Does he want me or my money?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a 23-year-old lady in a relationship with this very handsome man. He is a graduate and lucky to have got a job after his compulsory national youth service. I, on the other hand hasn’t been able to further my education as a result of my poor background. But there is something bothering me about him: whenever we are in bed, he turns his back to me instead of him to hold and cuddle me. Whenever I try to hold him, he pushes my hands off him. I want to know if he loves me. Secondly he is demanding N20,000.00 from me. I am confused. Nsi. Dear Nsi, Isn’t the answer to your question obvious? This man wants what he can get from you. Having defrauded you sexually, he is also desirous of fleecing you financially. The question is not what his intentions are but your own perception of what he really wants from you. Unfortunately, you are too blind by your emotions to see beyond the desires of your heart to preserve a relationship you don’t even have. Isn’t it obvious from his attitude towards you that you are nothing more than a willing bedmate he comes to when he has the desires for a female body? As far as he is concerned, you are just another face, someone to appease his sexual hunger; you could just have been another girl for all he cares. Men like him don’t consider the love of a woman as being important. If you are not there, he won’t miss anything because there will always be an agreeable girl for his likes. If you have N20,000.00, shouldn’t you be thinking of going back to school? Only very few young men are ready to take chances with a young uneducated lady. Even if they are prepared, will their families in this present age allow their sons to marry a lady whose best qualification is a secondary school leaving certificate? Unless you are serious with your life, has plans for yourself, you will never be able to rise about a certain level. Men you desire like your current bedmate will always treat you like dirt because you have nothing beyond your body to offer them. He is making a fool of you because he knows you are desperate to have him in your life. Whether you give him the money or not, he will still leave you once he is fed up of your body. That money can get you started in life if you are determined to earn your way into the hearts of men generally. Use your experience in the hands of this man as your motivation to success in life. With that money, get a form and enrol in a class that will prepare you for the Joint Admission Matriculation Board examinations. Learning has no age limit. Once you are able to gain admission into a university or polytechnic, you will be able to fund your way through school if you are the hardworking and innovative type. As long as you are contented, not interested in keeping a class you cannot afford, you will sail through with minimal stress. Problems come when young girls want to show class they don’t have. Provided you are determined, the sky becomes your stepping stone. Men like your current date will begin to rethink their old perception of you. They will begin to see beyond your body and look deeper into your mind to the future they can have with you. Irrespective of what men say, they want a woman who has a measure of independence, one they can show off to their friends and who can take charge when they are not around. You may be hard-working, but for a man who is a graduate, you may not have the kind of exposure he desires in his woman. Whatever it will cost you, end this relationship. It is pointless because this man doesn’t have any kind of respect for you. He doesn’t love you at all. Go before he destroys you for another man; extinguishes your self-confidence. It will be so unfortunate if this man through his treatment of you takes away your dream in your own abilities as a promising young lady. Leaving him will give you the chance for self -development and fulfillment as a young woman. Although you will feel some emotional discomfort for the time being, but overtime, you will be glad you did. The way others value us depends on how we value ourselves. If you don’t take steps to accord yourself some respect, no man will ever take you seriously. Good luck

Help! Accident has left him without erection

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My marriage was perfect until November, two years ago, when my husband of five years had an accident that has made it impossible for him to be a husband to me. That he survived is a miracle. It was a battle but he eventually pulled through but a muscle in his reproductive organ was discovered destroyed. He has been to United Kingdom and United States of America but to no avail. The doctors are hopeful that someday, the muscle could repair itself but before then, he remains impotent. He isn’t paralysed because he has the use of his legs but he simply is unable to achieve erection as a man. The doctors in America have given him a 50-50 chance of full recovery but this is neither here nor there. The sad thing for now is that I have a husband who cannot sleep with me. It has been two years now without sex. Already I am feeling the pressure of it all and, it is making me frustrated with my marriage. I am a very young woman; 32 years of age; there is no way I can continue with this kind of situation. My eldest child will be five in October while my youngest one will be three in March. A friend I shared my frustrations with, introduced me to the use of a sex toy but it doesn’t give me the satisfaction of the natural thing. Recently, I have been the object of affection of a man who lives three streets away from ours. I ran into him by accident at a supermarket in the neighbourhood. My second child was demanding for something I wasn’t in the mood to buy for her but he stepped in and got it for her. In the process of thanking him, we exchanged a lot of information. That is how we became close. Some mornings when I don’t feel like taking my car, I hitch a ride in his car. I really like him and want him in every way a woman wants a man. I have allowed him get close to me but not that close. Agatha, you are like the mother I don’t have. I have consistently read your column since I got introduced to it shortly before I got married. As a matter of fact, I was at the programme, “Just Before Valentine,” you organised at the Airport Hotel a few years ago. This burden is too much for me. My husband is a saint; there can never be anyone like him for me. But I need to do this to be able to protect my home. I don’t want to hurt my husband so I have been avoiding discussing the matter with him since the incident. I don’t want to give him the impression that sex is all that concerns me. He is doing his best for us, has gone out of his way to be extra nice even though he has always been a very good husband and father to me. While some of my friends think I should leave him and find another man for myself, my best friend says, I shouldn’t but can keep a secret boyfriend very far from home. She says I shouldn’t do anything with this man who lives not far from us because the scandal will eventually break and could lead to the death of my husband. I am so confused. Please help me. Deroju. Dear Deroju, I really empathise with you and your husband. These are clearly not good times for your marriage. But we give God the glory he survived the accident. Where there is life, there is hope. Your situation is more of a faith thing than medical. Sincerely, this is the time for you to get absolutely close to God. This isn’t something you do with other things in your mind. This kind of request demands the essence of you to obtain the right results from God. The issue here is, are you ready to seek the face of God with your husband? If the doctors have given him 50-50 chance of recovery, why not stay with God in prayers? Remember your marriage creed; the vows you took to stay with him through thick and thin; in sickness and in health. As a woman, I understand the sacrifice I am asking you to make, but be rest assured that God isn’t in the business of giving us a burden too heavy for our fragile frames. Deep inside you is a reservoir of strength you don’t know you have, but waiting for you to release. Your friends all mean well but this situation is more than sex. It is the life of your husband. Have you sat to imagine his state of mind, his fear, humiliation, frustration as well as all the negative emotions going through his mind? Do you know the sadness deep in him knowing that he can no longer be the husband you need in that area and the attendant fear of losing you to another man as a result of his disability? Can you imagine what the situation is doing to him? To discover overnight that the thing he once took for granted has been taken away from him? That he cannot be the man he once was? You are free and healthy. Your only problem is his inability to make love to you but have you thought of the multiplicity of his own problems? Sex is the easiest thing to get; the cheapest; unlike what he is going through. Yes, you can follow the advice of your friends to seek sex outside your marriage but at what cost? Will you find that lasting happiness from doing it? Would it give you the kind of peace you have with your husband? How many who see you come and go with these men are you going to explain your situation to? Do you think they will applaud you or condemn you? If you were the one incapacitated, how would you feel if your husband is seen painting the town red with other women? He isn’t denying you sex because he wants to, he cannot make love to you as a result of his health condition. Be careful because tomorrow is pregnant. Since doctors have not written him off, it could be the day you are caught with another man that he will regain the use of his manhood. Doubtless sex is important but if it is the ‘be it all’ in man-woman relationship, there won’t be so many failed marriages in the world. This means there are more important things in marriages that keep it going against all odds. This is what you should find in this thick dark clouds floating through your marriage. Be rest assured that this time will pass; it might have come to help solidify the foundation of your marriage as well as open your eyes to the other qualities that are important in marriage. Give your marriage and man the strength to recover from this tragedy. Sex will come and go but the important things that give character to marriage and bring about peace as well as harmony is what you should infuse into this particular stage of marriage. Furthermore, you have to discuss your fears and situation with your husband. And you both must resume love-making. Maybe consider oral sex with him; it will help bring about some emotional stability in your person. You are tensed because you have refused to revisit the incident and discuss your various options with your husband. He needs you more than ever before with your children whose lives will be affected one way or the other if you decide to seek sexual satisfaction outside your home. Good luck.

Hard to love my wife after robbers raped her

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I join all those you daily bless through your column to pray that God will also answer your prayers even before you call on Him. Last December while on our way to spend the Christmas holiday in the village, our bus was not only waylaid by armed robbers, but the women on board, including my wife, were also raped. Only the very elderly women escaped this torture. Although I knew my wife was two months pregnant, I asked her to abort the child after what I witnessed. I didn’t want the blood of those robbers to mix with that of my unborn child. I will never be able to accept such child as mine. Since then, I haven’t been able to come close to her. The few times I tried to touch her, images of what those men did to her and all the women on board of that bus will immediately come to my mind making it impossible for me to go any further. This has been on for more than eight months now. Our first child clocked three in April. I don’t know if I will ever be able to make love to her again without remembering that horrible incident. She is now asking for a divorce as a result of the way I treat her. She said I am being cruel and that I have gotten another woman to take her place in my bed. I won’t lie there have been various women to take care of my emotional needs. I have tried explaining to her and all our family members who have intervened as a result of what she told them about our marriage to give me more time. I love her so much, actually I met her a virgin. She has always been a good and responsible woman. It is just that I don’t know how to get that thing off my mind. But I don’t want her out of my life or home. Like I said, she is the best wife any man can ever have. From all indices she is ready to quit and move on with her life. I am so confused and don’t know what I really want any more. I am so disappointed. Please help me. Confused Husband. Dear Confused Husband, The first thing to do is to try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes. How would you feel being raped in public while your husband stood watching helplessly? How would you feel being told by the same man to abort an already existing pregnancy on account of the dehumanisation you suffered in the hands of those robbers? Also try to imagine her pains at being denied the comfort she needs to recover such humiliation by the same man who did nothing to protect her honour as a woman? If there is anybody who should be disappointed, it is your wife, not you. While you acted with common sense on the day of the incident, because there are no heroes in the graveyard, but you are now acting with gross insensitivity to your wife. She deserves your compassion, support and understanding to overcome her double shame. Don’t forget some men would have elected to die rather than allow any man put their wives through such horror. If she is not condemning you for being such a coward at her hour of need, why should you revile her for being a victim of her gender? You didn’t stop at denying her your compassion but also asked her to abort the child that could have helped her to recover quickly. You were, and not being fair to this woman. She didn’t ask to be raped. No woman enjoys the forceful attention of a stranger on her person. For a woman who has known no other man, kept herself for her husband, she must be going through so much emotional turmoil. What she needs isn’t what she is getting from you. By denying her your compassion and presence, you are unwittingly taking away everything that meant something to her until that unfortunate incident. Your attitude towards her is worse than what she suffered that day. A woman can face the world if her man is there by her side, helping her to recover as well as putting on her again her garment of honour. Had you done that, this incident would have been fading in your memory by now. Your stubborn refusal to let go is what has kept the memory of that day fresh in your mind. Those men are no longer responsible for what is happening in your home; rather you are the one now at the wheels of the vehicle destroying your home. Your wife needs you not just as her husband but also as an understanding friend, a partner and helper. Even if you are not up to making love to her now, at least be the friend she needs now. She is going through so much and may not even need you to touch her intimately but to provide her with a compassionate heart and willing shoulder on which to lay her troubles. You must understand that violation didn’t happen in secret, it happened before other men. Though she wasn’t alone, but do you even understand the shame of being made to do what is entirely private in public view, made to expose her dignity to other men who watched in cowardly silence? If the truth must be told, it is your pride and manhood that was raped that day, not hers. If she is not hating you or mocking your claims to be a man, it is only because she is very much in love with you and too much of a good woman to give you a piece of her mind. That she is asking for a divorce is because you leave her through your actions with no choice. She has gotten to the limit of her endurance. What manner of mind-set would make you leave a woman for eight months without coming near her or offering her the comfort she needs to recover. Your attitude has left her with nothing worth fighting for in your home. As it stands now, not even the presence of her child can make her stay with a man who so obviously hates her with the passion he once loved her. You are lucky. Some less strong willed women would have since tried to kill themselves or go out of their home to find a man willing to make them feel clean again the same way you are doing in the arms of other women. It will take a while for her to forgive your rejection of her. If you cannot stay off sex, what makes you think she can? Should she decide to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction, would you be able to blame her? If you want your home back as desperately as you sound, woo yourself back in her heart. Time is what you no longer have, so perish the plea for it. Sincerely, if you don’t act now, you might as well kiss her and your marriage goodbye. Eight months is a long time to leave a married woman who stays in the same house with her husband in the cold. If you are not careful the next time you will look her way she will be in the arms of another man, this time not unwilling, but with her consent. Therefore, the first thing to do is ask yourself the reason for your attitude. Deep down, who are you really angry with – yourself or those men? The fact that you watched helplessly as these men desecrated your wife and your marital vows. Did you feel jealous? Did she make a move or sound that you think suggested she liked it better with them? Frankly, these are issues you have to sit down to deal with on your own before going to her to make peace. Granted the sight of another man raping one’s wife can be very hurtful, but something is making it impossible for you to forget it. There is no moving for either of you, if you are not honest with what is really niggling you. By admitting it to yourself, you set your marriage free to move on. Without you first being at peace with yourself, it would be almost impossible to give peace to your wife and marriage. Once you are clear, go to your wife to talk. First apologise for your attitude. It will make her receptive for discussions with you. By the time you finish explaining to her, her heart would have thawed sufficiently for you to make whatever move you deem necessary in the pursuit of recovering your home. Usually, the gathering ominous clouds will clear once you make this first move, but it behoves you to go the extra mile to rid your marriage of every remnants of this unfortunate incident. You both need the presence of God to heal properly. Ask for His presence in your home, lives and marriage. With Him, nothing shall be termed impossible. Good luck.

Despite being married, he wants to marry me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want to thank you for your wonderful advice to couples and intending couples like myself. I have a problem, which has been disturbing me and I need your advice on it, it is a year since I met and started dating my boyfriend. He is all I need in a man; he loves me so much and treats me like a queen. He has proposed to me and I have accepted but Agatha, my problem is, he has two boys from a woman. The first time I prayed about his proposal, I saw him in my dream playing with children. When I narrated the dream to him, he confirmed he having children with a woman he once lived with. He explained that they were never married because he never paid her bride price, but that he wedded her in court. I asked about the woman and the children, he told me that he doesn’t know their where-about but that he sends money for the boys’ upkeep. He said the woman left with the children and said she has moved on with her life. According to him, he doesn’t want to remember anything about the woman or talk about her because of the pains he suffered at the hands of the woman. He said the woman represents everything bad in his life. When I asked him how come they have two children between them if everything he is saying about the woman is true; he said he it doesn’t take much to get a woman pregnant. He warned me against mentioning the name of the woman if I don’t want us to fight. I have tried asking him so many times what caused the problem between them and why he didn’t pay her bride price. He is not saying anything. But my problem now is how can a woman leave such a man that is so caring and loving? I have meet with his family members and even asked the ones I am close to about their brother’s ex-wife, they keep telling me to forget about the woman that, she showed their brother pepper that no member of the family wants to talk or have anything to do with the woman. I asked about the children they told me that the children will look for their father once they are old enough. Agatha, I have introduced this guy to my pastor who has given his go ahead. Knowing the spiritual gift of my pastor, if this man wasn’t meant for me, he would have said so the day we visited his office. My family members to have accepted him even my elder sister who is in the habit of kicking against all the men that have come to ask for my hand in marriage, accepted him with all her mind. My problem now is that he said he has to go to the court to divorce the woman as he wedded her in the court. I am having this feeling in me that, I am getting married to a divorcee who has two boys already. Agatha please advice me on what to do. I am confused.  Eucharia. Dear Eucharia, It is not a feeling you have; it is a statement of fact that you are marrying a man who already has a wife. Whether he agrees to this reality or not, the truth remains, he has a wife somewhere. The laws of the land places more premium on court marriages than any other form of marriage. The marriage act, gives universal recognition to court marriages alone which means he would be committing a crime under any marriage act if he attempts to wed another woman under the marriage act. If you marry him, he cannot wed you in the court unless he vacates his earlier marriage contacted under the act. For now, you can only get married under the customary laws of the land, not in church or registry. But, as long as he remains legally bonded to the other woman, whether he hasn’t paid the bride price or not, in the eyes of the church and laws of the land, your marriage remains null and void. Therefore, whether he likes it or not, he has to revisit his marriage to the other woman if he wants to move on with his life. However, this matter is beyond you since you weren’t there when all the issues happened. Explain your apprehensions to his family members on the need for him to take legal steps to vacate his legal ties to the mother of his children. He may not understand it the way you do but if someone else explains all the legal implications to him, he will listen. As it stands, the woman still has a right to his name and home as long as the contract between them remains intact. Besides, she has children, two boys for him. She cannot just be wished away from his life like that. A lot of things may have gone wrong with their union but he has to learn to do things properly to forestall problems for you and the children you will have for him in later years. This is the angle you must make him appreciate if he really cares about you. Let him realize the future implications of his stubborn refusal to discuss his life with the other woman. It is your right to know, at least if for the simple reason of avoiding the mistakes she made. Definitely the children will come look for their father someday but, is it the responsible thing to do? Wait until they come to look for the man who fathered them? Isn’t it the right of the children to enjoy their father’s presence and attention? Should these children be punished for the problems between their parents? The intricacies of marriage make it impossible for only one person to destroy. Although the faults may be more on her side but, your man cannot to be completely free of any blame. I say this not to discourage but to help you appreciate the complexity of the institution you are about to enter. Without both of you making concrete efforts to work properly on the foundation, some of the issues he is unwilling to discuss will come back to hunt your marriage. Besides, he is lying about not knowing where the woman and the children are. If he claims to send the money regularly, he must have an address he sends the money to. He must have a phone number with which requests are forwarded to by either the woman or the children. It is your right to know so as to avoid breach of trust between the two of you as well as the consequences of harmful gossips. The fact that he also didn’t tell you from the beginning about this woman and her children should make you pause a little bit to think. One thing is for him to be caring and loving, another thing is for him to completely open his heart to you. You must find a way to make him appreciate that the first step to being happy in a marriage is to be forthcoming with information to one’s partner. Don’t allow your haste and heart blind you to obvious flaws in his character. To pretend you are okay with them is to postpone challenges in your association. This is the man you intend spending your life with; don’t begin your journey with fear or allow him to intimidate you to accepting only his ways. By the time you are ready in later years to reject the state of affairs in your marriage, the situation would have grown beyond you and change would become impossible. Since you have become in this past by virtue of your relationship with him, he cannot afford to be too rigid on this matter. He should file for a divorce from this other woman. He should also take steps to locate the woman and her children; especially his sons to iron out the issue of their welfare and education. They are his first seeds; he must be concerned about their education. He may not know it now, but these boys are his future pride. They may not be yours biologically, but they are part of him hence you must chart a proper way for him and his children to be happy together. It is part of your job as his wife. If these boys are not properly cared for today, it would affect your children too. Only a sane man abandons his children simply because he has issues with their mother. The go ahead signals from your pastor and family members will only work, if you are wise and ready to be a rally point in the family. Good luck.

My brother and I are dating the same girl

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want you to advice me on this issue. There is this lady I am in love with but whom l later realized has been in a relationship with my brother before we met. Though my brother lives in another state but comes home once a month. I don’t want to separate them but she is the first lady I ever loved. What should I do? Confused Brother. Dear Confused Brother, She isn’t worth you and your brother fighting over. Let go immediately. If she has any self respect, without you saying anything, she will leave both of you alone. What would have been your story if she had become pregnant for you? Do you think it will ever be possible for you and your brother to relate as siblings? Your brother will always feel betrayed by you. It is an abomination for two brothers to date the same woman. When you didn’t know, it was a different case but now that you know, you will be committing a sin by continuing with her. It is unfortunate that she is the first woman you have ever fallen in love with but she is all wrong for you. Besides, if you ask around, only few ended up with their first love. A lot of people ended up with other persons. Life is dynamic. As long as time exists, the emotional wounds caused by your falling in love with her will heal. But what you feel now will be nothing compared to you losing your brother’s love and trust if he finds out that you are dating the same woman he is dating. No matter the kind of explanations you give, he will not listen to you at least at the initial stage. And even when he dismisses the situation as unimportant, her action would have caused a certain amount of chill in your relationship with your brother especially if he knows that you continued in the relationship despite knowing of his involvement with her. There is always a first time for everything in life. The important thing is to know the innate lesson in whatever situation we find ourselves. Rather than worry about losing this lady to your brother who by right is her main boyfriend, your concern should be on avoiding the kind of mistakes you made with her. In addition, this lady has always belonged to your brother not you. She used you as a spare; in case her main boyfriend disappoints her or isn’t around to keep her company. By now, if you are analytical, you should know what to avoid in any new relationship. Learn to look beyond whatever a woman is telling you to certain crucial details about her. She succeeded in dating you and your brother concurrently because you neglected to observe certain things about her. This episode underscores a flaw in your relationship with your brother. If both of you were opened with each other, you would have known at least known the name of the woman in your brother’s life. In all, consider this relationship as one of the mistakes one makes in life in the cause of sourcing for the real thing. When the time the right girl comes along, you will wonder what you ever saw in this other girl in the first place. Good luck.

Should I continue to wait for my prisoner boyfriend at 42?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 42 years of age. The man I am to marry, is in prison. I have gone in search for spiritual and physical help to ensure he comes out of there but, to no avail. The problem now is that I am getting old and at my age, I don’t know for how long I am going to wait. He has been in prison for five years. Men of God I consulted on the issue have divided opinion on his release. While some say he will soon be released, others say he is going to be in there for another five years. I don’t know which of these prophesies I should believe. To make matters worse, I don’t know anybody in his family. What do I do because I am not getting younger. I have spent all my life’s saving on him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am afraid. Please help me. Distraught Woman. Dear Distraught Woman, At 42, you are no longer a child. Most women your age have stopped having children. As a matter of fact some women at your age have started experiencing menopause. You aren’t even married not to talk of having children. And the man you plan to marry is in prison; and you are not sure when he is coming out of there. To cap it all, you don’t even know any member of his family so what are you still waiting for? It would have been a different kettle of fish if you were both legally married but from what you have said, there is nothing on ground, just a promise that you will both get married some day. Although the bit about you not knowing when he is likely to come out of prison is doubtful considering every sentence has a prison year attached to it, the truth is, even if he gets out of that place today, he isn’t under any obligation to marry you. As a friend and lover, you have done your best to be a friend in need but reality beckons on to put your happiness first. As a woman, your productive years are limited and at your age, your biological shelf life is almost expiring. This means you must make a move if you hope to have a child of your own. This is that time most of us get into in life when we must make a very difficult choice. Granted you love this man but are you willing to give up your whole life waiting for him to get out of prison? What if he never makes it out alive? What would be your consolation and story? Sincerely, this is that time the inherent selfish nature in us must come to play in your life. You cannot love this man more than yourself. If he truly cares about you, he wouldn’t want you to waste the rest of your life waiting for him considering that you are a woman advanced in years. You have to either let go of him or your chance of being a mother. This is not time for sentiments. If at your age you don’t look out for yourself, nobody would. Even now, your options are very limited. Only very few men would want to begin their lives with a woman your age; meaning you have even very slim chances of meeting the right man. Even though you have your reasons for staying on which in the beginning must appear very good and reasonable, if you leave him now, it won’t be that you ran away at the sight of trouble but rather it will be the most reasonable thing to do. That you are married to another man doesn’t mean you would stop being his friend. From time to time, you could still make out time to visit him in prison; at least to encourage him. Love isn’t stupid and is a two way thing. Love without wisdom is absolute stupidity. Yes, it is unconditional but every love story begins with falling in love with oneself. If you don’t know how to treat yourself right, you will never be able to define how others should treat you. The question is, in your shoes will this man do the same thing for you? Would he willingly give up his own usefulness for you? This is the junction of truth. Are you really waiting for him or using the excuse of not having offers from other men to claim you are waiting for him? If you are merely using the excuse of lack of suitors to wait for him, then there is a spiritual angle to your issue. This you must face and stop deceiving yourself by giving the impression that you are waiting for this man when in fact you have a bigger problem to tackle in your own life. When you make up your mind to be sincere with yourself, go in search for the real problem militating against your emotional happiness as a woman and stop playing hide and seek with yourself. Without you being honest with yourself as to the exact problem facing you, you will end up being so disappointed with life. And I tell you it will have nothing to do with this man but your own refusal to face your life squarely. There is nothing God cannot do once you are prepared to be truthful. Chances are you haven’t found a clue to all that is happening in your life because you prefer to lie to everybody and yourself. Go to God in prayers. Once you are ready, He will point you at the right direction to go. Good luck.

My fiancée is stubborn

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for the positive changes you are making in the lives of people. I am 35 years and my fiancée is 23. We have dated for almost three years. I’m thinking of fixing our traditional marriage ceremony for December. I reside in Lagos while she stays in a neighbouring state. She is a little bit stubborn. If she makes up her mind to do something, she will not change no matter what anybody feels about her decision. She has this attitude that at worst, she will come back to apologise at the end of the day. It has been her way of life and it is giving me concern. The latest incident that really got me angry has to do with a text message she sent me to inform me of a bachelor’s eve she and her friends plan to attend in another town. Despite registering my uneasiness at her decision to attend the eve and telling her not to go, she still attended. Following this, I called off the relationship and told her to forget everything about me. She has since been asking I forgive her. I’m confused. For how long will I continue to live like that? She will always insist on doing things her way after which she will come back to beg for forgiveness. I regard this attitude as stubbornness and there is no way I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who has that kind of attitude. I need your candid advice. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, This isn’t a challenge you handle with anger because annoyance has a way of destroying so many things in life. First you must acknowledge that we are all equally allocated a habit that will always irritate others, especially our loved ones. If you care to look inwards at yourself, you will also discover a side of you that don’t jell with others particularly those very close to you. The beauty about life is our ability to accommodate our weaknesses and focus on our strengths. She maybe stubborn but what about her other qualities, that have kept this relationship going for three years? This is the time for you to focus on those special attributes you may find very difficult to replace in another woman. Just as we all have our bad sides, we are also blessed with very positive unique qualities; the kind that will never be available in another person. This is what makes us special. Compare her most unique quality with her stubbornness; place these two attributes on a scale; deep in your mind which one affects you the most? How much happiness and pride has the good side of her given you as a man? How often do you derive pleasure from her integrity and love as a woman? Is her stubbornness an everyday thing, the kind you wake up to every morning? There is no ideal relationship anywhere but a perfect determination to make it work. This means, there are no guarantees that the next woman you are going to meet will be perfect for you. Then the question is, how many women are you going to date before making up your mind on one? At 35, you are 13 years older than her 23; this means you have more experience than she has. At her age, she is just emerging from that age of excitement and fun. Don’t forget she is still in school; the age of parties and numerous friends. If you slow down a bit, you will recall your own yearnings, dreams at her age. True, some people mature faster than others, but certain things never really change. We are servants to each season of life. There is no way a child of three will ever act like that of 10. Just like a child of 11 can never act like that of 21. Every season has an identification tag. The memories of her restrictive teenage years are not too far from her mind. She wants to have a feel of life before she settles down with you. Understandably at 35, your years are counting, hers at 23, is just beginning. If you push her too hard, you may lose her because what you consider her stubbornness may just be a desire on her side to enjoy some level of freedom, an intoxicating substance that requires patience to defeat. As the more experienced one, you must also understand the danger of using too much force to pass across your message or position. Her attitude too could be a way of registering her displeasure at the way you treat or talk to her. Not everybody likes to be ordered around. Perhaps you should verify the way and manner you address her generally. For instance, why didn’t you want her to attend this party? Is it out of concern for her safety or simply because you don’t want her to attend? Even babies become more stubborn when parents daily apply the use of force in putting them under check. Appreciate that she is first and foremost a human being, her own person before being part of your life. You cannot want to structure her to fit your own ways overnight without expecting to meet certain resistance from her end. In school, she is among friends, those that keep her company for now. There is no way she would have been able to tell these friends that you asked her not to attend the party they had long planned for. In her shoes, what would you have done? Peer pressure is a factor which you have to contend with at least until you marry her. Living with friends and in school would make the kind of order you gave her difficult to adhere to. If she gives in to everything you want her to do, she will lose her personality to you and that will make everything very boring for you as the years roll by. Unless of course you want the kind of woman who won’t be able to challenge your orders, meekly submit to your every desire, a marriage needs the contradictions of our individualities to remain relevant. This is the woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Ordering her around will not augur well for your relationship. Respect begets respect. However, there is the need for her to recognise that she needs to respect you especially in the presence of her friends. There is the need for you to invite her over to your base for a heart to heart discussion on the way forward. In dialoguing with her, do the mature thing of hearing her out; listen to her grievances against you. Don’t try to stop her from saying what she has in mind. Give her, through your patience, every hope that your relationship is based on equal partnership and that you intend to be a leader and not a boss. Seeing the efforts you are making will give her that assurance to completely go with you. It will resolve some of the nagging issues that is making her misbehave. Every woman wants the assurance that she is special to her man. What force cannot achieve, love and understanding can. Bring out the woman in her by being her friend, champion, supporter and worthy leader. These are attributes you can use to change and structure her into your kind of woman. When a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she won’t do for him. So get her to fall in love with you first before attempting to change her. For now, give yourselves the chance to be happy together by accepting her apologies. But it is important she realises that patience, though elastic, can snap when pulled beyond its limit of flexibility. That while you will continue to support her to succeed and be happy, it also behooves her to accord you certain level of respect. That by being stubborn is evident of her lack of respect for you. Once you are able to manage this aspect of her personality, you may come to find out that she is the best thing to happen to you. But you won’t know if you don’t go this mile to confront the situation instead of pointing her at the door of exit in your life. Good luck

Should my mother be matchmaker?

with Agatha Edo, 08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column and I want to thank you for the wonderful way you have helped people solve their problems. I am a girl of 23 years of age, I met a guy of 32 years who is asking for my hand in marriage, but my mother has refused, saying his job is not secure because he works in a private firm. She wants me to marry a civil or public servant. But she has gone ahead to marry a wife for my brother who is still jobless. My mother likes to be the one making all the decisions for everybody in the family. I am not sure I want her to take this particular decision for me. I just finished my compulsory national youth service programme. I am still searching for a job. I have not told my boyfriend my mother’s stance on his marriage proposal. Please help me because I am beginning to hate my mother. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, At 23, you are past the age of consent. You are in a position to determine what you want from life. The decision of who to marry is very important and personal; you have to be allowed to make your mistakes so that you will have the ability to cope with whatever kinds of challenges come from your personal decision. Sadly your mother’s reasons aren’t right. If she had mentioned something about this man’s character, objected to you marrying him based on certain disagreeable flaws, it would have been understandable but asking you not to marry him because of where he works is untenable. Even though your mother’s concern comes from her desire to secure your future since the civil service still offers the best kind of job security in the land, the final decision is yours to make because you are the one who is going to live with the man you eventually marry. This is why you shouldn’t bother informing your boyfriend about your mother’s position. It will only create unnecessary tension in your relationship. Instead, focus on what you want out of life. Your dream is what will help you arrive at the viable junction of your life. You must know who you are to be able to identify who is good for you in life. Therefore, don’t make a hasty decision simply because your mother wants you to go another way. She is wrong, but so would you be if you don’t take time to identify your kind of person. For instance, what kinds of things appeal to you as a person and woman? What kind of man do you think will make you happy? How well do you know and appreciate yourself? Are you temperamental, quiet, loyal, friendly and prayerful? Are strong willed or the kind of woman who likes the man to take the lead in her life? Do you have a complex or a lady who is proud of the skin and shape she is in, no matter what happens to her? Are you easily influenced by the opinion of others concerning you or the kind that makes her own rules? I asked this cocktail of questions to help you take a closer look at yourself. If you don’t know who you are, how can you recognise the man that will make you happy? What you don’t have, you cannot give. If you are the kind of lady who is forever floating with the wind, never putting in the extra efforts to define your own space, chances are you will end up with the wrong man for all the wrong reasons. To avoid your mother and siblings sneering at you in the event of a major disagreement between you and your own choice of a husband, it is crucial you take time out to answer these questions with all the honesty within you. Doing so, will help you recognise the inherent qualities you need to make the difference in life. It will help you marry the right person for you. When you are with your right partner, such things your mother is worrying about won’t matter. This is because you will always have the will to soldier on whatever the condition you and your partner find yourselves. Most of the challenges and problems that many couples face come from the foundation they lay at the onset of their relationship. One thing is for this man to offer you a proposal of marriage; another thing is for you to be certain that he is right for you. Once you are positive he is the kind of man for you, go ahead with your own plans while you keep praying to God to intervene on your behalf. If the man is good, responsible and is respectful, your mother will eventually come to appreciate him. Don’t hate your mother. She is only doing what she feels is right to protect her children. When you are on the other side of life, you will understand why she is bothered about the job security of the man. Mothers can be pains at times but be assured she loves you and means well for you. We are all victims of our individual experiences. She definitely has her reasons for actions. It is a matter of you having the patience to ask and the wisdom to understand. Good luck.

My hubby says I am caging him

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I shy away from discussing my marital problems with friends because one can never tell what their motives really are. I have been married for over 20 years with three wonderful children who are all in school now. We have had our problems one of which is womanising by my husband but so far, we have managed to get through it without breaking the marriage. Of course, like every woman, I have been harping on the need for him to remain faithful to our vows and stressing how his actions hurt me. He has repeatedly made promises to desist from his act but he is always going back on his promises. It has become a cycle in our marriage. The latest issue is that he is feeling caged. We work in the same place and drive to the office together. Initially, we used to travel together most weekends but after a while, I felt it did not allow me to effectively take care of the house and so I now join him on alternate weekends. He also travels a bit in his job and once every two months to visit the children. I felt the times away would afford him the opportunity to fulfill every of his erotic desires with other women. In the many years we have been married, my life has revolved around him and the children and when they left for school, both of us did things together. I am sad that he now thinks I am caging him; feels I should give him space. Sincerely, I am quite willing to do that if that is what he wants. I am planning to tell him that he can travel alone weekends and maybe drive to work on his own if that will make him have his space. I do not know what else I can do short of leaving the house for him. Another problem is that I am not sure how I can occupy myself during those times he would be away as I do not want to get into anything that will embarrass my children at my age. Please advice me on what else I can do to give him space and also on the type of things a middle aged woman can do to keep her occupied. Chinyere. Dear Chinyere, What your husband is going through is midlife crisis. He wants to relive that heyday when he was still young and attractive. He isn’t alone. At the prime of life, many men and women want to hold on to every remnant of those youthful days. I know how much it hurts to share your man with different women but this is the time he needs you the most; the time women must learn to be extra patient and tolerant of the men in their lives. Not many people are prepared for old age. Yes, we all pray to be old but when it suddenly dawns on most people that the future has caught up with them, they panic. Whether you like it or not, this is the time you need him the most so don’t just give him up. He says he is feeling caged because he cannot do some of the things he did back then. What he is contending with is more than you. It is more of a psychological problem, which you must help him overcome. Because the struggle is from within, he understandably feels caged; in his mind you are really cramping his style. Just like those old days of his teenage years, he wants to burst loose of restrictions, responsibilities, children and all those things that have made his life so boring since he got married and became a father. Even women, at menopause go through different phases of rejection, disappointment and nostalgia. It is different with your husband who wants to be a boy all over again. He wants to go and come back as he likes. Don’t forget the children are no longer at home; it is just the two of you, so he thinks he has no need to keep up appearances. Rather than feel bad, at his attitude or his words; look at the essence of your marriage. How would you grade your marriage? On the average of one to ten, where would you place your marriage? This is essential to the issue at hand. If your husband hasn’t been getting enough from you, in terms of emotional satisfaction and happiness all these years you have been together, it would take a lot of sacrifices as well as change in attitude from your end to pull this marriage through. You have to find a way to break him; make him listen to you and get him back from wherever he wants to escape to. This is where your knowledge of him comes to play. What does he like the most since you have been married to him? What also has been his most frequent complains about you? This is the time to pull the two out of the cupboard of time. Make him see you again as the woman he married by reminding him through your attitude, dress sense, cooking and housekeeping of those early years. Let him see that you can be attractive despite the years. Middle age isn’t garbage, rather it is a blessing. There are beautiful and flattering clothes you can wear to make the only rose in his garden once again. With all the children away, you both have to rediscover yourselves; the reason you agreed to marry and spend the rest of your lives together. Actually, the middle age is the reason we get married; not the earlier stage of it when children play the important part of keeping their parents together. The middle age is when couples must find their original reasons for marrying. He wants space because he thinks there is nothing for him anymore. By dedicating yourself to your vows again, you will be prodding his memory to recall that this whole thing started with his decision to propose to you. Compliment his looks, buy him presents; help him select clothes like jeans and very attractive casuals that slice through the years. And when he comes home, don’t nag or bother him about where he has been. What goes up will definitely come down. This is the age of wisdom and absolute trust in God because you have seen the good and bad sides of life. Nothing he does now should make you lose sleep. To get yourself busy, develop those fleeting thoughts you never had the chance to really pursue as a result of childbearing and nurturing. We all have hidden talents we never had time to develop because of other things. Yours could be writing, sewing, buying and selling, cooking, beading, knitting, beading or working with children or the aged. Deep inside you is a God-given gift to take us through the lonely journey of middle age. It is a gift that brightens the lonesomeness of the middle age. Take out time to discover your real self. You have so much still left of you outside being a mother and wife. Talk to God about it. As a matter of fact, you need to find it for your own well-being because loneliness through depression can shorten one’s years. Once you find it, it will help dispel a great deal of some of the depression you currently feel about your husband’s attitude. You won’t even have the time to feel bad about his request for space. Good luck.

Hard to love my wife after robbers raped her

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I join all those you daily bless through your column to pray that God will also answer your prayers even before you call on Him. Last December while on our way to spend the Christmas holiday in the village, our bus was not only waylaid by armed robbers, but the women on board, including my wife, were also raped. Only the very elderly women escaped this torture. Although I knew my wife was two months pregnant, I asked her to abort the child after what I witnessed. I didn’t want the blood of those robbers to mix with that of my unborn child. I will never be able to accept such child as mine. Since then, I haven’t been able to come close to her. The few times I tried to touch her, images of what those men did to her and all the women on board of that bus will immediately come to my mind making it impossible for me to go any further. This has been on for more than eight months now. Our first child clocked three in April. I don’t know if I will ever be able to make love to her again without remembering that horrible incident. She is now asking for a divorce as a result of the way I treat her. She said I am being cruel and that I have gotten another woman to take her place in my bed. I won’t lie there have been various women to take care of my emotional needs. I have tried explaining to her and all our family members who have intervened as a result of what she told them about our marriage to give me more time. I love her so much, actually I met her a virgin. She has always been a good and responsible woman. It is just that I don’t know how to get that thing off my mind. But I don’t want her out of my life or home. Like I said, she is the best wife any man can ever have. From all indices she is ready to quit and move on with her life. I am so confused and don’t know what I really want any more. I am so disappointed. Please help me. Confused Husband. Dear Confused Husband, The first thing to do is to try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes. How would you feel being raped in public while your husband stood watching helplessly? How would you feel being told by the same man to abort an already existing pregnancy on account of the dehumanisation you suffered in the hands of those robbers? Also try to imagine her pains at being denied the comfort she needs to recover such humiliation by the same man who did nothing to protect her honour as a woman? If there is anybody who should be disappointed, it is your wife, not you. While you acted with common sense on the day of the incident, because there are no heroes in the graveyard, but you are now acting with gross insensitivity to your wife. She deserves your compassion, support and understanding to overcome her double shame. Don’t forget some men would have elected to die rather than allow any man put their wives through such horror. If she is not condemning you for being such a coward at her hour of need, why should you revile her for being a victim of her gender? You didn’t stop at denying her your compassion but also asked her to abort the child that could have helped her to recover quickly. You were, and not being fair to this woman. She didn’t ask to be raped. No woman enjoys the forceful attention of a stranger on her person. For a woman who has known no other man, kept herself for her husband, she must be going through so much emotional turmoil. What she needs isn’t what she is getting from you. By denying her your compassion and presence, you are unwittingly taking away everything that meant something to her until that unfortunate incident. Your attitude towards her is worse than what she suffered that day. A woman can face the world if her man is there by her side, helping her to recover as well as putting on her again her garment of honour. Had you done that, this incident would have been fading in your memory by now. Your stubborn refusal to let go is what has kept the memory of that day fresh in your mind. Those men are no longer responsible for what is happening in your home; rather you are the one now at the wheels of the vehicle destroying your home. Your wife needs you not just as her husband but also as an understanding friend, a partner and helper. Even if you are not up to making love to her now, at least be the friend she needs now. She is going through so much and may not even need you to touch her intimately but to provide her with a compassionate heart and willing shoulder on which to lay her troubles. You must understand that violation didn’t happen in secret, it happened before other men. Though she wasn’t alone, but do you even understand the shame of being made to do what is entirely private in public view, made to expose her dignity to other men who watched in cowardly silence? If the truth must be told, it is your pride and manhood that was raped that day, not hers. If she is not hating you or mocking your claims to be a man, it is only because she is very much in love with you and too much of a good woman to give you a piece of her mind. That she is asking for a divorce is because you leave her through your actions with no choice. She has gotten to the limit of her endurance. What manner of mind-set would make you leave a woman for eight months without coming near her or offering her the comfort she needs to recover. Your attitude has left her with nothing worth fighting for in your home. As it stands now, not even the presence of her child can make her stay with a man who so obviously hates her with the passion he once loved her. You are lucky. Some less strong willed women would have since tried to kill themselves or go out of their home to find a man willing to make them feel clean again the same way you are doing in the arms of other women. It will take a while for her to forgive your rejection of her. If you cannot stay off sex, what makes you think she can? Should she decide to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction, would you be able to blame her? If you want your home back as desperately as you sound, woo yourself back in her heart. Time is what you no longer have, so perish the plea for it. Sincerely, if you don’t act now, you might as well kiss her and your marriage goodbye. Eight months is a long time to leave a married woman who stays in the same house with her husband in the cold. If you are not careful the next time you will look her way she will be in the arms of another man, this time not unwilling, but with her consent. Therefore, the first thing to do is ask yourself the reason for your attitude. Deep down, who are you really angry with – yourself or those men? The fact that you watched helplessly as these men desecrated your wife and your marital vows. Did you feel jealous? Did she make a move or sound that you think suggested she liked it better with them? Frankly, these are issues you have to sit down to deal with on your own before going to her to make peace. Granted the sight of another man raping one’s wife can be very hurtful, but something is making it impossible for you to forget it. There is no moving for either of you, if you are not honest with what is really niggling you. By admitting it to yourself, you set your marriage free to move on. Without you first being at peace with yourself, it would be almost impossible to give peace to your wife and marriage. Once you are clear, go to your wife to talk. First apologise for your attitude. It will make her receptive for discussions with you. By the time you finish explaining to her, her heart would have thawed sufficiently for you to make whatever move you deem necessary in the pursuit of recovering your home. Usually, the gathering ominous clouds will clear once you make this first move, but it behoves you to go the extra mile to rid your marriage of every remnants of this unfortunate incident. You both need the presence of God to heal properly. Ask for His presence in your home, lives and marriage. With Him, nothing shall be termed impossible. Good luck.

My best friend is the father of my only son!

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I salute the special gift of God in your life. I am someone very close to you and have watched your growth since you were a child. I admire your courage in life. My pride stopped me from coming to you personally. Besides, this issue affects my first son, a close friend of yours. This story happened in the 60s. Then as a military officer, I moved around a lot. Not desirous of my moving my young family, my wife and daughter around, I decided to leave them behind in Lagos, when official duties took me to Kano. I left them in the care of my childhood friend. By the time I came back, she said, she was already pregnant. The baby came prematurely. When the time of my leave was over, I still asked my best friend to continue to look after them. While in Kano, I heard through the grapevine that my wife and my friend’s wife fought. The people who told me about this development claimed not to know why they fought. But a few weeks later, I got a letter from my sister asking me to move my family to Kano. She said there were rumours that my wife was dating my best friend. I refused to believe her, but decided it was best I come to Lagos. I took some days off to come and investigate things myself. Though neither my friend nor wife mentioned any disagreement, my friend’s wife said I should take my wife and children along with me to my base. She said she didn’t want to be the reason for any misunderstanding between my friend and I. I assured her of my decision to come back for them within weeks. True to my promise, I did. During the civil war, I lost touch with my friend. Since then attempts to get him have proved abortive. I honestly thought he had died because he left Lagos to fight on the side of Biafra. Although my first son is now married with a family of his own, something happened recently that is causing silent commotion in my life and home. My friend has come back to lay claims to the boy. Seeing him made me remember that thing that keeps nagging me about my son, the uncanny semblance to my old friend. From what my friend is saying, he is his only surviving son just as he is mine too. I lost my second son to an accident recently. My wife has confessed to what she denied decades ago. My problem now is not even my wife or the fact that she had been unfaithful to me, but the issue of how to inform my son about his paternity. He is such a responsible young man and a good leader of my team. Besides, I am not ready to let go too, even prepared to go to court over the issue. This is why I need your advice as well as the intervention of well meaning Nigerians. At 75, I have seen all there is to see about life so my wife unfaithfulness doesn’t move me one bit. But I am very particular about the welfare and happiness of my children. And I am not ready to let go. Papa. Dear Papa, He isn’t so young as not to understand the issues involved in all these. Painful and sad as the news will be to him, you must summon the courage to inform me. There is no way you can keep such fundamental information away from him. Besides, it is best he gets to hear it from you than from another person. There is also no telling how far your friend is willing to go in the pursuit of getting back his child. You have the advantage of being the man who has nurtured him from birth. At his age, it is not a simple matter of his biology but of the many factors that add up to make him the man he currently is. He is no longer a boy, a little child that cannot tell his right from his left. He is a man, one who has children and knows what responsibility is. By now, he knows that no responsible man goes to bed with a married woman let alone the wife of his best friend. Besides, why wait until now that he is all grown up and married? Would he have come if he didn’t lose all the other children? Is it right for him to come forward to claim the child of this best friend? Your son knows what is good for him, knows that life is a complex mix of all tiny bits. Call him, man to man, and lay bare everything that has to do with your life from the beginning to your present time. Don’t hide anything from him, including all the gossip about your mother and your best friend. Let him also know about the letter your sister wrote to you as well as your suspicions. The fact that you elected to ignore all these leading evidences point to your unconditional love for him. These are the things that will forever make the difference in his life. For the sake of your son, don’t engage your old friend in any legal tussle. It will destroy the foundation of your home. Besides, the boy in question is a grown man. He is long past the age of consent. He is in a position to make his decision, decide whom he recognises as his father and who not to accept. Therefore, it would be a sheer waste of time for you to go to court on his account. In addition, it will make the other children wonder at their relevance to you. Getting too emotional may make the others wonder at the real reason for your disappointment. They would naturally wonder if you would have fought bitterly to keep him if they were boys. After talking to your son, arrange a meeting between them. Don’t make it appear to your friend as if you are desperate to hold on to him at all cost. Also, it’s important you give your boy the chance to exercise his freewill. Resist the urge to protect him from the unknown because the best of our intentions are most times misconstrued by the same people we seek to protect. You actually stand to lose more if you attempt to prevent both of them from meeting. It is also absolutely important, you don’t give either of them the impression that you cannot do without your son. This will make you very vulnerable and subject to their manipulations. You have trained him, provided him with the opportunity to be the success he is now. Even if his father makes a claim to him, the years he spent in your home, heart and life can never be quantified, hence cannot be taken away from you. Nothing can change that. There is also the need to tell the other children about it. This is necessary to avoid the attendant confusion of hearing from a third party. Hearing it from you will water down whatever reactions that follow such shocking story. Furthermore it will help them resist mischievous elements within and outside the family who may want to manipulate this development to their favour. It is also a way of assuring your children that you and their mother aren’t going to go your different ways. No matter how old a child is the prospect of parents breaking up is usually traumatic. No child wants to go through the process of watching the parents go their different ways. Once they know it won’t affect your marriage to their mother, they will settle down to protecting the family’s name. But the moment you give the impression that their mother is going to lose her home on account of what happened over 50 years ago, not only will the children start trading blames, they will also begin to take sides with either you or their mother. Invariably the family suffers disunity. In addition, you should really be interested in knowing what your former best friend has to say to your son as well as your son’s reaction to him. His reaction will give you a good insight to so many things concerning the future of your family long after you must have joined your ancestors. Only God gives good children. We cannot make good children out of our children. Perhaps this is God’s way of opening your eyes to a nagging issue that has been bothering your mind for a long time. Ask God to give you the presence of mind to learn the lesson in it for you. Good luck.

I’m still hanging on, she has moved on

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I wrote to you sometime last year seeking your wise counsel on ways to handle my girlfriend’s situation. I left her after five years of thorough relationship to study aboard. In those five years, I only visited home when my father died in 2009. In 2010, she wrote asking me what my plans for the next two years were. Since I was still in school and didn’t know she was looking for something, I told her my plans, which were to finish school, further my studies, come home and start work. Honestly if she had been clear or more direct about what she meant, I could have answered her differently, but truly as at then I was not ready and even now, I am still not ready. The bottom line is that she got a proposal and accepted it. I felt betrayed when she told me about the proposal and her acceptance in January this year. I deleted everything about her from my Facebook, BBM and phone. That was the only way I felt I could forget her quickly, because the pain was too much. She too could not bear it. She called me that she was joking but something in me remains unconvinced. So I started preparing my mind, just in case. I would have been home by now but something has been keeping me here since January. Besides, I have been having this strong feeling of pending danger that has to do with my relationship with her. On the 17th of last month, I called her to discuss these feelings with her. She made me promise not to delete her details from my contacts since she can’t stand without communicating with me. She went on to confirm the earlier story of her engagement as well as the preparation her parents are putting in place. She made it appear as if she was under pressure to marry. Agatha, she is just 23 and still in school. She is a 300 level student while I am 25. I asked if she is all right with the situation, she said yes, especially as I wasn’t ready to settle down. She said since I was ready, she had to move on. When I first learnt she wanted to get married, I persuaded her like you suggested in my previous letter to you that she holds on till I return. We agreed we would sit to discuss. God knows I love this girl but obviously she chose someone else over me. I would have persuaded her to wait but it seems plans are now in top gear and too late for me to do anything about the marriage since they have already gone for marriage counselling. I am used to her. She wants me to forget her. From all indications she has moved on long ago. She is obviously feeling pity for me because in my five years abroad, I did her no wrong. Before the advent of BB, I was calling her regularly thrice a week, and when the BB technology became a common place, I was always in touch with her at anytime of the day. She wants us to continue as friends, but it isn’t easy for me. Talking to her is like opening old wounds. I don’t want to appear like a bad loser but she is my source of joy. The thought of her in another man’s arm is killing me softly. Agatha please I need your wise counsel. Broken Guy. Dear Broken Guy, Only one relationship among the many we enter in to will end up in marriage. Some happen to teach basic lessons of life while others happen out of our foolishness or inexperience. Besides, every relationship comes with a unique package intended to light our way through the next one. Whenever a relationship goes bad, it is meant to educate us on the mistakes to avoid in our next effort. You dated this lady for close to a decade. You thought you will end up as an item but God has other plans for both of you. From all indices, you both put in a lot of efforts into making this end in the way you wanted, but other things happened to derail all your plans for each other. A lot of your problems are inexperience related. There is no way at your age you can conduct long distance relationship successfully. At the time you left the country, both of you lacked the experience to deal with the reality of long distance relationship. Most of what you felt, thought, and planned were based more on idealism rather than reality. You were just 20 while she was only 18 at the time you left the country. At her age then, the idea of having a boyfriend abroad was appealing and something to boast about among her friends. But as she grew older, cynicism from friends, aided by fears of her time ticking away changed some of her views about the relationship as well as the sincerity of your words and feelings for her. The fact that you only came back once in those five years further reinforced the sense of insecurity she was beginning to feel about the whole relationship. Between the time you left and now she has grown from a teenager into a young woman who should be thinking of her future and getting serious with a man in her life. Being so far away, you couldn’t offer her the security her situation was beginning to demand. No doubt you tried through constant telephone conversations to assure her of your love but in this instance she wanted more than mere words from you. She needed your physical presence to do the talking for you and deal with all the doubts that were being planted in her mind by friends whose boyfriends were present. Even though she may not have said it, she certainly had her doubts, about your fidelity towards the relationship. Being a man and very far away from her, nothing in her opinion was stopping you from having another girlfriend there. Doubtless, with the kinds of heartbreaking stories told by those who have ventured into distant relationships tell about their experiences, she won’t be the first to worry about the sincerity of the man she had only seen once in the five years he has left her. At the time she called to ask for your plans, she wanted something different from what you have been telling her since you left. She wanted you to come up with something more concrete, the kind of plans that will shelter her in your love. When it appeared as if you were stalling, undecided on how to proceed with the relationship, her alarm bells went up forcing her to take another look at her options and offers. She didn’t want to lose at both ends Granted, she may not love this man as she loved you or desired you, but he has more applicable plans and above all was physical within her reach. At least, with him she could tell where she stood. There is little or nothing you can do at this point. Whatever you think of her decision doesn’t matter anymore. She now belongs to another man; therefore you must let go and force yourself to love another woman. Many men and women before you have had to deal with the emotional pains of seeing a loved one go for good. It is all part of human history and experiences. You will get over it like all the others before you did. Heartbreaks don’t last forever, there will always be another person ready to mend the heart as long as you are wise enough to avoid making the same mistakes. Now you know that it is wrong to go into any serious relationship unless you have the time and presence of mind to execute it. Leaving a woman alone for five years is like imprisonment. Until you are ready don’t promise a woman something you cannot easily give her, especially attention. The mind of a woman desires the awareness of the man in her life. She wants to be complimented and appreciated by her man at all times. The moment this is missing in her life, she becomes insecure and fearful of her position in the life of the man. This is why you must be free to love your woman in the different ways she wants you in her life. It is the only way to avoid the pains of watching another man, take your place in the life of your woman. As for this lady, allow her be. It is too late for you to do anything. Good luck.

He wants love-making spiced with new styles

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I need your help urgently. My husband and I are Christians. We both grew up in strong Christian homes and members of the same church. I actually married him as a virgin. Our marriage is five years’ old. Sometime last year, I noticed a sort of restlessness in my husband. He began to demand for new ways of making love. Some of them were very odd to me. I refused him and at a time threatened to report him to the church authority. That stopped him from putting the pressures on me. However since then, he hasn’t come near me. It has been six months now. I fear if nothing is done, I may lose him to another woman with the way things are going between us. I am not that naïve. My husband is the kind of man who loves sex. But I am worried about one thing. One of his requests was for oral sex; a practice I know is not biblical. Despite not knowing how to go about placating him, is oral sex recommended especially for us as Christians? Our church is against it. Please help me. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, What does the Bible say about the position of the husband in the home? What does the church say about the wife; her role in the home and husband’s life? Your Bible like mine harps on the headship of the man in the home front. Therefore, as your head, he has the right to ask while your duty is to give. Besides, the Bible also stresses the need for wisdom to succeed in marriages. As Christians, whose law is more powerful — that of the Bible or the church? You have to make the choice of what is important to you in life. It is either you go along with your husband’s desires or go with what the church wants. Your husband has made his position very clear; the choice is yours to make. It is either you negotiate peace at home on his terms or mortgage peace in your home simply because you want to do what the pastor says. Most times, what pastors say and what the Bible teaches aren’t the same. In the first place, it isn’t the business of the pastor or church to teach married couples what kind of sexual styles to adopt. The business of the church is to teach morals to both young and old; not how married couples should find their sexual harmony. To risk your marriage simply because a pastor is declaring his or her personal opinion on a matter that is very fundamental to the sustenance of marriage is to throw away the basis of your union. What you and your partner do in the privacy of your bedroom is your concern and not that of any other person. What would happen if your husband decides to marry another woman who can give him what he wants in the bedroom? Will the pastor marry your or the church force him to stay with you? What if he impregnates another woman? What would be your gain and story? What kind of stories will you tell your children, family and friends are the cause of break-up in your home? A marriage is an everlasting journey; one that requires so many sacrifices to make it work. If your husband is the kind of man that loves sex, you must learn to flow in the same realm else, you open your doors for another woman to take over. God that created sex knows the importance of it to the human mind and being. That is why He instructed it to be done within the walls of marriage. He knows its potency hence instructed the man and woman in the union of marriage not to deny each other the pleasure of sex. You broke this important rule by turning down your husband’s desires. If he decides to seek solace in the arms of another woman, the same pastor you are trying to please will be the first to deny and condemn your actions because the Bible is very clear on this matter. And, if he hasn’t asked you for sex for six months, it can only mean one thing, that someone else is already giving him that which you refused to. This is particularly so because he loves sex. I am sure the danger of this isn’t lost on you. If you don’t act fast to make amends, do something extraordinary to attract him back, you may just wake up and find another woman in your home as the new madam. Unfortunately that which, you should have done in stages and with his cooperation, you now have to fast-track on your own. Sex is the most delicate subject in every marriage. Once the chemistry is not properly mixed, it becomes the cancer eating into the binding fabric of the marriage. Sex in a marriage isn’t dirty, rather, it is very beautiful and special. Only people with uneducated minds, project sex as being evil and dirty. Sex has multifunctional roles to play in the development of a marriage as well as in the lives of the couple. One of the greatest things sex does is to fuse two people into one. When a couple has a really balanced sex life, you could almost tell from the way they think alike, look out for each other, are tender to their children and willingness to make extra sacrifices for each other. It makes the couple glow from within and brings about an ambience of peace in and around the couple. By denying your husband of his desires, how do you propose to grow your marriage to the level of absolute trust, loyalty and friendship? Like everything in life, we have to constantly upgrade for better results and satisfaction. Sex isn’t an exception. Every couple must from time to time upgrade sex between them else the marriage becomes stale and unexciting. Variations in sex are what keep the engine wheels of a marriage well lubricated. Eating a particular food every time can be very boring. Life shouldn’t be predictable. Sex is fun hence it needs different constant ideas to make it a pleasure each time a couple goes on an expedition. Therefore, you must fight for your home and husband by reading books on how to improve sex in a marriage. You don’t have to like the positions he is asking for. The important thing is to work yourself into it. Remember your happiness is not negotiable. If having oral sex with your husband is what would make him come back home to you, do yourself a favour by doing it. There is nobody that can live your marriage for you. The power to make your union happy is now in your hands. Good luck.

My son-in-law blames me for my daughter’s bad behaviour

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve this crisis in my daughter’s marriage. My eldest daughter has been married for 12 years. She is blessed with four children but from all I have witnessed in her home, she is not a happy woman. Her husband, just like her father did to me, is unforgiving, arrogant and selfish. He doesn’t care about my daughter in the way a man should. He seems to think money is everything. He is never there for his children. It is so painful because I experienced all that she is going through in my own marriage. The only difference is that he is paying his children’s school fees while my husband didn’t even bother about our happiness and welfare. The funny thing is that he is always accusing my daughter of being arrogant and rude to him. I am a teacher. I brought my children up to be fearless; besides, my experience in the hands of their father has taught them to be independent as well as determined to protect their hearts from being hurt. As a woman you know how it is with children. Nobody sits them down to teach them how to react to a situation. I guess my struggles in the hands of their father influenced them a lot. My son-in-law is of the opinion that I haven’t really been fair to him; he is now blaming me for the way my daughter is behaving and has told me to my face that I am always supporting my daughter against him even when it is obvious to everyone that my daughter is rude to him. Given what I went through in the process of training and seeing my children succeed, there is no way I will ever support any man maltreating my daughter. I had enough of that in my time. And I have never hidden this from him. The latest is as usual, I went to my daughter’s house in response to her distress call on the latest challenges she was having with her husband. Since he wasn’t at home when I got there, I decided to wait for him. He came back at about 9 p.m. Despite seeing me in the living room, he greeted me casually and walked away. He didn’t bother to come out again even when I sent my daughter to inform him of the reason for my visit. The next thing I heard is his angry voice yelling at my daughter to pack out of the house if she so desires; that he is a man of his own and would not allow his home or himself to be pushed around. I couldn’t stomach the insults so I walked into their bedroom since they were already fighting only for him to turn to me in anger. He said I was the one ruining his home and that I should leave his home first thing in the morning. That night, I left to book myself into a hotel not far from their house. Now my daughter has packed out; her father and everyone else say I mislead her. I am fed up because I never prayed for this. Her mother-in-law also says I should keep and teach my daughter some manners especially on how to talk to people. Even though I don’t know how I am to be blame for all these, how do I make her go back to her husband and children? Adebisi Dear Adebisi, You allowed your experiences to blind you to the faults of your daughter. You blindly supported your daughter to the ruins of her home. You may have had the best intentions for her but your handling of the matter worsened the situation between your daughter and her husband. As an adult, you didn’t provide her with the benefit of your experience beyond the hurt you suffered from your own husband whose house you obviously are still in. You should have taught your daughter the secret of your staying power in her father’s house despite everything you went through. Your pains and disappointment in your own marriage unwittingly made you the third party in your daughter’s marriage. Granted, mothers don’t teach their children how to respond to a situation but it is the duty of every mother to protect her children’s future and homes from ruins. When your daughter started manifesting this trait of stubbornness, disregard for men and rudeness to the authority of the man at home, you should have called her to order, reminding her that if you are still in her father’s house, she should do everything humanly possible to manage the shortcomings of her man. No woman, who is rude and disrespectful to the authority of her man, will last in his house. That you went into their room uninvited to register your anger at what the man said about you to your daughter, really fingers you as the major problem in that marriage. You don’t order your son-in-law around. It isn’t done. He had the boldness to disdain you because you are lacking in respect for his person. Respect begets respect. Your place is in your husband’s house where you can play court, not in his house where your daughter is the mistress and not you. The lesson you didn’t teach your daughter is what is affecting her relationship with her husband. At the point you heard them in that hot exchange, you should have sent your daughter a text message to keep quiet and not go into trading words with her husband. As an elderly woman, that words you heard were enough to alert you into a pending danger; the kind that would implicate you as the source of all the problems in your daughter’s marriage. Whether you like it or not, you are trying to use your daughter’s marriage to avenge your own pains and disappointment. Unfortunately the target is an innocent man, who doesn’t understand what you went through or witnessed what your husband did to you. If you have a son whose mother-in-law is behaving like you, how would you react? That this man’s mother hasn’t come to personally throw your daughter’s things out before now shows that he must have kept his family out of his marriage. A good mother stands behind her son-in-law or daughter-in-law against her child. It is the only way to secure the marital happiness of her child. Coming to your daughter’s house each time she complains about her husband gave her the impetus to continue to misbehave. A man is the head of his home. He dictates how he wants things in his house. You are the least person to tell your son-in-law how to manage his home. Patience should have been your advice to your daughter each time she reported her man to you. If you weren’t patient, enduring, selfless in your own travails, you would have since left your home for another woman to take over. In your interest pray, your son-in-law is responsible enough not to bring in another woman to take care of him and his children. If he does that, you would have finally driven your daughter out of her home forever. Now that she is back, it is essential you debrief her properly. Teach her how to be a good wife and mother; the kind that puts the interest of her husband and children first; the woman who is willing to make the sacrifice for the peace of her home. The first thing to do is to teach her how not to talk back to her husband and how to keep you or anyone else out of their marriage. All her husband is asking for is respect. Once he has it, he will also be willing to accord everybody that has to do with her the same kind of respect. Also, it is essential you tell her the difference between her father and husband. If she has any issue with the way her father treated you and her siblings, she shouldn’t take it out on her husband. He is innocent of this judgment you and your daughter have sentenced him to. One way you can help her is to change your attitude towards your own husband by forgiving him of any wrong he did to you in the past. Begin to accord him the respect he deserves as a man. This way your daughter will learn from you. Prevail on your husband to send for your son-in-law as you have forfeited your right to arbitrate on this matter. If you can swallow your pride, go to see his mother. Appeal to her to talk to her son; if there is anyone who can make him change his mind, it is his mother. Assure her you will never be a problem to them again and that you have really talked to your daughter on how to behave from now on. As a mother, you need also to go on your knees for God’s intervention in your life as well as your daughter’s. Only a true spirit of forgiveness can change the ambiance of things around you. Invest love in your life and those of your children. This is very important to the joy of your children. Good luck.

How do I tell aunty her husband raped my younger sister?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My younger sister and I are the only surviving children of our parents who died when we were young. I was 20 while my younger sister was just 15 years of age when our parents died. Fortunately I was already in my third year at the university. My boyfriend and other friends rallied round me to ensure I didn’t drop out of school. My aunty, the youngest of my mother’s siblings, immediately took over my sister. Although she was just five years older than me, she didn’t allow the vacuum created by the deaths of our parents affect us. She was and is still always there for us. She was also willing to take on my responsibilities but I discouraged her. When she insisted, I had no choice but to tell her about my boyfriend’s offer. But that didn’t stop her from sending me money on monthly basis. She didn’t get married until my younger sister was in her second year at the university. To everyone she was our elder sister, not our aunty. Among all our uncles and aunties, she was the one we could tell anything. My sister was her chief bride’s maid at her wedding. That was how close they were. Her first child is the carbon copy of my younger sister. But of recent, I noticed that my sister has been avoiding going to her house. My aunty too has called severally to ask if anything was wrong but I couldn’t give her answers. I know my sister that she doesn’t do anything without a reason, and I know my aunty she is angel in human skin. She doesn’t joke with us. She is ever so protective of us, which is why I didn’t understand why my sister, who is her favourite, should be avoiding her. When it was becoming something of concern to my aunty, I had to pin my sister down for information. It was then the truth came out. The husband of our aunty raped her while she was asleep in her room. Although he promised it will never happen again and that he was under the influence of alcohol, the fact that he did it at all is enough to send my sister away from the house. I didn’t doubt her because once or twice I have sighted him with different women going into a guesthouse. He doesn’t know that the guesthouse he often patronises is on the street my best friend lives. She is understandably afraid of him, but my aunty doesn’t understand my sister’s reason for staying away from her place. My sister too is hurting because she loves our aunty and the children very much. The bond between the two of them is very strong. When one of them is down, the other one seems to know immediately. My aunty knows something terrible happened to my sister in her house but she cannot say precisely. I don’t know what to do about this. How do I resolve this? I have a mind of telling my aunty about her husband, but that will be destroying her home. I am confused. Jibike. Dear Jibike, Tempting as it is, don’t be the harbinger of bad news to this woman who has been more than a mother to you and your sister. This is something you and your sister must take to your grave. Even if she gets to find out from other sources, don’t let her know anything about what her husband did to your sister or your knowledge of the other women in his life. Chances are she knows but like many women in her shoes is pretending not to know. Nobody likes to admit making a mistake in the choice of a spouse. Marriage is a humbling experience. It teaches patience and endurance at every level. Besides, what would she achieve by leaving him? She will only be making it possible for another woman to take her place. Many women make the decision to stay in some difficult marriages because of their children. She can still face the world if she keeps thinking nobody is aware of what she is going through. She will simply break into pieces if she knows that you both know about her husband’s weakness. As for what her husband did to your sister; there is no undoing that. It is painful and very regrettable. But cutting her off isn’t also a solution. Chances are from what she told you, she suspects what may have caused her favourite niece to abandon her home. The only thing is, she is struggling with believing her intuition. She stepped into your lives when you both needed her the most. Sending your sister to school and giving you pocket money every month must have cost her so much. At 25, she was too young then for the responsibilities of caring for two children, but she did, not minding the discomfort, sacrifice and things she had to give up for your success in life. You are like her first set of children, your sister she took in at the tender age of 15 especially. This is the kind of sacrifice this situation is also calling you both to make for her. Your sister cannot afford to turn her back on her now irrespective of what the husband did to her. It is a matter of timing her visits to avoid meeting the man at home. Given the lifestyle of your uncle, this should be easy to achieve. Your sister can divert her attention from the real issue by blaming her schoolwork or new boyfriend for her distraction. The important thing is to assure your aunty that nothing is wrong. For a young woman who elected to shoulder the responsibilities of two other young adults, she will always be worried about the success of her efforts. She may not say it. Don’t forget that there may be one or two persons in the family looking for signs of failure or disagreement between the three of you – something for them to mock her effrontery at her single-handed efforts at bringing you up. Your aunty appears to be a very smart lady. It won’t take her long to guess the reason for your sister’s attitude if she prolongs her visit to her house. If you aren’t married, you could offer to go with her to spend the weekend with your aunty and her children. And since the children are on vacation, they can come over to your place for a little holiday. This way, your aunty will not feel so abandoned or worried about the situation anymore. Beyond repairing the relationship between you and your aunty, there is the need for you to confront your uncle-in-law by letting him know you are aware of what he did to your sister as well as his other affairs. Tell him while you will not do anything to jeopardise his home, you will however not sit back and watch him toy with the emotions of your aunty or sister for that matter. Threaten to deal decisively with him, the next time he attempts to lay a finger on your younger sister when next she comes to stay with your aunty. Make him aware that you decided not to act on what he did to your sister because you don’t want to cause a scandal for him in the family. And you will not be so generous if the situation repeats itself either with your sister or anybody close to the family. Drop the hint that you might be forced to let his employers know he is a rapist if he doesn’t change his way. Men who use force on women to get their way are always afraid of exposure. Above all, you and your sister must never do anything to make your aunty unhappy. No matter the situation, always think of other ways to keep the family she struggled to build together. Bear in mind that you and your sister are more than her nieces – you have become her first set of children. And irrespective of her husband’s attitude, she remains the leader of your team. I understand your sister’s reluctance to go to that house given what happened to her but she is also hurting the one person who cares about her so much. This is what should always be uppermost in her mind as well as yours. Good luck.