I haven’t been able to move forward after 12 years

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Although, I am currently 27 years of age, I feel really helpless to admit that after 12 years my boyfriend and I parted ways; I have been unable to forget him. He is my first love. We were classmates and were always quarrelling. To those around us, our quarrels appeared fundamental but deep inside of us, we knew we were only being silly. I actually got to know the strength of his feelings for me through his friends. Till date, I still cherish the moment I heard how much he loved me. But being from a conservative religious family, I was scared of the consequences if my family got to find out about my relationship with any man so I openly snapped at him and said I don’t love him at all. I was deeply hurt but I pretended not to be. My reaction was the same when he attempted it again. My last day in school, I left without saying goodbye. But, ever since, I have been unable to forget him, can’t think of anybody else other than this man. Even after all these years, his memories still bring butterflies into my stomach. Recently, I managed to find him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted it and wanted us to meet online. Then all of a sudden, he blocked me. It’s really killing me. All these years I have tried to get over him; turned down the interests of others because in him I found a soulmate; each day I get more depressed just thinking about him. All I want to do is to declare my feelings then and now for him. I will accept it if he says to me it is over. But, after all these years, he came back and just shut out me out of his life; this is what is hurting me so much. Please advice me. Bhadra.

Must a woman reach orgasm to be pregnant?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Is it true that a couple must reach orgasm for the woman to get pregnant? I have never experienced orgasm and I am trying to get pregnant. Joyce. Dear Joyce, It isn’t true. Orgasm is only a function of the quality of sex between a couple and plays no role in the ability of reproduction of the woman. Once sperm gets into a virgina, it will always find its way to target once it is the right time of the month. If you are trying to get pregnant and you are not achieving results the first place to go is to see your doctor to examine you for any possible medical condition preventing you from getting pregnant. A number of factors could be responsible for a woman’s inability to get pregnant. In addition, the fault could come from your husband’s sperm quality. The fact that a man is secreting what looks like sperm doesn’t mean he is producing quality sperm that can make a baby. Some men have very poor quality sperm or very low sperm count. This means as a couple you and your man must first clear the medical hurdle; once certified fit to make babies you can both begin to consider other reasons you are not taking in. For instance, you may both be making love on the wrong days of the month, hence the need for you to know more about your body, the high and low days. To get it right, you must know how many days cycles you are. It would help you calculate your safe and unsafe days. The time you are at higher risk of getting pregnant, known as your ovulation days and when you are least likely to get pregnant. Apart from calculating your cycle from the second day of your menses, your body temperature too can forecast your safe and unsafe days. It is a matter of knowing your body intimately, knowing when your body temperature is higher, knowing when you are secreting that slimy fluid and the pap like substance. It is for you to know the information your body is passing to you. When the slimy secretion comes it means you are at your peak of getting pregnant, while the pap like secretion means you are not likely to get pregnant. Read up articles on ovulation, the different kinds of discharges women have and what they are saying about the condition of the woman’s reproductive ability. If you don’t know how to go about it, go to the family planning department in the hospitals. You will be educated on safe and unsafe days. Don’t allow your destiny to be influenced by misinformation that has no basis to real life situation. As long as you aren’t shy to ask questions and from those who know, you will always get the right answers to your challenge. Good luck.

I get easily erected in the presence of girls

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, You are doing a great job educating people on various topics. I just pray God rewards you here on earth. I am a shy boy of 18 years of age and have this problem of unwarranted erection most especially when I am in the company of girls. It happens without me thinking of anything. Most times it tries to embarrass me, I usually find excuses to leave their company immediately. This has been going on for quite sometime now and I really don’t have an explanation for this. Dominic. Dear Dominic, At 18 what you are going through is normal. It shows you are healthy but that you are yet to master the act of self-control. This is important. Unlike the women whose genitals are concealed in her body, that of the man is exposed and easily broadcast the man’s state of mind when in company of women. It isn’t socially healthy for you to go about exhibiting your object of desire each time you are with a woman. When the urges are coming think of something not so palatable, something to help take your mind off the woman in front of you and deflate your balloons from blowing up. The fact that you are having those erections shows that you are thinking of sex. It may not be a conscious thing but deep in your sub-consciousness, you feel like ripping the clothes off her. There must be something that goes on in your mind anytime you are with a woman to bring on that kind of physical response from your body. Your erection is a manifestation of the direction and quality of your thoughts when you are with these girls. By learning to be truthful to yourself, you will be able to fight the challenge more effectively. Good luck.

My daughter is stubborn, unruly

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I want to start by appreciating you. It is always a pleasure to read you. Your serialisation of the marriage issue you treated in November is a collector’s item. I look forward to when you would decide to turn it into a book. I am 55 years of age. My first daughter is married to one of the most gentle men I have ever met. But my daughter is a very stubborn and unruly lady. Right from her younger days, she has always been wayward. There is nothing I haven’t done to make her change but she has remained the way she is. Sometimes, I can’t help thinking she is my nemesis. I had her when I was 19 from my first affair. My mother wanted me to abort the pregnancy but young as I was, I insisted I wanted to keep it. Looking back at the many things she has done to me, I sometimes wish I had listened to my mother. I am not proud to say this but she has done things beyond my comprehension. I have never stopped praying for her. Her other siblings keep their distance from her because of her behaviour. When she brought this man home, as the man she desired to marry, I couldn’t stop thanking God because of the nature of this man. Like every other mother, I called my daughter aside to plead with her not to allow this man out of her life; that God brought him to change her life for the better. I also called the man aside to plead with him to always tolerate his wife and that he must be more than a husband to her. I explained to him that she needed a father figure. Their wedding day was my happiest day. She was so beautiful; I wept for joy. Two years down the road, I don’t know what to do with her anymore. The husband is tired of her. Can you imagine she would leave her baby and go partying with friends, come back home drunk? She has also been linked with several men. I have done my best to shield her from the wrath of her husband but she has persisted. Now she is accusing me of being her problem; that I am the one feeding her husband with false information about her; I am so confused at this. Really I don’t know what to do about her. Since she is always leaving the baby for her husband, he has expressed a desire for me to keep the baby with me since he doesn’t want his family to know what is happening. I don’t want more problems with my daughter by offering to take the baby but if I don’t, she will lose her home because I am aware of the pressures my son-in-law is facing from his family. Please what do I do? Do I damn my child and take the baby off her or distant myself from this whole mess? Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, Refuse to be blackmailed by your daughter. There is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her child. If your taking the child will allow for peace in her home, preserve her marriage and give her husband a reason to always come back home, ignore your daughter. Make the success of her home your priority; by the time she gets to that point every woman gets to know and realises that she needs her home and family more than anything else, she will be grateful for the positive roles you played in the preservation of her home. Because she still considers herself hot and attractive, she will do anything in her power to frustrate you so that she can continue to live her life the way she deems fit. You have to be careful she doesn’t use you as the reason for the collapse of her marriage. This is why you must stand your ground and do what you consider to be right always irrespective of what she thinks of your concern for her. While you continue to arbitrate in her marriage, you must also find ways of talking to her. In a way, your inability to get through to her maybe the reason she is living her life the way she likes. Weaning a child of his or her bad ways takes more than scolding. You have to show her love and understanding by coming down to her level. You need to talk to her as a friend. Having her at 19, may have affected the way you relate with her. Sometimes it isn’t the things we say that end up being the problems in our lives but those things we refuse to say. If you have always acted as if she is a burden, never finding that time to treat her as a special child, there is no way she will ever be an ideal child to you. Somehow, she may have escaped with the notion that you don’t like her being a child of circumstance. Her behaviour is her way of crying out to you to help her by giving her attention. It is time you sat your daughter down for that important mother and daughter talk. Open up to her about her paternity; if she hasn’t met her father, please take the steps. It is important else she will never be the kind of daughter you want her to be. She has to know who her father and family is. She can never have the peace of mind or the kind of respect you deserve as a mother. She needs you as her friend to move beyond this stage of rebellion to other things. Chances are she is also rebelling against her husband because of his closeness to you. Unless you do the unusual, you will lose her forever and in a way destroy her home. It is time to revisit your past; at her age, she will understand whatever you have to say concerning your relationship with her father as well as the decisions you took. It will also help to know that you had a choice to abort her and that your mother actually suggested it to protect you but that you insisted on having her because you loved her from the beginning. The essence of telling this story is to help her realise the kind of sacrifice you made for her even before she was born. Also, explain your closeness to her husband and the reason you appear to always be on his side. Appreciating that your interest doesn’t go beyond that of being a mother, will help her calm down. Furthermore, reconcile your children; although you didn’t say what kinds of things happened between her and her siblings, you must overcome your pains by bringing all of them together. Being the only one of a different father, she needs your love and support to properly integrate into the family. You are the only one that has the authority to bring your children together. And please don’t allow her behaviour stop you from praying for her. Battles of this nature are won on bent knees and not by fighting or getting angry. She may not know it now but, she needs you more than she realises. Call her and her husband for a detailed discussion on the challenges of marriage and how their imperfection can end up being their strength. Also make it clear, you are taking the child for now to enable both of them get their acts together. Good luck.

Who do I settle for among these women?

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been facing a lot of confusion concerning my life. I have been in a relationship with this lady for years now. Before we added a year to our relationship, we had a problem that led me into a messy relationship with another lady. I call it a stupid mess because I am not benefiting from it. Instead, it is draining my pocket, which is making me lose concentration at school and at work. Currently, I am between two ladies and don’t know whom to settle for. The second lady deflowered me. My feeling for the first lady is pure and clean, devoid of sex while my feeling for the second lady is woven around the aroma of sex being my instructor. I always call on her whenever I feel like having sex. Because of this, I don’t know who to give the marching orders out of these two women. Please help me make the right choice. PA. Dear PA, The choice before you is that of what is most important to you in life and subsequently in that woman who would give support to your dreams in life. Sex is what everywoman can give a man. Even if she lacks the kind of experience you find in another woman, if you worth your salt as a man, you can teach the woman in your life how to please you in bed. But peace of mind is only what a few women can give their men. Every couple has the ability to patent its sex in such a way to give pleasure forever. It is just a matter of imagination, honesty and pure sense of adventure. This is however different when it has to do with attitude and character. These are what make sex between couples different from what they have experienced with causal friends. Sex has its own power of communication and the value of this aspect of sex can only be enhanced when the relationship is enveloped in friendship. This is what gives it a different kind of flavour. Therefore, you need more than desire to enjoy sex. What is happening between you and this lady is raw want, especially as you are experiencing sex for the first time. The thrill of a woman’s body is what is influencing you right now and the only power of communication you and this woman have unlike your first relationship where you both have mastered the act of communication that comes from pure friendship. What you should do now is get out for a little while. You need time on your own to revalue your relationship with both women. Revisit the reason for your disagreement with your first girlfriend. What led to it? Why did you jump immediately into another relationship? First take a deep look at your relationship with your first girlfriend. Are there areas you think she is lacking? In what way are you also contributing to the problem? Just like it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to destroy something beautiful. At this crucial point, you need to be very honest with yourself to avoid regrets later in life. Take retrospective look at your relationship with the first lady. In all your months together, how much impact and changes has brought into your life? If you were to live without her, what would you miss most about her? Do you think, deep down, this other woman would be able to give you the kind of happiness she gives you outside sex? By keeping in view your dreams in life and x-raying your relationships with these women, you give yourself the chance of knowing whom to settle for. The woman must have the ability to awaken in you a desire to excel through her unconditional support, patience, loyalty, friendship, respectful, tolerance, prayerful and understanding. Any woman who isn’t patient, lacks the selflessness to make a relationship work, isn’t prepared to tolerate the expected ups and downs would not have the kind of sensitivity needed to propel a man to attain his best in life. A man needs more than a bedmate; he needs a friend to always come home to. One who will always understand that it takes more in life to make a dream come true and is forever on her knees praying for her family to succeed and who has the right kind of respect to cope even when tempers are high. As man, you must look out for that woman who has the ability to cope when you are not around or when things are not going well. She must be a reservoir of strength for those dry days as well as the willingness to give her best to make her man and family happy. Only a woman, who has mother qualities in her, can make things happen for her man and home. But one who strives solely in sex cannot be trusted to withstand those bad times we all experience sometime in our relationships. Therefore, be careful you don’t throw away gold and settle for dust. Do ask God for His guidance in all these. Good luck.

I love her but I am shy to tell her

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this lady I am so much in love with. But I am afraid of approaching her because she is one of the big babes in our estate. She lives alone in a two bedroom flat and has a good car. She is friendly but I don’t know how she will react to my offer of friendship. She is responsible because for the six months I have become observant of her, I noticed she isn’t the kind that has so many friends, both males and females. Despite what appears to be her good nature, I don’t want to be messed up by her. I am a bachelor with a very good job in a telecommunication company but I am very shy. I broke up with my girlfriend a year ago and since then, I have stayed off women until I started to notice her. Despite not being close to her but from observations, she comes close to my kind of woman. Could you please offer me any helpful hints on how to go about it? Shall be very grateful if you can help me. Lekan. Dear Lekan, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Every step in life is laced with risk, failure and success. And there is no getting to the success part without surmounting the risks involved. It isn’t as if you are planning to flea on her; you also have a good job. So why should she mess you up? It would have been a different ball game if you didn’t have a job. The worst that can happen is to turn down your request. Beyond turning down your request, there is nothing else she can do. As a man, you should be used to women turning you down. It is in the nature of women, especially the young ones to first make a man work hard for their hearts. If she turns you down the first day, don’t give up. Besides, you aren’t going to tell her that you are in love with her on your first day. To do that is to seal the fate of whatever relationship you hope to establish with her. Not every woman loves to be told by a man she is meeting for the first time that he is in love with her. Such men sound hollow and dishonest. No matter how shy you are, complimenting a woman on her looks shouldn’t be too difficult. The tricky part of it for shy men is when they try to over impress a woman. A simple smile to her is enough to establish recognition and begin a kind of friendship. Since you appear to know so much about her, the next time you see her driving out or going out of her compound, position yourself in such a way she will notice your friendly face and even a little wave. She may look through you the first time, pretending not to notice what you are getting at but by the time she sees you the next time, she will reciprocate your smile. Once you gain her attention, stick to general topics for the first few meetings; this will not only make her more relaxed with you but also curious about you. The more she unpeels the layers of mystery surrounding you, chances are she will come to love you the way you have come to appreciate her, as long as you are able to relate as friends, all the other things will fall into place. Good luck.

He raped me and now he wants to marry me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I was raped by one of our neighbour’s brothers. It was the first time for me. I felt very bad but I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want the matter to go beyond the two of us. On that day, I had gone into the bathroom in the afternoon when the whole compound was empty to take my bath. I didn’t know he was at home. The next thing I knew was someone forcing his way into the bathroom when I had soap on my face. He overpowered me and had his way with me. Although he later apologized but the harm had been done. My virginity was gone. As a result of the incident, the man I was going to marry left me to marry another woman. It was painful but I surrendered everything to God. My parents were very disappointed; there was nothing they didn’t say; my ex branded me a woman of easy virtue. Although the boy relocated the day after the incident, I left a week after to stay with a friend of mine. From there I picked up the pieces of my life again. I was lucky to get a very good job but my heart refused to heal. Another man I dated also disappointed me and at the point I was contemplating staying off men, the man who raped him came knocking on my door. From the look of him, he was doing very well. I thought he missed his way and was about closing the door against him when he said he came to apologise for what he did to me on that day. Don’t minding if we had an audience, he went on his knees to beg me right in front of my door. I had no choice but to allow him come in. he said he hadn’t had peace of mind since the incident. Despite telling him that I have forgiven him, he and his family members want us to get married. he said it is the only way I can show my forgiveness for him. He has been disturbing me since January this year, begging and asking me to marry him. Between you and I; I have fallen in love with him but just don’t know how to forgive him for what he did to me three years ago. Please help me understand what I should do and how to go about this situation. Docas. Dear Docas, If you are in love with him, you just have to find it in your heart to forgive this man in order to move away from the pains of the past. Doubtless, he wronged you in the worst way any man can hurt a woman. But what would you have done if he didn’t come back to beg? After all, you didn’t do anything all these years, couldn’t even tell your family what happened to you or the identity of the man who made your fiancé leave you. Therefore to continue to hold on to the memory of what he didn’t to you is to deny yourself the chance to be happy in life. It would have been a different case if you had been able to move ahead of these years. The fact that you haven’t been able to sustain a relationship three years after that incident is indicative of your emotional state at what happened. Having him back will not only help you put things in their proper perspective but free you from the damaging emotions of un-forgiveness. For one to enjoy mercy, one must learn to let go. This is one of the classic situations when God’s way defies understanding; when the reason we fall in love is inexplicable. Ordinarily, you should hate this man, vow never ever to see him again and if possible, hand him over to the Police for violating you; but here you are falling in love with him. It sounds crazy but love has been known to happen in such circumstances. The fact that you didn’t squeal on him, make trouble with whosoever he was staying with or announce his nature to the world means that when you thought you were hurting, hating him, something stronger was happening to you. Your memory had refused to let go of the pleasure in your pains. This is why you couldn’t execute any meaningful relationship since the incident. Chances are even if your boyfriend then had married you, deep inside your subconscious, you would have held memories of this man: granted that you might not be able to define what precisely these feelings meant but overtime There are two things at stake here: it is either you turn your back on your love for him or give in to the desires of your heart. There is no venture without risk. But, the risk of not following the desires of one’s heart often than not, is the most traumatic and one that carries with it a lifetime of regrets. Rather than make things more difficult for both of you, why not sit him down to ask questions? For instance, why did he rape you and why is he so determined to marry you? Yours is a rather peculiar case. Not only did he come back but wants to marry you. Certainly there is a story behind this. Hearing the story will make a lot of things clearer to you which in turn will give you a better understanding into that very sad incident of three years ago. Besides, you have fallen in love with him; meaning you no man will ever be able to make you happy. Surely, this is something you cannot continue to ignore even if you hate the assault on your body. Even if you close the eyes to whatever explanations he has to give on why he did what he did as well as his reasons for wanting you permanently in his life, you cannot deny what you feel. Love is too powerful a chemistry to ignore. You can only resist it temporarily. Eventually you will have to do something about it and the earlier you made up your mind, the better for you. Don’t forget that age doesn’t wait for anybody and the often ignored issue in situations like this, that this man has a choice. There is the danger of another woman snatching him from you should you continue to dilly-dally on this issue. Particularly as there is no undoing that incident of the past. No matter how you desire it, punish him, he cannot return your broken seal. It is a done deal. And since you failed to take any legal steps against him then, you must move on. besides, if your former fiancé actually loved you, he wouldn’t have left you on the basis of you losing your virginity. It showed he was more interested in your body than your well being. A man who has more than passing interest in a woman, doesn’t limit his decision to one mistake. So, in a way, you and that man were never meant to be. You would never have been completely happy with your ex. Though no woman prays to be violated, the reason for certain developments in our lives cannot be explained. Because only God has the knowledge of all our tomorrows, go to Him in prayers. Tell this man to give you time to pray and ask for help. It is obvious that you need more than the assurances of your feelings to move on. Thereafter, give you and him the opportunity to know each other, to discover if you two have what it takes to be a happy couple. Talking to God will make it easier for you to forgive him completely from the heart since He is one who never gets tired of forgiving His children. From experience, your kind of story and situation are what solid relationships and marriages are made of. Having hurt you so deeply ones, he would never want to do anything that will hurt you again. This is because a man can only hurt a woman this deep once in her lifetime. There is nothing this man can do to you that will be as deep as raping you. Trust in love and your heart. Good luck

He doesn’t want me anymore

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I live with my boyfriend whom I love dearly and one I don’t want to lose. Recently, he stopped making love to me saying he doesn’t feel me anymore. But we still sleep on the same bed which is very hard for me because I get horny and want him to fulfill my sexual desires. How can I make him have sex with me again because I don’t want any other man? I don’t understand how he can resist me while most men say I am beautiful and sexy, which is true. Sexy Lady. Dear Sexy Lady, I smell certain measure of arrogance in your attitude; and this maybe the problem in your relationship with this man. You are not doing this man a favor by sleeping with him. You are the one whose value is diminishing because a man has nothing to lose by the number of women he sleeps with. While a man can announce to the world the number of women he has slept with, no woman, no matter how permissive the society has become will have the boldness to put a figure to the number of men she has slept with. It will also do you a world of good to appreciate that a woman’s beauty and appeal don’t last forever especially if she isn’t the careful one. A woman’s true beauty lies within her; in the choices she makes in life as well as her determination to elevate the right virtues of her unique positions of being a woman, wife and mother. If sex is all that interest you in your destiny, then you are denying the wholesome pleasures that come from the diverse roles women play in the society, home and life of her family. A valuable woman is one who can multi-task, be a little of everything not the one who selects just one role and stays on it. Sex is good but if that is all you are good at, no man wants a woman that is every man’s darling in the bedroom. There is more to life and relationship, than sex. A woman must be able to deposit something extraordinarily positive in the life of her man to remain relevant in his life. If all you care about is sex, of what use are you to this man as a woman? Sex is something a man can get anywhere; and sometimes of a better quality and pleasure. Besides, if really pressed for it, he can pay someone for the pleasure. It is that cheap and certainly not criteria any man would push forward in his choice of a woman to spend the rest of his life with. While a man can teach a woman to give him good and quality lovemaking, he cannot teach her how to be a good, responsible and worthy woman. These are qualities a woman must have to sustain the interest of the man in her life. There is no way a relationship based on sex alone will last because no man can live on sex alone. Granted your beauty and sex appeal can attract the interest of men but these are things that don’t last. These same men will soon lose interest in your person when they find out that you have nothing else to offer them. This precisely is what the attitude of your boyfriend is telling you; that, he is tired of a woman who has nothing to offer him beyond the pleasure of her body. Since you don’t want to lose him, get serious about your life and priority. All those men you think desire you today, will one day look through those things you think are important to you because right beside you, is another young lady with better sex appeal. To get him back, sit down to take stock of your relationship since you started. Also, take into account your own attitude towards life, the things you play up as being more important to you as a woman. Then ask yourself this vital question as truthfully as you can; if you were a man, would you stay with the kind of woman you come up with? There is no way this man would turn cold on you if you know other secrets about him; for instance, as the woman who warms his bed, how far have you been able to read his other needs? For instance, do you know the kind of foods that excite him the most? Many a time, women, generally feed the men in their lives with convenient foods without pausing to think if the man likes what he is eating. As a woman, you should endeavor to make yourself so relevant in your man’s life that it would be impossible for any other woman to steal him from you. To get him interested in you again, learn to pamper him because he is really your first child. Every tribe has a peculiar meal; go and learn how to make his native meal. Forget the rice and stew story most of them give; there is always something special about a man’s native soup that makes a huge impact in his subconscious. Even if you don’t have anybody to teach you, why not learn; get a friend whose passion is cooking to teach you how to cook real food, assorted native soups as well as good vegetable soups to make him want to come back home anytime he is out of the house. You also have to teach yourself how to clean the house and keep your environment clean. For instance, how often do you change the bed-sheets you both sleep on and make love? How clean and organized is the room you both sleep in? How observant are you of his moods? A good woman must be able to read the moods of her man, knowing when to push the agenda of sex and when to back off. For example, you don’t even know what issues are bothering your man. All you care about is the fact that he isn’t having sex with you whereas, he could be going through serious challenges that make sex the last thing on his mind. Your place as the woman in his life is to find out and offer him whatever assistance you can. This will make him appreciate your feelings for him and also tell him that he isn’t just a man that satisfies only your sexual needs but one you care so much about. Just like you won’t want any man to value your body more than your happiness, men also don’t appreciate a woman who limits all her interest in them to his sexual performance. This man outside the bedroom has needs, dreams, emotions and disappointments. Without the right frame of mind, there is no way he can perform in the bedroom. The total summation of his well being is etched on his happiness and fulfillment as a man. If you learn to think less of yourself, you might just discover that his disinterest in sex has nothing to do with you but with himself and his business. Develop the habit of constant communication. There is no moving a relationship forward without knowing how to discuss your challenges. Both of you must be ready to talk, listen to each other and take a joint decision that will grow a better understanding between the two of you. This is important and one of the secrets that sustains a relationship. Once a man and woman are able to overcome the issue of keeping secrets from each other, appreciate the essence of exchanging information, they develop a bond nothing can penetrate because they have become not just lovers but good friends as well. Even if the love side of their relationship has problems, their friendship side will step forward to save the relationship from collapsing. Often than not, this is the ingredient that helps difficult relationships to survive the storm. No matter how compatible a couple is in bed, if unable to sustain a relationship outside the confines of the bedroom, sex becomes a mere function, an animalistic urge lacking in power to patch up leaks in the wall of the relationship. Therefore, you need to find ways of getting through to the inner person; to help you find a better understanding into the direction your relationship with him is headed. This relationship needs more seriousness on your part as well as a clear cut idea because vision drives one’s dreams. So rather than concentrate on the mundane issue of sex, look into the more serious issues of his well being and happiness. Once you deal with the issues making him unhappy, it will be easier for you to get him to cheer up in the bedroom. Good luck.

He’s nice, but too old for my liking

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am 20 years of age and reside in Abuja. Before I gained admission into school, I was working and met this man who declared his love for me. He is actually responsible for my care and stay in school. But the problem is I don’t love him at all, already he is talking about marriage. He is 38 years of age. I don’t know what to do because I am in love with a guy who is 24 years old. Please tell me what to do, as I cannot displease myself to please him. Anonymous. Dear Anonymous, You cannot displease yourself yet you are willing to make him displease himself by paying your schools fees as well as picking your other bills? If you know you have a boyfriend you are in love with, why are you making this man take on your responsibilities and investing his time and emotions on you? Why haven’t you told him to go his way; that you don’t share in the kind of dreams he has for both of you? Why are you accepting all the attention, support and care from him when your mind is given to another man? And do you even know the meaning of love? If you actually claim to love your boyfriend, what kind of sacrifices are you willing to make for the sake of the love? Love comes with so much sacrifice. You should be willing to endure discomfort for the sake of love. If you don’t teach yourself now to endure certain situations, when would you learn to do it? What you are doing now is eating and having your cake. You want the comfort the money of the other man can give you and at the same time you want the thrills of the company of your youngish boyfriend. Life doesn’t work like that. Something must give way to something for a wholesome life. What you are doing isn’t right at all. Even though you haven’t said it in explicit terms, you don’t want him because you consider him deep in your heart to be too old for you. You don’t love him because you think he lacks the excitement your current boyfriend is giving you. Sincerely, what you are doing is akin to defrauding the man of his hard earned money and that could actually spell doom for you later in the future. This is because this man is doing this on the understanding you will become his wife. This is a fact you are aware of. He is training you in the university as his wife, to better your lot in life and to take away some pressures from him later in future. At 38, he is under the impression he has reached his final bus stop, hence is holding nothing back to ensure you don’t lack anything. It would therefore hurt him beyond measure when you finally tell him that all his investment, both financially, emotionally, materially, spiritually are in vain. By then you would not only be hurting him physically but spiritually as well. And this is where the problem usually comes in situations like you have created for yourself. Although so many women think there is really nothing to it and often laugh or scoff at the ideal of a spiritual angle to these issues. The fact remains that the spiritual implications are more often than not very disastrous for a woman who intentionally leads a man astray knowing fully well that she would never marry him. It is always better not to begin something you cannot finish, refuse the sponsorship of a man you are not ready to marry. To forestall any future pains and plenty of regrets later in life, do yourself a world of good by coming out with the truth concerning your feelings or plans. Let him know now that you cannot marry him because you don’t feel the same thing he feels for you. The worst that can happen is that you would lose his sponsorship and care. It isn’t right for you to allow one man to train you only for you to marry another. If you truly love your boyfriend and believe in his person, you won’t disrespect him by allowing another man to train you. Besides, have you thought of the implication on your relationship if this boyfriend of yours finds out that you are involved with another man 14 years his senior in age? You are just as capable of losing the trust and love of this young man in the same way you would the care, attention and support of the older man. Whatever happens, please tell him the truth. Make the choice today before it’s too late for you to redeem your image as well as protect yourself against the backlash of what you are doing. Learn to be honest with yourself, it is the only way you can live life without hassles. Good luck.

How do I tell my wife her friend has a son for me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My wife and I haven’t been able to conceive since we got married seven years ago. There is no kind of treatment we haven’t done or place for solutions we have not visited to solve our problems. Just mention it and we will be there or taking the treatment. All the results point at her as the one with the 50-50 chance; I have no fault but having made a vow to her, I can’t abandon her. Besides, she is not completely without hope of conceiving which is why I haven’t discussed the option of adopting a child. Sometimes, she gets very depressed about it and expresses the fear that I would one day look for children from another woman like my mother has been suggesting. Her fear is entrenched in the knowledge that I am the only son of my mother. Despite these pressures from my family, I have however stood behind my wife because she is a good wife and I love her very much. I have also tried to behave but I sometimes fail especially when I am outside Lagos. Apart from respect for my wife, she has a very bad temper and is generally insecure as a result of her condition. In all my strays, I have often cautioned myself, putting the safety of my wife above every other consideration. I go armed with my own packets of condoms if I have to. However, I have a situation on my hands now that I don’t know how to handle. While my wife and I were still dating, almost close to the time we got married, I had a brief affair with one of her friends. This lady was compellingly attractive. I couldn’t resist her. It was very brief but intense. At the end, she actually broke up the affair and disappeared to the North. Nobody had any inkling to where she went to in the North. We all actually thought she was dead as nobody heard from her all these years. You can therefore imagine my surprise when she surfaced at my office with a young boy. Even if I try to deny the obvious, this child looks like me. From the moment she walked into my office, I didn’t need her to tell me the motive of her visit; the young man’s features told its own story. But I allowed her to tell me what she came to do. She said, she didn’t know about the pregnancy until it was too late. That the pregnancy wasn’t even supposed to happen because a previous abortion attempt damaged her womb as doctors told her. By the time she knew, aborting the baby was out of it. She said she didn’t contact me because she wanted the baby all to herself but the child is daily making life difficult for her over his demands to see his father. Besides, the man she eventually got married to has asked her to return the child to his father. She has another son for the man. After introducing me to my son, she announced she was going back without him. I immediately contacted my mother who came to pick the child from the office. That was three months ago. The child stays with my mother. I want to know and live with my son but don’t how to tell my wife about the child. My sisters, mother and a few of my friends in the know insist I tell her before she finds out from elsewhere. The issue is, I don’t know how to present the matter. I know my wife; she is capable of anything when angry. This is what I fear the most. She could harm me and herself. The fact too that the woman involved is her one time friend will make her more deadly to handle. In the last couple of years, her insecurity has given rise to her bouts of temper. How do I get around this problem? When is the right time to tell her? I am so confused. Do I allow her to find out on her own or hide the existence of this child from her until in later years? Tade. Dear Tade, When will she not find out about the child? Whether she finds out now or later in life, the fact remains that she will one day discover you have a love child outside your marriage. The outcome will still be the same; she will feel bad at the knowledge that another woman succeeded where she couldn’t. By then, the issue will shift from you having a child to you deliberately hoarding information about the child to mock her situation. As it is now, the child isn’t a result of an affair you had after marriage but the one you had before marrying her. Even though you had it with her friend, at least, the conception of this child wasn’t as a result of the situation you are having with her. The presence of this child is an accident that happened long before the challenge in your marriage reared its head. Though in a way, you wronged her by sleeping with her friend, it is imperative she understands that you had nothing to do with the decision to keep the child or his existence for that matter until his mother brought him to your office. Even if you wanted to, there is no way you can turn your back on the child; it is too late in the day since the issue has gone beyond what you want to what is practicable. The existence of the child can no longer be wished away. Faith has sealed that and only a man headed for destruction wrestles with his destiny. However, for the reasons you have explained, don’t be alone when you break the news to her. There is the need for you to involve her family members in this whole thing. Exclude your family members from it all because with them in the audience, she will never have the presence of mind to hear you out. Rather than make things better, it will only complicate things for you due to the huge misunderstanding between them and her over the issue of her inability to give you a child. Besides, the idea that your people would silently, be celebrating the vindication of their opposition to her; would make her support difficult to obtain on this matter. No woman enjoys being shown the failure of her womanhood in the presence of her perceived enemies. So preclude your family members from this initial discussion. The presence of her family members will no doubt water down the intensity of her reactions. They are in the best position to explain to her that you didn’t go outside your marriage, had no knowledge of the kind of challenges that awaited you in the marriage when you dated the mother of this child. Besides, hearing it from you will make it easier for her to tolerate. If she hears it first from other sources, she may not be ready to hear anything from you or she could go to the extreme of hurting herself terribly. After explaining the sequence of how the thing happened, beg her for forgiveness as well as an assurance that you will never leave her. For now, don’t bring the child home. Give her time to heal and adjust to this new knowledge of a step-son. But if after a year, she still refuses to allow you bring the child home, go ahead and bring him in, even if it is only during weekends initially. Don’t worry, your marriage will survive and become stronger after this. Every marriage has a storm to contend with from time to time. Good luck.

He is still unsure of what he wants after 12 years

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I’m a lady of 28 years of age. My fiancé and I have been dating for more than 12 years now. He is the last born and only man of the family. Both families supported the relationship until 2008 when his mother died. It was after the death of his mother that they got to know that he built a house in our names. All his sisters condemned him for including my name in such an important project. They all wondered why he did that considering the fact that we are both not yet married. In their reasoning, it shows that I will prevent them from having unhindered access to their brother and his property when we eventually marry. We are still on the matter. Agatha, I am surprised because this is a man who has done so much for his father and sisters to establish them and make them independent of him. Painfully, my fiancé is weakening my position in his life and family by his attitude. One of the reasons they are giving for opposing his decision to include my name in the house documents has to do with the other ladies he has also introduced to the family. There is this one in particular, I have noticed around him for two years. When I confronted him, he had the grace to admit having a relationship with her. As a matter of fact, he confessed to being in love with the lady just as he is with me. His sisters have decided he should marry this other lady. According to the sister, what pains her about the whole development is the pregnancy my boyfriend asked the other lady to terminate. There is another lady who is always calling me on the phone to insult me. When I complained to my boyfriend, he apologised on her behalf. According to his sisters, they would prefer he remains single rather than marry me. Although I have indicated my interest to terminate the relationship, he is unwilling to let go of me just as he is also determined to hold on to the other lady. The lady is a northerner while we are both come from the western part of the country. Please, Agatha advise me on what to do because I have told him off. But he keeps saying, I shall surely come back to him even if out of anger I marry another man. I can’t explain it all. Worried Fiancée. Dear Worried Fiancée, The issue goes beyond what he wants to what you want. This is a man you have dated for 12 years. What prevented both of you from making your relationship permanent? It couldn’t have been due to lack of money so why did you both wait for this long? What were the issues you were both having in the relationship until things got to this point? Has he always had women in his life all these years? If not, at what point did he change? For him to have added your name to the documents of his house shows his feelings for you are real and that he has sufficient trust in your person. However his insistence on having the other woman too in his life along side you indicates that he may not be the kind of man that is satisfied with having one woman in his life. To be able to understand him, you must be objective about your relationship with him as well as his flaws and yours. Who is this man you have dated for 12 years? What are his plans for himself, his idea of marriage and his major concern in life? Having been with him for these number of years, you more than any of these women is in a better position to describe him. What has kept both of you together all these years? Would you describe him as a womaniser? Do you think he would ever let go of the other woman once his mind is made up about her? Since you appear unwilling too to go, do you see yourself agreeing to marry him irrespective of his other women? Do you see him being able to offer you the kind of protection you need against the hostility of his family members? Is the issue of the name on the documents the only reason his family is now against you? Why is the death of his mother affecting your relationship with him? Have you ever been pregnant for him before? Has he insisted you get pregnant for him? If you had, why did you terminate the pregnancy (ies)? Were the decision to terminate his or yours? And if you have never been pregnant, do you think this could be the reason he is insisting on marrying another woman? Why does his sisters prefer the other girl to you? Have you in the course of your relationship with him given his family the impression that without you nobody can have access to him? Your problem with him could also be that you have both outgrown your relationship. If you are 28, you obviously started dating him when you were merely 16 years of age. At that time, you didn’t know what you were going into. Besides your dream and interests then were of a different kind, not the kind you have with him now. Chances are both of you may have grown apart in ideas, feelings and dreams even though you have been able to keep the relationship going. Having become too familiar with yourselves, the relationship may have reached a peak you cannot move it forward for lack of ideas on what to do. This challenge, if properly handled, could help you in particular know your area of strength and weakness. Unless you develop the thirst to move it forward, it could all collapse like pack of cards. To get this right, you must begin to look at your man from a fresh angle; revisit your dream of your ideal man as well as the qualities you found in him then and what you now know are real and fake about those qualities that attracted you to him. This isn’t the time for you to pretend to want what you know you cannot cope with down the road. Doubtless, you would miss not having him in your life but admitting to the truths now would help you know what realistic steps and options you have. At this critical point in your relationship, you need to take some drastic steps and one of them is calling him for a very frank discussions. Let him tell you what you don’t know about all that is happening between the two of you and why he isn’t satisfied with having only you in his life. Insist he tells you what your faults are with a view of helping you avoiding them later in life. You have to know what his mindset is to enable you determine what your final decision would be. The issue may just be a temporary separation to refresh on your dreams. Going down memory lane helps a great deal in helping couples heal the disappointments in their relationship. You are no longer 16 but a 28-year-old woman, who is now more matured and in charge of her life than the innocent girl that entered into this relationship 12 years back. Unless she is given a chance to express herself, just like your man too need to come out of the age he entered into this relationship and enter his current age both of you would continue to experience this confusion. Doubtless you are both fond of each other but your adults’ selves must come out of the decisions your teenage years made for you urgently. You must answer the question of whether you both want to marry or not, as adults. This declaration would help him come out with the truth he is obviously battling with which, in fairness to him, he may not even know. The earlier you did this the best for you because time is of essence to you. However, don’t ignore the issue of a spiritual angle. When did this present girl surface in your relationship? Was it before the mother’s death or after? In making the final decision, please find time to be with God. Pray and fast because whether you like it or not, this relationship would affect you in more than one ways especially if both of you are throwing in the towel. It would be 12 years of your life that would be ending. Therefore you must be assured by God that you are on the right part, so the pains of your break up would not prevent you from falling in love again or pressure you into dating someone who is all wrong for you. Such moments would also point you at the adversary in your relationship. Ask God to deal with all your confusions himself. Good luck.

They want my son after all these years

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, While in secondary school, I got pregnant for a classmate of mine. He didn’t deny the pregnancy even though his mother did everything humanly possible to make him deny paternity of the child. He stood by me; telling everyone that cared to listen that he deflowered me and that I wasn’t the kind of girl his mother was trying to make me out to be. His father, a politician didn’t waste time ferrying him out of the country. None of the parents bothered to find out how I was or the baby when I had him. Despite the distance, he kept writing and sending me his pocket money through his elder sister who showered me with love and attention. On the day of the child’s naming; my parents didn’t know what to do on that day, whether to be happy or sad; she came with her friends, brought food and clothes. She stood as the only representative of the father of my son. Not once did she leave me alone. Every month she sent money to us and came whenever she could find the time from her bank job. When the baby was old enough, she insisted I further my education and took over the payment of the crèche I usually leave my baby. She gave my mother money to begin a trade to make things easier for her so she could continue to help me with the child. Between her and the father of my child, they built a three bedroom bungalow for me and the baby at Akute. My parents moved in with me; that is where I stay till today. My son, when he was 10, accompanied his aunty and her children to London where my son met with his father. Thereafter, his would send for him every long vacation to spend the summer holidays with him. For reasons best known to him, he refused to come back to the country. To cut the long story short, he died last year leaving his son and I well provided for. The last mail he sent to me before he died; he apologized for everything I went through, commending me for being a good mother to his son. He talked about his practice in England and how I should encourage his son to take over from him. He told me that his greatest regret in life is not being with me and that if there is another world, he would begin and end it with me. He ended by telling me how much he loved me and his wish that things were different. He died in an accident but I sometimes wonder if it was really an accident. The reason I am writing is that his parents want to see my son after 17 years. the last time I saw them was when his mother drove my mother and I out of their house in Ikoyi on the day we went to inform them of my pregnancy; when she called my mother and I wretched souls who wanted to reap where they didn’t sow. My parents died six and four years ago. Apart from my younger brother, my son is all I have. No man wanted to marry me because of my son; the last one that came wanted me to send my son away to his father’s family. Although he is now an undergraduate he remains my baby. They have sent the only person they know I will listen to, their daughter to plead with me to allow them see their grandson but, whenever I recall how they humiliated my mother and I, something inside of me just refuse to listen. Their daughter has been so nice to me; I know I am hurting her but it is difficult to let go of my pains. Agatha, please help me. I am sure they wouldn’t have come if their son didn’t die or had other children. Violet. Dear Violet, To err is human, to forgive is divine. Forgiveness is a gift from God; through it, we become one with Him. If you look back at the ways God has helped you to survive, surrounded you and your son with people who love you; you will realize that holding back on your forgiveness would be unfair to the God of mercy. These people are old; humbled by time and no longer the same people who arrogantly walked your mother and you out of their home. It can’t have been easy asking your permission to see the grandchild they denied years ago. If for nothing, consider the selfless love of the father of your child and his sister who stood by you through thick and thin; who against all odds at his tender age was sending you money for your upkeep. Both he and his sister could easily have abandoned you as other young men and even older ones have been known to do in the past and even now. This boy must have loved you from the depth of his heart and obviously made his sister promise to always be by your side. Have you ever paused to think of why his sister didn’t for one second turn her back on you, was always around you? The father of your child must have put her to it. Building you a house to stay, giving your mother money to upgrade her business shows a man whose heart never left you. That you were able to go back to school came from the benevolence of this lady who is today begging you for a favor. Don’t forget that she has never asked you for one, was always the one giving to you. You could argue that she was doing it for her brother but how many women will be this devoted if she didn’t want to? She showed you love where her parents reviled you, offered you respect and dignity when you needed it the most. Coming to represent the family of the father of your son at the naming was a way of announcing to the world that you may have made a mistake but you aren’t wayward. It must have taken guts for her to do what she did. Besides, don’t you think your son deserves to be integrated with his father’s family? Surely you know how much sacrifice his father made for you and his son. the best you can do for him is to allow his son enjoy the comfort and presence of the family he forfeited for your sake. It couldn’t have been easy for him all those years in a lonely country without the warmth of his family. Whether you like it or not, your son must have his own dreams: that of meeting his father’s entire family. He is a man and would one day bear the burden of his heritage. This you cannot take away from him. He is his father’s child; his only child and one he sacrificed so much for in life. Allow him to meet his grandparents. It is only right. How would you feel if they die before you think it right for all parties to meet? You will never be able to face yourself or forgive your inability to forget the past or pardon them for trying to protect their son from what the hands of one they perceive to be a gold digger. Sometimes, it is easier to point the accusing finger when we are in a different side of the field but wait until we find our self on the other side before we know the worth of our true character. In her position, you may behave in like manner. The human nature is very unpredictable. Besides, you have grown older and more experienced in life, so forgiveness should come to you naturally. Don’t wait for anyone to take your son to them, take him there by yourself; show them that you are a better person than they were at your age. It will make you feel better at the end of the day as well as worthy of the support and love given you all these years by the sister of your son’s father. Trust me; there is so much joy and peace in forgiveness. One day, your son will thank you for it. Good luck

My friend accuses me of desiring her man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have this issue disturbing my mind and which often makes me very sad. There is this friend of mine; we are both in the same school and live in the same neighbourhood. Her husband’s friend saw my picture on her Blackberry (BB) and expressed an interest in me which I initially turned down. As her wedding date approached, I became a constant visitor to their house and there I met this man again. My friend and her husband talked me into dating this man. Since my boyfriend isn’t based in Nigeria, and the fear that he might change his mind as is often the case with people who travel abroad, I succumbed to pressures of my friend and husband. Agatha, before we started dating, I made it clear to this man that we won’t have sex until I am sure of his intentions but I later got to know he was only after my body so we broke up. But unknown to me, he was relaying everything we discussed to my friend and husband, including the ones I told him about them especially the bit about my friend’s husband trying to woo me through BB chat. I got to know all these when my friend called me to see her after close of work. I was shocked at the things she claimed the man said I told him. She was very angry about the one I said about her husband trying to woo me before their wedding. When it happened, I shared it with some friends who told me not to tell her anything about it. When she told me everything the man said I told him, I couldn’t defend myself against all the lies rather I just started weeping. That night I sent him very nasty text messages prompting my friend’s husband to call me the next day to warn me that I will be held responsible if anything should happen to his friend. My friend’s husband said there is no way his friend will cook up those things he claimed I told him if I didn’t say them. I felt bad because from what my friend’s husband was saying it was obvious they both set me up. God knows I have been a good friend to his wife. I know the reason for this, my refusal to have sex with him; a fact my friend claimed to be true since he made reference to that. What should I do? I am sad at the accusation that I want to snatch my friend’s husband. It is painful and humiliating. Tolulope. Dear Tolulope, Candidly, you were wrong to discuss your friend or her husband behind them. The fact that you even mentioned them to this man makes you liable. Since you made up your mind at the beginning not to discuss what transpired between you and your friend’s husband with this friend, you shouldn’t have raised it with a friend you met through them. Mentioning the incident to a man you weren’t sure of, a friend to the man who also tried to date you, was wrong. Being friends, there is no way, he would keep such information away from his friend. The fact that your friend’s husband tried to date you was enough reason to have totally declined the offer of friendship from his friend. The signs that they were both setting you up for the kill was there from the beginning but, you failed to notice. How can a man who also tried to date you willingly encourage you to date his close friend? At that point, your warning bells should have sounded the alarm. Next time, be careful of any kind of situation that will get you into trouble. Most people who hear their side of the story will conclude you were really jealous of your friend; enough to make a pass at her husband. And coming from the man the world knew you were in a relationship with, will certainly make the story appear to be true. The conclusions would be he left you when he found out that you are the kind of friend and woman not to be trusted. Only very few will believe your story that he is telling these tales out of pains and disappointment at your refusal to sleep with him. For the sake of your safety, desist from sending him or any of them text messages. Control your temper and be mindful of the kinds of threat messages you send to this man. With this kind of man, you have to be careful since you don’t know the extent he is likely to go in dealing with you. Men have been known to kill women for refusing to have sex with them. Anyway, the harm has been done. Move on with your life. You don’t have to prove anything to your friends; obviously their minds are made up about you and the more you try to clear your name, the messier, the matter becomes. The best thing in this kind of situation is for you to ignore them entirely. Stay away from her home, if she wants to continue your friendship, limit it to your school interactions and be careful, you don’t say anything to her. Wisdom demands you manage the situation for the sole purpose of protecting your image and reputation. Sincerely, you are the only one that can make the difference in this whole thing. If you adopt an attitude of ignoring whatever your friend says or how she reacts to you, by maintaining a dignified silence, it will soon blow over. You have nothing to prove at all if you are innocent; only the guilty try so hard to prove their innocence. As long as your mind is clear; that what you said was in good faith, let her attitude or conclusions about you not bother you. Knowing God as much as I do, He will eventually establish the truth. But until he does, keep your peace. Another thing you should do, especially if this friend of yours has the address of your boyfriend is to find ways of telling him about this incident. You really don’t have anything to lose but a lot to gain since you already doubt the future of this relationship. The reason you must come clean with the truth is, the likelihood of your friend getting to him with the lies before you even have a chance of telling him the truth. At any rate, if this happens, whatever you are trying to conceal now will have to be said by you. So why not tell him first? If he has the plans to come for you, this incident will hasten him to make plans for both of you to be together and if he doesn’t, you will know from his attitude; hence a clear picture of what you should do with your life. The truth is, you cannot go on like this. It is either you have a boyfriend with a solid plan for you or you have none therefore the need for you to go on with your life. This incident happened because you are not together and particularly as you are not sure of what he has in stock for you. As a young woman, your shelf-span has an expiry date. The reality on ground is, both of you haven’t been able to come with clear plans of the future. This is the time both of you should do some very honest, talk; not the kind that is keeping you in limbo of not knowing how to proceed from the point he left you. If you don’t tackle this outstanding issue with your boyfriend, you will continue to fall into this kind of mess with friends who overtime will either think you are an easy lay or out to steal their men. You cannot rule out the possibility of your friend discussing this issue with other female friends of your group. They may not say anything to you but, their attitude towards you whenever they are with their men will tell you what they think of you. If you have a man of your own, none of them will be bold enough to act rudely to you. Therefore, use the opportunity of this incident to address the future of your relationship with your foreign based boyfriend. Let him tell you what his plans are in plain English; in addition, he must take steps by informing and instructing his family members about your relationship. It might just be that this incident happened for the purpose of making you move beyond the point you have stationed yourself as a result of your association with your overseas boyfriend. Good luck.

I’m four months older

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have long wished to write you. I have been reading your articles on Independent Newspapers for some years now. I marvel at the way you handle issues maturely. I know it is God in you doing this great work. I am involved with a man I am older than by four months. We have discussed this issue and he says he’s got no problem with it. I also don’t. But I still want to know if age counts when it comes to love? What is your opinion about a lady getting married to a man she is older than? Miss E.C Dear E.C., There is nothing wrong in a younger man marrying an older woman as long as they are both comfortable with the arrangement and in love with each other. Age is a thing of the mind. Once one is able to wrap and keep it where it belongs, doesn’t allow it become too much of a factor in one’s life and calculations, it becomes a positive partner and not a negative one. Besides, four months age difference isn’t much of anything. However, the problems are; how you will manage the differences and how he perceives it after the early moments of you both falling in love. Often than not, the challenges for the men come after the novelty of falling in love wears off. As long as he doesn’t allow certain minor things that should matter bug his mind; like comparing you with all the other younger women he comes across, developing resentment against you for no just reason, develops a mature mind to act his role as the man rather than a young man, is also respectful of your feelings, then there is nothing to be afraid of. You on the other hand must appreciate that age or no age, he remains the head of the team. Therefore, you must never do anything to make him feel less than a man by giving him all the respect he deserves from you. Don’t ever make the mistake of discussing his age with any of your friends or family members to protect his dignity as the man. Mischievous friends and family members, acting on the information may decide to treat him with disdain, mock him and question his motive for going into a relationship with you. Pretending to be on a mission to protect your interest, some friends can really mess things up behind you. This is why you should never trust friends with the age of a man you are older than. Some would wonder and call your motive desperation so be careful on all fronts. You also have to learn to be submissive; more than a woman who married an older man. The reason for this is, the older man doesn’t have the insecurity of the younger man married to an older woman. What an older man will gloss over, the younger man may impute another reason all together to it. Although maturity has nothing to do with age, the influence of his friends on his reasoning should not be ignored by you. Not all men have the ability to keep certain things about their women to themselves. Once the word is out that you may be older than he is, certain friends of his will never let go of the opportunity of rubbing it in. Also learn to dress smart and accentuate your best features; it will help keep his mind focused on you. Importantly, keep communication constant between the two of you. at all times you should know what and how he feels about you. Managing age related issue in a marriage is like managing a temper. You must constantly work on the likely situations that might emanate from your age differences from time to time. Work yourself to become his best friend. This you must begin from the early stage of your relationship because of the peculiarity of your relationship; by being his best friend, you give your marriage an additional reason to strive better than most. It will also keep other busybodies out of your relationship. Above all, stop worrying about it as you can easily become paranoid about it, which will make you extremely apprehensive of any young woman around him. The only way to avoid this is to be confident in your love for each other, in yourself as well as trust in his person and credibility. Don’t ever make the mistake of doubting his love for you. The moment you do that, you weaken the foundation of your relationship. Always entrust everything to God first. Good luck

The kernel of choices within

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com To have a successful marriage begins with the voyage of self discovery. Many a time, a lot of people are ignorant of who they really are, thereby inflicting their partners with issues they know nothing of. Painfully, who they really are goes beyond the faces they see in the mirror. Knowing the kind of fashion tastes, people and events one likes to be seen in and with isn’t the same thing as meeting the person within. Man’s inability to constantly subject the inner man to critical assessment has robbed him of that ceaseless chance to be happy in the choice of a life partner. This penchant to advertise the mundane over real substances is daily depriving the marriage institution of its value, magnificence, significance and essence. The resultant effect is the colossal disappointment it has become to many. Unfortunately, the entire blame of this collapse is unfairly being dumped on the institution rather than on the people and values taken into it. On its own, the institution is still as God designed it to be – providing man with an umbrella and platform to enjoy the special gift of sex as well as conduct the task of procreation with responsibility. It is also meant to provide man and woman a place to pull resources, strength and character to help build and develop a dependable world. Agonizingly, the sorry state of many marriages today point to the double standards of the older generation; the very reason the younger generation spurns and sneers at feeble attempts by the society not only to discuss the challenges of the institution but also to announce a caution for the youths to emulate. Overtime, the youths through the muddled-up choices and bad examples of their parents and adults around them, have taken it upon themselves to draw the imaginative conclusion that marriage isn’t any big deal after all. As a matter of fact, some of them now see the institution as a glorified prison designed to deny them the expression of freedom and self actualisation. Very unfortunate though, the youths draw their conclusions from the confusions of their parents’ choices. So how do we go back to the primeval function of marriage? How do we make it attractive again for the younger generation to want to come into and sustain? The first step is to begin with self discovery. Who is really inside you? Unknown to a lot of people, the success or otherwise of a marriage has nothing to do with what a person looks like on the outside. Rather, it is what the person is, on the inside. Therefore, having a good marriage is to meet with the person within. This calls for absolute sincerity with oneself. There is no moving forward in life without a thorough appraisal of who we really are. Often than not, this is where the problems in marriage begin. God in His infinite mercy and wisdom has given us a gauge in life. Once we exceed the measure of our tolerance level and ability, the tendency is for us to experience overflow in our reactions to issues. For some of us, our tanks are bigger and better at accommodating and assimilating situations; whereas, some tanks are small with very short circuit, which goes off at the sight of little pressures. Knowing who you are, admitting your ability and acknowledging your limitations, makes a whole lot of difference when making the decision of who to team up with in life. Every man owes it to posterity to tell himself or herself the truth at this critical time of self examination. To lie is to put another person’s happiness in jeopardy. As so many people have found out too late, lying about one’s ability or pretending to be who one isn’t, crumbles a marriage faster than a caterpillar tractor would bring down a building. Facing up to the truth about one’s own inabilities is the real foundation of having a successful home. It enables one to look out for a partner who has the elasticity to cope at all times, with one’s inability. For instance, a woman with a bad temper will end up doing herself and children injustice by marrying a man with the same degree of temper. If a man who is naturally neat falls in love with a woman who though has a pretty face but is dirty and uncultured, he will have himself to blame at the end of the day for his failure to tell himself the truth when it mattered most. For a marriage to work, every intending couple must look beyond the physical presentation or features of the other person. Ideally, this is what courtship is meant to achieve. Every man and woman must give each other a chance to be happy from the beginning by learning to look at the enduring qualities rather than perishables. This is the area parents and the society must offer their experiences to the youths. Life itself is a process of mistakes but, a good support group of those who have gone through the process in the past can help lessen the impact of such mistakes as well as prevent them from being made in the first place. Since sex is a concomitant and extremely important aspect of marriage, every young man and woman must be clear on his or her sexual preferences as well as strength. To gloss over the issue and importance of sex is to set one’s marriage on a precipitous position from its very foundation. An intending couple should never be shy to discuss the issue of sex since many of the marriages that are collapsing cite sexual incompatibility as the main culprit. Our contemporary society has made sex a real issue, one a wise intending couple must be bold enough to discuss. Being a virgin doesn’t deny man’s primitive knowledge of sex. Even if the body is intact, man’s awareness isn’t because it’s inherent. Therefore, talking about it should never be neglected. Both man and woman should never lie about what they want in and outside the bedroom. It is a simple matter of trusting each other. When a man or woman is definite about his or her wants, it makes it easier to know what to look for in another person. This takes away the frivolous, mundane and very illiterate qualities men and, women especially, throw up when asked the important things they want in their partners. Every couple must also be able to develop a culture of communication. After marriage, partners forget to talk to each other. They do everything expected of them as a couple but neglect the important one of talking to each other. Unfortunately, the day a couple stop talking as friends, partners and companions, they unknowingly begin to dig holes into the foundation of their union. Effective communication breeds friendship, trust, progress and stability in the home. Often times, when a couple forgets to talk about the important things, but only talk about house-keeping, the children and maintenance of the home, trust gives way to suspicion and the birth of strange bed fellows. If nothing is done, the house becomes boring and unexciting, forcing the couple to seek friendship and satisfaction elsewhere. The essence of friendship in a relationship insulates it from mischief makers, family interferences and other minor but irritating habits that daily contribute to the collapse of marriages. Friendship enables a marriage to survive the storms of life because it brings about a rare understanding and appreciation of self endurance in the process of building a home. Friendship helps a couple live in each other’s mind and soul bringing out the reason God created the institution. Definitely, every marriage needs the helping hands of God to sail in the right direction. Every woman desirous of having a successful marriage should not be far from her knees. She should learn to pray about everything concerning her home; rather than nag, quarrel or fight her man or her in-laws, she should converse with God instead to direct her. Some women have fought themselves out of their homes simply because they lacked the wisdom to tackle certain issues. It is the duty of every mother to teach her daughter the golden rule of tolerance. No matter how difficult a mother-in-law is, a good wife must for the sake of her husband put up with her. To force a man to choose between his mother and wife is perhaps one of the most cruel option any woman can offer her husband. A man’s mother is as important as his wife. If she didn’t bring him to the world, didn’t look and care for him, what man will the woman marry? In conclusion, every couple must be knowledgeable about what they want from the very beginning else they leave the canoe of their lives to chance. Marriage isn’t a game of chance rather it is one that demands a bouquet of reality to make it happen. Appreciation Dear Readers, I want to use this opportunity of my birthday, to thank you all for being there. I cannot thank you all enough for your outpour of love since I announced that I will be 50 today. God bless you all. Agatha.

I want more than I am getting from him

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t know how to handle this issue plaguing my less than a year old marriage. My husband and I met in the church. We decided to abstain from sex until our wedding night even though we were both been sexually active before we met. It was tough for me but I decided to play the good girl especially as he appears to be happy with the situation. At that point, I didn’t want him having the wrong impression of me in addition to being grateful at my luck at finding a man to marry. At 29, it appeared I wasn’t going to find any man interested in me enough to want to keep me in his house. The first time we made love was a disappointment. He didn’t go past the elementary stage for me. But since it was our wedding night, I had to pretend I was okay with the situation. I had to go to the bathroom that night to stimulate myself, something I hadn’t done in a very long time. The next day, I tried to engage and direct his interest but he didn’t like the things I was suggesting; from the look on his, he wasn’t comfortable so I backed off but that didn’t mean I was also happy. One month was already enough for me to be thoroughly sexually frustrated. The funny thing is that he hasn’t noticed my attitude to sex. For me, he is very weak sexually. He simply cannot satisfy me in bed; I want more than I am getting. Besides, he also thinks making love should be restricted to certain times of day and days of the week. I find his attitude frustrating. Before I met and married him, I dictated the number of times I made love. I confided in the pastor’s wife and all I got from her were lectures on how to be a good woman; that responsible wives don’t elevate sex to positions of importance in a marriage. If he doesn’t change I might be forced to look outside for satisfaction like most women I know are doing once I give birth. For instance, since I got pregnant, he hasn’t come close to me whatsoever. He has kept his distance forcing me to continue in my habit of self stimulation. Agatha, even though, some people out there may find my situation annoying, the truth is that my husband’s attitude is forcing me to consider other options. Take for example the offer of his best friend’s wife; who has offered me lesbianism as a way out of my sexual frustration. She confided that she opted for that option to protect her marriage and the image of her husband who is a pastor. I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t do because I respect and love my husband but the truth is I am too much of a woman to continue living like this. What do I do with my marriage and self. It is so frustrating because I lack the vaguest idea of how to proceed with my marriage and husband. Is there anything you can do for me? I am not a bad woman just a woman who wants to be happy in her womanhood. Frustrated Wife. Dear Frustrated Wife, No matter what some people say, sexual satisfaction is integral to the success of a marriage. It is your right to be happy as married woman and to enjoy the full benefits of sex. But rather than go around telling people, inviting different kinds of opinions that might at the end of the day derail your marriage, why not summon the courage to discuss your unhappiness with your husband? If he isn’t satisfying you, let him know how his attitude to your desires is affecting the quality of your relationship with him and as well as the dangers it present to your marriage. Unless there is a determined effort to sustain communication in a marriage, so many things can get go very wrong. There is no way your husband can ever correctly guess how his understanding of sex is affecting you negatively. Perhaps until he met you, no woman has ever complained about his sexual ability or disability as the case maybe. If this is the case, your experience will definitely be new to him; and unless you take steps to educate him on how to meet you half way, he will assume you are satisfied with his performance. Therefore, you have to look for an opportune time, when he is in a good mood, to introduce the subject to him. The reason you must thread carefully is the sensitivity of the issue at hand. If you don’t apply wisdom, chances are, you might be sending the wrong signals to him. What you should do is begin by asking him what his view on sex is. It could come from what his parents told him about sex, his social circle and his own attitude towards the subject of sex. There are some people who simply don’t like sex at all. These series of questions will give you an insight into where the problem is coming from. It is best to show understanding from the view point of the other person. This man is your husband; you have to find ways of helping him come to a better understanding of his sexuality. It isn’t something you can do overnight but one that has to be gradual. Follow this by asking him about his fantasies. Somewhere in his mind and past, he must have nurtured some sexual fantasies which he lost in the process of remodeling himself into who he currently is. Between all these, also let him know certain things about yourself; your sexual preferences and how you have cultivated it over the years as well as how it is going to be difficult to completely let go of certain things from your past. This discussion is to prepare the ground for a new sexual understanding between you and your husband. Through this discussion, he will come to realize some of your frustration as well as the implications for the marriage if he doesn’t take steps to meet you half way. This talk will also help him come to a realization that sex during pregnancy isn’t harmful rather it is even recommended to help the woman during actual labour. Let him know at this point that you won’t be able to survive nine months of not having sex. Often times the pretenses of women are the reasons men continue to deny them of their rights. He is your husband; your final bus-stop as far sex with another man goes. So why pretend about what you want when you have nowhere else to go? A man who isn’t getting it right at home can go outside his home for fulfillment but a woman can’t. So demand for your right. You also have to help him by teaching him the things he doesn’t know about sex. This is why you must first obtain his trust and understanding to prevent doubts in your marriage. There are certain men who view discussion of sex by their wives as an admission of having extra martial affairs. Having that frank discussion will help open his mind to whatever suggestions you have to make concerning the alternatives open to both of you. This is the point you do away with shame as a woman. Marital problems come in different forms; unless a woman is resilient as well as determined, the problems and frustration will keep mounting until the problems overwhelm her and her marriage. And sex? Is the worst kind of problem a woman has to contend with in her marriage because nobody wants to listen to her or understand her situation. Even the women who have similar issues in their marriages pretend it isn’t an issue and instead of being sympathetic, join the others in accusing her of wrong doing. Look for adult books and tapes that will help you and your husband come to a fuller understanding of your bodies. In addition, use your knowledge of the topic to brighten your marriage. No matter how rigid your man is, under your expert hands, he will thaw. Men are different from women because they are instigated by sight and touch As a woman of experience you should know that the key to a having quality sex is having a knowledge of your partner’s body. Every man or woman has a very tender spot. Explore his body and see what happens at the end of the day. You should be able to read your husband like a book: you should know what every page on his body contains; without you saying anything to him, you can through your knowledge bring out the best in him. However, his cooperation will help you achieve your aim of ensuring sexual compatibility faster. As for the wife of your husband’s best friend, stay away from her. Her answer isn’t the right one just as the response of your pastor’s wife should be ignored. We aren’t built alike; while some women can ignore this aspect of their beings, some women like you cannot. By tailoring your need to suit you, you open your heart and mind more to tackle other issues in your marriage. Good luck.

He forbids me taking his children to my church

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I married my childhood friend. We met in primary school and remained close. Through our secondary school and university, we remained very close despite occasional slips on his side. Finally he came to the realization that we were meant for each other and stopped all his other relationships. I have never doubted our love for each other so decline all other males that wanted to marry me. Our different religions didn’t matter to me. Apart from being a Muslim, he was also from a polygamous family while I am Christian. My parents were formally Anglican but my mother dragged the family to a Pentecostal church. However, the reactions of everybody in my family were the same-I shouldn’t marry him because of his religion. When it looked as if I was going to lose the battle to my family, I called him to ask if he would allow me continue in my faith once we got married; he agreed and even started going to church with me. Whatever his family thought of his decision, he didn’t tell me but they all accompanied him to the church during our white wedding. For two years after we got married, he didn’t miss church for a day. Our two children; twins were christened in the church. His mother too doesn’t bother me. She is still the best mother-in-law in the world. Something happened in the church which made so many people leave. It was at that point my husband’s attitude changed completely towards the church and Christianity in general. Just as he made up his mind to become a Christian suddenly, he started going to the mosque. When I first tried to discuss the matter with him, he told me not to bother him. But three months after, he yielded to my pressure to tell me his reason. He said, if a human skull was found in the house of a so called man of God, then he has no business being a Christian. He said while he wasn’t against my continuing in my faith, I should not take his children with me to the church. Agatha, he has remained adamant. How can I go to church without my children? How can I allow him bring up my children in the Islamic way? Nothing I have said since has been able to make him change his mind. Although he remains the best husband any woman can wish for; I think he is however taking the issue of the pastor too far. What do I do in this situation? I cannot stop being a Christian and won’t allow him force my children to go his way on this matter. Now we pray separately. My mother insists I shouldn’t allow him blackmail me into changing my religion at all. How do I make him listen to me? Bolajoko Dear Bolajoko, How much does your marriage mean to you? What kinds of plans do you have for your future as well as those of your children? Between your husband and mother, who is most important to you? Importantly, which of these two are you married to? This man or his religion? The truth is, you knew right from the beginning that you belonged to different religions and must have known that one day, you will be forced to make a decision between your religion and his’. The choice we make at the beginning of a relationship stays with us throughout life. This is the reason we must be absolutely clear on our capacity to cope at all times before we commit ourselves to a situation and marriage. To change the goal post mid game on account of our displeasures at the way things are turning out isn’t right and definitely unfair to the other party. You made the decision to marry him despite knowing the danger of mixed religious marriage. If he made the attempt to follow you to church for several years, it didn’t make it right for you to expect him to be the one to abandon his religion. He followed you because he loves you from the deepest part of his person. If he got disappointed along the way to make him run back to something familiar, your job as his wife, friend and important as a Christian isn’t to fight him; rather you should offer him all the understanding and support he needs to get over his disappointment at the reason for his retreat. In his shoes, how would you feel at finding out that the man burning bright for Jesus some moments ago has a human skull? What relationship has a human skull with the Bible and the name of Jesus? To be fair, this is enough to make even those born into Christian families doubt the foundation of their faith. If this man after years of following you to the church is embittered and disappointed at this development, he has every right to be. To deny him his right is to create a situation in his mind that you are insensitive and unappreciative of the sacrifices he made for you. Getting his family to support his decision to marry you despite the religious differences and getting them to attend the church wedding shows the liberty and tolerance of his family. It also shows a man who is ready to put the interest and happiness of his wife first. Even if he didn’t tell you, it must have cost him a lot of negotiation, fighting and stubbornness to get his family to support his choice of you. If they were dye in the wool fanatics like you obviously are, your marriage wouldn’t have happened. Sincerely, if you listen to your mother on this, you will live to regret it. That she succeeded in dragging your father and siblings with her to a strange church, doesn’t mean she should encourage you to do same. Furthermore, the marriage in question is yours, not hers. She isn’t in your marriage, isn’t married to your kind of husband and isn’t having the same challenges you are having in your marriage so if you listen to her, you will be applying the wrong kind of drug to an illness that isn’t the same. That her method appears to be succeeding in getting things done her way in her marriage doesn’t mean she should encourage you to turn your marriage into a replica of her own. A word is enough for the wise. A woman doesn’t have a religion until she gets married. This is universal; a woman follows her husband to wherever he goes; that is why a woman must never allow herself be guided by sentiments when making the choice of who to marry. Marriage is more than a man and woman loving each other; it requires much more to sustain marriage. To be truthful, your husband is rare. Another man won’t stop at telling you not to take his children with you to your church; he would insist you embrace his religion. Besides, he isn’t even telling you not to take his children along with you; what he is saying is that he won’t allow his children in that church. I am sure if you see reasons with him on the need for you to change church, he won’t be so adamant. Besides, what are you still doing in such a church? Does it make sense for you to remain in that kind of church? Do you need your husband to tell you to quit or that you should not expose your children to such an environment? Frankly, you are taking this religion thing too far. Would under the guise of holding on to your religion destroy your own happiness? Besides what does the Bible teach you about the place of a wife? From all indices are you serving God or a man? Rather than fight your husband, go and beg him. Find the friend in him so that you can both discuss the way forward. There is no sense in allowing this matter degenerate. Go to him tonight and ask him to pray for the family. Do it his way to demonstrate your appreciation and understanding for the beauty of the choice you make to marry him despite belonging to different religions. From that point, it would be easier for both of you to fine-tune and arrive at whatever you both decide to do at the end of the day. If he says you should continue in your faith, please go for the familiar-go back to your church of origin and stop whatever it is that you are looking for in your present church. His concern isn’t that you are going to a church because if it were, he wouldn’t even attempt to follow you but the kind of place you are in. Having been friends with him all these years, you must know how to get him to listen and smile again. Use the advantage of your knowledge of him to buy your marriage happiness again. And don’t also forget those children are his children too. Good luck.