Has she another boyfriend?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I met a girl on one of the social networks four months ago. Then, I was serving in Kaduna State while she was serving in Lagos State, but now, I am based in Lagos. I invited her to my office and she came. When she celebrated her birthday few weeks ago, I wanted to take her out that day, a Sunday, but she told me she would be with her boyfriend. Agatha, I like her and I desire to date her. What should I do? Do you think she has a boyfriend or she was just trying to pull my legs? Curious Boy. Dear Curious Boy, What makes you think she would lie about having a boyfriend? Isn’t she old enough to have one? What do you think would be her motive of lying to you about having a man in her life if she doesn’t? Often than not, the impression that women lie to mask their feelings for a man is an old line that has caused many men to lose the women that would have given them happiness in life. Not many women take kindly to being called liars especially the ones that have a very clear sight of where they are going to in life. Under normal circumstance, she should be in a very serious relationship, one that would lead to marriage in the not distant future by now. The fact that she disclosed the information on her birthday, when she would naturally want to celebrate, means she is telling the truth about the state of her private affairs. If she didn’t want you to know, is considering having a relationship with you, she wouldn’t have mentioned her boyfriend, rather she would come up with a reason other than the truth to explain her inability to spend her day with you. Besides, if she is in such a relationship, you don’t expect her to end it simply because you are interested in her. You won’t be the first man to have expressed an interest in her; other men before you too must have expressed their intentions in her. If she keeps considering every man that makes a pass at her, when will she be serious and settle down? Your feelings for her are natural. As long as a woman is attractive, no matter her age, men will always express a desire to have a space in her life. It is the way God made women and men. Therefore, what you feel for her is very natural but you must also accept the fact that she doesn’t need a reason not to feel that way about you. How would you feel if another man makes a move to take over your girlfriend? That she told you about wanting to be with her man on her birthday underscores her seriousness. The earlier you accept this, the better for you. It is important so you don’t destroy the friendship you are both trying to build with each other. Not every expression of love will end in a relationship, but every meeting can lead into a lifetime of quality and purposeful friendship. If you like and want her in your life, keep her as a friend. She doesn’t have to be your lover to share in your ideas and provide the necessary support. Some friendships have the capacity to last a lifetime when well managed by the pair involved. Respect and allow her be. Every relationship needs encouragement to grow and succeed. As a friend, you owe her this. Good luck. Dear Agatha, I have a boyfriend who either switches off his phone or simply refuses to respond to me whenever we have a misunderstanding and I apologise. I am at a loss on how to handle this situation. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, This is a sign that you have to consider so many things before going deeper into this relationship because it is ominous — a sure signal that things are not the way they should be in your relationship. You don’t ignore things like this simply because you want to be in a relationship. At the end of the day, they become the very problems that will break up the relationship. They may appear minor but will become monsters of tomorrow. Since arguments and disagreements are vital parts of relationship building, now that you have the opportunity to either remedy the situation or reconsider your options, ask him why he thinks you deserve to be treated the way he is doing whenever you both have an argument. His answers will give you a reason, a peep into his mind. Ideal love should not seek to punish but to correct. By ignoring your calls even after you have offered apologies isn’t right. He should know exactly how you feel and the many disturbing questions you are jogging around your mind. What will be will be! Keeping quiet about it will not make it go away just as talking about it will end the relationship if God says you are both going to remain an item. My fear is, if you don’t set things right now, you will never be able to in the future. Good luck.

I beat up my husband’s mistress, now he’s married to her

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, How do I handle this problem that is threatening to tear my home apart? Last month, with the help of some of my friends, I went to the house of my husband’s mistress to beat her up. The result is my husband’s decision to marry her as his second wife and bring her to live in the same compound with us. He has started clearing the vacant flat downstairs for her to move in. He says since I have gone to unearth what he kept secret from me out of respect, he no longer has a reason to keep the other woman outside. In fact he has gone with his friends and family to pay her bride price. Perhaps the worst kind of betrayal is from one of my friends, the one who urged me on to fight the other woman. She accompanied my husband for the ceremony. She is the wife of his best friend and whom I learnt recently is also contending with the existence of a mistress in her own marriage. She knew about her husband’s girlfriend but never went to fight her; rather she kept her cool, pretending she didn’t know anything. Since the incident happened, she has kept her distance from me and is actually joining her husband in castigating my action. It was even her car my husband’s mistress used in packing some of her things into the house. I really don’t know what to do because right now, I feel like strangling her and my husband. Sometimes, I feel that someone is using juju to discredit my person. I have been married for 12 years and have managed to keep my home. Although my husband from the beginning has been complaining about my attitude to things, he has nevertheless managed me; so why now that things are looking very good for both of us and he is an honourable member of our state house of assembly? I have always had a temper and been extremely jealous and he has always been aware of these facts. If at all I have done anything wrong, shouldn’t I be reprimanded instead of him marrying another woman? In my own way, I have been a very good and dutiful wife to him. I am all alone; not even my siblings are supporting me. My parents are dead. My elder sister was recently awarded a big contract through my husband’s influence so she is also keeping her distance from me. He is also responsible for the welfare of my other siblings. In fairness to him, he is caring. Despite the latest development, he hasn’t denied me anything. Just last week, he bought me a brand new car for my birthday. I give it to him, he is a good man. But, I don’t want to share him at all. I want him all to myself. I am very upset about all that is happening to me. I feel like beating her up all over again. Unfortunately, there is no one to trust with my feelings, anger and sense of betrayal. I am hurting so much because I love my husband with all my heart. He is my world. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Please resist the urge to fight your husband’s second wife. Remember she isn’t his mistress anymore but his wife. You may not like her, the situation or circumstances but, she has the same status as you do in his life as well as the same rights. The fact that she is a new member of the family puts you at a very great disadvantage. Even if she is the one at fault, the fact of your position as the first wife, a hurting one for that matter who is known by everybody to be jealous and troublesome would make you guilty in the views of the world. You have done enough harm already; don’t complicate things for yourself by fighting her again. This is fate already accomplished. Except God decides otherwise, this woman has come to stay by your own foolishness and foul temper. Your attitude gave your husband the impetus to bring her home; a decision he wouldn’t have taken if you had not gone to disgrace and expose him to his political enemies. Granted, he is wrong but you are even more wrong for going to the house of the other woman to fight her with your friends. Two wrongs have never been known to produce positive results. What if the other woman had stripped you and a photojournalist was around to take pictures of you in that state for onward publication? How would you have explained the situation to the world? Do you think the publication would have aided or destroyed your husband’s political career? As the wife of a public officer, you are expected to be above board; to apply restraints even in the face of extreme provocations while in public. Besides the affair over which you went to fight is personal to you and your husband, something you could have tackled in the privacy of your home and not in public. By your actions, you have succeeded in devaluing your husband before his subjects. You also offended those who before now had sympathy for you. This perhaps informed the decision of your husband to bring the other woman home as his second wife so you won’t have the need to go and disgrace him anymore. That he didn’t throw you out, bought you a new car on your birthday, underscores his love for you. His decision to take a new wife maybe extreme but it is an indication that you have a lot of work to do on yourself and home. I know how you feel exactly but you will only be hurting yourself in more ways than one by dwelling on the past and the event that brought her home officially. The thing now is to move on by going back to the drawing board to re-plan your marriage and relationship with your husband. Don’t forget that his attention now is divided between you and his new wife. The earlier you accepted this fact, the best for you. You now have another woman sharing your space, so things have to be done differently to remain relevant in his life. The first place to begin is your temper. There is nothing one cannot change if determined to. This temper of yours has caused you so much. It is time to banish it from your life. The best revenge for the kind of friends you have is to ensure you remain in the marriage. Rather than fight her, go on your knees and ask God for help in controlling your impulsiveness. Tell Him to make you a better person, the kind of woman who is supportive, understanding, respectful and wise when dealing with her husband. Going to publicly fight his mistress shows that you don’t care about his career or his position in the society. A wise woman knows what not to do, no matter what. The truth is that men will be men especially a successful politician like your husband. If you keep exhibiting temper and jealousy at every woman seen with him, you will end up choking him out of existence. For now, ignore the existence of the other woman and work at winning him back. You have to daily give him reasons to value and appreciate your presence in his life by being his friend and number one supporter. Strive to make the home peaceful for him and the whole family. Although he has resolved this matter in his own way, still go and apologise to him. Where you once used force, be humble now. It won’t take anything from you to say sorry. It is a start for the complete healing of your home. Overtime, find ways of being cordial with the other woman. As a matter of fact, you have to take this step to water down the influence of your former friend in all your lives. Such people should be kept out of your home because she can do more harm than she has already done. Honestly, the way you handle this challenge will go a long way in determining the success of your home as well as the happiness of your children. This is the time for you to play the role of a mother more than that of a wife until your home stabilises. It is the price you have to pay for allowing friends determine your life for you. Depend more on God for counsel than friends. Good luck

Single at 39, my pride abhors the widower available…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 39 years of age. In the opinion of everybody around me, I am extremely beautiful, a fact I am also very aware of. Ever since I was young, I have enjoyed the attention of men. Even when I don’t want such attentions, I still get them. So I got used to using my looks to my advantage, even to lure lecturers to give me a soft landing in my exams. None of my relationships lasted for long due to jealousy. I was always at loggerheads with any man in my life. Since my ways were working for me, I didn’t have any reason to bother. Overnight, I discovered that my less beautiful friends are today married with their own families. Only married men desire me. The single ones that trickle in are more interested in my body than having me for a wife. The beauty that worked for me back then seems to have become my fall. The reason I am writing has to do with my latest challenge. It has to do with the man I recently met in church, introduced to me by my pastor. According to my pastor, he is a widower. But the problem is that he isn’t my kind of man; he is short, ugly and below the standards of the men I have dated in my life. However, I am told by the pastor he is my husband; the man God wants to use in helping to remove my shame as a woman. According to my pastor, if I refuse to marry him, I will never get married in my life as God. He said the prayer of my mother is the reason I am being given this chance to marry. That God through His choice for me is to teach how to be humble. This is why I am writing for help. There is no way I can even bring myself to greet this man let alone have him for a husband. I can’t introduce him to any of my friends as the man in my life. We are worlds apart despite his claims to having a university degree in Accountancy. But like every woman my age, I am desperate to settle down and being a family of my own. All my younger sisters and brothers are married and happy with their partners. Everybody addresses me as madam. My nieces and nephews all address me as big mummy. I am so confused about everything. Please help me. Titi. Dear Titi, Are you sure you are serious about being married? From your e-mail, it is obvious that you aren’t serious about getting married at all; instead you are contented in glorifying in your beauty. Besides, what gives you the impression that the man after getting close to your person would want to marry you in the long run? No matter how desperate this man is, he wouldn’t, considering the memories of his late wife would want to risk living with a woman who has little or no respect for him. He needs a woman who is full of compassion, who is ready to assist him to heal from the horror of losing a loved one and not one who is more concerned about her looks and what friends would think of her choice. If your friends care so much about you, how come you are still single at your age and they are married with their own families? Should they have done something to help you settle down when they were contemplating their own marriages? But, it isn’t your friends who are lonely, getting expired on the viability shelf. They aren’t the ones being called big mummy when they are even yet to get the marriage proposals. A woman who is serious about her desire to end up in a man’s house doesn’t play the things you are playing up. At almost 40 you should have gone past the unrealistic phase of every woman to marry the tall, rich and handsome guy. If you are still single at your age, doesn’t it tell you that it is time to come down from your lofty heights and become real with yourself? What have you gained from dating the kinds of men you elected to date beyond heartache? I am sure if you are truthful, you will agree with me that beyond the temporary sexual and perhaps certain material gains, there is nothing meaningful in your life to point at. Life is much more than what we look on the inside. It is what we house inside of us. As you have found out from the many experiences you have had, good looks don’t guarantee happiness and satisfaction. Which is the real issue in all these. There is no way any man, even if ordered from Mars can ever give you the kind of joy and happiness you want if you lack the discipline to isolate your real self. Who are you? Beyond your looks, what do you have going for you? What can you offer a man in terms of quality contribution to his life and home? What kind of wife and mother will you make? If you were a man, would you go for a woman like you? I ask these questions because sex, which is what you have from your story offered men is the easiest and cheapest thing a woman can give a man. Therefore, it isn’t a reason for any man to want to hold down a bad marriage or any kind of marriage for that matter. For a woman to survive the politics of her husband’s house, she needs something much more to make her relevant in her husband’s life. And these things are not a woman’s look or performance in the bedroom. These are things you don’t have at all. Your mother by standing in gap for you may have bought you mercy from the Throne of Grace but you have to know what to do with it to make it work for you. There is no way you can be happy with a man if you maintain your arrogant posture. Much as nobody can force you into staying with a man you are not comfortable with, the fact remains that wisdom is integral to man’s existence. It is what makes the difference between failure and success. At this stage, you should sit down to examine what life has left to offer you. Forget what this man looks like to what he can offer you. Who is he like inside? Most of the time our glow and true nature come from within. We are mostly what we encase inside of us at all times. Our pleasantness, relationships, temperaments, attitudes and character as what we have inside of us. This is where our haughtiness and pride also come from. Whatever we are come from the inside. One maybe good looking on the outside, but if lacking in good manners becomes ugly. Give yourself a chance to be happy by listening to whatever he has to say. Train your mind to forget his looks. Behind every seemingly ugly person is a hidden treasure, the kind of beauty difficult to ignore. Granted yours is the surface kind of beauty, his could be the inner kind. It is like the raw gold; ugly at its most raw form but beautiful and precious after the goldsmith has endured the heat, pains of transforming it to the more common form women generally adore. There is no story without pains and disappointments. Life has more to offer than good looks. Explore what life offers you in the form of this man by opening your heart to listen to him. If you don’t divorce yourself from those feeling of worthless superiority you have, you will never get to know the real him. God that brought him your way has a reason. Humility is part of our transformation to God’s way; who at any rate is the most superior. Just as you are the image of God, this man you think is ugly represents a side of God, so to call him ugly is to question His ways. Pride always goes before fall. You have the right to seek clarification from God by learning to trust Him no matter what. Perhaps this will help you know what is most important at this stage of your life; being happy in life irrespective of what your friends think about your husband or making your friends happy while you cope with loneliness and unhappiness? The choice is yours. Good luck.

How do I tell her of my twins outside wedlock?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I got married 17 years ago to the most amazing woman. Although we are yet to have children of our own, my wife is outstanding and very supportive. When I lost my job, a year after we got married, she took on the responsibility of fending for us and even paying our rent. The money I eventually used in starting my business, she gave me. Although my family has severally tried to break us up, I have always stood my ground, always reminding them of those trying times when things were very difficult for me. Once or twice, I have played the field, but I have always come back home to my wife. One of those times was when I didn’t have a job and the frustration of staying at home all day really got to me. I had a serious thing with one lady I met at a bar I went to with my friends. She too was good to me and very pretty. Sincerely, if I wasn’t married or my wife wasn’t the nagging kind, I would have married that lady. The fact that she also left me without a word or a forwarding address also contributed to the end of the relationship. I doubt if I would ever have been able to let go of her. Quite by accident, I ran into the lady at a shopping mall where a friend of mine has his office about a month ago. She also has a shop there. Something stopped me from telling her why I came to the mall. I mumbled something about coming for shopping. She pointed her shop to me and I went in with her to talk. I noticed she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, so I asked if she was still single, she said yes but declared that she is a mother of two – a set of twins. I wanted to know who the father of the children was and why she didn’t marry their father. All I got from her was a simple answer of the man not being available to marry her. It was quite sometime when we parted that day. The children, according to her, were in boarding school. She didn’t give their ages and I didn’t force her for an answer. But I insisted on having her phone number, which she obliged me. About two weeks ago, I called her only for her to inform me that she was in the hospital with one of the twins. According to her, he fell while playing ball and hit his head on the ground. He has been unconscious since the incident. I told her I was coming down to the hospital to be with her. She said I shouldn’t bother, but since I knew the hospital I went despite her objections. In the ward, I saw a young lady, the mirror image of my elder sister and the boy on the bed the image of my elder brother, both of whom are twins. I am their Idowu. Something happened when my son woke up. He smiled and called me daddy. He said he saw me in his dream urging him to come back. He was discharged the next day hail and hearty. She later told me that evening why she kept the news of her pregnancy and births of the twins from me. She said she didn’t have the heart to break my home just as she couldn’t bring herself to abort the pregnancy then. She revealed it was her only chance of being a mother as doctors had told her after the abortion she had before meeting me that her chances of being pregnant again was very slim, if not impossible. I really want to have her and the children in my life, though I never planned to have two wives but I simply cannot walk away from this situation. Already, I have taken them to see my mother and siblings who are all very happy. In fact my elder sister is so smitten by the looks of the twins, she wants them to spend the holidays with her family. She has placed their picture in her living room. Her twin is also as excited. In their usual way they are fighting over who gets them first. Incidentally, none of them has twins. Agatha, I don’t know how to approach my wife with this news. God knows I didn’t plan it and would never do anything on earth to hurt her. I know this news will break her heart but it would be irresponsible on my part to turn my back on my children now. Some of my friends say I should keep my new family a secret from her, that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. I am really tempted to run with this. My family can always be persuaded not to tell her. The children and mother are also understanding of my predicament. What do you think Agatha? Idowu. Dear Idowu, When a man and woman make love without any form of protection, the man should be ready for a situation like this. It is unfortunate that someone else will have to suffer the pains, humiliation and betrayal of your actions. It is definitely going to be a deep anguish for this woman who has stood by you for 17 years, giving you her best and unconditional love. However, the harm has been done. Not telling her will not change the fact that you have children by another woman or wish the children away from your lives, so why complicate an already bad situation by keeping quiet about it? Sincerely, your final decision would depend on how much you cherish and love this woman. If you are genuine about your feelings for her, you will tell her irrespective of what it will cost you in terms of pride and humility. This is something you really have to do on your own, because it involves you begging her from the essence of your being. Nobody will ever be able to reach those places you can, so you just have to do it especially as she, from your own admission, has given you peace and respect as her husband. Not every woman who hasn’t given her husband a child would be that supportive of his business and happiness. I am sure if she were the kind that confides in some friends, they probably would have been urging caution on her part regarding how she spends on you and home. There is no way she wouldn’t have been warned by a friend that you will one day leave her for someone else due to her inability to have a child for you. She wouldn’t believe you didn’t do it deliberately. Who would? When a man is desperate for a child, he is capable of doing anything to have one. You will only be hammering home this statement by keeping quiet about something as important as this. Besides, she will never forgive you if she finds out from another person. By then it would be too late for you to redeem your marriage or for her to ever trust you again. This isn’t something you must rehearse for too long. The danger gets higher everyday of someone getting to her first. She will be very hurt to discover that not only did you not tell her about them but also you are keeping them away from her. Allow her to make the decision of whether or not she wants to get to know the children and their mother. As soon as possible, call her and narrate the truth to her. But before you do, tell a very close friend or relative of hers. Someone who won’t be critical of you in her presence; someone whose voice she respects. Once you break the news to her, call that person to come and stay with her. This is important to avert another tragedy. She deserves nothing but the truth after 17 years of being married to you. Don’t try to paint a picture of how you wished things turned out differently or how you didn’t plan it to happen. Even if true, she will never believe you and would appear as if you are trying to patronise her. Allow her to cry and deal with her hurt. This is something she has to do on her own. Be mindful that for now it will appear to her all her 17 years investment in you and her home have come to naught. She needs time, understanding and patience to overcome the shock of your betrayal. One thing that can help heal her quickly is the way you handle the successive events. Be clear on how your involvement with your children and their mother. If you want to marry the other woman, don’t pretend, be clear about it. It is best your wife knows what is in the can for her right now. It will aid her in making her decision. However, bring the other woman and the children home to meet with her. Prevail on the other woman to come and beg her as well as give her the chance to be with the children during the holidays. Avoid doing anything that will remind her of her inability to have a child. As the man at the middle of it all, you owe it to yourself to be fair to your wife at all times. She doesn’t deserve anything less from you at this critical time when the challenge in your marriage will be traced to her by everybody. Good luck.

Should I marry as HIV positive woman ?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a lady of 26 years of age. I am worried, confused and afraid of going into a relationship because of my status. I am HIV positive, and most time when a man I really like approaches me for a relationship, I usually turn down such request, because of my status. Instead, I insist on being friends with such a man. With the way things are going in my life will I ever get married? Please I need your advice. Worried lady. Dear Worried Lady, Don’t condemn yourself on account of your status or help a man to make up his mind even before giving him a chance to know what the challenge before him is. Love has a way of making what appears imperfect become so perfect. There are some men and women who submit completely to the power and meaning of love no matter the package it comes in. These are the people who are ready to go the extra miles for the person they love. Haven’t you heard and seen very handsome or pretty women opting to marry extremely physically deformed persons on account of love? God in His wisdom has a way of balancing His acts. It is a simple matter of trusting Him completely. If you keep turning down every request made by men to date and get to know you, you will never get that important chance to discover the man meant for you. You have to give a man the chance to see beyond your looks, your status to the real you. The real you is what he is going to live with at the end of it all. Everything including sex, youth, beauty, health and agility will one day eventually fade away in life, but never the essence of one’s being. This is the part good and wonderful memories are made of – the part of our being that remains pure. How we live our lives, the kind of values and happiness we give to those around us come from here. For those who are deep and farsighted, this is what they look out for in their life partners. When the soul of a person is cast in solid gold of happiness and goodness, there is no way the partner will not overlook what he or she looks like on the outside. There is a huge life out there after testing positive to HIV. It is a matter of knowing what you want and going about it with a sense of huge responsibility. You won’ t be the first or the last. As long as you tell the man at the centre of your heart the truth concerning your status, give him a chance to make up his mind on whether to go ahead with you or not, then there is nothing to fear or ashamed of. The fact that you are HIV positive doesn’t necessarily make you promiscuous. The world is better informed these days sufficiently enough to know that there are other ways of contracting HIV that have nothing to do with sex. So also has the stigma and perceived horror of it reduced significantly. These days, the death sentence associated with the condition has given way to certain measure of optimism following break thorough in medical science on wonder drugs that can reduce the spread of the virus in the body. The boldness of certain people to tell the world the truth about their status and the good health they enjoy through the help of these drugs have also given hope to where none once existed. The result is a less fearful and tolerant society. More than anything else, a lot of people understand that despite testing positive to HIV, one can live a fairly normal life with an understanding partner. Besides having broken the barrier of being strangers to being friends, you can tell one or two people you know can for now keep your secret. The reason is to give yourself the needed boldness to face the reality of the situation on the ground. Honestly, this will determine your question of whether or not you will ever marry and have children. You will marry and have children if you stop taking pity on yourself by breaking the protective walls you have built around yourself. Break through come only after a spell of pains and disappointments. As a matter of fact, the stories are sweetest when they come after situations like yours. Learn to be more trusting in God and His unique ways because in His diction there is nothing called impossibility. When the right man comes, not even his family can stop him if God has ordered it. But you have to come out of your shell first. Good luck.

Does it make sense I tell my relatives she’s older?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will be 30 this month. I am still single and still a complete novice when it comes to the issue of women. Recently, I met a lady who will be 32 in two months time. I am seriously thinking of getting married to her. Nobody in my family is aware that she is two years older than I am. In my mind I am bothered that it might be a wrong move not to tell my family members. Don’t you think it is wrong for me not to tell my family about her age especially as her menopausal years aren’t too far away? Please I need your counsel? Ida. Dear Ida, Relationship or marriage is an agreement between two persons to share their feelings and lives. And for this arrangement to work perfectly, certain things have to remain between the couple forever. This is what makes a marriage more than a sexual union to being a spiritual, emotional as well as physical coming together of two complete strangers. The point a man or woman takes confidentiality between couples out of a relationship, the consequences is exposure to all kinds of damaging influences from outsiders whose views on how things should be done in one’s life is defined according to the every person’s selfish interests. Only God should be the third person in a marriage or relationship. There is no way your family will not shoot down your attempts to marry a woman older than you. It is natural for them to, because the thinking of a lot of people is stitched in time that a woman must be younger than her man for the sake of the order of things in the house. A younger woman is most likely to take orders from an older man than from one she is older than. But we know from the quality and experiences of many couples that being younger than one’s husband doesn’t translate to respect for him. Therefore the real issue here is what do you want from life? I think you should start from there first, and not bother yourself too much with her age or the fact that at 32, she is already into dining with menopause. Women who are a lot older than her still manage to get pregnant and have healthy babies. Medically at 32, she still has many good years ahead of her. As long as nothing is wrong with her womb or your reproductive system, don’t worry about the viability of her womb. She is just as capable of giving you healthy children as any younger woman can. Like I said, concentrate on getting to know her. Everybody is blessed with a special attribute, difficult to replicate in another person. That you found her worthy of your interest is a step towards finding out about her. Nobody in your family is going to live with you once the ceremony is over. So the woman you will be spending your life with has to be someone you are comfortable with as well as one you will like for the rest of your life. This is why the decision has to come from you. If you like her, study her. Observe the way she treats you when you are alone and when with friends. Is she the kind that respects you, will she support you no matter the situation, be more than a wife? Is she caring, supportive, understanding, has the right temper and loyal to you? Is she dependable and trustworthy? These are very critical points to ponder on more than the issue of her age. Since nobody in your family can guess she is older than you from looking at her, it means she isn’t looking her age at all. So why make an issue of it unless, you are the one who is really bothered and merely looking for an excuse to end the relationship. This is the point you must be very honest with yourself. It won’t serve any good to pretend you aren’t bothered about her age when in the real sense of it, you are. If you don’t see yourself being able to live with her with the knowledge that she is older than you, let her go. Be man enough to tell her your reasons and not use your family as an escapist route. Your answers are in your ability to face reality. Be real and be truthful to yourself. Good luck.

Can I be my lecturer’s lover?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, A young lecturer in my department is interested in dating me. Though he is nice and claims to be single, he has this reputation of being a womaniser. I don’t want to get hurt. Besides, I don’t want people to query my certificate. What do I do? I am confused and I need your help. Vina. Dear Vina, Although there is no law prohibiting romance from developing between a single lecturer and his female student, the motive of the relationship has to be right and well focused. What is his interest in you? To sleep with you for the fun of it simply because he is in the position to extract revenge if you don’t by failing you in his course or he sees you as a young and promising woman he has interest in? It is also a function of what you want from life and your vision of the kind of man that will help you to achieve these dreams in life. If he wasn’t your lecturer, would you date him? Do you consider him worthy of your attention and feelings? Be real with yourself at this important point of your life. In plain English, do you have any kind of feelings for him and simply scared of giving it freedom to fly because he is your lecturer? Granted, being a womaniser is bad news for any woman wishing to date a man, however, a clear understanding between the two of you can straighten this rough edge. It is a matter of knowing where your individual limitations are and the motive for entering into the relationship. That you are dating a lecturer doesn’t automatically nullify your certificate in the eyes of the world or makes you a subject of gossip. A lot depends on how responsible you both are and the caution you apply to your affairs. If his intention is to marry you at the end of your course, there is no way he would allow you to play with your studies. Often than not, gossips and questions come about from the kind of attitude the woman at the centre of such sensitive relationship puts up. If you are an exhibitionist, it will attract unnecessary attention and interest in your private affairs. But if you are able to handle it maturely by knowing when to make your affair private as well as when to make it public, nobody will make an issue out of a student dating a young lecturer in search for a life partner. If you really think there is a possibility, listen to what he has to say but be clear on certain things you want. But a word of caution here, don’t assume you know what he wants from you. Give him the chance to explain what he has in mind. Thereafter, make obvious from the beginning that your reason for dating him. Also, he has to do away with all his excess loads. And the only way you can be sure is to insist that until you graduate, there will be nothing intimate between both of you. This way, you will be able to correctly tell what his real interest in you really is. If he agrees to a sex-free relationship, nothing should stop you from following your heart. In life, our individual happiness is very essential. Don’t live your life for others because what works for some people may not work for others. The only barrier here is you. If you like him, begin by being friends. And if you don’t, explain your reasons for not wanting to be part of his life. Make it clear to him that inasmuch as you like and respect him as a person, you don’t have the kind of feelings to enter into a romantic relationship with him. Let him know that the feelings have to be right before you allow any man into your space or occupy your heart. Let him know that it is nothing personal. Plead with him that you wish you could manufacture the feelings to give him what he wants. If he now insists on victimising you for turning him down, go to God in prayers for directions on how to handle the situation. There must be one or two persons close to him you can report him to. Do that and if it fails to achieve the desired result, threaten to report him to the authorities should he award you low marks. On your part, fight back with your intelligence and self-confidence by studying to pass very well. Only excellent grades can authenticate your story of sexual molestations against him should he take that path. Furthermore, having the right kind of conduct will make it difficult for him to turn the case against you. Good luck.

How do I prepare my daughter for marriage?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am an orphan who grew up in a motherless babies’ home. According to records, my mother abandoned me by a dustbin where I was found. I didn’t particularly like life at the motherless babies’ home but I didn’t have a say in the matters concerning my life. Fortunately, I went to school, got a job and left the home to be on my own. I was able to further my education to the university level. My first attempt at a relationship got me pregnant. Unfortunately, my partner died before he could introduce me to his family. Since I had a good job, it wasn’t difficult for me to fend for my daughter and myself. She became the centre of my world, especially as she looked like her father. After the birth of my daughter, I was able, through the help of his best friend, to locate his family. His parents were very nice and accepted the child without too much questions. According to them, they didn’t doubt the paternity of the child since she reminded them so much of their dead son. They took care of the child and I as best as they could. When the dad died, being their only child, they passed on everything they had to her. I didn’t marry because I wanted her to have the best of my love and care. I didn’t want her to feel loneliness like I did when I was her age. I wanted her to be very happy and secured; something I may not be able to give her should I marry. Now, she is about to marry and this is the area I need your help. It has always been the pair of us. I don’t know anything about marriage or what it entails for it to be very successful. I have done my best as a mother to train her to be responsible but there is the fear in my heart that I haven’t done enough to prepare her for this particular task of being a wife. I am very independent-minded and have taught her to be too. But something tells me deep inside that this may not be too good for the well being of the home. I know my child; she can be very irrational and argumentative, but she is an angel inside. How do I prepare her for the institution? What do I tell her, given the fact that I have never experienced matrimony? I want her to be a good wife and mother to her family. She is 27 and her wedding is on July 28. Please, help me make my girl’s home happy. I don’t want anybody saying she failed because she is a product of a single parent. I want her to keep whatever you say as a treasure. Incidentally, she is a great fan of yours; hence I plan to bind all the copies of your Marriage Clinic into a form of book for her as a wedding gift. Enitan. Dear Enitan, You come across as a very good and reasonable mother; an assurance that you have given her the right foundation to be a good wife to her husband. It is immaterial if you have been married or not. Motherhood is about helping our children value life in the right ways. Your concern demonstrates this fact. With your kind of mother, I doubt if she would make the mistake many young girls make concerning the management or otherwise of their homes. Every woman desirous of enjoying the support and desires of her husband must learn to be respectful. No matter her level of education, position or influence, the fact that she is leaving you to take on the name of another man means she should at all times be respectful to the man and his family. In the home of that man, she is your ambassador, the one who tells the kind of training you have given her. Therefore, at all times, it behooves her to show humility and deference to her man. No matter the kind of provocation she experiences, what he does, she must never raise her voice against him or join issues with him when tempers are high because two wrongs can never be right. At such times, she should simply keep quiet and allow him be before explaining her side of the story. Tell her a marriage isn’t a court of law where one has to claim rights always. Even when right, wisdom demands she should learn to let go for peace sake. Men have this natural tilt towards authority. As the head and leader of the home, it is his right to be obeyed even when it is wrong to do so. At least for that moment, she should learn to until she gets her time to voice her concern and reservations about certain decisions she isn’t pleased with. To argue with him when the iron is still very hot will cause commotion in the house. Marriage is a market place of patience, tolerance, selflessness, caution, loyalty, prayers, friendship, understanding and wisdom. Every action she takes must be thoroughly thought out before she makes them. This is to prevent misunderstanding and hurtful words that cannot be retrieved when the situation eases off. At all times, she should be careful about the kind of words she uses on her husband or children because of the power of words. This means she must be on her knees everyday, praying her family into peace and success. In the same way, she should pray out those things she doesn’t want in her marriage. Talking to God about a problem lessens the burden of fighting or nagging her husband. It also makes it easy for her to say sorry easily to her husband. At all times, she should involve God in her marriage. His presence clears the fog of disharmony. Tell her that love is like cultivating a beautiful garden of precious flowers. For the garden to grow and remain evergreen, it requires time, attention, devotion, patience and extreme care to bring out the best of the plant and from the layout. It is the same way with growing, nurturing and keeping a marriage. Weeds, in the form of impatience, careless words, neglect and lack of attention have to be kept out of the marriage at all costs. To keep them is to bore a huge hole in the heart of the marriage; the kind that gets wider if care is not taken on time to patch things up. Tolerance is about knowing when to ignore and say certain things. It is also appreciating when to let go completely of some matters for the sake of peace and happiness in the long run. This is important; letting go is essential because marriage is about two completely different people coming together to make a life. This is why she has to let go because values and ideas are different. Allowances must be made in every marriage for the peculiarity of the other person’s strength and weakness. Her job as a wife is to always cover up her husband’s weak points, never letting an outsider know what these weaknesses are. She must, at all times, be available when her husband desires her body and presence. Romance should be exciting and lovemaking adventurous Sometimes too, it isn’t just about lovemaking but about having quality time as a couple to discuss and bond. This would make it easy for them to become more than lovers to being firm friends. When couples become good friends, they are able to develop the kind of relationship no challenge can permeate; rather they become so attached to each other that they are able to joke about seemingly serious matters tearing down other marriages. No matter how busy she gets as a wife, mother and person, she should never make the mistake of neglecting her home or the food her husband eats to the care of a house-help. A wise woman cooks her husband’s meals, washes his clothes and keeps his home clean. Allowing another woman do these intimate chores is like conceding her territory to the woman. Her husband’s care should be her business. She should also make out time to take her husband out, including for very naughty weekends; sending romantic and suggestive test messages, buying him gifts as not just his wife but as his girlfriend. The idea is to engage and keep his interest at home always. A woman should be able to play the role of her man’s girlfriend and wife effortlessly. It is the method wise women have used to keep their homes fresh and exciting. She should never be shy to introduce an idea or method to her romance with her husband. If she fails to do so, other smart women will, which would spell danger to her home. She should also learn to endure her in-laws. Having a liberal mind helps her to view things more objectively rather than sentimentally. This will help her in no small way to keep her immediate family together. Good grooming is also a factor in a successful marriage. She should always strive to look her best. In all, marriage is a journey of eternity. She should be determined to make it work at all cost. Good luck.

I’m the houseboy, sex machine, alias husband…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two years ago, I met and married this woman eight years older than I am. As at the time I met her, I was desperate for financial assistance. My business wasn’t going as it ought to. Nothing seems to be going in my favour. My girlfriend of five years was also mounting pressure on me to get married because time wasn’t on her side anymore at 32. I was getting fed up with everything when she chanced into my life. Right in front of my office, her car broke down. Observing her through the windows, I knew she knew next to nothing about car. She looked like one used to giving orders and being driven. I had to come down the stairs to assist her with the car. That was how we became friends. Before I knew what was happening we had become a pair. Naturally my girlfriend, who got very angry and upset with the whole thing, fought her. It was all the excuse I needed to end the relationship. Despite pleas from family members and friends, I ignored everybody and went ahead with my decision to marry this woman who by then had given me N2million to boost my business. Without informing my family, I agreed to go to the Registry with her. I only informed my parents after the ceremony was over. Her friends were our witnesses. It was after I married her that the scale fell from my eyes. I am nothing but a glorified houseboy and sex machine. I also discovered that her children, three of them, are fathered by different men who are responsible for her upkeep. They are all influential men, from the three main tribes of Nigeria. They all pay her well to keep the children off public glare. She is equally into blackmailing these men for one juicy contract or the other. When any of these men comes to the house, she introduces me as one of her staff. That day, she would not allow me near her room and right in my presence sleeps with them. Any attempt by me to assert my position as her husband usually meet with denial of money and the little luxury she allows me. Sometimes when her other male friends come, she sends me to sleep in the boy’s quarters. The children neither respect any of her friends nor me. On two occasions, she actually urged me to sleep with one of her friends; when I refused, she ordered my office closed and all the cars I drive seized. Whenever I oppose her, she will cut me off everything. She only allows me near when she needs me in her bed. I feel used. The worst thing is that my former girlfriend found someone else and got married about a month ago. I discovered I still love her and want her back in my life. My business isn’t moving as I want to. I feel so helpless and don’t know what to do. From the little I have seen of her, she won’t hesitate to kill me if I attempt to leave her. She is too connected for someone like me to mess around with. The beating up of one lady I tried to date early this year shows she can be very ruthless. I feel like I am in prison. Please how to do I get out of this can of marital bondage I have committed myself into? I want a real marriage where I can have children. This woman isn’t ready to have children with me. She married me for reasons best known to her. The only time I ate her meal was the day we got married. I get invited to her room whenever she needs me. I don’t know what to do at all. Terry. Dear Terry, You have a choice to continue to live under the conditions she has imposed on you or do the manly thing of walking out of the charade you call a marriage. Even though you married her out of selfish reasons, greed to get access to her money, the fact that she sleeps with other men under your nose is enough reason for you to file for a divorce if you want to. This is in addition to asking you to sleep with her friends. You have every ground to ask for an annulment of this marriage. But it is something you must be prepared to go through. Nobody can make you stay if you don’t want to. You are still married to her and enduring the situation because of greed. Another man would have asked to leave the very first time she introduced you as her staff to her male friends. The fact that you stayed, agreed to play the role of a staffer while the men slept in her room portrays you as a young man determined to do anything for money. Unless you are truthful to yourself, you will never have the motivation to end this thing. If you are honest with yourself, you must have seen one or two signs in the beginning that told you the kind of person and marriage you were going into. But because you wanted to reap where you didn’t sow, you went into it ignoring the pains your action would bring on your ex and your parents. The woman settled for you because she knew from the beginning that you aren’t the kind of man that would give her problems in her business and life. She wanted someone she could cage, bend to fit into her cupboard of tricks to play the role of a husband to her. She threw some money at you and you did exactly what she wanted. The fact that you were willing to turn your back on your five-year-old relationship and parents for the chance to marry her confirmed her précis of you. Only greed could have made a man act the way you did. It is rather too late in the day to wish for your ex. God has compensated her with another man. So allow her be. You clearly didn’t value her when you had her to yourself. Another man did and has demonstrated that by marrying her. There are two major kinds of marriages. One we go into with love and happiness, and the other with the motive of greed. Sincerely, beyond telling you to take a complete work from this marriage, there is no other help that can be offered you. But one thing is for certain, once you get to that point when you can no longer endure the humiliation, the fear you have of her killing you or doing something to you will disappear. That is the point when your endurance level disappears; the peak when the fear you have now will completely disappear. By then, the urge to be free and have a proper marriage, live within your means and grow the needed respect as a man will make you act. But until that time comes, nobody can make you see reason because right in the middle of your dissatisfaction with her now is her refusal to give you the kind of money you expected from her. Granted that you sometimes have the vision of having a normal marriage, you are still too much into what you can get from her. You must be honest enough to ask yourself why you married her. Once you are clear about this, you will know what to do with yourself, life and this marriage. No life is worth its glow without certain measure of risks. In the same way, there are different kinds of deaths. You can elect to stay in this marriage and kill your essence as a man or take the risk of being killed by recovering your self worth as man. Good luck.

Before I’m sacrificed for our daughters’ failed marriages…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in my late 50s. I have three children, two girls and a boy. They are all married. But my daughters are both back home. Their marriages didn’t last for more than a year. The first one was brought home with her child by her husband 18 months into her marriage. He told me when I asked what the problem was that I didn’t do any work on my daughter. He has since filed for a divorce and set to marry another woman. His, people when I called, told me to keep my daughter. The mother actually described her as being useless and very rude. My second daughter didn’t last as long as her elder sister. Barely six months into their marriage, her husband and his mother came to complain about her conduct. Without holding anything back, they told me that my daughter couldn’t even boil water hot. That since they married her, she hasn’t been able to cook a meal for the husband forcing them to eat outdoor every day. They also complained about her dirty habits and very rude disposition towards everybody, including her parents-in-law. She came home about two months after that visit. All the while, my husband didn’t say anything; he just kept a distance and stony silence. It was almost as if he didn’t notice our daughter was back home. The only time he said anything to anybody at home was when the grandchild demanded for his attention. But all these changed when our second daughter came back home. There was nothing he didn’t say to me. In his opinion I am responsible for everything happening to our daughters. He called me a bad mother who destroyed the lives of our daughters. He said, since I didn’t allow anyone to correct them when they needed the corrections; I should find ways of undoing all the damage I have done. He has given me six months to effect the change or quit his home with my daughters. He has actually stopped sleeping in the house, actually moved to the house he rented for his second wife. He married her following a huge disagreement we had over my attitude towards my children. He told everybody that cared to listen then that he wanted to secure his old age. I don’t know what to do with my daughters. Not even their brother is on our side. He too, like his father, is blaming me for their failed marriages. I have prayed and fasted over these problems, but the situation is the same. I don’t know where to begin at all or who to turn to. It is like somebody has put a shroud of hate over my daughters. Nobody from their husbands’ families has come to look or plead for them. My pastor says I should continue to pray that the storm will blow away, but I am afraid because the husband of the second one, I heard, is also planning to get married. Please help me. I don’t want my husband to gloat over what is happening to my daughters especially if the daughters of his second wife have successful homes. Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, No amount of prayers and fasting will undo the damage you have done yourself and daughters if you don’t take positive steps at correcting them. What is happening to your children isn’t spiritual at all. You are at the root of their problems. They have become problems to you because you failed as a mother to equip them with property for their roles as wives, mothers and companions of their husbands. Daughters, when they become wives, are the kind of training mothers gave them by what they said to them or did in their presence when young. If your husband took on another wife because of your behaviour, then it follows that your daughters got their attitudes from your behaviour as well as training. A wise woman at the point her husband took another wife for the reasons your husband gave would have sat down to do a lot of deep reflections. Had you done that, it would have saved you these many embarrassments your daughters’ conducts are putting on you. Their father can afford to issue ultimatum because your duty as a mother is to shape positively the lives of your children. This is the time for you to give them the right training else you will never be able to hold your head high in the family. Rather than worry about your stepchildren’s marital viability, concentrate on ensuring that you undo all the wrong things you have done. It is when you do the right thing that God can hear your prayers concerning them. The first thing is to teach them how to be good mothers and wives. As a mother how did you feel hearing that your daughter cannot cook for her husband? If your son’s wife weren’t doing the things he expected of her as a wife, would you be happy? Let your daughter realise that there is more to marriage than sex and having children. A man must be in a right frame of mind to function as a husband. Teach them how to cook, clean their homes and how to talk to their in-laws. Take a look at your marriage: are you really happy at the way things have turned out? Do you think your husband would have married the other woman if you were half the woman you were created by God to be? The fact that your husband has gone to live with the other woman on account of the shame your daughters have become shows that the other woman is a better manager of her children and devotion to her husband. The two families your daughters married into returned them not just because they can’t cook, but also because they are lacking in respect. A woman without respect, no matter how good looking she is or great a lover will not last in her husband’s house. If the in-laws decide to look the other way, the husband won’t. He will overtime find himself a woman who is respectful. Let them know the importance of respect to everyone. Being married yourself you know how important a man’s family is to him. There is no way your husband would have married another wife if his family hadn’t thrown their weight behind him. That woman is happy today as a result of the support she enjoys from your in-laws. In the same way, they are refusing to come to your aid because of your own attitude towards them. This is something prayers cannot change. Sit your girls down and do everything humanly possible to educate them on the value and benefits of showing respect to people. It helps to dim one’s faults and makes favour easy to get. I am sure if these ladies were respectful, one or two persons would have offered to help teach them how to cook or go out of his or way to plead their cases. A woman lacking in respect is like a chicken without feathers. Respect is what gives a woman flavour and character in the sight of her husband and in-laws. Let them learn how to value people. Those things you neglected to teach them as young girls should be taught them now. As long as they are willing to learn and you know what to do, things will work out right for all of you in the end. The real challenge is for you to get past your inherent pride. Go with your daughter to beg their father, so he can bless them. Plead with him to help you with your children, because what you don’t have, you cannot give. This is the time you need his discipline and wisdom to help your daughters move on with their lives. There is no way he would gloat because they are his children. Contrary to what you think, he is simply said at the things happening to them. He holds you, and not his daughters, responsible. Without the right foundations, they will continue to suffer failed marriages. Allow anybody who can help you with their reformation do it despite their ages. They are still capable of being happy with other men if they get it right this time around. Encourage them to take lessons in cooking. They can engage the services of someone who cooks well to teach them how to cook various meals while you insist they clean their own mess. For instance, if you have house-helps helping with the house, let your daughters clean their own rooms. Stop indulging them; scold them when they put up an attitude by reminding them that you won’t tolerate rudeness or laziness in your home. Chances are if you make the house too comfortable for them, without occasional reminders that you are uncomfortable with their presence in your home, they may never realise the need to change for the better. Let the one who has a child take full responsibility for the care of her child. As a mother, admit to your own failures in their predicaments. Once you are able to do that, you will come to enjoy them through prayers and fasting. Good luck.

Her husband threatens divorce over my calls…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please I need your help. My ex-girlfriend is married with children likewise me, but the fact is that I’m still in love with her. I still send her text messages and call her frequently. The big problem now is that her husband is threatening to divorce her unless she stops picking my calls. Please advise me on what to do, should I stop calling her or ignore her husband’s threat to divorce her? Sunny. Dear Sunny, What are you trying to do? Wreck her home? If she was very precious to you, why did you let her go when you had your chance to marry her? In her husband’s shoes, how would you feel if your wife’s ex keeps calling her? Is it that you are out for revenge or you don’t have respect for this woman’s home? Whatever your reasons are, it isn’t love, because if what you really feel for her is true love, you will do everything humanly possible to protect her home and marriage. Love is caring, sensitive and selfless. There is no denying the fact that what you feel for this lady isn’t any of these. If you care for her, you would be concerned for her happiness and security in her home. You would have long disappeared from the scene to give her and her family the chance to be happy together. Even if she desires to forget you, your calls and messages aren’t making it easier for her to forget. The fact that you both once dated and a part of her appears to miss what you both shared, your presence in her life will never make her let go. This is where a matured and very sensitive man would walk away completely from her. The more you stay around her, the more complex you are making things in her marriage. She needs all the time and concentration in the world to make her marriage work. You are certainly a distraction to everything a marriage stands for. You obviously are selfish and callous-the kind of person who is so wrapped up in his world to care what becomes of others. The fact that you are even contemplating ignoring her husband’s warning about divorcing her is indeed an indication that you care only about yourself. Even though the woman in question is acting foolish by taking your calls, you should at least be more matured in this matter. On the whole, it appears you lack knowledge of what marriage is all about. No marriage survives with a third party in it. You are the third party in their marriage, a huge factor threatening the peace and harmony of another mind. Unfortunately the time you would have deployed into making your marriage work; apparently, your marriage isn’t working: you are investing into reviving something that died the day you both went your different ways. This is a clear testimony that, you also lack respect for your own wife and marriage. A man who reverences his home and wife would never do anything to hurt another couple. Rather than waste precious time trying to date another man’s wife, who not sit back and look for the missing links in your own marriage? That your mind appears fixed on your ex, means a lot of things are currently missing in your marriage and life. This is the time for you to take a look at all the things you want and are not getting from your marriage and the woman in your life. Start by asking yourself what is so compelling about the other woman that makes her evergreen in your memory? Do you know what these are? If you don’t, why not seek answers now before you destroy two marriages? Even if you don’t cherish your marriage, why not do it for the sake of your ex, the one you claim to love? There is no marriage without its challenges. Yours can only vanish if you apply yourself to making it work against the many odds confronting your persons. There is no arguing the fact that our hearts sometimes chase after something we lost in the past, the truth however, is without giving the present the opportunity of making its own history, the quality of the future will be affected negatively. If you persist in your unreasonable approach to keep in touch with your ex, you will never be able to make anything out of your marriage; the result would either be a very sorry marriage or a complete divorce. Painfully, you won’t be the only one to suffer its consequences. Innocent lives will be affected by your own apathy – your wife and the children being the major victims. At the end of the day, you would have succeeded in making a huge mess of the lives of innocent people, some who will never recover from all these. The other woman has nothing to offer you. She has her husband and children to think of. They represent certainty while you are uncertainty. Don’t forget that the factors that cause your break up the first time are still there and would only be complicated by the many people that are now integral parts of your lives. But if you take time off to unearth the fundamental problems in your marriage with a view of addressing the issues, you will be leaving a worthy legacy for your children. Encourage your wife to talk about her fears, dreams and plans for the marriage and future. This way you will be able to deduce the problem areas in your marriage and plan how to eliminate them. In addition, create the opportunities for both of you to get to know each other again. Begin the process of wooing her all over again. Make it a second opportunity of getting right the things you got wrong in the first place. Chances are you may really not have given yourselves the chance to find out more about each other. This is the time to make amends. Find out everything about her that would make living with her fun and happy. Trashing the image of the other woman would open your mind more to receive all the information that make living with your wife better. A good marriage takes effort to build. Plenty of sacrifices go into it as well as wisdom. Even if you love the other woman passionately, this is the time to make the sacrifice required for everyone to be happy. By letting her be, you have made the vital sacrifice to protect her marriage and name. Going by the threats of her husband, his reasons for ending the marriage would be based on infidelity. I am sure you wouldn’t want her image to be so rubbished on account of your calls and text messages. By then it won’t matter to people that both of you didn’t sleep with each other. The conclusion of everyone would be that she actually did it with you. If for nothing, but because of what you once shared, end this thing and give her the gift of a happy home. It is the least sacrifice you can make for the one you claim to love. In addition, imagine the emotional pains of her husband; the torments of all the thoughts that would daily be going through his minds especially when she has to go out and doesn’t come back early. Sincerely, you are lucky because other men would have found ways of putting you out of action. Jealousy can make a man do unimaginable things; including mindless murder. So it isn’t just a case of allowing her enjoy her marriage but of you saving your own life at the end of the day. Only the living lusts after a woman. Acts of provocation are given light sentences in the courts of law. There is no greater provocation than what you are doing to this man and his family. He deserves the right to be happy with his wife. Good luck.

How can I stop this funny habit?

With Agatha Edo , Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I read your blog for the first time and was happy at your responses to issues brought to you. I also want you to help me sort out my own problems. I hope you will help me too as you did for others. I am 18 years old and, for five years now, I have freely indulged daily in the habit of stimulating myself to sexual satisfaction. I have become so worried because I want to get rid of it but I am not able to. The habit is beginning to affect my studies and I am ashamed because of it. I cannot discuss it with anybody especially my parents. I cannot even tell our family doctor about it. Please tell me what to do. I am bothered because it is very capable of ruining my life as I do it in excess. Ashutosh Dear Ashutosh, You are right. This is very capable of ruining your life completely if you don’t grow the determination to beat the habit. It is a matter of being honest with yourself and knowing what you want to become in life. There is no practice one cannot get rid of once one is determined. You must begin to place the negative side of your over-indulgence on self- stimulations on the front burner of your life. Ask yourself these vital questions each time the urge comes: Is this habit worth sacrificing your future dream for? How far will this carry you in life? What have you benefitted from it in all the five years you have engaged in it? Asking yourself these questions at the high point of your urges will scale down to an extent the potency of the urge long enough for you to reason out the essence of it all. You have stayed on this habit for too long so much so it has become an integral part of your social life. The danger of not doing anything about it is that of you preferring it to the real thing the very reason a lot of men become affirmed gays. Although this may sound outrageous and offensive to some people, but you might need to get yourself a girlfriend whose presence will bridge your passion for self-stimulation. She will help take your mind off this habit as well as introduce you to the natural way of sexual expression. While I can recommend prayers but experiences in the past have shown that when a habit becomes as addictive as you have become on your dependence on masturbation, spiritual remedy has to be combined with practical steps to make it work. Even if you pray from today till eternity, if you lack the kind of determination required to stop it, the prayers won’t work. Having a girl in your life would give you someone to talk to; someone who understands the way your mind works, know the things you have to endure in the process of keeping with your habit and the inherent struggle and loathsomeness that follow every failed attempt to stop. The reason for the presence of a woman in your life isn’t just to help ease your sexual tension but to lighten the burden of your mind. The more you talk to her, the more your mind drifts away from the urge to find release. Her presence will give you the opportunity of seeing how things can be between a man and a woman. If she is an understanding woman, she will help channel your attention and focus to your studies and the need for you to get out there and make the difference in your dreams to be great in life. It is also important you begin to define sex from another point of view. Enjoyable as the experience is, it is dangerous to make it the most important thing in your life. Its substance is amplified when given its due respect and placement. This is because it never goes away. It is one thing that stays on through life. If you begin now to apply all your time and energy on something that would stay with you throughout your journey in life, what energy would you use in future when most necessary? Importantly, life is about investing the right things because you get back what you invest. If you spend your very prime time thinking and masturbating, chances are that you may not get the actual value of what you are worth. At every point, remind yourself of the many regrets that come from people not being able to get to their heights. Good luck.

My pastor says my mother-in-law is a witch

With Agatha Edo , Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been married for eight years and have three daughters. Right from the very first day my husband took me home to his mother, she didn’t and has never liked me. I also didn’t feel any need to pretend about my feelings towards her. Because of this, she is determined that her son takes on another woman who is from their village. I know this because after my third daughter, my husband started to behave strangely. His mother didn’t bother to come to help me with the baby as she did with the first two children. Although my husband hasn’t said anything about bringing in the other woman but I went to see a pastor who said my inability to conceive since having my third daughter almost three years ago has to do with my mother-in-law whom he described as a witch. According to him, she is the reason I have been unable to conceive again. He said she didn’t want me to have a male child for her son hence has tied my womb up. He said I should never allow her sleep in my house again because each time she comes to stay, she always deposits some substances in the atmosphere in and around my home. I was so angry that the next time she came, I refused to allow her spend the night. Since my husband wasn’t home, it was easy for me. In the process of insisting that she doesn’t come into my home and resisting her attempts to sit down to wait for her son, my hand hit her. She knew it was an accident but she told my husband that I beat her up in addition to calling her a witch and being responsible for my inability to conceive after our third child. Because of this, my husband is asking I pack out of my home. I have tried pleading with everybody close to him to beg him but he remains adamant. Please help me. I don’t want to lose my home at all. I am willing to take back all I said if only to stop him from throwing me away and frustrating his mother’s dream of giving him another woman. I don’t have anyone to turn to. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, In the first place why would you prevent a mother from visiting her son and grandchildren? If she were a witch, would she allow you have children at all in that house? What kind of struggle did you get into with her that made your ‘accidental hitting’ appear like beating? How would you feel if your mother comes home with the story of your brother’s wife not allowing her into the house of her son? Even if you are responsible for the rent and up keep of the home, disallowing your mother-in-law into your home is the height of disrespect to your husband. No insult can be more grievous than struggling to prevent her from coming into your home. This woman had it within her powers to prevent your marriage to her son from the very first time he brought you home. If indeed she is a witch, she would have done anything possible to ensure the wedding never took place. That itself should have told you that fate and not her is responsible for your female children and that when the time comes for you to have a male child, you will. Our life is set in stages. Any attempt to hasten the conclusion of one stage, often than not, ends in a huge mess. No matter what your mother-in-law did to you, struggling with her not to come into her son’s house was very wrong. You don’t have any defense or excuse for what you did. The issue here is, can you struggle with your own mother the way you did with her? Can you tell your mother not to come into your house or tolerate a situation where your husband tells your mother not to come into his house? No matter what this pastor said to you concerning her, you should have applied wisdom in handling the matter. Besides, all the while you have been married to her son, how many times has she brought another woman into your house to introduce as your husband’s second wife? Mothers who are serious about their sons taking another wife usually take it upon themselves to source and marry another woman for their sons. Allowing you to stay in her son’s house eight years without attempting to physically force you out points you more to your marital problems than your mother-in-law or husband. The truth of the matter is that you have been brainwashed yourself into believing that she doesn’t like you at all. The fact that you also have daughters makes you so apprehensive that you are willing to think the worse of your mother-in-law. She may not have come to help with your last child based on your attitude towards her. Her attitude towards you all these years may have been instigated by your own open antagonism towards her. Chances are if you made the effort of being friends with her, her attitude towards you may have thawed all these years. Whatever name she is called, she remains the mother of your husband who is the father of your children. There is no divorcing her presence from the life of your husband or your children for that matter. If she is a witch, it means your husband’s mother and your children’s grandmother is a witch. In one way or the other, you are related to a witch. Would you dare brand your mother a witch? So which approach is better; praying for her to have a change of heart or fighting her because she is a witch? Lets assume the pastor is correct that she is a witch; how would fighting her change her or prevent you from having a male child? If anything, you have simply compounded your case and given her a good reason to vacate you and bring the other woman, if there is any, into the house. When visions or prophecies are relayed; they are meant by God to help influence our attitude towards certain things or people. Wisdom demands that when these issues concern our family members, we tread with caution at all times. If your husband is ever going to listen to you, only his mother can make him change his mind about you. I appreciate it might be a little difficult getting her to listen to you but a lot depends on how desperate you are about keeping your home. Get people from your family to go first and apologise to your mother-in-law on your behalf. The agenda should not be to beg her to intervene on your behalf but to plead with her to forgive you. This is absolutely important so that your children will have a say in their father’s house. When a woman marries, she doesn’t marry the husband alone; rather she is married to everybody in the man’s family. You must learn to treat your mother-in-law with respect; the kind you show your mother. At all times, a woman must appreciate the woman who gave birth to the man she calls husband and love of her life. You should remember that there can never be your husband without this woman you loathe so much. Follow it up by going to her yourself with gifts items to make peace with her. Cry and do anything including sending her grandchildren to plead with her but, ensure she forgives you. This is because you need the platform to make peace with your husband. This should be in addition to praying to God for mercy. Once you are able to get the mother to even listen to you, it will be a lot easier to settle the rift in your home. There is no way your husband won’t listen to his mother’s plea that he takes you back. Good luck

My girl’s ex humiliates her everywhere…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want to start by appreciating you. I am seeking help for my girlfriend. Before she met me, she was dating this man who got her pregnant. He refused to do the honourable thing of marrying her in addition to abandoning her and the child. The strangest thing is that he beats her whenever he sees her, and collects whatever amount of money he finds on her by force. The latest is taking away her phone. The most amazing thing is the attitude of her parents who say she deserves the kind of treatment she is getting from the man. Emeka. Dear Emeka, Unfortunately, she is making another costly mistake by not ending that relationship properly before going into a new one. The fact that the father of her child can come and go in her life as he pleases is itself a danger to her and whosoever is in her life. That man is no over her, the relationship is only pending. They must come together to discuss the future as it concerns both of them and the child. This situation will persist until they both have the maturity to sit down and discuss the future of their child. She has to fight for her freedom from this man who appears determined to make her life a living hell. This is something you cannot do unless she prompts it. The only time you can is when your interest in her becomes official and common knowledge to everybody. In the interim, encourage her to stand up to this man and procure her freedom if she wants to be completely free of the mistake she made in the past. This she can do by either involving the Police or telling him to his face that she has had enough of being bullied. The fact that she has a child for the man doesn’t give him the right to humiliate her at every opportunity unless of course there is something about that relationship she isn’t telling you. Obviously this man is a bad mistake in all ramifications. But unless there is something behind the story, he has no right to beat her up whenever he sees her without her doing something to protect herself. It isn’t a normal reaction. The normal thing would have been for her to confront the man and ensure he is made to suffer the consequences of his actions. That she is taking it with docile resignation means there is more to this story. This is the juncture she tells you all there is about her relationship with the former man with a view of getting re-organising her life as well as helping her mend the relationship with her parents. Her parents’ seemingly strange behaviour may not be unconnected with the kind of attitude or things she said to them when the relationship with the other man started. Chances are that her parents warned her against the man. As the new man in her life, this is where your help is needed to make things right for all of them. Go to her parents and find out why they aren’t doing anything to prevent the humiliation of their daughter by this man. Listen to their story to enable you know how you can help mend fences between her and her parents. This is important to both of you. Every parent wants the best for his or her child. They are naturally disappointed at her choice and conduct. Their attitude is to help her come to her senses and teach her how to prioritise things in life. Seeing you will go a long way in changing their attitude towards her. Furthermore, help her put the past behind her by going back to school, if she dropped out of school to have this child or begin something to support herself and child. This is important because life is a maze of uncertainties, what appears to good today may develop a favour you are no longer comfortable with in the later days. By helping her be on her feet again, you would have given her a new life, something worthwhile to hold on to for life. God may have brought you to her life to assist her in giving new definition to everything that concerns her life. For now be the friend she needs to restore her life to what it was intended to be from the beginning. Good luck.

She left four years ago, now back begging

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this lady I have been dating since 2004. Severally she has broken my heart and each time she comes back to beg for forgiveness I find a place in my heart to always forgive her. I was really in love with her. But what she did last broke the camel’s back. In 2007, without any explanation, she left me and went to Calabar where she spent four years. She came back this year and called me to take off where we stopped. I told her it was impossible since there was another lady in my life, a woman I love very much. Since then she has been calling me every day to demand I hear her out. I am really getting fed up and confused by this development. Please help me out. Confused Man. Dear Confused Man, From where I sit, I don’t see any problem at all, so why are you confused? Unless, you don’t know what you feel for your current girlfriend, aren’t sure you really are in love with her? You don’t have any business with your ex. You are confused because somewhere in your heart, a part of you still desires your ex; a situation if not properly handled could destroy your chance of moving your current relationship beyond its present level. You really have to take full charge of your emotions to avoid you losing the love and support of a woman who truly cares about you. Granted certain things in our past cannot be changed, but the present and the future give us the opportunity of re-navigating our lives to the channels that are best profiting for us. The real lessons in life aren’t the pains and disappointments we go through in life, but how well we manage them. More often than not we apply sentiments rather than good judgement in things we should be very practical about. Reality is, her time is past. She doesn’t owe you at all. It is very assuming on her part to ask you to take her back after four years of being away and no word from her. Whatever her reasons for going to Calabar in the first place, should ideally have been discussed by both of you and an understanding reached concerning your relationship before she left. The fact that she left without informing you is taking too many things for granted. Coming back four years after to demand you take her back is asking for too much. Even if you weren’t into another relationship, it still wouldn’t have made sense for you to take her back simply because she desired it. Relationship isn’t a tap you turn off and on at will. So many things other than sex go into the building of a relationship. One of such is mutual respect. A woman who doesn’t see anything wrong in multiple relationships is evidently lacking in respect for her man. Even if she feels she is the prettiest girl in town, the fact that she is in a relationship with you should make her sensitive to your feelings as a man. Frankly, she has gotten this far and bold because in a way you gave her the impression that you cannot do with her, that there is no offence or thing you cannot forgive. This is why she has the boldness to propose you allow her back into your life. The fact that you even consider it a challenge enough to ponder over it showcases you as a man lacking in principle. Deep down, something inside you still desire her, so stop lying to yourself and face the truth. A man, who is truly over a woman, will not even consider the presence of this kind of woman let alone worry over the absurdity of her desires. This is what she is capitalising on and the reason she is putting the pressure on you. This is the point you make the vital decision in your life as a man. While you reserve the right to take her back if she is the kind of woman you need in life, but be sure you are clear sighted about the implications of your decision, especially how it would affect your well being in your wrinkled and grey years. Don’t kid yourself about being able to change this kind of person. Her ways are too set for you or anyone to change unless the decision comes from her. Even though you don’t know what is actually happening to you, go to God for help. This other woman hasn’t done anything wrong. Her only offence now is falling in love with you while you still secretly carry a touch for your ex. Good luck.

I married the father, pregnant for the son

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is no name you will call me that I haven’t called myself. I feel so ashamed, but I cannot help myself. My husband of one year is 26 years older than I am, while his first son is two years my senior. His first wife is late. We met when he came to visit the father of my best friend. Through my friend he got my number and since he was loaded, I went against the counsel of my family and friends to marry him. I have always told anyone that cared to listen that, I would marry for money and not love because of what my mother went through in the hands of my father and his people. So when he came with so much money, I didn’t consider the age differences. His children too didn’t support me, but since he was in love with me; they didn’t have a choice but to accept me especially as he threatened to disinherit any child who went against his wishes. As at the time I married him last year, his first son was away in England. Now he is back and I find myself wanting him more than anything in the world. Severally, I have tried to make him sleep with me, but he won’t. I know I am acting shamelessly being married to his father, but I simply cannot stop loving him. This prompted me to seek the help of a spiritualist who gave me something I have been putting in their drinks. The spiritualist gave me two different substances he said would make the son love me on one hand and the father to hate me on the other hand. From the moment they each drank their substances, the son became all over me while my husband doesn’t even care about me or know anything happening around him anymore. Since my husband started taking the substance, his health has started to depreciate so much so he is now a shadow of his old self. He behaves like a baby. He appears to have lost all initiative of his own. About three weeks ago, he suffered minor stroke. His family members are now accusing me of being the cause of his problem. As if that isn’t enough, I am pregnant for his son. When I told him, he sat down and began to cry, denying ever sleeping with me. He said he isn’t a bastard that would attempt sleeping with his father’s wife. Something tells me he has recognition of what took place between us but he isn’t so sure of it. However, he avoids me these days and refuses to come near me. He obviously has regained himself. The friend who took me to the spiritualist says we should go back to renew the charm and that I should keep the baby. But what will happen if my husband dies? From what I am seeing, I would be without anything if he dies. And even if I keep this pregnancy, his son may never accept it from me. The only thing I can do is to pass it off as his, but should they insist on DNA test, will it not reveal who the real father of the child is? Do you suggest I keep the baby? How do I make the son accept the paternity of the baby should the test point him as being responsible? My friend said going back to the spiritualist would undo what he did to my husband, but that would mean having to explain to him how I came about the baby. I am so confused. Please, help me. I need your help urgently. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, Calling you names won’t resolve the issues on the ground. But the truth has to be told irrespective of what you think. You have definitely wrapped yourself in a very tight web, one that will definitely cause more problems for you if not properly managed. Even at that there is no wishing away the permanent injury your selfishness has brought on this once happy family. First thing you should do now is to desist from discussing your problems with your friends, especially the one who took you to the spiritualist. You have done so much harm already. Your going to that spiritualist is mainly the cause of the huge commotion in your life. This is of course in addition to your greed as a woman. If not greed, you should never have married him in the first place, because you knew you didn’t have any feelings for him. Having married him, you should have also have realised that temptations will come from other younger men and prepare for it. Your responsibility to your husband is to remain faithful to him at all times. At the point you said you do to this man, you had no right to be interested in another man, especially his son. Nobody forced you into marrying him. You did of your own accord, so you should have had the reserve to resist the attraction of another man. It was the same greed that pushed you to the spiritualist who did what you paid him to do – to gradually kill your husband all because you desired his son. What did you expect that the son would continue in an affair with you after the charm wears off? He can deny being the father of your child because he slept with you against his will, he wasn’t even aware of what he was doing because your charm blinded him to reason. The simple truth is, all the time he was sleeping with you, he wasn’t conscious of the act. So that part of his brain is completely blank. If you argue with him from today till tomorrow, he will never be convinced that he is the father of your unborn baby. Besides, how are you going to explain to the world that you were sleeping with both father and son at the same time? What moral ground do you have to insist that your stepson got you pregnant? Furthermore, the issue on the ground now goes beyond the issue of your pregnancy to the life of the man who is very ill as a result of the substance you gave him. It would be in your interest to pray he doesn’t die in the process because you remain the prime suspect especially if poison is found in his system. Do all you can to reverse whatever the spiritualist did to put him in that condition. Go back to the spiritualist to undo whatever he did to your husband. What is important now is his life, and not the mundane issue of the paternity of your child. The only offence that man committed was to propose and marry you. He sincerely doesn’t deserve to die on account of that. So, if you felt anything for him at the point you agreed to marry him, please do it to save his life. Even if you don’t need him, his children do. He married you because he wanted company in his old age following the death of his wife. You really don’t have to stay married to him if you don’t want him anymore, but allow him the grace to his health and life. How would you feel if he eventually dies as a result of the things you have been putting in his drinks? If despite the charms you have been lacing the drinks of the son, he still manages to regain his senses it is only a matter of time before your husband becomes aware of what you have done or who got you pregnant. At least from the age of the pregnancy, he would know if he is responsible or not. The knowledge that you are pregnant with another man’s child is enough; getting to know that his son got you pregnant will definitely kill him. So the responsible thing is for you to bow out of their lives, because you lack the qualities this man needs in his woman. Marrying for money is one thing. It becomes frightening when you become desperate enough to go to the length you had gone in order to achieve your aim of charming both son and father. Marriage needs commitment, loyalty, sacrifices and selflessness to make it work at every point. Once a woman cannot give it to her husband, there is no basis for the marriage. If you were talking from the point of regret at what you have done to this family; it would have been a different story but that you are more bothered about your baby and person means given the opportunity to do what you did all over again, you won’t hesitate. Self-discipline makes a whole lot of difference in life. You lack it. Since money is your motivation, you may get something out of him if you insist on divorce while he is still alive, but if you stay until he dies, you will never be able to get anything. As for your pregnancy, you knew what you were doing when you made the choice to sleep with your son-in-law therefore the choice to keep it or not is yours. Even if the DNA result remains inconclusive since father and son share the same gene, in your heart you know who the father is. This issue is a matter of conscience. If you have one, you will know the right thing to do. Good luck.