I love her but…

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Please help me. I have been in love with a lady for seven years without any problem. We like each other and have agreed to marry. However problem started two years ago when she began to date another man, a development which led to her ignoring me completely. I have asked God to bring another woman my way if she isn’t His choice for me but my spirit keeps telling me she is my wife but she simply refuses to listen to me anytime I approach her. Please what do I do? Mr. Worried. Dear Mr. Worried, Why did she leave you after seven years for another man? Was there or has there been any disagreement between the two of you? What happened to your seven-year-old dream? One thing is to feel it down in your spirit that she is the right one for you; another thing is to be ready to make the sacrifices that come with entrenching an enduring relationship. Seven years are enough for both of you to have understood yourselves very well. At that age, your relationship shouldn’t be having the problem of abandonment whatsoever. What went wrong between the two of you? What did you two do to help stabilise the relationship? What were your own faults and how did you treat her as your woman? A lot of time, when a woman leaves for another relationship, it may not necessarily be because she is promiscuous or greedy, it may just be because her former man didn’t give her the kind of attention and care she needs as a woman. You may not realise it at the time she was with you but if you want to do yourself a world of good, take a step back in time to the beginning of your relationship with her. Go through every page of your seven years together. Take the time to pay detailed attention to those years, her constant complaints about you? The things she didn’t like as well as the quality of happiness you were able to give her! Deep down and in retrospect, would you say, you were very fair to her? There are so many things we do without us realising its implications until it is too late. Everyday is however a new opportunity for us to make amends in life. Whatever it is you haven’t done right with her, you have a new chance of doing right with another woman or with her if God says you two are meant to be. But the important thing now is to hear clearly from God. It is about what you feel but what God is saying is good for you. If she has given her commitment to another man, the right thing is for you to step aside and allow them be. To continue to hang around in hope that she would come back to you after two years of walking out on you is to deny yourself a chance at happiness again. Whatever made her decide against you after seven years must be strong and needs addressing in your life to help you in your new relationship. Your concern now should be not to make the same mistakes you made with her with another woman. Some things are not just meant to be in life no matter how much we desire them. She will continue to ignore you because she has found happiness with someone else and wouldn’t want you to destroy it. The best you can hope for from her is to be your friend but not when the issues that informed her leaving you appears to be still hurting her. It appears like a case of you crying over spilt milk. When appreciation comes too late in a relationship, a whole lot of things may have been damaged beyond repairs. By waiting in the wing hoping her relationship with her new man falls into pieces isn’t a solution. Rather, you should let go and pray the right prayer to God for intervention in your own life. You are not hearing clearly from God because your mind is preset into having her back at all cost. You can only hear from God when you are quiet and patient enough to give Him the opportunity to speak to you. This means your hurt, disappointments, and desperation must give way to appreciation of the ways of God. God doesn’t make mistakes. Give God all the glory that this break up didn’t happen after you have married; that would have been very devastating and its consequences very difficult to untangle from. That it happened before you both could say I do, should be viewed by you as an act of God’s divine mercy. Listen to Him with patience. Good luck.

Will my fiancee remain loving, caring after marriage?

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Thanks a lot for the great priceless help you render to people. My Gmail is filled with all your responses to people’s issues. However, I will be getting married in September of 2013. I have been dating my woman for 10 years. She is still a virgin while I am not. I love her so much that I can go the extra mile to let the world see how much she means to me. But, my fear is if things will continue like this between us after marriage. The questions that keep coming to my mind are; will it always be this blissful between us, will I change from being who I am and will she still be the same loving and caring woman that I marry? This is because people change after marriage. My parents were not left out and today I can’t look at my parents and say their marriage is blissful. Worst still, people pretend during courtship but my woman is not a pretender. I would be grateful if a dossier of questions is prepared for her and me. Even the ones on sex though I know she has no experience except gist and information from her female folks. The last time I questioned her about our relationship and things like my likes and dislikes was six years ago. Now, I need questions for marriage, technically and from your experience as a marriage expert. People might wonder what I still want after 10 years of friendship. Though I have some answers based on my experiences with her but there are things I still need to know about the journey we are about to embark on. I just need assurances. The Chinese proverb says ’empty the cup if you want more knowledge’. Besides we have not seen for more than five times in four years. I need questions to ask her if possible to be our constant guide after marriage. This is because my mother told me how much my father loved her in the early part of their marriage but now I sense no more passion in my father’s eyes for my mother. I don’t want mine to be like theirs. I want to enjoy mine. This is why I want you to be part of my marriage, and ensure it runs smoothly. Moreover, God has given you knowledge of counseling, why deny myself the honour and privilege when the priceless things of this world are free. Omini. Dear Omini, God and not me should be part of your marriage because He is the one with all the wisdom and knowledge of how to navigate the stormy roads of marriage. I want to start by telling you that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Every marriage has its share of storms and challenges, which the couple must pass through to give marriage a character. And there is no such thing as having thorough knowledge of each other. There will always be things you will never know about each other. It is the complexity of the human nature. The important thing is for both of you to be focused and open minded about the things concerning yourselves and pending marriage. One way to do that is to learn from the mistakes of your own family. Your parents remain your first contact with the complications of marriage. From your observations of your parents’ union, what do you think went wrong with their dreams and happiness? Can you do a detailed appraisal? For instance, if you were to score your father, how will you grade him in relation with his treatment of your mother? This is important in the sense that we unconsciously ape our parents. Many a time, we do unfair comparison between our parents and our spouses. For you to enjoy your wife, you must avoid comparing her with your mother or sisters. You must also resist the urge to import some of your father’s attitude to your mother into your marriage. Life is about accepting the good things and doing away with the bad ones. If your father took pride in sidelining your mother from major decisions in the home and life, it doesn’t make it right. You and your woman must pattern your marriage to suit your needs and in line with your own peculiarities as individuals. These are things that you don’t plan for but which come unconsciously into the mind. From my experiences, these are the most potent threats to marriages. Without either planning for it, they end up importing their parents’ mistakes into their own marriages; in the process, a lot of conflicting signals that end up confusing couples find their way into their marriages. That is why seemingly happy couples end up tearing themselves apart few seconds after they sign the dotted lines. The maturity of marriage begins from a realistic approach to issues rather than sentiments; this is the way my parents did it. Therefore you and your woman must first come to a clear consciousness of the inherent issues you are inheriting from your sets of parents’ marriages. Both of you must sit to critique the union of your different parents with a view to doing away with those things inimical to the development and sustenance of a marriage. Whether you both accept it or not, this is something you must sit down to talk about. You may both think it isn’t your problem but experience has exposed it as the unseen third party in a marriage. Right from the nascent stage, both of you must be united in avoiding the mistakes of your parents in your own marriage. So ask her to tell you about the marriage of her parents. Their love story, the disappointments, how they survived and the point they are currently in. if her parents have enjoyed friendship from the day they met to this point of their union, you can be rest assured that she too will want to be happy in hers. Furthermore, you also have to know the kind of relationship that exists between her and her mother, father and siblings. A heart that is deficient in love will never appreciate one when given. Even if the heart jumps at it at the initial stage, overtime, it will find ways to reject it. Therefore you must know by asking and observing. The real reason you have to observe is because there are certain knotty issues you can only get the answers through observations. Nobody will tell you how the mother abuses the father or how disrespectful the father is to the mother. These are answers you can only get by getting close to the family. So no matter the number of questions I give you to ask her, the real substance of a person can only be deduced through observation of the people that make that person. This is because we are all products of our environment. A good marriage needs the visions of both the man and woman. For two to walk as one, they must have identical dreams. No matter how profound your love for each other is, if both of you are pulling the fabric of your marriage at different ends, it will eventually give way. A man or woman can be nice but if paired with the wrong spouse, things can go very wrong. This is the reason you must also fine-tune your visions to compliment each other’s dream. And since you both seldom see each other, there is also the important business of you two really sitting down to discuss your persons, likes and dislikes. A man and woman can be together for decades without really knowing what makes them happy whereas, a couple can meet today and become happy at their choices. For your marriage to work, both of you must adopt realistic and workable approaches to issues. Good luck

My in-laws want everything my late husband worked for

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a widow; have been a one since July last year. My husband died in a motor accident along the Lagos/Benin expressway on his way from an official engagement. His employers were very good to us. Many of his colleagues stood and are still standing by us but because he died intestate, his family has been battling me since his burial for the two houses he left behind. All the money which should have come to me and the children during the burial as well as his entitlement went to his younger brother he documented as his next of kin. He was at a time staying with us, was sponsored by my husband through school. He collected over N6m; he didn’t bother to give the children and I anything. Our last child was at the time of her father’s death writing her project and required certain money. Not wanting to bother me, she went to this uncle of hers, he drove her out of his house, said all sorts unprintable things about me and my children. I only got to hear after the incident. She eventually got the money from her father’s best friend. I have always been a full time house wife; my husband didn’t want me doing anything; he wanted me to be available for the family. Severally, I tried to persuade him to allow me go into business, he declined. In fairness to him, he did his best to make me happy. I am from a very humble background; despite this he married me and today, through his support, I went back to school. I trained as a teacher. My in-laws say they have a right to everything because only their son worked for it all. That since they married me, I haven’t done any kind of work in my life beyond eating and sleeping and that while their son was alive, I was the only one enjoying him even though they were the ones that trained him. Since his death, his sister and another cousin have practically moved in with me; each day is a struggle for me. They insist I pack out of their brother’s house. My children though are 23 and 21 years of age lack the stamina to confront them. Their father always sheltered them. His best-friend who is the lawyer is urging me to go to court, actually went to court to get a restraining order against them but knowing how diabolical they can be, I don’t want trouble for my children. The documents of the house are in my children’s names. My husband built a different house in my name, unknown to his people. I also know he bought a parcel of land in the village two years before he died; he intended it for a farm land but that too has been taking over by his family members who are busy fighting each other for their own share. I am writing to you to help me make the right decision concerning this issue of inheritance. Should I go to court over these two houses or do I allow them take over everything? I am scared of them because from the very moment my husband died, they have started fighting over his property. There are signs to make me believe that they know about his death. Out of three cars he had, they have taken two; the only car I have left is the new one he bought and which didn’t come until after the burial. His friend had to take delivery of it, packed it in his house until four months after his death before bringing it to our house. He told my in-laws that the car was bought by my late husband’s friends for me. But for that story he told them, I wouldn’t have a car to use. Betty. Dear Betty, Life is segmented into different seasons. There is always a time to remain calm and time to fight. Anyone who sits on the fence all the time ends up being a mere spectator in the affairs of men. It is unfortunate you lost your husband in the circumstances that he died but, you must do something to protect the inheritance of your children, no matter how daunting the task appears to be. You have acted reasonably so far bu, you must show your fangs too; make them realize that you have feelings and that you too can bite. They are acting this way because they sense your fear as well as the inability of your children who under the law are old enough to decide what they want, to challenge them. There is a big difference between wisdom and foolishness. Wisdom is what you have displayed thus far; allowing them to take the things they have taken so far but you would be foolish to give up your children’s houses simply because you are afraid of them. The children too have a right to their father’s property. If someone took away N6m without parting with a dime and others are busy cutting up his parcel of land; why should you give up the houses he specifically built in the names of the children? The laws of the land are explicit on such matters. Besides, there is a God you can always run to; you are challenged by their attitude for the reason that you appear timid and one that lacks the courage to fight for what is yours. One way to end this fear of them is to perish the thoughts from your mind that they killed your husband. Only God, the author of life has the power to do that. Your husband died because it was his time to take his final bow. If they had the powers to really kill, you wont be alive today; the same people you think killed your husband would have killed you and the children too to enable them have unlimited access to your late husband’s property; it would have been an easier option for them. That you and the children are still alive means God hasn’t given over your lives to anybody. And as long as you trust and have faith in that God, you will stop being afraid of mere mortals like you. Always believe that where you are concerned, they are limited by the presence of your God. The truth is that, they will not stop at anything to strip you of everything you and your husband worked for. Even if you never worked since you got married him, you produced the right environment for him to create the wealth they are all fighting you for. If you didn’t support him or, gave him hell, he wont have the presence of mind to think positively. For that reason alone, you deserve respect and honour. Besides, whatever they invested on him, isn’t your business. He was their son and their duty to educate him just as it is your business to ensure that your children get the best of their inheritance. Taking over everything your husband worked for in life amounts to denying his children the right to premium education and a good place in the scheme of life. That is what you should protect by refusing total freedom for them to trample upon your rights as his wife and mother of his children. Those children don’t answer to your father’s name; they are the future of their father, his legacy and bequest to his own family. If they have forgotten this fact, make them understand that whether they liked it or not, they must factor in the interest and future of the children their brother left behind; it is the only way the so called school fees they paid on their father can yield better dividends for them to further enjoy. It is high time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and take complete charge of your life. Begin by serving those who have taken over your house with a quit notice. Should they fail to pack out, consider the option of either selling the house completely or renting it out while you move to a smaller place that, will just be enough for you and your children. Ensure there is no extra room for anybody to stay in. For now, go for a rented apartment to remove all pressures from you. You can move into your own house later but for now, it will be best for you to stay in a rented apartment. This will give them the impression that you are really pressed for cash; that you are down on your knees. Since their motive is to ensure you are left with nothing; they will celebrate their achievement and in the process allow you to begin life anew. Give instruction to your lawyer to go ahead with the case while you go on your knees to ask for strength from God. Let them know that while you are prepared to let go of everything they have stolen from you, but that these two houses belong to your children and you aren’t ready to give them up. Good luck.

Could you beg my husband to forgive me?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two years ago, I ran into an old schoolmate of mine. We were extremely close while we were in school. When he left me to marry another woman, I was very devastated that I married the first man that proposed to me. I never loved my husband but I had to accept his proposal to protect my image and heart. Being a marketing officer, he was always traveling which gave me freedom from his boring presence. The more he tried to make me happy, the more I loathed him; so much so it became difficult for me to relax whenever we were making love. At a time, I had to device the means of juxtaposing his image with that of my ex to make myself endure his attention. Deep down I didn’t want to have a baby for him and just at the time he was putting pressures on me, I met my ex again quite by accident and one thing led to the other, I became pregnant for him. I was happy thinking he would marry me; I didn’t mind being his second wife as long as I would remain in his life. The issue now is that he is declining responsibility for the child. He said, I should either get rid of it or pass it to my husband as his’. It could have been done if I hadn’t told my husband off; told him that I am leaving him for good; that I have found the man I have always loved; that I never loved him. I have also told him that I am pregnant with the other man’s child. So how do I go back to him? I have suddenly come to the realization that I love him so much. I have made up my mind to abort the baby but the real issue is how to get my husband to listen to me. Can you call him for me since he is your fan? I am sure he will listen to you. And please tell me what to do to make him accept my presence again in his life. Janice. Dear Janice, This matter is beyond my intervention; it is too fundamental for me to get involved. This is a matter you have to first tackle on your own with your husband before I can call him to plead on your case. To do it at this stage is to sweep all the important issues of your union and situation under the carpet. Besides, it will be giving you an easy landing when you should face the consequences of your action. You don’t spit on a man’s face and expect someone else to clean it for you. Even if he agrees to my intervention now, the truth is, the real problems will still remain and bound to come up again in a few months time because marriage is about two people. Both of you must first get to a point for a third party to come into it. In addition, if this man were your brother or friend, would you advice him to take back his wife simply because someone he respects comes into it? The right thing is for you to first attempt a candid approach to it. There are very important issues laced into it that requires your attention as well as assurances. Granted there is no marriage without its upheavals but these are very serious things you have done; issues capable of demoralizing the man as well as damaging him for another woman he maybe interested in marrying in the future. Not only did you hold back your love from him, you also denied him that part of you that is important to every man. it isn’t until you put a knife to his neck to cut it open that you have killed him; in every way, you have killed that thing that makes him a man. If it was a just a case of you going out to have an affair, though bad in itself, it would have been more clear cut a case. But how does one begin to beg a man you so callously treated? You told to his face, not just about the affair you were having but of the baby you are expecting for the man who has made it impossible for you to love him as you ought to. The first question here is, would you have come back to him if the other man you got pregnant for agreed to marry you as a second wife? This is one question you must answer with every fiber of truth in you. it is not just about wanting to come back to your husband but about what you really feel for this man. If you were a man, would you take back a woman who treats you the way you have treated your husband? Would you ever entrust your life to a woman who had the guts and boldness to tell you she never loved you and is leaving you on account of the result of her extra marital affair? What assurances that he won’t be opening himself up for more pains by accepting you back into his life? Honestly, you can only move on from this marital precipice you have placed yourself by first coming out to work on yourself. Remember this man didn’t drive you away; by your own choice, you decided to throw him and his love to the dogs. Your coming back therefore, must be something you really understand and desperate to make right. Between you telling him off and now, what has changed to make you want to come back to him? He deserves to know since that will be one of the things he would put into consideration when making up his mind about your new position. For instance, on what terms do you want to come back to him; to be your friend or continue as your husband? In that case, what happens to the baby inside of you? Even if you succeed in aborting it as you are contemplating, how do you plan to delete the memories of your conduct from your husband’s memory? The truth is when issues become this complicated in a marriage, it is always best for both parties to go on separate little holiday to work things out. Beyond your telling him what your new position is about him, give him time to digest all that have happened to him. That he didn’t complain about your attitude towards his presence during those days he wanted intimacy with you doesn’t mean, he wasn’t aware of your reaction to his presence in your life. Chances are he kept quiet hoping you will get over whatever the problem bothering you was. He may have even suspected your unfaithfulness but hearing it from your own mouth must have caused something to die deep inside him. To even get him to listen to your proposal, you must first find the man inside of him that you lost through your own carelessness. This is the man you must apologise to, make peace with, allay the natural fear of his safety with you and reassure of your loyalty before you can approach him as your husband. this is because you didn’t hurt your husband but rather you did the man encased inside him. He may and may not take you back, but you need to seek first his forgiveness to be able to move past the position you have placed in yourself. As for the pregnancy, the choice of what to do is yours but what happens if that is the only child you are predestined to have? Won’t that be cutting your nose to spite your face? That child is innocent, had no hand in your reckless decisions to sleep with a man who left you to marry another woman. The fact that he left you in the first place to wed another should have told you in clear terms that he didn’t feel the things you felt for him. That alone should have made you to avoid him like a plague. You and not the man; are to blame for the mess your marriage has become. If he denied you and your pregnancy, he has every right to because in accepting what you freely offered, he didn’t promise you anything. His decision shows he is a man who values his home despite his affairs with you. Since you knew the risks involved in dating a married man and announcing your infidelity to your husband, be bold enough to take on the responsibility of this child. Don’t complicate things for yourself by tampering with this pregnancy. If your husband loves you, the presence of that child will not stop him from taking you back. Good luck.

I haven’t been able to move forward after 12 years

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Although, I am currently 27 years of age, I feel really helpless to admit that after 12 years my boyfriend and I parted ways; I have been unable to forget him. He is my first love. We were classmates and were always quarrelling. To those around us, our quarrels appeared fundamental but deep inside of us, we knew we were only being silly. I actually got to know the strength of his feelings for me through his friends. Till date, I still cherish the moment I heard how much he loved me. But being from a conservative religious family, I was scared of the consequences if my family got to find out about my relationship with any man so I openly snapped at him and said I don’t love him at all. I was deeply hurt but I pretended not to be. My reaction was the same when he attempted it again. My last day in school, I left without saying goodbye. But, ever since, I have been unable to forget him, can’t think of anybody else other than this man. Even after all these years, his memories still bring butterflies into my stomach. Recently, I managed to find him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted it and wanted us to meet online. Then all of a sudden, he blocked me. It’s really killing me. All these years I have tried to get over him; turned down the interests of others because in him I found a soulmate; each day I get more depressed just thinking about him. All I want to do is to declare my feelings then and now for him. I will accept it if he says to me it is over. But, after all these years, he came back and just shut out me out of his life; this is what is hurting me so much. Please advice me. Bhadra.

Must a woman reach orgasm to be pregnant?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Is it true that a couple must reach orgasm for the woman to get pregnant? I have never experienced orgasm and I am trying to get pregnant. Joyce. Dear Joyce, It isn’t true. Orgasm is only a function of the quality of sex between a couple and plays no role in the ability of reproduction of the woman. Once sperm gets into a virgina, it will always find its way to target once it is the right time of the month. If you are trying to get pregnant and you are not achieving results the first place to go is to see your doctor to examine you for any possible medical condition preventing you from getting pregnant. A number of factors could be responsible for a woman’s inability to get pregnant. In addition, the fault could come from your husband’s sperm quality. The fact that a man is secreting what looks like sperm doesn’t mean he is producing quality sperm that can make a baby. Some men have very poor quality sperm or very low sperm count. This means as a couple you and your man must first clear the medical hurdle; once certified fit to make babies you can both begin to consider other reasons you are not taking in. For instance, you may both be making love on the wrong days of the month, hence the need for you to know more about your body, the high and low days. To get it right, you must know how many days cycles you are. It would help you calculate your safe and unsafe days. The time you are at higher risk of getting pregnant, known as your ovulation days and when you are least likely to get pregnant. Apart from calculating your cycle from the second day of your menses, your body temperature too can forecast your safe and unsafe days. It is a matter of knowing your body intimately, knowing when your body temperature is higher, knowing when you are secreting that slimy fluid and the pap like substance. It is for you to know the information your body is passing to you. When the slimy secretion comes it means you are at your peak of getting pregnant, while the pap like secretion means you are not likely to get pregnant. Read up articles on ovulation, the different kinds of discharges women have and what they are saying about the condition of the woman’s reproductive ability. If you don’t know how to go about it, go to the family planning department in the hospitals. You will be educated on safe and unsafe days. Don’t allow your destiny to be influenced by misinformation that has no basis to real life situation. As long as you aren’t shy to ask questions and from those who know, you will always get the right answers to your challenge. Good luck.

I get easily erected in the presence of girls

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, You are doing a great job educating people on various topics. I just pray God rewards you here on earth. I am a shy boy of 18 years of age and have this problem of unwarranted erection most especially when I am in the company of girls. It happens without me thinking of anything. Most times it tries to embarrass me, I usually find excuses to leave their company immediately. This has been going on for quite sometime now and I really don’t have an explanation for this. Dominic. Dear Dominic, At 18 what you are going through is normal. It shows you are healthy but that you are yet to master the act of self-control. This is important. Unlike the women whose genitals are concealed in her body, that of the man is exposed and easily broadcast the man’s state of mind when in company of women. It isn’t socially healthy for you to go about exhibiting your object of desire each time you are with a woman. When the urges are coming think of something not so palatable, something to help take your mind off the woman in front of you and deflate your balloons from blowing up. The fact that you are having those erections shows that you are thinking of sex. It may not be a conscious thing but deep in your sub-consciousness, you feel like ripping the clothes off her. There must be something that goes on in your mind anytime you are with a woman to bring on that kind of physical response from your body. Your erection is a manifestation of the direction and quality of your thoughts when you are with these girls. By learning to be truthful to yourself, you will be able to fight the challenge more effectively. Good luck.

My daughter is stubborn, unruly

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I want to start by appreciating you. It is always a pleasure to read you. Your serialisation of the marriage issue you treated in November is a collector’s item. I look forward to when you would decide to turn it into a book. I am 55 years of age. My first daughter is married to one of the most gentle men I have ever met. But my daughter is a very stubborn and unruly lady. Right from her younger days, she has always been wayward. There is nothing I haven’t done to make her change but she has remained the way she is. Sometimes, I can’t help thinking she is my nemesis. I had her when I was 19 from my first affair. My mother wanted me to abort the pregnancy but young as I was, I insisted I wanted to keep it. Looking back at the many things she has done to me, I sometimes wish I had listened to my mother. I am not proud to say this but she has done things beyond my comprehension. I have never stopped praying for her. Her other siblings keep their distance from her because of her behaviour. When she brought this man home, as the man she desired to marry, I couldn’t stop thanking God because of the nature of this man. Like every other mother, I called my daughter aside to plead with her not to allow this man out of her life; that God brought him to change her life for the better. I also called the man aside to plead with him to always tolerate his wife and that he must be more than a husband to her. I explained to him that she needed a father figure. Their wedding day was my happiest day. She was so beautiful; I wept for joy. Two years down the road, I don’t know what to do with her anymore. The husband is tired of her. Can you imagine she would leave her baby and go partying with friends, come back home drunk? She has also been linked with several men. I have done my best to shield her from the wrath of her husband but she has persisted. Now she is accusing me of being her problem; that I am the one feeding her husband with false information about her; I am so confused at this. Really I don’t know what to do about her. Since she is always leaving the baby for her husband, he has expressed a desire for me to keep the baby with me since he doesn’t want his family to know what is happening. I don’t want more problems with my daughter by offering to take the baby but if I don’t, she will lose her home because I am aware of the pressures my son-in-law is facing from his family. Please what do I do? Do I damn my child and take the baby off her or distant myself from this whole mess? Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, Refuse to be blackmailed by your daughter. There is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her child. If your taking the child will allow for peace in her home, preserve her marriage and give her husband a reason to always come back home, ignore your daughter. Make the success of her home your priority; by the time she gets to that point every woman gets to know and realises that she needs her home and family more than anything else, she will be grateful for the positive roles you played in the preservation of her home. Because she still considers herself hot and attractive, she will do anything in her power to frustrate you so that she can continue to live her life the way she deems fit. You have to be careful she doesn’t use you as the reason for the collapse of her marriage. This is why you must stand your ground and do what you consider to be right always irrespective of what she thinks of your concern for her. While you continue to arbitrate in her marriage, you must also find ways of talking to her. In a way, your inability to get through to her maybe the reason she is living her life the way she likes. Weaning a child of his or her bad ways takes more than scolding. You have to show her love and understanding by coming down to her level. You need to talk to her as a friend. Having her at 19, may have affected the way you relate with her. Sometimes it isn’t the things we say that end up being the problems in our lives but those things we refuse to say. If you have always acted as if she is a burden, never finding that time to treat her as a special child, there is no way she will ever be an ideal child to you. Somehow, she may have escaped with the notion that you don’t like her being a child of circumstance. Her behaviour is her way of crying out to you to help her by giving her attention. It is time you sat your daughter down for that important mother and daughter talk. Open up to her about her paternity; if she hasn’t met her father, please take the steps. It is important else she will never be the kind of daughter you want her to be. She has to know who her father and family is. She can never have the peace of mind or the kind of respect you deserve as a mother. She needs you as her friend to move beyond this stage of rebellion to other things. Chances are she is also rebelling against her husband because of his closeness to you. Unless you do the unusual, you will lose her forever and in a way destroy her home. It is time to revisit your past; at her age, she will understand whatever you have to say concerning your relationship with her father as well as the decisions you took. It will also help to know that you had a choice to abort her and that your mother actually suggested it to protect you but that you insisted on having her because you loved her from the beginning. The essence of telling this story is to help her realise the kind of sacrifice you made for her even before she was born. Also, explain your closeness to her husband and the reason you appear to always be on his side. Appreciating that your interest doesn’t go beyond that of being a mother, will help her calm down. Furthermore, reconcile your children; although you didn’t say what kinds of things happened between her and her siblings, you must overcome your pains by bringing all of them together. Being the only one of a different father, she needs your love and support to properly integrate into the family. You are the only one that has the authority to bring your children together. And please don’t allow her behaviour stop you from praying for her. Battles of this nature are won on bent knees and not by fighting or getting angry. She may not know it now but, she needs you more than she realises. Call her and her husband for a detailed discussion on the challenges of marriage and how their imperfection can end up being their strength. Also make it clear, you are taking the child for now to enable both of them get their acts together. Good luck.

Who do I settle for among these women?

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been facing a lot of confusion concerning my life. I have been in a relationship with this lady for years now. Before we added a year to our relationship, we had a problem that led me into a messy relationship with another lady. I call it a stupid mess because I am not benefiting from it. Instead, it is draining my pocket, which is making me lose concentration at school and at work. Currently, I am between two ladies and don’t know whom to settle for. The second lady deflowered me. My feeling for the first lady is pure and clean, devoid of sex while my feeling for the second lady is woven around the aroma of sex being my instructor. I always call on her whenever I feel like having sex. Because of this, I don’t know who to give the marching orders out of these two women. Please help me make the right choice. PA. Dear PA, The choice before you is that of what is most important to you in life and subsequently in that woman who would give support to your dreams in life. Sex is what everywoman can give a man. Even if she lacks the kind of experience you find in another woman, if you worth your salt as a man, you can teach the woman in your life how to please you in bed. But peace of mind is only what a few women can give their men. Every couple has the ability to patent its sex in such a way to give pleasure forever. It is just a matter of imagination, honesty and pure sense of adventure. This is however different when it has to do with attitude and character. These are what make sex between couples different from what they have experienced with causal friends. Sex has its own power of communication and the value of this aspect of sex can only be enhanced when the relationship is enveloped in friendship. This is what gives it a different kind of flavour. Therefore, you need more than desire to enjoy sex. What is happening between you and this lady is raw want, especially as you are experiencing sex for the first time. The thrill of a woman’s body is what is influencing you right now and the only power of communication you and this woman have unlike your first relationship where you both have mastered the act of communication that comes from pure friendship. What you should do now is get out for a little while. You need time on your own to revalue your relationship with both women. Revisit the reason for your disagreement with your first girlfriend. What led to it? Why did you jump immediately into another relationship? First take a deep look at your relationship with your first girlfriend. Are there areas you think she is lacking? In what way are you also contributing to the problem? Just like it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to destroy something beautiful. At this crucial point, you need to be very honest with yourself to avoid regrets later in life. Take retrospective look at your relationship with the first lady. In all your months together, how much impact and changes has brought into your life? If you were to live without her, what would you miss most about her? Do you think, deep down, this other woman would be able to give you the kind of happiness she gives you outside sex? By keeping in view your dreams in life and x-raying your relationships with these women, you give yourself the chance of knowing whom to settle for. The woman must have the ability to awaken in you a desire to excel through her unconditional support, patience, loyalty, friendship, respectful, tolerance, prayerful and understanding. Any woman who isn’t patient, lacks the selflessness to make a relationship work, isn’t prepared to tolerate the expected ups and downs would not have the kind of sensitivity needed to propel a man to attain his best in life. A man needs more than a bedmate; he needs a friend to always come home to. One who will always understand that it takes more in life to make a dream come true and is forever on her knees praying for her family to succeed and who has the right kind of respect to cope even when tempers are high. As man, you must look out for that woman who has the ability to cope when you are not around or when things are not going well. She must be a reservoir of strength for those dry days as well as the willingness to give her best to make her man and family happy. Only a woman, who has mother qualities in her, can make things happen for her man and home. But one who strives solely in sex cannot be trusted to withstand those bad times we all experience sometime in our relationships. Therefore, be careful you don’t throw away gold and settle for dust. Do ask God for His guidance in all these. Good luck.

I love her but I am shy to tell her

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this lady I am so much in love with. But I am afraid of approaching her because she is one of the big babes in our estate. She lives alone in a two bedroom flat and has a good car. She is friendly but I don’t know how she will react to my offer of friendship. She is responsible because for the six months I have become observant of her, I noticed she isn’t the kind that has so many friends, both males and females. Despite what appears to be her good nature, I don’t want to be messed up by her. I am a bachelor with a very good job in a telecommunication company but I am very shy. I broke up with my girlfriend a year ago and since then, I have stayed off women until I started to notice her. Despite not being close to her but from observations, she comes close to my kind of woman. Could you please offer me any helpful hints on how to go about it? Shall be very grateful if you can help me. Lekan. Dear Lekan, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Every step in life is laced with risk, failure and success. And there is no getting to the success part without surmounting the risks involved. It isn’t as if you are planning to flea on her; you also have a good job. So why should she mess you up? It would have been a different ball game if you didn’t have a job. The worst that can happen is to turn down your request. Beyond turning down your request, there is nothing else she can do. As a man, you should be used to women turning you down. It is in the nature of women, especially the young ones to first make a man work hard for their hearts. If she turns you down the first day, don’t give up. Besides, you aren’t going to tell her that you are in love with her on your first day. To do that is to seal the fate of whatever relationship you hope to establish with her. Not every woman loves to be told by a man she is meeting for the first time that he is in love with her. Such men sound hollow and dishonest. No matter how shy you are, complimenting a woman on her looks shouldn’t be too difficult. The tricky part of it for shy men is when they try to over impress a woman. A simple smile to her is enough to establish recognition and begin a kind of friendship. Since you appear to know so much about her, the next time you see her driving out or going out of her compound, position yourself in such a way she will notice your friendly face and even a little wave. She may look through you the first time, pretending not to notice what you are getting at but by the time she sees you the next time, she will reciprocate your smile. Once you gain her attention, stick to general topics for the first few meetings; this will not only make her more relaxed with you but also curious about you. The more she unpeels the layers of mystery surrounding you, chances are she will come to love you the way you have come to appreciate her, as long as you are able to relate as friends, all the other things will fall into place. Good luck.

He raped me and now he wants to marry me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I was raped by one of our neighbour’s brothers. It was the first time for me. I felt very bad but I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want the matter to go beyond the two of us. On that day, I had gone into the bathroom in the afternoon when the whole compound was empty to take my bath. I didn’t know he was at home. The next thing I knew was someone forcing his way into the bathroom when I had soap on my face. He overpowered me and had his way with me. Although he later apologized but the harm had been done. My virginity was gone. As a result of the incident, the man I was going to marry left me to marry another woman. It was painful but I surrendered everything to God. My parents were very disappointed; there was nothing they didn’t say; my ex branded me a woman of easy virtue. Although the boy relocated the day after the incident, I left a week after to stay with a friend of mine. From there I picked up the pieces of my life again. I was lucky to get a very good job but my heart refused to heal. Another man I dated also disappointed me and at the point I was contemplating staying off men, the man who raped him came knocking on my door. From the look of him, he was doing very well. I thought he missed his way and was about closing the door against him when he said he came to apologise for what he did to me on that day. Don’t minding if we had an audience, he went on his knees to beg me right in front of my door. I had no choice but to allow him come in. he said he hadn’t had peace of mind since the incident. Despite telling him that I have forgiven him, he and his family members want us to get married. he said it is the only way I can show my forgiveness for him. He has been disturbing me since January this year, begging and asking me to marry him. Between you and I; I have fallen in love with him but just don’t know how to forgive him for what he did to me three years ago. Please help me understand what I should do and how to go about this situation. Docas. Dear Docas, If you are in love with him, you just have to find it in your heart to forgive this man in order to move away from the pains of the past. Doubtless, he wronged you in the worst way any man can hurt a woman. But what would you have done if he didn’t come back to beg? After all, you didn’t do anything all these years, couldn’t even tell your family what happened to you or the identity of the man who made your fiancé leave you. Therefore to continue to hold on to the memory of what he didn’t to you is to deny yourself the chance to be happy in life. It would have been a different case if you had been able to move ahead of these years. The fact that you haven’t been able to sustain a relationship three years after that incident is indicative of your emotional state at what happened. Having him back will not only help you put things in their proper perspective but free you from the damaging emotions of un-forgiveness. For one to enjoy mercy, one must learn to let go. This is one of the classic situations when God’s way defies understanding; when the reason we fall in love is inexplicable. Ordinarily, you should hate this man, vow never ever to see him again and if possible, hand him over to the Police for violating you; but here you are falling in love with him. It sounds crazy but love has been known to happen in such circumstances. The fact that you didn’t squeal on him, make trouble with whosoever he was staying with or announce his nature to the world means that when you thought you were hurting, hating him, something stronger was happening to you. Your memory had refused to let go of the pleasure in your pains. This is why you couldn’t execute any meaningful relationship since the incident. Chances are even if your boyfriend then had married you, deep inside your subconscious, you would have held memories of this man: granted that you might not be able to define what precisely these feelings meant but overtime There are two things at stake here: it is either you turn your back on your love for him or give in to the desires of your heart. There is no venture without risk. But, the risk of not following the desires of one’s heart often than not, is the most traumatic and one that carries with it a lifetime of regrets. Rather than make things more difficult for both of you, why not sit him down to ask questions? For instance, why did he rape you and why is he so determined to marry you? Yours is a rather peculiar case. Not only did he come back but wants to marry you. Certainly there is a story behind this. Hearing the story will make a lot of things clearer to you which in turn will give you a better understanding into that very sad incident of three years ago. Besides, you have fallen in love with him; meaning you no man will ever be able to make you happy. Surely, this is something you cannot continue to ignore even if you hate the assault on your body. Even if you close the eyes to whatever explanations he has to give on why he did what he did as well as his reasons for wanting you permanently in his life, you cannot deny what you feel. Love is too powerful a chemistry to ignore. You can only resist it temporarily. Eventually you will have to do something about it and the earlier you made up your mind, the better for you. Don’t forget that age doesn’t wait for anybody and the often ignored issue in situations like this, that this man has a choice. There is the danger of another woman snatching him from you should you continue to dilly-dally on this issue. Particularly as there is no undoing that incident of the past. No matter how you desire it, punish him, he cannot return your broken seal. It is a done deal. And since you failed to take any legal steps against him then, you must move on. besides, if your former fiancé actually loved you, he wouldn’t have left you on the basis of you losing your virginity. It showed he was more interested in your body than your well being. A man who has more than passing interest in a woman, doesn’t limit his decision to one mistake. So, in a way, you and that man were never meant to be. You would never have been completely happy with your ex. Though no woman prays to be violated, the reason for certain developments in our lives cannot be explained. Because only God has the knowledge of all our tomorrows, go to Him in prayers. Tell this man to give you time to pray and ask for help. It is obvious that you need more than the assurances of your feelings to move on. Thereafter, give you and him the opportunity to know each other, to discover if you two have what it takes to be a happy couple. Talking to God will make it easier for you to forgive him completely from the heart since He is one who never gets tired of forgiving His children. From experience, your kind of story and situation are what solid relationships and marriages are made of. Having hurt you so deeply ones, he would never want to do anything that will hurt you again. This is because a man can only hurt a woman this deep once in her lifetime. There is nothing this man can do to you that will be as deep as raping you. Trust in love and your heart. Good luck

He doesn’t want me anymore

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I live with my boyfriend whom I love dearly and one I don’t want to lose. Recently, he stopped making love to me saying he doesn’t feel me anymore. But we still sleep on the same bed which is very hard for me because I get horny and want him to fulfill my sexual desires. How can I make him have sex with me again because I don’t want any other man? I don’t understand how he can resist me while most men say I am beautiful and sexy, which is true. Sexy Lady. Dear Sexy Lady, I smell certain measure of arrogance in your attitude; and this maybe the problem in your relationship with this man. You are not doing this man a favor by sleeping with him. You are the one whose value is diminishing because a man has nothing to lose by the number of women he sleeps with. While a man can announce to the world the number of women he has slept with, no woman, no matter how permissive the society has become will have the boldness to put a figure to the number of men she has slept with. It will also do you a world of good to appreciate that a woman’s beauty and appeal don’t last forever especially if she isn’t the careful one. A woman’s true beauty lies within her; in the choices she makes in life as well as her determination to elevate the right virtues of her unique positions of being a woman, wife and mother. If sex is all that interest you in your destiny, then you are denying the wholesome pleasures that come from the diverse roles women play in the society, home and life of her family. A valuable woman is one who can multi-task, be a little of everything not the one who selects just one role and stays on it. Sex is good but if that is all you are good at, no man wants a woman that is every man’s darling in the bedroom. There is more to life and relationship, than sex. A woman must be able to deposit something extraordinarily positive in the life of her man to remain relevant in his life. If all you care about is sex, of what use are you to this man as a woman? Sex is something a man can get anywhere; and sometimes of a better quality and pleasure. Besides, if really pressed for it, he can pay someone for the pleasure. It is that cheap and certainly not criteria any man would push forward in his choice of a woman to spend the rest of his life with. While a man can teach a woman to give him good and quality lovemaking, he cannot teach her how to be a good, responsible and worthy woman. These are qualities a woman must have to sustain the interest of the man in her life. There is no way a relationship based on sex alone will last because no man can live on sex alone. Granted your beauty and sex appeal can attract the interest of men but these are things that don’t last. These same men will soon lose interest in your person when they find out that you have nothing else to offer them. This precisely is what the attitude of your boyfriend is telling you; that, he is tired of a woman who has nothing to offer him beyond the pleasure of her body. Since you don’t want to lose him, get serious about your life and priority. All those men you think desire you today, will one day look through those things you think are important to you because right beside you, is another young lady with better sex appeal. To get him back, sit down to take stock of your relationship since you started. Also, take into account your own attitude towards life, the things you play up as being more important to you as a woman. Then ask yourself this vital question as truthfully as you can; if you were a man, would you stay with the kind of woman you come up with? There is no way this man would turn cold on you if you know other secrets about him; for instance, as the woman who warms his bed, how far have you been able to read his other needs? For instance, do you know the kind of foods that excite him the most? Many a time, women, generally feed the men in their lives with convenient foods without pausing to think if the man likes what he is eating. As a woman, you should endeavor to make yourself so relevant in your man’s life that it would be impossible for any other woman to steal him from you. To get him interested in you again, learn to pamper him because he is really your first child. Every tribe has a peculiar meal; go and learn how to make his native meal. Forget the rice and stew story most of them give; there is always something special about a man’s native soup that makes a huge impact in his subconscious. Even if you don’t have anybody to teach you, why not learn; get a friend whose passion is cooking to teach you how to cook real food, assorted native soups as well as good vegetable soups to make him want to come back home anytime he is out of the house. You also have to teach yourself how to clean the house and keep your environment clean. For instance, how often do you change the bed-sheets you both sleep on and make love? How clean and organized is the room you both sleep in? How observant are you of his moods? A good woman must be able to read the moods of her man, knowing when to push the agenda of sex and when to back off. For example, you don’t even know what issues are bothering your man. All you care about is the fact that he isn’t having sex with you whereas, he could be going through serious challenges that make sex the last thing on his mind. Your place as the woman in his life is to find out and offer him whatever assistance you can. This will make him appreciate your feelings for him and also tell him that he isn’t just a man that satisfies only your sexual needs but one you care so much about. Just like you won’t want any man to value your body more than your happiness, men also don’t appreciate a woman who limits all her interest in them to his sexual performance. This man outside the bedroom has needs, dreams, emotions and disappointments. Without the right frame of mind, there is no way he can perform in the bedroom. The total summation of his well being is etched on his happiness and fulfillment as a man. If you learn to think less of yourself, you might just discover that his disinterest in sex has nothing to do with you but with himself and his business. Develop the habit of constant communication. There is no moving a relationship forward without knowing how to discuss your challenges. Both of you must be ready to talk, listen to each other and take a joint decision that will grow a better understanding between the two of you. This is important and one of the secrets that sustains a relationship. Once a man and woman are able to overcome the issue of keeping secrets from each other, appreciate the essence of exchanging information, they develop a bond nothing can penetrate because they have become not just lovers but good friends as well. Even if the love side of their relationship has problems, their friendship side will step forward to save the relationship from collapsing. Often than not, this is the ingredient that helps difficult relationships to survive the storm. No matter how compatible a couple is in bed, if unable to sustain a relationship outside the confines of the bedroom, sex becomes a mere function, an animalistic urge lacking in power to patch up leaks in the wall of the relationship. Therefore, you need to find ways of getting through to the inner person; to help you find a better understanding into the direction your relationship with him is headed. This relationship needs more seriousness on your part as well as a clear cut idea because vision drives one’s dreams. So rather than concentrate on the mundane issue of sex, look into the more serious issues of his well being and happiness. Once you deal with the issues making him unhappy, it will be easier for you to get him to cheer up in the bedroom. Good luck.

He’s nice, but too old for my liking

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am 20 years of age and reside in Abuja. Before I gained admission into school, I was working and met this man who declared his love for me. He is actually responsible for my care and stay in school. But the problem is I don’t love him at all, already he is talking about marriage. He is 38 years of age. I don’t know what to do because I am in love with a guy who is 24 years old. Please tell me what to do, as I cannot displease myself to please him. Anonymous. Dear Anonymous, You cannot displease yourself yet you are willing to make him displease himself by paying your schools fees as well as picking your other bills? If you know you have a boyfriend you are in love with, why are you making this man take on your responsibilities and investing his time and emotions on you? Why haven’t you told him to go his way; that you don’t share in the kind of dreams he has for both of you? Why are you accepting all the attention, support and care from him when your mind is given to another man? And do you even know the meaning of love? If you actually claim to love your boyfriend, what kind of sacrifices are you willing to make for the sake of the love? Love comes with so much sacrifice. You should be willing to endure discomfort for the sake of love. If you don’t teach yourself now to endure certain situations, when would you learn to do it? What you are doing now is eating and having your cake. You want the comfort the money of the other man can give you and at the same time you want the thrills of the company of your youngish boyfriend. Life doesn’t work like that. Something must give way to something for a wholesome life. What you are doing isn’t right at all. Even though you haven’t said it in explicit terms, you don’t want him because you consider him deep in your heart to be too old for you. You don’t love him because you think he lacks the excitement your current boyfriend is giving you. Sincerely, what you are doing is akin to defrauding the man of his hard earned money and that could actually spell doom for you later in the future. This is because this man is doing this on the understanding you will become his wife. This is a fact you are aware of. He is training you in the university as his wife, to better your lot in life and to take away some pressures from him later in future. At 38, he is under the impression he has reached his final bus stop, hence is holding nothing back to ensure you don’t lack anything. It would therefore hurt him beyond measure when you finally tell him that all his investment, both financially, emotionally, materially, spiritually are in vain. By then you would not only be hurting him physically but spiritually as well. And this is where the problem usually comes in situations like you have created for yourself. Although so many women think there is really nothing to it and often laugh or scoff at the ideal of a spiritual angle to these issues. The fact remains that the spiritual implications are more often than not very disastrous for a woman who intentionally leads a man astray knowing fully well that she would never marry him. It is always better not to begin something you cannot finish, refuse the sponsorship of a man you are not ready to marry. To forestall any future pains and plenty of regrets later in life, do yourself a world of good by coming out with the truth concerning your feelings or plans. Let him know now that you cannot marry him because you don’t feel the same thing he feels for you. The worst that can happen is that you would lose his sponsorship and care. It isn’t right for you to allow one man to train you only for you to marry another. If you truly love your boyfriend and believe in his person, you won’t disrespect him by allowing another man to train you. Besides, have you thought of the implication on your relationship if this boyfriend of yours finds out that you are involved with another man 14 years his senior in age? You are just as capable of losing the trust and love of this young man in the same way you would the care, attention and support of the older man. Whatever happens, please tell him the truth. Make the choice today before it’s too late for you to redeem your image as well as protect yourself against the backlash of what you are doing. Learn to be honest with yourself, it is the only way you can live life without hassles. Good luck.

How do I tell my wife her friend has a son for me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My wife and I haven’t been able to conceive since we got married seven years ago. There is no kind of treatment we haven’t done or place for solutions we have not visited to solve our problems. Just mention it and we will be there or taking the treatment. All the results point at her as the one with the 50-50 chance; I have no fault but having made a vow to her, I can’t abandon her. Besides, she is not completely without hope of conceiving which is why I haven’t discussed the option of adopting a child. Sometimes, she gets very depressed about it and expresses the fear that I would one day look for children from another woman like my mother has been suggesting. Her fear is entrenched in the knowledge that I am the only son of my mother. Despite these pressures from my family, I have however stood behind my wife because she is a good wife and I love her very much. I have also tried to behave but I sometimes fail especially when I am outside Lagos. Apart from respect for my wife, she has a very bad temper and is generally insecure as a result of her condition. In all my strays, I have often cautioned myself, putting the safety of my wife above every other consideration. I go armed with my own packets of condoms if I have to. However, I have a situation on my hands now that I don’t know how to handle. While my wife and I were still dating, almost close to the time we got married, I had a brief affair with one of her friends. This lady was compellingly attractive. I couldn’t resist her. It was very brief but intense. At the end, she actually broke up the affair and disappeared to the North. Nobody had any inkling to where she went to in the North. We all actually thought she was dead as nobody heard from her all these years. You can therefore imagine my surprise when she surfaced at my office with a young boy. Even if I try to deny the obvious, this child looks like me. From the moment she walked into my office, I didn’t need her to tell me the motive of her visit; the young man’s features told its own story. But I allowed her to tell me what she came to do. She said, she didn’t know about the pregnancy until it was too late. That the pregnancy wasn’t even supposed to happen because a previous abortion attempt damaged her womb as doctors told her. By the time she knew, aborting the baby was out of it. She said she didn’t contact me because she wanted the baby all to herself but the child is daily making life difficult for her over his demands to see his father. Besides, the man she eventually got married to has asked her to return the child to his father. She has another son for the man. After introducing me to my son, she announced she was going back without him. I immediately contacted my mother who came to pick the child from the office. That was three months ago. The child stays with my mother. I want to know and live with my son but don’t how to tell my wife about the child. My sisters, mother and a few of my friends in the know insist I tell her before she finds out from elsewhere. The issue is, I don’t know how to present the matter. I know my wife; she is capable of anything when angry. This is what I fear the most. She could harm me and herself. The fact too that the woman involved is her one time friend will make her more deadly to handle. In the last couple of years, her insecurity has given rise to her bouts of temper. How do I get around this problem? When is the right time to tell her? I am so confused. Do I allow her to find out on her own or hide the existence of this child from her until in later years? Tade. Dear Tade, When will she not find out about the child? Whether she finds out now or later in life, the fact remains that she will one day discover you have a love child outside your marriage. The outcome will still be the same; she will feel bad at the knowledge that another woman succeeded where she couldn’t. By then, the issue will shift from you having a child to you deliberately hoarding information about the child to mock her situation. As it is now, the child isn’t a result of an affair you had after marriage but the one you had before marrying her. Even though you had it with her friend, at least, the conception of this child wasn’t as a result of the situation you are having with her. The presence of this child is an accident that happened long before the challenge in your marriage reared its head. Though in a way, you wronged her by sleeping with her friend, it is imperative she understands that you had nothing to do with the decision to keep the child or his existence for that matter until his mother brought him to your office. Even if you wanted to, there is no way you can turn your back on the child; it is too late in the day since the issue has gone beyond what you want to what is practicable. The existence of the child can no longer be wished away. Faith has sealed that and only a man headed for destruction wrestles with his destiny. However, for the reasons you have explained, don’t be alone when you break the news to her. There is the need for you to involve her family members in this whole thing. Exclude your family members from it all because with them in the audience, she will never have the presence of mind to hear you out. Rather than make things better, it will only complicate things for you due to the huge misunderstanding between them and her over the issue of her inability to give you a child. Besides, the idea that your people would silently, be celebrating the vindication of their opposition to her; would make her support difficult to obtain on this matter. No woman enjoys being shown the failure of her womanhood in the presence of her perceived enemies. So preclude your family members from this initial discussion. The presence of her family members will no doubt water down the intensity of her reactions. They are in the best position to explain to her that you didn’t go outside your marriage, had no knowledge of the kind of challenges that awaited you in the marriage when you dated the mother of this child. Besides, hearing it from you will make it easier for her to tolerate. If she hears it first from other sources, she may not be ready to hear anything from you or she could go to the extreme of hurting herself terribly. After explaining the sequence of how the thing happened, beg her for forgiveness as well as an assurance that you will never leave her. For now, don’t bring the child home. Give her time to heal and adjust to this new knowledge of a step-son. But if after a year, she still refuses to allow you bring the child home, go ahead and bring him in, even if it is only during weekends initially. Don’t worry, your marriage will survive and become stronger after this. Every marriage has a storm to contend with from time to time. Good luck.

He is still unsure of what he wants after 12 years

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I’m a lady of 28 years of age. My fiancé and I have been dating for more than 12 years now. He is the last born and only man of the family. Both families supported the relationship until 2008 when his mother died. It was after the death of his mother that they got to know that he built a house in our names. All his sisters condemned him for including my name in such an important project. They all wondered why he did that considering the fact that we are both not yet married. In their reasoning, it shows that I will prevent them from having unhindered access to their brother and his property when we eventually marry. We are still on the matter. Agatha, I am surprised because this is a man who has done so much for his father and sisters to establish them and make them independent of him. Painfully, my fiancé is weakening my position in his life and family by his attitude. One of the reasons they are giving for opposing his decision to include my name in the house documents has to do with the other ladies he has also introduced to the family. There is this one in particular, I have noticed around him for two years. When I confronted him, he had the grace to admit having a relationship with her. As a matter of fact, he confessed to being in love with the lady just as he is with me. His sisters have decided he should marry this other lady. According to the sister, what pains her about the whole development is the pregnancy my boyfriend asked the other lady to terminate. There is another lady who is always calling me on the phone to insult me. When I complained to my boyfriend, he apologised on her behalf. According to his sisters, they would prefer he remains single rather than marry me. Although I have indicated my interest to terminate the relationship, he is unwilling to let go of me just as he is also determined to hold on to the other lady. The lady is a northerner while we are both come from the western part of the country. Please, Agatha advise me on what to do because I have told him off. But he keeps saying, I shall surely come back to him even if out of anger I marry another man. I can’t explain it all. Worried Fiancée. Dear Worried Fiancée, The issue goes beyond what he wants to what you want. This is a man you have dated for 12 years. What prevented both of you from making your relationship permanent? It couldn’t have been due to lack of money so why did you both wait for this long? What were the issues you were both having in the relationship until things got to this point? Has he always had women in his life all these years? If not, at what point did he change? For him to have added your name to the documents of his house shows his feelings for you are real and that he has sufficient trust in your person. However his insistence on having the other woman too in his life along side you indicates that he may not be the kind of man that is satisfied with having one woman in his life. To be able to understand him, you must be objective about your relationship with him as well as his flaws and yours. Who is this man you have dated for 12 years? What are his plans for himself, his idea of marriage and his major concern in life? Having been with him for these number of years, you more than any of these women is in a better position to describe him. What has kept both of you together all these years? Would you describe him as a womaniser? Do you think he would ever let go of the other woman once his mind is made up about her? Since you appear unwilling too to go, do you see yourself agreeing to marry him irrespective of his other women? Do you see him being able to offer you the kind of protection you need against the hostility of his family members? Is the issue of the name on the documents the only reason his family is now against you? Why is the death of his mother affecting your relationship with him? Have you ever been pregnant for him before? Has he insisted you get pregnant for him? If you had, why did you terminate the pregnancy (ies)? Were the decision to terminate his or yours? And if you have never been pregnant, do you think this could be the reason he is insisting on marrying another woman? Why does his sisters prefer the other girl to you? Have you in the course of your relationship with him given his family the impression that without you nobody can have access to him? Your problem with him could also be that you have both outgrown your relationship. If you are 28, you obviously started dating him when you were merely 16 years of age. At that time, you didn’t know what you were going into. Besides your dream and interests then were of a different kind, not the kind you have with him now. Chances are both of you may have grown apart in ideas, feelings and dreams even though you have been able to keep the relationship going. Having become too familiar with yourselves, the relationship may have reached a peak you cannot move it forward for lack of ideas on what to do. This challenge, if properly handled, could help you in particular know your area of strength and weakness. Unless you develop the thirst to move it forward, it could all collapse like pack of cards. To get this right, you must begin to look at your man from a fresh angle; revisit your dream of your ideal man as well as the qualities you found in him then and what you now know are real and fake about those qualities that attracted you to him. This isn’t the time for you to pretend to want what you know you cannot cope with down the road. Doubtless, you would miss not having him in your life but admitting to the truths now would help you know what realistic steps and options you have. At this critical point in your relationship, you need to take some drastic steps and one of them is calling him for a very frank discussions. Let him tell you what you don’t know about all that is happening between the two of you and why he isn’t satisfied with having only you in his life. Insist he tells you what your faults are with a view of helping you avoiding them later in life. You have to know what his mindset is to enable you determine what your final decision would be. The issue may just be a temporary separation to refresh on your dreams. Going down memory lane helps a great deal in helping couples heal the disappointments in their relationship. You are no longer 16 but a 28-year-old woman, who is now more matured and in charge of her life than the innocent girl that entered into this relationship 12 years back. Unless she is given a chance to express herself, just like your man too need to come out of the age he entered into this relationship and enter his current age both of you would continue to experience this confusion. Doubtless you are both fond of each other but your adults’ selves must come out of the decisions your teenage years made for you urgently. You must answer the question of whether you both want to marry or not, as adults. This declaration would help him come out with the truth he is obviously battling with which, in fairness to him, he may not even know. The earlier you did this the best for you because time is of essence to you. However, don’t ignore the issue of a spiritual angle. When did this present girl surface in your relationship? Was it before the mother’s death or after? In making the final decision, please find time to be with God. Pray and fast because whether you like it or not, this relationship would affect you in more than one ways especially if both of you are throwing in the towel. It would be 12 years of your life that would be ending. Therefore you must be assured by God that you are on the right part, so the pains of your break up would not prevent you from falling in love again or pressure you into dating someone who is all wrong for you. Such moments would also point you at the adversary in your relationship. Ask God to deal with all your confusions himself. Good luck.

They want my son after all these years

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, While in secondary school, I got pregnant for a classmate of mine. He didn’t deny the pregnancy even though his mother did everything humanly possible to make him deny paternity of the child. He stood by me; telling everyone that cared to listen that he deflowered me and that I wasn’t the kind of girl his mother was trying to make me out to be. His father, a politician didn’t waste time ferrying him out of the country. None of the parents bothered to find out how I was or the baby when I had him. Despite the distance, he kept writing and sending me his pocket money through his elder sister who showered me with love and attention. On the day of the child’s naming; my parents didn’t know what to do on that day, whether to be happy or sad; she came with her friends, brought food and clothes. She stood as the only representative of the father of my son. Not once did she leave me alone. Every month she sent money to us and came whenever she could find the time from her bank job. When the baby was old enough, she insisted I further my education and took over the payment of the crèche I usually leave my baby. She gave my mother money to begin a trade to make things easier for her so she could continue to help me with the child. Between her and the father of my child, they built a three bedroom bungalow for me and the baby at Akute. My parents moved in with me; that is where I stay till today. My son, when he was 10, accompanied his aunty and her children to London where my son met with his father. Thereafter, his would send for him every long vacation to spend the summer holidays with him. For reasons best known to him, he refused to come back to the country. To cut the long story short, he died last year leaving his son and I well provided for. The last mail he sent to me before he died; he apologized for everything I went through, commending me for being a good mother to his son. He talked about his practice in England and how I should encourage his son to take over from him. He told me that his greatest regret in life is not being with me and that if there is another world, he would begin and end it with me. He ended by telling me how much he loved me and his wish that things were different. He died in an accident but I sometimes wonder if it was really an accident. The reason I am writing is that his parents want to see my son after 17 years. the last time I saw them was when his mother drove my mother and I out of their house in Ikoyi on the day we went to inform them of my pregnancy; when she called my mother and I wretched souls who wanted to reap where they didn’t sow. My parents died six and four years ago. Apart from my younger brother, my son is all I have. No man wanted to marry me because of my son; the last one that came wanted me to send my son away to his father’s family. Although he is now an undergraduate he remains my baby. They have sent the only person they know I will listen to, their daughter to plead with me to allow them see their grandson but, whenever I recall how they humiliated my mother and I, something inside of me just refuse to listen. Their daughter has been so nice to me; I know I am hurting her but it is difficult to let go of my pains. Agatha, please help me. I am sure they wouldn’t have come if their son didn’t die or had other children. Violet. Dear Violet, To err is human, to forgive is divine. Forgiveness is a gift from God; through it, we become one with Him. If you look back at the ways God has helped you to survive, surrounded you and your son with people who love you; you will realize that holding back on your forgiveness would be unfair to the God of mercy. These people are old; humbled by time and no longer the same people who arrogantly walked your mother and you out of their home. It can’t have been easy asking your permission to see the grandchild they denied years ago. If for nothing, consider the selfless love of the father of your child and his sister who stood by you through thick and thin; who against all odds at his tender age was sending you money for your upkeep. Both he and his sister could easily have abandoned you as other young men and even older ones have been known to do in the past and even now. This boy must have loved you from the depth of his heart and obviously made his sister promise to always be by your side. Have you ever paused to think of why his sister didn’t for one second turn her back on you, was always around you? The father of your child must have put her to it. Building you a house to stay, giving your mother money to upgrade her business shows a man whose heart never left you. That you were able to go back to school came from the benevolence of this lady who is today begging you for a favor. Don’t forget that she has never asked you for one, was always the one giving to you. You could argue that she was doing it for her brother but how many women will be this devoted if she didn’t want to? She showed you love where her parents reviled you, offered you respect and dignity when you needed it the most. Coming to represent the family of the father of your son at the naming was a way of announcing to the world that you may have made a mistake but you aren’t wayward. It must have taken guts for her to do what she did. Besides, don’t you think your son deserves to be integrated with his father’s family? Surely you know how much sacrifice his father made for you and his son. the best you can do for him is to allow his son enjoy the comfort and presence of the family he forfeited for your sake. It couldn’t have been easy for him all those years in a lonely country without the warmth of his family. Whether you like it or not, your son must have his own dreams: that of meeting his father’s entire family. He is a man and would one day bear the burden of his heritage. This you cannot take away from him. He is his father’s child; his only child and one he sacrificed so much for in life. Allow him to meet his grandparents. It is only right. How would you feel if they die before you think it right for all parties to meet? You will never be able to face yourself or forgive your inability to forget the past or pardon them for trying to protect their son from what the hands of one they perceive to be a gold digger. Sometimes, it is easier to point the accusing finger when we are in a different side of the field but wait until we find our self on the other side before we know the worth of our true character. In her position, you may behave in like manner. The human nature is very unpredictable. Besides, you have grown older and more experienced in life, so forgiveness should come to you naturally. Don’t wait for anyone to take your son to them, take him there by yourself; show them that you are a better person than they were at your age. It will make you feel better at the end of the day as well as worthy of the support and love given you all these years by the sister of your son’s father. Trust me; there is so much joy and peace in forgiveness. One day, your son will thank you for it. Good luck

My friend accuses me of desiring her man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have this issue disturbing my mind and which often makes me very sad. There is this friend of mine; we are both in the same school and live in the same neighbourhood. Her husband’s friend saw my picture on her Blackberry (BB) and expressed an interest in me which I initially turned down. As her wedding date approached, I became a constant visitor to their house and there I met this man again. My friend and her husband talked me into dating this man. Since my boyfriend isn’t based in Nigeria, and the fear that he might change his mind as is often the case with people who travel abroad, I succumbed to pressures of my friend and husband. Agatha, before we started dating, I made it clear to this man that we won’t have sex until I am sure of his intentions but I later got to know he was only after my body so we broke up. But unknown to me, he was relaying everything we discussed to my friend and husband, including the ones I told him about them especially the bit about my friend’s husband trying to woo me through BB chat. I got to know all these when my friend called me to see her after close of work. I was shocked at the things she claimed the man said I told him. She was very angry about the one I said about her husband trying to woo me before their wedding. When it happened, I shared it with some friends who told me not to tell her anything about it. When she told me everything the man said I told him, I couldn’t defend myself against all the lies rather I just started weeping. That night I sent him very nasty text messages prompting my friend’s husband to call me the next day to warn me that I will be held responsible if anything should happen to his friend. My friend’s husband said there is no way his friend will cook up those things he claimed I told him if I didn’t say them. I felt bad because from what my friend’s husband was saying it was obvious they both set me up. God knows I have been a good friend to his wife. I know the reason for this, my refusal to have sex with him; a fact my friend claimed to be true since he made reference to that. What should I do? I am sad at the accusation that I want to snatch my friend’s husband. It is painful and humiliating. Tolulope. Dear Tolulope, Candidly, you were wrong to discuss your friend or her husband behind them. The fact that you even mentioned them to this man makes you liable. Since you made up your mind at the beginning not to discuss what transpired between you and your friend’s husband with this friend, you shouldn’t have raised it with a friend you met through them. Mentioning the incident to a man you weren’t sure of, a friend to the man who also tried to date you, was wrong. Being friends, there is no way, he would keep such information away from his friend. The fact that your friend’s husband tried to date you was enough reason to have totally declined the offer of friendship from his friend. The signs that they were both setting you up for the kill was there from the beginning but, you failed to notice. How can a man who also tried to date you willingly encourage you to date his close friend? At that point, your warning bells should have sounded the alarm. Next time, be careful of any kind of situation that will get you into trouble. Most people who hear their side of the story will conclude you were really jealous of your friend; enough to make a pass at her husband. And coming from the man the world knew you were in a relationship with, will certainly make the story appear to be true. The conclusions would be he left you when he found out that you are the kind of friend and woman not to be trusted. Only very few will believe your story that he is telling these tales out of pains and disappointment at your refusal to sleep with him. For the sake of your safety, desist from sending him or any of them text messages. Control your temper and be mindful of the kinds of threat messages you send to this man. With this kind of man, you have to be careful since you don’t know the extent he is likely to go in dealing with you. Men have been known to kill women for refusing to have sex with them. Anyway, the harm has been done. Move on with your life. You don’t have to prove anything to your friends; obviously their minds are made up about you and the more you try to clear your name, the messier, the matter becomes. The best thing in this kind of situation is for you to ignore them entirely. Stay away from her home, if she wants to continue your friendship, limit it to your school interactions and be careful, you don’t say anything to her. Wisdom demands you manage the situation for the sole purpose of protecting your image and reputation. Sincerely, you are the only one that can make the difference in this whole thing. If you adopt an attitude of ignoring whatever your friend says or how she reacts to you, by maintaining a dignified silence, it will soon blow over. You have nothing to prove at all if you are innocent; only the guilty try so hard to prove their innocence. As long as your mind is clear; that what you said was in good faith, let her attitude or conclusions about you not bother you. Knowing God as much as I do, He will eventually establish the truth. But until he does, keep your peace. Another thing you should do, especially if this friend of yours has the address of your boyfriend is to find ways of telling him about this incident. You really don’t have anything to lose but a lot to gain since you already doubt the future of this relationship. The reason you must come clean with the truth is, the likelihood of your friend getting to him with the lies before you even have a chance of telling him the truth. At any rate, if this happens, whatever you are trying to conceal now will have to be said by you. So why not tell him first? If he has the plans to come for you, this incident will hasten him to make plans for both of you to be together and if he doesn’t, you will know from his attitude; hence a clear picture of what you should do with your life. The truth is, you cannot go on like this. It is either you have a boyfriend with a solid plan for you or you have none therefore the need for you to go on with your life. This incident happened because you are not together and particularly as you are not sure of what he has in stock for you. As a young woman, your shelf-span has an expiry date. The reality on ground is, both of you haven’t been able to come with clear plans of the future. This is the time both of you should do some very honest, talk; not the kind that is keeping you in limbo of not knowing how to proceed from the point he left you. If you don’t tackle this outstanding issue with your boyfriend, you will continue to fall into this kind of mess with friends who overtime will either think you are an easy lay or out to steal their men. You cannot rule out the possibility of your friend discussing this issue with other female friends of your group. They may not say anything to you but, their attitude towards you whenever they are with their men will tell you what they think of you. If you have a man of your own, none of them will be bold enough to act rudely to you. Therefore, use the opportunity of this incident to address the future of your relationship with your foreign based boyfriend. Let him tell you what his plans are in plain English; in addition, he must take steps by informing and instructing his family members about your relationship. It might just be that this incident happened for the purpose of making you move beyond the point you have stationed yourself as a result of your association with your overseas boyfriend. Good luck.

I’m four months older

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have long wished to write you. I have been reading your articles on Independent Newspapers for some years now. I marvel at the way you handle issues maturely. I know it is God in you doing this great work. I am involved with a man I am older than by four months. We have discussed this issue and he says he’s got no problem with it. I also don’t. But I still want to know if age counts when it comes to love? What is your opinion about a lady getting married to a man she is older than? Miss E.C Dear E.C., There is nothing wrong in a younger man marrying an older woman as long as they are both comfortable with the arrangement and in love with each other. Age is a thing of the mind. Once one is able to wrap and keep it where it belongs, doesn’t allow it become too much of a factor in one’s life and calculations, it becomes a positive partner and not a negative one. Besides, four months age difference isn’t much of anything. However, the problems are; how you will manage the differences and how he perceives it after the early moments of you both falling in love. Often than not, the challenges for the men come after the novelty of falling in love wears off. As long as he doesn’t allow certain minor things that should matter bug his mind; like comparing you with all the other younger women he comes across, developing resentment against you for no just reason, develops a mature mind to act his role as the man rather than a young man, is also respectful of your feelings, then there is nothing to be afraid of. You on the other hand must appreciate that age or no age, he remains the head of the team. Therefore, you must never do anything to make him feel less than a man by giving him all the respect he deserves from you. Don’t ever make the mistake of discussing his age with any of your friends or family members to protect his dignity as the man. Mischievous friends and family members, acting on the information may decide to treat him with disdain, mock him and question his motive for going into a relationship with you. Pretending to be on a mission to protect your interest, some friends can really mess things up behind you. This is why you should never trust friends with the age of a man you are older than. Some would wonder and call your motive desperation so be careful on all fronts. You also have to learn to be submissive; more than a woman who married an older man. The reason for this is, the older man doesn’t have the insecurity of the younger man married to an older woman. What an older man will gloss over, the younger man may impute another reason all together to it. Although maturity has nothing to do with age, the influence of his friends on his reasoning should not be ignored by you. Not all men have the ability to keep certain things about their women to themselves. Once the word is out that you may be older than he is, certain friends of his will never let go of the opportunity of rubbing it in. Also learn to dress smart and accentuate your best features; it will help keep his mind focused on you. Importantly, keep communication constant between the two of you. at all times you should know what and how he feels about you. Managing age related issue in a marriage is like managing a temper. You must constantly work on the likely situations that might emanate from your age differences from time to time. Work yourself to become his best friend. This you must begin from the early stage of your relationship because of the peculiarity of your relationship; by being his best friend, you give your marriage an additional reason to strive better than most. It will also keep other busybodies out of your relationship. Above all, stop worrying about it as you can easily become paranoid about it, which will make you extremely apprehensive of any young woman around him. The only way to avoid this is to be confident in your love for each other, in yourself as well as trust in his person and credibility. Don’t ever make the mistake of doubting his love for you. The moment you do that, you weaken the foundation of your relationship. Always entrust everything to God first. Good luck