His Suspicion Evokes In Me Desperate Thoughts

Dear Agatha,

I am a 21-year-old undergraduate who has been in a four-year-old relationship. I knew my man when I was still very young and I have been faithful to him. He travelled earlier this year to another state, but before he left he told many people to keep their eyes on me.

Since he left, we have been having problems whenever he phones. Some times he had told me that some people saw me with a guy, while others told him they saw me with married men. After hearing all these stories from him, I would become restless and spend huge amount of money to prove my innocence.

The recent story has to do with a man in the compound of my mother’s elder sister and her family, a place where I also reside.

The man in question has just got married. One evening, a woman who lives in our compound called to inform me that the man’s wife complained to her about me looking for her husband at night. I was so surprised because nothing like that had happened.

Immediately she told me this, I called my boyfriend to inform him of the story, but to my surprise, he told me not to bother him, but instead I should either go and sort my problems out. He took the opportunity to remind me of the several times he had kept questioning me of having affairs with other boys. I have done everything to make him understand the fact that I love him very much and how I have remained faithful to him.

Please auntie do I continue with him or do I quit the relationship?

Iheoma.

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Dear Iheoma,

One thing is for you to claim you are innocent of all the several accusations being levelled against you, but the real question is, are you?

How come not one but several people, including this woman are accusing you of the same thing? What precisely are you doing wrong? Why all these people especially the woman single you out as dating her husband? Are you the only single lady in that compound? Why you?

This is what your boyfriend is trying to understand. If the complaints are coming from just one person, they can be said be said to have been made out of envy. Perhaps he would have been able to understand and endure it but from several persons? In his shoes what would you think? Would you have believed the stories from these different people were false?

The first issue here is not for you to convince him about your innocence but that of knowing why you are attracting all the negative comments to yourself. Without you first doing this, the issue of your fidelity will continue to come up and tear the two of you apart.

Is your closeness to all these men the major cause of your problem or just your carelessness about your image to think of the implications of some of the actions you take?

A woman must at all times be conscious of her image and what impact her actions would have on her reputation. To be fair to you, you may be innocent of all the accusations but because you are doing something very wrong through the choices you are making, the accusations will keep coming.

So, you must really sit back to think on what could be making you the target of what you think are malicious gossips against you.

Living apart from each other means you have to be more careful about the company you keep, what you say, what you wear as well as your general conduct. What you will ordinarily do or say when he is around and get away with, don’t expect the same kind of freedom or support when you are separated by distance. This is because distance creates insecurity in a couple that lacks what it takes to trust each other whether together or not. You are young, so also is your man; both of you are yet to master the strength of overcoming the monster of distance, walking above it to keep your hearts united irrespective of what is being peddled about you.

Again part of your problem has to do with the kind of relationship both you had before he changed location. Had both of you taken the pains as well as made the necessary sacrifices to grow your relationships with the right values, he would have exercised certain trust in you based on his knowledge of you. Something is obviously wrong.

However, before calling it a day with him, why not make the attempt at seeing him first to properly explain why you think you are being unjustly accused by all these people?

Your decision on whether to end the relationship will depend on the outcome of your meeting as well as how far you succeed in convincing him of your loyalty.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

I thank you for the way you are helping in solving people’s problems because each time I read your column and the responses you give to the problems people face, I can’t but say you are a special gift by God, I pray He continues to guard and protect you.

I am from Imo State and am 20 years of age. I have never had any girl friend by choice but now I have decided to have a girl and will appreciate if you can help me through your column. I need a pretty and understanding girl between the ages of 18 to 25 years of age. Any interested girl should call me on 07035029850 or samuelugwu4@yahoo.com

Samuel.

I Love My Husband But…

Dear Agatha,

Please tell me how to handle this problem I have found myself in. There is no doubting the fact that I love my husband but my two-year-old marriage is already feeling like a century old because of the issues I have had to battle. It has been one problem after the other.

I met my husband when things were very difficult for me, when I had no place to stay and was living like a house-help in the home of a friend of mine. My friend’s mother, aware of my helpless situation, assigned all the housework to me. I cooked, cleaned and washed for the family. My friend soon joined the mother in treating me like the paid help.

I ate only once a day and even at that, it would be without fish or meat. When done with the house chores, I would go to her shop to sell her wares. It was not easy but I had to endure the treatment for the sake of a roof over my head and the gift of a meal.

It was while selling at the shop that I met him. He had come with a friend to buy some drinks and engaged me in a conversation. From that point he became a regular face at the shop and got to know about my story when he came to the house and found my friend’s mother raining curses on me.

The next day he came to the shop to know what my actual status in that house was. I had no choice but to tell him the truth; how I left home due to my mother’s hostility and how my friend offered to house me, as well as how her mother turned me into the unpaid help.

Three days after telling him my story, he came to the house and ordered me to pack. That was how I found myself living with him in his family house. I encountered another kind of' problem from his stepmother, who was a former friend of' his mother while there. She was very hostile. There was evidently no love lost between her and the children of her former friend.

Unwittingly I became involved in a battle whose origin I knew nothing. However, being a naturally hardworking and friendly person, I soon endeared myself to the woman and his father because I ensured the compound was kept clean at all times.

As time went on I got to meet the mother of my boyfriend who had relocated to another part of town. Initially, she welcomed me with open hands until I declined to accept some substances she wanted me to put in the food of her rival and husband. Since nobody witnessed what she wanted me to do for her, it was her word against mine. Besides, what would I gain by telling my man about the evil intentions of his mother? Nobody, least of all my man, understood her suddenly loathing of me. She pointedly told my man to discontinue his relationship with me but because we still lived in the family house, she couldn’t come to make trouble with us.

But the opportunity came when we moved into a place of our own and she came over to make so much trouble. I had to run back to school. My boyfriend had taken on the responsibility of sending me to school.

It was while this was on that I discovered I had fibroid. According to the medical reports the fibroid was too big for me to get pregnant.

I however kept the knowledge to myself because I did not want him to end the relationship and leave me to my predicament. All the churches, as well as the spiritual houses I visited, all pointed to the mother as being responsible for my condition since she didn’t want me and would stop at nothing to ensure I didn’t have a baby for her son.

By a stroke of good luck, God smiled on me and I got pregnant. I almost lost my life but God’s will, prevailed on the day of delivery.

However, my husband’s attitude changed towards me. Till date he doesn’t care for the baby and I; my mother-in-law hasn’t seen the baby, her first grandchild 18 months after his delivery. His father prevailed on him to formally marry me. His mother was absent.

From the grapevine, I hear my husband is seeing another woman and that she is actually pregnant for him. He doesn’t make love to me prompting me to beg him for what should rightly be my entitlement. The only time he agreed to it, I got pregnant and when I informed him, he told me to get rid of the pregnancy. When I refused, he disclaimed the pregnancy and resorted to calling me several names. He promised to make life unbearable for me and he is actually making good his threats. Most times, I don’t want him back home.

Agatha, what can I do? Do I go for an abortion for peace to reign in my home? I am really confused.

Esther.

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Dear Esther,

I know how bad marriages can affect one’s state of mind. I know more than most people about the psychological trauma of wanting a partner to stay permanently away because of the pains he or she is putting you through but I tell you, these are feelings that would go away once the person changes, they have no deep roots.

These things only form a part of our story and experiences through life and marriage. One day, they would become referrals to other women, including your children, sisters and friends going through similar challenges in their marriages.

I assure you, your problem is not peculiar to you because it is similar to what a lot of women are facing in their homes. You are certainly not alone; go and ask our mothers, fathers, friends, aunties or uncles, they would tell you the same story in different versions. We each have a cross to carry. Granted, marriages are meant to be enjoyed but we seldom have a marriage that is flawless. Each comes with its share of pains and unpleasant history.

What matters at the end of the day is how we manage this dark period. There will always be pillars of clouds as well as sunshine. Marriage is a cocktail of every experience and feelings.

Make up your mind from this early to treat this dark stage in your marital history as a necessity or intended by God to open your eyes and mind to His glory.

At the end of the day, if you are wise, you would have a deeper understanding of life as well as appreciation of God; would as a matter of fact make you know God better later in life for giving you the strength to survive moments like this one.

Don’t abort the pregnancy. Many children that eventually turn out to be their father’s favourites are mostly those whose pregnancies their fathers insisted must be aborted or denied.

For now, let him be. He would eventually change. Trust me, he hasn’t made any history by rejecting the child. He isn’t the first husband to reject a pregnancy neither would he be the last. So many men have similarly rejected pregnancies on usually flimsy grounds.

Rather than fight him or wish he never comes back home, hand over the situation to God. He has all the answers.

And for your sake, be careful where you go to for help because not everybody that proclaims the name of God is actually serving God. Praise, worship and pray for His divine intervention as well as presence in your marriage.

As for your mother-in-law, don’t fight her because one day you too will become a mother-in-law to another woman. With the help of God, she would one day come to see things your way. Even if she doesn’t, it is immaterial provided you continue to accord her the respect she deserves as the mother of your husband.

Allow God the freedom to fight your battles in every way. Unbearable as your husband’s attitude may be, continue to honour him as your head and husband.

As for the other woman, you don’t have any business with her. Your husband is your main business and remains your crown.

Please be patient. It eventually wins the battle better than fighting or nagging. Some think it is an old fashioned virtue but it is a woman’s best weapon when things are going very wrong on the home front. Take it from me, it is old time wisdom that has never failed to achieve positive results on marital battle grounds.

Good luck

Pressures From My Guardians Scare Me…

Dear Agatha,

First I want to thank you for the wonderful things you do for people through your columns.

My problem has to do with the pressures I am being subjected to by my guardians. My mother died when I was an infant and my father lost his job. I have older stepbrothers and sisters; my mother was the second wife.

Unfortunately there is nothing much to write home about my siblings. The boys are all like my father, jobless and of no good while the only girl is morally bankrupt.

My guardians are expecting so much from me, a situation that is making me very scared of the future. I don’t want to end up like my father or brothers.

Please how do I avoid being like other members of my family?

Troubled Boy.

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Dear Troubled Boy,

First by having a clear vision of what you want in life. For instance, where would you want to be in the next couple of years? You must have a development schedule to enable you plan your life.

It doesn’t matter if you are unable to meet the schedule you have set for yourself or not, what matters is that you have set in motion the wheel of your self-actualisation as a man.

To help you succeed and avoid the mistakes of your father and brothers, be close to God and have the enabling faith in Him, the kind that has the potency of changing things to favour you where others failed.

This kind of faith doesn’t happen without you first knowing the kind of God you serve. You must know the awesomeness of your God to appreciate the kind of things He can achieve in your life.

From this early, learn how to surrender to Him in all things because that is the only way you can achieve the impossible and stand tall where those before you have failed in the family.

As for your guardians, while you must never do anything to make them regret taking you in, make them aware that you are not in the position to meet all their expectations. Given the fact that they brought you up, they should exercise confidence in their training, they must believe in those qualities they planted in you to succeed in life.

Whatever happens refused to be pushed into a situation you don’t want, and always put God first in whatever you do, because it is the only way you can succeed.

Good luck.

Can I Legally Claim Her Child Before Marriage?

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the tonic you gave to people the world over. I am 38 years of age. The problem at hand is trying to send me to psychiatric home if not properly handled.

I met this lady in 2006 at a supermarket. One thing led to another, I offered her real hand of friendship and we became very close. During my relationship with her, I discovered her caring heart as well as compassion for humanity.

Two weeks into our relationship, she decided to share her past and mistakes with me. But I declined to share mine with her or the fact that I am financially comfortable.

In one of my visits to her, I even asked her to loan me some money to transport myself back home. I presented myself to her as a very poor man. I lied about being a Television and Radio repairer even though I own many businesses at Alaba International and Aspanda Markets.

Through out the period of our courtship, she didn’t have any idea of who I was until few weeks to our wedding. During our courtship, whenever I have to make oversea trips, I always tell her that I am travelling to the village to see my parents and that in my village none of the phone networks works. When she was eager to visit me at home, I took her to my friend’s one-room residence in Ajegunle.

Having satisfied myself that she was the right one for me and since we were on the verge of getting married, I decided to take her to my home at Victoria Garden City (VGC). On getting to the house, she was surprised to see her photographs everywhere as well as the fact that I actually stay in such a place.

It was at that point she also opened up to me about the child she had at 17, who was 13 years of age at the time we met in 2006.

She told me how everybody in the family abandoned her to her fate except her parents who are very poor. She managed to finish her secondary school. She later came to Lagos after the delivery of the baby to stay with her elder brother and to find something to do to help herself and child.

I told her that I love her and would still marry her. To my surprise, the man who impregnated her resurfaced to claim the child, but her family opposed on the grounds that he never paid any bride price on her.

My wife told me later that the man came because he got information that someone is seeking her hand in marriage besides the fact that four years after marriage, he and his wife are yet to be blessed with a child.

Agatha, can you kindly tell me what to do to make the child legally mine? Already, the child bears my name. I know bearing my name is not enough or the fact that my wife has warned him never to come near her or the child again. After our wedding ceremony, I voluntary gave N150,000 to my in-laws for the stress in taking care of the little child for the period of 13 years.

I will be a sad man for the rest of my life if I lose the child to this man. Before our marriage, I told my wife that I want the child to join us in Lagos, she obliged. I have enrolled her in the best private secondary school in Victoria Island.

How can someone who never bothered about the welfare of a child suddenly make a u-turn and demand for the child?

She is currently 16 years of age and will write her SS3 exams next year.

I have given her and the mother love, care and comfort. In fact, the child acknowledges me as her father.

To be sincere to myself, I have a fulfilling marriage. I have peace, love, trust, and just name it in my marriage. I really enjoy the goodies that come with marriage. My wife is everything to me from the first day I met her till date. We are happy together.

I want you and other right thinking Nigerians who have had similar experiences to advice me through this e-mail address terryteddy35@yahoo.com

Teddy.

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Dear Teddy,

Since you have a very good relationship with the child who from all indications has given you her trust and love, you will not have any problem keeping her as your child.

But there is the need for you to legally adopt the child. Get your lawyer to do the paper work. At 16, she isn’t exactly a child not to know what she wants. So, I don’t foresee any legal tangle coming from your desire to constitutionally have her as your child.

However, I want you to be certain that you are doing all these not for selfish reason, to punish a recalcitrant father, who until circumstances called for it, refused to have anything to do with his daughter.

When it comes to adoption, especially of a child who is already aware of his or circumstances, it is always advisable to put the feelings of the child into consideration. Yes, you are the only father she knows, giving her the chances as well as opportunity to reach the heights of her dreams, but it is also essential you and your wife put into view her emotional development as an individual. Like every child, a time would come in her life when she would demand for answers to issues happening around her. These questions would not be asked because she is unappreciative of you or doesn’t love you, but as a result of the natural curiosity of the young, and as time goes on from the reactions of your extended family, especially those who will never accept her full integration into the family.

Therefore, before you do the adoption thing fully, ask for her views on what she wants as well as what she thinks of her biological father. This is because the heart of the child always thirsts for the unfamiliar thing or absent parent. For the sake of posterity, give her the choice to decide on what she wants, whether she wants to go with you permanently or have the choice of going to the father when she likes.

This is because there is no denying the rights of her father in all these. Irrespective of whatever he has done in the past, he still remains her biological father, something no court can fail to acknowledge on the ground of it being an indisputable fact. What you are fighting for is what is best for the child and not a denial of the biology of the child. Don’t forget, he is coming back because he feels he has a need of his daughter in his life, especially as he doesn’t have any other child. So the bid could be made difficult if he is as determined as you for the child.

To make the bid for the child absolutely easy for you, always be one step ahead by first talking to the child and getting her consent for whatever plans you want to embark on concerning her life.

Whatever happens, the best legacy you can give this child as a father is to give her love unconditionally, never recount whatever it is you are doing f or her.

Good luck.

Blocking Intimacy With Him Boomerangs

Dear Agatha,

I am a 20-year-old girl in love with a boy who claims to love me in return. He has kept extending invitations to me to come to his house, but each time he issues such an invitation, I decline for fear of what might happen should I take him up on the invitation.

One day something happened prompting me to call him to inform him of the need for us to stay away from each other for a certain period of time. I really did that to put him to some tests on how much he loves me.

While telling him about the need for us to stay away from each other, I also told him that if God ordained both of us to be together, it would come to pass.

He protested, insisting he needs a woman he will be intimate with. There and then, I told him it was a wish I wasn’t ready to grant him.

Because of my response to his statement, he stopped talking to me on the premise that he doesn’t want to ruin whatever plans I have for myself. Till date he still doesn’t talk to me.

Agatha, does the boy truly love me, or simply lusting after me? As for me, I truly love him because he always goes out of his way to make me happy. He tells everyone who cares to listen that I am his love and wife and likes introducing me to them but due to what he said, we are no more close to each other. Now other people are coming to me for my hands in friendship, but I don’t love them the way I love this boy. This thing has been bothering my mind.

Please advise me on what to do. I have been praying over it.

Nelly.

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Dear Nelly,

At 20, there is no hurry, because your heart is still very tender and any mistake you make now is capable of derailing your future plans. It is a good thing you have made your stance on sex known to him. The mistake you made was not to have told him from the beginning what your idea of a relationship is.

You should have told him the very first time he asked you to come over to his house your reason for refusing to honour the invitation instead making up excuses. This may have angered him as well as influenced the way he is currently reacting to you. It is always best from the wee hours of a relationship for both the man and woman to tell each other the truth concerning their agenda.

Changing the tempo of the game midway into the relationship not only gives birth to misunderstanding but also destroys whatever attempt made to grow trust.

He feels you are not being sincere with him and that your refusal to come over to his place or sleep with him means you don’t love him in the way you have led him to think, or that there is someone else in your life. Had you told him from the beginning he would have since prepared his mind for a sexless relationship.

This is where you made the mistake currently tearing your relationship apart.

Having said that, don’t allow his attitude blackmail you into doing something you don’t want to do. Since he has stopped talking to you on account of what you told him, let him be. He is still hurting and disappointed at not having it his way. If his feeling for you is genuine, he would come back to apologise for treating you the way he did. He would do this out of respect for you as well as what you stand for.

Don’t make the mistake of starting something new with another person on account of what is currently happening between the two of you. Men would always come, at your age all the attention you are getting is normal.

Your mistake would be to allow these attentions get into your head or put you under unnecessary pressures.

One point you must consider in this matter is your claim of being in love with this man. True love just doesn’t vanish like that. It takes time to get over. So you need to be careful not to rush things up for yourself by going into another relationship so soon. Give your heart the chance to heal properly, get over the love you claim to have for this man to forestall regrets as well as inability to give yourself fully into your new relationship.

Scrutinise what you think you feel for this man first to be sure you even know what love is all about, and if indeed you are really in love with him. Most times what we think love is, isn’t. There are many variations of feelings between ‘like’ and ‘love’ to be certain what one feels at a particular time. If what you feel for this man is true love at all, you won’t be thinking of rushing into any relationship so soon, you will tarry a while to see if he would come back as well as to heal sufficiently from the disappointment of it all before thinking of going into another relationship.

At any rate you need the knowledge of what true love is, to help you make all the adjustments and sacrifices in your next relationship.

Good luck.

He Craves For New Girl, Says I’m Too Naïve

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend says I don’t know how to make love, so he needs another girl that can do it very well.

Please help me. I don’t want to miss him on that complaint.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

There is nothing to this relationship. Any man who tells a woman he is leaving her for another girl because she can’t make love isn’t worth her time. It shows his interest in you has and will always be on sex matter. He doesn’t love you and is simply inching to move on. Is he just realising your flaw? What efforts did he put into helping you improve?

A woman is as good in bed as the man she is with. If he were as good at lovemaking as he claims, he would have been able to teach you how to go about pleasing him. The truth is, he is only looking for an excuse to dump you and move on to other women. Even if you are acclaimed the world best lover, with this kind of man, you will still rank zero.

So, give yourself some self-esteem and allow this relationship go. There was never any relationship in the first place.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I am 28 years of age. Please link me up with a lady between the ages of 22 to 26, ready to settle down and God fearing, a lady with the right attitude as well as focus. Any interested lady should either send an SMS or call 08094489175.

Frikolas.

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Dear Agatha

I am 30 years of age from Edo State. I run an eatery business in Kaduna State. I am also a part-time HND student of Kaduna Polytechnic.

I need a graduate for a future, who must be intelligent enough to exchange business ideas with me and support me to succeed in my business, for a wife.

I have prayed for this kind of woman for nine years. Any interested woman can get in touch with me on 08059473059.

Please help me.

Victor.

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Online Romance, Religion May Deny Us My Parents’ Assent

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. I met him online. We love each other a lot. Just that he is Muslim and I’m a Christian. He lives in Sri-Lanka, while I live in Nigeria. What do we do? His parents support us, but I know my parents won’t.

He wants to come over in six months time for our engagement, but I am confused. Should I tell him to change his religion?

G. Girl.

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Dear G. Girl,

You knew all about his religion before falling in love with him. So why are you now bothered about it? Or is it that you are not sure about what you feel for this man?

Asking him to change his religion is very unrealistic and certainly doesn’t offer any meaningful solution to your religious differences. It would only serve to deceive your parents who at the end would be hurt when they discover what you have done in your desperation to marry the man you say you have fallen in love with.

Instead of trying to deceive your parents and yourself in the process, take time out to ask yourself why you are in this relationship, what you find most interesting and essential in this man?

Deep in your heart, do you think you love him unconditionally enough to let go of everything that is familiar and proud to advertise this love? Your fear about confronting your parents with his religion as well as your willingness to make him tell a lie should sound as an alarm to you. If anything at all it shows your feelings need to be subject to further scrutiny to avoid preventable mistakes in your life. Marriage is a lot more serious than you are making it out to be. For any marriage to work, it requires plenty of honesty, tolerance as well as immeasurable sacrifices.

Besides, what do you know about him, his culture, his people and their ways of life? Have you seen him, interacted with him to know for sure he is the right man for you?

Your parents’ opposition may not come from your religious differences as such, but from all the other considerations that make a marriage succeed.

The first thing for you now is to ask him to come, not to pay your bride price, but to give both of you a fair chance of sizing up your acceptability of each other.

What you have of each other is an Internet image, which could just be a puff of cloud. No viable marriage can be built on idealism; it needs plenty of bitter doses of reality to make it work.

So, get your priority right before taking that essential step. If the feeling is real and right, both of you would cross this very bridge when you get there.

Good luck.

I Want Her Against My Mother’s Stand, But…

Dear Agatha,

Please help me out of these challenges. I cannot help myself although I am a regular reader of your column. I met this lady last year in school, and we fell in love.

Even though she has been significantly instrumental to the success of the relationship, there are some critical issues confronting us as a couple.

The first has to do with my mother’s opposition to the relationship. According to my mother, being her first son, she cannot allow me to marry from outside our tribe.

Another source of worry is how the relationship has impacted negatively on my academic performance, as my GP is 2, while hers is 2.75.

Furthermore, she wants me to rent my own apartment to give her full access to me. Even though I had tried to resist it as a result of the accident my father had last year, which in a way, has affected the standard of living in my family, she is still very determined to make sure I do as she says. Her pressure is beginning to affect me. The only way I can move on in the banking industry is to have good grades.

Since the commencement of my relationship with her, my academic status has depreciated. I sincerely want to leave her, but don’t know how. She has made up her mind on marrying and spending the rest of her life with me whatever the reactions of my mother towards her may be. Meanwhile she is also in the same level with me.

Please what can I do?

Dafe.

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Dear Dafe,

How is the relationship affecting your academic concentration? Is it that she doesn’t give you the time to read or that you are unable to make the distinction between how much time to devote to your studies and other things?

Sincerely speaking, you are your own problem. If you know the reasons for your being in that school, you won’t give her any chance to upturn your life in the way you claim she is doing. As a man, you must be able to dictate the pace of a relationship. If your studies were important enough to you, you would know how appropriately to divide your time between your business in that school and the pleasure of the flesh.

Whatever is happening to you now as well as in this relationship comes from your weakness as a man as well as lack of clear focus on the things that are most important to you.

Having realised the danger you put your future to, it isn’t too late to re-order your priority. Begin by sitting her now and telling her precisely what you think of her demands that you get a place of your own. Let her understand that you don’t have that kind of money and that for someone who wants to share in your life, you expect her to be more understanding of the extra financial pressures your father’s accident has placed on your shoulders.

Also discuss the problems you are having with your academic performance as a result of all the pressures she is putting on you. Make her understand that if both of you desire a fulfilled future she has to learn to accept and live with you on what you can provide for now, else she has the choice of quitting the relationship.

The danger of you constantly trying to please her is giving her false hopes about your ability and when it gets to the point of you not being able to cope again, you risk losing her to another person who has better chances of coping with her demands.

So, make up your mind now on what you want from life, because with this type of girl there is no telling what she is capable of doing later in life. There is no way you can continue to give or keep what you don’t have. Let her know you cannot afford those things she is demanding. To continue to give her the impression that you can is to postpone doom’s day and make yourself utterly miserable at the end of it all.

A wise man knows when to quit all pretenses with a woman. You are at that vital point in your life. If you don’t train her to live within your means now by allowing her the freedom to force her will on you, you may never be able to control her demands. The ball is in your court so make up your mind as well as the boldness to do what you have to do to avoid the greater calamity of jeopardising your future.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

I want to say God will reward you as you solve many problems for us.

I am a chartered accountant. I hail from Abeokuta, Ogun State. I am 45 years old. I work and live in Lagos State.

I am single and ready to marry any lady between the ages of 35-45 years. I am 5.90'' tall, chocolate black in complexion and handsome. Would appreciate if a lady, who is single, divorce and widow without kids between the ages of 35-45 years gets in touch with me. She must be working or have a business of her own as well as ready to settle down. An interested lady, who fits into the bill, can contact me on any of these phone numbers: 08059415060 or 07040915301.

Abiola Jackson.

Ancestral Curse: We Live In Poverty Despite His Fat Job

Dear Agatha,

I have been married for a while. My first child is an undergraduate at the Lagos State University while my last child is in primary five at a private school.

Since marrying my husband, I have never received a kobo from him by way of allowance or feeding money like other married women get from their men.

Ours wasn’t a long courtship. As a matter of fact, we got married within five months of meeting. We had to rush through the process of marriage when I became pregnant with our first child in the first two months of knowing each other.

I come from very strict Christian background and my parents, especially my father, would have killed me had he any inkling into what I had been up to. He was then, and still, a respected member of the Deeper Life Church.

Besides my parents, our church’s doctrine on dating and relationship was very rigid. My husband and I weren’t expected to exchange visits without chaperons not to talk of being alone. Well, knowing how determined the heart of lovers can be, we circumvented them all and slept with each other before our wedding night. We had to lie about a foreign posting that would keep him in that country for three years to get a quick date to prevent everyone knowing about my state. Since the church policy include low profile wedding, we didn’t have much problems organising the wedding.

We had to tell this lie to protect our parents and prevent us from being expelled from the church. We also lied about the baby’s actual date when born. We claimed the baby was born premature.

A preview of what my wedding life would look like came the next day when I asked for money to fend for his family members and mine that stayed over after the wedding ceremony. He told me to use my money to fend for them. For the three days they stayed, I alone catered for them. Three members of his family stayed back and now live with us.

They were initially staying with his elder brother whose wife refused the responsibility of caring for them. To avoid being labelled a bad wife, I had to take up the challenge of housing and educating them. But the cost of things is getting more prohibitive everyday. They want to further their studies to the university. I can’t cope with the financial demands of training them through the university especially as my business isn’t as lucrative as before.

Besides, I am building a house because our landlord is becoming a problem. This is in addition to the fact that we have spent our entire married life in the same compound. Though it’s a three-bedroom affair, but the shame is becoming too much for me to tolerate. Imagine spending 20 years in the same place!

I have since resigned myself to fate but what I find most unfair is my husband’s attitude, he is insisting I train his siblings or leave his house. What he does with his money, I don’t know. He has a good job but you cannot fathom what he does with it, because even most his clothes are shabby. To cover my shame, I sometime go out of my way to buy him clothes.

Severally I have tried sitting him down to know what the problem is as I know he isn’t sending money to his parents since they still live in the same abject poverty I met them.

The strange thing is that his brother is exactly like him. His wife is suffering the same things I am going through. As a bank manager, his brother cannot boast of a plot of land.

My parents have since washed their hands off him because he is rude and very temperamental. He has also stopped attending church. He neither smokes nor drinks, but I know in my spirit that something is very wrong with their family. There is no member of his family that is progressing even though they all have very good job.

In addition to him insisting I train his siblings, how do I prevent my children from inheriting what seems like a family curse? Out of frustration, I left the Deeper Life Church for The Redeemed Christian Church of God.

Please advice me on how to go about the numerous problems I face in my marriage. Much as I want to pack up my marriage, I am afraid of what my family would say.

Jibike.

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Dear Jibike,

First you have to go to God to ask for forgiveness for the lies you told the church at the beginning of your married life to get a quick date for the wedding and to cover the actual age of the baby at birth.

Yours is the typical example of why an intending couple should date for a considerate length of time before getting married. Had you taken the time to properly study your man instead of getting in between the sheets with him, you would have known what type of man you were marrying as well as the type of family you were marrying into.

It is too late in the day to pack it up. If it is any consolation, it is good thing the matter isn’t peculiar to your husband alone in the family. Since it runs through them all, you should find a way of getting the parents and everyone else in the family involved in finding the solution.

First you have to investigate the reason the family is into the problem. Your best starting point is your parents’ in-law. Being in the family for 20 years has given you the right to demand for forthright answers.

Ask them what they know about the conditions of their family, why all the children seem to be having similar problem and why they seem unperturbed about it. Demand to know what they are doing about the situation of their children.

The truth is problems like these don’t just happen without a reason. For it to be reoccurring is an indication that something is really wrong with the foundation of the family. If the children are ignorant, they can’t claim to too. So ask them what they know especially if their extended family members are making progress.

Knowing the source or the problems would enable you know the angle to direct your prayers to. But before you start asking questions you have to fortify yourself with prayers and fasting, because what you are about to face is a spiritual warfare. If you know you lack the spiritual power to confront the problem, ask your pastor and prayer warriors to back you up with support, because you will definitely come under spiritual attack. Depending on what the pastor thinks, the whole family may have to go for deliverance, backed up with fasting and prayers.

As for your husband’s siblings, you have done the major work of sending them to secondary school. If you can afford to finish what you have started by paying their university fees, do it. But if you can’t, help them get something to do. It is the least you can do for them to ensure they are useful to themselves and society. Don’t abandon them completely as a result of your husband’s attitude. Sincerely, you do have a reason to but ignore your husband and do the best you can for these children.

By now you should be used to your husband’s way, having lived with him for two decades.

Rather than waste energy worrying about mundane things, hand him over to God in prayers. Tell God to remould him into the type of husband you desire in him, because there is nothing beyond God. All you have to do is to trust him because even if you keep changing churches, without the essential trust in God, nothing major would happen in your marriage.

God that has stood by you all these years is not about to leave you now to suffer. He would always make ways where there seems to be none. I appreciate how frustrating and painful your experiences are, but be assured all these would one day become a thing of the past.

To help you go on, pause and take a stock of all that God has done for you. Look at your children and how priceless they are. Can money buy any of them? Definitely not! So stop worrying and give God the glory for His mercies. Always remember this; patience is the only thing that never fails.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

I am David, 27 years of age; need a sincere lady from any part of the country. Any interested lady should call or text me on 08057276371, no beeping please, or should e-mail me on, ••princedave4u2004@yahoo.com••

David.

I Urgently Need To Get Better Look

Dear Agatha,

Please I have oily skin, pimples and spots. In less than two months I will be getting married. Please recommend cleansers and creams that will help me improve on my looks.

Worried Bride to Be.

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Dear Worried Bride To Be,

I cannot recommend creams for you here, because I don’t know your précised skin type as well as the reasons for your break out. It might be best for you to see a dermatologist.

But one thing I would tell you is to invest on good cleansers after you have seen a dermatologist. Also ensure you eat plenty of fruits and vegetable because a lot of time some of our skin problems come from what we eat and caring for the outer skin alone in most cases don’t really clear the problems.

For your wedding day, ask a cosmetologist for help. There are very good concealers that would cover up all your blemishes making you radiant on your special day.

Good luck.

Body Odour Is No Incurable Disease

Dear Agatha,

God bless you for the great job you are doing for humanity.

Referring to the article on body odour, you have said it all. I just want to send my piece of modest advice, which works for me.

In addition to what you have said, she should use original medicated soap like Tura soap, which I use. She should ensure it is mildly wet and rub it thoroughly under her armpit, allowing it stay for about five minutes prior to having her shower. After her shower, she should rub it again under armpit to supplement cream. It is very effective if she could get the original one.

Ca.

Before Her Cold Attitude Sends Me Packing…

Dear Agatha,

I read your articles and I must say you have been doing a wonderful job, more grease to your elbows. I am 26 years of age, dating a lady, 24. I love her so much, but I am having a little problem with her, making doubt her love for me. The issue is, she finds it difficult to create room for communication, especially when we are apart.

I have tried as much as I can to talk to her about it, but each time I do, she always tells me her battery is flat and she doesn’t have my number by hand. She promised to change when I once told her not to give me that excuse again. However, after that she travelled for three days without calling me. I tried to call her, but her phone was switched off, as if that was not enough, when she came back, she didn’t bother to call me.

When I went to her office and she saw me, she rushed to hug me, but I ignored her. I told her my reason for coming was primarily to find out if she is back since I was very worried about her.  I left after telling her my reason for coming.

Agatha, the truth of the matter is that she was dating someone when I met her. Though she told me she wasn’t in love with the guy, but going by her attitude, I am confused about and don’t know what to think anymore. I really need your advice on what to do, because as it stands now, I have been rejecting her calls and even told her not to bother disturbing me again.

Smart.
 

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Dear Smart,

The bit about her not calling you often is still something you can both manage and work at, because many of us are still battling ignorant about the potency of effective communication in a relationship.

However, she erred terribly by not telling you she has returned from her trip.

In all, it still doesn’t say much about her feelings for you, which is why you must approach this issue with caution and wisdom to avoid making a hurried decision.

Until the point you went to her office to find out if she is okay, she may not really appreciate why she must call you as often as you want her to do. But you attitude must have communicated something to her for her to be calling you as she is doing now. It shows that she cares and isn’t willing to lose you.

This is the time for you to make her comprehend your position on this matter. Accept her call and demand for a meeting. In most cases, this I have found out from very personal experience, people who are not in the habit of calling others don’t think anything is wrong if those special persons in their lives don’t call too. They just accept it as part of life because they are not used to calling others.

So getting worked up over the matter won’t change a thing except to make her understand the negative thoughts it is conjuring in your head about her sincerity to you.

Let her understand how you really feel and how you think she is dating another man as well as the possibility of using you as a fall back plan should anything go wrong in her other relationship.

Also demand to know how she would feel if you not only stop calling her, but decide to be very indifferent to her? Once you stop playing up the issue of her refusal to call and concentrate on all the other implications of her cold attitude, she would be forced to have a rethink. Let her know how you felt coming to her office and meeting her there while you were worried all the time about her safety. To drive home your point, ask her, how she would feel or think if you were the one that did that to her or not calling her.

Telling her in clear terms that you think her attitude has to do with someone else in her life has the ability to either make her sit up or collapse the relationship entirely.

Whatever happens, it is best you both have a discussion first.

Good luck.

I’m Not Ready, Yet He’s Anxious

Dear Agatha,

I am a girl of 24 years of age and a 400 Level undergraduate. I have been in a relationship with a man for four years. I really like him a lot despite all the problems we are having as a couple. He is a Muslim while I am of the Catholic faith. Initially, our religious differences didn’t present a problem to both of us until I informed my parents about his religion.

Recently, I met another man, though a Christian but not a Catholic. He is very mature prompting a deep likeness for him inside of me. His presence created problems with my first boyfriend as my love for him just fizzled out.

This new guy is ready for marriage, he is 34 year old, but I want to be a graduate and get a job before talking about marriage. I have a phobia for being a full-time housewife, not having a career, dependent on my spouse for everything. I have this feeling that the man would begin to misbehave if he is the only one paying all the bills. I have tried to convince him but he wants to be married between now and early next year.

Besides, I don’t know if his age would bother me, though he doesn’t carry it around him and I don’t know if I am making a mistake about him. Don’t get me wrong, we love each other, but I feel as if I am slowing him down and he is hasting me up in this quest for marriage.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

Marriage isn’t an institution you go into without adequate preparation or reasonable knowledge of the person you hope to spend the rest of your life with. To do that is to end up getting hurt and enduring a union which God intended you to enjoy.

What do you know about this man; his temperament, attitude, disposition as well as thinking to make you want to marry him? Besides, what do you understand by love in the first place? Isn’t his insistence that you both marry now an indication that both of you still need plenty of time to study each other? That you both don’t have the same desires? Frankly, it is a warning sign to both of you to tread softly in your quest to marry. For instance, marriage on his timetable means having children because at his age he seems to be under pressure to be like some of his mates who have settled and are having children. Whereas, at 24, your need appear very different from him. You want to finish your education, do your compulsory national service and have a job before thinking of getting married. Your dreams are world apart and unless you both have the zeal, confidence as well as honesty to face and address the challenges, the attendant frustration of following in your individual dreams would end up instigating the collapse of the union.

Having made up your mind that you can’t be a full-time housewife, any man who attempts to make you one would end up becoming your enemy after a while especially on those occasions he either denies you a request or behaves in a way you think is necessitated by your being a full-time housewife. In such an arrangement, you will never be completely happy, even if the man is faultless. The death of your childhood dream will always stand as the albatross of the union.

On the other hand, he too would never be absolutely happy if you keep him waiting because he has also worked himself into believing that marriage is now for him. From his stance, he clearly doesn’t have the patience and time to wait for you to do all those things you have lined up because his mind appears made up by the deep thirst he feels for matrimony.

Therefore both of you are dragging at the rope of your happiness at the opposing ends. Unless a sort of compromise is negotiated, one devoid of selfishness but with plenty of understanding as well as an attitude of enduring sacrifice, it would be very difficult for both of you to operate as a couple.

There is also the little concern of you being comfortable with the 10 years age gap between the two of you as well as the major matter of his presentation. There is no way you can hope to be proud of your husband or comfortable in his company if you have an issue with his age or appearance. Chances are you would begin to misbehave especially when a mischievous mind makes a reference to it. You have to first be at peace with the choice you have made to be able to defend it. Do you think you have what it takes to laugh and defend this age differences between the two of you?

So before you agree to his proposal and time, there is the need for both of you to iron out these grey areas with all the honesty they deserve to forestall the calamity that comes from a hasty and ill-thought out marriage proposal. Don’t allow him hasten you into a situation you are not prepared for even if you think you love him. Situations come up in marriage which love alone cannot sustain it.

More often than not, a crack in marriage needs more than the power of love to mend. Most times, it takes a determination fuelled by knowledge of what a marriage entails, acceptance of the choice one has made, and a thorough understanding of friendship to make it work. You must be absolutely comfortable with the choices before you to have an enduring marriage and sure of your feelings.

To be candid, you need time away from these two men to think clearly. There is no way you can think with the two of them hanging around you. This is one time you need to be alone to make a clear and viable choice for your future. And being alone means anchoring it on God through prayers. It would do you a world of good to trust God completely on this issue. Listen to what He tells you to do because you are also at your most vulnerable emotionally.

Good luck.

I Don’t Trust My Wife

Dear Agatha,

I am an elderly man, in my late 60s, blessed with children who are all graduates and married as well as a sizeable number of grandchildren. I’m also a one-time widower and now re-married to one of the most remarkable women I have ever met. She too has been married before and has two children from her previous marriage. She is not only intelligent but very pretty and accommodating and unfortunately, these qualities that endear her to me are the very same threatening me.

The few of my friends who have seen her are envious of my good fortune at meeting such a remarkable woman who from all indices has what it takes any day and time to hold her own as well as make her man very happy.

One would have thought with my experiences in life, having stayed with a woman for over 30 years before losing her to death, I would be better equipped to deal with any situation I find myself in with a woman.

I have however discovered to my dismay that no matter how old one is, there is always a lesson somewhere for one to learn.

Agatha, I just want to unburden my heart and hope in the process some of the guilt I feel at the way I am treating this young woman I know God specifically brought my way would lessen.

In some strange ways I find it difficult to part with money or time for her. It isn’t something I want to do but I find myself doing it and from all that says to me, I know I am hurting her. In some morbid way, I want to see how far she can endure with me.

Honestly, she hasn’t ever given me any reason to doubt her but I think like all other women her interest in me has to do with money and not love. I can’t imagine a very pretty woman and one so comfortable opting for me if not because of money.

Frankly, I enjoy her company, love her with my entire heart because she has succeeded in bringing to the fore all the hidden hopes and emotions that died in me following the death of my late wife.

I sincerely want to spend the rest of my life with her but how do I stop hurting and learn to trust her? I am beginning to be afraid that if I continue to be this cruel to her, she would do what I fear the most, pack up the relationship for good. Already, she is beginning to complain about the way I neglect her.

Agatha, judging by your photograph on your **Sunday Independent** column, I know you are younger, in fact, of the same age with my current wife, but I have come with a sense of urgency for you to provide an old man with the wisdom to manage his latter years successfully.

I love my wife but I have seen and dealt with a lot of women in my time to trust any woman completely.

Smith.

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Dear Smith,

I am glad that you know you are hurting an innocent woman who from all indications must love you sufficiently to take on the responsibility of caring and managing older stepchildren as well as numerous grandchildren.

A lot of women would shy away from it all considering the attendant problems associated with taking on older stepchildren who may or may not decide to accept any woman in the place of their mother.

If she is my age that responsibility is huge and must come from a heart that is loaded with love and trust for the man she has decided to spend the rest of her life with.

This is so because from your own admission, the attraction isn’t money induced. If you admit being stingy with your money and time when it concerns her, then you need to treat her with care else you lose a special gift God indeed decided to bless you with in your old age.

From what you have said so far, her decision couldn’t have been based on any material consideration but true love for you.

To help yourself understand why you are hurting an innocent person, take a retrogressive look into your past. What kinds of women were you involved with while your wife was still alive and after her death? Were they the kind of women who flocked around you as a result of money and other material considerations? Chances are they were for you to have developed this kind of behaviour and come to such conclusions that she must be after the money which ironically she doesn’t know you have since you have refused to part with any.

In the interest of this marriage as well as your well-being, it is important you find a way of burying whatever disappointments you had with all the women you got yourself entangled in, in the past to avoid you having painful regrets in your old age. You must be very lucky for God to have decided to bless you with this kind of woman so, don’t on account of whatever unpleasant experiences you had in the past allow her to slip out of your hands.

At your age, this is the time you need a woman the most in your life, someone to give you peace, companionship, care as well as friendship. These are the things you need to live a fulfilled life at your age, things money or just anybody cannot give you.
If you end up driving her away, you may be the worst for it because this is the age at which you need the presence of a companion the most. Very soon, all the children would be pre-occupied with their own families and may not have the time for you as they would have wished. Don’t hesitate to discuss your worries and fears with her, whatever the issues may be either from your past or with her in particular. She needs to know to be able to offer help as well as know what adjustments she has to make to integrate trust in your relationship.

You must learn to trust the person you see to be happy. This woman may not be 100 per cent perfect but from the little you have said about her, she is trying her best and would require your help to be what you want her to be.

By getting rid of the burdens of your past experiences, you will find it a lot easier to trust her.

She hasn’t done anything wrong to warrant your distrust of her. Give her all the chance to make you happy. If she is beginning to complain, it means what you are doing to her has already made her reconsider her decision to marry you, wonder what she has done to warrant your cruel treatment of her and possibly at the wisdom in her decision to marry you.

When a woman gets to this point in her thoughts; her husband risks losing her respect as well as her commitment to issues that concern him. This is not necessarily by having an affair but by withdrawing into her shell and refusing to give her best to him any more.

This is becoming the bane of most marriages whether young or old, the reason a lot of women are opting for single parenthood. Whatever your challenges are as a man, please for the sake of your happiness and well-being, discuss them with her and stop making her feel she made the worst kind of decision getting involved with you again.
Also learn to pray more than you have always done to make this marriage happy.

Good luck.

I’m Finished, My Son Impregnates My Daughter

Dear Agatha,

I am finished. I don’t know where to turn to or what to do anymore. The children I have devoted my entire life serving have decided to be the cause of my destruction.

Seventeen years ago, my husband and I went our different ways. Being such an irresponsible man, I took away with me the three children of the marriage. He didn’t bother to come after us, and no any member of his family did too. According to his mother, they would see how far I went with the training of the children. His mother never liked me from the very first moments she first saw me.

She didn’t hesitate to tell the son that I wasn’t the kind of wife she had in mind for him. Because I was already pregnant at the time, the son had no choice but to go ahead with the wedding plans we had both put in place.

On the day of our wedding the mother came in very late and didn’t bother to hide her displeasure at all. When it was time for her to take photographs with us, she announced to anyone who cared to listen that the marriage wouldn’t last. Hence needless for her to waste her time posing for photographs.

She gave me a very tough time all the way. She simply moved in with us; there was nothing I could do but to accept the situation since my husband appeared submissive to the mother in all things.

We had our children in quick succession, something the mother couldn’t complain about. Our first son arrived five months after our wedding, while our only daughter came 14 months after the birth of her brother. Our last child, also a boy came 13 months after the birth of his sister prompting the mother to ask if all I do is to lure my husband into bed to make babies.

After that only God knows what she told or did to her son, because his whole attitude changed towards me. He became very violent refusing to give us money for feeding.

It got so bad, I had to engage myself in petty trading at home since my mother-in-law refused to take charge of the children to enable me look for work.

When the suffering, violence and neglect became too much, friends and family members advised me to leave him.

I had to leave when his mother too joined in beating me.

Initially my elder sister offered us refuge, but when the pressures of fending for four mouths became too much for her, she gave us money to rent a place of our own, a mini flat as well as some money for me to begin trading with. I knew our presence was causing trouble between her and her husband.

But for her support, things would have been very tough for me because she took over the payment of our rent as well as providing funds for us whenever we needed anything. Being her only sibling, she never left me on my own.

For the 17 years we have been on our own, I have gone from one job to the other all for the purpose of ensuring my children never lacked.

And just when I thought I had done a good job of raising my children, I found out that my eldest son and daughter have been sleeping with each other to the point of the sister getting pregnant for her brother.

The worst of it all is the refusal of any doctor to perform an abortion on her. The two doctors we consulted said they couldn’t do it because it could jeopardize her life.

At the church, where the prophesy of her pregnancy first came, I was warned not to attempt aborting the pregnancy and not to reprimand my children because what happened was manipulated to humiliate me as well as terminate the lives of my daughter and son, who out of guilt at the death of his sister would also commit suicide. The funny thing is that they claim not to recollect how it all started and how often they do it. Already both of them are manifesting suicide tendencies. Last week, I caught my daughter with some drugs she had intended taking to end her life, while my son is ever so quiet I don’t know what to do to get through to him.

The issue now is how to face the world with the news that my daughter is pregnant for my son? What do I tell their father and his family who even though are responsible for this mess would still make me pay for it?

I don’t know where else to go Agatha!

Desperate Mother.

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Dear Desperate Mother,

In times like this when the world seem to be dancing a macabre on what appears to be one’s grave of life, the only place to turn to is the house of God who in His wisdom sees, knows and does all things to please and honour His name.

There is no other place more assuring to be, but in His presence. Remember He can do all things and has the absolute authority over our situations as well as the unseen powers that fight us.

Remind Him that nothing in your situation or those that your children find themselves in would honour His name and that He should step in, in the only way He knows to wipe away your tears of pains and humiliation at this development.

This is the time to trust Him completely and not to take powers into your own hands. For this to have happened, it is either you went too far away from the presence of God or He is planning something to demonstrate His awesomeness to everyone concerned.

Either way, don’t ever leave His side, because this is the time you need Him more than ever before. It is also the time to get your pastor to stand in gap for you. He should join you in prayers of intercession as well as agreement.

I know how dreadful periods like this can be when it seems the world is against you. If you are not strong in the lord, this is the time one makes the most mistakes from the different advises that come your way. To help yourself stay under the authority of God, don’t discuss this with too many people.

The less pressure you put on these children as well as yourself the better for all concerned. This is to avoid the attendant talks and mockery that come with all these as well as the social condemnation your children would face if the news spread around. Since your daughter is already manifesting suicidal tendencies, chances are if she confronts rejection and mockery from those around her, she would do something more drastic. So keeping quiet about this is more for the protection of the sanity of your children. Talk only to those you know are concerned and are ready to offer you meaningful help.

For now, send your son to a trusted family member to cool off for a while, someone who will offer him quiet support without being harsh or condemning. His deadpan quietness is a sign that mentally, he isn’t stable and capable of doing anything dangerous to himself. The stage is far too gone for regrets because the act has been committed. As their mother, your concern should shift from your humiliation to how best you can navigate them from this whole mess.

At this point, nobody matters; your in-laws or husband can say or do what they like. At this critical point, what they do or say isn’t as important as helping your children spiritually and physically come out of this with the most minimal problems. This should be your major concern not people who abandoned you with the children for all these 17 years waiting for you to fail and fall so that they can laugh at you.

If you have the means, it might best to send him out of the country, away from his sister as well. Discuss this option with your elder sister. In sending him away, let him know, you are not condemning him but giving him an opportunity to begin life afresh without the burden of guilt and condemnation from the society. The good thing about youths is that they have a lot of time on their side, hence are able to get over issues like this quicker than the elderly ones. With prayers on your part, he will come to live a normal life again.

As for your daughter, if you still have a mother or a trusted aunty, send her there to quietly have the baby while you all consider the possibility of putting the baby up for adoption. Rather than keep a child you will never be happy with, that will always remind you of a time you want to forget, give the baby to a couple who really need it, who will grow the child as their own, who will be happy to have the child. It could be the purpose of God in all these. Ask God to personally direct you to the couple He wants you to give the baby to, because He works in ways you and I can’t see or understand.

Giving the baby up for adoption would not only give your daughter the chance to live a normal life again, but solve the problem of having to explain the identity of the child.

Spiritually, there is the need for both of your children to go through the process of deliverance to cleanse them from the spiritual implications of a brother and sister sleeping together.

And as a mother, there is the need for you to pay more attention spiritually and physically to the welfare of the children, because in a way, you also are to blame for this mess. You were too busy looking for money to have time for the children; else you would have seen the signs spiritually or physically.

As a mother, you are to stay on the alert for your children at all times.

Challenges with in-laws are best fought and achieved on the knees praying for God’s direction at all times.

Good luck.

Courage To Woo Her Not Forthcoming

Dear Agatha,

I really need your advice on how to go about this issue bothering my mind. There is this lady who has been my friend in the last one month. We are just beginning to know each other. In between this period, I have developed a kind of interest for her, because of the way she is, but don't know how to approach and tell her what I have in mind.

Since I have known her, I have never asked for her phone number, but managed to have it anyway, though I haven’t given her a call yet. The major challenge now is how to approach her with my feelings before someone else does.

Expectant Guy.

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Dear Expectant Guy,

Since you and this lady already have a communication line, invite her out for either lunch or dinner to enable both of you relax sufficiently for what you have in mind.

After eating, tell her what you have in mind. Make it very clear to her that at the time you met her, the intention wasn’t to propose romantic relationship with her.

At this juncture, highlight all the qualities you discovered in her, ones you have always desired in your dream woman. Assure her from the beginning that your intentions are honourable and you have no intention of taking advantage of your familiarity with her to lure her into something she doesn’t want to do.

Once you tell her, allow her the freedom of making up her mind as well as the assurance that whatever happens, it would not affect the friendship you have started with her.

If nothing else, telling him would have saved both of you any future regret at not taking hold of a presented opportunity.

Whatever the case may be ensure your feelings and motives are honest, because this is what would count the most at the end of the day.

Good luck.

Tired Nurturing Our Union Alone While He Does Nothing

Dear Agatha,

I have been in this relationship for two years now. But for some months now, I have been having my doubts as to whether this relationship is really worth it, because it is one-sided.

Although from the outset, he told me he has never been the calling and caring type and that is why his previous relationships never lasted more than three months.

He did promise to change, but two years down the road, he still hasn’t changed. Thrice I have tried to end the relationship, but somehow we keep making up.

I am tired of the whole routine of breaking up and making up with him as well as his promises to work on himself and doing nothing about it. The question now is, should I still hang on, be patient and keep trying or move on without him.

I honestly do love him with all my heart, but he is not reciprocating, and that hurts real badly. Please help me. He's 26 years of age while I am 22.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

That he told you from the beginning should have prepared you for this. There is no way he can give you something he doesn’t have even if he promised to change. He was at least very honest with you about his nature. If nothing else give him that credit, because not everyman would do what he did. It shows, to an extent, that he cares for you, perhaps not in the way you expect him to, but he does.

We are all unique and can’t be expected to do or respond to issues or challenges in the same way. Like him, you also have your own faults. If he isn’t complaining about yours, you must find a way too to manage his, because in the real sense that is the essence of us having a relationship.

Over time, he would change but the type of changes you want or desire in him cannot happen at the speed you want it.

It would take a lot of sacrifices as well as gentle persuasion on your part to get him to make that little change.

The best way to handle someone like this as well as stop you from getting hurt is to ignore this side of him. However, it would help a great deal if you love him as much as you say. Being in love helps a relationship overcome basic problems like the one you are having with your boyfriend.

If you have been able to tolerate him for two years, it means there is something he is doing right. This is the point to look critically at. Those things that have been able to hold the two of you together despite all odds, and the anger you feel at his attitude towards you.

Can you remember even when angry what his special qualities are? Those things he has that no other man has been able to give you? Overtime, with the right attitude and priority, his shortcomings may not be as important anymore to you as it is now, once your mind is made up to move the relationship forward.

One added advantage of ignoring him is the reduced tension in the relationship. No longer would valuable time, which otherwise could have been spent growing the relationship go into defending or arguing over an issue that may never be realised in the relationship.

Sincerely, issues like this help a couple to determine as well as gauge the strength of their feelings for each other. Once both of you are able to move beyond this point, it underscores the essence of your love for each other as well as the sacrifices you are willing to make for the survival of your emotions.

The danger of ending a relationship without first looking at all the factors critically is the regrets that usually follow such hasty decisions. Whether you like it or not, there are no guarantees that the next one would be perfect. Being an institution operated by humans there are bounds to be problems arising from different ideologies towards life as well as orientations. Solution isn’t in going from one relationship to another, but in staying to make an exciting one work well.

If you indeed love this man, learn to be more tolerant of his attitude towards you as well as think of ways to help him grow to be more appreciative of your peculiarities as a woman. Most times, patience and tolerance are all that is needed to win a game convincingly.

However, if your mind is made up leaving on account of his refusal to call you as often as you would love him to, don’t delay it any further, else you both end up hurting each other more than necessary.

Good luck.