ost my virginity to his trickery…

Dear Agatha,    

I am a 25-year-old lady in a higher institution. I lost my virginity a few months ago to a deceitful guy, who dumped me soon afterwards. I have learnt my lessons and currently keep men at an arm’s length. I have two questions to ask. How can I identify a good man from a trickster? Is it true that prolonged abstinence enables a broken hymen to re-grow, making a repentant non-virgin pass for a virgin again? 

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

Unfortunately there are no visible signs on their foreheads to alert a woman that a particular man is out to rob her of her emotions as well as body.  However, there are a lot of signs that a woman who is discerning will pick from their behaviour or things they say. For instance, they have the most sugar coated tongues and know precisely what to say to get the woman eating out of their hands. Most of them are accomplished at making the right compliments to melt any lady’s resolve. 

These days, men have become wiser and could be so smooth till they get what they want. But one thing is for sure; unserious men won’t stay too long in a relationship without sex. Therefore, insist on a sex-free relationship. Only the man who has your interest at heart and who has his eyes on marriage would put up with the emotional pressures of staying with a woman without sleeping with her. 

Such a man knows that the woman would eventually become his, hence can wait the whole time for her to be ready. Therefore any man pressuring you to sleep with him under the pretence that it doesn’t matter if he does it now or on the night of your wedding isn’t for real. Be weary of such a man. 

Another thing is for you as a woman not to act desperate. Everyman knows that once a woman gets to a certain age, marriage becomes the major item on her agenda. Smart men have to realise this desperation in women and learnt to play most women for fool. If you are going into any relationship, don’t give the impression that you have marriage at the back of your mind. From the onset, make up your mind that it could work and may not. While giving it your best, be firm on so many things. Let the man see you for who you are as well as your position on the issue of marriage. Once he gets the message, that like him, you want to take a day at a time and that marriage isn’t the reason you agreed to dating him, he would learn to give you your respect.

To avoid emotional dupes, before going into a relationship, have a focus – a sort of master plan for yourself. This way you would be able to effectively control the relationship to your advantage.

However, experience remains the best way to know whose man is real or not. From the experience of what happened to you, I am sure you know what to believe, avoid and what to accept. More than anything else, you know from this whole thing that it is always wise for a woman to insist on having a non-sexual relationship until her wedding night.

As for you growing back your broken hymen, sorry to disappoint you, it is impossible. Once a woman’s seal is broken, it remains so. The only thing that can happen if you abstain from sex is the tightness of the virginal because of the elastic nature of the muscles. An experienced man can always tell a woman who is very active from the one who has abstained for a long time through the opening of her body. 

For now, it is more of you learning to appreciate who you are and not what a man wants you to be.

Good luck.