With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Until I began to read you three years ago, I held the view that columns like yours were a sheer waste of newspapers’ space. But I have since come to realise through your efforts that people like you are not just doing great jobs, but that you are very gifted in what you are doing.
I know this problem may sound strange but I am really worried and afraid of its consequences on my home and life. What more, I feel I am responsible for it.
You see I married my wife a virgin 16 years ago. I married her a very timid and respectful woman. She trained as a teacher but from the very beginning of our marriage I made it clear I wanted a full time housewife.
From that time, she has remained at home tending to the children and me. I opened a shop near the house for her when she complained she was getting too bored doing nothing.
I really didn’t need the money from her because the salary I made as a top bank executive was more than enough for us to live in comfort.
Although my job was very demanding, I sometimes come home very late when the whole household was asleep. I naively thought she understood me very well.
Once or twice she I made attempt to protest my constant absence from home, but I always shoved aside such complaints. I reasoned she had no need to grumble because every year, she and the boys always visit any country of their choice. We have three children, all boys. The eldest is 15 while the youngest is nine.
I have never denied her anything within my powers to give. We have also never had any fundamental issue in our marriage. She does as I tell her. I was very much in charge of my home. At least, so I thought.
To make matters worse, I didn’t even perceive any change in her person or attitude until one afternoon on my way to an emergency meeting in Abuja, I came home to get some few clothes for the trip.
You can imagine my shock when I walked in on my wife and her lover. Right in my living room, he was kissing her. Needless to say, I couldn’t go for the meeting. I had to call on my deputy to go in my place. If I expected her to be remorseful, I was wrong. She told me it was over. That she was tired of playing second fiddle to my work. She told me that all the years we have been married, I have never treated her as a person. That the only time I know she is a woman is when I want to sleep with her. She told me to go and marry my work.
That night she didn’t bother to sleep at home. Fortunately, the kids were in boarding school, so I didn’t have to explain the whereabouts of their mother to anybody.
For two weeks, work was the last thing on my mind. It was the longest time I had been away from my desk without being on official duty.
When news of what happened in my home got to our families, my immediate younger sister and only sibling blamed me for neglect. She told me how many times she had come to my house and found my wife weeping and complaining about my attitude towards her. She took time to remind me of how she had tried to draw my attention to what I was doing to my marriage and self but that I didn’t listen.
My children also took side with their mother. As a matter of fact, my eldest son told me I wasn’t much of a father to any of them. He said, I should marry my job and money and leave their mother alone to be happy.
It has been six months without her and my children. It may sound strange but I have come to realise that certain things are more important in life than money, but I don’t know how to get her to even listen to me. I am a lonely man who needs his family back.
Agatha, please help me. I have forgiven her because I found out from my sister, that the date with the man I caught her with was her first and that they havent slept together. Through the efforts of my sister, she dropped the idea of filing for divorce. If there is one thing with her, she doesn’t lie.
I don’t know what to do to bring my sons and wife back. Please help me.
Zeb
Dear Zeb,
Go to her and your sons. We are all prone to making mistakes as we journey through life. The important thing about falling is our ability to rise again. Both of you have made mistakes and since you as the head of the home has come to that important place of realisation, that point when we take stock and know that we are responsible for the reactions of others around us, then solution is at hand.
Since your wife is close to your sister, get her to fix a meeting between the two of you. Even though you are willing to forgive and forget the past, there is the need for both of you to talk first. You have to know the deepness of her pains, disappointments, resentment, shame and determination to know how to approach the issue.
Don’t assume that simply because you have realised your mistakes, willing to forgive her and move your marriage on that she is keen on coming back to you.
Both of you must appreciate that for your marriage to survive its injury you must go back to the very beginning. You both need something vital and interesting from the past to navigate the future. Without the memory of your early days, even you may get to a point of regrets later down the road. Just like she has to answer the vital question of whether you are enough for her, you must answer the question of whether you will be able to delete from your memory the sight of her in another man’s arms.
Will you ever be able to trust her; beat your chest that she is with you all the way? I ask these questions not to discourage you but to make sure that you have really put this nasty experience behind you. The tragedy of asking her to come back while you are still holding her to her mistake would be too much for you, your children and marriage to bear. This is why you must exorcise completely the damage that incident did to your psychology as a man.
It is also important you get to hear from her what she intends to do with that relationship. Though it sounds out of place to discuss your wife’s other relationship with her but given the reality on ground, it is important you also get to hear from her and know where you actually stand with her. It would be dangerous for you all now to assume that she still want the same thing as you do.
Bear in mind she has suffered emotionally longer than you have done and has had more time to think of her options. It may not be easy changing her mind in a day. This is where you have to draw into the hertiage of your past. If she is right that you have never had time for her due to your work schedule, how do you plan to resolve that problem? How are you going to make out time for her now when you have never seemed to be able to do that? This is one question you must have a ready answer for before meeting her. Frankly, this is the crux of all these problems you are having in this marriage. You have to go to her with a solid arrangement to convince her that you are also willing to make the necessary sacrifice for the marriage.
One thing you must never overlook is this, a woman that has made up her mind to leave her home for another man must have given a lot of thoughts to the consequences. And for your children who are boys and your only sibling to go with her shows that she does have a point. She may be condemned for her decision but you pushed her into it.
The fact that you could delegate when you walked in on her and the other man, stayed at home for sometime after she left shows that all along you were simply using the job as an excuse to stay away from the home. It may not have been your intentions in the beginning, but over the years it actually became one for you to escape staying at home. Do you know the reason you have been running away from your home and family all these years? The knowledge is integral to the successful resolution of this issue between your family and you.
Even if you have made up your mind to leave the job, to have more time with them, you must be honest to admit why you have all these years deliberately neglected your family. Such admission would be of assistance to your wife in knowing where to pay more attention to in her appearance, home or relationship with you. It would also explain a lot of things, which until now have been a source of concern to her, like you having affairs outside the home. You will have to explain so many things to her and later to the children too.
The bottom line is that you must be ready to make extreme sacrifices while seeking this peace.
Above all, appeal to God who has all our hearts in the palms of his hands to intervene in this matter.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Trusting him could be very dangerous…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
We have been in a relationship for about two years now, and have actually discussed marriage. Along the line, he informed me he was under pressure from his family to have a child. He said his mother is worried that at his age, he is yet to have a child. He is about 40, while I am 37.
I found it curious that his mother and sisters whom I have spoken with on phone did not pressurise him to make the formal move to marry me, but to have a child! He passed the pressure to me to get pregnant, as a condition for marrying me, after he must have confirmed that the pregnancy is his, which presupposes I haven’t been faithful to him.
As if that wasn’t enough, I also discovered he has said some very damaging, derogatory and unprintable things he has been saying about my daughter and I to someone I housed for more than two months. This made my guest to view my daughter and I as being morally bankrupt. Not only that, he also confided in this person his plan to relocate from Lagos where we both live back to our state. We are from the same state.
All the while, he made me believe he was planning to secure a better accommodation to enable my daughter and I move in with him after our marriage. Painfully, he would come and sit in my house to discuss my daughter and I in low tone with my guest without my knowledge. My source said the guest in question refused to tell him all that my supposed fiance said about me, which means I may never know the extent to which he has soiled my name.
I felt betrayed and hurt by the discovery that I meant nothing to a man who professed love to me. I never knew he would be so callous as to reveal my innermost secrets to a complete stranger, and also the shocking discovery that he had all along been lying to me about his real plans. He had nothing to say when I confronted him. I called off the affair. Now he is begging me to take him back, with the rather lame explanation that he said those things out of anger because he had information from the same person that I was unfaithful to him, which is not true. He has also not denied that he was making plans to relocate home without my knowledge. Is this somebody I can trust?
RSE.
Dear RSE,
There is a drought of trust in your relationship. Frankly, your relationship as it stands today has no substance to make it succeed beyond its current level. Your seemingly act of desperation to marry irrespective of whether the man is right for you as well as his lack of trust in your person are factors militating against the growth of your relationship. It would take more than mere promises on both of your parts to make it work. It would take honesty and determination to get this relationship back on track.
That he could reveal everything you told him about your past to your guest underlines the presence of a major flaw in your relationship before now. The truth is that in your bid to marry at all cost, you elected to ignore certain signs in his person and character. You have in the last 24 months build a dream on your own needs rather than on the viability of the relationship you are in.
Whatever the pains his obvious betrayal of your trust has caused you, time is now for you to really re-evaluate what this relationship is all about. And the first place to start is how much you know of the man you are so desperate to marry. On a scale of one to ten, how would you score your knowledge of him? Given what has happened, how much trust can you invest in him and the relationship?
Granted, he has come back to beg you but, is that enough assurance considering the damage he has done to you and your daughter? Deep down do you think you can ever bank on him to entrust certain secrets in his care in future? This is one area you should look and really consider before giving him your final answer. Can you tell how he would react to information about you from another person? Even if the information he got about you from your guest is true, there are better ways of handling such matters than sitting your guest down and passing all the information he has about you to the person.
A matured man would have confronted you with the information not engage in character assassination. The fact that he did this should make you very careful how you proceed with him. Marriage isnt just a today thing, it is a forever journey. Respect and loyalty are essential ingredients in the making of a successful union. You may succeed in getting him to walk you down the aisle, but how sure are you of getting him to stay faithful to you? Faithfulness isn’t just about him not having affairs with other women, but also in helping to preserve your dignity as the woman in his life. Even if your guest wanted to gossip about you, his willingness to also gossip about you encouraged your guest to say more.
Had he rebuffed your guest, there was no way information about your past would have been forced out of him by your guest. Honestly, this should be your real worry about coming back to him.
While you reserve the right to your decision, be sure you have what it takes to overcome the backlash. Certain things must be gotten right from the beginning of a relationship to prevent greater problems in future. If at this stage he is already giving you conditions for marriage, what do you think would happen when things don’t go as you plan? What promises does this relationship hold for you beyond your desire to be married? If you desire a happy married life, these are very important areas in your relationship you must have the boldness to discuss with him.
If he is unable to broach the matter, take the bulls by the horn by insisting on discussing them. Now that he is coming to plead with you to come back is your best time to put the relationship on the right footing. You must be resolute in finding out from him what he has against you and your daughter. Including your daughter in his tales to your friend is something you must not gloss over.
It shows a certain level of resentment against your daughter. It is important you know what his antipathy against your daughter is. It also points to the need for you and him to discuss the issue of your daughter clearly. Don’t assume he is comfortable with her coming to stay with both of you. This would inform how you proceed with him or the kind of arrangment you make for your daughter. You must know if his seemingly dislike for you has to do with the fact that you already have a child. It pays not to take things for granted. Ask him what his challenges are with you and the relationship. This step will help you get a clear picture as well as understanding into his person.
To get it right, you also need to take an introspective look at your person. Have you, at anytime, given the wrong impression about yourself to others around you? Though, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but sometimes we unwittingly give others reasons to gossip about us through the kind of lifestyle we adopt. It may no longer work for this relationship but will help guide you against similar mistake in the future.
The fact that your guest also had one or two things to say about you presents you not just as a poor judge of human character but a woman who has to be careful of the kinds of people she surrounds herself with.
Like I earlier said, the ultimate choice is yours but learn to be honest with yourself at this crucial point in your life. Rely more on the wisdom of God who sees the end from the beginning because what we think is what we want may end up being the opposite of what God desires for us.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
We have been in a relationship for about two years now, and have actually discussed marriage. Along the line, he informed me he was under pressure from his family to have a child. He said his mother is worried that at his age, he is yet to have a child. He is about 40, while I am 37.
I found it curious that his mother and sisters whom I have spoken with on phone did not pressurise him to make the formal move to marry me, but to have a child! He passed the pressure to me to get pregnant, as a condition for marrying me, after he must have confirmed that the pregnancy is his, which presupposes I haven’t been faithful to him.
As if that wasn’t enough, I also discovered he has said some very damaging, derogatory and unprintable things he has been saying about my daughter and I to someone I housed for more than two months. This made my guest to view my daughter and I as being morally bankrupt. Not only that, he also confided in this person his plan to relocate from Lagos where we both live back to our state. We are from the same state.
All the while, he made me believe he was planning to secure a better accommodation to enable my daughter and I move in with him after our marriage. Painfully, he would come and sit in my house to discuss my daughter and I in low tone with my guest without my knowledge. My source said the guest in question refused to tell him all that my supposed fiance said about me, which means I may never know the extent to which he has soiled my name.
I felt betrayed and hurt by the discovery that I meant nothing to a man who professed love to me. I never knew he would be so callous as to reveal my innermost secrets to a complete stranger, and also the shocking discovery that he had all along been lying to me about his real plans. He had nothing to say when I confronted him. I called off the affair. Now he is begging me to take him back, with the rather lame explanation that he said those things out of anger because he had information from the same person that I was unfaithful to him, which is not true. He has also not denied that he was making plans to relocate home without my knowledge. Is this somebody I can trust?
RSE.
Dear RSE,
There is a drought of trust in your relationship. Frankly, your relationship as it stands today has no substance to make it succeed beyond its current level. Your seemingly act of desperation to marry irrespective of whether the man is right for you as well as his lack of trust in your person are factors militating against the growth of your relationship. It would take more than mere promises on both of your parts to make it work. It would take honesty and determination to get this relationship back on track.
That he could reveal everything you told him about your past to your guest underlines the presence of a major flaw in your relationship before now. The truth is that in your bid to marry at all cost, you elected to ignore certain signs in his person and character. You have in the last 24 months build a dream on your own needs rather than on the viability of the relationship you are in.
Whatever the pains his obvious betrayal of your trust has caused you, time is now for you to really re-evaluate what this relationship is all about. And the first place to start is how much you know of the man you are so desperate to marry. On a scale of one to ten, how would you score your knowledge of him? Given what has happened, how much trust can you invest in him and the relationship?
Granted, he has come back to beg you but, is that enough assurance considering the damage he has done to you and your daughter? Deep down do you think you can ever bank on him to entrust certain secrets in his care in future? This is one area you should look and really consider before giving him your final answer. Can you tell how he would react to information about you from another person? Even if the information he got about you from your guest is true, there are better ways of handling such matters than sitting your guest down and passing all the information he has about you to the person.
A matured man would have confronted you with the information not engage in character assassination. The fact that he did this should make you very careful how you proceed with him. Marriage isnt just a today thing, it is a forever journey. Respect and loyalty are essential ingredients in the making of a successful union. You may succeed in getting him to walk you down the aisle, but how sure are you of getting him to stay faithful to you? Faithfulness isn’t just about him not having affairs with other women, but also in helping to preserve your dignity as the woman in his life. Even if your guest wanted to gossip about you, his willingness to also gossip about you encouraged your guest to say more.
Had he rebuffed your guest, there was no way information about your past would have been forced out of him by your guest. Honestly, this should be your real worry about coming back to him.
While you reserve the right to your decision, be sure you have what it takes to overcome the backlash. Certain things must be gotten right from the beginning of a relationship to prevent greater problems in future. If at this stage he is already giving you conditions for marriage, what do you think would happen when things don’t go as you plan? What promises does this relationship hold for you beyond your desire to be married? If you desire a happy married life, these are very important areas in your relationship you must have the boldness to discuss with him.
If he is unable to broach the matter, take the bulls by the horn by insisting on discussing them. Now that he is coming to plead with you to come back is your best time to put the relationship on the right footing. You must be resolute in finding out from him what he has against you and your daughter. Including your daughter in his tales to your friend is something you must not gloss over.
It shows a certain level of resentment against your daughter. It is important you know what his antipathy against your daughter is. It also points to the need for you and him to discuss the issue of your daughter clearly. Don’t assume he is comfortable with her coming to stay with both of you. This would inform how you proceed with him or the kind of arrangment you make for your daughter. You must know if his seemingly dislike for you has to do with the fact that you already have a child. It pays not to take things for granted. Ask him what his challenges are with you and the relationship. This step will help you get a clear picture as well as understanding into his person.
To get it right, you also need to take an introspective look at your person. Have you, at anytime, given the wrong impression about yourself to others around you? Though, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but sometimes we unwittingly give others reasons to gossip about us through the kind of lifestyle we adopt. It may no longer work for this relationship but will help guide you against similar mistake in the future.
The fact that your guest also had one or two things to say about you presents you not just as a poor judge of human character but a woman who has to be careful of the kinds of people she surrounds herself with.
Like I earlier said, the ultimate choice is yours but learn to be honest with yourself at this crucial point in your life. Rely more on the wisdom of God who sees the end from the beginning because what we think is what we want may end up being the opposite of what God desires for us.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Odd start in life dims my self-esteem…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a very low self-esteem despite my educational qualification. I am a graduate of Mass Communication.
From an early age, my sisters and I were given the impression by our parents that we were worth nothing; that only their male children were the real children.
While we the female children were sent to public schools, the male children who are far younger were sent to good schools with boarding facilities. We grew up with the impression of being second hand citizens.
We were forbidden to have friends, both males and females. Our routine was house to school or church and then back to the house. We were not even allowed to visit relations.
Apart from this, we were often forced by beatings to admit to something we never did. So, whenever any issue comes up and our parents accuse us, we simply admit to doing it because whether we did it or not, we would still be punished, to the extent of having injuries. Even as an adult today, the scares of those injuries are still very visible on my body.
Throughout my university days, I could not make any friend, even though
I would have loved to have a good and reliable one. So often times, I was labelled a very proud and arrogant girl. No matter how hard I tried, I could not mingle.
Now, I am out of the university and working. I find it difficult relating with people the way I should. Because of this, some people think I am arrogant while others say I am aggressive. But I know the truth of it all is that I am being hunted by a very high degree of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
I cannot look at any body straight in the eyes. I feel very shy, even though I am not an introvert, yet I am not humorous. I don’t know how to make people around me warm and laugh.
My boss had told me to be more amiable and friendly but no matter how hard I tried, it always seemed faked.
Besides this, I am a very fearful person. Any little thing scares me, makes me shiver and keeps me off balance. My boss and every other person at my office have noticed this weakness in me. Often times, I see myself as an underdog, I allow people to cheat me and go away unable to fight for my right.
Generally, I am very boring. I also think I am not very wise, smart and intelligent even though I am very beautiful.
Please I need your help, teach me to be a good and wholesome lady to everyone around me and even to my very self.
Ayo.
Dear Ayo,
There is no help anybody can render if you refuse to help yourself. If you continue to put yourself down, it is only expected that people would follow your example. You are what you say are. If you say you are worthless, unintelligent, dull and uninteresting, people will hook on to the signals you are transmitting to place you.
Deep down do you think, given the type of parents you have they would have wasted their resources on you if you weren’t intelligent or didn’t give them sufficient reasons to know they weren’t wasting their money on an unproductive investment? And do you think your boss would have kept you if he weren’t gaining anything from employing you? That he is only concerned about your disposition shows he is very satisfied with the quality of your job.
What happened has happened. The only way to change a bad past is with determined success. You must do everything within you to refocus your life from the path of hatred, low self-esteem to happiness for your sake as well as for the sake of your future children.
You must resolve to do things differently and successfully too by shunning everything that brings back those painful memories of yesteryears.
It is the only way to show your parents that they were wrong and unjust in the way they responded and treated you and your sisters as well as make them remorseful for all the things they did to you all.
What you are battling with is no longer the attitude of your parents but the memories of all the things they did to you. Your parents you can cope with by either avoiding them completely or challenging them with your success and forcing them to apologise to you and your sisters.
But you cannot confront your memories without a determination not to allow it affect the way you respond to things around you now that you are an adult. Memories are very powerful and potent so much so it can ruin success if not well managed.
The only way you can challenge these painful reminders of your past is remembering the good side of these people. Yes, the pains may be more but at least they didn’t stop you girls from acquiring an education. That you are today a graduate is a testimony of their acknowledgment of your rights as a human being. Many female children of parents like yours were never given a chance to go to school. Many of them became premature mothers even before they left their diaper years.
Be grateful that you didn’t have to struggle to get an education on your own or wife to a man you don’t love as well as mother to children you aren’t emotionally prepared or matured enough to nurture. Had any of these happened, your story could have been worse? So be grateful that your parents despite their way of thinking still saw the need to send you to school.
Perhaps if you look at their attitude from another angle, the memory of your time with them might change a little with better understanding of why they did certain things.
Their willingness to sponsor your education to the university level, even if you attended public schools, shows they were not totally indisposed to your welfare as a woman. Only a set of parents with sound educational value would sponsor their girls to school. Therefore their attitude could have been informed by other factors they were not prepared to disclose to you and your sisters.
One possibility is fear. The girl child is very delicate and the nightmare of many parents, who never cease to worry about the unexpected happening. Although, it is something they never admit to, the fear of a girl child being sexually abused or getting pregnant before her time is never far from the mind of a parent. From the beginning of creation, parents have had the challenge of how best to control and manipulate the hormonal influence on the girl child. This has led to parents and the society taking many measures, some very dehumanising, like circumcision to put the girl child under control.
Your parents may have adopted harshness and an uncaring attitude to put your sisters and you in check, a sort of measure to ensure you don’t get derailed. They used the weapon of fear to instill discipline. It is their way of ensuring you have a solid moral ground. It is the only way they know.
You may not have found it funny but if you look at your experience as the desperation of a set to ensure their girls don’t go astray, your memories won’t hurt so much.
You need to feed your mind with something positive to neutralise whatever pains your past has imprinted on your mind.
In a way, you may never completely get over the memories but giving yourself the opportunity to trust in those around you would go a long way in helping your come to terms with your past as well as the peace to be happy with who you are, those around you and your choices.
Your parents were too hampered by their own fears to trust their daughters hence their attitude. To overcome, you must learn to trust. With trust comes faith and with it come friendship and an understanding to do the impossible.
You don’t have become a social butterfly to be friendly but offering understanding and a smile could change the way a lot of people regard you. With it also comes the confidence to do the impossible.
Importantly, use whatever disadvantage of your past to build a new focus of strength for yourself. A lot of people have turned experiences like yours to their strength. God never allows anything to happen without a reason.
You are now an adult, no longer a child, hence cannot continue to blame your parents for your own decisions. You no longer have an excuse to blame your past because you are now responsible for your choices as well as the future. Very soon people around would get tired of you using your past as an excuse for your failure to do certain things. Then it wouldn’t be your parents’ problem but yours.
At this stage in your life, nobody can put you down if you don’t allow anyone to. Nobody has the right to make your decisions for you if you don’t give them the right to. You are past the age of permission and have everything in you to effect changes in your life in the areas you don’t like. You don’t have to fight to have your rights restored. By simply and politely insisting on your rights and decisions would warn people against taking liberties with you.
Yes, your parents made a lousy job of parenting you. Since then, what have you done beyond blaming your parents for your woes, to give your life the colours it deserves to be happy?
Getting rid of your fears begins with believing in yourself and your abilities as a person. You are afraid because you have failed to identify what you are good at. Recognising it would give you the confidence to terminate fear in your life.
Asking God for His reasons as well as His desires would provide you with new dreams that might help secure the understanding of parents for their female children.
Our experiences in life are always meant to build us as well as help the society become better.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a very low self-esteem despite my educational qualification. I am a graduate of Mass Communication.
From an early age, my sisters and I were given the impression by our parents that we were worth nothing; that only their male children were the real children.
While we the female children were sent to public schools, the male children who are far younger were sent to good schools with boarding facilities. We grew up with the impression of being second hand citizens.
We were forbidden to have friends, both males and females. Our routine was house to school or church and then back to the house. We were not even allowed to visit relations.
Apart from this, we were often forced by beatings to admit to something we never did. So, whenever any issue comes up and our parents accuse us, we simply admit to doing it because whether we did it or not, we would still be punished, to the extent of having injuries. Even as an adult today, the scares of those injuries are still very visible on my body.
Throughout my university days, I could not make any friend, even though
I would have loved to have a good and reliable one. So often times, I was labelled a very proud and arrogant girl. No matter how hard I tried, I could not mingle.
Now, I am out of the university and working. I find it difficult relating with people the way I should. Because of this, some people think I am arrogant while others say I am aggressive. But I know the truth of it all is that I am being hunted by a very high degree of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
I cannot look at any body straight in the eyes. I feel very shy, even though I am not an introvert, yet I am not humorous. I don’t know how to make people around me warm and laugh.
My boss had told me to be more amiable and friendly but no matter how hard I tried, it always seemed faked.
Besides this, I am a very fearful person. Any little thing scares me, makes me shiver and keeps me off balance. My boss and every other person at my office have noticed this weakness in me. Often times, I see myself as an underdog, I allow people to cheat me and go away unable to fight for my right.
Generally, I am very boring. I also think I am not very wise, smart and intelligent even though I am very beautiful.
Please I need your help, teach me to be a good and wholesome lady to everyone around me and even to my very self.
Ayo.
Dear Ayo,
There is no help anybody can render if you refuse to help yourself. If you continue to put yourself down, it is only expected that people would follow your example. You are what you say are. If you say you are worthless, unintelligent, dull and uninteresting, people will hook on to the signals you are transmitting to place you.
Deep down do you think, given the type of parents you have they would have wasted their resources on you if you weren’t intelligent or didn’t give them sufficient reasons to know they weren’t wasting their money on an unproductive investment? And do you think your boss would have kept you if he weren’t gaining anything from employing you? That he is only concerned about your disposition shows he is very satisfied with the quality of your job.
What happened has happened. The only way to change a bad past is with determined success. You must do everything within you to refocus your life from the path of hatred, low self-esteem to happiness for your sake as well as for the sake of your future children.
You must resolve to do things differently and successfully too by shunning everything that brings back those painful memories of yesteryears.
It is the only way to show your parents that they were wrong and unjust in the way they responded and treated you and your sisters as well as make them remorseful for all the things they did to you all.
What you are battling with is no longer the attitude of your parents but the memories of all the things they did to you. Your parents you can cope with by either avoiding them completely or challenging them with your success and forcing them to apologise to you and your sisters.
But you cannot confront your memories without a determination not to allow it affect the way you respond to things around you now that you are an adult. Memories are very powerful and potent so much so it can ruin success if not well managed.
The only way you can challenge these painful reminders of your past is remembering the good side of these people. Yes, the pains may be more but at least they didn’t stop you girls from acquiring an education. That you are today a graduate is a testimony of their acknowledgment of your rights as a human being. Many female children of parents like yours were never given a chance to go to school. Many of them became premature mothers even before they left their diaper years.
Be grateful that you didn’t have to struggle to get an education on your own or wife to a man you don’t love as well as mother to children you aren’t emotionally prepared or matured enough to nurture. Had any of these happened, your story could have been worse? So be grateful that your parents despite their way of thinking still saw the need to send you to school.
Perhaps if you look at their attitude from another angle, the memory of your time with them might change a little with better understanding of why they did certain things.
Their willingness to sponsor your education to the university level, even if you attended public schools, shows they were not totally indisposed to your welfare as a woman. Only a set of parents with sound educational value would sponsor their girls to school. Therefore their attitude could have been informed by other factors they were not prepared to disclose to you and your sisters.
One possibility is fear. The girl child is very delicate and the nightmare of many parents, who never cease to worry about the unexpected happening. Although, it is something they never admit to, the fear of a girl child being sexually abused or getting pregnant before her time is never far from the mind of a parent. From the beginning of creation, parents have had the challenge of how best to control and manipulate the hormonal influence on the girl child. This has led to parents and the society taking many measures, some very dehumanising, like circumcision to put the girl child under control.
Your parents may have adopted harshness and an uncaring attitude to put your sisters and you in check, a sort of measure to ensure you don’t get derailed. They used the weapon of fear to instill discipline. It is their way of ensuring you have a solid moral ground. It is the only way they know.
You may not have found it funny but if you look at your experience as the desperation of a set to ensure their girls don’t go astray, your memories won’t hurt so much.
You need to feed your mind with something positive to neutralise whatever pains your past has imprinted on your mind.
In a way, you may never completely get over the memories but giving yourself the opportunity to trust in those around you would go a long way in helping your come to terms with your past as well as the peace to be happy with who you are, those around you and your choices.
Your parents were too hampered by their own fears to trust their daughters hence their attitude. To overcome, you must learn to trust. With trust comes faith and with it come friendship and an understanding to do the impossible.
You don’t have become a social butterfly to be friendly but offering understanding and a smile could change the way a lot of people regard you. With it also comes the confidence to do the impossible.
Importantly, use whatever disadvantage of your past to build a new focus of strength for yourself. A lot of people have turned experiences like yours to their strength. God never allows anything to happen without a reason.
You are now an adult, no longer a child, hence cannot continue to blame your parents for your own decisions. You no longer have an excuse to blame your past because you are now responsible for your choices as well as the future. Very soon people around would get tired of you using your past as an excuse for your failure to do certain things. Then it wouldn’t be your parents’ problem but yours.
At this stage in your life, nobody can put you down if you don’t allow anyone to. Nobody has the right to make your decisions for you if you don’t give them the right to. You are past the age of permission and have everything in you to effect changes in your life in the areas you don’t like. You don’t have to fight to have your rights restored. By simply and politely insisting on your rights and decisions would warn people against taking liberties with you.
Yes, your parents made a lousy job of parenting you. Since then, what have you done beyond blaming your parents for your woes, to give your life the colours it deserves to be happy?
Getting rid of your fears begins with believing in yourself and your abilities as a person. You are afraid because you have failed to identify what you are good at. Recognising it would give you the confidence to terminate fear in your life.
Asking God for His reasons as well as His desires would provide you with new dreams that might help secure the understanding of parents for their female children.
Our experiences in life are always meant to build us as well as help the society become better.
Good luck.
Virgin girl waiting for my love, but…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have known this girl for 12 years even though I live outside Nigeria and only visit occasionally.
Since knowing her, she has always maintained her claims to be a virgin. Her usual reason is fear occasioned by the attendant pains of being deflowered.
We communicate regularly, thanks to her resilience. She is the one always pushing for constant communication between us. I love her but not as much as she clearly loves me.
Sometime ago, I came back to Nigeria and called to meet with her after nine years.
I was in for a shock as her appearance has undergone some changes. Unlike the trim woman I knew the last time l saw her, she is now very fat and not in anyway beautiful. We have spent one week together and still fought over sex as she was always crying in pains. I later found out that she was telling the truth about being a virgin. I left her like that.
Now my problem is that this girl is very short and ugly, just opposite of me, and my family members don’t like her. She wanted me to promise her marriage but I don’t love her enough to make such promise. Ever since then she has been crying, even over the phone. She has kept telling me she would never be happy with another man in her life.
With her soft tone of voice and good character, I am very confused on what to do. Above all, she is kind hearted.
Confused Man.
Dear Confused Man,
Although you didn’t state your age, but if you have been abroad for 12 years, it means you are old enough to take your decision.
There is no way physical changes wouldn’t have overtaken her after all these years. Nine years are a long time. Everyday we spend on earth the human body goes through both physical and internal changes. I am sure like her your body too has undergone some physical changes. It is the beat of time, which we must all dance to.
Physical beauty doesn’t guarantee marital happiness rather those aspects of her you find irritable or aren’t sensitive to are the real ingredients behind successful relationships and marriage.
The thing is for you to first come to terms with what you really want from life albeit marriage. There is no way you would really know the woman that is good for you or capable of helping you achieve what you want without first having an idea of that thing.
Therefore ask yourself this all-important question. What kind of marriage and life have you always hoped for? What kind of woman do you think would help you achieve it? Is it a kind hearted one, the kind that is understanding, has the patience to grow you from who you are to what you want to be? The kind of woman who is tolerant and selfless, who is your friend and who would go out of her way to listen to you, give you helpful suggestions even when she is very tired and wants to sleep, the kind that places your happiness above hers?
Or is it the kind who is too busy to attend to you: is more preoccupied by her looks and fashion to remember the things that make you happy as a man?
Experience has taught many of us that we live with the character of a person and not looks. A man or woman may have all the a-class looks without having the right kind of character to make anybody happy. In the real world, character more than physical attributes is what holds the candle any day. It is what gives glow when the night is darkest and solution appears to have gone on permanent leave.
Everyman needs a good and loyal wife to be complete, to compliment his efforts as a man. Deep down, irrespective of this woman’s looks, do you think she has what it takes in terms of behaviour to give you the kind of happiness we all crave for later in life?
One thing you should always bear in mind is this, after a while some of the things we promote as being very important cease to be once we cross a particular age. This is the point where reality hits us on the head with a sledgehammer.
When a man or woman gets to that point, nothing else matters but that which is within matters.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t realise the price of things we are throwing away when we premise our choices on those things that really don’t add value to our lives at the end of the day.
This is where the frustrations and regrets so many couples experience in their marriages begin.
Whatever reservations you have against her appearance can still be managed, which is why you should really be honest with yourself. Are you leaving her because your family members don’t like her and that you consider her ugly or that you don’t love her at all? There is a huge difference between your not liking her and your family members not wanting her to be part of your life. If you truly don’t feel anything for her, explain your reasons once again to her. Remind her that it takes two to tangle and that you would have wished to marry her but what you feel for her isn’t strong enough to make her happy.
Do this because after waiting for you for 12 years, all her hopes are understandably on you. Don’t also forget the fact that she must have turned so many men down all because she thought she had a husband in you. The fact that you still met her as a virgin underscores the kind of discipline she must have exercised to stay that way.
Telling her you are no more interested would therefore take more than whatever it is you have told her to make it stick. You must find time to come back and really explain things to her. It won’t be fair to end such a long time relationship on phone. Granted it would cost you money to come back but do it for posterity and for your future peace of mind.
It might help to see how you can settle her for the time and efforts she has put into this relationship. You may think it isn’t necessary but do it to give you the spiritual freedom to move on with your life. Hell has no fury like that of a scorned woman, this is because nothing you say would make sense to her now or prevent her from taking a step she may later regret.
Though your efforts may never be enough for her to make up for the years she waited for you to be ready but it would be on record that you did your best.
Once you have done this, move on with your life irrespective of how she feels or what she says. She may not realise it now, but in later years she would definitely have reasons to be grateful you didn’t marry her when she meets the man that would always treat her with respect and like a queen.
But if you think she has all the qualities that would make you happy ignore her looks or what anybody thinks of her. Not everybody in your family is under any obligation to like her. Besides, you are old enough to know what you want. If she were morally bankrupt, you won’t meet her the way you met her.
You can always help her achieve the kind of appearance that makes you happy. Marriage is a journey of many bumps and a personal one, hence you need a partner you are comfortable with as well as whose presence in your life would make the journey interesting and happy.
Before taking the final decision, do take a total look at your life, both now and the future. Importantly, talk to God intimately on His plans for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have known this girl for 12 years even though I live outside Nigeria and only visit occasionally.
Since knowing her, she has always maintained her claims to be a virgin. Her usual reason is fear occasioned by the attendant pains of being deflowered.
We communicate regularly, thanks to her resilience. She is the one always pushing for constant communication between us. I love her but not as much as she clearly loves me.
Sometime ago, I came back to Nigeria and called to meet with her after nine years.
I was in for a shock as her appearance has undergone some changes. Unlike the trim woman I knew the last time l saw her, she is now very fat and not in anyway beautiful. We have spent one week together and still fought over sex as she was always crying in pains. I later found out that she was telling the truth about being a virgin. I left her like that.
Now my problem is that this girl is very short and ugly, just opposite of me, and my family members don’t like her. She wanted me to promise her marriage but I don’t love her enough to make such promise. Ever since then she has been crying, even over the phone. She has kept telling me she would never be happy with another man in her life.
With her soft tone of voice and good character, I am very confused on what to do. Above all, she is kind hearted.
Confused Man.
Dear Confused Man,
Although you didn’t state your age, but if you have been abroad for 12 years, it means you are old enough to take your decision.
There is no way physical changes wouldn’t have overtaken her after all these years. Nine years are a long time. Everyday we spend on earth the human body goes through both physical and internal changes. I am sure like her your body too has undergone some physical changes. It is the beat of time, which we must all dance to.
Physical beauty doesn’t guarantee marital happiness rather those aspects of her you find irritable or aren’t sensitive to are the real ingredients behind successful relationships and marriage.
The thing is for you to first come to terms with what you really want from life albeit marriage. There is no way you would really know the woman that is good for you or capable of helping you achieve what you want without first having an idea of that thing.
Therefore ask yourself this all-important question. What kind of marriage and life have you always hoped for? What kind of woman do you think would help you achieve it? Is it a kind hearted one, the kind that is understanding, has the patience to grow you from who you are to what you want to be? The kind of woman who is tolerant and selfless, who is your friend and who would go out of her way to listen to you, give you helpful suggestions even when she is very tired and wants to sleep, the kind that places your happiness above hers?
Or is it the kind who is too busy to attend to you: is more preoccupied by her looks and fashion to remember the things that make you happy as a man?
Experience has taught many of us that we live with the character of a person and not looks. A man or woman may have all the a-class looks without having the right kind of character to make anybody happy. In the real world, character more than physical attributes is what holds the candle any day. It is what gives glow when the night is darkest and solution appears to have gone on permanent leave.
Everyman needs a good and loyal wife to be complete, to compliment his efforts as a man. Deep down, irrespective of this woman’s looks, do you think she has what it takes in terms of behaviour to give you the kind of happiness we all crave for later in life?
One thing you should always bear in mind is this, after a while some of the things we promote as being very important cease to be once we cross a particular age. This is the point where reality hits us on the head with a sledgehammer.
When a man or woman gets to that point, nothing else matters but that which is within matters.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t realise the price of things we are throwing away when we premise our choices on those things that really don’t add value to our lives at the end of the day.
This is where the frustrations and regrets so many couples experience in their marriages begin.
Whatever reservations you have against her appearance can still be managed, which is why you should really be honest with yourself. Are you leaving her because your family members don’t like her and that you consider her ugly or that you don’t love her at all? There is a huge difference between your not liking her and your family members not wanting her to be part of your life. If you truly don’t feel anything for her, explain your reasons once again to her. Remind her that it takes two to tangle and that you would have wished to marry her but what you feel for her isn’t strong enough to make her happy.
Do this because after waiting for you for 12 years, all her hopes are understandably on you. Don’t also forget the fact that she must have turned so many men down all because she thought she had a husband in you. The fact that you still met her as a virgin underscores the kind of discipline she must have exercised to stay that way.
Telling her you are no more interested would therefore take more than whatever it is you have told her to make it stick. You must find time to come back and really explain things to her. It won’t be fair to end such a long time relationship on phone. Granted it would cost you money to come back but do it for posterity and for your future peace of mind.
It might help to see how you can settle her for the time and efforts she has put into this relationship. You may think it isn’t necessary but do it to give you the spiritual freedom to move on with your life. Hell has no fury like that of a scorned woman, this is because nothing you say would make sense to her now or prevent her from taking a step she may later regret.
Though your efforts may never be enough for her to make up for the years she waited for you to be ready but it would be on record that you did your best.
Once you have done this, move on with your life irrespective of how she feels or what she says. She may not realise it now, but in later years she would definitely have reasons to be grateful you didn’t marry her when she meets the man that would always treat her with respect and like a queen.
But if you think she has all the qualities that would make you happy ignore her looks or what anybody thinks of her. Not everybody in your family is under any obligation to like her. Besides, you are old enough to know what you want. If she were morally bankrupt, you won’t meet her the way you met her.
You can always help her achieve the kind of appearance that makes you happy. Marriage is a journey of many bumps and a personal one, hence you need a partner you are comfortable with as well as whose presence in your life would make the journey interesting and happy.
Before taking the final decision, do take a total look at your life, both now and the future. Importantly, talk to God intimately on His plans for you.
Good luck.
Can milk hamper ejaculation in man?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I consume milk a lot and don’t know if it is affecting my sex life. Does milk affect ejaculation in any form? Please help me. My friend has jokingly told me that it would affect my sex life.
Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
The only harm that comes from drinking milk is the extra weight you get to add if it isn’t skimmed milk.
If you have the tendency to add, ensure you take it in moderation. Life is about moderation. Obesity can be in the way of a fulfilling sex life. Once you cross a certain age, skimmed milk is the best. With it, you get to enjoy all the benefits of milk without the fat.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I consume milk a lot and don’t know if it is affecting my sex life. Does milk affect ejaculation in any form? Please help me. My friend has jokingly told me that it would affect my sex life.
Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
The only harm that comes from drinking milk is the extra weight you get to add if it isn’t skimmed milk.
If you have the tendency to add, ensure you take it in moderation. Life is about moderation. Obesity can be in the way of a fulfilling sex life. Once you cross a certain age, skimmed milk is the best. With it, you get to enjoy all the benefits of milk without the fat.
Good luck.
Must he jilt me over mum’s messy past?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.
I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life.
I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.
This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.
Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.
His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty.
What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man? These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator.
What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same.
If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.
I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life.
I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.
This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.
Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.
His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty.
What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man? These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator.
What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same.
If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.
Good luck.
My wife doesn’t believe in me…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha
I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing. I am 30 years of age and in relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me for the job. I finally got the job and in my second month on the job.
She resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place she told me about her past. From her story she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desired to settle down, as time wasn’t on her side.
At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding.
She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me.
We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her, she received the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house, who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meagre salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later.
Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the month.
I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church.
Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship would be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and as well as build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behaviour of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do?
Troubled Soul.
Dear Troubled Soul,
Understanding in a marriage isn’t what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this crossroad because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices.
Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy.
While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union.
You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked her of the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony.
If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed plannings.
The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been firmer and more definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough, given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not in being firm at all. Everyman that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused with that comes the determination to put his woman in check.
Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby who will be the one to suffer if any rash decision on your parts comes up now.
For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and re-plan your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will.
That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you. Unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home.
Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. Go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning.
Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter.
Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you.
To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occured between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier.
There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her.
When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind.
You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails.
In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you have started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha
I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing. I am 30 years of age and in relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me for the job. I finally got the job and in my second month on the job.
She resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place she told me about her past. From her story she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desired to settle down, as time wasn’t on her side.
At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding.
She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me.
We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her, she received the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house, who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meagre salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later.
Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the month.
I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church.
Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship would be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and as well as build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behaviour of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do?
Troubled Soul.
Dear Troubled Soul,
Understanding in a marriage isn’t what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this crossroad because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices.
Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy.
While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union.
You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked her of the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony.
If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed plannings.
The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been firmer and more definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough, given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not in being firm at all. Everyman that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused with that comes the determination to put his woman in check.
Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby who will be the one to suffer if any rash decision on your parts comes up now.
For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and re-plan your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will.
That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you. Unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home.
Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. Go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning.
Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter.
Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you.
To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occured between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier.
There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her.
When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind.
You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails.
In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you have started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve.
Good luck.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
He won’t marry girl that has had sex with another man
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May God continue to bless and increase you in wisdom for the wonderful work you are doing. I am a lady of 23 years of age and currently in a relationship of seven years old. The problem over which I need your help started five years ago when I discovered that my boyfriend was suffering from premature ejaculation. Being young and naive I thought I was the cause of the problem. Naturally, I was worried so I decided to embark on a journey of truth. This led me to sleep with two other men. After knowing that the fault wasn’t mine, I was disturbed because of my love for him. Although the problem still persists, we are managing it. However, my worry now is that my boyfriend vowed sometime ago while we were discussing never to marry a woman he knows another man has slept with no matter how much he loved the person. Should I tell him the truth and lose him or I should keep the secret to myself? Your prompt response to this would be greatly appreciated. Concerned Lady. Dear Concerned Lady, I decided to pair your letter up with this other letter to give you the benefit of more information of the issues involved in your letter. Sleeping with other men for verification of who has the problem in your relationship wasn’t wise. Being young and naïve isn’t an excuse to be unfaithful to your man and relationship. If you hadn’t pre-empted sex would you have gone out of your matrimonial home to verify through sleeping with other men if the fault was yours or not? The oath to stay faithful begins from the very first moments a couple agrees to become one. A cheating girlfriend or boyfriend cannot be trusted to be faithful within the bonds of marriage. What you should have done is to call his attention to the problem as well as your dissatisfaction with his sexual performance. I guess your fear was and still is confronting him with evidence of your sexual dissatisfaction. You don’t want to have to answer questions of where you got the knowledge or experience that he is having the problem of premature ejaculation. You want to present yourself as a good girl who is contended when in actual fact you are suffering from lack of sexual satisfaction. As long as you insist on presenting yourself as demure and contended with the quality of your sex life, the more the danger of you going out to have fun and the greater the risk of you being caught by him through either carelessness or contact of any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). There is no stopping a woman who isn’t getting the quality of sex she desires from going out. No matter how much you try to ignore it, given the fact that you have already strayed, a time would come when you would simply throw in the towel on account of sexual frustrations. So to insure your relationship with this man, that is if you are really serious about marrying him, is to tell him the truth about your sexual frustrations. No matter what it would eventually cost you, point him at his area of weakness. Let him know precisely what you feel each time he ejaculates before you are ready. If he were matured, he would know that your feelings of frustration don’t have to come from experimenting outside him but a natural feeling every sexually active person knows instinctively. Sexual satisfaction is like food. You don’t need a third party to tell you when you want more or are satisfied. If you were more matured, you would have known going outside your relationship to find an answer in the beds of other men wasn’t necessary. Search your mind to know if to tell him the truth or not. But be reminded that nothing is ever hidden. He may come to know the truth eventually by which time it would be very impossible to get him to listen to you. No matter how painful the consequences of telling the truth are, there is no alternative to it. Not only does telling the truth confer respect, it offers compassion where condemnation should have been applied. Still the choice to tell him what the attendant problems laced into his inability to satisfy you in bed is yours. As his woman, you have a role to play in helping him gain control of his body. Begin by asking him what the issues are. Is it that he is always excited getting into bed with you? Is he experiencing some pressures from his family, work or business? What pressures are you putting him through? Since the problem started two years after you started dating him, it means the problem began in the relationship. If both of you have committed your time and emotions to other areas of the relationship beyond sex, discussing this problem and finding a workable solution would not be difficult. He must trust you to open up and you must have the commitment and compassion to help him without damaging his ego as a man. To enhance your understanding of all the issues involved, arm yourself with information on the subject by going to the internet to read about it or books that discuss it. The first impression you must erase is whether it is a disease. It isn’t. With your help, a deep sense of adventure and willingness to experiment with certain positions, he would overcome it. However for the solution to be permanent, you in particular must be convinced of the need to be loyal at all times because any betrayal on your part could aggravate the situation.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
May God continue to bless and increase you in wisdom for the wonderful work you are doing. I am a lady of 23 years of age and currently in a relationship of seven years old. The problem over which I need your help started five years ago when I discovered that my boyfriend was suffering from premature ejaculation. Being young and naive I thought I was the cause of the problem. Naturally, I was worried so I decided to embark on a journey of truth. This led me to sleep with two other men. After knowing that the fault wasn’t mine, I was disturbed because of my love for him. Although the problem still persists, we are managing it. However, my worry now is that my boyfriend vowed sometime ago while we were discussing never to marry a woman he knows another man has slept with no matter how much he loved the person. Should I tell him the truth and lose him or I should keep the secret to myself? Your prompt response to this would be greatly appreciated. Concerned Lady. Dear Concerned Lady, I decided to pair your letter up with this other letter to give you the benefit of more information of the issues involved in your letter. Sleeping with other men for verification of who has the problem in your relationship wasn’t wise. Being young and naïve isn’t an excuse to be unfaithful to your man and relationship. If you hadn’t pre-empted sex would you have gone out of your matrimonial home to verify through sleeping with other men if the fault was yours or not? The oath to stay faithful begins from the very first moments a couple agrees to become one. A cheating girlfriend or boyfriend cannot be trusted to be faithful within the bonds of marriage. What you should have done is to call his attention to the problem as well as your dissatisfaction with his sexual performance. I guess your fear was and still is confronting him with evidence of your sexual dissatisfaction. You don’t want to have to answer questions of where you got the knowledge or experience that he is having the problem of premature ejaculation. You want to present yourself as a good girl who is contended when in actual fact you are suffering from lack of sexual satisfaction. As long as you insist on presenting yourself as demure and contended with the quality of your sex life, the more the danger of you going out to have fun and the greater the risk of you being caught by him through either carelessness or contact of any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). There is no stopping a woman who isn’t getting the quality of sex she desires from going out. No matter how much you try to ignore it, given the fact that you have already strayed, a time would come when you would simply throw in the towel on account of sexual frustrations. So to insure your relationship with this man, that is if you are really serious about marrying him, is to tell him the truth about your sexual frustrations. No matter what it would eventually cost you, point him at his area of weakness. Let him know precisely what you feel each time he ejaculates before you are ready. If he were matured, he would know that your feelings of frustration don’t have to come from experimenting outside him but a natural feeling every sexually active person knows instinctively. Sexual satisfaction is like food. You don’t need a third party to tell you when you want more or are satisfied. If you were more matured, you would have known going outside your relationship to find an answer in the beds of other men wasn’t necessary. Search your mind to know if to tell him the truth or not. But be reminded that nothing is ever hidden. He may come to know the truth eventually by which time it would be very impossible to get him to listen to you. No matter how painful the consequences of telling the truth are, there is no alternative to it. Not only does telling the truth confer respect, it offers compassion where condemnation should have been applied. Still the choice to tell him what the attendant problems laced into his inability to satisfy you in bed is yours. As his woman, you have a role to play in helping him gain control of his body. Begin by asking him what the issues are. Is it that he is always excited getting into bed with you? Is he experiencing some pressures from his family, work or business? What pressures are you putting him through? Since the problem started two years after you started dating him, it means the problem began in the relationship. If both of you have committed your time and emotions to other areas of the relationship beyond sex, discussing this problem and finding a workable solution would not be difficult. He must trust you to open up and you must have the commitment and compassion to help him without damaging his ego as a man. To enhance your understanding of all the issues involved, arm yourself with information on the subject by going to the internet to read about it or books that discuss it. The first impression you must erase is whether it is a disease. It isn’t. With your help, a deep sense of adventure and willingness to experiment with certain positions, he would overcome it. However for the solution to be permanent, you in particular must be convinced of the need to be loyal at all times because any betrayal on your part could aggravate the situation.
Good luck.
She plays around
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your column; please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realise that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough criterion to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the importance being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behaviour towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm it is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship, but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? Is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so-called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways by obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck
Dear Agatha
I am a regular reader of your column; please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realise that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough criterion to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the importance being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behaviour towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm it is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship, but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? Is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so-called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways by obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck
Hard to know girl who is in love
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is that I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl, what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isn’t something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody to tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strength of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is: are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is that I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl, what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isn’t something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody to tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strength of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is: are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman.
Good luck.
He cheats on me habitually
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, Agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel. 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extramarital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad-luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not to run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is romancing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position, wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront, hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at anytime given him reason to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what have been your reactions to these complaints? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pinpoint your own faults, work on them with a view of making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are more often than not his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence feel free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often time women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extraordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that juju is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. There is plenty of time to do that. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate his position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all time and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extramarital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad-luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not to run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is romancing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position, wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront, hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at anytime given him reason to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what have been your reactions to these complaints? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pinpoint your own faults, work on them with a view of making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are more often than not his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence feel free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often time women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extraordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that juju is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. There is plenty of time to do that. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate his position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all time and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out.
Good luck.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
How do I tell my pregnant mistress I’m married?
Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha, Please, I need your advice fast before I do something dangerous. I have been married for 10 years and life was good when I got married, but things got bad few years back when I lost my job. This led me to seek assistance from other women outside my marriage even though my wife has always provided me with all the support she can offer. She pays the school fees of the children; provides food since I don’t have regular income to care for our two children. Agatha, but the problem now is that another lady is pregnant for me who says abortion is not an option for her. My wife is not aware of this and my pregnant girl friend thinks I am single. I love my family and my girl friend too. So how do I break the news to my wife and also my girl friend without hurting both of them? Please help with your advice before it’s too late. Unemployed Husband.
Dear Unemployed Husband, The only help is for you to tell yourself some plain truths about the mess you put yourself and your family into. No responsible man speaks or acts the way you are speaking or acting. How do you feel lying to a woman about your marital status? How does it make you feel? What kind of example are you giving your children by telling lies? How would you be able to face your children and the woman you yourself said gave her best to make you happy despite losing your job? It is bad enough to engage in extra marital affairs but telling the lady in question that you aren’t married is the height of irresponsibility, insensitivity to the feelings of the other woman and disregard for the person of your wife. The young lady is ruling out abortion because she thinks you are single and available to marry her. She feels in love with the image of a single man not the married man and father that you are. The only help you can offer this lady is to tell the truth before it is too late. Give her the chance to take a decision concerning that child she is carrying inside of her. You have denied her the chance of the truth before, don’t do it again especially as the life of an innocent child is going to be involved. If your wife can forgive you, she may not be that charitable especially as you are forcing her into a lifestyle she clearly didn’t bargain for when she decided to date you. Every woman deserves a say in how her life ends up. To deny her this is to further compound the problem you have created for yourself. Irrespective of how much the truth would hurt her, for once, learn how to tell the truth. It is her right to know that you are married and not available to marrying her. Whatever she decides on, ensure you don’t ignore the baby she is carrying. As for your wife, it is important you tell her the truth because this thing would eventually blow up especially if you the lady in question refuses to abort the baby. In your interest, it is necessary she get to hear it from you. Although your telling her would not lessen the pains of betrayal she would feel at the news, but you may not be able to minimise the damage to your marriage if she gets to hear it from someone or somewhere else. One thing you would achieve by telling her yourself is the opportunity to plead for forgiveness from her. Should she get to hear from a secondary source, you may never get the opportunity of doing that. But before you do that, it is important you evaluate your choices. There is no way you can convince your wife, who has given you all the support to forgive you when you waste precious time you would have invested on more meaningful things on women. Using your lack of job as an excuse to turn to the women in your life is not tenable. How can having affairs with women help improve your financial standing or grant you a source of steady income? If your wife hadn’t been the struggling kind, would you even have a roof over your head or the presence of mind to approach a woman? You must be looking well for this other woman to believe you are single and getting pregnant for you. Had your wife been the harsh kind, anger and the tension at home there is no way your girlfriend won’t have found out that you were lying to her about not having a wife. The tension in your home would have made you told her something about your wife. Sincerely, you haven’t been fair to this woman. It couldn’t have been easy for her to take on the responsibility of caring for the home alone. What you owe yourself at this point in time is to sit down and think of what is important to you at the end of it all. What can you count as your major achievement? What kind of satisfaction beyond sex are you getting from them? Do you think any of these women would be able to tolerate, endure with you the way this woman has done in the past few years? When you think of your wife, what kind of woman do you see? Whatever it is you are looking for from these women, think of all the sacrifices your wife had made for the marriage. Go back to your reason for marrying her. Granted that in the course of caring for you and the family, she may not exactly have time to look as good as all the other women you are dating but her appearance speaks volume of the kind of sacrifices and selflessness she is putting to ensure the home is comfortable for you and the children. If she wasn’t looking as good as you wanted, there are better ways to get her to listen, of getting her pay more attention to her looks. Having extra marital affairs has never been a solution to marital problems. Besides any of these women getting pregnant for you, there is no telling the kind of diseases they have which you could easily transfer to your wife. Has it occurred to you that you could easily contract and transmit a terminal disease from any of these women to your wife? The fact that one of them is pregnant shows that you have been having unprotected sex. How would you explain a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to your wife? One thing is for a woman to have a stepchild she didn’t bargain for but a different ball game to be infected with a disease from her husband’s numerous escapades. If this woman means anything to you, help protect her person and dignity from the embarrassment of having to explain herself to a doctor or chemist. The damage you are doing to your marriage has far reaching implications. The chances of you ever tapping into her trust, loyalty, support, understanding and sacrifices are very slim. Having burnt this bridge, she may find it absolutely impossible to give you the same kind of support even when you have repented. You have really wronged your wife. You need to really beg her to forgive you if you hope for some peace in life. Whatever it takes you to restore peace and harmony in your home, do it. As a married man, your place is with your wife and children. Your numerous women aren’t investments at all; rather, they are liabilities you can do without. In addition, having them crowding your life won’t allow you to focus, think of the many things you can do on your own while you search for a job. I am sure you have more value for your life than sleeping with women. As a man, you have needs, which your wife’s little resources or the extras you get from your women friend cannot provide. A time would come when you would no longer be able to work as hard as you can now or be as attractive to have around these women as you are now. If you are not concerned for the feelings of your wife and children, at least be for yourself. Help yourself gain whatever respect you have lost by your inability to bring together all the bits and pieces of your life. You owe yourself a dream. Good luck.
Dear Agatha, Please, I need your advice fast before I do something dangerous. I have been married for 10 years and life was good when I got married, but things got bad few years back when I lost my job. This led me to seek assistance from other women outside my marriage even though my wife has always provided me with all the support she can offer. She pays the school fees of the children; provides food since I don’t have regular income to care for our two children. Agatha, but the problem now is that another lady is pregnant for me who says abortion is not an option for her. My wife is not aware of this and my pregnant girl friend thinks I am single. I love my family and my girl friend too. So how do I break the news to my wife and also my girl friend without hurting both of them? Please help with your advice before it’s too late. Unemployed Husband.
Dear Unemployed Husband, The only help is for you to tell yourself some plain truths about the mess you put yourself and your family into. No responsible man speaks or acts the way you are speaking or acting. How do you feel lying to a woman about your marital status? How does it make you feel? What kind of example are you giving your children by telling lies? How would you be able to face your children and the woman you yourself said gave her best to make you happy despite losing your job? It is bad enough to engage in extra marital affairs but telling the lady in question that you aren’t married is the height of irresponsibility, insensitivity to the feelings of the other woman and disregard for the person of your wife. The young lady is ruling out abortion because she thinks you are single and available to marry her. She feels in love with the image of a single man not the married man and father that you are. The only help you can offer this lady is to tell the truth before it is too late. Give her the chance to take a decision concerning that child she is carrying inside of her. You have denied her the chance of the truth before, don’t do it again especially as the life of an innocent child is going to be involved. If your wife can forgive you, she may not be that charitable especially as you are forcing her into a lifestyle she clearly didn’t bargain for when she decided to date you. Every woman deserves a say in how her life ends up. To deny her this is to further compound the problem you have created for yourself. Irrespective of how much the truth would hurt her, for once, learn how to tell the truth. It is her right to know that you are married and not available to marrying her. Whatever she decides on, ensure you don’t ignore the baby she is carrying. As for your wife, it is important you tell her the truth because this thing would eventually blow up especially if you the lady in question refuses to abort the baby. In your interest, it is necessary she get to hear it from you. Although your telling her would not lessen the pains of betrayal she would feel at the news, but you may not be able to minimise the damage to your marriage if she gets to hear it from someone or somewhere else. One thing you would achieve by telling her yourself is the opportunity to plead for forgiveness from her. Should she get to hear from a secondary source, you may never get the opportunity of doing that. But before you do that, it is important you evaluate your choices. There is no way you can convince your wife, who has given you all the support to forgive you when you waste precious time you would have invested on more meaningful things on women. Using your lack of job as an excuse to turn to the women in your life is not tenable. How can having affairs with women help improve your financial standing or grant you a source of steady income? If your wife hadn’t been the struggling kind, would you even have a roof over your head or the presence of mind to approach a woman? You must be looking well for this other woman to believe you are single and getting pregnant for you. Had your wife been the harsh kind, anger and the tension at home there is no way your girlfriend won’t have found out that you were lying to her about not having a wife. The tension in your home would have made you told her something about your wife. Sincerely, you haven’t been fair to this woman. It couldn’t have been easy for her to take on the responsibility of caring for the home alone. What you owe yourself at this point in time is to sit down and think of what is important to you at the end of it all. What can you count as your major achievement? What kind of satisfaction beyond sex are you getting from them? Do you think any of these women would be able to tolerate, endure with you the way this woman has done in the past few years? When you think of your wife, what kind of woman do you see? Whatever it is you are looking for from these women, think of all the sacrifices your wife had made for the marriage. Go back to your reason for marrying her. Granted that in the course of caring for you and the family, she may not exactly have time to look as good as all the other women you are dating but her appearance speaks volume of the kind of sacrifices and selflessness she is putting to ensure the home is comfortable for you and the children. If she wasn’t looking as good as you wanted, there are better ways to get her to listen, of getting her pay more attention to her looks. Having extra marital affairs has never been a solution to marital problems. Besides any of these women getting pregnant for you, there is no telling the kind of diseases they have which you could easily transfer to your wife. Has it occurred to you that you could easily contract and transmit a terminal disease from any of these women to your wife? The fact that one of them is pregnant shows that you have been having unprotected sex. How would you explain a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to your wife? One thing is for a woman to have a stepchild she didn’t bargain for but a different ball game to be infected with a disease from her husband’s numerous escapades. If this woman means anything to you, help protect her person and dignity from the embarrassment of having to explain herself to a doctor or chemist. The damage you are doing to your marriage has far reaching implications. The chances of you ever tapping into her trust, loyalty, support, understanding and sacrifices are very slim. Having burnt this bridge, she may find it absolutely impossible to give you the same kind of support even when you have repented. You have really wronged your wife. You need to really beg her to forgive you if you hope for some peace in life. Whatever it takes you to restore peace and harmony in your home, do it. As a married man, your place is with your wife and children. Your numerous women aren’t investments at all; rather, they are liabilities you can do without. In addition, having them crowding your life won’t allow you to focus, think of the many things you can do on your own while you search for a job. I am sure you have more value for your life than sleeping with women. As a man, you have needs, which your wife’s little resources or the extras you get from your women friend cannot provide. A time would come when you would no longer be able to work as hard as you can now or be as attractive to have around these women as you are now. If you are not concerned for the feelings of your wife and children, at least be for yourself. Help yourself gain whatever respect you have lost by your inability to bring together all the bits and pieces of your life. You owe yourself a dream. Good luck.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Being a single mother makes me sick…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a single mother of 32 years of age. My child is a result of painful circumstances and repeated rapes. The man at the centre of it all also abandoned me after he has had his fill of my body.
Agatha, I have had more than my fair share of the bitter experiences of this life.
My child is now 13 years and he has started manifesting certain signs that are associated with adolescence. My problem is that I do not know how to guide and direct him.
Recently, I observed he urinates frequently, like every five minutes. Is it normal? Could that be a sign of wet-dream?
Please, Agatha, how do I become a very good mother to this boy, playing the roles of father and mother to him at the same time? Could you please give me a step-by-step way of teaching him the right things of this life? How do I start educating him on the changes that he has to expect at this stage in his life?
I am a very worried woman. I have not been in any relationship for the past two years. This is not because I do not want to, but because I have not found the right person. The only people I see around me are not to be trusted. Usually, I expect a man to be my friend first, but those that come around from the day one, you would notice that they do not have anything good to offer because they are always impatient.
I have been starving emotionally. I have a lot bothering my mind and there is no one to share these problems with.
I have suddenly grown much older than my real age. Just few days ago, a colleague in the office approached me on an informal level and told me that the lines and wrinkles on my face were becoming too pronounced for a lady of my age and wanted to know what was worrying me. But I told him that all was well since I do not want to bring my family problems to the office.
I feel so scared, so insecure, I often feel my heart beat faster and I get shocked at every little thing.
I really want to have a man of my own. I want to get married but only to the right man. But the way things are going now I don’t know what to expect. Supposing the right man is not forthcoming, how do I handle the situation of becoming a single lady for the rest of my life?
Sometimes, I want to end it all, the whole events of this life do not make sense to me any more. But each time, I want to do something drastic to myself I think about my child because he will really suffer if I am not there, being the only parent he has. Still the thoughts and feelings of ending it all are becoming stronger than I can bear. I really do not know how long I can continue with this. I really don’t know.
Ese
Dear Ese,
There is no contesting the issue, you are very depressed and it is no wonder given the experiences you have been through and what you are currently going through.
Depression is one of the worst kinds of mood swings to deal with especially when it gets to the point of considering suicide. Truthfully, you need both a psychologist and psychiatric to help you through this difficult stage of your life.
Sadly there is nothing much they can do if you don’t first divorce yourself of all the painful memories of the past.
Even though rape is one of the worst kinds of ill treatment against womanhood, cruel as this may sound, you aren’t alone. Everyday, a lot of women experience this abuse from both strangers and familiar people. The fact that this man had access to you as much as he wanted showed that he is not a strange face; he is somebody you know and can get to face the music of his abuse if you so wish.
That he is free to roam the street is because you made the choice to let him be. If you had reported the matter to your parents or guardian when the abuses were going on, he may not have gone scot-free. If nothing, he would have at least been made to take responsibility for his child. Having made that choice not to face the annoying scandal raped women face when they make the attempt to report the matter, you must help yourself further by letting go of those painful memories of those years. I appreciate it is a hard thing to do especially when you look at your son, but it can happen if you give your heart and mind the chance to fill their spaces with another kind of love and thoughts.
Think of how lonesome you would have been without the presence of that child. Think of the love and trust this child has for you. Being the only parent he has, you are everything to him. One of the advantages of being a single parent is that you don’t get to share the love of your child with anybody. If you do your job as a mother well, this will compensate your years of toil and pains. It won’t matter if you are the only parent he has.
But for get this child to respect you, especially now that he is also going through natural traumatic biological changes, you must ignore your own problems and offer him your support, understanding, and love to get his complete trust and compassion.
A child is what parents, especially mothers, make of him or her. Your success is not dependent on your being part of a pair, but on how much you value your position as a mother. Motherhood is about playing second fiddle to your own desires and needs at anytime attention is demanded by a child.
There is no way your son can be happy, if he is constantly presented with a picture of an unhappy mother. You don’t have to sit this child down to spell out to him that you are having problems. If people not living with you can detect it through your mien and presentation of the tell tale signs boldly written on your person, how much more a child who depends on you exclusively for everything? Your signals are too strong and potent for this boy who has known you all his life not to notice. He knows you are unhappy, he is worried at the consequences of all these on his future and relationship with you.
This child is becoming insecure by your problems. His frequent urination may be a clear sign of his inner fears – that of losing you and all the security that goes with it. Being the only parent he has, understandably his worries are huge and deep.
Granted, your worries are real but for the sake of this child, you have to find ways of letting go.
Even if you are 32, you can still be happy. That you are a single mother doesn’t mean you cannot attract the attention of reasonable and responsible men. That you are only getting men who want sex isn’t as a result of you being single and a mother, but because these types of men are in the majority. Most men these days are not very interested in the minds of a woman like they do about her body. So allowing that to worry you is akin to destroying yourself.
You have a choice to either agree to the demands of these men and lose the respect of your son in this process or disagree with their demands and preserve your respect in the mind of your son.
Accepting your situation is the only way to confront this moment in your life. And this is where your attitude comes into focus. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely despite being in the midst of people. It is the attitude you decide to adopt that would work for you at the end of the day.
Learn to have positive attitude to life and its many challenges. If it is any assurance, there are some experiences worse than yours, which the people involved have managed successfully.
If it’s any help, things happen in one’s life because God wants to bring a point out of it to many others. But the purpose of your life would amount to nothing if you lack the strength of character to bring out light from this darkness. I happen to know this because I have gone through certain painful experiences, which are today helping others to be happy.
There is no way you can help this child if you are not happy. He needs a role model in you and to do that well, you have to overcome your own problems by refusing to be depressed.
Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like the person in it? If not, what can be done to help that person become happier and better looking? Change your look. More often than not, our attitudes are at the root of our problems. Get yourself a new wardrobe or add some colours and cuts that are different from the old you.
Furthermore, learn to be less critical of your situation and focused on your problems. We all have problems. It is just that some of us have mastered the act of wearing them like our underwear. Wearing your problems like your top cloth makes it very visible for the world to see and ages faster than anything else in the world. This approach won’t help you. It might even drive your son away from you, because after a while the child would rebel against the constant melancholy of being around you.
Be determined to see the good side of your life through the gift of this child. Turn your mistakes to his strength by keying in to his world. Allow his innocence and well-being help you forget the accident of his birth.
Learn to laugh with him so he would have the confidence to laugh at your mistakes and with you.
Support him so that he can support you to be in the majority with his presence and love.
Be truthful and very honest to him about the circumstances surrounding his birth to equip him for the challenge of belonging to a single parent home. Telling him half-truths or keeping quiet about it would only cause you problems later in life. But telling him the whole truth would give him the opportunity to have a glimpse into your life, help him to understand you and appreciate your situations better. The information would help balance his view about life and make him your number one cheerleader as well as friend.
Once you have his confidence and respect, every other thing would fall into place and your task made easier.
To be a good mother to him, it is essential you are his best friend, which makes it possible for him to tell you everything happening to him.
We all need a friend. Learn to trust someone whose support and words of encouragement would help you during difficult times and curtail your sad tendencies. At every turn in our life, we always need a friend to talk to.
Above all, befriend God and allow Him through the gift of time help you forget and succeed.
Good luck.
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Dear Agatha,
I am a single mother of 32 years of age. My child is a result of painful circumstances and repeated rapes. The man at the centre of it all also abandoned me after he has had his fill of my body.
Agatha, I have had more than my fair share of the bitter experiences of this life.
My child is now 13 years and he has started manifesting certain signs that are associated with adolescence. My problem is that I do not know how to guide and direct him.
Recently, I observed he urinates frequently, like every five minutes. Is it normal? Could that be a sign of wet-dream?
Please, Agatha, how do I become a very good mother to this boy, playing the roles of father and mother to him at the same time? Could you please give me a step-by-step way of teaching him the right things of this life? How do I start educating him on the changes that he has to expect at this stage in his life?
I am a very worried woman. I have not been in any relationship for the past two years. This is not because I do not want to, but because I have not found the right person. The only people I see around me are not to be trusted. Usually, I expect a man to be my friend first, but those that come around from the day one, you would notice that they do not have anything good to offer because they are always impatient.
I have been starving emotionally. I have a lot bothering my mind and there is no one to share these problems with.
I have suddenly grown much older than my real age. Just few days ago, a colleague in the office approached me on an informal level and told me that the lines and wrinkles on my face were becoming too pronounced for a lady of my age and wanted to know what was worrying me. But I told him that all was well since I do not want to bring my family problems to the office.
I feel so scared, so insecure, I often feel my heart beat faster and I get shocked at every little thing.
I really want to have a man of my own. I want to get married but only to the right man. But the way things are going now I don’t know what to expect. Supposing the right man is not forthcoming, how do I handle the situation of becoming a single lady for the rest of my life?
Sometimes, I want to end it all, the whole events of this life do not make sense to me any more. But each time, I want to do something drastic to myself I think about my child because he will really suffer if I am not there, being the only parent he has. Still the thoughts and feelings of ending it all are becoming stronger than I can bear. I really do not know how long I can continue with this. I really don’t know.
Ese
Dear Ese,
There is no contesting the issue, you are very depressed and it is no wonder given the experiences you have been through and what you are currently going through.
Depression is one of the worst kinds of mood swings to deal with especially when it gets to the point of considering suicide. Truthfully, you need both a psychologist and psychiatric to help you through this difficult stage of your life.
Sadly there is nothing much they can do if you don’t first divorce yourself of all the painful memories of the past.
Even though rape is one of the worst kinds of ill treatment against womanhood, cruel as this may sound, you aren’t alone. Everyday, a lot of women experience this abuse from both strangers and familiar people. The fact that this man had access to you as much as he wanted showed that he is not a strange face; he is somebody you know and can get to face the music of his abuse if you so wish.
That he is free to roam the street is because you made the choice to let him be. If you had reported the matter to your parents or guardian when the abuses were going on, he may not have gone scot-free. If nothing, he would have at least been made to take responsibility for his child. Having made that choice not to face the annoying scandal raped women face when they make the attempt to report the matter, you must help yourself further by letting go of those painful memories of those years. I appreciate it is a hard thing to do especially when you look at your son, but it can happen if you give your heart and mind the chance to fill their spaces with another kind of love and thoughts.
Think of how lonesome you would have been without the presence of that child. Think of the love and trust this child has for you. Being the only parent he has, you are everything to him. One of the advantages of being a single parent is that you don’t get to share the love of your child with anybody. If you do your job as a mother well, this will compensate your years of toil and pains. It won’t matter if you are the only parent he has.
But for get this child to respect you, especially now that he is also going through natural traumatic biological changes, you must ignore your own problems and offer him your support, understanding, and love to get his complete trust and compassion.
A child is what parents, especially mothers, make of him or her. Your success is not dependent on your being part of a pair, but on how much you value your position as a mother. Motherhood is about playing second fiddle to your own desires and needs at anytime attention is demanded by a child.
There is no way your son can be happy, if he is constantly presented with a picture of an unhappy mother. You don’t have to sit this child down to spell out to him that you are having problems. If people not living with you can detect it through your mien and presentation of the tell tale signs boldly written on your person, how much more a child who depends on you exclusively for everything? Your signals are too strong and potent for this boy who has known you all his life not to notice. He knows you are unhappy, he is worried at the consequences of all these on his future and relationship with you.
This child is becoming insecure by your problems. His frequent urination may be a clear sign of his inner fears – that of losing you and all the security that goes with it. Being the only parent he has, understandably his worries are huge and deep.
Granted, your worries are real but for the sake of this child, you have to find ways of letting go.
Even if you are 32, you can still be happy. That you are a single mother doesn’t mean you cannot attract the attention of reasonable and responsible men. That you are only getting men who want sex isn’t as a result of you being single and a mother, but because these types of men are in the majority. Most men these days are not very interested in the minds of a woman like they do about her body. So allowing that to worry you is akin to destroying yourself.
You have a choice to either agree to the demands of these men and lose the respect of your son in this process or disagree with their demands and preserve your respect in the mind of your son.
Accepting your situation is the only way to confront this moment in your life. And this is where your attitude comes into focus. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely despite being in the midst of people. It is the attitude you decide to adopt that would work for you at the end of the day.
Learn to have positive attitude to life and its many challenges. If it is any assurance, there are some experiences worse than yours, which the people involved have managed successfully.
If it’s any help, things happen in one’s life because God wants to bring a point out of it to many others. But the purpose of your life would amount to nothing if you lack the strength of character to bring out light from this darkness. I happen to know this because I have gone through certain painful experiences, which are today helping others to be happy.
There is no way you can help this child if you are not happy. He needs a role model in you and to do that well, you have to overcome your own problems by refusing to be depressed.
Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like the person in it? If not, what can be done to help that person become happier and better looking? Change your look. More often than not, our attitudes are at the root of our problems. Get yourself a new wardrobe or add some colours and cuts that are different from the old you.
Furthermore, learn to be less critical of your situation and focused on your problems. We all have problems. It is just that some of us have mastered the act of wearing them like our underwear. Wearing your problems like your top cloth makes it very visible for the world to see and ages faster than anything else in the world. This approach won’t help you. It might even drive your son away from you, because after a while the child would rebel against the constant melancholy of being around you.
Be determined to see the good side of your life through the gift of this child. Turn your mistakes to his strength by keying in to his world. Allow his innocence and well-being help you forget the accident of his birth.
Learn to laugh with him so he would have the confidence to laugh at your mistakes and with you.
Support him so that he can support you to be in the majority with his presence and love.
Be truthful and very honest to him about the circumstances surrounding his birth to equip him for the challenge of belonging to a single parent home. Telling him half-truths or keeping quiet about it would only cause you problems later in life. But telling him the whole truth would give him the opportunity to have a glimpse into your life, help him to understand you and appreciate your situations better. The information would help balance his view about life and make him your number one cheerleader as well as friend.
Once you have his confidence and respect, every other thing would fall into place and your task made easier.
To be a good mother to him, it is essential you are his best friend, which makes it possible for him to tell you everything happening to him.
We all need a friend. Learn to trust someone whose support and words of encouragement would help you during difficult times and curtail your sad tendencies. At every turn in our life, we always need a friend to talk to.
Above all, befriend God and allow Him through the gift of time help you forget and succeed.
Good luck.
government,politics news,politics news,politics
Double dating, all I get for the love he professes…
With Auntie Agathagataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a student. There is this problem, which is really eating me up. I have been in a relationship with this guy since my second year in Junior Secondary School (JSS2).
When we started, we were so much in love with each other and very close. But, he now feels I am his worst enemy because of another girl who is about 20 years of old.
Recently, he called to offer the Olive branch –peace. He said he has made up his mind to come back to me because of my dedication to him when he didn’t have anything. After this, he begged for my forgiveness and asked me to allow him make love to me as evidence of my forgiveness. I did.
To my pains as well as surprise, he hasn’t bothered to call me since then. Instead of the reconciliation he promised me, I see him everywhere with the other girl.
If this is painful, his refusal to let go of me is what baffles me the more. He engages any man he sees with me in physcial fight.
He knows I love him very much. We have been together for eight years. Please tell me what to do since I am without a clue as to how to handle him.
Worried Girlfriend.
Dear Worried Girlfriend,
Evidently, your boyfriend is bent on playing games with your heart and life. You have come to a crossroad in your relationship where you must look back, evaluate it vis-à-vis the plans you have for yourself in the future.
The kind of relationship one has, more often than not determines the quality of life that person would have in the future. This is because every relationship is premised on emotions. And once one’s emotion is torn into pieces, it becomes difficult for such a person to concentrate on whatever he or she is doing.
For this simple reason, you must do everything within your powers to protect your dreams. Every man or woman needs a supportive partner at every turn in life.
It takes two to tangle very well. Doubtless, you are in love with him but is he in love with you? No man who is in love with a woman would treat her the way he is treating you. Coming on the pretense of making up with you, only to leave you again after sleeping with you doesn’t make him out as a man who cares about what or how you feel. The issue here goes beyond his new girlfriend or the men he is trying to prevent from coming to you. It is a lot deeper than that.
From what you have said about him, he is selfish and very self-centred. This isn’t the kind of man you need in your life to grow into a success story. His kind leaves women emotionally dry. He will only take from you and not give you anything back in return.
Even though you have been together for eight years, you are far from knowing his person. When you met him at JSS2, you were not only naïve but also fresh – a young unsoiled girl. Being the first with you was an ego thing for him. While you invested love, saw a knight in shinning armour, he saw a pleasure pot and if you are not careful, get real with yourself, you will continue to be his pleasure toy until he completely gets tired of you. This is why he doesn’t want anybody near you, fight every man who comes close to you just to ensure he can go and come into your life as he pleases.
He doesn’t want you to experience love with another man. He knows that once you find a man who shows you what true love really is, you will never have him back. Therefore, he is using his knowledge of your mind, body and emotions to play you like a puppet.
If you don’t resist him, it would be completely difficult as the years go by.
Nobody can give you the kind of strength and determination to resist him. Your strenght of character lies in your dream as a young woman determined to take her place in history. Your key to freedom from this man is your dream. Call his bluff and tell him you are through with him. Let him know you are no robot or too weak where he is concerned; that like him you have feelings as well as the fact that only a man who respects you deserves your love.
Refuse to be cowed into submission. As long as he has the freedom to advertise his new relationship, he no longer has any right over you. Just like him, you now have the freedom to look for happiness elsewhere.
Granted, it may hurt you to do this given the fact that you are deeply in love with him, but if you don’t begin to fight for your freedom, this man, even if he marries you in future will never give you the kind of respect you deserve. Doubtless, love must be patient for it to grow but this is only applicable if the person one is in love with, has demonstrated commitment as well as semblance of respect. Being in love isn’t the same thing as being stupid. The day, he tricked you into going to bed with him after he has left you for the other girl is the day he finally demonstrated the kind of feelings he has always had for you. This problem is that you were and still too much in love to see him for who he truly is.
No right thinking man parades another woman to the knowledge of the woman in his life.
Even if you both would make up later, fight and earn your respect from him. For now, try as much as possible to put him and your feelings on the back burner. You just must find your power to move away from this point this relationship has put you.
The fresh air would do you a word of good, as it would afford you the opportunity of getting to know who you really are. For eight years, you have put yourself under the shadow of this man, agreeing to everything and not knowing what you are capable of. You went into this relationship when you didn’t know what a relationship was all about.
There is no denying the fact that you have also made some mistakes in your eight years together. The time has come to go back to the drawing board, take a trip down memory lane, be objective in assessing this relationship. This way, it would be easy for you to own up to your mistakes as well as developing the right frame of mind to learn from these slip-ups.
It will also inform you on how to handle yourself and relationship in future.
Such exercises also have the ability of helping one deal with the inadequacies in the other person. For one to understand the shortcomings of another person, such a person must first come to reality with his or her own inadequacies.
At this point, be thankful that you are not continuing with his relationship with your eyes closed. If nothing, you at least know the kind of man you are dealing with as well as his definition of love.
If at the end of the day, you decide to end this relationship, take extra time to heal. True healing doesn’t happen overnight. It is gradual. Take each day as it comes. This way, the healing would be more effective because once you are healed for that day; you won’t have to deal with the issues again. For now, it is best you don’t go into any relationship to enable you have a focus of the direction you want to sail the ship of your life.
It is important you have a dream of your own. It is the only way you can be a complete woman later in life.
Go into a relationship only when you are ready for it and not before. Don’t do it to spite this man, and more importantly don’t hold any grudge against him. If you do, it might be difficult to get your new relationship right because of the extra burden of the past you would be bringing into the relationship.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a student. There is this problem, which is really eating me up. I have been in a relationship with this guy since my second year in Junior Secondary School (JSS2).
When we started, we were so much in love with each other and very close. But, he now feels I am his worst enemy because of another girl who is about 20 years of old.
Recently, he called to offer the Olive branch –peace. He said he has made up his mind to come back to me because of my dedication to him when he didn’t have anything. After this, he begged for my forgiveness and asked me to allow him make love to me as evidence of my forgiveness. I did.
To my pains as well as surprise, he hasn’t bothered to call me since then. Instead of the reconciliation he promised me, I see him everywhere with the other girl.
If this is painful, his refusal to let go of me is what baffles me the more. He engages any man he sees with me in physcial fight.
He knows I love him very much. We have been together for eight years. Please tell me what to do since I am without a clue as to how to handle him.
Worried Girlfriend.
Dear Worried Girlfriend,
Evidently, your boyfriend is bent on playing games with your heart and life. You have come to a crossroad in your relationship where you must look back, evaluate it vis-à-vis the plans you have for yourself in the future.
The kind of relationship one has, more often than not determines the quality of life that person would have in the future. This is because every relationship is premised on emotions. And once one’s emotion is torn into pieces, it becomes difficult for such a person to concentrate on whatever he or she is doing.
For this simple reason, you must do everything within your powers to protect your dreams. Every man or woman needs a supportive partner at every turn in life.
It takes two to tangle very well. Doubtless, you are in love with him but is he in love with you? No man who is in love with a woman would treat her the way he is treating you. Coming on the pretense of making up with you, only to leave you again after sleeping with you doesn’t make him out as a man who cares about what or how you feel. The issue here goes beyond his new girlfriend or the men he is trying to prevent from coming to you. It is a lot deeper than that.
From what you have said about him, he is selfish and very self-centred. This isn’t the kind of man you need in your life to grow into a success story. His kind leaves women emotionally dry. He will only take from you and not give you anything back in return.
Even though you have been together for eight years, you are far from knowing his person. When you met him at JSS2, you were not only naïve but also fresh – a young unsoiled girl. Being the first with you was an ego thing for him. While you invested love, saw a knight in shinning armour, he saw a pleasure pot and if you are not careful, get real with yourself, you will continue to be his pleasure toy until he completely gets tired of you. This is why he doesn’t want anybody near you, fight every man who comes close to you just to ensure he can go and come into your life as he pleases.
He doesn’t want you to experience love with another man. He knows that once you find a man who shows you what true love really is, you will never have him back. Therefore, he is using his knowledge of your mind, body and emotions to play you like a puppet.
If you don’t resist him, it would be completely difficult as the years go by.
Nobody can give you the kind of strength and determination to resist him. Your strenght of character lies in your dream as a young woman determined to take her place in history. Your key to freedom from this man is your dream. Call his bluff and tell him you are through with him. Let him know you are no robot or too weak where he is concerned; that like him you have feelings as well as the fact that only a man who respects you deserves your love.
Refuse to be cowed into submission. As long as he has the freedom to advertise his new relationship, he no longer has any right over you. Just like him, you now have the freedom to look for happiness elsewhere.
Granted, it may hurt you to do this given the fact that you are deeply in love with him, but if you don’t begin to fight for your freedom, this man, even if he marries you in future will never give you the kind of respect you deserve. Doubtless, love must be patient for it to grow but this is only applicable if the person one is in love with, has demonstrated commitment as well as semblance of respect. Being in love isn’t the same thing as being stupid. The day, he tricked you into going to bed with him after he has left you for the other girl is the day he finally demonstrated the kind of feelings he has always had for you. This problem is that you were and still too much in love to see him for who he truly is.
No right thinking man parades another woman to the knowledge of the woman in his life.
Even if you both would make up later, fight and earn your respect from him. For now, try as much as possible to put him and your feelings on the back burner. You just must find your power to move away from this point this relationship has put you.
The fresh air would do you a word of good, as it would afford you the opportunity of getting to know who you really are. For eight years, you have put yourself under the shadow of this man, agreeing to everything and not knowing what you are capable of. You went into this relationship when you didn’t know what a relationship was all about.
There is no denying the fact that you have also made some mistakes in your eight years together. The time has come to go back to the drawing board, take a trip down memory lane, be objective in assessing this relationship. This way, it would be easy for you to own up to your mistakes as well as developing the right frame of mind to learn from these slip-ups.
It will also inform you on how to handle yourself and relationship in future.
Such exercises also have the ability of helping one deal with the inadequacies in the other person. For one to understand the shortcomings of another person, such a person must first come to reality with his or her own inadequacies.
At this point, be thankful that you are not continuing with his relationship with your eyes closed. If nothing, you at least know the kind of man you are dealing with as well as his definition of love.
If at the end of the day, you decide to end this relationship, take extra time to heal. True healing doesn’t happen overnight. It is gradual. Take each day as it comes. This way, the healing would be more effective because once you are healed for that day; you won’t have to deal with the issues again. For now, it is best you don’t go into any relationship to enable you have a focus of the direction you want to sail the ship of your life.
It is important you have a dream of your own. It is the only way you can be a complete woman later in life.
Go into a relationship only when you are ready for it and not before. Don’t do it to spite this man, and more importantly don’t hold any grudge against him. If you do, it might be difficult to get your new relationship right because of the extra burden of the past you would be bringing into the relationship.
Good luck.
Is it proper to tell her of my love?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your urgent assistance.
There is this girl who has been my close friend for two years. I recently discovered that my feelings for her have grown deeper. I recognise it as love. And it is with my whole heart.
You see, she is my first female friend and is the very serious type. She takes everything including her studies very serious.
She’s the type of what I have always prayed for.
However my problem is I am very scared of revealing my feelings to her. I am scared she may think I am very unserious with my life as I am still battling to get into the university. Recently I asked her on phone if she has a boyfriend and she said yes. That night, I slept with a crying heart.
Agatha, should I tell her how I feel or remain her friend? She means so much to me.
Confused Lover.
Dear Confused Lover,
There is no shame in falling with love with someone who is your friend. Having been friends with her for two years, it is natural for you to feel something for her since she has all the qualities you have ever wanted in a woman.
Telling her will not diminish her respect for you. What would is if you make a nuisance of yourself in your drive to have her. That you are not in school doesn’t make it abnormal for you to have feelings. You are young and healthy which makes your feelings for her perfectly normal.
She would only consider you irresponsible if in the two years you have been friends, you have gotten into the habit of expressing interest in every woman you see or have a lot of girlfriends.
In such a situation, she would think, your interested in her is motivated by sex or desire to add her to your harem. But if you have always projected yourself as being responsible, respectful of her feelings and a caring young man, she would still cherish your friendship, whether she agrees to a relationship with you or not.
Your telling her is not intended to break up her relationship with the other man but to show her how much she means to you.
However, respect her views and feelings on this matter and don’t ever pressurize her into quitting her relationship. The essence of your telling her is only to give her a wider opportunity to be happy, nothing more, nothing less.
As for you admission, it will come when God ordains it. Read and leave the rest to God.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your urgent assistance.
There is this girl who has been my close friend for two years. I recently discovered that my feelings for her have grown deeper. I recognise it as love. And it is with my whole heart.
You see, she is my first female friend and is the very serious type. She takes everything including her studies very serious.
She’s the type of what I have always prayed for.
However my problem is I am very scared of revealing my feelings to her. I am scared she may think I am very unserious with my life as I am still battling to get into the university. Recently I asked her on phone if she has a boyfriend and she said yes. That night, I slept with a crying heart.
Agatha, should I tell her how I feel or remain her friend? She means so much to me.
Confused Lover.
Dear Confused Lover,
There is no shame in falling with love with someone who is your friend. Having been friends with her for two years, it is natural for you to feel something for her since she has all the qualities you have ever wanted in a woman.
Telling her will not diminish her respect for you. What would is if you make a nuisance of yourself in your drive to have her. That you are not in school doesn’t make it abnormal for you to have feelings. You are young and healthy which makes your feelings for her perfectly normal.
She would only consider you irresponsible if in the two years you have been friends, you have gotten into the habit of expressing interest in every woman you see or have a lot of girlfriends.
In such a situation, she would think, your interested in her is motivated by sex or desire to add her to your harem. But if you have always projected yourself as being responsible, respectful of her feelings and a caring young man, she would still cherish your friendship, whether she agrees to a relationship with you or not.
Your telling her is not intended to break up her relationship with the other man but to show her how much she means to you.
However, respect her views and feelings on this matter and don’t ever pressurize her into quitting her relationship. The essence of your telling her is only to give her a wider opportunity to be happy, nothing more, nothing less.
As for you admission, it will come when God ordains it. Read and leave the rest to God.
Good luck.
Doubt if I fathered this baby
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I met my wife in 2004. Shortly after our meeting she told me she was pregnant. As a result of the pregnancy she moved into my house.
I decided to see her parents to do the normal thing.
In the process of doing that she announced she was again pregnant. At this point, I suspected a foul play. And when the baby came, the second child, it bore no semblance of me. But I kept quiet.
I am however thinking of paying her bride price in April but almost every member of my family is against it, because they are of the opinion that the child isn’t mine. The child lacks any semblance of me.
Before I met her, she already had a child for someone else, something I regard as a mistake.
With what I have observed about the baby, what can I do to prove the paternity of the child? Besides this is the problem she is having with my family members. What can I do?
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
What gives you the impression other than the fact that the baby doesn’t look like you that the mother of your child is cheating on you? Must all babies take after their fathers to be accepted by their paternal family?
Much as you have every right in the world to pursue the matter to a logical conclusion, this is a very delicate matter you must have to handle with all the maturity in the world. You have to have sufficient evidences to question the paternity of a child. You don’t condemn a child’s entire future or that of the its mother on account of the baby not taking after you in terms of physical appearance.
A lot depends on who among the two of you have the stronger gene. If the woman has the dominant gene, the children are most likely to take after her own side of the family in physical looks. It doesn’t make them less your children or lacking in any of your quality. A child can take after its mother or father side of the family in terms of look. To condemn its mother on account of this as being unfaithful is not only unfair to the woman but also to the baby as well. What excuse would you give the child in future if you are told you as the father needed the assurances of the medical science to accept responsibility for its existence?
If your position as well of that of your family is informed by the fact that she already had a child for someone else and on the basis of that cannot be trusted to stay faithful, discussing your fears with her is more ideal than subjecting her to the emotional trauma of your suspicion and lack of faith in her. Unless you have a pressing reason to doubt her, this would destroy whatever chance of happiness you have together.
Marriage isn’t about what your family wants but about you being happy. Are you happy with this woman? That she doesn’t get on with your family isn’t the same thing as she not getting on with you. Both of you have lived together for at least more than a year. What have you on your own discovered about her? Does she have some of the qualities you have always wanted in a woman? Besides what your family thinks about her, what do you think about her? Irrespective of what they think, your decision concerning her is final if you think she has what it takes to make you happy.
And if you noticed anything unwholesome about her character, did you at anytime discuss anything with her? Did you draw her attention to it or simply wait for your family to support whatever suspicion you have to stop whatever plans making permanent your relationship with her?
There is also the issue of the interest of those children to consider. Assuming you are right in your suspicion that the second child isn’t yours, what about the first one? What would happen to that child? Who will care for the child? These are issues you have to deeply reflect on before arriving at whatever conclusions you desire.
The fact that got pregnant immediately after the first doesn’t make her guilty of any crime. Did you not make love to her within the period? Did you use any form of protection? For some women, pregnancy could occur in the first month after delivery. That she got pregnant almost immediately after the birth of her first child doesn’t make her guilty of anything. She has no power to determine the way her body works. Her body is functioning at the level God designed it to.
If you however feel you still want to go ahead with your decision to prove the paternity of the child, through Deoxyribonucleic Acid (DNA), go and see your doctor who would make arrangements for it to be done. Because the DNA contains the genetic instructions used in the development and functioning of all known living organisms, it is the most conclusive means still available to man to determine the paternity of a child. Since it contains the instructions needed to construct other components of cells such as proteins and RNA molecules, it is most accurate than the usual blood test.
To minimise the effect of your decision on mother and child, be bold and honest. Make her understand it is the only way you can relate freely with you and the child.
Plead with her for her support because at the end of it all you two still have pending matters that would forever require your joint attentions irrespective of whether you decide to go ahead with the marriage or not.
Both of you should pray for the peace of God in your lives because if His presence is in your lives, this dreadful suspicion wouldn’t have been.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I met my wife in 2004. Shortly after our meeting she told me she was pregnant. As a result of the pregnancy she moved into my house.
I decided to see her parents to do the normal thing.
In the process of doing that she announced she was again pregnant. At this point, I suspected a foul play. And when the baby came, the second child, it bore no semblance of me. But I kept quiet.
I am however thinking of paying her bride price in April but almost every member of my family is against it, because they are of the opinion that the child isn’t mine. The child lacks any semblance of me.
Before I met her, she already had a child for someone else, something I regard as a mistake.
With what I have observed about the baby, what can I do to prove the paternity of the child? Besides this is the problem she is having with my family members. What can I do?
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
What gives you the impression other than the fact that the baby doesn’t look like you that the mother of your child is cheating on you? Must all babies take after their fathers to be accepted by their paternal family?
Much as you have every right in the world to pursue the matter to a logical conclusion, this is a very delicate matter you must have to handle with all the maturity in the world. You have to have sufficient evidences to question the paternity of a child. You don’t condemn a child’s entire future or that of the its mother on account of the baby not taking after you in terms of physical appearance.
A lot depends on who among the two of you have the stronger gene. If the woman has the dominant gene, the children are most likely to take after her own side of the family in physical looks. It doesn’t make them less your children or lacking in any of your quality. A child can take after its mother or father side of the family in terms of look. To condemn its mother on account of this as being unfaithful is not only unfair to the woman but also to the baby as well. What excuse would you give the child in future if you are told you as the father needed the assurances of the medical science to accept responsibility for its existence?
If your position as well of that of your family is informed by the fact that she already had a child for someone else and on the basis of that cannot be trusted to stay faithful, discussing your fears with her is more ideal than subjecting her to the emotional trauma of your suspicion and lack of faith in her. Unless you have a pressing reason to doubt her, this would destroy whatever chance of happiness you have together.
Marriage isn’t about what your family wants but about you being happy. Are you happy with this woman? That she doesn’t get on with your family isn’t the same thing as she not getting on with you. Both of you have lived together for at least more than a year. What have you on your own discovered about her? Does she have some of the qualities you have always wanted in a woman? Besides what your family thinks about her, what do you think about her? Irrespective of what they think, your decision concerning her is final if you think she has what it takes to make you happy.
And if you noticed anything unwholesome about her character, did you at anytime discuss anything with her? Did you draw her attention to it or simply wait for your family to support whatever suspicion you have to stop whatever plans making permanent your relationship with her?
There is also the issue of the interest of those children to consider. Assuming you are right in your suspicion that the second child isn’t yours, what about the first one? What would happen to that child? Who will care for the child? These are issues you have to deeply reflect on before arriving at whatever conclusions you desire.
The fact that got pregnant immediately after the first doesn’t make her guilty of any crime. Did you not make love to her within the period? Did you use any form of protection? For some women, pregnancy could occur in the first month after delivery. That she got pregnant almost immediately after the birth of her first child doesn’t make her guilty of anything. She has no power to determine the way her body works. Her body is functioning at the level God designed it to.
If you however feel you still want to go ahead with your decision to prove the paternity of the child, through Deoxyribonucleic Acid (DNA), go and see your doctor who would make arrangements for it to be done. Because the DNA contains the genetic instructions used in the development and functioning of all known living organisms, it is the most conclusive means still available to man to determine the paternity of a child. Since it contains the instructions needed to construct other components of cells such as proteins and RNA molecules, it is most accurate than the usual blood test.
To minimise the effect of your decision on mother and child, be bold and honest. Make her understand it is the only way you can relate freely with you and the child.
Plead with her for her support because at the end of it all you two still have pending matters that would forever require your joint attentions irrespective of whether you decide to go ahead with the marriage or not.
Both of you should pray for the peace of God in your lives because if His presence is in your lives, this dreadful suspicion wouldn’t have been.
Good luck.
He’s not my kind of guy…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am currently very confused about my person and the direction of my life. At 23 years of age my relationship with members of the opposite gender is almost minus zero. If they are not disappointing me, they are busy breaking my heart. It isn’t funny anymore.
Presently, I am in a relationship with a guy who claims he wants me for a wife. As a matter of fact, he has been introducing me to all his friends as his wife. But frankly speaking Agatha, he isn’t the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
One of the reasons for this is that he isn’t honest and cannot be trusted whatsoever. He doesn’t care if I am in need of anything, instead he would be the one complaining about his lack of money. All he seems interested in is introducing me to his friends as his wife to be – a habit I detest with passion.
He is also jobless and claims to want to contest as a councillor in his local government area.
To add salt to injury, every guy that comes wants sex. No one wants to go steady with me.
I don’t know what to do because I am not getting younger. I just need a guy to settle down with, a guy that is loving, caring, and God fearing.
Please advise me on what to do. Should I stop accepting to go into relationship with men? Just tell me how to handle this matter.
Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Often it is easiest to blame others for our own mistakes instead of facing the problems we have on our own created. If you are complaining of lack of interest in you by any man at just 23 years of age, what reputation and image did you present of yourself to those around you?
Do you package yourself as a young self-respecting woman? Are your values such that any man would be happy being around you? How do you interpret love? Do you see it as an investment of quick money, pure sexual satisfaction or an investment that requires patience, support, understanding, tolerance, selflessness, friendship and care?
If your attitude to the inability of your current boyfriend is anything to go by, you are more interested in the financial comfort than any real interest in the man. If you are complaining about lack of serious men in your life and you have one who is interested in marrying you and has practically told everyone about his intentions for you, then you don’t have any real challenge beyond your own refusal to get your priorities right. If money is what you want, you can’t rule out men demanding for sex because they have to get returns for their investment in your life.
It may sound crude but when most men spend money on women, they want one thing in returns – sex! Only responsible men give money and material things to women without expecting returns on their investment. So if you are looking for a ready made man, be prepared to pay the price of being used and dumped when a better and more attractive lady comes into the picture.
I appreciate the ache of being with one who seems visionless in life but it is not the same thing as being scornful of someone on account of his or her inability to get a job. What you should investigate about this man is his seriousness about life and vision. Don’t look at his current status, rather focus on his tomorrows. Do you detect any seriousness in him? Does he have what it takes to be a successful politician? There is nothing wrong in him wanting to be a councillor provided he is clear about his intentions.
A wise person looks at someone’s tomorrow, while a foolish person focus on only the today.
Don’t make the costly mistake many persons make in life. He may be jobless, appears to be a nuisance now but would he remain one for life?
And if you think, he doesn’t fit at all into your image of Mr. Right, do the decent thing of ending the relationship instead of sticking around him, depriving him and yourself of bright chances of meeting other interesting people. You would end up cheating yourself the more by staying on with him if you don’t like what he is telling people about you.
Importantly, develop the habit of praying. It would help you a lot in effecting some chances you may want to do in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am currently very confused about my person and the direction of my life. At 23 years of age my relationship with members of the opposite gender is almost minus zero. If they are not disappointing me, they are busy breaking my heart. It isn’t funny anymore.
Presently, I am in a relationship with a guy who claims he wants me for a wife. As a matter of fact, he has been introducing me to all his friends as his wife. But frankly speaking Agatha, he isn’t the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
One of the reasons for this is that he isn’t honest and cannot be trusted whatsoever. He doesn’t care if I am in need of anything, instead he would be the one complaining about his lack of money. All he seems interested in is introducing me to his friends as his wife to be – a habit I detest with passion.
He is also jobless and claims to want to contest as a councillor in his local government area.
To add salt to injury, every guy that comes wants sex. No one wants to go steady with me.
I don’t know what to do because I am not getting younger. I just need a guy to settle down with, a guy that is loving, caring, and God fearing.
Please advise me on what to do. Should I stop accepting to go into relationship with men? Just tell me how to handle this matter.
Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Often it is easiest to blame others for our own mistakes instead of facing the problems we have on our own created. If you are complaining of lack of interest in you by any man at just 23 years of age, what reputation and image did you present of yourself to those around you?
Do you package yourself as a young self-respecting woman? Are your values such that any man would be happy being around you? How do you interpret love? Do you see it as an investment of quick money, pure sexual satisfaction or an investment that requires patience, support, understanding, tolerance, selflessness, friendship and care?
If your attitude to the inability of your current boyfriend is anything to go by, you are more interested in the financial comfort than any real interest in the man. If you are complaining about lack of serious men in your life and you have one who is interested in marrying you and has practically told everyone about his intentions for you, then you don’t have any real challenge beyond your own refusal to get your priorities right. If money is what you want, you can’t rule out men demanding for sex because they have to get returns for their investment in your life.
It may sound crude but when most men spend money on women, they want one thing in returns – sex! Only responsible men give money and material things to women without expecting returns on their investment. So if you are looking for a ready made man, be prepared to pay the price of being used and dumped when a better and more attractive lady comes into the picture.
I appreciate the ache of being with one who seems visionless in life but it is not the same thing as being scornful of someone on account of his or her inability to get a job. What you should investigate about this man is his seriousness about life and vision. Don’t look at his current status, rather focus on his tomorrows. Do you detect any seriousness in him? Does he have what it takes to be a successful politician? There is nothing wrong in him wanting to be a councillor provided he is clear about his intentions.
A wise person looks at someone’s tomorrow, while a foolish person focus on only the today.
Don’t make the costly mistake many persons make in life. He may be jobless, appears to be a nuisance now but would he remain one for life?
And if you think, he doesn’t fit at all into your image of Mr. Right, do the decent thing of ending the relationship instead of sticking around him, depriving him and yourself of bright chances of meeting other interesting people. You would end up cheating yourself the more by staying on with him if you don’t like what he is telling people about you.
Importantly, develop the habit of praying. It would help you a lot in effecting some chances you may want to do in your life.
Good luck.
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