I caught my husband’s mistress on our matrimonial bed

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My marriage is less than two years old. It has been very difficult but since I made the choice to marry my husband, I have kept struggling to keep my home. I really don’t want to describe my husband as a lousy and very deceptive man but I discovered this few months after we got married. I dare not go back to my parents because my mother, from the very beginning, didn’t want me to marry him, so will not even listen to me let alone sympathise with me. To complicate things, his family members too don’t like me. Once he beat me up in the presence of his mother and all she did was look on. Her excuse was being too weak to separate us when the pastor came to settle the rift between my husband and I. I have kept pretending to my siblings that all is well with my marriage. My younger sister who is very close to me is the only one privy to what is going on in my home. She is helping me keep my secret because I asked her to. But the recent development is beyond me. I came back from spending a week with my family to discover another woman in my bed. He wasn’t expecting me on the day I came. For reasons I cannot explain, when he called the morning of that day I decided to come home to ask when our daughter and I would be coming back, I told him it won’t be until two days from the day he was calling. However, while I was sleeping that afternoon, I heard this voice that instructed me to return home that day. I had to wait until my mother came back before moving. We got home at about 9 p.m. to the scene of his girlfriend reading on my bed wearing one of his boxers.’ The lady said she isn’t aware of his marital status because he gave the impression that he is single and that he shares our flat with his sister. Can you imagine that he passed me and the baby off as his sister and niece? After apologising for the situation, she packed her things and left but not without heaping curses on my husband for what he did to both of us. Now he is begging for forgiveness and has practically sent the entire Lagos to beg me but the truth of the matter is how can I ever forget the image of another woman on the bed we both share? How can I let go of the knowledge that this man is capable of denying me and his daughter? I don’t know which hurts the most; referring to me as his sister or the woman he brought to my matrimonial home. To be honest, he disgusts me. To think I once loved him beats my imagination. Don’t know how I can handle this. Faramomi. Dear Faramomi, What is love? Is it not a tangle of the intricate and fragile? There is no good love story without scars, sacrifices, pains and frustration. The dance of love isn’t the rose-coloured honey laced images, we see or hear; far from it. The colours are drab and ugly. Only situations like you are going through really bring out the shine and brilliance of it. That is when its true strength and character come to the fore. Yes, your husband is cruel, wicked, insensitive, lacking in respect and honour but the question here is, do you still love him? The truth is, if you didn’t, you would have long left his life. That you took out time to compose and send this email to me shows that underneath all your pains and betrayals is a patient goldsmith willing to endure the extra heat to the most refined gold. Every married woman is a goldsmith. You cannot just walk away from your marriage on account of the challenges you are experiencing. At least, you got to meet your rival; some women don’t get to meet the other women until the products of such unions come of age and are battle ready to claim rights they have been brainwashed by their mothers to believing was denied them by the woman at home. Some women even get to know about their husbands’ other families at his death when the children and their mothers begin to come from different directions. At least, you now know of the possibility of him having a child outside his home so be prepared for the worst. It is the best way to overcome disappointment in life. Because life itself has no guarantees, you must find it in your heart to forgive him and let go of the memories of his betrayal else you risk making a very fundamental mistake. The reason for this is simple; no marriage or relationship is without a price to pay. From what you said, I guess you are a young woman. There is no way you can stay off sex if you leave him now. No matter the grudge you feel against men on account of your husband’s behaviour, a time would come when you would crave for the comforting arms of a man around you. Chances are the men that will be available will be married men. This means you will invariably also be guilty of the same accusation for which you ended your marriage. And if you decide to date only single men, the ones you will come across will not only be younger than you but out to milk you of your money and respect. In addition, you may want to marry again. What assurances do you have that the next man won’t be worse than your present husband? One thing I have come to learn about life is that only the faces of the actors change; their lines and delivery never change. Life is a funny mix. What makes you guiltless today may condemn you tomorrow. Today, it is the turn of your husband to be accused of recklessness, if you fail to apply wisdom to this complex case; you risk denunciation some years down the road. Ask those whose marriages are today being celebrated for the real stories behind their marriages. You will be surprised at the amount of sacrifices it took the women to make their marriages work. The stories won’t be different from what you are going through. Your experiences are what real marriages are made of; not the kind of romantic stories we read in romance novels. What you should appeal for now is sometime away to enable you put things in proper perspective. If you can afford it, apply for your annual leave to enable you distill your thoughts properly. Despite all I have said, you need to heal first. It is the only way to give your best once again to your dream of being together with this man. Look at your reasons for marrying him against the support of your family. Something very powerful must have influenced your decision to ignore your family’s position; you really need to dig that thing up for this marriage to move beyond this point that your differences have stationed it. Once you are able to remember your basic reason for agreeing to go with this man; it will be easier for you to forgive and forget the hurt you have suffered at his hands. Good memories are good balms for every sharp emotional pain. Such memories will dilute the anguish of your present experience. Besides, this is the time for you to negotiate your terms of staying together; ensure his friends and family are part of this agreement. Above all, learn to pray more. God is always able to do all things. Good luck.

My wife lied about everything

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My marriage is barely six months old but, I am already finding it very boring having sex with my wife. Although I don’t want to go into details of what transpired during our courtship for decency sake as well as out of respect to the vows we took but, suffice to say, my first night with her was a huge disappointment. I discovered she lied to me about almost everything. I won’t lie, I have had my fair share of experiences before meeting her. I can tell when a woman has been around or has had a baby. From what I discovered that night, a lot of water has passed under her bridge. Being from a strict Catholic home, coupled with the fact that my mother’s favorite aunty introduced her to me, I know without being told that divorce is out of it. I have therefore decided to bury my disappointment and go on with the marriage. But it hasn’t been easy because each day, I stay with her, I discover more and more lies. I am finding everything about our marriage very irritating. I told my father everything. He said, he would respect any decision I make given the fact that she lied to me. Despite this, I still think I should give the marriage a chance; to discover like you often say on this page, her inner qualities. Six months on, it is one disappointment after the other. She is dirty; so dirty that she doesn’t bother to flush the toilet after using it. I have scolded her without any results; I had to relocate to another room because I wasn’t brought up that way. Since the house was beginning to give off offensive odor, I had to employ the services of a house-keeper to take care of the house. Until the house-keeper came, I couldn’t go near the kitchen for fear of throwing up. Agatha, I waited until 39 years to get married. Now it seems all my waiting has been in vain. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t feel any excitement for her as a man. I thought my marriage would end all my years of night crawling but it seems it won’t. Although I haven’t gone outside my marriage, I fear that if things continue like this, I will. I am asking for help on how to end my nightmare. I have refused to discuss anything with her since that night of our first intimacy. Please Agatha, help me. Alex. Dear Alex, Obviously, trust has been bridged somewhere. It is not always easy to overlook the fact that one has been lied to. It is more painful when that person is someone close and dear. Often than not, the pain of such betrayal, never goes away. I can only guess she lied to you about being a virgin. She may have told you that when she met you to earn your respect but became extremely difficult for her to change the story when you showed signs of staying permanently in her life. While not trying to find an easy bed for her to fall on, the reality is, she was afraid to tell you the truth after all she told you at the beginning of your relationship. Unfortunately, the truth came when it was too late for you to do anything about. Therefore the issue now, is not how to undo the lies she told you but, how to move your marriage from the position her lies have stationed it. To help you come to a realization of how to proceed, ask yourself these important questions; how did you feel when you thought she was a virgin? Deep down was it one of the major considerations you pushed forward when making the decision to marry her? Having played the field and with the kind of experiences you admit to concerning women, wasn’t it possible that deep down certain things about her behavior and mannerism told you she lied about being a virgin but, which you decided to ignore because you wanted to marry a virgin? In retrospect, don’t you think you deliberately ignored those signs that broadcast her experiences because you wanted to believe her lies? Isn’t it possible too that the many things you are complaining about now wouldn’t have mattered if you met her a virgin? Would you have been patient to teach her how to maintain your home and warm your heart? Are your grievances not mere excuses to pave way for whatever future plans you may have to end your marriage? Sometimes we magnify situations more than they really are when angry, upset, disappointed or determined to have our way. Your wife may not really be as bad as you have painted her but, being very disappointed with her, angry at the series of lies she told you, you could have blocked your mind against all her efforts and positive sides. Until you are ready to bury your disappointments, you will never have the clarity of mind to properly tackle the issues in your marriage. Knowing your church will never support or approve of you divorcing her, why not address the issues in your marriage like a man instead of hiding under your disappointment to find faults with everything that your marriage represents? Given the kinds of lies she told, you have every right to be angry with her. But what you don’t have the right to do is to keep quiet about your observations; the law of justness kicks against it. Every issue that comes up in a marriage must be discussed irrespective of whether it is palatable or not, to enable the offending party know where the error is. Ideally, you should have discussed the matter with her the moment you discovered that she wasn’t a virgin. Refusing to discuss the matter with her meant you accepted her claims as true. Six months after living with her as her husband, there is no way you can convince anybody that you didn’t meet her a virgin. It is her words against yours if the matter ever comes into the open. The question she and others will ask is, why didn’t you point out the obvious that night? Whatever your reasons were for keeping quiet that night are wrong. And since you didn’t bother then to confront her, it is either you forget it completely and give your marriage a chance to move beyond the point you have placed it through your own cowardice to act as the man when you should have. If you choose to discuss your observations with her, be bold enough to come clean with everything you think is wrong. For instance, if you suspect she has given birth to a baby before, ask her and let her explain everything to you. To get her to open up to you, don’t be confrontational. Begin by asking her why she lied to you about being a virgin. From there, go into other things like her poor housekeeping and attitude. There is no marriage without a problem or that is perfect. Perfection comes with a lot of sacrifices and difficult choices. There is nothing stopping you from making this marriage a happy one as long as you can let go of the pains of your discovery. You won’t be the first man to discover his wife lied to him about being a virgin. A lot of women are doing that these days, telling men what they want to hear. It is bad, callous and deceptive but how are you sure the next woman won’t be worse than the one you are leaving? Life is a gamble. Who knows, by the time she is through with her story, you may have forgotten to be angry? Once you are able to forgive her, all the other things wrong with her attitude and manner will be sorted out by the two of you. Your marriage needs forgiveness to heal. Ask God for His help. Good luck.

Re: lion’s share of my father’s property.

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I stumbled on your piece and admire the manner with which you handled the issues that can jeopardize the future of Ese. Thank you for the counsel. What you told her is the truth. I wish I can reach her for us to share experiences. We have similar stories. My late father’s brother at the death of my father appropriated the building he jointly built with my father. He didn’t stop there, he went ahead to allocate their family’s only piece of land to his son. He also seized their mother’s building, jointly shared to him and my late father. He re-allocated the property to his children leaving us completely homeless. It was indeed a very difficult situation but I left everything to God not withstanding, the kinds of advices people were giving me. To the glory of God, the story is different today. I have built my own house. My siblings are also property owners; both developed and undeveloped in very choice areas of Port-Harcourt. They are also doing very well in their various endeavors. It is a thing of joy that we didn’t allow my uncle’s action stop us from seeking our dreams. We were focused and pursued our aspirations. We are today all graduates, pursuing for second and third degrees respectively. His children on the other hand are wayward. Maybe if I had pushed too hard, he would have eliminated me like he threatened to. Ese should leave them and move on with her education so that she can be a formidable force after graduation. My uncle today is impressed by our success and has been finding ways of reconciliation. I have forgiven him but we don’t need him or anything from him. So Ese, should run for her dear life and listen to what you advised. Lawrence.

My daughter and I are pregnant for the same man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in my early 50s. I am divorced; have been for more than a decade. I live on my own with my three children. About a year ago, I went into a relationship with a man four years younger than I am. Being married, we meet in my place. As a matter of fact he has the key to my flat. It was better than going to hotels. Besides, my daughters were grown up to appreciate that I need a man in my life. Well I thought I could trust him so I gave him permission to come to my house whenever he likes whether I am in or not. I also assumed my daughters were responsible enough to see him as their father. Unfortunately, I miscalculated. Unknown to me while he was having affairs with me, he was also sleeping with my two older daughters. I didn’t know what was happening until I took my eldest daughter to the hospital following her persistent complains of malaria. I also haven’t been feeling well; so decided to visit the hospital with my daughter. When the results came out, we were both pronounced pregnant. I was shocked because I didn’t expect to be at my age since I have been having irregular periods in the last two years. At 28, my daughter has never been pregnant. I was happy for her thinking it was the man I knew her with was responsible. Then, it didn’t even occur to me that he has been out of Lagos for three months. It wasn’t until we got home that the real problem started. We met my boyfriend at home. While I was still thinking of how to break my news to him, a text message came to his phone. After reading the text, he became very agitated so much so he lost concentration. I was so concerned, I forget what I was about to say and snatched the phone from him to know what got him so upset. The way he responded to my taking the phone got me very suspicious; I quickly transferred the message to my phone before handing it over to him. I did the transfer while he was struggling to take the phone away from me so, he wasn’t aware of what I did. I almost fainted when I read the text and discovered it was my daughter telling him that we were both pregnant for him and that he should tell me to abort the baby since she was going to keep hers. She told him if he tried to play smart with her, the whole world would know that he has been sleeping her mother, sister and herself. The worst thing now is that he is nowhere to be found. I have tried getting him on his phone numbers but none is going through. The friend I know him with says, he doesn’t know his whereabout and has bluntly refused to take me to his house. My second daughter has left home for an unknown destination following the revelation by her sister that she too has been sleeping with him. I am very confused as my daughter and I are stuck with out situation. How do I explain to the world that my daughter and I are pregnant for this same man and that he is no where to be seen? What do you suggest we do? Although my daughter is still adamant about aborting her pregnancy; I am scared about aborting mine given my age. Rita. Dear Rita, This is an untidiness you could have avoided by keeping your home off limit to your boyfriend. It was an error on your part to encourage and give him a blank cheque to your home whenever likes. With grown up girls in the house, you took too much for granted of a man who isn’t the father of your children and who you have known for such a short time. No matter how you tell this story, you will be blamed at the end of it all. The essence of hotels is for situations like yours. Nobody would condemn you for being single or having the urge to have sex but, everybody would blame you for the situation in your home. What kind of story will you be telling the world that you and your daughters all slept with the same man? And that you and one of your daughters are pregnant for the same man? At 50 plus, you should have been more circumvent in your actions and conduct. Your love life should have been veiled in top secret. One gets to an age when discretion becomes the operative word especially in a situation like yours. What men can get away with, women cannot. A single man can bring in female friends into his house without fear of repercussion or molestation of his children but not so with a single matured woman with children. She has to be careful at all times to prevent the consequences of her decision rubbing off on her children. Now, you have given your husband every reason to ridicule you and rake up all the nasty things that led to your divorce from him. There is no way those who once gave you their sympathy, will want to identify with this mess you have made of your life as well as those of your children. Frankly, it is rather too late in the day to worry about where this man stays or works. At your age, shouldn’t that have been your first concern; to have vital information about him? What if it the story has been him dying in your house, what would you have done? Who would you have contacted among his friends and family members? How would you have explained to the Police? While your daughters can be excused for being ignorant of the implications of having a complete stranger share your bed, what about you? The recent incident also calls to question the kind of examples and training you gave to your daughters. The fact that your elder daughter isn’t showing remorse at what she had done; underscores a certain concern about the health of your relationship with your daughters. The fact that they both knew the other was sleeping with the same the same man means something is very wrong in your home. You must have taken certain steps in the past that did go down well with your children. If they both didn’t know that they were sleeping with the same man, it would have been a different story but knowing that they are sleeping with the same man their mother is involved with, points to a deeper problem for you. While it isn’t in my place to tell you what to do with your pregnancies; as a mother, you must find your runaway daughter in addition to sitting your children down for a frank discussion. Chances are your elder daughter knows where her younger sister is. They must have colluded to hurt you for something you did to them. Therefore, the woman in you must be dead to jealousy and anger. To give in to these emotions is to destroy whatever is left of your family. Ask them what you have done to make them angry with you. This isn’t time for you to patronize them either. It is that time to mend fences. The hurt and determination to cause you embarrassment maybe the reason your daughter is insisting on keeping the pregnancy; the explanation for sleeping with your man friend. Their hurt is making your daughter blind to repercussions of the road she is so determined to take. Use whatever respect you have left as their mother to help bring her back. Forget your sense of betrayal and help your young and confused daughters come back to the right track. There is nothing a willing heart of forgiveness cannot achieve. Once you are able to clear the cloud of pains in your hearts, chances are you will all be able to iron this thing out positively. As for the man, he simply took the opportunity you unwittingly offered him. If you didn’t open your door to him, he wouldn’t have been able to inflict these pains on you and your home. Even if you find him, what do you want him to do? Accept your pregnancy and your daughter’s? Is the shame of being pregnant for the same man with your daughter not enough? The less people know, the better, else the story of the kind of shame you have brought to yourself and daughters will get to your ex and his family. Certain things are best left unsaid. Allow him to go while you mob up the mess you have brought on yourself with the dignity of a woman who knows she has made a mistake and is out to make things right. If you don’t mind, see me in our corporate office, Independent Newspapers, 7D Wempco Road, Ogba Lagos. We have one or two things to discuss as women and mothers. Good luck.

Married man with seven children wants to marry me

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this man who wants to marry me. He is married with seven children. I am confused as to whether to marry him or not. He is the one responsible for my education and is paying my house rent. Precious. Dear Precious, Every marriage has its purpose. As a young lady, what would be your reason for wanting to marry a man who has a wife with seven children? Are you marrying him for love or because he is a means to an end? Could it also be that you have given up on yourself and life; thinking that without him you will never be able to get another man? Have you considered the fact that a covenant of life everlasting exists between this man and his wife? That marriage is an agreement between a man and woman; that a third party has no place in it? What would be your gain if you decide to marry this man with his large family? What gender of a child do you want to give birth to that his wife hasn’t given him already? This is why you should think twice before taking a step you will forever regret in life. As a young lady, don’t you have positive plans for your future? Beyond this man paying your school fees and providing you with a roof over your head, what kind of life are you expecting from him? Isn’t marriage supposed to be a source of joy and companionship to the partners? Marriage is a wonderful, sacred and precious gift from God, which must be protected at all costs. The real issue here is that you lack knowledge of your essence in life. Without you having a clear vision of who you are, what you seek to achieve in life, you will never be able to identify who is good for you. It is the lack of this clear cut vision that has forced you into this situation where you allow a married man with seven children pick up the responsibility of sending you to school and housing you. Even if you don’t want to do it, the very fact that he has assumed the duties of educating you has given him the right to demand for such privileges from you. The thing is not whether he is right or not to demand it of you but, of you knowing what you want at the end of the day. No matter your challenge in life, you took the wrong steps by allowing a married man pay your school fees. Honestly, if he insists you marry him, you are to blame. You cannot dine with the devil without being friends with him. When you agreed to accept money from him, you should have known this day would come when he would want to reap where he has invested. It is just that you won’t be the only one to suffer from this greed of yours. His innocent wife and children will be at the receiving end too. This is why you must resist the urge to make a more foolish decision of marrying him. To make things clearer for you at this confusing stage of your life, pause to think, what do you want from life? What kind of man do you think will help you bring your dreams to reality? Do you think without this man in your life, you won’t be able to make it in life? Yes, you may feel under obligation to marry him given the fact that he is paying your fees but given the fact that he is the husband of another woman and he has seven children, do you think it is wise? Have you stopped to wonder at the kind of husband and father he is? Why would he want to marry another woman after the woman in his house has given him seven children? Even if he is so buoyant, there is a want in his family the money he is spending on you can take care of. If he were your father, how would you feel if he brings in another woman to compete with your mother? Better still, in the woman’s shoes how would you feel if after giving a man seven children, he finds a replacement for you no matter what your shortcomings are? Since you will definitely want to have your own children after marriage, do you think he has the ability to care for all of you adequately? Do you think his wife and children will sit by and watch you take over their space, father and his resources? And do you think he will continue to care for you after your relationship becomes official? Do you realise that the same reason he is giving for wanting you for a second wife can be raked up by him in later years to justify his reasons for bringing in another woman as third wife? Once a man has the tendency to add another woman to his first wife, he is just as capable of adding several women to the list. Marriage is a journey of several turns, tumbles and crashes. There is no perfect person or couple. There is nothing that is wrong in his present marriage he cannot fix if he is determined. Going into a relationship and asking you to marry him is only an excuse to escape reality. Besides, after having that many children, do you think yours will make any difference to the number he already has? The responsible and sensible thing is for you to call a halt to this relationship. Not just ending it but stopping him from being responsible for everything concerning you. You are a woman; how would you feel if your husband suddenly comes home one day to announce he is marrying a younger and educated woman? For him to be paying your school fees, it means the other woman isn’t educated and now that things are looking up for him, he wants a younger and educated woman. Deep down how will you feel if you are this woman who is about to be discarded like a used tissue for a younger woman? Whatever condition she is in now that has made her very unattractive to him, he helped put her in that condition. There is no way a woman who has been to the labour room seven times would look young and supple. The stress of seven pregnancies and attendant trauma of childbirth must have taken its tolls on her body. Whatever his grouse against her maybe, life for a woman with seven children can’t be a tea party. She needs the help of her husband to make a success of all her roles in life. Rather than source for you, responsibility demands that he stay with the situation he has helped to create in the woman’s life and not find solace in the arms of another woman. For your own sake, have the guts to end it all. Beg him to forgive you and to let you go. Be clear that you don’t want to destroy another woman’s home. Apologise to him for accepting money from him all the years you did. Ask mutual friends to appeal to him on your behalf. And importantly, go to God for help. It is better you offend him than his wife and the children you are already offending by being in his life. Time and resources he should have spent on them, go to you. If he doesn’t allow you go after appealing to him, refuse to pick his calls or entertain him to pass across your message of being serious with your decision. There will always be a friend who wants to share your accommodation or move in with someone looking for a roommate. It will cut down your expenses by half. Begin to make plans for yourself and unwittingly your future. Hard work doesn’t kill. Get yourself a job or go into buying and selling to pay your way through the remaining years you have left in school. There can never be happy endings in life without doses of discomfort and bitter pills. What will be your story if you don’t struggle to attain a certain goal in life? Good luck

Does he want me or my money?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a 23-year-old lady in a relationship with this very handsome man. He is a graduate and lucky to have got a job after his compulsory national youth service. I, on the other hand hasn’t been able to further my education as a result of my poor background. But there is something bothering me about him: whenever we are in bed, he turns his back to me instead of him to hold and cuddle me. Whenever I try to hold him, he pushes my hands off him. I want to know if he loves me. Secondly he is demanding N20,000.00 from me. I am confused. Nsi. Dear Nsi, Isn’t the answer to your question obvious? This man wants what he can get from you. Having defrauded you sexually, he is also desirous of fleecing you financially. The question is not what his intentions are but your own perception of what he really wants from you. Unfortunately, you are too blind by your emotions to see beyond the desires of your heart to preserve a relationship you don’t even have. Isn’t it obvious from his attitude towards you that you are nothing more than a willing bedmate he comes to when he has the desires for a female body? As far as he is concerned, you are just another face, someone to appease his sexual hunger; you could just have been another girl for all he cares. Men like him don’t consider the love of a woman as being important. If you are not there, he won’t miss anything because there will always be an agreeable girl for his likes. If you have N20,000.00, shouldn’t you be thinking of going back to school? Only very few young men are ready to take chances with a young uneducated lady. Even if they are prepared, will their families in this present age allow their sons to marry a lady whose best qualification is a secondary school leaving certificate? Unless you are serious with your life, has plans for yourself, you will never be able to rise about a certain level. Men you desire like your current bedmate will always treat you like dirt because you have nothing beyond your body to offer them. He is making a fool of you because he knows you are desperate to have him in your life. Whether you give him the money or not, he will still leave you once he is fed up of your body. That money can get you started in life if you are determined to earn your way into the hearts of men generally. Use your experience in the hands of this man as your motivation to success in life. With that money, get a form and enrol in a class that will prepare you for the Joint Admission Matriculation Board examinations. Learning has no age limit. Once you are able to gain admission into a university or polytechnic, you will be able to fund your way through school if you are the hardworking and innovative type. As long as you are contented, not interested in keeping a class you cannot afford, you will sail through with minimal stress. Problems come when young girls want to show class they don’t have. Provided you are determined, the sky becomes your stepping stone. Men like your current date will begin to rethink their old perception of you. They will begin to see beyond your body and look deeper into your mind to the future they can have with you. Irrespective of what men say, they want a woman who has a measure of independence, one they can show off to their friends and who can take charge when they are not around. You may be hard-working, but for a man who is a graduate, you may not have the kind of exposure he desires in his woman. Whatever it will cost you, end this relationship. It is pointless because this man doesn’t have any kind of respect for you. He doesn’t love you at all. Go before he destroys you for another man; extinguishes your self-confidence. It will be so unfortunate if this man through his treatment of you takes away your dream in your own abilities as a promising young lady. Leaving him will give you the chance for self -development and fulfillment as a young woman. Although you will feel some emotional discomfort for the time being, but overtime, you will be glad you did. The way others value us depends on how we value ourselves. If you don’t take steps to accord yourself some respect, no man will ever take you seriously. Good luck

Help! Accident has left him without erection

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My marriage was perfect until November, two years ago, when my husband of five years had an accident that has made it impossible for him to be a husband to me. That he survived is a miracle. It was a battle but he eventually pulled through but a muscle in his reproductive organ was discovered destroyed. He has been to United Kingdom and United States of America but to no avail. The doctors are hopeful that someday, the muscle could repair itself but before then, he remains impotent. He isn’t paralysed because he has the use of his legs but he simply is unable to achieve erection as a man. The doctors in America have given him a 50-50 chance of full recovery but this is neither here nor there. The sad thing for now is that I have a husband who cannot sleep with me. It has been two years now without sex. Already I am feeling the pressure of it all and, it is making me frustrated with my marriage. I am a very young woman; 32 years of age; there is no way I can continue with this kind of situation. My eldest child will be five in October while my youngest one will be three in March. A friend I shared my frustrations with, introduced me to the use of a sex toy but it doesn’t give me the satisfaction of the natural thing. Recently, I have been the object of affection of a man who lives three streets away from ours. I ran into him by accident at a supermarket in the neighbourhood. My second child was demanding for something I wasn’t in the mood to buy for her but he stepped in and got it for her. In the process of thanking him, we exchanged a lot of information. That is how we became close. Some mornings when I don’t feel like taking my car, I hitch a ride in his car. I really like him and want him in every way a woman wants a man. I have allowed him get close to me but not that close. Agatha, you are like the mother I don’t have. I have consistently read your column since I got introduced to it shortly before I got married. As a matter of fact, I was at the programme, “Just Before Valentine,” you organised at the Airport Hotel a few years ago. This burden is too much for me. My husband is a saint; there can never be anyone like him for me. But I need to do this to be able to protect my home. I don’t want to hurt my husband so I have been avoiding discussing the matter with him since the incident. I don’t want to give him the impression that sex is all that concerns me. He is doing his best for us, has gone out of his way to be extra nice even though he has always been a very good husband and father to me. While some of my friends think I should leave him and find another man for myself, my best friend says, I shouldn’t but can keep a secret boyfriend very far from home. She says I shouldn’t do anything with this man who lives not far from us because the scandal will eventually break and could lead to the death of my husband. I am so confused. Please help me. Deroju. Dear Deroju, I really empathise with you and your husband. These are clearly not good times for your marriage. But we give God the glory he survived the accident. Where there is life, there is hope. Your situation is more of a faith thing than medical. Sincerely, this is the time for you to get absolutely close to God. This isn’t something you do with other things in your mind. This kind of request demands the essence of you to obtain the right results from God. The issue here is, are you ready to seek the face of God with your husband? If the doctors have given him 50-50 chance of recovery, why not stay with God in prayers? Remember your marriage creed; the vows you took to stay with him through thick and thin; in sickness and in health. As a woman, I understand the sacrifice I am asking you to make, but be rest assured that God isn’t in the business of giving us a burden too heavy for our fragile frames. Deep inside you is a reservoir of strength you don’t know you have, but waiting for you to release. Your friends all mean well but this situation is more than sex. It is the life of your husband. Have you sat to imagine his state of mind, his fear, humiliation, frustration as well as all the negative emotions going through his mind? Do you know the sadness deep in him knowing that he can no longer be the husband you need in that area and the attendant fear of losing you to another man as a result of his disability? Can you imagine what the situation is doing to him? To discover overnight that the thing he once took for granted has been taken away from him? That he cannot be the man he once was? You are free and healthy. Your only problem is his inability to make love to you but have you thought of the multiplicity of his own problems? Sex is the easiest thing to get; the cheapest; unlike what he is going through. Yes, you can follow the advice of your friends to seek sex outside your marriage but at what cost? Will you find that lasting happiness from doing it? Would it give you the kind of peace you have with your husband? How many who see you come and go with these men are you going to explain your situation to? Do you think they will applaud you or condemn you? If you were the one incapacitated, how would you feel if your husband is seen painting the town red with other women? He isn’t denying you sex because he wants to, he cannot make love to you as a result of his health condition. Be careful because tomorrow is pregnant. Since doctors have not written him off, it could be the day you are caught with another man that he will regain the use of his manhood. Doubtless sex is important but if it is the ‘be it all’ in man-woman relationship, there won’t be so many failed marriages in the world. This means there are more important things in marriages that keep it going against all odds. This is what you should find in this thick dark clouds floating through your marriage. Be rest assured that this time will pass; it might have come to help solidify the foundation of your marriage as well as open your eyes to the other qualities that are important in marriage. Give your marriage and man the strength to recover from this tragedy. Sex will come and go but the important things that give character to marriage and bring about peace as well as harmony is what you should infuse into this particular stage of marriage. Furthermore, you have to discuss your fears and situation with your husband. And you both must resume love-making. Maybe consider oral sex with him; it will help bring about some emotional stability in your person. You are tensed because you have refused to revisit the incident and discuss your various options with your husband. He needs you more than ever before with your children whose lives will be affected one way or the other if you decide to seek sexual satisfaction outside your home. Good luck.

Hard to love my wife after robbers raped her

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I join all those you daily bless through your column to pray that God will also answer your prayers even before you call on Him. Last December while on our way to spend the Christmas holiday in the village, our bus was not only waylaid by armed robbers, but the women on board, including my wife, were also raped. Only the very elderly women escaped this torture. Although I knew my wife was two months pregnant, I asked her to abort the child after what I witnessed. I didn’t want the blood of those robbers to mix with that of my unborn child. I will never be able to accept such child as mine. Since then, I haven’t been able to come close to her. The few times I tried to touch her, images of what those men did to her and all the women on board of that bus will immediately come to my mind making it impossible for me to go any further. This has been on for more than eight months now. Our first child clocked three in April. I don’t know if I will ever be able to make love to her again without remembering that horrible incident. She is now asking for a divorce as a result of the way I treat her. She said I am being cruel and that I have gotten another woman to take her place in my bed. I won’t lie there have been various women to take care of my emotional needs. I have tried explaining to her and all our family members who have intervened as a result of what she told them about our marriage to give me more time. I love her so much, actually I met her a virgin. She has always been a good and responsible woman. It is just that I don’t know how to get that thing off my mind. But I don’t want her out of my life or home. Like I said, she is the best wife any man can ever have. From all indices she is ready to quit and move on with her life. I am so confused and don’t know what I really want any more. I am so disappointed. Please help me. Confused Husband. Dear Confused Husband, The first thing to do is to try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes. How would you feel being raped in public while your husband stood watching helplessly? How would you feel being told by the same man to abort an already existing pregnancy on account of the dehumanisation you suffered in the hands of those robbers? Also try to imagine her pains at being denied the comfort she needs to recover such humiliation by the same man who did nothing to protect her honour as a woman? If there is anybody who should be disappointed, it is your wife, not you. While you acted with common sense on the day of the incident, because there are no heroes in the graveyard, but you are now acting with gross insensitivity to your wife. She deserves your compassion, support and understanding to overcome her double shame. Don’t forget some men would have elected to die rather than allow any man put their wives through such horror. If she is not condemning you for being such a coward at her hour of need, why should you revile her for being a victim of her gender? You didn’t stop at denying her your compassion but also asked her to abort the child that could have helped her to recover quickly. You were, and not being fair to this woman. She didn’t ask to be raped. No woman enjoys the forceful attention of a stranger on her person. For a woman who has known no other man, kept herself for her husband, she must be going through so much emotional turmoil. What she needs isn’t what she is getting from you. By denying her your compassion and presence, you are unwittingly taking away everything that meant something to her until that unfortunate incident. Your attitude towards her is worse than what she suffered that day. A woman can face the world if her man is there by her side, helping her to recover as well as putting on her again her garment of honour. Had you done that, this incident would have been fading in your memory by now. Your stubborn refusal to let go is what has kept the memory of that day fresh in your mind. Those men are no longer responsible for what is happening in your home; rather you are the one now at the wheels of the vehicle destroying your home. Your wife needs you not just as her husband but also as an understanding friend, a partner and helper. Even if you are not up to making love to her now, at least be the friend she needs now. She is going through so much and may not even need you to touch her intimately but to provide her with a compassionate heart and willing shoulder on which to lay her troubles. You must understand that violation didn’t happen in secret, it happened before other men. Though she wasn’t alone, but do you even understand the shame of being made to do what is entirely private in public view, made to expose her dignity to other men who watched in cowardly silence? If the truth must be told, it is your pride and manhood that was raped that day, not hers. If she is not hating you or mocking your claims to be a man, it is only because she is very much in love with you and too much of a good woman to give you a piece of her mind. That she is asking for a divorce is because you leave her through your actions with no choice. She has gotten to the limit of her endurance. What manner of mind-set would make you leave a woman for eight months without coming near her or offering her the comfort she needs to recover. Your attitude has left her with nothing worth fighting for in your home. As it stands now, not even the presence of her child can make her stay with a man who so obviously hates her with the passion he once loved her. You are lucky. Some less strong willed women would have since tried to kill themselves or go out of their home to find a man willing to make them feel clean again the same way you are doing in the arms of other women. It will take a while for her to forgive your rejection of her. If you cannot stay off sex, what makes you think she can? Should she decide to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction, would you be able to blame her? If you want your home back as desperately as you sound, woo yourself back in her heart. Time is what you no longer have, so perish the plea for it. Sincerely, if you don’t act now, you might as well kiss her and your marriage goodbye. Eight months is a long time to leave a married woman who stays in the same house with her husband in the cold. If you are not careful the next time you will look her way she will be in the arms of another man, this time not unwilling, but with her consent. Therefore, the first thing to do is ask yourself the reason for your attitude. Deep down, who are you really angry with – yourself or those men? The fact that you watched helplessly as these men desecrated your wife and your marital vows. Did you feel jealous? Did she make a move or sound that you think suggested she liked it better with them? Frankly, these are issues you have to sit down to deal with on your own before going to her to make peace. Granted the sight of another man raping one’s wife can be very hurtful, but something is making it impossible for you to forget it. There is no moving for either of you, if you are not honest with what is really niggling you. By admitting it to yourself, you set your marriage free to move on. Without you first being at peace with yourself, it would be almost impossible to give peace to your wife and marriage. Once you are clear, go to your wife to talk. First apologise for your attitude. It will make her receptive for discussions with you. By the time you finish explaining to her, her heart would have thawed sufficiently for you to make whatever move you deem necessary in the pursuit of recovering your home. Usually, the gathering ominous clouds will clear once you make this first move, but it behoves you to go the extra mile to rid your marriage of every remnants of this unfortunate incident. You both need the presence of God to heal properly. Ask for His presence in your home, lives and marriage. With Him, nothing shall be termed impossible. Good luck.

Despite being married, he wants to marry me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want to thank you for your wonderful advice to couples and intending couples like myself. I have a problem, which has been disturbing me and I need your advice on it, it is a year since I met and started dating my boyfriend. He is all I need in a man; he loves me so much and treats me like a queen. He has proposed to me and I have accepted but Agatha, my problem is, he has two boys from a woman. The first time I prayed about his proposal, I saw him in my dream playing with children. When I narrated the dream to him, he confirmed he having children with a woman he once lived with. He explained that they were never married because he never paid her bride price, but that he wedded her in court. I asked about the woman and the children, he told me that he doesn’t know their where-about but that he sends money for the boys’ upkeep. He said the woman left with the children and said she has moved on with her life. According to him, he doesn’t want to remember anything about the woman or talk about her because of the pains he suffered at the hands of the woman. He said the woman represents everything bad in his life. When I asked him how come they have two children between them if everything he is saying about the woman is true; he said he it doesn’t take much to get a woman pregnant. He warned me against mentioning the name of the woman if I don’t want us to fight. I have tried asking him so many times what caused the problem between them and why he didn’t pay her bride price. He is not saying anything. But my problem now is how can a woman leave such a man that is so caring and loving? I have meet with his family members and even asked the ones I am close to about their brother’s ex-wife, they keep telling me to forget about the woman that, she showed their brother pepper that no member of the family wants to talk or have anything to do with the woman. I asked about the children they told me that the children will look for their father once they are old enough. Agatha, I have introduced this guy to my pastor who has given his go ahead. Knowing the spiritual gift of my pastor, if this man wasn’t meant for me, he would have said so the day we visited his office. My family members to have accepted him even my elder sister who is in the habit of kicking against all the men that have come to ask for my hand in marriage, accepted him with all her mind. My problem now is that he said he has to go to the court to divorce the woman as he wedded her in the court. I am having this feeling in me that, I am getting married to a divorcee who has two boys already. Agatha please advice me on what to do. I am confused.  Eucharia. Dear Eucharia, It is not a feeling you have; it is a statement of fact that you are marrying a man who already has a wife. Whether he agrees to this reality or not, the truth remains, he has a wife somewhere. The laws of the land places more premium on court marriages than any other form of marriage. The marriage act, gives universal recognition to court marriages alone which means he would be committing a crime under any marriage act if he attempts to wed another woman under the marriage act. If you marry him, he cannot wed you in the court unless he vacates his earlier marriage contacted under the act. For now, you can only get married under the customary laws of the land, not in church or registry. But, as long as he remains legally bonded to the other woman, whether he hasn’t paid the bride price or not, in the eyes of the church and laws of the land, your marriage remains null and void. Therefore, whether he likes it or not, he has to revisit his marriage to the other woman if he wants to move on with his life. However, this matter is beyond you since you weren’t there when all the issues happened. Explain your apprehensions to his family members on the need for him to take legal steps to vacate his legal ties to the mother of his children. He may not understand it the way you do but if someone else explains all the legal implications to him, he will listen. As it stands, the woman still has a right to his name and home as long as the contract between them remains intact. Besides, she has children, two boys for him. She cannot just be wished away from his life like that. A lot of things may have gone wrong with their union but he has to learn to do things properly to forestall problems for you and the children you will have for him in later years. This is the angle you must make him appreciate if he really cares about you. Let him realize the future implications of his stubborn refusal to discuss his life with the other woman. It is your right to know, at least if for the simple reason of avoiding the mistakes she made. Definitely the children will come look for their father someday but, is it the responsible thing to do? Wait until they come to look for the man who fathered them? Isn’t it the right of the children to enjoy their father’s presence and attention? Should these children be punished for the problems between their parents? The intricacies of marriage make it impossible for only one person to destroy. Although the faults may be more on her side but, your man cannot to be completely free of any blame. I say this not to discourage but to help you appreciate the complexity of the institution you are about to enter. Without both of you making concrete efforts to work properly on the foundation, some of the issues he is unwilling to discuss will come back to hunt your marriage. Besides, he is lying about not knowing where the woman and the children are. If he claims to send the money regularly, he must have an address he sends the money to. He must have a phone number with which requests are forwarded to by either the woman or the children. It is your right to know so as to avoid breach of trust between the two of you as well as the consequences of harmful gossips. The fact that he also didn’t tell you from the beginning about this woman and her children should make you pause a little bit to think. One thing is for him to be caring and loving, another thing is for him to completely open his heart to you. You must find a way to make him appreciate that the first step to being happy in a marriage is to be forthcoming with information to one’s partner. Don’t allow your haste and heart blind you to obvious flaws in his character. To pretend you are okay with them is to postpone challenges in your association. This is the man you intend spending your life with; don’t begin your journey with fear or allow him to intimidate you to accepting only his ways. By the time you are ready in later years to reject the state of affairs in your marriage, the situation would have grown beyond you and change would become impossible. Since you have become in this past by virtue of your relationship with him, he cannot afford to be too rigid on this matter. He should file for a divorce from this other woman. He should also take steps to locate the woman and her children; especially his sons to iron out the issue of their welfare and education. They are his first seeds; he must be concerned about their education. He may not know it now, but these boys are his future pride. They may not be yours biologically, but they are part of him hence you must chart a proper way for him and his children to be happy together. It is part of your job as his wife. If these boys are not properly cared for today, it would affect your children too. Only a sane man abandons his children simply because he has issues with their mother. The go ahead signals from your pastor and family members will only work, if you are wise and ready to be a rally point in the family. Good luck.

My brother and I are dating the same girl

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want you to advice me on this issue. There is this lady I am in love with but whom l later realized has been in a relationship with my brother before we met. Though my brother lives in another state but comes home once a month. I don’t want to separate them but she is the first lady I ever loved. What should I do? Confused Brother. Dear Confused Brother, She isn’t worth you and your brother fighting over. Let go immediately. If she has any self respect, without you saying anything, she will leave both of you alone. What would have been your story if she had become pregnant for you? Do you think it will ever be possible for you and your brother to relate as siblings? Your brother will always feel betrayed by you. It is an abomination for two brothers to date the same woman. When you didn’t know, it was a different case but now that you know, you will be committing a sin by continuing with her. It is unfortunate that she is the first woman you have ever fallen in love with but she is all wrong for you. Besides, if you ask around, only few ended up with their first love. A lot of people ended up with other persons. Life is dynamic. As long as time exists, the emotional wounds caused by your falling in love with her will heal. But what you feel now will be nothing compared to you losing your brother’s love and trust if he finds out that you are dating the same woman he is dating. No matter the kind of explanations you give, he will not listen to you at least at the initial stage. And even when he dismisses the situation as unimportant, her action would have caused a certain amount of chill in your relationship with your brother especially if he knows that you continued in the relationship despite knowing of his involvement with her. There is always a first time for everything in life. The important thing is to know the innate lesson in whatever situation we find ourselves. Rather than worry about losing this lady to your brother who by right is her main boyfriend, your concern should be on avoiding the kind of mistakes you made with her. In addition, this lady has always belonged to your brother not you. She used you as a spare; in case her main boyfriend disappoints her or isn’t around to keep her company. By now, if you are analytical, you should know what to avoid in any new relationship. Learn to look beyond whatever a woman is telling you to certain crucial details about her. She succeeded in dating you and your brother concurrently because you neglected to observe certain things about her. This episode underscores a flaw in your relationship with your brother. If both of you were opened with each other, you would have known at least known the name of the woman in your brother’s life. In all, consider this relationship as one of the mistakes one makes in life in the cause of sourcing for the real thing. When the time the right girl comes along, you will wonder what you ever saw in this other girl in the first place. Good luck.

Should I continue to wait for my prisoner boyfriend at 42?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 42 years of age. The man I am to marry, is in prison. I have gone in search for spiritual and physical help to ensure he comes out of there but, to no avail. The problem now is that I am getting old and at my age, I don’t know for how long I am going to wait. He has been in prison for five years. Men of God I consulted on the issue have divided opinion on his release. While some say he will soon be released, others say he is going to be in there for another five years. I don’t know which of these prophesies I should believe. To make matters worse, I don’t know anybody in his family. What do I do because I am not getting younger. I have spent all my life’s saving on him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am afraid. Please help me. Distraught Woman. Dear Distraught Woman, At 42, you are no longer a child. Most women your age have stopped having children. As a matter of fact some women at your age have started experiencing menopause. You aren’t even married not to talk of having children. And the man you plan to marry is in prison; and you are not sure when he is coming out of there. To cap it all, you don’t even know any member of his family so what are you still waiting for? It would have been a different kettle of fish if you were both legally married but from what you have said, there is nothing on ground, just a promise that you will both get married some day. Although the bit about you not knowing when he is likely to come out of prison is doubtful considering every sentence has a prison year attached to it, the truth is, even if he gets out of that place today, he isn’t under any obligation to marry you. As a friend and lover, you have done your best to be a friend in need but reality beckons on to put your happiness first. As a woman, your productive years are limited and at your age, your biological shelf life is almost expiring. This means you must make a move if you hope to have a child of your own. This is that time most of us get into in life when we must make a very difficult choice. Granted you love this man but are you willing to give up your whole life waiting for him to get out of prison? What if he never makes it out alive? What would be your consolation and story? Sincerely, this is that time the inherent selfish nature in us must come to play in your life. You cannot love this man more than yourself. If he truly cares about you, he wouldn’t want you to waste the rest of your life waiting for him considering that you are a woman advanced in years. You have to either let go of him or your chance of being a mother. This is not time for sentiments. If at your age you don’t look out for yourself, nobody would. Even now, your options are very limited. Only very few men would want to begin their lives with a woman your age; meaning you have even very slim chances of meeting the right man. Even though you have your reasons for staying on which in the beginning must appear very good and reasonable, if you leave him now, it won’t be that you ran away at the sight of trouble but rather it will be the most reasonable thing to do. That you are married to another man doesn’t mean you would stop being his friend. From time to time, you could still make out time to visit him in prison; at least to encourage him. Love isn’t stupid and is a two way thing. Love without wisdom is absolute stupidity. Yes, it is unconditional but every love story begins with falling in love with oneself. If you don’t know how to treat yourself right, you will never be able to define how others should treat you. The question is, in your shoes will this man do the same thing for you? Would he willingly give up his own usefulness for you? This is the junction of truth. Are you really waiting for him or using the excuse of not having offers from other men to claim you are waiting for him? If you are merely using the excuse of lack of suitors to wait for him, then there is a spiritual angle to your issue. This you must face and stop deceiving yourself by giving the impression that you are waiting for this man when in fact you have a bigger problem to tackle in your own life. When you make up your mind to be sincere with yourself, go in search for the real problem militating against your emotional happiness as a woman and stop playing hide and seek with yourself. Without you being honest with yourself as to the exact problem facing you, you will end up being so disappointed with life. And I tell you it will have nothing to do with this man but your own refusal to face your life squarely. There is nothing God cannot do once you are prepared to be truthful. Chances are you haven’t found a clue to all that is happening in your life because you prefer to lie to everybody and yourself. Go to God in prayers. Once you are ready, He will point you at the right direction to go. Good luck.

My fiancée is stubborn

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for the positive changes you are making in the lives of people. I am 35 years and my fiancée is 23. We have dated for almost three years. I’m thinking of fixing our traditional marriage ceremony for December. I reside in Lagos while she stays in a neighbouring state. She is a little bit stubborn. If she makes up her mind to do something, she will not change no matter what anybody feels about her decision. She has this attitude that at worst, she will come back to apologise at the end of the day. It has been her way of life and it is giving me concern. The latest incident that really got me angry has to do with a text message she sent me to inform me of a bachelor’s eve she and her friends plan to attend in another town. Despite registering my uneasiness at her decision to attend the eve and telling her not to go, she still attended. Following this, I called off the relationship and told her to forget everything about me. She has since been asking I forgive her. I’m confused. For how long will I continue to live like that? She will always insist on doing things her way after which she will come back to beg for forgiveness. I regard this attitude as stubbornness and there is no way I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who has that kind of attitude. I need your candid advice. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, This isn’t a challenge you handle with anger because annoyance has a way of destroying so many things in life. First you must acknowledge that we are all equally allocated a habit that will always irritate others, especially our loved ones. If you care to look inwards at yourself, you will also discover a side of you that don’t jell with others particularly those very close to you. The beauty about life is our ability to accommodate our weaknesses and focus on our strengths. She maybe stubborn but what about her other qualities, that have kept this relationship going for three years? This is the time for you to focus on those special attributes you may find very difficult to replace in another woman. Just as we all have our bad sides, we are also blessed with very positive unique qualities; the kind that will never be available in another person. This is what makes us special. Compare her most unique quality with her stubbornness; place these two attributes on a scale; deep in your mind which one affects you the most? How much happiness and pride has the good side of her given you as a man? How often do you derive pleasure from her integrity and love as a woman? Is her stubbornness an everyday thing, the kind you wake up to every morning? There is no ideal relationship anywhere but a perfect determination to make it work. This means, there are no guarantees that the next woman you are going to meet will be perfect for you. Then the question is, how many women are you going to date before making up your mind on one? At 35, you are 13 years older than her 23; this means you have more experience than she has. At her age, she is just emerging from that age of excitement and fun. Don’t forget she is still in school; the age of parties and numerous friends. If you slow down a bit, you will recall your own yearnings, dreams at her age. True, some people mature faster than others, but certain things never really change. We are servants to each season of life. There is no way a child of three will ever act like that of 10. Just like a child of 11 can never act like that of 21. Every season has an identification tag. The memories of her restrictive teenage years are not too far from her mind. She wants to have a feel of life before she settles down with you. Understandably at 35, your years are counting, hers at 23, is just beginning. If you push her too hard, you may lose her because what you consider her stubbornness may just be a desire on her side to enjoy some level of freedom, an intoxicating substance that requires patience to defeat. As the more experienced one, you must also understand the danger of using too much force to pass across your message or position. Her attitude too could be a way of registering her displeasure at the way you treat or talk to her. Not everybody likes to be ordered around. Perhaps you should verify the way and manner you address her generally. For instance, why didn’t you want her to attend this party? Is it out of concern for her safety or simply because you don’t want her to attend? Even babies become more stubborn when parents daily apply the use of force in putting them under check. Appreciate that she is first and foremost a human being, her own person before being part of your life. You cannot want to structure her to fit your own ways overnight without expecting to meet certain resistance from her end. In school, she is among friends, those that keep her company for now. There is no way she would have been able to tell these friends that you asked her not to attend the party they had long planned for. In her shoes, what would you have done? Peer pressure is a factor which you have to contend with at least until you marry her. Living with friends and in school would make the kind of order you gave her difficult to adhere to. If she gives in to everything you want her to do, she will lose her personality to you and that will make everything very boring for you as the years roll by. Unless of course you want the kind of woman who won’t be able to challenge your orders, meekly submit to your every desire, a marriage needs the contradictions of our individualities to remain relevant. This is the woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Ordering her around will not augur well for your relationship. Respect begets respect. However, there is the need for her to recognise that she needs to respect you especially in the presence of her friends. There is the need for you to invite her over to your base for a heart to heart discussion on the way forward. In dialoguing with her, do the mature thing of hearing her out; listen to her grievances against you. Don’t try to stop her from saying what she has in mind. Give her, through your patience, every hope that your relationship is based on equal partnership and that you intend to be a leader and not a boss. Seeing the efforts you are making will give her that assurance to completely go with you. It will resolve some of the nagging issues that is making her misbehave. Every woman wants the assurance that she is special to her man. What force cannot achieve, love and understanding can. Bring out the woman in her by being her friend, champion, supporter and worthy leader. These are attributes you can use to change and structure her into your kind of woman. When a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she won’t do for him. So get her to fall in love with you first before attempting to change her. For now, give yourselves the chance to be happy together by accepting her apologies. But it is important she realises that patience, though elastic, can snap when pulled beyond its limit of flexibility. That while you will continue to support her to succeed and be happy, it also behooves her to accord you certain level of respect. That by being stubborn is evident of her lack of respect for you. Once you are able to manage this aspect of her personality, you may come to find out that she is the best thing to happen to you. But you won’t know if you don’t go this mile to confront the situation instead of pointing her at the door of exit in your life. Good luck

Should my mother be matchmaker?

with Agatha Edo, 08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column and I want to thank you for the wonderful way you have helped people solve their problems. I am a girl of 23 years of age, I met a guy of 32 years who is asking for my hand in marriage, but my mother has refused, saying his job is not secure because he works in a private firm. She wants me to marry a civil or public servant. But she has gone ahead to marry a wife for my brother who is still jobless. My mother likes to be the one making all the decisions for everybody in the family. I am not sure I want her to take this particular decision for me. I just finished my compulsory national youth service programme. I am still searching for a job. I have not told my boyfriend my mother’s stance on his marriage proposal. Please help me because I am beginning to hate my mother. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, At 23, you are past the age of consent. You are in a position to determine what you want from life. The decision of who to marry is very important and personal; you have to be allowed to make your mistakes so that you will have the ability to cope with whatever kinds of challenges come from your personal decision. Sadly your mother’s reasons aren’t right. If she had mentioned something about this man’s character, objected to you marrying him based on certain disagreeable flaws, it would have been understandable but asking you not to marry him because of where he works is untenable. Even though your mother’s concern comes from her desire to secure your future since the civil service still offers the best kind of job security in the land, the final decision is yours to make because you are the one who is going to live with the man you eventually marry. This is why you shouldn’t bother informing your boyfriend about your mother’s position. It will only create unnecessary tension in your relationship. Instead, focus on what you want out of life. Your dream is what will help you arrive at the viable junction of your life. You must know who you are to be able to identify who is good for you in life. Therefore, don’t make a hasty decision simply because your mother wants you to go another way. She is wrong, but so would you be if you don’t take time to identify your kind of person. For instance, what kinds of things appeal to you as a person and woman? What kind of man do you think will make you happy? How well do you know and appreciate yourself? Are you temperamental, quiet, loyal, friendly and prayerful? Are strong willed or the kind of woman who likes the man to take the lead in her life? Do you have a complex or a lady who is proud of the skin and shape she is in, no matter what happens to her? Are you easily influenced by the opinion of others concerning you or the kind that makes her own rules? I asked this cocktail of questions to help you take a closer look at yourself. If you don’t know who you are, how can you recognise the man that will make you happy? What you don’t have, you cannot give. If you are the kind of lady who is forever floating with the wind, never putting in the extra efforts to define your own space, chances are you will end up with the wrong man for all the wrong reasons. To avoid your mother and siblings sneering at you in the event of a major disagreement between you and your own choice of a husband, it is crucial you take time out to answer these questions with all the honesty within you. Doing so, will help you recognise the inherent qualities you need to make the difference in life. It will help you marry the right person for you. When you are with your right partner, such things your mother is worrying about won’t matter. This is because you will always have the will to soldier on whatever the condition you and your partner find yourselves. Most of the challenges and problems that many couples face come from the foundation they lay at the onset of their relationship. One thing is for this man to offer you a proposal of marriage; another thing is for you to be certain that he is right for you. Once you are positive he is the kind of man for you, go ahead with your own plans while you keep praying to God to intervene on your behalf. If the man is good, responsible and is respectful, your mother will eventually come to appreciate him. Don’t hate your mother. She is only doing what she feels is right to protect her children. When you are on the other side of life, you will understand why she is bothered about the job security of the man. Mothers can be pains at times but be assured she loves you and means well for you. We are all victims of our individual experiences. She definitely has her reasons for actions. It is a matter of you having the patience to ask and the wisdom to understand. Good luck.

My hubby says I am caging him

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I shy away from discussing my marital problems with friends because one can never tell what their motives really are. I have been married for over 20 years with three wonderful children who are all in school now. We have had our problems one of which is womanising by my husband but so far, we have managed to get through it without breaking the marriage. Of course, like every woman, I have been harping on the need for him to remain faithful to our vows and stressing how his actions hurt me. He has repeatedly made promises to desist from his act but he is always going back on his promises. It has become a cycle in our marriage. The latest issue is that he is feeling caged. We work in the same place and drive to the office together. Initially, we used to travel together most weekends but after a while, I felt it did not allow me to effectively take care of the house and so I now join him on alternate weekends. He also travels a bit in his job and once every two months to visit the children. I felt the times away would afford him the opportunity to fulfill every of his erotic desires with other women. In the many years we have been married, my life has revolved around him and the children and when they left for school, both of us did things together. I am sad that he now thinks I am caging him; feels I should give him space. Sincerely, I am quite willing to do that if that is what he wants. I am planning to tell him that he can travel alone weekends and maybe drive to work on his own if that will make him have his space. I do not know what else I can do short of leaving the house for him. Another problem is that I am not sure how I can occupy myself during those times he would be away as I do not want to get into anything that will embarrass my children at my age. Please advice me on what else I can do to give him space and also on the type of things a middle aged woman can do to keep her occupied. Chinyere. Dear Chinyere, What your husband is going through is midlife crisis. He wants to relive that heyday when he was still young and attractive. He isn’t alone. At the prime of life, many men and women want to hold on to every remnant of those youthful days. I know how much it hurts to share your man with different women but this is the time he needs you the most; the time women must learn to be extra patient and tolerant of the men in their lives. Not many people are prepared for old age. Yes, we all pray to be old but when it suddenly dawns on most people that the future has caught up with them, they panic. Whether you like it or not, this is the time you need him the most so don’t just give him up. He says he is feeling caged because he cannot do some of the things he did back then. What he is contending with is more than you. It is more of a psychological problem, which you must help him overcome. Because the struggle is from within, he understandably feels caged; in his mind you are really cramping his style. Just like those old days of his teenage years, he wants to burst loose of restrictions, responsibilities, children and all those things that have made his life so boring since he got married and became a father. Even women, at menopause go through different phases of rejection, disappointment and nostalgia. It is different with your husband who wants to be a boy all over again. He wants to go and come back as he likes. Don’t forget the children are no longer at home; it is just the two of you, so he thinks he has no need to keep up appearances. Rather than feel bad, at his attitude or his words; look at the essence of your marriage. How would you grade your marriage? On the average of one to ten, where would you place your marriage? This is essential to the issue at hand. If your husband hasn’t been getting enough from you, in terms of emotional satisfaction and happiness all these years you have been together, it would take a lot of sacrifices as well as change in attitude from your end to pull this marriage through. You have to find a way to break him; make him listen to you and get him back from wherever he wants to escape to. This is where your knowledge of him comes to play. What does he like the most since you have been married to him? What also has been his most frequent complains about you? This is the time to pull the two out of the cupboard of time. Make him see you again as the woman he married by reminding him through your attitude, dress sense, cooking and housekeeping of those early years. Let him see that you can be attractive despite the years. Middle age isn’t garbage, rather it is a blessing. There are beautiful and flattering clothes you can wear to make the only rose in his garden once again. With all the children away, you both have to rediscover yourselves; the reason you agreed to marry and spend the rest of your lives together. Actually, the middle age is the reason we get married; not the earlier stage of it when children play the important part of keeping their parents together. The middle age is when couples must find their original reasons for marrying. He wants space because he thinks there is nothing for him anymore. By dedicating yourself to your vows again, you will be prodding his memory to recall that this whole thing started with his decision to propose to you. Compliment his looks, buy him presents; help him select clothes like jeans and very attractive casuals that slice through the years. And when he comes home, don’t nag or bother him about where he has been. What goes up will definitely come down. This is the age of wisdom and absolute trust in God because you have seen the good and bad sides of life. Nothing he does now should make you lose sleep. To get yourself busy, develop those fleeting thoughts you never had the chance to really pursue as a result of childbearing and nurturing. We all have hidden talents we never had time to develop because of other things. Yours could be writing, sewing, buying and selling, cooking, beading, knitting, beading or working with children or the aged. Deep inside you is a God-given gift to take us through the lonely journey of middle age. It is a gift that brightens the lonesomeness of the middle age. Take out time to discover your real self. You have so much still left of you outside being a mother and wife. Talk to God about it. As a matter of fact, you need to find it for your own well-being because loneliness through depression can shorten one’s years. Once you find it, it will help dispel a great deal of some of the depression you currently feel about your husband’s attitude. You won’t even have the time to feel bad about his request for space. Good luck.

Hard to love my wife after robbers raped her

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I join all those you daily bless through your column to pray that God will also answer your prayers even before you call on Him. Last December while on our way to spend the Christmas holiday in the village, our bus was not only waylaid by armed robbers, but the women on board, including my wife, were also raped. Only the very elderly women escaped this torture. Although I knew my wife was two months pregnant, I asked her to abort the child after what I witnessed. I didn’t want the blood of those robbers to mix with that of my unborn child. I will never be able to accept such child as mine. Since then, I haven’t been able to come close to her. The few times I tried to touch her, images of what those men did to her and all the women on board of that bus will immediately come to my mind making it impossible for me to go any further. This has been on for more than eight months now. Our first child clocked three in April. I don’t know if I will ever be able to make love to her again without remembering that horrible incident. She is now asking for a divorce as a result of the way I treat her. She said I am being cruel and that I have gotten another woman to take her place in my bed. I won’t lie there have been various women to take care of my emotional needs. I have tried explaining to her and all our family members who have intervened as a result of what she told them about our marriage to give me more time. I love her so much, actually I met her a virgin. She has always been a good and responsible woman. It is just that I don’t know how to get that thing off my mind. But I don’t want her out of my life or home. Like I said, she is the best wife any man can ever have. From all indices she is ready to quit and move on with her life. I am so confused and don’t know what I really want any more. I am so disappointed. Please help me. Confused Husband. Dear Confused Husband, The first thing to do is to try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes. How would you feel being raped in public while your husband stood watching helplessly? How would you feel being told by the same man to abort an already existing pregnancy on account of the dehumanisation you suffered in the hands of those robbers? Also try to imagine her pains at being denied the comfort she needs to recover such humiliation by the same man who did nothing to protect her honour as a woman? If there is anybody who should be disappointed, it is your wife, not you. While you acted with common sense on the day of the incident, because there are no heroes in the graveyard, but you are now acting with gross insensitivity to your wife. She deserves your compassion, support and understanding to overcome her double shame. Don’t forget some men would have elected to die rather than allow any man put their wives through such horror. If she is not condemning you for being such a coward at her hour of need, why should you revile her for being a victim of her gender? You didn’t stop at denying her your compassion but also asked her to abort the child that could have helped her to recover quickly. You were, and not being fair to this woman. She didn’t ask to be raped. No woman enjoys the forceful attention of a stranger on her person. For a woman who has known no other man, kept herself for her husband, she must be going through so much emotional turmoil. What she needs isn’t what she is getting from you. By denying her your compassion and presence, you are unwittingly taking away everything that meant something to her until that unfortunate incident. Your attitude towards her is worse than what she suffered that day. A woman can face the world if her man is there by her side, helping her to recover as well as putting on her again her garment of honour. Had you done that, this incident would have been fading in your memory by now. Your stubborn refusal to let go is what has kept the memory of that day fresh in your mind. Those men are no longer responsible for what is happening in your home; rather you are the one now at the wheels of the vehicle destroying your home. Your wife needs you not just as her husband but also as an understanding friend, a partner and helper. Even if you are not up to making love to her now, at least be the friend she needs now. She is going through so much and may not even need you to touch her intimately but to provide her with a compassionate heart and willing shoulder on which to lay her troubles. You must understand that violation didn’t happen in secret, it happened before other men. Though she wasn’t alone, but do you even understand the shame of being made to do what is entirely private in public view, made to expose her dignity to other men who watched in cowardly silence? If the truth must be told, it is your pride and manhood that was raped that day, not hers. If she is not hating you or mocking your claims to be a man, it is only because she is very much in love with you and too much of a good woman to give you a piece of her mind. That she is asking for a divorce is because you leave her through your actions with no choice. She has gotten to the limit of her endurance. What manner of mind-set would make you leave a woman for eight months without coming near her or offering her the comfort she needs to recover. Your attitude has left her with nothing worth fighting for in your home. As it stands now, not even the presence of her child can make her stay with a man who so obviously hates her with the passion he once loved her. You are lucky. Some less strong willed women would have since tried to kill themselves or go out of their home to find a man willing to make them feel clean again the same way you are doing in the arms of other women. It will take a while for her to forgive your rejection of her. If you cannot stay off sex, what makes you think she can? Should she decide to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction, would you be able to blame her? If you want your home back as desperately as you sound, woo yourself back in her heart. Time is what you no longer have, so perish the plea for it. Sincerely, if you don’t act now, you might as well kiss her and your marriage goodbye. Eight months is a long time to leave a married woman who stays in the same house with her husband in the cold. If you are not careful the next time you will look her way she will be in the arms of another man, this time not unwilling, but with her consent. Therefore, the first thing to do is ask yourself the reason for your attitude. Deep down, who are you really angry with – yourself or those men? The fact that you watched helplessly as these men desecrated your wife and your marital vows. Did you feel jealous? Did she make a move or sound that you think suggested she liked it better with them? Frankly, these are issues you have to sit down to deal with on your own before going to her to make peace. Granted the sight of another man raping one’s wife can be very hurtful, but something is making it impossible for you to forget it. There is no moving for either of you, if you are not honest with what is really niggling you. By admitting it to yourself, you set your marriage free to move on. Without you first being at peace with yourself, it would be almost impossible to give peace to your wife and marriage. Once you are clear, go to your wife to talk. First apologise for your attitude. It will make her receptive for discussions with you. By the time you finish explaining to her, her heart would have thawed sufficiently for you to make whatever move you deem necessary in the pursuit of recovering your home. Usually, the gathering ominous clouds will clear once you make this first move, but it behoves you to go the extra mile to rid your marriage of every remnants of this unfortunate incident. You both need the presence of God to heal properly. Ask for His presence in your home, lives and marriage. With Him, nothing shall be termed impossible. Good luck.

My best friend is the father of my only son!

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I salute the special gift of God in your life. I am someone very close to you and have watched your growth since you were a child. I admire your courage in life. My pride stopped me from coming to you personally. Besides, this issue affects my first son, a close friend of yours. This story happened in the 60s. Then as a military officer, I moved around a lot. Not desirous of my moving my young family, my wife and daughter around, I decided to leave them behind in Lagos, when official duties took me to Kano. I left them in the care of my childhood friend. By the time I came back, she said, she was already pregnant. The baby came prematurely. When the time of my leave was over, I still asked my best friend to continue to look after them. While in Kano, I heard through the grapevine that my wife and my friend’s wife fought. The people who told me about this development claimed not to know why they fought. But a few weeks later, I got a letter from my sister asking me to move my family to Kano. She said there were rumours that my wife was dating my best friend. I refused to believe her, but decided it was best I come to Lagos. I took some days off to come and investigate things myself. Though neither my friend nor wife mentioned any disagreement, my friend’s wife said I should take my wife and children along with me to my base. She said she didn’t want to be the reason for any misunderstanding between my friend and I. I assured her of my decision to come back for them within weeks. True to my promise, I did. During the civil war, I lost touch with my friend. Since then attempts to get him have proved abortive. I honestly thought he had died because he left Lagos to fight on the side of Biafra. Although my first son is now married with a family of his own, something happened recently that is causing silent commotion in my life and home. My friend has come back to lay claims to the boy. Seeing him made me remember that thing that keeps nagging me about my son, the uncanny semblance to my old friend. From what my friend is saying, he is his only surviving son just as he is mine too. I lost my second son to an accident recently. My wife has confessed to what she denied decades ago. My problem now is not even my wife or the fact that she had been unfaithful to me, but the issue of how to inform my son about his paternity. He is such a responsible young man and a good leader of my team. Besides, I am not ready to let go too, even prepared to go to court over the issue. This is why I need your advice as well as the intervention of well meaning Nigerians. At 75, I have seen all there is to see about life so my wife unfaithfulness doesn’t move me one bit. But I am very particular about the welfare and happiness of my children. And I am not ready to let go. Papa. Dear Papa, He isn’t so young as not to understand the issues involved in all these. Painful and sad as the news will be to him, you must summon the courage to inform me. There is no way you can keep such fundamental information away from him. Besides, it is best he gets to hear it from you than from another person. There is also no telling how far your friend is willing to go in the pursuit of getting back his child. You have the advantage of being the man who has nurtured him from birth. At his age, it is not a simple matter of his biology but of the many factors that add up to make him the man he currently is. He is no longer a boy, a little child that cannot tell his right from his left. He is a man, one who has children and knows what responsibility is. By now, he knows that no responsible man goes to bed with a married woman let alone the wife of his best friend. Besides, why wait until now that he is all grown up and married? Would he have come if he didn’t lose all the other children? Is it right for him to come forward to claim the child of this best friend? Your son knows what is good for him, knows that life is a complex mix of all tiny bits. Call him, man to man, and lay bare everything that has to do with your life from the beginning to your present time. Don’t hide anything from him, including all the gossip about your mother and your best friend. Let him also know about the letter your sister wrote to you as well as your suspicions. The fact that you elected to ignore all these leading evidences point to your unconditional love for him. These are the things that will forever make the difference in his life. For the sake of your son, don’t engage your old friend in any legal tussle. It will destroy the foundation of your home. Besides, the boy in question is a grown man. He is long past the age of consent. He is in a position to make his decision, decide whom he recognises as his father and who not to accept. Therefore, it would be a sheer waste of time for you to go to court on his account. In addition, it will make the other children wonder at their relevance to you. Getting too emotional may make the others wonder at the real reason for your disappointment. They would naturally wonder if you would have fought bitterly to keep him if they were boys. After talking to your son, arrange a meeting between them. Don’t make it appear to your friend as if you are desperate to hold on to him at all cost. Also, it’s important you give your boy the chance to exercise his freewill. Resist the urge to protect him from the unknown because the best of our intentions are most times misconstrued by the same people we seek to protect. You actually stand to lose more if you attempt to prevent both of them from meeting. It is also absolutely important, you don’t give either of them the impression that you cannot do without your son. This will make you very vulnerable and subject to their manipulations. You have trained him, provided him with the opportunity to be the success he is now. Even if his father makes a claim to him, the years he spent in your home, heart and life can never be quantified, hence cannot be taken away from you. Nothing can change that. There is also the need to tell the other children about it. This is necessary to avoid the attendant confusion of hearing from a third party. Hearing it from you will water down whatever reactions that follow such shocking story. Furthermore it will help them resist mischievous elements within and outside the family who may want to manipulate this development to their favour. It is also a way of assuring your children that you and their mother aren’t going to go your different ways. No matter how old a child is the prospect of parents breaking up is usually traumatic. No child wants to go through the process of watching the parents go their different ways. Once they know it won’t affect your marriage to their mother, they will settle down to protecting the family’s name. But the moment you give the impression that their mother is going to lose her home on account of what happened over 50 years ago, not only will the children start trading blames, they will also begin to take sides with either you or their mother. Invariably the family suffers disunity. In addition, you should really be interested in knowing what your former best friend has to say to your son as well as your son’s reaction to him. His reaction will give you a good insight to so many things concerning the future of your family long after you must have joined your ancestors. Only God gives good children. We cannot make good children out of our children. Perhaps this is God’s way of opening your eyes to a nagging issue that has been bothering your mind for a long time. Ask God to give you the presence of mind to learn the lesson in it for you. Good luck.