He forbids me taking his children to my church

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I married my childhood friend. We met in primary school and remained close. Through our secondary school and university, we remained very close despite occasional slips on his side. Finally he came to the realization that we were meant for each other and stopped all his other relationships. I have never doubted our love for each other so decline all other males that wanted to marry me. Our different religions didn’t matter to me. Apart from being a Muslim, he was also from a polygamous family while I am Christian. My parents were formally Anglican but my mother dragged the family to a Pentecostal church. However, the reactions of everybody in my family were the same-I shouldn’t marry him because of his religion. When it looked as if I was going to lose the battle to my family, I called him to ask if he would allow me continue in my faith once we got married; he agreed and even started going to church with me. Whatever his family thought of his decision, he didn’t tell me but they all accompanied him to the church during our white wedding. For two years after we got married, he didn’t miss church for a day. Our two children; twins were christened in the church. His mother too doesn’t bother me. She is still the best mother-in-law in the world. Something happened in the church which made so many people leave. It was at that point my husband’s attitude changed completely towards the church and Christianity in general. Just as he made up his mind to become a Christian suddenly, he started going to the mosque. When I first tried to discuss the matter with him, he told me not to bother him. But three months after, he yielded to my pressure to tell me his reason. He said, if a human skull was found in the house of a so called man of God, then he has no business being a Christian. He said while he wasn’t against my continuing in my faith, I should not take his children with me to the church. Agatha, he has remained adamant. How can I go to church without my children? How can I allow him bring up my children in the Islamic way? Nothing I have said since has been able to make him change his mind. Although he remains the best husband any woman can wish for; I think he is however taking the issue of the pastor too far. What do I do in this situation? I cannot stop being a Christian and won’t allow him force my children to go his way on this matter. Now we pray separately. My mother insists I shouldn’t allow him blackmail me into changing my religion at all. How do I make him listen to me? Bolajoko Dear Bolajoko, How much does your marriage mean to you? What kinds of plans do you have for your future as well as those of your children? Between your husband and mother, who is most important to you? Importantly, which of these two are you married to? This man or his religion? The truth is, you knew right from the beginning that you belonged to different religions and must have known that one day, you will be forced to make a decision between your religion and his’. The choice we make at the beginning of a relationship stays with us throughout life. This is the reason we must be absolutely clear on our capacity to cope at all times before we commit ourselves to a situation and marriage. To change the goal post mid game on account of our displeasures at the way things are turning out isn’t right and definitely unfair to the other party. You made the decision to marry him despite knowing the danger of mixed religious marriage. If he made the attempt to follow you to church for several years, it didn’t make it right for you to expect him to be the one to abandon his religion. He followed you because he loves you from the deepest part of his person. If he got disappointed along the way to make him run back to something familiar, your job as his wife, friend and important as a Christian isn’t to fight him; rather you should offer him all the understanding and support he needs to get over his disappointment at the reason for his retreat. In his shoes, how would you feel at finding out that the man burning bright for Jesus some moments ago has a human skull? What relationship has a human skull with the Bible and the name of Jesus? To be fair, this is enough to make even those born into Christian families doubt the foundation of their faith. If this man after years of following you to the church is embittered and disappointed at this development, he has every right to be. To deny him his right is to create a situation in his mind that you are insensitive and unappreciative of the sacrifices he made for you. Getting his family to support his decision to marry you despite the religious differences and getting them to attend the church wedding shows the liberty and tolerance of his family. It also shows a man who is ready to put the interest and happiness of his wife first. Even if he didn’t tell you, it must have cost him a lot of negotiation, fighting and stubbornness to get his family to support his choice of you. If they were dye in the wool fanatics like you obviously are, your marriage wouldn’t have happened. Sincerely, if you listen to your mother on this, you will live to regret it. That she succeeded in dragging your father and siblings with her to a strange church, doesn’t mean she should encourage you to do same. Furthermore, the marriage in question is yours, not hers. She isn’t in your marriage, isn’t married to your kind of husband and isn’t having the same challenges you are having in your marriage so if you listen to her, you will be applying the wrong kind of drug to an illness that isn’t the same. That her method appears to be succeeding in getting things done her way in her marriage doesn’t mean she should encourage you to turn your marriage into a replica of her own. A word is enough for the wise. A woman doesn’t have a religion until she gets married. This is universal; a woman follows her husband to wherever he goes; that is why a woman must never allow herself be guided by sentiments when making the choice of who to marry. Marriage is more than a man and woman loving each other; it requires much more to sustain marriage. To be truthful, your husband is rare. Another man won’t stop at telling you not to take his children with you to your church; he would insist you embrace his religion. Besides, he isn’t even telling you not to take his children along with you; what he is saying is that he won’t allow his children in that church. I am sure if you see reasons with him on the need for you to change church, he won’t be so adamant. Besides, what are you still doing in such a church? Does it make sense for you to remain in that kind of church? Do you need your husband to tell you to quit or that you should not expose your children to such an environment? Frankly, you are taking this religion thing too far. Would under the guise of holding on to your religion destroy your own happiness? Besides what does the Bible teach you about the place of a wife? From all indices are you serving God or a man? Rather than fight your husband, go and beg him. Find the friend in him so that you can both discuss the way forward. There is no sense in allowing this matter degenerate. Go to him tonight and ask him to pray for the family. Do it his way to demonstrate your appreciation and understanding for the beauty of the choice you make to marry him despite belonging to different religions. From that point, it would be easier for both of you to fine-tune and arrive at whatever you both decide to do at the end of the day. If he says you should continue in your faith, please go for the familiar-go back to your church of origin and stop whatever it is that you are looking for in your present church. His concern isn’t that you are going to a church because if it were, he wouldn’t even attempt to follow you but the kind of place you are in. Having been friends with him all these years, you must know how to get him to listen and smile again. Use the advantage of your knowledge of him to buy your marriage happiness again. And don’t also forget those children are his children too. Good luck.

My elder brother is responsible for my condition

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am writing to you for prayers. I have been reading your columns for a long time. I am 41 years old and would say I am not doing what is expected of my age. I was exceptionally brilliant in my growing up years. I cannot remember any time I came second in my class in primary and secondary schools. After my secondary education, I joined my eldest brother and his family in Port Harcourt from the village. Since then my path turned negative. A lot happened. It took me eight years to gain admission and it was hell for me to graduate. Coming from a science background, I find it hard to believe what family members are saying. We are nine in number but, it is only in the eldest son’s house, one can find comfort. He had on many occasions made it known that he will be the one to determine our fate at every given point. My other siblings have reported these threats to our parents but he would always buy them over with money and gifts. At a point, the family was divided between him and others. He later got supporters from three family members. Now, as it stands, two of his supporters have left him. According to them, the various men of God they visited told them that a member of the family is using the stars of others. My problem with my eldest brother is his high handedness, self-centeredness and other vices. Because of my opposition to his ways, I have never been in his good books. The event surrounding my business and of late, health is why I need prayers. Since I left my brother in 2006, I have never had any success or breakthrough. I keep recording losses in all the different businesses as well as relationships. Now my health has gone bad. I may die if no one rescues me from his grip. Pray for me or connect me to any Man of God you know does not use any negative powers Agatha. FN. Dear FN, Given the story you have told, you are right to run to God for help since He is the only one that has the powers and ability to rescue you from this kind of problem. He also has the power to equally direct you to the place and person He has prepared for your deliverance. This is because what works for one person may not work for another person. We all have our individual pastors and churches. So, it is important you talk first to God through prayers where you should go. You may have to go to a prayer mountain first to seek the face of God on how to proceed in this matter. When going, ensure you are fasting and be prepared to spend sometime in the presence of God because tough situation requires extra-ordinary solutions. Your case is made more complicated because the person at the centre of your problem is your blood, your elder brother who has also compromised your parents in the spiritual war against you. In truth your parents may not know the source of his wealth, but their unwillingness to question the allegations against him by all the other members of the family, makes them culpable due to their greed. It might be a good idea for you, until you are through with your spiritual deliverance not to confide in any member of your family particularly because of the previous attempts of your brother to buy over some members of your family. The wisdom to keeping seal ed lips when going for these kinds of assignments or journey is to avoid unnecessary and avoidable battles that follow them. The devil and his agents don’t give up easily. They are never willingly let go of their prey; are always determined to hold on as long as they can. Besides, since there is no telling who their agents is, it is always better to keep sealed lips when going for such exercises. Above all, learn to be patient because most times God doesn’t answer as fast as we desire. To be right with God, one must have absolute faith and trust in His ways. You must appreciate that His ways aren’t known to man and that He isn’t a magician whose answers come instantly as many people desire. Besides, to wrestle powers from people like your brother, you need to be focused on God and His ways no matter how difficult the beginning of your relationship with God gets. Make the Bible your constant companion because therein lives the power, presence and mystery of God. Good luck.

My ward is pregnant at 13

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve this problem in my home. It has to do with ward and my younger brother. My ward’s parents died when she was still young. She was actually handed over to my mother by the elders of our village and who in turn handed her over to me when she was about to die. I was warned by my mother, never to drive her away, no matter what. Despite my husband’s opposition to my decision to bring her home, given his limited resources, I still held on to her. When she started sprouting, my husband called me to warn me against leaving her in the company of my younger brother. I ignored him because I thought my brother also took her as his sister. It wasn’t until recently I discovered that my brother was sleeping with her. It isn’t only that: she is three months pregnant and only 13. My faith doesn’t permit me to abort for her but what will I tell all the people who witnessed my mother giving her to me and her instruction that I look after her? If my daughter who is her age isn’t pregnant, what will I tell people? Besides, my husband has threatened to drive me out of the house if I don’t send her out of the house. He says he cannot continue to habour my brother, the girl and their unborn child. This trouble is too much for me. I don’t even know how I am going to confront the villagers with this development at all. My brother is 25; he has finished his university education and service year but is yet to secure a job. The issues are all beyond me. Confused Woman. Dear confused Woman, Sincerely you don’t have problems except the ones you are creating for yourself. In the first place, your brother didn’t deny responsibility for his actions. At least the unborn child has a father who is not just old enough but well equipped educationally to fend for his new family. He is more than outfitted to face the challenges of his life. A man old enough to appreciate the backside of a woman should be ready to face the outcome of that desire. The only unfortunate thing is the age of the girl involved. At 13, she is still very much a child herself, who should be under her mother’s watchful eyes. Perhaps this is where your real worry comes from. If your child who is her age isn’t pregnant, how come the one put under your care by the village is? Obviously something is wrong somewhere. There is no way, your daughter who should be her best friend wouldn’t know about the romance between the two. If your husband warned you about them, your daughter must have known unless of course, your ward isn’t going to school in which case, nobody is always around to witness the expression of their feelings for each other. This is the area you certainly have questions to answer because there is no way you will not be accused for negligence, especially as she committed the act right under your roof. For a young girl, who hasn’t become expert at disguising her feelings, she won’t have been able to disguise her emotions for your brother whenever she comes into contact with him. If you were around or observant of them, especially the young girl; you would have been able to deduce the exchange of romantic feelings between the two of them. Well, at this point, there is nothing you can do about the situation but to accept the inevitable. To protect your marriage, ask your brother to look for a place of his own so he can take her with him since it would be expecting too much for your husband to take on the responsibility of housing both of them. But for the sake of the young girl’s health, don’t be far from them. Until she puts to birth, continue to show interest in her welfare. This is important to avert another tragedy in the family; she remains your burden and ward. She can still go back to school after she puts to bed. By allowing her face the burden of her action is to school her in the course of discipline and setting the right priority in life. Furthermore, insist your brother doesn’t maltreat her and that he treats her with the respect she deserves afterall; if he found her woman enough to sleep with, he should find her woman enough to marry and keep. Although the case appears really bad, but it will blow over eventually as similar cases have done in the past. Just keep encouraging both of them; it is all you can do for now. Good luck,

He is in the habit of violating me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have known this guy for six months and have fallen in love with him. Before I agreed to his proposal, I really played hard to get even though I am not a virgin. But I kept myself after my last relationship until I met him. Please tell me what to do because he is really frustrating me. Whenever I am with him, he demands for sex and when I refuse, he forces himself on me and leaves me immediately. He has affected my life. He says I am his only love and that he will forever love and marry me as long as I don’t disappoint him. Since meeting him, he hasn’t given me a dime but he keeps collecting money from me. He only visits at night when he wants to have sex. Does he love me at all? Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, You don’t need anyone to spell the answer out to you; this man is only interested in your body and money. Unfortunately, you are helping him to destroy you. Being in love doesn’t make one stupid and vulnerable. And any relationship that makes a person any of these or both isn’t worth it. He comes only when he wants sex, forces you into having sex with him when you don’t want to; comes in the night when he knows you wouldn’t want the neighbours to know what is happening in your home. This isn’t love at all. He is milking you of your self respect as well as your self worth. Gradually, he will turn you into a psychological case because when a woman is constantly forced against her will to have sex, something inside of her dies; love soon turns into hatred not just for the man, but for every other man as well as yourself for being so cowardly. If you don’t stop it now, you will end up hating everything that gives other people happiness. A man who wants to marry a woman doesn’t behave towards her the way this man is treating you. A man serious about the woman in his life treats her with respect and takes every possible step to honour her in all ways. He understands when his woman isn’t in the mood and takes every step to ensure she is in the right frame of mind if he must have sex with her. Forcing himself on you whenever you are not in the mood means, he isn’t bothered about your happiness or frame of mind. From the examples he has given you of himself, it should by now be obvious to you that your body and not your mind is what he is after in addition to the money he is getting from you. He has stayed this long because he has continued to get tacit support from you. The moment he senses you are withdrawing or finds another woman with larger pocket than you, he will abandon you. He told you about love and marriage because he guessed that is what you want to hear. One thing you must first understand about a man like this, is that he is selfish; always on the look out for his own happiness and satisfaction. The moment he sucks you dry, like a sucked orange, he will throw you away and move on to another unsuspecting woman. Resist being tired down by a promise that will never come true. Besides, what do you want a man who has shown he is a serial rapist for? A man that uses force to sleep with a man will definitely apply the same amount of pressure on her outside the bedroom if she isn’t yielding what he wants to him. The day you begin to deny him money, is the day he will take his aggression out of the bedroom to the open. By then it might be too late for you to end it. Now that you haven’t gotten pregnant from his violent and unplanned sex, show him the way out of your life irrespective of how much it would hurt you emotionally. This isn’t the kind of man you need in your life. You need a man to help you come to your purpose in life not one who is out to derail and destroy you. To continue in this kind of relationship is to enslave yourself to a situation that will only end up hurting you the more so learn to deal with it now. Refuse to allow him into your house at nights. Insist he comes during the daytime and resist seeing him inside your apartment. Entertain him outside your apartment. If he demands to go in, tell him you are not in the mood and until you deal with some personal issues you are debating within yourself, you want things to remain the way they are. Outside your apartment, he wouldn’t dare touch you or force you into doing anything you don’t want to do. And when he demands for money; tell him you don’t have any to give him. Chances are he may not come back after two or three visits. Also, if you have been in the habit of visiting him; stop it. This may hurt but only for a while. By the time a responsible man comes along, you will be glad you were able to break free of him. Keeping him in your life will block the chances of a responsible man from coming into your life. So be fast about your decision. Good luck.

The conspiracy of silence

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Cont’d from last week Dear Readers, Unwittingly, parents, the society including the church are united in the destruction of the marriage institution. Hiding under obnoxious customs, beliefs, shyness and inexplicable values, adults refuse to openly acknowledge the physical and emotional changes going on in their children. Some mothers don’t even know how to explain menstruation to their daughters, a sign that the girl-child is a woman. The only thing many of them tell their daughters even in today’s modern world; is to warn them against the company of men. But the circumstances that can lead to boys or men getting them pregnant, is often ignored. The result is a very confused child who now has to navigate the mystery of life on her own. In school, the teenager begins to develop different fields of thoughts, tastes and associations at the same time the hormones are cascading through the body. The confusion generated by the presence of these hormones propels the teenager into his or her first love voyage. Many a time, the consequences of these unplanned and uneducated romances end up being the death of very promising careers and even lives of promising young girls especially. This is because, the young teenage girl, ignorant of the implication of the potency of these changes inside her, goes into what starts as an innocent relationship with a boy her age. The result is an unplanned pregnancy which fear of what the parents would say, pushes the child to aborting the pregnancy in whatever way possible. The lucky ones escape with their lives but have damaged wombs to contend with for the rest of their lives. While the experience is sufficient to make some responsible, for the majority, it only provides them with a vista to explore all there is to know about the adult world. Like ostriches, parents and community leaders pretend not to notice these changes and when they decide to acknowledge these changes, take to the issuances of threats and force. Deliberately, parents play amnesia to avoid discussing their shame and regrets in the choices they made. Many parents think discussing the topic with their children will expose their hypocrisy to their children. The question then comes up; what are you protecting the child from when the child has not been given a reason to be afraid of the changes going on inside of him or her? For any one to have a good marriage, that person must first be at peace with self. This peace begins with a knowledge of who one is, and ends with an intimacy of one’s essence as well as relationship with nature. This is why every adult or parent must as a matter of duty teach his or her child/ward the facts of life. The society, especially the church, must also break its silence on sex and tell the youths what they must know about the subject. While the silence theory of the church and the story of the birds and bees of parents may have fed the curiosity of by gone generation of teenagers; the present generation, with the advent of easy information on the internet need the truth as well as trust. Telling the child the truth about sex doesn’t translate, as many parents think, to giving the child license to be promiscuous. Information arms the child, especially the girl child to know what to avoid and detect when a man is out to rob her of her integrity as a woman. It also helps to foster a firm, friendly and mutual relationship between mother and daughter, the kind that will expose the daughter to the true nature of the marriage of her parents as well as the positive lessons she will take to her own home. Through the mother, the child is exposed to the different ways a woman can use her sexuality to earn respect for herself and build her home. The boy, on the other hand, through a close relationship with his father knows that women are not animals that should be preyed upon by the man. Through well-guided expose to the positive examples of the father, he learns to control his urges and learn to respect the body of a woman. This he also takes into his marriage making it possible for him to appreciate and understand the nature as well as moods of the wife. The child must be taught through oral and practical means the various angles to sex and not just the physical consummation of the male and female bodies. Granted, sex leads to procreation, the reality is that its function is more than that. By over amplifying the negative sides of sex, we push the children to it. If God hadn’t pointed the Tree of Life as the only forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden to Adam and Eve, there would have been nothing special about it. The fact that God tagged it forbidden, aroused the natural curiosity of Eve and gave Satan something to lure her into his plans of doom for mankind. The negative attitude of most parents to the issue of giving information on sex to their children in a way instigates the curiosity of the teenager to find out what makes it prohibitive. Unfortunately, their ways of sourcing for information, often than not, impede future plans for a happy marriage and derail God’s plans in some cases like it did to Eve. Therefore, the web of silence must be addressed by all concerned if our children are to benefit positively from this special gift from God. Like every other subject that has to do with human life and development, every child must be given a thorough lesson on what to expect at any particular age and the precautions that must be taken to avoid the dangers that come with it. Vivid examples must be given to the child on why these feelings must not be given free reign to explode. The child must understand that every stage in life comes with some expectations, challenges as well as responsibilities. Parents and adults must use their own years, disappointments and mistakes as clear examples why the child must be careful of the hidden dangers laced into their age. When a child is given the knowledge of how the parents once felt like as a teenager, how they were about making the mistakes he or she is contemplating or fell into disgrace as a result of not trusting the parents enough; such experiences draw the child closer to the parents. Sex is not a taboo rather it is the meaning we read into it by our own examples and attitudes. If it is part of human existence, then it should be treated with all the honestly and transparency it deserves. Rather than for parents or the society to brand sex as being bad, parents should instead be bold enough to explain why sex should be avoided at a particular age. For the sake of the future of the children, parents must learn to be truthful when it comes to the subject of sex, since it is the only way to earn the trust, respect and confidence of the children. This is the beginning of teaching a child the lesson of confidence in the leadership of the home as well as respect for whosoever the child enters a relationship with in the future. It is also about teaching a child to be responsible for any action taken. When a child is given all the information there is to give, without the parent stating the obvious, the child knows that from that point ignorance can no longer be a reason for any action taken. Either way, the child begins to build on these attributes that will help him or her became a worthy partner to his or her spouse in future. When a child who has been told by the parents that sex is ugly and shameful discovers that it is sweet and enjoyable; the child becomes stubborn, recalcitrant and rude. The child loses confidence in the parents and begins to hide things. Unless urgent step is taken by the parents to change the new impression of the child, the child grows up distrusting everybody, including the spouse later in life. Both adults and the children are united in God’s plans for the continuity of the human race which is why adults and the larger society must be untied and honest in preparing the children and youths for the tasks ahead. Every contemporary society must pattern parenting to suit the demands of the time. That a method once worked in the past doesn’t mean it will work with another generation. Children need honest and responsible examples to emulate. The failure of many marriages is itself a statement of the failure of parents, the church and society to provide our youths with worthy examples to emulate. Continues next week…

He lied about being single at 43 years of age

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two years ago, I met and married my husband. We met in England. I am one year older than his 43 years of age. I was very happy that at my age I could get a single man interested in me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me. Naturally, I probed into his life but he told me that he has never been married as a result of series of disappointments from women. I also asked if anyone has a child or children for him that I should know of, he also denied the existence of any. When my questions were becoming too much, he brought out his Bible to swear to me that he has never been married and that he has no child anywhere. For me that was evidence enough that he was telling the truth. Therefore, when friends pressured me not to marry him immediately, but to first investigate him the more, I ignored them all. Deep down I felt they were jealous of my good fortune because a lot of my friends like me were either single mothers or completely single. His tales and presence in my life caused my best friend and I to part ways. I took exceptions to her insistence that he was too smooth and most likely to be a dupe. She didn’t like the fact that he just came from nowhere; he said, he doesn’t keep friends and travels a lot and that he came to England for business. After our marriage, he told me, he wanted to go back to Nigeria to visit his ailing mother. Since I hadn’t met her and was determined to make a good impression, I gave him money and lace materials to give her in addition to other things. By every standard, I am successful. I own a thriving shop that deals in lace materials as well as another one that deals in grocery. I also have two other shops in Lagos run by my youngest sister. He was away for three weeks. He spoke with me every day. His mother also spoke with me thanking me for all the gifts I sent her and prayed for me to be happy with her son. When he came back, he mentioned a business a friend of his suggested to him. According to him, his friend wanted them to go into a food processing business. I encouraged him to go into it since anything that had to do with food and preservation would always sell. Given the kind of business I am into, I encouraged him to go into partnership with this friend of his. Beyond knowing he is a business man, I didn’t bother with his financial status or worth. After about six months of talking to and fro over this business, he called me one night to loan him some money; that he and his friend had secured a parcel of land along old Abeokuta road. He asked me for N5m loan. He promised to pay back within three months. I gave it to him without thinking twice. Another six months passed, I wasn’t hearing anything about the business; not that it bothered me but curiosity made me to ask him one night only for him to flare up. Rather than answer me, he said, I didn’t care enough, which informed his decision not to share the challenge they were having with the project with him. He said, they were in need of another N5m but didn’t want to ask me for it; that he didn’t want me thinking his interest in me had to do with money. I allowed that comment to pass and gave him N4m out of the N5m they were looking for. A week after he left England for Nigeria, something kept nagging me to find him. Without informing him of my decision to come home, I came to Nigeria and with the address he once gave me, traced him; only to discover he is married with children; not just one wife, he recently acquired another wife in the three bedroom flat he rented at Aina Street, Ojodu Berger, Lagos. I discovered there was no business or ailing mother. That everything he has been collecting from me he was using to live large in Nigeria. The most painful isn’t the money I lost but the fact that his wife turned out to be my best-friend in primary school. He lied to her that he and his friend who lived abroad were into food processing; exporting African foods like garri, locust beans, yam as well as bean powder. The funny thing is that he isn’t taking care of my friend who is the first wife and her children. One of the children, isn’t going to school. She obviously married him immediately after secondary school. She is a petty trader. He is busy painting the down red. I want revenge. In addition to taking legal steps, I want him to suffer for the pains, the loss and social embarrassment I have and will suffer from my friends. Besides, I want my money back. I have evidences of the withdrawals from my account. I am so pained and confused because I trusted and loved him. I don’t know why men keep taking advantage of me. I trust them but they keep hurting me so bad. Sandra. Dear Sandra, This is because you keep making the same silly mistakes. At 44, you ought to have been wiser by now. The truth is; you have become too desperate to reason rationally as well as look beyond the images of the men that present themselves to you. It will only get worse until you are ready to bridle your emotions sufficiently to look deeper into the motive and interest of any man that comes your way. Not every man that comes your way with the plate of love is sincere. Being rich and successful, you will always be a prey to men in search for women to flea on. Your age has made you even more vulnerable for me with ulterior motives; the reason you shouldn’t listen to your heart alone when these men come your way. Women are not the only ones out to dupe men; these days, a lot of men are out to rob women of their money and emotions too. One of the ways to end all these is to create for yourself, a family. At 44, you have every reason to worry about your loneliness and emptiness as a woman. These feelings will only get worse as the years roll by; especially during those cold nights and days when you wonder to whose benefit your working yourself out for? Not matter how strong willed a woman is; the question of someone to call her own is one, single women without children ask themselves from time to time. This is the kernel of your series of disappointment. When a woman thinks her hormones are about to expire, she becomes so desperate that she forgets to be careful. This is the stage you are in now. Else, why would you accept and marry a man you know next to nothing about; who claims he has not been married at 43? You didn’t stop there; you gave him N9m to pursue a business you didn’t even bother to investigate, calling to question your astuteness as a successful business woman. Why didn’t you send your sister or any other member of your family to conduct discreet investigations on his person and business? Before agreeing to marry him, who were his friends? What kinds of lifestyle did these friends maintain? No matter how vague his lifestyle was before meeting you, there would have been someone who could have given you one or two information about him. You didn’t bother because you wanted to marry. Unfortunately, you were the business he came to do in London. The best revenge in life is to move on. Adopt a child to fill the loneliness in your heart and learn to love the child as your own. The presence of the child will help water down your frustration as well as dispel your loneliness. Between loving the child and caring for it, you will forget your own loneliness so much so any man that comes next into your life; will have to compete for your attention with the child. It will give you the time to assess him, his intentions and patience. Men who are out to dupe women don’t like obstacles because they lack the time to be patient. And because you now have a responsibility of your own, you will no longer be so willing to part with money. If the intention of the man is to fleece you of your hard earned money, once he isn’t getting it, he will move on to another woman who isn’t encumbered with your kind of responsibility. Besides, the presence of the child will give you back your sense of security as a woman; a situation that will make you extremely happy and protective of who you bring into your space for the sake of the child. Yes, you can report him to the police but don’t forget under the law, you are both married; under the law, it would be difficult to argue that your husband duped you. If he has a good lawyer, it could be argued that the money belongs to both of you. The evidences you claim to have aren’t criminal. They simply show that he withdrew money from your account with your consent; when did this become a criminal offence? He didn’t forge any document whatsoever. You will only be exposing yourself to more ridicule and emotional torture. Accept the fact that love is a game of chance which one either wins or loses. It is painful but it is the hard fact of life; time for you to count your losses by moving on with your life. Good luck.

He has a terrible temper

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this man who is interested in marrying me but who has a terrible temper. Sometime ago, he man-handled and threatened to beat me up. When I asked him later what happened to make him behave like that, he said something came over him. Should I marry him? Doris. Dear Doris, Marriage is a journey of a lifetime. It is more than a man and woman coming together to share each other’s space. Love alone cannot keep a marriage together; it takes much more than one reason for a couple to be happy together. A couple may be in love but if something isn’t right about their union or one of the partners is lacking in the etiquette of living with another person in addition to lacking in respect for the feelings of the other party, love soon vacates the relationship as a result of being taken for granted. One of the greatest causes of broken homes is a bad temper. It breaks not just the physical bond but also the spiritual. This is because the spirit of anger destroys everything that makes marriage successful; like an erupting volcano, its lava burns deep into the skin. Often than not, the scare of a bad temper never heals. If at this stage of your relationship he is unable to control his temper, has already started showing his dangerous fangs what would it be like when the relationship is older? The reason we get married is to share companionship and to have a friend in one’s life, especially when one is old and grey. There is no companionship in a violent heart or place. Besides a bad temper is also self destructive; makes it impossible for the affected person after a while to attract sympathy or help from friends and people. Being a woman, your mind and body need peace to function in its full capacity. The woman’s body cannot fulfill its optimum function of procreation if the atmosphere isn’t right for it. A lot of women suffer miscarriages or have problems getting pregnant as a result of the kinds of pressures they are facing from their ill-tempered husbands. Sizeable numbers of women too have died as a result of injuries sustained during domestic violence in their homes. An angry man is an irrational person; being stronger, the anger of some men has prompted them to kill their wives unknowingly. Severally, these men attribute their behaviors to unknown forces: forces beyond their comprehension and control. This is because anger is a spirit that needs the spirit of awareness and determination to conquer. The person with the temper must first be aware of the danger it presents to him and those around him as well as grow the concomitant determination to overcome it. Often than not, the children are the ones who suffer the most. Apart from being daily witnesses to their father and mother fighting, they end up becoming damaged emotionally as well as psychologically; unable to love or appreciate one when given. This is also the danger of them becoming clones of their parents in their own marriages. In some cases, the children become so cynical that they loathe the institution called marriage. The girls either decide to play the field or become single mothers in their bid to escape becoming punch bags of any man. In certain instances, such children, have been known to develop strange sexual habits, like lesbianism or gay to insulate themselves from having marriages like the ones of their parents. These are social fall outs of domestic violence. For these reasons you must be careful who you partner with in life; not just for her sake but that of your children too. Therefore, you should ask yourself the reason you want to marry generally and this man in particular? Is it for the fun of it? That your friends are all getting married or to have a fulfilling life, one in which you are treated like a queen? The tragedy of marrying for the fun of is the dismay that comes after the wedding ceremony. Gladly, this man hasn’t been able to mask his weakness, which gives you a clear picture of the kind of life you will be living with him should you marry him. Ignoring this aspect of him is to mortgage your happiness since there is no telling when that thing will make him go very violent. It also gives you time to plan and review so many things you never once thought were important to your choice of a man. To settle for this man is to marry without plans and for the reason of pleasing others. This aspect of him should make you go further into his person, life as well as those of his family. It is also a call up time for you to look into your own life. What kind of man and marriage do you want? What kinds of challenges do you have the stamina to cope with? And what kinds will you run away from? I ask these because some women think violence is macho and appealing. They actually go out of their ways to find a man who has the tendency to violate them. While the rest of the world, think they are psycho, these category of women cannot have it any other way. To ask these women not to marry this kind of a man would be doing a disservice to them despite the disadvantages I outlined earlier. If you are in this category, notwithstanding what the rest of the world thinks, you are at liberty to go ahead but be clear that you have to work extra hard to make it work between the two of you. It will take lots of prayers, ability to ignore as well as avoid his temper to make it work. It is also a journey of wisdom for you to channel his temper to where it will be useful to you. Some women prefer such displays in an intimate setting. It is also important you know from this early beginning what brings on his temper; is it from something that you do or say? Are you the kind of woman who makes him feel less than the man he is? Sometimes, something in the way a woman behaves brings out the temper in a man who isn’t as secured with the world. Actually some men have found themselves becoming wife beaters by accident often instigated by the domineering attitude of the women they have found themselves with or as a result of her inability to culture her mouth. Although not an excuse for any man to lay his finger on his wife, it will help you discover and prepare yourself for your next relationship if you are very honest with who you are. Even a saint can be provoked into violence when the situation isn’t right. Whatever you eventually decide to do with your existing relationship, use the opportunity provided by his attitude towards you to manage your future relationship. This is because life is a learning process. Everything that happens is meant to teach us a lesson, which unfortunately many people are ignorant of. This man may just have chanced into your life to help you get your acts together, warn you at the inherent dangers embossed in some of the decisions you are taking now or have taken. Honestly, the decision is yours to make. But be sure you are very explicit in your vision to avoid regrets you will never stop having in future. Don’t delude yourself over your ability to cope or otherwise. Be very honest with yourself. Once you able to sort this out within yourself, you will know without being told what steps you should take in this matter. This kind of decision isn’t one anybody can make for you because it bothers on something very precious to you. Besides, you are the one who wears the shoes, made the decision in the first place to date him and still dating him despite this huge flaw in his person. The truth of the matter is when situation like this occurs and our minds are made up, we often don’t ask the opinion of others before doing what we want to do. Asking for advice on it, means you still care. The real question is, can you cope with him or not? Once you are able to answer this question will all certainty, you will know what to do. Good luck

I caught her with another man

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 45 years of age while my wife is 27 years old. We started living as man and wife a year ago but I have been the one responsible for her secondary and university education. She finished her youth service two years ago. While she was in school, she didn’t allow me come close to her because she claimed to be a virgin. Before I took on the responsibility of paying her school fees, I met with the parents and some members of her family who collected the bride price and other things required for traditional marriage from me. She was there and agreed to everything. When she finished her secondary school education, with her consent every other thing we didn’t do when she was much younger was completed. We even did the wine carrying. Because I had plans for her, I didn’t try to force enforce my rights as tradition demands after such ceremony. While in year one, her father forced us to go to the registry. He said he wanted things done properly. We agreed that the church wedding will be done after she graduated. This we did before she went for her youth service. That night when I demanded to sleep with her, she said she was having her period so I allowed her be. She left for orientation camp almost immediately. Since she was posted to the North, she didn’t bother to come home for the whole year claiming it was too far for her. When I asked to come, she declined that it was not advisable for me to, because of Sharia. Because of my age, I ignored many signs I was seeing as well as the things people were saying about her. even when I knew she was lying about being a virgin, I played along with her because of the story of my life. I have never been lucky with women. It has always been one disappointment or the other, despite being the best looking and most successful among my friends, I am the one who has the most challenge in my relationships. If the women don’t leave me for other men; sometimes my so called friends, they end up disappearing with my money or car. Fed up, I went in search for spiritual help and discovered that my stepmother was behind my problems. She wanted to hit back at me for my father’s perceived sins. This informed my reason to train and marry my wife. When she finally allowed me to sleep with her, I discovered she wasn’t a virgin; she came up with so many excuses but I told her not to bother. I have seen and went through worst things in the hands of women. Just at the time I was beginning to think my problems were over, I ran into her in a guest house with a man. I was there in company of my business associates. Only three weeks before the incident she told me she was four weeks pregnant. Since the incident, she has been begging me to forgive her. She has sworn with everything, including the Bible that the pregnancy is mine and that since marrying me, it was the first time she has been unfaithful to me. She confessed that the man I saw her with was the man who deflowered her and the one she dated all through her university years. that they agreed to meet on that day to discuss the problem he was having with his wife to be only for them to end up in the room. Her parents and family, she told the incident are all begging me to forgive her. the pastor too has joined his voice in pleading with me. He said, if I am able to forgive her, a lot of things will change in my life that she was programmed to behave that way so that I can continue to be unhappy. I have really come to love her in the one year we have been together. she is very respectful, loving and caring but can I ever trust her to tell the truth? First, she lied about her virginity and now this! I am so confused. Please help me. I am the only child of my mother for my father. I don’t have anyone but you to turn to. Feyinti. Dear Feyinti, Life has a way of presenting us with a bouquet of thorny choices; impossible to run away from. There is no avoiding making a choice in this matter. You either ask her to go, given the gravity of what she has done or trust in your love for her by forgiving her. Ending the marriage appears the easy option but deep down will it make you happy? Whatever anybody says, your own happiness is what is important here. No doubt, seeing the evidence of her infidelity is enough reason for you to turn deaf ears to the pleas of everybody including that of your pastor. And indeed if you look back at the past, the things you have been through before you got to this point, you may want to submit to the natural urge to send her packing especially if you remember the lie she told you about being a virgin. Even if you didn’t say it, it is human to think she is taking you for granted and will again do something greater than those she has done already. Given what she has done, you have every right to withdraw your trust. If you do, nobody will begrudge you or call you harsh and unreasonable. But, in some way, you too remotely share in the blame. There are times when silence isn’t golden. Even if you didn’t want to take the matter of her virginity too far, you should still have discussed it the moment you discovered; you should have also told her all your suspicions and the reasons you ignored them. You should have used that opportunity to share your past with her and the reason you would not want to be hurt by her. Without you issuing threat; that talk would have sent some chill down her spine, to make her sit up. Frankly that refusal to discuss the first lie in a way contributed to this new challenge. It is like a child who has been naughty. If the mother allows that child to escape with the behavior, next time, the child will do something worse than the first. Because of the things you have experienced in the hands of other women you preferred to die in silence than risk giving her a piece of your mind. No marriage works that way. Irrespective of whatever happened in the past, learn to be in charge. Don’t ever let fear permeate your sound reasoning. The rule of every successful marriage is to boldly address all thorny issues as they come. When there is the need to express anger, don’t mask your true feeling with a smile; it has its implication. That you are thrashing out a vexing issue doesn’t mean the marriage is ending or is having problems; far from it. Instead, it is a sign that the couple is determined to make it work. Now that this has happened, it is essential for both of you to talk as a couple. Let her understand your person, experience your anger and confusion over how to thread on this issue. Let her know that the issue here, is not taking her back but, the trust she has murdered twice within a year of your living together as a couple. Tell her to advice you on how to proceed especially if she were in your shoes. The idea is to make her sweat for her forgiveness as well as make her understand the gravity of the situation at hand. Most especially as it has to do with the paternity of the child she is carrying in her womb. Even if you believe her, asking her to defend the ownership of the pregnancy will also help her realize the gravity of what she has done. No woman likes the paternity of her child questioned, especially by the father of the child. In addition, you have to also factor in the spiritual angle to this whole thing. If true your stepmother is determined to make you suffer for the sins of your father against her, there is no telling the length she will go to make her wish come true. Since she obviously couldn’t stop your financial prosperity or your being married against her wish, she will always be sourcing different ways to make you suffer and be unhappy. Because marriage is everlasting, one that is elastic enough to overcome betrayal, disappointment as well as pains; you and your wife must talk first. Insist she tells you everything there is to tell you about her life as well as her relationship with the other man. If he is still around her, ask her what she wants. Failure, to deal with the presence of this other man in her life will always hunt you and the marriage. She has to come out to say how she feels about you as well as her wish especially concerning the other man. If she wants the other man, best you allow her go before she does more harm to you. As for the child, you both can reach an agreement. But if she gives the assurance that the man is out of her life; believe her and allow the matter rest. Involving her family in her mess; to beg you shows the depth of her regrets. The truth is, no marriage is perfect. Ironically, it is this imperfection that gives marriage its unique character. There is no sin, true love cannot forgive in a marriage or relationship. It is a matter of know what is important to you. Good luck.

Do I forgive him?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, You are doing a good job. God bless you for being there for us. About 10 years ago, while at the university, there was this boy I dated. I left him due to his cruel nature. Many times he would beat me for no just cause. His violence was legendary that the landlord of the apartment we shared had to beat him on the day he stripped me right in front of every body for daring to talk back to him when he brought another woman to the apartment. When I made up my mind to leave him, I discovered I was pregnant. I tried to abort it but it just refused to be aborted. When I went back to the doctor who performed the abortion, he was very surprised to discover the fetus was still there. He advised me not to tamper with the pregnancy if I valued my life. Not done with my attempt to terminate the pregnancy, I went to see another doctor who after examining me told me not to risk it as the child was delicately positioned and that any attempt to touch it could lead to my death. Left with no choice, I informed him about the verdict of the doctors. Though I wasn’t expecting much from him but I didn’t envisage the kind of violence and profanities he uttered at the news. His mother when I went to her too drove me away insisting I should get rid of the baby because she wasn’t ready to be a grandmother now. It wasn’t easy at first but I eventually was able to cope with my pregnancy and studies. My mother although didn’t reject me but she kept her distance so I was left alone to care for my child. I would back my child to school and during examinations, friends would take turns in caring for her. Fortunately she didn’t cry and was such a lively baby which made things very easy for me to manage. I was also very lucky to be retained in the bank I served so my child and I had an easy start in life. Because of the way I was treated, I have respectfully kept my distance from my family members. I only go home when it is absolutely unavoidable and even at that I leave almost immediately to avoid any form of interactions with anybody. I had to go home for my sister’s traditional marriage following my father’s summons. Because of the situation between me and them, my sister didn’t deem it fit to inform of her wedding herself let alone bring the man in question to my house. It was not until that day that I discovered the identity of her husband to be. He turned out to be the father of my daughter. I was so shocked by everything happening because I recall introducing this same man to my parents when we were in school. Well, when it was being suggested that I was envious of my sister and out to destroy her, I quietly left the scene with my daughter. I didn’t bother to go for the white wedding or ask them how they were faring because I was hurt, embarrassed by the whole incident. I didn’t know anything about them or what challenges they were going through until I got a call from my mother that she would like to come to the house to see me. I obliged her since I had gotten over the pains of everything that happened to me. I didn’t know what to make of her visit though. Three years had passed without anyone of them talking to me. Even when I call my parents, they would refuse to pick my call so I stopped calling them but never stopped playing my role as a daughter by sending them their monthly allowances. She didn’t come alone. She came in company of my father, my sister and her husband as well as his mother. They came to beg me to forgive and forget the past because everywhere they had been to seek assistance into their childlessness challenge it was revealed thaat their plight was due to the fact he offended me and that I should pray and forgive. That was the easy part of it all. Agatha, what I don’t understand and which is bothering me is the fact that I am expected to live with him as his wife before he can ever father a child. I found the whole thing very funny that I drove them away from my house. That was last year. He and his mother have been coming to my house to beg me. my sister has since left him and, only recently at a crusade in my church, the pastor who came for the programme called me out to repeat the same thing. He said, just as the father of my child can’t marry anyone so also would it be difficult for me to be happy with any other man. He went on to say, God wanted to use the situation to teach him a lesson. Sincerely, I am confused. I don’t love him anymore. Besides I have remodeled my life in such a way it has only space for my daughter and I. My experiences with him are very bitter ones. What child would he have come back to if I had terminated it and who would the mother have come to if I had died while trying to abort the child? I don’t think I can live with him for one second. A friend of mine advised I reconsider going by the other disappointments I have experienced after his. I am so confused. Please help me because I don’t have anyone to go to. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, If that is where God wants you to be there is arguing the reason with the one who made you and knows what He wants for you. Rather than delay God’s plans for you, why not on your own seek Him? There is no situation we are going through that isn’t known to God. He sees the end from the beginning and deliberately allows us go through challenging situations to refine us for greater challenges. He isn’t unaware of what happened between the two of you. Don’t forget that you also tried to terminate the life of this child you hold so precious. In a way you also rejected the child like her father and grandmother did. Had God allowed it to happen, you too would have been guilty of the things you are now accusing them of. God gave you the grace to look after that child, favored you with a good job to enable you guard His plans for you and that child. Our God is a forgiving God. Don’t allow whatever happened in the past to eny you of happiness and peace of mind. Good luck.

Marriage: A reason beyond us

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Readers, As promised last week, as part of the commemoration of my 50th birthday on the 24th of this month, I will be going into clinic to discuss the marriage institution. Although we daily talk about it, I have discovered that the institution is still veiled in so many myths, misconceptions as well as confusion. Isn’t it funny that an institution meant to bestow happiness and emotional fulfillment on the human race ends up being the source of so much misery and pains? Right from the very beginning of the world, God encapsulated the continuity of the world in the tenets of procreation; which means, the survival of the world is fuelled by relationships. Whatever the age, any form of relationship is required to be healthy. No one can survive the harshness, struggles, and loneliness of the world without the presence of another person. Even man and the environment depend on each other to make the world a safe place to be. The essence of this can be better appreciated when nature revolts against man; the result is man dying in their thousands from natural disasters like the floods and hurricanes we are currently experiencing across the world. Therefore, the concept of marriage, takes its root from, who and what we are to the various environments we live in. Just as the various habitants of earth cannot survive the anger of nature, man and woman need each other to form a healthy existence. But like every game and partnership, there are ground rules to peaceful co-existence of all parties to an agreement. For instance, nature will treat man right if only man recognises his natural bounds. As can be seen, the floods and natural disasters being experienced across the globe is the failure of man to abide by the dictates of his relationship with Mother Nature, for instance building houses and structures in the natural waterways or through productions of nuclear weapons that daily upset the ecological order of things. The intermittent revolt of nature across the world against man and animals is to provoke man into taking a deeper look into his own relationship with those around him. Many of these natural disasters will be averted if man learns to understand and respect the environment he finds himself at all times. This insensitivity and failure of man to appreciate the rights of others, are what we take into our relationships and the reason many marriages are today in grave danger of extinction. So many promising relationships have gone down the drain simply because the other party is too busy feeling important or through sheer ignorance of how to handle certain issues. For any kind of relationship to survive, parties to it must first learn to invest selflessness and wisdom. Every party to a relationship should recognise the different roles of the other and learn to respect these positions. Had Eve recognised the role and position of Adam in their marriage, she would first have consulted him when the serpent came with its bag of tricks aimed at derailing the plans of God for man. Her refusal to acknowledge Adam as the powerbase of their relationship cost both of them and the entire human race our positions in paradise. Rather than walk to paradise, we have to work tirelessly to even get close to it. This is what happens when the wrong factors are played up in a marriage or relationship. Unfortunately, men and women are replicating the same mistake Eve made in the Garden of Eden in the matter of who is in charge as well as who they go into relationship with. Many a time wrong or worthless considerations are played up to the destruction of more fundamental issues. It is not uncommon for parents to pressure their sons and daughters into marriages based on business consideration or financial blessings. A lot of young men and women have ended up with psychological problems due to their failures to properly initialise their relationships long before they even meet the right person. Just like a kindergarten child, every marriage needs the right foundation to peg a relationship. It begins from the nascent moments of life. Our gene is wired by nature to continue the human race hence, whether we know it or not, want it or not, once a child is old enough to recognise its environment, it begins to gravitate towards a member of the opposite gender. The evidence of this is seen in the innocent play of babies. The male toddler’s face lights up in excitement when he sights a female toddler; while she giggles in soft tones reminiscent of the grown up woman’s smile when she meets an admirer. The cycle of life is an amazing intricate web that begins to reinvent itself almost immediately a new life is born. Unfortunately, we are oblivious of the necessity to be conscious of our destiny when making important decisions in life. The primitive gene in us, though has the answer to all the problems in our lives, man through a complete lack of understanding of what life is, looks everywhere but the right place – the heart – for solutions to emotional challenges. Like the mustard seed, a successful relationship/marriage begins with the right feeling and positive thought. For the feeling to yield encouraging roots, it has to be watered with honesty and the right kinds of emotional nutrients. The foundation of a successful relationship/marriage begins from the kinds of examples children are exposed to in their homes. If a child is exposed to love, tolerance and understanding in the marriage of his or her parents, the first and vital lesson is learnt by the child through the example he or she sees, that marriage is a process of sacrifice and respect. But, if a child on the other hand is given the example of a violent marriage, irresponsible father, a nagging as well as abusive mother, these examples go with the child into adulthood and marriage. A materialist and party-loving mother through her example, teaches her daughter to look at the material values of a man rather than the potentials of a man. It will be difficult for such a lady to ever appreciate a struggling and promising man in her life. The same way a highly spiritual woman points her daughter in the direction to go. Except the grace of God is upon a child, the son of a deceitful casanova and drug addict father is bound to take on some of his father’s negative influences. Our childhood exposures are like our skin, they can never be taken off. Often than not, most children pattern their marriages after the ones they grew in. Only in some very rare cases, do children insist on having their dreams. This is why more and more marriages are hitting the rocks. Many couples are ignorantly importing marital issues of their parents into their own marriages; this is in addition to the natural challenges of two complete strangers coming together to make a home. Therefore even before they begin to have their own problems, they already have the challenges from their parents’ marriages to contend with; a sure recipe for confusion, disappointment and frustration in a new marriage. Is it any wonder more and more young couples are throwing in the towel even before the foundation of the marriage has a chance to form? Life is like a river. It brings the past, present and future together. The water from the past always flows into the present and takes it to the future. We cannot escape who we are or the influences of our nascent years. For this reason, parents wishing for their children to have happy homes must be careful of the kinds of baton they are handing over to them. As the first teacher, the imperative thing is on parents to redefine their own marriage, if not for their sakes but in the interest of the children they have brought into the world. This will help in no small way to lessen the rising tide of broken homes. The desire of every parent is to see his or her child happy. This desire shouldn’t stop as a mere wish; it must be followed with a steel clad determination. Giving the child premium academic education is not all that we are required as earthly guardians to do; we are also under obligations to ensure they go into the only institution instituted by God Himself, with the right credentials.

How do I make him happy?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please, I want you to educate me on how to make my husband happy; that is, to stop him from having other women in his life. He is a driver and comes home late. Severally, I have seen strange numbers on his phone. Once he knows I have the correct information about a particular woman in his life, he leaves her for another one. Determined Wife. Dear Determined Wife, If you want to be happy in your marriage, learn to develop a very tough skin against some things in his life. The reality of the matter is, no matter how much we women want our men to be faithful to us, a lot of them will never be; they are polygamist in nature. Fighting them over a woman or making yourself unhappy over the presence of another woman in your man’s life is like pouring water on the back of a duck. It will not have any effect on him. You can only make him happy if you are determined to give yourself happiness and peace of mind. This is because what you don’t have, you can’t give. Happiness radiates from within. The truth is, he has always been like this so it isn’t exactly what you are doing wrong that is driving him into the arms of all the other women. Granted at times the behavior of a woman can drive the husband into the waiting arms of another woman; it won’t be a habit with him if he doesn’t have it in him. Such men usually stick to a particular woman outside their marriages, but in a situation where the women are many, it is a habit with the man. Frankly, this is where you should draw the strength to be happy from. His attitude shows none of these women has the stamina or qualities to hold him down for long. At the time he met you, you were probably one of the women but seeing the enduring qualities in you, decided to make you his wife. This is the advantage you have over all the other women he decorates his life with. Therefore for this reason, learn to be at peace with yourself and marriage by pretending not to notice all the others who flock around him. To complain about it now is to lie about your knowledge of this other side of him at the point you accepted his proposal. You like most women, probably thought you could change him. There is no way a man with his kind of passion for women would have been able to disguise this fact from you. One of the ways to be happy is to stop prying into his phone. Just make up your mind to address yourself to his needs when he is with you and the children. You are his wife despite everything; that should give you sufficient security in your marriage as well as relationship with him. As for the other women; regard them as non-issues, toys, he will soon get tired of. To make it easier for you to cope, see this habit of his as a fashion fad that will soon fade. There is no fashion trend that doesn’t expire. He is at that age and when it is time for him to come home fully to you; something will beat him back home. By the time he is unable to cope, attract the women the way he used to, get dumped repeatedly for more attractive and financially viable men, you won’t need to fight him before he comes back home. You will only be giving him a reason to stay out the more if you insist on going through his things or questioning him about the names on his phone or his messages. Adopt the confidence of a woman who knows no other woman can drive her away from her marriage; that none of these women is good enough for him. Develop the emotional well-being to make your nest very tempting for him to always want to come back to. Instead of making yourself unhappy about his lateness and his women, create a distraction for yourself by developing a hobby aimed at taking your mind off the obvious. It could be reading a book, learning to cook better or sew, make hair or anything you have always wanted to do. This is a kind of therapy that helps take the mind off pressing matters of the heart. The more you allow your dream to grow, the happier you are and able to cope with other things. Follow this by making up your mind to study him better; this way, you will discover certain things you didn’t know about him and yourself. For instance, how many times have you sat him down to question him about his views on your performance as a wife, woman and mother? In your years of marriage, how many times have you complimented his looks, praised his efforts as a husband, father and man? How many times have you deliberately carved out time for intimacy between the two of you or offered to take him out on a date? One thing I have found out about the other woman; is her sense of adventure and the boldness to do what the woman in the house will never dare to do. Furthermore, how many times have you done the unthinkable of playing the role of his girlfriend? Marriage isn’t a closed book. It is as dynamic as life itself. Often time, we get the much fun we invest in it. No doubt some men are difficult, almost impossible to please but a wise woman can use that one time he lets down his guard and emotion to make a quick conquest. There is no man resistant to the seduction of a determined woman especially if that woman is his wife. In the intimacy of your bedroom, give him a performance that will erase whatever he is getting outside. You are a woman and his wife, what are you protecting by pretending not to want or know the ways of a man and woman? The rhythm of the music of time, is one every woman honest with herself knows because it is wired into the gene from the Creator. You must be able to discuss without shame or reservation about the quality of your sex life with him. This is one of the secrets the woman outside employs to ensnare the married man. Her easy and deep understanding of the power of a woman makes her a very attractive option to the man who is forever looking for excitement. A lot of time, the inability of the woman at home to upgrade, encourages the man to continue to engage his mistress and at times confiding his innermost secrets in her. If a man gets good sex, good food, a clean and peaceful environment; his heart will never be far from that place. By getting him to grade your performances as a woman and wife, you would be giving the two of you the opportunity to come to a better understanding of the reason you are together; it will also help you create a culture of effective communication in your marriage. There is nothing as powerful and intimate as being able to discuss as a couple. It is a rare gift that helps couples overcome challenges as yours. No matter how tough the mien of a man is, he is always seeking for a special friend he can unburden himself to. It will do you a lot of good to seek help from the past, in those early days in your relationship when you couldn’t stop telling each other everything that happened. Try everything to bring back those days when you could practically talk about anything. There is no end to tolerance, patience, wisdom and open ability to flirt with him even in the presence of his friends and children. When he comes home, no matter the time, don’t nag; rather prepare yourself for him. Feed him, romance him and allow him to feel like the man he is. With prayers, there is nothing that cannot be achieved. Even when he doesn’t feel like talking, allow him the peace he desires but be near him. No matter how hurt you are by his reaction to you, don’t give in to anger. Remember he has a reason for marrying you in the first place but has forgotten as a result of the many challenges inherent in the process of keeping a marriage, home and earning a living. By refusing to be angry, you are helping him to recall that very reason. Also, a good wife prays her husband into success, happiness and peace. Don’t ever bother him; just continue to pray for him. Good luck.

Am I still a virgin at 12 years of age?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I know at the age of 12, I am not supposed to have a boyfriend who is 18 years of age. I am currently in JSS 2. I have a boyfriend and don’t know if I should call off the relationship or not. I really didn’t plan to have a relationship at my age. We live in different parts of the country and got connected through the Newspapers; though my number got into the newspaper by mistake. Unlike other boys who called talking frivolities on the phone, he was different. He offered me encouragement and told me of the need to face my studies. I really don’t want to get involved with any man until I am 16. When I brought up the issue of whether he has had sex before, he told me not to even think about sex. Agatha, please I now want to think about it because at a very tender age, I was involved in sex. I want to know if I am still a virgin. Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, Were you abused as a child or did you go into it of your own accord? If you were abused by someone you know, even under the law at your age, you and your parents can still prosecute the man. This is because his act has damaged you psychologically as well as sexually for the man you want to marry. The fact that you are already having boyfriend at 12 is enough reason for such a man to face the full wrath of the law. But something tells me from the tone of your letter, that your curiosity did get the better of you at the time you decided to experiment with this very adult game. It is clear you have gotten yourself involved in a league far above your years, experience and knowledge. Even at your proposed age of 16 years, you will still be too young to engage in the activities you have started to enjoy. The journey you have embarked on is a very dangerous one that has the ability to totally consume you even before you know what is happening to you. A woman’s life is departmentalized into three categories. Each stage in the life of the woman is to help her become responsible and gain full advantage of her body as desired by God. Every woman at birth comes with all her eggs, everything she needs to become a mother. All she needs are the right nutrients to help her develop well and healthy for the task of child bearing. The premenstrual stage of a woman’s life is when her body reproductive organs and body grow into maturity. When a young girl begins to have sex before her body matures, she risks damage to some sensitive organs inside her body. For instance, the pressure of a man’s organ inside her body could cause extensive damage to her bladder which is why some young girls end up suffering from Vesico Vaginal Fistula . This comes about when a young premature girl either begins to have sex early or she gets pregnant and in the process of childbirth, her still tender bladder gets damaged. Also, premature sex could have delayed medical consequencs in the life of the young woman; the very reason you must be careful of the kind of lifestyle you are about to adopt. At 12, your life has not even started at all. Therefore, whatever you are doing with this man or have done with any other man should be left in the past. Your life is more important than whatever sensual feelings you have for any other man. What if you get pregnant at your age? What would become of you and your plans to be successful in life? How would you feel if you see other young girls like you going to school making a huge success of their lives while you are a mother? Some young girls have been known to get pregnant at the onset of their first ovulation. Because they have never had a menstruation, there is no way for them to know they are pregnant until it is too late. Besides, there are so many emotional and spiritual implications for a woman especially a young one like you who is ignorant in the ways of men and women. Today, so many women are suffering from childlessness, troubled lives and are emotionally unstable as a result of the kinds of men they slept with and the choices they made with these men. Sex itself is a strong kind of covenant between a man and woman. By the time you are ready to marry, you would have entered too many unholy covenants with so many men than you care to remember. And by the time you start experiencing some challenges, you won’t know where to look for solutions. There is also the issue of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). Some of these diseases do not begin to manifest until they have gone into their tertiary stages, the dangerous state when treatment is almost impossible. In addition to Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS), there are the more deadly syphilis and Hepatitis. Although gonorrhea is generally thought to be the milder of the STDs, the female body can conceal the presence of the infection until it is too late. The same thing applies to many of the STDs when it comes to the women. Unlike men whose early detection of the presence of these diseases in their bodies help them seek urgent medical attention, women because of the internal position of their reproductive organs often go unnoticed until at advanced stages. Gladly the new man in your life appears reasonable; asking you not to contemplate sex at your age showcases him as one who has plans. But because a lot of things can go wrong; turn a man’s good intentions for a woman to bad ones, discontinue contact with him. When the time is right for you to begin having relationships with men, if he is still around, then God has planned him into your life. On the issue of being a virgin; once your seal is broken, there is no replacing it. It has gone forever. A woman can only be deflowered once in her lifetime. So if you have had sex or experienced any kind of deep penetration be it fingers or otherwise; chances are you might have lost your virginity. The only way to confirm whether you are a virgin or not, is through the process of medical examination. There is no way your number could have gotten to the Newspaper House by mistake if you didn’t give it to them. If you didn’t give it to them, you reserve the right to query the media house as to how they came about your number. So the idea that you didn’t give it to them is a lie. But beyond that, is the issue of your own perspective to life. What are your dreams for yourself? What and who do you want to be in life? Your age is the time, people plan their lives; have dreams to pursue in their teenage and youthful years. If your dream now is to have a boyfriend, it will be very difficult for you to do anything else with your life because men to a child your age is a huge distraction; one you don’t need and which you will forever regret. That you are in JSS2 is an encouragement that you have what it takes to make it in life if only you know how to set your priorities. For the sake of your future as well as the children you will have one day, strive to apply the brakes, if not for your sake but for the sake of the children you plan some day. This is especially because of the daughters you will have; so they don’t think your ways and choices are the best for them. Since the awareness of sex has been created; telling you not to go into it is rather belated but you can help yourself with the same measure of interest you have in sex to buy back your future. It is a simple matter of channeling your interest into a more positive area; one that will help you come to terms with your own usefulness to yourself as well as the society. Your life is worth more than you are willing to give it. If you are in Lagos, please find the time to come to our office, Independent Newspapers, 7d Wempco Road, Ogba, Ikeja Lagos I really want to talk to you. If live outside Lagos, send a text, I will call you so we can have a mother-daughter talk. Good luck.

She says her heart belongs to another man

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your good work to humanity. May God, who knows your contributions, reward you adequately. The problem is my girlfriend; we met five years ago when I was in my first year at the university. I have since concluded my national youth service. She works as a computer operator. During all these years, I have been the one making all the calls, sending her credit as well as gifts. She has never called me with the credit I send her. Recently, I applied for a visa to travel out of the country, two days to my departure date, I invited her over to my place, we discussed, and I told her of my plans to leave very soon. I asked if she has any other man apart from me, in her life, she told me about one man she knew before she met me. According to her, he is based in Kaduna and only comes home at Christmas; I accepted her explanations because of my unconditional love for her. Unfortunately, my father died before I could travel so, decided to suspend my travel plans to bury my father One Saturday, I called her and she told me she was going to Enugu to help a friend prepare for an event; I said it was okay but I was surprised when she sent me a text message later that night, to say it was over between us. According to the message she sent, she said I have caused her so much pains and that she has been avoiding me for the four years we dated because she never loved me. She revealed that her heart belongs to her boyfriend in Kaduna. She ended her message with the appreciation for all I have done for her. I was both baffled and angry so I called her to ask how I have hurt her. You can imagine my pains when a man, the same one she said lives in Kaduna took my call. He wanted to know the nature of my relationship with her. I didn’t bother to answer him instead, I cut off the conversation. To be candid with you, I had plans to marry this girl. I love her with everything that is me and have had no interest in any other woman since meeting her. To worsen things, she failed to attend my father’s burial ceremony. Her reasons, that, I will not accept her presence at the ceremony. Agatha, you are the one who can correctly advice me. Ejike. Dear Ejike, She has made her stance clear; she has someone else in her life. There is nothing you can do but to move on with your life. It is painful, no doubt, but if you weren’t too blinded by your love for her, you should have suspected the quality of her feelings for you through her behavior. The warmth of a woman’s feelings for a man is often in the way she relates to the man. While a woman can pretend all she wants about her feelings for a particular man, a smart man can always tell from the way she responds to him; the occasional out-burst as well as irritations she cannot control when around him, the nature of her true feelings for him. In fairness to her, she left you a huge clue that should have alerted you to her feelings for you. You are the one who has been doing all the callings even when you send her credits. The fact that she hasn’t for once bothered to call you, even when you send her credit should have told you that thoughts of you were far from her mind. She didn’t pretend rather, you ignored her subtle way of communicating the true state of her feelings to you. In that sense she didn’t betray you at all. The fact that she even told you about the man in her life, the one she knew before she met you, should also have made you probe further into the nature of her feelings for you. Some situations are planned by God to protect us from ourselves. If you had left before she made up her mind to tell you the truth, what would you have done, especially if you had gone announcing to your friends about your woman back home? In a way, she is a good girl because a more cunning woman, knowing how much you love her would have continued to play you for a fool until you are abroad and able to send her the elusive dollars. That she told you the truth about her feelings for you; shows she isn’t materialist at all. For this reason, be grateful she didn’t keep you waiting for too long before opening up on her feelings. Besides, you assumed she wanted to marry her without first seeking her permission or input at all. The fact that you love her, doesn’t mean she must share your feelings, sentiments and thoughts. I am sure if you had bothered to ask her pointed questions about her feelings for you, she would have told you the truth given the way she has been treating your love. Since life itself is a mixed bag of pains, disappointments and joy, try to forget her but not the lessons you have learnt. Life is a process of learning always; this is necessary to avoid you making more mistakes with another woman. Time heals, no matter how deep the wound is. Next time, learn to discuss your plans and feelings with a woman first before making plans around her. Your assumption that she is yours must have caused her pains in her relationship with the other man. There is no way, your calls or messages would have gone unnoticed by the other man in her life who will naturally assume she is cheating on him. Because you are a presence that has refused to go, no matter how cold she treated you for five years, the other man must have quarreled with her a number of times over you. Whatever qualities that made you fall so helplessly in love with her, you can find in another woman. So, stop hurting yourself by moving on. Thankfully, you are set to travel; a change of environment works wonders for a broken heart. The trip and the attendant hassle of settling down will help you forget her. By the time you are ready to love again, ensure every mistake you made with her is corrected in your new relationship. Given what transpired between the two of you, there is no way she would have attended the burial ceremony of your father. For now, it would be best to stop calling her; if she expresses a desire to have you for a friend in her life, oblige her but, let the decision be hers to make. The fact that you both didn’t make it as lovers; doesn’t mean you both can’t still be friends. You cannot wish away five years of being friends. I am sure a lot of things will be clearer to you by the time you meet the woman God has designed for you. Good luck.

What must I do to marry?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your way of solving humanitarian problems. I am 29 years old and single. Please Agatha, what must I do to get married? Please I need your advice. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, One of the cardinal rules in life, is not to run beyond God’s plans for one’s life. At 29, you shouldn’t be too desperate as to want to do anything to get married. Life is a big field of different stages we have to go through before getting to the important one of them all. Before you begin to think of the kind of desperate thing you want to do to attract a husband, look at your past with a view of X-raying the things you might have done wrong. Our pass-card to the next level in life, is our plans for our own life. Until now, what kinds of plans have you nurtured for yourself especially the one that concerns your ideal man? What have you done with or to the men that came your way before you got to this point in your life? Did you give the any reason to want to stay? If they were to describe you, what would these men say about you? In most cases, we are our own problems through the choices we make in life. Only a visit to your past can give you the correct answer you seek in your current travails. In addition to praying for the right man, the particular one God designed for you, learn to be responsible, friendly, respectful and humble. In a man/woman relationship, patience is a virtue any day. A woman who isn’t ready to make painful sacrifices will find it difficult meeting or keeping a man in her life. Once you are clear about the kind of man who has what it takes to make you happy, get you going in life, follow up with the practical step of being friendly without appearing desperate. Dress responsible and follow your own desires, not the ones outlined by friends or family members. Once you learn to be truthful to yourself, a lot of things will be easier to accomplish. Good luck.

At 33, I don’t know my father

Dear Agatha, I am a 33-year-old lady born without the presence of a father to take good care of me. I don’t know how it all happened. I would have asked my mother what transpired between her and my father but she isn’t too disposed to answering questions about her relationship with my father. From what I gathered, she took up the responsibilities to care for me by herself. Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford to send me to school. She ignored the fact that I needed to have good education in life. Left with no choice, I had to go and stay with her sister at a tender age all because I desired to have a good education. I was brought to Lagos by this woman who cared so much for me but something happened to make her change dramatically towards me. I still don’t know what changed her to become so dramatically hostile to me. It got so bad she asked me to leave her house. Left with no choice, I went home to see my mother to demand for explanation. It was while at home she told me that someone in the church told her, a curse was placed on me. The voodoo is to make people hate me so much that I would be forced to return to the village. I was told to fast which I did. According to them, only the presence of my father can break the curse which is why I was told to fast for my mother to have a change of heart and take me to my father. To worsen matters my stepfather passed on leaving responsibilities too much for my mother to handle. Much as I would have loved to help, it is so painful that I am limited by my problems. Through self-help I sat for the General Certificate of’ Education (G.C.E) last year but my result has not been released till date. Please tell me what to do? The Bible says we should call upon God night and day for help. I know He is not in the habit of failing anyone who trusts in Him. Now there is this Indian man who wants me to come and work for him but he has placed some very difficult condition which I am uncomfortable with. He wants me to come and live with him in his house as his mistress. I don’t want to do that but I have no choice but to accept the offer. I may not have money but I don’t want to exchange my body for money because to me this is fornication? Please tell me what to do before I go into this relationship. Sincerely speaking, I am not be happy with the situation and wouldn’t want to offend God. my mother is refusing to introduce me to my father or his family. Till date, I don’t have any information concerning my father or his family; not even his name or that of his family. I have suffered so much and would not want to compromise my situation with God. I am of the belief he would make a way for me. I am so confused. Victoria. Dear Victoria, Your mother is the major architect of your problem. Why is she refusing to introduce you to your father or his family? Why is she allowing you go through this difficulty in life? Why did she stop your father from having access to you when she knows she is incapable of taking care of you or help you with information on how to better your life? What does she expect you to do in your current situation; sell your body to make ends meet? It is your right to know who your father is. At 33, you are more than old enough to be told who you father is. To continue to keep silent about his identity is to call to question her knowledge of who your father really is. This is the point you must emphasis when demanding from her to see your father. She must understand the emotional and spiritual trauma of you growing up without knowing the man whose sperm fathered you. Make her understand that whatever the issue was between them should not be allowed to mar your identity especially as you risk marrying any of your father’s relations or even your father for that matter out of ignorance. Let her also know that if she truly cares about you, she should be worried at the prophesy given in the church about the curse placed on you. If need be, go to her people or the leadership of the church to plead your case with her. She has to be made to appreciate that you are no longer a child but a full grown woman who ought to by now have settled and raising a family of her own. They should tell her there is no way you can move forward in life without her help in mending the crack she created in your foundation. Let them assure her that you won’t be offended or deny her as a mother if she tells you the truth concerning her past. Chances are, her refusal to tell you is fear of being rejected by you. Assure her that you understand that human beings are prone to mistakes, especially a young girl whose hormones are more than active or out of desperation for a better life, do certain things contrary to moral standards. Being a mother now, the fear of losing the respect you have for her by opening a chapter she considers closed for life. To get her to open up, you have to show a remarkable understanding and healthy respect for the decisions she took dating your father and for asking to keep you. To totally condemn her for would be totally wrong as you don’t have the experience of what motivated her decisions then. Besides, your condemnation may leave her a permanent prisoner of her conscience and guilt. Honestly at this stage, you won’t achieve much by fighting her. granted you have every reason to be angry, bitter but without you applying the much needed wisdom, it might be impossible for you to break her 33 year of silence. If she still refuses to tell you, there must be someone in her family who knows what happened in the past. Ask her siblings or relations. She must have someone who remembers her past, that can give you a clue into her past. The information may not be sufficient but it would be more than enough for you to go by. There is also the need for you to learn from her mistakes. Already, you are about to make the same mistake your mother made by going to live with a man whose intentions and desires for your body is obvious to you. What if he decides to force himself on you since you live all alone with him in his house? Would you blame him for doing what he has expressly told you he wanted? Do you think he would accept any responsibility for any child that comes from both of you sleeping together? To be candid with you, whether you like it or not, you are already in a relationship with him because it is only a matter of time before he gets what he wants from you as long as you live under his roof. No matter the hardship or confusion generated by your situation, accepting to live with him has compromised whatever moral standards you claim to have. In a way what you are facing should give you a little bit of understanding into the reasons for the choice your mother made back then even though it still doesn’t excuse her reasons for not telling you who your father is. Sincerely, living in your boss’ house isn’t an option at all. Instead appeal to him to help you look for a job elsewhere to take the pressure of you. Also learn to be focused and determined to succeed in life. If it would help, there are countless of women and men who have walked along this part before and are today huge success because they made the choice to rise above their situation in life. Every situation we find ourselves in life is intended to teach us how to be strong and in control of our situation. At 33, you should have overcame this situation had you been determined to. Nobody can do it for you, not even your mother. Whatever the curse maybe, it can be broken once you summon the will to help yourself. Are you saying if your mother had died before this revelation came up, you would have gone to her grave to give you the information about your father. Though it hurts not to know who you fully are, the fact remains that you have a father who is above all fathers, one who cannot change and always ready to help you anytime you ask for His assistance. Begin your journey towards self actualization by going for deliverance. Pray and ask God for direction on how to go about it. you need Him to lead you to a pastor He has equipped to deliver you. Honesty and complete trust in God are what you need to overcome your situation. As you have found out, even parents are capable of failing one so give yourself up completely to God because that is where your help comes from. Help yourself by checking on your own ways too because most times we are our very own enemies. If you haven’t done it already, don’t cheapen yourself by sleeping with this man. It isn’t worth it. Good luck.