He is a nuisance to the family

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for the wonderful works you are doing. God will reward you immensely. My problem has to do with my girlfriend’s elder brother who has been a thorn in the flesh of their family. He intimidates, maltreats and beats up anyone who challenges his excesses. He even insults the parents at the slightest provocation. He has no regard for anybody no matter who the person is. Though not the eldest, but he holds the family to hostage because the eldest brother is very quiet. My girl is worried. Their parents are already suffering silently. Honestly, it is driving me nuts but my hands are tied since I am not yet married to the girl. Please I need mature advice on how to handle this issue before I cross the line. Mr. John Dear Mr. John, Your business in that family is with your girlfriend and not with the brother or how a brother of hers conducts himself. That is purely their family issue which in many ways doesn’t concern you. The boy has been like that before you came into the girl’s life. The family nurtured him into the monster that he has become. There is no way you can divorce his parents from all the kinds of behavior he is putting up or the family from the monster that he has become. Often than not, the refusal of parents to address and deal with certain kinds of behavior in a child breed this kind of attitude. Usually it begins from over indulgence to outright show of favoritism of a particular child. This explains why the entire family structure is lame in dealing with what you term his excesses. His behavior didn’t start today; the indulgence to let him be or that he will outgrow it started from his nascent years. The family since he was a child has condoned his nature, kept encouraging him to be rude and rebel against those who dare to correct him. At times too, the indifference of a family to a particular child could instigate this kind of behavior. Either way the fault begins with the wrong training and attitudes the child is exposed to early in life. Sincerely, you will be taking on the same system that scripted him to who he is now if you fight him. Initially, your girlfriend and her family may salute your courage to confront the dilemma but at the end of the day, some members of the family will ask among themselves what your business in the whole matter really is. To avoid unnecessary confrontation with members of your girlfriend’s family, all you can do is to try to reason with him; that is if you have the kind of temperament to handle his kind of person. For you to do a successful job of addressing the issue you must be someone who has a mild temper because violence cannot be used in addressing violence. What he needs is a firm person to put him right. With the way you have spoken on the matter, you obviously don’t have the kind of patience to find out from him what the real problems are. If you must get involved, ask your girlfriend the genesis of her brother’s problems. Without you having a clear cut idea of how everything happened, you cannot just jump into it half way. The information you garner from your girlfriend will put you in the right picture of things. Knowledge is important in crisis resolution everywhere in the world. You cannot confront the boy alone without also finding out the contributions of his parents and siblings to the situation at hand. If you want a holistic approach to it, sit down with the parents to find out how you can be of help to them concerning the resolution of the crisis in their home. They must be convinced that your concern is real and aimed at helping them come to terms with the challenge of their lives. In addition your girlfriend’s brother also has to be persuaded that you are not condemning of him but a friend who understand the workings of his mind. Even if you don’t, your approach should give him certain assurances that he can trust you to a certain extent; enough to make him want to take you into his confidence. Just be the friend he needs at all times. It is the best way to handle people like him. To fight him would weaken your position and your intentions to be of assistance to your girlfriend and family. In addition, entrust him into the hands of God; it is important. There is nothing a good intentioned prayer cannot achieve. Good luck.

I need a man to share my life with

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Words alone cannot describe God’s awesomeness in your life. You are a blessing to this generation. I know you have the ability and capability to do this for me. Please Agatha, connect me with an individual, home or abroad for a union. I am 39 years, with two girls both are in the university with the first one in final year. I work in one the financial institutions as a contract staff and comfortable with my earnings. I have never been married in my life. I had those girls for the same man after the loss of my parents when I was much younger and without direction, due to his maltreatment and no one to caution him, I ran away leaving the kids for him. Since the girls are in the university both of us have been caring for them from our different locations. He is based in Zaria and works with a bank. I live in Lagos. If the children are on vacation, they come to spend their holidays with me. Presently, I am alone because they have gone back to school. It’s really pretty lonely staying alone. All I have are small boys wanting a relationship with me; something I oppose to. I want matured man for marriage. I know you can do this for Agatha, please. The man can be a divorcee or a widow with children who might not want children again. Please help me scrutinize any man who responds to my request. Lonely Woman. Dear Lonely Woman, Like we discussed on the phone, I don’t match-make. I am a firm believer in people meeting and making their own choices. But knowing and having experienced loneliness before, I know what you feel and how the days can appear very long if it lacks the presence of a soul-mate. It is a good thing you have eliminated the kinds of men you will never date. It helps to keep you focused and maintain your respect as a woman. This is important but beyond the issue of finding the right man to share your life with is how you can be happy with yourself. The right man will only make you complete but cannot give you absolute happiness if you don’t learn how to interpret your happiness. Knowing what constitutes pleasure to you will help you to recognize the qualities to look out for in any man that comes your way. The challenge here goes beyond the marital status of the man you are looking for. He must have that something extra special to keep you happy just as you must have the knowledge of what he wants to stay happy with you. A woman or man begins the plan of a happy home before meeting the right person. At 39, you are no longer a green spring; by now you should have long buried idealism for realism. You cannot afford to make mistakes at this delicate stage in your life; you must be very clear about what your responsibilities and duties are to the man you want to share your life with just as you must be certain of the least you can go in any kind of relationship. This is where you need to focus your interest; the inner treasure of a man rather than what he looks like or what he doesn’t have. Therefore in addition to him being single either through divorce or death of his spouse, what other qualities do you want in the man you want to share your life? Make up your mind before he comes so that the goal post will be properly positioned from the beginning. Don’t because you want to get married, pretend about certain things; be truthful to yourself at your inabilities and abilities. It will help you and the man you want talk frankly about your expectations from each other and in the relationship. You need to do this not just for yourself but for your daughters who will be affected also by the choice you make now. And to you male readers, who qualify; please get in touch with her through me. Good luck.

He is unserious at 31

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I’m writing to you because I hope hearing from you will ease the pain I feel and if possible, proffer a solution. Many thanks in advance. I’m a young girl of 22, just rounding off the NYSC program. I’ve been dating this guy for about three years. It has not been a very smooth one but we managed to patch it somehow. One of the reasons I respect him is because he agreed to wait to consummate the union on our wedding night as I am a firm believer in ‘’keeping the wedding bed undefiled”. He is 31 years old but acts like a 22 year old boy. It makes me sick; he tolerates unnecessary friends and still lives with his parents. He has a lot of female friends who take advantage of his nice nature. There’s so much to say but I’m sure you have an idea. However, he’s a wonderful person and he has been there for me. We lack effective communication. But I think I have fallen out of love with him and I don’t know why. Two pastors have given me prophecy that he is my husband but I can’t just understand it. Although I have told him I’m not ready for marriage he’s ready to wait. I am a young, smart, ambitious and intelligent lady. I am also very matured and comported. I’m not trying to praise myself but it took me a lot of discipline to be this way. My fallout with my boyfriend is drawing me closer to my best friend who is a guy. This guy understands me in ways my boyfriend can’t. We talk and chat for hours without getting bored. Agatha, I’m beginning to fall in love with him and I think he knows, the way we click is amazing because he stays abroad but he manages to come home often so we get to see. The only hindrance to my committing myself to him is, because he wants to get sexual and I forbid it. He has persuaded me; talked me into it. He has even tried to rape me but I still foolishly like him. He even says he will take responsibility if I am afraid of getting pregnant because he thinks that’s my major fear. I feel so comfortable and at ease with him. He makes me happy. I used to be indifferent but I get bothered and moody when I don’t hear from him in three hours. I am in a dilemma and I could go on and on. My boyfriend knows something is wrong but he thinks it’s the NYSC distance. I am just hanging on and don’t want to cut it off because of what people will say especially as he also asked my pastor to speak with me. My bestfriend will be coming to Nigeria again in two weeks time and I’m getting worried. I am so confused. Is there anything as the one man for me? How do I get my best-friend to change his view on sex before marriage because I don’t want to give in to his pressure? How do I move on and cut my best-friend away from my life because I don’t want to go against my principles? Could it be love or infatuation? How do I rekindle the love in this faded relationship if he is the one? I do not ever want to cheat on him. Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, There is a lot of wisdom in not wanting to cheat on your boyfriend. From the account you gave of your best-friend, there is the need for you to exercise caution. Between likeness and love, there are several shades of feelings; some we unknowingly mistake for love. If this man is really in love with you, he won’t attempt to rape you. a man in love with a woman, no matter how strong his desires for that woman is, will never attempt to rape her. The fact that he even conceived and attempted it should alert you to his nature as well as the kind of feelings he has for you. Rape is disrespect for a woman’s feelings and rights The fact that he is offering to accept any pregnancy that results from him making love to you isn’t an assurance of how he feels about you. It is what is expected of a man that sleeps with a woman. A responsible man should be ready to accept whatever results from the act. So don’t count it has a virtue in his favor; it is his duty to accept. Herein lies the danger of a relationship with this kind of man who may just be out to sample you as a woman; include your name in the statistics of the many women he has conquered. The truth is that you are finding an excuse to end your relationship with your boyfriend because of the flaws you have noticed in his disposition to life. It isn’t such a bad thing for a man to be too nice but you are counting it as a fault because you want more excitement and fun. This is the point you get to ask yourself very honest questions. What do you want from life? Are all these negative sentiments due to the attention the other man is showering on you or that you are beginning to want more from life and think your boyfriend is boring and lacking in ambition? The wise thing to do at this important point is to sit him down for a discussion. He must know what you think of his person as well as his lack of developmental drive. The fact that he is still stays with his parents is enough reason for you to engage him in this talk. You are right to want more but you must be sure you are not giving up something precious for a mirage which at the end of the day will leave you absolutely devastated. Even if at the end of the day, you still decide to end the relationship, be very transparent about it. Let your motive for leaving him not be in doubt to anybody who hears the story. Whatever his reasons for still being with his parents at his age, must be challenged by you on the premise that it presents him as a man not in control of his life. That alone gives you a good reason to make it clear to him that if he doesn’t do something fast about the situation; having finished school, you maybe forced to end the relationship. The idea of losing you would force him to critique his situation, person and come up with something that will at the end of the day make both of you happy. No two people have the same kind of ambitions or dreams. That you are very smart, ambitious and intelligent doesn’t mean he must be all these. If you are patient enough, you will discover that beneath all the faults you think he has, there could be indelible qualities you need to come to full bloom. Every woman needs a nice and understanding man to utilize her God given gifts. The fact that he has allowed you to pursue your agenda of not compromising your body until your wedding night shows a man that is very caring. Forget what many men say in the presence of their pastors, a lot of them lack the kind of patience you described in this man to wait. The example of your bestfriend who has tried to rape you should tell you one or two positive things about the nature of your boyfriend. Don’t lose sight of this important aspect of him simply because you crave for excitement. The thing with this kind of feeling is that the woman at the end of it all becomes the victim of her own inability to properly situate her feelings. The scintillating light of today; may become your nightmare of tomorrow. Therefore, exercise patience; do this right before thinking of ending it all. There is no relationship that is perfect; even the one you think is exciting and making you consider ending your current relationship may at the end of the day be more disappointing for you. This is why you must give your boyfriend a fair hearing on all the things you think he isn’t doing right. You cannot condemn him for an offence he knows nothing about, can you? There is nothing a well thought out dialogue cannot resolve. The worst is both of you going your different ways but you must give this relationship your best as long as you are still in it. Tell your best friend to give you sometime to sort some personal things out. if he is for you, he will wait but, if he isn’t, there is nothing you can do about it. His presence is distracting you from concentrating on your existing relationship. Good luck.

Unknown to my mother, she is friends with her rival

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have always known that my father is having affair with a woman in our neighborhood. He is always with her and the woman happens to be close to my mother through another friend. This other woman through this friend is now a regular visitor to our home, to the extend she brings edibles like fruits to my mother. During a recent party in my mother’s family, she not only accompanied my mother but was among those she trusted with the cooking and distribution of the food. I have caught my father severally with her but don’t know how to warn my mother about this woman she is beginning to get close to. I am afraid for my mother’s life. I don’t want to lose her to another woman’s desire to become my father’s wife. My father is the kind of man that doesn’t discriminate any woman that graces his bed. I suspect my mother knows some of his escapades but may have decided to look the other way to preserve her marriage. Please help me. My mother is really getting too close to this woman for my liking. I am 21 years of age and the first of my parents’ children. I am too young to be without a mother especially my kind of mother who is responsible for our education and feeding. Without my mother, I won’t be graduating this year at all. Agatha, I am afraid. I don’t know how to introduce the subject to my mother without breaking her home. Lola. Dear Lola, For a young lady of 21 years of age, you are very sensible and caring. You definitely have all the reasons in the world to be apprehensive because a lot of women have unwittingly fast-forwarded their deaths by befriending their husbands’ girlfriends. You don’t have to tell your mother the real reason you don’t want her close to the woman to avoid problems in your own family. Your mother may know about all the other women but, finding out that she has unknowingly become very good friends with one of them may really hurt her beyond words. For a woman that has put in so much for her family, she may not be able to endure the embarrassment of this incident. It might be the last stroke that would break the camel’s back. There are three things you can do on your own without your mother ever finding out. The first, is to go directly to your father. Without being rude, let him know that you are not unaware of his affairs with other women. Tell him while you are willing to ignore all the other women in his life, you will not tolerate a situation where he brings into the house his girlfriend. Knowing that you are aware of the nature of his relationship with your mother’s so called new friend would moderate his reaction to you especially as he isn’t in a position to exercise excessive authority over you by denying you of your school fees or feeding allowances. Besides, knowing that nothing about his other life is hidden from you will make him consider so many things. Most men don’t like losing the respect of their children. He may not be able to control his libido but once you confront him with what you know, especially as it regards his girlfriend’s association with your mother, he would take the steps to ensure the two are not friends again. Trust me, men are very good at terminating relationships between their wives and friends they don’t like. Subtle threats of holding him responsible for anything that happens to your mother will make him really act fast about ending the relationship between your mother and his girlfriend. Your second visit should be to your mother’s friend. Again, be civil until you find out if she is aware of the relationship between the other woman and your father. But don’t neglect to tell her all you know about what is going on between your father and the other woman. Threaten to report her to your mother and her husband as well as telling the whole world what you know if anything happens to your mother. Chances are she would personally end the relationship to protect her name if not necessarily, to protect her relationship with your mother. No woman wants her marriage to break up so, once you make the threat of telling her husband about everything, she would think twice about continuing her friendship with the other woman. The final visit is to the woman herself. Here, you don’t have to be subtle or respectful because her kind of woman doesn’t deserve such courtesy. Go with the determination of confronting her. If you cannot go on your own, enlist the help of a male cousin or uncle. Let her know that the next time she comes to your home to see your mother, she may not be lucky to go unhurt. If possible, incident your visit in the nearest Police Station to her incase she gets nasty. By the time you finish with all three of them, this woman would stay out of your lives for good. Also, try discouraging your mother from accepting things from people she is just meeting. You could warn her by claiming to have bad vibes about this woman. Above all, there is the need to really talk to your father afterwards. Find out why he thinks he has to be involved with other women to make him happy. Listen to him even if you think he is wrong. He may really have one or two points against your mother, which you may not be aware of. Also ask your mother one or two probing questions concerning her marriage and relationship with your father. This way you would know how to really help your parents have a happier home and marriage. And don’t neglect to rest everything about your parents in the hand of God. Good luck.

Help! I want my husband back

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My husband and I are having serious problems in our marriage; the kind that could either lead to both of us going our different ways or force him into bringing in another woman. Either way, I will be the loser because at 50, I won’t be able to get another man. Whereas at 55, his life appears to just be starting if the trendy way he dresses these days is anything to go by. We got married when I was just 23 and he 28. Frankly I wasn’t ready for marriage as at that time but when I got pregnant, our sets of parents insisted we marry. In addition, he wasn’t really my main boyfriend; he was just one of those guys girls couldn’t resist then; the fun boyfriend when the main guy was too busy with his studies to go out on a date. It was during one of such parties, I allowed him sleep with me and the result was the pregnancy that made us marry. In fairness to him, he did his best to make me happy. He was all over me; giving me attention as well as support but annoyance mingled with disappointment at ending up with the wrong guy made me very cold towards him. By the time I came to realise how much I loved him, it was too late for me to change. Even if I wanted to, I didn’t know how to express my love for him. This is what has brought on the problem I want you to help me with. Repeatedly, he has accused me of being unromantic, frigid and heartless. God knows I am not any of these things. It is just that he isn’t giving me a chance anymore to express how I feel for him. I know I made him suffer for the first 10 years of our marriage but in the last 17 years, I have been trying to make him see me in a different light but he isn’t giving me any chance at all. In the last four years, he has been involved with another woman. She is my age mate from what I gathered from her Facebook account. She has also had three children and is single. From their messages to each other, they are very close. I don’t care about her, what I want is my husband. Please how can I win him back, give him the kind of love he deserves and the kind of romance he wants. Although he still comes home and shares my bed with me but his heart isn’t in it. He does it to fulfill all righteousness. He is a fantastic father to his children. He practically lights up when his children walk into the room but is cold when he sees me. I seem to have lost him forever. He doesn’t even bother to discuss anything with me as he used to do when we first got married. He got tired of being the only one talking and me not saying anything. My problem is, I don’t even know where to start or what to do. Pat Dear Pat, Start from the very beginning of your relationship with him as a man, not even as a husband. Go back to the very first time you both met to begin the corrective surgery of sewing back your home to the shape you want it to be. Honestly, you have allowed the situation to drag for too long. There is a limit to human endurance and every man has his ego. A man will endure any situation as long as you don’t touch his ego. Loathing him for making you pregnant in a game you actively participated in and hating him for doing the noble thing of accepting paternity of your unborn child by marrying you for over a decade after your wedding was uncalled for. Life is not what we want but what God desires for us. This man was not at fault. He didn’t force himself on you or make the choice for you to sleep with him. You did and without protection too. The moment a woman does that, she makes the important decision of becoming a mother. So, you and not he made that choice of getting pregnant and marrying him. You knew you were in a serious relationship with someone you hoped to spend the rest of your life with but you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another man without protection? What if he had denied paternity of that child? Deep down do you think the other guy would have readily accepted the pregnancy? You have a lot to be sorry for and a lot of work to do in buying back his love and trust. It is a good thing you are not trying to fight the other woman in his life. To attempt that would amount to driving him away completely because it is from that woman he is getting all he thinks he needs as a man. This is why it is imperative you find a way of getting him to a conference table with you. After living with him for 27 years, by now you must have an idea of what he wants, his likes as well as where his interest really is. Fortunately, Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Recruit your children into your plan. Let them know what you intend to achieve; they are no longer children and would have noticed the not-so-perfect relationship between you and their father. Even though they may not have said anything out of respect and fear, they will definitely desire a happier home hence would do anything to make sure you and their father are happy together. Get them to make sure their father attends your party and conference for two. If need be, send one of them to his office to ensure he isn’t hijacked by the other woman. Once he comes home; take over. Go on your knees and apologise for the wasted years between both of you; explain your love, needs and dreams to him. At your age, you have nothing to hide anymore. Explain everything that happened; your disappointment as well as pains at not ending up with the man you thought you loved. It will help him understand so many things he didn’t about your treatment of him in the early years of your marriage. End up by telling him how much you have come to love him, appreciate him and sorry at the way you treated him all those years. Let him know if it were possible for you to turn back the hands of the clock you would have, but that you want a chance to be his wife in the true sense of the word. Tell him you are willing to do anything to make it up to him for all the years you made him suffer. Plead with him to forgive you as well as the opportunity to be his ideal woman. The fact that he still comes home, shares your bed shows that the fire for you has not completely left his heart; your treatment of him certainly is responsible for the decisions he made to search for a woman to make him happy. Even if he fails to thaw the first time, don’t be discouraged; remember what you are trying to undo took 27 years to build. Even the walls of Jericho didn’t disappear within 24 hours; it took the children of God seven days of vigil to bring it down. You have to exercise patience in redressing all the problems you created in your home. From now on, make it a point of duty to pamper your husband with love, affection, attention and little gifts that will make him smile whenever he remembers. Woo him back shamelessly with your body by adorning yourself in very enticing clothes, nightgowns as well as innovative lovemaking that will make him want to stay with you. Learn to respect him always. This is absolutely important. I have emailed some ideas I cannot share on this page to your email address; hope you find them useful. Above all, enthrone God as the Supreme Head of your home. Don’t worry; you will smile at the end of the day through the help of God. Good luck.

I scorned her but another man is set to marry her

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My case is very complex and painful because lack of satisfaction pushed me into the situation I have found myself in. About four years ago, God blessed me with the most wonderful woman I have been fortunate to know. I am a widower and I make bold to say that when it comes to the nitty-gritty of it all, not even my late wife I prided with tolerance could match this lady’s. At over 60, I have enough experience of women to know when a woman is faking affection. Even though I am very comfortable, able to afford whatever kind of lifestyle she wanted to live, I withheld my money, pretended I couldn’t afford so many things but she didn’t mind. As long as I was happy, she was too. She would use her money to cook and even get me gift items. She took care of my grandchildren as her own and accepted everyone close to me. The fact that she could hold her own financially initially got me scared. I kept asking myself if I could ever control her should I marry her but she passed all the tests I deliberately put her way. Whatever I did was okay by her as long as I was happy. All my friends who met with her begged me to marry her; even the most difficult of my sisters all aligned with her just as my children all wanted her. Everybody agreed that she has the kind of heart to care for my children when I am gone. Once, her younger sister was getting married and wanted me to attend with her. Not only did I decline to go; I gave her only N10,000.00. I was actually expecting her to turn down the money but she instead went on her knees to thank me. Though I felt guilty at the way I treated her but I didn’t change my mind about not attending or supporting her with more money. At times, I would deliberately not answer her calls for days; even though she was the one always calling me. At other times, I would purposely send her messages meant for my other girlfriends to her just to test her reactions. She took everything in her stride. Most times, I would ask her to come only for her to get to my house and I will not be anywhere to be found. I must have really humiliated her because after a while, she stopped coming or calling me. I would send her mails she won’t even reply. Now I hear she is getting married and I want her back in my life. One would have thought at my age, I would have behaved better but a man will always be a man no matter his age. Pity an old foolish man who found a very rare kind of gold but threw it away due to a combination of all negative feelings. I have suddenly realized that my life is empty without her and that all the women I thought were important at the time she was with me don’t mean anything. I foolishly assumed she will always be there for me because in all honesty no woman has ever loved me the way she did. Do you think it is too late for me to beg for her forgiveness? Now it isn’t just a matter of her coming back to me alone but asking for her forgiveness at the humiliating ways I treated her. She is a divorcee with grown up children. I also didn’t like the fact that her house is filled with people. She is this kind of woman who is always picking strays off the streets and giving them a home. Matthias. Dear Matthias, With all due respect deserving of your age, you didn’t act like a man who has seen all the colours of life. You acted like a young man who is still very ignorant of the ways of God and how He patterns the movement of life. On what basis do you seek this woman back in your life? Do you want her to come and continue the dance of humiliation you made her go through all because she made the mistake of falling in love with you or to come and marry you after she has found the man worthy of her love and kind of person? What pleasant memory do you want her to return to? The devaluing of her feelings for you or the fool you made her appear to be when all she wanted was love from you? Surely by now you should know that life doesn’t work that way. There is no way she can come back to you. From your own account there is nothing she has forgotten in your life or heart that she would want to come back to. You represent for her a painful memory; a man whose actions and reactions must have left her an emotional wreck severally. You had your chance with her; you abused it with your lack of focus, greed for women, wickedness and insensitivity. Any man whose mind roams from one woman to the other ends up suffering your kind of loss. The best you could have done was, inform her you were no longer interested in her and not treat her with cruelty. Had you done that the door of communication would still have been ajar for you to walk through now that you have come to some realization of what you really want from life. It would have made asking her for forgiveness easier and a foregone issue. Hell has no fury like a woman who is scorned. She may not be in the mood now to listen to whatever you have to say especially now that she is preparing for her wedding to someone else. Your presence will only bring back unpleasant memories she may not want to remember for now. You indeed made a fool of her. It takes time to heal this kind of memories you bequeathed her. The best you can do for her now is to wish her good luck in her new life. To want her to come back is akin to pure wickedness and total disregard for her feelings for this other man. Besides, in the other man’s shoes, how would you feel if the woman you are about to take to the altar, dumps you at the last minute? The best you can do for yourself is to forget that your paths ever crossed in life. She has obviously found that thing you couldn’t give her in another man. This man too also saw something you never saw while she was with you. Besides, question your motive for wanting her back in your life to be sure you even understand what you really want in life? Are you sure your new position about your feelings for her isn’t because she is getting married to someone else? Isn’t your new position a case of what I don’t want, no other person must want? Doubtless, you are at that vulnerable age when a man needs a woman in his life. A time would come when you will no longer be strong enough to move around, when you will need the presence of a particular woman in your life all the time. Women may come and go but you will desire one you will always come back to; keep company with during those achy nights. Life is about learning from our mistakes. Now you know you require a woman but it doesn’t end there. You have to ask yourself why you were very cruel to your ex in particular. This is the key to finding your happiness in your old age. Is it that you are afraid of another woman taking the place of your late wife or that you don’t want to answer to another woman in your life? What you did to this woman is inexplicable. I am sure if you are required to proffer an explanation that will diagnose the actual reason you behaved so badly towards her, you won’t be able to. Use the opportunity provided by the present circumstances to ask yourself some essential questions. What kind of woman do you really want? Are you in real need of a woman for that matter? Deep down have you gotten over the death of your wife? Are you looking for her in another woman or looking for a woman to make you happy? What kinds of disappointments did you suffer in your former marriage? Are these disappointments the salient reasons behind your wariness in having a serious relationship with any other woman? Be honest with yourself. It will give you a clue into your reason for maltreating this other woman as well as help you move forward in life. Besides, you don’t have to see her to apologise for the way you treated her. A phone call to wish her well in her new life is enough to communicate your apologies to her. Finally ask God for the grace to be happy again in life. Good luck.

He forbids me near my stepchildren

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My marriage is 14 years old. My husband had been married to two other women before I met and married him. I didn’t meet any of these women in his house. According to the stories I heard, he didn’t actually marry any of these women. They were just his live-in lovers who had children for him. Even during our early days, beyond telling me about his children from these two women, he didn’t answer any question I asked about them. But he warned me on the night of our wedding day never to get myself involved in any fetish thing because that would end our marriage. He also warned me never to allow the children or their mothers into his home or near me. As time went on, I tried to reconcile him with the children at least. Again he warned me to allow sleeping dogs be. One day, the house-help mistakenly admitted one of the children in and that marked the end of her job and me, the beating of my life. After that incident, I stayed away from any matter that would bring about any problem between us. But of recent, I have reasons to wonder if I am doing the right thing. At least as his wife, I have the right to know what the issues are because should anything happen to him; I will be blamed by the family. Sometime last year, his eldest daughter had a terrible accident that has kept her at the hospital since then. At first I didn’t know but when I eventually found out from his sister, I pressured her to take me to the hospital. She delayed until my husband traveled to Abuja for an official assignment before taking me to visit my stepdaughter. I was shocked at her state and made up my mind to ask my husband to fly her abroad. Unfortunately, I had an accident on my way from the hospital. Fortunately, I wasn’t injured but that brought to the open all the issues he has been sweeping under the carpet. After tongue lashing me for defying his orders, he told me about the incidents that made him drive away the women from his life. According to him, the first and second wives belonged to a cult that wanted to kill him. They tried and when they couldn’t get him, they killed his third wife during labour. The woman died with her child prompting him to seek spiritual help from a deliverance pastor. After deliverance, he was warned by the pastor never to allow any of the women and children come into his house and that whosoever he marries should keep her distance from them all. He said my disobedience almost cost him my life because they wanted to use me to buy back the life of his ailing daughter. I honestly would have dismissed him but in recent times I have been having some terrible dreams concerning me and my first daughter. In the dream, some forces would be trying to pull my first daughter and I away from the grips of my husband. My elder brother, a pastor recently called to warn me to be careful as well as to be very prayerful. I am scared and don’t know if I should tell my husband about all these. I fear his temper more than anything else. He can be very unpredictable. Please help me. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, Which do you think would be more terrible for him? You and your daughter dying; or telling him about the dreams? No matter how terrible his temper is, he has the right to know the spiritual battle that is brewing in his family. Besides, you need him to stand in gap for you and your daughter. That dream is self explanatory. Your husband has the ability to withstand the forces from getting to you and your child. One way he can defeat the enemy is to be on his knees in prayers. If he isn’t aware of what is going on, how can he be of help to you? Besides, fear is a weapon the enemy uses effectively to cripple a victim from seeking the assistance of God in this kind of situation. From your dreams, God has equipped your husband to be your protector so why run away from him? It is not your fault that they are waging war against you. There was no way you could have known what the matters were since he didn’t tell you. In addition, you did what every reasonable woman would have done in similar situation. Whatever the father feels or says, the lady on that hospital bed is his daughter. Even if one’s enemy is involved in such a grave accident, sympathy must be expressed. This girl’s condition warranted your visit her at the hospital. You did right which is why the evil meant for you didn’t happen. God is a jealous God who watches over His own with everything that makes Him God. What you need in your marriage and life is the Spirit of God to make you bold. There is nothing anyone can do to you as long as you are confident in the ways of God. After telling your husband about your dream, both of you should cultivate the habit of praying together as a couple. Praying as a couple, builds a wedge of fire around the family. Once you and your husband agree on anything, it will come to pass. There is also the need for your husband to come clean with everything in his past life. This battle won’t end just like that. You must know the powers you are up against as well as the reasons he is having problems with them. What kinds of things did he get into in his past or did he do to these women to make them join forces against him? He has to learn to trust you with details of his past since you have been dragged against your wish into the mess of his past. The fact that the war is spreading to your children makes it imperative for you to stand your ground on having the full details. Let him know he isn’t protecting you by asking you not to allow them into your home or come into contact with any of them. Whether he likes it or not, all of you will come into contact someday. Adults can avoid each other but children can’t. This is why your husband has to find ways of settling the matter before it is too late. Two innocent lives have gone over this matter why risk more? In addition to asking for the assistance of your brother in this matter, ask your brother how he can be of help to your family. You must also go on your knees to seek the face of God to intervene in every area of your family life. Being a pastor, it will be easier for him to do. In the interim, don’t relent on your oars at all. Make sure you are not far from your knees praying endlessly for your family. There is also the need to let some of your in-laws into what is happening in your home because this matter is clearly beyond you. It is far more complex than you alone can handle. Also, you have to exonerate yourself from the decisions of your husband to protect your children later in life. The reason being, his line of action will at the end of the day produce more bad blood between you and the others. People who are unaware of the orders he gave you will wonder and generally accuse you of monopolizing him to the exclusion of his other children. God forbid, anything happens to him, you will not find it easy at all. So, use this opportunity created by the accident to tackle this problem once and for all. One thing you should make clear to him is that those children are part of him; the house he refused them entry today, will be opened to them when he dies. So, wisdom demands he tackles all primary and secondary problems associated with his relationships with their mothers. The children are innocent parties to whatever atrocity their mothers committed. They will never understand why your children are enjoying the attention of their father while they are made to starve for his affection. Since he can get close to them, encourage him to arrange a meeting of all of them to explain the reasons behind his actions. With the way he is going about it, he is unknowingly laying a very bad foundation, one that will not augur well for all of you. Ask God to show you how to handle this challenge once and for all. Good luck

After rejecting me; they now desire my forgiveness

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t know how the world would perceive me but I have nowhere else to go but to seek help from you. I have two children from my failed marriage and since then, I have been solely responsible for the up keep of my children. My parents though well to do turn their back on me for marrying outside their choice for me. This provided my husband the perfect background to maltreat me and even invite other women into our matrimonial home. When I couldn’t take anymore of it, I packed out and since then have been on my own. The beginning was really rough for me since I couldn’t take up any job that will take me far from my children. Severally, I tried to go back to my parents for help but, they wouldn’t listen. My mother especially was very hostile because all along she wanted me to marry her best-friend’s son. My younger sister eventually married him and today she is dead as a result of a domestic accident she had when they were fighting. From what I heard, the boy is on drugs and was at one time in rehabilitation home in England. This fact was unknown to my parents until the incident that killed my sister. Not even my late sister looked my way. Although it was just she and I, she supported our parents’ decision to turn their backs on me. There is this incident I remember clearly; when my son was five months old, I couldn’t raise the money to take him to the hospital for his immunization because all the money I had went into paying for an accommodation. I took my daughter and son to see my parents, my mother called them bastards and instructed the gateman to lock the gate against us. It was our neighbor that eventually gave me money and told her driver to take us back home. Since then, this woman has been a pillar of support; always sending money to me as well as food. At times, she would send the driver to give me money for children’s fees. I don’t know what I would have done without her help and assistance. She actually introduced me to the business of buying and selling. She would give me clothes on credit to sell. Eventually through this assistance, I was able to open my own boutique near the house. Now I have three of such shops. Till date, she still gives me things on credit at the cost price she buys. It was through her I got to know about my sister’s death two years ago. I immediately went to see my parents but my mother accused me of coming to mock her and warned me never to come again into her house. Since then, I deleted all their numbers, tore up every picture I have of them. It was more than I could endure. I must have succeeded because I didn’t know my mother was seriously ill or that my father had a family outside us. But before Christmas, our neigbour requested I followed her to see an old friend of her family. I didn’t hesitate at all. By the time we got to the place, I recognized the house as belonging to my aunty, my mother’s younger sister. I didn’t want to go in but our neigbour urged me in. I met my mother looking very old on the sofa. She wanted me to sit by her but I declined and instead sat by the chair nearest the door. She wants me to forgive her and take her back as my mother. According to my aunty, everywhere they took her to, she was told to reconcile with me and my children if she wants to live. My father too has been calling me but I have refused to answer his call. He sent a text message that I should see him urgently; that he would have come if he knew where I was. Please help me because I am confused. I made a vow never to have anything to do with them. How can I reverse the curse I placed on myself not to ever call them my parents? I don’t want to die. What do I do? How can I and my bastards forgive her? Erinayo. Dear Erinayo, Under the laws of our land, there are no bastards. Besides, your children have a father who has not denied their paternity. So the issue of you and your bastards forgiving her doesn’t arise at all. Your children are legitimate and must be taught by you to forgive their grandmother or anyone who offends them. This is the principle of God. Nothing will happen to you because God Himself ordained this moment. He is a God of mercy and allows certain major occurrences in our lives, for us to appreciate Him the more. What you should do is to forgive your parents. God simply wants you to understand His person and reasons for your creation better. Placing a curse on yourself was needless; something you did in ignorance because you were never in charge of your life in the first place. God whose plan your life is knew where the pendulum would swing even before it started undulating. Your parents thought they knew it all; had everything wrapped up in their blinded determination to play god in your life. They didn’t factor in God’s plans at all in their reactions and treatment of you. Perhaps your sister would still have been alive if they hadn’t pushed her to marry the wrong man. Had you agreed to their plans, you won’t be alive today and certainly not in a position to be begged by anybody. That you are alive, doing well and being begged by the same people who didn’t want to have anything to do with you, are enough reasons for you to forgive them. The woman that helped you didn’t have. She could easily have fallen into the trap of being judgmental like all those who didn’t bother to look for you. I am sure if you had the kind of support you got from her initially, you wouldn’t have had the need to go to your parents for money to care for your child. The God that is sending your mother back to you to beg for forgiveness; sent this woman to assist you and your children to be alive and stable. God wanted to teach your parents the lesson of humility and patience to those around them. If they could treat you in such a despicable manner it goes without saying that they must be very harsh and uncompromising in their dealings with people around them. They too must have learnt one or two things from all these. Furthermore, they are your parents irrespective of what they did to you. If she dies before you are able to forgive her, will you be able to forgive yourself? How will that woman whose shoulders carried you when the whole world turned its back against you; judge you? Anybody who pays evil with evil is equally guilty of the same offence the other person is being accused of. The curse you placed on yourself can be reversed by you. God knows you said it out of pains and is willing to erase it from his records but what He won’t ever forget is for you to disrespect your parents. Don’t forget His instruction that we honour our father and mother so that our days on earth will be long. More than ever before, your mother needs you. You are all she has left having lost a daughter and her home to another woman. You and your children are now her only candle. Bring her to your house; teach her what true love is; allow her grandchildren become her balm of recovery. She needs a reason to live again and to be happy. No mother prays to experience the death of a child. Being a mother you should understand her pains and agony. Even if she didn’t come to you, your duty to her now is to look after her. As for your father, go and hear him out. This isn’t the time for you to play the victim but to be the rally point of strength for the family. Your father and mother are hurting deeply and no matter how many children your father has, you will still be his daughter. This is the time to get your father to talk about his marriage to your mother, his disappointment as well as the way forward for all of you. it is also the time to get your mother to have another look at her life with a view of drawing close to God. It is the only way to justify the goodness of God in your life as well as show appreciation for all the love your parents’ neighbour showed you. Good luck.

How do I present myself to her?

With Agatha Edo, Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I graduated with second class upper in psychology but since I couldn’t get a job five years after, I decided to make do with whatever kind of job came my way. That was how I became a security man to this successful business man. I didn’t bother to inform him about my qualifications since I was scared it might act as a barrier to my being employed. Beyond the usual greeting permitted by my position, I kept my distance from the man and his family members. EveTn if I wanted to be familiar with them, his wife and children were very snobbish except for the set of twins among them. These two, a boy and girl were just like their father, very respectful and caring. They would stop to greet me and gist. Their father too never ceased to ask after my welfare or those of my family members. Once when my mother took ill, he not only gave me money but excused me from my duty post for a week to attend to her. Through our discussion, the twins discovered I was a graduate. Infact, I became their friends as I helped them with their assignments since they were also reading my course. Their mother was hardly around so didn’t notice our closeness. Some how, the girl among the twins and I fell in love. None of us could explain how it all happened but we found ourselves consumed by our feelings for each other. Being in her final year, we decided we should keep it to ourselves because we knew what her mother and elder sisters would say. Naturally, her twin got to find out. He gave us his support but warned of his mother reactions if she gets to find out. We were able to conceal it, or so we thought. My boss’wife got to know and one afternoon, came to my post, slapped me, threatened to call in the Police if I didn’t leave her daughter and house alone. That was how I was sacked. Fortunately, I had enough savings and with the support of her daughter and son, I was able to begin my business. All these happened 18 months ago and now she is pregnant. I have kept procrastinating the day, I would go back to that house to meet the woman that almost killed me for dating her daughter. How would she react when she discovers that I am still dating her daughter and that she is pregnant for me? Will she ever give me her blessing to marry her daughter; me who in her opinion is a common gateman and a nobody? Please help me, teach me what to say and how to handle this woman, her words are law in that house. Paul. Dear Paul, It doesn’t matter anymore if her words are law in that house. You no longer work for her and, you are not going to her as a beggar. Let her say whatever she has to say, learn to control your temper as a man. Go there as a man sure of himself. Remember you are no longer who she knew you as or thought you were. What you need is confidence in yourself and in your achievements since you left them. Most of the time, we are treated or received the way we present ourselves. The moment she suspects you to be afraid of her, she will continue to treat you as being a nobody and, inferior to have her daughter as a wife. The only business you have with her is the fact that she is the mother of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with and for that simple fact, deserves your respect. Beyond that, make it clear to her through your body language that you are not the same man she maltreated some months ago. Besides, she isn’t the one you are going to meet; you are going to meet the girl’s father to inform him of your intention to marry his daughter. Eighteen months ago, you were his employee and now, you are now a young successful business man. God has vindicated you. This is the time to let them know that even while you worked for them as a security man, you were already a graduate of five years. However, it would be best she prepares her father first because he too may feel offended by what he would perceive as an effrontery on your part. Before going to his house, ask your girlfriend and her brother to accompany you to his office. Go with your certificate and prove of your business success. Ordinarily, you don’t have to go this far but given the circumstances you met and the way you left, you need to take these measures to win him over. He may not be as obvious as his wife but, deep down the desire of every father is to marry his daughter into some measure of comfort especially as the daughter in question is used to a certain level of ease. No matter how good natured he is, he won’t readily support your involvement with his daughter in the image he has of you. And the moment he joins his wife in mounting opposition against your relationship with their daughter, irrespective of whether or not she is pregnant, it might not be so easy to get him to listen objectively to whatever you have to say. If you don’t first see him outside the company of his wife, he would think you are an opportunist. Confide in him about your past struggle to get a good job before you were forced to take on the job of security man in his house. If he is as humble as you say, he would appreciate your kind of person, your determination to succeed at all cost. He would value you as the right man to marry his daughter. By the time you meet with the entire family, a lot of rough edges would have been ironed out. As long as you made it without any kind of support from him or his wife, they would have no reason to think you are after their wealth. Just learn to be respectful to them, irrespective of whatever the reaction of other members of the family is to you. The important thing is the love and support of your wife and her twin brother. Good luck.

He won’t let me bring my child home

With Agatha Edo, Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Before I married my husband several years ago, I told him about the son I had when I was in school. I didn’t hide anything from my husband including the decision of our two parents that my son stays with his father’s parents to enable me continue with my education. I also told him of my desire to have my son come visit me from time to time. In addition, I made it clear to him that any man that married me must be ready to marry my son as well since he is an integral part of my existence. He agreed to all my conditions before we got married. You can therefore imagine my surprise when my son indicated interest in coming to visit me after three years of marriage and my husband turned him down. He didn’t give any explicit and cogent reason beyond the fact that he wasn’t ready to receive him yet and that when he was, he would let me know. Not wanting to rock the boat of my young marriage, I allowed him have his way. My marriage is almost 10 years old and my son who will be 21 and in his final year at the university still hasn’t been allowed into my home by my husband. Although he visits but he has never slept over in my house because of my husband’s lack of warmth whenever he comes around. It hurts because the boy has to come to the office anytime he wants to see me. Fortunately he understands my helplessness but for how long can I continue to tolerate the situation? If I had hidden the knowledge of the existence of my child from him, I would have understood his reluctance to allow the boy come into his house but this is a man that agreed to my terms and accepted. To make things worse, I didn’t complain about him bringing a child he never told me he had with another woman into my house so why should he stop me from bringing my child into the house? I want to confront him on the issue because I am very hurt and consider his attitude towards me as being very unfair and callous. I also have a right to ask him to take his child out of our house as being suggested by some of my friends but I don’t want to because I cherish my marriage and respect his feelings but he doesn’t respect mine at all. Please help me because I am getting to that point in which I can no longer endure the situation especially as the grandparents of my son are both dead. His father, though is very protective of his son, is married and his wife is yet to have a child. He spends his time more with his friends when he has a mother alive. I can’t bear it anymore. I don’t want him joining bad company as a result of lack of proper attention. My son cannot be made to suffer for the mistake I made as a young girl. I won’t tolerate it anymore. The poor boy has suffered my lack of effective presence for too long. I can’t be alive and my son is homeless. Something will have to give. Please advice me before I make a mistake I might later regret. Why can’t he accept my son the same way I have accepted his daughter? Juliana Dear Juliana, Nobody said anything about life being fair to a woman. The life of a woman is that of many painful choices. There is always a choice to be made for the woman. You cannot fight your husband on account of his attitude towards your son. Don’t forget you made the choice to sleep with the boy’s father without any form of protection and to keep him when you discovered you were pregnant. Nobody forced you into that situation. Whether you realised it back then or not, that decision to keep him changed so many things about your life. Granted your husband made you those promises, they were made under what can be tagged duress. He wanted you at all cost in his life and the only way possible was to promise you the things you asked of him back then. He knew admitting what he really felt about having your son come live with you would make the task of convincing you to marry him more difficult so, he chose the less tedious -making you a promise you wanted to hear. In fairness to him, at the point he made you such promises, you left him with no choice but to agree to your terms since he wanted you so badly in his life. When a man desires something desperately, there is no telling what he would do or say to have his way. To put your marriage on the line because of that promise he made in his desperation to marry you will amount to cutting your nose to spite your face. Thank God your son is responsible; if he has the tendency to associate with the wrong people, he would have done it before now. That he has a relationship with you means he isn’t blaming you; he understands what is going on in your marriage. All you have to do is to continue to support him in everyway possible including renting a place for him close to where you stay so as to keep an eye on his movements. If he is in his final year at the university, he is more than matured enough to handle his affairs. The accommodation is for him to have a place to come to when on holidays or finished from school. Follow this by sitting your husband down for a discussion especially if you haven’t discussed the matter with him. There is always a way out of every situation. Hear his reasons for going back on his promises to allow the boy come live with you. Sometimes, issues aren’t always the way we perceive them to be. Don’t make reference to his child he brought home to you. To do that is to complicate issues between the two of you. Simply demand to know why he doesn’t want your son in his house after almost a decade of marriage. But bear in mind that not every man can handle the thought of another man having had their wife. Deep down, the presence of your child may just remind him about a time in your past he doesn’t want to remember. Besides, the choice before you is not just about your first son alone; think about the other children whose lives will also be affected if you push this issue too hard in your marriage. There is a limit even a good issue can be pushed. Marriage is strong but can be very fragile if given too much burden to carry. Allow this matter be. Your son doesn’t need you as much as he needed you when he was younger. He is no longer a child but a young adult who may not want all the attention you are now showering on him. Besides if you could ignore him all these years, why are you now so bothered about him? Frankly your concern over his welfare is almost 21 years too late. Your husband isn’t so keen on having him because when he met you, the boy was comfortably settled in the life you have arranged for him. If he had been with you from his early age, he would have had no choice but marry you with the child. As it is now, he didn’t meet the child with you. Above all, for the sake of everyone, allow peace reign in your marriage. Very soon your son would begin a family of his own. Good luck.

He has two children from different women

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for your selfless service to humanity. I started dating at the age of 13 as a result of poor parental upbringing. The first man I dated was a thief and I never realized it. The second one betrayed me by sleeping with my best friend. Now the third one is breaking my heart. I met him in my final year in secondary school in 2008. To call him an animal in human skin is putting it mildly. Last year, a lady called me to announce that she has a son, who is four years of age for my boyfriend. She told me to leave him alone because they are getting married even though she is five years older than he is. When I confronted him with what the woman claims, he said he was scared of telling me about her since he didn’t want to lose me. Besides, according to him she was already pregnant when we met in 2008. He said they met in a club. That I am the only one he loves and desires to spend the rest of his life with. I forgave him and continued with the relationship only for him to call me aside recently to confess another son he has from another girl who is younger than I am by two years. She is 20 while I am currently 22 while he is 23. He also said he lied about his age. that he is actually three years older than I am instead of the earlier one year difference he told me about. Now he has come to the sudden realization that we are not meant for each other after all these years of wasting my time. He appears to be more in love with the second lady whose picture he used as his screensaver. I am heartbroken, he has never given me a pen since we started dating aside the N100 recharge card he gave me in 2008 when we just started dating. I have not seen him in the last three weeks. Whenever I call his phone, a lady usually answers. My friends have told me to forget about him but I am still in love with him. Please help me Agatha. His parents don’t know about the children. I am confused. Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, You have devalued yourself and life enough. Time you took your life more serious. A woman is as good as the definition she gives her life. There is no woman who isn’t at risk of being taken advantage of by a man but as long as she is clear minded about what she wants, she will come out smelling roses at the end of the day. That your parents were unable to take care of you doesn’t excuse the kind of life you have elected to live. You made the choice from that early in life because you wanted to. There are girls from far less privileged families than yours but who resisted the urge to capitulate to the attraction of their bodies. Doubtless, you were too young to comprehend the complications of the choice you made back then but at 22, and going by the experiences you enumerated in your letter, you should by now know how to redefine your life. At your age, your parents are no longer to blame for the choices you make; you are your own caretaker. You cannot continue to cite the financial position of your parents as reason for the gradual destruction of your life. Judging by your story; it is in your interest to let go of this boy. He will end up destroying you as well as your self-esteem as a woman. Whether his family knows about his sons or not is immaterial to the matter at hand. What is: is the kind of life he has embraced. Can you cope with it? Will you ever be happy with a man who has no qualms shopping for women at every bus-stop and impregnating them at will? There are three kinds of people we come across in life. The ones good for us, always ready to offer assistance and support whenever needed; whose love is unconditional and are patient. There are those that don’t impact anything into our lives; they just come and go out of our lives without us having a recollection of them after they have left. Then, there are those that empty our lives of God’s goodness and blessings. They are the kind of people that take everything away from us, our prestige, dreams and self-esteem. Often than not, they leave very bitter taste in our mouths forever. These three categories of persons reflect in our relationships. As a girl, you will meet a man whose desire is to help you become someone in life, just as you will meet a man who has no impact whatsoever in your life. The last and dangerous, is the man who is out to devalue, bankrupt and empty your life of everything good. Unfortunately, those in the last category are the ones many young girls get stuck to. This is because they are the ones with the sweetest words and the most charm women love so much. A young girl not clear minded about what she wants, ends up wasting all her time pursuing shadows created by this kind of men in her life. This is precisely what you are doing with this young man. You are busy chasing shadows of love instead of stepping out and finding the real thing with a man who is focused. Whatever the politics he is playing with his age, the fact still remains he is too young to have children by two different women. What will he do when he is much older? A man who has vision doesn’t begin the journey of his life with this kind of lifestyle. He will never fully recover from it no matter how hard he tries because these women will eventually pull him down with their different demands and charms. The woman at home will never have the peace of mind to enjoy her marriage as a result of the presence of his other children as well as their mothers. Imagine having to deal with all his women throughout your lifetime? Are you prepared to share your man with different kinds of women? There is more to marriage than you think. Besides, this man has through his choice demonstrated your place in his life. Not picking your calls himself, the boldness at which the other girl in his life talks to you on the phone, his refusal to see you all point to one thing, he isn’t as interested in you as he did once. By letting him go, you show yourself that you have what it takes to stand again. Doubtless, it hurts when one’s love isn’t reciprocated but it is better to hurt for a while than to force yourself into a situation where you will never be happy. Perhaps if he is older and wiser, there could be a future for both of you but from my experience, a man who begins his life dancing around every available woman, not minding if she is younger or older than he is, ends up hurting every woman that comes his way. Even the one he loves, he destroys because it has become a way of life for him. There is no way you can know what life has in offer for you until you let go of this man. At 22, you are still young and very capable of attracting the right kind of man provided you have learnt from all these experiences. For now, don’t rush into any new relationship. You need to detoxify yourself emotionally. Right from the age of 13, you have gone into all the different kinds of wrong relationships. Your limited views of life as well as the wrong values you are placing on the front burner are the reasons you are making the choice of all the wrong men in town. First you need to find yourself again from the maze of confusion that is starring at you. Look into the mirror; can you recognize the lady standing before you? Is she all you hoped you will be in life? There is the need for you to go back to that little girl of 13 to find your dreams in her. Once the connection is made, it will be easier for you to focus more on your self development than having meaningless relationships. By the time you are ready to start dating again, it will be easier for you to avoid the wrong kind of men. For once, take charge of your life. Good luck.

He has two sons outside our marriage

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Seventeen years ago, when I met my husband, he had nothing whereas as a banker I was well established. Age wasn’t on my side anymore so I didn’t give a thought to his financial position. I was happy despite the misgivings of my friends to establish him. Through my connections, I got him very lucrative contracts. I also helped him with soft loans in the bank to execute the contracts; this way, he didn’t have to worry about huge bank interests. Within two years of our marriage he was well established and could stand on his own. Together, we invested in property business. I knew I wouldn’t be able to continue with the bank job once the children started coming so was determined to have something on the side. Things were working very well for us and I couldn’t have hoped for a better husband. However, after the birth of our first child, a girl, I couldn’t conceive, no matter how hard we tried. After a while, I gave up every attempt at searching for cure when the spiritualist my friend took me, tried to rape me during a purported cleansing prayer session he invited me for. Although there has never been any love lost between my mother-in-law and I; but, the fact that she knew how much I contributed to the success story of her son made her to keep quiet about me. Severally when alone with me, she would make nasty remarks about female bankers not being better than cheap prostitutes. So I haven’t been under any illusion about my place in her heart but even at that, I didn’t know she could go as far as she went. Late last year, she came home with a woman and two young sons. She didn’t tell me anything and I didn’t bother to investigate or ask questions but I noticed that when my husband came back from work, he hurried his mother and the woman out of the house. When I asked him about the woman’s identity he mumbled things that were not audible. I still didn’t suspect anything until last week when the mother and woman came to confront me in my shop. There was no name the mother didn’t call me including using charms on her son to get him to marry me. She even called my daughter a bastard I got while prostituting as a bank worker. Although my husband and his siblings, especially his elder brother are totally against what their mother did but the truth is that my husband has children outside our home. That is one fact that cannot be denied. Foolishly, everything we have is in our joint names. If I am thrown out today, how will I survive with my child? What do I do about the other woman? Do I accept her or what? I am very confused about all these. I lack the stamina to fight another woman whereas the other woman is determined to fight me going by her attitude. Confused Wife Dear Confused Wife, The best approach is not to mind what your mother-in-law is saying about you, her attitude towards you as well as the other woman’s mind-set. The harm has been done; she already has children for your husband so it is pointless fighting her. no matter how unpalatable the truth may sound to you, there is no way your husband will let go of his children even if he wants to let go of their mother. This is why you should be very reasonable in this matter. Granted he loves you, and appreciative of your contribution to his life but, when it comes to the issue of sons, the average man would stand by his sons any day and time especially as he doesn’t have a male child by you. This may sound bitter and un-agreeable with you but this is reality junction; a very slippery one which requires absolute wisdom and caution to pass through. There is nothing you can do here but accept the undisputable fact of the presence of those children in your marriage. Learn to put their interest first because they have become an inevitable part of your life and marriage. These boys belong to your husband and are also related to your daughter. To fight their mother is to create unnecessary bad blood in your home. Besides, since your husband mustered the courage to sleep and have children with her without telling you, his mind is made up about her; making whatever struggle you put up a nullity. At this point there is no going back. Even though he may not like the way and manner his mother went about it, there must have been an agreement between the two of them to inform you of the existence of this woman and her children. Painful as his betrayal is, only an unwise woman gives another woman her well cultivated farmland. Without your help, this man may not be the success story he is today therefore, perish your pains, anger and instead be calm. His mother and the other woman acted the way they did to provoke you into a reaction; the kind that will give the other woman the excuse to forcefully take over your home and his mother, a reason to throw you out. Be wise as a serpent. This is when you need to be extra cautious, patient and thoughtful. Apart from the issue of your inability to conceive again, would you score yourself as being a perfect wife? Given the kind of assistance you have offered your man, you may unconsciously have been acting in a way to suggest that without your connection he would have remained a nobody. It takes the grace of God for a woman who has rendered the kind of assistance you rendered your husband not to be haughty to the man. This is the intersection you examine yourself and ask deep questions concerning your masked contribution to this emotional mesh in your marriage. What were your subtle contributions to this mess? Be very honest with yourself since it is the only viable way to find lasting solutions to this issue. If you had in anyway behaved in such a manner that kept reminding your husband of the role you played in his success story, go and ask him for forgiveness. Plenty of time to make him apologise for betraying your love and trust but trust me, this isn’t the right time. Rather, this is the time for total consolidation of your hold over him as well as your home. You cannot undo what has been done but you can influence the choices he makes concerning where the woman and her children would stay. Under no circumstances must you allow pride or what your friends say make you lose your home to another woman. As long as you still love him and willing to accept the situation, romance your way back into his heart with respect and wisdom. Don’t forget he now has an alternative to you and would after a while call your bluff if you push too hard. Go and plead with him to forgive anything you may have unwittingly done to make him take on another wife. Ignore his excuse that his quest to have a male child pushed him into it. Insist if he were really happy with you, trust in your relationship as well as the presence of God in your lives, he wouldn’t have done it. Ensure you really beg him if for nothing else, to erase the impression that he owes you for the role you played in his success story. Follow that by asking how he intends to solve the problem of his sons and mother. First listen to his plans before offering him your suggestion. Let him know you are willingly to support his plans as long as it doesn’t involve you and the other woman staying under the same roof. Suggest he gets a place for them. If he is in a position to buy a property for the woman, no matter how modest, encourage him to. This way, it will keep her restlessness in check and give you the peace of mind to concentrate on seeking the face of God. For such a woman, her motive is to have a share in his wealth. Once she has a house, car and regular upkeep allowances, she will not be so vicious and determined to force her way into your home. Consider it a little price to pay for the peace of your daughter and you. As for your mother-in-law continue to be nice to her because her children that are on your side. It is only when all these are over that you can confront your husband with your pains and sense of betrayal at his conduct but for now, keep your cool while praying that God shows mercy for you to have more worthy children. If God blesses your womb with worthy children, it won’t matter in the long run if they are boys or girls. This should be your prayer point before the Throne of Mercy. Good luck.

My children are irresponsible

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My problem is not your usual kind but I would be highly honoured if you help me to resolve this issue while I’m still alive. I am almost 70 years of age and married three wives but have three children from three other women outside my wives . The first one is dead leaving me with the two others. Between them, I have 18 children who are all grown up and ought to be managing their own businesses or affairs but I discovered all of them are waiting for me to die so that they can inherit my numerous businesses. This itself isn’t a bad thing because the prayer of every parent is to be succeeded by the child but a situation where they still come home to ask for money to fend for their wives or husbands and children leaves me wondering what will become of them all after I die. The sad thing about all these is the absence of love between all of them; even among children of the same mother. They are always looking for ways to implicate each other. but the recent one got me thinking. The first son of my second wife reported the first son of my late wife to the Police as being an armed robber simply because he desired to be the eldest son of the family. For almost eight weeks we didn’t know the whereabouts of my first son until a kind Police officer in charge of the investigation came home to question me and his neighbours about his character. It was from him we got to know he was being held at the special anti-robbery unit for armed robbery. Through this kind officer, we got a copy of the petition and found out it was his brother that wrote the petition. He later confessed that he wanted him out of the way to pave way for his headship of the family. We were able to withdraw the matter from the Police as well as keep it out of courts. This is why I have come to you. If I am alive and they are already scheming to eliminate each other, what will become of my family when I am no more? What do I do? I know I have made some costly mistakes as a young man with all the women and children I have but is there a way I can stop them killing each other when I die? Besides, how do I make them responsible? Even the ones abroad aren’t serious about their lives. The only one who is serious is the one daughter I initially rejected when her mother took in. I only accepted her after she was born and tests confirmed I am her father. Of all my children she is the only one I didn’t have anything to do with her education not because I didn’t want to but because her mother stopped me from paying her fees. She told me in implicit terms that given the disgrace I put her through, she will never allow me contribute to the upkeep of her child and must have communicated the same sentiment to our daughter. No matter how much I try to give her money, she will always politely turn me down despite coming to the house to visit and spend some few days. She works with a multinational company, holds a very good position and has a husband who is also very successful. She is the only one giving me joy as she sends money to me at the end of the month and takes care of my medical bills despite having the resources of my own to take care of all my needs. I am seriously considering bequeathing all my wealth to her. I am most safe with her. What do you advice? Concerned Father. Dear Concerned Father, Search deep into your cupboard of your heart for clues. The latter part of your mail is pregnant with meaning and, in its way, point to the possible cause of your headaches and disappointments with your children. Without meaning to sound rude, what kinds of things did you do to acquire your wealth? How did you treat people you worked with? Did you at anytime hurt anyone unjustly, sufficiently to provoke God to fight for that person? Did you at any time cheat someone or a group of people out of their right and sweat? Is there a blood contamination somewhere in your castle of wealth? If the only child you didn’t spend your money on; is the only one making it among the 18 children you have, it then follows that money, used in training the children is carrying a heavy curse that forbids you to enjoy the labours of your hands. This money has contaminated the destiny of these children. Nothing you do or say will ever make meaning to them unless you do something to clean up that which you did in the hidden. This is why you must go back to the beginning; the origin of your wealth. That is where the problems you are having with your children started from. If you don’t want to die a very sad and unfulfilled man, think deep. There is no way you would reap goodness in a garden you planted sorrow. Nothing we do go unrewarded. If you have caused someone to weep over his or her children, there is no way you would go to the grave without suffering terribly from that cup of bitterness. That is why one child would go and report the sibling of being an armed robber. That act alone is a preview of what would happen among your children when you die. Even if you fast from today till tomorrow, without you confessing your hidden secret, your children will only get worse in their attitude towards you. Battles like this don’t happen without a reason; undoubtedly, you opened an ancient evil secret door for this problem to invade your life. If you don’t act now to remedy the situation, even in the grave you will never find peace; your children will guarantee that. The only way is to admit the source of your wealth with a view of making amends so that you can find forgiveness in the sight of God. The spell has to be broken for you to enjoy what fatherhood is all about. That one of them is taking care of you is a line of mercy God opened for you; perhaps following the good you also did somewhere. Align yourself with that for complete solution. If you cannot remember what you did wrong or who you offended, go back to the mother of this daughter of yours. For the mother to have refused all your offers to train her child or give her money, she must have been told somewhere of the grave danger of you using your money to train any child. There is no way she would have refused you train your daughter if she wasn’t warned. The excuse she gave you for refusing help is to mask her real reason. No woman ever refuses the help of the father of her child to carry the burden of caring for the child especially if not married to the man. Seek her help. If she refuses to listen to you, get your daughter to speak on your behalf to her mother. The essence is to make your search for solution less tedious. Plead with her to tell you what she was told if you are sure you don’t know what you did or where all these is coming from. On your own seek the face of God. No matter how scarlet our sins are, He promised to make them clean. By submitting yourself to God, you open your life as well as those of children up for mercy. In addition, consider reading your will before you die; give every child his or her entitlement. It may sound morbid but it will stop them killing each other in the long run and help preserve your life longer. By the time you do this, you will have the presence of mind to live your life the way you want to without worrying about them. If they are unable to properly manage their inheritance, it won’t be your fault or anyone’s fault. Above all, go to God in prayers and total submission to His will. It is the only way out for you if you desire pure happiness in the end. Good luck.

How do I please a girl?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is, I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl; what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isnt something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love, you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strenght of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is, are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman. Good luck.

I need someone in my life

Dear Agatha, You are a great councilor, keep it up dear. I need your help. I will be turning 27 years of age soon and presently not in any relationship. I have been out of relationship for almost a year and half. It has been a wonderful period for me since it has afforded me the opportunity of focusing on my career without any distraction. Irrespective of the relative peace I have enjoyed these past years, I have come to realize the need to be in a relationship that will lead to settling down. My family and colleagues have been putting pressure on me, demanding to know when I would be bringing home a woman. A lot of people assume I am married because of my nature. I trust God so much that He has always been there for me in times of difficulties he always come to my aid. However there is this guy I met who thinks I am too difficult and stubborn because I don’t accept the kind of relationship they think I want. Unlike most of them, I belief in marriage and think both parties should respect and value each other. Unlike so many guys my age, my experience with women is limited. I started my first relationship in my final year and when I discovered it wasn’t working between the lady and I; I opted out. I need to be in a relationship but don’t know how to go about it. Please help me. Confused Boy. Dear Confused Boy, The best place to begin is by having a clear vision of what you want in life. It must be crystal clear to make it possible for you to know the kind of woman you need to help you carry on the dream. To achieve this, you must learn to look beyond the physical appearance of the woman you want for a wife. A lot of times, appearances can be very deceptive and frankly, it takes more than a pretty face to make a marriage work. It takes love, care, tolerance, attention, respect, understanding, patience and responsibility to make a marriage work. For your marriage to work, the desire has to come from deep within you. it has to be something you want because it is the only way to acquire the kind of determination every marriage needs to scale through the difficult times. You also have to accept one basic truth about life; the imperfection of us all. This is where the sacrifices in marriages grow from. You must at all times be ready to make the sacrifice marriage requires to be stable and you can only do this for a friend. Therefore ensure the woman you plan to share your life with is a friend, one who will always have the understanding you need to make your home a happy one. To get that kind of woman, resist the urge of placing sex on the front burner. Begin by offering her friendship before anything else. This way, you get to know her without the encumbrance of sexual emotions which often than not stifles a relationship even before it takes off. Above all learn to be very honest with yourself at all times. What you cannot accept in the long run, don’t out of fear of losing the affection of a woman pretend you can because over time, the issue would eventually make the relationship very difficult to conduct. Just be practical in your search and above all entrust God with your dreams. Good luck.

Passion for marriage is threatening our relationship

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I’m an ardent reader of your column and I must say you have touched and saved lots of relationships through your work. May God bless you. I have a girl I have been dating since high school. I’m 25 years of age while she is 22. Right from the beginning she has always nurtured this passion for wedding ceremonies. She practically attends all wedding ceremonies in her church because it makes her happy. After high school, I left the country to study abroad. In fairness to her, she remained a good lady and was always there for me. Our communication remained efficient. December 2009 was the first time of coming back to Nigeria since l left. Back in school she told me she was a virgin. Deep in me, I didn’t believe and anytime I tried making love to her, she would allow me touch her but she won’t allow sex. I couldn’t force her but when I returned to the country after two years of being away, she allowed me. I was shocked to discover she was still a virgin. I’m in my final year now and hoping to further my studies. I know she misses me so much and I do too. I miss my family so much too. By God’s grace, I should be through by next year and return home. The problem now is whenever we talk on the phone, she would bring up the issue of marriage. At first, I told her I wish to have her as my wife but right now, there are things I need to achieve before settling down. I told her everything without holding back anything. I won’t be ready until about four or five years from now. She told me she wants to get married before she turns 25. I know it’s the dream of every woman to get married and start her own family but she is making it appear as if husbands are on sale in the shop and that a woman simply walks in there to buy one when she desires to marry. She doesn’t seem to appreciate that people need to date and plan for marriage and the days after. There was a certain time she got upset over something I knew nothing about. I tried but she wouldn’t tell me the cause of her anger. I thought she was fed up with elling her that since she won’t tell me what her problems were and has decided to keep to herself, I was freeing her of all obligations to the relationship so that I can try someone else. I told her it would give her the opportunity of understanding herself better. She called immediately she got the message to declare her acceptance of my proposal. After a month without calling each other, she called and we continued from where we stopped. After sometime, she told me her friend informed her, that I have a girlfriend I intend to marry. To be honest, I never discussed such a thing with any friend of mine. I immediately knew she believed the story because the friend mentioned is more like a brother to me who knows so much about me. Agatha, she has started again with her marriage talk. Recently she told me she would accept another man into her life if he is right for her. I was hurt by this statement and asked her how she would feel if I said such a thing to her. She didn’t answer but apologised. In my opinion, it seems she is just keeping the relationship until she finds her so-called ‘right person’. We have been talking, but I don’t want to be an obstacle to her since she sounds very desperate and I don’t want any pressure from her about getting married when I’m not ready for it. I have been thinking and have decided to tell her to move on. I thought I could make up for her patience and support for the five years I was away but she is bent on me getting married at all costs. Her deadline isn’t just right for me. I have talked to her and I do honestly love her very much just as I know she loves me. But her passion for marriage is threatening to tear the wonderful relationship we built for the past seven years. I really do need your help on how to handle this situation because it is tearing me apart. Concerned Friend. Dear Concerned Friend, There is no knot true love cannot untangle in a relationship. As long as both of you are ready to shift grounds and arrive at a workable compromise, there will always be a way out for both of you. You are having all this tension because none of you is willing to move an inch. Both of you are rigid in ensuring only your way is the right one. Relationship doesn’t work out like that. If you are fair to her, she has been the one making all the sacrifices for the survival of this relationship. You must also make the effort to see things from her angle. She has never hidden her passion for weddings from you. If you knew you weren’t ready for immediate marriage, you should not have bothered sleeping with her. Doing so meant you were ready to marry as soon as possible. For her kind of person, it meant you were ready for the final step, which was why she held back when she felt you were not in a position to marry her at the time you first demanded for it. From your own account, she waited for you while you were out of the country. Not many women would keep their virginity for a man they are not sure would come back to marry them. That she kept herself for you, even when you doubted her claim shows a properly brought up woman who has very deep feelings and respect for you. That you met her intact underscores her value as a woman. I am sure, while abroad, you had one or two flings. A lot must have gone into keeping her promises to you. Granted, her current attitude can be very frustrating and annoying, both of you need to go beyond telling each other what you want to what would work. She needs marriage urgently while you want it in five years time. Your challenge is simple as long as you both have the maturity to overcome the stalemate you have both imported into your lives. And the earlier you face this personality defects in your natures the better for the relationship. From what is happening, you both have the same attitude to life – having things done your way. Despite being together for seven years, your relationship is still wrapped in egoism. No relationship survives if a couple is unable to make the essential sacrifice for the sake of the other person. If there is a will, there is nothing stopping you from changing your plans a little to accommodate her plans. Both of you can marry but not have children immediately to enable the other plans have proper roots. No plan is unalterable. Frankly, this is a true test of your compatibility as a couple; your individual ability to go the extra mile for the other person to be happy. One thing is to be in love, another challenge is to have the maturity and right attitude to make it work. Situations like this will always come up from time to time in your relationship even after you get married. Unless you find the right key to unlock gridlocks like this, early in the life of a relationship, it often gets to a point when it becomes almost impossible for this kind of differences to be resolved. This is because selfish tendencies not addressed early in the life of a relationship soon become like a dreadful cancer eating at the life giving values of the union. Even if both of you part, if you don’t individually work on this aspect of your natures, finding a person to live or accommodate either of you may not be easy. Relationship is about living your life in the body of another person. Until both of you make the other person’s passion yours, nothing would work. Try putting yourself in her shoes; in five years time how old would she be? What if you decide not to marry her or suddenly realise that you still have certain things to accomplish before marriage and want more time, what would have been her gains? Like women before her, she is scared of the unknown. If she is anxious, she needs your assurances and one of the ways is to shift grounds a little bit for her. Another mistake you are making is refusing to hear what her real fears are. Yes, you have been honest enough to tell her about your plans but what about encouraging her to share her real fears with you? The missing link is trust. Insisting you have things done your way cannot earn her trust. Once you are able to earn her trust, a lot of the tension you feel now from her pressures will disappear. Good luck.