I’m in love with a rich single mother…

Dear Agatha,

There is this woman in my neighbourhood that I have secretly admired for several years, but lacked the courage to tell her. She is single mother of a lovely boy and appears successful. Since coming to that area about six years ago, I have never seen any man with her. Yet she is friendly, respectful and keeps so much to herself.

I really don’t know how to approach her and how to convince her that I am really interested in her and not her money. Since she lives in a three-bedroom house drives a new car; I live in a two-bedroom house with a weather beaten car. 

My fear has always been whether she won’t think I am a gold digger? Planting on reaping where I didn’t sow? I really love this woman but am so scared of what she would say to me or how to even approach and introduce the matter to her even though we are friends. We have exchanged occasional visits especially when she has to come and get her son who likes to keep me company whenever I am around.

I am 34 years of age and she is 32 years old.

Innocent.

Dear Innocent, 

People would always talk about others, so it isn’t a reason for you not to approach the woman you have come to love. The only issue here is your motive for wanting her in your life. Are you really interested in her as a woman or for the fact that she appears comfortable? Often time, we are bothered about what people would say because we either give too much time to the importance of what others think of us or their thoughts are precisely what we secretly intend. If you are planning on being with her for the sake of her money or affluence, it shouldn’t bother you what anyone says. If your love for her is real, anybody can say anything they feel like saying, provided you know what you want.

Therefore your motive must be clear to you from the onset to prevent ruining whatever chance you both have of being good friends. 

To get this kind of woman to listen to you, you must first know what the issues with her past are. Being a single mother, someone, somewhere must have hurt her and for her to remain single means at her age it means the hurt runs very deep. There is no way she can move forward without first getting rid of the pains of the past. 

Since you have the opportunity to talk with her, why not first of all try to get her to open up on her past? Get her to talk about the father of her son, were they married or was he born outside wedlock? 

You must know the person behind the mask she has carefully built around herself. You must make the sacrifice to slice through her pains as well as the layers of dust her experiences have gathered to get to her real self.

Use the advantage of your friendship to first get her to open up to you. As a friend there are things she would tell you which she might be unwilling to discuss as a lover. Because of her past, your interest in her must go beyond her body and wealth to her comfort as a person. You must be able to make her and her son laugh, relax and hope for better days ahead. 

In addition you must give her the assurance that your interest in her includes the welfare of her son. Are you prepared to be a father to someone else’s son? In taking on this responsibility, you must be prepared to give more than emotional support to even financial contributions when the need arises. You must also be a positive influence on the child by not only showing leadership by example, but also creating time to show him how to be responsible. 

Often than not, the fear of single mothers is the kind of treatment and reactions of their would be husband to their children. Many a time, some men give the promise to be good fathers to their stepchildren but become very hostile to these children once they get married to the women. Are you strong enough emotionally to cope with the child’s father as well as your own family members who may choose to be hostile to this child? Will you not get to a point that you would see this child as another man’s child and not your problem?

Honestly, there is no marrying this woman without this child. It comes with the package hence your need to be very clear about what you want and are going into from the beginning. First and foremost, she is a mother, a factor you must always reckon with if you want her in your life.

As for telling her how you feel, once your mind is made up about her and you are sure you can cope, tell her how you feel. The worst that can happen is for her to say No! At 34, you should be used to the ways of women. 

Good luck.