He insists I get pregnant first

Dear Agatha, Someone is asking my hand in marriage but on one condition, I get pregnant. He says it is the only way he can go ahead with all the arrangements for our wedding. I am scared because I don’t know what he has in mind but I love him and he has been my friend for a long time. Joy. Dear Joy, Under normal circumstances, no man should give his woman this kind of condition he is giving you before walking her down the aisle. But many women have mortgaged their future through the different kinds of risks they take with their bodies which is making a lot of men wary of marrying women who aren’t pregnant first. This is because of the high rates of infertility the world over is contending with in our modern world. Most men are making it a condition to avoid unnecessary delays and medical expenses as a result of secondary infertility in the women, some who have damaged their wombs through reckless lifestyles. The reality on the ground is, even if I tell you not to accept this condition, in addition to you not likely to do as I say, I don’t have a husband to give you so, you really have to make up your mind on what you want from this man and life. Furthermore, countless number of girls would jump at the idea of getting pregnant for this man if only he would look their way. When an issue gets this complex, the practical thing to do is to holistically examine the relationship so as to be sure you are with the right man and that you both have the maturity and understanding to paddle this canoe to safety. Beyond the issue of pregnancy, is the all important one of both of you having the right qualities and attributes to stay together forever. That a couple is blessed with children doesn’t exempt them from having serious marital issues. This is what your man must understand first and foremost. He must be able to love you for yourself and not because you are fertile to procreate. Use whatever means you have to communicate this message to him. The essence of having children is to provide them with a home wherein they would be happy and fulfilled. Why have children when the promises of having both parents stay together forever cannot be guaranteed them? For you to be very clear about your next course of action; answer these questions sincerely. How do you feel at the proposal? What is it telling you about your importance to this man? What happens if you are unable to give him a baby; would he leave you on account of it? Perhaps a little explanation on my part will help give you a more detailed insight into this issue. The pride of everywoman is to be loved for who she is by her man and not because she is fertile enough to make babies. An ideal marriage begins with two people before expanding to accommodate others. This is because marriage is a risk and like a well wrapped gift must unfold gradually to reveal its content. Children are part of the content of every marriage. Asking you to get pregnant is placing the cart before the horse. Do you feel right about it? Are you comfortable with the knowledge that this man isn’t ready to take unnecessary risks with you? That he wants to be sure of your viability as a woman before he marries you? What this proposal means is that if you aren’t able to get pregnant within a stipulated time, you forfeit the offer to another woman who is lucky to be pregnant. Given the fact that he has promised to marry you, don’t fret if that is what he wants. But be sure, you have reasonable security from his family to avoid last minute disappointment. It is also extremely important that you understand the ground rules. For instance, what is the time limit you have to get pregnant else another woman takes your place? This is where the all important issue of trust comes to play. How much do you trust this man? Will his love for you always be conditional? Deep down if there was someone else; would you even consider doing this? Don’t be shy in admitting the truth to yourself because it will help you adjust and prepare your shocks for any eventuality whether now or in future. Also, don’t neglect the issue of compatibility between the two of you. Both of you have the right chemistry to flow together as an item. This, the presence of a child or children cannot give you. Because infertility is a two way thing, you must discuss with him on the need for him too to subject himself to medical examinations to erase the presence of any problem from his end. This is because infertility in marriages is increasingly being traced to men. No matter how fertile a woman is, if the man in question has low sperm count, she won’t be able to conceive so don’t allow yourself to carry the canister alone. As a couple, you must be able to laugh at each other and with each other. If you are not the desperate kind and realistic about the dynamism of life especially as it has to do with our contemporary society, you won’t have problems doing what is right for you. Good luck.

I’m addicted to masculine women and pornography

Dear Agatha, I am 18 years old and very confused if what I am going through is a problem or not. Since I was 12 or thereabout, I have developed strong attraction for very masculine women. Most times, I want to talk about it with someone but I am too ashamed due to the lack of such women in this part of the world. I have turned to the internet and have this uncontrollable urge to watch pornography featuring these kinds of women. Please is this attraction normal and how do you think I can stop it? Worried Boy. Dear Worried Boy, Anything that goes beyond the normal measure is a problem. Not only are you obsessed with masculine women, you have become hooked on pornography as well. These are twin challenges capable of stripping you of all your dreams as a young promising man. Sex is itself a distraction and when you add an aberration like you have done, it becomes volatile and destructive. This is the situation you have created for yourself through your strong thirst for women with masculine features which has driven you to depend on an act capable of plaguing your mind with strong sexual thoughts that could destroy one as young as you. The graphic images provided you by these adult films could make it impossible for your mind to focus on the essential qualities of a woman in later years. My concern isn’t in your preference of women, but that you have taken to watching pornography to actualize your fantasies. You might never be able to appreciate a woman for who she is without seeing her as a sex object. Besides you may not ever be able to hold reasonable conversation with a woman without being tempted to spy into her under-wears. This is the point it gets dangerous for you as a young man. This is one habit that will be difficult even in latter years to break. Not only will it get worse but, could cause a major distraction for you in the areas of studies or concentration on more serious issues. It could also lure your mind to commit a crime of rape when fully stimulated and there is no willing woman to satisfy your needs. The dangers of addiction on pornography are enormous; so beat the habit before it consumes you. In your case, it is a double addiction and problem. The first being your uncanny obsession for women who are masculine in-built as well as the one pornography provides you. While there is nothing bad in itself to prefer certain kinds of women to the others but, you are taking your obsession too far by taking to watching adult films on the internet. To beat these habits, you must ask yourself what precisely is this attraction for masculine women all about. Is it that you want a woman who will dominate you, be rough with you or treat you like a child? In addition what is the attraction in these kinds of women for you? Has it by chance to do with your mother or a strong female you admire? Which woman in your growing up years hold this kind of pleasure for you? Honestly, it wouldn’t have been such a bad thing if you haven’t taken your infatuation across the boarder line of what is normal since at one time or the other, every normal human adult went through a phase of one form of obsession or the other. While most women went through the stage of looking for the tall, handsome and rich man as the perfect sole mate; the men wanted to be associated with the prettiest woman in town. This is as far as it goes for most people. As the years peel away, reality beats one into line. Only those who are without plans or lack the wisdom to appreciate that a season has died and another one ready to take over, end up having issues like the one you are having. The human mind is such you only have to sow a seed for it to keep growing different branches unless it is controlled to grow in the right direction. You are wasting too much time and energy on a dream that should have long gone. At the age of 18 is when serious minded young men begin to lay the foundation for their tomorrows. You are in your nascent adult stage, one that requires you to expend more energy on productive things and not on pornography. If you must romance your fantasy, why not go to the stadium where you might be lucky to see a woman who is into body building that might like you? That is, if you are so encumbered with your passion you cannot think of anything else. Meeting such a woman in real life might cure you of your childhood fantasies and liberate your mind from this unnatural fixation on masculine women. As with every case of addiction, you need the help of friends and family members to pull you out of the emotional abyss your passion has dragged you into. Frankly, there is no way you can beat this habit on your own because like cancer, it has spread beyond what you can manage on your own. You need both professional help as well as the assistance of your friends. Don’t be afraid to ask because, we all have our little secrets just that yours have gone beyond the normal and has the capacity of pulling you down completely. Think of the waste of your promising life if this thing leads you to committing a crime of sexual assault? The shame you feel now would be nothing compared with the stigma that will follow your arrest and prosecution as well as the gossip that will trail you about. So cry out for help. Since cure begins with a person’s determination to leave the cage he or she has holed him or herself into, you must first make your mind to resist any thought that takes you deeper into your deep hole by fighting that urge whenever it comes strong. Create a diversion for yourself by writing out a list of what you want to be in life. Pin it on the same spot you go or like to stay to watch this pornography on the internet. We all have a particular comfort zone in our homes. On another piece of paper, outline the negative things that could happen to your life if you keep up this habit for too long. Take a picture of yourself dressed in the working garment of the profession you want to go into and in another picture, dress in clothes that are close to rags. Pin both of them side by side. These pictures would help check your dependence on this deadly habit. No one likes to be in shabby clothes. We all want to succeed. Above all, learn to talk to God for help in overcoming this sexual urges. He will provide you with a greater reason to be happy. Women are not just sex objects but one with very intelligent minds. Focusing on the built of a woman only reduces your chance to become a worthy friend to your female friends. Making the effort to appreciate a woman beyond how and what she looks like, will go a long way in healing you of this obnoxious obsession. Good luck.

She demands I marry her

Dear Agatha, May God bless you for your motherly counsels. I am 28 years old, and already have two children. I meet this girl on Facebook last year. Since then, she has been good to me. Recently, I told her about my children and since then she has been insisting I marry her. Although I love her, what do I do? Adewale Dear Adewale, On what premise is she insisting you marry her: because you have children and in need of a mother figure for them or what? Why is she bent on becoming your wife? What do you know about her or she about you to warrant you two making the all important decision to spend the rest of your lives together? The fact that you already have two children should make you extremely cautious in the choice you make else you will end up having another child without a mother in your life. Although you didn’t give any detail about the mother or mothers of your children, the fact that there is no woman in your life itself suggest that you have gone through stormy relationship(s). This is your cue to be careful and not give room for another mistake to happen. You have to think about the welfare and happiness of those children who are depending on you to give them the right kind of leadership in life. It takes more than a declaration of love to make an average marriage work. Without having the right attitude, structure, direction and vision, a marriage cannot work, no matter the love a couple starts out with. This is because marriages come with both traditional and contemporary challenges. Both classifications of challenges must be dealt with first to get to the nectar of the happiness associated with marriage. Also there are the concurrent issues that will never go away from a marriage. These are the kinds that love can overshadow, not the traditional or contemporary kinds that, only determination and knowledge of the institution can resist. A good marriage requires certain kinds of plans. What are your plans to avoid the mistakes of the past? What kind of man and partner are you? what mistakes have you always made concerning your choice of women; the kind that has left you an unmarried father of two children? These are traditional to you hence, you must tackle them before moving into a permanent relationship with any woman. An X-ray of the problem will point you at the intrinsic issues you must take time to tackle first. Knowing what your problems are as a man will point you at the solutions and the kind of woman you will need to help you overcome these challenges. This woman in your life; do you deep down think she has what it takes to be a mother to you and the children? Every man needs a mother figure in his wife. It isn’t sufficient to for a man to have a woman in his life; he must have a woman that will help him to build not just his home but his life as well. Your other relationships failed due to lack of this important ingredient in them. Do you see this woman as having the capacity to fit into that role of being the kind of mother your children need and one you will always need as you journey into what life has to offer you? Do you see her playing the role of mother hen, the kind that goes all out to protect the interest of her family? Take time out to study her. Find out the reason she wants you to marry her at all cost. What is her story and experiences? Find out before you take the decision to either marry her or not. Whatever, you do, be careful who you bring home to share your life. Don’t allow emotions alone make the decisions for you. Apply plenty of wisdom because this is a forever decision.

I am jealous of his girlfriend

Dear Agatha, I am 20 years old and in love with a guy who has another girlfriend, he told me of his existing relationship from the beginning. He is very caring. He gives me all the encouragement I need but whenever I remember he has a girlfriend, I become sick. I love him very much. I have tried to quit the relationship but he keeps coming back and my emotions always get the better of me. Please what should I do? Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, Resist him so he can settle whatever issues he has either with himself or his existing relationship. There is no way you can ever get the best of him as long as he is unfaithful to his girlfriend. This is because he has to divide his time between the two of you as well as share his affection. The fact that he is still with the other lady shows that there is nothing wrong with that relationship or any reason to be unfaithful. Irrespective of whether he told you or not, there is no express reason for him to enter a second relationship. The ideal thing would have been for him to end his relationship with the other lady before asking you out. As it is, you have nothing to gain by staying in this relationship because there is nothing in it for you as it stands today. Look at it this way, you know about the other woman but she doesn’t know anything about you; shouldn’t that tell you that you that you are are not important in his life? From your letter, he hasn’t given you a commitment; one strong enough for you to hold on to. Being caring may sound absolute fantastic but when put alongside unfaithfulness, it doesn’t look so attractive at the end of the day especially if you consider the fact that you could be just a number in his chain of girlfriends outside his legitimate relationship. A man capable of being unfaithful to one woman; has the ability of being disloyal to several other women. You cannot be sure you are the only one he is cheating on his girlfriend with. Don’t allow him to eat and still have his cake. Besides, how would you feel in the other girl’s shoes? She is the one who should feel all the jealousy and bad feelings you are having. At least, he had the decency of telling you the truth about his status. It would have been a different kind of story if he had lied to you but he told you the truth giving you the choice at that initial stage to back out. You didn’t, despite this piece of information so stop wasting precious energy on being jealous of a woman who doesn’t even know you exist in her relationship. Holding on to him while the other lady exists in his life is taking too much risk with your emotions. It will block you from giving another guy the chance to come into your life; thereby denying yourself the vital opportunity of exploring other viable relationships. This is one of the many dangers holding on to this man would cause you eventually. Since he has no express commitment to you, he is free to come in and go as he likes. And if at the end of the day, he marries the woman in his life, what would be your reason for staying on? Wisdom demands you make hay while the sun shines. There is no productive result without risks and pains. The process of bringing a child into the world is an example of the kinds of pains that go with sweet calmness and happiness? No storm can rage forever. No matter how fierce, it will give way to calmness eventually. Because you have a life to think about, end the relationship. If your emotions are the problem, make yourself scarce. Change your phone number. If he cannot get you and you stop meeting him where both of you meet, he will eventually get the message that you don’t want it to continue anymore. At least give yourself a chance to heal and move on. this is because not every relationship we enter in life ends in marriage. At 20, you still have some good years ahead of you. There are a lot of men that will still come your way; this is the time to begin to plan for that future you hope to have one day. You need a man who will be yours, who won’t see you as an alternative. By agreeing at your age to be the other woman in a man’s life, you are unwittingly agreeing to his unspoken words, that you are not good enough to be the main woman in a man’s life. A woman who has a dream and knows where she is going, will not settle for being second best. She will always strive to be the number one in a man’s life or wherever she finds herself. A man is a hunter by nature and would always feed on a willing prey; he will continue to give you all sorts of reasons for you not to end the relationship. But as the woman, you should know what you want. Learn at this early age to be focused on your future plans because a bad relationship can completely derail the plans you have for yourself. Resist him. If at the end of the day, he comes back, then he is God’s plans for you. for now, you are too young and full of life to play second fiddle to anybody. Good luck.

At 19, I have many suitors

Dear Agatha, I am a constant reader of your column, and it has been a source of inspiration to many of us. I hope you will help me out. I am 19 years old, with too many guys disturbing me for a relationship, which I consider as a distraction. What should I do to all these suitors? It seems it is my selection time. Your baby. My dear baby, I am glad you know men at your age are distractions. Finish with your education first. I am not objecting to you having friends, but any romantic involvement with them should be discouraged now because not many young girls can combine emotional involvement with their studies. Besides, at 19, time is still your best friend. There is plenty of time to select from among the lot. You are young and (I guess) beautiful; because of that, a lot of them would come. It is the natural sequence of things. It is normal for young ladies at your age to attract such high volume of attention from men. You are at that stage of your life we call the butterfly age. Sure attention can be very tempting and capable of derailing a young lady who is not strong-willed. This is the dangerous age zone when a lot of girls get pregnant for the wrong men, and go into series of abortion in their search for the right man. Be careful. Joke with those who don’t feel bad when you say and mean ‘no’. Stick to the ‘no sex’ rule. The man who lasts the longest cares for your feelings the most, which makes you very happy, who is genuinely concerned about you, does not put you under any sexual pressure, and has the fear of God should be considered. Good luck.

My younger sister is turning wayward

Dear Agatha, I have been an ardent reader of your column for a very long time now and I want to say I appreciate your good work. My problem has to do with my immediate younger sister. Sometime ago, I walked into a situation where she and boy were about to have sex. My presence frustrated their plan. The boy ran away. I thought my verbal thrashing of her would change her, but I suspect she is now into so many boys, a development which is giving me some sleepless nights. In my confusion on the best way to handle this matter without creating a scene between the two of us, I told some on my friends who advised that I should not treat her with kid gloves; they want me to be harsh with her, but that may mean attracting the attention of my parents whose course of action, should they know, I fear. Please tell me, do I tell my parents? What way do you think is best for me to handle the matter, should I decide to handle the issue on my own? I want solution before she goes far in her ways. Jay Dear Jay, Before telling your parents, sit her down for a heart-to-heart discussion. Start by expressing your love as well as the entire family to her. Go ahead to tell her of the family’s hopes and dreams for her. Tell her how proud of her you once were. Make her understand that of recent, however, that all those dreams and hopes you and the family wove around her are coming to nought as a result of her behaviour. Inform her that her indiscriminate relationship with men is making her too notorious for your liking. Present her with the picture of disappointment and pain you currently feel at her behaviour. Tell her to think: If your disappointment is this deep, how would your parents feels when they find out about her atrocities? It is only when she refuses to listen to you that you should tell your parents who are more equipped at handling this kind of issues. The truth is, if you don’t take actions now out of fear, you will end encouraging her to be more promiscuous than she already is. Telling your parents isn’t betraying her, but telling her how much you care for her and want her to make something good out of her life. Good luck!

We are always quarrelling

My husband and I are always quarrelling. There is hardly a day that we don’t quarrel. Ironically, the reason for our disagreement isn’t always tangible. Our family members are getting fed up because when they come to settle our quarrels, they always find that the reasons for our fights are not serious. Being a reader of your column, I have applied all the advice you give to make my marriage work but to no avail. Rather than abate, the issues keep escalating. I am getting fed up and confused. There is no name he doesn’t call me when he is angry. There is also no name I don’t call him either. Please, help me. I don’t want my marriage to crash. Joyce. Dear Joyce, Precisely, what are the issues in your marriage? When did all these start? How do these quarrels usually begin? What was the beginning like between the two of you? Deep in your mind, what do you think could be the causes of these constant quarrels? For how long have you been married and do you have children? Is there a contending issue in your marriage, which both of you didn’t resolve but swept under the carpet for the sake of peace? One thing is sure, your ability to recognise that your marriage is going through some difficult patches means that you are ready to face up to the truth about your marriage. From experience, there are some issues that may appear unimportant but end up becoming the major issues in a marriage. The thing is for you, as the woman, to sit your husband down for a discussion. Watch when he is in a good mood before bringing up the issue. There are irritations within your marriage that must be cleared if it has to move forward. You may not think they are irritants but if you look deeper, you will find that they are limiting your happiness. Let him tell you the things that keep annoying him about you, the home and other things around him. It might not be with your person but the way you organise his home. This is a possibility if before he married you, he liked his home in a particular way. If you are not up to his standard in terms of housekeeping, the fact of being in the house while it is in the sordid state is enough for someone, who is near perfect, to become irritated and pick up what may appear to be unnecessary quarrels. This is why you must take time to find out why you are always quarrelling. It could also be with the way you dress, personal hygiene or the way you approach issues. Sometimes, the things we ignore are usually the cause of profound and major problems in our homes. Get him to talk. Don’t be afraid to take the lead by asking probing questions. For instance, if it has to do with your personal hygiene, he may not want to hurt your feelings by broadcasting it to you but would respond better if you ask pointed questions. You may also want to take a look at your wardrobe. What kind of woman appeals to your husband? Take a look at the mirror and be as frank as possible. If you were a man, especially your husband, would anything in your appearance appeal to you? As a man, would you enjoy coming home to meet the woman you have become? Be frank and objective by looking at things through the eyes of your husband. Do you nag or easily take offence at whatever he says? There is nothing like enough patience. Patience is the most elastic feature of a marriage. There is no limit to tolerance and patience. No matter how tough it gets, always remember the reason you married this man among all the men that came your way. I concur, it is easier to forget when the challenges come but if you keep reminding yourself that marriage is all about sacrifice and selflessness, you will eventually become more profound in how to manage your home. That you are having these issues is an indication that you aren’t as patient as you think you are. When was the last time you took special interest in your appearance? This might just be the time to drag the old you wherever you hid her. He needs you to remind him of the woman he fell in love with and married. Marriage isn’t a place for a woman to look shabby. As a matter of fact, it is when a woman gets married that she should pay more attention to herself and appearance. You owe it to yourself to look wonderful to sustain the interest of your man. The married man is becoming endangered because a lot of women want what you have. When issues also get this complex, learn to be honest and prayerful. There is no human endeavour that is free from spiritual manipulations. Be forthright and determined to protect your marriage from everything that can make it fail. It could also be the issue of sex. Many men assume that a wife should know what they want in bed; actually wish for their wives could do better in bed but they will never say it preferring to act funny about it. During this talk, ask him how he wants you to make love to him. He may at first pretend not to like the question but don’t be fooled. Sexual tension in marriage can lead to a man picking up a fight with his wife at the slightest provocation. It isn’t often something you see but it is vital. His refusal to be specific, fishing for excuses where none exist, is an indication that the matters in your marriage are very fundamental. You too must be honest in your feelings. Whatever your fears and feelings must be discussed too. Every marriage needs an open table discussion to survive difficult bends like your marriage is having. Two wrongs will never make a right. You are having these quarrels because you respond to his moods and temper. If you decide not to respond at all to him, it will get to a point, he would either walk away or keep quiet. This means you must learn to ignore him whenever he goes into this mood. This is the staying power of a woman. You have to stoop to conquer. Refuse to be dragged into an argument with him. Once he goes off, begin to pray for help and wisdom from God. It can be difficult but overtime, you will develop the ability to win the battle. Never deny him sex or food. Also stop inviting people into your marriage. After all, both of you made the decision to spend the rest of your lives together. Keep your challenges within; this way they are always easier to manage. God is all that you need to make it work. Good luck.

My wife is cantankerous

ear Agatha, I am having issues with my marriage of less than four years. My wife is older than I am by some few months. Whenever we quarrel she insults the living light out of me; that she cannot respect a man who is irresponsible and so on. I alone shoulder the entire responsibility of the family as she is out of job. I provide for the family including placing her on monthly allowance and I still send things to her parents. I don’t drink, smoke or womanise yet she has no regard for me. I am getting fed up and considering divorce. Perhaps a younger woman would be better. Pained man. Dear Pained Man, Every marriage comes with its peculiar cross. Just like Jesus Christ bore his cross alone, every couple has to learn to cope with the challenges in their own bouquet because there is no money back guarantee in a marriage. Inspite off all the pains and emotional drain this marriage is costing you, you must find ways around the issues confronting your home. From experience, divorce isn’t usually a magic potion to troubled marriage. Granted some marriages will never work; there is no marital issue beyond the ability of a determined couple to make it work. The question is, are you prepared to make this marriage work irrespective of the pains you are going through in the hands of your partner? Do you think deep down, your wife is the only problem in your marriage? Have you asked yourself what you contributed to making her this total stranger? Have you considered the fact that her lack of job could be the reason for this change in her person and disposition to you? Did you ever sit her down to ask for her opinion concerning the situation or simply assumed that as long as you were carrying the entire burden of the family, she was happy to let you do it? Has it occurred to you to discuss other possibilities of engaging her time and mind with her? There is no doubting the fact that your decision to play the ideal husband is in good faith but it may not appear right to a woman who before now had some measure of financial independence. There is no amount you give her that would ever be enough for her. Also, the fact that she is locked up in the house without anything to do as against the time she left home everyday could be very challenging. If she is often at home alone, especially if there are no children to engage her time and mind, loneliness could be a factor in all these. Don’t forget money isn’t everything. Doubtless, you have lifted the financial burden from her shoulders, but what about all the other little relief her going out of the house give her? to better appreciate her feelings, try trading places with her for a day and see how it feels like to be forced into a situation you aren’t prepared for and don’t want. One thing is to make up one’s mind not to work another is to find yourself without a job suddenly. Even though she is going about her disappointments and frustration in a very wrong way, wisdom demands that you try to reason with her by providing the right opportunity for both of you to talk about it. Sincerely, it has nothing to do with your age differences unless of course she was desperate to marry you at the time to consider the age difference. Age is only a statistic that has no place whatsoever in the making of a successful home. What is, is how much both of you want this marriage. Once you and your woman are on the same page, there is no situation, no matter how ugly you cannot overcome. Therefore, you must ask her the question of what she thinks of the marriage as well as how much she wants it to succeed. In talking to her, make it clear to her that you have the option of walking away from it all the moment you get to that point of not being able to cope with her rudeness and disrespect to you. This is to make her appreciate the necessity for her to come clean with all the issues bothering her. You need to do this because marriage is about endurance and tolerance. You cannot make it work without having these two qualities since both of you are from different homes, cultures and norms. The idea of the talk is to give you the rear opportunity of looking into her mind’s eyes, focusing on what was and could be. When a woman is as angry as she is, the reason behind her anger would come to the fore. It is this you must find out as it holds the clue to the future and workability of your marriage. It will also help you focus on your own faults. Sometimes we do certain things that appear to others to be good, for selfish reasons. What is your motive for shouldering all these responsibilities? That fact that you don’t do any of the things you pointed out doesn’t absolve you of complicity in the whole mess your marriage currently is. There are many salient habits which are more lethal and inimical to the growth of marriage than the ones you outlined. It could be a bad temper, lack of a proper relationship with one’s partner, unfriendliness, lack of respect by being insensitive to the feelings of the other person, dirty habits and deliberate wickedness. It could also being unnecessarily stubborn, having an opinion that doesn’t leave room for the feelings of the other party can really be frustrating and annoying. Therefore, the talk is intended to take you back to the drawing board; an opportunity for both of you to revalue and revalidate your relationship and vows. This is time to tell yourselves the truth; no matter how bitter. There is no marriage that can survive on falsehood and holding secrets from each other. Clearly, you haven’t been able to inject the right ingredients into your marriage because you both have a lot of outstanding issues and scores to settle within your marriage. For a complete healing, go back to the very beginning; the essence is to find out those things you may have left behind in the cause of every day living. For instance, you must find out why she thinks you are having affairs when from your account, you are above reproach. There must be something you aren’t doing right which is giving her this impression that you are not faithful to her. Are you available to her at all times? Are you her best friend? Do you discuss your thoughts, plans and decisions with her? How much is she a part of your life? Everyday, we leave a bit of ourselves in the paths we take until we forget the reasons we embarked on a journey in the first place. Painfully, marriage is where it happens the most. Couples often than not take each other for granted; in the process, bury the reasons that brought them together in the first place. Can you remember how those first moments were between the two of you? Surely a love more profound than the hatred you now feel for each other once brought you two together and it can still be revived once if there is a will. Believe me, the issue here isn’t because she is some few months older than you. It doesn’t have anything to do with age at all. The truth is if you don’t dig deeper into your marriage to unearth where the problem is coming from, chances are that you will keep experiencing the same challenges in any other relationship you enter into. Divorce is only an option when every attempt at ensuring a marriage remains on track fails. But before you come to that conclusion be painstaking in doing whatever you have to do to bring peace even if she appears unreasonable now. If you cannot do it alone; involve your families and friends as long as the purpose is to ensure the marriage works. Both of you must talk as sincerely as possible while calling on God to help you overcome this situation. It is the only reasonable option you have. Good luck.

Do you think she cares for me?

Dear Agatha, I’m about 30 years old. I’ve been looking for a life partner after the disappointment I suffered in the hands of a lady who promised to marry me. I think she did that because of the problems I was having then. Now there is this lady, whose department shared a class with mine. We usually talk and do some friendly or general things together like greeting, talking and so on. Being older than her, she shows me respect and when I was having some challenges she was there for me. For instance when I needed a small air time like a N100 recharge card, she gave me.When we finished our programme and parted ways, I had a problem in the family. I couldn’t mobilize for the National Youth Service. She called to express empathy with me as well as give me all the necessary encouragement. When she called me at another time, I told her I hadn’t solved the problem. She promised to see me whenever she was in town. I sent her a text message to loan me N500. She not only sent me the money but told me not to bother about the payment. She has been showing so much concern over my case and even assisted further over my service delay. However, I’ve been having the thoughts if all her kind gestures were just that; pitying me or that she has interest in me and desires me to approach her for a relationship that may end in us getting married. I am confused because while in school, I was regarded as someone disinterested in ladies because of my Godly disposition to life. Unlike me, she was a bit exposed and was in the habit of wearing trousers. I also think she may not be interested in a person like me. Please, advise me on what to do. Is it true she wants to have a relationship with me judging from the way she cares for me or not? Joe. Dear Joe, It is obvious that this lady has an interest in you but the choice is yours to make. She has shown you kindness, care and love. No matter what you think of her attitude or disposition to life, what she has done underscores the person within her. She has a heart that cares and concern about the situation of people around her. You weren’t the only one in school with her. There were others like you in school with her. She isn’t showing the same concern for them as she is showing you. There must be something deeper in her heart for you to instigate her constant calls to know why you aren’t going for the service year, listening to your challenges and looking for ways to make things easier for you; these certainly count for something. If nothing else, think of the time she is investing into your happiness and peace of mind. She cannot be more explicit in her interest in you. No woman likes spending her money, no matter how small on a man who isn’t her friend or that she has a relationship with. She is giving you her hard earned money because of an interest beyond mere classmates. She has taken the first step; one you must reciprocate if you are interested in her. She may not have the patience to wait around you for too long. She has gone beyond what is normal for a woman and at 30, you should by now be able to read a woman to some extent. Create the opportunity for both of you to at least sit down for a discussion. You don’t have to propose romance immediately; just talk about your challenges as well as the disappointments you have had so far. Also it will be a good thing for you to listen to her story; it will give you an idea of what she wants from her man. The fact that she is a trouser wearing woman doesn’t make her promiscuous or ungodly. Religion is a thing of the mind. It goes beyond what we say. More than anything else, our attitude forms the basis for our religious beliefs. God isn’t impressed with what we say but how we react to others around us. Besides, religion is tolerance. You must exhibit tolerance as well as listen to the voice of God inside of you. We are all His messengers. God may want to use you to change her. But if you start by being arrogant and condemning, there is no way she would listen to you at all. Don’t also forget she is an adult who has formed her ways so she cannot change because you say to. Only love like the one she has shown you can make her listen to what you have to say or accept your kind of lifestyle. If you have feelings for her, make it known to her. There is nothing out of this world. Once there is love, a lot of things can change. Besides, love doesn’t come in the package that we are familiar with. Sometimes it comes in unexpected wraps. You have to be careful, not to miss what God has in store for you. Unless you are convinced that you don’t like her, will never be able to cope with her kind of person, then let go and stop encouraging her calls. But it would be wise if you give yourself at least the opportunity to get to know her beyond the school walls. One thing is for sure, this woman likes you. Good luck

My mother has refused to bless my choice

Dear Agatha, I need your advice. I have been going out with this guy fir the past three years now, he was a Muslim then. He has how ever converted to our Christianity and I am hundred percent sure it is not those gimmicks some men play to hook the woman they admire. If I expected this piece of news to thrill my mother, I thought wrongly. Her excuse this time is that he is not a strong believer. Because of that, she refused to give us her consent to marry. What do you suggest? I do love him very much. Tina. Dear Tina. If what you feel for him is right; he makes you very happy, he understands your feelings and is ready to negotiate with you on certain areas dear to you, please go ahead. Granted a mother’s is blessing is very important but this is your life not hers. Your happiness is what is important at this critical time in your life. She made her choice with your father; you should also be allowed to make your choice and mistakes too. This is what life is all about. No matter how much she loves you, she cannot be the husband you need now. you have come to that important point in your life when you just must make the decision concerning the future. Someone has to love you for the cycle of life to continue. It is unfortunate she doesn’t like the form your love is taking but leaving the nest isn’t one that comes easy for some children. as her child, you must make her appreciate those things she cannot see in your man. The pride of a young woman is when men come to her marriage. She loses her self-esteem when she goes cap in hand begging to be married. Your mother has had her chance: she should allow you the opportunity of having yours. There is no relationship where mistakes are not made. What is important is how we overcome them. The joy and the peace you will experience with this man cannot be compared with what you feel for your mother. There is obviously something your mother is not saying. Implore her to tell you what the problem really is because you are finding her attitude strange. Unless her reason is something that cannot be ignored, go for him. We all come with our faults. I am sure there is something about you his family too cannot tolerate but which they have elected to overlook because of their son. His decision to change from the religion he was born into a strange one couldn’t have been an easy decision for him. There is no guessing the anger, pressure he is facing from his family over this decision. Your mother should appreciate hit gut not look for excuses to discourage him. How many Christian today are really converts? Rather than condemn him, he should be encouraged in his new faith. Whatever your decisions are, don’t be rude to your mother. Simply tell her politely what you intend doing and that you would very much appreciate if she refuses, don’t worry, once God is in favour of the relationship, go ahead. Continue to perform your obligation to your mother. One day, she would come to accepting him as her son. But be sure by asking God for His direction and help. Good luck

This isn’t the woman I married

Dear Agatha, How does one describe a woman who under the guise of going for a holiday abroad came back a different person? Since last year, I have heard stories of my wife of almost 25 years having affairs with boys her sons’ ages. You see Agatha, one gets to an age in life when one pretends not to notice or hear certain things. At 61, I have seen almost all the shades of life to be shocked. Between you and I, when these stories about my wife were coming, I at first didn’t believe them but I began to suspect when she started behaving in stranger manner. She was wearing clothes that left her behind exposed, I mean blouses that really didn’t cover her up. I am 11 years older than she is. At 50, she still looks beautiful and appealing in the kind of way women blessed with good body usually are at that age. Even when I thought they were right, I made up my mind to be fair to her. I too have had flings here and there. If she wanted to feel young, I figured, I should let her be. At my age, I was too experienced in the ways of men and women to bother myself with whatever she maybe have decided to do. Besides, it was the best way for me to handle my heart problem. I wasn’t ready to die over the decision of one woman, even if she is my wife to have a relationship outside our marriage. As long as she didn’t end up embarrassing me, kept it out of my sight and environs, I was ready to endure the marriage because as a wife and mother, she has really tried. But not even my resolve to look the other way prepared me for the latest development. Sometimes, I wonder if women ever think or know the implications of their decisions. My wife traveled to United kingdom to spend sometime with our daughter or so she said. Six weeks, she comes back looking 20 years younger courtesy of a dramatic plastic surgery she went for. She didn’t bother to inform me, ask for my opinion and permission before taking such a major decision. From her action, it is obvious to me that what I think no longer matters. Although in front of her people compliment her new looks, behind her, they mock us. As a matter of fact, her children too are embarrassed by her decision and a few of my friends have asked me why I allowed her get away with it. Sincerely, I have had it with her. I am really angry with everything and I am not impressed with her looks at all. Like her, I have also refused to discuss whatever she did to herself and refused to be seen together with her. I guess the reaction of the people around her must have gotten through to her because she no longer attends the family church; instead she now attends one of her friends’ church. I hope you don’t regard my question as an insult but what is it with you women? Why do women hurt the men who love them the most? What goes on in the mind of the average woman? Although my mind is made up about my marriage but I can’t help wondering if you women think at all. Roland. Dear Roland, Not at all! In the line of this job, I have learnt to understand the different feelings and emotions of everybody when going through one form of crisis or the other. I have become used to remarks like yours so I am not offended. It is logical, given your recent experiences. You must be going through a cocktail of emotions. I am at a crossroad on how best to handle this issue due to its multi-dimensional nature. However it calls for absolute patience. You must treat them individually. This way, you will be sure precisely what you are reacting to in this marriage. You also have to factor in the years you have both spent together; especially those years when she was much younger and more attractive. In doing this, you must also take into considerations your own contributions to the person she has become. Are you sure you didn’t help to make her the kind of woman she has become? In terms of attention and appreciation, how would you grade yourself? While I am not trying to give her an easy berth, the truth remains that we unwittingly weaken or sharpen the resolve of our partners to become total strangers to us. If she is having affairs at the age both of you should be recapping on your life together, finding the emotional and mental equilibrium to advance into middle age, then something is very wrong in all the years you have spent together so far. This is especially so if she has been faithful to you all these years. An old woman doesn’t learn new dance steps in her prime. Those women you were unfaithful with, how did they look? While you were in these relationships, how much time did you have for her and the children? Did you make her feel ugly, unwanted and unappreciated? Did you at any time bother about her sexual fantasies or just overrode her right of say? What kind of lover and husband were you? Were you a father and friend or a boss and tyrant? How did you bridge the gap of 11 years between the two of you? A lot of times, we focus more on the mistakes, the end product of our collective actions over the years and not on the issues that gave birth to the issues in the first place. Honestly, there is no way she could have simply made up her mind in her old age to misbehave. Years of endurance, silent suffering and deprivation must have changed her to this little monster before you. And this kind of problem doesn’t just go away. It isn’t by pretending you are matured about it or that you have seen all there are to see about life. No! It is about talking and reconciling your differences at the end of it all. Whatever you decide to do with the marriage, both of you must talk because you have too much at stake. Given your ages, forget about what she has done to her body, nothing can change the age of the mind, you have both reached that delicate stages in your life when a lot of thoughts and considerations go into every decision taken. Unlike in the past, when you can afford the gamble over a wrong decision, you cannot do that now. From this point any resolution must factor in the interest of others as well as its implications on everyone especially the children and grandchildren. Also, you have to consider your own health. At this age, what can you do on your own without a woman in your life? Yes, paid helps can take care of domestic chores, but what about your emotions and other little details which only a wife can do best? Call her irrespective of whatever you think her accumulated sins are. To make the discuss fruitful, suppress whatever anger or disappointment you feel towards her. Like you rightly said, we get to a stage in life when things that were so important assume less significance. She may not have done the surgery for the sake of other men but to get you to notice her after years of aching for it. By giving her the opportunity to pour out her heart, you make it easier for the both of you to subject your life together to proper scrutiny. Every marriage needs this kind of examination to help heal it from the effects of abuse we unwittingly subject our unions to. Many issues that come up in marriages are from taking each other for granted. A lot of couples assume that once the dotted lines are signed, the marriage can run itself to success. Unless the same efforts, devotion, interest, love, respect and attention is invested in making a marriage work, it soon runs into problem of rust. This kind of talk will also help you realise how you contributed to the problems you now blame her for. Importantly, it will help both of you realise in explicit terms the direction of the marriage. There is nothing that heals a bad marriage like a frank talk. At this point, don’t hide anything from her, including the bit about her extra marital affairs. It is only after this kind of talk that you can make the right kind of decision; because your perspective becomes clearer and more profound. If at the end of the day, there is something to salvage, don’t hesitate to give your marriage another chance. Like you admitted there is nothing strange any more about life that you haven’t seen. It isn’t just women who hurt the ones they love. It is a human thing. We tend to take those we love so much for granted; that the end of the day, we end up hurting them unknowingly that we do those we are not so close to. The average woman lives for her children and husband. She therefore goes into frenzy when the man in the centre of her life ignores her. This is why you have to be sure of the motive of your wife before condemning her. God will touch you both where you each need Him the most. Good luck.

My wife’s become too skinny for my liking

Dear Agatha, I am longer comfortable with my wife and it is affecting our marriage. My wife used to be on the plump side. It was one of the things I fell in love with her. She typified the traditional African woman, who has the curves in the right places. She didn’t add too much after our two children. At any rate, I wouldn’t have noticed because I was really crazy about her shape. I also didn’t hide this from her. When some of her friends were harping on slim being the in-thing now, I warned her not to follow the trend; assured her she wasn’t fat, but just right for an ideal woman. Unfortunately, she seems not to believe me because sometime last year she enrolled in a gym. She told me it was to maintain her figure. I grudgingly allowed her to continue but warned her against being slim. Now I can hardly recognise the woman I married as she is all bones. When I protested, she said it was the in-thing among her friends; that she doesn’t want to lose her husband. I reminded her that she doesn’t have problems with me on that score; that I want her the way she was. The issue now is I don’t want her anymore. I want her out of my life because she is beginning to repulse me. I no longer derive pleasure in her company. Much as I love her, I am no longer happy with her and very hurt by the fact that she preferred what her friends’ husbands think than what I feel about her. I don’t know what to do because we had a very happy marriage. She knows I have never liked skinny women. She has started to complain about my lack of interest in her, but there is no way I can ever be as close to her again in her present shape. I am really trying hard not to loathe her because once I get to that point, there will nothing more for me in the marriage. Please help me. I don’t know how to handle this challenge in my marriage of 12 years. Vincent. Dear Vincent, Since she is refusing to listen to you, she will listen to the friends she is copying. Report her to her friends, especially the ones you know are very responsible and would tell her the truth and tell them exactly what you have told me. Let them understand exactly how you feel about their friend’s disregard of your feelings as well as your intentions to end the marriage. Even if you don’t have that intention, letting it drop that you are actually contemplating ending it on account of her disobedience and the fact that you are no longer happy with her decision to alter her shape from what you like is enough danger signal to her. This information that you are thinking of ending the marriage will, no doubt, make her think twice about what is important to her. No woman would want to throw away 12 years of a happy marriage for the vanity of her looks. Doubtless, these friends would gather to talk sense into her head. When the chips are down, there is no contesting the fact; she knows the side her bread is most buttered. To force her hands the more, you could, for a week or so, play truancy from home. You could stay with a close friend or stay longer than necessary to give the impression that you are with someone else. Ensure at a particular time, you switch off your phone or allow it to ring endlessly. When you get home, tell her not to bother with food. No woman can withstand being ignored by her husband, who is coming late, refusing to answer his calls and not eating her food. Nothing will communicate your displeasure with her than this. She will be looking for ways of getting you to look her way, change your mind towards her. Once she gets to this point, open up and let her know how pained you are that she considers the opinion of her friends’ husbands more than yours. Every marriage has its low and high point. However, this development shows that your marriage isn’t as sound as it appears to be. Use this opportunity to listen to her also. Ask her what her problems are with the marriage. A good marriage is about harmonising your views and interests. For your happiness to be complete, you must also make out time to hear her out. Don’t forget she is the one with the body. You may like it and she doesn’t. It is a matter of meeting each other at a reasonable point. By deploying love, prayers, understanding and tolerance, you will achieve so much in this marriage. Good luck!

My ex turns out to be my sister’s fiancé

Dear Agatha, Please treat this as very urgent because I don’t have much time. I have only two weeks to confess or it would be too late. Years ago, when I was in England, I seduced one young man whom I eventually got pregnant for. Though 10 years younger than I am, I couldn’t help myself as he had all the qualities I wanted in a man so I planned it all by inviting him to my house. I knew it was not going to be easy convincing him to have a relationship with me since I was still married to the brother of his elder sister’s husband. It was one of those days when my husband went to France. I wore one of my sexiest nightgowns, which showed off my fantastic body. It didn’t take too long for him to capitulate. The relationship lasted for a year. It ended with my husband finding out about it when I became pregnant. He was very scared of the repercussion of accepting responsibility of the pregnancy. The shame of our relationship was too much for him; he left for Scotland. I went ahead to have the baby against the opinion of my friends and family members who expressed the view that I was taking it all too far. They didn’t understand my passion to have a baby when my last child was exactly 10 years old. To be frank, I didn’t understand it my self, I was ready to forfeit my marriage because of my passion for this boy and his child inside of me. Since I didn’t have his address or contact in Scotland, I bore all the expense of the baby on my own. My husband didn’t bother to come back to England. He along with our first and second sons settled in France, he allowed me to keep the youngest child; our only daughter, because of her age. Needless to say, my children and family were all disappointed in me but I was beyond caring. It was a burning desire to be loved, a satisfaction that I was still attractive enough to attract the attention of a young man and a handsome man too. Before the incident, my marriage and life was in comatose, my husband was either too tired to pay attention to me or too busy making money to care that I needed that special assurance only a man could give. The excitement in our life was missing, I tired discussing the decline in emotion satisfaction with him but he wasn’t listening. I had no choice but to follow the trend among women in England, having young lovers to give them what their husbands at home cannot give. For me, it was more than fun because I found for the first time that depth that I only imagined but never experienced. Well, I came back to Nigeria seven years after that incident to discover the man my sister is getting married to, to be the same man who is the father of my seven year old daughter. The mistake was made because nobody in my family knew him. All they knew about the incident was that I got pregnant and had a baby for a man. He met my sister in Nigeria five years ago. He did not tell her about his child or me. Seeing him again after all those years brought back my feelings. I went in search for him, and blackmailed him into sleeping with me. The reason I am writing to you is that he recently called my bluff, saying I could go to the roof top to tell the world about our affair and the child. Agatha. I am not selfish but I love him so much. I want him for myself. How do I make him understand this before he marries my sister? I also want my daughter to know who her father is. She has of recent started asking questions about her father. I want to inform my sister that her husband to be is my daughter’s father. What do you think I should do? Emi. Dear Emi, I hate to say this but your attitude leaves me with no choice; you are unfeeling and self-centered. These two ingredients have the ability to destroy any human being. You are only concerned about your self not caring about the consequences of your actions on the lives of the people around you. For instance, is your desire to introduce father and child really honorable or out of a selfish wish to destroy your sister and keep the man to yourself? While that child has a right to know who her father is, your objective is very wrong, your aim is to cause your sister and her man pains, which is a very callous thing to do. Although you claim your lack of emotional satisfaction is the bane of your infidelity, your current attitude shows there is more to it. It could be a psychological problem you are not aware of. Why else would you destroy your marriage, hurt you husband and children by going out with this man, getting pregnant for him and having his baby? If you had tired enough, using the same technique you used in luring that boy into your bed, you would still have been married and a happy woman. A lot of women overcame such problems because they admitted to it, sourced for solution within the walls of their homes. Had you taken the extra step, you would also have overcome. The selfishness in you made you go into that relationship and got pregnant without thinking for a second what kind of problem you were fermenting into the future of that child. Have you bothered to think of how that child would feel in the future to know that she was a product of a scandalous affair, one that led to the break up of your first marriage? One of such problems has already started to manifest. Her auntie’s would-be-husband is her father. How do you expect her, this auntie and her father to ever have a normal relationship? How do you expect her to relate with the children from such marriage? How is she going to cope with the embarrassment of such mixed up relationships? The poor child through no fault of hers would forever carry the grime of your carelessness and poor moral values. And why are you determined to destroy your sister’s happiness? Why are you hell bent on destroying everybody and thing because of this young man? Is he the only man in the world? What you feel for him is not love but a strange case of an emotional illusion that keeps urging you to self-destruction. Already, it has deadened your ability of fair reasoning. It is awakening in you something so passionately destructive; so much so it envelops you in a world that is just you and you alone. You just have to wake up from this damaging and unreal word of emotional downhill you have degenerated into before you really hurt yourself and further cause injury to members of your family. Nobody can do this for you. It is a matter of asking God to help you to remember what is wrong and what is good. Learn to do to others what you would want them to do to you. How would you feel if you are in your sister’s shoes? How do you want everyone in the family to react if they get to know you are blackmailing your sister’s fiancé to sleep with you? Even though that young man is weak, go and apologise to him for what you have done to him. You don’t have to stay around to witness the marriage if you cannot handle it emotionally. Look for an excuse to go back to England and put a respectable distance between you and him. Give your sister and her man the chance to be happy. It is the least you can do. For once, learn to put the interest of another person before yours. The presence of your child will never quite remove your shadow in their lives because your daughter would always be her stepdaughter irrespective of the relationship between the two of you. Don’t forget that your family members you embarrassed once, might not be too forgiving if you bring up the ashes of that inglorious past in a manner that would embarrass everybody and bring to memory events that have been left in the past. It is not your place to inform your sister about her fiance’s relationship with your daughter. Give him the right to tell your sister himself. Granted that she has to know but the decision of when to tell your sister is his’, not yours. Don’t get me wrong. Falling and being in love is a wonderful experience. It is peaceful, selfless and joyful experience but not this disastrous calamity you feel for this man. To find that peace you seem to be questing for, go to God for help and forgiveness. Go and make peace with your past. It is important you ask for the forgiveness of your ex husband and children because you wronged and hurt them. You need their prayers and forgiveness to be happy. Good luck

My mother is against our relationship

Dear Agatha, I am 29 years old fresh law graduate of Abia State University, resident in Umuahia. I am currently in love with a man who is 39. He is not rich but comfortable. I got into relationship with him four years ago though at that time I didn’t know that he was married. Each time I tried to raise issue about his status; he would deliberately waive it off. After about a year, he disappeared and wasn’t showing up at my place so I got on with my life though I missed him. To my surprise and joy, he resurfaced last year December and proposed to me in January. He confessed he was married as at the time we met and that he was having serious marital issues with his wife as at then. He said they were now separated due to irreconcilable differences; a year ago. He claimed to have always loved me but was being careful because of the wife. He assured me everything was settled and had to stay off for sometime to be sure he wasn’t just getting into another relationship because of his failed marriage. The man like me, is from a very disciplined Christian home. I have taken it upon myself to verify the truth in all he told me from other sources. He has been very honest with me. His parents and siblings insist that the marriage must be dissolved to preserve the man’s life. He married the woman who was five years older than him almost immediately after meeting him without courtship. He married the woman on the recommendation of a trusted friend of his whom he contacted to source for a wife for him. Because his friend was dating the girl’s mother, a fact my man wasn’t aware of as at the time he married the lady. He was blind to so many facts including the age difference as well as her desperation to hook any man who came her way. They started making babies almost immediately. He began to notice the unbearable flaws in her two years into the marriage and the fact that she is older. His first attempt at terminating the marriage was stalled by the intervention of the church and the village head. He allowed her back and she became more terrible. I can confidently say he shares no blame in the breakup of the marriage but for the sake of fair play, I would apportion 20% of the blame to him. The problem now is I still live at home with my parents and since my mother always see the man with me; I gave her details about him. Now I wish I didn’t. She has threatened to hands off me if I keep seeing the guy. The man has three kids from his failed marriage. The first is five years of age, (this one stays with him) the second, is three (this one stays with his sister), while the last child is with his ex. They got married in the church and in the traditional way. My mother’s fear is that when these kids grow up, they would make my stay in the house uncomfortable. She also nurses the fear that my husband’s attitude might change towards me later and that if his ex doesn’t remarry, she would stop at nothing to make sure I am never happy in that house. She gave me instances of women who have bitter tales to tell from similar marriages. To drive home her point, she uses hurtful words on me. She is convinced that the ex might think that I am responsible for the break-up of the marriage. I have been patient with her explaining that this man holds the key to my happiness. Agatha, I understand her fears and the risks involved in this kind of venture. I am not a toddler and have seen other people’s marriages succeed. My feeling for this guy is deep and I am convinced we would be happy together. It is obvious even to my mother that this guy loves me and he would do anything to make me happy. I love my mum so much but the issue has created tension between us that we are almost not on speaking terms. The situation is even affecting her health. Even though I am prepared to wait for another two years, I have suitors at home and abroad but no matter how much I try, I can’t do without this guy. My mother thinks his presence around me will continue to put those guys off, this much I know but I don’t mind because I care so much about him. I am the first in a family of six girls and a boy. Four of us are graduates while two of my sisters are married. Agatha, I am not saying his attitude towards this whole issue is wrong or right. But I am confident everything shall be well. I have confided in two senior friends and I guess your place will definitely be the best place before I take the final decision. Please let your advice be extensive. Please be blunt and direct with me. Thanks for your efforts. Ugoji Dear Ugoji, Though you requested that I send this reply via your mailbox, I have since stopped that because it defeats the essence of this page. The idea for this page is for us to learn from each other’s problems and solutions. Having said that, I want to begin by asking you one question, before you split up the first time, what went wrong? A man who went out with you for one year and didn’t bother telling you about his marriage does not come across as a true Christian as you claim. A true Christian would not even engage in extra marital affair let alone date a woman for one year without telling her during the period about the wife at home. Even if it was just a relationship, decency demands it of him to confide in you. Your mother is right. Nobody would believe you didn’t have anything to do with breaking up a marriage that produced three children. If the marriage were that turbulent, how come they have three children in less than five years? Babies don’t grow on tree and angry men don’t make love with the women who are after their lives. Only a man obsessed with lovemaking, would sleep with a woman he hates with passion in which case, one has to be careful with such a man because he lacks principle and self-control. Has it occurred to you from the calculations you gave that while this man was dating you, he was still making babies with his wife? And that two of his three children came while you were dating him? A man who is unfaithful to one woman is capable of being unfaithful to several women at a time. When did he discover the age differences? Did the knowledge stop him from making babies with her? My dear, this is an indication that the age thing is an after thought. Even if his friend packaged the woman, he was not blindfolded, he saw her, valued her before taking her to his family and the church. Even if he didn’t notice the age difference then, didn’t his people? Why didn’t they protest the age difference then before agreeing to the marriage? If nobody noticed it then, it shows it was never an issue. How do you feel as a woman with the way he has distributed his children? One of his children staying with his sister, he having one and one with his wife, how do you reconcile with that? Is it responsible of him to disperse children like that? Granted problems are part of marriage, is quitting the best panacea? How would those children feel later if they are allowed to live apart till they are adults? Do you think they would ever be able to forgive their father or you for that matter? Herein are your mother’s worries and wisdom. This man did not do a thorough job on his marriage and neither is he handling the so-called separation properly. It is like all the major decisions concerning his marriage, he cedes to other people. As a Christian, you ought to know that God abhors divorce and that by marrying a man who drove away his wife is courting the wrath of God. It isn’t right. And what if he decides to go back to his wife? There is no marriage that is flawless and there is nobody that is perfect. We all seek the grace of God in making us tolerable to others. This man and his wife should have gone to God in prayers to help them build their marriage but appears unwilling. Worst marriages have been amended through the grace and involvement of God. We are inherently imperfect. What guarantees do you have that he would not drive you away few years after you get married to him and bring in another woman? If he does it effortlessly the first time, he could do it again because another willing lady maybe waiting in the wing to take him in. There is more in marriage that assurance, seek the face of God in this matter. Go to Him in prayers and please submit your will and preferences to Him. Ask Him to select a life partner for you, not one that would dump you mid way. Good luck.

He is old enough to be my father

Dear Agatha, I am 23 and have just finished my youth service in Eboyi State. I lost my father when I was 10 years of age. My mother, a petty trader didn’t have much help from my father’s family. Being three girls, they said investing in our education would amount to bad investment as we would end up in other families. But for the insistence of my paternal grandfather who overruled the decision to send my mother and us out of the family house, only God knows how she would have coped. Before my grandfather died, he was the only one who cared if we ate or not. Anytime my mother was crying over unpaid fees or lack of food, he would come with money which he saved from his feeding allowances his other children normally send him. He did that without the knowledge of the other children because they would have protested. His death three years after meant we had to depend on ourselves to survive. Fortunately, the matter of us quitting the house didn’t come up again. We hawked, worked as house help to go through school. When I was in SSS2, things became almost impossible. I was almost dropping out of school because we couldn’t feed let alone pay school fees. Things were very bad and my mother didn’t know what to do. One day, I came back home from where I had gone to search for a cleaning job to meet an elderly man whom my mother said would help with my education. She only said the man was an old friend. From that point, things changed for better for us. My mother suddenly had enough money to open a big supermarket in the village and before long, she was riding a car. The man became a regular visitor to our home. I thought he was dating my mother but she never went out with him and he had nothing but respect for my mother. I was too happy to bother them. Any way they were adults and free to do whatever they desired with their bodies. The man obviously had money because he insisted my younger siblings be withdrawn from public schools to one of the most expensive private schools in our state. He bought a house for us and we packed from our family house to our new place. I also noticed that a number of my father’s relatives that were very hostile to us in the beginning became friendly and were now visiting us more often. While at the university, the man would come to visit me and whenever he did, he would come with handful of gifts items. He never failed to tell me to come to him whenever I needed money or anything. My mother also said this much. Both of them always warned me against keeping male friends and the few times I brought some friends home, they didn’t like it. I decided not to upset both of them by keeping my boyfriend out of view. When I was posted to Eboyi State for my youth service, he came often to see me. He would always tell me he was in town for one business or the other and so decided to visit me. I didn’t suspect anything until I came back from my youth service. My mother called me to a meeting where this man whom I have come to respect as a father figure was present. My father’s only brother and his two sisters were also there. It was there they told me that this man was my husband and that they had already accepted the bride price. That it was based on this agreement he did all those things he did for us. This man is over 60. He is a widower with grown up children living abroad. After they all left, my mother said she was forced into the agreement to protect our future. She said she kept quiet about the arrangement because she knew I would never agree. She said I should consider the future of my siblings whom he had promised to sponsor abroad by agreeing to his marriage proposal. She added it would be selfish of me not to oblige her request simply because I had finished my education. I have a boyfriend I plan to marry. I would have gladly dropped out of school had I known of this plan. My mother is threatening to disown me and the man says he would sue my family for betraying his trust if I don’t marry him. He has already withdrawn the car he gave my mother and said he would take back the house which unknown to us was bought in his name. My boyfriend who works with a multinational oil company has promised to help with the education of my siblings but my mother isn’t just ready to listen. The fact that my boyfriend’s father has gotten me a job in the bank where he is the chairman is not enough to appease my mother who says it would take time for my boyfriend to have the kind of money to take care of my siblings and herself. She has set her eyes on the wealth of this other man without considering my own happiness. I don’t know what to do. Agatha, how do I get out of his mess? How on earth did my mother get me into this? Charity. Dear charity, Don’t panic. At 23, you are an adult capable of making your decision. Since you were not part of the agreement between the man and your mother; he cannot really come out to accuse you of anything. Granted the man would feel a measure of hurt and perhaps betrayal, he should hold your mother and father’s siblings responsible for this current development. But that doesn’t stop you from going to plead with him for understanding and forgiveness on account of looking after you and your siblings when it mattered the most. He made life easier for you and gave you through sound education an opportunity you would never have had were you left hawking on streets. That you met a man like your boyfriend and his family is as a result of the opportunity he gave you. Fairy tales don’t happen again so the era of poor Cinderella meeting her price charming is far removed as the earth is from the sky. For this reason, go and beg him to let you off the hook. It is obvious your mother would never give ears to your pleas, so you have to do this on your own. Ask him what would be his reaction if his wife were to force his daughter to marry a man old enough to be her father? Go on your knees and plead with him. Commit whatever you would say at the meeting to God who is able to change the hearts of men. Ask God to soften his heart so that he can listen without anger to all you have to say. Let him know that had you known from the beginning, you would never have allowed him to invest his money and time on you and the family. Make him understand you would remain eternally grateful for all he did for you and your family but, he should put himself in your shoes. Tell him you have always regarded him as the father you lost when you were just 10 years old. Don’t expect him to listen to you on the first day of your visit or that his forgiveness would be automatic. You might have to go repeatedly and with your boyfriend to make his stance towards you thaw. Your mother has created a situation for you, which needs careful handling to ensure you have a smooth sail in future. If he insists on his money, work out a payment schedule as part of your efforts at reparation and restitution. Plead with him to regard his financial assistance as a form of soft loan which you are willing to pay within a time frame that is convenient for both of you. It is a pity you are being made to mop a mess you were not part from the beginning but, which nevertheless you are a prime beneficiary of. To be fair to this man, he has a right to be angry; it is very important you understand this fact, no matter how irritating the whole episode appears to you or his childish reactions to your decision. A lot of the problems we confront today in our lives are those created by our parents. Don’t expend energy getting angry with your mother. It isn’t worth it. She apparently didn’t pause to think or consider the implications of her actions. Sometimes, poverty can make the most reasonable person behave in a way that calls to question that person’s sanity. Even though this doesn’t reasonably justify your mother’s action, you still have to be reasonable to navigate this maze successfully. Fighting too many battles at this critical point would be too much for you to handle at once. If after repeated attempts to plead with him, he insists it is either he marries you or nothing, call his bluff as well as your mother’s. With time, this will blow over and she will come to support your love for your man. Good luck.

What do I do?

Dear Agatha, I am in a very big fix. My wedding is only three weeks away but I am finding it impossible to concentrate on the arrangements or stimulate for that matter, the necessary excitement towards the bride. It all started at about a month ago when I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Ironically, when we were in school, I wasn’t too serious about her despite everything she did to demonstrate her love for me. I simply wasn’t into her at all. A lot of my friends didn’t like the way I was treating her then. I can still recall my best friend telling me back then after she came into my flat one day and met another girl. She left in agony and embarrassment because I simply didn’t care about what she felt meeting this other lady. My friend who witnessed it all said I would one day regret the way I was treating her. I brushed his observations aside. Although she came back after that; I knew something had changed in her. It wasn’t something one could pinpoint but, she was not the same woman I knew. For a while she disappeared. I didn’t bother to look for her because I was really glad she was at last off my back. A year later, she came to my office to inform me of her pending marriage. Strangely, I didn’t feel excitement at the news. I simply didn’t like the idea that she was getting married at all or another man coming close to her at all. The feeling was so powerful and strange; I couldn’t explain where it was coming from or the reason for it. This woman I never felt anything strong for? A woman I regarded simply as a good bedmate? I wondered why I was developing intense hatred for the man I have never met; the one she would be spending the rest of her live with? Casting away my gloom, I pretended to be happy for her and even took her out to celebrate. It was a big mistake as the food tasted like ashes in my mouth. Needless to say, I didn’t attend the wedding. When I told my friend about the incident and the way I felt about it, he didn’t express any sympathy for me; instead he reminded me of how badly I treated her. It was a while, four years precisely that I was able get thoughts of her off my mind. Once I did, I promptly proposed to the lady I was dating. It was while shopping in one of the highbrow unisex boutiques that I ran into my ex. The moment I saw her, I knew my marriage plans were moribund. I wanted her like I have never wanted any woman in my life. It was then it dawned on me that I have always loved her and that she remains the only woman who has been able to touch something very deep within me. I realized that all the time I wanted her out of my life was because I was afraid to love and was trying to fight against my feelings for her. Hugging her that afternoon did something to me. I planted a big kiss on her lips which strangely she returned with the same measure of thirst I felt for her. Somehow, I didn’t want her to know I was planning a wedding; I feared that piece of information would drive her away from me and I would never see her again. But I didn’t want to lie or hurt her should she get to find out from another source. We ended up in a food outlet where she told me about the collapse of her marriage after six months. The man has since remarried while she is still single. She ended up saying she shouldn’t have gone into it in the first place. At that juncture, I had no choice but to inform her about my pending wedding. She wished me well but told me she wouldn’t be able to make it as she would be out of town that weekend. Agatha, after that chance meeting; l lost interest in getting married to any other woman. I realized she will forever be the only woman for me. I want her for keeps. My best friend says I shouldn’t go ahead with the marriage feeling this way about my ex. He says, it would be best to disappoint my would-be-wife now than make both of us unhappy forever. My parents have given me the go ahead to put all wedding plans on hold if I am convinced that she isn’t the right woman for me. Their position is the same with that of my best friend. My mother says she would rather face the embarrassment now that have me being unhappy thereafter. Agatha, I am a bundle of confusion now. I can’t think straight. Is something wrong with me? Can I still go ahead with the wedding or do you think I should terminate it and marry the woman I am very sure would make a very good wife? I love my ex with everything in me. Please help me. The wedding with the other fixed for Saturday, June 1st. I don’t have much time on my hands. Your prompt response is needed. Edward. Dear Edward, Love is one emotion that makes the most wise among us act foolishly. True love can be very humbling. As you must have found out, you don’t get to choose love, instead it does the choosing. Most times, love gives to us people we would ordinarily not want within miles of our radius. When you had her at your side, you never did appreciate her because you were trying to select who you fall in love with. Thank God you discovered each other again because you made another mistake of marrying the wrong woman and making everybody unhappy at the end of it all. Since her ex husband has remarried, she is free to remarry. But before you contact your ex, call the woman in your life now and who would have become your wife if providence hadn’t stepped in to explain your feelings and regrets to her. Don’t expect her to pat you on the back because the timing is very wrong. But it is better than leading the poor woman into a marriage you know will never work. Explain to her that giving what you currently feel, your marriage to her will never work and that you will never be faithful to her. She is bound to be bitter, dejected and pained at whatever you have to say so beg her to forgive you because she really doesn’t deserve this treatment at all. You also owe her family a lot of apologies. It won’t be easy for them at all. Don’t neglect the fact that already they view their daughter married. Having it extinguished before it becomes reality would really affect them all. It is going to be a lot of anguish for the whole family so be mindful of how you present the matter to them. Much as you cannot help your feelings, you can help lessen the pains by what you say and how you say it. The situation you find yourself is very precarious so be careful how you go about it. As a matter of fact, get your parents involved. Your mother should go and see her mother first. Women have a way of tackling these things. A word of caution here; don’t tell them you have found someone else or flaunt your relationship with your ex now out of respect for the feelings of this woman and her family members. It would amount to rubbing salt on an open injury. Ditching her few days to her wedding could make her harm herself or go into deep depression. Finding out you did it because of another woman could make her go berserk. You owe it to her, if for nothing to be discreet so she can heal faster and have the confidence to fall in love with another man again. It is you that isn’t in love with her; for all you know, she might be so much in love with you. If you can afford it, relocate to another place. Though she may never want to see you again, but follow up your physical apologies with a letter detailing all her unique qualities and how you wish things didn’t end this way. Let her know she would one day thank you for causing these pains when she finds that special man that has what you don’t have to make her very happy. It is extremely important you do your best to make her reasons with you, if not now but later in life. While you pray for God’s blessings in your current relationship, plead with God to find a perfect replacement for you in her life. Good luck.

My mother-in-law is a terror

Dear Agatha, My marriage is just three months old. My father-in-law is a very good man, the kind of father I prayed for. I lost my father last year and he has become a fine replacement for him. Since marrying his son, he has been there for me, telling me things he knows will help me live a wonderful life with my husband. Through him, I got to know what kind of things to avoid and what to hold tightly to. He even went as far to teach me how to make his son’s favorite food which incidentally is also his. He said his mother used to cook it for him and that my husband fell in love with the food too when he went to live with her. His wife, my stepmother-in-law is also an angel. Unless one is told she isn’t the biological mother of my husband, you won’t know from the way she dots on my husband and his elder brother. Her daughters and son accord their elder brothers every respect they deserve. On the other hand, my mother-in-law is a terror. She is divorced from my father-in-law. I learnt she didn’t also last long in her second marriage. She is in her third marriage. For some strange reasons, she and I didn’t get off on a good start. But being the younger woman, I have tried my best to be civil and to avoid getting into her wrong side. But with her latest decision and desire, there is no way I can avoid it. About three weeks ago, she packed into my house without notifying me or her son. I came back from work to meet her fully installed in my guest room. She even had my sister staying with us made a different kind of meal for her, different from the one I instructed them to make. As if that wasn’t enough, she brought some clothes including her underwears she wanted my sister to wash. Out of respect, she did but left out the pants. When I came back home, my sister was very angry and indicated her interest to go if she was staying. I waited for my husband to come back home before saying anything. He too didn’t like the idea of his mother coming and tried to persuade her to go back to her husband’s house. Rather than face her son, she started raining curses on me and members of my family. There was nothing she didn’t say, including manipulating her son to favor his father instead of her; my husband and I bought a car for the father during his birthday. She told everyone who cared to listen that I will not enjoy peace in her son’s home. Its been hell for me. My husband has been begging me but every day she spends in our home is hell. My father-in-law and his wife are currently in Ghana; I don’t know if I should call him to report the development in my home. Every night, I hear her cursing any woman who will not allow her enjoy her son. What do I do? I am not cut out for her kind of person. Please help me because I am getting fed up and won’t mind leaving her son for my peace of mind. I haven’t told my mother because she is yet to recover from my father’s death which affected her badly due to their closeness. Telling her what I am going through might kill her. Agatha, please help me. Morayo. Dear Morayo, Every page of marriage is a lesson in endurance, sacrifices, patience and wisdom. Unfortunately, these experiences are the kinds nobody talks about. Even those who attempt to share their stories often than not hiss, sigh through the story. At the end of the day, the story is never fully told due to the desire to protect one’s marriage and image. Morayo, I assure you that whatever you are going through isn’t strange at all. If every married woman is to write her experience, you will find that we are all confronted in our different homes with similar situations; the only difference being in the faces of the actors. Even your mother-in-law who is your major headache now also went through a similar situation as a young wife. If the women before you survived to become mothers-in-law in the same homes they were victimized and traumatized as a wife then you will survive your ordeal. All you have to do is ask God for the grace to develop a thick skin to endure your mother-in-law. You will definitely out-live her as long as you have the determination to make your marriage work. There is no avoiding this kind of confrontation in most marriages. It will always happen because she sees you as someone vying for the love of the son she has always had to herself. One day when you too become a mother-in-law you will understand some of her sentiments. It takes the grace of God for a mother to let go completely especially if the wife of her son, tries to stop her from having access to him. There is no way a mother won’t get upset if she remembers all she went through in producing the man this younger woman is trying to monopolise. Is it the agony of the early days of pregnancy or the sleepless nights of worries when sick or going through life’s many changes that she went through with him? For these reasons, don’t worry whatsoever about her attitude towards you. Her desire is to have and keep the love of her son. Like most women in her shoes, she is trying to protect her territory; especially as she has no husband to keep her company. In your case, she is a handful because all her attempts at marriages have failed. Although she is refusing to say anything, she is lonely hence her decision to move into your home. Whether you like it or not, your husband is her son therefore owes her a certain degree of loyalty. This is something you must not attempt to deny both of them because they have been part of each other’s lives before you came in. The only thing is that she is over-doing it, placing curses on you. Whenever she does that, tell yourself it isn’t your portion and that at any rate, you have no intention of stopping her from having peace in her son’s house. From experience, women like her are difficult to win over because not only have they developed their ideas of what they want but are very determined to make sure her ways are the only right ones. Her kind needs idiotic patience to win over. Since you know she is impossible in many ways, try to ignore her when she begins. See her attitude as being part of who she is, an extention of the man you love. This way, you will to some extent tolerate her excesses while also working on your husband to do all he can to stop her from placing curses on you. If your husband taps into the natural love every mother has for her child, to plead with her not to curse you since he will be worst affected should anything happen to you. If you can both afford it, spend your weekends away from home. Leave on Friday and come back on Sunday evening. This way, you will reduce your time with her as well as have something to look forward to. This kind of sacrifice will help protect your mind and marriage from all the things she is doing or saying. As for your sister, it might be advisable for her to leave. Get an elderly woman to come in thrice in a week to clean the house for you. Such a woman would have the tact and experience to handle your mother-in-law’s tantrums. There is no way your sister can refuse to go on errands for her. It will eventually lead to more complications for you. The fact that she is unable to keep a home isn’t your business at all. You know what the reactions of your father-in-law would be to her staying in your house. Don’t try to play one against the other. They are both your parents-in-law. During her own birthday, no matter what, also give her a worthy gift to balance your act. Learn to be fair to her, in her shoes, how would you feel? Even if she is the most terrible person in the world, she deserves some attention too from her son. This is one reason you must be determined to make your own marriage work despite her attitude. She is obviously suffering for some ill-conceived decisions she made in the past but the lessons of life is all about healing old wounds. The more you all ignore her, the more bitter and unbearable she becomes. A little love and endurance from you can change her. She cannot give love because she never had it but, you have love so give it to her! Good luck.

How can I satisfy my man sexually?

Dear Agatha, What is the difference between sex and love-making? I am confused. I have read you on this topic before, but I am still confused. I want to be able to make my husband happy. I don’t want him going outside our home for any fun. Please be my sex teacher. Alero. Dear Alero, There is a world of difference between sex and love-making. Anybody can have sex, but only few people know the magic behind love-making. Just as it is true that not every couple know what love-making is. Sex is like glancing through a book while love-making is reading through a book and paying attention to the last details. Our interpretation of the act is what makes one stop at sex and another at love-making. Often, men and women think once a man can be intimate with a woman, it makes him an expert in the act of intimacy, whereas it takes more than the actual act to make it a memorable experience. If you want to make the difference in your marriage, give freedom to your imagination to run wild. And for a woman who wants to give her husband the best, don’t pretend or be shy in telling him what you want to do, as well as what you want from him. Often, women shy away from the idea of appearing too exposed when it comes to the issue of sex. If only women realise that once in the bedroom with a man, there is no morality. A woman who seeks to keep her man in line, and doesn’t want another taking her place, must be willing to give him the full benefit of being married. Being prime and proper isn’t for the bedroom; she should be a mix of naughty and mischievous. She should be daring and bold in getting what she wants from her man. As a married woman, you must come to the full realisation that you don’t owe anybody apologies for being one. You must explore every avenue your gender, age and position as a wife provides you to explore the mystery of sex. Perish the Sunday School teaching about sex being for procreation. It is more than that! It is both a recreational and bonding tool. It is a weapon a wise woman uses in reminding her man where the real power in a marriage is. It is also a weapon a woman should use in bringing her man to his knees whenever he strays. Women who fight over their men don’t know the power they have through love-making. So, from this early in your marriage, make up your mind to be wild and experiment when in the bedroom with your husband. Give him something to always take away with him when going out or travelling as well as something to look forward to when coming back. Keep him guessing what the menu will be for the day. This way, he cannot predict if he is coming home to a normal session or a wild one. Don’t forget that you have been licensed to do whatever you want with him in the bedroom. Be his commercial sex-worker; do what you think would make it impossible for him to look anywhere. You do this through detailed exploration of his body; make his entire body, from his scalp to the sole of his feet, your canvass. From his response, you will know when you have hit target. Store your information in your memory for future use. Such knowledge is always handy when there is a disagreement in the home. It helps, in a naughty way, to resolve issues that would have taken longer to settle. A word of warning though: good sex goes hand in hand with respect. If a woman is the best in bed, without respect for her husband, she will not enjoy her marriage. Good luck!