He is rude to my husband

Dear Agatha, My mother-in-law married four men and had children for all of them. Her last husband was a wealthy man hence the children from that marriage are better off in terms of financial empowerment than the rest of them. Because of this, she tilts towards these children more than she does others. My husband belongs to her first generation of children. His father too wasn’t poor but he is the kind of man who believes in finding his way through life. Besides, he is the only one from his mother to his father hence is very careful not to be involved in any of the paternal family politics. The fact that his father loved him the most among all his children made him more determined to keep his distance from the family when his father passed on. All of them are closer to the maternal family due to their mother’s influence. They all contribute to their mother’s upkeep but in recent times, business hasn’t been too good for my husband who is a government contractor. They are yet to be paid for contracts done so we are a little bit down on cash resulting in him not being able to meet some of his financial obligations to his mother. As a result his younger brother, the last of them all has become very rude to him; right in the presence of his mother, he would talk to my husband ruddy. Just last week, right in my presence, he told my husband who had gone to celebrate with their mother on her birthday to be mindful of how our children played around the living room since he just spent a fortune renovating the place. Their eldest brother who too is a struggling man tried to reprimand him but was also given the same ill-mannered treatment melted on my husband. I am getting fed up of the entire thing. I want to go and confront him; to demand he stops humiliating my husband who until recently was the one who gave the most money to their mother. As it is, I really don’t care anymore what the consequences would be as my husband keeps giving the excuse of not wanting to destroy the family as reason for putting up with his baby brother’s arrogance. It is painful that my husband doesn’t act the man I want him to in this kind of situation. He is too soft for my liking and his attitude is really irritating me. What should I do? Sumbo. Dear Sumbo, Much as I appreciate your hurt and embarrassment at this whole thing, please don’t instigate any quarrel between you and your brother-in-law. Don’t forget that what binds them is very strong. The mother’s blood is very strong hence they can come back together in the future and you would be the common enemy. This is because their relationship with each other predates your own with their brother. They grew up together, have knowledge of each other that you don’t have and know the limits they can go with each other. To jump into their relationship midway is to put yourself on the firing line. I am sure this isn’t the first time in their lives that they are would be having such disagreements; the fact that you met them still on speaking terms means they have evolved their own way of resolving such disagreements. Also, that he could talk to their eldest brother in the same manner he talks to your husband means this boy isn’t saying or doing anything he hasn’t done before. There are certain kinds of situation you don’t join issues with a person especially one who is young and on an ego trip. If he obviously lacks respect for his elder brothers, isn’t mindful of how he addresses them or who is in the audience, what assurances do you have that he is ready to extend any courtesy to you? As a woman, you will definitely not be able to stomach his behavior and your reactions would only complicate the tense situation in the family. Your husband who hasn’t bothered to pay attention to his brother’s acid tongue may not be able to stand it when the insult is on you. He would be forced to join issues with his brother to protect you. This would unquestionably lead to both of them exchanging words and taking some very fundamental decisions that might go beyond you to the children. So many problems a lot of us are fighting in our foundations came about from situations like this. Therefore, before you act, consider the implications on your children as well as the essence of what you want to achieve by going to him. How much of difference is your talking to a man who is an adult going to make on his behavior? If his mother is obviously not able to bridle his mouth, what can you the wife of the brother he loathes, do? If he is as bad as you say, the story would be you came to beg him for money and decided to insult him when he couldn’t give you enough. Such people don’t learn their lessons from within the family circle; they get to learn from people outside. Furthermore, you should be careful to avoid being blamed for anything that might happen to him after your proposed confrontation. There is always an unexpected turn at every corner in life. Should that unexpected turn happen seconds after the confrontation; there is no way you can escape being the prime suspect. Your husband’s way though may appear weak and embarrassing to you, is still the best approach in life. Learn to ignore anybody who is seeking relevance which is what your brother-in-law is doing. Anybody who likes using the disadvantage of another person to feel important, is best ignored. As a woman who has the interest of her husband at heart, what you should do is to really pray for your husband’s to regain his former glory back. Once he is able to recover his money with the government, things would be better for him. You should also begin to plan for tomorrow; how you can help him improve his financial viability so when the finacial draughts comes you can still feed well. Rather than waste precious time thinking of how to confront your brother-in-law, help your husband come up with a business that he can diversify into alongside his contractor job. Don’t forget that his kind of business is seasonal and depends mostly on who one knows. But having a business on the side would help him keep his prestige as a husband and man. The best way to keep people like your brother-in-law in check is to succeed. This should be your goal, not joining issues with a man who probably has never worked in his life on account of the money his father left him. Only a person, who has worked hard in life, appreciates the struggles of another man. There is no way he can ever appreciate the challenges his brother is going through if he hasn’t experienced his kind of challenge. As a matter of fact, if there is anybody you should be talking to, it is their mother who in her lifetime is unwittingly destroying her children by her inability to put her last son in check. The mere fact that she didn’t say or do anything, shows that she may be the silent voice behind her last son’s loud one. You can go to her without fear of any consequence whatsoever. She is their mother and has the responsibility of shaping her children’s future. Even though they are all grown ups, she still has a task of helping them to imbibe the right attitudes and morals. As gently as possible, let her know where she went wrong in the training of her children. If possible, point her at the future implications of her inability to plant and nurture love between her children. Let her know that it could be the end of her dynasty after she dies. To get her to listen and take action, make it clear that people are already talking and saying that she is tolerating the situation because she didn’t have them for the same man and that the younger son is getting away with his behavior because his father is the wealthier of her husbands. This little information is to give her a reason to think and act. Above all, never forget to pray for the family since nothing is impossible before God. Good luck.

Is this guy serious?

Dear Agatha, I am in my early 30s. There is this guy who is 36 and whom I dated in 2010. He promised me marriage and I accepted. But in December of that same year, we had a misunderstanding over a simple issue and that was the end of the relationship. By January, 2011; he relocated to Abuja. In April 2012, he called to apologise and to ask we resume our relationship. He also demanded I come to meet him in Abuja. I knew if I go to visit him, he would want to sleep with me so I decided to test him by asking him to pay N20,000 into my account which would be enough for my travelling. He flared up and promptly asked me not to bother coming again and that I should never call him again. All of a sudden this June, he came back again; this time to declare his willingness to marry me and that he has come to the realisation we are meant for each other. I asked him to come over to Lagos if indeed true he wanted me for his wife. He said he can’t come to Lagos now that I should instead come to Abuja. He was in Lagos in March this year. I know he is hiding something. Please advice me. Worried Girlfriend. Dear Worried Girlfriend, For both of you to move beyond the point both of you are now, there is the need for both of you to talk about the past and future. Both of you must know what went on in your lives since you both parted. He must tell you the experiences that informed his current stance about you as well as those things that have changed about him. You too must be sure about him to venture into a relationship with him again because it is very clear that you don’t trust him one bit. Your reactions to him and his proposal isn’t the kind expected from a woman who is in love with the man in her life. There is only one conclusion to this kind of feeling; you are not very sure about what you feel for him at all. This, you must clear before you can both move on in life. No one but you can sort the reason you are not so excited about him; appear not to be bowed over by his marriage proposal. This is why you don’t trust him a little bit and are unwilling to take any kind of risk with him. The question is; what do you feel for him? And the follow up one is; do you think you can withstand him for the rest of your life? Many a time couples premise their marriages on notions and pressures. When a couple goes into marriage thinking they can change each other and mend bad bends as they journey on in marriage, they get to a point of acute disappointment because adults are the most difficult to change. Therefore, whatever you cannot change now, don’t make the mistake of many women who think they can change their men after the wedding ceremony. Besides, the beginning of a relationship is when a woman has the most power over her man. If he cannot create time out of no time to come over to Lagos to iron and fine-tune things between the two of you, be careful how you tread with him. He should as a matter of fact be the one coming over to Lagos to re-establish his authority over you. If he cannot make this necessary sacrifice for the sake of this relationship at this very tender stage, when is he going to make one for you? He is the one who wants to marry you and considering there is an issue on the ground between both of you; he should be the one to come first; thereafter, you can go to him as many times as you like. His coming would tell you how much you mean to him. If you go, you put yourself at his mercy especially if you don’t have enough funds on you to stay in a hotel. Besides, Abuja has become his territory; not yours so he has the advantage of familiarity with the environment to pressure you into doing exactly as he wants. In Abuja, he can do as he pleases with you. Besides, marriage shouldn’t be the first thing he should propose given the mountains of disagreements between the two of you. It has been almost two years you both stopped dating officially. So much could have happened between then and now. He shouldn’t assume you are always free for him to walk in and out of your life just like that. It is also wrong for him to think that all that is required is for him to offer you a marriage proposal and you would come running to Abuja without first clearing all those cobwebs of yesterday. No relationship works that way. If you make the mistake of jumping on board a vehicle or plane going to Abuja without first sorting things out with him, you just might be setting yourself up for disappointment and pains. A workable marriage must be pegged on realistic goals; not feelings and desires. Granted marriage is a product of sentiments but experience has shown it doesn’t work that way. Without a realistic and honest foundation, there is no cementing the bond between two people. Insist, you can only accept his offers if he makes himself available for you both to discuss why you have been having problems in your relationships. If both of you are finding it absolutely difficult finding an equilibrium in your current relationship, then how do you both propose to conduct a successful marriage? There is no sweeping all these discordant issues between both of you under the carpet at all. To do so is to build a store of future troubles in your relationship. Trust me these aren’t issues a couple discuss when sex is the main agenda of their meeting. He must have a sincerity of purpose, must be interested in the future of the relationship for both of you to have a meaningful result. Besides, why isn’t he enthusiastic about coming over to see you in Lagos? Is there any one or situation he is trying to avoid by coming over to see you in Lagos? Go to Abuja only after both of you have cleared all your outstanding issues and not before. Successful marriage can only be accomplished if done right and not in a hurry. Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha, I do have a problem and it has to do with not having a woman in my life. I have met a lot of women in my life but never had anything serious to do with any of them. Mostly, my interest in them is limited to sex. And when I finally found a woman I desired to keep, she walked out on me because, she thinks I am only interested in sex. Thank God, I don’t sleep with call girls or prostitutes, because I don’t patronize them. But the issue is that I’m scared of women because they want too much and demand too much from men. I want a woman who is less demanding, not just in material things but also too much expectations from me. Like when to make calls or not, doing things together, listening to her. Sometimes, a man just needs a free time to just think. Women need too much attention and when you don’t give them that attention, they start making assumptions. Aunty, I need a woman in my life. Loneliness is killing me and I have learnt my lesson. How do I go about searching for a woman. I feel guilty just walking to a girl and start talking sweet nonsense to her ears and I know it’s the sex I’m more interested in. I don’t need that. Should I go to my church and find one? I think that is sinful because God’s house is for worships and not dating. Can I find one on this platform? My number is 08122351449. I’ll be glad if I can find one here. I’m Igbo and I don’t like long distance relationships. I don’t mind what tribe or religion the lady comes from or practices. I love buxom or plus size women but don’t mind simple women and I don’t like loud women. I love creative and ambitious women and can align my own dreams and ambitions with hers. Thank you. Ben Okafor. benokafor50@gmail.com. 08122351449. Dear Ben, Having gone through your mail, I cannot but wish you luck in your search for your ideal woman. I honestly think you should be more honest with your wants in a woman as well as clearer on your motive for wanting a woman in your life. Good luck.

She cannot satisfy me sexually

Dear Agatha, God bless you for your wonderful advice to people. I am married with three children and living in Europe. My wife is from my town; I love her and my children so much and try my best to see that they lack nothing. The problem I am having with her is her inability to satisfy me sexually. She hates anything that will disturb her sleep. I sleep in the children room because she complains I snore and disturbs her sleep. I only go inside our room when we want to have sex which after which I go back to children’s room. I dare not wake her up for sex no matter how aroused I am because she will definitely turn me down with nagging. Sometimes, she insists we have sex only once in a week because she doesn’t want her female anatomy to expand. This is a woman who delivered all her children through Cesarean Section (CS) because her pelvis is too small to allow for normal birth. Secondly, I wonder who she wants to preserve herself for? I don’t want to have an affair outside my marriage but she is pushing me by her attitude to do other wise. I always tell her the implications of what she is doing but I don’t know her reason for all her behaviour. Please advice me before our marriage is destroyed IK. Dear IK, Has she always been like this? Did both of you pre-empt your marital vows? If you didn’t, were you her first lover? How was it like in the early days? And if you did; what were the early days like between the two of you? Queer as this may sound, not every woman is interested in sex. For some women, it is a nightmare which they have to endure for the moment the exercise lasts. They find sex unbearable, uninteresting and a complete nightmare. Has she ever complained about sex to you? At least get this angle out of the way first by asking her what her general views are about sex. You may have been having sex with her without noticing her attitude towards the whole thing. That a woman is putting up with it and having children doesn’t translate to her enjoying the act. Assure her that you are man enough to cope with her confession as long as it resolves the emotional pains your marriage is going through. Take her through every stage of your sex life, probing here and there for explanations as to why she put up an attitude at one time and a different attitude at another time. Also ask her about her attitude towards you and the marriage. When some women get tired of a man, they can adopt some emotionally abusive attitudes intended to force the man to make the decision to end the marriage. The situation in your home calls for absolute honesty; not one shadowed by fear of losing her or the security you have built around your marriage. Every marriage has its period of crisis; one both parties must resolve to form a formidable front in overcoming. It is more daunting if the challenge has to do with sexual satisfaction; no marriage can survive sexual disharmony for long. It will get to a point you will be forced to seek fulfillment outside your home. Whatever you have to find out; including what happened to her in her early years, ask her. Frostiness in the bedroom also could be from an ugly incident in the past or the tales told her by her mother about sex. Many a time, the approaches we adopt to issues in our adult years are influenced by the kinds of things our childhood environments taught and exposed us to. Evidently, there are certain things you both didn’t discuss before you got married. Ironically, sex, the very core of every reasonable marriage is what most couples neglect to discuss at the onset of their relationships. Many couples assume that once a woman and man can perform the ancient dance, everything is okay. Unfortunately, being able to perform the act doesn’t guarantee things will always be well between the couple. In your discussions, you both must be able, to at least say, how often you want sex to be between the two of you. if she is insisting once a week is enough for her and you want it everyday; one of the rules governing marriage places emphasis on compromise. Though not a tidy way of resolving the issue of sex, at least it will to an extent lessen the tension in your home until you either get used to it or she chances her attitude towards you. As a preamble, an informal kind of calendar will help resolve the immediate issue of how regular sex should be between the two of you. However, let it be known that in between time-table, sex is permitted by either party. This is because spontaneity makes the whole experience worthwhile. This period is intended to help both of you revive and find your soul as a couple. It is to help remind you both without bitterness and tension the sacrifices, patience and tolerance that are needed to triumph over difficult situation in a marriage. Beyond sex, how close are the two of you as a couple? Are you both friends; able to discuss and talk as two people that really want to spend the rest of their lives together? I ask this because sex alone doesn’t enhance the value of a marriage. both of you must have an understanding of each other’s needs, appreciate the feelings and thinking of the other person and grow the kind of selflessness and sacrifice needed to accommodate each other’s shortcomings. You both need to work on all these aspects. There is no having a rewarding sexual relationship without growing the out of bedroom connection. Everything about you must excite her just as she must be able to stimulate you into ease and comfort outside the bedroom. This is the panacea to a wonderful and wholesome relationship. Friends don’t bother about the shortcomings of each other. If there is this bond between, she won’t be bothered about your snores, would be oblivious of it and wakes you up to turn if it is really bad. You are having this problem because there is nothing to hold on to. She is short-fused, angry and irritated because both of you have become strangers to each other. Depending on how much both of you want this union to last; this is the time to restructure your marriage. You must appreciate the pressures she is going through as a woman and mother in a foreign land. As her husband, you must look for ways of helping her to cope better and give her time to manage her stress during the day time. The work of a mother is stressful. You shouldn’t be interested in her only when you want to make love; be involved during the day time too. If necessary go back to the drawing board; bring back the nostalgia of the early days; it will help you both remember what it was like and those things you forgot to do. It will aid you to remember the point you lost your focus and dreams. It may not be as easy as this, but once you are able to find each other again, sieving the through your mistakes will be a lot easier. It is therefore imperative you tackle everything together and not attempt to isolate the other issues from this process. You should also not neglect to examine your own mistakes either as a person, husband, friend and father. Even if your decision to marry was made in error; once you both agree to make it work, the errors of the past can become the strength of your marriage. Thank goodness, you are still in love with her; it makes the process of finding peace with your wife easier. Love helps the heart to endure certain abnormal situations while friendship allows the entire psychology of the human mind cope with pains and disappointments. Pay her compliments; listen always to her needs, fears and deep anxieties. If she is saying she doesn’t want her body to lose its vibrancy; it tells you of an hidden fear from someone’s experience or from something you may have said unknowingly. Allay whatever fears she has in that direction. One of the things complicating to this situation is staying in different rooms. Do everything humanly possible to ensure you both share a room. Sleeping in your children’s room is giving them a bad example. Good luck.

She is stubborn

Dear Agatha, Thanks for the positive changes you are making in the lives of people. I am 35years old and my fiancée is 23. We have dated for almost three years. I’m thinking of fixing our traditional marriage ceremony for December. I reside in Lagos while she stays in a neighbouring state. She is a little bit stubborn. If she makes up her mind to do something, she will, no matter what anybody feels about her decision. She has this attitude that, at worse, she will come back to apologise at the end of the day. It has been her way of life and is giving me cause for concern. The latest incident that really got me angry has to do with a text message she sent to inform me of a bachelor’s eve she and her friends planned to attend in another town. Despite registering my discomfort and decision for her not to attend the event she still attended. Following this, I called off the relationship and told her to forget everything about me. She has since been asking for forgiveness. I’m confused. For how long will I continue to live like that? She will always insist on doing things her way after which she will come back to beg for forgiveness. I regard this attitude as stubbornness and this is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who has her kind of attitude. I need your candid advice. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, This isn’t a challenge you handle with anger because annoyance has a way of destroying so many things in life. First you must acknowledge that we are all equally allocated a habit that will always irritate others, especially our loved ones. If you care to look inwards at yourself, you will also discover a side of you that don’t jell with others particularly those very close to you. The beauty about life is our ability to accommodate our weaknesses and focus on our strengths. She may be stubborn but what about her other qualities, that have kept this relationship going for three years? This is the time for you to focus on those special attributes you may find very difficult to replace in another woman. Just as we all have our bad sides, we are also blessed with very positive unique qualities; the kind that will never be available in another person. This is what makes us special and our own persons. Compare her most unique quality with her stubbornness; place these two attributes on a scale; deep in your mind which one affects you the most? How much happiness and pride has the good side of her given you as a man? How often do you derive pleasure from her integrity and love as a woman? Is her stubbornness an everyday thing, the kind you wake up to every morning? There is no ideal relationship anywhere but a perfect determination to make it work. This means, there are no guarantees that the next woman you are going to meet will be perfect for you. Then the question is; how many women are you going to date before making up your mind on one? At 35, you are 13 years older than her, this means you have more experience than she has. At her age, she is just emerging from that age of excitement and fun. Don’t forget she is still in school; the age of parties and numerous friends. If you slow down a bit, you will recall your own yearnings, dreams at her age. True some people mature faster than others, but certain things never really change. We are servants to each season of life. There is no way a child of three will ever act like that of 10. Just like a child of 11 can never act like that of 21. Every season has an identification tag. The memories of her restrictive teenage years are not too far from her mind. She wants to have a feel of life before she settles down with you. Understandably at 35, your years are counting, hers at 23, is just beginning. If you push her too hard, you may lose her because what you consider her stubbornness may just be a desire on her side to enjoy some level of freedom, an intoxicating substance that requires patience to defeat. As the more experienced one, you must also understand the danger of using too much force to pass across your message or position. Her attitude too could be a way of registering her displeasure at the way you treat or talk to her. Not everybody likes to be ordered around. Perhaps you should verify the way and manner you address her generally. For instance, why didn’t you want her to attend this party? Is it out of concern for her safety or simply because you don’t want her to attend? Even babies become more stubborn when parents daily apply the use of force in putting them under check. Appreciate that she is first and foremost a human being, her own person before being part of your life. You cannot overnight want to structure her to fit your own ways without expecting to meet certain resistance from her end. In school, she is among friends, those that keep her company for now. There is no way she would have been able to tell these friends that you asked her not to attend the party they had long planned for. In her shoes, what would you have done? Peer pressure is a factor which you have to contend with at least until you marry her. Living with friends and in school would make the kind of order you gave her difficult to adhere to. If she gives in to everything you want her to do, she will lose her personality to you and that will make everything very boring for you as the years roll by. Unless of course you want the kind of woman who won’t be able to challenge your orders, meekly submit to your every desire, a marriage needs the contradictions of our individualities to remain relevant. This is the woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Ordering her around will not augur well for your relationship. Respect begets respect. However, there is the need for her to recognise that she needs to respect you especially in the presence of her friends. There is the need for you to invite her over to your base for a heart to heart discussion on the way forward. In dialoguing with her, do the mature thing of hearing her out; listen to her grievances against you. Don’t try to stop her from saying what she has in mind. Give her through your patience every hope that your relationship is based on equal partnership and that you intend to be a leader and not a boss. Seeing the efforts you are making will give her that assurance to completely go with you. It will resolve some of the nagging issues that are making her misbehave. Every woman wants the assurance that she is special to her man. What force cannot achieve love and understanding can. Bring out the woman in her by being her friend, champion, supporter and worthy leader. These are attributes you can use to change and structure her into your kind of woman. When a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she won’t do for him. So get her to fall in love with you first before attempting to change her. For now, give yourselves the chance to be happy together by accepting her apologies. But it is important she realises that patience though is elastic can snap when pulled beyond its limit of flexibility. That while you will continue to support her to succeed and be happy, it also behoves her to accord you certain level of respect. That by being stubborn is evidence of her lack of respect for you. Once you are able to manage this aspect of her personality, you may come to find out that she is the best thing to happen to you. But you won’t know if you don’t go this mile to confront the situation instead of pointing her at the door of exit in your life. Good luck

Between my education and family; what do I do?

Dear Agatha, I am 30 years of age. My father died in the year I was born. His only legacy to me is an old diary where he inscribed his desire for me to be a graduate. I left secondary school in 2001. Severally I have tried to gain admission into the university but have kept failing in my bid. At a point, I had to leave home to enroll in the Nigerian Police Force. While there, I noticed it wasn’t in line with my dream so I left and started to look for ways to satisfy my father’s dream for me. I have written JAMB for times and even wrote the one 2013. I scored 202 for economics or accounting. The reason I am writing you is that I am married with three children. I don’t know if I should relocate them to my village to enable me fulfill my father’s dream for me or not. What should I do? Freeman. Dear Freeman, There is nothing wrong with having a burning ambition especially one that has to do with education and one’s quest for economic empowerment. Ordinarily, your determination to get a premium education is commendable. But the draw back here is, your blinded quest to get an education to the exclusion of every other person, including the welfare of your children. In addition, this dream is more of your father’s than yours. Are you sure you have what it takes to execute the dream of a dead man? Apart from the dream of your late father, what is your dream? Do you have any of your own? What do you want for yourself as well as for your children? If at 30 you are still pursuing the vision of your late father, when will you have the time to have positive dreams of your own as well as plan the future of your children? There is no you, without those children. Therefore, you must factor in their future and well being into your father’s dream for you. I am sure your late father didn’t plan for you to mortgage the future of your own children in-order to satisfy his dreams for you. Like every good father, he left you with a work plan for your future; one intended to ginger you into success. At 30, with three children, what kind of plans are you putting in place for them? I am sure if your father didn’t call you a graduate, the kind of desires you have to become one, would never have been born in you. So taking those children to the village while you redeem your father’s dream is intended to achieve what? What plans do you have for them in the village? If the village was very good, why did you come to the city to realize your dream? Unfortunately for you, being married means you cannot take such a fundamental decision without first discussing it with your immediate family as well as making provisions for their welfare while you achieve your own excessive desire to become a graduate. To succeed, you need the support and understanding of your wife. Don’t forget you are no longer a bachelor. You have dependants whose lives are interwoven into your decisions. It would be so unfair to package and send them to the village without first discussing the consequences of your decisions on their future. You cannot afford to behave as if you have no responsibilities or obligations to these people. Like you, they too have needs, dreams and feelings. The issue here is not just sending them to the village. Who are they going to meet there and what would be their main means of survival? What plans do you have for the education of the children? Don’t forget that children begin school from an early age these days. What kind of life exists in your village to make the children as comfortable as they are here? In another four years, what would be the outlook of your children? How would life in the village life have affected their psychologies? Marriage is about discussions and joint decisions on important issues as the one you are about to make. Your wife will be the one who has to live with the situation and cope with having to care for three children in your absence. She is the one who has to combine your roles with hers. If you want this marriage to work, don’t exclude her at all. Sit her down and ask for her opinion on this matter. It is important you get her express support before moving ahead with your decision to gain a university education on full time basis. You may not realize it now, your wife is the key to the success of this dream. If she is against it, you can be sure, you may not return to a complete family. Therefore, you must have her full support else you risk losing her and the respect of your children. Only an irresponsible father abandons his children without proper plans. No matter how strong your desire to have better education is, the welfare of your children overrides every other consideration, including your current effort at JAMB. You don’t invite children into the world without making sacrifices for them. Therefore, this isn’t your decision to make. It is the resolution of your children to make. It is their right to have their father’s attention and presence. Because the children are still tender, you may have to consider your options especially as you are considering a full time course. If you don’t have enough funds to provide for them during those years you would be in school, it may not be so easy on your wife. You must think of something for her to do to supplement whatever you are able to bring while in school. Your ambition should not eclipse your vision to the attendant challenges ahead. You could still have an education without sacrificing the future of your family, especially those innocent children whose lives are anchored on whatever you make of yours. Married men, who go back to school, don’t opt for full time unless they have more than enough to care for their families. From your story, you are a struggling man. Part time programmes are for people like you; who have responsibilities, have to work while they struggle to have an education. Had you considered that, you would have since finished instead of wasting precious time on writing entrance examinations. Granted it may be a little prohibitive in terms of cost, but it will give you time to be with your family, look for a means of livelihood and protect your home from emotional starvation. Although you didn’t say what your wife is into but your decision to send them to the village means she isn’t engaged in anything worthwhile. This means you must also consider arming her with a kind of trade to make things easy on you. Don’t forget that going to school isn’t only about paying tuition fees; you must also pay for handouts, registration and other expenses associated with being in school. No matter how hardworking you are, you need extra help from your wife to float because children don’t understand the word, lack. You cannot put their lives on hold to satisfy yours. Life is about planning. Even though you have always wanted to go back to school, you never planned how your life and those of your family would run while this dream is on. Blinded ambition can be very destructive. Every plan must have a reality socket to make it succeed. Any plan that doesn’t put your children on the front burner will not end well because they are the reason for your struggles in life. Your answer will become very clear only after you have taken all these issues into consideration. Good luck.

She is very careless

Dear Agatha, Måay God bless you. Please treat my problem as very urgent, as your advice would go a long way in helping me make the right choice. I met this girl online in February. Within a month of our relationship, we met and spent some time together, including having sex in the State where she is serving. To be honest, we love each other. But after the visit, she started complaining that I was not being matured in the way I was acting. She went on to accuse me of being domineering. Sometime later, she started flirting with different men but she never had sex. She also told me not to trust her much because she shouldn’t be trusted. But there was this particular guy she told me has been persistent in asking her out. Under interrogation, she told me she has kissed him and a week ago, confessed cheating on me with the man. She did that without protection and even permitted the man to ejaculate inside her. She confessed all this amid tears. She’s been begging me to forgive her, which I did instantly. But whenever I remember the fact that she cheated on me without protection, I become livid and willing to do anything to revenge just to be even. Now, I’d be travelling out of the country for about two years, but she has promised never to be anything more than to be a platonic friend to a man. She said she would do anything to make me happy, even if the news of my imminent travel leads her to cheat on me. Please, what do you think? Confused boyfriend. Dear Confused Boyfriend, I don’t want to sound discouraging or judgmental but be careful you don’t end up hurting yourself because you are already building castles in the air with someone you hardly know at all. There are so many gaps already in this relationship which you must be bold enough to address as a man. First is the issue of what you understand by love as well as your perception of a good relationship. You cannot achieve much in any relationship if you don’t first define these two things. Granted people fall in love at first sight but for that love to endure, it comes with plenty of understanding as well as responsibilities. There is really nothing on ground between the two of you to make this girl faithful to you. So far, she doesn’t have any reason to because over the years, she has cultivated a kind of lifestyle that has been working for her. If you both met through the internet and within a month of that you are having sex, what makes you think she can behave differently with another man? Just like you both met through the internet, she can meet another man through the same channel and decide to have sex with him like you both did. She is a free bird, who is ready to tweet with any man she finds interesting. To invest too much emotions on a woman whose background you don’t know, whose kind of lifestyle you aren’t bothering to investigate, is to offer your heart for emotional pains. There is more to relationship than having sex. Certain things must be on ground to make sex between a couple wonderful. Whatever you both have been having, is pure physical exercise which lacks the bond, trust or demand for faithfulness you are trying to make her give you. Sincerely, there is nothing between the two of you to warrant the kind of things you are expecting from her. What more, she has been bold enough to tell you the truth. She isn’t the kind of girl you should invest too much emotion on. If she can have sex with you within days of your knowing her, what gives you the impression that she is doing so for the first time or that you would be the only man in her life from that point? In addition, beyond having sex, what did you offer her? What kinds of plans did you go with when you went to visit her? Beyond expecting good sex from her, did you bother to find out anything about her or why she would be sleeping with a man she hardly knows on their first meeting? Be truthful here, would you have considered her worth your while, if she had refused you sex? Did you try to prevent her from sleeping with you with the argument that it was too early and that you wanted to get to know her first? What structures have you put in place between the two of you to make her become a celibate when you travel? If you didn’t go with the mind of having her for keeps, why should you be hurt about her what she does with her body? Doubtless, she is still on a jolly ride of exploration of all the thrills she can get from different men. You will be embarking on an impossible mission trying to curtail someone who isn’t ready to be caged. Really, expecting her to be faithful to you would be asking for too much because she has no reasons to be. The impersonality of the internet coupled with her attitude to sex means she is a free bird. If within four months of meeting her, she has had sex with you and another man she confessed to having unprotected sex with; doesn’t that tell you anything about her nature and beliefs? Trust in a relationship doesn’t begin after marriage; it begins to take root from the very first moments you both agreed to become an item. If you want this lady to change, you also have to change. You cannot go about having sex with women on your first date and expect the woman you had sex with to become a saint overnight. Relationship is a dual way thing. Both of you must agree to abandon whatever baggage you have acquired over the years for the purpose of making what you are trying to grow, work. This is where sincerity of purpose comes in. You want her to be faithful to you despite what you know about her. But are you too ready to be faithful to her, giving her every assurance that you will always be there for her and that she doesn’t have to look the way of any other man because with you, she has found a place of rest? Have you made the sacrifice of drawing her out to talk about her person, family and dreams? There is no relationship without this kind of effort at getting to meet the person inside of her. The image of the girl you know isn’t her real self. You must make the effort of getting to know the person her experiences, decisions, friends and society have made her masked inside her body. That is the person you must find by having an honest conversation with her. You must know the point, she decided in life to be who she is currently. There is no decent girl that goes about having sex with strange men and without protection too on first date. This angle should worry you because it shows recklessness as well as total lack of appreciation for her health as well as other men she would be having sex with. A woman who has plans for herself in life doesn’t take such profound risks. So your first responsibility towards her is to sit her down for a lecture on why she should never attempt such risks, especially in these days and age. Let her know sleeping with a strange man without protection could ruin her life completely as well as the lives of any other man she is having sex with. The fact alone that she didn’t consider she could become pregnant alone is a worry you should not ignore. There is something more than sex involved here. If you really want her for keeps, don’t sweep these issues under the carpet else they will come back to hunt you in particular, in future. For a woman you appear to be having plans for, it is in your interest to know how many abortions she has done and in the kinds of hospitals she did them. This is to prevent a situation where you would be running blindly from pillar to post in future searching for a baby whereas, the cause of her problem is what she did with her womb when she was young. First make up your mind what you want from her before sitting her down for a talk and the options you have come up with. Any promise or demand you make outside this would end up being a nullity because it won’t come from her mind. She has to make up her mind to quit her current lifestyle before any good seed can be planted in her life. Good luck

She wants me to fight her ex’s woman

Dear Agatha, I am writing this on behalf of my friend who left her husband and children to pursue a relationship she was having at that time. We all knew they had been having issues in their marriage until she left. In fairness to the husband, he didn’t send her away; she left of her own free will and even went to court to get a divorce from him. As one of her close friends, I knew the men she was involved with. But when it became a messy court case, I had to stay away to avoid being implicated by her very angry husband in the whole court process. Besides, my husband warned me against taking sides with her since he never really liked her attitude and person. Since then, she has kept her distance from me; having accused me of not being a good friend to her when she needed me. But about last year, she came back suddenly and expressed a desire for us to become friends again. I really didn’t know why but I got to know when I heard that her husband after several years of being alone has finally found happiness in the arms of another woman. She wants me to accompany her, not to beg her ex husband but to beat up the new woman in the life of the man. I have told her to move on with her life since she was the one who ended the marriage but she is as usual adamant and wants us like we used to do when we were in secondary school to go and fight this woman. Another thing is that her mother is the one encouraging her in her behavior. There is no well meaning advice that her mother doesn’t puncture. If she didn’t have the backing of her mother, she would never have packed out of her matrimonial home or sued for divorce. Like I told you earlier, my husband doesn’t want her near me but she is determined to stick to me like glue. Her mother even called to accuse me of abandoning my friend in her time of need. I don’t know what she wants me to do. The husband doesn’t even talk to me because he knows I knew about her infidelity and supported it. I feel guilty about my role in the whole matter. I have asked God for forgiveness and really looking for a way to go and apologise to the man. To accept go and fight the woman in his life would be ending whatever hope I have to make amends with that man whose only offence was loving and marrying my friend. Please help me make a quick decision so as not to lose my own home too. Worried Friend. Dear Worried Friend, From where I stand, there is really nothing to worry about in this whole thing. It is a simple matter of refusing to dance to the tune your friend is playing. You are after all an adult who is very capable of making her own decisions. Why should you be bothered about an issue she cannot force you to do? The truth is, the decision and authority to get involved are yours to make. She cannot make the decision for you or force you into going to fight a woman that hasn’t offended you. It would be foolishness on your part to engage in such an act given the fact that your friend is no longer married to this man and has a matte of fact gone to court to terminate the marriage. so on what premise would you be joining her to fight this woman? What offence did this woman commit? Was she the one that forced your friend to vacate her home? There is no way the man can remain single for the rest of his life. He has a right to find the kind of happiness and peace he never got from your friend in the arms of another woman. If this man were the one who drove her away, perhaps, she would have had a good reason for contemplating her action but since she left of her own volition, she lacks the merit to fight this woman. As for her mother calls and accusation, explain to the mother that you accepting to be part of her daughter’s plans would affect your home as your husband would not take kindly to you rubbishing his name by engaging in a public fight. That as a mother too, you owe your children the responsibility of being a good role model which makes it impossible for you to even contemplate what she and her daughter are asking you to do. Finally, remind your friend’s mother that you have no right to interfere in this matter as it doesn’t concern you in anyway. In the first place, what would you tell the Police, is your interest in beating up another man’s wife should the matter degenerate to calling in the Police? How would you explain to your husband that you left your house to fight another woman in the house of her man? Tell the Police you were acting on the pressure of your friend? Is that the story or image you want your children to have of you? If the law can excuse your friend’s involvement in the fight, given the fact that the man in question is her ex, you cannot escape prosecution should this woman press for charges. Good wisdom demands that you allow her carry her burden alone. You cannot claim to have a perfect marriage but you decided to stay nevertheless. If her marriage was important to her, she wouldn’t have packed out leaving her children at the mercy of the man or any woman he would bring to share his life. This is what happens when a woman thinks she can eat and have her cake. To stop them from bothering you, be bold enough to tell your friend the truth as you see it. Let her know that if she continues to dance to whatever her mother says, she will never have the presence of mind to live her life. Since the man has moved on, tell her to do the same. I am sure if those men didn’t disappoint her, she wouldn’t have bothered about the woman in her husband’s life. One would have thought she would be more concerned about the welfare of her children and looking for someone to help beg her ex to give her access to see her children. A woman who left her children with a man should be bothered and find ways of getting people to beg the ex to forgive her so that she can be reconciled with her children, and not to complicate things for herself. You could stop taking her calls or that of her mother’s for that matter. And when she comes to your house, tell her, if she is refusing to be reasonable that your husband doesn’t want to see you and her together again. It is a situation of you standing by who and what is important to you. It is either you stand by your husband and home or your friend in this matter. There are no two ways about it. Good luck.

My younger lover dumped me with pregnancy

Dear Agatha, I am 40, divorced and with two children. Since my separation from my husband three years ago, I have been without a stable relationship. I have sex when I want to, but in the last couple of months, I have fallen hopelessly in love with a 26-year-old man who works in my department. Since setting my eyes on him, I have been unable to concentrate on anything. I dream of him night and day as well as get very resentful of any female that comes close to him. This has made a female colleague to incur my wrath twice. Even when I know I should caution him for some very obvious mistakes he makes during the discharge of his duties, I simply gloss over it. Early in the year, the feelings got very unbearable for me, so I invited him to my house. Good food, wine and good music must have influenced his boldness not to question my offer. That night, he slept at my house. The following day, he was sober enough to apologise, but I brushed aside his apologies, assuring him it was okay and confessing my love for him. Although he told me about his girlfriend as well as his desires to marry her, I silently refused to listen. I wanted all the fairy tales; I have found love in him. I noticed that he was trying as much as possible to avoid me, refusing to look me straight in the eyes as well as trying to avoid any personal thing with me. I was very angry at this; that I threatened to get tough with him if he keeps ignoring me. The fear of losing his job made him bow to pressures from me, but from his attitude, it was like raping him. At the point, I got tired of forcing him to sleep with me. It was then I found out quite unexpectedly that I am almost four months pregnant. It was actually the prophetic warning of my pastor that alerted me to my state. According to my pastor, attempts to abort the pregnancy will result in my death. I was not planning on getting pregnant because I thought I was secured by the injections I was taking to prevent a pregnancy. Despite my feelings, I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant at all. My last child was already 13, so why would I want a baby to disrupt my life? Aborting this child would have been the best option for all concerned, but I don’t want to die. My children will suffer if anything happens to me, since I am all they have right now. The reason I am writing is to ask for your advice. when I informed him about the pregnancy, he told me to my face that I should get rid of it, that there was no way he would accept responsibility for the child, that he plans to get married to his girlfriend later this year, hence he wouldn’t want anybody to know that he has been sleeping with a woman almost his mother’s age. He threatened to deny paternity of the child if I attempt to keep it. How do I explain to my 15-year-old daughter that I am pregnant for a man 14 years my junior who isn’t ready to accept the pregnancy? How do I explain to my 13-year-old son? What do I tell the child in future about the father, especially since he resigned last week and left no forwarding address. What more! There is an older man in my life who is now very interested in officially marrying me as his second wife. I don’t know what to do at all. My best friend insists I should terminate it. But I am scared. In addition to being almost four months, I have been warned against it. Please tell me how to progress from this point. Though I still have strong feelings for him, I am beginning to hate him for his attitude towards me and his unborn baby. In retrospect, I can’t even explain the nature of my feelings or what brought them on. I really feel so foolish now. What should I do, Agatha? Maria. Dear Maria, First things first. Settle the issue of your unborn baby. Make up your mind that irrespective of whatever the father says or feels, this child is a gift from God; given to you in His wisdom to care for. God doesn’t make mistakes like we humans. The circumstances may not be palatable for you now, but once the child is born, a lot of things will change for good. The mistake of your adventure has been made. It would be an exercise in futility to dwell on whatever motivated your feelings for him. Certain things in life simply defy logic. Accept what happened to you as ‘one of those things’. Destiny cannot be altered. To attempt explaining it would only make you feel worse than you already are. Therefore, for the sake of your unborn child, give up these feelings and concentrate on making yourself strong for you and your children. From your own admission, you are all they have. People will always talk, if that is what you are afraid of. Whether wrong or right, the fact that you are unmarried and pregnant is enough topic of discussion on its own. Besides, by virtue of your being divorced has already made you a constant subject for gossips. Whether you like it or not, nothing you do or say will escape gossip. So, forget whatever anybody would say about your state. At 40, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for whatever actions you take. As for your children, they will understand when the time is ripe. Your daughter will one day grow up and fall in love. Then she will understand the sometimes craziness and passion of love. Don’t blame yourself for what you felt for this young man. Yes, it was controversial given you are older by 14 years, but love is one of the most irrational kind of emotions in life. An older man could easily have done the same thing under the circumstances. Like I said earlier, that unborn child is your concern and responsibility. If you are separated ‘successfully’ from the man you married, there is no man you cannot be estranged from. From your account, your children appear to be your only permanent source of comfort and companionship. Very soon, your first set of children will be out of the house to begin their own lives; you will be left with this one. God has positioned this baby to be your companion in your lonely years. With this baby in your life, you won’t have any dull moment or feel dejected because the children are away in boarding schools. Therefore, see this pregnancy as a wonderful plan of God for tomorrow. In addition, the presence of this child will stop you from making another mistake women in their middle age make when alone. This is why you must not listen to your friend at all. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Wisdom demands you listen to the servant of God you didn’t consult but who came up with a message for you. If you knew you were pregnant, had gone to him for help, then you can doubt the authenticity of his prophecy. That he gave it to you without you even knowing your state is evidence of the desires of God for your life. Ignore whatever your lover said about this child. Forget him as a matter of fact. One day, when the time comes, that time in the future we always feel the itch to make up with our past, he would come to ask for his child, but till then, tell the child, once old enough to understand the ways of the adult world, the truth. A lot of the child’s reaction would come from the quality of your love, care and time to him or her. If the child is secured in your love, the attitude and reactions of the father won’t matter so much. And as long as you don’t try to embellish the story to present the father as a monster, sticking instead to the naked truth of your love, decision and the issue of his or her coming to being, you will emerge the victor at the end of it all. Children are not stupid or irrational. How they turn out in life comes from the values implanted into them by their closest parent: the mother. If you are fair and truthful, none of your children will condemn you for being human and a woman. No matter how tough or old we are, we will always need love and affection. Although your gamble didn’t go down well, be brave and learn to accept that which you cannot change. Good luck!

They love and drop me

Dear Agatha, I am a 20 year old girl. My life is full of pains. The first guy I dated for five years left me because while we were dating, I also dated other guys. When he was leaving me, he cited my past as a reason for his inability to go further with me. After he left, I dated another guy who left me without any ceremony. He actually left me the day I went for my JAMB results. Fortunately, I met another guy almost immediately. From the beginning, he warned me never to lie to him as it would mark the end of our relationship if he gets to find out. I ignored this warning and kept lying to him but, one day, I sat myself down and made up my mind to stop lying to him; unfortunately, this decision came too late. After a while, he didn’t believe anything I told him, even the bit about my decision to be honest with him. One day, I called him to find out about his well-being. He told me he couldn’t eat so I decided to pay him a visit only for me to find another girl in his house. I don’t know why men are always breaking up with me. Please help me; I need a man that will love and care for me. Sandra Dear Sandra, You don’t know why men are always breaking up with you? In any of these men’s shoes, will you be serious with a woman who has your reputation with men? A woman who cannot be trusted where men are concerned? What man would want to keep you in his life if all you do is trade your body among different men? Every man likes a woman he can trust for keeps. When it comes to pleasure hunt, they will come to you because they know you are a free game but when it comes to being serious, they will look for a woman who is more reserved. If at your age of 20, you are already engaged in the game of duplicity and multiple dating, I shudder to think what you will do when you are older and more desperate to settle down. Going by your given age, you started dating at the tender age of 15 when you should be more serious with your education. Had you been more serious with your life and educational pursuit, you shouldn’t be struggling to gain admission into the university by now. You should either be in the university or almost graduating. This is enough to tell you to get more serious with your life because men at your age are a huge distraction. As a woman, you will soon begin to experience depreciation if you don’t apply the breaks urgently in the kind of lifestyle you have expressed interest in. The fact of life is, men and woman will never get tired of each other. We would always be part of each other’s lives. When you get to that age, nobody will caution or tell you what to do with your body. If you really want to make the difference in your life, it isn’t another man you should be looking for. Rather, you should be thinking of ways of salvaging your ragged reputation by looking for ways of improving on yourself academically as well as socially. From the reactions of the different men to you, it should warn you that you are beginning to acquire a reputation that isn’t too good for a promising young lady. If you are not careful, by the time you really want to settle down to the business of looking for a life-partner, you may not be able to handle the backlash of your current life style. Only very few men would stick their necks out to marry a woman who has acquired a very downbeat reputation. The last thing you need now is a mistake which could come in the form of a stubborn pregnancy, Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) or any of the less but more harmful diseases that can be acquired through unprotected sex. There is also the more complex one of managing a damaged womb or secondary case of infertility. The woman’s life and physiology is complex; too complicated too be left to chance. As a young lady desirous of a very bright and secured future, learn to be more discriminatory so you can have a reputation worth a good man’s attention and determination. Therefore for the time being, forget about anything that has to do with men to enable you concentrate on making your papers and going to any tertiary institution of your choice. Once you gain admission and stabilize, you are free to date as long as the purpose of your going to school isn’t lost to you. Good luck.

He piles her with gifts to make me jealous

Dear Agatha, In my school, there is this particular boy I always played with to the extent my classmates started calling me by his name. I didn’t have any interest in him until now. Although he told me once he loved and liked me, but, he had also asked a girl in my class for friendship after he told me that. This made me to reject his gifts and to advise him to be careful on how he spends money on girls. He now spends a lot on this girl in my class. Recently, he gave her a gold necklace. He went on to accuse me of not allowing him or any other boy touch me. What should I do? Judith. Dear Judith, Forget about him. What he is doing is to make you jealous and submit to his advances out of a desire to keep him. Don’t allow him blackmail you to submission. The quality of a properly brought up woman is her self preservation. You have to be resolute in your determination to project that which is important to your life. Any man or boy who accuses you of not allowing you or any man touch you isn’t a friend of yours. Any sensible girl should keep a safe distance from such a man. Don’t under any circumstances exchange your body for gifts from any man. His statement that you are not allowing him touch or any boy get close to you should sound an alarm bell to you that he is only trying to make you submit your body to him. Without any ambiguity that statement should tell you the kinds of thoughts he has towards you. When a man loves a woman, touching or seeing her body would be the last thing on his mind. A man that means well for you will help you grow especially at this tender age of your development. Since your aim of being in school is to get an education, ignore this boy or his friends and concentrate on getting valuable education. Don’t forget that your parents are making extreme sacrifices by sending you to school and would be very disappointed if you end up wasting all their efforts through wrongly motivated decisions. This should interest you more than any feelings or considerations you may have for this boy whose source of income you don’t even know. Isn’t it obvious that his source of funds is questionable given the fact that he is also a student like you? Be careful you don’t end up with the wrong kind of company in your bid to be relevant to anybody or group of persons in your school. Nobody is worth you giving up your future for. The reason you are in school isn’t to become popular but to get an education and become useful to the society. There is plenty of time for you to be liked and retain the attention of that special man. Always remember life comes in different seasons. Your current season is to plan and plant for that all important future. Therefore follow the natural progress of every season, to be happy in life. Good luck.

How do I manage my time?

Dear Agatha, You have been a help to many people. I believe you can help me. I ride Okada after I close from work every day. If I try to read, I find myself sleeping. I can’t even read up to one hour but I really want to further my education and enhance my career. What do I do? Peace Maker. Dear Peace Maker, Learn to manage your time very well. There is no way you will be alert to read in the night after the rigors of going through Okada business after close of your normal work schedule. Reading is itself hectic. Without proper concentration, you cannot make any headway out of it. This is why you must create time out of no time to ensure you achieve your desire to contribute your quota to the society through sound education. Since it is obvious that you need money to achieve your dream of being educated, you must find way around the challenge of doing additional job. It is either you find another job that will give you sufficient time to read in the night or dedicate certain days of the week for reading. This means you don’t have to do your commercial bicycle business all the days of the week. The reason you are always tired is because you don’t give yourself time between the two jobs you do to rest. Once you get back from work on the days you have set aside to study, rest for a while to enable you wake up in the night to read. You must also appreciate the essence of reading for comprehension. To excel you must have a good grasp of the subject you are studying. This means you are not just reading to pass but also to be knowledgeable on what you are studying for. As in everything in life, determination is what you need to make the difference. The journey of life is never smooth. It comes with very rough turns. When you come across such difficult turns, never give up just hold on to your dreams. It is important. Good luck.

After fondling me, he ignores my calls

Dear Agatha, I am 15 years old. Because of what my brother did, I promised never to get involved with any man. But I suddenly found myself liking a boy of 19 who coaxed me into being his girlfriend. I was head over heels in love with him. I allowed him to break all my rules. I allowed him to give me my first kiss and during the process, gave him permission to touch my breasts. I was scared but he talked me into it. He was a wonderful boyfriend and great listener. All of a sudden, he stopped calling me. Being a stubborn girl, I refused to call him first. It continued for a while. Eventually, I decided to call him but he wouldn’t pick. My sister knew about him and she is now mocking me. I feel so bad and don’t know what to do. I cannot tell our adopted mother because she would kill me. I feel so lost and cannot tell anyone. I am lucky it didn’t affect my SSCE. My dad is so proud of me because I will finish my education early. But this experience has left a big scar deep inside of me. Please help me. A. Dear A, Beyond the issue of your pride as a promising young girl who prided herself on self discipline, thank God nothing fundamental happened between the two of you. This experience should teach you not to trust any man or allow yourself to be in the company of a man until you are ready for the responsibilities that go with being intimate with a man. At your age, you are like a defenseless animal in a jungle full of ferocious animals looking for a prey to devour. It takes wisdom and not strength, for the weak to escape a predator. As a young girl, you must have your thinking cap on all the time because you are on the display table for all manner of men to conquer. They will come in their dozens to indicate interest in you because you are fresh, young and full of promises. Don’t mind them because this isn’t your right season to fly. When that time comes, you would have been better prepared to cope and make a choice. But at 15, your studies should be more paramount in your mind because any slight mistake, you are doomed for life. I am sure, you don’t want to be tending to nappies and crying baby when your mates are in school and acquiring good education. Nature hasn’t given any kind of responsibilities to men when it comes to the issue of pregnancy. It is the woman’s body that nature has given such assignments. There is nothing physical to announce to the world that this man has been sexually active or is about to become a father. Even if it is your first time and you get pregnant, the whole world will brand you names you are not because of the evidence provided everybody by your protruding stomach and a baby tagging you. At 15, you need the help of every experienced adult so don’t mind what your adopted mother would say. It is best you tell her so that she would know how to protect you the more. Don’t forget she has more experience than you; having gone through the road you are on long before you were born. Yes, she is bound to express anger at your foolishness, given the fact that you could easily have allowed the body gone the whole length of the game. The realization that you came within seconds of becoming a premature mother is enough to frighten any reasonable mother of a female teenager out of her skin. The anger would help you remember not to put yourself in such compromising situation and to always have it at the back of your mind that the angel boy that comes with all kinds of promises could very well turn to a monster after he has had his way the next minute. It is always better you confide in adults on issues that have to do with your sexuality and romance until you have developed the intelligence, responsibility and wisdom to withstand the avalanche of interests from men your entrance into the world would cause you. As for your sister, be wary of her. No matter what, she should be at the vanguard of those protecting you from yourself as well as from the predators in town. For her to be the one mocking you, calls for concern. This is another reason you must tell your adopted mother. Don’t ever be afraid of being scolded if it will help prevent a fatal mistake in your life. It will also remove from your sister the power of blackmailing you into doing her wish. Remember your father will only be proud of you if you are focused. Don’t disappoint him by doing anything that will bring pains to him. Bear this in mind by avoiding any situation that will make you to be alone with any man. A harmless kiss could easily get out of hand to being something you cannot manage. No matter how strong willed a woman is, even adult women; the moment she allows herself to be alone with a man in a room, anything can happen because the chemistry between a man and woman is very volatile which can go into flames any minute. This is why you find even adult women making costly mistakes. The best attitude is to avoid any compromising situation. Besides, you have the whole of your adult life to get intimate with a man. When it is time for you to, nobody would stop you. But now is your planting season; the time to colour your future in the shades you want. Yes, you have every right to feel bad at the manner he treated you afterwards. For a second, imagine how bad you would really have felt if he had gone farther than he went; the reason you must be careful with men generally. If it is of any help, you are not the first young girl to have her fantasy and trust crushed by the object of her interest. The secret is to forget him and move on with every dignity you have. Even if he tells stories about you later, pretend you didn’t hear a thing and move on with your plans. Just learn to be focused from now on. Good luck

My uncle isn’t my cousin’s father

Dear Agatha, I am 17 years of age. My parents died in a fatal accident which necessitated my coming to stay with my maternal uncle who in addition to being very nice had always loved me, as his own. My mother was his immediate younger sister and they were very close. From since I can remember, he treated me as his child. When my mother died and my paternal family wanted me to come over to them, he refused insisting I was better off with him. Although his wife hasn’t ever said anything otherwise but, I know in a way, she resents my presence. Initially, I confided in my uncle who surprising didn’t protest what I told him. Instead, he pleaded with me to keep ignoring his wife that she is the cross he and I have to bear for sometime. To ensure I lacked for nothing, he gives me pocket money every week in addition to paying a fixed amount into an account he opened for me every month. He told me never to touch the money; that it was his way of securing my future should anything happen to him. I got to know about the money and account because he gave me the passbook which he instructed me to keep away from anywhere his wife or daughter would see it. Recently, he took an education policy for me. He also told me not to disclose this to his wife or daughter. I will be going to the university later this year. His only child from his wife is a year older than I am. I have tried to be her friend but she and her mother keep pushing me away. She is also very rude; always gossiping with her mother about my brother and my mother’s family. Severally, they talk negatively about my uncle; calling him that fool. One day, I overhead them abusing my late mother; calling her names simply because, my mother never supported her brother’s decision to marry her. That isn’t even the problem now. There is this man that keeps coming to visit her whenever my uncle is out of town. Once he came when my uncle who was to travel that morning changed his plans at the very last minute. He was supposed to travel that day but changed his mind just as he entered his car. He was still outside the compound when the man came. He must have acted on the previous information he had concerning my uncle’s movement because he came about five minutes after the time my uncle should have left. Anyway, through the introduction, I got to know he was related to them. If my uncle believed the story, I don’t know but from the way my uncle’s wife and my cousin behaved, in my mind, I knew the story wasn’t true. Also, the way my uncle looked from the man to his wife and his daughter gave me the chill. My suspicions were confirmed recently when they were arguing about my cousin. The man kept referring to my cousin as his daughter and that he would blow the lid if my uncle’s wife doesn’t return his child. Thank goodness I was outside the door of the house so I ran back to avoid being seen by either of them. I don’t know what to do; whether to tell my uncle about it what I heard. I know my uncle isn’t a happy man. The woman he would have married before he met this woman has a set of twins for him. He cares for them but he doesn’t want to have anything to do with their mother who is still unmarried. My uncle is the only boy of his parents. His other siblings are women. What do you suggest I do? The children outside are boys and replicas of my uncle. They are already in the university. Please help me as this problem is beyond me. Concerned Niece. Dear Concerned Niece, You are too young to get involved in this matter. Marriage is a complex thing far beyond your comprehension. Every marriage has its strength, mystery, absurdities and sacrifices. What you see may not be the whole thing. Besides it is always best to stay off the marriage pattern of people. Even if the people involved are your parents, the dynamism of marriage precludes third party interventions unless when called upon to help. Besides, there are certain agreements between a man and woman that make third party intervention dangerous to the one who is trying to intrude. In addition, it is your words against hers. What prove do you have about the information you have? The danger of telling your uncle is that the tables could be turned against you; the woman accusing you of trying to destroy her home. Knowing that your late mother never liked her, she could say your mind had been poisoned against her by your late mother who vowed never to give her peace in her marriage. A woman can always get her man to believe anything she says through the special powers God has given a woman. This is the secret of womanhood. This is beyond your league even though your concern for your uncle is well founded and grounded. My take? Stay out of this marriage. Unless she is using a magical means to blindfold your uncle to the nature of relationship between her and this strange male visitor to your uncle’s house, chances are your uncle mght have his suspicions; only waiting for the right opportunity to act. Taking out an education policy, paying monthly money into your account and instructing you not to allow her come across the passbook, are his ways of preparing you for and protecting you from the consequences of whatever it is he is planning. Don’t be deceived that he isn’t getting information from neighbors about his strange visitor. Changing his plans at the very last minute couldn’t have been by accident. Something must have prompted that action. Looking through all the three of them like you observed, is also an indication that your uncle isn’t the fool his wife probably think he is. Your presence in the house could be why he is bidding his time; he may not want to upset you emotionally knowing that what he offers is as close to a family set up as you can get. If he sends her away now, you will be the one who will suffer from lack of company or having to go and leave with another person. He could be waiting for you to move to the campus before executing his decisions. Therefore, you would be making it messier by involving yourself in a matter that could have been sealed by your uncle. What your uncle needs from you are prayers. Battle like the one your uncle is fighting requires someone to stand in gap for him. Although, you are young, help your uncle reconcile his family by getting close to his sons. Become their friends, get to know what they feel and think. Be the chain that will bind them to your side of the family. If they haven’t been coming home for holidays; engage your uncle in a discussion to know why they haven’t been coming; insist he brings them home at least during the holidays. This way, whatever hurts, pains or wrong impression they feel towards their father, would gradually be erased. This is the only way you can repay him for his love and care. Wisdom isn’t a gift bestowed on humans by God on account of age. From the content of your letter, it is obvious God has given you a wisdom above your age. You could also confide in one of your aunties who is very understanding and can keep secrets about what you heard. The reason for this is to have another member of the family outside you, know about it for posterity sake. Being older than you and the man at the center of it all her brother, she would know what to do with the information. But for now, learn to pray for him. He needs it to refocus his family and life. Good luck.

I doubt her love for me

Dear Agatha, I met this lady in December, last year. I live in Port Harcourt while she stays in Enugu. But the distance has not stopped our constant communication, except for some few days when I was really pressed for time or had difficulties connecting with her. Since we met, I have done my best to call her everyday. She knows how much I care for her and has confessed to me that my calls have made it impossible for her not to think of me. Through our daily talks, there is no member of her immediate family that I haven’t spoken with. In addition, I don’t there is nothing we don’t know about each other. But I am currently confused. Unlike when we just started, she no longer calls as frequently as she used to. In the early days, there was no day she didn’t give me a beep, especially when she thought I was late in calling her for the day. The story is now reversed. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother. Recently, I put her to test by refusing to call her for three days. To my surprise, she also didn’t. She simply didn’t care to find out the reason I didn’t call her. I’ve proposed to her and she has accepted, yet for more than three months now, I’ve not received a beep not to talk of a call from her. I want to marry her. But does she love me? Help! Samuel Dear Samuel, It takes two to tango very well. There is nothing you can do if she isn’t ready to go with you anymore. From her attitude, something is undeniably wrong somewhere. Since both of you are living within driving distance from each other, why not take time off to see her at her base? Frankly, there is no way your relationship can grow any further from this stage, unless you both take the necessary steps to help it move on. This is because there is a limit telephone can go. You may both tell each other everything you think the other should know, but it is still too informal. It takes more than telephone conversations to make a marriage work. To a very large extent, you are both still complete strangers to each other, figments of each other’s imagination. The personal touch we invest in relationships is what, at the end of the day, determines its workability. What a regular telephone conversation does is to help build on what is on the ground. Since meeting each other in December, how much time have you spent together, getting to match your ideas about each other with your true persons? Ideas admittedly drive a relationship, but character gives a relationship spice, flavour and passion. There is no relationship without character of the couple coming into play. A certain amount of sacrifices is also needed to make it work. There is no way you can both move on, if neither of you is ready to make that vital sacrifice needed to grow the relationship. As the man, take time out to see her, spend sometime with her. No matter how many times you declare your love for her over the phone, a woman needs more assurances than hearing it on the phone. If you were outside the country, it would have been understandable; but the two of you are in the country which makes your absolute dependence on the phone unrealistic. Besides, at this early stage, other people are also involved in the success or otherwise of a relationship. This is because you are strangers to each other. Her friends and family members would naturally ask why you are finding it difficult to even pay her a visit, raising the suspicion that you may be married or engaged in a serious relationship. Others would wonder at the rationale of her accepting to marry a man who, though calls everyday, remains a complete stranger to her. Because there is nothing solid yet between the two of you, such remarks do have a way of bringing up hidden fears of the unknown. This is why you must go to her to explain and re-assure her of your love as well as intention to marry her, if she will have you. Use the time to get to know her; sometimes what we think we know may turn out to be mere fallacy. As a matter of fact, both of you must make out time to know the human beings behind the mask you both wear. I ask, how much of this woman you intend to spend the rest of you life with do you know? Beyond what she tells you about herself, can you defend her person if she gets into some kind of trouble? Sincerely, will you be able to stick out your neck for her under circumstances that appear questionable? It is even more for your sake that you should make out time to study at close range the woman who is to become the mother of your children. It is only after you had seen her, talked to her that you can make up your mind about her. But you must give her room to explain her strange behaviour as well as her reason for her apparent indifference to your presence in her life. Good luck.

His vulgarities are against my Christian beliefs

Dear Agatha, I started a relationship with a guy who isn’t a serious minded Christian. Most of the time, we communicate through chatting and he says all sorts of romantic things. Whenever he says all these, I would want to have sex even though I am a virgin. I don’t like this because I am born again. I am planning on ending this relationship. He is very caring. He can call me up to five times a day. I love him but he isn’t a serious minded Christian which I would have loved him to be. Help me. Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, You aren’t being truthful here. If you aren’t enjoying his telephone sex, why are you still listening to him and accepting his online romances? It isn’t as if you are forced to listen to all that he is saying. You have the choice to disconnect the telephone or internet chat and refuse to take any calls from him since whatever it is he is doing is through chatting on the phone or internet. There is no personal contact to make you want to endure the situation at all. Besides, there is no way he would keep at it without your subtle encouragement. If you insist you don’t want that line of conversation, he would discontinue if he really values you and wants to keep the line opened for further interactions between the two of you. He is pursuing it because he senses something you haven’t been able to decode about yourself-curiosity to have knowledge of sex. Trust me, the only way you can keep that virginity of yours intact for the right man is to accept your weakness and not attempt to sweep it under the carpet. One thing you must appreciate, sex is a powerful emotions we cannot resist. It has nothing to do with our faith or religious inclination. It is a natural ache we begin to feel once we get to the age. Like all normal women, you are having yours. This is why inspite of yourself, you find yourself pulling towards the vulgarity of this man. Accepting it as a natural progression will help you define what you want from sex and life. Don’t feel guilty about it rather; resist the message embedded in what your boyfriend is saying. Open acceptance that sex is primitive to us will help you fight and filter the flit in your boyfriend’s approach. It will also open your eyes to the kind of company that is good for you and the one you should avoid completely. In addition, you could use this opportunity to teach him how to manage his desires and conduct a responsible relationship. You can through your values and new knowledge educate him on the ills you feel in his ways. Love is all about tolerance and a desire to help the other person grow. Good luck.

He insists I get pregnant first

Dear Agatha, Someone is asking my hand in marriage but on one condition, I get pregnant. He says it is the only way he can go ahead with all the arrangements for our wedding. I am scared because I don’t know what he has in mind but I love him and he has been my friend for a long time. Joy. Dear Joy, Under normal circumstances, no man should give his woman this kind of condition he is giving you before walking her down the aisle. But many women have mortgaged their future through the different kinds of risks they take with their bodies which is making a lot of men wary of marrying women who aren’t pregnant first. This is because of the high rates of infertility the world over is contending with in our modern world. Most men are making it a condition to avoid unnecessary delays and medical expenses as a result of secondary infertility in the women, some who have damaged their wombs through reckless lifestyles. The reality on the ground is, even if I tell you not to accept this condition, in addition to you not likely to do as I say, I don’t have a husband to give you so, you really have to make up your mind on what you want from this man and life. Furthermore, countless number of girls would jump at the idea of getting pregnant for this man if only he would look their way. When an issue gets this complex, the practical thing to do is to holistically examine the relationship so as to be sure you are with the right man and that you both have the maturity and understanding to paddle this canoe to safety. Beyond the issue of pregnancy, is the all important one of both of you having the right qualities and attributes to stay together forever. That a couple is blessed with children doesn’t exempt them from having serious marital issues. This is what your man must understand first and foremost. He must be able to love you for yourself and not because you are fertile to procreate. Use whatever means you have to communicate this message to him. The essence of having children is to provide them with a home wherein they would be happy and fulfilled. Why have children when the promises of having both parents stay together forever cannot be guaranteed them? For you to be very clear about your next course of action; answer these questions sincerely. How do you feel at the proposal? What is it telling you about your importance to this man? What happens if you are unable to give him a baby; would he leave you on account of it? Perhaps a little explanation on my part will help give you a more detailed insight into this issue. The pride of everywoman is to be loved for who she is by her man and not because she is fertile enough to make babies. An ideal marriage begins with two people before expanding to accommodate others. This is because marriage is a risk and like a well wrapped gift must unfold gradually to reveal its content. Children are part of the content of every marriage. Asking you to get pregnant is placing the cart before the horse. Do you feel right about it? Are you comfortable with the knowledge that this man isn’t ready to take unnecessary risks with you? That he wants to be sure of your viability as a woman before he marries you? What this proposal means is that if you aren’t able to get pregnant within a stipulated time, you forfeit the offer to another woman who is lucky to be pregnant. Given the fact that he has promised to marry you, don’t fret if that is what he wants. But be sure, you have reasonable security from his family to avoid last minute disappointment. It is also extremely important that you understand the ground rules. For instance, what is the time limit you have to get pregnant else another woman takes your place? This is where the all important issue of trust comes to play. How much do you trust this man? Will his love for you always be conditional? Deep down if there was someone else; would you even consider doing this? Don’t be shy in admitting the truth to yourself because it will help you adjust and prepare your shocks for any eventuality whether now or in future. Also, don’t neglect the issue of compatibility between the two of you. Both of you have the right chemistry to flow together as an item. This, the presence of a child or children cannot give you. Because infertility is a two way thing, you must discuss with him on the need for him too to subject himself to medical examinations to erase the presence of any problem from his end. This is because infertility in marriages is increasingly being traced to men. No matter how fertile a woman is, if the man in question has low sperm count, she won’t be able to conceive so don’t allow yourself to carry the canister alone. As a couple, you must be able to laugh at each other and with each other. If you are not the desperate kind and realistic about the dynamism of life especially as it has to do with our contemporary society, you won’t have problems doing what is right for you. Good luck.

I’m addicted to masculine women and pornography

Dear Agatha, I am 18 years old and very confused if what I am going through is a problem or not. Since I was 12 or thereabout, I have developed strong attraction for very masculine women. Most times, I want to talk about it with someone but I am too ashamed due to the lack of such women in this part of the world. I have turned to the internet and have this uncontrollable urge to watch pornography featuring these kinds of women. Please is this attraction normal and how do you think I can stop it? Worried Boy. Dear Worried Boy, Anything that goes beyond the normal measure is a problem. Not only are you obsessed with masculine women, you have become hooked on pornography as well. These are twin challenges capable of stripping you of all your dreams as a young promising man. Sex is itself a distraction and when you add an aberration like you have done, it becomes volatile and destructive. This is the situation you have created for yourself through your strong thirst for women with masculine features which has driven you to depend on an act capable of plaguing your mind with strong sexual thoughts that could destroy one as young as you. The graphic images provided you by these adult films could make it impossible for your mind to focus on the essential qualities of a woman in later years. My concern isn’t in your preference of women, but that you have taken to watching pornography to actualize your fantasies. You might never be able to appreciate a woman for who she is without seeing her as a sex object. Besides you may not ever be able to hold reasonable conversation with a woman without being tempted to spy into her under-wears. This is the point it gets dangerous for you as a young man. This is one habit that will be difficult even in latter years to break. Not only will it get worse but, could cause a major distraction for you in the areas of studies or concentration on more serious issues. It could also lure your mind to commit a crime of rape when fully stimulated and there is no willing woman to satisfy your needs. The dangers of addiction on pornography are enormous; so beat the habit before it consumes you. In your case, it is a double addiction and problem. The first being your uncanny obsession for women who are masculine in-built as well as the one pornography provides you. While there is nothing bad in itself to prefer certain kinds of women to the others but, you are taking your obsession too far by taking to watching adult films on the internet. To beat these habits, you must ask yourself what precisely is this attraction for masculine women all about. Is it that you want a woman who will dominate you, be rough with you or treat you like a child? In addition what is the attraction in these kinds of women for you? Has it by chance to do with your mother or a strong female you admire? Which woman in your growing up years hold this kind of pleasure for you? Honestly, it wouldn’t have been such a bad thing if you haven’t taken your infatuation across the boarder line of what is normal since at one time or the other, every normal human adult went through a phase of one form of obsession or the other. While most women went through the stage of looking for the tall, handsome and rich man as the perfect sole mate; the men wanted to be associated with the prettiest woman in town. This is as far as it goes for most people. As the years peel away, reality beats one into line. Only those who are without plans or lack the wisdom to appreciate that a season has died and another one ready to take over, end up having issues like the one you are having. The human mind is such you only have to sow a seed for it to keep growing different branches unless it is controlled to grow in the right direction. You are wasting too much time and energy on a dream that should have long gone. At the age of 18 is when serious minded young men begin to lay the foundation for their tomorrows. You are in your nascent adult stage, one that requires you to expend more energy on productive things and not on pornography. If you must romance your fantasy, why not go to the stadium where you might be lucky to see a woman who is into body building that might like you? That is, if you are so encumbered with your passion you cannot think of anything else. Meeting such a woman in real life might cure you of your childhood fantasies and liberate your mind from this unnatural fixation on masculine women. As with every case of addiction, you need the help of friends and family members to pull you out of the emotional abyss your passion has dragged you into. Frankly, there is no way you can beat this habit on your own because like cancer, it has spread beyond what you can manage on your own. You need both professional help as well as the assistance of your friends. Don’t be afraid to ask because, we all have our little secrets just that yours have gone beyond the normal and has the capacity of pulling you down completely. Think of the waste of your promising life if this thing leads you to committing a crime of sexual assault? The shame you feel now would be nothing compared with the stigma that will follow your arrest and prosecution as well as the gossip that will trail you about. So cry out for help. Since cure begins with a person’s determination to leave the cage he or she has holed him or herself into, you must first make your mind to resist any thought that takes you deeper into your deep hole by fighting that urge whenever it comes strong. Create a diversion for yourself by writing out a list of what you want to be in life. Pin it on the same spot you go or like to stay to watch this pornography on the internet. We all have a particular comfort zone in our homes. On another piece of paper, outline the negative things that could happen to your life if you keep up this habit for too long. Take a picture of yourself dressed in the working garment of the profession you want to go into and in another picture, dress in clothes that are close to rags. Pin both of them side by side. These pictures would help check your dependence on this deadly habit. No one likes to be in shabby clothes. We all want to succeed. Above all, learn to talk to God for help in overcoming this sexual urges. He will provide you with a greater reason to be happy. Women are not just sex objects but one with very intelligent minds. Focusing on the built of a woman only reduces your chance to become a worthy friend to your female friends. Making the effort to appreciate a woman beyond how and what she looks like, will go a long way in healing you of this obnoxious obsession. Good luck.