His insincerity got me out of our fruitless marriage

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Many thanks for your sincere and unbiased way of advice to the public. I am a great fan of yours and would like to use this medium to seek your sincere advice. I have been with my partner for seven years. We have had our ups and downs, sometimes necessitating us breaking up but we have survived it all up to this point. In all these years, I have never been pregnant. Expectedly, I have consulted so many fertility experts, gone through several tests and confirmed by all these doctors as medically fit to procreate. After each test I would be told to ask my husband do a semen test. On each occasion he has refused to do it, saying it is God that gives children, and that we should be prayerful since it is the enemy at work. At a point I had to plead with his friends to help me persuade him to go and see a doctor. He bluntly refused. In 2008, left with no choice, I went to report him to his uncle who agreed to have a talk with him. He eventually agreed to see a doctor. He was told he has a very low sperm count, the kind that cannot be rectified medically and that the only way we can be parents is to go for artificial insemination. The doctor after his examination and verdict asked him if he didn’t know about his condition since we are based in Europe. Although he declined knowledge of his medical condition but the whole incident brought something up in my memory. I remember he was always saying each time I pressure him on the need to consult a medical doctor on the issue of our infertility he would say, doctors are in the habit of finding faults whenever he goes for complete medical tests. I became convinced that he knew all along that he was the one with the problem. He didn’t display any emotions of surprise or discomfort, instead when we got home, he made himself a delicious meal, eat it all while I was down worry about the piece of news we have just been offered by the doctor. I was worried with how we were going to save up the money for the option we have, but he didn’t seem to care at all. Despite this and other issues, I still decided to stay with him and by June last year, he paid my bride price. Agatha, deep down in me, I’m a sad woman. Mostly he seeks advice from his friends and family members because, in his opinion, I don’t like him by refusing to tell him things he wants to hear. We have lost large sums of money due to his negligence. Mostly his family members are taking advantage of this to siphon money from him. Mostly, they tell him to send them money for one spiritual consultations or the other. They are forever telling him about different messages from various pastors. Sincerely, I am getting fed up of everything. I am in my mid 30s and don’t know what the future holds for us as a couple. In February this year we had a minor disagreement and he almost strangulate me. So I walked out of the marriage. He told his families and friends loads of lies about me but later started pleading when he knew I wasn’t going to bug. I kept our breakup from my family members because I consider it something of a shame. Besides I didn’t want people blaming me for my decision. Recently, I had to confide in my mother pleading with me to go back to my husband that marriage is for better and worse. Having given him so many chances in the past with the hope that he will change what he was I suppose to do? Agatha, was I wrong to have walk out of the marriage? Was it my fault? I can’t stop blaming myself. Please help me, PP. Dear PP, More often than not it is easier to blame others for our own faults and shortcoming. No matter the situation between the two of you now, you made the choice to marry him last year. This is not the typical situation where you would claim ignorance of his attitude and person. You lived with him for about six years before he paid your bride price last year. Therefore you went into this marriage with your eyes wide opened. From the moment you agreed to have him pay your bride price in June last year, you unwittingly entered into an agreement with yourself and God to abide with his manner of person. It would have been a different case entirely if you didn’t know anything about him; wasn’t aware of his medical problem, habit of consulting his family and friends on matters that should ideally remain between the two of you. You knew all about this and still decided to marry him. Violence doesn’t manifest in a day. There is no way you can say this is his first time of violating you physically. It must be one of the things you know about him. If you didn’t protest then why now? Has it got anything to do with your knowledge of his medical problem or the fact that he knew all along and hide the fact from you? Honestly, I feel for you but there are a lot of issues tied to this situation you must critically examine before taking a final decision. The first is the complexity of marriage. As boyfriend and girlfriend, he could tolerate certain things from you, even endure some of your verbal attacks but as your husband, he now expects something more than that from you. He may not be willing to let go of his excesses but as his woman, he expects you to show him more respect. He may live abroad but his roots are firmly entrenched in the customs and traditions of his people. So be careful and mindful what you say to him or how you react. If you really want this marriage to succeed, you just must learn to be the woman while he the man. It isn’t about what you have done for him but what you both have done for each other. This is the marriage creed. This is the time for you to be very, very honest with yourself. Since knowing about his medical problem, how have you felt? Betrayed? Disappointed? Angry? Frustrated? Helpless? Don’t be ashamed to express your feelings because all these are natural. Except you are out to deceive yourself, you have gone through all these emotions and back. You probably have lost every respect for him as a man considering the emotional pains he subjected you to going through all those dehumanising medical examinations when he knew the truth all the while. You are only human if you behave rudely to him, less sensitive to his needs and lacking in respect for him. What you are going through is enough to make one behave out of character especially a woman whose biological clock is daily grinding to a halt. Out of these pains, you could have said one or two things to him to make him feel useless as a man; those things we women say when we are angry can make a man with his condition angry enough to want to kill the woman. Are you sure you didn’t out of the bitterness and seemingly helplessness of your situation say something to remind him of his inability to father a child the normal way? I am not saying it was right of him to get violent, but if you pause, rewind to that incident, can you honestly say you were not the harbinger of what happened that day? Bear in mind that this is also a very difficult time for him. In your presence, he doesn’t feel like a man anymore. He is battling with inner challenges and fear too that you now have a very good reason to leave him should you want to. Though extremely wrong, like a drowning man, he feels it is the only way to assert his authority as the head of the home. The panacea to dealing with this kind of problem in a marriage is first to allow the anger and frustration a free reign to flow. Don’t bottle up what you feel at all. Cry, shout, and allow all your feelings to come in the open. There is no stopping a raging storm from happening. Before you can see clearly, discuss your options with him, allow yourself to divest all those pent-up emotions to avoid you snapping at the slightest thing. Going home and refusing to discuss the results of the tests as well as your observations that he knew all these while isn’t a panacea. Both of you need to talk about all your fears immediately. Your current disagreement is the right opportunity to come out clean with all your anger and emotions. Let them come out. From your mail, it is obvious your disappointment in this man didn’t start today. Go back to the beginning. Don’t use cosmetic approach to solve this problem rather, be very realistic because what you fail to deal with now will never allow both of you have the desired happiness in this marriage. There is too much resentment for this man in your heart. It is only after you have done this, that you both can collectively discuss the future of the marriage as well as the options available to you. In all these, don’t ever forget the place of God, hence the need for you both to pray as a couple for divine answers. Have you also tried investigating his claims that his problem is spiritual? Only a closer relationship with God can reveal the mystery of this. As the woman, it behooves you to stand in gap by asking God to lead you to where help is. If at the end of the day, it is purely medical, broaden your perspective by also considering adoption. Children, either biological or adopted are what we plant into them. As for the issue of whether to go back to him or not, it is your choice but think of all the years of you have been together, the sacrifices as well as the first time you met. There is no perfect person but perfect will to succeed. Make up your mind what is important to you in your life and allow God’s will to prevail. Good luck.

I don’t understand why he suspects me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a girl of 20 years of age and I started dating this guy at the age of 16. He taught me what love is and how to love. We love each other very much. I am so comfortable in the knowledge and power of his love that any other man that comes my way seems very irrelevant. I am of the firm belief that he is a divine gift from above to me. However, the problem is that we live in different parts of the country. I am in the eastern part of the country while, he stays in then northern part of the country. The distance between us always makes him suspicious of me. He thinks since we are not together, I am dating another person. My repeated assurances that being so much in love with him makes it impossible for me to love another man seem to fall on deaf ears. He is so unsure of me that when he calls me and hears another man’s voice even though the voice is that of my brother or male colleagues, he instantly becomes very suspicious and demands to know where I am and who I am with. He will also demand to know what I am doing with the male voice. I have tried to make him understand that I can’t love any other person, but he still doesn’t believe me. Please, I want you to help me sort this thing out, because even when I am telling him the truth, he still doubts me, what will I do to make him to trust me in everything? Onyi. Dear Onyi, Getting a suspicious partner to change a conceived opinion about the mate is one of the most challenging aspects in a relationship. Before you can change his mind, let’s’ look at what brought on those suspicions. Are these suspicions only as a result of your staying in different parts of the country? Or because you gave him reasons to be suspicious of you? There is a world of difference between you giving him reasons to suspect you and him being naturally suspicious. If he is naturally suspicious, you must try to prevent any situation that would make him more doubtful of you. The distance between you two can be narrowed by patience, understanding of his fears, loyalty to him and honesty in whatever you do. There is no way he can continue to suspect you if he has the assurances through your behaviour that you can be trusted. It is not just the verbal assurances that would make him believe you, it is all the other things which you haven’t been doing. I know how difficult it is to dispel the fears of a suspicious partner or to conduct a distant relationship for that matter. It is often not easy; it takes dedication, plenty of tolerance and understanding to get a suspicious partner to change. To understand his fears, ask him why he thinks you are being unfaithful to him. Although this type of discussion is best done person-to-person, not on the phone, but if the phone is the only alternative you have, ask him on the phone why he thinks you are cheating on him. Demand to know if you have given him any reason in the past to doubt you. It may not even be the way you relate to people around you but the way you warm up to him. Chances are if you have allowed him make love to you, you may have unwittingly given him the weapon to use against you. Having had access to your body, there is no way he would be convinced that you are also not giving the same privileges to another man. It is natural for him to suspect you of infidelity because in his mind, especially if he recalls the way you responded to his touches, there is no way he can trust you to stay away from the warmth of a male embrace. It is a very precarious situation, but you must find a way of convincing him of your undivided loyalty to him always. From experience, one way to do it is not to get angry when he starts suspecting you. Make light of the matter even if you are very angry and hurt by his constant suspicions. Reserve whatever comments you have on the matter until the time you will meet to trash it out thoroughly. The danger of responding angrily to him on the phone is the risk to the sustainability of the relationship. In growing a relationship, you have to factor suitability of certain situations or reactions to situations. Now that you two are still very dependent on the impersonal nature of telephone technology to sustain your relationship, it isn’t auspicious for you to argue too much to forestall the attendant stress that comes with keeping a free communication line between a couple who live apart. Furthermore, both of you have to make real attempts at growing your relationship to reflect your new experiences, wisdom and maturity. At 16, you hardly know what is expected of you or from a relationship. You are older. Your body chemistry and outlook have matured significantly between then and now. Your maturity, physical endowments and attitude may be so pronounced to attract a lot more attention than when he first met you. These may also be cause of concern and jealousy to him. He is afraid he may lose you to someone else, particularly as he is not around you to stamp his ownership on you. While you may not have control over the way he feels or a say in the way you are filing out, you definitely can help reduce his fears by constantly assuring him of your love. By not trying to deny the avalanche of attention you are getting from other men gives him the impression that you don’t have anything to hide and that you are responsible enough to know that whatever is attracting these men to you isn’t as important as keeping the one whose presence in your life means more to you. The type of company you keep too may implicate you. Who are your friends? What are the moral values they hold supreme? At 20, you would definitely have friends whose values may clash with yours. There is no way you can convince him of being responsible if you surround yourself with friends of questionable moral character. You may not be like them, but it would be hard to convince anybody who sees you constantly in their company that you are different. So be careful of the type of friends you keep since they can make or break you. Doubtless, he too may be influenced by his friends to constantly suspect you, the issue here is for you not to give him reasons to doubt you in anyway. Endeavour to be honest always. He may not appreciate, believe or trust you but by being focused and principled you will convince him of your worth someday. Good luck.

She’s wayward but I love her

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I must commend you for the wisdom with which you solve people’s problems. Indeed you’re a blessing to your generation. I write to share the issues in my family with you because I know God will use your advice to salvage the damage done so far. I married my wife against the wishes of my brother, not because she is bad but because she has children from a previous relationship even though they were never married. I saw in her some qualities I needed in my kind of woman hence my desire to marry her. My wife is a wonderful woman no doubt; one that every man will like to have in his life but Agatha, poverty has made me see the other side of her. While I struggle to make ends meet, my wife on the other hand is doing well and I am proud of her. In-fact, the house we call our own was built by her. This I say because she bought the land, and she did majority of the work. I, on the other hand, took a loan from the office when she told me she bought a land; though small, but to support the wonderful ideas she brought about the house. The loan was only able to raise the structure to lintel level. She completed the house from that point. When we moved in, the house was still without windows, she struggled so hard to ensure we fixed windows as well as do some other finishing that has made it a befitting abode. Agatha, before now, I caught my wife with a man and I was so heartbroken because of the pains, I left her but she begged me and I forgave her but it didn’t stop there. My wife can’t leave her phone with me for a minute. Severally, I have seen love messages she sent and the ones she received but each time I confront her, she reminds me that I wasn’t doing anything for her and therefore cannot control her. In-fact we can’t sleep at night because of different phone calls from different men at odd hours; we have had several issues because of this. Sometime last month, she told me she would be on night duty (as a police officer), I didn’t object but each time my wife leaves the house, she hardly picks my calls and when she does, she is either asking why I am bothering her with calls or insulting me, before I even tell her the reason for my call. She will end the call and if I try calling back, she will put off the phone. This has continued for days. Even when I tell her I love her on phone she won’t respond. When she picks my call, she just answers ‘’hello’’ without the pet name she calls me when we are alone. Recently, one Sunday, I didn’t go to church as I was trying to weed around the house. She called at about 10 a.m. that she was on her way. Normally from where she said she was would take about 20 minutes to the house but my wife never returned until 2:05pm. I questioned her and told her I wasn’t ready for that kind of life. She told me she was in a women’s meeting.This was a blatant lie. I was so hurt I reported the issue to her brother who lives few flats away from us. He said he wasn’t unaware of his sister’s behaviour and that he won’t tolerate such from any woman. Her brother and a female cousin of hers came with me to meet with my wife. She refused to listen to them. She told them it was over between us and that I should move out of the house since she built it. Agatha, aside her wayward lifestyle, my wife is a good woman. There is nothing I don’t do for her except buy her expensive wrappers. I’m considering getting an apartment and moving out of the house since she insists on it. Ever since the issue came up, my wife has not been sleeping at home. Even before this incident, we didn’t have a sex life. Please tell me what to do because I’m so confused but something inside me tells me that prayer is the only solution but how do I continue to live with a woman I can’t trust? Is it my fault that I am poor even though we don’t beg for food? I don’t want divorce but what do I do? Desperate Husband. Dear Desperate Husband, The issues in your marriage didn’t start after you both got married; they have always been there but you were either blinded by your feelings for her to notice or by some other things you played up then. There are some women, no matter the qualities they may have, who will never be good wives. Any man who seeks to tame them through marriage risks emotional aches. There is no way you wouldn’t have noticed some of her conduct and attitude during your courtship days. How much does a Police Officer earn to give her the kind of money you claim she has? When you noticed her affluence, did you at anytime ask her how she was making the extra money? Did you at anytime challenge her to know if the money was coming from her salary or other sources? What steps did you take in addressing the numerous affairs you know she was having? Being poor doesn’t mean you should tolerate infidelity in your marriage. To be poor isn’t offensive but when a man is weak; his wife becomes the boss in the house. You gave your wife the opportunity to be wild through your own lack of effective control of your home. There are many women who though are breadwinners of the family, still remember their responsibilities to their husbands. If she hasn’t shared your bed for a while, then what kind of marriage do you have with her? For how long can you endure the humiliation of knowing what she is denying you, she is giving it freely to other men? You may want this marriage but from all indications, this woman is no longer interested in this marriage. She wants the freedom to come and go whenever she likes. She may have the qualities you want in a woman but the question, do you have the qualities to keep her married to you? It takes two to make a marriage work. If she doesn’t want it, has made up her mind to move forward, there is little you can do to keep her in your life. It is unfortunate and painful but you must learn to respect her wishes at least for now. Granted, there is nothing prayers cannot do, but God isn’t a magician. Your case requires more of sincerity on your part than prayers. You have to tell yourself certain basic truth concerning your reason for wanting to stay in a marriage with a woman you say is rude, disrespectful and wayward. Is the fact of her being financially better than you the reason you want to stay on in the marriage? Do you have the emotional stamina to endure the knowledge of her unfaithfulness? You need to be truthful at this important juncture in your marriage. This is because there are certain things prayers will never do. It has to come from either you or your wife. For instance, the decision to be faithful, responsible and respectful has to come from her. You may think you have the ability to cope with all the other men in her life but a time will come when her conduct will make you snap. There is a limit you will get when you will feel like ending it all. This is the time to avert the danger of you hurting her or yourself by facing the situation now as a man. We all come with certain defects from the manufacturer’s table. This includes making the wrong choice of a life partner. You are a man and men generally need their egos to be massaged at all times. Don’t be afraid to admit you didn’t factor so many things into your choice of a wife. Your pride should not deny you of the wisdom required to make the right choice in this matter. Until both of you are able to discuss as adults, pack out of her house because from all that you have said, she isn’t ready to listen to the voice of reason. Accept the fact that she wants her freedom now. If you are both meant to be, something will make her change to become the kind of woman you want but for now, reality demands you allow her go. It is sad but this is what your kind of situation demands. You also need to be a man of your own to be happy in life. Good luck.

I was raped and now pregnant

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Three months ago, while coming back from an errand for my mother, three boys gang raped me in an uncompleted building. It was horrible. Till date, I cannot make out the faces of the boys that violated me. When I told my mother about the incident, she scolded me as if I asked for it and later advised me not to tell my father or uncle. I felt bad at her attitude but decided it was better I heeded her advice of not telling my father. Besides, I didn’t want my father telling me all those nasty things my mother told me. I was at home about two weeks ago when I fainted; I was rushed to the nearest hospital where I was pronounced pregnant after some tests were carried out on me. Needless to say, my father is now aware of the whole incident and blames my mother for not telling him. He said, if he had been told, he would have insisted I went for medical examinations and steps taken to avert my getting pregnant. Even now he insists I go for an abortion but my mother who is pushing religious sentiments, she is a member of The Apostolic Church insists I should have the baby. According to her it was a sin to take a life one didn’t create. The issue is causing so much problems at home between my parents. I am so confused. I am only 18 years of age; a one hundred student of English. I am not ready to be a mother least of all, the one whose paternity I will never be able to identify. I have tried to make my mother understand that I have my whole life ahead of me; plans I want to accomplish before I even marry; she has vowed to fight me all the way if I attempt to destroy the life she claims is inside of me. It is so painful that my mother hasn’t bothered to ask me how I feel or consider my nightmare and shame of having a child at my early age. it is so painful that what she wanted concealed have been made public by a pregnancy I cannot explain whose precisely it is. Already my mother is treating like a piece of dirt with the way she screams and calls me unprintable names. I wonder how she is going to treat a child she is already referring to as a bastard. The only person on my side is my father. I am so confused about what to do about this child. Please help me make a decision, Agatha. I was at the programme you attended at the national stadium where you talked about women knowing what they want before venturing into a relationship. I want to be useful to myself and the society. Please help me. If forced against my will by my mother and the church to keep this child, I would rather die. It is my body, my future and life that are at stake. None of them is offering me any succor or sympathy. I am fed up. Adewumi. Dear Adewumi, There is nothing I can say or do that, will undo what has been done. I really empathize with you. As a woman, I understand your pains and humiliation at being made to suffer for something you were painfully forced into. As a mother, my heart goes out to you. At 18, you are old enough under the law to make your decision. Abortion is permitted when it has to do with rape. In your case, three men raped you making it impossible for you as a woman to identify whose baby you are carrying. No matter what the church or your mother feels, their responsibility is to you, given the situation under which you got pregnant. To keep the child is to postpone today’s evil till a later date. Every child deserves love and identification in life. Given the history surrounding the conception of this child and your current state of mind, there is no way this child will ever enjoy love and support to grow into a success story. When the story of how its conception would be told the child, chances are the child will become difficult to manage. Frankly, there is no way the innocent child will get love from you or any member of your family or immediate environment. There will always be someone ready to remind the child of its dark past anytime it oversteps what the person considers the normal bound. The burden of shame, denial, unspoken condemnation and cruel gossip will be too much for the child to bear. As a matter of fact, the child will suffer more than you eventually especially if a man. The burden of his paternity will always come to play over his surname. The day your father passes on, will be the day someone in your father’s family will come forward to protest the use of the family’s name by your child. The only way this child can be happy and integrate properly into to the society is to have and give it up for adoption; to a couple who can really invest unconditional love on the child and who is unaware of the circumstances of the conception. Adoption will help you take care of the burden of guilt most women feel after abortion especially if she is unable to have a child in the future. It will also help you deal with the psychological trauma of raising a child with no father as well as the bitterness the presence of the child will always evoke in your heart and mind. But you have to be medically and emotionally fit to go through this. To give birth to a healthy baby requires for the mother to be in a very good state of mind as well as the required stamina to go through all the process of birth. Frankly, you need to be of good health and mind to carry a pregnancy to full term since all kinds of complications can occur. Whatever you decide to go, get a medical opinion first. It will go a long way in influencing what your final decision will be. Sometimes, medical report may even rule out the option of abortion while in other cases, it recommends abortion on health grounds. Rather than allow your mother and church push into a situation that could spell danger to your life, tell your father to take you for proper medical examinations. It is the first priority now. If at the end of the day, you are not keen on having the baby, don’t be afraid to say so because you are the one wearing the shoes and whose future is on the line by this unfortunate incident. Honestly, no reasonable person will blame you if you decide otherwise; the important thing is for you to be comfortable with it. For now, you may have to take sometime off to think properly. It is important you do. Once you are able to make peace with yourself by opting for the decision you feel most comfortable with, the urge to kill yourself will vanish. You are contemplating it because you feel under pressure by the opinions and views of others. The important lesson you must take away from this unfortunate incident is that in life, you are solely responsible for what you become. Don’t allow others make the important decisions bothering on your dreams for you. You are on the threshold being an adult; coupled with this kind of life changing experience others your age or older are yet to go through, it behooves you to safeguard your dreams with the single-mindedness of one sure of his or her destination. Good luck.

Re: My wife of 30 years betrayed me

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thank you so much for the work you are doing. Please keep it up. It’s one point of interest when ever I want to read Nigerian Newspapers. As per above, my brother in the picture need to re-examine himself and put his priority aright. One problem with humanity, we are often very quick to judge another without first putting ourselves in their shoes. One fact that I learnt over time in the western world is that hardly do we see and admit that the values and perspectives we held while in Nigeria have changed over time since sojourning in a strange land. Another point from his reply; do not really point out family as a priority before money to take care of the family. If money can buy a loving united family, he has tried that. Twelve years is too long a time for spouses (married) to be apart regardless of what. The only solution that can clean the mess created is to honestly accept responsibility, make up with his wife and children as soon as possible. Marrying another wife is never going to be a solution but duplicates his troubles. Frankly, the wife wronged him but it takes the manner in which the man goes about resolving this problem in humility and graces to forgive his wife that will lead the wife to humbly accept her fault and make amends because devil who is the deceiver and destroyer of families will magnify anything to paint the wrong picture. If they make amend, naturally, things may not be the same but it will be better than the trouble of another wife down the road. I had a somehow different but similar kind of situation recently. My girl, who is my wife today was with me in 1997. We met at a younger age and though I fell in love with her, we parted for about twelve years without any form of contact. Luckily, we were all sure God meant us to be one. Somehow I left Nigeria without her knowledge and I didn’t know about her where about too. But we all hang our hope in God and God brought us together at the 12th year. Do you know that though we were not “dating or married” that time, we had our different share of temptations? Let him make up his mind quickly whether to choose marrying another wife with attendant headache with bundles of troubles in future coming from his “new” wife to be, his “old” wife and children or to swallow his ego, pride and pain while amending with his wife and children. Forgiveness is all that is needed to heal the inflicted wounds and bring back the glory once again. God bless you.

My father rapes me almost every night

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 18 years of age. Right from as far as I can remember, my father has been abusing me sexually. It has become such a habit that he doesn’t want me out of his sight. He does it in such a way my mother appears not to suspect anything or is simply pretending not to. I really don’t know what is happening to her. I have gotten used to it. Twice he procured abortions for me. The last one got my mother very suspicious but my father managed the situation by ordering my mother to leave me alone. What worries me is that my father is a leader in the church. Now he is also sleeping with my 12 year old sister. We are both powerless to do anything about our situation since our mother’s attitude sometimes calls to question her emotional state of mind. This minute you are so certain you can get her to listen to you, take interest in her children’s welfare; the next minute she is doing something very different. I don’t know how to make you understand what I am trying to say but I suspect she is not in complete control of her emotions. For instance when I tried telling her about what my father was doing to me after he made me go through my second abortion, she pushed me out of her room; calling me the child of devil. Till date, she hasn’t bothered to ask or investigate the matter. She appears oblivious of the incident. Now the issue is how do I stop my father from doing what he is doing to my sister and I? He has refused me to accept offers of admission I got to the university and polytechnics outside Lagos. His excuse? I am too young to be on my own but I know it is because he wants me around for his selfish reasons. How do I get out of this prison my father has put me? Most times I feel like killing him; actually tried to poison his food once with battery water I got from a mechanic but I changed my mind when I thought of the consequences on me. If I don’t leave the house I fear, I won’t mind going to hell by killing him. Adunola Dear Adunola, The most important thing now is for you to get out of the house with your sister. Since your mother cannot provide you with the protection from your father, go outside your mother for help. First let your father know that you are no longer ready to put up with his depravation; that you are ready to tell whosoever cares to listen, the kind of father he has been to you and your sister. He has continued to abuse you sexually because you have kept quiet all these years. It is time you put a stop to it once and for all. The next time he comes into your room to have sex with you, scream loud enough to attract the attention of the neighbours. Communicate loudly the object of your scream so people know exactly what is happening. Don’t be afraid of him anymore. Your fear and silence are the reason his has continued to rape you and now your sister. If you don’t do something to stop him, this man will destroy you and your sisters for life. Because, he is most likely to react violently, arm yourself with something to protect you incase he gets violent. Usually rapists, especially in the mold your father is, will not want his reputation soiled so he is likely to use his palm to gag your mouth. Bite him hard on the palms as evidence of his intentions. He is refusing to let you go because he wants unrestricted access to your body. He knows that once you leave, he won’t be able to control your emotions anymore. The moment he defiled you, he forfeited every respect he deserves as your father so treat him like you would any man who rapes you. Follow this up by seeking protection for you and your sister from his female relatives. The truth is, if you leave, he will continue to violate your sister and at her age, she may not be able to protect herself from him. So it isn’t just about leaving the house but also providing security for that young girl too. By the time you make it public, your mother’s play at amnesia will disappear because whatever it is she is trying to prevent will no longer be necessary. The situation will force her to look at ways to protect her daughters from her husband. Being a leader in the church, he will want the matter resolved as quickly as possible to prevent the attendant scandal that follows. Insist he sends your female siblings, to boarding schools while you go off to school. During holidays, look for places to go to and if you must stay at home, you all should stay in the same room. Don’t kill him; it is a temptation you must fight against to prove to yourself and the world that you are a better person. The moment you take the laws into your hand, you become as guilty as he is. Besides, it will further destroy your family. As it is, your family may never recover from this incident; there is no way you and your sister will ever have a normal father-daughter relationship with him again. Just as it will be difficult for you to allow your children come near him. The harm on your family is already too deep for you to complicate further. Sincerely, your mother needs a second chance to be happy again. From your narration, your father has unwittingly destroyed her and belief in the marriage. Don’t forget that she is also be affected by everything that is happening around her. Even if your father used charms on her, the effect will vanish one day; she will always be negatively affected by the knowledge of what her husband did to her daughters. No matter how much she tries, her marriage to your father will never be the same on account of this incident. This is why you must be strong for yourself and everybody in the family. Doubtless, it can’t have been a tea party for you to endure the presence of your father in that forbidden manner but in a way, the survival of what is left of your family depends on your ability to forge ahead. While you need time to forgive, wisdom and determination are what you need now to get out of this situation. God is who you should turn to now; you need Him now more than ever before. It is important you turn to God to avert the greater tragedy of you turning your hatred to other men. Good luck.

My husband is sleeping with my best friend

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a very confusing problem in my life now. I discovered that my husband and my best-friend are having an affair. I am hardly at home as a result of my business which takes me out of the country quite often. This friend and I grew up together. We have always been in each other’s lives. About two years ago, her marriage broke up. I didn’t bother to ask questions about the reason but decided to relocate her to Lagos since I felt it would be nice to have her around because of my children. She came at the time I was having real problems with my husband who was beginning to complain about my constant absence from home and the negative effect it was having on the children. He was almost getting to the point of him asking me to choose between my business and the family. It was really becoming very tough for me as the house-girl just left without the courtesy of informing me about her decision. So when my friend called to inform me about her marriage, I simply asked her to come since people were already demanding for items I had ran out of. This was last year December. Recently, I had reasons to cut short one of my trips only to discover that my friend has not only taken over my children but my husband as well. The most painful thing is that my children knew about the affair between their father and my friend but didn’t tell me. I feel betrayed and bitter about everything. Please tell me what to do; I want my home back again. Eliza. Dear Eliza, If your children are in the know of this affair between their father and your best friend and didn’t say anything in your defense, it underscores the kind of mother you really are to them. By their action, the children have elected to side with a woman who knows what motherhood is all about and one who is present at all times. It is okay for a woman to pursue some level of financial independence, but such quest must not be done at the expense of the children’s welfare. While the children can survive the absence of their father, they cannot endure an absentee mother. Your presence in the home as a woman, wife and mother is not negotiable. No amount of financial success or freedom can make up for the happiness and welfare of your children. It is one thing for your husband and best friend to begin an affair behind you, it is a completely different story for your children to be in the know and not tell you. Candidly, the issue now is not just about the affair between your husband and friend but that of you putting things right between you and your children. The first thing to do now is to sit back to x-ray the things that are important to you in life. How much are your children worth to you? As a woman, have you stopped to think of that tomorrow when you can no longer have children; when you will need the special warmth only children bring to the heart of an aging woman? Of what use is having all the money in the world but losing the important things in life? While your husband can always begin something new with a very young woman, what are the choices you have if these children refuse to be appeased? Honestly, their case is more worrisome than the affair between your husband and friend. There is really the urgent need for you to discuss with these children with a view of finding out how deep the hurt you inflicted on them really is. To get them to cooperate, best you begin by apologising to them; neglect every pride of being their mother. It won’t work with them at all. This is partly because they have in their own way replaced you in their hearts. They have found another mother in your friend who appears to be quenching their longing for a mother figure. Plead with them for understanding and be careful not to betray your emotions or the reason you have suddenly found them to be important to you. The danger of them knowing why you are soliciting for their support is better imagined than experienced. The heart of a child can be very rigid especially when they know that what you denied them could easily have been given. You maybe their biological mother, but if you haven’t given their feelings any consideration, ignored them while you gallivant around the world in search for one lucrative business or the other, learn to tread softly in your bid to get them back on your side. Bury your so called sense of betrayal and bitterness. You are not in a position to bargain since you drew the first blood by your non-challant attitude towards them. Beg them including bribing them with your presence, gifts and time. Make out time to take them personally to school, if they are still young, take them out to places of their choice. And if they are young adults, engage them in a very frank talk devoid of bitterness against their father or your friend. Let them see the desperation and determination to make things right between you and them. Admit your mistake; it is the only way to get heady teenagers as well as young adults to listen in this kind of situation. As for your friend, you caused whatever is happening in your home. She merely took advantage of your carelessness with your own husband and children. In the first place, you were more concerned about having her to care for your home than the issue of her troubled marriage. As a good friend, you should have done more in the area of settling the issue between her and the husband; instead, you encouraged her to come in place of the house-help that left. To be truthful, you were the first to betray her. A good friend would never take advantage of the friend’s predicament. You took undue benefit of her situation to exploit her trust in you. Though it doesn’t excuse her sleeping with your husband, but you are to blame entirely for the whole episode in your home. She came to you because she wanted a pair of understanding shoulders to lean on, someone to help her out of her travails, to hold her hands while she recovered from the disappointment of a bad marriage. Being a woman, you more than anyone else should understand her vulnerability at that time; she came to you because you were the only one she could trust but instead you made her your house-help while you went about your business. Sincerely, both of them may not have set out to hurt you by having an affair. An innocent gesture of compassion on the part of your husband may have led to this complication. Don’t also forget that your husband too has issues with you; has been suffering from neglect. It couldn’t have been easy for him all the while you placed business before his needs and desires. You made it clear from the choice you made that money and not his happiness mattered most to you. There is no way this messy situation can be avoided in the kind of environment you created in your home. You unwittingly paired your husband with your best friend. To edge her out, stay more at home with your family. Also call your friend’s husband to sort things out between them. The earlier you did that the better for you all. Sex is very powerful. For an adult who is used to having sex at will, the best bet is to remove temptations from the way of such an adult. If you fight your friend over the affair between her and your husband, you will not only be empowering them to continue but prolonging the situation in your home. Presently, your family doesn’t have anything to lose if you decide to go because you haven’t always been there for them but you have a lot to lose if they continue with the affair. This is that time in a woman’s life and marriage when she ignores her true nature for the sake of her home. you have more knowledge of life than those children who are simply giving vent to their anger against your neglect of them. By the time in dawns on them that they are in the camp of an enemy, a lot of things would have gone wrong. It is that danger you must protect them from by preventing a situation where your husband and friend will be too comfortable in each other’s arms. Take the step of sacrifice by going to see her husband and making peace with them. Don’t broadcast what happened between your friend and husband to avoid ill conceived advices. Learn to keep your dirty linen inside your house. There is no successful marriage without a supreme sacrifice. All of you are guilty and need the grace of God to navigate through this stormy water. You and your husband need to forgive each other to have a happy home once again. Good luck.

Should I drop her or continue the relationship?

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have been very close to you through your column. I consider your solutions to be very useful, practical and well appreciated. I am a single man of 36 years of age. I lost my only relationship of eight years two years ago; since then, I have been searching for another lady to settle down with. I must confess it is becoming very difficult for me doing this at my age as well as with my status. Everywoman I come across knows I am looking for a wife. They pretend to be good, but sooner or later, I discover the duplicity in their character. In March last year, I came across this young lady. I have since then tried to be close to her, never hiding my desire to have her as a wife. The first time I met her, I asked if she had any existing relationship with any man. She told me she had a two-year-old relationship with another man. I asked how close they were and if they had any plan to marry. She told me that although they were close but the man hadn’t proposed to her. At that point, I decided to go ahead with the relationship. I later proposed marriage to her. She neither rejected nor accepted my proposal. Instead, she said we should maintain the status quo since she hadn’t made up her mind to marry yet. I tried to convince her that at 22, and a 300 Level student in the university, she didn’t have any excuse not to think of marriage. I did everything within my powers to meet her needs. I made sure she didn’t lack much. In addition to the gifts, I made sure I was there physically. Still she didn’t change her mind. I also didn’t attempt taking her to bed because I wanted her to know how much I really care for and serious with her. At some points, my friends started mocking me as well as suspecting my claims to being a man. They thought I should have long taken her to bed. Towards the end of last year, I slowed down with her and we lost contact, but I confirmed that she and the other guy were still dating. Recently, I called her again and we started talking. Agatha, I have made it clear to her that I want something more from her. I want marriage or nothing. Please, do I still keep the contact with her or forget her and seek another girl ready for marriage? Albert. Dear Albert, It should be obvious to you by now that this girl isn’t interested in marrying you. She didn’t deceive you into thinking she was. You are with her because you want to be and not because she is giving you any encouragement to spend money on her, care for her or be there for her. Telling you she has a boyfriend in her life is enough to tell you that you will never become who you so much want to be in her life. Chances are she sees you purely as a friend in her life, one she can do without, hence her refusal to get in touch with you when you didn’t call. Admitting she has a boyfriend she is very close to and refusing to accept your wedding proposal absolves her of any blame whatsoever. The thing now is for you to get serious with your own life. In your desperation to marry, you are opening yourself up for pains, hurts as well as more disappointments in life. Give her up and plan for your own woman. The only way you can do that successfully is to forget completely the disappointment of your doomed relationship. Stop feeling pity for yourself and forget whatever reasons the other woman gave for the failure of that relationship. There is nobody without the story of heartache. Disappointment is associated with happiness. They almost partner each other. The only way to manage disappointment is not to dwell too much on it else it would be difficult to move on to other things. Doubtless, the pains of that disappointment would never really go away especially as it involved eight very good years of your life, but go on you must in life. By refusing to act desperately, you take away the power of any woman to hurt you. Take your time to study the woman you want to marry. From your experience, there are mistakes you made before which you must avoid at all cost. Just as there are no perfect situations, there are no perfect beings. Admit to your own mistakes in that relationship with a view of ensuring you don’t fall into the same situation. Where you have to be firm, please do so, and where you have to bend backwards do so also. As the leader of the team, you must at all times be alive to your responsibilities to earn the respect of those you lead in this case, the woman in your life. Rest more on God to avoid another grave mistake in your choice of a life partner. When in haste, it is always best to lessen your speed limit to prevent a fatal accident. Relax and take your time to get the right woman to share your life with. Marriage is not about how early but how well. Good luck.

How do I confront a cheating husband?

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extra-marital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun, would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is seeing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God-given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at any time given him reasons to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time, those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what is your reaction to the complain? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pin-point your own faults, work on them with a view to making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are often his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often times, women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extra-ordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not to be in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that ***juju*** is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate him to a position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all times and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out. Good luck.

How do I approach a lady

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, It’s always great reading the advice you give to people, and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue eating me up. I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in this life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem. I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused whether to marrying a graduate like me, or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, There is nothing in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not. Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side, a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lacked the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover who you are, get into pranks like all children do, the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing. To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know who you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want, only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship. To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality. In this package is contained temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first. Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood. A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are. Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy. Good luck.

She got pregnant for another man while I was abroad

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I had a girlfriend who affianced herself to me. She gave me her body, love and her soul. She also made me promise never to disappoint her. I in turn, promised to love her with my whole heart. She told me of her past relationship and how the boy didn’t treat her well. She also told me that she was still a virgin; I didn’t want to take it away from her even when she offered it to me. I stopped at kissing and romancing her. I thought it was the reason she left her former boyfriend. I was also a virgin. I didn’t have a girlfriend before I met her. I love her and have kept my promise to her. She wanted us to become lovers but I disagreed because I wanted her especially to come of age. I traveled out for two years and by the time I came back, she already had a baby. I couldn’t believe my eyes and I felt very disappointed because of all the promises we made to each other; including me not having a girlfriend while out there. The problem now is that she wants to come back as soon as the baby is old enough. What should I do? Bothered Guy. Dear Bothered Guy, What manner of woman would leave her little baby to follow another man? No matter how young or in love she is with you, the moment she agreed to sleep, get pregnant and have a baby for another man, she forfeited every right to the relationship she had with you. She has made her choice, don’t get involved with her again or at least she is absolute about her relationship with the father of her child. But, whatever made her sleep with this man and have a baby for him should make her stay in the relationship with the man. She is no longer single, she now has responsibility to other people especially that baby who needs the love and attention of the mother. You are no longer under any obligations to her. Whatever promises you made to her have been invalidated by her decision to get involved with another man. She cannot blame you for whatever decision you made on this matter. Allow her be. This is not to say you cannot be a friend to her. The fact that she made this choice doesn’t mean both of you should stop being friends. Her only blame here is that she didn’t trust you enough to have kept faith with the promises you both made to each other. The fact remains that not everybody has the resilience to cope with long distance relationship. That you were able to cope doesn’t mean she can. For this reason, don’t condemn her. Perhaps at the stage you left her, her body chemistry was ready for the ultimate; once a woman’s mind has been tuned towards that goal, it takes the grace of God to stop her from agreeing to the first available man. You lost her the moment she offered you herself and you declined. Leaving her at the time she was most susceptible worked against every good intentions she may have had. She may not have done it to hurt you but that doesn’t mean you should in any way encourage her to leave the father of her child. For now she needs a friend, the kind she can rely on and who in turn will always be by her. Encourage her to be a good mother to her child and to be true to her man. Under no circumstance must you try to encourage her to leave her responsibilities to her child and man to follow you. As for you, follow the leading of God for you. If He actually wanted the both of you together, she would have waited for you. Good luck.

Re: My daughter and I are pregnant for the same man

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want to start by commending your gift. My respect for you increased after reading this story. In your shoes, even though I am a pastor and counselor, I would have dismissed it on receipt of the letter because of its annoying content. I really bless the name of God for giving you the wisdom and maturity to attend to the emotional needs of people. Don’t ever be discouraged if you are not getting anything from the people you have helped, including me. God will never neglect you for this selfless service to mankind. Back to the issue of Rita and her daughters who are both pregnant for the same man. It is unfortunate. Rita should have known better than to keep her affairs away from her home. Even if divorced, she should, at her age, carry herself with certain measure of decorum. Her male friend should never be a regular visitor to her home for the simple reason that she has young girls who are already matured. By virtue of the fact that she has custody of the children means her husband and his family has some measure of trust in her ability to manage the children. If they thought she was incapable, I am sure her husband would have taken steps to take the children away from her. Also, there will always be those who think her exit from their family is good riddance and would be waiting patiently to prove to those who are in support of her that she is bad news any day. Unfortunately, she has walked into the trap of “didn’t we tell you that this woman is bad news? Didn’t we tell you to take the children from her; that she will, given her antecedence be unable to give them the right training?” It isn’t an offence for her at her age to desire the company of a man. It is what we were all created to do on earth. No matter the age of a man or woman, the ancient need to be close to a member of the opposite sex will never cease. So, on this score, she didn’t do anything wrong. But like you said Agatha, a deeper look into Rita’s lifestyle shows a worrisome trend, which unfortunately is not limited to her. More and more women are placing unnecessary value on sex than the things that are right and good for them. That her two daughters could sleep with her boyfriend with the knowledge that the other was doing it with the same man, is indeed a planned work to teach her some lessons in morality. From the ages of these children, they weren’t too young to be ignorant of what transpired between their parents, especially the reason for the divorce. Although she didn’t state the reason she and her husband went their different ways, if accusation of infidelity was one of them, this incident has only complicated issues for her in the sense that her daughters will never be able to relate to her as a mother. Therefore it goes beyond finding solution to the pregnancies. Rita, go with what Agatha said about making peace with your daughters. Definitely the elder one knows where the junior sister is and united in further embarrassing you on this matter. Agatha has said it all; forget your pains and solve this problem the only way a good mother knows how to bring her family together. They are your children. Your husband will only come back to claim them if they are good but will forget about them if they turn out bad. What father would want to claim a child who got pregnant for the mother’s boyfriend? As a man, I wouldn’t because it is an abomination. Not even my pastoral training would make me friends with such a child. If the child were younger and was raped by the man, it would have been a different story but when a grown up woman of 28, decides to do such a thing, then it becomes forbidden. How can mother and child be rivals? Indeed the world is coming to an end. In my opinion, both of them should keep the pregnancies. But the daughter should vacate the house for her mother. She is old enough to take full responsibility for her actions. Rita should have the child and learn to love it like she once loved her father. It is the only reasonable way out of it instead of insisting on her daughter having an abortion. Dear Rita, Why did you go for a married man in the first place? They are bad news for a single lady. (From your letter, you have been divorced for more than a decade, met this man a year ago, and “being married, we meet in my place”). It is normal to crave companionship after being divorced for so long but you should have looked well before leaping. You even trusted him with your home keys… As for the pregnancies, I would advise you to keep the pregnancies but not the babies. You can even travel out to have the babies before your states become obvious to non-medical observers. Give them up for adoption at birth and rebuild your lives. Abortion can lead to infertility or death and the innocent babies should not be sacrificed for the sins of their father. Foluso.

How do I terminate love for her?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thank you for the kind assistance you render to people and I pray your labour of love would be rewarded here on earth and the world to come. I had a girl I was dating during my school days, but the relationship was not based on love, but lust. Before I knew the inherent danger of such a relationship, she had aborted twice for me. She is currently undergoing her Higher National Diploma (HND) programme, while I am working with one of the biggest banks in Nigeria. I am also an HND graduate. I read secretarial administration. There is this lady I was once interested in but undue to my unserious attitude I lost her. Way back then, I knew she liked me but I just couldn’t be bothered. However we are together now and frankly speaking I have found peace, joy, and love in her. She is an SSCE holder. She has written the Joint Admission Matriculation Examination severally without success hence her decision to go to a catering school. The main problem now is, I have decided to settle down with this lady but I have a girlfriend in school, who has introduced me to her parents as well as her pastor. To make matter worse, I am the first man she has brought home to her parents and family. She is 26. In fairness to her she has not offended me in anyway. It is just that I find so much peace and joy being with this other girl who is 24 years of age. I know from my responses on the phone, the one in school knows there is something wrong but I haven’t been able to tell her I have made up my mind to terminate the relationship with her. Agatha, how do I tell her of my intentions to end my relationship with her? What do I do? I love the second girl with all my heart. My parents are worried and afraid not knowing what I am doing. I plan to get married next year, but how do I discharge the school girl? I don’t want any curse in my life in the future. Please Agatha, I really need your help. Everyday, I pray for God’s intervention because marriage is a more serious business than many think. I don’t want to be like Samson, John Wesley, and Solomon, who despite their greatness were destroyed by the women in their lives. Agatha, please tell me how to tell this girl in school who would be coming home soon that I am no longer interested in continuing the relationship with her? Maxwell. Dear Maxwell, It is always better to err on the side of honesty than to err on the side of deceit and lies. There is no contesting the fact that your school-based girlfriend would feel bad about this development in your relationship, but having deceived her enough, be very bold enough to tell her the truth concerning the status of your relationship with her. That she has introduced you to her parents and pastor, should not stop you from telling her the truth about your new feelings towards her. It is only when you both derive joy being together that your family would be happy. Her family would only support a union that guarantees the peace and happiness of their child. Having made up your mind to marry this other girl, it would be pointless to continue to hold on to someone you admit isn’t giving you the type of happiness you want. Your conclusion of being happier with another woman might not make complete sense to her, given the fact that at one time you gave her the impression that she was the most important woman in your life, but it should not stop you from dealing with the situation you have both found yourselves in. She deserves your unconditional apology because you betrayed her by going outside your relationship with her to commence something new with another woman. It doesn’t matter if this second woman is giving you so much joy or not, what is important and crucial is your disloyalty to your school-based girlfriend. What you should have done from the beginning was to have first terminated the relationship with her before going into this new one. In a way, you have also been deceiving this other girl who probably thinks she is the only woman in your life. For you to have made up your mind about marrying her, the relationship must have been on for sometime. How do you think she would react if she gets to find out that while you were giving her all the promises in the world, part of your heart was in the bank of another woman’s heart? You have unwittingly dug for yourself a very delicate hole which you need tact and very clear honesty to firm up. It is for this reason you must urgently deal with this situation before you lose the one you love in the process of being afraid to face up your past. Since there is nothing that can compensate for the truth, begin by confessing to your present girlfriend first. She, like the other girl deserves to know the truth. You may not see the need to tell her, but it is important she knows because should complications occur in your handling of the other woman, you will need the support of your woman to move from the point you are in now with the other woman. But if you don’t tell her and she gets to know when the matter has become completely messy and out of hand, it would be difficult for you to get her to support your move and story. By then she might not be interested in hearing your story as she would now. Besides, hearing it from you would lessen the pains and sense of betrayal that come from hearing such things from a third party. Naturally she won’t be happy knowing that all along, you have someone else in your life but knowing what it has cost you to tell her the truth, she would forgive you easily and stand by you should the other lady decides to make his desire to end the relationship difficult. After securing the support of your girlfriend, call for an appointment with your school- based friend to tell her everything. Begin also by first apologising to her and giving her assurances that she hasn’t done anything to warrant you leaving her for another woman. This point is important to free her to be able to love and trust another man. Make the reason for your choice very clear to her. Let her know that much as you would have liked to be with her, the reality of your feelings for her and your comprehension of what the marriage institution stands for make it difficult for you to continue with her. And that even if you force yourself to marry her as planned; the possibility of you giving her the type of marriage and life she deserves to be completely happy as a woman is nil because the inherent joy and peace she needs to function in your life and home would never be there from your end. She may not readily understand and appreciate what you are trying to pass on to her but over time, when the pains of what appears now to be betrayal subsides, she would be glad you took the bold decision to leave her. To make sure you are heading for a peaceful and happy marriage with this other woman, there is still the need to further subject your choice to the approval of God through fervent prayers because there is more to getting married and remaining married. Good luck.

Pressured into marriage, now I can’t cope

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing. I am 30 years of age and in a relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me. I finally got employed and I’m in my second month on the job. She later resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place, she told me about her past. From her story, she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desires to settle down as time isn’t on her side. At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding. She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me. We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her; she received the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meager salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later. Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the month. I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church. Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship will be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behaviour of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do? Troubled Soul. Dear Troubled Soul, Understanding in a marriage isn’t what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this crossroads because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices. Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy. While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather, it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union. You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were on unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony. If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed planning. The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been firmer and definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not being firm at all. Every man that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused; with that comes the determination to put his woman in check. Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby, who will suffer if any rash decision on your part is taken. For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and plan your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will. That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you, unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home. Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. Go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning. Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter. Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her, what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you. To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occurred between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this, it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier to resolve. There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her. When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind. You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails. In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve. Good luck.

My mother-in-law is a tyrant

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a life eating problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house. Naturally, his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though she pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me but she has a way of making my life in that house hell on earth. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food and I make the attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me, that particular food isn’t eaten in her family. The worst thing is that my husband would come and not say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to them to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am all on my own, begging them to even like me a little bit. But it seems the harder I try to please them, the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house. I have been begging my husband to relocate at least a bit away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage but he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school which is six hours drive from home. Anytime I raise the issue of his family treatment of me, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage. And from the looks of things, it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom decided to build his personal home few inches away from the family house. My sister-in-law is over 30 years of age stays in the house. I am dying slowly. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way but, a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him. Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about, lack of insincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis. For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must during your courtship days, have done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because like most women, you thought you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother. The fact that you didn’t complain then, were willing to play along, means that if you really put in more efforts into this marriage, you will come overcome the battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those with very elastic patience. Even the toughest battles bow at the end of the day to it. From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-n-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating the excesses of every friend, relations and the negative side of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing the situation you are in to survive this marriage. One way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or force him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife? Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. If you are deep, you are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood and the joy of every mother is be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life caring for. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion no woman can resist feeling. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will defeat the situation as long as you have the right attitude to life. Your husband’s headship of his home didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from all those close to him. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they have on ground. You and your in-laws are like two combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you, your motives as well as your thoughts towards them just as you are of them. The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of acute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges within his family he should not experience at all. Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours; don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The trick is to device a means outside nagging or complains to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have-you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, let him see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house. For instance your desire to make him leave the family house could come as wishful desires. During intimacy, wish for more privacy to really be together, do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying. Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now. Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak. Until you leave the house, where you can, avoid confrontation, do it. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room. This way you get to cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen. This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person. It is also important to your survival, that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you. Good luck.

He appears stingy

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column and must commend your good work here. Do keep it going. I am actually writing on behalf of my friend who needs advice. But first I need to know this: must a guy be presenting a girl with gifts before he can be said to truly love the girl? Also, do you think that two people having a distant relationship may end up getting together in life some day? Well, my friend has this guy abroad whom she has not met before but has only seen through a picture. They have been talking on phone for over a year now. The guy says he loves her and she also feels she loves him too; obviously she misses him terribly and thinks of him all the time. But what she doesn’t understand is why the guy has not bothered sending her anything at all since they started this distant date of theirs. She, however, says that the guy tells her he doesn’t have a well-paying job over there, is trying to survive and see a way to come back to the country so they would get married. But personally I feel that irrespective of how hard things are for a guy, he can just try to present the girlfriend with some gifts to show he cares really. Honestly, I do not know what advice to give to my friend as she pictures having a future together with this guy yet she complains that the guy has not sent her anything. On certain occasions, she pretended to the guy that she had no money and the guy told her that she should stop working so he would know that he is working for two and would then start sending her money. Agatha, please how can you interpret this? Fine, the guy might not be stingy but does that depict love in any sense? And he goes on all day telling my friend that he loves her dearly and can’t wait to get back to be with her. My friend says the guy tells her that since they started talking, about 13 months ago he has not met any other woman sexually because he loves and respects her. And he also asked God to give him the grace not to mess with any other woman whenever he finds one he wants to marry. Please, could you say that the guy is being honest here as a man? Help me advise my friend as I want her to move on with her life rather than wait for this guy whom she feels she obviously loves. And she is worried as to whether the guy would be able to take care of her needs irrespective of the fact that she is able to take care of herself financially. Concerned Friend. Dear Concerned Friend, Three is always a crowd in any relationship. No matter how noble your intentions are, constant interference in this relationship isn’t healthy at all. If care isn’t taken, you would be ruining this relationship between your friend and her boyfriend. Step aside and allow both of them make their mistakes. Also, you must avoid a situation where you and your friend would quarrel over this matter. Yes, you have every right to be concerned but there are limits. Your friend is in love and from experience; it is the wrong time to try to convince anyone to be careful. Don’t discourage them. Allow them be. The danger of you insisting she leaves him may boomerang on your friendship. Overtime, she could begin to wonder and rightly too what your interest really is. You have told her your fears; allow her make her mistakes because it is through those mistakes she can learn to cope with life’s challenges. Your role as a friend is to be there for her always, not discouraging her from being in love with this man. Love can happen in unexpected places and situations. If both of them are able to manage the relationship and build on the confidence to make it work, it can irrespective of what you think. Doubtless, distant relationship has its drawbacks but a lot depends on the couple involved. First, they must have an understanding of each other as well as appreciate the risk of living apart. Problems come when the couples live on idealism, pretending that nothing can go wrong. The truth is, couples that stay apart face a lot of temptations in their relationships. Although those that live together too face the same challenges but the risk of extra marital affair is higher in distant relationships because there are days when the body chemistry is too strong to resist. This is where commitment and sense of responsibility to one’s spouse comes in. This is also the point where trust plays a vital role. Both of them need to talk openly about this vital issue and she must have the trust to believe what he says. If he says he hasn’t slept with a woman since meeting her, until confronted with evidences, it is in her interest to trust him and give him all the encouragement he needs to be on the right track. When a woman refuses to have confidence in the words of her man, she creates crisis for herself; sometimes as serious as the man forsaking whatever good intentions he has to make the woman happy. Until your friend is confronted with evidences of this man’s irresponsibility, it would be wrong to say he is lying. She has to learn to trust him on little things first. To distrust him is to call to questions the sanity of her feelings. At any rate, she knew this man lives abroad, must have put into consideration this salient fact before agreeing to a relationship with him. No matter how smart the man is, if she is able to get him whenever she calls, picks her calls no matter the time, she must learn to trust him a little bit. She can only worry when he is unable to pick her calls at a particular time, gives excuses for not picking her calls at odd hours, insists he does all the calling that she can suspect him of any thing. As for being stingy, it is a simple matter of what is important to your friend. In the first place, what is her motive for going into the relationship? If she is comfortable financially why is she lying about needing funds for something when she really doesn’t need it? Is her choice of this man based on the fact that he lives abroad? Before you can accuse this man of being miserly, there must be enough proof that he indeed has the money and is not ready to give her. Chances are that she may actually be better off financially than this man. The fact that he lives abroad doesn’t mean he automatically controls the vault of that nation. Relationship is also about understanding where the other person is coming from. That a man lavishes gift on his woman doesn’t mean he is in love with her. It could just be infatuation, lust or other emotion that isn’t love. He could also be refusing to send money to find out if she indeed is in love with him or only interested in his money. Like it is difficult for you to trust him, he could also be suspicious of what your friend feels for him. Your friend has to decide what is important to her, his money or his trust and friendship? They are not talking about relationship here; they are thinking of a lifetime journey together. Hence the need for her to be careful about the values she plays up. If he is a struggling young man, honest enough to say he doesn’t have excess cash to throw around, she has to make up her mind whether this is good enough for her or not. If money is her motivation for this relationship, she shouldn’t pretend about it. From all indices, this man may not be her man but if her intention is to marry him out of love, she must learn from this early stage to make the required sacrifices to solidify the foundation they are both planning to put up. It is also imperative you step aside for this couple to fuse, make their mistakes and learn from these mistakes. Good luck.