She doesn’t want to tell me who my father is

Share a problem with Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

My mother is one of the nicest women I have come across hence I’m always wary of hurting her.

I’m 22 years of age. She has been the only parent I have ever known. Not once has she mentioned my father or his family. Whenever I try to bring up the topic she becomes agitated and since she is very hypertensive, I do my best not to provoke her.

I’m her only child too. I don’t even know anything about her sex life as she appears to have frozen that aspect of her life. She goes and comes straight home from the office; has very few friends. Her family members too are extra protective of her so much so, the last time I tried to find out from her who my father is, my grandparent, uncles and aunties warned me never to make such demands of her. To appease me, my uncle who has never ceased to play the role of a father in my life, sent me on vacation to Paris with my cousins. 

I lack nothing because every member of my mother’s family is ready to give me whatever I demand for. I have searched for every possible clue, including prying through my mother’s secret documents when she isn’t around. I found nothing except my birth certificate that has her maiden name as my surname.

I also knew from the dates on her certificate that she had me while at the university; in her second year.

I enjoy all the attention but I really want to see my father. The nearest I have come to finding out who my father is; is a group photograph of her former schoolmates. In the pix, she leaned towards this very handsome man who from my looks, I share some similarities with.

There was no name at the back of the picture.

By August ending I shall be 23 years of old. If things go very well, I want to get married next year. 

It is very frustrating for me the way my mother and her family carry on about my paternity.

I also noticed that one of my rebellious aunties who isn’t in synergy with them and who has severally threatened to tell me who my father is, has been sent aboard. 

I feel lost and very angry at the same time. 

Don’t I have a right to know who my father is? What do I tell my children when they ask me for my father? please help me because much as I don’t want to hurt my mother, I want to know the identity of my father.

Stephanie.

Dear Stephanie,

It’s your right to know who your father is. Nobody should deny you that right.

But given the situation you have found yourself in, there is the need for you to be cautious else you risk making a total mess of everything.

On the surface, your mother has no right to deny you of meeting your father or his family members. But issues like yours go deeper than you realize because of the many complications and injuries that are tied to what you are demanding for.

The fact that your mother didn’t marry or remarry; has no known man friend; lives a semi secluded life should give you an insight into what might have gone wrong between them.

The actions of your mother alone is enough evidence that her hurt runs deep and that she must have loved you deeply to have kept you. Many women have been known to abandon their babies on the road side to escape memories of their misadventure.

That perhaps explains the special care and interest of her family in you. They obviously don’t want her worrying over you upkeep or taking a retrogressive step to her past.

It could also be the reason they don’t want you upsetting her with demands to see your father.

If you say she is hypertensive; that is only part of her story. She may have suffered some psychological damage to prompt her decision never to experience the love of a man again.

Until you get into the adult world properly, you may not totally comprehend all the different facets there are in the world of adults.

A simple matter of love that went wrong has been known to lead to deaths or insanity.

Doubtless, they are being unfair to you by denying you the identity of your father but if you are very patient, you will eventually understand the story behind it.

In your case, it has gone beyond your mother to her entire family. It only underscores how messy and complex the situation that brought you to life is.

The fact too that your father’s family, hasn’t made the effort to see you is also prove that things really went wary between them. If for nothing, they should have made the effort to fight for you or see you in school.

For this reason you cannot afford to be too hard on your mother or any member of her family in your quest to see your father.

This is because you aren’t even sure of their disposition towards you. To get your mother to talk, you need to sit her down for a mother-daughter discussion. Begin by appreciating her love, support and care all these years. It couldn’t have  been easy for her, despite the support from her family to take on the sole responsibility of looking after you.

Go ahead to tell her all the good things she has taught you as a mother and why you would never want to hurt her in life. Make it also clear to her that asking for the identity of your father isn’t because she has failed or that you would leave her to be with him: that until death, she remains your number one any day; any time.

Assure her that, no matter how scarlet, her past maybe, you will never judge her because her conduct, since knowing her, has made you very proud.

Make it clear to her that your quest to see your father is both primitive and inquisitive. Since our genes are wired to know who are parents are. No matter the mistakes made by our parents; the right of every child is to know those through he or she came into being.

Tell your mother that you don’t want to go through life not knowing who the other half of you is and that. Also, you want to avoid a situation where you might end up sleeping with your uncle, cousin or brother from your father’s side.

Besides all these, is the curiosity to know the man who fathered you.

Point out to her that telling you about her mistake could stop you from making a similar mistake.

If she refuses to heed your pleas, go to your grandparents and the rest of the family that you desire to see your father. Explain all these points to them as well as your gratitude for their love and care.

If they persist, ask them to imagine being in your shoes, not knowing who fathered you. Go on to ask them how they would feel not knowing the other half of their parentage. If they still refuse, threaten to go to the press or social network in your bid to locate your father. Let them know that you have a picture of your mother and her friends that would lead you to your father eventually. Ensure you have the picture in your custody before saying this as it is really the only clue you have of your father.

Since they wouldn’t want such negative publicity, they would be forced to reconsider their stance.

But this should be the last resort.

You could also try getting across to your rebellious aunty. Appeal to her conscience by asking her how she would feel without knowing who her father is. Since she appears not to be in consensus with the family, she may end up giving you the lead you need to meet your father.

Whatever you eventually come up with, don’t ever turn your back on your mother or hold any grudge against her. Always be respectful and thankful for her sacrifices on you.

Besides, you are not too young to adopt prayers as a tool for survival. With God everything is possible.  Before talking to your mother, commit her heart to God. Above all, appreciate one fact; some memories are very painful to drag out. This could be the reason she and the family do not want to talk about it. All you need to win this battle is an unusual maturity and wisdom.

Good luck.

My husband has fertility problem

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626Dear Agatha, 

I got married three years ago. My husband and I have been trying for a child since then. There is no place I haven’t been to in my quest for a child. There is no medication; I haven’t taken in my bid to be a mother. Since women are always to blame for the absence of a child in a marriage, I didn’t bother my husband too much to accompany me for any medical test. 

 I just wanted to please him by having a baby. It wasn’t until I got introduced to my current doctor who insisted that for her to examine me, she must see my husband.  

 Then I pressured him to come with me to see the doctor. After series of medical examinations, she certified me fit but sent my husband for more tests. Finally, it was discovered that he has low sperm count hence was placed on certain drugs with the instruction that we should make love as frequently as possible.

  He was specifically told that meeting me during my ovulation period would enhance my chances of becoming pregnant. Since I didn’t want to deflate his ego, I wisely refused to discuss it with him especially as he didn’t bring it up.

  The first few months, he abided by the doctor’s instruction but after the third month, he went back to doing things his way. Sometimes, he won’t come near me for weeks and when he finally does, it is over in a few minutes. 

 When I tried to complain about the unfair way he was treating me, he flared up and accused me of conniving with the doctor to conceal my inability to give him a child; he described the diagnosis of the doctor that he has low sperm count as false and baseless. He promised to surprise me by impregnating another woman. 

 There was no name he didn’t call the doctor and I. Two months ago, I developed a very nasty itch in my private part; on examination, I was told I have a sexually transmitted disease.

  When I confronted my husband with the situation, he told me to do whatever pleases me that he has since lost interest in our marriage. He went on to ask what use is having a woman in the house who cannot give him a child? The pressure is too much and my close friends are urging me to go out of my marriage and get pregnant to keep my husband. 

 Although I have resisted so far but three weeks ago, I ran into an old friend and I am seriously contemplating dating him. I am so confused. 

Bisi

Dear Bisi, No matter the challenges you are going through in your present marriage, don’t fall into the temptation of playing in the field. It isn’t worth it.

You honestly have a good case now but once you decide to pay your husband back in his own coin, you end up being the loser.

No matter how permissive we have become as a people, certain things never change.

A married woman must be loyal to her vows. If a woman must play the field, she reserves the right to end her marriage which I am sure isn’t what you intend to happen in your marriage.

Whatever you are going through in your marriage isn’t strange. Every marriage has its share of crisis and upheavals. The difference between failure and success is the ability to endure difficult periods like this in a marriage.

Despite the behaviour of your husband, you must try to understand him; he is going through the worst kind of emotional crisis any man can go through in life. His reaction is a cry for help.

Being told that his chances of fathering a child is very slim on account of having low sperm count can’t be easy. It is easier to blame the woman for being the cause of childlessness in a marriage than the man. One thing men cherish the most is their viability.

And the usual thing is that since a man can sleep with a woman, he is considered hale and hearty; to be confronted with the knowledge that being able to have an erection doesn’t make a complete man of him needs getting used to. Your man is still in a severe state of shock. He needs all the time in the world to appreciate the issue before him.

Understandably, so many questions are currently cascading through his mind; the major one being doubt. Not many men know that ejaculating semen during lovemaking doesn’t mean they have healthy sperm.

A healthy sperm is the one with the force to make a woman pregnant. If a healthy man releases about 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm cells in a single ejaculation to get just one of the sperms to fertilise a ripe female egg, what chance does a man with low sperm count have to do the same job? Without him realising or admitting it, he needs you more than ever before.

He needs your strength as a woman to pull through this very difficult period in his life. Like fish out of water, he will fight at first until he has no strength in him. It is a matter of his pride and ego as a man you are dealing with here. Unless you are patient, there is no stunt he isn’t capable of pulling in his current state of mind.

This is his most vulnerable; when a designing and desperate lady can pin on him another man’s pregnancy. For a man looking for ways to prove the doctor wrong, his joy at being told he is responsible for a pregnancy will eclipse his sound rationality at least when it matters the most. For this reason, you have to know when to ignore him and pretend all is well.

That he brought home a Sexually Transmitted Disease underscores the kinds of women he is bringing into his life. With the tense situation between the two of you, don’t bother with him, go and get yourself treated immediately because to wait for him is to expose yourself to the consequences of secondary infection.

It is imperative you eliminate that first before informing him for his own well being that he has contacted an STD from one of his girlfriends.

Show him the receipt and medical report of your own infection from him and how much the treatment cost you. The fact that you deliberately refused to quarrel with him over the matter might make him apply the breaks and reconsider the sanity of his actions.

If he doesn’t, continue to ignore him and insist on a condom whenever he comes to you for lovemaking. Explain your insistence on the use of a form of protection; let him know it has nothing to do with your love for him but that of protecting your reproductive health and as well as general health from danger.

Sincerely only very few men would be calm on hearing this kind of verdict. Many men will do precisely what he is doing. But from experience, this kind of behaviour soon expires leaving them exhausted and calm.

Therefore you need to help him plan ahead; think of the many options both of you can explore as a couple as well as all the assurances of your love and support. No man wants the world to know about his inability in this area of life.

This is the kernel of his behaviour. As always, there is no challenge too great for God to overcome. Many men with low sperm count have recovered to father children after adhering strictly to recommended treatment.

He must be disciplined to overcome this challenge; this is where you should focus your prayers. If at the end of the day, he is still unable to father a child, both of you should consider the option of adopting one. The kinds of emotions, investment, time and love we invest in a child is what makes the difference.

The difference between a biological child and an adopted child is that one grows in the mother’s tummy while the other grows in the heart. Through reassuring him of your love and support, he will soon overcome this challenge.

Good luck.

He wants me to monitor his wife

With Auntie Agatha

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I live in this kind of compound where everybody pretends to mind his or her business. I used the word, pretend because we all seem to know what is going on inside the private rooms of one another.

There are six flats in our house and the landlord occupies the two flats at the last floor. He has three wives and several children.

From what we gather each time there is an outbreak of fight between the man and his wives, the women are in charge of taking care of the children.

The first wife is an established business woman so her children are better off. The last wife came in as a full time housewife. By the time she had her first child, she realized the mess she was in. she practically became a nuisance to all the tenants as she begged for money to take care of her needs.

Sometimes, the first wife would give her money to buy things for the baby. By the time the second child came, she became desperate to find a job or begin a business. It was at that time, the husband started romancing another woman so he didn’t bother with her anymore.

I don’t know what happened but there is this man in our compound the other tenants are rumoring gave her substantial money to begin a business. She has even bought a car and is hardly seen at home. 

The wife of the tenant who has been away for sometime is also complaining and threatening to deal with whosoever is trying to destroy her home.

But the problem I have now is that our landlord has enlisted me and my flat-mate to monitor his wife and report back to him. He has promised to write off our outstanding rents if we come up with reports of his younger wife’s illicit affair with the tenant.  

He has also threatened to tell the wife of another tenant of my affair with her husband if my flat-mate and I don’t play ball. 

I don’t know what to do because I may have my own moral issues but monitoring his wife? I don’t know what to do. Furthermore, do I tell his wife about this issue? I’m close to the woman in question.

Confused Lady.

Dear Confused Lady,

If the landlord has problems in his family, let him manage it his own way. You were not there when he decided to get married to this particular wife or took the decision to manage his home the way he liked.

Marriage is a personal decision of the persons involved. Your landlord knew his limits before deciding to go into polygamy. He knew the consequences of getting married to women he can’t adequately provide for. Marriage isn’t just about producing children; it is also about a man taking responsibility for the children born to him.

What right thinking man asks his unemployed wife to care for her children? Where is he expecting such a woman to get the money from? Is donating sperm the only thing that makes him a husband and father? The moment a man fails to play his role as father and husband, he abdicates every right he has over the woman to other men that find his wife attractive.

Before any man can make such a law, he must have done the right thing of setting the woman up in business or employment. What makes him a father if he cannot provide for the children he fathered? Whose name are the children answering to?

Even though the lady in question is reaping the fruits of her greed by marrying a man who already has two wives, the truth is, it is their private matter.

While I’m not defending the decision of the woman to have an affairs don’t get involved in his private affair. If a man cannot manage his home, he shouldn’t get others involved in his mess.

The worst he can do is to ask you to quit his house; it won’t be the end of the world for you.

Although you also haven’t acted right by dating another woman’s husband and a neighbour for that matter; don’t allow the landlord use your indiscretion to make you do something you don’t ever want to do.

The truth is, if you fall for his threats now, he will keep using it to blackmail you into doing whatever he wants you to do, including also having his way with you.

You should ask yourself why he came to you and your flat-mate? Aren’t there other tenants in the house he could have asked for this kind of assistance? He came to you because he is aware of the kind of life-style you have adopted.

Given the kind of things his wife has acquired of recent as well as the gossips about them, he definitely knows what is happening but is looking for an excuse to force you into sharing his bed.

Besides, your secret is an open among the tenants. The woman you want to monitor may also be aware; the wife of the man who she is having the affair with his landlady may also not be ignorant of your games with the other tenant and could be referring to you when she declared war on the woman attempting to destroy her home.

Something tells me the landlord isn’t as concerned about his wife’s escapades as he appears to be. He certainly has something up his sleeve which at the end of the day may not be in your interest at all.

If it is his wife he wants to expose, it is a simple matter of paying someone to trail the wife and her lover to their hideout. He doesn’t need you to do his dirty work. There is something more at stake here.

You may have offended him and he is now out to have his pound of revenge or simply looking for ways to evict you from his house. Whatever his plans are; they are ominous for you especially as he knows you are close to the wife in question. He might just be under the impression that you know one or two things about his wife’s movements and escapades.

This could be one of his reasons for asking you to monitor and report back to him his wife’s movements.

Therefore, the time has come for you to move and redefine your life because even if you get a serious man interested in marrying you; that isn’t the kind of place to bring him to as people would expose your past to him.

I don’t think you should get yourself involved with the man or woman either. Once you tell her of her husband’s plans, you are already involved. They are all adults and know the implications of what they are doing.

Like I said before, greed was her motivation in agreeing to the marriage. Her decision also to go outside her home for the material things of life is also greed driven.

Once you decide to tell her, it means, you have compromised and therefore under obligations too to report your findings to her husband.

When next he demands for a report of the assignment he gave to you, nicely explain to him that you don’t have any to give him; that you may have made mistakes in your life but you don’t want the extra burden of knowing you helped to destroy another woman’s home. That if he has any issue with her, he should personally do what he has to do as a man and not use you to achieve whatever he has in mind.

For your sake, begin the process of relocating from the place and beginning a kind of life your income can sustain.

Good luck.

How do I protect my son and I?

With Auntie Agatha

Email: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am desperate for a solution to my problem, which started 13 years ago. 

I had an affair with my friend’s young sister in a moment of weakness. She has always been the wild type and that night, I came home tired. Her brother and I shared a flat. Till date, I don’t know how it all started, but the fact remains that she and I ended up in bed that night. By morning, it was too late to change the hands of the clock. So, I did the gentleman’s thing of telling my friend all about it and asking him to support my desire to marry her, even though I was nothing near my goal in life.

Knowing how wild his sister is, he tried to discourage me from doing it, but changed his mind when she came back a month later to announce her pregnancy. Unknown to me, she had always boasted to her family and friends that whether I liked it or not, she would end up having me all to herself. I, on the other hand, had always prided myself as principled.

My friend, her brother, who knew all about her scheming wasn’t comfortable with the whole set up and kept telling me that if I changed my mind about marrying his sister, I could always count on his support.

Since the flat was originally mine, my friend moved out to give us privacy. Being my friend’s sister, my family didn’t object too much. I was forced against my will to accept employment from my father’s company to enable me settle into the marriage.

My elder sister whom I told of how it all happened and about my lack of love for her, counselled me to endure the few years, that after a while, I would come to see her a friend if nothing else.

I ignored all her attitudes during her pregnancy, ascribing them to her condition. She refused to cook my meals. All she did was to give commands to the house help. Severally, her brother dragged the mother to come and talk sense into her; but she told them to mind her business. Her mother kept pleading with me for understanding and being naturally a patient person, it wasn’t difficult for me to endure. 

However, the birth of my son gave me something to be happy about. He was so cute and adorable. He made me forget my lukewarm feelings toward the mother. At that moment, I was ready to love her unconditionally as well as do everything to make the marriage work.

Unfortunately, she abandoned the child and me after six months on the excuse that motherhood and matrimony was inhibiting her freedom and choice to live her life the way she liked.

No member of her family knew her whereabouts. Her mother offered to look after the child; but my mother insisting on taking the child with her to California. My son is now 13. 

After that incident, I refused to have anything with a woman for a long time until I met my current girlfriend three years ago. 

At first, I didn’t tell her about my son since I wasn’t too sure of a future between us. I however made up my mind to marry her about three months ago. So, I told her about my son. I was prepared for anger, but not to the extent of telling me she wouldn’t want to live with my son under the same roof. But, she is now back begging me to forgive her that she was now prepared to accept my son and me unconditionally.

To be frank, I am very sceptical about all this. I don’t want to expose my son to a situation that might not augur well for his development. Neither do I want to open my heart to another woman capable of hurting me later in life.

Please help me. I am 39.

Henry.

Dear Henry,

In a way, you are to blame for her reactions. Why did you wait until three years after your meeting to inform her about something so fundamental and which also involves her person?

Frankly, your excuse is baseless. How would telling her have affected your decision to marry her or not?

If she reacted violently, it is only for the reason that she didn’t know the man she has been dating for three years well enough. At that point, you came across to her as a complete stranger, some she was just seeing for the first time. In her shoes, what would have been your reactions: that a woman you have been with for three years, keeps such important information away from you?

You didn’t have this child the day you told her. The child has been in your life for 13 years, long before you met her. So, you can’t say you didn’t remember to inform her about him all these while you were having and fine-tuning the relationship.

Telling her just three months ago, is presenting her with little choice because she has invested time to get to the point of you finding her worthy of asking her to be your wife. If you didn’t tell her about your son, my guess is you also never mentioned the fact that you were once married to another woman. So, not only is she faced with the reality of a stepchild, but that of an ex-wife. These are things you should have told her long ago. Besides, you just don’t inform a person you are about to marry about things like that, you discuss such an issue with the person. This is because, both parties would have to work together to arrive at a compromise situation to make things easy for you. What you have done is to tell this woman that you don’t trust her as well as put to question your declaration of love for her.

How do you expect her to be a mother to a child she doesn’t even know exists? What time does she have to get to know him not to talk of learning to love him the way the child deserves to be loved by the woman who would be mother to him?

To be candid, you are the problem here. If she becomes a difficult stepmother, it is only because you laid the foundation for her to be suspicious of your intentions and placement of your son over her. Only few women wouldn’t react the way she did or not think your attitude has to do with the quality of love you have for her.

Sincerely, you owe her an apology for not preparing her for the task of being a stepmother of a 13-year-old child.

She said those things because she was hurt beyond measure. There is no way you expect her to applaud what you did or automatically welcome the idea of this boy staying with you, especially if she didn’t know anything about your previous marriage to another woman or that the child is living with your mother outside the country.

More than you, she is the one who needs all the assurances you are for real and that you don’t have any more dangerous secrets you are keeping away from her. Even though she came back of her own free will, to earn her trust and get the best from her, you must explain everything about your previous marriage to her. She is entitled to every detail of what transpired between you and your ex.

She needs to arm herself with this information to enable her defend or understand your reasons for certain decisions you may take. Because you have a past she isn’t a part of and which she doesn’t have, you have to trust her for herself as well as offer the platform to trust you sufficiently to place her life in your care.

Irrespective of whether you were the injured one or not, the fact that you have a record of a broken marriage behind you doesn’t exactly make you her best choice considering the headache and stress an ex-wife with a child/children represent for the new woman.

If she is therefore willing to take her chances with you, the best you can do is learn to trust her reason. Second guessing an action she has not even taken could cost you this relationship. Another thing you should avoid is to bury your disappointed with your first wife. Don’t allow the memories of how she treated you and her son continue to affect your chances of happiness with another woman.

You have to learn to live and love again, else you subconsciously give her the freedom to continue to rule your life and hurt you all over again.

Make the effort to create an opportunity for your son and his future mother to meet. If you haven’t told your son about her, please make out the time to. Ensure he understands your reason to have a woman in your life. Be patient to listen to his questions because they mirror his fears as well as hope. Don’t make promises you know maybe impossible.

Don’t also try to be the image-maker of your woman. Allow both of them meet and fall in love with each other naturally. Both of them have to find their cadence together as mother and child. Step aside for them to make the necessary mistakes as well as the required adjustment to move forward. They each have to learn to respect the place and feelings of the other because she would produce your son’s other siblings.

Believe me, if you handle this situation with maturity and wisdom it requires, you will have less to worry about.

Above all learn to pray yourself into success always.

Good luck.