Tired waiting after dating him for 10 years…

Dear Agatha, 

I am a lawyer, 31years, third child of the family of five girls and a boy. I met my boyfriend in my 100 level, we were very close that a lot of our mates thought we were headed for the altar. 

Although he was a year ahead of me when we started, he had to dropout of school when he discovered the person who helped him with his admission didn’t do a perfect job. 

His friend and I were the only ones who knew about this. He didn’t even tell his parents. He was collecting money from his parents under the pretence of being in school. He tried to secure admission again but nothing worked.

When I was in my 300level or thereabout, I called him again to try but he kept telling me he would. 

Meanwhile his father who at the time was working with United States’ Embassy in Lagos was nearing his retirement. He was entitled to relocate to the US with his wife and children under the ages 21. The older ones he could file for. Perhaps, he thought this would come earlier; hence he didn’t take the admission thing too serious since he thought he would relocate and begin a new life in the US. 

After a while, he completely forgot the admission thing and took to hanging out with friends until they all left for their houses. He was really living life to the full and didn’t think twice about cheating on me. There was a particular girl he dated concurrently for two years. When I found out I was really hurt and disappointed. He begged me not to leave him, promising to drop the girl.

I stayed but vowed to revenge. Looking back, I regretted not leaving him then. I kept reminding him of his admission status and most times, he takes offence and tells me not to disturb him. There was a day he told me to leave him alone and not to disturb him. He however apologised and claimed not to have meant it, but that he just wanted me to stop pestering him about it. 

In my 400level, his father was preparing to relocate to the US, I reminded him again and told him it was an opportunity to at least see if he could get money from his father, stay back in Lagos and see what business he could start, especially as people assumed he was in his final year. This infuriated him and asked why I would say that.

Having lied to his father that he had an extra year, his father left him his car. I reminded him again and asked how would he get money to service the car? I graduated and went to law school. I kept asking him to go back to school because I am worried about how he would provide for me as a wife.

He refused until I reported him to his friend. He is now in his first semester Ordinary National Diploma part time in a Lagos Polytechnic. He still has three years to go. 

I raised the issue and he said he would wait for his father to send for him and that he would not even need any certificate to travel then. I kept quiet because I didn’t buy this at all. 

But I had to lie to my family that he too was serving in the North while I kept begging him to go back to school since I have been deceiving my family from 2001 concerning his education. 

My challenge now is that I have been working for the past four years and each day, I meet people. Sincerely, I don’t want to settle down for less than I am, but because of the love I have for him, I have stayed with him. It has gotten to the embarrassing point of people asking when we are going to get married. I have kept lying to them just to protect him. 

Last year February, my younger sister got married. Now my youngest sister called me to inform me of her intentions to marry, but that she wanted me to go first. 

I dated a guy last year that was ready to marry me, but he frustrated the relationship till I broke up with the guy. It wasn’t the first time he would be doing that to me. Now I don’t even have the nerve to go into any serious relationship. 

Once I met a guy and he begins to talk about marriage, I break up with him and begin to date guys who are not serious because this man is so much part of me.  

I am under severe pressure to marry. It isn’t as if my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me but I am scared because my salary alone cannot sustain both of us as my salary isn’t even up to N30,000. People think he is a graduate and he can get a job anytime, but I know better. 

The impression a lot of people have about me is that I don’t want to marry him because he doesn’t have a job. Some even go to the extent of counselling me that marriage would bring us better luck.

Recently, he asked the father to call me, which he did. He told me to tell my parents to fix a date for our wedding. His father obviously didn’t like the answer I gave him to the effect that his son and I weren’t ready because he hung up on me.  

Agatha, we have been dating for 10 years. He is too possessive and thinks I am cheating on him; hence he takes to calling me almost every hour. Like me he is also 31, though I am two months older. There are other guys interested in marrying me. There is one particular one who is so persistent but I am not serious about him. I really wish I broke up with him long ago. The issue is I am very scared. I really want to get married as soon as possible. Please advise me. I want to celebrate my next birthday in my husband’s house.  

Worried Lady 

Dear Worried Lady, 

You and not this man is your own problem. You are the one who constitutes an impediment to your chance of being happy. He isn’t the one driving away the men, you are. He isn’t the one lying to your family and everybody, you are. He isn’t the one allowing his family escape with the impression that he isn’t ready to marry, you are. 

He isn’t the one who has forced you to continue to excuse his behaviour, you did. In all these, you are the one to blame for whatever challenges you are going through. So stop looking for excuses where none exists and sit down to ask yourself some soul-searching questions. 

Granted you love him but where is all this leading? You claim you don’t want to marry him because you cannot fend for him on your present salary, but you are unwilling to marry any of the suitors who come your way. So what do you want? The thing is for you to make up your mind on what you want first before asking for help. You cannot eat and still have your cake. It is either you make up your mind to stay with him, ignore his inability to go through school or you move on with your life. 

Don’t wait until you become desperate, when the suitors begin to dry up before you make up your mind on what direction to sail your ship. At 31, age is gradually not on your side. You are inching as a woman to that age when single women become desperate to marry. Don’t for the sake of a love you appear unable to define, waste your own life? 

Already, your family, his family and friends all think you are to blame, the reason you are still single. It is high time you told all of them the truth. It is the only way you can really be free of the burden of your guilt at helping him to tell lie to his family and yours. The only way too, you can openly engage in a relationship with another man without friends and family members asking you embarrassing questions. 

You are scared because you don’t know how to face the consequences of the lies you have helped him to tell or what he would do to himself if you expose the truth about him. Frankly, you are not helping him at all to keep this lie because as long as you help him keep it from his family and friends, he would never really be serious with his life. 

He will never be the kind of man you want to marry to. You have done your best all these years but the issue is clearly beyond what you can manage alone. This is time you involved his parents in the battle of helping him re-order his life. Your boyfriend he may be, but he isn’t your responsibility. His parents will never forgive you for helping him to destroy his life by keeping this away from him. So also would your parents for not telling them. You have gotten to a point where you have to be cruel to be kind. 

Sincerely, there is no way your relationship can move beyond this point with the way things are between the two of you. You have too much resentment against him for you to be free to love him as you once did again. 

The issue between the two of you has gone beyond him cheating on you or you on him. It is more a matter of you blaming him for the loss of precious time and what appears to be the death of a dream plan. 

You will feel a lot better if the world knows where the problem really is in your relationship. It would make you breathe better and clear your mind up for the task of re-charting your own life given the reality on ground. 

If the choice still remains him, at least you would be doing so with a freer mind not one ridden by guilt of the secret of not wanting anybody to know about his aborted education. Then it won’t be a matter of whether he is good enough for me, but that of knowing that without him, you are not complete, hence the need for you to make the required sacrifice for both of you. 

And if the choice were for you to end the relationship, it would be because you have gotten to that point where you can no longer cope. 

All you need is for you to be very sincere with yourself and people around you.

Good luck. 

Distance makes her vulnerable to love advances from petit Alhajis

Dear Agatha, 

I really appreciate what you are doing. I have a problem with the lady I am dating whom I love so much and I have promised to marry. I have gone as far as meeting her parents in the North where they reside though they are from the Eastern part of the country. The problem is that she is far from me and from my investigations and evidences is unfaithful to me. 

I have reports of her dealings with the young Alhajis and even copies of disturbing text messages sent her. What do you advise me to do?

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

What kind of advice do you want me to give you when you have all the evidences that she is unfaithful to you? The choice of what works for you is yours to make. It depends on how desperate you are to have her in your life. 

Because this is an issue that would forever shadow your relationship with her, you must adopt a very realistic approach to it. The major questions you should ask yourself are: would you be able to cope with the knowledge of her infidelity to you? Would you have the much needed trust for her, and if you do marry her eventually, would you deep down ever wholly accept the children of the union as yours? 

The legitimacy of the children of your union with her is an issue you must address from now so that you will not later maltreat the children. This is why you should consider this issue seriously since it would eventually be beyond what you feel for her to what is real. One thing is to live with an unfaithful wife, another is to live with children you are confident are yours. 

The wise thing for you to do now is to confront her with all the evidences you have including the text messages you obviously transferred from her phone to yours. Hear her out. Give her the benefit of doubt to explain and defend herself against the evidences you have gathered against her. 

In deciding on the way forward for both of you, there is also the need for you to take special consideration of the reasons for her actions. Has it to do with distance? If yes, do you consider it a good enough reasons considering the fact that somewhere in your marital life; you may have to live separately for a while due to transfer from the office, business trips or in the search for better economic empowerment. What would happen when you are not around her? Would she be able to cope with the distance factor? Would she have the discipline to abstain from sex during the time you would be away?

You must consider the long-term implication of her reasons. The important thing here is to be truthful to yourself and ideals. Whatever decision you make, ensure it is the kind that would stand the test of time, one you will not look back on with regrets and tears; one which the future will be kind on you. Life is in phases, each with its colours and codes. Sometimes what we think is unbearable in one season, could in another season be tenable. The only constant feature of all these seasons we pass through in life is the spirit of truth. Ensure you have plenty of it to avoid pains and disappointment later in life.

Good luck. 

He’s a carefree guy…

Dear Agatha, 

 I have a boyfriend that seems carefree to me but I love him all the same. However, I am tired of his habit.  What should I do to retain him?Nafisat.

Dear Nasfisat,

If you are tired of his habits, initiate a dialogue with him. Let him know that despite the love you have for him, you are getting to your breaking point and that you could snap at any moment from the frustration you feel at his habits. He may not know the extent of your irritations with him or how severely these habits of his affect people around him, especially you. There is nothing constructive dialogue cannot achieve. All you need is to be absolutely truthful about your feelings including your fear of walking out on the relationship if he doesn’t change. In doing this, you must also be humble enough to subject yourself to examination, because there is no perfect person in life. Like him, you must be prepared to face the truth about yourself. It is the only way both of you can move your relationship forward. 

Relationship isn’t just about romance; it is also about helping the other person to become better in terms of behaviour and relationship with the larger society. 

As long as you handle it with maturity, refusing to play the saint, you won’t lose him to his habits.

Good luck.

Need Yoruba girl for serious date

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column. God will continue to enrich you with wisdom. I am a decent male, aged 29, and a graduate from Anambra State. Please I am interested in a Yoruba lady, responsible and hardworking. My dream is to have such a woman for a wife. She should be aged 23-25 years of age and must be a graduate for a relationship. An interested lady should contact me through this number 07030935778.  

Before my penchant for sex sack our love…

Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column and trust you will help me.
I have been having problems getting the girl I am dating to trust me.
The major problem here is the issue of sex. Countless times, we have had problems traceable to sex issues. She says she doesn’t want sex in the relationship but many times, we fall into it and she never objects. 

On good number of times, she had been the one initiating the whole thing. She knows exactly how to turn me on and she always goes straight to those spots that cause the greatest arousal. But on every occasion, she ends up accusing me of having no respect for her, of being in the relationship for sex alone.
It hurts me a lot each time this happens because I truly love her and I’m not in the relationship for sex alone.
To make matters worse, she is confiding in a male friend of hers. 

I have nothing against her unburdening her heart to her friend, I am only afraid if things continue this way, he might one day start taking advantage of her situation to woo her to his side and probably, even hurt her.
I really need help on how to stop my hormones from wrecking my relationship. I truly love this girl and do not wish to hurt her. I need to know how to be in charge of my hormones and not the hormones being in control of me.
Zeddicus

Dear Zeddicus, 

Stop acting the role of a hen-pecked man. Stop feeling guilty for wanting the same thing she wants. If she is serious about not sleeping with you, she won’t allow herself to be locked in a secluded place with you or touch sensitive parts of your body she knows would ignite your passion for her. 

What she is doing is called a teasing game. She doesn’t want to take responsibility for her action and is instead pushing the blame to you. Since she is always a willing party to it, make her understand that if she has the discipline to insist on you not going the whole way, you would act the gentle man and stop. That she as her own gatekeeper has the final say on whether she wants to be made love to or not.

Insist you can only be blamed if you ignore whatever she says at the vital point but that since she is always receptive to you, you cannot alone take the liability for what she clearly desires. 

The only thing you can both import trust into this relationship is for her especially to be very clear on what she wants from you and this relationship. It takes two to tangle. She can claim to want one thing while she does another. If she doesn’t want sex, let her say so and do everything to discourage you from having access to her body and if she wants it, she should be bold enough to be honest about it. The rules of a game are always spelt out and the beginning of it not midway. She cannot cry fowl in a game she is clearly the one breaking all the rules. 

For any man to have respect for a woman, she has to first give respect to her body and image. This is the point you should make clear to her; that you love her enough to do her bidding at every point in the relationship. All you need is for her to tell you in actions and words what she wants and you would respect her wish. This would be enough evidence of your love for her.

If you don’t feel comfortable sleeping with her, avoid being in a secluded place with her. Ensure there are people around the two of you when she comes to visit you. The good thing about being an adult is the discipline to resist temptations that come in the way of sex. You must begin to train yourself to decline; this is essential to your self-development as a man.

As for confiding in her friend whatever happens in the relationship, as long as it doesn’t affect your relationship negatively, there is nothing wrong in having a friend to talk to. This man can only take advantage of her if your woman allows herself to be taken advantage of.  If she insists on the relationship remaining platonic, even if the man desires her, it would remain so. In both situations, your girlfriend has the ultimate power to decide what she wants and would work for her, not you or this other man. 

At this all-important juncture of your relationship, there is the need for you to sit her down to readdress the issue of what she really wants from you and this relationship. To continue to ignore the obvious is to postpone doom’s day. Whether you elect to take the responsibility of the intimacy between the two of you or not the fact remains that she has to make a very sincere choice of her desires.

If she isn’t bold enough to face the truth about her desires, there is no way you can help protect her from your own needs as a man.

By sitting her down, you give the opportunity of re-writing the dos and don’ts rules of your relationship. Your role is to help her face the truth about herself. It is called the T-junction of truth. If she wants sex, let her be bold enough to admit it. She should stop pretending to be who she isn’t. Granted, everywoman now proclaims a sex-free relationship, the truth remains that not everywoman has the self-discipline to abstain from it. At any rate, the fact that she is active with you underscores her need to come out with the truth about herself. 

Make it plain to her that you aren’t bothered about the image she is trying to project rather, what you want is the chance for both of you to be happy together as a couple.  Assure her that by dropping whatever image she is trying to project of herself, would remove the tension being created by her anytime you both make love and subsequently give both of you the time to study each other as well as move the relationship to the next level. 

The earlier both of you tackled this issue the better for both of you, because a time would come when you would begin to resent her attitude and unfair blame of you. Don’t wait, if you love this girl as much as you say, for that time to happen because you may not have the needed patience to listen to whatever excuse or thing she has to say.

Issues are best tackled in a relationship as they come up. Most postponements often than not result in more pains than they would have, if discussed at the onset.

You love her, no doubt, but you have to take a definite stand on this matter if you hope to have a rewarding relationship with each other. 

Good luck. 

What’s wrong with missionary style of lovemaking?

Dear Agatha,

Please I want to know if there is/are any harms to my pregnant wife or our unborn child when we make love using the missionary style. That’s the only position my wife can use. Please note that the pregnancy is in its seventh month going to eighth. 

Secondly, is it true that a pregnant woman must keep having sex to aid her delivery? Finally, I do appreciate how you have been a blessing to virtually everybody that has come across your column. 

God will continue to enrich and enhance you in all aspects of your life. 

Afiz.

Dear Afiz, 

No. There is no harm to your wife and unborn child in the position you assumed during lovemaking. The key word is her comfort. As long as she is happy and comfortable with it, there is nothing to fear. Lovemaking during pregnancy is premised principally on the comfort of the woman. Even though doctors think certain positions are risky for a woman to assume during pregnancy, the fact remains that nobody but the woman can determine which position she and her unborn baby are most comfortable with. 

All you have to do is to constantly ask her the position she wants, the fact that she is comfortable with one position today doesn’t mean she would be next day. What is required of you at all times is to be very gentle with her on account of the baby inside of her. 

Yes, regular sex is advised for a woman during pregnancy. The argument is that it aids both mother and child during delivery. Regular sex during pregnancy helps to keep the birth canal opened for easy passage of the baby during labour. However, the safety of both mother and child remains paramount. Once she complains of any discomfort at any level of the intimacy, the wise thing to do is to withdraw.    

Good luck.                                                                                                   

Marriage is not her desire now…

Dear Agatha,

I have been very close to you through your column.  I consider your solutions to be
very useful, practical and straight.I am a single man of 36 years of age. I lost my only relationship of eight years two years ago; since then I have been searching for another lady to settle down with. I must confess it is becoming very difficult for me doing this at my age as well as with my status. Everywoman I come across knows I am looking for a wife. They pretend to be good, but sooner or later, I discover the duplicity in their character. 

In March last year, I came across this young lady. I have since then tried to be close to her, never hiding my desire to have her as a wife. The first time I met her, I asked if she has any existing relationship with any man. She told me that she has a two-year-old relationship with another man. 

I asked how close they were and if they have any plans to marry. She told me that although they are close but the man hasn’t proposed to her. At that point, I decided to go ahead with the relationship. I later proposed to her.
She neither rejected nor accepted my proposal. Instead she said we should maintain the status quo since she hasn’t made up her mind to marry yet. I tried to convince her that at 22, and a third year student in the university, she didn’t have any excuse not to think of marriage.

I did everything within my powers to meet her needs. I made sure she didn’t lack much. In addition to the gifts, I made sure I was there physically. Still she didn’t change her mind.
I also didn’t attempt taking her to bed because I desired her to know how much I really care for and serious with her. At some points, my friends started mocking me as well as my claims to being a man. They think I should have long taken her to bed. 

Towards the end of last year, I slowed down with her and we lost contact, but I confirmed that she and the other guy were still dating.
Recently, I called her again and we started talking.
Agatha, I have made it clear to her that I want something more from her. I want marriage or nothing. Please, do I still keep the contact with her or forget her and seek another girl ready for marriage?
Albert.

Dear Albert, 

It should be obvious to you by now that this girl isn’t interested in marrying you. She didn’t deceive you into thinking she was. You are with her because you want to be and not because she is giving you any encouragement to spend money on her, care for her or be there for her. Telling you she has a boyfriend in her life is enough to tell you that you will never become who you so much want to be in her life. 

Chances are she sees you purely as a friend in her life, one she can do without, hence her refusal to get in touch with you when you didn’t call. Admitting she has a boyfriend she is very close to and refusing to accept your wedding proposal absolves her of any blame whatsoever. 

The thing now is for you to get serious with your own life. In your desperation to marry, you are opening yourself up for pains, hurts as well as more disappointments in life. Give her up and plan for your own woman.  The only way you can do that successfully is to forget completely the disappointment of your doomed relationship. Stop feeling pity for yourself and forget whatever reasons the other woman gave for the failure of that relationship. There is nobody without the story of heartache. Disappointment is associated with happiness. They almost partner each other. The only way to manage disappointment is not to dwell too much on it else it would be difficult to move on to other things. Doubtless, the pains of that disappointment would never really go away especially as it involved eight very good years of your life, but go on you must in life.

By refusing to act desperate, you take away the power of any woman to hurt you. Take your time to study the woman you want to marry. From your experience, there are mistakes you made before which you must avoid at all cost. Just as there are no perfect situations, there are no perfect beings. Admit to your own mistakes in that relationship with a view of ensuring you don’t fall into the same situation. Where you have to be firm, please do so, and where you have to bend backwards do so also. As the leader of the team, you must at all times be alive to your responsibilities to earn the respect of those you lead in this case, the woman in your life.

Rest more on God to avoid another grave mistake in your choice of a life partner. When in haste, it is always best to lessen your speed limit to prevent a fatal accident. Relax and take your time to get the right woman to share your life with. Marriage is not about how early but how well.

Good luck. 

I don’t understand this lady

 Dear Agatha

I am a graduate, 25 years of age and an entrepreneur. My problem has to do with the difficulties of establishing a relationship with the opposite sex. I must confess that I wasn’t brought up with the “mixing up” mentality.

I met this young lady about four years ago and we developed interest in each other. She once confessed her love for me through a friend of hers even though I have not asked her out. She went as far as telling this mutual friend of ours that she is waiting for my proposal.     

However her attitude towards me belies this claim. Although, there are times that we are so close, the other times she is very cold towards me. She acts as if we are complete strangers and would ignore me for as long as two months without reasons only for things to magically turn around after sometime.  

I have tried talking to her about this aspect of hers but she hasn’t been able to give me any good reason why she acts like that. I don’t understand this trend. Is she really in love with me?

Secondly, there is this lady that got attracted to me some years back and often confesses her love for me. She was always the one pushing for a relationship between us through her love advances, but I paid little attention to her. Recently I asked her out and she told me she would not answer my question. It’s been four months now and she has not given me any reply. She even confessed she cannot stand me dating another lady and still tells me she loves me. I saw it as the normal ‘ladies’thing, but since she expressed her interest first, I fail to understand or appreciate the attitude she is now putting up. Please help me out.

Iyke.

Dear Iyke, 

At 25, you should by now have an idea of the kind of woman that is right for you, the one that would help you grow your home, family and business. Unless you do that, you would continue to misunderstand so many things about women generally and particularly those you come into contact with.

In addition, you must help yourself by placing friendship first instead of relationship. If you have been having the challenge of establishing relationships with members of the opposite sex, you must first clear the hurdle by learning how to be in the company of female friends. See women first as human beings you must have as friends, people you can talk to confide in, lean on in times of difficulties as well as trust. To be able to conduct a successful and meaningful relationship with a woman, you must have a clear idea into the workings of a woman’s mind. 

Going straight into a relationship without you first knowing the complexity of a woman’s mind and attitude is just like writing an examination on a subject you know nothing about beyond the cover. 

Being in company of female friends would give you a clear idea of the different kinds of women there are as well as the common attribute of all women. You are unable to relate with any of these ladies because you have no inkling into what they want or how to respond to them. In a way, they remain an enigma to you even if you do the basic thing of communicating with them. 

They have done their bit by indicating interest in you. It is more than any woman can do. The onus of taking the relationship forward is now entirely your business. You must therefore define what you want in your ideal woman to know if any of these women meets your requirement in the first place. 

Since both of them appear to have similar issues with you, the best thing for you is to find out why they are playing both hot and cold. Call them separately, to first apologise for any shortcomings from your end. Having declared their interest in you, inactivity from your end would definitely be interpreted by any woman in their shoes as rejection, which in turn would make any average woman shameful at making the first move. You have to clear whatever ill-feelings they have first to be able to get them to talk about what they think of you. Have the patience to listen carefully to them, the humility to learn from them because you would always need these pieces of advice as you progress in life.

Have it in mind that a relationship goes beyond a man meeting a woman. There are so many things that must be adhered to in every relationship. Before love can be conclusive, you must be patient, understanding, tolerant, caring, respectful and responsible in every way. You must have the maturity to deal and live with a woman because relationship and marriage can be a very tasking journey despite its anticipated emotional fulfillment.

One thing you should however never do is to engage these two women in a relationship concurrently. Be friends with them. At the end of the day, you would have gained better because the woman you will end up with would in addition to being your woman be a dependable friend, one who has a thorough understanding of who and what you are.

Good luck. 

I have to choose between church or registry wedding

Dear Agatha, 

I will really appreciate your candid advice on this issue I am about sharing with you. When my husband and I met, he told me he would only participate in two kinds of wedding ceremonies. He said he would not be a party to three wedding ceremonies as is the norm these days. He told me the most important one to him was the traditional marriage and gave me the option of choosing between the church and court weddings. 

I agreed to his terms then but once in a while tried talking to him with the hope of making him change his mind on his decision but he always insists on doing only two. He says his decision is personal. 

Our traditional wedding was done last month. He is waiting for my decision on the other kind of wedding to fix the date. 

Now the issue is I would like to know the advantages, implications and disadvantages of both the church and court weddings. I am kind of confused as to which to choose. I have tried to ask questions but I’m not getting satisfactory answers, which informs my decision to bring it to your table for counseling. Please educate me on this issue. 

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife, 

One fact you should never let go is this, a marriage doesn’t strive on the kind of ceremony one did but on one’s understanding of what the whole process is all about. The success or otherwise of a marriage is the emotional investment the couple is willing to put into it. You and your man can go through all the kinds of ceremonies there are but if you both lack the commitment and determination required to translate those vows you both made at the various kinds of wedding ceremonies you went through, into patience, tolerance, respect, responsibilities, care, support, friendship; the marriage will still run into problems. 

The first step is for you to be clear on what you want, as well as your place as a woman in the set up. Whatever your qualifications are, who and what you are, your place as the wife is to give your husband all the support he needs to succeed and to show respect for his wishes. 

From the beginning he has told you what his decision is on this matter. To him it isn’t the number of ceremonies you both have that matter but what the ones you agree to mean to both of you. Be careful not to burden your marriage from its nascent stage with a load that is too heavy for it to carry. Ceremonies are meant for the public to participate in rejoicing with a couple and not a yardstick for the success of a marriage. 

Back to your question, given the choice of a church wedding and registry, opt for the one more recognised by the law. Legally, the registry is the one recognised by the laws of the land. It carries all the full weight of the law and protects the woman in case of any eventuality from many of our ancient laws and customs that militate against a woman, especially at the death of her husband. 

The court wedding gives the woman the legal platform to stand and fight for the rights of her children particularly in situations where the husband dies interstate – that is without a Will. And even in case of divorce, it gives the woman the advantage of having a portion of her husband’s assets. 

That is why couples that go through the wedding ceremonies still go through the legal thing of going through a court wedding to give the woman mainly the legal premise to operate. Besides, the marriage certificate from the court is the only one recognised and accepted by courts in case of dispute. Under strict applications of the law, only the woman who has the legal document, the marriage certificate duly issued by the registry is considered to be the legal wife even where the man is married to other women. This is the major advantage the court wedding has over the church wedding.

The church wedding is simply to give it the spiritual coverage; recognition by the church. Even where couples wed in the church, some churches these days make it mandatory for couples to still go to the registry for legal protection. 

What most couples in your situation do is to go to the registry first and go for blessing in the church. The blessing which comes in the form of a special thanksgiving gives the marriage the same kind of spiritual recognition as the wedding done in the church. It is a matter of the leadership of the church understanding the issues involved. 

Since your husband is adamant on not having more than two wedding ceremonies, discuss with your church leadership. There is no way on the format you want the blessing to take. Your husband has done the important one of agreeing to the traditional wedding ceremony where your bride price has been paid in line with our customs and tradition. It gives you protection under our native laws and customs act. 

In your shoes, I would settle for the registry. Spiritualism is what we live with everyday and at any rate, in the court, you are jointed together according to the religion you practice. 

Marriage itself is a spiritual arrangement which means from the day two people become one, they have entered into a spiritual bond. 

If it is grandiose of a wedding ceremony you want, you still have the cake, reception, gaiety of the church wedding ceremony. It is a matter of you planning the reception at a venue of your choice with all the wedding train. There is no limit to what you can do with a court wedding. It is a matter of using your imagination and observing the laws governing the serenity of the registry. 

I understand that like the average woman, you want your wedding to be a day to remember. It all comes within the package. It is a matter of accommodating the wish of your husband first and planning the kind of reception you have always wanted.

To ensure you understand what his point really is, discuss with him. Know what his misgiving really is to avoid you making a grievous mistake in your marriage. Understanding why he is against having all the three wedding ceremonies would help you too know the kind of after wedding ceremony to plan. Whatever decision you make at the end of the day, ensure you take your husband along even if he has given the authorisation to make your choice. It is your day as well as his so make it a joint event. It is the only way to tell him that he remains supreme in your life and that you intend consulting him on any matter in your home. One of the greatest secrets to a successful marriage is to personalise it by refusing to follow the crowd.

In addition, commit your decisions and thoughts to God always to avoid disappointments that come from human knowledge and wisdom.

Good luck. 

She doesn’t show remorse over wrong deed…

Dear Agatha,
There is this young lady I desired to marry this year, but who suggested we wait till next year when she would have graduated. 

Two months ago, we had a misunderstanding which led to cutting off communication between us for a month and five days. Within that period, I kept sending her allowance and weekly airtime in line with my routine. The only response I get from her is a cold “thank you” sms.  Some few weeks back, on a Saturday, I drove from Umuahia where I stopped over in her school in Enugu to pick her home, because they’d closed for the session. I got to her school gate just 30 minutes after she left school. I got this information from one of the security men in the school that I often contact.   Immediately, I called her number to inform her that I was at her school gate to take her home. She replied by asking me why I came. I asked where she was so I could come to pick her there. She told me she was somewhere watching a football match. I asked her where, and she kept asking me why I was asking her and why it’s now my business to call her. I told her I would wait for her at her school gate for 30 minutes. To my surprise she bluntly told me, I should come to Nsukka the next day if I wanted to see her because that’s when she would be home.

 After waiting for 30 minutes by the school gate, I called her aunty in Enugu to ask if she was there. The aunty said she wasn’t there. I also called her mother in Nsukka and father in Abuja to know when she told them she would be coming back home. They both told me, the next day. 

After waiting for 45 minutes at the school gate without a sign of her, I left. I slept in Enugu that night and went back to Umuahia the next day. When I got to Umuahia, I called her father to explain what transpired between his daughter and me. He promised to travel to Nsukka the next day to see her. He must have done that, because she has been sending me text messages since then.  My problem with her is that she is very stubborn and known for her unapologetic nature. Not once has she ever apologised to me, not even when she is wrong in this relationship. I have told my sister who introduced the two of us.

Chuks. 

Dear Chuks, 

One of the most difficult things to do in life is to build a successful relationship. Don’t forget both of you are coming from different backgrounds, homes, beliefs and family traditions. Besides, you both have your different personalities that must first go through distilling if other aspects of a relationship have to be tackled.  Good enough, you are familiar with her nature: that she is stubborn and finds it difficult to apologise. The thing is how far are you ready to go with this aspect of her? At this critical junction, you must be realistic enough to know that no matter how much you desire some changes in her, she won’t be able to let go of some of her character just like you too would find it difficult to let go some aspects of your person.  Problems often come in a relationship when couple delude into thinking that their mate would change after a while. Yes, her father may have succeeded for now in getting her to send you these text messages, which to you represent apology, but be real enough to know that this is an aspect of the person you love. It is a vital part of the whole person that she is. Overtime, you will find it difficult to go to her father for help. 

The logical question you should ask yourself now is whether you cope forever with this side of her? Don’t pretend because you would eventually get to that point where you wouldn’t be able to pretend or tolerate the situation anymore. 

But preparing yourself for the possibility of living with this part of her would go a long way in determining how you would both manage your affairs with minimal interference from third parties.  The vital question to ask yourself now: do you have the patience and strength to cope with her kind of person? Can you tolerate living with a woman who is as stubborn as she is and who doesn’t see anything wrong in whatever she does? Do you have the kind of maturity and state of mind to always ignore her and absorb the heat when you both have a disagreement?

An honest answer to these questions would help point you at the direction you should go.  If you don’t pretend about a situation today, it wouldn’t become a burden tomorrow. Be bold enough to admit to your limitations as a human being. We all get to a point in a situation where our elasticity as a human being would snap beyond repairs. But to prevent that situation, we must learn to be honest about her abilities because this journey and decision is for a long-term project. Go to God in prayers because He has arranged everything concerning us to honour His name in our lives. 

Good luck. 

Both HIV positive, but he makes our love deal awry

Dear Agatha, 

I am a woman living with HIV. I have turned down many offers for marriage because of this. I have been unable to open up to any of the suitors coming my way. However, A concerned counsellor introduced me to a man also of the same status. He is 36 while I am 34. The idea was for us to see if we could have a life together as husband and wife. 

The relationship started well and I had reasons to think that he could just be the one. I played my part to ensure the success of the relationship. Somehow along the line, he became verbally and emotionally abusive. He would use unhealthy words and speak to me in very harsh tones. When I made a recap of the relationship, I realised it was no longer in sync with my idea of having a happy life and a happy death. I told him that it seems the relationship was not working that we should let it be -that it has probably served its purpose, but he wasn’t ready to let go. To my surprise, he promised to make amends, and because of the strong emotions I have for him too, I stayed back.

The relationship has gradually settled, but I must say that it is indeed unhealthy in my estimation. For almost a year that we have been dating, I have never received a single gift of whatever kind from him. I felt so starved at a point that I asked him to buy me a flower, only for him to ask me what I need it for. He never bought one for me. Eventually, I had to buy one for myself. 

He comes to my house, making demands on the kind of food he wants me to prepare for him. In fact, sometimes he does it ahead telling me the next time he comes he would like a particular food. Initially, I enjoyed cooking for him and all that, but he had never for once reciprocated even to buy fruits on his way to my house. He does not even appreciate my efforts, rather he would always complain of something that is not exactly right. He is highly temperamental and comes to me with all the frustrations he had encountered during the day and pours them on me. From the look of things, it is only a matter of time before he starts laying his fingers on me. 

I am so unhappy in the relationship right now, yet I have lost the power to call it quit. I no longer have a picture of the two of us beyond the present moment. I am beginning to lose my charm, charisma and confidence. Yet, I feel so trapped, unable to quit.

I sincerely need your advice.

Michelle.

Dear Michelle,

Why do you feel so helpless and unable to walk away from this relationship? Is it fear of finding a replacement for him? The worry of having to expose your status to another man who may end up running away from you once he gets to know your medical history? Is it that you are feeling sorry for yourself, blaming your status for the situation you are in and how life would have been different if you were negative? Why have you lost your will power? 

If these are your worries, perish the thoughts because there are very good men out there who wouldn’t worry one bit about your medical history if only you are willing to confide in them and trust them to love you for yourself. The truth about life is that nobody would pull us out of a situation if we were unwilling to help ourselves first. You must be bold, willing to be helped and develop the enabling trust in the person offering to help you to get out of your present predicament.

You must also stop feeling sorry for yourself because out there are millions of people you are better off. Sincerely you have no reason to be unhappy because you are alive and worthy in the sight of God and those who sincerely love you.

Whether you like it or not, you are in this quandary because you have unwittingly placed limitations on yourself. That you are positive doesn’t make you less than a woman or lacking in your God given right to be happy. Gone are the days when HIV was associated with promiscuity or a death sentence. People are better educated on it now and with daily advancement in modern medicine, can managed more effectively just like malaria. 

This man is taking advantage of you because he thinks you are limited in your choices and that he is doing you a favour by being in your life. You don’t have to condone it, because out there is a man waiting for a woman like you. To stay is to debit yourself and cut off your own happiness. 

If in this early stage he is already manifesting so much violence, what would become of the union as the days role by? All the time, God have His ways of protecting us from our own follies. You would only be compounding and compromising your health by staying longer than necessary in this relationship. 

It is very obvious that he neither has true inkling into your kind of person nor do you have an idea into what makes him happy. Circumstances forced you into this relationship; you would be wise not to allow the same circumstances rob you of your sense of value and dignity as a woman. You need a man who is sensitive and romantic in your life, not one who would scoff at the things that give you happiness. Only a man truly in love with you would understand what it takes to make you happy. 

Gently tell him you have had enough of him and that you would need space to think properly on the way forward. Don’t place limitations that God hasn’t placed on you by enduring an unhappy situation. God that created you made adequate provisions for your welfare and happiness. Don’t shortchange yourself by playing God in a matter you have no say in. This is the time you need Him the most, so key into His plans for you concerning matrimony by praying. 

The number of years you spend on earth is determined by the quality of happiness you allow to come into your life. This man isn’t worth giving up your own well-being and happiness for. Always remember there is always a silver lining at the end of each tunnel.

If you are worried at being alone in the early days of you separating from him, think of the long time emotional torture you would be courting if you elect to stay in this obviously unbalanced relationship?

From the tone of your letter, it appears you don’t have too many friends hence your desperation to be married at all cost. Life doesn’t work that way. Whatever may have informed your reason, accept the fact that no man is an island. At one time or the other, we come across situations in our lives when we would need a dependable friend to lean on. 

This is that time to draw strength from a good friend. You need this friend to help you focus on the important things in life. The important lesson here is not to rush into any relationship no matter how desirable it appears. 

You don’t have a problem to make you want to rush into anything. Relax and first get to know the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with by being friends with the next man that shows interest in you.  Find out if you are both on the same wavelength beyond the issue of wanting to get married at all cost. Giving yourselves the opportunity of discussing first as friends would take care of this kind of disappointments you are currently passing through. 

Importantly, don’t embark on something you know you cannot finish. You made a vital mistake by consistently tolerating the things you find irritating from the beginning. While there is nothing bad in you using your money to cook for him, he must also show a willingness to contribute to the union. 

Cherish every moment God gives you to be alive and make the best use of it. 

Good luck. 

Betrothed, uneducated…now carrying my baby

Dear Agatha, 

I read the mail published on August 18 by worried Kenneth and your response. The way you handled the issue is impressive and shows an intelligent understanding of matters pertaining to relationships. 

I have a very similar problem. I fell in love with a girl who went through secondary school but doesn’t know how to read and write. Needless to say, she didn’t pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examinations. 

When she gave birth to my daughter and I promised to marry her. However where we are having problem is on the issue of family.

Unknown to me, before we met, she was at an early age, betrothed by her family to a man of their choice but whom she rejected when she came of age.  Irrespective of her feelings, the family is committed to their promise to the other man. She didn’t tell me any of these things when we met until she became pregnant. When my family got to know, asked me to leave her but due to the love I have for her and that she is pregnant for me coupled with the fact that her parents are now dead, I decided to stay on until she gives birth. 

For over three years we have known each other, I have never regretted knowing her. She understands me very well but my fear is that the man in question is still single. Please help me. 

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

I sincerely don’t understand what kind of help you want because your case is a straightforward one. You have no business with the man. Your woman doesn’t have anything to do with the man too. Her parents who agreed with the man are dead. That the man is still single is his choice, not because there are no other women he can marry. 

Your wife knew nothing about the agreement her parents entered into on her behalf, because at the time they did she was still a minor. It would have been a different case, if she went into the agreement of her own freewill and let him high and dry when she met you. She didn’t do it because of you. She had turned him down long before she met you. The parents and not your wife are the ones who had an arrangement with the man. She cannot be held responsible under the laws of the land for the agreement entered into by her parents. They are the ones who collected things from him, if he gave them anything in the first place. 

But to be doubly sure that there is no outstanding debt her parents owe this man on account of the agreement they entered into on her behalf, let her go with him in company of an elder in her paternal family to refund whatever is outstanding to cut of any spiritual covenant her parents entered into with the man on her behalf. The idea is to cut off whatever spiritual rights the man may be exercising in anger over her.

Beyond this, marriage is a personal thing. The laws of our land don’t give parents the right to marry off their minor daughters to men of their own choice.  Marriage is her right, the choice hers to make because she is the one who would have to live, endure, tolerate and make the sacrifices to make it work. Marriage is a very personal thing. The only way you can lose her is if you become cruel, irresponsible and lacking in respect for her.  The other man’s marital status isn’t your business or that of your woman.  What should be of concern to you is the baby on the way, how you are going to care for your wife and child. 

Much as it is desirable to get your parents on your side, don’t force them. Allow time embedded in the character of your woman do it for you. If they are convinced that she is as good as you say, they will eventually come to see her as a good wife. 

On the issue of her lack of quality education, there is no end to learning age. She can still sit for her O’level through the General Certificate of Examination. All she needs is determination that applies to everything in life. Once there is a will, there will always be a way. If you are not ashamed of her and willing to give her all the support to succeed, she will be able to overcome her limitations. We all need little encouragement in life to go the extra mile. 

However, you both must learn to commit your journey together in life to God who sees and knows all things. Listen constantly to Him, give in to His Will at all times because marriage is a journey of tolerance, patience, loyalty and faith in the God that brought the two of you together. 

Good luck. 

She’s bad tempered, threatens to break relationship

Dear Agatha,
As a regular reader of your column, I have been inspired by your great ability in solving relationship problems. I am currently a 23-year-old undergraduate and have been dating my girlfriend for almost six years. 

One thing I noticed about her is that she is rather a hard-headed girl who neither complies nor compromises whenever we have squabbles. Almost every time she would insist that I am at fault and I would have to be the so-called bad guy to plead for her forgiveness even though I feel pretty much obligated deep down in my heart. We have been trying to solve this issue peacefully and I have been working hard to let her know my feeling, but I get so disappointed at the end of the day because she just wouldn’t comply. What’s more heart-aching is the fact that she likes to use the term “breaking up” almost every time we quarrel even if it is just a small matter.
On top of that, she is short-tempered over little things. Personally I don’t mind the fact that she gets angry at me but the frequency at which she does it is beginning to bother me. She knows her greatest weapon to conquer me is her anger and because of this she is using it to the fullest. It makes me feel so hen-pecked to succumb to this rule of either she’s right or we break up. Seriously, I just can’t accept the latter because she means so much for me. But I don’t want to get hurt almost everyday in this relationship. I am in a serious dilemma, which I can’t share with anybody at all. I do have a family but I don’t have any best friend whom I can share with. There are some reasons I don’t want to share with my family because I don’t want them to see her in a negative light. 

Agatha, could you please advise me how to solve this issue? Thank you so much I really appreciate your time.   
David.

Dear David, 

A relationship is meant to be enjoyed. And one of the ingredients for its fulfillment as well as enjoyment is respect. No matter how deep your feelings for her are, you must make her appreciate her need to respect you always. Love comes with respect for our mates as well as for ourselves.

You may think you can cope with her attitude now but a time would come when you would require more from her. No matter how much you love her, it might not be enough to erase the psychological build-up of the negative effect of her attitude towards you. No matter how elastic our feelings are, when a bad situation persists, we could break completely not minding what the consequences are at the end of the day.

To prevent a situation of irreconcilable differences between the two of you, you need to sit her down to re-map your relationship with each other. As the man in this relationship, you must begin to act your role as the head of this relationship. Allow her to escape with constant threats of leaving you is not a solution rather, you are postponing doom’s day when something in you would rebel and completely reject her attitude. 

Sometime in life, resentment would creep in from your end when family and friends begin to mock your inability to organise your home effectively. We are products and subject to the dictates of our environment. Even when we don’t want to react, something in us propels reaction at an unnatural situation we have endured for years. 

Relationship that draws strength from threats cannot survive too long. Therefore, if you really love her and don’t want her out of your life, you have to help her understand that this attitude of hers would eventually hurt her. 

However, you have to understand something of her background to know where to come in. Chances are if her mother is the strong one in her family, she may not appreciate that she is doing anything wrong. Therefore, she would need more than one discussion to make her change her mind. You have to expose her to the kind of lifestyle that would educate her more than words from you on the need to treat the heart and related affairs with more caution. If this is the case, you will require patient and dedication to make her change from what she is now to what you want her to be.

It is also a sign of insecurity. A woman that is secure in the love and warmth of her man would not need threats to beat him into line. Secured people aren’t brash, manipulative or deploy threats to have things done their way.  If this is the case, you have to help her build the required confidence in herself as well as the relationship.

Do this by helping her appreciate that misunderstanding is part of a relationship. Help her understand that dialogue and not threats is what keeps a relationship together and that when a couple has a disagreement, it isn’t necessarily a bad sign but a positive evidence of growing the relationship. 

She has to see that you are no longer comfortable with the way she is conducting herself. If for six years, you have given her all the freedom and chance to change, the time has come for her to effect a change in her attitude towards you as well as the relationship. In plain terms let her know you are fed up of being constantly under threat of her leaving you. The best way to cure her of this habit is to call her bluff when next she threatens to go. You must understand that if she truly loves you, she won’t use threat on you constantly. You have to make up your mind on what you want from life and this relationship. Don’t for the sake of fear or being broken hearted continue to endure a situation you are not happy with especially as you would have to live with for the rest of your life with the decision you take now.  If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive, if not give God all the glory because He sees and knows what we don’t know.

Good luck.