Lion share of dad’s property opens my life to danger

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate this isn’t the kind of problem you solve. But I don’t have anywhere to go to. Like I mentioned in my text message to you a month ago, you are my role model, hence my decision to come to you. I live in Port Harcourt. I am the last child of my father and the first child of my mother. My father married my mother a year after he officially divorced his first wife. According to what I heard, he found her in the arms of another man right in his living room. Unfortunately, my mother couldn’t give him another child after she had me, but they were very happy together. My father passed on two years ago and my mother who was so miserable after the death of her husband, died a month after his burial. They were very close, so it didn’t come as a surprise to me when she couldn’t cope without her husband. She didn’t hide her desire to join her husband, immediately he died. Through the help of my father’s associates, I was able to complete my education. I am currently doing my masters programme. Late last year, my father’s Will was read. In it, he gave me and his second child from his first marriage the lion shares of his estate. He actually willed the bulk of his fortune to me: his houses, business and stock to me. His largest investment, he gave to my mother. Giving reasons for his decision to leave my mother, his second child and I his estate, he said, he doubted the paternity of his other children. He mandated the lawyer and executors of his estate to insist on a DNA test before they can inherit what he left for them. He also added a clause, to give me what he left for them, if they fail the test. This is where my problem started. While all the other children are united against me, determined to fight me with whatever means, including using assassins to eliminate me, my father’s immediate younger brother, who believes he is entitled to my father’s wealth has joined forces with them to fight me. One of my father’s friends who stood out to fight them is today down with a strange illness that daily defies solution. My mother, an Auchi woman, came with her aunty to Port Harcourt when she was just 10 years of age. They didn’t go back. According to her mother, her parents died during the civil war. The aunty she came with was her mother’s only sister. Unfortunately, this aunty didn’t marry so I really don’t have anybody from her side to run to. The kinds of nightmare I am having since the Will was read are frightening. The funny thing is that they are not concealing their identity from me. I don’t know what to do. My friends and the lawyer insist I fight for my rights – that they only want to frighten me off my rights. But the latest thing is a strange man breaking into my home armed. I don’t know what happened because at the point he was poised to kill me, he changed his mind. He told me to leave the house for the time being because those who sent him would get someone else to do it. My friends insist I involve the Police but I don’t want the matter more complicated than it is since they are my only family. I want to go to them to see if there is a way we can avoid killing ourselves over this property issue. The other members of the family have told my uncle, who is supporting them to desist from his course of action, but he is insisting I cheated him out of my father’s inheritance. Their mother too is backing them in this fight, claiming she worked with my father to make all these things possible. I am just 23 years of age. I am so confused and lonely. Please help me. Ese Dear Ese, Dead people don’t worry about property. If you die today, someone else will inherit the things left behind by your father. I empathise with you but when dealing with people, who are unreasonable, desperate and as well determined to do anything, it is always best to avoid such persons. There is no way they will ever agree to the Will left behind by your father because they see themselves as the rightful heir to his estate. Unless by divine intervention, they will always gang up against you because not only are you from another woman but obviously the favourite of your father going by the way he distributed his property. Therefore going to them is an exercise in futility. The worst kinds of battles to fight in life are those that have to do with blood relatives as well as those involving landed property. Whether one is right or wrong, such battles never get settled unless a life or more go for it. Do you want to lose your life over something, which at the end of the day isn’t important? These things may have become yours now but have you also stopped to reflect on the fact that the original owner, your father, who spent his energy, time and life working for these things, is dead? Also, the fact that their own mother is alive will never make them listen to you. As a matter of fact, she is the one using her children to fight this battle because she sees it as her chance to get even with your father, mother and you. Hell has no fury like a scorned woman. Your father humiliated her by not only leaving her to marry your mother, but also announcing to the world his reason for doing that. You and your mother represent an opened wound in her life and until she sees the end of you, her wound will never heal. Added to this is the clause your father left that the paternity of her three children be investigated. Even from the grave your father is still dealing with her; making it impossible for her to bury her shame silently. If nothing else, she will stop at nothing to hurt your father too in his grave. Knowing he loved you more than her children, the only way to get back her pound of flesh is to deal with you. In her current state of mind, she doesn’t care what it will cost her to terminate your life. The example of the strange illness of your father’s friend as well as the armed man that broke into your house are clear indications of how far she is prepared to go to actualise her claims. She is beyond reasoning at least, not in her current state of mind. Going to the Police will only make things messier for you. The combination of your stepmother and uncle is too strong for you to battle on your own. Your late parents would not want you to give up your life defending their property. If they could amass such wealth, nothing says you cannot do better than them in life. Many great and famous people started out with nothing. Only those who think they lack what it takes to make a success of their lives go to the extent your siblings and uncle are going. The sensible thing is for you to live the administration of the Will in the hands of the executors until all these troubles blow over. If you can, leave the country to a place where you can have the presence of mind to finish your studies and establish yourself. At any rate, everything in life is transient; nothing is ever permanent. God is the only everlasting person in life. Even if you live for a century, one day the property will still pass on to another person. None of you involved in this battle will live forever. Today they are in a position to oppress you but it could be your turn tomorrow to have the upper hand. He who runs away to fight another day is the wiser person, not that the one that stays to fight and die a needless death. It doesn’t matter if you are called a fool; what matters is what becomes of you later in life. There is also the possibility that some people too are hiding under the misunderstanding among members of the family to ensure the lack of peace in your family. Unless you do the adult thing of leaving, the truth will never be revealed. Importantly, learn to pray and get very close to God because He sees and knows everything. It is the only way for you to stay alive to tell this story and give the credit of your life to God. Good luck.

What can I do to bed my friend’s wife?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in love with my friend’s wife. Since the day my friend introduced me to his wife, I haven’t stopped dreaming about her. I met her a year ago when my friend invited my wife and I to his house to celebrate the 10th birthday of his first daughter. Something moved deeply in me when she smiled at me. I couldn’t stop comparing her, as we all sat down discussing, with my wife, who looked like the fabled duckling beside her, Twice, I have paid her visit when I know her husband isn’t in town, but beyond the courtesy of being my hostess, I could be dead for all she cares. The last time she came to our office to see her husband I was in his office. She barely looked my way throughout after the first exchange of pleasantries. From what my friend says about his wife, he is her world just like he appears to be. Unlike some of us, he doesn’t womanise even when he has a reason to come out for some drinks with the boys. He tells us that there is nothing he is lacking in his wife. The pride he talks about her makes me more determined to have her. It is getting to a very dangerous dimension for me. I am even ready to do away with my wife to marry her. At nights, I have wet dreams from dreaming and imagining what she would look like without cloths. I am even avoiding my wife because of all the kinds of thoughts and dreams that now occupy my mind. How do I go about this? I feel she is the woman for me. I want her so badly. Godwin. Dear Godwin, There is this saying that when a child falls he gets up and continues with his walk, but when an old man falls he looks back to see first the reason for his fall and to see who witnessed his fall. Look back into the past to what happened to all the men who stole the wives of other men – including David in the Bible. None of them escaped the wrath of God. They all suffered public disgrace in various degrees. How can you want another man’s wife so badly? Is there a draught of single and willing women ready to do your bidding as long as the price is right? If every man goes about thirsty for another man’s wife, what will happen to the marriage institution? What kind of friend are you? Despite the very low opinion you have of your wife, would you be happy if anyone tries to steal her from you? How do you want the world to remember you in history if this deadly desire of yours comes into the open? It isn’t done. This woman is married to your colleague and friend. He invited you to celebrate with his family at home because he saw you as a friend, one he can trust. Don’t do anything to betray the trust of a man who opened his home and the hearts of his family to you. No decent man goes after the wife of his friend no matter what. Even if she is the one asking for you to take her to bed, the law of decency forbids you to take up her offer because it is not everybody this man calls his friend. The word ‘friend’ is an embodiment of everything good that life has to offer. It means, this man trust you with everything that is important to him. What kind of friend backstabs his friend? What kind of friend plans sorrow for his friend? A man’s wife is his life, honour and pride. Unless you plan to kill him, stay away from this family before your ill-conceived feelings destroys the trust and harmony between this couple. This couple doesn’t need your kind of friendship. They are clearly better off without you in their lives. If the woman isn’t too friendly with you, it is because she can sense something her husband is clearly blind to. In her own way, she is sending out a warning, the kind you should not ignore if you are wise. Going to her house when her husband isn’t at home has her on the alert. In the first instance, you are not the kind of friend who should be visiting her when her husband is out of town or out of the house going by the time of your first acquaintance. If you know what is good for you and bothered about the effects this scandal will have on your person and family, fight the temptation. Even if you must have an extra-marital affair, do it with a single woman, not a married woman and certainly not one married to your colleague and friend. Dreaming about making love to her when you should be romancing your wife, improving on the relationship between the two of you isn’t right. You have allowed your lust for this woman get the best of you. How will you explain it to your wife if you mistakenly call out her name during intimacy with your wife? Dreaming about her, visualising her naked body next to yours is dangerous for everyone concerned. Unless your motive is to cause a major problem in her marriage that would make her husband drive her out of the house, resist this dangerous thought of yours. Even if you haven’t done anything with her, you are debasing this woman spiritually. She hasn’t done anything to encourage the type of things you are imagining about her. She is someone’s wife and mother. You have your own wife. This is pure covetousness; the reason men become killers or became fetish. No matter how beautiful this woman is, is she worth your soul or the destruction of everything you believe in? Have you bothered to think of all those lives you will be destroying along with yours if you don’t put a stop to this? Even if your wife’s feelings mean nothing to you what about your children’s? The worst thing that can happen to a man is to lose the respect of his children. What kinds of stories will you tell your children if this whole thing blows up in your face? Will you ever have the moral justification to stand before your children? Will you ever be able to command their respect again? How will you feel as a man if you perceive your wife to be interested in another man or envisioning another man while with you in the bedroom? It is the height of disrespect and disregard for the person of your wife as well as the sanctity of your marriage. It isn’t until you have slept with another woman that you commit adultery. The fact that you are picturing it in your mind is enough. There will always be a better woman or man than our spouses but responsibility is knowing when to draw the line between mere appreciation for one’s natural looks and lust. There is really no harm in appreciating the look of this woman but it becomes something else when you want to steal her from her husband and family and in the process destroy her happiness for your own selfish reasons. The reasonable thing to do is to help your wife become better; that is if true there are one or two things you don’t like about her. Start by talking to her about the issues or things you don’t like about her instead of plotting on how to steal another man’s wife. Every marriage needs help to become better. There is always a way if there is a will. You can at the end of the day, use this situation to improve on your relationship with your wife. God may have brought this woman to open your eyes to the neglect of your wife. That you described her as an ugly duckling underlines your indifference to her. The beauty that attracted you to this woman, she owes to the peace her husband is giving her in the home. A woman’s state of mind is always reflected in her face. When a woman is happy at home and with her life, she glows and blossoms and when the story is otherwise, she becomes sad, jumpy and ugly. This woman’s appearance would become like that of your wife if her husband treats her the way you are treating yours. Therefore, listen to your wife. Address whatever is making her uncomfortable as a woman, wife and mother. Give her the kind of support your friend is giving his wife to radiate. If you devote yourself to being a good husband, before long, that shine and peace you noticed in your friend’s wife will also be visible on the face and mien of your wife. That woman is the better side of her husband; give your wife the opportunity to also be the better part of you. Good luck.

I love no one like her, but she’s indecisive

With Agatha EdoEmail: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Let me use this medium to appreciate you for saving so many people from the challenges of our day-to-day relationships. I am 30 years of age, dating a lady who is in her 20s. Although not more than 25 years of age, she however behaves as if she is older than she really is. I met her when she was seeking admission into the university. For six months we dated until she called me one night to ask for suspension of the relationship. She said she needed time to sort out some private issues. I insisted she must tell me why she needed the break but she refused, all she said was she would tell me her reason after it was all over. She also assured I would appreciate her reason. As a result, we didn’t communicate for a good year. She later secured admission into the Federal University of Technology, Yola, Adamawa State. That is where she is currently living and schooling while I live and work in Abuja. Incidentally, the day and time I decided to call her was also when she made the decision to call me. Our calls clashed; I withdrew mine for hers to come through. When I asked, if she had come back to stay she said, it was a possibility. But from that day we continued from where we stopped. She later confessed that she left me for a year to enable her read and pass her O level papers. She said her love for me was becoming so much of a problem for her that if she didn’t ask for the break then, she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on passing her papers. According to her, now that she is back, she can handle her studies and our relationship. Things have been going on very well since October, last year until she stopped calling me. But I continued and each time I call her, she tells me she is missing me but because of the distance between us, the passion and feelings that she has for me have gone down. She said, she no longer has feelings for me. Last week, I asked her to marry me when she is on her industrial training but she said she wished she could develop enough love to agree with my proposal because I have been so good to her. She went on to say any time she makes the move to call me, something will prevent her from doing so, saying it wasn’t important. Agatha I love this girl. The distance between us is responsible for this situation. She swore to me that she isn’t involved with any other man and isn’t under any kind of pressure. How do I win her love back? Even though she says she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, she admits liking me a lot as well as expressed the hope that she could come to love me as much as she did again. I have prayed for someone else, but I haven’t found anyone. What do I do to save my relationship with this lady? Worried Guy. Dear Worried Guy, If you think this lady is worth having in your life, you must be ready to make the sacrifice needed to salvage the relationship. The distance between you and this lady is the effort it will take you to book a flight ticket to Adamawa State or to the nearest airport to the place. It isn’t as if you are millions of mile apart; you live in the same country, so what is preventing you from going over to see her and discuss things over? Not every relationship can survive the coldness of telephone calls especially if the relationship is still in its nascent stage. She may really love you, but it is obvious that she cannot cope at all with the loneliness; or the absence of her man for as long as a year. You work hence can afford to pay your way to see her. Relationship is about making sacrifices. Even if it is for a weekend, go over to discuss with her. From what you have said, she is indeed a very honest young lady. With her level of maturity and honesty, both of you should not have any problem whatsoever sorting things out. Besides, you also need to see where she lives as well as the kinds of friends she keeps. Be part of her life now that she needs the presence of her man by her side. One thing is to be in love another thing is to have the chance to build memories. Even if at the end of the day, she insists on going on with her plans to quit, it will be on record that you tried your best to arrest the downwards slide of your relationship. The truth is that every woman wants to be pampered by the man in her life. If you aren’t making the efforts to visit her while you both are in the country, what will happen when one of you is out? One mistake you made was not to go over the first time she asked for a break. Any man who cares so much about his woman would have taken the step of going over to find out what the problem really was. And when you both decided to come back together, you still didn’t think it proper to pay her a visit to seal up any wound the year-long separation may have caused. No matter how mature she is as a person, she is first and foremost a human being and a woman. She may not be able to put her hand on the specifics for now but your seemingly indifference may be the reason for her decision. Seeing her will help both of you dig into the real matter of her falling out of love with you. It isn’t normal. There is clearly something you are both glossing over which you are both ignoring or, which you are both pretending is a normal thing. Good luck.

How do I tell my wife I impregnated our neighbour

With Agatha EdoEmail: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Before I make this confession, let me say this; I love my wife and wouldn’t deliberately do anything to hurt her or our marriage. It is just that I couldn’t control what I am about to share with you. I honestly really didn’t plan for things to happen this way. Downstairs in our block of flat lives this extremely beautiful lady. She is a single mother of a young teenager. I am a full-fledged male. Not that she did anything to encourage me or the other men in our compound but from their looks, anytime she steps out of her flat, I know they all want her as much as I do. She was too put together for me; not the kind of woman, you could easily walk up to but there was this day I was passing and noticed that her meter was emitting smoke. She wasn’t at home, only her young child and the house-help. I had to use the fire extinguisher in my car to control the fire. Since my younger brother also worked with Power Holding Corporation of Nigeria (PHCN), I called him to help rectify the fault. I honestly didn’t have any ulterior motive for doing what I did after all, if I didn’t, the fire would have spread to the whole house. For the first time since she moved into the house, that night she came upstairs to thank me. She didn’t meet me but she left a message with my wife who passed on the message. Since then, she became more friendly towards me. The next time, it was her turn to assist me. My car developed a very sudden fault on the day I had a very important meeting at work. She was also going out at about the same time. Seeing my agitations, she offered to drive me to work. Not only did she drop me at my work in time for the meeting, she also offered to pick me as her office was just a street away from mine. That was how we became close. One thing led to the other and we became an item. Subconsciously I began to compare my wife’s way of dressing to hers. Like I told you, I love my wife but she is always careless with her dressing; not mindful of how a good dress sense can spur a man to action. Although I have always done my best to draw her attention to this obvious flaw in her, she is forever looking for excuses to justify her sudden poor dress sense shortly after she had our two children. I have always liked her cute and fashionable. I guess her decision to attend a different church, Mountain of Fire, made her change from who she was to who she is now, but deep down, I have never failed to mourn the death of her once vibrant dress sense. So, having a woman who knows how to dress with a good sense of fun was refreshingly different from what goes on now in my marriage. I didn’t know how we both got careless. But she is currently four months pregnant. It must have escaped her because she fainted while we were out on a lunch date with some friends. It was in the hospital that she discovered she was four months gone. Without even giving me time to digest the information or ponder over it, she told the doctor, she wanted an abortion. But he declined saying the position of the fetus makes it dangerous for any doctor to attempt an abortion. He also mentioned something about her delicate womb. Two other doctors said the same things. She has decided to relocate to London to have this baby. According to her, she doesn’t want the scandal that will follow if my wife gets to find out. She is also worried about the implication on her own life since her first child’s father is also a married man. I don’t know how to handle this woman as well as my wife. I am not irresponsible to deny my own child as she wants me to. She wants me to forget everything about the child and face my marriage. How can I do that? I may not be the perfect husband but it is simply against anything I believe in to deny a child I contributed to bringing into this world. How do I make a balance between my home and this situation? Albert. Dear Albert, You are the one at the centre of it all. You know your wife more than anybody just as you know what your marriage can and cannot endure. But one thing is for sure; your wife has to be told about this child to prevent your marriage from collapsing when someone else tells her about this child. She deserves to know the truth. Bitter as the truth maybe to her, still she has the right to know because that child will one day come back to look for his or her father. The story won’t be so easy to tell by then and it would cause a lot of problems between you and your wife. This is because the veil of trust between you and your wife would have been seriously damaged beyond repairs. Although, your marriage would be affected significantly by what you have done but, it can still be managed now than when a grown up child walks in to proclaim you as the father. You both still have time now on your side to control whatever injury your indiscretion would cause your wife and family. The fact that you didn’t allow her to hear the story from a third party; would make her listen to whatever explanations you have to offer. When issues become this complex in marriage, the best thing is for the man to tell the truth. Don’t hide behind any excuse; sincerely, such excuses as you gave are for now baseless. This is because you could have insisted on how you wanted your wife to look; going as far as meeting with her pastor and explaining your displeasure at the way your wife is dressing to him. No reasonable pastor would tell a married woman to ignore the desires of her husband because he would be blamed when the consequences come. The truth is that you were afraid to challenge the decision of your wife because you didn’t want to be labeled by the church as a worldly-wise husband. The lesson here is that you reserve the right to dictate what you want in your home. You were clearly not at peace with the decision of your wife to scale down her sense of fashion but you failed to make her see reasons with you. Rather than complain lamely about it, knowing how much you desired that aspect of her, you should have done everything, including telling her the implications on the marriage if she doesn’t at least consider your feelings. Had you done that, she would have had nobody to blame now for this accident but herself because it would be on record that you warned her of your weakness to well dressed women. However, hold on until the other woman has left for the sake of peace. There is no way your wife can endure seeing her without erupting. It will save all concerned the embarrassment of everybody getting involved in your marital problems as well as protect your wife from the knowing looks of some mischievous neighbours and friends. When you are telling her about this situation, tell her what you and the other woman agreed on. Don’t hold back anything from her. Fine tune discussions with the other woman on how you can contribute to the welfare of your child. And let your wife know what your financial contribution to the welfare of the child is. This is to protect you against any antics the other woman may want to display later in life. Above all, this is the time for you and your wife to resolve every outstanding issue in your marriage. It is important to the growth and survival of your union. This is the time to talk frankly about all the matters threatening to pull your marriage apart. To pretend all is well is to destroy this union beyond measure. Good luck.

Friends say I’m worse off being a virgin till wedding night

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for the positive changes you are making in the lives of people. I am a 21 years old girl and still a virgin, although determined to be a virgin until my wedding night, but I cannot cope any longer with the pressures from every man that indicates interest in having a relationship with me. They all want sex from me. Once I decline, they move on. Consequently, I am very lonely and rejected. The last relationship I had broke up as the guy started asking money from me all because I made my stand on premarital sex known to him. Secondly, my friends are frightening me with tales they tell whenever I tell them about my decision to remain a virgin until my wedding night. They say all sorts of things like: a woman has to date several men to know the right man for her. They also claim that such a woman may develop cancer of pelvis and unable to enjoy sex. They are also of the views that if I don’t engage in sex now, I will be unable to satisfy my husband in bed since I won’t know the kinds of sexual positions to adopt that will give him good pleasures. All they are saying are beginning to sound like the truth, because I really don’t have any kind of experience when it comes to sex. Please Agatha help me I’m confused. Confused Lady. Dear Confused Lady, First there is no iota of truth in all your friends are saying. Sex isn’t what points a discerning minded woman to the inherent qualities of a man. Rather, a lot depends on her focus in life. A woman without her own dream, her own plans can never be able to identify the kind of man that will help her nurture to maturity her own dreams. Therefore, you have to begin your search for your Mr. Right from your own standpoint of the kind of life you want for yourself. As a young woman, where do you want to be in the next decade? What kinds of things do you want for your children as well as marriage? What kind of man do you want? Out there are different kinds of men; some are strong willed, determined to pocket their wives, giving no room for the wife to be anything else but to their own needs and wants. These are the ones that want to be in charge completely; don’t want their women to compete with them at home. They like the old order of the man being in charge absolutely. They provide everything for the family. There are some who aren’t intimidated by the successes of their women, are comfortable allowing their women pursue their own careers or dreams. They actually go out to help their women attain good results in whatever they want to do. Yet, out there are some men who are violent, selfish, irresponsible and lacking in respect for their women. To these men the world begins and ends with them. There are some who are very caring, protective and understanding. Some are natural playboys while there are those who are strict about family values. Unless you are absolutely clear about what you want, you won’t know what to look out for in any of the men that come to ask for your hand in a relationship. Besides, sex is one way to obstruct the vision of a woman determined to make the right choice of a life partner. Sex has a way of robbing a woman of her sense of objectivity. In a way, premarital sex affects women more negatively than men. This is because women are very sentimental; once a man is able to touch the right buttons, a woman’s natural ability to thoroughly think out her options becomes blurred by the memories of their moments together. This is where a lot of women get it wrong, ending up with the wrong men and the beginning of insurmountable challenges in their homes and lives. This is why you should not be ashamed of the path you have chosen. You have the rare chance of making the right choice, looking deeper than a man’s looks, sexual ability to who the man really is. No matter how inexperienced you are, when the time comes for you to become a guru in sexual matters, you will gain the knowledge from your husband. The act of lovemaking is natural; something God has infused into our minds right from the moment we were born. It is like asking how a newborn baby acquires the knowledge of where to look for breast milk. It is primeval; nobody teaches these things. Once you have a natural sense of adventure, isn’t afraid to exploit and exercise your femininity with your husband, you and your husband will have a very fulfilling time together as couple. Besides, if a woman doesn’t measure up in the bedroom, it means that her man is a bad lover. No matter how frigid a woman is, if she finds a man who is considerate, thorough, exciting and knowledgeable of what is expected of him as the leader of the team, she will come to full bloom. Therefore, don’t worry too much about your lack of experience for now. When the time is right, your experience will come through the hands of your husband. He will bring you up to his standard. Cancer? What has it got to do with being a virgin? Sex or lack of it doesn’t cause cancer. Don’t mind them. As for the men leaving you because you refuse to sleep with them, don’t worry about them. It only shows they are after your body and not your mind. A man who is yours will first be interested in knowing whom you are, how your mind works before expressing a wish to sleep with you. The right men always have the patience to wait because they desire to spend the rest of their lives with such women. The right man will understand your reason for wanting to wait until your wedding night. Sincerely, you don’t need these kinds of friends in your life if you are really serious about wanting to keep your virginity until your wedding night. Instead you need friends, who would encourage you in your quest. The fact that they have decided on the path to follow doesn’t mean you should go with them. Insist on your way of doing things rather than allow them to influence you. At 21, learn to be strong and very determined. You still have a very long way to go. While you are not too young to have a boyfriend, don’t be ashamed to let the man know what you stand for from the beginning. Contrary to what your friends think, men respect women who know where they are headed. Telling him what you stand for from the onset gives him the choice of either to stay or go. This in turn prevents you from unnecessary heartaches associated with going into a relationship with the wrong man. How many men would a woman sleep with before she meets the right man? If at the end of giving in to the pleasures of these men and they end up not staying, what would have become of you? Women suffer more from the wear and tear of frequent and roaming sex. Being faithful to a man helps to preserve a woman’s body and dignity, whereas going through different men make her body ages quicker since all these men are bound to handle her differently. Men have this attitude of manhandling the body of a woman they have no plans to marry. So, be wise and determined in your decision. Sex isn’t the only way available for a young couple to be happy together. By abstaining from sex, you give whatever relationship you will enter into the chance to survive the odds many couples go through. This is because you will both be depending on friendship, trust, and loyalty to overcome whatever challenges your relationship will eventually be passing through. To be a virgin isn’t a curse but a pride to womanhood, Be proud of who you are at all times. Good luck.

I’ve low sperm count

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a problem of low sperm count. I have done all kinds of medical tests as well as taken all the medications prescribed for me. Unfortunately, I am yet to find a cure. Can you help me? Worried Man. Dear Worried Man, Painfully, low sperm count is one of the major causes of infertility in men. It can be caused both by ecological as well as biological factors. Since you have done series of medical examinations without recording an improvement, perhaps, you should try the alternative therapy. From my investigation, I found out it can be genetic. If you have done all there is medically to find a cure to no avail, go back to your family. If your father is still alive, go and discuss the issue with him. This isn’t time for you to be modest or keep quiet about your medical condition. More often than not, our cures escape us when we refuse to cry out about the situation we are. Unless you seek help from those ahead of you in your family, you won’t know if those before you also went through the situation and what they did to cure themselves of it. It would have been a different case, if you hadn’t gone for medical help. In some families, a trend runs through either the men or women. Unless you ask, nobody would volunteer this information because no family wants to expose its challenges to its younger members without need. The conspiracy of silence adults deploy in such instances by wise adults at not placing on the younger members of the family a burden beyond their years. Therefore, having gotten to this junction in your life where medical help appears helpless, go back to your root for the cause. It is only then you will be able to determine your next cause of action. I also found out that diet deficiencies could be a factor. Lack of nutrients like Zinc, Selenium and Vitamin C can results in low sperm count. Also the kinds of underwear a man wears can also affect the quality of the sperm he produces. Avoid tight trousers or nylon pants. This is because extreme heat in the lower region of the man can decrease the quality of the sperm he produces. Wear pure cotton and loose trousers or pants that allow air to circulate through your body. Testicles must be maintained in ambient temperature. To help you improve on the quality of your sperm, avoid smoking or drinking, if you are in the habit of doing any of these, because they are a factor. Have three days gap between ejaculations or longer to improve fertility and sperm count. Be mindful of the kinds of drugs you take, improve your blood circulation by going for exercises. Follow with plenty doses of prayers because there is nothing prayer cannot do. Good luck.

I’m a teenager in love, how do I survive long dating?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a teenager, about to finish secondary school. I have a boyfriend, a year older than I am, in a boarding school. I know you might think I’m too young to be in a relationship, but I have been able to balance my relationship and my schoolwork. We are both very brilliant and it was actually his brilliance that got me attracted to him. He wants to become a doctor and I want to study International Relations. I am ready to do anything for him, even give up my dream of studying at the University of Lagos to follow him to any university he intends to study. Now, my problem is how I am going to make our relationship last because I know it won’t be easy. Please advise me on what to do. We have spoken severally about our future and being married. Cynthia. Dear Cynthia, The teenage years are the most dreamy and idealist years of a woman’s life. This is because the teenage years form love from the perspective of romance writers. Everything is still, for you, rose coloured. The happy ever ending rhythm that runs through all the romance books pre-supposes love to mean, a woman will always end up with her first love. As a result many teenagers unwittingly interpret love to be bright, beautiful and a panorama of nature’s finest and most radiant of colours. Unfortunately, by the time many teenagers get to the reality zone of their lives, when the hormones stop playing tricks with their emotions, some would have made the most hideous mistakes of their lives. The kinds of missteps, which are irrevocable. Which is what you are about to do by putting your dream on the hold to follow that of your boyfriend. Nobody is saying both of you cannot be together forever but there are many processes to go through before you get to that point of being definite about what you both want in life. What if you are unable to get admission into his choice: wait, while he goes ahead with his life? What makes you so sure he wants what you want is ready to allow you tag along with him? Have you considered the fact that deep down he isn’t ready for the kind of commitment you want to foist on him? The restrain you want to be put on his freedom as a young man who is eager to fly the nest of his home and seek freedom before life becomes too serious? Chances are your relationship may not even survive the first few months if you insist on tagging along with him. If care isn’t taken by you, he may turn around to hate you for making his life miserable. Besides it brings up the matter of trust. Is it that you don’t trust him to behave or that you are very insecure as a young woman to instigate this kind of wishes for you to put your dream on hold for him? My dear, things don’t work like that. You have to have a dream of your own to be relevant to any man. The world is changing every second; you need your career and education to be useful to your home as woman and to be a good mother to your children. Besides, your reproductive years as a woman, is well defined for you by nature. It takes almost an eternity for a woman to recover any lost year, whereas the man has even Mother Nature bending backwards to make things easier for him. While a man of 100 years of age can still get a woman pregnant, not so for a woman half his age. So any rash and irrational decision you make now would in later years come to haunt you especially when you see all the friends you should have graduated with doing so well in their fields of endeavour while you are still struggling to give meaning to your life. By the time you recognise the implication of your decision, your boyfriend you made the sacrifice for would have long gone. Nobody wants to be associated with a failed project. Even if he doesn’t mean to treat you that way, his new friends, family and situation would all conspire to make him keep his distance from you. As he gets older, there will always be a cocktail of different kinds of women for him. Besides, his choice, ideas as well as desires would eventually change once he has a broader place to operate. If by the time he is ready to move on, you are still struggling with the challenge of gaining admission, you will be hurt more than you should. Besides, you could also meet another man and fall in love with him. But if you have sacrificed your own dream for another man, this other man may not even look your way because you would be lacking in one of the things he requires from his woman – good education. You only think he is your world now because you haven’t even seen all the vast potentials the world has to offer. You are limited not only by your age but also by the environments you operate. As you get older, when you begin to see all that life has to offer, chances are you will ask yourself when the right man comes along what you ever saw in your current image of Mr. Right. And even if both of you are destined to end up as an item, the kind of sacrifice you are contemplating is dangerous for your happiness in life. The wise thing is for you to hold on to your dream. If both of you are meant to be together you will find away out of it. But, for now, the choice before you is to pursue your dream. It is the key to your happiness in life as a woman. Good luck.

He beeps any time I pray for partner

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thank you so much for solving people’s problems and reuniting them again. I am a lady of 31 years of age, single and a graduate. I met this guy in my school. He helped me with certain things, because I was a novice back then. While we were in school, we acted with a deep sense of responsibility. He couldn’t afford to call me because his condition then was pitiable. He couldn’t afford three square meals. Few months after graduating, he secured employment. Despite the change in his fortune, he still wasn’t calling me. Rather, he preferred calling me at night when calls were toll free. After registering my displeasure at this attitude, he minimised calling me at night. The funniest thing is that he claims to be in love with me but I know he is only after the pleasures of my body. As a result of the challenges I was facing finding a life partner, I decided to embark on prayer and fasting. But I noticed that each time I did this, this man would begin beeping me as if he is right by my side. He is always telling me he loves me, that I should come back to him, but he hasn’t said anything about marriage. My challenge is that men treat me as if I am invisible and I am not the kind of woman who flirts. I wonder why such things are happening in my life. Please Agatha, what should I do? Am I right to leave him? Amuche. Dear Amuche, Good education doesn’t translate to a successful relationship. Many things combine to make a particular relationship work or fail. There is no way you will move beyond your present level if you don’t first sit down to do a proper critique of your life and plan for the future. For instance, what kinds of men appeal to you? Why are you so angry with this man? Is it because he appears stingy or that he doesn’t call you? Be specific. Unless you are sincere with yourself at this crucial stage of your life, no amount of prayers and fasting can help you. What kind of man are you asking God to give you? What kinds of sacrifices are you also willing to make? The irony of it all is that you may have met your Mr. Right but because you are blind to what you want, you may not have looked his way. There is also the possibility of you pricing yourself out of the market of eligible women. This is so if he isn’t the only one ignoring you. Sometimes the attitude women put up scare men away from them. When a woman’s disposition and mien are not only arrogant but enough to intimidate a man, most men would naturally ignore her. Most men in search of wife materials avoid strong willed women or the kinds that appear to be too much in charge of their lives. There is no war the act of humility doesn’t win. If you are really searching for the proverbial Mr. Right, you really have to let go of some of the things you carry around. To know what to work on in your person, ask friends, both men and women, those close to you, to give you an apt assessment of your person. Ask your siblings what they think of you. Go the extra mile; enquire from colleagues, neighbours, and even new acquaintances. By the time you take a sample of these different opinions, you will be close to having a fair impression of how others rate you. The raison d’être is not to fight them but to help you arrive at an objective answer that would help you work on your deficiencies as a woman and person. We all need this character evaluation from time to time to help us become better persons. So you won’t be acting out of tune if you do it. Don’t forget that we are all students of the school of life. Without this occasional evaluation in our lives, we won’t be able to improve on our attitude and character. Also, there is the possibility of your problem being spiritual. When men appear to be oblivious of a woman’s presence, then something is very wrong somewhere. This is the time to look into your family history especially the women before you. What is the average age, women in your family marry? How easy is it for them to get married and when they do, what kinds of marriages do they have? There is no way you can flirt when the men are not even interested in looking your way. Flirting is a function of men looking at you and wanting to have one kind of relationship or the other with you. In a situation where men ignore you completely, flirting will definitely be the last thing on your mind. The mere fact that men are not even looking your way is a very serious challenge which looking deeper into your family history will give a clearer perspective into the kinds of challenges you have inherited from them. This kind of understanding will in turn point you at what to ask God for. Many a time, we play dumb to the things happening in our families when in fact more than 90 per cent of the problems we battle in life come from our family trees. Even if this man is perfect, the kinds of challenges confronting you in your family will make it impossible for you to look past the defect you have noticed in him. Even when others are seeing his positive side, you will only insist on looking at the negative side. This is the power of foundational problem. Unless, God decrees otherwise, such battles are always difficult to win because they embody everything that makes you who you are. They are the sources that know everything about your parentage and even those things you don’t know about yourself. Unless that source is sealed up by the powers of prayers, there is no telling the extent of damage it will bring to one’s life. Once you know where the problem is coming from, it would be so easy to pray them out of your life. All these three angles are important for your complete happiness. One cannot be done without the other. Even if you regain your spiritual independence, without you taking the step of changing your attitude, the men that come will still leave you. Therefore, be real enough with yourself because this is the critical point of your life. Don’t leave this too late because at 31, your choices are depreciating every day. Good luck.

I’m confused about my girlfriend’s changed mood

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have a problem that is making me restless. It has to do with my five-year-old relationship. I deflowered my girlfriend who is now in her final year at nursing school. I met her, a very humble, respectful and loyal girl. But earlier this year, a guy visited her who she introduced as a cousin’s brother. When I offered to take the guy out that day, he said he was tired and they slept together in her room that night. So not quite long, I met the same guy on Facebook only to discover he is the same secondary school friend she had been telling me about. I confronted her with my discovery when she came back home after two months from her posting; she couldn’t deny it. All she said was that if she had told me the identity of the boy, I would have fought him. I was not only hurt but disappointed since I had planned to marry her. Her action made me to start dating another girl. When she found out about the other girl, I didn’t bother to lie. I told her the truth. From that moment she became a kind of wolf, there is no name she didn’t call me, but I ignored her. Recently, I got her an engagement ring as proof of my love for her and to announce my decision to quit the other relationship. To my surprise, she turned down my request on the ground that God hadn’t told her if I was the one for her. I was planning the introduction ceremony for December, this year. When I told her mother what she said, she said God would guide and protect me if it is His will for me to marry her daughter. But my girlfriend doesn’t pick my calls, let alone call me. I am tired and confused over this problem I am having with her. Vincent. Dear Vincent, Don’t be. Most times what we think is best for us, turns out not to be. When it comes to the issues of the heart and marriage in particular, it pays to listen to the voice of God. This is because marriage takes more than love and sentimental feelings to sustain. It takes a lot of courage and a very deep kind of friendship to maintain. A lot of things have to be right from the foundation level for relative peace to reign. One of the necessary ingredients is trust. Unless you get the composition right from the onset, no matter how much in love you both are, it won’t work in the end. Even though her motive for asking you to wait may be suspect, but since she has mentioned the name of God, don’t panic. Nothing entrusted to the hands of God ever brings unhappiness. You may think she is doing the things women who have lost interest in their men do, looking for an easy was to ease you out of her life but ultimately you will come to see that it was God at work in your life. Whether she comes back or you find another woman, this moment is to help you focus on the important things about relationship in general and your person in particular. What do you understand by being in a relationship? Is it for you an opportunity to have free sex or a special chance for you to help another person grow and be happy? Beyond being her first lover, how will she remember you? What special thing is she going to miss by not having you in her life? Just like in every thing we do, relationships are meant to establish something extraordinary in the lives of those we care so much about. So, our absence would be so much profound when we are no longer in their lives. Between a man and woman, the contact goes beyond sleeping together to living in each other’s bodies. This way, it is easy to establish that compassion, link, ease, understanding and tolerance needed to make a relationship work. Unless there is a spiritual link between a woman and man, a relationship hardly ever survives the politics of everyday living. This is what you should use this time out to cultivate. Go beyond what a woman looks like to the inherent qualities in her. This way, you would know when you are being taken for a fool or when she is telling the truth. It will help you control your temper because when a man gets to the level of being able to vouch for the character of his woman, nothing she does would ever make him suspicious of her. This is what absolute trust in each other does for a relationship. Stop calling her if she isn’t inclined to picking your calls anymore. Granted, you are hurting and desire a chance to be together again with her but, this can only happen if she is willing and since she has expressed a wish not to, allow her be. This way, you will also be giving yourself time to heal before someone else comes along. Good luck.

I denied my wife sex for three years

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I stopped sleeping with my wife of six years. The reason then was simple. Although I was having an affair but the major one being that she was dirty and rude. There was nobody she didn’t report me to, including writing to you under the name of worried wife. I went through all you told her and was happy at the results I noticed in her. She became trendier, neater as well as more respectful to me. Unfortunately at the time she made up her mind to change, I wasn’t interested in her anymore but I didn’t want to divorce her because of the children. I needed her at home to care for the children. Having grown up in a polygamous home, I didn’t want my children going through what I went through. I however made up my mind to resume sexual activity with her early last month but I noticed she wasn’t too eager. I expected that she would be after years of begging me to share her bed. She actually stopped begging me to have sex with her in January this year. At first I didn’t bother but when it persisted, I told a friend of mine who was so certain that she was having an affair. I asked her if she was sleeping with another man behind me, she denied it but asked if I had the right to ask her such a question anymore. I ignored her but made up my mind to investigate. There was nothing to suggest she was. Besides, I thought she wouldn’t have the guts to cheat on me because I married her as a village girl and a virgin. She lacked the sophistication of the city woman which was part of the problem we were having. But about two weeks ago, by accident, I had gone to see my boss along Adeniyi Jones in Ikeja when I decided to stop over to eat at a local restaurant around that area. The setting was very formal and neat. I was still waiting for my order to be served when my wife walked in with this man who looked very much like a very top manager in a company. They drove into the place with this latest Toyota Camry. She didn’t notice me at first but I made sure she did when I walked up to her to demand what she was doing with another man in a public place. She didn’t bother to answer me; instead they got up and left me standing. By the time I got home, she was already home, packed and ready to leave. She didn’t bother to deny that she and the man I met her with were dating. She told me the man was ready to marry her and that as soon as her people refunded the bride price I paid on her, she would marry the man. I didn’t even know she was in school, University of Lagos and in her third year. She also has a flourishing shop, a fashion outfit near her school. She said, it was only in January this year, she agreed to date the man I met her with even though he had been disturbing her since he rescued her from a suicide attempt three years ago. According to her, he helped her gain admission into the University of Lagos to get her mind off her matrimonial challenges and got her the shop to give her financial independence. She said, since she has made up her mind to be intimate with this other man, she no longer has any space in her heart for me. I found out all these from her in the process of explaining to my friends how far apart we had grown. Agatha, I have realised I don’t want her to go and I’m ready to do anything to ensure we live as man and wife again. I have since discharged the woman in my life and has been pleading with her to have a change of mind but she insists she is fed up. My parents, especially my father blames me for whatever decision she has made concerning our marriage. I know I wronged her but I have suddenly realised that she means so much to me. How do I get her back? Worried Husband. Dear Worried Husband, What were you thinking of leaving a woman in your house for three years without having sex with her? You drove her into the arms of this other man who realised her outstanding qualities and took the necessary steps to harness them. Only very few women would have been able to withstand such cruelty. Denying a matured married woman of sex is worse than beating her. To have gone without sex for three years have hardened her beyond measure. Without being told, she knew there must have been another woman in your life taking care of your heat. This itself would make her bitter and extremely angry and the injustice of your action each time she remembers. Thank goodness you realised your mistake and isn’t bothered about the matter of her infidelity. But you became conscious of your mistakes too late. Having made up her mind to leave you, it might not be too easy for her to change her mind about leaving you. Sincerely as this stage, it will take the special grace of God to make her continue in this marriage. Women are the most difficult to bend when a decision as grave as this one has been made. On what platform would she want to stay? If for six years, all you did was complain, put her down because she came to you as a local girl, branded her dirty, lacking in respect as well as denying her sex for three years out of these six years, why would she want to come back to such a marriage? If you are unaware that the woman you call your wife is enrolled in school and already in her third year in the university, then it isn’t just a matter of asking her to stay. You have to do more than you are currently doing to resolve the many crises in your marriage. From her account, this man hasn’t only invested money into her life, he has been very patient, understanding, supportive and dedicated to her. These are things she didn’t find with you; wanted from you but weren’t prepared to give her. She has seen a side of life, she never dreamt possible. You may have met her a virgin but her experience in the last six years of being married to you have left her a different kind of person. This man has helped her to come to full realisation of who she really is as well as what she can be. You had the chance to do this but you failed. Now, not only is she more experienced but also wiser in the ways of men and women. In addition, education has exposed her to a kind of independence and power she never imagined when she came fresh eyed from the village. It isn’t going to be easy getting her to come back on your terms or in the kind of atmosphere you once conducted your marriage. This time, you have to engage her in serious dialogue in which both of you will have to first talk and decide on the premise on which the marriage will operate. Swallow your pride and give her reasons why she should stay with you despite all that have happened. Remember you are as guilty, if not more than she is. The rule that she shouldn’t have done what she did doesn’t apply to her at all because your actions precipitated it. In her shoes, you would have done the same. This is one issue, you may not be able to handle on your own; involve people she respects in her own family as well as yours. Your families have to be involved in this kind of settlement if you hope to get her to even listen to you. This is because you left it for too long. If she is bold enough to tell you that she is ready to marry the other man as soon as her bride price is returned; it is going to be very difficult to make her change her mind hence the need to involve everyone in a position to talk to her, if possible the spiritual head of your church. Marriage is full of turns and bends, never a long straight line. The moment she made the attempt to change from her ways to please you, the wise thing would have been for you to meet her half way. You must learn to always meet her half way, plenty of sacrifices, selflessness and compromises. Every woman needs a friend in her man. She may have come from the village but she is not without feelings or intelligence. Always learn to respect who she is; it is the only way to get her to respect you. Sincerely, it would take the grace of God to make a woman that has gone this far to change her mind. Give her the opportunity to see the loving, caring and attentive side of you. Also learn to pray if you want your efforts to be noticed because you are at fault. Good luck.

Against all odds she still wants me but her family

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am planning to get married but any lady I met always give me one reason or the other on why a marriage between us would not work. But there is one girl in particular that I met two years ago. I proposed to her this year, but she declined from giving me an immediate answer. Instead she pleaded for two weeks to enable her pray over my proposal to her. After the two weeks, I called to know what her answer would be; to my surprise as well as disappointment, she said a marriage between us wouldn’t work. When I asked why, she told me that she was told, that she would face severe problems from my sisters. She said, though they said, she won’t have problems from me and that I am the kind of man she would have loved to marry, but she won’t be able to cope with the kinds of issues they said she would contend with from my sisters. She also didn’t deny being in love with me. Two days after this conversation, she called to say it was difficult to let go of me. She announced her willingness to marry me, but the problem is that her family is aware of the things they told her about my sisters. According to her, she won’t marry me if her people insist on us going our different ways. Agatha, I love this lady deeply. Please tell me what to do; I don’t want to ever lose her. U.C. Dear U.C., She has been told she won’t have any challenges with you as her husband, but that she will have profound issues with your sisters. If all women before her turned down your request to marry them, then something is really wrong somewhere. The only difference is that she has the guts to tell you what others didn’t. You see some problems are physical while others are spiritual. What kind of sisters do you have? Why do you think your sisters are up to and why would they be the major problems to your wife? This isn’t time for you to go sentimental if you want to resolve the issue of you getting married. You must be able to identify what you think will be the challenges to your wife from your sisters with a view of solving them even before they become monstrous. Are you their only brother? If yes, you have to develop the power to stand as a man even before a woman enters into your home. This is essential so she doesn’t get the blame of turning their only brothers against them. You have to begin to think for yourself, make hard and difficult decisions on your own. While you struggle with gaining your independence from your sisters’ apron, keep your girlfriend out of sight else she will still get all the blame for the change in your character and person. And once they develop an opinion about her, the attendant hatred and jealousy her perceived effrontery at taking you away from them will only get worse by the day. This could even lead them to getting fetish in their bid to get her out of your life. If a lady who claims to love you is very afraid to marry you on account of this prophecy, then you do really have to worry about it. Without you addressing the issues of your sisters first you may not have the presence of mind to enjoy your marriage at all. To achieve positive result, table everything before God. Ask Him for help in your quest to get married as well as expose the kinds of challenges your wife is likely to encounter from your sisters. If you can’t do it on your own, get the help of your pastor. Explain your fears to him. There is nothing that cannot be undone through the powers of prayers. Men’s female relatives are usually the problems women have in their marriages. More often than not, these problems are embedded in jealousy women typically exhibit for each other. Every woman wants to be in charge of a man’s heart irrespective of who that male is to her. This is why mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law are the ones notorious for making their sons or brothers home a living hell for their wives. Unfortunately, the men at the centre of it all suffer untold emotional hardship because of this. Even if there wasn’t this kind of prophecy, every man must take measures to protect the woman in his life. Make the decision from this early that you will give the right to your woman, protecting her from the external influences of the female members of your family. In addition, you must make up your mind to be fair to all, refusing to play the puppet in the hands of any of the women in your life. A man, who is fair, gives him home a fair chance to survive the odds of third party interference. A clarification from God will help you know what to say or do to make your sisters respect your feelings for another woman. All she is asking, is assurance from you is that you will always be there to protect her against your sisters. Once this assurance is given, she will be able to explain to her family members, knowing that she will not have need to come back to them. Her fears are well founded. If she defies her family to marry you against this warning, who will help her stand again? Every woman runs to her family when she runs into problem in her marriage. But a situation she ignores the family’s warning and she later has problems in the marriage, a combination of fear and shame will not allow her go back to her family. Some women have died while concealing their marital problems out of shame from family and friends. Besides, what family would encourage their daughter to go into a marriage that will not give her the required rest of mind? In their shoes, would you encourage your daughter to go into such marriage? More often than not, love isn’t enough to sustain a marriage. It requires much more than that. If a woman isn’t happy, is suffering intimidation and attacks from her in-laws, there is no way you as the man, can ever be happy. This is why you must do everything you can to nip these challenges in the bud. Furthermore, if you are able to discuss with her family, first to admit whatever you find out to be the challenges and secondly to also confide the measures you have put in place to protect your wife from your sisters, they may change their minds. As parents who want the best for their child, they would be happy to know that you are not dismissing what their daughter said about your sisters. Not many men would be that considerate. It is a simple matter of you knowing what you want the most in life and how best to go about it. Good luck.

Dated for eight years, married as virgins, but…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need your help. I am a born-again Christian. I got married recently after eight solid years of courtship. I had an agreement with my wife, then fiancée, that we would not engage in lovemaking till we were lawfully wedded. I met her a virgin. During the eight years of courtship we had reasons to sleep all alone in the same room severally yet we kept our vow to God and ourselves that we will not go beyond a particular point. I was so serious about it that I told her that if I lost my cool anytime and pressed her for lovemaking, she should slap me so I could come back to my senses. And that if she allowed me, I would not marry her again. However, we engaged in some romance, kissing and other deep touches around the boobs. I do not want to go specific for the sake of decency. All through we did not do any form of sexual intercourse. After our wedding, one night after our being intimate, I just had a knowing that there was something she did that she didn’t tell me. Something I felt amounted to betrayal. So I asked her if any other person has seen any of her private parts. I begged her to be truthful. I was shocked when she told me that the president of their school fellowship – the man I have greeted a number of times on phone as her fiancée when she was in school, several years into our courtship. She was schooling in another region from where I lived. It is a long story but the summary is, the guy came visiting, stayed until he claimed it was too late for him to get a vehicle home. She agreed to house him for the night, gave him another room. After a while, he came to say he wanted to sleep in the same room and on the same bed with her and promised that nothing would happen. Gullibly, she agreed but they eventually engaged in very deep romance to the extent that she confessed the guy did not even want to go as far as she wanted him to. Agatha, she told me she was the one who requested the guy to suck her boobs and the guy did. The only thing they did not do is actual lovemaking. I felt betrayed, I felt let down. I didn’t and still don’t understand why she did it. We were both virgins before we married and I had more reasons to stumble as a man because a man is attracted by what he sees. I saw a lot in this our present age and even had instances of ladies throwing themselves at me and some even came directly and asked in plain language but I resisted not because I didn’t feel like, but just for two reasons – God and my fiancée. I trusted her completely. When I put it to her that if we had been engaged in sexual intercourse, she would have gone all the way with the guy and she couldn’t object. The only reason she didn’t go to that extent was because we had not been there together. I tried to forgive her after some days because she did not waste time before confessing when I asked her. If she had denied there was nothing I would have done since all I had was this strong guts, feelings of what happened. I had no physical evidence. Still I cannot stop asking why? I can’t forget. Please help. Why do you think it happened? What does this say of her kind of person and strength of discipline? What should I do? Confused Husband. Dear Confused Husband, That she didn’t go the whole way underscores her level of discipline to an extent. The mistake was allowing the man close to her in the first place. The chemistry between a man and woman can go haywire if given the chance to. All the conditions for that chemistry to go wild were available – they were both in a room together – one in the bed together and two in the dead of the night. The man came prepared from the beginning of his visit to seduce her. She may not know it at the time but given the pent up emotions and longing inside her, something in her wanted it that night. Her body was curious to be taken to the next level – it had nothing to do with you or her love for you. It was a pure animalistic urge; she lacked the experience and strength to stop it, because you imposed the rules, not her. Her body was ripe for the plucking, you had her all hot by the extent you went, got her curious to know what the final and ultimate thing would be like. Not many women can resist the situation you created for her. Women are very romantic creatures. At that time of the night her senses of right were dulled by the proximity of his body, his smell and touch. Perhaps she would have gone all the way but she didn’t. At least both of them had the decency to end whatever they felt that night. Dating a woman for eight years without making actual love to her while you mindlessly romanced her was too much of a temptation to her. She must have been properly brought up for her to survive the ordeal of being taking that far and left to cool off again. You were able to resist the temptations of other women because the decision to abstain from sex until your wedding night came from you. Over the years, you held and developed the will to fulfill this dream. She on the other hand had to bend to your rules. I am not saying she is right but you have to understand the premise in which this incident happened. We are all not equipped equally to handle emotional feelings this same way. It takes the special grace of God for people like you not to fall. If prominent men of God capitulate to the lure of the flesh, how much more those not so gifted? Besides, like you rightly observed, she could have easily lied about it, but she, despite being aware of the huge implication of telling the truth, took the risk to. It can only mean one thing; she also regretted that incident and she would never do it again. Marriage is peppered with so many challenges. Nobody including you is perfect. To stand a pedestal of purity and righteousness won’t do your marriage any good because one day, you too will need the understanding and forgiveness of your wife to scale a particular hurdle in your marriage. If you don’t learn to forgive and understand that ‘in imperfection we were born and that our best efforts are pure filth before God’, you will never be able to live in peace with your wife. The important thing here is that, you still met her a virgin. At that time, the incident happened; she had the choice to go the whole way and damn what will happen thereafter. Just like you, the other man too found something precious and unique about her; he too would have loved the chance to marry her hence his decision not to further compromise her. This is just the beginning of many instances when situation will put your trust for each other on trial; as the head of the home, you must develop the strength to resist. Forgiveness is divine. If you don’t learn to forgive and forget, you will be putting a very huge wedge between your marriage and happiness because marital pendulum is always shifting to and fro – shifting blames from one end to the other. Being born-again is no guarantee against human errors. Besides, your life started on the day you both signed the dotted lines before God and man. This is what counts, the beginning of new dreams. If you don’t forgive, you also don’t enjoy the healing balm of forgiveness. As a born-again you must know how important this is to our salvation. Accept the apologies of your wife so that your mind can be free to settle down to the business of building your home, life and dreams. Marriage is a journey of tremendous sacrifices, selflessness, forgiveness, wisdom and tolerance. It takes more than love to absolute faith in each other and prayers to make the difference. She is part of you, fallible but one you have elected to spend your life with. If you cannot forgive her of this one slip she made in the eight years you dated her before you married her, then something is wrong somewhere. This is the kind of thing that gives character, definition and colour to a marriage – it is the story of hope for another couple tomorrow. Pray and be the friend your wife needs now to be a good woman. Good luck.

He wants me pregnant before wedding…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am three years older than my boyfriend and we have been dating for the past six years. Recently, he travelled out of the country, but we talk almost every day. He informed me during one of our discussions that he desires I get pregnant immediately he comes back home. According to him, my getting pregnant would hasten the process of our getting married. But I don’t want to hurt my parents by getting pregnant. Besides I want to get married in the church and not the way he is planning the whole event. When I told him I wasn’t ready to get pregnant or do as he wished, he said I wasn’t ready to get married. Please advise me on what to do. Betty. Dear Betty, This is the junction in your life you get real with yourself. The more you pretend to be who and what you are not, the more complex and complicated your life would be later in life. One thing you have to get right here is that ‘this is your life’. Your parents, friends, siblings all are living their own kinds of lives. If at the end of the day you are unhappy with the choice you made in your bid to please others, you will have nobody but yourself to blame. If your major concern is what your parents would say about the proposal of your boyfriend, the real question here is, are you not sleeping with your boyfriend? When a man and woman sleep together, what happens? Is that not itself contradicting your so-called current position? You want your parents and the church to think you are still a virgin when in actual fact you are not? What you are trying to do is deceive the church and your family into thinking you have remained faithful to their teachings when in reality you have failed them by having premarital sex with the same man you don’t want to get pregnant for now. Is that not a little bit of hypocritical? God sees our most hidden secrets; nothing is ever hidden from His all-knowing eyes. So you are not deceiving anyone but yourself at the end of the day. Many marital challenges women face in their later years would have been avoided by being truthful from the beginning. You stand to gain more from life by being honest with yourself. This is important if you want to enjoy marriage. Your objection to his suggestions would have been understood if you had refrained from sleeping with him from the beginning of your relationship. He would have understood where you are coming from. The fact that you have both been sexually involved gave him all the right to make this suggestion. After six years of being together, dreaming and planning a life together, your answers to his suggestions should have been measured, not immediate as you told him. Transiting a relationship into marriage requires a lot of wisdom and prayers. Definitely you have the right to be angry at his suggestion, which presupposes that you either have problems getting pregnant or a tool of bargain with his family to accept his decision to marry you. If it is the latter reason, you should commend him not fight him for suggesting it as a watertight option for both of you to be happy together. The wise thing would have been for you to wait for him to come back to the country before voicing your objections. Sensitive issues like this are best discussed when both parties are together. You would have been able to argue and iron out all the rough edges without provoking a crisis in your six-year-old relationship. As it is now, unless you take the step to reopen discussions with him on the subject, this relationship is on very shaky grounds especially as he is out of the country. Anything can happen; a tiny distraction with a woman down there may see him deciding to stay there forever. Because he is angry with you, he may not bother to rethink his hasty decision over until too late. Honestly, what you should have objected to isn’t what he said; many men in his shoes would have done the same but his lack of absolute commitment to the dreams you both share. Asking you to get pregnant before he marries you is like asking for insurance against barrenness. This is what you should have protested against not what your parents and church would say to you being pregnant before the wedding day. He had no right to ask this of you unless he isn’t comfortable with three years age difference between the two of you as well as the kinds of risks you have taken with him. If you weren’t too wrapped up in your own anger, you would have been able to read between the lines and deduce what his real fears are. Though you didn’t give your ages, but if you have been together for six years, you are in your prime now. Men don’t think the way women do when it comes to the issue of a woman’s reproductive years. Rightly or wrongly he may feel that being three years older than he is, you may have challenges getting pregnant unlike a younger woman. This has nothing to do with the way he feels about you. He must love you enough to have stayed with you for six years despite knowing he is younger by three years. But he is a man with some responsibilities to himself and family. Every man desires to procreate himself someday. Deep inside of him, he is afraid of what would become of him later in life. As one who has shared his space for the past six years, you should have recognized what his real fears were and taken steps to assure him. You could with good wisdom dispel his fears and gotten him to do your bidding without him being aware of it. Every man has an ego that has to be constantly massaged by the woman in his life. All you needed to do at the time is to patiently plead with him to come back home first. Once home, a combined effort of your maturity, understanding and respect for him would have made him realise what he would be missing in you should you decide to leave him. The bottom line of all these is that you haven’t really been able to grow the relationship beyond that point you both started with. If you had, you would have been more sensitive to the ways of your man and taken steps to avert a major disagreement like you are having now. But beyond your anger are the issues of what you want and the importance of the relationship to you. Should he make good his promise not to continue with the relationship, how would you really feel? What would you be missing about him? Would your parents’ presence be enough to erase him from your mind and memories? From my experience there are certain things prayers alone cannot achieve; you must act to make it work. There is no success without pains. No perfection without sacrifices. What are you willing to do to save this relationship from the abyss? What would be more pleasing to your parents and you at the end of the day? Having children or having a virginal wedding? Some things are meant to last forever. Would pretending to be a good girl to your parents and church on your wedding day give you the melting warmth of a baby’s soft cuddle or the winning smile of a naughty teenager? How would you feel if you hear he is married to another woman; would you be glad that at news or cry at the folly of your decision? This is the point you have to be very clear about what you want from him and life. He has told you what he wants from you. Are you ready to? How much do you really love this man? What kinds of sacrifices are you willing to make for this relationship to work? Once you are clear about what you want, call him if he is still abroad and ask him one question aimed at helping you resolve the issue finally. The question is: what would happen to the relationship if you were unable to get pregnant? This way you will be transferring the burden of guilt and decision to him. His answer will definitely point you at the direction to go. Good luck.

Can this religious brick wall between us be brought down?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am 26 years old. I am a Christian but I come from a very strong Muslim background. I am going to church because I stay with my grandmother who is very liberal. But she alone cannot confront the combined affront of the family. My father, who is an Imam, is unaware of my new religion. He is so ferocious; he won’t hesitate to disown me as his own. My mother, on the other hand, lacks the guts to face her husband, therefore getting any form of support for my quest to marry my boyfriend of two years, who is a Christian, is totally out of it. Since meeting him, I have become more focused and definite about so many things about my life. But for his unflinching support, I would never have graduated from school. During my final year, he was there by my side giving me every bit of support I needed to sail through. He actually helped to clear all my outstanding fees as well as mend fences between me and some of the lecturers who didn’t want me to graduate. He has a way with people; it is his special gift. How he did it, I don’t know; but all I knew was that I was cleared. I stopped associating with the friends who got me into problems in the first place. He has proposed to me and I have accepted. He has even gone as far as taking me to see his parents and family members. They are now asking to see mine. My grandmother has drawn the line. She said she lacked the authority as my maternal grandmother to go to my father because he is as stubborn as a nail. Another reason why my father would want me dead is because I am six weeks pregnant. I want everything done before my state becomes obvious. My mother, whom I told about my state, begged me not to reveal she knows anything about my boyfriend let alone my state. I am so scared. Please help me. Sheri. Dear Sheri, He has to be told irrespective of his temper or beliefs. Since none of you can go to him directly, there must be somebody in the family; someone he respects and listens to who can go on your behalf to him. The essence of getting a third party involved is to prevent you from the shock of his first reactions. At least the person’s presence would have significantly watered down his anger and disappointment at your conduct. His anger would have expired before you meet him. Ultimately, you have to face him because he is your father. At this stage, there is nothing you can do about what you feel for your boyfriend or the fact that you are already expecting his child. Despite being a religious leader, first and foremost he is your father. His religion and beliefs cannot erase that. Whatever he is, he is secondary to his role as a father in your life, which means you just have to face him as a daughter to her father. He doesn’t have the right to deny you this. It is his responsibility to at least hear what you have to say. Deep down, there is a father underneath everything that he has clothed himself with. No parent, no matter how strict or unreasonable, would bear to see his or her child suffer. Your pains are his, so you must grow the maturity of making him see reason. Your mother and maternal grandmother don’t occupy the same position as you do in his life. So, whatever your misgivings are, be bold enough to go after the intermediary has informed him. Explain everything to him; including your decision to marry a man who isn’t a Muslim. To reduce the many battles you have to fight at this initial stage, wisdom demands that you should keep the information about your conversion from him for now. It would be too much of a problem for you to manage on your own since both your mother and grandmother are shying away from mediating. The important thing here is to get him to allow you marry the man of your choice. There is no way he can force you to follow his dictates after you have married. It is also important you assure him that you didn’t get pregnant deliberately to tie his hands in this matter. This discussion should be between you and him. Don’t forget he has a reputation to protect so would not want anybody to witness whatever concession he was going to make for you. You must also not forget that your new religion is strange to him, against everything he has known so he is bound to be bitter but your maturity would definitely make a lot of difference. This isn’t time for you to be stubborn or heady. In everyway, he has a right to be angry with you but you can change him by being humble and sensitive to his feelings. This way you will have the understanding and patience to deal with him. Besides, how would you feel if the child you are carrying in your womb grows up to hurt you? Yes, true love is blind and deaf to what others consider important but you must try to win him over first. Go after your own happiness only when it appears impossible to change his mind. It would also help to inform your boyfriend’s family of what to expect whenever they visit your family. Let your boyfriend’s mother meet with your grandmother and mother first. Women have a way of going around issues like this. After all, you are pregnant with their grandchild. Above all, learn to pray. There is nothing or situation prayers cannot achieve. Good luck.

He won’t forgive me for forgetting his mother’s birthday

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been married for four years. Ordinarily my husband is caring and responsible but since marrying him, he has persistently done certain things that are beginning to make me wonder if he thinks of me at all. Since getting married to him, he has never remembered my birthday let alone buying me gifts. But I have never failed to remember his birthdays and to buy him gifts. I wouldn’t have minded if he also doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays. Since we became parents, there is nothing concerning his children special days he doesn’t remember. He not only remembers but also makes it a family celebration. He would take time out to take us all out. He also remembers his mother’s birthdays. He never fails too to give me more than enough money to buy her presents. Whenever I ask why it is only my birthdays, he forgets, he would mumble something about being too busy. Although he would bring my gift the next day, but then it won’t be my birthday gift, more of apology gift. Since he has consistently treated my birthday as a non-issue in the last couple of years, I deliberately forgot his as well as his mother’s to show him how it feels not to be remembered by the one you love the most in the world. The fact that I forgot his mother’s birthday is now causing so many problems in our home – more than I bargained for. Since June, he has refused to talk to me; he says I am wicked and uncaring. He also described me as being cruel to his mother. The fact that he knew I did it deliberately is what is making him very angry. I am fed up of everything and just want my husband back, but he is making peace between us impossible to negotiate. He only talks to me when there are people around or his children are with us. In the bedroom, he sleeps on a small mattress he bought for his study room. When I make attempts to touch him, he pushes me off him; he hasn’t looked my way since the incident. I can’t continue like this. What can I do to have him back in my arms? I love him so much. Eyiwunmi. Dear Eyiwunmi, Beg him! Two wrongs can never be right. So what if he forgets your birthday? How many men remember their wives’ birthdays? You are not his child so why should he remember your birthday the way he remembers those of his children? If he doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays, who will? He remembers his children special days because he helped to create them. There is no way he ever forget the anxiety of bringing them into the world. Therefore it is natural for him to always remember those days just as your father remembered yours while you were still at home. He will also not forget his mother’s birthday because of the history they shared together. No matter the position you now occupy in his life, his relationship with his mother predates yours and can never be replaced by you. No matter your anger against your husband, you should never have taken it out on his mother. You were wrong to exhibit such a behaviour towards a woman who gave birth to the man you love most in the world. The fact that she trained him to be caring and responsible like you said, should that be a reason for you to always show appreciation to her? Besides, she deserves every attention she can get at her age. How would you feel if the wife of your son stops him from celebrating you in your old age? She has worked to be where your husband is today so don’t ever begrudge whatever he spends on her or the quality of attention he bestows on her. It is her right, her moment to reap what she sowed years back. The fact that he has ignored you for almost two months after the incident happened, explains his hurt and disappointment at your conduct. You have been married to this man for four years and should have known issues very close to his heart. There is no way, you will live with someone for a year and not know the values of such a person. Even if you wanted to pay him back in his coins, you should have chosen to his own birthday to do that, not his mother’s. It’s not as if his mother is supporting him to ignore your birthday. In addition, the fact that he always comes back home with gifts the day after your birthday shows that he isn’t completely indifferent to your birthday. Not many men would even think it appropriate to buy an ‘apology gift’ as you call it for their wives after her birthday. Marriage is about accepting the limitations of the other person and appreciating the person’s strength. Besides wisdom demands that certain issues be tackled with diplomacy. As a wife and mother, you must at all times find a balance in your dealings with your family members. Had you used either his own birthday or his children’s to drive home your point, he wouldn’t have taken it to heart the way he is taking your actions against his mother. Now he thinks you don’t like his mother at all. It will take you quite an effort to make him see reasons with you, make him forget that you can be mean to his mother. Since he is very close to his mother, she is the only one that can settle this matter. You may not like the idea of going to her but at the point your marriage has gotten to now, you need to do something very urgently. The more you sleep apart the more danger you expose your home and family. He is angry and very vulnerable to the manipulation of a crafty woman. This is a dangerous gulf you must not allow to continue. If it means telling his mother everything, do it fast. Men aren’t as patient when it comes to the issue of intimacy. You may be able to endure it, but he won’t be able for too long. There are too many attractive women out there for you to ignore the real danger this situation presents to your home. In soliciting for her assistance, apologise for deliberately forgetting her birthday. Tell her the truth and why you thought it was a good idea then. As a woman, she would understand the sentiments of your action especially if you have never had any issue with her before. Follow this by trying to win him back with the pleasant memories of your life together before this unfortunate incident. Cook him his favourite meal, the kind you know he can’t resist. Make sure his children are up and waiting for him when he comes back. Since he can’t resist his children, he would be forced to eat the meal. Use that opportunity to touch him, whisper your apologies into his ears, bathed in your most seductive perfume. For once, ignore the children while you commence your wooing game. Present him with the best gift you know he likes; go into the bedroom to wear one of your most sinful nightgowns; the kind no sane man can resist. The idea is to get him to touch you. I am sure once you are able to break into his wall of defence, getting him to listen to your apologies won’t be that difficult anymore. If you need to use an adult film to water down his stubborn resistance, do it provided you achieve your aim of getting him back in your bed and arms. After that go on your knees to properly say sorry to him. If your wish is to have him celebrate your birthday, make sure you start reminding him about a month to the time. Begin a countdown process; on the day, wake him up with a kiss reminding him that you are glad to be alive. Order a cake for the family, plus a special meal. This way, he can’t but remember to get you something special. There are always better alternatives to every situation as long as we are willing to apply our minds to these alternatives. Always place God on your front burner. Good luck.

I’m desperate to marry my handsome pastor…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need your help desperately. There is this new pastor, recently posted to our branch. He is one of the most handsome men I have ever come across. Since he has resumed work, I have done everything to make him acknowledge my presence, which he has informed my given heavy financial contributions to church programmes. The issue now is, I am not the only one gunning for his attention. So many single girls in the church too have similar ideas. As a matter of fact, one of the biggest girls in the church recently bought him a new KIA Sports Utility Vehicle (SUV), making it impossible for me to think of what to get him to equal this exotic gift. From my investigations, she is already visiting him at home, under the pretense of wanting to help him cook and clean the house. I have waited for the opportunity to marry the man of my dreams. I will be 40 in August. He happens to be the one I want the most. I am ready to do anything to beat my main competitor for his heart. Please tell me how to go about it in terms of behaviour, dressing or the kinds of gifts I should buy him. God has even showed me through dreams that I got married to him. The dream has kept coming back almost in the same way. The frequency of the dreams is all the proof I need that God has indeed answered my prayers this time around. My dreams always come true. I have fasted for too long for this special moment in my life. I have been to many churches in my quest to marry. I just know my time is right with the posting of this pastor to our branch. But you know heavens help those who help themselves. I have even offered to join the ushers to enable him observe me better. I am very desperate and would forever remain indebted to you if you can use your gift to get this man to marry me. Maureen. Dear Maureen, First, if it is the will of God that you and this man end up as an item, your worries are then baseless just as the other lady’s efforts at attracting him to her side will end up a failure. This is because there is nothing none of you can do on your own without the express permission of God who sees the end from the beginning. And since you are so sure that God reveals things to you, those dreams of yours should act as double assurances that He has heard your prayers concerning your desires to marry. One thing you should know about God is His ability to accomplish what He says He would do. But many a time, we ignore Him and His ways to source for our own happiness. At 40, what kinds of mistakes have you been making since you came of age? What kinds of opportunities did you throw away that are unwittingly making you to start all over again? Faith and desperation do not go together; neither can good wisdom abide with someone who is crafty and calculative. You cannot claim to be God’s own without having implicit confidence in His ways and decisions. One of the ways to become totally dependent on God is to serving with a motive. You don’t go to church, contribute to the growth of a church or the pastor’s life because of what you hope to get. You do these things to honour God in your life, nothing more, nothing less. You have become blinded by your desperate desires to marry and also deaf to His words. Sincerely you are getting everything wrong in your relationship with God. This is no way to serve God or be a worker in His vineyard. If the motive of going to church is to get a husband at all cost, what time do you have to listen to His words or presence of mind to hear from Him? He may have given you your answers long ago but distraction is causing you to turn blind eyes and ears to His will. If God doesn’t place your favour in his eyes and heart, you can be the only usher in the church and he still won’t notice you if God doesn’t want him to. You could even be the most gorgeous and successful woman in the church and he still wouldn’t think of you along the line you want him to if both of you are not meant to be. So it isn’t how you are dressed, how respectful you are or the kinds of gifts you buy for him that would count at the end of the day. Rather, it is what God wants for both of you. Having been to so many churches should have told you that it isn’t the efforts we put into playing god in our lives that give us solutions to our problems but being right with God. Besides, what makes you think he is the right one for you? Is it on account of his looks or what? Beyond being your pastor, what do you know about him, his character and person? Do you know if he is married or has a woman he is intended to in his life? Given the fact that you are about 40, he must be somewhere in that region. Do you think at his age and with his good looks, he would still be single and available for grabs? There is more to being married than wearing the wedding gown and posing happily in front of the camera and well wishers. Marriage peels us bare of everything that is attractive; it reveals our true nature for our partner to see. It takes a lot of dosages of patience, tolerance, selflessness, understanding, wisdom, loyalty, prayers, faith, as well as blinded determination for it to work. What kind of preparations do you have beyond buying him gifts? Would you even consider him, if he were ugly? Would you be dreaming of getting married to him? This is the point in your life that you must get real so you don’t waste more of your time on dreams that are not attainable. We get to a stage in life we simply have to face the truth about our lives and situations. Whether other women are buying cars or expensive gifts should be your concern at all. What should be is your relationship with God. Work on it to give you grace in the eyes and heart of the man he wants you to marry. Ask him for grace to discern who the man is. If your focus at your age is still on how handsome a man is, then you still have far to go. The best qualities and testimonies of our beauty are those we store right inside our hearts. That is where the treasure of our happiness is. Granted, it is pleasing to look good to the eyes but what keeps the heart very warm is the beauty of the mind. This is why you need the priceless gift of wisdom to lean more on God. That he is a pastor doesn’t mean he would be the perfect husband for any woman to marry. Being a pastor is a spiritual gift but it takes the grace of God to bring out the best in our human nature. Only real friendship keeps a marriage going not infatuation. This is the missing link in all of these. Your dreams may have been right on the bull’s eyes in the past but this one may have been instigated by your blinded desires to marry this man at all cost. Dreams come in different forms. There are dreams we through our thoughts originate. If these dreams came long before you met him, yes, they are answers to your prayers. But coming after you have set out to make him your husband at all cost, they can only come from your mind. So to attach too much importance to them could result in your being hurt and disappointed than you already are in your life. My gift to you is to submit your will and life completely to God. Stop struggling with God or attributing things deep inside you, you know are lies to Him. Besides, you have to be careful you don’t provoke God’s anger in the process of wanting to marry this man at all cost. He is a servant of God; if you unwittingly derail his mission by the desires of your heart or cause a scandal in the church, you could incur the anger of God. This is why you must be careful of what you do or how far you go in your bid to marry this man at all cost. Instead of wasting all your time on pursuing this man, why not pray to God to help point you at your destiny? Good luck.