgasm Sends Her Packing

Dear Agatha,

I read your column often and would like to say you are doing a nice job. On May 11, 2009, your publication concerning a guy, scared of losing his woman to premature ejaculation fascinates me.

I would like to offer him the benefit of experience and assist him.

I am not a specialist or an expert, just a young guy of 23 years of age, who had similar problem and become knowledgeable on it from reading several articles on the issue. Would be glad if you can do this if it isn’t against your policy.

Jerry.

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Dear Jerry,

I am glad at the news you are offering to share with this reader. I am sure he would get to you through your email once he reads this.

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Dear Anxious Man,

If reading this, take advantage of the offer through this email address, jerrychi770@yahoo.com. No teacher like experience.

Good luck.

To My Craving, He Ejaculates Too Soon…

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 28 years of age who just got married.

I don't enjoy sex, though I hear people discuss their sexual escapades and I try to satisfy my husband despite my feelings.

Every time we want to make love, I feel so wet and ready but when the real show starts I get bored because he ejaculates quickly and off when I am just starting to enjoy him. This annoys me. If I ask for more he’ll tell me it is okay or call me a prostitute that will never get enough of sex.

Please what can I do? I can't discuss this with anybody and I can't complain since he may think I am being unfaithful to him.

I need your advice because I crave to enjoy sex like everybody does.

Frustrated Wife.

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Dear Frustrated Wife,

If he is failing to do what is right what efforts have you made to help the marriage overcome this issue outside complaining of his inability?

Granted, sexual harmony and happiness remains one of marriage’s greatest challenges. No doubt, a lot of the time, women are forced to endure sexual unhappiness in their marriages to avoid the very problem you touched on.

Because sex remains a powerful tool of communication and bonding in a relationship, you and your partner must find a way to discuss it as peacefully as possible if your union is to last. This is against the background that a lot of things unintended may happen when a man or woman isn’t getting the type of fulfillment he or she craves for the partner. This is why you must get past the complain compartment to the action mode to prevent regrettable actions. Many extra marital affairs didn’t begin because those who find themselves in it wanted to. Unresolved sexual problems in some marriages pushed some couples into it. This is in recognition of the role and importance of sex to the adult person whether male or female.

As a woman, you must find a way outside the bedroom to tell your husband what you feel. Let him know before starting the discussion that it is in the interest of your marriage he listens to you. Look for a soft landing, the time he is at his most relaxed, when his mood can endure and envelop all irritations without getting angry. If you know your man well, this should not be a difficult thing to do. Once you sense him listening to you, open up to him not by criticising him but by presenting the issue as romantic suggestions of how to improve your love life.

Most men find the issue of their sexual prowess very sensitive mainly due to the typical male ego. Everyman is under the illusion that when it comes to sexual performance, he is the best and any woman who does as much as hint at the flip side of this notion gets crucified by the man and called names just to hit back at her.

The idea is to stop her from making demands of him because he doesn’t have any answer to the issues she is bringing up. It also makes him shaky and less confidence of himself. This is one thing you must never do to your man else, in his bid to restore his confidence in his ability as a man, he would fight you like a wounded lion. For this reason be careful on how you handle this because it has the capacity of capsising your marital boat. Believe me, the entire blame of the problem will be placed at your door step since it has become an ego issue for him and when a man’s self-esteem is involved he is capable of saying or doing anything to come out smelling roses.

The woman is always the loser in the game of sex more so when the person pointing the accusing fingers is her husband.

But if yours is the kind of man that gets really uppity about issues like this, there are other ways to get him to listen to you. And it is definitely not by fighting him or nagging him on the issue. A woman who finds herself in this type of situation should use her imagination. She should without shame create the mood for massive romance. This entails spending money to woo him into the right frame of mind for the seduction plan.

It also entails a thorough research of adult books and adult films that teach the woman how to take the initiative. A woman who finds herself in this situation must discard fear and be bold to do what she has to do to both save and protect her marriage while still treating the man as king. Even if stealing the initiative from him, always give him the impression he is firmly in charge. This way you are able to get your way and change the tempo of things between the two of you without resistance from him.

What does he like the most? Give him a present of what he loves, including well research books and films aimed at putting him in the right mood.

Soften the mood further by getting yourself a sinfully designed nightgown, for his eyes only. Top it up with a sweet smelling perfume that would forever plant the memory of the moment you are trying to create in his mind forever.

Electric light should give way to perfumed candlelight to make the whole thing irresistible for him. With a good wine, food and the right atmosphere, put to practical use all the knowledge you gathered from reading the books while the adult film is on to give him visuals of how you want it done. In selecting the visuals, make sure it is the one that has the one on the lead role.

At that point, he would readily agree to being used by you as an experiment tool.

The lesson here is to give him another side of lovemaking; something new and different from what he is used to. Chances are if he really enjoyed it and you are good at the game of optimum seduction, he would gladly allow you to lead the game the next time you do it.

Fighting for your happiness with your man isn’t done by nagging or physical quarrel. It is by using tact and wisdom. A woman with plenty of wisdom can win any battle at home provided she remains humble, unassuming but with plenty of imagination.

This is because majority of men don’t admit to their faults or limitations. It is the duty of the woman to find a way around the problem for them while at the same time taking care to give them the credit for it.

As a matter of fact, learn to compliment him when he goes out of his way to allow you take the lead role. Such compliments and the smile of satisfaction he gets from you would make him want to do more because in the actual sense of it, he is the one who is most happy at the new things and sense of well-being your ideas have brought into your love life.

This is why you are his wife, the woman of the home. Your role isn’t just to receive but to give as well. This way you put in all your best to eradicate this problem now.

Being married, you have the licence to approach God for help in getting your man to be receptive to your ideas and you to his too.

Good luck.

At 27, Fighting Hard To Avoid Premarital Sex…

Dear Agatha,

I appreciate all you have been doing for us. I am 27 years old, still a virgin. I am a very principled guy that is against pre-marital sex. I am very handsome. I have many beautiful female friends who have all left me because I won't have sex with them.

Agatha, do you think I am doing the right thing? I plan to only have sex with the woman I am married to and not pre-marital sex. Please, advice me because I am confused.

Worried Michael.

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Dear Worried Michael,

Why are you confused? Your decision shows you have character and integrity. You are definitely on the right track. Forget what anybody or your female friends are saying. The important thing is what you have elected to do as well as the peace you derive from doing it.

When it comes to issue like this, don’t expect support or understanding because in a long line of hundred, chances are you are the only one holding on to such an ideals. So it would be difficult for the other 99 to understand what you are talking about or think you normal.

In such situation, you would even begin to question the sanity of your decision just as you are doing now but I assure you, at the end of the day, you will come out better than the majority.

A girl who leaves a man on account of the fact that he refuses to have sex with her isn’t worth planning a life journey with. Ideally a woman should be glad that a man respects her enough not to ply her with demands of sex before he walks her down the aisle.

You may not appreciate what you are doing until you meet the right woman who would treat you as her king on account of this decision you have taken.

And always remember the good things are the most difficult to propagate while the bad ones are the easiest to sell.

Don’t worry, when the situation gets so confusing, look up to God for help and support.

Good luck.

After His Seven Years Abroad… Haven’t I Waited In Vain?

Dear Agatha,

I am sending this mail to you in tears. I have a fiancé, who lives abroad. Before he travelled in 2001 he made a promise that if I could keep myself for him, he will marry me.

I kept my promise. Initially, things were going on well. He would call and send money but things changed in 2004 when he sent money through his brother to me. These days he calls either once or twice a month but still insists I keep myself for him.

He came back home last year but to my greatest surprise, he didn’t treat me like the main woman in his life. He also didn’t make mention of his plans to marry me. Puzzled by his attitude I had no choice but to broach the subject. His answer shocked me, even to the marrow. He told me in clear terms that he has lost interest in marrying me but was willing to assist me to go to Europe.

This is because for seven years I shunned every other man who came my way. I didn’t want to go back on the promise I made to him to keep myself until he comes for my hands in marriage.

I agreed to follow him to Europe so we started processing my papers. I spent so much money trying to get the papers. And just as we are about completing the process, he made another dramatic U-turn. He says he doesn’t have the money to assist me to continue and that I should hold on since Europe was rough now. Agatha, I can’t help asking God why me? Right now I have spent all my money on this project. Please help and advise me on what to do next.

Omokhodion.

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Dear Omokhodion,

It is unfortunate but in a way you are to blame for the mess you have found yourself. The moment he stopped calling you as often as he used to, reducing it to either once or twice a month, you should have known things have changed between the two of you. At that point, you didn’t need a soothsayer to spell it out to you that this man has since found pleasure in the arms of another woman.

Frankly, you allowed him to waste your time and it all had to do with the fact that you wanted to travel abroad at all cost.

I am sure if the same man in Nigeria had given you the same conditions to wait for him as well as the same treatment you would since have left the relationship for something more promising.

Even though some disappointments are real and unexpected, however most of the time, the disappointments we suffer come from our determined refusal to accept obvious signs. The signs of your eventual disappointment were there for you to see all these while but you simply decided to ignore them for the ultimate purpose of travelling abroad.

This is underscored by your willingness to accept his offer to assist you abroad despite his declaration that he has lost interest in you.

For instance, you would have noticed from the reception of his family towards you or the frequency they visited you. That their son is abroad should not have stopped them from commencing any marriage rites with your family, if indeed he was serious with the promises you made to each other when he was leaving.

At the point he changed, if he had done the proper thing of telling his family all about you, they would have been able to influence or intervened on your behalf.

Also men who are serious about the women in their lives, before travelling out expose and make known their relationships to their families.

In fairness to him, he may have really liked you enough to want to marry you before leaving but changed his mind when he got there.

From the point he made public his decision to assist you, you should have declined the offer and terminated every relationship with him.

A man who has no qualms leaving you for seven years or felt any remorse at the havoc he has caused in your life should have been kept at arm’s length. Accepting his terms showed you were too desperate to do anything to go abroad which may have also raised the question in his mind of the authenticity of your love for him. You filtered the little respect you had by agreeing to his conditions without a protest.

By agreeing to such demeaning terms, you re-enforced whatever reasons or stories he may have heard that made him change his mind about you. Your willingness made you appear desperate and ready to do anything to travel. When a man is looking for a wife, a lot of issues come to play and many of them don’t want is a desperate woman. This is because men think woman who is desperate is capable of doing anything to achieve her goal.

The past is past. There is no way you can retrieve both money and time you have wasted on this failed relationship.

Gather whatever pride you have left and move on with your life. Let him know that without him, you can stand and walk tall. That deep down you have what it takes to make any man proud. Weeping over what has happened would only make him feel like a demigod who has the key to your life in his palms.

Make him regret his loss and decision to leave you by pretending even when you are hurting badly inside of you that he doesn’t matter anymore in your life. Life is a big gamble. We win some and lose some.

The man that would appreciate you would one day come your way and with this experience behind you, you are now more knowledgeable about what to look out for. However, care must also be taken by you not to transfer the bitterness of your previous relationship to the new one else you end up more frustrated and bitter with life itself.

God never wanted both of you to be together because if He did, irrespective of whatever may have happened, this man would still have come for you. This is what you should always remember at all time to gather the right strength and attitude to move on with life.

Had you bothered to look at this man you wasted seven years of your life on, you would have noticed fundamental flaws in his character, things you know would make your living together impossible.

But all that is gone so move on and allow the will of God for you to shine through this nightmare by going to Him in prayers and complete submission to His supremacy in all things.

Good luck.

My Teenage Friend Turns Up For Renewed Deal

Dear Agatha,

I pray that you will reap the fruit of your labour here on earth for the good things you are doing to solve people's problems. I will be 30 late this year and there is this guy who happens to be my first love but because we were young then, were unable to manage the challenges of our religious differences, he being a Muslim and I a Christian.

However, we met again late last year and he expressed the willingness to continue from where we stopped several years ago. I am scared because then I was a virgin and I am no longer one. Besides, I am of the opinion that he only wants to have a taste of me and leave.

Agatha, to tell you the truth, I like him especially as we no longer have the burden of religious differences.

I am so confused and need your help.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

What makes you think he is after only your body? If this is true, why are you even considering him?

Although as an adult woman you reserve the right to do whatever you please with your body, the fact remains, you will be the one who will get hurt in the process if you are aware of his intentions and still go ahead to oblige him with a relationship.

At your age, you must be able to account for whatever you do. Why would you go into a relationship with a man who has nothing more on his agenda but that of having the privilege of your body? Is that what you are looking for, a man to add you to his list of conquests?

Shouldn’t you be focused now in life especially as you are itching towards that age when all women take stock of their early years especially if unmarried? This is not time for you to be making hasty and sentimental decisions, choices that will not pay you at all.

If you must go into this relationship both of you need to sit to discuss the future of the relationship since you both have a past together. Be bold to ask specific questions as well as discuss your suspicions. It is also pertinent you ask about his current status and even if single, his love life.

Like you, he has a past. These pasts have to be discussed to enable both of you know the platforms you are coming from and where you are going from the point you met again. Your story would tell him everything he needs to know about your body state as well as plans for the future.

Submitting to him on his conditions without first discussing the health of the relationship will eventually turn that likeness of yours to pains and eventually disappointment.

You can only be happy if you know what to look out for in the process of seeking happiness.

Good luck.

Being Virgin Woman At 32 Sounds More Of Curse…

Dear Agatha,

I find your daily articles quite encouraging and helpful.

I’m 32 years old, a Nigerian woman based in the United States of America. I am blessed, well read and have a good job. I also come from strict Christian family. Even if I say so myself, I am responsible and a born again Christian.

I have never had a long-term relationship with a man. My friends and some families back home have recommended men for me on different occasions but none seems to have worked out. I tell you the truth, at my age, I am still a virgin.

I go to church every Sunday, belief strongly in God but I am worried that I am yet to be married or even have a relationship with any man for long.

I am more of a shy and humble person. I have read so many books on relationships, been to so many seminars for singles and sowed seeds for God to give me my own husband but nothing has happened yet.

Sometimes I begin to wonder, if there is a witchcraft curse or incantation placed on my family because my elder sisters are in the same problem as well.

We are all single ladies. My eldest sister is almost 50 and still a single. We find it hard to travel to Nigeria because it is quite shameful to us. It is not that I’m boasting, my sisters and I all are quite good looking as in terms of physical appearances, and can’t help wondering why we are in such a situation. I have seen well behaved single brothers in my church that have the fear of God in them, but I find it difficult to approach them for a relationship because I always want a man to make the first move in a relationship.

Please, I need your advise on what to do for me to get married. I know is not a one way thing but I just need advise from you and if possible, steps to take as a single lady.

Grace.

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Dear Grace,

The first major challenge here is for one of you to come back home to discuss your family history. If your elder sisters and the other sisters you have are all unmarried despite having the right looks, behaviour and financial independence, then something is very wrong somewhere with your family foundation. Things like this just don’t happen without a cause.

Without you finding out, whatever you do or steps you take in approaching a man will not yield the right fruit. Whatever it is that is preventing your father’s daughters from marrying will not allow the move to succeed until the powers it wields over you and your sisters are broken.

It is very important you understand the history of your problem. Is it limited to only your father’s children or has its origin in the older generation?

If limited to your father’s daughters, then ask your father what happened before he met or married your mother. Demand to know if he promised any other woman before your mother married him and what transpired between them when he made public his preference for your mother.

Chances are if the other woman was justified in her anger and your father guilty of duplicity, whatever words said in anger may have their consequences on you and your sisters.

Sometimes, the challenges we are made to face or carry in life are not produced by magical charms of our enemies, but brought about by our own thoughtless actions.

If your father or any of your male ancestors are guilty of causing a woman embarrassment, disappointment and emotional pains along the line, it follows that they too would watch their daughters suffer the same things in the hands of other men.

Telling you the truth would help you and your sisters know where to direct your prayers and what to do to remove this curse upon your heads.

Besides, this is one occasion you need spiritual help from your pastor and fellow Christian brothers and sisters. You need corporate prayers as well as deliverance to sail through this stage of your life. You also require fasting for God to reveal to you certain things that are hidden to help you know the extra mile you have to go for solutions. He says where two or more are gathered in His name, He would answer. The paradox of life is that the innocent is often called to carry the burden of the guilty.

Besides, your father may not even remember what he has done but asking him would help him know whom precisely he is to beg for the freedom of his daughters. A problem is more than half way solved if we are pointed at the right direction.

This is basic for you to move on. Granted there are some social drawbacks for you and your sisters, this is not an issue you should foot drag on because as women you have expiring date. Don’t allow pride or the fear of what people would say prevents you from taking the step of faith as well as reality.

People are always at liberty to say anything they like but it is the duty of the individual involved in an issue to seek the right solutions that would make the pain of the situation melts away.

Nobody would ever fight your battle for you if you fail to make the first move. A baby must cry for the mother to offer help hands.

Another issue you should look at is your attitude. Yes, you may be responsible but if arrogant about your successes in life, it would be difficult for any man to stay around you for long enough to appreciate the other qualities in you. Many a time, when we are successful, we become arrogant without even knowing it simply on account of those little things we fail to do. How do people around you, especially men access you? Are you approachable? Being reserved or shy sometimes come across as being snobbish or condescending. Success has many in between colours, some definite others non-descriptive. It is this middle hews of your character you should X-ray to enable you know if you are all that you say you are. If you are honest you will know what the issue really are.

And when that is done, there is no law, which says you cannot approach a man you like for friendship first before talking about a relationship. Our happiness is our own business not that of anybody so if you don’t at time create your own happiness, nobody would do it for you. Being friends with your dream man affords him the first hand opportunity to study you at close quarters and know who you really are.

Above all, learn to pray and listen to the voice and directions of God.

Good luck.

Erectile Dysfunction Denies Me Sexual Ecstasy

Dear Agatha,

I am 24 years, and I have never had sex, though I had a girlfriend who never succumbed to it because of her values. So, I opted for masturbation, and for eight years now I have been doing it. I later had another girlfriend due to a major breakup between the former and I. My present girl is ready to have sex, but the major hitch now is my erectile dysfunction.

What do I do about this condition?

Anxious Man.

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Dear Anxious Man,

Erectile dysfunction or impotence occurs when a man that has erection cannot get or keep an erection that is firm enough to have sex. It can occur at any age but more common in older men who have other health challenges. The good thing is that treatment is possible whatever the age of the man involved.

From your story, anxiety and over dependence on masturbation may be the twin problem affecting you. Over masturbation leads to sexual under performance by way of premature ejaculation, as well as other sexual problems.

Under normal circumstances, masturbation is a healthy sexual behaviour but like other behaviours when over practised it could lead to both psychological and physiological imbalances. Frequent and excessive masturbation and ejaculation result in over-production of sex hormones and neurotransmitters. An unnatural abundance of these hormones and neurotransmitters can cause the brain and adrenal glands to perform excessive dopamine-norepinephrine-epinephrine conversion, which make the brain and body function at an extreme level. In other words, there is a huge change in body chemistry when one masturbates excessively.

This often is the cause of frustrating sexual side effects like the one you are currently experiencing.

Going from one extreme end to the other, may also be a factor in your problem. For eight years, you have depended on self-stimulation to get relief on account of your girlfriend not wanting to have sex with you. Now you have a girlfriend who is ready to have sex but it would take a long time for your brain and body to adjust to having actual sex.

Masturbation has customised your body to ejaculate at a particular time, has programmed your body to accept the timing of your mind and manipulations. Having depended on it for eight years, it isn’t going to be easy for you body to adjust automatically on account of your desire to make love with a woman. It will take a while and would require understanding, patience, support, perseverance and endurance from your partner to overcome. On your part too, you have to be forthcoming with information on your old life as well as your current desires to help her navigate around the issue without it affecting your psychology too much and her appreciation of the problem.

This is because your issue is more complicated than that of the average male virgin. While you may not have actually made love to a woman, your sexual senses aren’t mute; they have been given life and definition by your recourse to masturbation. For this reason, you must go back to the basis of man-woman relationship to be able to overcome your erectile dysfunction. There is a very wide margin between the timing of self-stimulation and making love to a woman.

While the normal physical response for a man is to reach climax and ejaculate is approximately two to three minutes after penetrating the vagina, the normal physical response for a woman is to build to a climax about 12 to 14 minutes after sex occurs. Some premature ejaculation cases are easy to diagnose, especially when the man ejaculates before he even penetrates a woman. In relationship terms, premature ejaculation can be diagnosed as ejaculating before the woman gets orgasm. This is what over-masturbation can lead to, a disappointed woman and a frustrated man.

But to be sure yours isn’t the sign of a serious medical problem, how well were you able to manage your erection during those years you masturbated? Can you remember the length of time it took for you to have and sustain your erection? Do you have the normal male sign of virility in the morning? Do you get stimulated by the sight of a really pretty or sexy woman like men do? Does thinking about sex give you any hard-on?

If your answers are positive, then your current situation is one that can easily be cured with confidence on your part and understanding from your partner. Whether she comes with a wealth of experience or not, once both of you have the trust and support of each other, you can overcome.

On your part, you have to transfer your knowledge of self-stimulation to her body. Use more of your hands at the initial stage to get her ready for action and only go into her when you are almost ready to peak. This way, she gets satisfied while you learn the ropes of helping yourself make love to a woman.

Usually, the problem comes from a man not knowing what to do with a woman’s body during the process of lovemaking. Even when a man has the problem of early ejaculation, once he knows the technique of getting his woman ready for the peak action, it takes an imaginative mind to hide his inadequacies from a woman during the act of lovemaking. Fantastic male lovers are not necessarily the men who are able to sustain longer erections but those who add a lot of imagination and innovations by showing tremendous consideration for the feelings of the woman involved. If a man were able to distinguish the difference between sex and lovemaking, even if it takes him one second to sustain an erection, the woman would brand him a successful lover.

However if your answers are doubtful and point to the existence of some outstanding problem, it is in your interest to see a doctor immediately.

Good luck.

Any Spiritual, Health Hazard In Masturbating?

Dear Agatha,

I am 23 years of age and a student. I do masturbate, because it helps me reduce sexual upset, but I am worried about the alarm of the so-called disadvantages of the act spiritually, psychologically, and socially. I take them as false because I do not belief in them. I can still think well, pray well, and do things well. I have been masturbating for two year now.

Please enlighten me about this situation. Is there any spiritual, physical, psychological, mental or emotional effect in masturbating? Is it good or bad to do it? If there are any negative effects, please advise me on how to run away from it.

Musa.

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Dear Musa,

I decided to pair your letter with this one to expose you to the likely dangers of over dependence on masturbation.

The issue raised by the Anxious Man typifies problems that challenge most men or women that are addicted to masturbation face later in life. This is by far out-weighs the so-called benefits associated with the act.

While the act for a while may give relief, protect against the dangers of indiscriminate sex, it could also affect the normal man-woman relationship by robbing the man of his confidence to make love with a woman.

Much as I won’t pretend it is an adult, most adults, especially males have engaged in one time or the other in their lives, and moderation is the key. Learn to moderate your addiction to it to prevent a real life threatening health problem later in your marriage.

As for the spiritual, naturally the Bible and other religious books frown at it because it negates the principle of God. The Bible is clear, the body is the temple of God, and should be so treated. When we indulge in the act of masturbation, it is assumed that the temple has been violated. Sex is something that should be done between a man and woman. When a man or woman masturbates, it is assumed he or she is making love to him or herself, a deviation from the rule of God.

Any thing done outside the laws of God are immoral and could bring about a spiritual consequence on the offender’s life.

That is as far as the spiritual angle goes.

The same goes for the social aspect, which is why nobody discusses his or her recourse to it when the emotional circumstances demand for it.

Good luck.

My Parents Say He’s Outcast, Kick Against Our Relationship

Dear Agatha,

I’m a lady of 24 years of age, currently doing the compulsory National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme. I am in a relationship with a man whom I cherish and who loves me too. We are happy beings.

But my parents are determined to end this happiness. According to my parents, his family is an outcast, hence they want me to discontinue the relationship.

After making inquiries from people and meeting men of God, I was told the issue of anyone being an outcast is obsolete. As a matter of fact, his family members have all being true Christians for quite sometime now. I was therefore assured that nothing would happen to me should I follow the dictate of my heart.

Despite my explanations and citing of different instances of people who have married into such families, my parents remained adamant.

As it stands now, they are taking the issue of my insistence as a sign of disrespect and disobedience to them.

I want to do it in a way that everybody in my family will attend my wedding and be happy.

But since things are not turning out this way, I don’t know what to do and I don’t think I can give up my love and relationship with this boy without a concrete reason.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

Even if your parents accept him wholeheartedly, there is no way everybody in your family or in your life can all be happy at your choice of a husband. Some out of jealousy will always kick against it and some on the premise of mischief will come up with several reasons why they think your happiness isn’t with the man of your choice.
So perish the thought of trying to make everyone happy; it is an impossible task. Not even God has succeeded in making mankind smile at the marvelous works He does in our collective lives everyday. There will always be complaints from people.

This is a matter of you knowing what you want the most in life. Our current lives have advanced beyond the issue of certain people being outcast and some being free born. God never created us to be different in terms of social acceptance and co-existence therefore nobody has the right to take away people’s freedom or happiness based on some ancient customs that are barbaric or malicious.

Whatever made them outcast by your native system died long ago hence wrong for any person or group of person to alienate this boy or members of his family from being happy.

If there were global outrage against the apartheid system in South Africa on account of infringement on the rights of blacks in that country, what justification then does anybody have in Nigeria to segregate against anybody on account of ancient customs whose origin itself is enmeshed in the politics of some people’s quest to perpetually remain superior to others?

It is an unfair reason to deny you and the love of your life happiness. And if your parents are Christians they should know that before God, all men, whether rulers or servants are equal. That though we may come with different skin pigmentation, His love and reasons for creating all of us is same. And that whatever they profess, is made nonsense of their refusal to imbibe the teachings of their creed, which gives absolute freedom to all mankind.

If reasons refuse to prevail, you may have to take your own destiny into your hands by following the rhythm of your heart because at the end of the day, it is your happiness that is the main course. No matter how much you seek to make everybody happy at your choice of a man, if you aren’t happy, the smiles of others at your decision will not count.

Your happiness has to be full watt, its brightness 100 per cent, in order to shine through the storms of two different individuals coming together for life. Marriage is a challenging journey. You need the love, respect, friendship, support and understanding of each other to accomplish with minimal discomforts. Without you starting out with the person you love and respect, the journey would not only be difficult but absolutely stormy. Is that the kind of marriage you want, one where you and your man will never agree on any matter, one where you are always afraid to come home to and glad when either of you has an official assignment that entails sleeping outside the home?

Your parents cannot love you more than you love yourself. Yes, they brought you into the world, but cannot create your happiness for you.

Granted, you owe them explanation for your decisions but the final decision rests with you since you are of age. This is not to say, you shouldn’t try to convince them further or look properly into the character of this man you plan to spend the rest of your life with.

This is particularly important given the stiff opposition against your union. Until later in future when the current opposition against your union would have been watered down by time, you are clearly on your own in terms of family support. Hence, you must be sure that the man you are marrying is worth the risk of turning your back against the protective love of your family to avoid the double tragedy of being left by both your husband and family in the dark.

You must also properly scrutinise your feelings for this man. How much of a friend are you to him? How much of your friend is he to you too? Are you able to laugh at each and with each other? Do you have the type of friendship that can withstand and support difficult times?

When a couple is very much into each other, it makes the whole business of managing challenges within the relationship easier. This is one thing you must objectively look out for in your relationship as you contemplate your final decision on this relationship.

If there is something extra special, your positive conviction is irreplaceable in this relationship, don’t be afraid to pitch your tent here because you may never get it right even if you have the most handsome man for a husband.

A time comes in a person’s life when you either make the choice to be happy on your terms or make the choice to be unhappy while pleasing the majority. You are at that vital junction in your life when you to make the choice to be happy forever or make your parents happy at your own expense.

Whatever your decision is going to be, please, first seek the face of God who knows and sees the end from the beginning. Leave him only if God says so not because some ancient customs classify him as being a substandard human being. Nothing in creation, places one man above the other, not even those born with physical deformity hence presumptuous for anybody to arrogate to him or herself the power of classification of God’s perfect work. Not even being one’s parents gives such right.

Good luck.

My Marriage Is Complicated

Dear Agatha,

I read one of your articles; was challenged and decided to open up to you.

I am exactly 34 years old and married. I have been married for two years and we are still expecting the fruit of the womb. My husband and I courted for six years before we got married and he doesn’t live in Nigeria.

At the time of our meeting and during our courtship, not once did he tell me about the existence of a wife or children.

We had already printed our wedding invitation for both the traditional and statutory marriages before he told me on the eve of our traditional wedding about the existence of two children another woman had for him.

According to him, this woman also stays abroad but not with him. He assures that she was only a girlfriend and that, they there was nothing legal between them. Officially, he says they have been separated for three years and that he only talks to her when he wants to speak with the children.

He ended up pleading with me not to leave him on account of what he told me because I mean the world to him. Since I also love him, I accepted his pleas and agreed to go ahead with all the wedding plans.

However, shortly after our wedding, he informed me that the same woman out of mistake gave him another baby. He again apologised but I lost every trust in him.

I actually suspect him of having numerous girlfriends he is keeping away from me.

When members of my family got to know the details of his life, they were very angry with me for going ahead with the wedding plans without considering the implications of what he told me.

Now they are pressurising me to divorce him on account of his duplicity and unfaithfulness to me. What do I do?

Anonymous.

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Dear Anonymous,

This is indeed a very complex situation as you are already in the marriage. I can’t tell you to leave because that will be coming between two adults and the choice they made to spend the rest of their lives together. Just like you decided to marry him without pressures from anybody, so also should you make the choice to do what pleases you at the end of the day.

But in making that choice, consider these points to help protect you against similar mistakes.

Why did you marry this man? Was it love or were you influenced by the simple fact that he leaves abroad? Ordinarily, at the point he told you about the existence of these children, you should have probed more into his life and activities before marrying him. In the first instance would you have been easily persuaded to go ahead with the wedding arrangements if he were based in Nigeria and not abroad?

Under normal circumstances, would you have considered marrying a man who didn’t deem it fit to tell you from the very beginning of the relationship all about his children and the woman, who had them for him? Would you have kept the information from your family members?

Chances are you did because you saw him as a passport outside your immediate environment, a situation he knew too well hence manipulated to suit his purpose.

In the six months you dated, what can you say about him? If called upon by the law or anybody to defend his character can you? Apparently, a lot of things were wrong from the first moment you met to the point you got married. You in particular failed to develop the relationship beyond the euphoria of getting married to a man, who stays abroad hence neglected to look at vital signs of defect in his character.

Were you more observant of the essentials, you would have noticed his womanising inclination from the very first moments you met. Such habits are not something that a man develops suddenly. This type of man would never bother to hide it but you made the choice to ignore this for reasons best known to you.

When he told you about the other woman, did you bother to probe deeply? There is a huge difference between being in love and having a motive for staying on. Yes, most times love does make people act out of character but not to the point of accepting a situation you willingly walked into.

At the point he told you, you should have insisted on talking to the children given the fact they were to become your stepchildren. What sort of relationships were you planning on having with these children, who till that moment were none existent? Common sense ought to have alerted you that a man capable of hoarding information about his children from you is capable of doing anything or springing more surprises on you.

If for nothing else you should have confided in someone close to you to help give you a more objective perception into the whole matter. This is because children aren’t ornaments to be sold off when they lose relevance. Children in any relationship are permanent and deserve acute consideration from anybody coming into to their lives.
Sincerely, six months is too short a time to have trusted someone you don’t know with your life, a man who waited till the very last minute to reveal what he should have told you long since, before you walked down the aisle with him. Your inner alarm as a woman should have made you pause all the arrangements at least until the issue of his matrimonial status as well as proper definition of your relationship with his past is spelt out.

Didn’t it cross your mind that he could be lying about his actual relationship with the other woman? That for him to have kept the knowledge of this woman and her children away from you until very late shows he didn’t want to give you any chance to change your mind?

Whatever his faults may be, you also aided him to have treated you with such callousness.

In your two years of being with him what has changed for you and for him? What is the true status of that woman in his life? Have you been able to meet with the children or spoken with their mother? What efforts is he making to take you to live with him at his base? What is his attitude to you and the issue of lack of child between you two yet? For that matter, what deep and lasting lessons have you learnt from all this? Given the chance to change certain things about this marriage what would you do differently?

Furthermore, have you also quizzed him on why he lied to you about the other woman, why he didn’t tell you about her and the children from the beginning? What do you think were his reasons? Had he told you before then, would you have gone as far as you went with him?

Only a deep and sincere X-ray of all the issues agitating your mind would give light to your challenge as well as tell you where to take your marriage to from where it currently is. Again, when did the baby come, after or before he told you about the first two? Or was it that she was pregnant all the time he was courting and planning a wedding with you?

And what would you miss the most if you decide to leave this man, things you know will be difficult to replace in another relationship?

When it comes to marriage and separation, the choices are never straightforward because a lot of things and emotions are involved in the final decisions. The same complex reasons that made you marry him are also the same reasons nobody can make the decision for you except you make up your mind yourself. This way, you have nobody to blame afterwards but yourself.

Because we are not all perfect, don’t look for perfection where none exists rather, look at manageable alternatives, compromises you can endure and what you cannot put up with at all. If the good outweighs the bad at the end of the day, you may consider staying on but if it’s a matter of total collapse of trust and numerous points of disagreements, be bold enough to make the choice now so that you can be happy at the end of the day.

Whatever you decide on, first seek the face and permission of God for the sake of your posterity.

Good luck.

One Kid ‘ll Reward 10-year Of Love Venture With Him

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for people like us. I never believed in agony columns until I came across yours. I admire the seriousness and dedication you devote to issues, it is what marks you out from the rest who reduce the seriousness of a problem to a few paragraphs.

There is this guy I have dated for close to 10 years now. He means the world to me and would have wished to be part of his life forever but he happens to be married and made it very clear from the onset of our relationship that he didn’t want a second wife.
At the time we made this arrangement it was okay by me because I didn’t envisage the amount of care and love I would get from him. Since coming into my life he has become the centre of my world. Always giving and attending to all my needs.

Like every other couple we have had our ups and downs but we are always able to resolve such differences without causing a major quake in the relationship.

I love this man with my whole being, which is why I now want something more from this relationship. When I recently told him of my desire to have a child for him, he declined and has since then avoided getting intimate with me.

I have tried every trick I know to get him to make love to me but he has consistently refused, insisting he doesn’t want the complications in his life. When I asked him what I meant to him, he told me he found true love with me but because of his commitment to his wife, cannot express it beyond the extent he has gone.

I am almost 41. I have given this man the best of my years and what do I get for it? Material things, which wouldn’t give me the comfort a child gives.

Agatha, is it too much to ask that he allows me give him a child? Isn’t that the ultimate evidence of love between a man and woman?

It is evident from all the men I see that I would never be able to love another man the way I love this man. Besides, I don’t have many choices anymore.

When I discussed with a friend of mine about the problem I was having, she initially took me to a white garment church where after being warned against my plans, we went to see a native doctor who promised to give me something to induce him into making love to me.

Since going to see the native doctor, he has stopped coming to my house and has been refusing my calls prompting me to go to his office. When I challenged him about his new attitude, he told me to leave him alone. My friends have suggested I go and visit him at home so that his wife will know he has someone else in his life. I actually feel very bad about his new attitude. Where does he expect me to get another man at his age? Is a baby too much to ask from a man I have been with for 10 years? What has his wife that I cannot offer him? I am really tempted to go and introduce myself to his wife to force him to negotiate with me.

I really want to hear from you before doing something nasty.

Alice.

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Dear Alice,

What has his wife that you cannot offer him? Plenty of things! In the first place his wife is legitimate while you are illegitimate. Even if he loves you more than his wife, she is his soul mate while you are simply the other woman in his life. God knew all about you from the beginning yet allowed him freedom to marry the woman He gave to him, the woman with whom He planned the life of this man.

If God wanted you as a permanent feature in this man’s life, He would have made you his wife. Besides, you met him at his point of comfort, while the wife met him at his time of struggle. She believed in him to have given up her freedom to share in his life, to help him build his dream. Had you met him a pauper, a struggling man, one you have to help build, would you have willingly mortgaged 10 years of your life for him?

Had he denied you material comfort, would you have been struggling to have a child for him? Gone to the length you did or claim to be so much in love with him? It is easy for the woman outside to fall in love with comfort whereas the wife is the one who falls in love with the essence of the man.

This man loves his wife because she first discovered the treasures in him even before he himself did. It takes a woman with insight, determination, patience, tolerance and a caring heart to turn stone into pure gold. This is the point this man is begging you to understand and why he doesn’t want to hurt this woman who made him the successful man you think you are in love with.

This woman isn’t just a page or chapter like you, but the entire volume of his whole life book. These are the things she has going for her, which you will never have whether you give him a baby or not.

This woman remains his foundation, his anchor and vision for greater heights. She is a wife material everyday, one that his relationship with you isn’t strong enough to erase from his memory. If she weren’t such a strong and positive factor, he would have given in to your request.

If there was ever a time you loved this man, display it now and stop harassing him. From the beginning he gave you his rule for the game and you accepted without complaining so why are you now hell bent on changing the rule? Granted, he has been unfair to his wife, cheated on her for 10 years, but having come to his senses, he doesn’t want you anymore.

Beyond destroying what you cannot have, what other thing do you hope to achieve by going to his wife? It won’t change his mind about having a baby with you or make you take the place of his wife in his life. At the end of the day, you will only have succeeded in destroying your image and cause him to regret whatever motivated him into having a relationship with you. Whether your relationship with him was ideal or not, one thing cannot be wished away, the years you spent together. It has made him special to you and you to him. If you are very sensible, this is a contact you should keep and not destroy. You don’t have to be intimate with him for him to continue to offer assistance when you need it.

Besides, you cannot really blame him for the years you claimed to have wasted. Honestly, you don’t have any basis for what you are doing to this man. You made the choice to wait because he never promised you anything or gave you any reason to hope he would divorce his wife to marry you.

At least, he was honest with you from day one to enable you make your choice. You reserved the right to walk away from it all, and at any point. He took care of you because you were available. He must have felt something special for you being around you for this long but not enough to make him go back on the promise he made to himself or wife.

You failed to walk out for reasons best known to you. You wanted it all, a ready-made menu. There is no reaping without sowing. This man belongs to another woman, leave him alone irrespective of the mistake he made, including the abuse of his marital vows.

Simply because you are not his wife should dull your senses of fairness. For 10 years, you took what belonged to this woman, infringed on her rights, time and joy. All the moments you spent with the husband should by right belong to her and the children. The money and material things he gave you should been spent on the children and wife.

No matter how perfect this man may have been, 10 years is a long time for his wife not to have gotten information about you or know her husband has been cheating on her. One or two persons would have told her. That she didn’t come after you couldn’t have been out of fear or cowardice but respect for her marriage and man.

Walk away with whatever pride you have left and learn to pray to God for His forgiveness as well as help in finding a focus for your life. This woman has every right to brand you in whatever garment she deems fit if you make the mistake of going to her house to cause a scene. Beyond the evidence of gossip, what other proof do you have that this man has been dating you? Are you pregnant or do you have a baby tucked in the corner as evidence of your right in his life? She should be the one fighting you not you fighting her.

Stop acting desperately and also take precious time consulting spiritualists or native doctors because you are standing on a wrong ground. If you are wise and focused, irrespective of your age, you will still find the right man but this can only be if you make peace with God and yourself.

Good luck.

Hard To Say Bye After Years Of Undiluted Love For Him

Dear Agatha,

Thanks so much for the help you are rendering to many youths, who are helpless in one situation or the other.

I am 22 years of age and have been in a relationship with a man I love for the past five years. It isn’t a secret relationship as all our family members are aware of it.

He taught me what love really is. We are both deeply in love.

He comes from a very humble family and despite this, I can’t love another man as I have given him my whole heart, soul and body.

My love for him was so deep that each time he came home from his base in the North and lacked the money to pay his transport fare, I would lie to my parents about needing something so as to raise money for him. At times, I had to do menial jobs without the knowledge of my parents just to support him financially.

I didn’t even get angry when he impregnated my best friend. I forgave him because I knew it was temptation.

My whole life centered round his welfare, happiness and needs. Not that I lacked male attention. Men were coming, asking my hand in marriage, his immediate elder brother inclusive. Despite the fact that he hasn’t proposed to me, my answer was constant, I had a fiancé whom I loved with all my heart.

However, our problem started last month when he called on Sunday afternoon to ask about my whereabouts. Since it was the usual thing with him, I told him where I was and whom I was with. When I mentioned that I was with my landlord’s son in my father’s apartment, he got angry and asked why I was in his company. Without waiting for my reply or explanations, he didn’t just rain abuses on me but also accused me of being unfaithful to him. He ended up threatening to get himself another girlfriend.

Since then, I have been begging him and asking for his forgiveness while trying to make it clear there is nothing going on between me and the boy.

He refused to listen and insists I have been cheating on him. He has threatened to hand over the phone to his new girlfriend when next I call him. He has also gone ahead to tell my brother that he is no longer interested in me and that he has gotten another girl he wants to marry.

Agatha, can you imagine the pains I am going through? This is a man I have dated for five years. I can't imagine myself losing him to another girl because I love him so much. I cry whenever I remember what I passed though because of him.

He doesn’t call me anymore. The worst thing is, I can’t love another man like I love him. Each time, I remember him, I cry like a baby. Should I keep begging him to come back? If no, what should I do to get over all this mess, to forget him forever?

Gift.

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Dear Gift,

From the moment he impregnated your friend, he has been looking for excuse to quit the relationship just that you were too much in love with him to see the handwritings on the wall. And when the opportunity presented itself, he smartly took advantage of it to do what he had always wanted, escape from you.

A man who cares about you will resist the urge to sleep with his woman’s best friend, no matter how strong the temptation is. To have gotten her pregnant in the process of having a secret relationship with her shows a deep flaw in his character as well as his puncture a huge hole in his avowed commitment to you.

From the moment he slept with your friend, he broke the bond of trust and excused himself from whatever commitment he had towards you. The closeness of the person he slept with should have warned you that there were other women in his life.

Any man capable of sleeping with his wife’s best friend and gotten her pregnant in the process must have slept with other women too.

Your years of commitment to him not withstanding, you failed on your part to recognise the signs of infidelity. You failed to look beyond the perfect image you have built around this man.

While it is good to forgive, a sensible woman would have used the opportunity provided by the pregnancy of her friend to look at the hidden marks in the mirror. Had you done that, this whole episode won’t have been this devastating since you would have prepared yourself for something like this.

That he has gotten himself another woman within such a short time is enough evidence for you to know that even if he comes back to you now, he would never be faithful to you. Let him go but look at your own faults too to the collapse of the relationship.

In particular, look at the quality of challenge you presented him as a woman. Beyond being so much in love with him and willing to do things to please him even at great cost to your comfort, what will he remember you for? Were you a real challenge to him in terms of character? What do you think attracted him to your friend in the first place?

What do you really know about this man? What is peculiar to him and what intrigues him in a woman? To have a successful relationship, you must strive to patent your relationship to suit the character of your partner. Without a firm knowledge of one’s partner, his or her personal lifestyle, he or she would be difficult to please. A firm knowledge of the lifestyle of one’s partner enables one to first key properly into the person’s life first before any change can be done.

In your five years of being with this man, how many times did you bother to go down to his base to visit and fetch information about him? Do you even have any inkling into the type of life he lives in the north where he is based?

Nothing comes from nothing. Love cannot come from nothing. You may have fallen in love with him but it takes something extra special to appreciate the quality of the relationship.

Again, can you think of any other mistake you may have made in the five years you were together? Were you bossy or acted as his superior? How did you treat him as a man? These are issues you must honestly find answers to for the purpose of another relationship. Did you also suffocate him with your brand of love? Funny as this may sound, some men get scared and stiff when confronted with such quality of love because they think it would infringe on their freedom and ability to be themselves. Has he ever complained about your kind of love?

Sometimes, what we think is done out of love or to communicate our true feelings come as dangerous signals to those in our lives. The average man likes to be in charge of his affairs and gets frightened by a domineering woman or one who lacks initiative.
Like I said, this post-mortem is to help you focus more on your area of strength and what to avoid in your subsequent relationships.

Using the experiences of this relationship would secure you a more balanced as well as happier relationship in the future provided you are a good student of history.

Yes, it is painful but in every situation be grateful to God. What would you have done if after you get married, he persists in his reckless and disrespectful lifestyle? How much can your love endure if he is tempted to sleep with every female around you?

How many times can you afford to forgive him if he has several children outside your home? Being so deeply in love with him may not be enough to sustain a relationship that is constantly being battered by a litany of unfaithfulness? There is always a limit to human endurance.

Grieve because of the pains his unfaithfulness has inflicted on you but don’t allow it to becloud your appreciation of the real beauty of the life ahead of you. God never does things without a good reason. Behind every cloud of pains and disappointment, there are beautiful colours of rainbows. Time, the perfect healer will eventually heal you of this pains of rejection you have suffered.

When you meet the right man, he will not only treat you like the queen you are supposed to be in his life, he would appreciate your love and never take it for granted like this one did.

Learn to lean more on God as well as allow yourself to be influenced by His decisions for you. It is the only way you can ever hope to be happy in life.

Good luck.