Raped At Five, Am I Wrong Calling Myself Virgin?

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend is 22 while I am 19. Our relationship is still secret because of the disposition of my parents towards me having a relationship.

I consider myself a virgin because I haven’t had sex in my life, though I was raped at the age of five. I have told my boyfriend that I am a virgin and as a result would not submit myself to him until we marry. He is completely in agreement with me over this.

But I am afraid about how he would react if he finds out on our wedding night that I am not the virgin as I claimed.

Sophia.

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Dear Sophia,

You were raped at age five when you had little or nothing to say about what happened to you. You were innocent of the act hence should have told him the truth from the beginning. No decent man would have held you responsible for an act you were too young and innocent to know how it happened or what you could have done to prevent it.

Technically, you may be a virgin but in reality you are not. Whether you did it out of your volition or not, the fact that penetration took place means your seal has been broken.

However, not telling him has put the guilty verdict on you squarely. He would think your decision now is an after thought and may make the story of your rape at that early age difficult to accept as truth.

Besides, it calls to question your motive of keeping the issue from him. Was it really fear or something else? This is the explanation you have to provide him with. It also underscores your understanding of him and the trust you both have on each other vis-à-vis your relationship.

A relationship pampered with plenty of trust, understanding and friendship would not have difficulties dragging something as delicate as this from the cupboards. Having made up your minds to spend the rest of your lives together, this issue is one of the things you should have dealt with long before now.

There is no way someone or somebody close to you wouldn’t tell him about the ugly incident. Not necessarily to spite you but to help him understand whatever behaviours that incident may have brought upon you.

Besides, you may not know the extent of psychological damage to you since you are yet to experience sex with a man in your adult life. The consequences of violent sex often go beyond the injury sustained at the time. For some ladies, they never get over the memory of the incident for life. It takes the combined mercy of God and understanding of their men to help them get back to near normal life.

Before he finds out, tell him the whole truth and why you were afraid to tell him all along. Let him understand in clear terms your fears over telling him and why you think he might not be interested in you again.

If he leaves you on account of telling him the truth, it only means he never loved you and that he only wanted you because of your virginity.

Although it would hurt you but a man who cannot stand by you during your moment of trials isn’t worth your love.

This may be the text your relationship needs to firm up its foundation.

Even though you haven’t displayed enough trust in him in the first place, this incident would act the much-needed barometer to properly gauge his interest in you as well as the amount of confidence he has in your person.

If you wait until your wedding night to tell him the truth, it could torpedo your marital bliss because suspicion would have been created in his mind about the authenticity of your story.

Whatever your fears may be, it is both important and urgent you take him along because it takes a minute to trust or lost confidence in a person.

Good luck.

Homosexual: Ready To Sacrifice Me, His Baby, Our Wedding

Dear Agatha,

I’m 31, getting ready to marry my heartthrob at the end of this month. I’m already three months gone but to my horror I came to his house unexpectedly recently to meet him and his so-called best man in bed.

He actually told me he would be out of town for the next few days but I had forgotten my wallet containing all my ATM cards in his house so decided to get it before going for shopping that day.

They obviously didn’t hear me because I caught them right in the act.

To make the matter worse, I seem to be an outsider because he told me pointblank that he isn’t ready to give up his relationship with his partner. And that if I am not comfortable, I can call off the wedding and keep the child to myself as compensation for our relationship of three years. He said he would provide me with all the support I need to bring up the child in a very good and comfortable environment if I decide to end the relationship on account of what I witnessed.

Agatha, other women have female competitors, I have to deal with my boyfriend having a male friend, and one he is ready to give me up for.

I can’t ever get over the image of them together and there is no way I can ever give myself to him again but how do I explain my sudden change of mind to my family? How do I cope with being a single parent? At 31, where do I begin from again?

My chief bride’s suggests I abort the baby since it would be a sad reminder of a memory so abominable. My elder sister I told is also of the same view. She says it is best the pregnancy is terminated to end whatever unfortunate misadventure I had with this man.

Another thing I am so confused about is my feelings for him. He is actually the first man I fell for and would really love for a long time to come. I am right now so confused about everything. How do I explain to my parents about the cancellation of the marriage plans and the reason for it? How do I tell my father especially about the pregnancy? My mother is the only one who is aware of my state and didn’t say anything because my marriage is some few weeks away but now that I am canceling it, how do I handle my father if I decide not to abort? Should I decide to go for abortion can you recommend any good doctor for me because I am petrified by the problems I have to deal with in such a short time. We had our engagement ceremony in January. We decided to postpone the wedding date because his mother has been very sick.

Martha.

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Dear Martha,

This is tough. But one thing you must not do is to abort that child. Whatever happens between you and its father, you must do everything to protect the child you are carrying inside your womb. This child is a special gift from God and could be your only child.

Don’t visit the sin of the father on an innocent life, give it a chance to live and make you happy.

At 31, you aren’t too young to get pregnant and have a baby. Besides, it isn’t as if the paternity of the child is enmeshed in controversy. The father isn’t denying it. At the time you decided to get pregnant, your relationship was heading for the altar so your father or anybody can’t question your decision to get married. Besides, having done the traditional thing, under the native laws and customs you are married and simply waiting for the blessings of the church.

So, this child is legitimate. Besides, you still have its father to answer to. That your body houses the child doesn’t give you sole ownership or exclusive rights over it.

Even if you find the conduct of the father loathsome, he is still the father of your unborn baby hence has the same rights that you have. What do you tell him about the baby? Aborting that child would make you a worst monster than the man you are running away from. I don’t know of any doctor to recommend. In Nigeria, abortion is still illegal, only done when the life of the mother is threatened. I don’t support it because you would be snuffing life out of an innocent soul.

There is nothing to explain to your father beyond telling him that you are pregnant. He may not support you giving birth to your child in his house. Because the child belongs to its father as much as it belongs to you, insist he rents you a comfortable accommodation in a place far away from your friends and family members. Being away from prying eyes would make the pains of your disappointment more manageable and endurable for you. He could also get you a nanny to help you with the baby until you are able to get back to work.

Therefore, this is not the time for you to play the heroine, you need all the help you can get from him to care for this child. It would have been a different case if you started out with the intention of being a single mother but being forced into it requires you take advantage of all the assistance being offered you.

From this early, discuss what his responsibilities are to his child and what to expect as the child grows up. It would also be in the interest of both of you to discuss how you intend to have your future relationship especially concerning the welfare and care of the baby.

As for the scene you witnessed, it is unfortunate but you must strive to put it behind you and move on with whatever decision you eventually make concerning the future of your relationship with him. Once you have made the decision, both of you should decide on the excuse to give your friends and relations especially yours since his people may not know about his sexual preferences.

You need to be careful whom you tell the truth concerning the nature of your challenge with him, not for anything but your child. This matter calls for absolute wisdom. Yes, the truth is not negotiable but sometimes, silence can be golden. And this is the time for such discretion. The true nature of your story should be a family secret because it could also call to question the paternity of your child from mischievous people who don’t know the difference between pure gays and bisexuals.

Your story should be uniformed for people can identify with it. However, your parents have the right to be told the truth but have to support your wishes not to make it public.

It is natural for you to still feel love for him. There is no way you can extinguish the love you have for this man on the strength of what happened between the two of you.

It would take a long process for you to get over him if the choice is to end it. Don’t force it or allow the situation make you bitter and resentful about men generally.

I know the amount of pains you are going through now as well as the fear that the situation has generated inside of you. It won’t go away in a day or soon. Remember, this is just three years of something you planned to be permanent. You must have loved him deeply to make the decision to give him your remaining life.

Dwelling over what you witnessed would only cause you more pains. Like he said, regard this baby as compensation for everything you have been through with him. Invest all your love on ensuring the baby turns out right. Ensure whatever mistakes your man’s mother did with him, that you don’t do it to your child.

The God that sees the end from the beginning knows why the pregnancy came at the time it did. God is never one to plan things without a purpose. Just key into His purpose for you and you will be the happier for it in the end. Some women only get to discover what you chanced on after their marriages and have no choice but to endure the humiliation in silence. God planned it all to give you the chance to make up your mind about the choice you have to make.

As for you being able to begin again, your new beginning lies in the success you record in handling this challenge as well as your pending motherhood.

If you never had a relationship with God, this is the time for you to have one. Take your entire burden to Him in prayers and supplication because some of the things we regard as human beings as disappointments do turn out to be our strength and glory in the end.

There is no way you would have been happy in this arrangement. It is easier to fend your husband off a female lover. But how do you fight him over a male lover? How do you explain to your friends and family that your rival is your husband’s bestfriend, the bestman at your wedding?

In every situation, God says we should give Him all the glory. Yes, the emotional pains now may be unbearable but once you surrender yourself to the wishes of God, you will survive it all after a while.

One thing you must never forget is the fact that you don’t have the licence for this problem. The God that helped men and women who found themselves in your situation would also help you out in these your crucial hours of need.

Good luck

I’m Carrying Unwanted Pregnancy… Father Plans University Education

Dear Agatha,

I’m 19 years of age and pregnant for a man who has told me to keep the baby. But my problem is that my father wants me to have a university education. I’m the only child left out of his three children at home with him. My elder sister and brother are both married.

I am so confused.

Helpless Lady.

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Dear Helpless Lady,

Your father’s intentions and dreams for you are commendable. This is because he knows that the best legacy a parent can bequeath to a child is a good education. With a sound education, the sky becomes a stepping-stone and not the limit.

As a woman, there is no emphasising the essence of getting a premium education because gone are the days when women depended on their husbands for everything. Your education empowers you to be who you want to be without putting all the pressures on the man.

It also gives you a broader perspective with which to manage your home as well as ensure all your children get properly educated. It gives you the economical strength to prepare for the unexpected.

This is the wish of your father for you and one any sensible child desirous of quality life should key into.

Like every loving parent, your father doesn’t want you to suffer needlessly or live a life below God’s standards for you. His desire is to offer you protection against the very vice you have fallen into. His desires for you come from his experiences in life; his deeper knowledge of the future of the world and how one who isn’t educationally and economically equipped for it would find it so difficult to survive.

But you are now pregnant which means you have to wait until after the birth of the baby to pursue your own dreams in life. The danger of your situation is not being able to achieve your father’s dream for you if your man is the type that has no vision for himself let alone offering you the needed encouragement to further your own dreams.

Though you are still young at 19, your current situation has made you more matured than your age. This is an indication that you must stop thinking in terms of a distant future to the reality of your situation.

Your pregnancy has removed you from the protection and responsibility of your father, it has placed you strictly under the responsibility of the man whose baby you are carrying.

You lost the right to worry about your father’s feelings and desires for you the moment you agreed to sleep and get pregnant for a man you are not married to. You have made your choice in life and that is thinking about the well-being of the child inside of you, how to ensure the child doesn’t suffer from care and lack.

So that you don’t end up with more regrets later in life, you must begin from this early beginning to put proper structure in place for your economic dependence. To be frank with you, there is no way your man, unless he is very comfortable, can look after you and your baby adequately without some help from you.

You can therefore plead with your father to help set you in business. Though far from the type of life he has envisaged for you, it would at least ensure you have some economical comfort in life.

Get your sister and brother to plead on your behalf for some economical settlement because at 19, your future is still far away and requires some levels of assistance to help you get it off the ground.

Towards this, you must first tell your father about your state. Don’t expect him to be joyous over what you have done. He would, out of anger and disappointment, say things or behave out of character, just keep pleading with him to forgive you. Yes, it may be your life but if you think deeply, your decisions also affect those around you.

He would be particularly disappointed because of his high dreams for you but if you learn to be patient and able to endure his condemnation, you will be able to persuade him after a while to help establish you financially.

His disappointment would be minimised if the man who is responsible for putting you in the family way shows sufficient commitment towards you and the baby. Encourage the man to do the right thing by coming to see your father with his people. It is not enough telling you to keep the baby he must do what is expected to give your family the confidence and peace of mind to keep relating with you in love, confidence and respect.

Beyond asking you to keep the baby what other plans has he discussed with you? What do you know about this man? Is he married or single and have you met his family?

Although these concerns are belated, but still not out of place so you know what you are up against. It would also help inform your family the quality of help to offer you. The truth is in your state, you are not in any position to bargain with him. Whether you like it or not, some day, his child would return to him so he is the one that needs to handled with care because the moment you decided to sleep with him and have unprotected sex, you put yourself on the vulnerable line. Your current shame is yours alone to carry, not his. The pride of a woman and power she has over any man is her moral value. Had you protected your values jealously, you won’t be going through these challenges.

Whatever happens, hold on to your dreams; don’t ever negotiate it away no matter the issues confronting you today. It is very essential a woman has a life of her own, it is the only way she can be happy in the choices she has made. In addition, trust God and have faith in His decisions for you.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

I’m 29, living and working in Lagos. I need a girlfriend from 22 years of age, residing and working in Lagos to be my partner. I expect her to be somebody with team spirit, kind-hearted, and above it all, somebody whom I can share in her success, problem, and joy, just as she can share in mine too.

Interested lady can contact me on this line, 0803-935-1522

Vin.

Lacking Confidence To Bargain Lady’s Love

Dear Agatha,

I’m 25 years of age, very comfortable but my biggest problem is the lack of woman in my life. Never in my life have I dated a girl from morning till night. The girl a friend introduced to me, I don’t like. Besides, I don’t even know how to talk to her.

What do I do? Please help me.

AA.

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Dear AA,

First you have to identify the problem you have with women. Can you recall anything that could have turned you against women generally?

Was there anytime or any incident in your past that could induced this feeling of discomfort against women in you? A lot of the time, our attitudes towards people are things that come from our childhood experiences.

What was the relationship between you and all the women around you when you were growing up? Were you very close to your mother or was she the type of mother that constantly disapproved of anything you did, the kind that nagged and insisted that women were bad news for you?

Do you have any sisters? How can you describe your relationship with them? Are you close to them or did you all grow up in your different worlds, a world forced on you by your disapproving parents who think giving sisters and brothers the freedom to interact could spell doom?

Chances are that if you and your sisters didn’t have that close relationship, it could affect your relationship with other women because in your subconscious, every woman reminds you of your sisters and brings to fore all that childhood buried memories.

If this is the case, you must make a determined effort to let go of those memories with the sole aim of being happy in your life.

Childhood memories have the tendency of making or unmaking one in life especially those who aren’t psychologically strong enough to confront their past.

Your problem could also come from the experiences you had with your female colleagues or even your friends who may have done one or two things to make your confidence shaky. An unkind statement from your time past could have logged into your subconscious, refusing happiness in your life.

It could also come from a nasty rejection by one woman you really admire and whose memories have refused to vacate your mind. You may not know it but without you meaning to or able to explain it, you keep seeing her in all the women around you and this could definitely make you wary of getting close to a woman.

Can you identify precisely what could be affecting your current relationship with women?

Look inside of you for the answer and if it has to do with the fear every well to do man has over getting the right woman who loves him for who he is and not for the money he has, playing down on your affluence could help a great deal. But it would help you to have a mental image of the issue to enable you know how to deal with them.

And if it’s a case of natural shyness, all you have to do is to take each moment as it comes. A good smile can change a lot of things and also carry its own powerful message.

Quality communication between couples comes from a happy, honest and understanding heart. Don’t be afraid to let the lady you are interested in a preview of your life; it would help you a great deal if she understands the challenges you are having with women generally.

It would enable her know how and where to help you adjust appropriately in terms of you being happy as well as comfortable in the company of women.

Importantly, you must learn to relax in the company of a woman. Don’t try to impress or pretend to be who you are not. Be your natural self because the woman you try to impress would certainly leave you when she discovers that you are not exactly what you claim to be.

By being yourself, you give your girlfriend and relationship the chance to be happy.

So when next you see a girl you like, don’t allow whatever it is that is keeping you prisoner get the best of you. Rather, give in to the natural urge to be happy by giving her your best smile. I guarantee you, it works more than any word can achieve at a first meeting. This is because a smile from the heart communicates friendship, an offer not many can resist.

Good luck.

She Caught Me In Bed With Another Woman…

Dear Agatha,

I have a problem with my girlfriend at school. She caught me with another girl in my room and decided to quit the relationship. But my major problem is that I love her so much. I want her but don't know how to get her back.

I need your assistance.

Chinedu.

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Dear Chinedu,

You have offended your girlfriend in one of the worst ways a man can hurt a woman. You destroyed whatever trust, confidence and respect she had for you. Finding you in the arms of another woman is akin to ripping her heart apart. It isn’t only when a man assaults a woman that he devalues her; when a man goes outside his official relationship to have an affair with another woman, he not only devalues the official woman in his life but also opens her to the scorn of mischievous minded persons.

Such an act also calls to question the feelings you both share. A relationship is essentially between two people who trust each other with everything about them, including their spiritual lives. Relationship goes beyond the physical, it is a highly spiritual because it involves things we don’t see. Any mistake you make in the choice of this other woman could affect her in more ways than you imagine. It could affect her health in the sense that you put her at risk of contacting any disease the other lady may have and have passed on to you.

So when a man goes outside his official partner to have an affair, not only is he having an affair with all the other men the woman may have been with but is also unwittingly passing the same affairs to his official woman since anything he contacts from this affair, he passes to the woman in his life who not only suffers the injury of his betrayal but his indiscretion as well.

Involving a third party not only corrupts but also introduce problems that ordinarily should not manifest.

By sharing her space in your heart and life with another woman would not only cause her physical pains but also spiritual pains which is why you must beg for her forgiveness as fast as you can.

If you can’t go on your own, enlist the help of friends she respect and send them to beg her to forgive you.

You have to create the opportunity for her to give you the chance to explain and this can only happen if you first go to beg her.

In begging be truthful and not try to put the blame on any other person. Tell her frankly what drove you to the other woman and how too late you realised she is wrong for you.

The truth may not be what your girlfriend wants to hear at the time but it would help her realise the sincerity in you and how much she would miss all that if she leaves you for another man.

It would also make forgiveness quicker than telling her pack of lies which in the long run could ruin your relationship beyond redemption.

There is still no alternative to telling the truth so tell her why you went into it. It would help her value your promises never to do that again since such promise would be coming from a sincere heart.

Good luck.

Gossips About My Lover Misled Me

Dear Agatha,

You are a gift to this generation, because you’ve been of immense help to hundreds of lives in and out of this country. May God bestow you with more wisdom to save more lives.

I am a 20-year-old male undergraduate in one of the universities in the south of this country. Less than a month ago, I broke up with my girlfriend, based on the numerous stories friends have been telling me about her and my best friend. Initially, I tried to ignore all these gossips but eventually I gave in to the gossips. I terminated our relationship but have since realised I made a terrible mistake. I was and still very much in love with her.

Since leaving her, I have known no peace. My love for her is stronger.

I went back to plead with her and even apologised for my actions explaining my reasons for what I did.

She still loves me but the problem is she has lost the confidence in me.

According to her she has chosen not to love me again owing to her experience with me.

Agatha, I love this girl so much, and I can’t imagine what will happen if I can’t get her back. Another problem is that we are in the same department in school.

Please help me. I am confused.

Young Heart.

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Dear Young Heart,

She is hurt because you didn’t trust her enough and didn’t give her enough credit to be responsible. Lack of trust in your partner can destroy the best of relationships because nobody likes to be doubted especially if innocent of the offences being accused of.

It also shows you don’t trust anybody around you if you can believe that your best friend and girl friend are having an affair behind you.

What you should have done was to have asked her and your best friend about all the stories people were telling about the two of them by giving both of them a chance to defend themselves against the rumours making the rounds about them.

To have terminated the relationship without making the effort to get them to respond is her main worry. What assurances are there that you would not again condemn her for a crime she knows nothing of should the situation arise again?

For her, the issue here goes beyond apologising for having little or not trust in her. Rather, it is giving her assurance of how you intend to handle such matter in future. She must have gone through a lot of embarrassments at the hands of the same people who pressured you into leaving her. Knowing they have achieved their aim, they would ensure everybody is told the real reason you terminated the relationship.

If she is a decent girl, the smear on her reputation would for a long time to come haunt her and make her wonder at why you doubted her in the first place.

This type of memory is the kind that doesn’t go away easily. It stays etched in the memory for a long time. For this reason, you would have to give her time to heal naturally and sufficiently to be able to love you unconditionally again.

You don’t accuse a woman of such moral offence and expects her to be happy. Your accusation went beyond the ordinary; it touches on her values as a young lady, calls to question the type of home training she got from her parents, throws dust into her desires in life.

The fact that you thought her capable of not only doing it but with someone you call your best friend also makes her wonder at her ability to cope later in life. She needs assurances that getting close to your friends or brothers would not cause her pains or make you throw her out of your life unceremoniously. One thing is to be accused of having an affair but with one so close puts a woman in complete confusion as to how she would be able to handle her man’s various relationships without getting burnt in the process.

Can you assure her that from this moment she is safe and free to relate with your friends freely without you raising dust over her reputation?

Again another issue is her safety in her other relationships. No man is an island and we were all created to depend on each other to be accomplished in life. Would you be able to tolerate her having a platonic relationship with other boys you don’t know?

This is the point where you both have to redefine your relationship, to touch all those areas you didn’t know you have to deal with before. The good thing about this type of experience is that it provides a relationship with the opportunity to grow and for the couple involved to know the areas that are likely to cause major problems later in life.

It also provides couples with the knowledge of how to handle future challenges. I am sure the next time this type of situation occurs, you would know what to take and what not to take. A flourishing relationship is always prone to destructive gossips from those who are envious. This is why you must at all times filter what you allow into your mind. As you both grow you would discover so many of these intentional gossips aimed at destroying you.

Explaining all the lessons you have learnt to your girlfriend as well as the decisions you have taken to prevent this type of situation would make her reconsider your pleas and desire to have her back.

To have her confidence back, don’t push her too much to accept you back. Begin by being friend with her, sending her text messages as well as taking her to her favourite spots. Once you don’t pressurise her, allowing her to see your renewed love as well as the trust you now have in her, would eventually make her come back,

As for being in the same department, provided you are both responsible and apply yourselves with the best intentions, there is nothing to fear.

What is essential is for both of you to know what you want and the reason you are in school.

Good luck.

Help, I’m In Love With My Brother In-law

Dear Agatha,

I am 23 years old. I work as a clerk while the boy who wants me for a wife is 28. He is actually a brother to my uncle’s wife.

Both of us live with my uncle. He has a secondary school certificate holder but runs a small business of his own.

I am confused and need your advice.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

There is more to the marriage institution than many of us realise. And in your case, the issues are complex than the average arrangement. This is because of the relationship between you and this man on one hand and the relationship between your sister and his brother on the other hand. There are also the feelings and sentiments of your two families who may want to go into cultural taboos and other sentimental reasons to either advance their reasons or condemn your decisions to be involved with each other.

Although marriage is ideally between two people, in this instance, it is best you begin the process outside the two of you.

This is because your relationship may not withstand the opposition that would arise against it.

In the first instance, your customs may not favour two of you having anything in common given that he is your brother-in-law and you his sister-in-law.

Some cultural beliefs belong to the school of thought that such relationship is too close for comfort.

Before going further, both of you asking your families about the suitability of a relationship between two of you would help you two know how to proceed.

There is also the issue of the suitability of both of you staying together with your uncle and his wife. It is not right. The scandal it would lead to might be too much for the families to contend with should the knowledge of the relationship erupt prematurely. Reason maybe scarce then as the couple you both stay with would feel betrayed by your behavior. They may be too hurt to listen to any reasons then.

Apart from telling them, social and moral courtesies demand that a man planning marriage be on his own. It would be reckless and naive for both of you to assume that the couple would support your continued stay in their house for fear of you getting pregnant.

If this guy is serious about beginning his life, he should start by moving out of the house to a place of his own; no matter how small.

It is one of the indices that he is not just sweet-talking you into a situation that is guaranteed to put you in an emotional turmoil now or later.

Men don’t get married as squatters. Insist on his getting a place of his own as one of the conditions that would determine if you will marry him or not.

This is because both of you need your privacy to bond and plan your journey together before the children begin to pop up. The initial months of marriage, when the couple doesn’t have an audience is when they are able to effectively marshal their plans.

It is also the time to build worthwhile memories that can be used to save the marriage when the storms of uncertainties come.

Both of you must appreciate that the glamour and make believe world of the wedding is a false mask and that the challenge comes after everyone has taken his or her leave; when a couple wakes to behold the stranger he or she has elected to spend the rest of the life with.

On the issue of his qualification; neither of you need a university education to gain entrance into the marriage institution. What matters is what he has done; go into a form of gainful employment to earn enough money to fend for his family.

He may be one of those people who do not have the flair for education. Some people are not destined to make it through formal education. What is important in life is the success one makes out of any given situation.

Your role in his life is to help him build and manage his success. This you could do by showing interest in his business. Chances are that you will observe many things he is blind to due to his close involvement in the business. Your investment could be in terms of ideas on how to expand or support to help him think and take the right decisions.

But for this to happen, your marriage must be blessed with friendship and respect. When a couple lacks the perfect understanding of each other, does not have mutual respect for each other, is insensitive to the desires and needs of the other, lacks the patience and enduring power to help the other grow, the couple would never find the optimum satisfaction that brought them together.

You must begin early to chart how both of you can help each other grow. You have to be more than a wife to him. You have to learn to play the role of his mother, sister, confidant and friend effectively. This is particularly necessary because of the limitation you think his lack of comprehensive education has foisted on him.

Like you, some people from time to time would feel this is a huge handicap to him. You must be there to help him when he is down. God may have endowed men with the physical strength but women have more of the emotional strength and stability needed to paddle marriage through the mire. You have to be his strength, his pride and anchor always.

To do this effectively, you must first evaluate your own feelings for this man. Do you love him sufficiently not to be embarrassed by what you still deeply in your mind consider a disadvantage?

Beyond wanting to marry him, how well do you know him? Can you cope with his temper, attitude, friends or character?

Whatever happens, be convinced that your respect and love for him are etched firmly in your heart before saying yes to him because marriage is a journey that is initiated on promises but fueled on determination to make it work at all cost.

Also, it is important you pray alone and together for both of you to be certain that God has a hand in it.

And if the signals you are getting do not favour both of you coming together as one, it is always better to let go to avoid the mistake of a bad choice.

Good luck.

My Husband Complains About My Skin

Dear Agatha,

Please which cream do I use to tone my skin? Even though I am naturally light in complexion, my husband is still complaining. Please help me.

Ng.

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Dear Ng.

I don’t know of any cream to recommend to you for that purpose but there are various ways of ensuring your skin retains premium look. Exfoliation of the skin for instance helps make your skin come alive. It works by removing the dead skin, leaving the one under glowing and radiant.

This is achieved by investing in a skin scrub; massage liberally on the skin, leave for 10 minutes before washing off. Ensure too you invest on a facial cleanser and a good moisturiser that goes with your skin type.

Eat well too for a healthier skin; plenty of fruits and vegetables are very good for the skin. So also is a peaceful and happy mind.

Bleaching destroys the skin and can expose you to the danger of skin cancer if not properly managed. You also might end up with bad patches and badly damaged skin, which could make your husband to abandon you.

While you cannot afford to ignore the interest of your husband, it is essential you apply wisdom to avoid regrets later in life.

If he is the stubborn type that always insists on getting what he wants, keep pleading with him to understand your fear of having cancer of the skin. Exposing him to the dangerous health implications involved in what he is asking you to do would over time help mellow him down.

Good luck.

My Sagging Boobs Mock Me…

Dear Agatha,

I’m a 15-year old SSS 2 student with large breasts. My boobs embarrass me, as I’m constantly being mocked by people. According to these people, boys would run away from me. Unlike my friends whose breasts stand erect, mine are sagging.

What baffles me is that they were straight before. Please what do I do? I need your help.

Helpless Girl.

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Dear Helpless Girl,

The first thing, be positive about who you are. The most important feature of your body is a glowing face; brighten by the most amazing smiles in the world. This is called full-force effect. Nothing beats a confident smile, a peaceful marriage between the mind and the body, affirmative and encouraging, drives away any negative thoughts from your mind and communicates your self-assurances to others around you.

Your attitude about your boobs size is the issue here not the actual size of something so natural and beautiful.

Life is replete with negative people, those who are lacking in self-confidence and are looking for people to initiate into their world of acute unhappiness. The trick is that you must refuse to be initiated. These people never see anything good about other people. They are constantly looking for someone to pick on or infect with their self-destructive virus. Even if you were normal-sized, they would still find something to say about your pair.

The good thing about these negative people is that they help people develop thick skins, needed along life journey. If you were able to manage their opinion to your advantage, you would master the act of self-confidence. Nobody again would be able to get under your skin to make you cry or feel worthless.

When next anyone makes fun of you tell them you are happy at your special pair of gifts and that you have what a lot of women are paying through their noses to have on the surgeon’s table.

Refuse to be intimidated by anyone as well as keep your distance from anybody who is trying to make you feel less than your being.

But if you allow them get under your skin, you risk being at the mercy of the opinions of others about you. These people once they sense their victory, they would always tighten the jaws to break their victim’s remaining resolve.

The tragedy of allowing negative minded people get under your skin is the flipside of confidence; inferiority complex, doubts about your own ability in life and if not well managed it becomes a psychological problem.

Those breasts may look bigger than any of the girls around you now but they would soon become the envy of these same friends who are making fun of you by the time you are a little older than you are now. This is because some clothes look better on full figured women who have the right kind of cleavage to bring out the fitness of the cut.

Also remember that no two women have the same kind of breasts. Even twins don’t have the same kind of breasts. Your breasts are patented to suit your body and well being. So refuse to allow anybody use their jaded idea of what they think you ought to be deprived you of the rewards of being unique. If flat chest women are constantly looking for props to have fuller look, doesn’t that tell you something, most women still think bigger breasts are more in vogue and prettier than small-sized breasts?

On the issue of them not standing erect, they cannot be as erect as those of women with small sizes. Your breasts are only responding to the gravity of nature. They are huge and hence must navigate their own path of comfort. If they stand erect, you won’t be able to tolerate them because they would protrude to cover everything about you up and being more obvious than they are now. Besides, the muscles cannot sustain them that way.

Again, your perception of them standing straight or not comes from what you understand by straight breasts. If you care to look at yours well, they are shaped like pears or paw-paws and not like apples. Fallen breasts are shaped like slippers, very flat with no tissue but sagging skin and tired muscles.

What you should worry about is how you package them to look attractive and well managed. Get your mother to take you to a good bra shop where they would tell you your precise bra size and cup and help you come up with the fits in cuts that are as attractive as smaller bras.

Often, the issue of sagging breasts comes from not knowing the right bra to wear. Unlike women with smaller breasts, you cannot wear a bra that has no good side support or thin-strapped bras. And because you are well endowed, you don’t need padded bras like most women. The only draw back is you have to pay extra for good support bra.

To help you understand why you have bigger breasts than most girls your age, it is pertinent you look around the women in your family. Big breasts are hereditary. You could have inherited yours from your mother or any of your female relations.

Having them share their experiences with you at their ages would also go a long way in helping you handle yours with maturity, dignity and happiness.

The last line to take with you is that God never makes a mistake. He knows you have the ability and confidence to carry what He has given you. So don’t let another person, who wasn’t there on the day God created you to tell you otherwise.

Good luck.

Guys Say I’m Rude, Pompous

Dear Agatha,

I’m 18 years of age. Men complain that I’m rude and arrogant when I converse with them. They say I make them feel bad. This has affected my relationship. What do I do?

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

Being rude and arrogant will get you nowhere in life. These two features can destroy you forever as well as rob you of good opportunities in life.

It isn’t fashionable to be any of these because it shows someone lacking in proper social etiquette. People who are arrogant and rude are regarded as ones with complex problems hence camouflage their deficiencies by being rude and conceited.

Men consider women with these as being vain and totally lacking in proper home-training as well as cultural values.

No urbane society ever teaches it to be uncultured or unrefined.

When someone goes about dishing rudeness to anyone in sight, it presents the person as insensitive and incapable of being trusted with responsibilities.

For a woman, it simply tells the man to run as fast as his legs can carry him from such a woman because she cannot be controlled at home.

At 18, you have more than enough time to change. The first thing is to know why you think being rude and arrogant are the only options you have in life.

To help you understand better the bitter bile you infect people with your rudeness, try putting yourself at the receiving end of it. How do you feel when people dishonour you by their behaviour, treat you as unimportant and irrelevant with what they say and how they say it?

Rudeness is essentially about being insensitive to the values of others and arrogance is about being selfish. Even if you manage to find a man who can endure these behaviours a lot of people around him would pressurise him to let you be on account of your anti-social behaviour.

A woman doesn’t have to be rude to a man to reject his offer. There are very nice ways of saying no without hurting the feelings of each other. As a young lady approaching her prime, a lot of men would be attracted to you, some with good intentions, some with dubious intentions. Out of these, are those who would become your confidants, friends and cheer leaders! They are the ones who would make or mar your happiness in life because any word they say about you becomes official.

Losing their friendship and support to rudeness and arrogance would not only set you back but also rob you of the same wonderful opportunities to get to the next level. This is because some of the people you are meeting today would tomorrow be governors, senators, ministers, captains of industries, opinion moulders, presidency and other important positions in the administration of the country.

Going to them for help, would have been destroyed by your current rudeness and arrogance.

The damage you are doing to yourself is one capable of living long after. If there is anything people don’t forget easily, it is insults to their persons.

Learn to be nice to yourself first. Rudeness and arrogance come from your own unhappiness with who you are. A person who is happy, confident and self-believing is usually not given to rudeness or arrogance.

By giving yourself an opportunity to be happy, you will learn the virtues of civility.

Good luck.

Not Set For Altar, But Goes Crazy Seeing Man Around Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 25 years old and in a relationship with a man who is a year older than I am.

Apart from lacking the qualification, he has only Senior Secondary School Certificate. He is not set for marriage and I’m not getting younger. For now, I have so many suitors requesting for my hand in marriage all of whom I have rejected on account of this man.

The worrisome thing about all these is his attitude when he sees me with other men. He is actually a very jealous person. As a result of his jealousy, I need your help before it gets too late.

Confused Lover.

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Dear Confused Lover,

Before you can both dream or conceive marriage, there must have been something on ground. He must have told you that he wants you enough for keeps and you must also see his preparedness towards achieving the goal.

In addition you must have also begun investing something towards helping him achieve your joint dreams. Marriage doesn’t happen simply because a couple desires it, rather it comes from working towards its actualisation.

From all indices, you desire marriage but not the hard investment that goes with it. This attitude spells trouble in that you risk getting into the hands of the wrong man on account of your hastiness to end up in a man’s house.

You don’t talk about marriage in a vacuum. Agreeing to a relationship doesn’t mean the same thing as agreeing to spend the rest of your lives together.

The man must be as ready as the woman for a marriage to take place. You cannot be talking about marriage to a man who has no job, barely able to feed and lacks a roof on his head.

What sort of marriage and home would such a man offers a woman?

You are definitely at the age when all sorts of men come for your hand in marriage. It isn’t out of place but a lot of what happens afterwards depends on your understanding of what the institution entails and expects of both parties.

Be careful you don’t end up with a man who is full of promises but very empty on delivery.

If you actually feel something for this man, your first worry won’t be leaving him for another man. You should challenge him into performance. Yes, he has little education but that doesn’t make him incapable of achieving something in his life. With the right kind of woman, he can achieve the impossible.

What project or line of business have you tried introducing him to? How have you helped drawn him nearer to his goals in life? In the first place, do you even know what his dreams for himself are let alone his dreams for both of you? Sincerely, if you knew what his dreams were, you won’t be in this state of confusion because you will have right in front of you the dream of achievements.

No matter whom you end up with, if the foundation is empty, devoid of dreams, plans and determinations on how to get to the dreams, you may never be happy. This is a choice we make along with the partner we decide to be with from the beginning of our lives.

The only way a woman can encourage any man especially one like yours, still trying hard to find his momentum in life is to show unconditional understanding. Even if you are so much in a hurry to leave him for another man, don’t make it appear as if you are leaving him on account of his lean wallet. To do that would destroy the little confidence he has in his ability for a very long time.

Before you decide to leave this man, ask him what he intends to do. If he can’t get a job, what business is he planning on doing and how he intends to fund it?

One question you must never fail to answer is your confidence in him. Do you have enough belief in this man that despite all the evidences before you, he has what it takes to make it in life?

Your answer is in your ability to confidently respond to this question. If you have enough confidence in him as a man, your age wouldn’t worry you as much as ensuring this man is happy with himself.

Good luck

At 33, No Viable Man In My Life…

Dear Agatha,

I will be 33 years old in a few months, still I do not have any man to call my own. What is wrong with me?

What can I do to attract responsible men to myself?

I am just being principled and descent but people think I am too strict.
What do I do?

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

There is huge difference between being uncompromisingly rigid and being principled. Sometimes in our attempt to be too principled we unwittingly become stupidly unbending in our attitudes and presentations.

Being principled doesn’t make one unreasonable or develop an attitude that puts everybody around on the defensive. It is also not about condemning other people whose views don’t tally with one’s own or acquiring bothersome attitudes that more often than not leave people around you irritated. It is also not the same thing, as being cynical about life itself. Many a time people who present themselves as being principled through their sense of self-righteousness colour the views of others as inferior or blemished.

Being principled must also never rob a person of his or her sense of humour or reason. Life is about different hues of colours with seasons attached to it. These seasons come with their light moments as well as serious memorials. Anybody who under the guise of being righteous arrogates to him or herself too much importance and seriousness end up a lone ranger.

For a woman looking for a life partner, there are some traits that discourage a man from staying around you long enough to propose.

For instance, a woman who nags at everything anybody does, feel offended at the slightest hint of perceived provocation, would not only be boring as partner but also kill the interest of any man in her.

It takes more than a man meeting a woman to make a relationship work. Between when a couple meeting and saying ‘I do,’ are so many factors at work, incidents that can strangulate or ignite the relationship.

One of the things that can make a woman stay long on the shelf outside spiritual problem is her attitude. When a woman lacks the right kind of manner, she opens herself up for rejection.

What are you doing wrong? How would you describe yourself, principled or rigid? Are you so cynical that you see nothing good in everybody else but yourself?

A woman lifespan is too fragile to be mortgaged on the premise of being too rigid. Yes, certain principle is non-negotiable when it comes to some moral issues but to apply a blanket approach to everything that has to do with life always boomerang.

Can you identify the areas you have unwittingly injured yourself by your attitude and self-importance? Can you tell where you have crashed your own boat of happiness with your stubborn refusal to see things from the viewpoint of others, especially that person interested in having you for a partner?

If you are honest and willing to come down from the platform of perfection you have placed yourself, you will eventually get someone who wants you enough to keep you.

You can be very honest and forthright without being confrontational or annoying. You cannot afford to live life on one lane and be happy. Life is a combination of everything. It is what gives life its unique touch. Learn not to take yourself too serious by laughing at and with yourself. Once you master the act of being at peace with yourself, you will become a better as well as an understanding person to those around you, appreciating the fact that since we weren’t created to be the same, we come with our different attitudes and gifts. So the strength of the human race is to lean on each other for support, strength, wisdom, understanding and care. No one has it all. The moment you realise that, you will learn to be less critical of others around you and know that correction can only be done in love and not condemnation.

To attract the right men to yourself, you must be decent, accommodating of the shortfalls of others, as well as patient. You must begin your transformation by accepting that God is never late, early but always on time. To get to this point and work in line with the timetable of God, you must be trusting and enduring.

When a woman is respectful and responsible she makes things easier for the man who comes her way.

Agreed, some men do not have marriage in mind when they approach a woman for a relationship but once exposed to the unique qualities of the woman, they end up staying around to marry her.

Be rest assured that once the right man comes and finds your attitude bearable, he would not leave you like all the others.

Good luck.

She Lacks Love Of Her Husband… Is Spare-lover Safe?

Dear Agatha,

I’m 28, staying with my eldest sister. She married with three children, two boys and a girl.

Although we have always known within the family that her husband is a tough nut to crack, but had always come across as a loving and dedicated father and husband. I didn’t know things were very bad between my sister and husband until I came to live with them after my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme.

Staying with them exposed me to the marital hardship my sister was facing. Even though he provides for his family, he is not always there for them. He leaves home early and comes back when everyone is asleep and what more they don’t share a bedroom. He refuses her meals so she has stopped cooking for him. And when around, he only has time for his children. The relationship between him and my sister is very cold. They don’t relate as a couple at all. Most nights I hear my sister banging on his door to be let in but he never opens his door.

Needless to say my sister isn’t happy and has confided her frustration as well as her willingness to get a young lover to fill the void being created by her husband.

My sister has always been a highly sexually active woman. She happens to be one of those women who can’t do without a man by her side, so I know precisely what she is going through. In her younger days she never lacked the company of a man at any point in time.

I also happen to know that unless her man comes back to his senses, my sister would get herself a lover outside her home. She is barely holding on to her self-will. Already her group of friends is arranging one of their young lovers for her. I overheard a telephone conversation between her and one of them. From her end of the discussion, I knew what they were up to.

I’m really confused and don’t know how to handle this. Much as I don’t approve of her husband’s behaviour, staying away from his family all the time and refusing to pay the slightest attention to his wife when around, yet I don’t think what my sister is about to do is right.

Please help me find a solution to my sister’s marital problem before it is too late. They have been married for 11 years.

Tutu.

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Dear Tutu,

I think you should begin by asking your sister the whole truth concerning her marriage. It is important she tells you everything about her marriage and the things she has done within it.

There is the likelihood she may have done one or two things to make your brother-in-law so determined to avoid her completely. It must be very serious for him to have rejected her body and food.

It’s always convenient to blame this type of situation on the man, but sometimes the man is only reacting to something his wife has done too shameful and painful to be brought into the open.

If she were that dissatisfied with the whole set up, she wouldn’t have stayed on for these numbers of years. I suspect there is something she isn’t telling you.

In getting her to talk, ask her if this man has always been like this and if not, when did he change. If they have three children together, it means at one point, they enjoyed intimacy. And if true your sister is the type of woman that can’t do without the company of a man, she couldn’t have endured the marriage without constant intimacy for this long.

Whatever is happening between them must be a recent development to have made her endured this long. This is underscored by her desire to have a young lover outside her home. It is important you know if this is her first time of thinking along this line and if in the time past, she has done it, something her husband may have found out.

If she keeps company with women who don’t see anything wrong in having affairs outside their homes and has a nature that is constantly craving for male company, don’t you think she may have done something to make her husband this determined to keep her out of his life?

Knowing the challenge you are at stake would make your task easier and more achievable. Without you arming yourself with facts, you risk deteriorating things between them and putting yourself directly on the firing line between the couple. If you must do a good job, learn not to be biased else you end up alienating one of the parties from your peace effort from the beginning.

What she tells you would inform your next move. If she has been unfaithful, the ideal thing to do would be to plead with the man for forgiveness. It might involve an older member of your family coming to plead on behalf of your sister and also to talk to her about her duties to her husband and marriage.

Being older than you, you may not be able to tell your sister some cold facts. Getting somebody, your mother to share her marital experiences with your sister as well as tell her the bitter truths concerning her conduct would also help a great deal.

The problem could also come from the type of friends she keeps. If her husband suspects her friends of being bad influences on his wife and has repeatedly tried unsuccessfully to free her from their claws, he could decide on this action, just to push home his point.

His behaviour may be instigated by an ultimatum given her by him to either change her friends or forfeit her marriage. If this is the case, let your sister do away with such friends because they would eventually ruin her completely.

Arranging a boyfriend for her is not a panacea. No good friend would recommend such an abominable act as an antidote for marital problem. Friends are supposed to positively encourage their friend, to give courage when things look as if they would never get better in her marriage, not offer complications like your sister’s friends are offering.

Frankly, these are not the type of friends a responsible married woman desirous of staying married should associate with. They have the potentials of destroying whatever chance your sister may have in making peace with her husband.

What more, these kinds of friends, out of jealousy or desperation, are also capable of telling tales against each other to gain the attention or affection of their men? Irrespective of the wrongs of her husband, your sister too isn’t entirely blameless for what is happening in her home.

A woman who sees nothing wrong in dating other men outside her marriage is capable of doing anything to her man.

It is also pertinent you ask your sister if she is still interested in the marriage sufficiently to give up some of her habits and submit to her husband.

Banging on her husband’s door at night for his attention isn’t a solution for a woman whose husband cannot withstand her company. It would only aggravate the situation between them. What she should do is to first properly address the issue that gave rise to the situation between them to such a level that he would notice even in the few minutes he spends with his children. If that is not enough a time, she should visit him in the office. Being an official place and not wanting a scandal, he would be forced to listen to whatever it is she has to say. It may at first appear insufficient or waste of time, but over time he would come to appreciate the effort she is putting into it as long as she stays matured and patient.

That he is still providing for the family and has not asked her to vacate his home means it is not a lost case. Somewhere, in all these, he cares enough to play his role as a responsible father to his children. This is the angle your sister should work on too. A mother and woman know the right kind of button to press in her child or husband to get good results. It is the mystery of her dual position in the lives of her family members. If your sister is truly ready to help her marriage get back on the right track, she must have the determination to do unusual things to accomplish her desire like getting the children to invite their father to share their meals with them when he is around. Children are about the most powerful pressure group in the world. Once the seed is planted in them, she can bet they would help her get their father to eat at home. This is one point you must underline for her.

Before calling for external help, make the effort to talk to your brother-in-law too. Hear his side of the story his reason for his behaviour and how he thinks you can help improve the situation in his home.

It can’t be a bed of roses for him too to have to deal with the situation in his home the way it is now. Not all men enjoy leaving home early and coming back late without having to see or interact with their children.

Unfortunately, in avoiding the woman in the house, the children are the ones suffering the deprivation of quality time with their parents. While one is hardly around, the other lacks the emotional peace to be a good company for them.

Both your sister and husband must be told about the psychological damage they are visiting on their children. And they must be educated on how it destroys these innocent minds forever. The worst kind of injustice parents can do is to ignore the fact that children have a stake in the marriage and that they are the ones mostly affected by the situation in the house.

They must be told that they should for the sake of these children quickly resolve the problem between them.

Importantly, stand in gap for them spiritually by praying their marriage out of this situation. A marriage where the fear and presence of God is in short supply will never be happy for those involved.

Good luck.

My Family Annuls Our Union On Tribal Ground

Dear Agatha,

I’m a regular reader of your column, and always impressed the way you handle issues. I would be 30 in a few months time and there is this lady who would be 28 this year whom I’m madly in love with me.

However, we have a problem with my family members who don’t want me to marry her due to her tribe.

When I asked my elder brother the reason behind their objection to people from her area, he said it is not advisable for anybody to marry women from her village. He said I should quit the relationship in my interest.

Please advice me on what to do. I’m confused.

Danny.

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Dear Danny,

The best place to start is to be very definite about what you want from life and how much this lady fits into your dream marriage. This is a critical highpoint for you. Therefore you cannot afford to be confused. Being confused showcases a defect in your relationship. It shows that you are not as deeply in love with this woman as you have led yourself to think. Therefore, you must be very honest about what you want.

Since meeting her, how would you rate her in terms of moral behaviour, attitude, character as well as values of life?

Do you foresee having problems with her in terms of her moral values? Do you see her capable of betraying your trust or engaging in behaviours capable of causing you harm, now or in the future?

The issue is you! What do you feel for this woman and what do you know about her? Your family can say anything about her because they don’t know her but you do, better than all of them. Therefore you are the only one who can make the difference, change the not too pleasant impression your people have of her people.

If your love for this woman were strong and real, it would be difficult for you to let go, giving her up to suit your family.

You can only give up something you don’t care about, something not so precious and which you can do without.

To understand your feelings and know if you should heed your family advice, it is important you also do a soul searching of what you feel for this woman. One of the worst things that can happen is to be left high and dry in the middle of an ocean. You would be doing this lady more harm if at the end of the day, you are unable to defend your love for and capitulate to the pressures of your family.

Therefore the first thing to do is a thorough soul searching of what this woman really means to you. Given the opposition of your family has against this union, you must be very sure of what you feel because it is the only thing that can give you victory at the end.

Your love for her must be the type that can withstand the strongest of the storms because the reaction of your family member is still at the mildest.

The determination to fight on her side would come from this knowledge that she means more to you than any other woman ever would.

Once convinced of your feelings for her, ask precise questions from your elder brother. First listen to him to give him the impression that you are on their side. This way, he would tell all he knows about the people from that village and probably what he knows about the lady and her family if he has such information.

Allow some days before going back to him to solicit his assistance by reminding him of all the dreams you both shared as children and the times he went out of his way to protect you against pains or attacks from people.

Insist that, one more time, you are appealing for his support to be happy in life. Use all the sentimental history of being his little brother to appeal to his conscience on why he should support you to marry the woman of your choice.

Ask him how he would feel in your choice or if the family is pressuring him to drop the woman he wants more than anything else in the world?

Don’t forget to remind him that at 30 you are more than old enough to know what is right or wrong for you. Let him know you have a choice in this matter and that your coming to him for support is largely due to the respect you have for him and influence you think he has over the family.

All these are measures to water down his support for the older members of the family as well as get some support for your woman who may want to run away from it, all out of fear of the uncertainty of tomorrow.

Go a step further by soliciting help from persons close to your family. The point you should never fail to mention is that every community comes with its own peculiar history. Just like your girlfriend’s people, some people have also given your community or tribe a brand that might not truly reflect what your people are, particularly your family.

There are always exceptions to a rule. That the world has a negative impression of Nigerians on account of what a few are doing to harm the positive image of the country doesn’t make us all guilty.

If your family cares about you, demand you and this girl be given a chance to be happy.

However, if all attempts fail to make them see reason, continue to trust and pray to God to help you overcome the hostility of your family. If you and this woman are meant to be, God will make a way for you both to get round this wave of opposition from your parents and family.

Like I said, nobody can make up your mind for you. The answer is in your heart. What you feel for this woman counts, whether you yield to the pressures of your family members or not.

Good luck.

She Hesitates To Hug My Proposal...

Dear Agatha,

I'm 25, in love with an undergraduate girl. We are very much in love and I have gone to the extent of proposing to her. However, she is pleading confusion because of someone else in her life, according to her, responsible for her education.

What do you suggest I do?

Alvin.

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Dear Alvin,

Quit the relationship for the simple reason that she cannot be in love with you while she is allowing another man pay her way through school.

The level of commitment the other man is exhibiting in her affairs and life makes it unfair for her to engage in any other relationship. She should have put the possibility of falling in love with another man into consideration before giving her commitment to that man. A lot of responsibilities and sacrifices go with relationships. She must be willing to give something up for something. If she really cares about you, she won't hesitate to drop the other man despite being responsible for her education. That she is willing to string both of you on shows, she is more interested in her own gains than any of you. She cannot eat and still have her cake.

Whatever the man is doing for her is based on power of her words and sense of obligation to him. Had he insisted on first paying her bride price, would she find this convenient to go into another relationship? She should have thought of all the possibilities before going into it. In the other man's shoes, how would you feel? Don't get involved in this rather volatile situation between this lady and her man. Let her first of all clean that mess in her own interest.

It is a combustive situation, which would leave you very scorched at the end of the day. So run away from it before anybody gets hurt, especially you.

Don't worry, the woman who would give you the type of happiness you deserve will come your way.

Good luck.

He Cheats, Beats... Now Plans To Travel Out Without Me

Dear Agatha,

I'm in a relationship where everything seems to be falling apart. I'm 21 while he is 30 years old.

To his credit, he is the one responsible for my education and all my needs. He has also told me of his intentions to marry me, he is known to all my family members.

The problem I have with him is that he easily gets upset. Irrespective of whether I lie or tell him the truth about what I did, he would always find an excuse to complain.

There is also the issue of numerous girls who visit him at his place of business. I noticed he shields the fact of our relationship from these girls.

Now he is planning to travel abroad. This has left me in a quandary because he has not mentioned anything about me joining him or not. When I questioned him concerning whether he would leave me the way things are between us, he answered in the negative.

He remains my first and only lover. Please tell me what to do. Besides, he beats me at times. I want to know if he is in love with me.

Juliet.

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Dear Juliet,

Love and care come in different shades of colour and in between these shades come different kinds of feelings, yet to the people involved these variations come under the broad definition of love. The line between desire and possession is so thin that many don't even know the difference.

In his own queer way, he loves you enough to pick and pay your bills. He cherishes you enough to offer you the position of his wife. That, to this man, is enough for you to ignore what he does on the side. His thinking is shaped by his ideology as well as the orientation he was brought up with.

Men who fall under this category see women as an object to be possessed at all times. They ensure their women get all the material and financial assistance she needs which, to them, is more than enough to make the women happy. In return they expect unconditional submission as well as loyalty from these women and don't hesitate to use violence to put any woman who challenges their authority in her place.
As his possession, he expects you to be grateful, uncomplaining and like all the other pieces of furniture to stay where he pushes you. The way he perceives love is obviously different from how you interpret it. Having proposed to you and meeting your family, he is of the view you should be happy with that and not questioning him on his other interests in women. In his opinion, this gesture should answer any worries or question concerning his love for you.

If you love this man, this is one flaw you may have to put up with, accepting that he sees you as property and not a person who has a right to think or capable of being hurt. It is for this same reason he beats you. He sees himself as the lord and master of his empire. Your position as his special woman doesn't give you the special privilege of questioning him.

You have to make a choice between the comforts he offers you or the pains of living with a man who would never treat you with the respect you deserve. If there were problem in this relationship, it would come from you, to be fair to this man he has not hidden from you the type of life to expect from him, and even the quality of marriage he is proposing.

Look at yourself, what do you want? The issue here is not his travelling abroad but that of your ability to put up with his character. Deep down, do you think you can cope with his person or attitude? There is nothing being abroad with him can do for you in this relationship if he insists on treating you like a piece of furniture.

You must consider first your own happiness as well as economic independence in such a way if he decides to punish you by withdrawing his financial support, you can still survive on your own.

This is very important because men like him, when provoked beyond measure use their perceived advantage over the situation to press home their point. This is the major challenge you face with him. If he has started manifesting violence at this early stage, you don't need a crystal ball to tell you what to expect.

Forget the issue of whether he is going abroad or not, concentrate on the more important thing, whether you can really be happy with this man irrespective of being your first lover or not. A time would come when you may not be able to cope with his attitude towards you and unless you have zeroed your mind to endure anything he throws at you, you will end up completely frustrated and disillusioned about everything life has to offer.

Good luck.