How do I confront my friend with this secret?

Dear Agatha,

My best friend and I got married to two best friends who are like twins.

They are always together as they jointly run a successful accounting company.

Their friendship began when the both sat for the first time on the same bench when they were in primary school.

Their friendship has brought everybody in their families into one umbrella.

It is so hard for an outsider to tell who the parent of whom is or where they are from. Even though one is from Edo State and the other from Delta, only an insider can tell the difference.

We both got married on the same day because that was what the two of them desired. Sometimes it baffles their different sets of parents as both friends have started to look like each other.

This is why when my friend’s husband got a lady pregnant, the families came together to take a decision on how to proceed with the matter without it affecting the relationship at home.

It actually happened because my friend didn’t take in the first five years of her marriage. By then I already had two children. Till date, I don’t have the details of what happened but one day, I was summoned to a meeting where I was handed a year old baby to look after as my own. I was told to keep the identity of the child to myself and that if I ever told my friend that the boy belonged to her husband, it would be the end of my marriage.

Since she didn’t know everybody on my side of the family, I had to manufacture a cousin as the owner of the boy.

Strangely she took in the very month I brought the baby to my home. Today, 22 years after she is the mother of two boys and two girls.

Everybody feels the time has come for her to know the truth since the boy has graduated and serving. When he was 16, my husband and his father told him everything but pleaded with him to be patient; that at the right time he would come home. He goes there with my children to spend the holidays and is ironically very close to my friend.

Much as I agree she be told, I don’t want to be part of it. The family thinks I’m in the best of position to tell her the truth.

Agatha, won’t it destroy our friendship forever? Won’t she feel betrayed by me that I was part of the plot? She means so much to me that I don’t want to be present when the truth is finally made known to her.

Roli.

Dear Roli,

There is no avoiding being present when the news is broken to her. You have been part of it all from the beginning so you cannot claim ignorance of it now that your emotional torture at keeping such secret from her, is about to end.

In her shoes, you will also be hurt that your trusted friend kept such information from you. But it will pass because when she understands that you had no choice in the matter; that you had to do it for her sake and the stability of your both homes, she will eventually come to see things from your own point of view.

At any rate, you weren’t given a choice in the matter. It isn’t as if you met or were party to her husband  relationship with the other woman. You were only summoned by the entire family and entrusted with the care of a year old boy you were warned never to reveal his identity.

She too knows that when it comes to the matter of the family, a woman has very little choice in what happens in such a situation.

Not to go, is to destroy her trust in you completely.  You must be there to play your role as her friend and victim of a plot you were only enlisted into after everything has been planned and executed.

Being there will help her understand your helplessness better as well as the reasons you had to keep quiet about it.

At any rate, you aren’t going to be the only one there. The whole family shall be there too.

The only thing you can make them do for you is to help explain to her why they didn’t allow you tell her as well as what your position has always been on the matter.

Be prepared, however, for whatever reactions she would put up and don’t get offended. This is because the people closest to her are the ones that have betrayed her. You, your both husbands as well as the entire family! She will definitely feel very alone as there is nobody to turn to for emotional help.

The fact too that the boy is known to her, comes to her and she sees as a nephew of yours will further make her wonder at what she  has done to deserve this conspiracy.

What would help is for the boy to be present when the news is going to be broken to her. Being close to him, his presence will at least minimize her reactions and the things she may likely say.

A lot depends on how the boy conducts himself on that day. Coach him to go to her and hold on to her as if his life depends on it. Let him cry and continue to call her mummy.

Use the opportunity of such emotions to beg her for understanding and forgiveness for everybody. Both of you have come a long way. If possible, enlist the help of your two sets of children before that day. Explain everything to them all, including the part you played, why you did it and your fear that the family maybe affected if they don’t come in to beg on your behalf.

Once all the children come together, to beg her, it will go a long way to help douse the tension.

But you must try to fix one important issue before that day with your husband and his friend.

The issue of who gets what. Being a woman, you will definitely understand this issue more; that of inheritance.

The men may not think it necessary but one thing that will at least give her rest of mind is the place of her sons in their father’s property.

To pretend this won’t always be a problem is to deny reality. For her, even if she isn’t saying it, this is one issue that will keep agitating her mind and cause her to remain bitter and resentful against all those who conspired the plot.

Prevail on her husband to think it properly and come up with something that will work for all of them. Having come this far, it would be taking her forgiveness for granted if he doesn’t brace up to this reality once and for all.

Like you know, the true nature of a woman is to protect her own at all cost. Before her family members and friends she has outside you begin to plant the seed of doubts and discord in her mind, insist on the discussions of both the obvious and extraneous.

Coming from you as part of the condition for complete peace, nobody would object especially as you are the one that brought up the young man. Unlike her that can be accused of wanting to segregate, you cannot be accused of anything beyond wanting absolute peace in the home of a couple that can best be described as your brother and sister.

Also, your work will not be completed if you don’t explain to her husband how to win her back. Because of the deepness of this cut, she needs time to heal so he should be prepared to put up for a while with whatever attitude she displays.

Once she gets to know, so many things would naturally go through her mind. Apart from his betrayal; the fact that he didn’t trust her enough to tell her all these years will present another problem of its own between them. He will need to think of how to explain this angle to her since it touches on his views about her. Keeping this secret from her for 22 years makes it appear  she is diabolical hence need to protect the child from her; this may not be the reason but this would be her conclusions ultimately.

Unless he steps in with good reason, it may really affect them more than the betrayal itself.

This is why you should all pray for understanding and wisdom in tackling this matter. Although the elders of the family back then had their reasons, but none of them factored the consequences of that decision on the marriage for keeping this secret too long; especially as the child grew up within her orbit.

Good luck.

Share a problem  With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Will I ever be respected by her friends?

Dear Agatha, 

After waiting endlessly for a job to come my way after I graduated about four years ago, I decided to accept the job of a driver to enable me gather some money to begin a business.

It hasn’t been funny depending on my parents after leaving school. Being their first son, they expected me to help with my younger ones once I left school but that wasn’t to be because I couldn’t secure a job.

So when this job opportunity came, I didn’t think twice before jumping at it.

My employer turned out to a woman who from her appearance was a little bit older than me. 

At first, I thought she was married but l found out that she is single. Right from the first day, she treated me with respect despite not telling her about my educational background. Since I was able to speak Pidgin English and Yoruba fluently, I didn’t think it was important for her to know anything about me. I knew she was going through emotional problems from the snippets of her conversations that filter into my ears. I also knew from the same source that the man she was dating played on her desperation to dupe and dump her. 

Sometimes she would snap at me despite her good nature. Being close to my sisters, I knew all about the mood swings of women so didn’t allow those occasional attitudes of her bother me. Besides, I needed the money so was ready to put up with anything to help my family.

At times, of her own volition, she would buy me food.

Also too when we stayed out late, she would give me money to compensate me for overstaying the agreed closing time. 

It was not until one day, while visiting a colleague of hers, that I ran into one of my classmates at the university. He was shocked to see me as a driver and insisted I come with them into his office.

I tried to decline but he took hold of my hands and explained to my boss that I was his classmate and had one of the results in our set.

He insisted I used his computer to forward my CV to his mail box. Before leaving that day, he wrote me a cheque of N200,000.00 with the instruction I should never be shy to come to him for assistance until he is able to find me a good job.

Right there and then, he also gave me a new handset when I complained about my phone not being good.

At the drive back to her office, she was very silent; not a word and appeared to be very angry.

That evening he called to ask me over to his place. It was from my friend, I learnt she said, I played her for a fool by lying about my educational background. 

To cut the long story short, my friend after listening to my plans, gave me a soft loan of N3m and a shop space in his father’s property to begin. He also insisted I moved in with him.

The next day, I dropped my resignation letter, a move that brought tears to my boss’ eyes.

After repeating what she told my friend, she went on her knees and begged me to marry her. That from the very first day, she met me, she has been in love with me.

When I told my friend about it, he encouraged me to go ahead; that she is level headed and respectful. 

Agatha, I’m confused. She is indeed a good woman but I can’t for now be categorical on my feelings for her. Besides, won’t people especially her family members, not think I charmed her into falling in love with her because of her money?

Coming at the time my friend appeared in my life to help me establish my dreams, will people not think it is her money I’m using? On account of these, will I ever be counted as man enough for her? Will her family ever allow me be? I want a marriage I will be very happy in not one with so many controversies.

Felix.

Dear Felix,

The secret to true happiness is learning to take each day as it comes. If you attempt to solve all the challenges that you have outlined at once, you will never be able to think logically.

The first thing is whether you reciprocate her feelings or not. She has declared her love for you and is therefore waiting to hear from you.

The essential thing is for you both to find each other first. Do you love her? If you say you are not sure, it means you have something going for her. Examine what those feelings are so you can both move forward from this point.

The best way to tackle this, is to ask her for time to enable both of you get to be friends, get out of the boss-employee relationship you started out  with.

She may have fallen for you from the beginning but you need time to fall in love with her.

For the avoidance of later doubts, it is important you ask her why she waited until she discovered your educational qualifications.

Once you are able to get these two issues out of the way, concentrate on ensuring you have nothing to regret about the decisions you have made.

Whether you came in as her driver or not, the fact remains that you are now able to stand on your own and is by her side as the man she is most happy with. Someone has to help someone in life so don’t allow whatever anyone says bother you at all.

As long as you both know where you are coming from and going, every other person is irrelevant. Therefore, develop the thickness of skin to deal with the attitude of any person who wants to use your past to judge your present.

Ultimately, your comportment and ability to hold your own whatever the occasion will win whatever objections they come up with.

As long as your woman is in the know of everything, is respectful and loving, you have nothing to fear. So perish whatever misgivings you are having about the future of this relationship.

Often than not, it is the way the woman presents her man to the world; people use in placing him. If she presents herself as the boss, treats you as her play toy, everybody will naturally follow her examples.

Besides, in this relationship, through the help of your friend, you aren’t a push over; you are no longer the driver but an emerging business man set to realizing his dream for self fulfillment.

To make it clear to everyone who might be interested in monitoring your relationship, resist going to her house.

Let her be the one coming to wherever you stay. Let her grow with you in terms of financial empowerment.

For now, don’t accept any financial assistance from her. This way you will be establishing control of the relationship from day one.

Also, it will help put the relationship in the right perspective to every discerning mind from the beginning.

Above all, don’t be far from God. Given what has happened to you, it is important you stay glued to his side.

Good luck.

She is trying to lure me into lesbianism

Dear Agatha,

I can’t talk to my mother about the issue I’m having with her best friend’s daughter who is my school mother. She is two years ahead of me and was supposed to be like an elder sister to me.

From the very first day, my mother dropped me with her, I sensed something deeper than having me for a school daughter or being my elder sister.

About three weeks after I resumed, she called me into the dorm one day, when everyone was outside and ordered me to undress for her. When she saw the way I looked at her, she said I should forget it; but I didn’t like that.

I tried telling my mother when she came to visit me, but she brushed it aside, saying what other reason would she have than the one she later gave to me three days after; she wanted to know what my dress size was to enable her get the right sportswear for me.

However, the past two years have proved my misgiving about her to be right. She is in charge of recruiting new members for the lesbian group in the school. They have the backing of about five teachers, one is daughter of a serving commissioner in the state the school is located.

Also, so many students are involved, including a sizeable number of senior students who after trying to woo their captives with enticing presents, became mean if the particular student continues to decline their offers.

The fathers of many of their members are highly placed too. I think this is the reason the principal appears helpless. Another teacher in the group is the daughter of a prominent politician. Their activity is common knowledge in the school, but like I said, the authority is always looking the other way.

She has been trying unsuccessfully to introduce me into the act. There was a time, the head girl and another prefect got me very expensive presents, including a hand set and a promise to supply all the provisions I desired until I left school. When I told them I didn’t need such things, they became very hostile.

I have had to endure punishment from her and other seniors since her father is also a senior pastor in our church and she, the lead chorister whenever she is on holiday.

This is why my mother will never believe anything I say about her.

I don’t have an elder sister or brother since I’m the first born of the family. I can’t discuss it with my brother so my friend said; I should write you since her sister introduced her to your column.

Please help me as it is beginning to affect my grades in school which I also suspect is being manipulated by two the teachers who take us in those subjects which until now were my best.

Lewa.

Dear Lewa,

First and foremost, send me the number of your mum or dad which ever one you feel most comfortable with. I need to speak with them myself.

However, you must find the courage of telling your father about this, since your mother isn’t ready to listen to you. Use the fact of your falling grades to introduce the topic.

Let them know that the issue you are having with your so-called school mother and the daughter of your mother’s friend is the reason you cannot concentrate on your studies.

Let them know what she is trying to make you do as well as the punishments she subjects you to because you refused to do her bidding of joining the lesbian club in school.

To underscore the danger to you and other students, tell your parents the number of teachers that give them official coverage and how these teachers could deliberately be failing students they want in their club, but who, like you, have refused to join.

Insist your parents demand for a re-marking of your scripts since you suspect foul play; despite your nervousness at the attitude of your so called school mother

There is no way your father will tolerate such a situation and even your mother for that matter.

Also ask to be taken to a day school where they can help you recover from this situation.

The reason being that, you may not be able to resist the pressure for too long if you continue to stay within the same environment as her.

One thing about such societies is this; they can use any means and anybody. In addition you cannot be so sure of those in it. There is no way girls in boarding house will not engage in communal baths especially on those mornings when everybody is in a hurry to get to the classroom.

An apparently innocent gesture from a friend could become full-scale launch into their club. Once compromised, there is no getting out of it.

Besides, with the rate pictures are posted on the social network, the threat of a nude picture of you may be what they might use to blackmail you into submission.

Besides, you need a peaceful environment to concentrate on your studies.

These are points you must put forward to make your parents act.

By making it clear you aren’t ready to go back to that school, you leave your parents with no choice but to act in your best interest.

I’m sure by the time your mother gets the full picture; she will be the one championing your relocation from that school. It is just a matter of you having the guts to tell them about what you are going through.

Good luck.

My wife has become my headache

Dear Agatha,

I’m an elder in my church which makes it dif?cult for me to behave like ordinary 

members. But, I’m getting to a stage where I can no longer endure the situation because God will one day hold me accountable. There are a group of persons, all leaders in the church whose children are misbehaving. The worst thing is that the church turns the other way when ever incidents involving their children are brought to the church council; not even the general overseer of the church or his wife sees anything wrong in some of the issues involving their children.

For instance, two of such children were caught recently in one of the church rooms in a position of compromise. Being members of the choir, the church administrator sent them out of the choir and also suspended them from all of?cial duties of the church until further notice.

I was there when the matter came up and applauded his decisions on the matter. To my surprise when we came for service on Sunday, the youths were in their duty posts. The administrator, I later learnt resigned that morning following the insistence of the wife of the General Overseer that the youths go back to their duty posts.

According to her, the administrator lacks the authority to take such decisions without ?rst clearing from her or her husband. This won’t be the ?rst time such a development is happening in the church. 

When I tried to defend the administrator, the woman told me that if I wasn’t pleased with the way things were, I had a choice of resigning as an elder in the church.

I’m so ?abbergasted at what is happening all around me.

The major reason I’m writing you for help has to do with the attitude of my wife to it all. She appears to have joined the bandwagon as she came home challenging my decision to support the position of the administrator.

It has been hell for me since I told her of my decision to stop attending the church. Somehow, she has in?uenced my children too.

I’m broken by the attitude of all of them that I don’t know what to do anymore.

The issue is do I continue to stay in church to protect my home from disintegration, something my wife appears determined to do because of her position as wife of an elder or satisfy my conscience by insisting on leaving the church. The way things are, the choice is between my family and my faith.

Please help me make the right choice. I’m 52 years of age.

Elder Idowu

Dear Elder Idowu,

The choice between the family and one’s faith is often dif?cult and complex. But ultimately, one has to make an option along the path of preference and importance.

But one worrisome thing that has emerged from your story is the lack of a unity of minds and purpose between you and your wife. Although you didn’t say anything on the relationship between your wife and you prior to this development but the salient issue here shows that you both don’t operate on the same page or see things from the same perspective.

The fact that your wife is standing against your principle in such an obvious manner that would at the end of the day compromise your beliefs shows the presence of a more fundamental problem than the issue of the church.

It is only when you tackle the issue of your home that you can make a decision concerning your place of worship. In a way, God appears to be using the problem of the church to draw your attention to the more serious issue in your family.

To be an elder in the church, calls for thorough self appraisal at every point in life. Given the position of things in your home, can you in all honesty call yourself a worthy elder? How much value is your family life adding to the lives of others who want to go into matrimony or are having problems in their own marriages?

You cannot remove the dirt in another person’s eyes without ?rst removing yours. How can you see clearly if your eyes are covered in dirt?

How can you be an apostle of righteousness when you cannot in?uence your wife and children? If your wife is openly opposing your principle in church, how do you expect to earn respect from both the leadership and the led in the church?

For now, rest the matter of the church and address the more important one of your home.

What and who is the problem in your home? At what point did you lose the control to your wife so much so, she can get the children to rebel against you?

At 52, your future is already here. From this point, it is a downwards slide to eternity. So, if you fail to ?ght for the unity and progress of your home now, you may never have the chance to make right the things that are obviously very wrong with your marriage.

You cannot be a saint outside your home and be either a weakling or something much more in your home.

Begin the search of redemption of your home from yourself. Since getting married, how much of yourself have you invested in your home and family? This has nothing to do with providing them with money but taking interest in their development, values and ideals. How much time do you spend with them on the average?

A lot of time, men make the mistake of thinking their duties are over once they can provide their families with their basic needs. Unfortunately, that is just the beginning. Family life means the presence of both man and woman. There is an authority the presence of a man carries in the home. Once the children know he is the ?nal authority on all issues, they would think twice before misbehaving.

But when a man allows the woman absolute freedom to do as she pleases all in the name of being too busy, he risks losing total control of his in?uence and authority in the home.

This is why your wife appears to have the ?nal say over the children. If you were always at home, taking interest in the growth of your family, there is no way she would be able to completely in? uence the children to her side.

Also when a man is too harsh and overtly religious, he makes reasoning with him by his family impossible. He ends up alienating himself from his family, especially the children.

Often than not, the children take refuge in their mother who they see as a friend and if not aligned with her husband’s views, ends up taking full control of the children.

This is the point you tell yourself some basic truth as the children will soon be leaving your nest to set up their own homes. If you don’t make the effort to explain your past decisions to them, befriend them all over again, a decade from now, you will ?nd yourself all alone even though you still have a wife. This is because the children would be on their own and your wife, always with them.

Whatever your blames are, admit them by calling your wife ?rst for a private discussion before calling the children for a peace meeting.

Between you and your wife, both of you must resolve whatever differences you have by being frank. Each of you must be able to accept your share of blames with a view of helping the children bury whatever resentments and conclusions they have built over the years.

To get the children to cooperate, you in particular must appreciate that the children are no longer the babies of yesterday. Treat them with some respect to get them to open up and talk freely with you.

It is only after you have sealed whatever crack you have on your wall; that you can as a family discuss the issue of the church and take a uni?ed decision.

Truthfully, irrespective of your disappointment with the way things are being done in the church, you cannot take a unilateral decision to leave the church without factoring their views into it.  The fact alone gives a clue into the way you have been running your home and why the family has risen against you.

Throw the matter on the table and allow a detailed discussion before concluding on what ?nal step to take. Besides, once you are able to win your wife to your side, the children will have no choice but accept your argument and decision.

Good luck.