We Are Of Same Age

Dear Agatha,

I got to know this girl through my younger sister. They both attended the same school. We gradually got talking and soon became good friends. I got to know her very well and wanted her for keeps then but since I was due to for the National Youth Service, I decided against asking her out. Besides, I have never subscribed to this “sowing of wild oats” thing.

Last year, I came to town and she was around (on holiday). So, I made my intention known to her. Though, she didn’t give a clear idea of her feelings in words, her actions showed she too felt the same way about me and ever since we’ve been in touch with each other. 

But, recently, it occurred to me that this lady is about the same age as me. 

Though, I have not talked this over with her, I intend to. However, whenever she is around me I usually get scared of bringing up the matter for discussion for fear of what her response might be.

I have related this matter to a few of my friends but they have not helped me in anyway with any positive solution other than that it is unwise and un-African to continue with her. I really would love to settle down with this lady, hence my questions and the need of your advice.

Considering the African society we belong to, would it be okay for me to go ahead with the relationship?

Are there likely to be social implications in such a relationship later in life?

Is it true that ladies age quicker than men? I need to clear these worries before I discuss with her. Thank you.

Ayo.

Dear Ayo,

Love is all that matters. When contemplating the choice of a life partner, age is the least thing that makes it work provided the age gap is not such that leaves a deep gap. Being of the same age with your woman is not a treasonable felony.

What ought to be of paramount interests to you is your feelings for her, how she feels about you and the depth of your feelings for each other.

Many a time, we end up with the wrong choices because things that ought not to matter are the things we play up, relegating to the backburner those things that at the end of the day determine our depth of happiness and peace.

There are many successful couples that are either of the same age or the women involved are slightly older.

Age is just a number, which should not be allowed to determine our state of happiness. Look beyond her age and look at how good a wife she would make, how much respect she accords you as the man in the relationship, her level of responsibility, her spirituality, her outlook generally to life and her temperament. 

Look at the interests you both share. Is she somebody you can rely on through the thick and thin? What sort of friend would she be when things are rough? Would she be very understanding as expected of a true friend and wife? 

Do you see her as a fair weather friend who is ready to run at the slightest hint of a problem? Does she possess those qualities that would make life with her enduring?

These are more important things than age. What if she is of the age you desire, but lacking in the qualities that would make you a happy man or give you peace when you desire it the most?

The only implication is if you go about with a banner around your neck, telling everybody that you and your woman are of same age and that you don’t feel comfortable about it. Beyond that, there is no implication whatsoever.

That theory that women age faster than men worked when women didn’t know how to care for themselves. A lot of women these days are looking years younger than their ages because they now appreciate the value of healthy living habits. Besides, that argument is faulty because you could marry a younger lady who ends up looking far older than her true age.

Seek the face of God before embarking on any relationship because he only sees the end from the beginning. 

Good luck.

My Friend Courts Her Now

Dear Agatha,

I appreciate the way you proffer solutions to problems brought to you. I really want to thank you profusely.

I am an 18-year-old man in love with a girl who is also deeply in love with me. I discover that all of a sudden she stopped visiting me. When I asked to know what happened, she refused to say any thing. I kept pleading to know what I had done wrong but all to no avail. I even went to the extent of pleading for forgiveness in case I did something to hurt her, but nothing worked.

I therefore decided to go through her friends to plead my case. It was at this point I discovered that the reason she stopped coming to see me was because she was dating a friend of mine.

So, I went to confront her, but she tried to cover it up but opened up when I told her what her friends told me. I am confused and desperately in need of your help on what to do next.

Andy. 

Dear Andy,

At 18, you are too young to have sleepless nights over love matters. If I am correct, this girl would be at least a year younger than you. At your ages, you both should put more efforts and time on insuring your future through sound education. Stop bothering yourself over this relationship. You need not give immense time to matters of the heart but limited time to position your life in the direction it would be of immense benefit to you and family.

When the right time comes, God would send that special lady that would treat you like her king and accord you all the respect you deserve as the man in her life.

Meanwhile have all the best of luck in your educational pursuit.

Age Differential Stands Against Our Marriage

Dear Agatha,

I am a 27-year-old man in love with a 36-year-old lady. We are so much in love. We don’t have any secret between us. This is about the 

best relationship I have had till now, but the problem is that a lot of people are complaining she is older than me or too old to be my wife.

I am really confused about the whole situation at the moment. Agatha, this is a woman that has done so much for me.

When I met her, she was dating a man, but agreed to drop him for me if I insisted she did. In fairness to her, she did. There was a night we were together when the man came to visit her, right in my presence she told the man to go because she had found someone whom she loved so much and wouldn’t want to hurt.

Since we started dating, I have no reason to regret having her in my life. She has made me very happy but the pressure now is on me to leave her. I don’t want to because she has shown me she really loves me. Can I go ahead to marry despite being older than me? Advise me on what to do.

Da Capone.

 Dear Da Capone,

The most important thing is what you both feel for each other and, not what people say.

If you love her, please go ahead and marry her. It is your life, your future and happiness that matter not the opinion of those who aren’t in your shoes, hence those who don’t know what you are feeling. 

If you are not bothered about the differences in ages, don’t mind what others think. Marriage is a companionship of the soul, spirit and body. Only very few people understand that there is more to marriage than the physical. As long as she gives you the respect you deserve as her man and you don’t feel embarrassed by the relationship, tell those people urging you to leave her that you know what you want and what you are doing. 

This is because, it is the nature of people to talk and try to impose their opinions on others. Besides, this woman is looking up to you to give her the right kind of leadership she needs to continue to entrust her life and body to you. The moment she senses you cannot be trusted to be your own person, she would lose whatever respect she currently has for you. Even if you end up deciding in her favour, it is always difficult for a man to regain the lost respect of the woman in his life. 

Marriage is a serious business that involves two souls that understand, appreciate and love each other. If you are able to manage your union, age is just another number, not a factor. The bedrock of any successful marriage is how differences are managed with minimal fall-out. At this critical stage in your life, your happiness as defined by you is what matters not what others think it should be.

Very importantly, commit your relationship to God. His involvement is what makes the most difference. 

Good luck

I Don’t Want A Joint Account With My Husband

Dear Agatha,

I just got married a few months ago and I am already having trouble with my husband over the issue of having a joint account. Before we got married we discussed the issue in passing but we didn’t agree on anything concrete. I have always had it in mind because of the problem my own parents and siblings had with it. The marriage of my parents suffered as a result of misunderstanding arising from having a joint account.

My mother felt betrayed when she discovered my father was using part of the money from the account to conduct his affairs.

She also discovered that while she kept faith my father kept defaulting. The furor it generated was such that my mother packed out of the house in anger. Though she came back after a while, the hurt and bitterness was too deep for her to forgive. She finally left when the mistress of my father came with a baby. My mother simply refused to be consoled she told everybody that cared to listen that her husband used her money from their joint account to finance the relationship that led to the conception and birth. She said her continued stay with my father and the boy would always remind her of her foolishness and betrayal by my father.

The story of my eldest sister is not different. Her husband used the opportunity of their having a joint account to be irresponsible. He not only refused to keep his side of the bargain but also ensured that my sister did. The month she refused to transfer the agreed amount, he would make the home very uncomfortable for her. She ended up using all her salary to feed, care and support his extra marital affairs. Like my mother when she couldn’t take it anymore she too left her marriage.

Flowing from the experiences of these two very close people to me, I developed a natural phobia and hatred for anything joint accountant.

That was the main reason I refused to have a conclusive discussion with my boyfriend when he brought up the matter during our relationship.

I have tried everything I know, including telling him about the experiences of my mother and sister to dissuade him from insisting on it but he said it is the only way to ensure we contribute fairly to the upkeep of the house, the same arguments my father and brother-in-law put up when they were tying to convince my mother and sister. He said it worked well for his parents and that since we love and trust each other, it would work.

Our opposing views are such that our three-month-old marriage is at risk. He is refusing to eat at home or sleep with me in our room. My mother is of the opinion I should not allow him bully me into doing something I don’t want to do and strongly cautioned against operating a joint account with any man, that I should learn from what happened to her and my sister. That my husband would also treat me the same way as my father and brother-in-law did.

Agatha, please tell me what to do. I love my husband but I don’t want to operate a joint account with him. Why are men so bigheaded? Why must they always insist things are done their way? Why are they always out to cheat women? Why is he being so unreasonable over something that is not important at all?

Jibike.

Dear Jibike,

If it is not important why are you both quarreling over it? Why don’t you just give in to him if it is not important to you at all?

I am sure you would not have written me if it were not fundamental to your happiness and success of your marriage. And it is not true that men are arrogant, out to cheat women or bigheaded. It is wrong to make a general categorisation based on the experiences of a few.

A lot of women too are guilty of the same offences. What is important is how the individuals in a relationship overcome their differences.

One secret to a successful marriage is to appreciate that just as we are different in looks and character so are marriages. Not even identical twins have similar outlook to life.

Marriages work best if couples tailor it to fit into their character, view of life, as well as understanding of each other. When couples try to mould their marriages into the jackets of other people, then a problem occurs. Simply because your parents and sister failed to make a success of a particular thing does not automatically translate to you failing to make a success of it.

Your man and marriage are not the same as your parents or sister’s. You are different from them and so is your man. What you both need is an honest assessment of your feelings, intention and the amount of trust you both have and are willing to invest in the relationship. It is also the amount of faith you have in each other and are willing to give. You must have sufficient trust and faith in yourselves and marriage to make anything work.

Rather than dismiss the idea because of the experiences of those close to you, look at it, and see how you can make it work for you. You both can agree as a tentative start to use the joint account to keep your housekeeping money. We all know that given the harsh economic condition in the country, most men cannot adequately fend for their families alone. What he gives you and what you add can be put away in a joint account. It would go a long way in determining how you would manage trusts, as well as larger amounts. To totally dismiss your husband’s suggestion on the premise that it failed your mother and sister is not good enough. Remember, unlike your parents, it worked for his so he has a right to want to try it in his marriage.

I think the problem is not the joint account but your approach to it. If you had taken time to listen to him, reason with him and agreed to find a common ground to the issue, you won’t be going through this problem so early in your marriage.

Go to him and apologise. Once again, take time to explain the reason for your apprehension over the issue of the joint account. Tell him you are willing to give it a try to make him happy. I am sure with this olive branch from you, he would have a rethink. Always remember that marriage is all about compromises and selflessness. As a woman the sacrifices are more on your side. You just have to do everything to make it work.

In addition, you also have to invite God into your home and heart. You have to entrust your home absolutely to Him. With Him, you cannot go wrong.

And please limit the intervention of your family and his in your marriage. Granted, the experiences of your mother and sister did not end well, still your mother should have advised you to allow the will of God prevail. To have told you not to mind your husband is wrong and an attempt to transfer her hurt to you and into your marriage. Be careful you don’t invest your marriage with the viruses from other people’s problems. You are unwittingly towing the line of your parents’ marriage by refusing to give in to your husband’s suggestions.

When confused and in need of direction, go to God in prayer and fasting. In marriages where God is the head, the issue of joint account is a very simple one. A man who is by nature irresponsible will be, joint account or not. There are a lot of men who have betrayed their vows without operating joint accounts with their wives. Continue to pray to God to make your husband responsible in all ways. That is what is important, not the joint account.

Good luck.

I Love Her Dearly, But She Has Become Very Lukewarm

Dear Agatha.

I am 25 years old, and in love with a girl who is 22. To start with, I am one of those so much concerned with his future and place in history.

I have a determination to succeed and so refuse to accept anything that would short-change my plans. I invest all I make on myself. To avoid distractions, I made a vow during my secondary school days not to have anything to do with the opposite sex in terms of relationships.

As I grew older, I realised the futility of such a vow. So, I went into a relationship with a girl who ended up adding more stress to my life than I deserve. If she was not complaining about me not giving her enough attention, it would be over money or my responsibilities to her. When I couldn’t take any more of her complaints I ended the relationship.

I allowed myself a period of emotional reprieve before embarking on my second relationship. I was so much in love with this lady until I discovered her duplicity. She was concurrently having a relationship with me and another man. It was so painful; I had to terminate the relationship. 

Thereafter, I decided to suspend all relationships until I was more emotionally able to handle them with other aspects of my life.

About a year ago, a friend of mine met with this second girl and gave her my new number since I had stopped using the one she knew. She called me and we resumed the relationship again but not before trashing out the gray areas that led to the previous problems. She agreed to obey whatever conditions given her by me as a demonstration of her seriousness with me this time around. There is no denying that I love this lady - as each day went by the feelings ran deeper.

My current problem, however, started when she came back from school - she is a student of the Federal Polytechnic, Ilaro - and I offered to help her, as usual, with her courses. Being a student of accountancy as I, it wasn’t too difficult a thing for me to do. But on this particular day, there was this little note she had which I wanted to see but she refused. I was curious and asked why she didn’t want me to go through it. She didn’t say anything. Just as I made to grab the note from her in a joking manner, I noticed she was trying to hide a picture in the note from me. I didn’t bother to force the issue again but I was angry even though we later made it up.

But, I noticed that her attitude has changed a lot since then. Anytime I visit her at home, she would start acting funny and whenever I asked what the problem was, she would say nothing and if I insist, she would reply curtly, that the problem was hers, not mine, telling me to mind my business. She even went to the extent of telling me to stop fussing over her, and that she is not my responsibility.

Agatha, this has been going on for some time. I am hurting deep inside because I love her so much. Her attitude is taking a great toll on me. My mother noticed and begged me not to hurt myself, though I lied to her that it was my academic work that was telling on me.

Agatha, do you know the most annoying part of all these? I visited her in the school and spent three days with her. Not for once did her attitude thaw. She also did not bother to phone to know if I got to Lagos safely. She sold her home and has warned me not to disturb those she stays with by calling her. Unless she calls, I can’t get her. So, Agatha, what can I do? Do I quit the relationship? You are my last hope.

Henry.

Dear Henry.

It is obvious that you and this girl don’t feel the same way about each other any more. She doesn’t love you the way you do her and she can’t be more obvious about her feelings than she currently is. 

Rather than feel bad, I think you ought to be happy that she manifested these behaviours before the relationship went further than the point at which things turned sour.

Stop wasting your time with her and move on to other things. And don’t be bothered about the type of women you have got yourself involved with. Your experiences with them would help you later in life. It’s all part of growing up and becoming mature. In the not too distant future, you would meet that special woman that would love you just as deep as you do her.

However, to have that relationship that would make you happy, don’t allow love to blind you to any obvious fault or attempt to tolerate things that don’t make you happy all because you are afraid of being hurt. While compromises are part of relationships, don’t pretend to be happy when you know deep down that the situation you are in cause you discomfort. Be honest with your feelings and consult God any time you meet a woman you love before approaching her for a relationship.

Don’t make the same mistake a lot of us make - transferring someone else’s failure to another relationship. If quitting, leave behind your pains and disappointment with that relationship, to give any new relationship you are embarking on the chance to grow. 

Good luck.

My Wayward Girlfriend Needs Help

Dear Agatha,

I am a 24-year-old undergraduate. I love the way you handle people’s problems and I hope you will resolve mine as aptly as you do others.

Agatha, there is this girl I love so much and she knows I love her with all my heart. This is irrespective of the fact that she has been doing all sorts of things, like going out with other men even in my presence. 

And, due to my love for her, I have tolerated all these by refusing to react. But she has done the worst: getting pregnant for someone I don’t know and going ahead to abort it.

Fortunately for me, I discovered what she did and confronted her with the details which she didn’t bother to deny.

Unfortunately for her, the abortion she did was incomplete. She is now going through some pains and discomfort. I have refused to help her. I told her to use her money to get a complete cure.

Agatha, please advise me on what to do. I love this girl so much but her unfaithfulness is killing me. Should I help her and continue with her? She also happens to be the only daughter of her family.

Chibyke.

Dear Chibyke,

If you are in a position to save her life, please do. If’ you do nothing to help her, she may die from complications arising from the incomplete abortion. Time is not her friend in this circumstance; everyday you delay in helping her, something inside her is badly affected. 

If you continue to rationalise about the way she has treated you, getting pregnant for someone else and now coming to you for help when things are very bad for her medically, you would never raise a finger to help. 

And at the end of the day, she may die, leaving with you a sense of guilt that you will never ever be able to bury from your memory each time you remember her.

Whether you like it or not, she has become a part of your history; a part of a story you will tell someone in your position one day. Not all stories are meant to have happy endings. Some are laced with too much pain that come from endless sacrifices to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. 

But, if we remember that, as human beings we disappoint God daily and yet gets his unconditional forgiveness, it would be easier for us to let go some of the needless painful memories we infect our system with.

The beauty of God is his willingness to love and forgive us. It is also about showing love to those who have hurt us and being selfless. 

Rise above the emotional turmoil she has subjected you to through her recklessness and insensitivity to your feelings by helping to rescue her. She remains a friend and friends do help each other, no matter what pains they inflict on one another. Remember she once gave you reason to smile despite the many pains she has inflicted on you. 

You don’t have to continue with the relationship unless you are convinced that she has changed. Don’t subject yourself to further emotional turmoil because it is not worth it.

Unless she changes her way of life, there is the possibility of you ending up with a woman you would have no control over and who will never be faithful to your marital vows.

Be careful on how you allow your emotions infringe on your reasoning ability.

Although this experience may be what she needs to change her wayward ways, there has to be enough evidence that she has indeed changed before you take her too seriously again.

You need to exercise caution in dealing with a woman like her when it comes to love.

Good luck. 

My Fiancée And I Have Same Genotype, Can We Still Marry?

Dear Agatha, 

I am a 25-year-old apprentice in love with a girl of 19 years. Our relationship is over five years old. Our relationship is based on understanding and consideration for the feelings of one another.  I met her when she was in primary five. She lives with her relative. Her inspirations and qualities prompted my interest in her and we had been there for each other.

During her second year in Junior Secondary School (JSS) 2, we indicated interest in each other, but quite conscious of the challenges we faced in our homes as teenagers. We also discussed our precarious situations, especially as she was staying with her guardians and me, an apprentice. At the end of the day, we resolved to be always there for each other. Because of her inherent qualities, I was determined to spend the rest of my life with her.

Our relationship soon came to the knowledge of her guardians. We have also learnt to discuss issues rather than argue. She is currently in her second year at a senior secondary school. She is very courageous and ambitious and I know my future lies with her. 

Recently, a discussion we had led me to give her my hematology report. I’m O positive and my genotype is AS. I noticed that she wasn’t too comfortable with the information.

Sensing that the news probably upset her, given her reactions, I made another promise that I would never leave her irrespective of whatever her genotype might be.  

She promised to go for blood test the following day. When I returned in the evening, her eyes and face were swollen. I noticed she had been crying. Without saying anything, she brought out the report of the test and showed it to me. Her reaction made me very fearful as she threatened to commit suicide than to accept the report. It was a tug of war calming her to even allow me read the report. 

Before the tests, I had promised to share the burden with her whether AS or not, but I knew that it is a very hard decision. We have come a long way; we have had many things in common; the idea of parting ways at this time, to me is not the best decision in the circumstance. 

I love her so much and I told her that this issue would not be a problem for us in the near future. My friend advised that we continue with our relationship but the future looks unpredictable.

Within me, I still believe that there is a way out. Agatha, I need your candid advice. Since both of us are AS, what do you think? When does the SS come? Is it with the first child or the subsequent ones? How can it be regulated so by the time the SS carrier will come, the mother will stop to conceive? We can’t watch our children die. I desperately need your help. 

Chimezie. 

 

Dear Chimezie, 

There has been no significant breakthrough medically to make it absolutely safe for an AS couple to marry. To do so is at your own peril because statistics show that medical calculations do not often turn out to be correct. 

For some inexplicable reasons, some couples with AS genotype start with SS children while some completely escape it even if they have more than four children. 

So. it boils down to luck and the mercy of God and not what the medical books say. 

As it is, your only help comes from God who has the powers to do and undo; but if I am to go by available medical statistics, it might not be in the interest of both of you to marry because the presence of a Sickle Cell child in the marriage can put a lot of pressures on the love, resources, emotions and time of a couple. 

In addition, there is always the guilt that never goes away. The guilt of knowing that the situation could have been prevented from the beginning. This is where the anger, counter-accusations come into the marriage and once these start, the pressure of guilt can make a couple break up. 

So it is in your interest to think properly. While the picture of the future may look rosy, given the quality of your feelings for each other, the truth remains that once the children start coming, this feeling would be subject to straits and severe challenges. Will your feelings be able to withstand it if at the end of the day you turn out to have a Sickle Cell child?

Granted that relationships are products of sentiment, only naked reality can sustain them because life is a process of unqualified certainty.

Don’t differ what can be a potential danger to both of you in future. The issue you are toying with has great consequences and unless your love is absolutely strong enough, you both may not be able to cope later as you feared. 

The panacea is for you to seek further medical clarification, honestly weighing your options before taking a final decision.

Good Luck.

Two Men On Me, Who Do I Choose?

Dear Agatha,

I am in my mid 20s and have just finished my service year. In my final year at the university, I fell in love with a young and unmarried lecturer. To be candid he is the first man that has touched me that deeply. But one thing I noticed about him is that he is your everyday Casanova. There is no time I went into his office that I didn’t meet a woman. Even though he usually goes out of his way to explain to the girls my relationship with him, it has not stopped the girls from congregating in his office.

Even at his house the situation is not different from what happens in the office. Whenever I go to visit him, the girls are there. Despite the fact that none of them has been rude to me, it is however a situation I am not finding funny.

During my service year, I became involved with another man I met at the place of my assignment. Though a father of a child he had at secondary school, he is one of’ those dependable men every woman needs in her life. From the very day I met him, he told me about his former relationships and how he was winding own his current one. I discovered from my interactions with people in the office that the reason he gave for wanting to terminate the relation was not exaggerated at all. The lady in question happens to be more than a social drinker. She drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney. She is also a careless person, a woman who thinks if it is right for the man to do it, a woman too can do it.

Since I didn’t want any embarrassment and didn’t want to lie, I opened up to him about my own relationship. I didn’t tell him the problem I was having with my boyfriend.

We started out as friends, until I discovered, like him, I felt something deeper. Before long we went into a relationship despite the knowledge of our existing relationships. I discovered he is a caring man, sensitive to my moods and someone I could really talk to. With him, I don’t have to do any extra work on my looks. He is very matured in his way of thinking. When my elder sister came for a visit and met with him, she told me to go for him that he would make a wonderful husband.

Recently I met with the mother of his child, now married. She confided her regrets at not marrying him and pleaded with me not to allow him seep through my fingers.

He has proposed marriage, but told me to keep my reply until I sorted myself out with my other boyfriend. I have met his parents and his only sister; they are all good and happy that at last he is thinking of settling down.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do. My other boyfriend too is beginning to talk about marriage and has promised to stop the horde of women coming into his office and home.

I love both men in a different way. While my lecturer boyfriend is the breezy and impulsive type, this other man is a more staid person. He is not impulsive; rather he likes to consider his options before making a decision. He says he cannot take unnecessary risks because he has a responsibility to his son and now me to consider, making too risky ventures a no go area.

I am confused because a part of me is reckless while a greater part of me wants something very solid.

Without telling me, the second man bought me shares in one of the now leading banks and even encouraged me to invest my allowances on shares.

Please help me make the right decision and how to ease myself out of the other relationship without pains to the man I am leaving. 

Lillian.

Dear Lillian,

It would be very difficult for me to make the decision for you, but I would point you to the qualities that would help you arrive at a decision.

There are so many things required to make a marriage work. Love is just a little bit of it. The most important is friendship. Whereas love remembers a slight and keeps record of wrong doings, friendship doesn’t. Your best friend is the one person that can tell you the truth, who can see all your worst doing and still considers you to be the best person on earth. 

Whereas friendship understands that no one is perfect, love believes everything should be perfect. This is the inherent difference between love and friendship. 

It is only a friend that would see you without teeth, falling hair, wrinkled skin, a protruded stomach, flat chest and still considers you to be the most beautiful person in the world.

It is only a friend that would love you when it is impossible for others to do. A good friend would know when you are happy, sad, look out for your interest and give you encouragement to succeed when others are unwilling to take such risks on you.

A good friend would do everything to protect you from hurt and desist from doing those things that would continue to cause you pains.

A true friend’s love is unconditional and freely given.

Which of these men fit the bill of a true friend; the one who has a stable character to shoulder your emotions, listen to your inner cries for help? Those kinds of cries you expect your loved one to detect without you framing the words. Which of these two men would stay with you when the first sign of wrinkle comes and that supple and shapely body of yours becomes sag? 

Which one is most ready to forgive you a mistake; provide you with the most dependable shoulders to lean on physically and emotionally? There is no marriage without problems but which of them are likely to have the least problems with? Which one is more Godly, friendly, sincere, patient, stable, tolerant, responsible, respectful, supportive and caring?

You are the only one with the answers. If you were ever truthful with yourself, you would know which of these men would make the best husband for you.

Go to God in prayers for help in arriving at the best decision, one that you would be happy with for the rest of your life. Trust God to give you the best of the two men before you and if God Himself makes the decision for you, He would tell you how to go about the problem of leaving the other guy without bitterness.

Good luck.

She Can’t Adjust To Relationship Rules

Dear Agatha, 

I have a girlfriend I love very much. She recently called to break up with me on the ground that she wasn’t ready for the sacrifices a relationship entailed. I don’t know what to do now.

Worried Guy.

Dear Worried Guy, 

Respect her wish to be left alone. You can’t force her to develop feelings or compassion for you. If nothing else, learn to respect her honesty. She has told you precisely what her handicaps are. The choice is yours to either move forward and find happiness in the arms of another woman ready to make the sacrifices for love or insist on getting hurt by someone who has told you she cannot do what you expect from her. 

The truth is not that she cannot make the sacrifice love requires, but she cannot make it for you. She simply hasn’t found that special reason in you and the relationship she has with you to make that kind of sacrifice. 

Give it to her, not many women would be that blunt with you. Instead of feeling bad, appreciate her because she has provided you with every reason to gauge yourself as a man aspiring to be married one day. 

There is a huge difference between being in love and being able to make the necessary sacrifices that go with it. What she wants from you isn’t the obligations that go with what she feels for you, rather contented with staying on the fringes. It takes more than what she is willing to offer to make a relationship work. 

As a man you need a woman who understands you, willing to help you make something out of nothing, who will provide you with strong shoulders to lean on when the outside forces become hostile, who will support your dreams spiritually and physically. Unless a woman has the determination to help her man make it in life, the man would find himself working in vain to make ends meet. 

Therefore you should thank God for making this happen and freeing you from any obligations to her. A wise man in your shoes would turn to God for help in getting another woman who has the fear of God and the right focus you need to succeed to replace her. 

One thing is for a woman to have a vision, while another thing is for her to have the right vision for the man in her life. This is what you should pray for, a woman who has the right vision to match your own dream in life. 

Good luck. 

He Wages Cold War For Not Visiting Him At Home

Dear Agatha, 

I’m so much happy at the way you treat issues. I also hope that mine will be solved too. I’m 20 years of age in one of the Nigerian higher institutions and in love with a 29-year-old graduate for over two years.

Things were okay between us until the beginning of this year when his behaviour towards me started to change. This has decreased the number of times he calls me to twice a week unlike before when his calls were twice a day. 

When I demanded for explanations he didn’t have any to give and since the beginning of last month, I have been the one doing all the calls. 

Being in school, I hardly have time to honour his several invitations that I come over to his house, a development he sees as an excuse to conceal the fact, his opinion, of the presence of another man in my life. I have tried explaining my reasons for not having enough time for him, but he won’t listen. 

Things are so bad between us that he neither calls nor picks my calls again. And when he does, maybe out of mistake he tells me he is busy. I sent my cousin to ask him what I had done wrong. He told her I didn’t do anything but that he has been very busy too. 

Agatha, please tell me what to do since I am losing concentration in my studies. I also want to know if I should continue with him or not. 

Peace.

Dear Peace, 

Sincerely, there is nothing to this. What I see is a misunderstanding of your situations. He wants to see more of you while you want to concentrate more on your studies. He thinks as his girlfriend, his interest must top your agenda and that not coming to him when he wants your company is a signal that there is someone else in your life distracting you from having time for him. 

He needs you to explain to him properly why you don’t seem to have enough time for him. He may have passed through the process you are going through with your studies, you still need him to understand that this is when you need him the most, to support, counsel and guide you to attaining tremendous success in your learning.

Relationship strives best on effective communication. He has to know that at all times you have his interests at heart whether you have the time or not to see him.

Refusing to call or respond to your text messages is a subtle attempt at making you realise his displeasure as well as press home his point that two can play a game of indifference. Unfortunately, in this kind of game, love and your relationship is the victim. 

Find time if you can to go to him. There is no sacrifice too high to make for love. If you truly love this man, make time out to resolve the issue to avoid regrets in life. There is never a smooth journey or one that doesn’t necessitate a measure of self-sacrifice, patience and determination to make it work. You need him just as he needs you if your over two years relationship is to move beyond the point it is now. 

It also shows that you two have to address critical issues you have in the past ignored as a dating couple. This requires absolute honestly and commitment to make things work. In achieving this, you must first of all critique your relationship in the last two years. Are you both satisfied with the progress? Has it met your aspirations? What value has it added to the lives of both of you? What do you find most interesting about him and what do you dislike the most in him? What would like changed in this relationship?

Some of your repressed disappointment may actually come from dissatisfaction with the way both of you have conducted the relationship, hence your need to make the necessary move to reconcile your obvious differences.

If both of you have made the mistake of elevating sex to the detriment of all the other aspects of a relationship, then it is time to reconsider your priorities because those things are what can make your relationship work. Important as sex is, you must first lay the right foundations for sex to be meaningful. The truth is you cannot use sex to replace effective communication and friendship in a relationship. You must first be friends to grow the much-needed trust to move a relationship into its right port. 

The issue you are having with your man bothers on trust. It is only after you go to him to talk that you can make up your mind on what to do.

Good luck.    

I Have Feminine Qualities

Dear Agatha

Thanks for being there for

us.

I am a 15-year-old student of Federal Government College, Ilorin.

My story is a long and pathetic one that I fear time won’t allow me to fully share my problem with you as I would have liked to. But Agatha, the summary of it is that I behave like a girl instead of the boy I am meant to be and worst of it is that I have a bent neck. It makes me a sorry sight. I am seriously thinking of committing suicide. I am tired of this life.

Abdulmajeed.

 Dear Abdulmajeed,

You don’t have to kill yourself because life is worth a living. God did not make a mistake in the way he created you. Look beyond your physical limitations and value all the good things God has blessed you with.

A lot of the time the things we place much premium on are actually those things that do not matter. We place so much worth on appearance than what God has embedded in us. God is Mr. Perfect Himself so if He created you with some deformity, it is because He has a reason to.

What are those areas you excel in? Discover them and use them to your advantage in life. There are many examples of successful physically challenged people around. They are living and shaming the so-called physically perfect people with their astonishing success. They didn’t throw in the towel by contemplating suicide. Rather than feel sorry for themselves like you are doing, they challenged their situation and story with that special thing God in His wisdom deposited in them.

Because God knows that your special form needs an additional special talent to sail through life with ease, in His wisdom, He must have invested in you what people with no deformity lack. But if you persist in your self pity, you will never discover what it is because pity has a way of robbing one of sense of perception and direction. You must have both senses working well to unlock the key to your special gift from God.

By the time you discover that special something in you and turn it round into a goldmine, those that today are making fun of you or have rejected you would be the first set of human beings to identify with you. Go to God in prayers for His direction and leading. As for your feminine tendency, it is a psychological problem that needs expert handling. Go to a specialist hospital, perhaps a government hospital nearest to you and request to see a clinical psychologist.

If you refuse to be put down by the attitude of others, nobody can put you down. Always have it at the back of your mind that you are too important to God to be ignored by men. In His presence you are precious and of too much value.

Suicide would not only disappoint God, but make you lose what is important at the end of the day – God’s blessing He took time to invest in you. If you learn to treat yourself with dignity, people will treat you with dignity, but if you allow them to see pity in your eyes, chances are they will always strive to put you down.

Good luck.

My Hips Attract Many Men

Dear Agatha, 

Let me start by thanking God for using you to help others.

Agatha, I am 18 years of age with big hips. I want to know if it is bad or natural? My hips are so enormous that men cannot resist approaching me on daily basis. It is very embarrassing.

To be frank, I am tired of all these unnecessary attention my hips attract.

A lot of people attribute it to excessive sex. Is it true? Is it natural for a young girl like me to sprout such excessive hips? Is there anything medically wrong with me? I am shy whenever I leave my house. It is made more obvious because I am of an average height. Help me to avoid these embarrassments.

Vivian.

Dear Vivian,

I honestly cannot understand why you are embarrassed by what a lot of women would give anything to have. Excessive sex is not a direct or remote cause of excessive hips rather it is in the genes.

If the female children in your family are wide-hipped, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. However there is a way out - exercises. Not that it would prevent them from being obvious, but it would help moderate their spread.

Do exercises that focus on the hips; though difficult to trim, the right kinds of exercises can check excessive growth.

For an 18-year-old girl, cut down on your sexual urges and habits. Though it has nothing to do with the issue at hand, it is in your interest to apply caution because it could have been a serious sexually transmitted disease that is your bother, so learn to be careful. There is so much to gain from abstinence as a young girl than what you are getting from the act now. There is always plenty of time for you to make the right choice of what is good for you.

Go to any exercise shop gymnasium for more information and professional counsel on what would work for you and the kinds of knowledge or equipment that would get you closer to the kinds of hips you want.

Good luck.