I'm Dying For A Club Girl

Dear Agatha,

It is extremely painful having to share this with you, but I need help. In 2007, I met my girlfriend in a club house. Because of the feelings I have for her, I counselled her to stop patronising the club and that I would do whatever it takes to make her happy. My intention was to make her feel 'wanted' and as well a woman of honour among her friends.

Little did I know that I was digging my own grave! She didn't stop and so was persisted in sleeping with any man who does as much as smile at her even though she comes around me.

I went to her graduation party where she gave me the disgrace of my life. In her room, unknown to me was her latest catch. Because of him, she completely ignored me. I got really angry and slapped her for treating me in that manner, a development that made her new catch and I fight. That night, she left to sleep with him while I spent the night in her hostel room on my own.

The funny thing is that I still love her. What do I do?

Andrew.

 

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Dear Andrew,

Some love stories are more of painful sacrifices than good feelings. If you want this girl desperately in your life, you must be prepared to tolerate and endure emotional pains as well as torture till she is ready to see things your way.

From what you have said, it would be a pure waste of time to tell you not to continue to love her. Besides, some kinds of love are meant to happen outside the scale of norms. Yours is a typical example of falling in love outside standard procedure.

Trust me, this isn't going to be the usual bed of roses, no, this would come with all the hard thorns that would not only pierce your skin but perforate your blood vessels in the process of breaking and mending her. And violence is certainly off limit. You cannot convince her to stay or make her change her mind when you violate her person physically.

Whatever her offence may be, you didn't have to slap her. It was very wrong of you especially as you are trying to reform her ways. Your action is also a bit worrisome in that it showcases you as a man lacking in self-control as well as unsure of himself.

To lead a woman, a man must be self-assured, calm and calculated, like a panther. A more assured man would have calmly studied his opponent with all the niceties in the world before walking away from the scene.

That you didn't show you may not have what it takes to bend this particular difficult iron. Before taking on this, there is the need for you to ask yourself what precisely you like the most about her. This would help you stay focused in times of pains and dejection like the one you are currently facing with her.

You also have to work out a time frame, a reasonable period of transition for her. This is because until the point you met her, she was free to do as she pleased. She was only accountable to herself and her desires. It would take a while for her to learn how to submit herself to the orders of any man as well as conduct herself in a relationship that is not money or sex induced.

Therefore, you must be willing to give her transit without applying undue pressure on her. You allow her time to grow of her own freewill into the relationship because you are the one who wants her to change. Remember, she still doesn't see anything wrong with her lifestyle or in what she is doing. You are the one who has the desire as well as the dreams of making her yours by ensuring she abandons her known way of life. You are also the one who has the opinion that her ways are wayward and unbefitting.

She doesn't have such qualms about her lifestyle. So time must be given for fusing your very diverse ways of thinking to enable your way of reasoning make meaning to her.

This is why you must be careful; develop the patience of a teacher in a kindergarten class. Until she sees reason with you, you cannot afford to be too hostile, pushy or intimidating. Once you lose patience, you are not providing her with any reason to change because in her current world, men court her with money for the privileges you want free of charge. This is a stark reality you must never lose sight of if you want her by your side.

Again, you have to think of your ability to cope with the social stigma associated with having something permanent with a club girl. This is the vital issue you must munch over and over again before you take a firm decision. Can you tolerate the attendant embarrassment all the time or the sharp opinions of people on the matter of your sanity at going for a woman many would definitely consider morally bankrupt.

Before you go far, what are you going to tell your parents? Do you have the stamina to resist their attack and opposition? Can you endure the possibility of your entire family isolating you on account of the woman you married?

Would you be able to endure the attitude of some of your friends who may assume because of her past history can be available to them if their offer is right?

Besides, having met her in the club, you must also consider the possibility of running into other men who were her former clients who still nurse the ambition of getting close to her. What do you think your actions would be? Would you be tempted at such occasions to beat her up or consider it as one of those things and continue as before? Would you have the maturity and understanding to see it as one of the many sacrifices we make for love? Would you ever be able to trust her, not always thinking her capable of going back to her old ways? Do you have the resources to make her happy at least until she indicates interest in settling down with you?

Frankly, this woman may not present as much problems as you are capable of generating in this relationship in the sense if you are able to overlook certain things, tolerate any situation her past presents, give of yourself unconditionally and selflessly, trust with the innocence of a child, it would be almost impossible for you to stay with this woman.

Continue with her if your male ego can withstand the initial many humiliations and competitions you would encounter with her. Stay with her, if deep down you see the priceless gem in her, which everybody around her is currently blind to.

One way you can help her is not to begin on the premise of a relationship. You must first befriend her as an understanding friend, one who is interested in her person and not her body. This is the only way to earn her trust, to tell her that you have something different to offer her, the type of love she has never experienced in life.

Make her crave for you and your company by finding out what she likes as a person, why she went into what she is doing and telling her you understand her reasons even if you don't support them.

Help her to realise the inherent dream she gave up for this type of lifestyle. A journey through her past, her innocent years would help in no small way in moulding how she sees herself from this point.

The essence of you being her friend is also to make her path ways with some of her club friends. This is something you have to do without her catching in on your motive, since she could rebel against the idea of you trying to take over her life completely.

Before she became a club girl, she had dreams, telling her those dreams are not dead and can be resurrected if she has the determination, could help begin to think and have hope in herself again. Many times, women who opt for that lifestyle do it due to the pressures or circumstances they find themselves and not because they enjoy it. They only pretend to enjoy it out of fear of going back to the world that has become hostile to them due to their lifestyle. More often than not, what they require to change completely is someone who believes in them and isn't ashamed to identify with their failures. This is the role you should play now in her life, the role of a mentor and friend.

If, at the end of the day, it doesn't work out between the two of you romantically, she would remember the positive impact you had on her life and if it does, learn to be proud of her always. In addition, resist the temptation to make reference to her past if and when you have a dispute at any point in the relationship.

Also, once an issue is tackled, let it be. It would also be of value to you, never sleep over any disagreement. For your kind of situation, it is pertinent that trust is kept alive at every point.

Once both of you are able to get round the issue of her past and have established a friendship that can consume all odds.

Importantly, you should pray that God gives you all the wisdom and tolerance to help her come out of her lifestyle.

Good luck.

My Brother's Ex Finds Better Love In

Dear Agatha,

My problem is that I am dating a girl that was my younger brother's ex girlfriend. We were all in the same school but was my brother's classmate.

She left the school for another school, a development that made my brother to start misbehaving. He stopped calling or visiting her. Then I acted as the peacemaker between them. I tried bringing back the two of them but it was obvious at a point that my brother has lost interest in her.

Up to that point we were simply friends and we stayed that way well over one year. It was after she wrote her Senior Secondary Certificate Examinations that we actually started dating. Even at that, it was not deliberate or planned. We simply found ourselves gallivanting towards each other.

Our relationship is a year plus now but her classmates now call her names. They are accusing her of dating two brothers. I love this girl so much and don't want to lose her.

But I don't know if it is right for us to be in such a relationship or not? I am so confused because she still tells me she loves me but does not know what to do either. Please I need your help urgently before she goes back to her school in Malaysia.

Wizzy.

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Dear Wizzy,

Morally, it isn't right to date any person your sibling has been involved with. More often than not, it creates a huge problem within the family especially if there was a sexual relationship involved.

Friends calling her names are basing their judgement of the situation on what is right and not because you are both in love. There is an oddity in the arrangement, whereby you who once played the in-between role, is now on the driver's seat.

Even though your brother called off the relationship, it would be hard to explain how you took over his former girlfriend.

If you must continue in this relationship, it is important you take your brother along. Yes, love happens in very abnormal situations and circumstances but wisdom has to be applied at every moment to prevent such an odd circumstantial relationship from collapsing on the people involved.

The fact that this involves your brother makes all the more important for you to consider all the variables before the two of you go too far.

What are your plans for her in this relationship? It won't be fair if you also dump her after a while like your brother did as this would not only affect her already battered reputation but leave her devastated in the whole. Do you love her in that special way a man should love a woman? Do you respect her? Do you trust her to the extent you would leave her in the company of this same brother without feeling the two would commence anything behind you?

Sincerely, this relationship is more about what you want than what she wants in the sense that you are the one with the most baggage. You are the one who has to contend with the knowledge of your brother's former interest as well as relationship with her; you are the one who may have a dissatisfied brother behind the scene; you are the one who would always worry about trust; who has to deal with the discomfort of wondering if you can trust a woman who has once dated your brother to be absolutely loyal to you. These are issue you must deal with now, cannot afford to sweep under the carpet if this relationship is to survive beyond this moment.

Also, it is important you answer as objectively as you can these questions too. Are you simply dating her to continue from where your brother stopped or because you really feel something for her? Sincerely, if you have no plans for her, don't know why you want her to stay in your life beyond the good feelings it gives you to have her with you allow her go with the dignity she still has.

I understand all the emotions she is going through now, not knowing what your intentions are for her or if you want her for keeps. Given the attitude of her friends concerning your relationship, a lot of issues she may have deliberately ignored all these while, have understandably begun to bother her. And unless she gets clear signal from you, telling she wasn't wrong to have fallen in love with the brother of the man she was once dated; get confirmation that your interest in her isn't fleeting but solid, she could change her mind about leaving you.

She can only have the confidence to stay on and challenge her friends if she knows you feel all the things a man should feel for his woman for her and for the right reasons. Right now she is feeling she may have made a costly mistake in her life by following her heart and not her head. It is now left up to you to give her all the assurances in the world to neutralise those fears her friends' concern and opinions are generating in her.

Rather than feel bad about what your friends are saying about your relationship; you and your woman should see it as a blessing in disguise, an opportunity for both of you to reposition your relationship before you go too far.

Good luck.

He's My Mr. Right But Too Passionate To Have Baby Now

Dear Agatha,

There is this guy I love so much and has indicated interest in marrying me. He also wants me to get pregnant for him. He is 31 while I am 22.

Although we have been dating for three years, his passion for me to have a baby started last year and seems to be going stronger with each passing day. Last year, I dreamt he impregnated me and I gave birth to his child this year. Early this year he came with an ultimatum requesting me to either get pregnant or he goes for a woman who is ready to give him a child.

My reluctance has to do with the fact that I am still in school. I am a 200 Level part-time student.

Apart from praying on my own, I have also taken his name to see one of my pastors who also told me that he is the right man for me. I am convinced that he is the right man for me but I don't know how to handle this pressure from him without breaking up our relationship of three years. It would be so painful and sad to let go of a three year old relationship.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Worried Lover.

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Dear Worried Lover,

Understandably at 31, he could be under severe pressure from his family members to get married at all cost. Being in school, he may also be threatened at the possibility of you finding someone else and wants to use the baby as a means of tying you down.

The threat of getting another to produce a baby for him could be a further ploy to get you to play the ball his way.

Having dated each other for three years, it would be a pity to forfeit this relationship on account of inability to reconcile your differences.

Therefore, it is imperative you both come together to listen to each other. You have to listen to his reason why he is desperate for a child and he must also listen to your reasons for not wanting a child yet.

For a relationship to be beneficial, it has to be symbiotic. And for it to be so, both of you must be very understanding of your positions as well as your reasons at all times.

There is no way this relationship would survive if you both insist on having your ways. This is a crucial stage in your relationship and unless you both make up your minds to make it work at all cost, you might as well give it up to save both of you from needless emotional torture.

If you are a part-time student, what do you do when you are not in school? Do you work? How would having a baby affect your time and ability to cope with your studies? You see, it is not just enough telling him you are not ready you must be able to convince him that you are not trying to buy time or playing on his intelligence. You must be able to present him with alternative arrangement that would not only convince him of the sincerity behind your request but also that he has to give you time to finish your education if the need arises.

Frankly, he may be hard to understand your determination not to have his baby if you don't do a good just of explaining to him; he may even begin to doubt you and think it is an excuse for you to cheat on him. Not everyman understands that a woman need time to be ready to settle down. Men simply assume that once they are ready to have families or settle down, the women in their lives must be ready. As a matter of fact they expect women to count themselves absolutely lucky at being offered the post of being a wife and mother.

Fighting him or being obsolete would not resolve the problem rather it would only lead to improperly thought out actions that leave everybody regretful eventually but at the time he is determined to take the decision, he would deliberately not think of far into the future.

On your part, you have to listen to his reasons. Why is he desperate to have a child at all cost? Has it to do with his family history? Is he an only child or male in the family? Is he the first or the favourite? Any man in any of these positions in his family is often under severe pressure to begin to produce babies at all cost.

For this reason, he needs a woman that understands, who would help him manage the problem he is having with his own people. When a woman finds herself in this situation, she has to shift grounds a little bit to accommodate the interest of her man. How much of your time or dream can you give this man to make him happy? How much love do you have for each other feelings that would make the sacrifices of today worth its while later in the future? How much sacrifices are you willing to make for love?

Unless you are ready to shift your grounds a little bit, even if to consider his request as something important, you might find yourself alone on this boat.

Another issue that could also be agitating him could also be the time you have both agreed on. Ask him if he is ready to marry you now as well as provide all you need to be comfortable while looking after his way and still going to school. He may not have considered the huge financial cost of his request, presenting him with the attached burden may make him apply the break until you are nearing the end of your education. To be sincere, it might be difficult for him to wait until you complete your education so you must be willing to renegotiate your terms of agreement with him.

At 22, you are still young with your future still far away at least mathematically. But at 31, his future is already staring at him. And for that future to properly take the shape he wants, he has to settle the matter of his matrimony to give him the impetus to do other things.

One of the most important motivating factors in life for a man to succeed is thought of his family. Men premise their thirst for success on the need to provide for their families. Your man feels with a baby in tow, he would have all the reasons to climb with vigour that ladder of success. It is simply a matter of you coming up with a workable time frame that would not leave either of you with more pains than joy. Just like his dream to have a baby is important to him so also must he appreciates that your education too is important to your future.

All these may not count much if he suspects you of having the tendency of jilting him later in life. If anything has happened in your three years old relationship to question his faith in you, you may not find it easy to convince him to allow you be.

Unless both of you decide on how much you mean to each other, there is no way you two would be able to resolve this problem without it affecting your relationship, negatively.

On the issue of whether he is your God given man, only time would tell and a lot would depend on how you resolve this crisis facing your relationship.

God may have ordained both of you to be an item but you both can still lose it to carelessness and stubbornness.

Good luck.

I'm Torn Between My Ex And Husband

Dear Agatha,

My husband and I are experiencing a problem that has just refused to go away.

We have been married for over 10 years and I can state categorically that we are seriously in love with each other. Sometime this year, I received a call from an ex-lover who broke up with me about 21 years ago. Until the breakup, I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with my ex but the relationship ended in the most traumatic way, under circumstances that left me almost paralysed. My ex, who had earlier proposed to me, informed me that he could no longer go ahead with the relationship when my health was in jeopardy.

A few months ago I received a call from my ex to meet with me and I obliged by paying him a visit. During the visit I gave my ex my opinion of the treatment I received from him 21 years ago when he jilted me in my time of need. This conversation lasted for about two hours. Throughout the meeting, he apologised profusely for everything that happened during and after the breakup. At the end of the meeting, he gave me a sizeable amount of money and requested that we remain just friends. Since the meeting, he and I have been exchanging text and voice messages.

Unknown to me, my husband found out about this visit and everything that transpired during and after the meeting. My husband doesn't seem to trust me anymore since he believes that I have an adulterous affair with my ex. I am not in love with my ex and cannot imagine myself having an affair with him again. My relationship with him is only platonic and nothing more. I love my husband and I desperately need your advice on how to salvage my marriage.

Oyin.

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Dear Oyin,

In his shoes what would you think, how would you feel if he secretly meets with an ex without your knowledge and goes ahead to keep conversation flowing between the two of them? Be sincere, how what would be your natural conclusion? Would you have told your husband about your ex if he didn't find out on his own? How far would you have gone in your friendship with this man if your husband hadn't found you out? These are issues you must provide answers to before this matter can be resolved. There is no way you would expect your husband to continue to trust you when you failed to tell him about your ex and kept his presence in your life a secret. The fact that you were exchanging text and voice messages would make any man wonder at the type of relationship that exist between the two of you. More so, this is a man you were about getting married to and would have married had he not left you.

Yes, you may not have slept with your ex to warrant being tagged unfaithful but you have acted precisely in the manner which could be interpreted as unfaithful. To be candid, you have not acted innocently and have certainly breached trust in your marriage.

When your ex got in touch with you, the ideal thing would have been for you to tell your husband about it. You have been married to this man for 10 years and not once has he given you a reason to doubt his love for you. If you were so precious to the other man why did he abandon you at the point of your need, when you needed him the most?

If he meant well for you, why didn't he offer to meet your family, your husband especially to say thank you to the man who rescued you when he left you without hope?

Deep down do you think he would have come back to apologise if you had ended up in a mental home or become the sort of woman nobody wants to be identified with?

Why did he give you the money? To assuage his conscience or to lure you back into bed with him? What was the motive and why did you not tell your husband about it afterwards?

Honestly, if you had any pride, you shouldn't have accepted that money because accepting it means he still has some control over you, a say in your life and the right to disrupt the quality of happiness in your home.

No matter the excuse or the extent of what you both shared in the past, you should have on account of your marriage resisted his charm and closed all avenues of him coming back into your life. Remember, you are now a married woman, accountable to another man and no longer free to pursue relationship with your past without the knowledge of your present. If you were still unmarried, the story would have been different and nobody would have questioned your right and decision to keep the communication line opened but as a married woman or man for that matter, you cannot indulge in such thing without jeopardising the well-being of your home.

This issue would only go away if you can explain to your husband why you went to your ex without telling him and why you decided to keep the communication line going.

Before you do this, you must first examine your own motive. Deep down, what do you still feel for this man? Be honest because therein lies the antidote to the problem you are having in your marriage. Was it simply a matter of curiosity that made you go to him or something deeper? Given the way he treated you, intense anger and the need to give him a piece of your mind at the mindless way he dumped you at your hour of need may have been the motive but thereafter, why did you decide on holding on to him?

Do you still feel something for him? I know it is never easy to give up on someone you once loved to the point of wanting to marry him, but is it just your will to maintain the friendship of the past or something deeper than you want to admit to? Have you really gotten over him?

It is only when you face these questions with all the honesty they deserve you can go before your husband to explain yourself and reasons as well as plead for forgiveness.

In the interest of your home, admit your mistakes by agreeing to how the event presents you in his eyes. Beg him in the language you know he understands best and for now, don't pressurise him into forgiving you immediately. It would take a while for him to be able to put this incident behind him and much would depend on how strong your relationship is and how you progress from this point. If you are humble, calm, remorseful and very prayerful, he would eventually forgive you. Being anxious and desperate to settle it immediately could lead you into making more mistakes so allow time, to heal him because what you did is a grievous offence against all marital laws. He needs time to mend and heal before he can completely forgive you.

You see, some love never die but you just must let go if your present and future are to serve you well. This man is forbidden to you and you to him. You now belong to someone else, someone who loves you, who desires you for who you are and not what you are.

Besides, this man knows you are married and if he has any respect for you, he would not do anything to jeopardise the sanctity of your marriage. You are destroying the beauty and strength of your marriage by allowing a third party into it. Still this wind of destruction before it consumes you and your home.

Call the other man in his presence and tell him to stop calling you that his presence in your life is affecting your marriage. If he loves you he would understand your need to be rid of him. To ensure he doesn't bother you again, change your sim for the time being.

Give your husband all the respect he deserves as your man by being very honest with him in everything you do.

Good luck.

My Mother-in-law Castrated My Baby Boy

Dear Agatha,

I am a mother of a 14-year old teenage boy.

This child was born out of wedlock when I was raped by a man who abandoned me to my fate. I was also rejected by my parents but the mother of the boy had no other choice than to accept me into her home.

She too was not kind to me either and she did everything she could to frustrate my life the more.

When the baby was born, it was the boy's mother who did the bathing of the child and all, but I noticed that whenever she was bathing the baby, she would exert so much pressure around the lower abdomen and the private part of the baby and keep pressing it so hard. Yes, I know that you massage a baby but not to the extent to which she was doing it and then with special interest around the lower abdomen and the private part of the baby.

The woman was already in her 60s with eight children of which six are males. So, there was no way one could feel she was inexperienced in handling such matters. I felt she was doing it to harm the baby because obviously, when the child was born, she was not happy and she would hardly touch the child. She kept her distance from me and the child even though we were living with her in the same house. Whenever the child cried, she would chase me far away saying that I should take my child away.

I have heard that such an act of tampering with such parts of the body was dangerous especially to the males and could lead to impotence and related complications of not being able to father any child in the future. But I was just too afraid to talk; I was too afraid to say a word to the woman because I was just sixteen years and was being subjected to series of brutality. She was ready to throw me out of the house at the slightest provocation, though I was eventually thrown out of the house at the end of the day.

Now the child is 14 years of age and his manhood is like that of a four-year old child. I know that some are naturally small sized but this appears to be out of the ordinary, besides, there is no link to the small size of his manhood traceable to either of his father's family or mine. I have never seen the child have an erection for once, I know that he is still a child but I have seen children his age having erection at certain times especially in the mornings when they are just waking up from sleep.

I am therefore very scared. I don't know if what the grand-mother did long ago is already playing out.

Please, I need to know whether there is anything that can be done at this early stage to correct the situation if my suspicion is correct.

Worried Mother.

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Dear Worried Mother,

His inability to have an erection shows that something is wrong with his productive organ. His size is immaterial and doesn't account for his state of well-being. Like you pointed out, he should have experienced erection by now. As a matter of fact, teenage boys get erections recurrently and with no trouble, just by visualising about sexual encounter or a female is sufficient for stimulation. In fact, stiff trousers alone can be the basis of an erection with just nominal bodily stimulus of the genital region. This age of over-sexuality is generally because of testosterone hormone, the male hormone that rises during teenage years to its maximum height. However, this changes as the male grows older, his intensity and ability to achieve erection decreases because of the many challenges an older male faces. So, do the limits of dopamine, a neurotransmitter concerned with provocation and sexual stimulus.

Nevertheless, most fully developed males anticipate having the similar kind of erections all throughout their life. As males grow in age, it generally does not twirl out that way. A number of aspects have to be in position in order to achieve a regular, vigorous erection. The male has to be enthused and calm, but more often than not, they require the kind of extra hold up that is encouraged.

The issue is his inability to experience erection at all. A normal male child starts having erection from infancy. Did you not observe it when he was a baby? All baby boys have erection from cradle. Because the male organ is placed outside the body, it is often very easy to tell when a male child is having problems with his organ or is unable to achieve erection. At 14, he should experience erection first thing in the morning to signify everything is well with him. Therefore, his inability to have erection showcases that something is fundamentally wrong with his biology.

To be candid if he had never had an erection, your concern should have come earlier.

Be that as it may as his mother, you should ask him questions. You could be wrong; could be he is one of those secretive teenagers who hold things back from their parents. Being a boy, he may not be comfortable staying around you naked or sharing his thoughts and feelings with you but since you are becoming worried about him, begin a discussion about his maturity years with him. You may be a woman but let him know you understand all the changes he has to cope with biologically and psychologically. It is the only way you can make him open up to you and discuss his problems. Besides, it is the only way you can get first hand information to pass on to the doctor. It would look foolish of you if at the end of the day, your alarm turns out to be false.

This is because with teenage children, you cannot tell the truth or be too careful. Your being a woman may make him keep vital information from you, uneasy about discussing anything concern his sexuality with you. You must first earn his trust for him to be able to open up to you; for him to share his fears as well as hope with. The fact that he small sized is enough psychological problem for him; to add complete impotence to that is enough to kill this young mind so be careful what you tell him and how you handle the matter.

I appreciate it would be difficult a challenge for you to shoulder especially given the circumstance he was born, but you have to be strong for him. But you can only do this effectively if you know what you are up against.

If true he is not having an erection, don't frighten him by crying because the situation may not be as terrible as it appears. The pressure applied at birth may have blocked a vessel that supplies blood to that part of anatomy. According to my doctor friend, a simple surgical operation may correct the problem but until he is investigated by competent medical hands, it would be difficult to know what the problem is precisely.

As for the boy's grandmother, there is little or nothing you can do about your suspicion. If true she did it to hurt the boy, what she has done is to hurt herself in the process because the boy is her grandchild. Who knows, this boy may be the child her son would have. Nemesis is real and has a way of catching up with us when least expected. Be rest assured that, if she did this deliberately, she would not escape the wrath and anger of God because that child is an innocent party just as you were when her son raped and got you pregnant.

Once you ascertain the extent of his condition, take him to see a doctor because the more you delay, it could further complicate his medical problem.

Even if he is normal, men are very sensitive when it comes to the issue of the size of their manhood. He too would soon begin to exhibit such concern and discouragement. Before any of his friends or colleagues cause him psychological pains as well as damage, educate him on how size doesn't matter when it comes to satisfying women. Although the topic may sound embarrassing for you being a woman it is something you must have to do for him to give him the confidence to face life as a man.

Many men who are in the same boat never recover their confidence to live life in full, let alone approach a woman for a relationship. Don't forget that he has the attendant problem of an absentee father to deal with. This problem of his sexuality would only make him focus more on the unfair side of the situation but if you are there for him, giving every reason to belief in himself, grow above his situation and as well as earn the hope for a better tomorrow, it would eliminate to a very large extent some of the issues that would have crippled him or destroyed him psychologically. At 14, he needs your maturity, wisdom, experiences to give meaning to his life. Given the issues you have raised, he needs constant counselling to be able to face life normally and not give you problems later in life.

Hearing from you that he can live a normal life despite the physical size of his manhood would make whatever challenge he has to face easy. To help you produce the best result, be very business like when handling the issue, it would help you especially not to be broken down by maternal sentiments.

Above all, look up to God for help. He is still very much in the business of making impossible situation very possible. He would make way for you and your son to find happiness.

Good luck.

I Desire Extra Affair...But As Top Secret To My Wife

Dear Agatha,

I am married and have been faithful to my wife since we got married in 2003.

But I have a serious urge to start up a relationship without my wife's knowledge. I know it would amount to being unfaithful to her but I can't seem to help the directions my thoughts are headed.

Please advise me. I want to really know if I can keep the relationship away from my wife.

Confused Man,

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Dear Confused Man,

Why are you so bent on courting trouble or dragging one into your home even when it seems trying as much as possible to avoid you?

Why do you want to transfer the headquarters of devil to your home? Why do you want to pollute the sacredness and value of your home by having a worthless affair?

An affair is an open invitation to problems in your home especially if you are unfortunate to go into a relationship with a woman determined to have you for keeps. A desperate woman is a viable tool for the devil any day and time. An innocent affair could leave you scorched for life so much so you may never recover your mental equilibrium to function normally. Out there are different kinds of women whose level of desperation to a man at all cost have turned them into mini monsters and any man unfortunate to walk into their traps never recovers from the mistake.

Besides, how would you feel if your wife suddenly wakes up and decides she is also tired of being faithful to you and wants to do what you want to do? Do you think men are the only ones who get itchy and want to experiment with something new?

Frankly, the answer is, like men, women too get fed up, get bored and desire something new but because of obligations to their homes and loyalty to their husbands, they bury whatever disappointment they have and continue to endure the marriage warts and all.

Respect for her body and man are the reasons women stay faithful to their vows and not because they too don't crave for the excitement men feel for other women outside their partners. So, be mindful that she too can throw caution to the winds if you deliberately set out to hurt her for no just cause.

Marriage is about being fair to your partner and striving to make things work despite whatever may be the limitations of your partner. The fact that the two of you agreed to spend the rest of your lives together means, something powerful occurred between the two of you at a point in your relationship to have made you both taken that important decision.

Whatever her shortcomings are now, your itchiness, and think of the difference and sense of well-being you have both achieved as an item. No marriage is perfect but it takes the determination on the part of the couple to make it work.

A good marriage requires investment of time, energy, attention, care and devotion to make it work. Having a relationship outside your home would only serve to divide your time between two women and in the end rob you of quality time with either of them.

Also, having an affair outside your home comes with the risk of unwanted pregnancy. Before you leap, what provisions have you put in place for the unwanted child? This is an issue you must think out thoroughly in advance. You and I know that when a man and woman have sex, pregnancy occurs. If you don't want your wife to know about this plan of yours, how do you intend telling your would be affair that you just want sex from her and not baby? Do you think she would agree to become only your sex mate without her planning how she would also tap into your income permanently?

Ask yourself what are your reason for wanting to go into an affair? Is it for the sex, company or simply because of the powers 'cheating on your wife' confers on you as the man and head of the home? If it is because of sex, can't you teach her how you want it? Can't you carry out all the experiments you dream of and much more with her? Nobody has all the answers to sex but we become better in our act and attitude with support from our partners. Being your wife, she would welcome any suggestions you have at ensuring she has a better marriage and security.

This woman, if you allow her through encouragement can do better than the woman you have in mind. The problem with her may be fear of the unknown, of being judged by you if she allows herself to flow with the tide but knowing that you would never ask question or see her as a woman of too much experience if she takes the lead could see her surpassing your wildest fantasy.

The reason we marry is to have the licence to enjoy among other things sex to the maximum. You are itching for extramarital affair because you have refused to give your marriage the freedom to grow along the line of your fantasy. So if you are dissatisfied and disappointed, it boils down to your own inability to uplift your marriage to the level of your satisfaction.

For the six years you have been married, what emotional re-investment have you introduced to it? What efforts have you made to ensure you educate her in your ways, add refreshers to the bouquet you have? Products have to be constantly refined, re-branded to remain relevant. Sex in marriage isn't an exception to this marketing strategy. When couples refuse to devote time to grow their sex life as well as making efforts to re-invent it, the marriage becomes threatened by suppressed urges and eventually the desire to try something new.

The danger in what you are contemplating isn't in your desire per say; honestly, it is normal but giving in to it is the huge problem because more often than not what we set out to do ends up with results that are completely unexpected.

This doesn't involve only you. It involves the lives of many others. If you would be the only one to suffer the pains of the consequences your decision, nobody would mind but everybody related to you would share in the aftermath of this decision.

To appreciate the pains this decision would cost you, how much does your family mean to you? What would you feel if that which you cherish is gone forever? How would you feel if at the end of the day you lose the peace and respect of the one woman who matters the most or those of your innocent children?

There is no way you would go into this relationship and your family life would remain the same because you would now have to share your time and money among two people. The one with the responsibility who happens to be your wife is bound to suffer the most because not only would she have to manage the little you give her attending to the needs of the children but yours too.
In addition, not only would she have to endure lonely moments following your absence from the home but she has to make do with left over of your emotions whenever you remember to come back to her.

Do you think this is fair on someone who has done nothing wrong but give you her body, soul and spirit?

If excitement is what you want, what is stopping you from pointing her at the direction she should go like wearing new looks as well as the fashion trend that is causing you excitement in other women?

And taking her out of your home for some stolen moments could give you adventure. That you are both married doesn't stop you both from taking each other out; of spending the night in a hotel room where the staff are paid to cook and clean after you. A weekend away from the home and the kids could bring back all the excitement that have been buried or nearly forgotten in the process of starting a family. After all, it is the same money and hotel you would be spending your time with this other woman. So, why not spend the money on the woman you are married to with the view of having a more peaceful home?

The ideas of what you and your woman can do together to help your marriage are limitless.
In the interest of your children especially don't give in to this urge. Resist whatever it is or company that is giving you this idea. I know that the first seven years of marriage are usually the most challenging but if you are determined, you would overcome this trying emotional period.

Giving in now is akin to putting a hammer on the foundation of the home you have built. There is no marriage without challenges or setbacks. What is important is its management. Marriage is like the bitter-leaf. Both parties must continue to work at it to get to the sweet part.
It requires forgiveness as well as friendship at every turn to change volatile situations to ordinary everyday occurrences.

When next you feel the urge, go to God in prayers to do what is right and avoid that which is wrong.

Good luck.

Head Must Roll...My Twin Sisters Pregnant For My Husband

Dear Agatha,

I urgently need your God given wisdom to tackle this life threatening situation that has enveloped my home for which I think somebody has to die now but I have not decided who among those who have caused me this pain should.

As a matter of fact, I have packed my bags and ready to leave my matrimonial home, but not until someone pays dearly for the huge ache crying for revenge inside of me.

My father died when my siblings and I were still young and in the secondary school. Our mom, however, made sure she saw us through school. We have a set of twins who refused to further their education after their secondary school. All efforts to persuade them to go further in their educational pursuit proved abortive. They opted for business so, we let them be.

When I met my husband, it was like a dream come true. My mother instantly took to him, so also did my siblings. We got married and being the eldest girl of the house, I asked my husband to help set up my sisters and he agreed. We brought them to stay with us and he opened a boutique shop for them.

I have been married for five years now, I had my first baby after one year of marriage and the second one, boy, after two years and everything was going well for me and everyone around me. My husband suggested that I further my studies, so I enrolled into one of the universities.

One day my brother visited and informed me that my twin sisters were having affairs with my husband. I was shocked, and with sheer disbelief. Even though I didn't believe him at the same time, I didn't think he would deliberately set out to break my home so I decided to carry out an investigation of my own before confronting my husband with the allegation.

I noticed he was keeping late nights but always attribute it to the desire to grow his business.

Finally, one day, my twin sisters came home with strong eyes to announce that they are both pregnant for my husband. They didn't show any remorse and were very arrogant about it. To cap it all, when my husband came home, he confirmed it. He said I was at liberty to do what I liked, and that the choice of staying on in his house is mine to make.

The issue now is, Agatha, how can I share my husband with my sisters? Were they total strangers, maybe, but my own sisters? What can I do about this? Right now I am totally confused, and hurting deep inside of me.

Broken Woman.

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Dear Broken Woman,

I am equally as perplexed as you are because I don't know what to say to you in this kind of situation. Having two sisters pregnant for your husband at the same time is more than one can tolerate but then killing any of them won't solve the problem.

It would only complicate the already precarious situation you have found yourself in this marriage. Besides, your children would be the ones that get to suffer the most at the end of the day when you are arrested, remanded in prison custody. Whatever your state of mind as well as the extent of betrayal by your own sisters, don't allow them drag you into the same murky water they obviously cherish to swim in.

They are not worth your time or energy. Any woman who stoops to the all time low of sleeping with the man that belongs to her sister and getting pregnant for him in the process isn't worth spending precious time on fighting. Your twin sisters are already cursed beyond remedy. That the two of them can sleep with the same man, get pregnant for him is enough curse not to talk of the man being the husband of their own elder sister.

Sincerely, this battle is beyond you or what you see. It is a battle your temper cannot win or physical strength. It is also a battle that goes back, in time, to when you were all born. It is targeted at destroying your family and ensuring your remaining parent doesn't go to her grave in peace and happiness.

Do you know what your mother would be feeling now? The mockery of her situation as well as the pains of her old age? Having all the three daughters who are sleeping with one man, and all having children by him?

This I assure you isn't a normal situation. It is unfortunate that you are the one who is at the centre of it all. Even if your husband is the worst kind of Casanova, he wouldn't dream of sleeping with your sisters and getting them pregnant as well as calling you bluff at being discovered in such a disgraceful act. A normal man would not be ashamed of what he has done but do everything humanly possible to shield his wife from knowing about his despicable act.

For him to have allowed you the knowledge of his act and giving you the choice to stay while your twin sisters carry on with their pregnancies is very abnormal and certainly underlines the presence of something fundamental.

Despite what he has done, he is still your husband and father of your two children. From what you have said, he has been very good to you and has been very supportive of your family. Nothing of what you have described of him so far tallies with what he has done. This is the major challenge here, the major quiz. Men have all kinds of reasons to go outside their homes to have affairs but to have affairs with two of his sisters-in-law, get them pregnant and feel comfortable with it, is abnormal and one you should be careful in reacting to.

This is a complex situation that requires a strong and determined mind to resolve. Your twin sisters, as vile as their act portrays them, are nothing but prawns in the hands of some forces within your family circle. Killing them would only make the forces happier and stronger in their goals of bringing pains and tears to your eyes.

From your story, you seem to be the lucky one in the family, hence the one who must stand firm and tall in this fight. For now, for the obvious reason that you are still in a state of shock and prone to decisions which may be inimical to your rationality, there may be the need for you to move out temporarily to a place where you can pray and reason objectively. You could move in with your parents-in-law as a show of your intent to still keep to your marital vows.

While at the place of your parents-in-law, try to reflect on your inadequacies too. Though, he has no excuse for what he did, but it would help the process of settlement if you also admit to your mistake. You may not see the need for it, given the gravity of what your husband has done but it would help you realise that we are all fallible. Sometimes, the little unimportant things we do end up being our greatest undoing. This exercise in self appraisal would mellow down your feelings sufficiently to make you seek the help of God through prayers.

On your own, pray and fast to God to help you. Only His light can unveil what darkness has hidden in your lives. Marriage is about painful choices and sacrifices. Your love for this man as well as your home must be unconditional to be able to move your marriage out of this abyss. Sincerely for now, you don't have any issue with those sisters of yours until after you deliver your man from the invisible powers that have arrested him. Let God Himself direct how to progress from your present position. Listen to His voice only and go to where He tells you to go, because whether you like it or not, this is an issue for only the person He has anointed for you to handle.

And frankly until you involve God in this matter, your sisters would continue to be a huge embarrassment and pains to your marriage. And because of the sensitivity of the issue involved, this is the time for silence on your part else you open your home, life and those of your innocent children to wrong advices or evil manipulations. Transfer all your problems to God. For your twin sisters to come to your house without fear to inform you that they are both pregnant for your husband shows that they are beyond reason or care and, like you, are capable of doing anything; another strong evidence that this is beyond logical reasoning.

Don't be a fool by staying inside a hot boiling water to fight the fire at the bottom of the pot. You would need to get out of the pot first to put out the fire else you risk death. So don't be stubborn by refusing to leave, at least, for now.

Go to your mother only after you have strengthened yourself with the spirit of God. Don't go with the aim of fighting her or making her feel worse than she already is by nagging her at the damage her children have done to you. Rather, your mission should be to help her get to the bottom of the issues affecting her family, which she may not have even realised.

Opening her eyes to it would help her recall certain issues or incidents that happened in the past which she might have forgotten but could be the key to destroying the unseen web that has been woven around your family. She too has to be involved in the process of deliverance. Importantly, you must be ready to forgive completely for the process of deliverance to be a complete one.

Being natural sinners, we have done and said a lot of things we shouldn't have said or done. Because your rivals are not outsiders but members of your own family, the blood you see when you scratch the skin too hard may be a child's play compared to the likely avalanche of horror threatening to pour if you fail to handle this issue with absolute maturity.

Weird as this may be, be consoled by the fact that somewhere in the time past or now, it has happened before and would happen again, as long as we have human beings behaving wickedly.

As for your twin sisters and their pregnancies, don't worry about them too much. Though difficult to do but once you make peace with God and give Him absolute permission over your life, a natural solution to their problem would come from Him without you raising a finger or demanding it of them or your husband. God only needs your faith and trust to move. Give these to Him and all these would become stories later in your life. Provided you think your marriage would work, it will no matter the ominous clouds that currently hang over it.

Good luck.

What Makes Real Man, Woman?

Dear Agatha,

Please enlighten me on what makes a real man. Is it money, possession or age? And what makes a real woman? Emotional needs understanding or what?

Knowing Man.

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Dear Knowing Man,

There is more to life and people than what they have or what they don't have materially.

The quality of a man or woman for that matter isn't measured by what he or she doesn't have in terms of material gains but by those enduring qualities that can never be qualified.

Being real is all about giving free rein to those inherent qualities to flourish unhindered.

These are qualities money cannot buy just as the most powerful office in the world cannot confer on anyone qualities he or she lacks.

To be a real person, learn to be very honest and not claim people or things you don't have. There is nothing as real as being truthful about whom you as well as what you are. People lose credibility when they lie or behave brashly. Humility is what gives the world its salt of difference. No matter the position you find yourself, learn to be humble.

Humility doesn't devalue one's position in life instead it enhances it. Therefore for you to be anything in life, you must learn to first be modest. It helps a great deal in making a relationship to survive the rough and bumpy experiences associated with two people trying to become one person.

Being a man, it behooves you to allow the milk of kindness flow. It is the only way a man can be on top of his affairs and life. When a man is insensitive to the feelings of his woman; he risks isolating himself from his home and children. As the eventual head of your home, you must have what it takes to carry everybody along.

Your woman can only provide you with the necessary support if you trust and respect her. If you treat your wife badly, you also risk being treated badly by your children who naturally see you as a bully and someone who doesn't like their mother. For you to be a real man, you must have children who respect you and are willing to defend you at all times irrespective of what others think of you. Beating your wife or girlfriend doesn't present you as a strong man but instead it presents you as a weak and violent man who is insecure in his own ability to function as man and leader of the team.

A real man is the one who doesn't rely on violence or anger to get his home going. When a man exhibits respect for himself as well as others around him, he not only earns the converted trophy of being able to instigate confidence but is able to get his team away from difficult bends with minimal effort.

Everyone around you must be able to identify you with one principle in life. For instance, without you being present, someone should be able to say something in your defence when an issue occurs not because that person is out to get favour from you but because the person knows what you represent in life.

Nobody would ever have the boldness to defend or recommend a characterless person for any position.

For some strange reason some men think being cruel to women emotionally gives them authority over women. It is a very wrong end of the stick. Maltreating a lady emotionally doesn't fall within the gauge of what makes a man important instead it makes him appear very irresponsible and incapable of keeping a relationship. The ideal thing is for one relationship to be terminated before another is entered into.

Women respect a man more if he has the boldness and sensibility to end a relationship instead of two-timing or being cruel to her.

A man may have all the money in the world, live in the best houses, have the right connections but lacking in the basic human characters that brings joy to people around, nobody would ever have respect for such a person.

A real woman is that one who is ready to endure, preserve, support, love, care, understand and respect her man unconditionally. A real woman isn't after what a man looks like, what he doesn't have materially. What she is interested in is the who that is inside his body, the real man, the one who is caring and who has a clear vision of where he is going and man enough to admit to his mistakes and stand by his decisions no matter the consequences. These are attributes money cannot buy.

Good luck.

Give Me Complete Course On Menses

Dear Agatha,

I am eleven years of age and would soon be starting menstruation. As a mother, please help me out. Tell me everything I need to know about it and what to expect.

Theresa.

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Dear Theresa,

At eleven, you sound like a very sensible girl who likes to be prepared for the days ahead. Keep it up, this way you would always be heads and shoulders ahead of your peers.

Menstruation is a woman's monthly bleeding. This is what everywoman must go through to be a normal woman. It is nothing to be ashamed of, because without it, you are no woman. Messy, but it is precious to all women. So, learn from this tender age to be proud of this special gift and of what it signifies.

With its onset in your life comes the awareness that you can become a mother if you don't handle yourself with dignity and strict moral values. Having menstruation means when you allow any man have sex with you as a woman, you could become pregnant if it falls within your ovulation period.

The first menses goes by the name menarche. The average girl starts menstruating from the age of 12 but some begin very early while some don't begin until they are well into their teenage years. In some few cases, some girls are known to have started at the age of 18. A woman will only begin to menstruate when all her reproductive system have matured and are working together.

Also called menses, menstrual period, or period, the menstrual blood is partly blood and partly tissue from the womb. It flows from the uterus, another name for the womb, through the small opening in the cervix, and passes out of the body through the vagina. It lasts between three and five days.

As a young girl, it would do you a world of good to keep records the moment you begin. Doing so would help you calculate your monthly calendar as well as know how many days you are. For instance, some women have a cycle of 28 days while others have 35 or more days. It would also help you calculate your ovulation day, safe and unsafe periods.

A cycle starts on the first day of a period. Knowing how your body works is essential as you would be able to answer so many questions concerning any noticed change in your body.

However, for a period to begin, it takes the combined contributions of the brain, pituitary gland, uterus and cervix, ovaries, fallopian tubes, and vagina to make it happen. Body chemicals called hormones rise and fall during the month and make the menstrual cycle happen. The ovaries produce two kinds of female hormones, estrogen and progesterone. Other hormones involved in the menstrual cycle include follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinising hormone (LH), made by the pituitary gland. So, you see, the body is a network and the result of the blood you see at the end of every month is the product of an effective network system. In the first half of the menstrual cycle, levels of estrogen rise and make the lining of the uterus grow and thicken. In response to follicle-stimulating hormone, an egg (ovum) in one of the ovaries starts to mature. At about day 14 of a typical 28-day cycle, in response to a surge of luteinising hormone, the egg leaves the ovary. This is called ovulation.

In the second half of the menstrual cycle, the egg begins to travel through the fallopian tube to the uterus. Progesterone levels rise and help prepare the uterine lining for pregnancy. If the egg becomes fertilised by a sperm cell and attaches itself to the uterine wall, the woman becomes pregnant. If the egg is not fertilised, it either dissolves or is absorbed into the body. If pregnancy does not occur, estrogen and progesterone levels drop, and the thickened lining of the uterus is shed during the menstrual period.

During the menstrual period, the thickened uterine lining and extra blood are shed through the vaginal canal. A woman's period may not be the same every month, and it may not be the same as other women's periods. Periods can be light, moderate, or heavy, and the length of the period also varies. While most menstrual periods last from three to five days, anywhere from two to seven days is considered normal. For the first few years after menstruation begins, periods may be very irregular. They may also become irregular in women approaching menopause. Sometimes birth control pills are prescribed to help with irregular periods or other problems with the menstrual cycle.

Sanitary pads or tampons, which are made of cotton or another absorbent material, are worn to absorb the blood flow. Sanitary pads are placed inside the panties; tampons are inserted into the vagina. They come in different sizes to accommodate the volume of flow a woman has. These days, sanitary towels are getting smaller and very convenient.

To ensure you are not embarrassed by sudden flow, ensure you go about once you have passed your half cycle with a sanitary towel. It helps to be prepared.

Women can have various kinds of problems with their periods, including pain, heavy bleeding, and skipped periods. One of such is amenorrhea, lack of a menstrual period.

It is the absence of a period in young women who haven't started menstruating by age 16, or the absence of a period in women who used to have a regular period. Causes of amenorrhea include pregnancy, breastfeeding, and extreme weight loss caused by serious illness, eating disorders, excessive exercising, or stress. Hormonal problems involving the pituitary, thyroid, ovary, or adrenal glands or problems with the reproductive organs may be involved.

Dysmenorrhea is another challenge women go through during menses. It is painful includes several menstrual cramps. In younger women, there is often no known disease or condition associated with the pain. A hormone called prostaglandin is responsible for the symptoms. Pain reliever can help reduce the tension.

Menorrhagia is heavy bleeding or unusually long periods. In adolescents and women approaching menopause, hormone imbalance problems often cause it.

After menstruation comes menopause. It occurs around the age of 51, on average. Menopause means that a woman is no longer ovulating and can no longer become pregnant. Like menstruation, menopause varies from woman to woman. In some, it could come very early as early as in their 30s while for some it may come very late in life.

What is most important to you once you start menstruating is not to get intimate with any man or allow yourself to be alone with one to avoid the danger of being compromised.

To avoid making costly mistakes in your life, please cultivate the habit of asking your mother questions on issues you want answers to or call me. I am just a phone call way, so feel free to call or send a text message.

Wishing you all the best as you prepare for womanhood!

Good luck.