I’m lonely, want to remarry

Dear Agatha, 

I am in my late 40s. I am divorced with three children. I really crave to remarry because I simply cannot cope with being alone anymore. It got to a stage I started dating a man younger than I am, who incidentally is married, to fulfil my emotional yearnings as a woman. 

The night times are the worst. I have been divorced for five years yet find it difficult to live without the presence of a man in my life. For the sake of my children, I don’t want to sleep around hence my desire to remarry. I don’t want to break this other woman’s house hence my agreeing to marry this man who is also a divorcee. He is in his late 50s and has been divorced for almost a decade now. We were happy together until we brought our plans to marry to the attention of the leadership of the church. 

First it was the elders of the church who protested our desire to marry. Then the pastors who said it is against the standards of God. Even though some pastors feel we are old enough to be given the freedom to do as we please, the majority think we are going against the laws of God.

There is nothing we haven’t done to persuade the leadership of the church to allow us be but they are insisting we cannot marry because we still belong to others. The fact that our ex-spouses are married to other people and are having children appear not to hold any water with them.

I have been threatened to be relieved of my duties in church if I don’t drop the idea of remarrying. I know of some of these elders who claim to be married but are engaged in affairs.

I don’t want to pretend to be who I am not. I want to be happy and very honest about the kind of life I live. Already we live as man and wife. Our children are together and sincerely I find so much peace, the kind I never had with any man.

We have the support of our families, who have met and agreed on a date at the end of this month. But I don’t want to pretend at all hence my desire to have the marriage blessed in the church. Our children think we should change church if they don’t want us to be happy.

Agatha, please help me. Do we get married and forget about doing anything in the church or continue to function as an item while waiting for the church to make up its mind?

I am currently frustrated as I don’t know how to move forward. Even though my man has made up his mind to move ahead with our arrangements as well as call the bluff of the church, I am still hoping for an amiable settlement. I didn’t enjoy my first marriage, which was symbolized by violence, wickedness, as well as unhealthy intrigues between my in-laws, husband and I. 

What do you think?

Ibiyemi.

Dear Ibiyemi,

 

You are the one who knows what you are going through and acutely aware of your limitations as a human being. No matter what others say or do, you and your man have the final say on how you want your life to be shaped. It is a good thing you want to be honest about your own life. These people asking you to stay single don’t know how lonely you can get or how unfulfilled you are when they are with their spouses and you have to go home alone or the guilt of sleeping with another woman’s man. You are the only one who understands all the cocktails of emotional feelings you daily go through living your life without a vital part of you. 

Anybody who has been through the challenges of marriage knows how difficult and complicated the journey can be. Most times the packaging is the only attraction. To the pains and disappointment of many, the contents of that beautifully wrapped package is so ugly and unmanageable that they end up with regrets from the wee hours of the marriage.

At your age, you are more than old enough to determine what works for you. Granted, the Bible frowns at divorce, but the same Bible makes us understand that one is free if he or she married as an unbeliever. Besides, the Bible is full of wisdom. Nobody has the knowledge of God like God Himself. He sees and knows so many things we don’t know. His ways, He says, are not ours. From experience of life, the things we condemn the most end up being the wisest thing to do. If your various partners have gone ahead to seek happiness in the arms of other people, rather than soil your name and hands in immorality, please go ahead and do what is right. You are an adult used to having sex on demand; understandably, it won’t be easy for you especially if you never could get enough of it. Don’t allow anyone make you feel guilty or worthless spiritually simply because you refuse to play the ostrich like the others. It is your life and you have a right to be happy.

There are marriages that can be endured; there are some that cannot be endured. Only the living marry. You have to be alive, hale and hearty to give joy. When a marriage is laced with violence and wickedness anything can happen, including death. So many persons, especially women who could have been alive today but were told to endure very bad situations in their marriages, died in the process of doing the right thing in the eyes of the world.

Best to ignore what others are doing or saying and do whatever it is that makes you happy provided it keeps you morally upright. It is best to be married to your own man than to sleep around with other women’s husbands. If caught, the same people who are today insisting you shouldn’t marry would be the first to condemn your actions and would by then ask you why you didn’t consider remarrying. 

At your ages, you don’t owe anybody except God an apology for your decisions. God doesn’t want any of His children living in pains or immorality and that is why he made us in pairs. He knows the chemical contents in our bodies and that from time to time, we have to diffuse the potency of the chemical. 

Trust me, you are better than those others who claim to be married, sleep around and still sit in judgment over the affairs of others.

Rather than waste precious time pondering on what you have obviously made up your mind to do, concentrate on knowing more about this man. Do you see him giving the happiness you lacked in your previous union? The worst kind of thing that can happen to anyone is to walk into a second marriage of mistakes and regrets. Make sure this man respects you and is responsible enough to allow your children be. At this stage in your life, your companion must be your best friend, supporter and cheerleader. Ensure you and this man have the right ingredients to walk together for the rest of your life. The middle age crisis can be as messy as the early stage without you two sitting down to first discuss the mistake you each made in your first attempts, allowing the resentment of yesteryears fade away completely. Setting an agenda for your marriage and families, discussing the ground rules for your sets of children and resolving to make the sacrifices that must be made to protect this marriage, are things you must do to make your attempts worthwhile.

Importantly, don’t ever leave the presence of God whatever hassles you are going through. Submit each day to God through prayers. It is the only way to win a battle without regrets.

Good luck.

Re: Hints on successful relationship please

Dear Agatha
If there’s a Hall of Fame for world’s best relationship counsellor you could qualify for a permanent membership!
Would you believe me if I said this is first time I am moved by a piece written by a woman and was ‘tempted’ to reply back!
I would not be surprised if your inbox runs out of space for folks trying to reply your recent piece. I mean the one you offered the lady a set of ‘rules’ that can ensure her a place in her matrimonial home.
Now let’s talk about a fact that I know. 

Many women here in the United States would hoped their hubby never saw or read that article!
Going by my own experience and encounters, I think most of the women would see you as a bad ambassador to all of them -for making them look like a bunch of fruitcakes. 

Most ladies I know would rather end their marriage than meet their husband half-way in any issue.
Here in America, women rule! No wonder the divorce rate is over 80 percent for the black folks, and more than 10 percent of the remainder will never marry because they think to be humble or ‘submissive’ is tantamount to lowering their standard or selling themselves out... and the laws of the land here is on their side!
If I had the opportunity to read this kind of advice or suggestion ten years ago, I would not be in the market for a new wife, as I am today. 

I don’t know which of your advice to pin-point at, but the one in which you wrote that, women should know the limitation of themselves and that of their hubbies, hits a home run with me.
This is it. 

Men like me or can I say men who think like me do not really need much from our women.  Just the basics:  Let my food be ready when I get home, clean the house, take good care of the kids, and appreciate me!  

That’s all! If a woman can do those things for me, I get her back!  I would have no reason not to love her, and protect her, and make her happy, very happy.
But how many of these marriages minded ‘women’ can do just one of the chores above? Very few!

Recently, this issue came up, during a programme, on my local radio station, and the lady who called in was asked if she would cook dinner for her husband whenever he tells her to?  Her response was typical: “if I make as much or sometime more money as he makes, I see no reason why I should have to cook his dinner!”  No wonder many men these days have several eyes outside- because the women in their lives have outsourced their roles to the mistress outside.
I have clipped your piece and saved it on my hard drive, and if I am fortunate to find another woman to marry, I will let her read it. 

Perhaps the matrimonial bliss which I think is eluding me is now within my reach.
Thank for such a nice piece.
Omolaso.

I walked off… he caused our fruitless marriage

Dear Agatha, 

Many thanks for your sincere and unbiased way of advice to the public. I am a great fan of yours and would like to use this medium to seek your sincere advice.

I have been with my partner for seven years. We have had our ups and downs, sometimes necessitating us breaking up but we have survived it all up to this point. 

In all these years, I have never been pregnant. Expectedly, I have consulted so many fertility experts, gone through several tests and confirmed by all these doctors as medically fit to procreate. 

After each test I would be told to ask my husband do a semen test. On each occasion he has refused to do it, saying it is God that gives children, and that we should be prayerful since it is the enemy at work. At a point I had to plead with his friends to help me persuade him to go and see a doctor. He bluntly refused. In 2008, left with no choice, I went to report him to his uncle who agreed to have a talk with him. He eventually agreed to see a doctor. He was told he has a very low sperm count, the kind that cannot be rectified medically and that the only way we can be parents is to go for artificial insemination.

The doctor after his examination and verdict asked him if he didn’t know about his condition since we are based in Europe. Although he declined knowledge of his medical condition but the whole incident brought something up in my memory. I remember he was always saying each time I pressure him on the need to consult a medical doctor on the issue of our infertility he would say, doctors are in the habit of finding faults whenever he goes for complete medical tests. I became convinced that he knew all along that he was the one with the problem. 

He didn’t display any emotions of surprise or discomfort, instead when we got home, he made himself a delicious meal, eat it all while I was down worry about the piece of news we have just been offered by the doctor. 

I was worried with how we were going to save up the money for the option we have, but he didn’t seem to care at all.   

Despite this and other issues, I still decided to stay with him and by June last year, he paid my bride price.  Agatha, deep down in me, I’m a sad woman. Mostly he seeks advice from his friends and family members because, in his opinion, I don’t like him by refusing to tell him things he wants to hear. We have lost large sums of money due to his negligence. Mostly his family members are taking advantage of this to siphon money from him. Mostly, they tell him to send them money for one spiritual consultations or the other. They are forever telling him about different messages from various pastors.  

Sincerely, I am getting fed up of everything. I am in my mid 30s and don’t know what the future holds for us as a couple.  

In February this year we had a minor disagreement and he almost strangulate me. So I walked out of the marriage. He told his families and friends loads of lies about me but later started pleading when he knew I wasn’t going to bug.  

I kept our breakup from my family members because I consider it something of a shame. Besides I didn’t want people blaming me for my decision. Recently, I had to confide in my mother pleading with me to go back to my husband that marriage is for better and worse. Having given him so many chances in the past with the hope that he will change what he was I suppose to do? Agatha, was I wrong to have walk out of the marriage? Was it my fault? I can’t stop blaming myself. Please help me,

PP.

Dear PP, 

More often than not it is easier to blame others for our own faults and shortcoming. No matter the situation between the two of you now, you made the choice to marry him last year. 

This is not the typical situation where you would claim ignorance of his attitude and person. You lived with him for about six years before he paid your bride price last year. Therefore you went into this marriage with your eyes wide opened. From the moment you agreed to have him pay your bride price in June last year, you unwittingly entered into an agreement with yourself and God to abide with his manner of person.

It would have been a different case entirely if you didn’t know anything about him; wasn’t aware of his medical problem, habit of consulting his family and friends on matters that should ideally remain between the two of you. You knew all about this and still decided to marry him. Violence doesn’t manifest in a day. There is no way you can say this is his first time of violating you physically. It must be one of the things you know about him. If you didn’t protest then why now? Has it got anything to do with your knowledge of his medical problem or the fact that he knew all along and hide the fact from you?

Honestly, I feel for you but there are a lot of issues tied to this situation you must critically examine before taking a final decision. 

The first is the complexity of marriage. As boyfriend and girlfriend, he could tolerate certain things from you, even endure some of your verbal attacks but as your husband, he now expects something more than that from you. He may not be willing to let go of his excesses but as his woman, he expects you to show him more respect. He may live abroad but his roots are firmly entrenched in the customs and traditions of his people. So be careful and mindful what you say to him or how you react. 

If you really want this marriage to succeed, you just must learn to be the woman while he the man. It isn’t about what you have done for him but what you both have done for each other. This is the marriage creed. 

This is the time for you to be very, very honest with yourself. Since knowing about his medical problem, how have you felt? Betrayed? Disappointed? Angry? Frustrated? Helpless? Don’t be ashamed to express your feelings because all these are natural. Except you are out to deceive yourself, you have gone through all these emotions and back. You probably have lost every respect for him as a man considering the emotional pains he subjected you to going through all those dehumanising medical examinations when he knew the truth all the while. 

You are only human if you behave rudely to him, less sensitive to his needs and lacking in respect for him. What you are going through is enough to make one behave out of character especially a woman whose biological clock is daily grinding to a halt. Out of these pains, you could have said one or two things to him to make him feel useless as a man; those things we women say when we are angry can make a man with his condition angry enough to want to kill the woman. Are you sure you didn’t out of the bitterness and seemingly helplessness of your situation say something to remind him of his inability to father a child the normal way? 

I am not saying it was right of him to get violent, but if you pause, rewind to that incident, can you honestly say you were not the harbinger of what happened that day? Bear in mind that this is also a very difficult time for him. In your presence, he doesn’t feel like a man anymore. He is battling with inner challenges and fear too that you now have a very good reason to leave him should you want to. Though extremely wrong, like a drowning man, he feels it is the only way to assert his authority as the head of the home. 

The panacea to dealing with this kind of problem in a marriage is first to allow the anger and frustration a free reign to flow. Don’t bottle up what you feel at all. Cry, shout, and allow all your feelings to come in the open. There is no stopping a raging storm from happening. Before you can see clearly, discuss your options with him, allow yourself to divest all those pent-up emotions to avoid you snapping at the slightest thing. Going home and refusing to discuss the results of the tests as well as your observations that he knew all these while isn’t a panacea. Both of you need to talk about all your fears immediately. Your current disagreement is the right opportunity to come out clean with all your anger and emotions. Let them come out. From your mail, it is obvious your disappointment in this man didn’t start today. Go back to the beginning. Don’t use cosmetic approach to solve this problem rather, be very realistic because what you fail to deal with now will never allow both of you have the desired happiness in this marriage. There is too much resentment for this man in your heart. It is only after you have done this, that you both can collectively discuss the future of the marriage as well as the options available to you. 

In all these, don’t ever forget the place of God, hence the need for you both to pray as a couple for divine answers.

Have you also tried investigating his claims that his problem is spiritual? Only a closer relationship with God can reveal the mystery of this. As the woman, it behooves you to stand in gap by asking God to lead you to where help is. 

If at the end of the day, it is purely medical, broaden your perspective by also considering adoption. Children, either biological or adopted are what we plant into them.

As for the issue of whether to go back to him or not, it is your choice but think of all the years of you have been together, the sacrifices as well as the first time you met. There is no perfect person but perfect will to succeed. Make up your mind what is important to you in your life and allow God’s will to prevail.

Good luck. 

Tired but leaving without harming her passion

Dear Agatha,

I write to appreciate you and express my gratitude for the help you have rendered me over the years through your column.

I am a graduate of Geology. While in school, I had a girlfriend I dated from my first year till I graduated. I actually loved this girl but if you can still recall my mail to you, I told you about this lady I am dating five years older than I.  Till date, she still doesn’t know that I have discovered her real age. The fact now is that I no longer love her, but don’t know how to tell her. The reason being that she loves me so much. I am afraid she may do something sinister to herself if she knows I have fallen out of love with her. 

Early this year, I tried to tell her how I now feel about her but she almost killed herself. I was forced to change my mind when her family members came to plead with me to come back to her.  

I was shocked when I saw her because she lost weight considerably. I am back with her, though on a compassionate ground. I don’t love her. The question now is how do I tell her it’s actually all over, because since she has refused to take the hints in my behaviour towards her.

Confused Guy.

Dear Confused Guy,

In her shoes, how would you feel if a woman you dated for almost five years turns around to dump you without any obvious reason? You had always known she is older than you but gave her hope that you would be with her for the rest of her life. Sincerely, it won’t be easy for her to cope because the two of you have always been together right from your first year to the end of your time in the school. 

Irrespective of the reason you are giving for wanting to end the relationship, your history won’t be complete without a mention of her name. For this reason, learn to be truthful with her. You would be doing her more harm by staying with her when you know deep down there is no future between the two of you. 

She must learn to live without you. No viable relationship can be nurtured when all you feel for her is compassion. You must love her to be able to tolerate her, appreciate her uniqueness as well as make the necessary sacrifices for her. If you continue to delay in telling her, you are making amicable resolution impossible and damaging her for any other man. Don’t forget that being five years older than you, she doesn’t have the liberty of time like you. Having graduated from school, her mind is more focused on the future, which means getting married. Being the only man in her life all these years, it is only natural for her to plan around you. Don’t allow the mistake you have made all this while to persist any longer. You have left the decision too long. Even though she lied to you about her age, you should have told her about your findings, confronted her with what you found out about her age. Had you done that, you would have been justified in walking away from her at that point.

But having waited this long to tell her, you have to apply good wisdom to avert emotional crisis in your hands. Frankly the focus has changed from whether she was right in not telling you the truth concerning her age at the beginning to the merit of you walking out on her at the point she seems to need you the most.

At this point, don’t go to her directly. Go to members of her family instead. Tell them the whole story of your meeting; the plans you had when you both started and how those feelings have changed dramatically through the years. Be honest enough to tell them why you are no longer comfortable with the relationship. It is pertinent to make them understand that prevailing on you to stay on with her is not a solution because you would eventually walk away from it all since your mind is made up.  There is no way they can force you to stay on because at the end of day, it would affect the quality of life their daughter would have with you. They came to you because they fear for her happiness, but when the choice is between helping her cope with the present situation and living a lifetime of unhappiness, I am sure, they would prefer her to have a lifetime of happiness than saving her from her current situation. 

The lesson in all these is for you to be firm in your judgement at all times. If you were very honest with yourself and this woman, this situation would have been prevented. Don’t begin something you cannot finish else you end up with more complex situations as a result. When you found out about her real age, you should have addressed the issue then and not procrastinated till the last moment.

Good luck.

I’m in a fix, my Philippine lover pregnant

Dear Agatha,  

This issue has been disturbing me and making me weary of the future. I’m a Nigerian living in China, I met a Philippine lady who also resides in China through the Internet and we were always charting till one day she decided to visit me in the city I stay. We were happy to see for the first time and ended up making love.

Two days after, she went back to her city, a month later she informed me she was pregnant by me. I asked if she was sure the pregnancy was mine. She picked offence at my question. Thereafter, she refused to discuss the matter again even though we were always communicating.

Six months after, she told me she would be travelling to her country. With pains and tears, I asked her why, she told me that there was a secret she had been keeping away from me. However, she opened up to me that she was six months pregnant.

Seriously I was shocked and didn’t know what to do. I am not financially capable of discharging my responsibility as a father to a child in a foreign land. Besides, she is also a foreigner. I don’t know what to do.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

What is the confusion about? The issues you are raising now should have been put into consideration by you before having unprotected sex with her. When a man sleeps with a woman without protection or ensuring she is protected, he should expect to be a father anytime whether he is ready or not for the responsibilities that go with fatherhood. 

At the time you slept with her, didn’t you know she was a foreigner? Didn’t that factor in your consideration of her as your girlfriend? You saw in her a woman you liked and valued hence your willingness to have her in your life. If her nationality mattered to you at that point, you would have insisted on some form of protection before being intimate with her. 

What you should do is a simple matter of going to her side of the city to personally and discuss the matter with her. First, you must apologise to her for asking who the father of the unborn child is when she first told you about the pregnancy five months earlier. 

Responsibility isn’t just about having the money to execute your role as the father of the child, but acknowledging as well as accepting your own contributions to the situation. A woman doesn’t get pregnant by herself, but with the help of a man.  

Frankly, you didn’t act like a responsible man. No matter what you thought at that time, you erred by not insisting you both discussed the issue again. When a woman tells a man she is pregnant and refuses to discuss the matter again, the man should ask questions. Because you were running away from accepting responsibilities, you deliberately didn’t encourage her to talk about it. 

Rather than bemoan the fact that you aren’t ready for the challenges of being a father, why not begin to think of how you can make it easier on both of you by discussing your fears, limitations as well as plans for the future with her. From all indices, this woman isn’t expecting anything from you. Having kept the pregnancy for six months without telling you about it despite the fact that you communicate everyday, shows she is more than ready and able to function as the father and mother in the life of the child; an indication she isn’t expecting anything from your end.

If you allow this happen, you not only deny yourself the opportunity of being involved in the life of your child but might lose any right to claim the baby as yours either now or in the future.

Seeing her would enable you both come to a conclusion on the baby’s welfare. The secret about fatherhood is that no man ever has enough to kick-start a family, but when he begins with the little he has, God always steps in to provide the rest. All you have to do is to offer her what you have. What matters to women most time isn’t just the money but the presence of the man who has put them in the family way. 

During pregnancy, the woman is most vulnerable; feels bloated and unattractive even though she may actually be prettier than before. It is a psychological feeling which only the husband or the man who puts her in the condition can dispel. Whatever your situation is financially or otherwise, it behooves you to contribute in anyway to the welfare and progress of the pregnancy as well as the baby when it arrives. 

This is also not the right time to discuss the issue of her nationality with her. Don’t forget that you both found pleasure in each other’s company and that when it comes to love, what matters is the amount of happiness you are both getting from each other’s company. Besides, your current environment would certainly dictate the kinds of women you fall in love with.  Life is about making do with the choice we are presented with. For now, she is the choice of mother to your child. This is a fact you must accept and do everything you have to do to make it work. You not only owe it to the child but to yourself as a man. This is your first fruit, that child that tells the world that you are man in enough to father a child. 

Even if you have doubts about the paternity of the baby the responsible thing is to first accept it and do a DNA after birth if still convinced the child isn’t yours.

Good luck. 

I’m torn between my mum, pregnant love

Dear Agatha,

First, I have to thank you for the ways you have been helping people solve their emotional problems. 

I am a man of 30, the last of my mother’s six children. Being her last I was closest to her and her favourite. Back then I promised my mother I’d do anything to make her happy. Once she made me promise to marry a woman from our village, saying it would be the only thing that would keep her happy. 

I made her the promise. It was at the point I was travelling out of the village. I was 20 then. 

I later travelled out of the country to where I currently reside now. To keep the promise I made to my mother, I have been trying since then not to be in a serious relationship with any woman in this country. This is until I met this lady who is my age mate and the kind of woman I have always prayed to have in my life. One thing led to the other and now she is four months pregnant for me. 

Her family is fighting her for getting involved with a foreigner while I don’t want to betray the promise I made to my mother. On the other hand, I don’t want to betray the love of this lady who has sacrificed a lot for me. 

I am so confused. 

Nwa Chukwu.

Dear Nwa Chukwu, 

At 30, you are in the best of position to know what works for you. Besides, we are all subject to the intrigues and control of the environment we live in. while promises are meant to be kept, there are times God’s ways and desires overshadow what we think is best for us. 

And when it comes to the issue of relationships and marriages, only God has the right answers to the choices before us. More often than not, the person we think is wrong for us turns out to be the best. This is because God’s ways are never ours. Being our creator He has answers our earthly parents don’t have about us. 

I am sure your mother’s desire is to see you happy and live long to enjoy the fruits of your labour. 

The worst thing that can happen to any adult man or woman is to go into marriage with the wrong partner. Apart from torpedoing the dreams of many people, some have been known to die as a result of marrying the wrong person. 

God is forever in the business of re-arranging the things we think we want to suit His own order for us. 

You are one of the lucky men to have a woman who is ready to do anything to make her man happy. Most women these days are on the look out for what they can get from a man and not what they can give him. Your mother made you promise to marry someone from your village because it is what she is familiar with. In making you make that promise, she considered the familiarity of your culture, language and restrictions. Because the choice she made with your father worked, she can be forgiven to think that marrying a girl from your village would give you the same measure of happiness. But you and I know that just as she has a success story to tell, there are people too in your village who though married to locals are either divorced or living in constant regrets of the decision to marry the person they married.

Marriage is often not about where one is from but what one wants from life and the marriage. At this point, what do you both want from being with each other and from life generally? This is what should count now and not the fact that you are caught between the promise you made to your mother and your love for this girl.

At any rate, the issue has moved away from what your mother wants to the fact that she is four months pregnant with your child and your mother’s grandchild. Being her favourite child, she would be happy to see your grandchild, know that you are man enough to get a woman pregnant. 

I am sure she wouldn’t want you to throw away the first confirmation of your manhood. At any rate, a lot would depend on how you are able to package your girlfriend before your mother. Just like your mother is most likely to react, her family is already up in arms against her for the same reasons your mother made you promise to marry someone close to you. 

In both cases, fear is the underlining reason for the opposition. 

Thank goodness you are both old enough to make your decisions. At this point, there is the need for you to brave the storm and go with some of your friends to see her family to explain your mission to them. Let them know that despite coming from different cultures, you know what is expected of you as a man. By letting them know that not only do you plan to marry her, your love for her is genuine and that you plan to inform your people too of your desire to take her for a wife.

Whatever their reservations are, at least let them know you are responsible.

As for your mother, this kind of news is best delivered in person. So if you can afford it, come down to the country to personally inform your mother.  Being your mother, you know how best to break the news to her as well as soften her up sufficiently to listen first and debate it later. 

Do not break the news to her in person only if it is impossible for you to travel out of your host country immediately. Let your mother know that apart from the difference in culture, she has all the qualities she would wish in the woman who becomes your wife. The news about the pending baby should be thrown in when she becomes too stubborn to listen. 

However, ultimately, the choice is yours to make. You are the one who is going live with your eventual choice so be bold enough to take a firm stand on the matter putting into consideration that marriage is a complex venture which requires wisdom and understanding to go into. Nobody feels the discomfort of a shoe like the one putting it on. 

Just as you have obligations to your mother so do you have to this girl and the baby she is carrying. On a scale of 1-10, they come before your mother because they are your family, your eternity. I agree this is hard to accept but it is the naked reality. You can’t marry your mother, the things you can do with this girl, you can’t do with your mother despite being the one who gave birth to you. Your mother is married to the person of her choice and so should you. Irrespective of what civilisation brews, the family unit is still as relevant to the well-being of the child as it was in the dark ages. 

You have an obligation to this woman and child she is carrying. She needs you now more than ever before. This is the time she needs evidence of your love, especially as she is suffering rejection from her family. It isn’t what a man says to a woman before taking her to bed that matters, it is what he says and does after the deed is done that underscores a man’s true feelings for that woman. 

When issues get this complicated, develop the habit of going to God in prayers for His presence and direction in your life. He remains the source of your completeness and happiness as a human being as well as master of your own game in life. For a man who wants to succeed in marriage, never allow this slip through your fingers.

Good luck.  

Her abroad lover only posts passion without any gift…

Dear Agatha, 

I am a regular reader of your column and must commend your good work here. Do keep it going. I am actually writing on behalf of my friend who needs advice. But first I need to know this: must a guy be presenting a girl with gifts before he can be said to truly love the girl? Also, do you think that two people having a distant relationship may end up getting together in life some day? 

Well, my friend has this guy abroad whom she has not met before but has only seen through a picture. They have been talking on phone for over a year now. The guy says he loves her and she also feels she loves him too; obviously she misses him terribly and thinks of him all the time.  But what she doesn’t understand is why the guy has not bothered sending her anything at all since they started this distant date of theirs. She, however, says that the guy tells her he doesn’t have a well-paying job over there, is trying to survive and see a way to come back to the country so they would get married. But personally I feel that irrespective of how hard things are for a guy, he can just try to present the girlfriend with some gifts to show he cares really. 

Honestly, I do not know what advice to give to my friend as she visualises having a future together with this guy yet she complains that the guy has not sent her anything. On certain occasions, she pretended to the guy that she had no money and the guy told her that she should rather stop working so he would know that he is working for two of them now and would then start sending her money. Agatha, please how can you interpret this? Fine, the guy might be stingy but does that depict love in any sense?  And he goes on all day telling my friend that he loves her dearly and can’t wait to get back to be with her. 

My friend says the guy tells her that since they started talking, about 13 months now he has not met any other woman sexually because he loves and respects her. And he also asked God to give him the grace not to mess with any other woman whenever he finds one he wants to marry. Please, could you say that the guy is being honest here as a man?  Please, help me advise my friend as I want her to move on with her life rather than wait for this guy whom she feels she obviously loves. And she is worried as to whether the guy would be able to take care of her needs irrespective of the fact that she is able to take care of herself financially. 

Concerned Friend. 

Dear Concerned Friend, 

Three is always a crowd in any relationship. No matter how noble your intentions are continued interference in this relationship isn’t healthy at all. If care weren’t taken you would be ruining this relationship between your friend and this man. 

Step aside and allow both of them to make their mistakes. Also you must avoid a situation where you and your friend would quarrel over this matter. Yes, you have every right to be concerned but there are limits. Your friend is in love and from experience; it is the wrong time to try to convince anyone to be careful. Don’t discourage them. Allow them be. 

The danger of you insisting she leaves him may boomerang on your friendship. Overtime, she could begin to wonder and rightly too what your interest really is. You have told her your fears; allow her make her mistakes because it is through those mistakes she can learn to cope with life’s challenges. Your role as a friend is to be there for her always, not discouraging her from feeling love because irrespective of what you think, love happens in unexpected places and situations.

If both of them are able to manage the relationship and build the confidence to make it work it could. 

Doubtless distant relationship has its drawbacks but a lot depend on the couple involved. First they must have an understanding of each other as well as the risk of living apart especially for the man. Problems come when the couple lives on idealism, pretending that nothing can go wrong. The truth is couples that live apart face a lot of temptations in their relationships. Although those that live together too face the same challenges but the risk of extra marital affair is higher in distant relationships because there are days when the body chemical is too strong to resist. This is where commitment and sense of responsibility to one’s spouse comes in. This is also the point where trust plays a vital role. 

Both of them need to talk openly about this vital issue and she must have the trust to believe what he says. If he says he hasn’t slept with a woman since meeting her, until confronted with evidences, it is in her interest to trust him and give him all the encouragement he needs to be on the right track. When a woman refuses to have confidence in the words, she creates crisis for herself; sometimes as serious as the man forsaking whatever good intentions he has to make the woman happy. Until your friend is confronted with evidences of this man’s irresponsibility, it would be wrong to say he is telling lie. She has to learn to trust him on little things first. To distrust him is to call to questions the sanity of her feelings. 

At any rate, she knew this man lives abroad, must have put into consideration this salient fact before agreeing to a relationship with him. No matter how smart the man is, if she is able to get him whenever she calls, picks her calls no matter the time, she must learn to trust him a little bit. She can only worry when he is unable to pick her calls at a particular time, gives excuses for not picking her calls at odd hours, insists he does all the calling that she can suspect him of any thing. 

As for being stingy, it is a simple matter of what is important to your friend. In the first place, what is her motive for going into the relationship? If she is comfortable financially why is she lying about needing funds for something when she really doesn’t need it? Is her choice of this man based on the fact that he lives abroad? Before you can accuse this man of being miserly, there must be enough proof that he indeed has the money and is not ready to give her. 

Chances are that she may actually be better off financially than this man. The fact that he lives abroad doesn’t mean he automatically controls the vault of that nation. Relationship is also about understanding where the other person is coming from. That a man lavishes gift on his woman doesn’t mean he is in love with her. It could just be infatuation, lust or other emotion that isn’t love.  He could also be refusing to send money to find out if she indeed is in love with him or only interested in his money. Like it is difficult for you to trust him, he could also be suspicious of what your friend feels for him. 

Your friend has to decide what is important to her, his money or his trust and friendship? They are not talking about relationship here; they are thinking of a lifetime journey together. Hence the need for her to be careful about the values she plays up. If he is a struggling young man, honest enough to say he doesn’t have excess cash to throw around, she has to make up her mind whether this is good enough for her or not. If money is her motivation for this relationship, she shouldn’t pretend about it. From all indices, this man may not be her man but if her intention is to marry him out of love, she must learn from this early stage to make the required sacrifices to solidify the foundation they are both planning to put up. 

It is also imperative you step aside for this couple to fuse, make their mistakes and learn from these mistakes.

Good luck.

Linked on phone… stopped picking calls after my first visit

Dear Agatha,

I am a young girl of 23 years and a student of one of the Polytechnics in the East. There is this guy I met few months ago. I got his number from your column in the September 12 edition. He talked about being a virgin.  I became interested in him because I didn’t know a guy could be a virgin at the age of 25 and also a graduate. So I sent him an SMS and from there we started communicating. I love this guy so much that I call him almost everyday despite the fact that we were yet to meet physically. My love for him grew the more when I realised he resides in the East very close to where I live. We agreed on the need to meet and how. I promised to be the one to visit, he accepted. 

After the visit which I thought went successfully well, he hasn’t called me again.  Even when I call to know what the problem is, he won’t pick my calls. Even when I used another number to call him, he told me there is no problem that he is just busy. I know he is always busy, but not to the extent of not picking my calls. Did I make a mistake being the one to visit him first or are my calls disturbing him? Or does his attitude show that what he saw that day was not the kind of person he was expecting. Please help me, because I love this guy and do not want to lose him.

Shevchenko.

Dear Shevchenko,

You have gotten to that stage where you cannot afford to push harder than you have done already. You have shown your interest and willingness to begin something with him. Until he makes up his mind about you and what he wants, there is little or nothing you can do. 

Until then, manage your hurt and desires to be with him to prevent you from being hurt than you already are. To continue to push yourself into something he is apparently yet to make up his mind on is to set yourself up for a major disappointment as the days go by. 

Besides, you must allow him to get used to you, sort out his feelings for you as well make up his mind about what he wants from you. While you appear to be ahead of him in terms of your feelings towards him, he still wondering if he is doing the right thing. He could be confused about what to do especially if he hasn’t been intimate with a woman since he was born. Your coming though successful to you, may cause him some fright and cause him to think about his inexperience. Sincerely, for someone who dreadful of this lack of experience; you need to cool down a little bit in order not to suffocate him with attention or love. For now, he needs you more as a friend than anything you may have in mind. 

Friendship would help both of you define your relationship as well as give it the right foundation to stand firm. It will also enable him lose some of his inhibitions as well as relax where you are. He has to first learn to trust you and your motive in all these.

So allow him be, and be contented with playing the supportive role of a friend when he shows signs of wanting to talk to you. For now, it is his game not yours so allow him to dictate the tempo. You have given him all the encouragement for him to know you care. 

Good luck.

As we set for altar her old man emerges…

Dear Agatha, 

I am an ardent reader of your column and I want to say thank you for the good work you are doing. God will bless and give you more wisdom to take care of your own problems too. 

I need your candid thought and advise on this issue I want to share with you.

I met this lady for the first time in my church. She actually came for counselling.  We got acquainted and since then we have kept in touch on telephone. 

She was always telling me how her mother desired her to get married. I was happy myself because I also wanted to get married. Subsequently, I didn’t waste time to propose to her. She was happy and we actually talked about the day we’d travel.

However, she later called me to inform me that her boyfriend whom she had lost contact with was around. She deleted her mother’s number from my phone, carried her picture from my house and she avoided taking my calls. We had a heated argument in her salon where she denied me. 

She later called me when she got to say if she didn’t love me she wouldn’t have taken me to see her mother and friends. 

But she is still not picking my calls and says she is testing me to know my level of commitment to her as well as temperament.

Please I need your help here. What do you think I should do? I love this lady with all my heart.

Lover Boy.

Dear Lover Boy, 

Step aside and allow her to make up her mind on what she wants from life. Obviously, she hasn’t made up her mind whether to quit the former relationship or not. 

If you pressure her to do it your way, you will end up regretting it because there is the danger that she might want to go back to her former boyfriend. By then you would have gotten used to having her in your life multiplying the gravity of your heartache as well as disappointments, unless she comes of her own volition, she will constantly compare you to the other man as well as wonder what life would have been had she decided on the other man. 

Deleting her mother’s number and denying knowing you in public are enough indications that she hasn’t really made up her mind about you. You may want her but until she wants you sufficiently enough to declare you in public, no amount of pressures from you would make her have a convincing change of mind about you. 

The bit about testing you to know what your temperament is like or your level of commitment to her isn’t true. These are simply excuses to mask what her true feelings for you and the other man are. Because you are constantly around her, she may not fully appreciate the qualities you have. 

Marriage is a complex journey that requires absolute trust, confidence, and plenty of sacrifices to make it work. For all these to function well, the couple involved must first experience and develop the confidence in each other to make them work as a team. In a situation where either of the parties is having doubts about the quality of feelings involved in the partnership, moving that relationship forward would definitely become a huge problem. 

You know deep down that you love her sufficiently enough to overlook her shortcomings, but does she love you enough to forgive you same offence? Has she the kind of feelings for you that would make her make sacrifices for you, the relationship and the family when you both get to that crossroad in life?

Sincerely, unless she has enough respect and love for you that come from the depth of a woman’s heart, you may not have the kind of life you envisage with her. If something isn’t wrong with her feelings for you, there is no need for her to avoid taking your calls.

For the sake of posterity however, just don’t walk away. Go to her and tell her what your conclusions are on the matter. This is to avoid her blaming you for anything. 

If she were meant to be yours, things would work out, but if not God would bring someone else to make you happy. Always remember that when things don’t work according to our plans in life, God is preparing a banquet. Yes, you are hurting but it is best you hurt today than tomorrow when you may not have the emotional stamina and time to make a quick recovery. Hearts are meant to be broken and also to be mended when the right time comes.

Good luck. 

Before she’s off with another man too…

Dear Agatha,

I have a problem bothering me. I have been in and out of relationships with girls who at first profess to love me as much as I love them. But strangely all these girls end up leaving me to marry other men. They all end up inviting me to come for their wedding ceremony. Each time this happens, it is like celebrating my own failures as a man.  

I am currently in my final year at the university. Recently, I lost another close friend to another man through marriage. For real, if I have the right financial standing, I would have made the proposal before this other guy did.  

Considering my age factor and other things, I have never regretted my decisions. Currently there are two girls in my life I really care about especially as they appreciate me for who I am. 

One is in her final year. Though engaged, we talk and flow well, share quiet moments and feel what the other feels. Considering the fact that she is engaged, I am willing to let her go.

The other one is currently serving the nation. I have known her for a long time. In fact she meets my requirements in a woman. I would give her 90 percent. Considering finance, the compulsory one year service to the nation, settling down as a man, time constraints on the girl and fear of losing a girl I love to another man, I don’t know what to do. Do I propose to this girl or let her be? I am confused.

Confused Man. 

Dear Confused Man, 

There is always time and season for everything. In your final year at the university, your preoccupation now should be making good grades and insuring your future. If you concentrate too much on this woman now, it may act as distraction to you. There is no point you get to in life that you can’t marry. 

Besides, this lady you are interested in is already a graduate and serving the nation. She has an edge over you, because you are just in your final year. This is the first disadvantage for you. By the time you are out, she would have since moved on to other things. Like you rightly observed the woman’s shelf-span is limited. Even if she loves you sufficiently to accept your proposal, would the reality on ground give her the needed patience to wait for you considering the fact that there are no guarantees of when you are likely to get a job to get the process of marriage started? Even if we all pretend that money isn’t essential to marriage, the truth is that for a man to take on a wife, he has to have money to rent a house as well as attend to the responsibilities that come with the marriage. Not all babies are deterred by family planning techniques. So many babies have been known to come when their parents least expect them. This is why you must have something to fall back on before contemplating marriage.  All these women failed you because they were way beyond you. Love isn’t the only perquisite for a successful marriage. No matter how much love a couple has for each other, when confronted with the harsh economic situation, it requires understanding, tolerance, commitment, selflessness as well as wisdom to sustain it. 

It would require an extraordinary commitment on the part of this lady in question to accept your offer knowing that you may not be ready in the next five years to settle down. Considering the mystery of the future, it would require more than declaration of love on your part to make her bury the fear everywoman who makes such sacrifices have of waiting endlessly for a man. 

On your part, do you think she is the kind of woman you will never tire of? The one who has that something extra to keep you happy? Does she meet the status of your dream woman? You have to derive happiness from your relationship with her to make you want her for life.  This is important if you have been experiencing disappointments in your relationships. Until you have a very clear picture of the kind of life you want and the kind of woman that would help you achieve it. Don’t make an offer to this woman, to avoid regrets or avoidable situations later in life. It would be so unfair to tie her down to commitment unless you are absolutely sure you have the strength, guts and vision to make the difference in your life as well as hers.

Good luck.